Film / J-Men Forever

The Firesign Theatre's most successful production beyond its audio work was the 1979 Gag Dub movie J-Men Forever (a.k.a The Day the Earth Got Stoned), a homage to the Republic Pictures Film Serials of the 1930-50s, consisting of several serials spliced together into absurdity. The villainous Lightning Bug schemes to conquer the Earth with Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll, and only the J-Men — a dedicated team of tight-assed straights...err, straight-jawed men-in-tights — can stop him!

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This movie contains the following tropes:

• Added Alliterative Appeal
  Admiral Ballsy: A flood of senseless, sensual music has been drowning out every sensible speaker in the city, but our crafty cryptographers are working day and night to uncover some clue from this relentless flow of garbled gibberish.
• Awesome McCoolname: The Lightning Bug thinks up some better names for his overly-bland minions.
  Lightning Bug: You...you're the Freeway Freak!
  Arthur Wingnut: I'm sorry, Your Electricity, but I'm Arthur Wingnut...
  Lightning Bug: You WERE Arthur Wingnut—now you're the Freeway Freak!
• The Big Rotten Apple: Faced with the destruction of The Big Apple, the police engage in union negotiations while the Mayor decides he should be the first to be evacuated (instead he drowns when the tunnel to New Jersey floods). When The Chief is told that the Lightning Bug has been destroyed at the cost of New York City being wiped off the map, he declares it, "A double victory!"
• Burning the Flag / Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Agent Burns indignantly refuses a bribe.
  "I'm going to have you wrapped in the U.S flag and burned personally by the President, in high-octane American gasoline!"
• Brainwashed: The Lightning Bug attempts to brainwash the people of Earth with rock & roll broadcasts, but is successfully countered by schmaltzy music from the Military Underground Sugared Airwaves Command (M.U.S.A.C.). He then tries gassing them with hash smoke.
• Canis Latinicus: The motto of the J-Men is U Cannabis Smokem.
• Cliffhanger Copout:
  • Lampshaded at the end of the film when Agent Barton mourns the J-Men who died in order to take down the evil Lightning Bug. The Chief just laughs, and we get a montage of Cliffhanger Cop-Outs showing that all the J-Men survived their predicaments.
  • There's a classic example with Agent Spike's demise, as he suddenly has enough space to jam his gun between the spikes and the Advancing Wall of Doom that he didn't have before.
• Cool and Unusual Punishment: Spy Swatter is being tortured by Those Wacky Nazis with a Hurricane of Puns.
  Evil Nazi: Welcome to the Hot Hitler Disco, where the beat never Gestopos. If we can't spring some info from you, we'll make you listen to Donna Summer all winter, until you fall.
  Spy Swatter: Anything but That!, fiend!
• Disproportionate Retribution:
  • John Wayne flies around bombing anyone who might be smoking marijuana.
  • The Caped Madman breaks a man's skull when he tries to "unload a Buick with a Chevy engine" on him.
  • The Lightning Bug uses his ray gun on a minion who's using his work phone to make personal calls.
  • Rocket Jock shoots down a Martian spaceship for flying with a faulty muffler.
• Disastrous Demonstration: Admiral Ballzy accidentally destroys a skyscraper while demonstrating the deadly effects of rock & roll music.
• Dissonant Laughter: The Caped Madman laughs constantly as he goes around inflicting violence.
• Disconnected by Death:
  • A J-Man finds The Walls Are Closing In on his telephone booth (though it's revealed at the end that, like all J-Men, he had the cunning to survive his predicament).
  • An informer is making a secret call to J-Men headquarters when the Lightning Bug bursts in on him.
    The Bug: Ah-HAH! Making personal calls on MY line!
    (The Bug zaps him with his ray-pistol. On the other end of the line, smoke pours from the phone held by the Chief)
    The Chief: Hello? Operator? Listen, we were cut off in the midst of a hot tip. I want to make sure we weren't charged for that call.
  • Later a J-Man gets caught in a Drowning Pit. On that occasion water pours out of the phone.
• Does This Remind You of Anything?: The Little Detecto used to find the Bug's secret broadcasting cave is called the Dildonator.
• Dragon Lady: The villainess Sombra.
• The End... Or Is It?: When The End appears at the conclusion of the credits, we hear the Lightning Bug say, "Or is it, J-Men?" and give an Evil Laugh.
• Evil Laugh: Machine Gun Kelly does this with gusto, and The Caped Madman gleefully inflicts violence on friend and foe alike.
• Explosive Overclocking = Collapsing Lair
  The Bug: Turn it up! More juice, Bruce!
  Moon Goon: But you're mad — the Moon is being destroyed!
  The Bug: You don't know good music when you hear it!
  (Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies)
  The Bug: That's what I call getting stoned!
• Fun with Acronyms: The rock & roll invasion is fought by the combined forces of the F.C.C. (Federal Culture Control), KRAP Radio, and M.U.S.A.C. (Military Underground Sugared Airwaves Command). Meanwhile wimpy security guard Billy Batchit becomes 'The Caped Madman' by uttering the magic word "SH-BOOM!", enabling him to take on all the vices of a J-Man of the Secret Service: S for Sneaky, H for Hateful, B for Bigotted, O for Obnoxious, another O for Double-Obnoxious, and M for Mean!
• Gesundheit: Inverted
  J-Man: What do you know about this?
  (Analyst gives substance the sniff test, then sneezes)
  Analyst: Ha-a-a-hashish!
  J-Man: Hashish oil, eh?
• Groin Attack
  Lone Star: (singing) I'm a super copper on a super chopper! There's no job too dangerous or small for me! I'm the pro-tec-torrr... (leaps a canyon on his motorcycle and lands hard on the other side) Uuuugh!!! Owww, I forgot my protector...
• Hellish L.A.: Lost Angeles has so much smog the Bug figures no-one will notice the hash smoke he intends to bombard the city with until it's too late. Fortunately Rocket Jock, wearing a full-face helmet to protect him from the smog, disregards his personal feelings for the city and blows up the hash missile with his Ray Gun, getting a face full of hash smoke in the process.
  Rocket Jock: Makes me feel like I'm flyyyyiiiiiiiing!!!
• Heroic Comedic Sociopath: The enthusiasm with which Captain Marvel went around killing villains is parodied with the Caped Madman.
  Caped Madman: Dirty towelheads!
  Arab troops: Wait, we're on your side! We're with the U.N!
  Caped Madman: U.N., hey? I'll show your what we think of you One Worlders! (machine-guns them In the Back)
• Homoerotic Subtext: Between Spy Swatter and his French hairdresser, Captain Duran.
  Spy Swatter: Drugs are being smuggled out of your country by a hooded hood called the Lightning Bug.
  Captain Duran: It's true; some of our troops have even been growing marijuana in window boxes!
  Official: Gentlemen, this is incredible...do you realise how butch you two look together? (Spy Swatter and Duran exchange a guilty look)
• In the Hood: "We're seeking a hooded hood called the Lightning Bug."
• Jet Pack: Rocket Jock grumbles constantly about the problems of using an atomic-powered jetpack: the worry that his tailor has forgotten the lead-lining in his leather jacket, the need to hit his springboard in order to launch himself into the air, sore arches whenever he lands, his shoes getting set on fire, and the risk of drowning inside his full-face helmet should he get airsick.
• Just a Stupid Accent: Any foreigner in the movie.
• Large Ham Radio: Justified as it's Machine Gun Kelly.
  "Hello L.A., and make way, 'cause this is the Lightning Bug, your pirate DJ! Bless my soul, you're all under the control, of ROCK AND ROLLLLLLL!!!!!
  • The Bug orders a number of underlings trained as DJ's too.
    Lightning Bug: Take them away and teach them to talk like me: reeallll sexy!
• Master of Disguise: Used to handwave why the Lightning Bug looks like half a dozen completely different villains.
• Mr. Exposition: In order to frame the rather incoherent story, creators Philip Proctor and Peter Bergman play the Chief of the J-Men and his bumbling sidekick Agent Barton. The scenes are Deliberately Monochrome to match the rest of the footage.
• The Men in Black: The J-Men, though they appear not to know it.
  Barton: That kook said something about aliens being behind the whole thing.
  The Chief: Aliens? Suuure. Listen, Mexicans and Canadians are always a problem. Next thing you know they're going to be blaming it on little guys in shiny suits from Outer Space!
• Nap-Inducing Speak: When the top brass pull an all-night bull session they end up putting themselves to sleep, including the sentry.
• Parody Names: A number of them for the current (i.e., fairly dull and straight-laced) musicians Lightning Bug is fighting against, such as "Prissy Fey" (Percy Faith).
• Person with the Clothing: Agent Sleeve Coat.
• The Power of Rock: Rock broadcasts from the Lightning Bug's moonbase are powerful enough to cause cars to crash, buildings to collapse, and record moguls to commit suicide. Finally the Moon itself is destroyed when the Lightning Bug cranks up his hi-fi too loud.
• Pun: Everyone makes these.
  • The old guy who steps out of the john to talk to Billy Batchit says he's a member of the Privy Council, and departs saying, "May the Flush be with you!"
  • When some criminals are lifting a car engine on a pulley to drop on the Caped Madman, one quips that it's not the first engine that they've 'lifted'.
  • The Lightning Bug has invented a Death Ray that can melt rock, so he dubs it the Hot Rock Machine.
  • When the Lightning Bug disposes of a couple of J-Men in a Drowning Pit, Agent Barton reports to the Chief that they're "all washed up."
  • Admiral Ballsy wants to know what the latest dope is. Spy Swatter hands him a sample of the dope that the Lightning Bug is trying to smuggle into the country.
• Red Alert
  "THIS IS THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY. WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY HIDEOUS WAVES OF ROCK MUSIC FROM THE MOON! ALL RESIDENTS ARE REQUESTED TO FLEE MINDLESSLY, WHILE MEMBERS OF THE POLICE AND FIRE DEPARTMENTS WILL ASSEMBLE IN THEIR UNION HALLS FOR CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS! THIS IS A RECORDING."
• Rhymes on a Dime: The Lightning Bug and various other characters.
  • During a fight with the Bug's thugs, The Lone Star decides, "I'll just leap on this creep!"
  • Sombra sending the Bug back to the Moon in a puff of smoke. "Excellent plan, boss man. Now here's some smoke in your face, to send you back into Space."
  • Rock'n'roll robot R2ScrewU does this for a Bond One-Liner: "HERE'S A HEAVY METAL SOUND, TO PUT YOU UNDERGROUND!"
  • The Bug about to blow up M.U.S.A.C. headquarters. "I'm the Lightning, and here's a hit that's frightening! And I'm gonna get those beanbags working at the J-Man's M.U.S.A.C. Command! Here comes a song, and you'll soon be gone! It's gonna be a smash, be over in a flash. So long, trash!"
• Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll: After listening to a sample of "Don't Touch Me There" by The Tubes, a J-Girl comments, "This kind of music could get me pregnant."
• Spikes of Doom: How Agent Spike meets his demise, caught between a spiked gate and an Advancing Wall of Doom.
• Superheroes: Colonel Kink, a.k.a. Rocket Jock (Rocket Man a.k.a. Commando Cody a.k.a. Larry Martin), Spy Swatter (Spy Smasher), the Caped Madman (Captain Marvel) and the Lone Star (Captain America).
• Spinning Paper: The Herald Exaggerator.
• Spy Speak: The cryptographers are convinced the rock 'n' roll music is a secret code.
  "Da doo run run...what can that mean?"
• Stock Footage:
  • The film serials being parodied include Undersea Kingdom (1936), S.O.S. Coast Guard (1937), The Fighting Devil Dogs (1938), Mysterious Doctor Satan (1940), The Adventures of Captain Marvel (1941), Spy Smasher (1942), Secret Service in Darkest Africa (1943), Captain America (1944), The Purple Monster Strikes (1945), The Crimson Ghost (1946), The Black Widow (1947), King Of The Rocket Men (1949), Radar Men from the Moon (1952), and Zombies Of The Stratosphere (1952).
  • There's also the 1942 propaganda movie Flying Tigers (the scene with John Wayne), and the destruction of New York City from the 1933 movie Deluge (used as stock disaster footage for several Republic serials) gets one more screening.
• Stoner Flick: Yes, the Bug's into drugs! After his rock & roll invasion fails, the Lightning Bug decides to import hash oil to corrupt America, using a Gas Chamber to turn respectable school principals into hashheads and launching a huge hash missile at Los Angeles.
• Taken for Granite: A wake is held for the Caped Madman after he's drowned in molten lava. When someone suggests putting up a statue to their fallen hero, it's noted that he already is one.
• Take That!: Plenty of jabs at popular targets of The '70s; e.g., the FBI, the Pentagon, and the Vietnam War. Plus Los Angeles and New York City.
• Tap on the Head: Lampooned for Black Comedy when The Caped Madman drops an engine block on a goon's head who complains, "ARRGH! You sadistic bastard, you crushed my skull!"
• Tempting Fate: The Chief calls Spike and tells him to stay close to the phone. The wall the phone is mounted on slides towards Spike and crushes him.
• Those Wacky Nazis: The U-boat commander realises he's on the wrong side of the United States, so decides to blast his way through the entire country with torpedoes.
• Tin-Can Robot: Republic Pictures infamous Killer Robot is lampooned with rock'n'roll robot R2ScrewU.
  Rocket Jock: Uh-oh, an enraged water heater!
• Toasted Buns: Rocket Jock complains that his feet are on fire, along with the many other problems of using an atomic-powered jetpack.

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