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Best Her to Bed Her
"So, the only man that can have you is one who's already tried to kill you. That's logic."
Kalidor, Red Sonja

This trope describes a situation where a woman can or will fall in love only with a man who can conquer her. Her defeat may take place in actual physical combat (this obviously only applies to warrior women), or in a metaphorical sort of battle — giving way once she meets a man who can take charge and show her that he is the one who is making the decisions. In either case, once she is defeated by a man in this capacity, she will surrender her heart and/or body to him.

In other words, Defeat Means Friendship with an instant Relationship Upgrade.

What forbids such a woman from loving a man who can't "master" her varies, but there is always some reason. She may have her own moral code telling her not to choose a mate weaker than herself. It may be an ancient custom or tradition of her people. It may even be religious or magical: there is a curse (or a blessing) on her that will not allow her to submit until she meets the man who demonstrates that he is worthy to have her.

The presence of some rule or custom is what establishes this trope. The woman who falls in love with her opponent after he defeats/stands up to her is not enough to qualify for this trope — there must be a clear injunction that she cannot love any man until he proves his mastery by defeating her.

Compare All Amazons Want Hercules. See also Slap-Slap-Kiss. See also Sex Face Turn and High Heel-Face Turn. See also Red Sonja (the page for the former trope-namer). Contrast Love at First Punch, which lacks the explicit requirement either by the character themselves or their society.


Examples

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    Anime and Manga 
  • Ranma ½
    • Shampoo and the rest of her Amazon tribe. If an outsider male defeats a female amazon, then she has to marry him (the outsider male has no say in the matter).
    • Indirectly (and to her immense annoyance) Akane, after Kuno proclaimed that only he who could defeat her in combat was worthy of dating her. Cue the morning routine in which half the student body at Furinkan High (the male half) went out to fight her. They stopped once Ranma showed up, recognizing he's a better fighter than the rest of them and that it's hopeless to try fighting for Akane at this point.
    • Amusingly Kuno reverses this and applies this trope to himself, claiming that if the Pigtailed Girl (Ranma) can defeat him, he shall allow her to date with him. Since this isn't such a hard feat for Ranma, Hilarity Ensues.
    • Akari Unryuu's grandfather wanted her to marry a boy strong enough to defeat her giant sumo pig.
  • Miriya in Macross/Robotech is a borderline case. She fell in love with Max after he beat her, but there was never an explicit "rule" about it. (There was to be a female pilot in the never-produced Robotech II: The Sentinels who idolised Miriya and in an in-universe version of Misaimed Fandom vowed only to marry a man who beat her.)
    • Macross 7 : the series strongly hints that Max and Milia grew apart because they couldn't mentally deal with normal married life, not for lack of love. Max and Milia are only good at fighting and sex (the pair had six children together; the second almost killed Milia during childbirth). Living together in harmony outside of those two activities is a major challenge for them.
  • Inverted in Steel Fist Riku: After she beats Chikara Toudou, Riku learns that he is now forbidden from setting foot on his family's property until he either defeats or marries her.
  • A less extreme version of this trope can be found in Bakuman。, where Iwase, the smartest girl in school, believes that she and Takagi are now a couple when he gets better grades than her. Too bad he thinks she was just making a friendly competition out of it.
    • As of recent chapters she's likely going to enter the field of manga in order to compete with him.
  • In Mahou Sensei Negima! Ku Fei has imposed this policy on herself. She doesn't require that the combat actually take place; she can tell that Negi could defeat her in an match and that being able to defeat her is a necessary but not sufficient criteria. She's not romantically interested in Negi. Yet. He beat her at arm wrestling (to minimize damage) and she joked that now they had to get married... and then Chamo started wondering why Negi's great-something-granddaughter looked so Chinese. Awkward timing there, huh?
  • Kumiko pulls this trope in Gokusen to get out of an attempted arranged marriage. However her tactics only make the prospective groom fall more in love with her and determined to win the fight and her hand.
  • Hinagiku of Hayate the Combat Butler. Hayate taught her how to defeat her fears (or the knowledge how to), but when admitting it to Ayumu, she still wants Hayate to be the one to start the romance.
  • Inverted in Pokémon Special. It is heavily hinted that the reason why Winona broke it off with Wallace was that having the regional champion as her boyfriend made her insecure of her own abilities.
  • The Gurren Lagann manga Guren Gakuenhen has Nia's split personality showing signs of this. This contrasts with the original personality who has other priorities. Fortunately for them both, Simon can fulfill both.
  • In the Sorcerer Hunters manga, Gateau's younger sister Eclair once vowed that she would never fall in love with any man who couldn't beat her in a fight. Since Eclair is about as strong as her brother, this disqualified most men in the world. She becomes attracted to the (first) Big Bad Sacher Torte who easily stops her frequent attempts to avenge her parents' deaths. She later falls in love with him after agreeing with his ideals and has him erase her memories so she doesn't have to feel conflicted about her feelings anymore.
  • Record of Lodoss War. Shiris was bested by Parn in the first episode of the TV series, and after that, she was adamant that she was in love with him; her partner Orson pointed out that she was resentful of Parn beating her and desperately wanted to replace that resentment with another emotion, namely "love", in order to regain her lost pride. She was so angry by Orson's remarks that she hit him.
  • Monaco of Axis Powers Hetalia demands that Seborga beat her in a game of Poker if he wants to take her on a date. It's hinted that she may have simply wanted to play a game with someone.
  • Yu-Gi-Oh!: Deconstructed in the episode "Lights, Camera, Duel". A famous actor named Jean Claude Van Magnum who proposed to Mai previously wants to challenge Mai to a duel monsters game for her hand in marriage if he wins. Mai isn't interested in marrying him in the slightest, and only agreed to the duel because she wanted to prove she's not a prize to be won. She wouldn't have agreed to marry him even if he won. At end of the episode when Jean loses it turns out he's a sore loser and tries to capture her to force her to marry him anyway, but his plan fails after almost getting Mai seriously hurt.
  • Words Worth invokes this with Astral's fiance, Sharon. Despite being engaged to him, she doesn't acknowledge Astral until he proves his worth by saving her, after her defeat by King Fabris. Astral proves himself again, following the 20 year timeskip, this time by stalemating against Sharon herself, and beds her soon afterward.
  • Ghost Talkers Daydream: Played for Laughs (and fanservice) in chapter 16, when Kobayashi fantasizes about his co-worker, Shizue, her girlfriend, Kinako, and Lisa all throwing themselves at him, after beating them at a game of Mahjong. But it's hilariously subverted when he plays his final tile and sees it's a losing hand.

    Comic Books 
  • The former Trope Namer here is Red Sonja, originally(-ish) from the Conan the Barbarian comics (and later a movie starring Brigitte Nielsen). Red Sonja lived with her family in a humble house in the Western Hyrkanian steppes (modern Ukraine/Russia). When she had just turned 17 years old, a group of mercenaries killed her family and burned down their house. Sonja survived but she had been raped by the leader of the group, leaving her in shame. Answering her cry for revenge, the red goddess Scathach appeared to her, and instilled in her incredible skill in the handling of swords and other weapons on the condition that she would never lie with a man unless he defeated her in fair combat. Peter David commented that this essentially means that the only man she can ever love is one capable of replicating the most traumatic experience of her life.
    • Conan managed to beat her in the last story of Roy Thomas's original run. He could tell she was reluctant and he had just lost Belit recently, so he didn't do anything with her. At the end of the same issue, Sonja confessed her feelings for Conan and her fears of what might happen if she didn't put some distance between them.
    • In a What If? story where Wolverine became lost in time and wound up in Hyboria at the same time this story took place, Wolverine was able to beat Sonja in battle and went on to become King of Aquilonia instead of Conan, with Sonja as his queen. note 
    • In the movie, she and Kalidor fight to a standstill. At the end, Kalidor inverts this by saying he makes it a rule never to marry a woman unless she can beat him in a fair fight. The pair exchange a couple of sword strokes before kissing.note 
    • In issue 15 of the current series, she and two friends take on a god—a weakened god, but still a quasi-deity at least. He naturally trounces them. Whether that counts as a fair fight, which is what has to be waged for it to work, is moot: he doesn't invoke the trope—she does. Because, the writer said, she was using the loophole wherein someone who's beaten her isn't necessarily someone who has to have sex with her, or whom she even has to let, but whom she can allow to do so if she wants...and the writer decided she did want, some time after the fight was over and they were allies. It's notable that in the new series the portrayal seems to be romantic love with someone who hasn't beaten her isn't forbidden—just physical affection. note 
    • In Gail Simone's run, the rule no longer applies, and Sonja actually quite enjoys sex. Parodied in one issue where she encounters a swordsman who has made this vow, and she says it's a stupid rule.
  • Parodied by the character Blue Opal in the Phil Foglio comic XXXenophile, for whom this was more a curse than an oath. After the sexually-frustrated warrior out-drinks and out-fights every man in the bar, the only one left is a meek man who invites her to play a strategy game with him. The curse is lifted after he beats her at the game—which, as they realize later, has a name that translates as "Battle". Joyful sex ensues.
  • Viciously parodied in Wonder Woman vol.3 #24, where the producers of a Wonder Woman movie have her make this vow, and get defeated by Hercules. The real Wonder Woman is not impressed. In the DCU, Hercules raped Wonder Woman's mother.
  • She-Beard from Seaguy; a female warrior who vowed to give herself to the hero who proves his courage.
  • Parodied in Cerebus the Aardvark as Red Sophia. Her father hires Cerebus to torture the man who besmirched her honor. During the journey her logorrhea is too much, they fight, he wins, she pledges service. (He refused to demand sexual favors from her at that point, instead trying to teach her a lesson by using her as a pack mule. She didn't learn; Sophia is simply Too Kinky to Torture.) The eventual torture is forcing the blackguard (who saw her naked) to marry Sophia. Years later she marries Cerebus.

    Folklore 
  • According to Marco Polo, Aiyaruk, the daughter of a nephew of Kublai Khan, said that she'd only marry a man who could defeat her in a wrestling match. She never did find a husband. Demanding that every suitor bring her one hundred horses that would be forfeit if he lost, Aiyaruk came to own ten thousand steeds. Eventually, a handsome and especially strong prince came and offered a thousand horses instead of a hundred, to show his confidence. Aiyaruk's parents begged her to let him win, but she refused. In the Hollywood version, he'd probably have been the one to get the girl — but according to Polo's account, after an especially long and difficult match, she was able to defeat him, too. Aiyaruk never did find her match, and instead became a skilled warrior (which was not unheard of amongst Mongolian women, regardless of the accuracy of Polo's specific account).
  • Nearly inverted by the Scythians, a nomadic civilization whose women were warriors. Greek accounts would have it that before they could get married, Scythian women had to defeat three men in combat. (However, not full inversion as they married others of their tribe rather than the defeated men, who were often dead.)

    Film 
  • In Curse of the Ring, Queen Brunhilde wears a magical belt that makes her stronger than just about any man. She will only wed the man who can outpower her or best her in combat. There is one such man, but he is not interested in her due to a spell put on him.
  • Mystique tries to seduce Logan/Wolverine in X2: X-Men United because he defeated her in combat in X-Men, complimenting him that "nobody ever left quite a scar like you did". Logan is not interested. Later films show that Mystique is capable of having loving, if not necessarily intimate, relationships with other mutants even if they didn't actually beat her (Charles Xavier, Magneto).

    Literature 
  • In the Nibelungenlied, a 12th-13th century German verse epic, the super-strong Icelandic queen Brünhild will only marry the man who can defeat her in three contests of strength (javelin throwing, boulder-tossing, and long jump); whoever enters the contest and loses is executed. King Gunther of Burgundy tries to woo Brünhild, but as he has no chance of defeating her, he allows the hero Siegfried to help him complete the trials under cover of Siegfried's Invisibility Cloak. Brünhild falls for the trick and marries Gunther, much to her regret.
  • Chaucer's Wife of Bath describes having several husbands whom she doesn't seem to care for in the slightest; that is, until she marries Jankyn, the first man who seems to have an ounce of power over her. Given the content of the Wife of Bath's tale and the fact that she asks that Jankyn give her mastery over him/their relationship this may be more of a desire for a challenge than a desire to be "conquered."
  • Bradamante, the daughter of Duke Aymon in Ariosto's epic Orlando Furioso, escapes the specter of arranged marriage by getting Emperor Charlemagne to promise that she won't have to marry any man who can't endure a duel with her from dawn to dusk. Her motivation for this is that she's fallen for a Saracen knight named Ruggiero and been tasked by Merlin's ghost with converting him and founding a lineage of great Italians.
  • Britomart (an expy of Bradamante) in Edmund Spenser's poem The Faerie Queene is another example, with pretty much the same vow as Red Sonja's if for completely different reasons. She is an allegorical figure of the virgin Knight of Chastity.
  • The wildling women of A Song of Ice and Fire won't accept husbands who aren't tough enough to kidnap them.
    • Brienne of Tarth was set up for an Arranged Marriage with a noble who made it clear he would 'chastise' her if she persisted in wearing chainmail and training in swordplay. Brienne stated that she would only allow herself to be chastised by a man would could defeat her in combat. Deciding to teach his future wife her place, he accepted the challenge and ended up with several broken ribs from a tourney mace. After that Brienne's father gave up the idea of marrying his daughter off.
  • The Marat in Codex Alera are a subversion. Marat women do give potential suitors a challenge that they must complete to win their affection. However, the challenge isn't necessarily against the woman herself, and either way the woman chooses the challenge. This means, as Tavi notes, if the woman doesn't fancy that particular suitor, she need only choose a contest he's likely to fail at. Kitai's challenge to Tavi: Defeat the Big Bad.
  • The ancient chinese tale Hua Guan Suo Zhuan speaks of a Bao Sanniang, a young girl who was both immensely beautiful, and immensely strong. With countless suitors, she declared that she'd only marry the one who could beat her in a duel, and proceeded to beat up every last man who came for her hand. Eventually, Guan Suo - third son of the incomparable Guan 'The God Of War' Yu - heard of this, and went to challenge her. He beat her (in the fiftieth round), and she instantly fell in love with him. (By all accounts, he was quite the Bishōnen, and known to wear flowers in his hair even upon the battlefield, so that probably helped too...) From then on, she followed him everywhere, and even fought alongside him in his remaining campaigns.
    • There is some debate as to whether Bao Sanniang is a wholly fictional character, or a romantization/dramatization of a historical individual, mind.
  • Inheritance Trilogy: In The Hundred-Thousand Kingdoms, the Darre tribe is a matriarchal society where the female leader wrestles against a male. If the female wins, he dies and doesn't marry her. If he wins, he rapes her in front of the entire village.
  • A P. G. Wodehouse golfing story was about a strikingly beautiful and adventurous world-travelling woman showing up at the golf club and attracting the attention of several men, including one very meek little fellow who only earns her scorn. After emasculating himself by singing "Only God Can Make A Tree" at a public event, he gives up on her and focuses on training for a tournament. Later, during the tournament, he manages to accidentally peg her with a stray ball (she was taking a walk on the course despite warnings); when she comes over to give him a piece of her mind, he fumbles a swing and throws his club at her; and when he tries to help her up, he somehow ends up punching her in the face. She promptly declares her undying love for him, having finally found a man capable of dominating her. A later scene (although it's set at the start of the chapter due to the broken chronology) shows them happily married with her being submissive and him keeping up the dominant act.
  • This seems to be how romance works at Camp Halfblood "If a girl keeps trying to kill you it means she's into you."

    Live Action TV 
  • Saffron from Firefly tried to con Mal at the end of the episode "Our Mrs. Reynolds" by pretending to be this type, but Mal didn't fall for it and responded with a Dramatic Gun Cock instead.
  • The Quantum Leap episode "How the Tess Was Won". Sam leaps into "Doc" Daniel Young, a veterinarian working on a Texas ranch. Sam is convinced that his mission is to win over the ranch owner's daughter, Tess, by competing in a "cowboy" contest against her.
  • In Dark Kingdom The Dragon King (a.k.a. The Ring of the Nibelungs) Kristanna Loken plays Brunhilde the Queen who will lose all her strength if she marries a man who has not defeated her in battle.
  • In Game of Thrones, Jaime Lannister guesses that boys had tried to force themselves onto the gigantic Brienne of Tarth and suspects that she secretly wanted to find a man who could overpower her. She declines to confirm this, saying only that no one ever could.
  • In Chinese Paladin, Yue'Ru's father despairs of finding a man for her (and is personally fed up with her bratty behavior), and offers to marry her to anyone who can defeat her in a kung fu contest. In something of a subversion, after seeing the quality of the contestants who do show up, he privately advises her to go for the kill. She subsequently falls in Love at First Punch with the hero.

    Myth And Legend 
  • Older Than Feudalism: This happens at least a few times in Greek Mythology:
    • Amazon Queen Hippolyta and Heracles. All Amazons Want Hercules, after all.
    • Atalanta, who would only marry a man who could defeat her in a foot race. The losers were executed. Eventually, Aphrodite got sick of Atalanta's attitude and gave the next competitor three golden apples with which to cheat. Every time Atalanta got ahead, he threw one out in front of her and broke for the lead while she was distracted, giving him the win.
    • Peleus had to defeat the immortal and shape-changing Thetis to be allowed to marry her. Their son was Achilles.
  • The idea for Red Sonja herself was taken from Aoife of Irish mythology via a William Butler Yeats play, though as noted there are examples considerably older with this.
  • In a chapter of the Devi Mahatmya, the Demon Lord Sumbha, whom becomes infatuated by the Mother Goddess Parvati, sends an envoy to persuade the goddess to marry the Asura Lord. Parvati refuses and states that she will only wed the demon lord if she is bested by him in combat. After hearing this, Sumbha sends an Army of 60,000 demons to battle the goddess and "drag her by her hair" back to the king should they subdue her. Parvati God-modes into the warrior Goddess Durga, and the battle ends about as well as somebody sending a herd of sheep to fight a grizzly bear.

    Tabletop Games 
  • A set of Dungeons & Dragons trading cards from the mid-90s included a variation, with a Lawful Good priestess who was prophecised to leave the sisterhood in order to wed a great hero, and vowed only to marry a man whose virtues exceeded her own.

    Theatre 
  • Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream had the Amazon Queen Hippolyta marrying Theseus, the Duke of Athens, after he defeated her forces.
  • The Taming of the Shrew could be argued to be an example of this, as Kate 'defeats', or at any rate sees off all other potential suiters until Petruchio manages to break her through sheer horrendous treatment and stubbornness.

    Video Games 
  • Discworld has a Red Sonja Expy, who had the standard oath regarding laying with a man who could defeat her. Later on in the game, she notes that she was finally defeated by a man who challenged her to a game of tiddlywinks. It seems her goddess didn't stipulate that she had to be defeated in armed combat. Rincewind learns of this, much to his regret, as he is really good at tiddlywinks.
  • Knights of the Old Republic 2: Curiously, completing the Handmaiden's romance sidequest requires defeating her in three unarmed duels. Where both participants are wearing underwear (the player's covers more than the Handmaiden's does, though).
    • Ditto for the sidequest with Visas, though hers is more of a Defeat Means Friendship blossoming into something more.
  • Jeanne, of World Heroes seems to be of this type, as her endings usually have her lamenting her victories as a still-single woman.
  • Uthgerd the Unbroken in Skyrim will only marry you if you can defeat her in a brawl.
  • Non-canon sidequests in Dynasty Warriors games often involve male characters needing to prove they are worthy of their love interests by defeating them.
  • In Izuna: Legend of the Unemployed Ninja, the fisherwoman Ichika spends a lot of her time looking for a mate who's as strong as her. By the end of the game, she eventually finds him, and the sequel begins with their wedding.
  • One of the campaigns in the RTS Blood and Magic, called "Matchmaker Mayhem," revolves around this plot. Princess Roxana proclaims that she will only marry a man who can best her in a contest of martial skill, although the suitor is allowed to pick the specific contest. She defeats several would-be suitors in jousts and duels, before facing Bryan the Bold, who chooses open war as his specific conflict. You, the player, can choose to lead Bryan's forces or Roxana's.

    Webcomics 
  • In Captain SNES, the wife of Cid from Final Fantasy IV is said to be this.
  • The unnamed Mongol warrior from Get Medieval falls hard for the alien gladiatrix Rylede after she defeats him.
  • Yatta-Ta is convinced that the title character of The Challenges of Zona is this and so far, no amount of evidence to the contrary will convince him otherwise.
  • Parodied in Insecticomics: after being beaten by Flamewar, Grimlock assumes he has to marry her. Flamewar questions the logic of this, asking if she has to marry Jazz because he once shot her in the back. Being Grimlock, he agrees, and it only gets better from there. Jazz even refers to it as a "Red Sonja-kick".
    Inferno: Hey, Grimlock, ya didn't win the lottery last week.
    Grimlock: Then me Grimlock must marry...the LOTTERY!
    Prowl: Don't encourage him, Inferno.
  • A variant in Commander Kitty: Freeda seems to think it's sexy that Mittens stood up to her.

    Web Original 
  • Previous stage decoration Tardboy and his "sub" Torako from Yukari is Free might be considered of this type.
  • A character by furry artist, Linno, falls under this trope (at least at one point). His Kangaroo babe, named "K.O." is a professional boxer, who uses both her fists and her tail to box with. Of course, this would seemingly make her quite tough to beat in an actual match; so for anyone who does beat her in a one-on-one challenge gets a very special prize. Believe it or not, there was even an adult flash game made out of it (no, this isn't made up).
  • The If I Am Ever The Heroine list (similar to the Evil Overlord List) strongly warns against agreeing to this practice.

    Western Animation 
  • Superman: The Animated Series Maxima dragged Superman off to her home planet to be her mate after he defeated her in a fight.When Lobo shows up, it's "Superman who?" Note that in the comics, Maxima merely wanted Supes because his genes went well with her royal bloodline of warriors.
  • In the Ben 10 Universe Tetramands have their courtship working that way. Notably, Tetramands possess natural Super Strength, and females are naturally stronger than males, so this is an uphill battle for males. Ben 10: Omniverse reveals that Kevin defeated Tetramand princess Looma when he was 13, though he was only interested in the engine her family would give him as a wedding gift. When the time to marry her came, he tricked Ben into defeating Looma in a duel, leading him to become her fiancée instead.


Belligerent Sexual TensionFrenemy TropesBig Bad Friend
Bastard GirlfriendWomen Are DelicateCute Clumsy Girl
All Amazons Want HerculesMen Are ToughAction Hero Babysitter
Bed TrickSex TropesBestiality Is Depraved
Bedsheet LadderOlder Than FeudalismBi the Way
Belligerent Sexual TensionLove TropesThe Bet
Benevolent BossCharacters as DeviceBeta Couple

alternative title(s): Defeat Means Love
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