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Quotes / Blatant Lies

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Nope, this is not the page to post quotes about obvious lies. There are no quotes here, none at all.

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    Anime and Manga 
Rider: Um, I have this "Airhead" as a skill...
Shinji: Liar! Your status page isn't even updated!!

Shirogane: There's no need to study for exams. There should be no problems if you're studying right along. Last-minute cramming is absurd. You'll just wreck your health.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young man has even taken a leave of absence from his part-time job so he could stay up studying in the ten nights before the test.
Kaguya: That's a good point. Tests are a reflection of your own abilities. Even if you push yourself hard and get a decent score, that doesn't predict the future. The best thing to do is take it in a relaxed manner.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young lady is taking the finals extremely seriously.
Ishigami: I'm studying hard for finals this time around. Well, I'm going home to study.
Narrator: That was a lie. This young man only wants to continue playing the video game he bought recently. He has the nerve to buy a game right before exams.
Kaguya: And the amount you study won't necessarily translate into higher scores. Not studying is indeed a viable choice.
Narrator: Lies.
Shirogane: That's right. Instead of studying, in the days before a test, I just sit cross-legged and focus on the subject.
Narrator: Lies.
Fujiwara: I see. Understood. I won't study!
Narrator: She's serious.

    Comic Books 
Linda Danvers: Then why'd you tell me you were at Symphony Hall when you talked to me on the phone that day?
Philip: D-did I...?
Linda: If you're going to lie, at least try to be consistent!

Forgive my manners, captain. Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Scorpius... and I am here to serve you.
Scorpius, Farscape: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

    Fan Works 
Light: No one is listening to you, Ryuk.
Sayu: What does "Ryuk" mean?
Light: Uh, It's my new name for you. It means Ke$ha in Japanese.

    Film - Animated 
Logan, I think we lost him!
Deadpool, as The Incredible Hulk is three feet behind them, Hulk Vs Wolverine

    Film - Live-Action 
Mrs. Teasdale: Your Excellency, I thought you'd left!
Chicolini: Oh no, I no leave.
Mrs. Teasdale: But I saw you with my own eyes!
Chicolini: Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?

Quill: You look like Mary Poppins!
Yondu: Is he cool?
Quill: ...Hell yeah, he's cool.
Yondu: I'm Marry Poppins, y'all!

You have nice manners for a thief, and a LIAR!

Mook: It's fine. Everything's under control...
Frank: Under control? You're grabbing a fucking bazooka, dumbass!

She... she gets serious nightmares.
Paulie caught entangled with her girlfriend by a roommate, Lost and Delirious

I love democracy.
— Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, Attack of the Clones

Don't run! We are your friends!
— The Martians while blasting everything in sight with laser guns, Mars Attacks!

I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true.
Mark to Amber, The Other Woman

That guy was already up there when I got here.
Deadpool, after telling Colossus that nobody's getting hurt, Deadpool

It was a difficult time. I did all that I could to protect my House and then other members of Court in attendance. More's the pity that I could not save that usurping, traitorous bitch.
Lara Raith in one of her blunter moments, White Night

My eyes settled on their dining room table. There was a stack of money, wrapped with a paper band just as the money in the lunchbox had been. Beside the money, plain as day, was the dark gray metal of a handgun.
My attention caught by the gun, I only barely caught my dad's question. "What are they like?"
"They seem like good people."

"She's my friend."
"Was," I said. "It's a big difference."
Sundancer looked at the mound of ice, rock and forcefields. Echidna was thrusting her clawed hands through the barriers, only for them to be reinforced.
"Are there... does she have anyone inside her?"
"There's-" Tattletale started. I flew a bug into her mouth and down her throat, and she choked.
"No," I lied. "I've been keeping track with my bugs. Weld and the others got everyone out."
Saved everyone they could. If Weld had backed out and nobody else was able to free the small handful that were still trapped, that was it.
Nobody was correcting me. They knew, but they weren’t correcting me.

Wedge: We'll need a wheeled transport, one of the flatcam units our pursuers are carrying, and four sets of women's clothing.
Hobbie: Boss, please tell me you're not putting us in women's clothing.
Wedge: Very well. I'm not putting us in women's clothing.
(In the next chapter, the four pilots are in women's clothing)
Hobbie: You lied to me.
Wedge: I did. With my brilliant achievements in the diplomatic profession has come the realization that lies can be powerful motivators.
Hobbie: My faith is shattered.
Wedge: You knew, when I said we needed four sets of women's clothing, that we were going to end up in them. You knew. So any hopes you had to the contrary were just self-delusion.
Hobbie: I understand that. But I'd rather blame you than me.

    Live-Action TV 
Sometimes the truth hurts. In these situations, I recommend lying.

Shcherbina: Why did I see graphite on the roof? Graphite is only found in the core where it's used as a neutron flux modulator, (addressing Legasov) correct?
Bryukhanov: (looks at Shcherbina with an "Oh, fuck!" sort of facial expression, then turns to Fomin) Fomin, why did the Deputy Chairman see graphite on the roof?
Fomin: Well, that... that can't be. Comrade Shcherbina, my apologies, but graphite... that's not possible. Perhaps you saw burnt concrete?
Shcherbina: Now there, you made a mistake, because I may not know much about nuclear reactors, but I know a lot about concrete.

I'll just go in this police box and arrest myself.
The Doctor, whose spaceship resembles a police box, Doctor Who

The Doctor: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any Nitro-9, have you?
Ace: What if I had?
The Doctor: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not. I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.
The Doctor: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
Ace: (delighted grin)
Doctor Who, "Silver Nemesis"

Dougal: Why didn't you lie to him?
Ted: I did! I told him great big massive lies with feckin' bells hanging off them!
Father Ted, "Entertaining Father Stone"

CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT UP... for one fucking minute? I'm asking nicely.
—-Glenn Cullen, The Thick of It

The truth.
Patrick Kielty, answering "Unlikely Things to Hear in a TV Election Debate", Mock the Week

I just want us to be friends.
Randall Flynn, a man who says this twice to people who came to wish they never made a deal with him, and his definition of "friend" is quite twisted, Revolution, "The Children's Crusade"

Joe: She murdered him?
Matt: A mercy-killing, she'd call it.
Joe: So when did you find out about this? I mean, when did you know that this had happened?
(Cut to Matt and the rest of the group staring in horror at the livestream of Jennifer forcing poison into Harry's mouth)
Matt: Wipe and destroy everything. Okay? Everything! Now, go!

Genesis P-Orridge: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
(tape plays)
Tape: Uh, we're Throbbing Gristle, and we'd just like to make a small announcement: all the sounds you hear tonight are generated live as we're playing, there are no prepared backing tapes and no Revoxes.
— From a 1980 show at Sheffield University

    Newspaper Comics 
Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security.
Sincerely, The President.
P.S. Really.
— A letter given to Mrs. Wormwood, Calvin and Hobbes

Dilbert: Why have you ignored my request, Ted?
Ted: I was killed by a squadron of giant military squirrels.
Wally: He doesn't respect you enough to tell a plausible lie.
Dilbert: I demand a plausible lie!
Ted: Okay, maybe I wasn't killed by giant military squirrels. But I was imprisoned in their secret lair at the center of the earth.
Wally: You can't prove that one either way.
Dilbert: He did say it was a "secret" lair.

    Stand-Up Comedy 
Cop: What's going on, sir? You seem to be injured.
Uncle Donnie: Oh, this! I got to tell you, some fucking psycho just cut my fucking hand off and made limb stew out of those three mutilated fuckers floating around the boat, here. He's swimming that way if you want to fucking catch the bastard.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Uncle Donnie: I had a few chardonnays, what of it?
Cop: You're going to have to come with us.
Uncle Donnie: Alright, Sherlock Holmes, I killed them. But, you'll never catch me 'cuz I'm the fastest fucking butterfly swimmer in the fucking world!
Adam Sandler, "The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie"

    Video Games 
Zozo? Never heard of it.
— A thief standing by the entrance of Zozo, Final Fantasy VI

Maurice Chavez: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero. But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!
Alex Shrub: No one is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not — I shall not — I cannot stoop to your level! They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano. And I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers!
Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, Pressing Issues

Hello i am in braille
— A book translated from Morse Code, A Super Mario Bros X Thing

Jade: Well now... I'll just ask him a little about Mt. Roneal... Please wait outside, everyone.
(everyone is outside, with Jade alone with Dist in the room)
Jade: ...
Dist: (while the ground is shaking) ... AAAAAAHHH!! S-stop! Stop! You're killing me!! Jade, I'm sorryyyyyy!!!
Jade: (comes out alone, completely deadpan) It seems the earthquakes have led to more frequent avalanches. Also, an extremely powerful monster has taken up residence in the deeper parts. The monsters in the area have likely grown aggressive due to at influence.
Luke: O-okay... Um, about that scream just now...
Jade: Oh, that was nothing. Now let's be going.
Luke: Right...

There's a limit, even to obvious lies.
Reimu Hakurei, Touhou

Eiki Shiki, Yamaxanadu: Let's talk about you, instead. Yes, you are a little too comfortable with lying.
Marisa Kirisame: That isn't true. I haven't told a single lie since I was born.
Touhou Kaeidzuka ~ Phantasmagoria of Flower View

Suddenly, I noticed that Picky was gone. I blame the cops... it certainly wasn't my fault at all.
Porky Minch, EarthBound

I'm not going to stick my butt out or anything, though.
Wess, Mother 3


Maura: Hey, babe. Where've you been?
Clango: Nowhere! I briefly ceased to exist in time and space!
Maura: That doesn't sound suspicious at all.

Antimony: Hello. I would like to enter, please.
Doorbot: Robots onl... what's that on your head?
Antimony: These are my antennas, because I am clearly a robot.
Doorbot: Oh! Well... it's true that some robots have antennas... hmm...
Antimony: Also, robots never lie.
Doorbot: Hey, you're right! Come on in, friends!
Antimony: We are looking for a particular robot. A... fellow robot. Because we are also robots.
Doorbot: Administration is right down that way.
Reynardine: Your powers of deception and trickery are bewildering, child.

Soldier: Come on, guys? Why would I lie? We're all Americans here!
Ms. Pauling: Well, not all of us, obviously. I mean, Medic's German and Heavy's from Russ-
Medic: (kaf)
Heavy: (nudge nudge)
Ms. Pauling: Ow! What? Oh.
Heavy: Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big joke! Big American joke on Soldier!
Soldier: Ha! You got me!
Heavy: Ohh, America, it is the place I am from. All the time.

Susan's Logic: Look, I've got nothing. Now deny everything to Diane.
Susan: I was thinking about baseball.
Diane: No you weren't.
Susan: Congrats, Sherlock.

(Monotone) "Oh, darn. Amadeus has been taken out by the enemy, who's not even here yet. Guess we'll need to press on without him."
Rikku, after throwing Amadeus off into the tress, Fate/Gamers Only

    Web Original 
Evan: I wonder who you are.
Jon: I'm, uh, Mario.
Azura: Mario has the PAWNCH?
Jon: Mario has a poncho. He's, uh, from Mexico.
Azura: Sweet.
Ashley: Or is he from Spain?
Jon: Ethnic minority Mario! Collect them all!
ProtonJon and his friends, waiting for the next match to begin

Zero Punctuation, part of the end credits in for Tomodachi Life

Cloud: We're actually looking for a man. Black cape, silver hair, giant sword...
Cait Sith: Oh, you mean Sephiroth?
Cloud: Yeah, have you seen him?!
Cait Sith: No, who is that?

"I have received several urgent Facebook messages and Twitter DMs from a vague yet menacing government agency, asking me to deliver the following message: 'Briny depths'. They said that there was nothing secret or important about the message, and that it was certainly not related to any ongoing deep undercover operations that they can only communicate with using codewords subtly buried in local radio broadcasts. It wasn't anything crazy like that, they just think it would be cool to hear me say 'Briny depths'. 'Do your deepest, smoothest voice,' they said. 'Really sell it. Really give it your all. It would make us so happy. Please, it's our birthday! Oh, did we not mention? It's totally our birthday. Alright, in your best voice, say it: 'Briny depths'."
Cecil Palmer, Welcome to Night Vale

Woman: Ooh a puppy!
Man: Careful, he has a knife!
Puppy: [holding a knife] Wh-what what???? N-no, no I don’t...

    Western Animation 
Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Principal Skinner: Uhhh, oh! That isn't smoke! It's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmmm, steamed clams!
Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Seymour: Ohoho, no! Patented Skinner burgers! Old family recipe!
Chalmers: For "steamed hams".
Seymour: Yes!
Seymour: Yeah, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
Chalmers: (spots Skinner's burning kitchen) Good Lord! What is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis.
Chalmers: A-Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day?! In this part of the country?! LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN?!
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: (beat) May I see it?

    Real Life 
If you saw a bullet hit a bird and he told you he wasn't shot, you might weep at his courtesy, but you would certainly doubt his word.

Bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.
Harry Frankfurt, "On Bullshit"


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