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Video Game / Totally Accurate Battle Simulator

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Oh, for the love of God, it's like watching babies trying to slap each other...
Jacksepticeye on the game
Totally Accurate Battle Simulator is a "strategy" game for the PC by Landfall Games. The game has the player building an army of... googly-eyed blobby people-things from a wide selection of units and watching them march into battle against another army of googly-eyed blobby people-things. Hilarity Ensues. It is an unusual strategy game in that once you have placed your units and started the game you cannot control them, making the game one of timing and puzzles as well as pure strategy. The game has a campaign mode, which pits the player against a pre-determined enemy army that they must find a way to defeat with a limited number of units, and a sandbox mode, which lets the player just go nuts and pit whatever armies they want against each other.

The game is currently in open alpha, so much of the information is subject to change. Access to the Pre-Alpha was obtained preordering Clustertruck until September 27th, another Landfall game. The open alpha can be obtained by signing up for the newsletter for the game here. A newer version of the game with more updates exists, but it is exclusive to a number of YouTubers playing the game on their channels. Landfall has thus far made no commitments regarding releasing the current version of the game to a wider audience.

Totally Accurate Battle Simulator provides examples of:

  • Action Bomb: The barrels are units that walk on exploding incendiary barrels that leaves a trail of fire that chars anyone black who walks on it.
  • An Axe to Grind:
    • The Vikings are equiped with an axe along with a wooden shield.
    • The axe units are tall men that carry an oversized axe and slam their weapons on their enemies.
  • Anti-Cavalry: A chariot can easily be dispatched by a wall of spearmen.
  • Artificial Stupidity:
    • Units will always try to get close enough to the nearest enemy to use their weapon and attack. They do this regardless of whether this is the best tactical choice or not and if there's anything in the way. Poorly positioned units can get stuck on terrain, allowing the enemy to pick off a weakened force before dogpiling the survivors. This can be exploited by for example setting up a decoy peasant near an enemy siege weapon, with a siege weapon of your own just a bit farther away to deal with the enemy while it aims at the decoy.
    • If one of the opponents units gets knocked off the map, the entire enemy army may go running headlong into the abyss.
  • Awesome, but Impractical: The Chariot. These things plow through groups of infantry, but tend to die quickly, meaning that you need to have something else to mop up the remaining enemies.
    • Hwachas takes this a step further by introducing any battle they are participating with a barrage of explosive, stunning arrows in a area of effect. However, once their burst is out they fall apart, effectively killing the unit. Hwachas also tend to miss the enemy completely, be knocked around by other units, and target only singular units, wasting the barrage. They are also quite expensive at 500 points.
    • Open alpha Dark Peasants completely butcher anything that gets into their range... and can be reliably killed by a pair of ballistas, which cost far less to field. Not to mention a small row of musketmen or a single M16 gunner per Dark Peasant, which can deny the Dark Peasant from ever trying to reach them.
  • All Asians Know Martial Arts: There are taekwondo martial artists in the Asian faction.
  • April Fools: A belated one at that. On June 5th, 2018, Landfall released Totally Accurate Battlegrounds, which combines the gameplay of Player Unknowns Battlegrounds with the visual style and man models from TABS.
  • Army of the Ages: Units can be taken from multiple time periods spanning from the Stone Age to the future.
  • BFS: One of the medieval units is a Zweihander-wielding giant.
  • Blade on a Stick: The spearmen have a broader spearhead, while the spearthrowers have a slimmer one with two additional spikes on each side.
  • Blatant Lies: The title. Yes, the weapons are reasonably realistic, but red and blue blobby people and one that carries an army of chickens in his coat? Not to mention the sheer incompetence and absurd tactics of nearly every unit in the game.
  • Bullet Time: Slow motion can be used by holding down the left button of the mouse, making it easier for you to see the chaos of the battle. Definitely a good way to see bullets, arrows and cannonballs slowly wreck havoc while you move the camera around.
  • Bullet Sparks: The musket bullets make yellow sparks when they land a shot on somebody after the open alpha.
  • Cannon Fodder: Peasants get to march into battle with no weapons of any kind, and tend to last about as long as that implies. They're also the cheapest units in the game. Boxers are a step up, but still not hardy.
  • Clucking Funny: The Chicken Man unit, a "guy" in a trench coat, uses chickens that seemingly plop out of of "his" hindquarters that can acctually put up a mean fight. And then there's Chicken Man Man, a giant Chicken Man who spawns Chicken Men that spawn chickens. Seeing how Chicken Man Man is pretty sturdy, you'll have to face a lot of Chicken Men before CMM finally falls.
  • Color-Coded Armies: Red and blue. Unusually, you command the red army in campaign mode, contrary to most uses of the trope.
  • Edible Ammunition: A developer video showed a wheelbarrow unit, with a farmer that throws vegetables at enemies
  • Everything's Better with Samurai: The samurai are a decent unit that holds a gasumi stance with their katana, killing any fool in front of it. Cranked up to 11 with the Samurai Master.
  • The Faceless: Siege units and Chariots all for some reason lack eyes. More competent units like Spearmen and Musketmen still have eyes, but are smaller as to imply they are more serious.
  • Final Boss: Currently, it's the Chicken Man Man.
  • Fighting Clown: Many of the more powerful units, such as Hillary, Trump, or the Chicken Man Man
  • Flechette Storm: The Master Ninja and Hillary Clinton flings dozens of shuriken or emails everywhere at a ridiculous rate of fire, mowing down any unarmored enemy in the way.
  • Flunky Boss: The Final Boss summons an endless stream of mooks that summons chickens to attack your troops. they have a lot of health and are huge too..
    • You fight said mook on level 20. Have fun dealing with the chickens!
  • Friendly Fireproof: Nope. A badly positioned Ballista or Chariot is more likely to kill your own men than the enemy. Archers will shoot their own troops in the back. And if an enemy reaches your gun line all units in there will turn to shoot at them, friendlies in the way be damned.
    • A recent developer update has shown a formation of archers: a block of them were shooting at the charging enemy without hitting even a single one of their allies.
  • Gardening-Variety Weapon: The farmers use pitchforks to fight off enemies.
  • Glass Cannon: The M16. One of the highest damage outputs in the game... and as much HP as two peasants. Have fun!
    • The spearthrowers can easily kill a weak unit with a single spear throw, and even if the spear doesn't kill the unit, it can still hamper the unit's movement... but it goes down about as fast as any ranged unit.
  • Good Old Fisticuffs: The Peasants are stuck with their own bare hands as weapons, for all the good it does them. Boxers and super boxers have more success with this. Some other units when disarmed tend to rely on this tactic... if they were melee to begin with.
  • Gratuitous Ninja: An update added shuriken-tossing ninjas to the list of units, though this is somewhat downplayed due to previously having samurai.
  • Guns Are Worthless: Downplayed. Musketmen can do a lot of damage in a short period of time, are rather accurate and can shoot through shields. They also tend to end up killing each other and allied units more than the enemy, if positioned incorrectly.
  • Horny Vikings: The vikings now get their iconic helmets in the open alpha.
  • Humanoid Abomination: Whatever those things are, they're certainly not human in any way. Of course, they're not that much stronger than an average human, and certainly not nearly as smart as one either.
    • Taken a step further with the Dark Peasant, who has black eyes with glowing red pupils. The open alpha version is surrounded by a cloud of smoke, and kills enemies by impaling them with spikes projecting from the ground. The closed alpha version can fly and is accompanied by a pair of energy orbs that suck up anything that gets within their range.
  • Human Pincushion: Archers, spear throwers and ballistae can turn their targets in to this when there are plenty of them.
  • Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: The open alpha Dark Peasant attacks by sprouting spikes under the enemy units, impaling them. Outright goes ballistic with this when up against a Chicken Man Man. Not even the Super Peasant flying high above the ground is immune to this.
  • Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy: The ranged units tend to have really bad aim. Archers are probably the most noticeable.
  • "Instant Death" Radius: Anything caught in the Dark Peasant's attack range will have their fate sealed.
  • It Only Works Once: The hwachas disintergrates once it uses up all it's arrows, and once a barrel has exploded and its fire has gone out it's gone.
  • Jack-of-All-Stats: Footmen have high health, powerful attacks, and good base speed. They also tend to get overwhelmed easily.
  • Katanas Are Just Better: Samurai have the advantage of doing a powerful downward stroke or forward stab that more or less kills an enemy in a single blow.
  • Let's Play: Lots of 'em on YouTube, if you know where to look.
  • A Load of Bull: The Minotaur from Greek mythology is one of the Classical Period units.
  • Luckily, My Shield Will Protect Me: Shieldmen tend to be very hard to bring down from the front. They're capable of taking a cannonball and surviving.
    • Vikings have smaller shields, only allowing them to block certain attacks, but are much faster to compensate.
  • Made of Explodium: Ballista bolts and hwacha arrows used to have explodium tips, but this was nerfed along with the release of the open alpha.
    • The barrelrollers explode upon being delt damage
    • Cannonballs in open alpha now explode and break apart into fragments upon contact.
  • Never Bring a Gun to a Knife Fight: Ranged units can be easily taken down when a melee unit gets close enough.
  • Never Bring a Knife to a Fist Fight: If thieves, footmen and samurais ever come across a super boxer without sufficient numbers to take him down, they’re screwed.
  • More Dakka: The M16 and Trump. Nothing's better than mowing everything down on the battlefield with an assault rifle.
  • No Plot? No Problem!: Here's a bunch of red guys, they want to kill those blue guys for some reason. That's about as much plot as you get in this game.
  • Offhand Backhand: The super boxers will rigorously punch behind if somebody attempts to hit them on the back.
  • Overshadowed by Awesome: Compared to archers, ninjas throw shurikens that can take out low-health units, and spearthrowers' spears can deal heavy damage in addition to slowing the target down. Spearthrowers are better at taking out the Chicken Man Man than archers, and they can easily ground the Super Peasant with their spears. Downplayed, however, because archers get range as a boost and fire faster.
  • Platform Battle: All of the pre-alpha stages are currently this. It does leave interesting situations where sometimes units chase each other/push each other off the level, usually dragging themselves for the ride as well.
  • Ragdoll Physics: Although they're prone to breaking, it's incredibly amusing to watch a cluster of people getting sent flying by a Ballista shot. Or just watch the operators of Ballistae and catapults.
  • Rain of Arrows: The hwacha fires a barrage of arrows that showers down on enemies, which can temporarily pin them down. Large groups of archers tend to do this as well.
  • Raptor Attack: Jurassic Park-style Utahraptors are one of the planned additional units.
  • Segmented Serpent: A non serpent example, Footman can be deployed in a straight line horizontally to form a worm like pattern, which tends to travel in a way to encircle enemies, thanks to the footman's tendency to flank being stacked upon itself.
  • Shields Are Useless: Even though shields can provide good protection from arrows and melee attacks, they are completely useless against firearms. Muskets and assault rifles can pierce through them like nothing.
  • Shield Bash: The shield units’ main form of attack. Bashing anyone to death with a big board just as big as the users.
  • Simple, yet Awesome: Ballistae. They are quite expensive at 550 points, but they sure do justify their cost with massive damage, a modest impact radius and stunning any units that survive the blow. Sadly, they do have the weakness of not being able to hit enemies pushing from the sides of the front. Pound for pound there are only a few units in the game that can stand up to a ballista: with enough range they can take out nearly every super unit in the game, most of them in one or two hits, with not even the Super Peasants and the Dark Peasants being able to take them out if the ballista can start firing early enough. The only three units that the ballista has trouble with are the Chicken Man Man (because of how hitboxes work the ballista aims at its difficult to hit legs), the Chariot (because of its speed) and the Cannon (because the ballista aims just above it, causing its shots to miss).
  • Tactical Rock–Paper–Scissors:
    • Despite the general goofiness, the game is rather realistic as far as unit matchups are concerned. For instance, you're not getting very far by sending Archers against Shieldmen or Chariots against Spearmen.
    • You need to keep the unit types, their numbers and placement in account when fielding an army. For example, the abovementioned ballista can one-shot a peasant, but when facing with an equal number in points and with them coming from all directions the ballista will have trouble dealing with its 55 opponents.
  • Tank Goodness: Da Vinci's tank and an M1 Abrams tank are planned future units.
  • Unskilled, but Strong: Trump tends to charge in to his enemies, which puts him in even more risk to other enemy's attacks. Despite having twice the firepower of the M16 unit he lacks their accuracy and range. This makes him perform poorly against the Dark Peasant, even when 10 Trumps are facing the equally-costed Dark Peasant.
  • Video Game Flight: The super peasants can fly just about anywhere across the map, however falling out off the map won't save them.
  • Wingding Eyes: The soldiers in the game get X eyes when they die.
  • Zerg Rush: The Peasants can be pretty dangerous in large groups. Likely why they're cheap. Field too many however and your computer will start to chug significantly.