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Quotes / Epic Fail

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    Comic Books 
"I would rather fail spectacularly than succeed minimally."

    Film - Animated 
"You missed! How could you miss? He was three feet in front of you..."
Mushu to Mulan (who didn't miss)

    Film - Live-Action 
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

"Ah, mediocre!"
Immortan Joe, Mad Max: Fury Road

"You know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean nothing you've said has been right."

"For pure, vacillating stupidity, for superb incompetence to command, for ignorance combined with bad judgement — in short, for the true talent for catastrophe — Elphy Bey stood alone. Others abide our question, but Elphy outshines them all as the greatest military idiot of our own or any other day. Only he could have permitted the First Afghan War and let it develop to such a ruinous defeat. It was not easy: he started with a good army, a secure position, some excellent officers, a disorganised enemy, and repeated opportunities to save the situation. But Elphy, with the touch of true genius, swept aside these obstacles with unerring precision, and out of order wrought complete chaos. We shall not, with luck, look upon his like again."

    Live-Action TV 
"I can't get over that; how do [submariners] hit a mountain?"
Adrian Monk, Monk, "Mr. Monk Is Underwater"

"A spokesman said, 'This is the one thing we didn't want to happen.'"

The Doctor: Two thousand people on board, six billion below, all dead. And why? Because Max Capricorn's a loser!
Max Capricorn: I never lose!
The Doctor: You can't even sink the Titanic!

[Clara opens the cell door and barges in]
Eleventh Doctor: did you do that?
Clara: Wasn't locked.
Eleventh Doctor: ...right...
Clara: [dumbfounded] Three of you, in one cell, and none of you thought to try the door?!
War Doctor: It should have been locked!

Skye: You think I'm an alien? Why didn't you tell me?
Coulson: I didn't want you to freak out.
Skye: Well guess what? Epic fail.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., on something Coulson's suspected for half the series.

"We don't have any fucking chicken, we don't have any more Wellingtons, we don't have any fucking lettuce! We haven't served any food! How could we be out of anything?!"
Sous Chef Scott, on a particularly bad service, Hell's Kitchen

    Newspaper Comics 
"Why can't my successes ever be as spectacular as my failures?"
Jason, FoxTrot

"Hey, Browns! Mike Polk, season ticket holder. Killer game in Houston today! Well thank god we built YOU. What a blessing for the community! You are wasting valuable space on our majestic shoreline, and what do we get out of it from you?! Ten miserable games a year, including two preseason games that I have to pay for, and one shitty Kenny Chesney concert! Do you understand that it is statistically harder for a team to be this consistently bad than it is for them to occasionally, accidentally be good? The probability is staggering! Did you happen to see that Packers/Chargers game today?! It's like they're playing a different sport than you are! And here's what you have to understand: We don't even expect you to be good! We just want you to be watchable! Do you have any idea how low our expectations are?! We don't expect you to win the Super Bowl, we just want you to look better than a division III high school team! And listen, I know that there are way more important things in life than football...but you are supposed to be our pleasant distraction from those things! But all we do is pay you money to put us in a bad mood every week.
..."I'll see you Sunday."

"Alexander... Congratulations
You have invented a new kind of stupid
A damage-you-can-never-undo kind of stupid
An open-all-the-cages-in-the-zoo kind of stupid
"Truly, you didnt think this through?" kind of stupid."
Angelica Schuyler in "Congratulations", a Cut Song from Hamilton

    Video Games 
"It's pretty impressive that you put so many ingredients into a dish and it came out tasting like nothing."
Kanji Tatsumi on Yukiko's omelet, Persona 4

"Somehow you've died during the introduction training exercise. Feel free to try again but this doesn't bode well for your mission."

"You didn't kill any of them!"
The Administrator to the victims of a Flawless Victory, Team Fortress 2

"Is-Is that even possible?!?"
Random Mii Tomodachi Life after an account of a Noodle Incident in the kitchen.

"Not a single Golden Egg? Maybe I should have made you read the training manual."
Mr. Grizz, Splatoon 2 Salmon Run mode

"?! You didn't get a single one?! Did you do that on purpose? Well... I suppose that is impressive in its own way, but I have to say, I'm still pretty disappointed..."
Red Gearmo if you don't collect a single Purple Coin in Tall Trunk Galaxy, Super Mario Galaxy 2

    Web Animation 
[Caboose throws a spike grenade at the wall they are using for cover]
Washington: That was the worst throw. Ever. Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.

"Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya?"
Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater

"Téodor, we had hoped you would shine during the cooking event, but you folded with a focus and intensity normally seen only in successes."

"How do you get a note from the teacher on the last day of school?"
Mrs. Summers, Least I Could Do Beginnings

"Your job is to conceal something that genuinely doesn't exist, and you discover a way to fail at it."

Boar: Tora, something is wrong here.
Tora: Whaddya mean?
Boar: Well, for starters, you're drunk.
Tora: But I got us home, so?
Boar: That's just it...
(last panel depicts a car hanging out a window of a high-rise apartment)
Boar: The suite isn't on ground level.
Tora: Your point?

"How do you manage to make a poltergeist by accident?!"
Myla upon learning that Eric's father, Miles "Tails" Prower, created an electronic poltergeist in a failed attempt to repair a clock, during the "Scaredy fox training" roleplay of White Dark Life

Myrtle: All you see is a single word on an empty page. What I see is the first step on a glorious journey to create an epic of literary excellence!
Penny: You spelled "the" wrong.
Myrtle: You don't — that's not — look, typing is hard, okay??!

    Web Original 
"MagiCans were ordinary-looking Coke cans that had a mechanism inside that popped out a gift certificate or cold hard cash to the drinkee. What could go wrong with that? Short of filling the damn things with poison, the promotion was a guaranteed success. Too bad Coke pretty much filled the damn things with poison."

"One fathomnote  down, and one foot more, in sunken wrecks are found
The bones of brave and fearless men the Eerie canal has drowned."
Al Duvall, One Fathom Down

"As most of you know, the only way you get kicked out of Final! Jeopardy is if you tell Alex Trebek to eat shit and if you end up with a negative score. Well, last night, two out of three contestants ended up in the red. This is some Celebrity Jeopardy SNL skit shit... All of us are Stephanie, pretty much. We're all at -$6,800."
Michael K., "Kristin, the sole survivor of last night’s disastrous episode of Jeopardy!"

"Their best defensive back (not saying much) was injured by a pizza. Take all that into account, and somehow losing 12 games is the most tolerable experience for any Washington fan... This organization can keep an eternal dumpster fire going not matter what the elements throw at them. They are superhuman."
Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2015!: Washington Redskins"

"Just after the birther bullshit was definitely ended, he offers to give five million dollars to charity if President Obama will release his college and passport records. Donald Trump just offered to rent the president and honestly didn’t see any problem with that. He can’t imagine anyone refusing to give up their dignity for money because for him that’s free money. Trump is so stupid, he's the first businessman to try to influence Washington with millions of dollars and fail."
Luke McKinney, "The Donald Trump Endurance Experiment" (And now Donald Trump is the president...)

"DeathOnAStick is a NetHack player. They are famous in the NetHack community for their year-and-a-half-long game on, from 2004-04-17 to 2005-11-27. They spent much of this time arduously polypiling rocks into gems and collecting pet giants to carry the abundant bags of gems for them.

After killing the Wizard of Yendor on dungeon level 1 and despite already being at Experience level 30, they drank a potion of gain level found on its corpse. It was cursed, as it turned out.

Upon reaching the Plane of Earth, they desperately checked their inventory, and indeed they were carrying no gems. At this point, they went idle for 38 seconds. A few of their entourage of giants had been close enough to be dragged into the Planes with them, but they were either killed off or left behind at the inter-plane portals. Ultimately, the only gems DeathOnAStick had at their ascension were 2 dilithium crystals."

"...Poverty Pie ...consists of the cheapest graham cracker crust you can find covered in a smattering of the cheapest whipped cream you can buy. As a side note, you never want to have someone slam one of those in your face; the aluminum foil that makes up the 'pan' is so thin that it bends into what amounts to a dagger. If you don't think I know what I am talking about, just look and my chin sometime; there's a small scar to prove my point.
Yes, I was actually injured in a PIE MATCH. Sadly, no one was there to throw up the dreaded X to abort the thing."

jncos: i didn't know it was possible for a cat to drink water the wrong way but somehow my little buddy figured it out
jncos: i'[m going to have to draw a diagram
— found (typos and all) on Tumblr

Dreamworks? She's a five year old girl. If you can't sell a five year old girl a cartoon with horses, you have FAILED. You have failed more totally than it should be possible for human beings to fail. You have created a masterpiece of ineptitude. You broke the damn scale.
Unshaved Mouse, on his daughter getting bored by Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

In an ideal world, an assassination should not end with you flat on your back with malaria while your target holds your gun, reads your orders to you, and then makes fun of you for being useless.
Internet Movie Firearms Database, discussing Far Cry 2

    Web Video 
Gavin Free: Oh, where did [the heart] go? Where did it go?
Michael Jones: You just threw it against the wall like a wet paper towel!

"E.T.! Yes, the dreaded E.T., made almost 20 years after the supposed "worst game of all time" on the Atari 2600. But would you believe — I shit you not — this version is far worse? Imagine playing ExciteBike blindfolded, with the controller held upside-down, coated in rubber cement while seated on a wild bull."
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure for the Gamecube

"I lost to Glass Joe. I LOST. TO GLASS JOE."
The Angry Video Game Nerd on playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! with the Power Glove

"Let me ask you something: How'd you get killed by a motherfucking paralyzed Tailow? It's paralyzed and it's a fucking sparrow!"
JonTron, Game Grumps note 

Arin: You just lost ALL your money! You just lost ALL your money!
Jon: If I can't be the BEST, I sure as hell can be the WOOOOORRSST!

[in-between fits of laughter] "We have a video game show that we do for a living...!"
Danny Sexbang, in the middle of a long string of embarrassing deaths, Shovel Knight Co-Op, Part 18

Jay: Reba McEntire! She flubs the national anthem.
Steve: Awful, by the way. The crowd booed her, and the announcers had to cover for her. That's quite sad.
Jay: Shame they didn't bring in her non-union Mexican equivalent... [beat] Ariba McEntire. I'll get my coat.

ChipCheezum: [as the player failed to capture a Pidgey and is bringing the Pikachu's health down] Your Pikac is about to die! [gets taken out]
General Ironicus: [incredulous] It-It-It got knocked out! The Pi...
ChipCheezum: You lost at Pokemon! It's like at the beginning of the game! You got owned by a Pidge! [Ironicus just busts out laughing] Now, go select your Pok.

"INXS. You were trying to sound like INXS. You were trying to emulate one of the sexiest bands of all time, and instead, you wrote "Hey, Soul Sister". You were trying to sound like this... (plays clip from "New Sensation") and instead, you sound like this. (plays clip from "Hey, Soul Sister") My god! That's like if you tried to make scrambled eggs and instead you caught syphilis! How does that level of failure even exist!?"

"There are speedruns [of this game] on YouTube in under a minute. YOU CALL THAT GOOD PROGRAMMING?!"
UrinatingTree's review of the Genesis port of Dark Castle

In The Little Wood: So my aiming's on par with Sjin's, then.
Smith: (by now clearly frustrated) Well, it's less about the aiming, and more about just-
Sjin: Seeing him.
Smith: Blatantly not seeing him walk by you.

"You know, even in my wildest dreams, I thought this couldn't possibly go this poorly..."

"This dumbass Ashford accidentally created a virus that would raise the dead trying to cure paralysis! Keep him the fuck away from science! I don't think they're on good terms!"

One day the Cabal decided they'd had enough of that old Civil War-era zombie cowboy who'd been kicking around for a full century after killing their God. They decided to make a really big fucking gun that tears holes in the fabric of reality to kill things for this purpose. They somehow failed so completely and utterly at the "kill people" part that every time they tried to use it against that zombie cowboy, they actually somehow brought his friends back to life.
Let's Play of Blood II: The Chosen, on the Singularity Generator

    Western Animation 
Rarity: I didn't know you could... burn juice.
[Later, Sweetie Belle presents a bowl full of a bubbling, black liquid.]
Rarity: Ugh... Let me guess, applesauce?
Sweetie Belle: Nope, toast.

"That failure was spectacular, even for me!"
Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Phineas and Ferb

"The soup is cold and the salad is hot. How is that even possible?!"
Dr. Eggman, Sonic Boom, "Chez Amy"

"How bad you got to time your punches for a blind nigga to see you coming, Granddad?"
Riley Freeman, The Boondocks


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