Top Secret! (1984) is the second feature-length comedy by the Zucker Abrahams Zucker team (third, if one counts The Kentucky Fried Movie), and stars Val Kilmer in his first theatrical role, as Nick Rivers, an Elvis-like rock idol sent into East Germany for a goodwill tour. Once there, he is swept into a spy plot by Hillary Flammond, whose father is held captive by the Communists. Hillary takes Nick to the French Resistance (yes, in East Germany), the charismatic leader of which is her former lover, and who seizes on the opportunity to use Nick's knowledge of the prison to break Dr. Flammond out.That's the plot, but the movie is perhaps better appreciated for its farcical, even savage zaniness. It parodieseverything, from rock idols to forced perspective shots to Professional Wrestling to goose-stepping Nazis to, well, cow disguises, with the ZAZ team's trademark Rapid-Fire Comedy. "And I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow!"
This movie contains examples of:
Affectionate Parody: WWII espionage films, and to a lesser extent, Elvis movies.
Air Vent Passageway: Parodied. It takes him a couple tries to find the right one, but there seem to be several more than strictly necessary. One of them inexplicably leads to a toilet bowl.
All Germans Are Nazis: Parodied. The Germans in the movie are supposed to be East Germans, but their uniforms are Nazi-era uniforms with the swastikas removed. (DDR (East German) uniforms did look closer to Nazi uniforms than West German uniforms, so there's a touch of Truth in Television in there.)
Aside Glance: Several times; at one point Nick even winks at the camera.
As Long as It Sounds Foreign: Most of the German dialogue is unrelated phrases of Yiddish; the few times it is actually German... well, see Bilingual Bonus. Other scenes have English running backwards, and Latin (Pig or otherwise).
Assumed Win: Nick turns a planned operatic performance into a rock concert through this type of mistake.
Badass: Parodied in Chocolate Mousse. The first thing we see him doing is sitting around, being a Scary Black Man, smoking a huge cigar. When his name is called, he grunts in acknowledgment and eats his cigar. Later he drinks gasoline from a bottle, singlehandedly wields a cannon as a firearm, exhibits Improbable Aiming Skills, wrestles a German soldier WWE-style, and apparently has people waiting just off-camera to hand him machine guns.
Bamboo Technology: Parodied. While stranded on a deserted island, Hillary and Nigel build a modern home out of "bamboo, dried seaweed, and snot", complete with functioning garage door (and a remote).
Bar Brawl: One of these occurs in a Western saloon (even though the film is set in East Germany) ...underwater.
BFG: Parodied, sort of. Chocolate Mousse uses a muzzle-loader cannon as a handgun.
The Big Board: The diorama Nigel uses to explain his plan to the other Resistance members.
Big Electric Switch: The electric fence around the castle is turned on and off with one of these.
The Salvage Pirates and Nigel, with the bonus of Getting Crap Past the Radar. "They tormented me in ways I cannot describe." (Followed by a contented smile at the memory.)
The cow disguise is so effective that it attracts both a nursing calf and an amorous bull...
Code Name/Theme Naming: Parodied. One group has French phrases for code names, and another has food names.
Du Quois: This is Chevalier, Montage, Detente, Avant Garde, and Deja Vu. Deja Vu: Haven't we met before, monsieur? Nick Rivers: I don't think so. Du Quois: Over there, Croissant, Souffle, Escargot, and Chocolate Mousse.
In the German translation, for unexplained reasons, the names of the first group are replaced with nicknames for traitors like Rat, Goldfish, Mole, etc. Here adding to the joke that previously someone suspected a mole in the group.
Circular Drive: A seemingly endless parade of military vehicles passes the camera...until the camera cranes back, revealing it's the same six vehicles driving in a circle.
Nick, when told by Dr. Flammond about an invention that can cheaply separate salt from seawater and asked if he understands what it means for the starving nations of the world (e.g. no more water shortages), answers: "Wow, they'd have enough salt to last forever!"
Nick: I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground. Hillary: I know. It all sounds like some bad movie. (Aside Glance)
Disney Villain Death: The soldier Chocolate Mousse throws off the top of a tower.
East Germany: Parodically portrayed as Nazi Germany.
Every Car Is a Pinto: Parodied, as the Pinto is the only car in the entire film to explode — with the tiniest, most gentle nudge. The military vehicle that crashes into it manages to leave the scene of the accident successfully, despite being on fire. "You've got to hand it to the Germans — they make great cars."
Everythings Better With Cows: Two characters infiltrate a top secret facility by dressing as a cow and mingling with the local herd thereof. Cows, that is, not a bunch of idiots dressed like cows. And then a bull comes...
Fake-Out Make-Out: Nick and Hillary manage to combine this with Lost In A Crowd, avoiding a patrol by ducking into a park crowded with couples making out and doing likewise.
Fictional Sport: Skeet surfing - combining skeet shooting with surfing (complete with a parodic Beach Boys style surf song) in the opening sequence. This of course isn't even at Fridge Logic levels of plausibility - salt water and shotguns really do not mix and the idea of trying to shoot a small fast moving target while trying to stay upright on a surfboard without being able to use your arms to balance and not falling off due to the recoil - well you get the idea. Not to mention the only safe way to do this would be on a completely deserted beach with an automatic skeet shooter otherwise stray shots would be very likely to hit the crowd, the skeet shooter operator, fellow shooters etc.
In the prison sequence, a sex toy called "The Anal Intruder" is prominently featured. It's astonishing that that was allowed to stay in a PG-rated movie in the 1980's.
Hillary measuring every inch of The Torch.
Two phallic scenes in a row: Cedric's telescopic antenna and the ballet, the latter of which was bowdlerized for cable. But those ballet dancers are still bouncing off of something...
Hollywood Magnetism: Dr. Flammond develops the Polaris magnetic mine. Instead of being attracted to ships and blowing them up like a regular magnetic mine, it's so powerful it drags ships to itself from hundreds of miles away.
Hope Spot: The phone conversation about the man Rivers sent to the hospital.
Streck: What is the condition of Sergeant Kruger? Very well, let me know if there is any change in his condition.
German Officer: "What he did not realize was that, in this country, we use 220 volt current. He was found impaled upon a large electrical device. Our surgeons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to remove the smile from his face."
The Loins Sleep Tonight: Parodied. It seems that Hillary is consoling Nick for his failure to perform, but it turns out that she's reading a trashy romance novel out loud.
Nick and Hillary go through the following exchange at a restaurant:
Hillary: "My name is Hillary. It means, 'She whose bosoms defy gravity.'" Nick: (after a beat) "My name's Nick." Hillary: "Nick! What does that mean?" Nick: "I don't know; my father thought of it while he was shaving."
Nigel "The Torch" — Hillary carries a torch for him. Also, there is another way to interpret "torch".
Hail, hail East Germany, land of fruit and grape Land where you'll regret if you try to escape No matter if you tunnel under or take a running jump at the wall Forget it, the guards will kill you, if the electrified fence doesn't first.
The same German guards keep breaking open the doors... forcing everyone in each instance (including a submarine commander!) to raise their hands in surrender.
Salvage Pirates: Leads to gang rape. And an aversion to capitalism.
Sexy Discretion Shot: To a fireplace. When the couple rolls into view in front of the fireplace, the camera pans again—to another fireplace. In some cuts, the camera eventually pans to a window with a view of a burning building. Further parodied some minutes later when a kiss between the two parachuting protagonists cuts to a fireplace hanging from another parachute.
One of the weirder ones: The shot of Peter Cushing with the magnifying glass (that turns out not to be one) mimics a scene from the 1965 Brithorror The Skull.
Those Two Bad Guys: The blind Bruno and the moronic Klaus who only reads the New York Post.
Those Wacky Nazis: While the East Germans are primarily portrayed as parodic communist versions of Nazis, there are frequent direct references to them in the sight gags, such as a novelty clock in the malt shop portraying a cartoon Adolf Hitler whose arms are the clock hands, and General Von Streck passing the time by reading "Hermann Goering's Workout Book."
Traintop Battle: Parodied hard. The bad guy owes the transit authority a new bridge.
Travel Montage: A dotted line makes its way along a streetmap... and is subsequently eaten by Pac-Man.
Trojan Prisoner: Chocolate Mousse, Déjà Vu and Nick Rivers, while infiltrating Fleurgendorf prison.
What Happened to the Mouse?: The Resistance may have rescued the man being forced to build the Polaris Mine, but they left the nearly complete mine behind, along with whatever plans there were. What's keeping the Germans from having someone else finish it and using it at a later date?
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