A tendency for people to mock others for having certain hobbies or things they like. They imply that it's a bit more than just "like". They might imply the feeling is actually romantic, or more recently, sexual.
Say someone is talking about their stamp collection, and you get sick of it and say, "Why don't you marry it?" Or say, "You have a stamp fetish?" This may lead to a gag in which the character actually does marry the object.
Actually used more in Real Life and meta fiction than in actual fiction. Some fans make a crack about authors or characters doing things that aren't really Fetish or Author Appeal, but seem like it anyway.
"Why don't you marry it?"
- A late '90s commercial for Cap'n Crunch's Peanut Butter Crunch has a girl ask her older brother this question. "Maybe I will!" he responds, and imagines a Falling-in-Love Montage of scenes of him being married to the cereal.
- And one from McDonalds involving an older sister, a younger brother, and Apple Dippers. Including the groom's family, which are apples.
- In the late '80s-early '90s, when AT&T first introduced 3-way calling to residential phone lines, a TV commercial for this feature showed a mom whose son and daughter had grown up and moved out of her home, and who couldn't decide which of her 2 kids she wanted to call more; when she called both of them, the daughter said, "I just love AT&T's new 3-way calling!", to which the son snarked, "Well why don'tcha marry it?"
- An advertisement for Payless: a woman says that she likes BOGO ("buy one, get one") and the woman with her asks "Well, why don't you marry it?" The woman considers this, that she could be "Mrs. Payless BOGO."
- Mazinger Z: Kouji Kabuto has this thrown at him by his little brother after spending just a little too much time gushing over a new support unit for the Mazinger. Kouji's reply is along the lines of a not entirely sarcastic "maybe I will," much to the annoyance of Sayaka. And then is the episode where Minerva-X appeared...
- From Soul Eater, when Marie Mjolnir complains to her straight-laced friend and fellow Death Scythe Yumi Azusa about having terrible luck with men in the ladies room, Yumi jokes that she should marry the toilet. Marie promptly commits and fantasizes about the wedding. Yumi however points out that toilets aren't exactly faithful, whereupon Marie smashes the toilet in one blow. In the manga, marrying the toilet is her idea. She doesn't want to be any more of a Christmas Cake, so she decides to marry the toilet because it will accept anything given to it without question.
- Yuki from School-Live! teased Kurumi twice in the anime about how she should marry her shovel.
- In Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Joys of Seasons episode 1, after it suddenly becomes night and Wolffy decides to go get some sleep after having just went outside to go catch the goats, Wolnie screams "If you like goats so much, why don't you just marry one?!"
- Comedian Mike Birbiglia plays with this in one joke: "I love pizza so much that I would marry it, but it would really just be an elaborate plot to eat her whole family at the reception."
- In Action Comics #830, Dr Psycho says this when he realises Noble Demon Black Adam doesn't share his contempt for Superman.
- During the "Home Schooling" arc of Runaways, Molly Hayes declares that she wants to marry Old Lace, mainly because she's bored and trying to get a rise out of Klara Prast, who's ignoring her.
- The Powerpuff Girls: "Pizza My Heart" (DC Comics #41) opens with the girls and the Professor at a pizza restaurant. Buttercup is joyously sprinkling garlic powder on her slice.
Buttercup: I sure do love garlic!
Bubbles: (winking to her) Then why don't you marry it?
- From the fanfic Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality: God he loved his Time-Turner and someday, when they were old enough, they would get married. He later extends the arrangement to include his cool Defence teacher.
- The Typical Gundam SEED Destiny
Shinn: Minerva! Send me a new chest flyer and the Sword Silhouette!
Meyrin: [over communications channel] If you love the Sword Silhouette so much, why don't you marry it?
Shinn: Just do it, Luna's sister!
- Fire Away:
Harry: Great. Who won? Falmouth Falcons or Chudley Cannons?
Ron: Who do you think? Cannons of course! World's greatest team.
Fred: Yeah, our Ronnikins is marrying the Captain of the Cannons next year.
- In Fighting Back - Part One after the Sorting Hat offers to testify against Dumbledore, Harry says that if it were a girl he'd marry it.
- In Mockingbird a pregnant Harry enthuses over a meal of meatballs, mashed potatoes with gravy and spicy pickles.
Harry: Mmmm, I think I could marry this food...At least make it my mistress.
- In Trickshot Penelope objects to Percy's belief that she should be a housewife after they graduate from Hogwarts.
Percy: That's what my mother did.
Penelope: And I don't like your mother. I've only met her a few times and I find her to be rude, bossy, overbearing and incapable of understanding the word privacy.
Percy: Don't insult my mother!
Penelope: I... [Harry whispers in her ear.] If you love her so much then why don't you marry her?
- In Monsters, Inc. Mike Wazowski thinks he's so romantic he should just marry himself.
- From The Lonely Island's end credits theme for The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part:
How long are these credits? They seem longWhich is great because we l-l-l-love 'emI want to wrap my arms around and h-h-h-hug 'emIf they were a person, I would marry the creditsAnd on our honeymoon we would play tennis in VeniceI'll grow old with the credits and share a code to our debits
- In the TV movie Blue Window (based on Craig Lucas's play), a woman says, about what she's getting tipsy on, "I love this punch. I want to have a relationship with this punch."
- A variation in the film The Court Jester:
Roderick: I am king. If it pleases me, you shall marry Griswold.
Gwendolyn: If it pleases you so much, you marry Griswold.
- Harold And Kumar Go To Whitecastle: When Harold and Kumar are arrested and put into jail by racist, hick cops, Kumar spots a confiscated bag of weed and fantasizes going on a date with a giant anthropomorphized bag of weed. Then taking it on a date, having sex with it, marrying it, and ending up in an abusive domestic argument with it.
- In Mystery Men The Bowler asks "If you love him so much, why don't you marry him?" when the Shoveler is worried about Mr. Furious' departure from the team. He asks her the same, and it turns into an Argument of Contradictions.
- A rare example where this is meant and taken seriously in Problem Child 2. It's the standard set up - Nice Guy Ben is betrothed to the Rich Bitch Lawanda, but there's a Nice Girl Annie, so their kids hook them up and crash the arranged wedding. Ben's father needs Lawanda's money to fund his failing enterpise, so he demands that his son marries her, to which Ben suggest that he marries her instead. He does, and it all ends to mutual satisfaction.
- Harry Potter:
- In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, after Percy gushes one too many times about his new boss, Ron comments, "They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."
- And in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Ron makes a similar statement about the feelings of apparition instructor Wilkie Twycross regarding Hermione- "Oh, she was perfect, obviously. Perfect deliberation, divination, and desperation or whatever the hell it is - we all went for a quick drink in the Three Broomsticks after and you should've heard Twycross going on about her - I'll be surprised if he doesn't pop the question soon."
- In Stink and the Freaky Frog Freakout from the Stink Moody series, a spinoff of the Judy Moody books, when Stink becomes "freaky for frogs," his friend Riley suggests "You should marry a frog, you like them so much."
- In the picture book Betty Bunny Loves Chocolate Cake, Betty Bunny declares that she's going to marry chocolate cake after having her first taste of it.
- In Pax, a pre-teen - young adult novel about a boy and his fox, the boy Peter meets a woman, Vola, who keeps using the word "dyableman." (It's a Haitian-Creole word that means "damned.") He tells her that he if he were in second grade, he'd tell her that she loves the word so much, she should marry it.
- On one of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, a flashback of a younger Greg has him meeting a boy named Quinn at school saying this word-for-word after asking Greg if he likes ice cream. Being just a little kid, Greg thinks that he'll actually have to marry ice cream until Susan tells him Quinn was just joking.
Quinn: Do you like ice cream?
Quinn: Then why don't you MARRY it?
- Pee-wee's Playhouse used the phrase occasionally, and finally Pee-Wee said, "All right, I will!"... about a bowl of fruit salad. The ceremony was lovely.
- In Friends, Phoebe gets wasted and mocks Ross for getting so many divorces. "You love divorce so much, you'll probably marry it! But that won't work out and you'll have to get a divorce as well."
- 30 Rock Tracy Jordan likes Halo so much, he wants to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
- From Pushing Daisies: "You love secrets. You want to marry secrets and have little half-human half-secrets babies."
- Doctor Cox on Scrubs used this aimed at himself for emphasis in one episode.
I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.
This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.
- In an episode of Arrested Development, George Sr. enjoys an ice cream sandwich whilst in prison. Later in the episode, Michael walks in on Lucille screaming into the phone: "Well, why don't you marry an ice cream sandwich?" As it turns out, she was talking to Gob.
- A version of this trope appeared on House when a gay man with HIV wanted House to diagnose him (thinking he had something else in addition to the HIV).
House: Now let go of my cane before I make it your new boyfriend.
Kalvin: Honey, I will marry it if you take my case.
House: Congress says you can't, so...
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Anya: You know, if you love Riley Finn so much maybe you should just marry him.
- Willow said this about Spike and Buffy once. Unfortunately, at the time, Power Incontinence made it so everything she said literally came true. Cue them spending the rest of the episode jumping between being Sickeningly Sweethearts and fighting over their marriage plans. This was before they got together in the series normally, so everyone was very disturbed.
- And on Season Six, when Anya and Xander are talking about their wedding plans after speaking with Riley and Sam, this ensues:
Xander: He's taken. (Beat) And that's not the point.
- Gilmore Girls: "I love my new digital camera, I wanna marry it."
- From an iCarly episode: "I love this pie. I wanna be Mrs. Sam... This Pie."
- Saturday Night Live had a sketch on the season 31 episode hosted by Alec Baldwin in which a little boy says he loves hot dogs. Another kid says, "If you love it so much, why doncha marry it?" Cut to 20, 30 years later, and the little boy becomes a man (Baldwin) married to a hot dog with two half-human, half-hot dog kids (played by Amy Poehler and Andy Samberg).
Pierce: "If you like it so much, why don't you gay marry it?"
- Pierce's retort to Annie standing up for Greendale.
- Jeff's response to Abed observing that the Black Rider is "network-TV good-looking."
- Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear was once so impressed with a road he was driving on that he wanted to marry it and have its babies.
- In the BBC production Bernard And the Genie, the genie (who was trapped in the lamp for nearly two millennia and is very much a Fish out of Temporal Water) reacts to listening to classical music for the first time by declaring, "My ears want to mate with this music and bear its children!"
- Older Than Steam: In Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, Hermia's father Egeus is trying to force her to marry Demetrius. Her lover Lysander tells Demetrius that if Egeus thinks he's so great, "Do you marry him!"
- In West Side Story, Baby John, commenting on a comic book he's reading, says that he loves Superman (Captain Marvel in the 1961 film). Another Jet quips to him, "So marry him!"
- Our chief Deadpan Snarker, GLaDOS, even stoops to this when the player is holding one of her fallen personality cores, as quoted above.
- From Portal 2, Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science and complete lunatic on science:
Cave Johnson: Science isn't about why, it's about why not! Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired! Not you, test subject, you're doing fine. Yes, you! Box, your stuff! Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye.
- In The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel IV, a girl catches her boyfriend outside Crosbell's casino, chastising him for being about blow all their money. He makes an excuse, but she doesn't buy it, telling him he can just marry the casino if he likes it that much.
- Sluggy Freelance occasionally uses this trope for Riff's love of hi-tech weaponry.
- Questionable Content:
Hannelore: THIS PLACE IS A BUTT AND YOU ARE ALSO A BUTT
- After Marten visits a new coffee shop with Hannelore because it's too awkward to go back to Coffee of Doom after his awkward breakup with Dora. Hannelore, of course, now works at Co D, and rather angrily invokes this trope as Marten proclaims his approval of the new place.
- In another one, Marigold and Dale are having an incredibly awkward anime night. Dale mentions he likes Pretty Space Samauri Makodo, and Marigold says she thought it was dumb. After a Death Glare from Momo, she amends her opinion to "I - I mean it's really good! It's the best! I want to marry it!" Dale is confused.
- In a Shortpacked!! guest strip by Randy Milholland, when Ethan defends the Nightrunner character from then-recent Batman comics, a customer replies "Jesus! If you love him so much, go fag-marry French Batman." Ethan calmly replies "He's fictional, sir, and gay marriage isn't legal yet. But I've got something just as wonderful." Cut to Ethan's boyfriend, in costume, declaring "Je suis ... Batman!"
- Darths & Droids
- In Homestuck, Jade combines the human concept of marriage with the troll concept of kismesistude to make Karkat's password "IF I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, THEN WHY DON'T I HATEMARRY MYSELF?"
- Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series.
- Mako loved the ocean so much he actually married it. And then divorced. And then they got back together.
- When Kaiba refuses to let Yami uses his Blue-Eyes White Dragon, even to defeat Noah, Yami exasperatedly asks why he doesn't just marry it. "Believe me, I've looked into it."
- The spEak You're bRanes blog has the URL ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com. Comes from the overuse of this phrase in the Have Your Say comments that the blog is dedicated to mocking ("If you like China so much, why don't you go live there?")
- Happy Tree Friends - "A Sucker for Love (Part Two)". To sum it up briefly, it's like the Daydream Surprise from "Just One Bite" lasted the entire episode. And then some.
- wheezywaiter married his coffee in You Got it, Dude
- The Living Tombstone's "No Mercy", about Overwatch, has this pop up while Blackgryphon is insisting that their loss is the fault of everyone but him because nobody picked a support class:
- From The Onion: "Man Likes Woman So Much He Marries Her".
- Part of Enrico Maxwell's rant in Episode 6 of Hellsing Ultimate Abridged goes into Pope Francis' support of the LGBTQ community.
And don't get me started on the homosexuals! Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you fucking marry them?! YOU SEEM SO OKAY WITH THE CONCEPT!!
- In a flashback episode of Bojack Horseman, Jessica Biel's marriage to Mr Peanutbutter ends in a Double Subversion of this trope:
Mr Peanutbutter: Hey, if you like Justin so much, maybe you should just continue being really good friends with him!Jessica Biel: Fine, maybe I will marry Justin!Mr Peanutbutter: Uh, I didn't say that...Jessica Biel: I now pronounce this marriage over! Biel with it!
- There was a scene in Family Guy where, after someone states Peter should marry a slice of blueberry pie, he does and then proceeds to make it the beneficiary of his life insurance. He eats it in the time it takes to pull the necessary forms.
- In Transformers: Prime, Miko says this to Bulkhead when he asks how Arcee is.
- Ren & Stimpy had an entire episode based on this. (It's a chicken from a grocery store, squick ensues.)
- And in one of the comic books it's a bag of kitty litter.
- The Simpsons:
Kearney: Hey, Skinner! If you like Chalmers so much, why don't you marry him?
- In "Lisa the Vegetarian", Lisa encounters Janey, Ralph, and annoying twins Sherri and Terri, who taunt her for becoming a vegetarian. Janey asks her if she's going to marry a carrot. She sarcastically replies "Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot". The other kids (whether intentionally or not) miss her sarcasm and giggle madly that she admitted it.
- In "There's Something About Marrying", Homer becomes a minister and starts officiating gay marriages. When Lovejoy complains and cites the Bible during a talk show appearance, Homer taunts him with the question and then pronounces them man and wife - with Lovejoy as the wife.
- In "Missionary: Impossible", Homer goes to Micronesia to become a missionary (and evade collectors). Two natives, Qtoktok and Ak, told him what Craig and Amy (Homer's predecessors) were doing before leaving and Homer was so upset from hearing about them he asked the two natives why they didn't marry Craig and Amy. Qtoktok, showing that he Does Not Understand Sarcasm, told Ak he knew they should have asked.
- In "Bart's Not Dead", Dolph taunts Martin over his cello with this question, only for Superintendent Chalmers to put him in his place. Principal Skinner sucks up to Chalmers, as usual, prompting this exchange:
Skinner: Well, as the superintendent, he's married to all the principals.
Chalmers: Thank you. You've made the anniversary of my wife's death even more depressing.
- Avatar: The Last Airbender "Sokka's Master": Katara once accused Toph of this towards Sokka. In an attempt to crack a joke...which resulted in non-amused looks.
- Toyed with on The Venture Bros. when Jonas Venture Jnr. reveals his secret weapon:
G-Man #1: If that gun were a woman I'd marry it!"
G-Man #2: If that gun were a woman I'd jeapordise our friendship by sleeping with your hot wife!
Little Boy: There's nothing better to do after school, than stay at school and play!
- Used so hilariously in the episode "Balony and Kids", a spoof on Barney and Kids.
Little Girl: I love school so much, I wish I could marry it!
(Little Boy eyes Little Girl with confusion)
- Another episode has Ralph revealed to be marrying a live chicken, because he loves chicken so much, though it was All Just a Dream. When he wakes up, he gets excited when presented with a bucket of chicken by his actual wife.
- South Park episode "200" suggests that Tim Burton should just marry Johnny Depp already.
- In the Spongebob Squarepants episode "Married to Money", after one of Plankton's failed attempts to get the Krabby Patty secret formula, he mocks Mr. Krabs' love for money and asks why doesn't he marry it. To which Mr. Krabs replies sadly that he would if he could.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003): Raphael make use of this trope to Donatello when the latter wouldn't stop praising the mousers' robotics.
- In the American Dad! episode "American Dream Factory", a prospective employee keeps bring up the perks at Best Buy, to the point where Stan yells out "WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY BEST BUY IF YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH?!"
- In the Chowder episode "Mung on the Rocks", Truffles accuses Mung of loving his kitchen more than her and tell him this. Chowder takes it a bit literally.
Chowder: You can marry a kitchen!? One day. (makes out with a table)
Mung: Chowder, stop kissing my kitchen!
- On Teen Titans Go!, Starfire mentions how much she loves chili, and Raven sarcastically suggests that she marry it. Starfire, being Literal-Minded, takes her up on the offer.
- In Big Hero 6: The Series, the Noodle Burger jingle, which Noodle Burger Boy insists on singing at regular intervals even after he's turned evil, declares "If I could, I'd marry Noodle Burger/'Cause Noodle Burger rings my bell!"
- This sign◊, which was made in response to a group of counter-protesting Christians at a pro-gay marriage protest in Washington DC.
- Rather ironic, since the Bible makes frequent comparisons of Jesus and the Church to a groom and bride...
- At the Rally to Restore Sanity:
Jon Stewart: I do love America!
Stephen Colbert: Then why don't you marry it?
Jon Stewart: Stephen, that's what a fourth grader would say.
Stephen Colbert: A fourth grader who LOVES AMERICA!
- There are some legends about female saints, who, confronted with the problem of being wooed by clingy suitors who wouldn't leave them alone, sent them their breasts, eyes, or whatever the male had complimented most, in a box, as if to imply: "If you like my eyes so much, why don't you marry them?" This was... mostly effective, although probably more because of Nightmare Fuel than anything else. (It should be noted that the Bible says to chop off whatever body part makes you do evil, it doesn't mention chopping off body parts that cause other people to act in an immoral way.)
- One episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show featured a guest who loved her house so much, she had it legally declared her spouse, with official documentation and everything.
"Probably has a fetish for it."
- In The Darwin Chronicles, Scott Summers is very fond of the Blackbird, to the point that Jean Grey jokingly calls it "the other woman".
"It's not enough that we're up so fucking high, now you're telling me we're gonna get fried? That it happens all the goddamn time? Fuck, I always knew this piece of shit was a deathtrap."
Summers' lips thinned. It belatedly occurred to Logan that Jean referred to the Blackbird as "the other woman." Something to add to the ever-growing list of reasons why Captain Tightass was a freak.
"This is not 'a piece of shit,' " the kid said icily. "SHE'S an SR-71, a Blackbird, the fastest air-breathing jet in the world. You should feel damn privileged to be aboard. Flying a Blackbird is a religious experience."
- In a movie adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard, one of the Duke cousins said he'd sleep with their car. When the other asked if he meant in instead of with, the cousin confirmed he meant to have sex with it.
- In West Side Story (1961), Baby John comments on Captain Marvel, a comic book he is reading. He says, "Gee, I love him." Action impatiently snaps, "So marry him!"
- Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series takes Kaiba's obession with the Blue-Eyes White Dragon card to a whole new level, and it's repeatedly stated that he has some form of dragon-fetish.
Yami: Why don't you just marry the Blue-Eyes if you love it so much?Kaiba: Believe me, I've looked into it.
- lonelygirl15 fans joke that Jonas Wharton has a bathtub fetish, seeing as there are so many scenes of him in the bath.
- In Survival of the Fittest, an in-universe fan of the show comments that the 'writers' must have a fetish for people getting blown up. Oliver Dodd also accuses Danya of having some kind of fetish for seeing students getting carved up. Some characters enjoy violence a little too much...
If you love this article so much, why don't you just marry it?