"If anyone tries to kill you, you try to kill them right back."After a job in which the crew of Serenity kill a group of outlaws that were causing trouble for a town, the crew is given a party, at which they all get drunk. During this party Mal, without realizing it, agrees to marry a young townswoman.After the crew return to Serenity and take off (just ahead of Feds), they discover the girl has stowed away, and she explains to Mal that she is his payment for saving the town. Mal rebuffs his new bride, then explains that she is not a piece of property, and she should be free to do what she wants with her life.Saffron (this is the girl's name) eagerly attempts to ingratiate herself to her husband by cooking for him and catering to his needs, offering to wash his feet. Zoe is increasingly uncomfortable with Saffron's views on the roles of women, whereas Wash defends them as quaint and harmless; the two fight over whether Wash is jealous of Mal and his submissive wife. Jayne is actually jealous, and offers to trade her for his favorite gun, Vera. Mal is warned by Book that if he takes sexual advantage of Saffron, he will go to a special level of hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in theaters.As it turns out, however, "Saffron" is a career criminal, who boarded Serenity in order to disable its navigational systems and send it through an electromagnetic net designed to clear ships of their crew so they may be scavenged. She attempts to seduce Mal and Wash and disable them with a layer of toxic lipstick called the "goodnight kiss". Mal succumbs; Wash refuses but is knocked unconscious; Inara almost succumbs, but due to her training and a timely interruption she realizes what's going on. Saffron claims to have killed Mal, and escapes on the extra shuttle. Inara runs to Mal's side, and in an emotional moment, kisses him. She has just enough time to roll her eyes at his stupidity before being knocked out by the residual drug on his lips.The crew recovers with Simon's help, and Wash and Kaylee set about repairing the damage. Zoe is proud of Wash for his loyalty to her, and Inara claims that she lost consciousness because she tripped and fell. Jayne heads to the airlock with Mal and Zoe, wraps Vera in an extra suit to provide "her" with air for combustion, and starts firing, sending the scavengers into space and disabling the net.Mal tracks down Saffron, and recovers the shuttle. He questions her on the surprising complexity of her plot, and she indicates that for her, the goal is less important than having fun. Inara, after some prodding, admits to Mal that she did not trip. Mal says he already knows she kissed Saffron, and leaves her dumbfounded.
- Accidental Marriage: The setup for the episode.
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: Book warns Mal that if he takes sexual advantage of Saffron, he will go to a "special" level of hell reserved for "child molesters and people who talk in theaters."
- As the Good Book Says...: Saffron seduces Mal with a quotation meant to sound biblical. There is swelling and entering involved. And plowing.Mal: Whoa. Good Bible.
- Bitch in Sheep's Clothing: Saffron.
- Bi the Way: When Saffron suggests that she might be more interested in a woman than Mal, Inara offers a night in her shuttle, possibly before realizing that Saffron was putting on an act, though she claims later to have just been playing along.
- Chaste Hero: Not so much chaste as flummoxed, confused, and doing his damnedest to stay honorable. Saffron admits afterward how Mal was the only mark who didn't immediately ravish her.
- Comically Missing the Point: Mal thinking Inara got tricked into kissing Saffron, instead of figuring out that Inara had kissed him.
- Complexity Addiction: Lampshaded by Mal; played straight by Saffron.
- Culture Clash: Wash compares the role of women in Saffron's "hometown" to a planet he visited where people juggled goslings.
- Disguised in Drag: Captain Reynolds dresses as Jayne's wife to catch some crooks. Inara asks why they didn't just put Zoe in the dress.Mal: Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. 'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. It's the whole... air-flow.
- Drugged Lipstick: Saffron's weapon of choice. Apparently a fairly common tactic, as Simon knows it by its street name.
- Evil Counterpart: Saffron, to Inara. Inara guesses toward the end that Saffron had some Companion training, giving her the skill needed to "play" whatever role she needed in order to hijack the ship.
- Facepalm: Mal does a nose bridge version at himself (and/or the inevitable jokes) after his Accidental Marriage.
- I Call It "Vera": Jayne's very favorite gun. The Trope Namer.
- Improbable Aiming Skills: Zoe manages to shoot a guy escaping on horseback while she is jumping sideways off the back of a wagon.
- Incest Subtext:
- In a Deleted Scene, Simon is thrown for a loop by his sister's latest bit of loopiness.River: [to Shepherd Book] We want you to marry us.
Simon: What? We... no! [pause] What?
River: Two by two... Everyone has a match, a mate, a dopple. I love you.
Simon: No, River... mei-mei... of course, I love you too, but we can't be married. [to Book] She's really crazy! [River kicks Simon in the shin] Ow! Ah, no, I—I don't mean crazy... that's just—you know that's not something brothers and sisters do. I mean, on some planets but only pretty bad ones.
- For added squickiness, River then takes a pillow and puts in under her dress and claims "Now we have to be married. I'm in the family way." Puts a whole new spin on that term, doesn't it?
- In a Deleted Scene, Simon is thrown for a loop by his sister's latest bit of loopiness.
- Lysistrata Gambit: Wash is very impressed by Saffron's cooking. Zoe is not.Zoe: Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?
- Ominous Crack: A couple of villains get to experience this when Jayne puts a couple of high-caliber rounds into their window. The window between them and hard vacuum, that is.
- Pro Bono Barter: In lieu of money, the crew gets some miscellaneous gifts, ostensibly including a wife.
- Ready for Lovemaking: Mal finds Saffron waiting for him in his bed. She says she's "made herself ready for" him. She has, if you can count knock-out lipstick "being ready". It doesn't end well.Saffron: I've made the bed warm for you.
Mal: It, uh, looks warm.
Saffron: And I've… made myself ready for you.
Mal: Let's ride right past the part where you explain exactly what that means.
- Running Gag: The special hell.Book: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk in the theater. [walks behind a wall, then pops back into frame] ...the special hell.
[later, when Mal is confronted by a very nude Saffron]
Mal: Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.
Zoe: So you two were kissin'?
Book: Well, isn't that... special.
- Seduction-Proof Marriage: Wash resists Saffron's advances due to this. Saffron just loses her temper and clocks him on the head. His wife is suitably impressed and pleased.Wash: Wuh duh ma huh tah duh fong kwong duh wai shung,trans. do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not... married, not madly in love with a beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!
- The Vamp: Saffron, as it turns out.
- Waking Non Sequitur: Reviving Mal from the effects of the "Good Night Kiss."Mal: [snort] 's it Christmas?...What happen'd 'bout me?
- What Did I Do Last Night?: Mal's first instinct when he finds out he's married is to ask Jayne how drunk he was the previous night.Jayne: I dunno—I passed out.
- When All You Have Is a Hammer...: it's interesting to note that Saffron's first approach is always to play the seductress. We never see her interact with someone on whom it might not have had a chance to work (a population that numbers no greater than Zoe, Kaylee and River), but the question is, would she have tried it anyway?