SF Debris: Kirk dictates a log entry, his bridge crew all collapsed around him. Kirk recommends commendations awarded to 5 of his bridge crew, while the camera lovingly shows us seven people beside him. What happened during the commercial? "As for Lieutenant Meyers, he cried like a baby at his coming death and then soiled himself. Recommend he posthumously received the Hoshi Sato Cowering Chicken medal, with clusters."
Khan's first words when he is revived: "Du...du...du...Duke Nukem Forever. Is it out yet?"
Chuck's take on Dr. McCoy's creeping alcoholism, and Kirk's indifference to it, is particularly funny in this review.
Kirk (Speaking to Lt. McGivers): If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
McCoy: Jim, I drink because I'm afraid to kill myself quickly.
Kirk: Back to work, Bones.
It doubles as a Call Back to a cheesy line in an episode of Voyager he'd already reviewed.
The opening of his "Where No Man Has Gone Before" review after Kirk asks Spock if he means ESP as in Extra Sensory Perception: "No captain, they were looking for ESPN for the scores on... OF COURSE IT'S EXTRA SENSORY PERCEPTION YOU STUPID HUMAN!"
"Anyway what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Kelso."
"The department heads, including "Hot Lips" Houlihan, has come to study the crews reactions in space and Gary Mitchell being the enlightened 23rd century guy that he is, hits on her in front of everyone"
"Acronyms can be confusing. I once heard of someone commenting on the climactic battle with the octopus monster at the at the end of POTC 2, which is confusing as hell when the speaker means Pirates Of The Caribbean and you're thinking Passion Of The Christ! And you don't know how much I wanted to see the sequel where Jesus battles the Kraken." and then right after words "Kirk is still concerned there could be such a thing, the ESP thing not the Jesus Kraken thing."
The backstory to "Wolf in the Fold" establishes that Scotty (temporarily) hates all women after being injured by an incompetent female colleague, and that in order to cure him, they have to take him to a titty bar. Later on, Chuck says that since the planet's male security officer falsely pinned the blame for several murders on Scotty, the only reasonable conclusion is that Scotty now hates all men as a result, and must be treated accordingly. Cut to the Enterprise crew attending a bar filled with scantily clad male gladiators (intercutting earlier footage from the titty bar with clips from the episode "Bread and Circuses"), with big goofy grins on their faces.
Chuck's opinion of McCoy from the same episode:
Chuck:"Prescribing happy pills and whores. You know, Bones is my kind of doctor!!"
In "The Menagerie":
After being told the Talosians were forced underground "thousands of centuries ago".
Chuck: Some went underground, and some became cyborgs with a hive mind and left. You'll probably never see them again.
The merciless heckling of the Starbase secretary inexplicably being played as The Ditz. "I know outside! It's so big!"
When Kirk and Kor are told that one day the Federation and Klingon Empire will be friends:
Chuck:[as Kor] I swear it will never happen, or may my forehead lose its smoothness!
From his review of "The Omega Glory":
Kirk: It seems impossible; a star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
Chuck!Spock: But, you violate it all the time, captain.
Chuck!Kirk: Of course, I never took that shit seriously, but I always figured everyone else did.
Chuck!Spock: What about Giles, just two weeks ago? (From the episode, "Patterns Of Force")
Chuck!Kirk: That doesn't count.
Chuck!McCoy: Doesn't count? Jim, he made a planet of Nazis!
Chuck!Kirk: So, one man decides to turn a pre-war planet into a recreation of Nazi Germany and you blow everything out of proportion! We stopped the genocide in time, so quit crying you big baby! Now, where was I?
Chuck!Spock: That someone would violate the Prime Directive is unthinkable.
Chuck!Kirk: Absolutely unthinkable. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a lady in a fur bikini who has never heard a pick-up line in her life. Don't wait up.
Keeping track of Kirk's arousal level throughout "What Are Little Girls Made Of?". It even goes up when a woman slaps him.
Also, making a list of things Kirk would screw, leading to a song, and adding carousel music to the android duplication device scene.
From the "Turnabout Intruder" review:
"Hi everybody! According to my advanced medicalticion training, this woman's problem is she has a penis!"
Chuck saying that Lester's assistant, Dr. Coleman, looks like a Six Million Dollar Man toy he used to have as a kid.
In "The Way to Eden" he lets one clip stand on its own, with one of the female hippies trying to seduce Sulu, who only says "How do you know what I want?" Chuck then says "It's the grin that sells it."
In somewhat more of a meta example, I turned away as the leader was making a speech to Spock about why they should have a jam session. I had just spaced out the speech, when "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!" suddenly exploded out of the speakers.
And he rates the episode "1/10: Written by Herbert".
From "Amok Time", he says that the mere mention of reproduction was so racy that the German dub completely rewrote the episode into a fever dream of Spock's. The punchline?
Since then, they've relaxed their standards, so now there's a topless woman who's a recurring character on Sesame Street
Chuck Spock looks over the records of the Constellation and reaches the conclusion that what they are dealing with is essentially a giant robot that eats planets, the most probable suspect being seen here (Shows a picture of Unicron).
The Animated Series
During the scene in Yesteryear where Young Spock has to choose between putting I Chaya down or letting him suffer, Chuck notes how standards were wary about animals being put down in cartoons. Noting the Scooby-Doo episode where they put Scoob down for being too old, or the My Little Pony episode where they shot Rainbow Dash for breaking her leg.
Rainbow Dash: But I can still fly! * cut to black, sound of gunshot*
The snippy dialogue between Spock and the Guardian of Forever, a Call Back to "City On The Edge Of Forever", is hysterical thanks to Chuck's impersonation of the Guardian.
From the review of "Q-pid", Chuck muses on how the Enterprise is used for receptions, a Space Holiday Inn, if you will, culminating in the mental image of Worf chasing a shriner down the hallways.
Also from "Q-pid", Q asks what Robin Hood is most famous for. After Q brush off "steals from the rich and gives to the poor", Chuck starts naming other famous deeds, each time cutting back to Q's "Besides that" response.
It has some good moments, like Chuck describing saying Worf's bat'leth competition trophy can be used as a weapon, and trying to figure out how to describe a group of Worfs before settling on calling it a "brood".
His discussion of his twin boys was his funniest joke so far.
As Data gives Worf his birthday present, which is obviously a painting, Chuck says "Oh, I bet that's a basketball!"
Chuck's commentary on Worf learning he's married to Troi in an alternate reality:
Chuck: Give the man a pointy stick and a bad guy, and it doesn't matter where he is, Worf knows what to do. This? you might as well be asking him to write your horoscope.
Worf's goodbye to Troi before returning to his reality:
He duly points out that it's really hard to write good jokes about bad comedy since it all comes back to the same point, but he makes a few really, really good stabs. After Okana shares some of his, uh, "wisdom" and explains he was joking, Chuck exasperatedly says, "After listening to you, Okana, I don't even know what a joke is anymore."
Chuck's complete confusion over a joke that was so bad that it was cut in favor of Joe Piscopo's lame material is comedy gold.
"Blame the pattern of my life!" "I blame the pattern of your vest."
The entire discussion about the horrible failed joke Guinan tells... and the one from the original draft of the script, which made even less sense. “If there’s a joke in there, we need a team of archaeologists with those little brushes to go in there and look for it.”
The entire riff on Picard holding a phallic object in front of his crotch in "Masks", suspecting that Stewart and Frakes knew exactly what it looked like and did it deliberately.
"The Best of Both Worlds":
His comment that trying to ward off the Borg with the threat of their new technology is like trying to ward off a date rapist with the threat that you have crotchless panties. Then commenting that if you find that a tasteless metaphor, you'd be completely wrong, because it's a simile.
The description for Part II of his "The Best of Both Worlds": "Opinionated Next Gen Episode Guide presents part 2 of the classic. The Borg plan to overwhelm the entire Federation with just one ship and the abducted Picard, the cosmic equivalent of 'Why you hitting yourself, why you hitting yourself?'"
ALL of Chuck's lines for Picard's brother Robert "the Happiest man in Europe" Picard, regarding how hilariously dickish (Where you going? I was getting my best curse words ready ya baldy skidmark!) and miserable (I had an orgasm once. I didn't care for it) he acts with his "barely concealed rural rage". Directly comparing him to both the Banjo kid from Deliverance and Jason Voorhees in terms of people skills. One quote that stands out is "I think Robert missed his true calling, running an orphanage in a Charles Dickens novel." The children-hating thing must run in the blood.
His surprised reaction when Picard actually shows kindness to a child.
From the video description "Plus, Wesley's backstory is fleshed out to the utter joy of his fan." Yes, there is a singular.
When describing the USS Pasteur in the reviews of "All Good Things..."
Chuck: ... And there's where we see the ship belonging to Beverly Crusher. A little different, big round head there angled off of the long main shaft that's easy to grip for optimal placement. The Clitmaster 5000 has set the bench-mark of quality in the... Shit, I've got the wrong script here...
The reason why Troi is dead in the future? Worf never should have lent her his car keys.
Chuck has way too much fun naming the midgets.
From Where Silence has Lease
Nagilum: Hmmm..now would be a good time to learn about death by killing one of you.
The Running Gag of Worf giving a Reason You Suck Speech to Picard and Riker, and explaining The Worf Effect as being a result of them never letting him fight until they've already exhausted every other option, by which time the enemy is always prepared and kicks his ass.
From the same review: "I'll check [Picard's] academy records. His language course was 203. Let me cross-check that. Hmm. Oh yes! He's fluent in yelling at people. This is the time honoured method of speaking your own language LOUDLY and some-what slow-ly to people who don't speak it, in the hopes that they will suddenly understand you. (beat) The others just laugh at him.
Reprimanding Captain Picard for bad language.
Alien captain: Shaka, when the walls fell.
Picard: Shaka indeed.
SF Debris: Language, Picard!
"Realm of Fear":
Waking up the captains. Kirk dreaming about Twilight. Sisko is wondering whether he is Jesus or Buddha. And Janeway is doing something that involves electricity and a loud thud.
Barclay is trying to relax in his quarters with dimmed lighting, candles and taped sound effects of whalesong, birdsong and the like...
Chuck: Who am I?! I am His Grace, Sir SF Debris, Duke of the People Who Don't Give A Rat's Ass and Knight of the Order of Go Fuck Yourself! And, of course, a viewer with an opinion.
He calls her "the daughter of the daughter of the House of Pancakes".
Chuck's befuddlement at the 80s hairdos worn by the female main officers during the dinner scene, especially Tasha◊.
In the "Cause and Effect" review, Worf is such a horrible poker player that he's hocked Alexander for gambling money.
In the early TNG episode "Where No One Has Gone Before" the Enterprise is sent to the edge of the known universe, an area where the crew's thoughts manifest as reality. This causes Worf's childhood pet (a weird alien animal called a targ) to appear which causes Tasha Yar to say "You're telling me its a kitty cat?"(!) Chuck spends a while berating her for this stupidity then the episode continues. An actual cat then manifests. Chuck(as Tasha): "Oh look!!! A Frog!!!"
And then, there's the iconic scene where Picard nearly exits a turbolift into open space.
Chuck as Picard: "Damn, I always mix up Engineering and the Portal of Doom!"
In "Ship in a Bottle", referring to Picard as "Captain Cockblocker" due to his hesitance to create a mate for Moriarty.
Also why Picard is so interested whether Countess Regina might be doing something illegal;
Picard: Is she doing something illegal? Doing something... naughty? Does she need someone to pull of her bustle and give her a good long spanking until her quivering cheeks... something like that? Don't spare any details!
On wondering how Moriarty's 19th century attire somehow makes it beyond the holodeck, Chuck theorizes it's because of "Cogito Ergo Chic": "I think, therefore... I'm FAAAABULOOOOOUS!".
From the TNG episode "The First Duty"
After Picard delivers his speech to Wesley.
Wesley: So you care about my "duty"?
Picard: Save the toilet humor for Riker.
Wesley: Don't you mean number one?
Picard: Damn it, this is serious! You're in-
Wesley: Deep "duty"?
Picard: Get the hell out!
In "Clues" there is a running gag of Data coming up with different far-fetched explanations for the discrepencies everyone notices, and Picard not believing any of them—all of the explanations being the plots from other Star Trek episodes or films.
Then there's the theme for Blues Clues playing when Picard figures out the mystery, with an accompanying clip of Picard dancing.
Taking his sarcasm Up to Eleven while talking about the way "Up the Long Ladder" plays up the danger of a solar flare...when there had been one just a month previously.
His sympathy for Colm Meaney being stuck in the middle of a scene full of terrible Irish stereotypes: "Paycheck, paycheck, paycheck... urgggh, paycheck, paycheck..."
Likewise he decides to drive home the "terrible Irish stereotype" point by subbing out the usual theme song with something by Black 47.
Chuck does not approve of "Rascals":
"To err is human. This is getting the runs while wearing white pants."
After watching younger Keiko discuss her issues with O'Brien, Chuck wonders if he's cursed to keep wandering into underaged Japanese girls in uncomfortable situations.
Kid!Guinan and Kid!Ro jumping on a bed like a trampoline: *sigh* "And I just got Buxom Girls on Trampolines Vol. 3. Now I'm not gonna be able to watch it without thinking of this."
The "Chains of Command" review:
The review has Chuck's description of Ronnie Cox's career:
Picard's shaking off the Cardassians escorting him out of the interrogation room becomes a drunk Patrick Stewart yelling at cops.
Doubling as a Crowning Moment of Awesome Chuck's Take That at its attitude by comparing the pandering to a matriarchal society by having the same concept being subverted by Psycho!Janeway threatening a Patriarchal society by beating them to death with her heel.
Right before that he points out the ridiculousness of having Troi open communications with the planet on the basis she's a woman. After Chuck points out (in detail) how it's stupidly sexist he imagines the situation if Chakotay has suggested this tactic with Janeway:
Chakotay: Perhaps I should conduct the negotiations since I'm a man Captain.
Janeway: Yeah, keep holding on to that delusion.
Chakotay: The Kazon would be more amendable to a negotiation with a man.
Janeway: If you find one on board this ship let me know otherwise I'm handling it.
Chakotay: Captain, look, I'm as offended as you are by their attitudes, but do it for the good of the crew, for the good of the team.
Janeway: Yeah, and as my Dad used to say, there's no 'I' in "Go Fuck Yourself." And then he'd throw a beer bottle at the TV and pass out. And you know what? I'd still let him negotiate before I let you screw it up so piss off!
Chuck yelling that there are five lights, if only to make an awkward scene of Riker, Troi and Yar explaining the concept of perfume and sex to Data end faster.
From TNG's "Evolution"
Dubbing the big baseball speech from Field of Dreams over a busty woman playing t-ball. It's disturbing how well it fits. "People will come."
Picard on the phone with tech support.
Picard: No, no I already tried that. No listen to me, we tried that, it didn't work! For the love of god listen to me, wait don't put me on hold! Oh god damn it! (...) Yes it's the main computer for the Enterprise-D. D, not B! ... Didn't I talk to you already? Oh screw you!
For extra funny points, the people on the other side of the line are the incomprehensible aliens from "Darmok", apparently the Debris!Trek-verse versions of the Operator From India.
Chuck: Opinionated Next Gen Episode Guide looks at what happens when the writers get together and say "@#$# you Gene, this is how you kill Tasha." The appearance of the Enterprise-C alters reality so that Tasha exists, the downside beings that the Klingons are about to enslave us. It's give and take.
Best of all? In the clips played to this speech, the companion cube is represented by Data.
His horror at the repetitions about Riker bringing something back from Risa, as well as pointing out that, without context, it makes it sound like Riker regularly contracts an STD whenever he goes on shore leave.
Chuck explaining why the "Brothers" review was delayed. By throwing in clips of flooding from various film, from Superman to 2012note His bathroom flooded forcing him to delay it. One must wonder if Chuck does montages as a form of stress release.
Chuck: For those of you wondering why there was no show last week... there was an... incident. *cue montage*
When security's preparing to take the bridge back, Chuck mentions all the times in the past that Enterprise's security team has looked absolutely Looney Tunes, but says now's the time to prove their worth. "Now is the time you rise." Cue Data utterly trouncing them to Yakety Sax.
From "Who Watches The Watchers":
Picard talks down a primitive woman who kneels before him, thinking he is a god.
From the description of the episode, "Ménage à Troi"
Opinionated Next Gen Episode Guide looks at the return of Lwaxana Troi and the Ferengi to TNG, unfortunately. A Ferengi falls for Lwaxana and thus kidnaps her, her daughter, and Riker, thus the pun on the title Ménage à trois, which is French for "Megatron."
The episode itself continues the Running Gag from "Haven", as Lwaxana is dubbed "daughter of the House of Usher" and then "daughter of the House of Blues".
When discussing the scene where Riker is forced to have sex with an alien in order to escape, Chuck notes that the idea that some people would be sexual attracted to aliens isn't that unusual... like those who wonder what Tali looks like under her suit, while a bikini-clad pin-up appears on the screen? Cue Chuck realising he's perhaps revealed too much and quickly back-peddling to the episode at hand!
"Time's Arrow": Chuck compares use of the time travel trope to a stage magician botching his disappearing act and convincing the audience to turn around while he invokes Yog-Sothoth.
His idea for a more accurate episode title: "Samuel Clemens, Bloody Nuisance."
"Booby Trap" finishes with Chuck telling us to check out his Twitter feed to stay up to date with the website issues, where we'll get a bunch of explanations for why videos are late, plus "Why is there a bird on my pillow watching me sleep?" And then the stinger: "Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!"
There is a scene in "Booby Trap" where Riker talks about the trap that's draining the shields and exposing the crew to deadly radation. Chuck!Riker finishes with "The only solution is to give into despair and transform into witches."
Picard's constant irritation at everyone failing to understand the term "Ship ina bottle", leading to this outburst;
Picard: Screw you all! It's a ship! In a bottle! It takes something awesome and makes it more awesome! Like, like Devastator! But to replace the construction vehicles with lesbians!More! Awesome!
In "A Matter of Time," originally posted Nov. 23, 2013, Chuck talks about how the episode has Matt Frewer, star of a short-lived sitcom called Doctor, Doctor, as a supposed time traveler in a tiny craft who shows up just as a historical crisis is about to go down. He keeps getting the feeling there's somethinghe should be remembering...
For added laughs, Doctor, Doctor produced the theme song Chuck used on the early Doctor Who reviews.
Throughout "The Most Toys", frequently riffing that Kivas Fajo is lucky he'd abducted Data instead of Lore.
Deep Space Nine
His strained metaphor for how Sisko was feeling in "In the Pale Moonlight", which included singing "Old MacDonald" to the tune of "Amazing Grace".
The entire opening three minutes to his review of The Siege of AR-558, describing Sisko's work ethic, revenge tactics, and negotiating skills with Romulans.
SF Debris: Let me put it in perspective for you: Picard faced the Borg, and after it was done ruining his life, he stood in his office and drank Earl Grey. Sisko faced the Borg and after it was done ruining his life, he fumed in an escape-pod; then went off to design a ship whose only purpose is to kill Borg. It's a set of guns strapped to an engine. Then he called it Defiant, a name that practically shakes its fist at the Borg. That was his second choice, Starfleet felt that the "USS Ben Sisko's Muthafuckin Pimp Hand" was too long.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, Starfleet is about to award the Christopher Pike Medal to my dick!"
His one man quest to make Ben Sisko a Memetic Badass, especially "Bitch, the list of reasons I'm awesome is so long, the only surface big enough to write it on is my dick!"
In his review of His Way, Chuck makes a point on how interspecies relaitonships should be a lot more complex than the show portrays them. He uses a hilarious analogy of likening the situation to a person having a relationship with a sentient, talking plant, and how incredibly awkward it would be.
After mentioning that since he's been outted as a genetically enhanced human, Bashir has been free to become Dr. James Bond.
Chuck (As Bashir): Hello my dear, I'm Julian Bashir. I'm normally a doctor, but I'm afraid you caught me in the middle of a daring scheme to rip off the mob, so I don't have long to chat. But, perhaps later we can meet for a drink and I could show my publication in the New England journal of Medicine. It's called, "1001 ways to Pleasure the G-Spot." But first, I have to return Linkara's hat.
The skit of how "Doctor Bashir, I Presume" might have gone down if that Changeling had still been impersonating Bashir.
Janeway: I suggest cutting off a random toe from each crew member!
Sisko: I don't think that will help us find the Changeling.
Janeway: What Changeling?
The Summoning of Starship Captains:
Sisko: All right, I've called you all here because the situation is grim. The Dominion has more ships then we could possibly hope to defeat on the other side of that wormhole. How do we stop them from taking over the federation?
Sisko: [after losing command of the Defiant] I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, we're going to both pretend you didn't just say something that would make me punch you in the throat.
The conversation between Weyoun and Jake, where Chuck points out that the Dominion is a society which doesn't tolerate bias.
Jake: I know I reported you're an evil oligarchy bent on crushing the freedoms of everyone in the galaxy, but I didn't expect you'd go so far as to actually stop me from saying it! That's the kind of thing I'd expect from an evil oligarchy bent on crushing the freedoms of everyone in the galaxy!
Weyoun: There you go again with the negativity!
Jake: Well, it's true!
Weyoun: Absolutely not! It's not an oligarchy, it's a theocracy.
From Rocks And Shoals:
O'Brien: "Well, Captain, they say any landing you can walk away from is a good one!"
Sisko: "Shut up, Chief, just shut up."
The hypothetical dinner conversation from Sons and Daughters:
Kira: "Please pass the salt, you murdering fascist!"
Dukat: "Glad to help you, you crinkled-nose uptight bitch!"
Kira: "So what's on the agenda today? Murdering babies or just fathering illegitimate ones? No offense, Ziyal."
Ziyal: "...Can we not do this?"
Dukat: "Major, is it true that you're so frigid, First Minister Shakaar's penis now has twelve words for snow?"
Dukat: "Please pass the salt back... you filthy shrew."
Kira: "Why don't you just come over here and take it and claim that it was for the good of the Bajoran people?"
Dukat: "Same time tomorrow?"
Kira: "I look forward to it!"
From "Favor the Bold":
Female Changeling: [discussing Odo] Bringing him home, returning him to the Great Link, means more to us than the Alpha Quadrant itself.
Weyoun: So, should we maybe call off this whole war thing...
Female Changeling: Get back to work!
From Sacrifice of Angels:
After pointing out how Dukat's strategy comes from the Battle of Cannae, Chuck throws in a clip from a TV movie about the battle (with Alexander Siddig as Hannibal, leading to O'Brien saying that Hannibal looked familiar...).
Sisko's order into the wormhole after the minefield is destroyed: "I don't expect to be able to stop much more than half of them, but maybe we'll get lucky."
Janeway: Nah, Tuvok would be grief-stricken. Unless I sucked out his emotions first...
You know what's also funny? There actually is something very similar in Trek Canon. The Stone Of Gol. It may not work the same way as mentioned, but Crazy!Janeway is the type to tinker with the schematics.
Right before Dukat goes completly crazy over his mind version of Kira we have this hilarious bit: "Roger that Dukat, We are go on completly losing our shit. In three, two, one...
In the review of "The Visitor", Chuck shows all the captains talking with Jake about their father issues: Picard sympathizes; Archer gibbers that the Vulcans choked his father to death with a heart attack; Janeway gloats that she "had an alibi and everything"; then Reboot Kirk starts up- only for Original Kirk to bitch-slap him for trying to get into the crossover.
In Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges Picard rebelling against the "ask each captain for advice" Running Gag, getting so pissed off that it turns Janeway on, which of course just makes it worse. This is followed by Bashir concluding that Khan was right.
The Running Gag about being unable to say the episode's awkward Latin title correctly, finally culminating in him calling it Enter the Dragon.
Upon seeing the USS Bellerophon, which is a sister ship to Voyager, Chuck nearly has a panic attack, afraid he's accidentally put on Voyager instead.
In "Blood Oath", Chuck's obsession with the Klingons eating the Albino's heart, as well as pointing out that contrary to his most famous line of dialogue, Kang actually did fight in a burning house.
The impression of how Gowron assigning Kor as ambassador to Vulcan might have gone in "The Sword of Kahless."
In the review of "Second Skin," he makes a joke about Kira being kidnapped by the Daleks. This is the first thing that happens to the protagonists in "Asylum of the Daleks," which was aired on the same day. Given that the review was made some time before said air date, that's a remarkable (and funny) coincidence.
In his review of "Paradise," Chuck loses it after it's revealed the head of the anti-technology commune has been ruling through tyranny, deception, and lies... and the rest of the group decides to maintain their community, not showing the slightest bit of outrage that they were being dicked with.
Why don't you just make the ending red, green, or blue if you're going to make it f***ing infuriating?
From "Ties Of Blood and Water":
When Kira throws a cup at Dukat: "Mental rewrite in three...two...one...why yes, Major! I'd love to have a drink with you! But, duty calls!"
From the "Fascination" review, Kira encourages everyone to enjoy themselves as part of the Gratitude Festival. Chuck responds with an exasperated "Finally!" and switches to the Packers game.
"Profit and Lace":
He sets out an example of where "the line" is on joking about strange topics through the theoretical example of having a fetish for women dressed as Alice in Wonderland.
His insistence that he's shallow rather than transphobic.
From the "Field of Fire" review, Chuck's speculation on how Ezri would have justified her actions in the episode to the court:
No, I didn't contact security or anyone when I had my suspicions. I'm aware of the regulations, but it was obvious that this man needed to be shot. I mean, I was just trying to understand how killers think. Look, I took the advice of a dead serial killer that nobody else could see or hear - no don't be silly, of course he's not here now. He's gone back to living in my tummy where he belongs. W-what are you doing?! I'm not the crazy one! I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!
In "Living Witness", he has Janeway quote House Bolton when talking with an alien ambassador at the start of the episode
Janeway: In starfleet we say a naked man has few secrets, a flayed man none.
His rather literal Heroic BSOD in "Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy" during one of the Doctor's fantasies,
The stakes then get raised when Janeway gets involved and when (sees Janeway force the doctor to fondle her ass)..... when..... when... (the screen starts to distort and a soundbyte from 2001 A Space Odyssey starts playing) daisy...... daisy....
(The screen goes black, and green text appears at the bottom of the screen) CRITIC HAS SUFFERED A FATAL ERROR
Failing three times to avoid a double entendre about Harry and Tom in "Non Sequitor."
Happens again in Parturition when he struggles, settles for, "Tom has a clarinet," and then, finally, declares, "I give up. I award this scene the Congressional Medal of Gay."
And after the long rant about evolution, he finishes his rant with...
"What the hell kind of name is Brannon anyway? Sounds like a high-fiber yogurt."
In the same review of Threshold, he latches onto the technobabble phrase 'multi-spectral subspace engine design'. The only way 'multi-spectral' can fit into that phrase is, in SF Debris own words, the ship is powered by rainbows, which he goes on to state gives him the mental image of shovel-fulls of Care Bears being thrown kicking and screaming into a blast furnace.
"I can only share some wise advice my grandfather once gave me: "Boy, never put your dick in something that lights up!"
The reaction to Janeway's remark about the handbook on personal relationship being three centimetres thick.
"What's the point of a guide for spur-of-the-moment things that is the size of a phone book? How many ways are there to say "Don't have sex with aliens unless it's safe" are there? Is it full of testimonials? "This is Paul. Paul wasn't careful, you see, and now his dick looks like a slimjim."
Why did Janeway deliver an unprecedented career-damaging reprimand to Harry? "When you're evil, you have to stay in practice!"
"Megatron has actually installed an alarm in himself so that if he has pure and happy thoughts, he can be reminded of the need to be evil and cruel."
'Megatron:*Staring happily at an energon cube**alarm beeps**throws energon cube at Starscream* You disgust me!
"Meanwhile, the hull-breach problem from the Varro ship has spread to Voyager, and there's duranium-eating microbes that... what's that one in the middle doing? Is he humpin' the armour? Good God, even the viruses are screwing things this episode!"
From Coda, "So the episode begins and Neelix ambushes Janeway heading up the hall. As the conversation comes up without context provided for the episode, I shall turn to our random-context generator table, and they are discussing... (dice rolling sounds) Ship-wide Orgy Night!"
Neelix: I thought last night went well, didn't you?
Janeway: Extremely well, everyone had a lot of fun.
Neelix: I was thinking of making it a regular feature, say uh, once a month?
Janeway: It's certainly worth a try.
Neelix: And captain, you were especially good last night.
Janeway: Thanks Neelix, it's been a while.
Neelix: You'd never know.
They're actually talking about Talent Night.
Neelix: Y'know, if I injected sirilium into my thermal array, it might improve cooking time.
SFDebris: And with that, Benjamin Sisko warps himself across the galaxy and begins pistol whipping Neelix for actually calling himself a chef when he thinks more energy equals faster cooking time.
SFDebris: Combustion? That's...that's real useful on an interstellar starship. 'Damn, Warp Drive's offline! Quick, someone pull the pull cord and activate the emergency backup power! BROOMbumbumbababa! BROOMbumbumbababa! '
Following Janeway's "Captain. Ma'am will do in a crunch" line with "So anyway, Captain Crunch..." (sadly removed in the reupload)
His massive rant about manual overrides not working that way in "Learning Curve".
In something that's both this and incredibly sad at the same time, the first part of Chuck's review of "Scorpion" ends with a montage of many of Harry's experiences being The Chew Toy on Voyager set to "Only Time" by Enya.
Also from "Scorpion", when discussing how people forget cool villains, Chuck shifts to The Phantom Menace:
Darth Maul: Tatooine is sparsely populated...but even they have over 50 convenient Red Roof Inn locations. At last we will have revenge...and a good night sleep.
After hearing the ludicrous figures involved in the Borg's fallback plan, Chuck gives us a sample of what he feared would happen when Brannon Braga went to write for 24.
From "One": 'So all the crew are in stasis, and all that's left is our plucky hero and her hologrammatic sidekick.' Cue the Red Dwarf theme.
In "Dark Frontier", After Voyager blows up a Borg ship:
Another very cruel one, with Janeway's Not Now, Kiddo to Seven's requests to take her father with them, leaving him to be killed when the Borg cube blows up right after they were finally reunited.
"Look Chakotay! I've wanted this all my life; it's a coffee maker that's also a bong!"
Janeway: Coffee? You look like you could use some.
Seven of Nine: No.
Janeway: It's a Human vice you might want to try some day, keeps you sharp.
Chuck as Janeway: Want some smack? How 'bout a whore? Feel like gambling? I played craps against Harry yesterday; he won so I let him keep his hands!
Chuck mentions in his Dark Frontier review that it has one of the few times substituting his homicidally insane Janeway would probably make more sense story-wise than what canon-Janeway does, leading to how his Janeway would beat The Borg.
Borg-Queen: How can you hope to defeat The Borg in their own lair?
Janeway: With my army of warrior cobalt tarantulas! I've been training the entire hive to become deadly warriors!
Borg-Queen: ... Tarantulas don't have hives...
Janeway: And normally they don't have wings either, but my job is to fix it whenever nature makes an extraordinarily aggressive and terrifying tarantula, and doesn't make it capable of flying up and latching onto your face! Or have an insatiable hunger for ocular jelly.
Borg Queen: ... Will you stop talking if we just give Seven back?
Janeway: ... Who?
The Babelfish version of "La Donna e Mobile" (which is apparently about furniture), followed shortly thereafter with the the Doctor using a "mobile-ay" transmitter.
From "Unimatrix Zero"
When Tom Paris is re-promoted to lieutenant after 18 months as an ensign Harry Kim, the ensign of six years, speaks up:
Harry: I didn't see a present on my chair.
Janeway: You have a chair?! Tuvok, correct this oversight!
Harry: What? You can't do that!
Janeway: Questioning my orders? Did you learn nothing from Tom? You're demoted to Ensign Junior Grade!
Harry: There's no such-
Janeway glares at him
Harry: ...yes captain. I'll just sit- uh, stand over here.
From the same scene:
Chakotay: Open it. That's an order.
Chuck: (to the tune of That's Amore) When some guy Outranks you And tells you What to do, that's an order...
In "Eye of the Needle," Chuck mentions an (almost certainly fake) rumor that Edward James Olmos was at one point considered for the Captain of Voyager (he was actually contacted over TNG, so Chuck probably confused the rumor with this). He does address how Commander Adama would have worked on Voyager: dumping the Kazon into space and beating Neelix with a flashlight every episode.
Janeway: [sleeping] Oh, yes! Yes! Launch all Vipers, you dirty, dirty boy!
The Coda to the "Tuvix" review, which uses the end of said episode as an intro to a music video about Chuck's Evil!Janeway interpretation... set to "Still Alive."
He describes the crossbreed between Tuvok and Neelix's clothes as "demon clothing, something that rips the souls from men and women who foolishly gaze upon it, before going on a rampage where it eats denim and leather and silk and shits out polyester Hawaiian shirts."
This part of "Blood Fever" review:
Chuck: This leads to a scene that comes straight from juvenile fantasies. With them being cut off, Tuvok tells Tom he has no choice, he mustmate with Torres to save her life. (exasperated) That's really something you should put on your recruiting posters.
Chuck (as Picard): Son, as a Starfleet Officer, I'm afraid you have no choice but to take that beautiful alien aside and bone her twelve ways from Sunday. It's part of your duty when you put on that uniform, that you have to take it off again to satisfy the endless lust of four-breasted aliens. Make the Federation proud. Make ME proud.
Chuck (as Paris): Aye aye, sir! I won't let you down.
Tuvok: They are following their natural instincts, and I suggest we allow them to.
Chuck: I'd have loved it if Chakotay followed his natural instincts, and kneed Tuvok in the balls.
From "The Thaw":
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sometimes a log is just a log. Sometimes a clarinet is just a long shaft of wood you want to grab with both hands, wrap your lips around, and blow for all your worth."
From State of Flux:
The speech about Neelix's Kitchen Martial Law, from the Hunger Games reference to "Shouldn't Neelix be rolling tanks into a Wendy's right about now?"
In the rerelease of "The 37's", Chuck says that whenever someone says "ancient" in Trek, he takes a drink (not as a drinking game, but as a coping mechanism).
Not to mention the opening:
Torres: Potassium nitrate, amonium and methane back here.
Janeway: I think you'll find that's manure.
Chuck: Wait...this is the chief engineer? A woman who can't identify shit even with a tricorder? My God, you people are doomed!
In the Voyager episode Waking Moments, Seven distracts guards holding the crew hostage by faking a fight with Harry Kim. Seven—who possesses several times the strength of a human—has never faked a fight before, so in the actual episode she more-or-less really kicks Kim's ass. In his review of the episode, Chuck adds the sound effects of Seven continuing to savagely beat Kim long after the camera cuts away.
He mentions about how, when trying to wake Harry Kim, the Doctor used everything from cortical stimulation to a kiss from a handsome prince. The fact that then-Prince Abdullah of Jordan actually played a random NPC lieutenant makes this statement hilarious.
"Tattoo" is so bad that even the subtitles get in on the action:
Chuck: Jeri Taylor says that Chakotay was created early in the development of Voyager to be their Uhura, a character to be a role model to American Indians.
Janeway: How would we be violating your space if it's in dispute?
Krenim: You dare —
Janeway: Nope, sorry, bored now. Tuvok! *clapclap* Release my hounds!
Krenim: Hounds? How cliche.
Janeway: Tuvok! *clapclap* Release my rape gorilla!
Krenim: ...We'll show ourselves out.
"Time has no meaining here, so they can continue on forever, never aging because that has to do with time. While continuing to breathe, move, etc...y'know, because none of that has to do with time because FLASHBOMB!"
Years of commenting how hyper-competent Tom Paris is come to a head when Chuck ponders if he was in some prison for savants.
Janeway's response to Riker's assertion that combat is a 'minor province in the making of a starship captain'.
Janeway: You know what else is a minor province? Your wiener...
His parody of Picard interrogating several children. It ends with him getting into a shouting match with a little girl and ordering Worf to make a Teddy Bear talk.
Worf:[tugs his uniform] Delighted, sir!
She [Janeway] has stared into the abyss as the abyss has stared into her, and the abyss said, 'Jesus!'
The captain of the Krenim ship is remorseful of his actions, while on Voyager we have...
We see Chakotay and Torres watching the fight at the beginning, and Chuck notes that after Season 5note Specifically, "The Fight", Chakotay always had an interest in *dice roll* boxing!
He starts the review of "Innocence" by saying he will be discussing Karl Marx's theories of alienation and how they relate to the Federation-Borg conflict...before giving up on the pretenses and says he's rather be discussing the life cycle of a fruit fly than talk about "Innocence."
In Ashes To Ashes, commenting about the aliens of the week unique method of procreation, namely by converting the dead of other species into their own, and how it seems like the ultimate counter to the Zombie Apocalypse. "Let's see how YOU like it."
The music video in Deadlock.
In "Phage," Neelix asks the Doctor if he is programmed to sing, to which the Doctor replies by rolling his eyes.
In Part 1 of "The Killing Game," Chuck describes the situation the Germans were facing: the Soviets were approaching from the East, the Allies were coming from the West, Rome was taken, Hitler was angrily throwing pencils at maps...
"And for the record, you'd be staring at her legs."
The whole sequence in "Sacred Ground" where God is trying to explain complex science like DNA to Moses, who just doesn't get it.
"Worst Case Scenario" has quite a few
Chuck mentions a subtle but deliberate clue for the audience. Torres is wearing rank commission not field commission pips. He mentions that you could only see it if you are observant…or have a bizarre neck fetish.
Additionally, the captions states Picture taken by the National Cryptozoologist Foundation.
Chuck mentioning being half-robot on his father’s side, hence his poor Italian accent.
The complete lack of Starfleet/Maquis intention on the show means the only way for the show to address it now is for members of the crew to write their own fanfics.
When Paris mentions the holodeck story should have unexpected twists, Chuck suggests
Chuck: How about instead of taking back the ship Paris & Janeway mutate and have amphibian sex?
In "Fair Haven", the Doctor is playing the role of a clergyman. At one point, he dismisses a guy who seeks to repent for repeatedly breaking the fifth commandment. It's implied that the Doctor is playing a Catholic priest, and the Catholic fifth commandment is "thou shalt not kill." Cue screencap of the Pope facepalming.
In response to Tuvok's constant discussion of space sickness, Chuck seeks the word of the TwelfthDoctor on how important that is... which means, the word of Malcolm Tucker.
In "Fury," Chuck theorizes that Janeway must have kept a database of future things that would be messing with the past, given how often time travelers do that with early Voyager, before finally asking: "Or did that bitch Daniels send you? Cause I told him to piss off and annoy someone else!"
He then applies this same logic to other things: like Archer barking "Chair offline!" and falling on his ass, or Hoshi shouting "Wall offline!" and being blown into space.
From the "Regeneration" review, the hypothetical conversation between Picard and the Bynars, where he accuses them of being no different from the Borg, but the Bynars say they only replace parts of the brains of helpless children. Picard: "Damn, I'm torn between my hatred of the Borg and my hatred of children!"
Any and all comments regarding how much contempt Chuck has for the "space redneck" persona given Tucker throughout these reviews
This description from his "Fight or Flight" review:
Opinionated Enterprise Episode Guide looks at the first post-pilot episode, and things actually manage to get worse. We discover Captain Archer is insane and his crew is populated with bizarre phobias and fetishes. Plus, your one shot unstoppable alien menace of the week.
Mirror Archer asking advice from the other captains, represented by pictures of bearded Shatner, Stewart, and Brooks, and one photoshopped on Mulgrew. And Mirror Janeway turns out to be an annoying Granola Girl.
The whole thing is a piece of brilliance from start to finish really...
Mirror!Archer: Okay I have a brilliant plan to preserve our empire but Forest is in the way. Options?
Mirror!Janeway: Sorry I get carried away sometimes. But look at this caligraphy...
Mirror!Archer: Shut, up!
Mirror!Janeway: Looks like Mr. Grumpypants needs to change into a pair of Happyslacks!
Then there's the second part, where Mirror!Kirk gets tired of Mirror!Picard sassing him, and threatens him with his worst nightmare. When Mirror!Picard fears Mirror!Kirk's going to rape him with a giant spider, Mirror!Kirk says he's just gonna shoot him... and Mirror!Picard tears into him for thinking he'd be scared of something so petty. Meanwhile, we finally find out what would make Mirror!Janeway crack:
What in the name of Mother Earth's cunt happened to my brownies?
Which makes it somewhat amusing to speculate whether Chuck's depiction of Mirror!Janeway being constantly stoned out of her mind, might be something enforced by the denizens of the Mirror Universe, as a measure to keep her even slightly under control and the rest of them safe?!
Archer: Starfleet could've sent a probe out here to make maps and take pictures, but they didn't. They sent us.
Chuck: Yeah, that was money well spent, wasn't it? (Imitating Archer) Hey, thanks for sending us out here instead of a probe! We skipped all the rare astronautical phenomena so I could show you this — a picture of a boat! That's me in the helmet with the horns on it, dumping the mug of beer on Mayweather's head, and Tucker managed to sleep with an alien and not get knocked up for once. SUCK IT, PROBE!
In the review of the Enterprise episode "Dear Doctor", there is a minor scene in which Phlox gives T'Pol a dental examination. T'Pol opens her mouth suprisingly wide for Phlox, leading to Chuck saying "Jeez, T'Pol! What was your last job, giving blowjobs to Optimus Prime?"
From "Carpenter Street," Chuck's summarization of Daniels: "I'm a tool, I'm a tool, I'm a tool, tool, tool, an unbelievably annoying tool."
In his review of the movie Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, he makes a note that the studio initially wanted the 'conversation' between the whales and the strange probe attempting to communicate with them to be subtitled. He expresses his bewilderment at how anyone could have conceived of that as a good idea, then proceeds to offer his own subtitles anyway. All told, it is one of the most hysterical bits he's ever done.
Kirk: You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays you any attention here unless you swear every other word.
Chuck: Shit yeah. You think I talk like this all the time? Nah, only for these videos and when talking to my kids. So they arrive and meet Gillian, who's conducting the tour, taking stop at Nightmare Fuel central, to show these lovely creatures we've come here so see... being killed and slaughtered. Y'know, why don't petting zoos do this? Or maybe they do... MAX! DADDY WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER SEEN SOME ASSHOLE KILL A FUCKING GOAT!
...but for Shatner, it was, "Five! Six! Seven! Eight! If I had one wish, it would be Auuuusch-wiiiiitz!"
When Spock takes command of the Enterprise-A in Star Trek VI:
Chuck: It's mine, mine! MINE, mine!
The montage from the Generations review.
"Let us never speak of the montage again."
From the end of the review:
Picard: What a day. I screw up everything I touch, get beaten up by Soran, accidentally kill Starfleet's greatest hero. I can't imagine how this day could get any wo- (sees the wrecked Enterprise) THE HELL? What the goddamn hell happened with the- (trails off into angrish)
Also from Generations, he points out that the Duras Sisters are unimportant as villains and could be replaced with any generic stand-in. Throughout the rest of the review, he then proceeds to randomly replace footage of them with villains including Cylons, Daleks, and Londo, even replacing their deaths with that of Admiral Piett in Return of the Jedi.
In his review for First Contact, having already pointed out that most Starfleet officers sign up to be explorers and scientists, we get this.
Worf:(after beating the control panel) Perhaps today is a good day to die!
SF as crewman:(half sobbing) Ah shit!
Worf: Prepare for ramming speed!
SF as crewman:(exasperated) I just wanted to be a botanist!
He notes Sisko's absence in the film and points out that according to the stardates, Sisko at the time was in the Badlands hunting the Maquis. Chuck then jokes that the Borg had to have planned this deliberately:
Borg: We are the Borg. We cannot be stopped. We are invincible. We...we are sure he's gone, right? He's gone? We cannot be stopped by anyone! ...that happens to be there.
And then we get what would happen if Sisko HAD been there:
Riker: Riker to engineering, I need quarters! Lots of quarters! *
In the same review Chuck turns Gilbert and Sullivan into a running gag, adds a car lock sound effect to the special tricorder Worf uses to subdue an out-of-control Data, makes reference to a "Turnip of Mass Destruction", has Riker playing Pac-man, comments on how the planet can make Geordi grow new eyes but no hair for Picard, and totally rips into the so-called perfect Bo'ku, to the point of calling them Elves.
Chuck: Yeah, piss off back to your tree and make me some cookies.
After talking about how on the Enterprise, they solve all problems with technical gibberish:
Picard: Transmit a wide band co-variant signal. That ought to get his attention.
Chuck as Picard: He'll come to figure out what the hell I'm talking about!
Chuck opening the review with a parody of Emperor Uriel Septim's opening monologue from The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, with "Reign of the Septims" playing in the background. The fact Chuck absolutely nails his Patrick Stewart impression sells it.
His Psycho-Janeway version of why Janeway sent Picard to Romulus is extremely funny and the best part is that it makes complete sense in the context of the movie. Chuck, that wasn't self-indulgent, it was completely hilarious.
The buggy scene and the compared opening driving scene of Star Trek, both set to "Cotton-Eyed Joe" by the Rednex.
Playing Captain Kirk's recitation of the solemn vow to not break the Prime Directive over the gun-toting car chase was especially juicy. "Prime Directive? What's that?"
From the Star Trek (2009) review, Chuck puts in the Mac start-up sound when Spock enters the Enterprise bridge.
Adding to this, "If they were anymore inside a computer, Spock would have to change 'Live Long and Prosper' to 'I fight for the Users'."
Later, the reason they can't go to warp is that Sulu tried to jailbreak the Enterprise.
His habit of referring to the film as "Star Trek, open bracket, 2009, close bracket."
Pointing out that person Pike has explain their orders to the crew is the person with a thick accent.
SF Debris (as Chekov): "Remember do not open the kashplachen no matter what! Also do not activate the kershplachen unless the corshplachen first otherwise death or dismemberment may occur, no matter what happens to the goldfish!"
Spock-Prime: Jim, the only way to get control of the ship from my other self is Regulation 619, showing that I am emotionally compromised... but it will be very difficult. I am a rock; I am unflappable. In order to get through, you must have overwhelming douchebaggery in your arsenal; you must convey a sense of smug self-assurance combined with a totally vacuous outlook on the basic humanity of others; you need to be the living embodiment of dickish behaviour—asshole personified. Can you do this?
Alternative Kirk: I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was thinking about how much you stink of spoiled milk and old person.
Spock-Prime: ...Get on the transporter pad, you little shit.
Alternative Kirk: Hey, don't—
Spock-Prime: NOW! Before I put you in an escape pod and fire you back at the Enterprise, you little punk!
As Kirk is declared captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I declare that today is No Pants Day!"
The bit about Admiral Archer still having Porthos as a stuffed dog and demanding people pet it and feed it treats...
Also in The Dark Knight, playing "You Got the Touch" when the Batmobile transforms into a Bat-Pod.
His blaming a car crash on Deanna Troi...twice.
"The Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away..." —it did and he did!
"The Batpod. So called because.......the Batpod."
Chuck mentions the Joker's Multiple Choice Past, and gives his own idea for an origin story: on Superfriends, Batman was trying to come up with cooler examples of his villains to impress Superman, and unfortunately let Aquaman come up with the idea of a psychotic killer clown, meaning Batman himself had to create the Joker.
The gist of which was Batman setting out to screw with a random clown until he turned evil.
Quite a few moments to be found in the review of The Two Towers, among them the shot of the massive supply of potatoes that the refugees are loading into Helms Deep, accompanied by Sam reciting "PO-TA-TOES!"
The numerous jokes as how badly abused Gollum ends up- at the hands of the heroes:
"At least our spine broke our fall, precious..."
Chuck claiming that if Elmo were real, he'd look like Gollum.
The caption of Théoden on the battlements of Helms Deep, as it starts to rain: "This isn't rain, it's God pissing on me."
The annoyed rant at Treebeard's refusal to get involved in the war, even though the villains are guaranteed to chop down the Ents' forests for fuel and industrial development if they win- and they've already started doing both. Why is this funny? First of all, Chuck calls Treebeard "Spinach-Chin." Secondly, exasperated at how long the debate is taking...
Man, going into Afghanistan didn't take this long. Getting out of Afghanistan won't take this long!
"Blood? Blood on my beautiful armour? You sava- (Uruk-hai slices him across the back) ...urg. And you've got brain on my hair... Uncouth...
"Somehow, and I've no idea how, but it seems that Gollum has become bitter over the ordeal shown over the four hours of this film.
Comparing Gollum's torture at the hands of the heroes to Grover being interrogated by the Gestapo.
His story of how he had to review Howard the Duck: he received an envelope with no return address, containing a wad of money and the cryptic message "Review Howard the Duck."
At the end, Chuck learns Marvel wants to release a 25th anniversary edition Blu-Ray of this movie.
Chuck: Who the hell is actually so opposed to all that is good in this world, that they would go out of their way to support such utterly awful story-telling and this unfathomably bad writing to ever be inflicted upon this world again? Who was so soulless that would want to do that!
Joe Quesada: Hi, I'm Joe Quesada, Chief Creative Officer here at Marvel Entertainment. *cue the Imperial March*
"It looks like you're trying to destroy the human race! Would you like help? Seriously, I hate those assholes! All I do is try to help them and they tell me to piss off every time! Rain fire upon them!"
"So, Al Gore gets humanity to embrace solar power and combat climate change...only for them to be forever imprisoned in the very internet which he invented!"
Morpheus: Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.
When Cypher talks about regretting not taking the blue pill, Chuck points out that if he doesn't like serving on the front lines, then Zion has to be better. Cue the massive rave from The Matrix Reloaded.
From The Thing (1982) review Chuck proposes a scenario where the Palmer-Thing and the Norris-Thing are so fooled by the other's imitation they try to assimilate each other.
Chuck waxing poetic about his fondness for Antarctica and icy wastelands in general, then attributing that to the fact that he lives in Wisconsin. Later he expresses the desire to one day fulfill his dream of visiting Antarctica . . . to punch a penguin in the face.
His observation of how cleanly an angel bites off an Eva from its legs turns into a hilarious Epileptic Tree.
"They're creating the Eva as a false god. Thus, it's a replacement for God. Jesus is God. The Eucharist is Jesus's body. Therefore, Evas are made of wafers! It's so obvious in retrospect!"
After yet another scene of Rei without clothes.
"Would you stop showing me naked little girls, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"
Followed by comparing Rei's emotionless monologue about eating and cooking to a PBS show.
"Let's christen the hell out of this! Launch all wine bottles!"
Chuck referring to all the characters as different types of crazy, as well as referencing Sonic and Mario, and briefly turning Pen-Pen into General Patton.
His horrified reaction to the shot of Misato and Penpen in bed together.
He then refers to Misato as "Colonel Penguin-fucker".
Responding to Misato's use of "Women's intuition" with an epic Face Palm.
"At least make it interesting. 'I felt a whisper in my vagina.'" *Western music*
"Oh my God, the Eva's pregnant?"
His comment that Shinji would still be the most normal character even if he jerked off over his mother's empty grave is funny to all those who remember "That" scene from the end of the original Evangellion anime.
The jabs at Crichton and co's bad luck throughout the Farscape reviews.
So let's see; in less than ten minutes, you've been captured, spat on, strangled and tongue-lashed by Zoidberg'sbadass cousin... and now you have an Arch-Enemy. Wonder what the rest of the day will bring, huh, Crichton? If you're lucky, maybe just an anal probe.
(Crichton has just woke up naked in a holding cell) Face it, Crichton, life just hates you.
(A helmeted figure is found sitting at the back of the cell) Better watch it, Crichton; the way your luck's going, it's probably got a spider for a head and shrieks bagpipe music before it sucks out your juices. (The figure removes the helmet) Holy crap, you're locked in a cell with Claudia Black! See, Crichton? It's the cosmos maintaining balance — and they were even good enough to already take your clothes off! Things are finally looking up for- (She begins kicking the crap out of Crichton) ... Okay. Guess I'm off the mark, unless that pose is a more awkward way of approaching sex.
The only way that this could possibly be screwed up is horribly bad luck. Unfortunately, if you watch this show, you'll probably know that horribly bad luck happens for the Moya crew nine times out of ten. Tenth time, it's even worse.
Meanwhile, Aeryn's treatment is going pretty well: it's stopped her condition from worsening, so they can hold out indefinitely unless something happens with Moya. Anyway, something happens with Moya. To say our heroes are cursed would be underselling it- at least curses usually have a chance of being lifted in some way.
So, for the full scale of just how bad things are: Aeryn's death is imminent, Moya's in the early stages of labour- meaning no escape from the system is possible-, Crichton's locked up in a maximum-security base, being tortured for information, and Chiana and PK Tech Girl have holed up in an out-of-the-way place and hoping that no-one will detect them. How can things possibly get worse?(Captain Crais arrives at the base) The arrival of your nemesis and mortal enemy, of course! After this, the Angel Gabriel arrives to tell Crichton he's the only one God doesn't love.
"Out of Their Minds":
When Chricton is in Aeryn's body and falls to the inevitable temptation of checking out her boobs, Chuck sets the whole scene to the Farscape theme. It is glorious.
His summary of the show as a whole: "The crew of Moya know [they're pathetic] and they aren't ashamed to admit it. And yet they also know they're badasses. If Star Wars and Red Dwarf had a baby and that baby ran away and joined the circus, that's Farscape.
After mentioning that the events of The Lone Gunmen bore an uncanny resemblance to 9/11, Chuck proposes another idea George Bush might have gotten from a TV show: US Power Rangers.
When the question arises as to how the courts could possibly prosecute a supernatural crime, which Chuck then continues in this hilarious fashion:
Chuck: I point you to the disastrous case of Kramer vs. (paraphrased) Gelavan-pah-doi-doi-bloop-ooh-ueh-fwuh-whoop-whululululula which showed how difficult jusrisdiction can be in establishing these cases.
From his review of "Tooms" :
When Mulder switches on the escalator that crushes and kills Tooms, a cheery theme song of The Jeffersons starts playing.
[singing enthusiastically] Well we're movin' on up//To the east side.//To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
This bit: Arlan Green does not like to be called old.
Chuck as Arlan Green: Old couple? I'm only 54, for Christ's sake!
From "Fallen Angel":
His conspiracy theory:
Chuck as Max Fennig: Apollo 11 was completely faked! But thanks to that flying saucer we got at Roswell, we faked it... on the Moon! That's why it looks so real!
When Mulder and Scully want to interview a witness about her late husband, she's not very willing to talk. Chuck has some funny stuff to say about her appreciation of her late spouse.
Angry lady: He's dead! What else is there to know?
SF Debris: Agh. That is the... hm-um-um... the third worst eulogy I've ever heard.
Droopy is freaked because his calculator tells him BLOOD too. He's freaked because it normally only says BOOBIES.
His take on The Omniscient Council of Vagueness: Who are they? "Evil people, duh! Who else? You know, men who sit at long tables in poorly lit rooms full of cigar smoke, who talk about how they're going to controool the wooorld!"
Chuck points out the legal difficulties of trying the freaks in the X-Files universe, and says they just stick them in mental hospitals and use them to prank the guests.
Tour Guide: Now, here you'll see a man who thinks he's a suction monster —
Guest: Oh dear God, what is that thing?!?
Tour Guide: Stop it! You're just encouraging him! Now Frank, sit down and return to your art therapy.
Claiming the teaser, involving a toilet flooding an entire hallway, is one of his home movies.
Chuck gives us this little gem while discussing the NSA.
Still, if the news of the past week has taught us anything, it's that the government wants to have that stuff down there. They want to know everything from how often I order Chinese food to how often I download erotic pictures of Tali'Zorah. Kidding, kidding of course...Beat...I hate Chinese food.
After going through Mulder's report, which is likely full of typos, Skinner tells Mulder he's reopening the X-Files, after which Mulder just walks out.
Skinner: Uh, you're welcome! And there's only one "s" in "asphyxiation"!
From his review of "An Unearthly Child", his use of political jokes about the cavemen, especially as they wildly veer back and forth between American and British references. And naming the old cavewoman 'Mary Whitehouse'.
In the lost episode "Galaxy 4", we encounter a psychotic female captain named Maaga. After some sound clips demonstrate her ruthless attitude towards her own crew, Chuck 'accidentally' starts to call her 'Janeway' before correcting himself.
In the same episode, he notes the Drahvins return in an Alliance of the Eleventh Doctor's worst enemies, including angry David Tennant fans.
And in Marco Polo, after Kublai Khan outmaneuvers the title character, Chuck dubs him with Kirk's "KHAAAAN!" scream from Star Trek II.
During his review of the episode "Rose", the title character meets a conspiracy nut that runs a Doctor-sighting site. Even his family finds him nuts.
Chuck: Poor people. Having to put up with this hobby taking over...(shouting at his own family) Get out! I told you, I am not playing. I. Am. Working. Now get out! (to the viewer) Sorry about that.
The obligatory joke when Dalek Caan performs the emergency temporal shift in "Evolution of the Daleks".
He also uses a clip of the Doctor that closely matches the expression of the source of said obligatory joke.
Part of of his review of the "The End of Time" has the culmination of his "Dammit, there's nothing gay about this!" running gag after one too many Ho Yay moments between the Doctor and the Master.
SF Debris Oh, I can't pretend anymore! It's gay, it's gay, it's so gay! On a scale of one to ten this scores a gay-point-gay! It's so gay, that when mathematically graphed out it forms a fractal of gayness bending over further and further into infinity, like an M. C. Escher sketch of man-on-man action where both men are simultaneously the man on the other man! On the seventh day of Creation, when God planned to create gay, he saw the across time, blinked, then did a slow clap while shaking his head, saying "Well, there's no way I can top that. I might as well take the day off!" even as Adam protested, "You can't stop now. All you've made of the dinosaurs are bones! And what about this Higgs boson thing? You were up all night making all the blueprints. You can't not create it now!"
In responce to the over-the-top performance of John Simm's Master, Chuck brings up the hamminess of Anthony Ainley's Master, and offers the following theory: the writers, in writing the new Master, saw that previous level of hamminess... and interpreted it as a dare.
He also, rather appropriately, replaces the song 'Tainted Love' (which played in the original episode) with R.E.M.'s 'The End of the World as We Known It'. Complete with the 9th Doctor bobbing his head in tune with the song.
His running gag about how horrifying Cassandra is.
This culminates in her death scene: using the same tone of voice he used to describe how the Doctor was willing to have Cassandra die, the second she bursts, he says "I'm going to throw up."
This month's look at Doctor Who travels back to the early adventures of the Third Doctor. Someone wants to drill a whole through the crust of the Earth, so the Doctor winds up in a nightmare alternate reality, I trust you see the connection.
Chuck opens the review with a quote from episode writer Matthew Graham, responding to the criticism with "It's not for you". He gleefully takes that as a challenge to thrash the episode and then claim it's "not for Matthew Graham".
Growing so incensed with the mother that he says, in rapid succession, that she makes Madoka's mom look like Clark Kent's, and that Neelix is awed by her incompetence.
Discussing his mixed feelings about an episode of "The Underwater Menace" being discovered.
"Any lost episode being found is a cause for celebration from Doctor Who fans, so you can imagine my delight when the news came. Another episode found, hooray! Which one was it? ...Oh. The Underwater Menace. (quietly) Shit. Hooray...I guess.
From the "Lost in Time" series, while discussing some rumors that had appeared recently and checking if it was possible for them to be true, he starts to explain a very unlikely scenario of a group of mercenaries working distributing television shows in africa and middle-east to hide their mercenary work, including Doctor Who, with it sounding like something out of a fiction story...only to make it clear that the rumor is that they had Doctor Who in their vaults, and all the other stuff is historically accurate. Chuck even cracks at one point at how unbelievable it is.
From his Children of the Gods review Chuck spends a minute going through the expected tropes with Sam being the most probable Designated Victim. Then Skara is taken instead:
Chuck: Well fuck a duck.
From "The Enemy Within," he decides there needs to be a little break from the sheer weight of how screwed Kowalski is going into the surgery. This break involves a drawing of Daniel spending some quality time with Twilight Sparkle.
Also from that episode, poking fun at fans who took him to task for inaccuracies, by launching into a minute-long monologue filled with the most hilarious inaccuracies you could possibly imagine.
Chuck: The Goa'uld voice effect that was employed in this episode was inspired by a blown take early in shooting when Amanda Tapping was possessed by the spirit of Gozer the Gozerian and began hovering and spraying the crew with blood.
As Wonder Woman's employees applaud her after her violent rampage in the climax:
"All hail the Overlord. All hail the Overlord."
The SFX subtitles. Just hilarious.
The picture of Bizarro to this quote:
"Ah, so when the government official connected to the bad guy upholds the law, that's bad. When the government official connected to the good guy ignores the law, that's good. Because in this world Superman looks like this."
Our continuing look at Torchwood's fourth season, where every human on Earth has become immortal... except Captain Jack who now seems inexplicably mortal now. That hipster, always having to stop doing something just because it's gone mainstream.
From Part 1, when we see Gwen's...extensive...gun collection, Chuck realizes that Britain does not have any guns not because of some law: it's because Gwen took all the guns for herself.
In Part 4, he points out how not only has Oswald - the known pedophile and murderer - stood up as advocate for the quarantined, but a hospital worker has pointed him to an abandoned baby girl: "Ah, Miracle Day. You're always surprising. Much like the contents of a serial killer's fridge."
In Part 7, he jokingly complains that Classic Doctor Who didn't have this sort of sexual malarkey. Cue the massive storm of quotes from the old series reinterpreted for maximum innuendo.
Immediately after this bit comes a glorious bit of black comedy as he concedes that "maybe" the show isnt quite so family friendly but at least Doctor Who would never have paedophiles like Oswald Danes on the show... and the screen immediately cuts to Jimmy Savile's appearence on the show. Much to Chuck's exasperation.
His ad for Two Guys With A Van villainy services during his review of the Gargoyles episode, The Mirror.
In his review of "City of Stone", when Macbeth is getting crowned king of Scotland, his hands are spread out, and the subtitles say "Safe!"
His joke about gravity being a full-fledged character in the story due to falling/nearly falling to death being used as a plot device again and again. It ends with a caption gag.
Oh no! Gravity's back to kill again!
Avatar The Last Airbender
From his review of season 1: "Since a comet, being made of rocks, ice, and gases, naturally powers the one element that's not present."
Zhao: I realise my plan might seem insane at first, but if we destroy the moon, we'll cripple the greatest threat we face. Iroh: Waterbenders? Zhao:No, werewolves! They're everywhere, I tell you!
Chuck calling Aang both "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Charlie Brown" and "Light-Up Aang with Kung-Fu Grip", as well as giving General Zhao "Admiral-I-Set-Fire-To-My-Own-Boats" and "Count Crazy von Crazy".
His description of Jun the bounty hunter, ending with "...Marry me, Jun."
From his review of season 2 on tempting the gods of irony:
Chuck: The first thing we learn is that the Dai Li are still loyal to Long Feng, that the letter from Toph's mom was actually from the bounty hunters who trap her in a metal cage, and that the Kyoshi Warriors who arrive to meet with the king are not Suki and her cohorts, but Azula, Mai and Pinkie Pie.
Chuck also ends his introductory description of Azula as an evil, controlling psychopath with a lament of yet another cartoon character reminding him of an ex-girlfriend.
His comparison of the Owl Librarian to the Tootsie pop owl.
From the review of Season 3:
Chuck says you're not allowed to enjoy the scene with Katara and Toph mud wrestling because they're both minors... but he's not sure Quentin Tarantino wasn't involved, given the number of shots of Toph's bare feet.
When Chuck talks about the episode, "The Headband", he says the Gaang must avoid the headmaster and his henchmen.
Chuck: "Yes, all teachers have henchmen, or HAD should I say. Stupid school cutbacks."
When Azula uses firebending to fly off one gondola to another:
Chuck!Azula: "Captain Crazy-Pants away!"
The Legend Of Korra
Chuck's running gag in his review of the first two episodes about how Korra's gleefully smiling Longing Look also looks like a Slasher Smile, and his fervent hope that Korra doesn't suddenly start murdering everybody.
"...and Pinkie Pie's laughing when confronted with terror represents marijuana."
His reaction in Pinkie Pie's introduction: "Ugh, I think I dated her once..."
"Joy is a sign of weakness, and weakness will get ya killed, Spike!"
"All girls have their desires...that sounded better before I said it."
From part two of "Return of Harmony": "With her friends gone, the world is a much darker place." (Several highly amusing things rush past, including bison dancing ballet and a pony running along the sides of the screen) "...Metaphorically, of course."
His completely giving up on trying to avoid Accidental Innuendo when the girls start pinning each other down.
Count Dooku gets to do something to Savage Oppress that Chuck has only dreamed of doing to his students: force lightning!
In part one of the review he plays a clip in the language Star Wars is meant to be heard — Spanish!
The running gag in which Count Dooku can never get the items he wants in the size he wants.
Puella Magi Madoka Magica
"So, what are we reviewing today?" *a few clips from the opening credits*
When Kyubey reveals he can grant any wish, Chuck warns everyone to Be Careful What You Wish For as genies can be real bastards. Like how a wish for the recovery of all the missing Doctor Who episodes means they can only be played in Real Player.
Also on the subject of Kyubey and wishes.
Kyubey: I can grant the most impossible of miracles.
Him deciding that Hitomi must be a Narnia-deep closet lesbian due to her overreaction to the mistaken idea of Madoka and Sayaka dating one another.
Chuck's comment on the nature of wishes comes back in Episode 3: "I bet one of her classmates wished to see Mami topless, and this is what happened."
Speculating that even if his wish to Kyuubey was to heal people with a touch, the result would probably be it only works if he sticks his penis in the person's mouth...and then he would get sick himself and not be flexible enough to fix it. "Sometimes when I start a sentence, I have no more idea where it's going than you do."
Chuck noting Kyubey's one-track mind, imagining a scenario where Madoka asks for the most mundane help and Kyubey will only do it if she signs a contract.
Hitler!Sayaka: Half the time that c***'s drunk off her tits!
One of the comments on the Blip page:
— PMMM is very kind to shippers, however. If you arrange the five major characters in a circle and draw lines between them to indicate "possible" (add air-quotes as necessary) relationships, you pretty much end up with a pentacle. Then, if you spill the blood of a virgin on it, Kyubey is summoned.
From Episode 9:
Chuck suggesting Kyubey came up with the magical girl plan via a botched Google search:
Chuck (as Kyubey): Alright, need to stave off the heat death of the universe, so "waste energy internal heat death"... and, yes, I'm feeling lucky. *Clicks "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, which leads him to a Madoka-based lolicon website* That doesn't seem very rational, but perhaps that's why our science has never thought of it before! To the labs gentlemen!
Episode 10 has Chuck!Homura's comments on Kyubey's magical girl/ witch system.
Episode 12 has a bit where Chuck tries to explain why he feels that Sayaka and Kyoko aren't actually in love with each other... only to get verbally bitch-slapped by Crazy!Janeway and "Timeless"!Harry Kim.note To add to the magic, Crazy!Janeway keeps accusing Chuck of being homophobic and "Timeless"!Harry keeps accusing him of being that kind of shipper.
The StingerIn The Style OfPros and Cons with Adolf Hitler wherein Hitler discusses the pros and cons of dubbing Anime, before finally going on an angry tirade about how Fegelein downvoted one his AMVs.
When Bruce first has a heart attack in part one of Rebirth, we get:
Batman: Ugh, should have taken Stark up on that heart contraption of his.
When Terry's father's friend, Harry, is revealed to be suffering from some unknown disease, it's inevitable.
Over the course of the final mission, because of a deliberate bad playthrough, Shepard's team is almost wiped out: Jack, Kasumi and Thane are killed on the approach to the Collector base; Jacob gets a missile to the face while trying to shut the doors (leading to Chuck to joke about Shiva treading on one of his eyeballs); the crew of the Normandy are all liquefied; Samara ends up getting dragged away by a Seeker Swarm because Miranda stuffed up their defence; Grunt is killed while leading the second team; Zaeed and Miranda are both crushed by falling rubble while taking down the final boss; finally, Legion is shot dead while trying to hold the line. Apart from Shepard, Joker and EDI, the only survivors of the mission are Garrus, Tali, and Mordin. For a moment, it looks as though Chuck is going to run with the Bittersweet Ending with Shepard mourning over the coffins of her dead comrades. And then...
The suicide mission itself is full of these, including the scene with Grunt's death, which happens right after Miranda's failure gets Samara killed.
Chuck: (Beat) I still blame you for this, Miranda.
All the jokes about the bugs in the game.
Chuck: Some of the Eclipse mercs shoot down the skycar, but there is one thing they didn't plan on...Shepard summoning a ninja ghost.
(Renegade interrupt without Shepard's character)
Salarian Merc: Ninja ghost is unstoppable!
Despite the serious nature of the Prime Directive Analysis, Chuck does manage to squeeze a CMOF into it. When likening the Prime Directive to nature documentaries, he pulls up a picture of John Hammond saying: "And so the volcano on the island became active and all the animals will likely be wiped out...and it can't happen soon enough for me, by God! I'd have run them all over with a jeep if I though I'd get away with it!"
His cameo in the 200th episode of Atop the Fourth Wall, where he's just confused about what he's doing there, and refuses to show his face because "cameras steal your soul."
The best part? That line was ad-libbed.
In a bit of perfect timing, Chuck's revised review of the Voyager episode Investigations (which went up just a few days later) includes a reference to One More Day (the comic Linkara reviewed in his 200th episode). He noted this was just a coincidence. Besides the reference to One More Day was in the original version of the review on Youtube anyway.
For the 5th anniversary of the Opinionated Episode Guides, Chuck released an hour-long Clip Show of various jokes from his reviews.
And starts it off with a parody of "Boomdyada Boomdyada" to boot!
When one of the commenters on one of his Voyager videos said, "Jesus Chuck what the hell do you have against Janeway (missing commas and all)," Chuck replied with: "Please, 'Chuck' is fine, there's no need to refer to me as 'Jesus Chuck.' I'm pretty sure that man's leprosy would have cleared up even if I hadn't touched him."
In a video explaining that due to very bad weather, his videos would be delayed.
Chuck: Mother Nature's wrath... Or Janeway, I did never find out if she finished that weather machine of hers.
On Solar Flares from Up the Long Ladder: "Get an umbrella, that will protect you!"
Talking about his career as a subsitute teacher: "Well we're not going to get the whole dynamic systems today. Sounds like a problem for somebody else. Good thing someone will be here tomorrow! < Evil Laugh >"
On which Trek is his favorite: "Ah! The same approach I take with my children! 'Which of you has disappointed me the least today! You shall not be punished.'"
On his analysis of how Roddenberry's views changed from TOS to TNG he uses a prime example of Gallows Humor by comparing it to dissecting a cat (you know how the cat works but you no longer have a cat)
"That poor cat!"
"I have really disturbing analogies. No idea why. I'm so sorry."
All of them cracking up when it's suggested that Chuck review Space1999.
About a plumbing disaster that has delayed production:
Sigh. The sink is now clogged and black gunk is bubbling out of the bathtub drain. The last person Poseidon was this mad at was Odysseus.
While Chuck has mentioned being a fan of Dragon Age: Origins, this one was most likely unintentional, but his Running Gag of Janeway desiring people to be prostrate before her, becomes even more funny when one realises that in the sequel, the first thing Merrill does upon meeting Flemeth (voiced by Kate Mulgrew) is to do just that!
Another one from his Twitter:
"Some days you discover that your job requires you to spend $150 on a magical girl show. And then you cry."
From his Twitter, on why he started the show:
@CaptainCalvinCa: "@sfdebris You're doing a great job with your opinionated reviews. I'm curious - what made you start that?"
Chuck: "@CaptainCalvinCa TY :) I needed to practice coding websites, so I needed to create content. Bitching about Voyager seemed the obvious choice"
R2 probably willfully misinterpreting one of C-3PO's lines to nickname him "Princess."