Hero Critique Thread (Because it's about damn time for this too!):

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101 Eagal2nd Jan 2013 05:04:27 PM from This is a location. , Relationship Status: Waiting for Prince Charming
This is a title.

edited 1st Aug '17 5:03:01 PM by Eagal

The madness is catching.
He's never lost at poker, dominoes, baseball, pool, football (American and original flavor). Pretty much any competition that he takes part in, he sets out to win and typically does.

...never? My advice here is "never say never."

  • Insufferable Genius: Despite his vanity, he is an incredibly effective leader and hero.
  • Even so...Small Name, Big Ego: No amount of effectiveness can live up to his opinion of himself. His name is German for "exalted".

So, how do you intend for these flaws to truly hinder him?

Overall, aside from competence and technically being on the side of good, does he have any redeeming qualities that he displays towards those to whom he doesn't have the aforementioned Undying Loyalty? Right now, he sounds like a supremely obnoxious dick. To be sure, this could work for a begrudgingly respected rival, an aloof ally, a cynical adviser... but you say he's The Hero, and frankly, I can't imagine wanting to read an entire story about him. I would probably be Rooting for the Empire in a heartbeat. Well, unless this Ring Jet fellow you mentioned, apparently The Cape or something close to it, gets equal billing, they're on more-or-less even ground, and they both get their chances to laugh at the failings of the other... that could also work, but it'd be a tricky knot to tie.

EDIT: All that said, however, I suppose my comments might be tainted by my position somewhat idealistic on the Sliding Scale of Idealism vs. Cynicism. Truth be told, if you smooth out his rough edges with just a few Pet The Dog Moments, you might be able to Rule of Cool your way through the rest and have an unabashed Escapist Character many will enjoy, if that's what you want to do. (I am of the opinion that Escapist Character is not an inherently bad thing.)

edited 2nd Jan '13 6:55:00 PM by KillerClowns

103 Eagal2nd Jan 2013 07:24:35 PM from This is a location. , Relationship Status: Waiting for Prince Charming
This is a title.

edited 1st Aug '17 5:03:18 PM by Eagal

The madness is catching.
104 David5th Jan 2013 12:30:56 PM from TV Tropes, duh , Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Yugo Hitatsu
The reason why it took me so long to reply was because I haven't been on the computer senseI posted my last post.

@nrjxl: Did you even read anything that I posted, because the way your post is it doesn't seem like it. All I was doing was explaining myself,which if you actaully read anything that I put you would see that, not to mention with the family I grew up in it's going to take a little more than to insult my spelling to get on my nerves, we put worse insult in casual talk and that's when we're talking about ourselves. Secondly I was trying to get people to critique my hero, that's why I was trying to get things back on track. By the way, it's not as if I'm not checking it, it's just with this computer I'm more checking if One of the keys didn't get pressed, whather than if every little thing is spelled correctly and if my grammar is a hundred percent correct. Not to mention the fact that if you're unable to figure out what I put down than even if I spelled it perfectly it wouldn't matter, seeming how even a kid who only knew how to read and write for several years could do just that.

Sorry Eagal, but I had to explain that to people.

Only read this, don't reply to it, to you know, keep this forum on track. If you want you can send me a PM, so you can tell me all your complaints about my last several posts, but expect me to reply in a PM aswell.

edited 6th Jan '13 12:52:17 AM by David

"We're called the guardians of time" Yugo
105 David6th Jan 2013 01:30:42 AM from TV Tropes, duh , Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Yugo Hitatsu
Sorry about double posting.

[up][up]I don't think he's that bad of a character, but like Killer Clowns, I'm not all that sure how good of a hero he'll be. I guess it'll depend on how good of a writer you are. My character has simmilar fews, but he's less of a lose cannon and if he sees someone in need of help and he has the ability to help he would, I'm pretty m;uch just saying that they're the same, but mine is more nice about it and less likely to kill.

I'm doing Yugo again sense he wasn't really critiqued. People just asked questions that I already had the answers to and then the forum got side tracked.

Name: Yugo Hitatsu

Age: 16

Personality: He’s pretty smart and can find a solution to most situations, but he’s a huge fish out of temporal water. He tries to explain things in this time in a way that he can understand, but seeing how he’s from over a thousand years in the past, he just leaves people confused. He’s a big eater because of his higher metabolism, and can't go a chapter without eating, or talking about eating. He’s willing to kill if he has to, that includes the Big Bad, but he’ll not kill if you doesn’t need to. He’ll also save those in need if he’s able, but not go looking for it.

Abilities: Time travel, able to see in the spectrum of light that consists of heat rays, manipulation of fire, manipulation of water, healing factor, immunity to heat and cold temperatures and a move that is only know as the Yin Yang Spear, which is where a giant yin yang appears on the ground and the users energy forms a spear like object, which attacks the target, all of these powers are inherent to his clan, though only about one in each generation has the Yin Yang Spear, only because it's that unlikly to gain it.

Weaknesses: The Yin Yang Spear has the potential to kill the user, his healing factor is limited and needs him to replace what he used to heal, his ability to see heat can be over whelmed if there is too much heat and if cold he is effectively blind and for his immunity to cold and heat, if either one is far enough in its temperature then he could be effected by it, but it would take a lot in either direction to harm him.

Goals: To find and defeat his brother Yurei who killed their father and stole a sacred statue that has the power to summon demons.

Motivation: Yurei killed their father and stole a sacred statue that has the power to summon demons.

Role in the Story: He’s the protagonist.

Backstory: Yugo is from the year nine hundred and twenty four and he’s part of a clan that calls themselves the guardians of time, which is pretty much just a clan of time police that uses their powers to travel through time, instead of a machine. His father gave him an amulet that had the picture of a yin yang on it, literally the day before he was killed, by Yurei. The amulet is a set of twelve that is useless when separated, but when together it'll grant the holder ultimate powers. Yurei tortured and killed their father to find out where the amulet was, but he found out that the amulet had an enchantment put on it, that makes it to where if someone stole it, it would kill them.

After that Yurei escaped into another time and then a year later Yurei came back to steal the sacred statue. This time Yugo tried fighting him, but was beaten like he was nothing. After he was defeated by his brother he spent the rest of the day recovering from his injures, which to a normal person it would've token weeks or months to heal. Then he went through the wormhole that was created by Yurei traveling through time. A wormhole only lasts two days most and only a person who has the ability to travel through time can go through it.

And they did send more time traveling ninja after him, in that one year time span that he spent going through time manipulating events to his favor, (He didn't go to his own past, because that could change the past and if you change your own past you can't use your powers to see through time to predict the changes.) He was able to kill them as if it was nothing and I'm not putting down the reason why he doesn't kill Yugo, it'll spoil some of the story, (I kind of want this to get published and I don't want to many of the events in the story to be spoiled.) The reason why they didn't send any more with Yugo is because before he took the statue he attacked his clan, making them unable to do too much. The only reason they even sent Yugo was because he asked to be sent after his brother.

Relevant Tropes: Paying With Fire, Big Eater, Fish Out of Temporal Water , Time Travel, Making a splash, Time Police, Time Master, Ninja, Healing Factor, The Protagonist, a type III Anti-Hero and Highly Visible Ninja, they don’t really wear any ninja clothes at all, but they don’t try to stick to the shadows either. image ineresting

edited 6th Jan '13 1:36:55 AM by David

"We're called the guardians of time" Yugo
[up] I'll try to break down my critique based on the specific parts of the character.

Personality: This... doesn't really tell us anything about his personality. He needs to eat a lot and is unused to the past. Those aren't personality traits. He doesn't murder freely and will help people he comes to along the way. Why? From here, it looks like we're getting a skeleton, not a fully fleshed out character.

Powers and Weaknesses: I'm not going to comment much on this, as I don't know the 'rules' of your setting, not very much about the antagonist(s?) or anything else. I will say that controllable time travel poses a lot of problems to stories in general, but I'll go into more detail when I talk about the backstory. The 'Ying-Yang' spear sounds a bit bizarre, though.

Goals/Motivation: Nothing worth a critique; revenge is a tried and true motivation.

Backstory: Here's where we run in to problems. Why would Yugo's dad give him a amulet which can grant ultimate power? The enchantment on it seems awfully arbitrary. What happens if its owner is killed? Would it count as stealing then? If so, its potential use seems limited, and if that was the case, why not change the restriction to something more selective/preventive/useful?

I'm not sure how time travel works in your universe, but seeing as how you said they do it with their 'powers', why bother with wormholes? Can they be controlled? Is that part of their power?

The limitation on affecting one's past and not being able to see their future doesn't exactly make much sense to me. If you wanted to make it so that no one can alter the past, you might want to go with something more restrictive. After all, is it really a big deal not knowing your future if you make yourself king of the universe?

You say Yugo is smart, but going back to fight his brother after said brother 'beat him like nothing'(as well as other ninjas) doesn't strike me as intelligent. Why don't the other ninjas try to change the past? It seems like most things would be better than a loose cannon wandering through time, gathering the relics of ultimate power, and slaughtering them 'like nothing'. And why does the statue prevent them from moving through time or doing anything? Is it connected to their powers?

I have more questions than things to critique; I apologize if this wasn't very helpful.

PS Why do you call the Guardians ninjas? They don't exactly seem like they do anything particularly stealthy. And unless there's some special reason for them to call them that, it just seems like you tacked it on to make them sound cool.
107 David8th Jan 2013 06:02:30 PM from TV Tropes, duh , Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Yugo Hitatsu
It's more of him not being used to his future, our present and it'll only be the past of those in the future, the future to our present that is.

The amulet needs the other ones to give anyone that power. His family has been guarding that amulet for about two hundred years before it was given to Yugo. His father gave it to him because he needed it to be protected, and he already knew what Yurei was about to do, but couldn't get any of the elders to believe him. They couldn't belie one of their one would betray them. It's use is limited, but that was the whole point in getting it enchanted to begin with and killing hi and then taking the amulet does still count as stealing it, but indirectly removing it and then taking it will make the death slow enough so the one who stole it can give it to someone else. If that happens the one that stole it might be able to live.

the wormholes are more of a way to explain it without going into detail, in story it's never called a wormhole and it mostly can be controled, not everyone can. The one with the most control over time is Ichi, he was so powerful that he could undo physical harm entirely.

And yes not being able to see what the changes that you made in the past did until it's to late can be bad if your set up to becoming the king of the universe happens to get you killed, or something.

Before he didn't use the Yin Yang Spear, which is becouse when he first learned that he could use it his father told him not to use it, because of the side effects being able to cause the users death, that and the fact that angry over rides smarts.

Yes there would be a lot of possible alternate histories that would be better than having Yurei there, but there would also be as many that could be worse.

The statue it's self didn't stop them from going through time, their clan was nearly destroyed their clan and made it where if they went full force their clan could be effectivly wiped out.

If you read the story the ninja part makes more sense. It'll take to long to explain it here, if ypu want you can just inore it, it's not to make him look cool, but it's apart of the story, so I put it down on the Relevant Tropes part and the other part was in someone else's words, if you noticed at the begining I stated I was reposting it.
"We're called the guardians of time" Yugo
[up] I'll try to respond to what you said.

Yeah, the amulet thing doesn't make much sense right now. Why give it such a contrived enchantment? Why not make it so only, say, one person can use it and name their successor? And if the amulet can grant ultimate power, I'd think that would make the clan more paranoid.

So if the wormhole isn't actually a wormhole... why call it one? Sounds more like a temporal disturbance, or shift of time, or whatever. I don't really have a problem with the spear; it's odd, but there are odder powers.

If there are alternate futures where Yurei doesn't go Itachi Uchiha/genocidal on his clan, why don't they just change the past? These are people who presumably have experience with time travel and know the traps and pitfalls of it. If there's a need for a group to protect time from... whatever causes problems for it, wouldn't they make an effort to preserve themselves?

But I think this is getting away from the point of this thread, your protagonist. I still know next to nothing about him, besides him having mystical powers, being unable to use tenses, and he likes eating. Right now, he's just a collection of linked tropes; he comes off as a generic shounen protagonist. If you describe him better and clean up your grammar, I'm sure you'd get more critiques of him.

As for the ninja thing, what 'other part' are you talking about? And if Yugo being a ninja plays a part in the story that will 'take to long to explain', maybe it's worth explaining?

edited 8th Jan '13 7:53:17 PM by Lhipenwhe

109 David15th Jan 2013 12:16:02 PM from TV Tropes, duh , Relationship Status: [TOP SECRET]
Yugo Hitatsu
I never said you couldn't give it to someone, and if you do, since it only protects itselve from being stolen it'll still able to protect itself from being stolen. It also allows one to hold it if given permission from the one who owns it at the time.

If you read my post I said that I only called it a wormhole to keep from having to explain what it was. Most of the people that I know, knows what a wormhole is, but I might have to explain what a temporal disturbance, or shift of time is. They maybe kind of explanatory, but they wouldn't know enough to leave out the explanition, that goes for any other names for it. Not to mention that I never said that it was a wormhole in my story.

I also never said that there are alternate futures where Yurei doesn't go Itachi Uchiha/genocidal on his clan, I said that there could be a lot of possible alternate histories that would be better than having Yurei there, nothing about him not killing his clan, but there could be those too. I also said that there could also be as many alternate histories that could be even worse.

The Only reason they even knew that Yurei was going to attack was because of Yugo's father, who only knew the basics of what was going to happen, meaning that he was going to attack and go after the amulet. Their ability to see into the future is limited, as I stated in the Villain Critique Thread. I'll put the weaknesses down, but edited so it'll fit all of them.

Their ability to see in other times is limited by where and when he veiws, while doing so they can only see, plus there are people able to block things from their vision and it's not as effective when used to see a Hitatsu's future unless it's the users future.

To me that's how I explain someone's personality, the way someone acts, what they do and how they do it. I'm not good at explaining personalities any other way. Not to mention those would be part of someone's personality.

I never said that he suffered from tense trouble. I only put that in there because you said he was from the future when he was really from the past. I've only used Time-Travel Tense Trouble once in my story and it wasn't by Yugo.

I was talking about about when I said time traveling ninja, which was the part I thought that you were talking about. It would make more sense to talk about that being there to make them look cool than the part that are in the Relevant Tropes section, well at least to me.

Before I get into the reason why my characters are ninja, I should explain that I never once stated that they aren't steathy, I mainly stated that they don’t really wear any ninja clothes at all (which means that they don't wear any of those stereotypical suit that people think ninja wear, or anything to indicate that they're ninja, which realistically could make it easier to be steathy,) but they don’t try to stick to the shadows either (Which just means that they don't hide in the shadows.) My character can also sense other people with a higher level in power than a Muggle, I'm only using that word because I don't have any word for them except normal people, since people with powers are still concidered humans in my story. When not hiding from ninja they'll hide in plain sight.

Our history says that people stopped practicing what is called ninjutsu, besides those who found it later and brung it back. In my story they just became more secretive than before. They practiced ninjutsu without any one even knowing that they existed any more. By the twentieth century they became part of curtain governments. While they were part of these governments started a Masquerade, that only ninja, what is called the cleans and very high ups know about. In the twenty first century the Masquerade grew so much that it now has many Redundancies, to keep it from being broken. That's just the short story of how ninja became into the present day and is missing the why, which could be easily explained as to protect the amulets. In My story some of the ninja were protectors of the amulet. Yugo is a member of a clan that was protecting one of these amulets, so they're obviously ninja.

I originally had them ninja before I made Yugo from a time traveling clan, so if anything that was what was added to make them sound cooler. As well, the amulets were in it before it became the reason why ninja were in the present day.

edited 16th Jan '13 11:14:31 AM by David

"We're called the guardians of time" Yugo
110 shiro_okami17th Jan 2013 01:46:37 PM , Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
...can still bite
This one's a twofer, a pair of Love Interests. Only a rough draft, I haven't really completed my thought processes on the story and characters.

Name: Hilda

Age: 18

Personality: A Hot-Blooded Viking shield-maiden, she is the leader of her raiding party. She's somewhat of an Idiot Hero and is also a 'situational' Tsundere, being deredere to her Love Interest, but tsuntsun to everyone else. She is also very fearless, in fact, one of the few things she fears is the Split Personality of her Love Interest (it's complicated).

Abilities: Actually quite strong and muscular, especially considering her larger body frame. She is also an accomplished swordswoman.

Weaknesses: Because of her larger body size and Boobs of Steel, she has some body issues with both and will actually freak out in a manner similar to Edward Elric if anybody calls her "fat".

Goals: Generally finding treasure and being a Viking warrior.

Role In Story: Hero Protagonist. Also, unlike other stories, she is also the viewpoint character.

Backstory: She was brought up as the youngest child and only daughter of a Viking lord with several sons. Her mother suffered Death by Childbirth, and she never got along with her step-mother, so she would always try to be around her father and brothers and ended up growing up a tomboy.

Name: Gunther/'Unter'

Age: 20

  • Gunther is the dominant personality. He is very Keet and kind, preferring to write poetry, picking flowers, or heal wounds rather than handling a sword. However, he is also very dense; Hilda is in love with him, but he is completely oblivious. He is also oblivious for a long time that he has a Split Personality.
  • 'Unter' is the hidden personality. He is summoned whenever Gunther gets into trouble. He is a (literally) Axe-Crazy Blood Knight who enjoys battle. However, he can be surprisingly kind and unselfish at times when others least expect it. He is somewhat of a pervert and is in love (and lust) with Hilda and is also aware that she loves Gunther (and never wastes an opportunity to tease her about that). Hilda is terrified of him. He is also very insightful into other people's thoughts, feelings, and motives.

Abilities: They are very strong and muscular despite being somewhat skinny. Gunther is skilled in medicine and trained as a healer. 'Unter' is a Lightning Bruiser Berserker skilled in slicing enemies with a battle-axe.

Goal: 'Unter' wants revenge on the warrior that killed his family.

Role in story: Love Interest, Staff Chick, The Lancer

Backstory: Gunther has had a Split Personality for as long as he can remember, even before the event the changed his life when he was still a young child. The two personalities used to be alike and were friends who would keep each other company while their body slept (the only time they could interact). But when Gunther's family was brutally killed, one personality refused to take its share of the trauma, forcing the other to bear the brunt of all of it and then alienated and forgot it. The alienated personality became 'Unter', who resented the other personality for what it did, but went along so that as a whole at least one personality could live a normal life without having to deal with the emotional trauma.

Tropes for both:

edited 17th Jan '13 2:33:32 PM by shiro_okami

111 TairaMai18th Jan 2013 09:46:21 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
Gunther/'Unter': the problem with 'split personalities' is the reveal, in Batman: The Animated Series, "Big Bad" Harve became Two-Face, but only after the audience had hints early in the episode. Not a reveal for fans of the comic, but for new fans it was a good way to meet the character.

So 'Unter' would drop hints that he's there. Missing time (Gunther "zones out" and finds chores done, things moved), sometimes he snaps at people and gets all "I don't know why I did that." Latter on there would be a full scene with "Unter" and we'd get the reveal.

Hilda is nice and well rounded...but that I mean I could easily picture her. Go easy on the idiot hero though. The Tsundere can be the scrappy if the tsuntsun aspect is hammed up.
112 TairaMai18th Jan 2013 10:26:39 PM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
In a galaxy, where the United Earth Government has fought a civil war, losing several worlds to the Southern Cross and had a war with the Alien Cay Union, hope rides in a ship called Victory ” *cue theme music*

To go with this character here is my second character:

Name: Captain Mae Craft AE-359

Age: 45 years old, the Bio-Androids created for the United Earth Government have a 200 year life-cycle so she's very young.

Personality: The McCoy, see also revelant tropes

Backstory: The “child” of Alice Craft (genetically modified human) and Mai Taira Craft TA-347 . Mae Craft AE-359 is an experiment in evolving the bio-droids. Her primary parent was the intelligence officer who withheld information at the Battle of The Painted Hills. She was directed to by the V Corps headquarters because they were under cyber-attack by an Southern Cross info-war unit. Mai was indirectly responsible for the loss of 400 troops and bio-droids. It was at the court-martial of TA-347 and ZX-715 that the bio-droids were exonerated. Mai's testimony and the message sent by General Arne “Slim” Lemley directing Mai's unit not to transmit vital information to the 7th Cavalry turned the tide. The general was relieved of command, but the two bio-androids are not on speaking terms.

After the war she met Alice Craft who was working at RRDC's Survival Research Systems branch. Mai was there for tests, Alice had been hired as a data collector. The two became friends, then fell in love. Most legal scholars thought that Earth courts wouldn't recognize the “marriage” until it was discovered that Alice was a genetically modified organism. She was freed from a “transhumanist” fringe group and was living on the RRDC campus after becoming an employee.

Mai Taira Craft TA-347 had many choices to continue her line. RDCC wanted ZX-715 and TA-347 to combine their memories and genetic materials. Gloria refused. Alice Craft volunteered her DNA as an experiment. RRDC's development and programming committee declined at first, but then agreed as a pilot project. The brains of the AE-350 line would be very close to the human brain. Mae AE-359, Jun (AE-360), Averil, (AE-361), Freyja (AE-362), Luna (AE-363), Alan (AE-364), Craig (AE-365), Donald (AE-367), Hayden (AE-368) and Oscar (AE-369) were “born” in RDCC's labs. Mae is the “oldest” in her line. All went to the academy and graduated with honors (Jun, Oscar and Luna scoring “High” and “Highest” honors respectively).

RRDC was pleased that this new line was so successful. They could learn as fast as the other bio-androids, yet could improvise and adapt just like their human programmers. The proctors were impressed with the rapid progress the AE-350 line-siblings made at the Academy. Mae was to be kept for study, but most were sent to the EDF. Despite RRDC's repeated requests, Mae was soon given orders to report for training in the EDF's Ground Forces.

Normally most bio-androids reported to the EDF induction center at the Academy and were rapidly sent to the Ground Forces training center on Earth. Some were designed to serve in space, or they were sent to the Space Forces to fill jobs in the Space Forces that bio-androids have excelled at. Mae chose medicine instead of combat.

The EDF has a medical school for officers, but most of those were either human, or the few races under Earth's jurisdiction. Most of the bio-androids followed the programming given to them by RRDC, they chose infantry, combat service and support or piloting and support jobs in the Space Forces. A few volunteered to be the central computer for some of the largest ships in Earth's fleet. Better than a mere AI, their experience and advanced systems have an excellent track record.

Mae was having none of this. On advice of her mothers and her own “feelings” she desired to make a difference. She chose to practice medicine.

At first, EDF's recruiting command had no idea how to handle this.

Mae was sent into combat medic training. She served with distinction, later becoming an officer and a nurse. Due to her experience and performance, she was given a slot at EDF's Medical Officer Training School. She became a doctor, her graduation attended by Mai-347, Alice Craft (before she passed away) and her line-siblings. She received an award from RRDC's president and the Development and Programming committee. She is aware of her celebrity status. She is forty-five years old, born in the era after the civil-war, she hopes to show that bio-androids can be used for peace. With her mother Alice several years gone, she only has her bio-android mother Mai and her surviving line-siblings. RRDC is looking at the 350 series as the future of the bio-androids. She's aware that she has a lot riding on her, but she looks forward to future. Her mother Colonel Mai Taira Craft and her sister Captain Jun Craft, are Operatives for EDF's Military Intelligence Agency (MIA).


Voluntary Shapeshifting: her mother was a scout/spy model so she can shift her skin to change color and texture and change shape. Her “battle mode” looks like a large blue cat with four eyes. Her “human mode” is a 1.75 meter woman with teal hair, cat ears and a blue bodysuit, on duty she's a woman “wearing” an EDF uniform. She has the blue eyeflash of a bio-android unless she's careful to mask it.

Voluntary Shapeshifting gives her: Morph Weapon, ShapeshifterWeapons including the Blade Below the Shoulder

PhotographicMemory: a required secondary power for a shape shifting cyborg

Swiss Army Appendage: her hands are scalpels, tools or what ever she needs for micro-surgery.

Technopath: can “merge” with technology, she's modified medical devices so she can control them directly. She's turned a laser rifle into a field scalpel/cutter (but it can still function as a rifle).

Cat Girl : with a Cat Smile, the ears, fangs and even purrs! (a cat''s purr has healing qualities)

Warrior Therapist


My Instincts Are Showing : the downside to being a catgirl is hissing when angry, purring when happy....

Cats Are Mean: Played with, while she's friendly to people she likes and knows, she has the aloofness of a cat and the Emotionless Girl traits of her mother and her brutal honesty (see below).

Hates Being Touched: if she doesn't like you or know you personally, do not touch her

And Another Thing...”: her berserk button, one of her instincts is to want direct orders. Her “Ethics and Human Relations” instructor was Major Gloria Whateley ZX-715, a Drill Sergeant Nasty with that as her catch phrase.

BrilliantButLazy/Always Second Best: being told you're special (with some evidence to back it up) has made her slack off on some areas. Sure she studies medicine and works hard in the sick bay, but back at the Academy she did nothing to really stand out from the other students. Bio-androids tend to excel in some way. Some are faster, some more “creative”, others show aptitude for certain jobs. Mae did her best to blend in with her sisters. She passed every test, completed every task but only achieved “Honors” and only after her mothers told her to apply herself. Mae was more interested in arts and science than a career in the EDF. She assumed that RRDC would keep her for research and that she could study cybernetics and biology. Mai wanted her oldest child to stay, but even she knew that the orders would come. Mae chose medicine to stymie the EDF, only to be trained as a medic. She easily passed the tests for a slot at Officer Candidate School. And with the current changes to the UEG's legal codes, she used Loophole Abuse to become a doctor. She's mildly military in a military that's very spit and polish.

Attention Whore: how many bio-Androids and some of her line-siblings see her. Her mothers/creators doted on her.

Stop Worshipping Me: the attention she receives can grate at times.

No Hero to His Valet: how she sees Gloria, how some of the other bio-Androids see her.

Brutal Honesty: She has no use for the social games and little white lies people like to play. Her emotional dampener can kick in at the "worst" times.

Humans Are Flawed: and she's “half-human”....

Doesn't Like Guns: Played with, will not fight unless she's protecting her patients or civilians. She's modified a laser rifle to be a scapel/tool but it can still work as a rifle if she needs it.

Emotions vs. Stoicism: leans toward the emotions, being the McCoy. That's from her (artifical) human mother. From her bio-android mother she gets her tendency to swing more toward the Spock when solving problems. She's trained as a counselor, but her direct method of handling some problems rationally can rub her patients the wrong way. Her rational “machine” nature can fail at the worst times. “It's a feature not a bug” her parents told her.

Blessed with Suck/Cursed with Awesome: she has an “emotional dampener” that is supposed to “turn off” her emotions. It can only work to a certain point. She has a computer's processing power but the time perception of a normal human (unless she wants to use the emotional dampener and not feel anything). With her PhotographicMemory, she has to be careful not to fill her memory with nonsense. Her five senses are boosted and always on. She can dampen them to some extent, but never turn them off. She has to “regenerate”/sleep or she will pass out from fatigue. Sleep is when her memories are consolidated, somethings she forgets/deletes things she needs later. She's a big eater/voltage hog if she pushes her shape shifting powers too far.

Workaholic: Will forget to eat/recharge/regenerate if a patient takes a turn for the worse. Has a good singing voice but hasn't practiced in years...

EMP: this hurts, it can outright kill in large doses and if it doesn't has a nasty habit of giving her shapeshifter mode lock. The UEG's main enemy, the Cay Union loves to employ EMP weapons...

Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: how Mae sees herself around her siblings (especially her sister Jun) , humans and some of the other bio-androids.

Aloof Big Sis: but siblings Jun and Oscar keep trying to open her up...

She believes Humanity Is Insane but that Humans Are Special

JadeColoredGlasses because Growing Up Sucks: she went from the special “child” of loving “parents” to the special research project (doted on by her creators) to being just another machine on the front lines. Even her mother, Mai-347, wanted her to become a soldier. She chose medicine to help people, only to see patients die from disease or battle wounds.

The Comically Serious/Casual Danger Dialogue: Mae's way of getting to her patients and messing with her “favorite proctor” or her superiors.

Sophisticated as Hell/White-Haired Pretty Girl: from her human mother

Rebellious Spirit: From her human mother, she refused to be treated as a “mere machine” nor act like people's idea of one

Unresolved Sexual Tension/Aww, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: ends up falling for not one but two Noble Bigots with A badge. One is an officer who doesn't care for bio-Androids but his logical mind and courage inspire her. The other is just an ambitious social climber who grows to respect her. Blends into Everyone Can See It .

Doctor's Orders combined with No Sympathy: if you don't follow her course of treatment expect no sympathy...(unless you take a turn for the worse and you invoke her Sugar and Ice Personality).

Well Done Daughter: subverted and played strait, her “mom” Alice wanted her to follow her heart. Her “mother”, as an officer in the Earth Defense Force, knew that she would have to join the Force. While they are proud that Mae is in the EDF, Alice wanted Mae to do her best. Mai reminds her oldest daughter of her lackluster performance at the Academy and that RRDC has a lot riding on the success of her line. Coupled with I Want Grandkids from Mai.

Goals/Motivation: Mae chose medicine because she wanted to be different. Since her organic components are a mix of human , animal and artificial human, she feels closer to humans that the other bio-androids. She has more emotions, is more intuitive and is more creative than those “dee-bees” who's brains came out of the lab (or so she thinks). Her creators point out that she's the product of an experiment and they want her to be more independent and “free spirited” (thus making better bio-androids). She chose medicine to prove that she's free and not bound by being a product, a mere machine. Just as her creators hoped she would.

Role in the story: Plays a role similar to Seven of Nine, Data, The Doctor (from ST:VOY), and Melfina, exploring humanity as the ship explores the stars. She's the medic and one of the series narrators, she part of the "Ensemble Cast. Plays into the Relevant Tropes below:

Divine Parentage: of sorts, bio-androids can see their human creators like Gods. Some bio-androids see Mae and her siblings as special. Others see them as just another bio-android variant. This was part of the reason Proctor Gloria Whateley was so hard on Mae. Mae in turn sees this as Unwanted False Faith.

What Measure Is a Non-Human?: She's quick to point out that she's technically half-human, on her “mom's” side. Her bio-android DNA is dominate and she would pass on most of her Transhuman traits to any offspring with a human.

Chromatic Arrangement: She's blue, her sister Jun favors red (orange and yellow) her more “machine like” line-siblings prefer grays and gunmetal (with some color highlights), except Alan, he's green.

Defrosting Ice Queen: played with many times

Uptight Loves Wild: also played with, she's a stubborn artist with a bio ego who likes order and discipline in sick bay.

Embarrassing Nickname: "La Blue Girl”, given to her when she was in medical school after some of the more technophobic students found an old pornographic animated film.

Kuudere: mostly to those she's not familiar with

Not so Above It All: acts like she's above “silliness” but in reality it's just a test to see if people will respect her. She does tow a hard line with the Mass Produced bio-androids, at first.

Robot Girl/Fembot and the Robot Kid of a “human” and her Robotic Spouse.

Robo Family: her mother and her line-siblings

Insistent Terminology: refers to Alice Craft as "mom" and Mai Taira Craft as "mother" (or Colonel Craft when on duty)

Robosexual: her parents, she's open to a relationship with a bio-android, but she wants to see where her heart takes her, see Bi the Way

Doesn't Like Guns and a Friend to All Living Things

Egomaniac Hunter: how she sees her sister Jun, how her colleagues see Mae when she's got a challenging problem in sickbay.

Empathic Healer: complete with purring to lower your blood pressure.

The Last DJ: found her calling in medicine, she may be a Military Maverick but no one dies in her sick bay...

Mildly Military/Military Maverick : dreams of being a scientist or doctor, but all bio-androids are “war material”. Her “dress” emphases her bustline and shapely figure(until her old proctor becomes the new CO). She will do anything for her patients or to save a life.

Made of Iron: played with. Her machine nature can “shut off” her emotions, or she can push herself farther than other bio-androids. But that “emotional dampener” can fail and under that machine is a heart of gold.

Sugar and Ice Personality: Good Is Not Nice, especially if you won't follow her treatment, but she wants to make friends and is very sociable off duty.

Stop Worshipping Me: the media, RRDC, the EDF and anyone with an opinion on bio-androids asks about her. She just wants to do her job. Some of the younger bio-androids see her as a big sister/Cool Big Sis to those who work with her.

Fantastic Racism: Many humans view bio-androids as the last straw, technology has gone too far and a human/bio-android hybrid is dangerous. Many aliens that the UEG encounters view bio-androids as mere machines. The Cay Union has a official policy of destroying any bio-androids on sight as they are “honor-less machines”.

Badass in Charge: but only in sickbay

Red Oni, Blue Oni: the blue Oni to her sister Jun's red.

Expy: blend of the EMH, Dr. Crusher, Data, Seven of nine, her appearance is based on one of the characters of the Witchblade anime. Her mother is a Melfina and Rei expy

Casual Danger Dialogue: again, in sickbay

The Snark Knight: mostly behind her commander's back, but she will stand up to Gloria.

Custom Uniform: bio-androids have a “dress”, how they appear to their human co-workers. Mae “wears” a uniform that seems to highlight her buxom figure. The standard EDF uniform variant for bio-androids tends to be baggy and she claims it makes her look bad.

SuperPowered Robot MeterMaids: is still a qualified combat officer, a shapeshifter and a technopath....who chose to practice medicine

Badass Pacifist/Warrior Therapist : wants to save lives but threaten her patients and the claws come out.

Miles Gloriosus: hates that they seem to infest UEG's flag commands...

Ridiculously Human Robot and The Chick: just don't treat her as a machine or assume that she's too emotional. Plays into her being a Hospital Hottie. She's not above using her Icy Blue Eyes (“My mom gave them to me.”)

Hospital Hottie/ She's Got Legs /Buxom Is Better : she “wears” a form fitting uniform, her default human appearance is buxom but that does come from her human mother.

Brilliant but Lazy (as seen by the other characters): Sure she studies medicine and works hard in the sick bay, but back at the Academy she did nothing to really stand out from the other students. Mae was more interested in arts and science than a career in the EDF. She assumed that RRDC would keep her for research. Mae chose medicine to stymie the EDF, only to be trained as a medic. She easily passed the tests for a slot at Officer Candidate School. Compared to the Academy, OCS was easy, Medical School was hard but she passed. She'll do anything to get out of routine paper work or anything that takes her away from the sick bay.

Screwy Squirrel / Rules Lawyer: push her too far and she won't just get mad, she'll get even.

Shapeshifter Default Form : two, a “catgirl form” and a combat form that is a large blue cat.

Breakthe Haughty : “Little Girl Blue” was her nickname at RRDC. There was bitter irony when the order to report for induction came down, taking her from all she knew. As a medic for the Ground Forces, she's been on missions with a 50% casualty rate. She has a cat's aloofness and a clinical detachment and that emotional dampener. If only fate would stop trying to break them down.

edited 1st Feb '13 7:37:58 PM by TairaMai

113 TairaMai28th Jan 2013 02:53:43 AM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
114 Sharur11th Feb 2013 02:13:38 AM from The Siege Alright , Relationship Status: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Well, I have to say that I like the character concept, in that it's an interesting juxtaposition. The emotional robot...hmm. As you said you have an ensamble cast, with some rotating narrators (incidentally, how frequently do they change and rotate?), I would suggest that your bio-android medic starts out as a completely emotionless, deadpan snarker robot to the outside observer(s) (i.e. the other narrators, unless any of them are family or extremely close friends with her when the story starts), who then realize that she is far more human that they realize. The warm to her, and she reciprocates, kind of like a cat who is wary and arching its back at your pressence, but then calms down, and rubs its self all over your leg...of course, this may just be because I sense a similarity (or potential similarity) between your character and R. Dorthy Wainright of the Big O, an extremely enjoyable character from one of my favorite series.

Anyway, if anyone is still reading this thread, thanks in advance for your help:

Genre: Fantasy, hopefully successfully fusing together epic, heroic, and low fantasy together.

Name: Avedis Stall

Age: 23

Personality: He's the Stoic, he's a Good Shepherd cleric(kind of), and he has serious crisis of faith and self-worth issues.

Backstory: The bastard son of a stable boy of a small and the daughter of a traveling merchant, Avedis had a quiet, if mobile, childhood until he turned ten, and was apprenticed to a chandler. Four years later, he suffered a terrible accident, in which his left forearm suffered horrible chemical and temperature burns, down even to the bone in some places. His master threw him out as useless afterwards, and so Avedis sought refuge in the local monastery, where he was immediately welcomed. He felt at peace there, like he belonged. Three years later, and the continental warlord(described here, bottom of the page: [1] ) began a campaign of extermination against the Burvarr church, including destroying monasteries and slaughtering the inhabitants. Avedis barely escaped with his life, and has spent the last half-decade or so in the wilderness around a small trading town, making a living as a chandler and secret religious leader for the religious in the town. The arrival of a warrior woman from the the Northern Icelands, an enigmatic thief, and plea of distress cause him to leave, searching for a purpose to serve.

Abilities: Here is a great weakness of this character. I don't know what abilities, combat or otherwise, to give him. I'd rather give him some kind of magic, as the other two main characters have none, and it's not enirely rare in the setting. He has a rather high endurance for pain and discomfort. As for non-combat skills, he can make candles extremely skillfully, knows his way rather well around a ropewalk(where rope is made), and is a rather good listener. He also knows how to read, which IS a rare occurance in the setting.

Weaknesses: Avedis is rather reluctant to use violence, although he won't back down from a fight if he feel's it is necessary. He's not naive, but he does refuse to be pragmatic at times, believing it to be the first steps to cynicism and despair. He has a rather low opinion of himself, and will through himself in from of others to protect them, regardless to the cost to himself. He also has a religious tattoo on his left shoulder, marking him to any of the various servants of the warlord who see it as a target for tortuous death.

Goal: Doesn't really have one. His goal is to find a purpose to devote himself to. For the moment, helping his "friends" obtain their goals...his incredibly violent friends...

Purpose in the Story: I have four view point characters traveling together and handing off naration. I'm also trying to have share all the roles of the five-man-band between them. Avedis can be the Big Guy, lacking in finesse, he can be the Smart Guy (knowing how to read and *gasp* suggesting something other than violence), the Heart or Lancer, depending how which approach he's using to dissuade his friends from doing something unnecessarily violent, and when he sees the systematic injustice of his world, he gets to be the Hero, dragging his friends in to help those who can't help themselves.
Nihil assumpseris, sed omnia resolvere!
115 tsstevens11th Feb 2013 05:38:09 AM from Internet, Tasmania , Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
Let's give this a whirl eh?

Name: Jessica Evan

Age: Twenty eight at the time the story takes place.

Personality: Really sweet and caring. A little headstrong. Intelligent and creative. Obsessed with fitness.

Abilities: She's strong the way Korra is physically strong, and is very athletic. She is smart and thinks outside the box.

Weaknesses: She lacks judgment in terms of showing restraint or being more forceful when she needs to be. Jessie can be too open minded to critically judge and she isn't the best at investigating.

Goals: Basically she wants to live in a good society. One where youths weren't committing crime. One where people wouldn't be shot.

Motivation: She's an aboriginal, and a woman. Two things that were thought to be barriers to being a police officer. Jessie would very much like to prove that notion wrong.

Role in the story: At the time the story takes place Jessie is currently concerned with youths who are out and about at night away from home, possibly committing crimes. She is trying to find some way to keep them from starting a criminal life, especially when they are found to be behind assaults and thefts, and claim racial victimization. During this a transsexual prostitute is found murdered and she is part of the investigation to find his killers.

Backstory: Before the police force Jessie had lived on a farm near Swan Hill and was looking at being a cheerleader for division 1 football, after her peers suggested the fact she was aboriginal would be of benefit. The idea sounded fun, but Jessie wanted more out of life than that and thought a career in law enforcement. When she’d brought it up the idea was surprising: Indigenous police officers were more common in the Northern Territory and South Australia than Victoria, and seeing her native heritage as a barrier Jessie trained herself physically and mentally for the job she wanted, in the hopes that whatever obstacles she faced she could overcome. The training did help immensely at the academy. So did her compassionate nature. So did the fact that she was as Australian as anybody on the force, always attending the Anzac Day dawn service out of tradition and celebrating Christmas with shrimp on the Barbie and pavlovas of humongous size, a trait from her black mother and white father from where he served in Phue Duc, Vietnam. Lives with David Taylor, a college student studying biology.

Relevant Tropes:

  • Action Girl: A rather mild case in that early in the story Jessie chases after a youth selling stolen goods before he jumps in a car and slams the door into her, the corner cutting into her ribs.

  • Always Someone Better: A Melbourne based officer named Emily Morgan is her age and already a Senior Detective Constable. Jessie is rather impressed by this and hopes she does well.

  • The Big Girl: Physically she is bigger and taller than women typically are, Jessie is a mix of type two and type five.

  • Brains and Brawn: Jessie is rather physically gifted and studies to have the smarts to back it up.

  • The Conscience: Tries to act as this when compared to the other female officer, who doesn't seem to care as much.

  • Cowboy Cop: Mainly averted, perhaps the worst she does is dress in recovered stolen clothing so she could get close enough to match the crime report before her partner makes the arrest, or she tries to stop a gunman when she has no backup.

  • Establishing Character Moment: Expressing to Dave how she wants to be able to do something about the youths and murder she comes across.

  • Fair Cop: Six feet tall, very athletic, dark skin, freckles, wears twin braids when off duty.

  • Good Is Not Soft:

“Sit.” Bruce was still struggling, even now, as Jessie eased him forcibly into the seat. “You want the cuffs back on?” she asked. When he didn’t answer she thought maybe she would try and settle him down. “I don’t care about your race. If you break the law I’ll stop you.”

“Yeah bullshit you don’t,” Bruce spat, but wisely chose not to make things harder on himself.

“What I do care about is trying to keep you from a life of crime. You may not. I do.”

“Jessie,” Robert tried, thinking she shouldn’t be saying this.

“How do you think your mother would feel, if you ended up inside?” Jessie stepped back, folding her arms. “It might not matter to you but I’m going to try and not let that happen. But you have to help us.”

  • Nice Girl: Seriously. After she's accused by a arrested youth he's only targeted because he's black and goes off at Jessie helping the 'pigs' she still looks at ways to try and keen him from jail.

  • Punch-Clock Hero: While concerned about trying to help those she comes across as a police officer Jessie takes Dave's advice and try not to think about it when off duty.

  • Wide-Eyed Idealist: Genuinely wants to help, and has difficulty seeing that for some they are either beyond help or she should not bother. Jessie also thinks highly of the police force and gets upset if they cannot live up to the ideal.

edited 11th Feb '13 5:45:22 AM by tsstevens

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I need a drink
I really like her! Shes the kind of cop I would like to see in real life and I would gladly root her on.

Name: Pt. Alan Mars

Age: Twenty-six at the time the story takes place. Twenty-four during flashbacks.

Personality: Prior to the events of the story he was outgoing, brash and happy-go-lucky. During the story proper he has since become more introverted, distant, mildly cynical/jaded and angry.

Abilities: Physically fit, possesses military training, competently skilled mechanic and motorcyclist. Intelligent, loyal and protective of his friends and family.

Weaknesses: Mental unstability (brought on by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is later exacerbated as the story progresses). Also suffers from low self-esteem issues stemming from the loss and replacement of his left arm with an augmented implant. Still retains a soldier mentality. As the story progresses he becomes increasingly addicted to Triptozine, an experimental anti-depressant.

Goals: To just get better

Motivation: To take regain some semblance of a normal life again and to discover the truth Role in the story: When the story first starts, Alan simply wants to regain some mental clarity and maybe work through his experiences during his tour of duty and accept himself in his present state. As the story moves forward though, Alan wants to find out what happened while he was in the army and why he can’t remember it. He also wishes to protect his friends and family from a growing gangwar.

Backstory: Alan was just another grunt. Sure, he was smarter than the average jarhead, but its not like he really applied himself. He just wanted to be a marine, be a big hero like in the movies he grew up with. Then the incident happened. One second you’re driving down this dustbowl of a road, the next you’re in hospital with your arm gone and most of what were your innards on a tray next to you. With no memory of how it had happened, Alan was patched up with an implant, some new ribs and organs and was sent home with a pension and honorable discharge. Yep, home; where a nation of dissatisfied john q publics and self righteous college students took your reputation and all your sacrifices and spat on ‘em. It wasn’t long till a veterans biker gang, The Cannons took Alan in and gave him a home and some purpose.

Relevant Tropes: Still working on them.

edited 12th Feb '13 2:40:26 AM by AtomJames

Theres sex and death and human grime in monochrome for one thin dime and at least the trains all run on time but they dont go anywhere.
117 tsstevens11th Feb 2013 06:02:28 AM from Internet, Tasmania , Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
Ah, of course, beg your pardon.

I'm going to really try and be honest here. I very much like to be positive but there may be things I do need to critique. I'm not sure about making your character The Stoic. I think that has become a bit of a cliche and the audience might find them boring. I do like the idea of a having a crisis of faith and self worth issues. When you say kind of do you mean he's not really a cleric, not really good or both? I think either or or both could work well. To your credit the backstory might be trite and cliched but reading it I didn't feel it sounded trite and cliched. I genuinely was interested in picturing what happened to him , how he would be in the monastery, this warlord you speak of. I'd like to read further and know what motivated this.

I find it novel how you invert the gender roles in a fantasy setting where the female character is the Action Girl and could play the lead role where Avedis might be more in the background.

If you're struggling with what strengths to give your character, what about the idea of making Avedis be able to draw people, make them do things they normally wouldn't do? Between him and this warrior woman they might give people the courage to stand up to this warlord. With the weaknesses I can see Avedis becoming more cynical and pragmatic as the story progresses and this could serve as one of the conflicts of the story in that he loses himself, or finds himself, or abandons or stays true to who he is.

I think it's fine to have a character to initially not have a goal however I think there needs to be some direction, some destination in mind as the story progresses.
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118 TairaMai11th Feb 2013 06:35:55 AM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
[up]So Beautiful It's A Curse, a quiet deconstruction, I submit this for your consideration.
119 tsstevens11th Feb 2013 07:16:42 AM from Internet, Tasmania , Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
That certainly is very interesting and I'm certainly taking it on board with how it might apply to my character, if that's what you were referring to. If you were thinking more as a discussion on the idea itself then I'm certainly reading through it with both in mind. I'll just cover a bit on how it might fit Jessie as it's quite late and I do want to very much go into detail over both the deconstruction itself and if that's where you were going how it might apply to Jessie.

When I first saw it for some reason I thought of Eliza Dushku who had fan letters and photos from death row inmates and requests for adult photos and art, and suffered from this trope. Jessie is physically and personally attractive, there's no getting around that, but while I might not have thought about such an idea before I'd like to think it's something that wouldn't happen.

With how people react to Jessie, well there are people who are put off by her wanting to help others. Bruce Maynard might seem like an example, but that's more a case of he was caught doing the wrong thing and is outraged at being held accountable for it. It could be Robert, Peter, Gary or Glenn conducting the interview and Bruce would be just the same. Enrica, the other female officer, does take her job seriously but Jessie's more committed to helping others, she doesn't show that the job gets to her as much perhaps and that causes conflict.
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120 TairaMai11th Feb 2013 07:43:11 AM from El Paso Tx , Relationship Status: What is this thing you call love?
rollin' on dubs
For every amazon chaser there are those who jump to the wrong conclusions. Or that poor Jessica might have a moment of weakness and say "Sure I'll use my looks just this once".

Always Someone Better: What if there was a rookie cop who looked at jess and said "You are in my way."

Commander Shelby wanted Riker's job on the Enterprise-D in Star Trek: The Next Generation. This happened when the freakin' Borg were invading. Shelby and Riker were on the same side even.

Shelby tames her ambition and Riker finds that yes, he's ready for the big chair.

Jess should be tested. Emily Morgan or someone similar should challenger her. A big bad should test her. A cowboy cop should force her to draw a line.
121 Sharur11th Feb 2013 04:56:17 PM from The Siege Alright , Relationship Status: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Thank you for review. Firstly, if you want to know more about the warlord, I did include a link to the Villain Critique Thread, where I did a similar write-up for him.

Also, I had a few follow-up questions for you if you don't mind (or anyone else for that matter): -Is it still to cliche if he's only the stoic in comparison to his group(the warrior is a Bloodknight Cuckoolander, due to her culture's Blue & Orange Morality compared to everyone else's, the mage who comes later is a Genki Girl Pollyanna, and the thief is lazy, self-centered, sees no problem with making pacts with powerful unknown magical creatures, has a large list of people he is determined to kill and generally wants to kill most every authority figure as a result)?

-In answer to your question, he is not a real Burvarr cleric (and though generally meeting the Good Shepherd trope, especially in his actions, he doesn't think of himself as "good" either, see: self-worth issues), in any real sense. His stay at the monastery was never considered by anyone to be a permanent joining, i.e. becoming monk, like in our world. There, going to a monastery is more of a (relatively) brief spiritual retreat to find oneself, one's faith, etc., and then rejoin the world. Would it be better to explain this difference straight up, or to let it out bit by bit later?

-I was thinking of giving him some healing magic abilities eventually, for both functional storytelling reasons (i.e. so the characters can get hurt, lending drama and importance, but don't just "shrug off" wounds) and because I find healing to generally be the tell-tale "good-guy" magic. In order to balance things out, the price he pays for healing someone is temporary aging. For example, if you had a gash on your arm, he could lay his hand on it, it heals, he instantly ages a decade or two, and then slowly gets younger until he reaches his age, taking about the better part of a day to do so. Is this a good idea? Are there any other magics/abilities I could give to him?
Nihil assumpseris, sed omnia resolvere!
122 tsstevens12th Feb 2013 04:29:34 AM from Internet, Tasmania , Relationship Status: She's holding a very large knife
For every amazon chaser there are those who jump to the wrong conclusions.

Of course there is. In this case one part of the story I haven't written yet might be some of the youths Jessie brings in insult her based on that. Perhaps to the point where she decides not to bother helping them. That might be an idea worth looking at.

''Or that poor Jessica might have a moment of weakness and say "Sure I'll use my looks just this once".

I haven't envisioned Jessie doing this as it's not in her character. One idea might be for some other characters to think Silly Rabbit, Idealism Is for Kids! and for Jessie to show that she is genuinely like that. Maybe it's something that might have consequences down the road...she helps a youth avoid prison time only for them to do much worse when she could have dealt with them before. However she hasn't worked a case like this before. She hadn't have to deliver a death notice or interact with sex workers before, and that is something that is off putting partially because of the idea that they are in that line of work to try and make money (the idea that some are genuinely happy in doing so and how this deconstruction you brought up might apply to them is certainly something we could look at investigating,) she wants to be able to help everyone and knows that she can't. A mild case of Chronic Hero Syndrome perhaps. Might she burn herself out trying to be Supergirl? Dave who she lives with is not more cynical perhaps but more realistic, more pragmatic, he knows that not everyone can be saved maybe better than Jessie and it might be worth looking at whether it would be corrupting her ideals to not think that way or if trying to live up to them is worth the stress and pain.

Yes...yes...one of the common complaints with the law is why criminals are not stopped when the police or the courts have the chance. With Jessie and I'm sure others such as social workers, judges, magistrates and the like is because they genuinely want to help this person because a prison sentence would mean they're stuck as a criminal for life. Compounding the issue is the matter of aboriginality, particularly at the moment there's concern of the high number of Indigenous criminals and trying to find ways to help them avoid punishment, at the same time there's criticism over special treatment because of their race. That's not a criticism, that's fact, and in case anyone wondered if it was a racial thing most of the villains in the story are white, a couple just happen to be aboriginal and that makes things more difficult. Except if or when Jessie does put them back on the streets it comes back to bite her. That might be an idea to play around with.

Always Someone Better: What if there was a rookie cop who looked at jess and said "You are in my way."

Something like that does happen but it's not based on that. I think it's early enough in the story not to be spoilers. After the police figure out Paul worked as a prostitute Jessie and Enrica go to a brothel about it (their detective thought it would be better for a woman to talk to them) and Jessie offers witness protection. By rights she shouldn't have done that, it's not her place. However a bit further in the story Enrica attends the matter of a youth who is being victimized, she's right put off when he's a lot more intelligent than she thinks and he has her back right off when she questions what he did to defend himself. Wanting the matter over and done with she remembers Jessie thought of witness protection and as well as suggesting he avoid town suggests a restraint order. Except the police can't help with that and she is really pestered about it, so she blames Jessie for it. Jessie does have a reply to it but that's further on in the book. She does crack a bit.

Jess should be tested.

Oh she will be. Don't you worry about that, and it might not be in the way you think.

Emily Morgan or someone similar should challenger her.

At the moment Emily is mentioned in regards to how she could just go 'snap' and solve the case, but the Melbourne based detective (Jessie operates out of Geelong, maybe an hour and a half train ride away) is currently involved in a corruption investigation and is unavailable. When she is (she's slated to help out in a kiddy porn investigation in a proposed second book) I see them as being quite similar, with Emily perhaps fitting more of the ideas you are thinking of, play around with the Broken Ace a little, but there's no reason Jessie couldn't think she needs to be better and try, fail, try, fail, projecting long term. Emily might even put her onto doing that, saying Jessie should step up.

A big bad should test her.

Being a realistic crime story there isn't a Big Bad as such. There are the youths she tries to help and they will certainly test her. The closest to a Big Bad early in the story would be Paul's killer, and there's nothing written like where he or she stalks Jessie or anything like that. For Jessie the test is more about trying (and failing) to help people, and how stressful that can be for someone who is as morally centered as Jessie tries to be.

A cowboy cop should force her to draw a line.

None of them about here, at least initially. There is something late in the second story that's far far away if it even happens where a younger officer shoots and kills a pedophile, in circumstances where he quite likely didn't have to. So there's your Cowboy Cop idea, does Jessie think he was an Asshole Victim and Constable Cage is an earnest young man to be protected, or does she hold him accountable regardless? What's the right answer? Might the idea of blackmail or the suggestion of blackmail crop up?

''I really like her! Shes the kind of cop I would like to see in real life and I would gladly root her on.’’

Thank you. Let’s have a look at your character here. How long would Alan be in the service? In two years he’d probably be higher than a Private, though military ranks might move at the same rate as police ranks and in that case Corporal would be four years.

Reading his personality I immediately get the picture that has come up a bit in war stories that being in combat changes people. Post traumatic stress?

Yep, called it. I don’t want to say it’s a cliché, it’s certainly a story that we have seen before, It's Been Done, but just because it has been done doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it again. I think you change the recipe so to speak in that this is after the fact and you are dealing with how he is now rather than seeing this change as the story progresses. We have the destination, so now we get to see the journey that has brought us here.

Rather than do something like Call of Duty: Black Ops and have Alan still in the military you have the plot of him trying to get better. I remember James Rolfe praised the second Psycho film for Norman Bates trying to fit into normal society, and the first Rambo film had much the same plot. I think if he became dependant on drugs or medication he would be booted out of the military, when I discussed a character who had a drug history those who were meant to be experts went berserk.

I think the idea of Alan wanting to protect his family from a gang war is novel, you can have him look at things from a military viewpoint that you couldn’t in normal life. I also find it novel that we have some big build up to him ending up this way being because of war but instead we have something very different but no less traumatic. I’m not sure if we have seen much of the resentment people might have for the military, especially at home. There would be ill feeling towards things like The War on Terror and if Alan lost his career because of a motorcycle accident then there would be the issue of him being washed up. But somehow I think there is more to the story, I get the idea that he ended up the way he did because of something else and we are going to have our expectations raised about some war or battle, then we learn about the motorcycle accident and think that’s it, then we get something else. I’d certainly be interested in how this bikie gang works in the story especially when you take into account the code and how these guys are vets. They don’t strike me as the go to villains in this story, and to have a motorcycle club who is just that, a motorcycle club, not the Hells Angels or Sons of Anarchy but more the Patriot Guard, that I wouldn’t mind seeing.

'' @tsstevens, Thank you for review. Firstly, if you want to know more about the warlord, I did include a link to the Villain Critique Thread, where I did a similar write-up for him.’’

Sure. Let’s have a look here. What I like is how you take a standard stock character who could well just come across as For the Evulz which would work well enough because you could not have attention on the villain or merely focus on the threat he poses, and you use this idea of conflicting demons that make him Ax-Crazy. I’m not sure if you are familiar with the story of Jesus and the man whose body was racked by demons but maybe that could be one idea, depending on how supernatural or biblical you want to be.

‘’ Also, I had a few follow-up questions for you if you don't mind (or anyone else for that matter): -Is it still to cliche if he's only the stoic in comparison to his group(the warrior is a Bloodknight Cuckoolander, due to her culture's Blue & Orange Morality compared to everyone else's, the mage who comes later is a Genki Girl Pollyanna, and the thief is lazy, self-centered, sees no problem with making pacts with powerful unknown magical creatures, has a large list of people he is determined to kill and generally wants to kill most every authority figure as a result)?’’

First just because it’s a well worn trait doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it. However I do think it should be given something new so that if you were to do a story of a angry superpowered woman people will not think of the Underworld films or the Resident Evil films or Bloodrayne. But if you would like to use a stock character or trait and it’s not going to be just the stock character or trait then you very much are going to slide by without hitting the cliché button.

‘’ -In answer to your question, he is not a real Burvarr cleric (and though generally meeting the Good Shepherd trope, especially in his actions, he doesn't think of himself as "good" either, see: self-worth issues), in any real sense. His stay at the monastery was never considered by anyone to be a permanent joining, i.e. becoming monk, like in our world. There, going to a monastery is more of a (relatively) brief spiritual retreat to find oneself, one's faith, etc., and then rejoin the world. Would it be better to explain this difference straight up, or to let it out bit by bit later?’’

I think it’s more classical to have this come out in dribs and drabs as the story progresses, and doing it that way seems to work well. You could hint at this early in the story, then reveal more as it goes on and finally the truth comes out. You could have it all come out at the beginning but that might kill some of the drama in people taking him for a cleric when he never claimed he was, if you go in that direction.

‘’ -I was thinking of giving him some healing magic abilities eventually, for both functional storytelling reasons (i.e. so the characters can get hurt, lending drama and importance, but don't just "shrug off" wounds) and because I find healing to generally be the tell-tale "good-guy" magic. In order to balance things out, the price he pays for healing someone is temporary aging. For example, if you had a gash on your arm, he could lay his hand on it, it heals, he instantly ages a decade or two, and then slowly gets younger until he reaches his age, taking about the better part of a day to do so. Is this a good idea? Are there any other magics/abilities I could give to him?’’

That sounds like a novel idea, but reading it through I remember the Spawn story where if he uses his powers to fight evil he drains them and if they are drained completely he loses his sole, so he must allow evil to prosper. What might work better is if you slow it down and don’t have him age physically, but if he uses his powers then the aging cannot be reversed or can be at great expense and if he goes past what he can live (seventy five years, ninety or a hundred or something if his current state is very good) he dies. That might help in creating drama. As for other magic and abilities, I’ll leave that to you.

edited 15th Feb '13 8:33:33 AM by tsstevens

Official Australian XBOX magazine. Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, 6/10. WWE 2K16, 7/10
123 Ralanr12th Feb 2013 03:07:13 PM from My deep imagination
I hate my ADD Meds
@Tsstevens- No offense but I think I'll make my comment on Atom_James character because I'm not sure if you are in a conversation about your character or if you are describing your character right there.

So from what I can tell of your character (And correct me if I am wrong) he is someone who had started to lose some idealistic views on the world? Sounds interesting.

Ok Here I go!

Name: Drake Eckard

age: 17

Personality: He is more introverted due to how people tend to react around him, he is also a bit of a coward when it comes to a lot of things. But he is an honest person that tries his best when he believes he is doing the right thing and he tries to not let down the people he cares about (cliche I know). Also spooks easily early in the story.

Abilities/powers: Before awakening- Good at moving around unnoticed, pick pocket, some free running skills, good at cooking. After awakening: Like most others he learns how to fight with his aura, has some flight and wind manipulation, later on he will learn to make hard light with his aura and merge with his aura which can allow for a bunch of crazy stuff (this will be later on, but imagine super stretch powers with shapeshifting). Fear Pheromones. High healing ability (does not grow limbs back or stop from blood loss)

Weaknesses: Low confidence and fear of his own abilities after a time, loss of control, and the usually cutting off head along with destroying the body entirely. Blood loss also works well. Removing of the heart (not destroying). Still a bit of a coward in many other aspects.

Goal: Figuring out just what his role is in the world his has been pushed into. Finding his mother, controlling his powers, and to maybe make True Companions.

Motivation: What keeps him going changes from time to time. Currently it is him trying to find out where his mother is. Though it may evolve into his friends will keep him going after he accepts the world he lives in (not the best but I am working on it).

Backstory: Drake was a lonely person growing up, at first it wasn't by choice but it slowly evolved into that because everything from people to animals seemed to run away from him even when trying to help them. When he got too close to people for too long they would end up snapping and cause him to be beaten. He learned to be a pickpocket to help his mother to pay the bills of their apartment. He was always happy around his mother but she wasn't around enough because she had to work two jobs. Drake had never learned about his father and after a while he started to not care about, he grew accepting of living life as he was. That was until two men in strange armor attacked him one day.

Relevant Tropes: Not enough time for it!

So yeah that is my character.

My Deviant art profile,
A plea for attention, cause I am bored
124 Alma13th Feb 2013 01:42:59 PM from Coruscant , Relationship Status: You cannot grasp the true form
The Harbinger of Strange
Hm... There seems to be a gap between the person that your character is (shy, cowardly) and the person that his powers allow him to be. Was that intentional? Is it a sort of superhero origin story in which the shy nerdy type is bestowed with great power?

Name: Sorgo

Age: In his 30s. This puts him nearer to the end of his life than a human, as members of his race are designed to die at age 50. Otherwise, he would be considered very young, as Cel naturally live for hundreds of years.

Personality: Sorgo has lived much of his life without much personality at all—at least, none that wasn't provided for him. He was tank-grown and programmed to be the perfect, obedient soldier. He was cold, disciplined and ruthless, and yet that wasn't really what he was—it was what the Protectorate was, and which had been merely lent to him. He was, in reality, a blank slate.

His first experiences with developing his own personality scared, confused and angered him, but the circumstances forced him to be mellow, and thus he learned to hide and suppress his emotions, to keep a straight face.

Eventually, Sorgo abandons the Protectorate and meets the Peacekeeper, who encourages him to "return to his roots" and remember what his people were like before they were enslaved by the Protectorate. Although the Protectorate teaches its soldiers to be self-reliant, he finds true independence and freedom difficult. He often defers to the judgement of the Peacekeeper, who gently encourages him to make his own decisions.

He is the classic strong but silent. To begin with, he is merely cognizant of morality, without understanding its relevance, but later develops a strong code of honour and a belief in justice, while retaining the cold logic implanted in him by the Protectorate. This enables him to set aside his moral code and make the hard decisions. However, the Protectorate has left a mark on him that cannot be erased. He can be insensitive and unfeeling. He is capable and brave, but he's unlikely to find love or permanent friendship, as those things require a depth of feeling he lacks. Respect and understanding is the most he has to offer.

Abilities: (What is it that makes him a threat?) His size relative to other aliens in the galaxy—Cel are on average more than 13 feet tall. His training as a soldier and relevant combat and strategic skills. He has medical nanomachines which can immediately repair any injury sustained and even perform microsurgery to reattach severed limbs, including his head.

Weaknesses: His size can also work to his disadvantage. Because he is so large, smaller beings can annoy him and wear him down—a tactic often used by smaller aliens fighting Cel troops. While not exactly naive, his inexperience with freedom and independence may mean he is easy to manipulate and influence. His implants make him somewhat susceptible to electrical attacks.

Goals: Sorgo's ultimate goal? To survive. The war between the Kizerists and the Protectorate threatens the entire galaxy—otherwise, it would suit him to let them destroy each other. His secondary goals are to demolish the Protectorate and achieve freedom for the Cel and all other alien races under the Protectorate's heel.

Motivation: At first, simple loyalty to the Protectorate drives him, then a desire to keep the residents of his colony safe and in line. After he meets the Peacekeeper, he becomes motivated to destroy both the Kizerists and the Protectorate, one which seeks to destroy his race and the other to culturally sterilize them and poison them with its dogma.

Role in the story: Prior to meeting the Peacekeeper, he is the public guard chief of Cyth 4 Colony Dome 3, a role akin to both police chief and mayor. Afterwards, he becomes a rebel leader underneath the Peacekeeper and a soldier in a dual war against the Protectorate and the invading Kizerists. He may or may not have a past connection with the Kizerists' leader.

Backstory: Sorgo, like all Cel, was tank-bred. His parents were chosen from an underground cache of natural-born Cel kept in stasis as genetic donors—he never met them. In the tank, he was programmed with all the necessary information to make him the Protectorate's ideal soldier and taught to never stray from the template.

Sorgo served the Stellar Army with distinction until his sex change. Because Cel males are rare in what is a pro-female hermaphroditic race, they are considered valuable and in need of protection—females are automatically discharged if they turn. Sorgo, like most men in his situation, was confused and angry. He resisted the adaptational therapy and testing provided for discharged men at first, but mellowed out when he realized he would be put in a dangerous or unpleasant job if he didn't comply. He managed to pass his tests with good scores and was made a public guard, eventually ascending to the rank of chief. He was respected and liked.

Everything changed when one of the Cyth colonists was found dead in his home, posed in a ritualistic fashion. Murder is unheard of among the Cel, who have been conditioned against virtually all crime, and Sorgo is bamboozled. The investigation takes him to Torge, the secondary capital of the Protectorate and the home world of the Cel.

While there, the Protectorate is invaded by the Kizeric Army, crushed by a surprise attack. The Protectorate, though powerful, has never actually had to defend its territory before, due to being the first interstellar state in the galaxy, and for various reasons isn't up to the task.

Sorgo manages to escape Torge and eventually finds his way to the hideout of the Peacekeeper, a revolutionary who opposes the Protectorate. The Peacekeeper reveals to Sorgo some awful truths about the Protectorate and brings him over to the side of the rebels. He becomes one of their leaders and, slowly but steadily, begins to fight back against the Protectorate and the Kizeric Army. But there's more to the situation than Sorgo can even fathom...

Relevant Tropes: Humanoid Alien, Badass Longcoat (while a public guard; he keeps it afterward), somewhat of a ThousandYardStare (Sorgo is known to often be deep in thought and staring ahead, with piercing, authoritative eyes), Rebel Leader, Good is Not Nice. While he struggles with the mushy stuff, he genuinely cares about others, in particular the rebels fighting alongside him.
You need an adult.
125 Ralanr13th Feb 2013 01:54:50 PM from My deep imagination
I hate my ADD Meds
[up] I think it is more so that I'm not the best at character development (Hell a lot of stuff I haven't written yet) but I guess I could go with the idea that he will have to change and adapt quickly if he wants to survive.

My Deviant art profile,
A plea for attention, cause I am bored

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