Funny / SF Debris - Star Trek: Picard

• "Remembrance"
  • Chuck riffing on the fact that Picard's dog is named "Number One":
    Picard: Things has been so difficult since Q turned you into a dog...
    Number One: Woof!
    Picard: Yes, I said I'd call, but so far every vet says that there is no cure for being neutered.
  • Dahj meets up with Picard, and ask him if he recognizes her. When Picard expresses confusion, she implores him to look closely at her.
    Picard: Oh, shit. Risa, wasn't it? That bitch told me she was on the pill! Look, I... haven't got any money. I'm a poor, poor man, you see. Just me, and my 100-acres and my 16-bedroom château. Just go away!
• From "Maps and Legends":
  • Chuck discusses a case of What Could Have Been, namely that Admiral Clancy was at one point planned to be an elderly Admiral Janeway. He then goes on to imagine how the argument between her and Picard would have played out after Janeway would had dropped an F-bomb on him.
    Picard: WHAT?! How dare you speak—
    Janeway: Oh, stuff it or I'll slap the brain damage out of you, you self-important jackhole!
    Picard: Well! You can just... go suck an... ass-dick!
    Janeway: ...An "ass-dick"?
    Picard: Um...
    Janeway: Do you mean, like, a donkey? Or... or an actual butt, that itself, somehow, also... has a dick?
    Picard: ...Uh, look—
    Janeway: You know what, you know what? Forget I asked. It's just sad, is what it is. Not knowing how to win an argument without throwing Shakespeare at it? Oh, yeah! We all know about your arch-frenemy, that closeted Loki that you convinced Starfleet was full of whimps. Yeah, thanks for that! Seeking out new life and showing it how easily it can take our lunch money. And now, you have the nerve to come into my office, dressed like a hotel lobby piano player, after taking a crap on Starfleet and think that I would hand a ship to some half-senile old fart?! You try anything like this again, Picard, and I'll take your stupid French hat and stuff it so far up your ass, your shit will be shaped like your fucking bald head!
    Picard: (stares at Janeway in shocked silence)
    Janeway: Now, get outta here before I say something nasty!
• "The End Is the Beginning"
  • Chuck lampshading how the flashback sequence makes Starfleet seem like supremely Ungrateful Bastards.
    Chuck: Picard says that he has done all he could. He even said he would resign if they refused to support his revised evacuation plan. And, of course, after a lifetime of service, saving the Earth, thwarting a Borg conquest of the Federation, and, oh yeah, traveling through time to ensure that the golden age of the present could actually happen, there is no possible way they could do anything other than say: "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."
  • Rios mentions that the captain he served under previously had his "brains splattered all over the walls".
    Chuck: Obviously something tragic happened. Or else he failed Admiral Janeway for the last time...

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