And in the corner sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his hat."
Masturbation portrayed as being bad for you, possibly making you go blindnote , go deaf, or grow hair on your palms.
Another supposed result of masturbation was that it would make you go mad, though there was at least some reason for thinking this; asylum doctors would notice that many mentally disturbed people masturbated a lot, and reasonably (though incorrectly), concluded that the madness was caused by masturbation.
Mostly a Discredited Trope we have outgrown. While certain Jewish and Christian groups still do frown on male masturbation because of the story of Onan in the Old Testament, the idea that masturbation could cause actual, physical harm came from Victorian Britain and the Second Great Awakening in the US. These were the days of Moral Guardians like U.S. postmaster Anthony Comstock and Boy Scouts founder Lord Baden-Powell, who believed that children indulging in "Secret Practices" would waste away their youth and vigor, and scores of ministers whose most lasting innovations in hygiene turned out to be Graham crackers and Kellogg's Corn Flakes. All those old wives' tales and warnings have been turned on their ear in recent years.
- It may have been unintentional, but Nina Einstein's storyline from Code Geass has echoes of this trope. Early in the first season, she's shown masturbating to a picture of Princess Euphemia using the edge of a table. Then Euphemia dies, starting Nina on a downward spiral in which she threatens to blow up her school, pushes away her old friends, is manipulated into creating a Fantastic Nuke that kills 40 million people, and makes some truly grotesque facial expressions. While Nina's masturbation isn't stated to have caused her Sanity Slippage, it helped characterize her as a Psycho Lesbian, as well as one of CG's many Scrappies.
- The End of Evangelion (in)famously opens up with Shinji... um... having a moment over a comatose Asuka in her hospital room as an indicator of how low he's sunk after Kaworu's death in Episode 24 of the TV series. His own immediate response to itnote is what really cements this incident under this trope. Even more, that moment's association with this trope is used as a plot point during Instrumentality.
- Tokyo Ghoul: Torso's psychotic nature is further emphasized when he reveals in his diary to have masturbated while thinking about his scarred torso. He gets off to the idea of cutting off Mutsuki's limbs and keeping him as a lover.
- From Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space.
- A mock advertisement in Captain Proton and the Planet of Lesbians promotes Kellogg's Corn Flakes as stopping boys from masturbating so they'll grow up tall and handsome like Captain Proton.
- In the Parody Fic Hardcore Entertainment presents "Seven Does Voyager", Seven of Nine records the sex between B'Elanna Torres and Tom Paris and broadcasts it to stunt the growth of potential enemies of Voyager. This also explains why Captain Janeway is shorter than other starship captains.
- Bakura in Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series gets afflicted with "the deadliest of all British diseases": Wanker's Cramp. In the closing credits of that episode we get the sage advice "Avoid Wanker's Cramp! Know your limits!"
- This is alluded to in Queer Duck: The Movie during the musical number "Shamalama", where Regina sings about a boy named Jimmy who became addicted to masturbation until he became blind and crazy.
- In Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment, the disgruntled prankster recruit Mahoney swaps the overbearing man in charge of recruit training's shampoo with fast-curing helmet repair epoxy. This has the desired effect of Supergluing the victim's hands to his head. When he finally manages to get his hands free, they are naturally covered with hair. When he asks a group of recruits if anyone can explain how this happened, Mahoney replies, "I can, sir. And if you don't stop, you'll go blind."
- Avatar includes Dr. Augustine's blink-and-you'll-miss-it line as Jake is examining his new body's neural queue (in his hair, as a ponytail): "Don't play with that, you'll go blind."
- In Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, when the other crew members see the hairy black spot on Jack's hand (the mark of a curse), he's quick to say that his eyesight's as good as ever.
- In Full Metal Jacket, a story is told relating how one marine was going to be discharged on a Section 8 for his uncontrollable urge to masturbate, even in public. His nickname? Hand Job.
- In Saint Ralph, the characters literally refer to it as "self abuse," a reflection of the 1950's Catholic school setting. However, since the title character is 14, the concept that it's bad for him does not stop him.
- Another Catholic school movie, Heaven Help Us, features a compulsive masturbator who's also pallid, twitchy and socially awkward.
- Referenced in American Wedding.
Jim: Maybe Stifler can be nice, and nothing will go wrong.
Michelle: ...aw, sweetie. You've gotta stop masturbating. It's melting your brain.
- In The Love Guru, the protagonist is told by his severely crosseyed teacher that if he masturbates, it will make him crosseyed.
- Referenced in the titles of two R-rated sketch comedy films (basically Love American Style with naked chicks): If You Don't Stop It You'll Go Blind and its sequel Can I Do It 'til I Need Glasses?. The latter is famous for being the much-regretted first movie of Robin Williams.
- In the 1980 sci-fi comedy Galaxina, The Captain of the space cruiser on which the eponymous Robot Girl serves strongly discourages having sex with a robot because you could go blind. They shouldn't have built Galaxina to resemble the 1980 Playmate of the Year then, because as she's the only female on the ship the crew would go blind either way.
- In the 1982 satire Wrong Is Right, a CIA analysis of the Middle Eastern dictator lists "chronic masturbator" among his many evils.
- A school psychologist in the 1960's film Up the Down Staircase has a troubled male student as having "latent homosexuality" caused by this and an overbearing mother.
- There are plenty of jokes about how parents will lecture their children about masturbation and its negative consequences. One gem we heard a lot in school was about a dad who tells his son to stop masturbating or he will go blind... and his son then tells him that he is looking in the wrong direction and that he is standing over here.
- Variations on the theme of "Masturbating'll make you go blind, you know!" "Who said that?" and "Masturbation'll go make you go deaf!" "What? Speak up!" are always popular in junior high.
- Comedian Adam Ferarra claims to have renounced his Catholic faith at 14 years old for this reason.
(as priest) "Masturbation is a sin!"
(as himself) "See ya!"
(as priest) "No, my child! You must repent!"
(as himself) "I'll apologize all you want, but... I'm doing it again!"
(as priest) "If you keep doing it you'll go blind!"
(as himself) "S'All right, I can still find it!"
- This point of view is hilariously mocked by Mark Twain in an 1879 speech he gave to a private club called "On the Science of Onanism".
- Bill Cosby brilliantly lampooned the hypocrisy inherent in this trope in his "For Adults" album, with this exchange:
Father: Son, that'll cause blindness.
Son: Dad? [Beat] I'm over here.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in...The Masturbator. Half man... half blind!
- Doctor Crombie, eponymous character in Graham Greene's short story, expounds that cancer is a result of masturbation... More accurately, he claims it is a cause of "playing with oneself", the euphemism giving rise to humour. The central theme of the story is to demonstrate the folly of conflating correlation and causation: "Almost one hundred per cent of those who died of cancer had practised sex".
- This is discussed in the memoirs of the real-life Casanova when he makes friends with a Turkish Muslim and they compare attitudes toward sex in their respective religions/cultures. Casanova subscribes to the view that too much masturbation will make you sickly and weak (of course, his solution is to deal with horniness by sleeping with everything that moves and relying on the sacrament of confession to keep you out of hell) while Yusuf says that obviously "too much" of anything is bad by definition, but there's nothing wrong with masturbation per se, and that anyway it's a completely unenforceable rule. They also talk about male vs. female masturbation, with Casanova saying that girls don't run the same risk as boys because they're not losing a bodily fluid every time they do it.
- Used sarcastically in Auntie Mame when Patrick's roommate gets suspicious (what he's really doing at night is sneaking out to help Mame with a Zany Scheme she's suckered him into):
"...Say, what's the matter with you lately, anyways? You're always tired and I never see you at gym and you've got terrible circles under your eyes. You're not doing anything at night are you?"
I gulped. "Well, gosh, Junior..." Then I saw what he meant. "Yeah, sure I am, Junior. Six or seven times a night. It'll drive me crazy and no nice girl will marry me and all my kids will be idiots. Be sure to tell your old man that for me next time you write." I snatched up my towel and stalked off to the showers.
- Discussed in Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon. Avi's of the opinion that masturbation takes the passion out of life.
- Unhappily married Samad in White Teeth tries to cherry-pick the ambiguities in Islamic writings as to whether masturbation is okay or not- the imam tells him that he knows the answer- to 'stay away from his right hand!' That's fine with Samad: his right hand is paralysed anyway.
- The early-Victorian Boarding School novel Eric, or Little by Little, has a notorious passage warning boys in hysterical terms against masturbation, referred to obscurely as "Kibroth-Hattaavah", a place from the Book of Numbers in the Bible which translates from Hebrew as "grave of lust" (although the "lust" punished by God in the biblical story was actually lust for food, or gluttony, rather than sexual lust).
- Played With in an episode of Supernatural. Sam and Dean wind up in a town where all the old wives tales — like "your face will stick that way" — actually come true, and Dean realizes it's affecting them when he ends up with hairy palms. Sam is not amused.
- In a surprisingly mundane example, there is an episode in the first season of American Horror Story where Ben cries while masturbating to the memory of young Moira touching herself.
- Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Body Care and Grooming": "And remember, when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Good night."
- On Mad Men, a ten- or eleven-year-old Sally experimentally masturbates to The Man From Uncle while staying over at a friend's house. The friend's mother catches her, freaks out, takes her home, and tells her mother, who threatens to cut off her fingers if she ever does that again.
- In an episode of The Goodies, Graeme is training rabbits in preparation of sending them into space.
Graeme: Now, I've left this one alone for six months to prepare him for the isolation. Let's see what he's — don't do that!
Tim: [laughing] He probably can't hear you.
Tim: ...Oh, I'm so sorry.
- In Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Ferengi ears are a source of Fantastic Arousal when touched (and thus, grabbing them when pissed is analogous to a Groin Attack.) There's a form of ear massage called "oomox." Naturally, there's a reference to an old wives tale giving yourself oomox too much making you go deaf.
- In Father Ted, the abominable Father Jack Hackett really does have hair on the palms of his hands. Quite a lot of it.
- This trope is discussed (in so many words) in Alien Nation, George and Susan (Newcomers) talk about the human hangups regarding male masturbation. In Tenctonese society, it's considered to be a healthy and normal activity for a male. However, when a teacher made a suggestion to teach proper techniques in sex ed, referencing Newcomer practices, he was immediately fired, resulting in a scandal. George, for his part, has absolutely no trouble having The Talk with his son regarding this.
- Parodied on Seinfeld in "The Puffy Shirt"; George, an aspiring hand model, learns that one of the most famous models in the industry ruined his career with his masturbation habit; his hands became gnarled into claws!
- On Adam Ruins Everything, Adam explains that this idea that masturbation is evil is what popularized the practice of (non-medical and non-religious) circumcision, mostly in the US. This was popularized back in the Victorian Era by doctors and non-doctors, including the inventor of corn flakes: it was thought that by paring away the foreskin, it would reduce a boy's sex drive and urge to masturbate, or at the very least make it unpleasant. Oh, and it wasn't just done to boys, either. Many girls were also given clitoridectomies, or had their clitorises deliberately burned with acid for the same reason. (Sometimes under the guise of treatment for or prevention of hysteria.)
- "I'm a Wanker" by Ivor Biggun:
"Oh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters
thank you for having me and being oh so kind!
I've got pains in my arms and my dong is getting shorter
my knees have turned to water and I think I'm going blind."
- Scottish comedy duo Hale&Pace have the "Wanker Song" (technically, "The Folk Singers").
- In The Bible, Onan (in Genesis 38) was told to—in accordance with the duty of levirate marriage—have a child with Tamar, the wife of his dead brother Er. He didn't want to give her a child that would not be considered truly his, so he practiced coitus interruptus (apparently without telling Tamar what he was planning). God was displeased and struck Onan down. While ostensibly only about Onan's refusal to get Tamar pregnant, traditionally this story has been interpreted about coitus interruptus in general and masturbation by extension (the idea that it's abhorrent to ejaculate anywhere but into your wife's body).
- For what it's worth, one Jewish tradition, cited by Rashi, attributes Er's death to punishment for coitus interruptus as well (in this case, because he didn't want Tamar to get pregnant and lose her beauty).
- The Roman Catholic Church officially considers masturbation to be a grave sin. It's explicitly written in the Catechism (the big book of doctrine) that "deliberate stimulation of the genitals for sexual pleasure" is a grave matter that is capable of sending one directly to hell.
- Sylvester Graham (Presbyterian) and John Harvey Kellogg (Seventh-Day Adventist) both developed health foods - graham crackers and cornflakes respectively - that they believed suppressed 'carnal urges'. They also advocated male circumcision not to adhere to religious traditions but instead to, well, you know. And they even suggested chemically mutilating a woman's clitoris to achieve the same effect in women. Thankfully, only the comparatively less destructive act of secular male circumcision survived their era, but now it's something fathers have continually had done to their newborn sons just because it's been done for generations and no one seems to remember why. And no, obviously it does nothing to stop masturbation.
- Unlike Christianity, Islam is somewhat divided on masturbation. Some scholars consider it disliked by God but not considered a sin. If someone avoids a disliked action they would be rewarded by God. The more fundamentalist scholars see it as forbidden, full stop. There is a middle ground that states you can masturbate without porn to avoid immoral sexual desires and adultery. It's been shown that the Prophet's companions had masturbated while travelling, and during wars when their wives weren't present to give them much-needed gratification.
- In England, a common rumor is that it causes deafness. In a Christmas episode of Hello Cheeky, it's mentioned that Denis King and his trio spend the winter hibernating under the couch with a copy of Playboy. Thus:
Denis: What is it? I was — don't do that, Don, you'll go deaf!
John: He can't hear you, Denis.
- Alien Worlds alluded to this misconception in part one of "Adventure of the Egyptian Necklace". Maura Cassidy scolds Buddy Griff for watching a lot of television, asking him if his mother never told him that watching too much television would make his face break out and cause him to go blind. Jon Graydon informs Maura that she's confusing what she said with something else. Maura asks Jon what he's talking about and Jon answers that he'll explain it to her later.
- In The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged), an Angel of the Lord is auctioning off God's favors to the greatest sufferer. The first bidder says, "I will suffer self-abuse and spill my seed on the ground." "Onan, that's not suffering," the angel tells him. "Well, it made me go blind," Onan says.
- Referenced in not one but two songs from Spring Awakening:
The Bitch of Living: Give me that hand please/ And the itch you can't control/ [...] Love may make you blind kid/ But I wouldn't mind at all.
My Junk: They say you go blind/ But what can I do?/ We've all got our junk/ And my junk is you!
- Referenced by name in The History Boys:
Timms: You've got crap handwriting, sir!
Irwin: It's your eyesight that's bad, and we know what that's caused by.
Timms: Sir! Is that a coded reference to the mythical dangers of self-abuse?
- Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete for the PS1 had a part where the lights go out and leave the party blind. Kyle says "I can't see! I'm blind! But I thought that was only a myth!" to which Nall replies "What do you mean? The cave went dark!" Jessica says "Trust me, Nall, you DON'T want to know what he's talking about."
- The "Mike's Left Hand" strips of Sexy Losers are based on a Running Gag about a guy who's addicted to masturbation to the point of a Fetish — he apparently can't get off any other way. He does it in all kinda of inappropriate situations and even passes up opportunities for actual sex in favour of it. A Yet Another Christmas Carol parody strip has him warned that his death will be masturbation-related... somehow.
- In Questionable Content, Claire joked that her brother Clinton has a robotic hand because he masturbated his own off (according to Clinton, it got blown off in a fireworks accident).
- One episode of American Dad! features Stan showing his son, Steve, an admittedly hilarious anti-masturbation propaganda film that ends with a boy screaming "NOOOOO!" as he's growing hair on his palms and his eyes melting out. The kid turns up (in a deleted scene) later in Stan's head and says something along the lines of "It was worth it."
- Inverted in an episode of Mission Hill, where Kevin gets caught masturbating and tries to destroy the evidence, resulting in the store burning down and the kids who caught him being charged with arson. At the last minute Kevin comes forward and, when everyone else is mocking and taunting him, Andy steps forward and calls them all down for it because not only do they all do it to, but Kevin actually had the courage to come forward and admit it in front of an entire court room.
- Drawn Together: A blind boy with hairy palms is used by Princess Clara in her crusade against masturbation, only for said blindness and hairy palms to be instantly cured by Wooldor's ejaculate. The boy promptly rushes to find an empty room and a bottle of hand lotion and is later seen with blurred vision and hairy palms once more during the killing spree.
- According to Word of God, the reason Filburt from Rocko's Modern Life wears glasses is because he touched himself too much as a kid.
- Discussed briefly in Daria, during one of Jake's rambling speeches about his Hilariously Abusive Childhood:
Jake: My teen years... a nightmare of shame and guilt. They didn't call it self-love then, Kevin. They called it self-abuse.
- In the Moral Orel episode "God's Chef" Orel is told that masturbation is one of the worst sins he could commit, since he's wasting his sperm. This leads to the plot of the episode, in which Orel concludes the only way to masturbate and still go to heaven is to become God's chef. He ends up impregnating the entire neighborhood with a pastry bag filled with his sperm.