Funny: The Nostalgia Critic 2011 Episodes
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The Neverending Story 3
- The Critic asking the Nostalgia Chick to help him review the sequel. Her incredibly terse response sells it, especially against the Critic's long build-up to asking her.
- The Critic talking about how the Nostalgia Chick volunteered to review the first film with him...whilst showing footage from the first review of her repeatedly smashing his head into a desk.
- Critic: Come back! He was going to sing a two-minute song about eating you!
- In response to the poacher letting Budgie fall to her doom by disconnecting the cars: "There go half of my animals!" *pauses, then realizes how bad an idea that was*
- YOU JUST SAVED US A MOVIE!
- The extremely dark sequence of various whimpering animals in cages and getting gassed interspersed with Pips and his friends screwing around at the carnival. The highly inappropriate Ear Worm that plays and the Critic dancing along only serve to sweeten the pie.
- Immediately followed by this little gem when the "protagonists" finally realize that they're supposed to be doing something and doze off.
Critic: Ehh, maybe the answer will come to me when I snooze.
Dream bubble: GO AFTER THE FUCKING BABIES!
- The return of the "The End" title card.
- "Is this what you humans call ADD? I feel like I can't focus on anything...ooh, a housefly."
- Patton's speech.
- The scene demonstrating how the fairies fly. Bonus points for the The Angry Video Game Nerd reference.
- The Critic miming what the poacher could have done to get Budgie off his truck.
- The ending:
"So! What's the next movie gonna be?"
DVD of The Secret of Nimh II: Timmy To The Rescue appears
- The over-the-top reaction of the mother kangaroo.
Wow. That was like the kangaroo version of Platoon
Mother Kangaroo: (in slow motion) MY BAAAABYYYYY!
("Adagio for Strings" starts playing, while Sgt. Elias's famous pose is superimposed over the kangaroo's similar animation.)
- This unexpected use of a Running Gag:
Budgie: Who... what are you?
Pips: A fairy, of course!
- This little gem towards the end of the review:
Budgie's Grandfather: *in response to Budgie accidentally pulling down his trousers* Uh, this is no time to be practicing our act, Budgie!
...'Kay, I don't want to know what kind of act
to pull his
The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue
- The Nostalgia Critic gearing up in SWAT Armor before reviewing the movie.
Critic: "BRING IT ON!!"
- Being a very obvious reference to the gearing-up scene in Hot Fuzz makes it even funnier.
- The Critic's commentary, and performances, on the poor writing. Mainly, why Timmy is being pressured by the rest of the characters into being like his father because of a claimed prophecy (that the movie fails to explain), when he has shown no evidence that he's a fit for it in the slightest.
Critic as Joseph: "Now Jesus, you know your mother and I are very, very proud of you." *pause* "But if it's at all possible, do you mind dying for our sins?"
*Jesus stares shocked*
Joseph: "Just askin'! Just askin'!"
- Saying the background scenery during the Villain Song looks like "Candyland if it was designed by Charles Manson in the same asylum (the movie writers were)".
- Comparing the Valley's encouragement on Timmy to Hogwarts, and how their own messiah, Harry, turned out great.
- "Ma'am, I answered your question; I answered the darn . . . I'm cooperating here and there's no . . . we're doin' all we can."
- The Critic's reaction to the twist of Martin, Timmy's brother, being the Big Bad at NIMH. It's not very often when the Critic is left at a loss for words. But the real kicker of that whole sequence is the fact that said twist was REALLY written by Dr. Insano and Dr. Smith teaming up for SCIENCE!.
- The both of them bursting into maniacal laughter.
- Dr. Insano getting so crazy from laughing that he bangs his head repeatedly on the computer notebook keyboard.
- And Spoony's outtake at the end: he breaks character and deadpans (while laughing), "Man, I'm gonna regret that some day!"
- This little gem that leads up to it all:
Timmy: Jenny, look. What happened to them?
Jenny: He's turned the humans into dogs!
- Culminating with Timmy and the Brain.
Timmy: Gee Martin, what are we going to do tonight?
Nostalgia Critic (as Steve and Julie Bernstein):
They're Timmy and The Brain, yes Timmy and The Brain. One is a genius, and also insane!
. To take over the world, they'll butt-rape this sequel. They're wimpy they're Timmy and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain.
- This little exchange:
Jenny: "And that's for being so evil!"
- The Critic is so mad that yes, he destroys the DVD again. But this time, he gets the friggin' Death Star to blow it up.
- This at the very end:
Care Bear: Did somebody say 'care'?
*!! *Cue Care Bears intro over end credits*
- AND WHERE THE FUCK IS MRS. BRISBY'S STATUE???
- Regarding Nicodemus's prophecy: "No, no he didn't. You just made that up."
Nicodemus: We know too much.
- "We see Timmy and his brother Martin riding each others nuts..."
- "Key on, key off; key on, key off..."
- When one of the rats scolds Timmy for thinking he knows better than everyone else:
Care Bears Movie 2
- The proposed alternate title to reflect the subtitle "A New Generation":
- DEVIL SAGE!.
- Also his soul infomercial.
- "Maybe Pinocchio had the same backstory."
Pinocchio: I'm a real boy! I'm a real boy! *demonic snarl*
- The bit with the three Wise Men.
Wise Man: "Aww, we thought it was something else."
- The Critic noting how the Bears could solve the problem of Darkheart's trickery by simply ignoring Christy, and his enactment.
"DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU!"
*runs off-screen right*
"OH MY GOD A BAG!"
- The ending. Sage proceeds to erase the Critic's memories of all the horrible sequels he had to review when he suddenly stops to say the whole thing is just a cheap costume and an act. But changes his mind when the Critic mentions how he'd do anything. Sage eventually makes him process his money into his Paypal account, and makes him fall off a cliff!
Sage: ...Huh. Maybe I am the Devil.
- The Critic thinking that Darkheart was channeling Christopher Walken:
Darkheart: "Time for a game. Of disappearing. Bears."
- The Super Metroid reference in the escape scene.
- "Feel free to leave now guys, the movie's over. The theaters were just really serious about the ninety minute minimum, and we had to fill it out somehow. I mean, it's just going to keep doing this for another few minutes...see?"
- I BELIEVE IN SANTA CHRIST!
Sorry, force of habit.
I know the feeling.
- This bit:
"This is a lot like those Twilight
- TASTE THE HOLY RAINBOW OF AWESOMENESS, MOTHERFUCKER! TASTE THE HOLY RAINBOW OF AWESOMENESS!!!
- Darkheart laying an egg.
- As Darkheart is describing a deal, which involves someday, sometime doing him a favor, The Godfather Waltz starts up in the background.
- "Is this really a Care Bear related matter? I mean ,it's not like she doesn't care that she's in the canoe."
- The Critic pointing out how silly it is that despite the fact that Darkheart is essentially the ultimate evil, he nearly drowns at one point.
Critic: (as the Star Narrator) "What's that? He hit his head on a canoe and drowned? *Beat* Huh. I can't believe we were actually afraid of this guy. Well, let's break out the peppermint schnapps.
Dungeons And Dragons
- The Wayans Wheel.
- The Quacking Choir and its encore.
- "By the way, you have something on your...err..."
"By the way, you have something on your LIP!!"
- "I'm healing you"
- Over-Acting vs. Under-Acting!!!
- "And so they go to the guild of thieves led by Riff Raff...."
Xilus: "Have you heard of the, Antius Guild Maze?"
- "There can be only ONE bald over-acting character in this movie!!"
- The Dr. Insano School of Acting, complete with photoshopped Insano goggles and a sound clip.
- Arguably the clip that prompts that joke is just as funny, if not moreso:
Profion: YOU CAN RUN, YOUR LADYSHIP, BUT YOU'LL NEVAH RUN FAR ENOUGH!!!!
- The commercial for the Profion heartburn medication. "Side-effects may include over-acting, mugging, and the inability to pick good movies."
- Profion's Christmas card.
"Season's greetings from Profion and Baldy. Please don't ask why his lipstick is smeared."
- The Jerry Lewis bit. You know the one.
- "Oh my god, there was waaay too much ham in that actor."
- "I think they got this dragon on loan from ''How to Train Your CGI Artist".
- The world cheering Snails' death.
- The critics interpretations of Jeremy Irons increasingly hammy acting
(upon seeing a swamr of Red Dragons heading their way) "My~ DESTINY!!!"
"Oh, I just shit my pants. Wait...wait, I can work with it! My character WOULD shit his pants! Yes...YES! AHAHAHAHA, I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!! AHAHAHAHA!!!"
Profion: Let their blood RAAAAIN from the skyyy!!!
Critic: I'm turning into a human vibratorrrr!!!
- "Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem..."
- The rising camera shots:
"Meanwhiiiiiile — WOULD YOU STOP MOVING THE CAMERA, GODDAMMIT?! Who the fuck's shooting this, a drunk George Jetson?!
- "CAN I GET AN AMEN???" *dances like a minister*
- What makes this really funny is that it seems EXACTLY like something Jeremy Ironswould do in this film.
- "I'm not!....I'm nOOOOOOt!" "What, did she turn into a goose?"
- "And now, because you demanded it - the All Quacking Choir!"
The Top 11 Dumbest Spider-Man Moments
- "Ya know, I kinda miss my Wife-" "FUCK HER!!!!!!!"
- The images of Superman tap dancing followed by Wolverine doing a burlesque. It Makes Sense in Context
"NO!! THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!!!"
- The Critic being attacked by convention-goers for admitting that he kind of likes the third film.
- This is the song that never ends!!
- Or him noting that-even though this will sound strange, coming from him, but the whole Emo-Peter bit with all the dancing and acting incredibly weird (yes even for Peter Parker this was just plain odd!) was just plain geeky.
- Spider-Man jumping on the Parade balloons-complete with Mario music and jumping SFX.
- Happy dance, Happy dance, Happy dance, *PUNCH* "I'm a monster!"
- And me... And me...
- "An arm! A robotic arm! APOCALYPSE!!!"
- Critic's reaction to Willem Defoe's acting:
Green Goblin: *singing* The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout.
Critic: *singing to the same tune with the same voice* When will the overacting ever stop?
The Lost World - Jurassic Park
- "And Mr Spielberg, before you even knew what you had you packaged it, you patented it, you slapped it on a plastic lunchbox and now" *slams table* "you're selling it, you're selling it. Well, Lost World."
- Boomer will... oooh...ummm...we'll getchya another Boomer.
- "Sir, on a scale of one to ten, how douchey is this?"
- "Oh, this is incredibly douchey. This is like Hitler douchey. No doubt about it."
- "I, uh, I can't read or write."
- Two words: Babe Ruthasaurus. The accompanying the picture is also perfect.
- Rob's (The Other Guy) hysterical Jeff Goldblum impersonations, done while explaining certain aspects of it.
- The "Try to be invested" game.
- And right after that game:
Critic: Oh, fuck it! Can I watch the lawyer (from the first movie) getting eaten again?
(Cue said scene)
Critic: God, that's awesome! Can't we just watch that for two hours?
- The reappearance of...MAN! *Scare Chord*
- "Yes, MAN. MAN would sodomize your hamster if he could without..."
- "You've got annoying blabbermouth Jeff Goldblum, idiot scientist Julianne Moore, not-such-a-badass badass Vince Vaughn, and pudgy, doughy guy who's only had eight lines. So tell me folks, who do you think is gonna die?"
*Goldblum, Moore, and Vaughn?*
"Let me emphasize that this is who you think is gonna die, not who you wish was gonna—
*Pudgy, doughy guy?*
"—there ya go!"
- *radio static* "Baby love..." *radio static* "DuckTales, Woohoo!" *radio static* "Jurassic Park is frightening..."
- Both jokes after the scene when the velociraptor reacts to Kelly's "Hey, you!"
- "I'm a bad raptor! A bad, bad raptor!"
- When Kelly's gymnastics gets rated by a jury of T-Rex, Triceratops and a Velociraptor.
- His reaction to when the bus crashes into a video store and we see a cutout promoting a King Lear film with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the starring role.
- "Why the hell aren't I watching that movie?! You go back and start again film, I wanna see Arnold!"
- "You stole their bullets?! The T-Rex is eating people, you asshole!"
- And when he questions the logic behind the glass of the trailer, not being able to make it break in one scene but when someone falls on it, it begins to shatter.
Critic (as Jeff Goldblum): Huh, I guess you're right. Well, seeya bitch. *slides down cable* I'm Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
- The Critic's rewritten theme song:
- Dumb dumb! Dumb dumb! This was dumb da-dumb dumb dumb! This film was soooooo fucking dumb! Dumb Du-du-duuuuuuumb!
- When the group is hanging on by a thread:
Vince Vaughn: Hang on to something!
Jeff Goldblum: Hang on to something!
Dark Helmet: Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: DO SOMETHING!
- *Jeff Goldblum runs away from a raptor into a room with glass windows* "No, don't you remember ? They can open doors !" *Raptor smashes through a window* "And that too."
Return of the Nostalgic Commercials
- The critic discussing the strangeness of girl's toys being large and boy's toys being smaller
Critic: At what point did we look at TV and say, "HA!! Fuck that giant pussy convertible! *Holds up a Micro Machine car* THIS is a man's car! *Smile fades and tosses away car*
- "NERF, We leave none alive! MUUAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
- "And by nothing we mean DEEEEEEAAAAAAATHHHH!!!!!! *lightning*
- "The ultimate space marine is named Atax!? It sounds like discount tampons you get at the dollar store!"
- "Hey Joey, I just got the Nintendo Entertainment System. You wanna play?"
- Actual odds of getting raped by a gorilla in Burger King now only 1 in 5.
- Fred Flintstone finally cracks and calls Barney Rubble out on his obsession with Post's Coco Pebbles cereal, part of this complete breakfast.
"I'm gonna eat your wife's box!"
- Critic's phone calls with Herbert the Pervert.
- His reaction to the Japanese commercial for A Link to the Past.
- The Critic's game of "Guess Who".
Does he have long hair? Kid 2:
Does he have glasses? Jules: Does he look like a bitch!?
- The questions he asked as a child are a touch... off. "Is your person Jewish?" "Did your person sleep with mommy?" "Is your person the subject of several disturbing documentaries?"
Narrator: Game cards do not actually talk.
Critic: If they do, you should probably seek help.
- "You, your mate and your Johnson..."
- "You, your friends and your Johnson..."
- "You, your girl and your Johnson..."
- "You, your kids and your Johnson..."
Critic: *Mouth agape*
Herbert: "I'm gonna slap you right in your penis!"
Critic: "SHUT UP!"
- Commercial: "You and your Johnson, a way of life for over 50 years."
Critic: "And then your wife found out what you were doing with your Johnson and....well, lets just say you and your Johnson won't be hanging out with any kids anymore."
- "You are tearing me apart, Corn Pops!"
- "Fabulous stories about what I may or may not be wearing will be revealed to you when you hold aloft your mighty phone and say: I GOT PARENT'S PERMISSION! I...HAVE...PERMISSIOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!"
- In the classic Tootsie Pops commercial: "Why the hell is this boy naked? Nobody addresses this? Even the turtle when he first comes out is like: 'What the fuuuuck...?'"
Mr. Turtle: Put on some clothes, boy. I can see your junk!
- The Table Hot Line (1-900-IM-A-FUCKING-TABLE).
- "Table AWAAAAAAY!"
- It's a lot funnier if you're a fan of Anime when the critic is mocking adventures of a table. Two words: Code Geass
- Smooshees commercial, hands down.
"Grape Escape, because killing things that are smaller than you gives you POWER!" *beat* *puts a finger to his mouth and giggles*
- Noting that the Fun Fruit Trees from the Sunkist sweet commercials appear creepy, he goes on to splice in footage from the infamous tree/branch rape scene from The Evil Dead.
- "You are tearing me apart, Fun Fruit Trees!"
- "I got a Wuzzle / I'm gonna snuggle / We don't care about rhyming!.... Buy our shit!"
- Commenting on the Skip Stik commercial
Commercial: Skip Stik! When you just want to show off!
- He then plays She's a Maniac over the commercial, splicing in clips from Flashdance and adding the caption "You Fucking Little Showoff!" at the end of it.
- "Mom, you're a grandma. Twins!" "WHAT!?"
- The Critic's bewilderment as to why the Dino-Riders franchise never caught on.
Critic: As long as Jeff Goldblum doesn't have anything to with them, these dinosaurs are awesome !
Dino-Riders jingle: Dino-Rideeeeeers!
- He calls his t-shirt his I Donut Donuts t-shirt.
- The Critic's review of a TV spot for a re-release of Song of the South.
Did we mention that even though we're just showing the animated scenes, they're about as long as this commercial? That's right, the rest is live-action and dealing with incredibly slow-moving racial relations. Doesn't that sound like fun, kids? (a kid is heard coughing)
- The ending of this particular review is also priceless:
Commercial: Walt Disney's Song of the South. Rated G. Now playing at a theater near you.
Critic: (speaking fast) Warning: this Academy Award-winning movie Disney will soon be ashamed of. It may or may not be racially insensitive, honestly it's sort of hard to tell, but Disney's not gonna take that chance anyway. See the film that millions of people around the world are calling... "OKAY!"
- "Let's talk about Inspector Gadget. It was a show in the 1980s about a half-human, half-robot detective. (RoboCop poster appears) Ha-ha, no. This one was funny. (RoboCop 3 poster appears) INTENTIONALLY FUNNY!!!
- His constant flipping out over how far the film strays from the cartoon, particularly in regards to Dr. Claw: "So, let's just recap: Dr. Claw isn't called Dr. Claw, he doesn't own a terrorist organization called 'MAD', he sounds less like a monster and more like a fashion critic, and the fact that you never see him in the show is replaced with SEEING HIM ALL THE TIME!!! I mean, wow! Did they get one thing right?! Why did you change so much?! Were you afraid that if you stuck too closely to the cartoon that it wouldn't be taken as seriously?! Need I remind you this movie has scenes like this!: (Gilligan Cut to Inspector Gadget flying around like a popped balloon, before flying right into the camera.)"
- That's right! Even though it defies everything logical and everything scientific, Inspector Gadget comes back to life simply through the will of heart. *expectant pause*
- "I said, 'simply through the will of heart'."
- The segues parodying Austin Powers.
- The Godzilla-ish "That's a lot of fish!"
- The callback to "FUCKING BUBBLES!!!"
- His laughably creepy Matthew Broderick impersonation.
- "So Brown goes after the bad guys to see if he can make justice prevail."
- ("YaHOOooOO!") "PrOOOOduct whores!"
- Darth Vader fudging up and revealing he's Leia's father too early.
- The group of Nostalgia Critics discussing what Dr. Claw may look like:
I imagine he looks like a monster
I imagine he looks like a machine
- "It's like he swallowed Gerald McBoing-Boing or something!"
- Chris Tucker voicing the Gadgetmobile.
- Matthew Broderick Really is A Robot!
- The entire sequence involving the doorbell.
Critic: Was that ANOTHER sound effect?!?
- The cartoon Dr. Claw being enraged by his movie counterpart.
- And the build-up to that gag, with the Critic's belief that the movie Dr. Claw acted more like one of the idiotic henchmen working for the cartoon Dr. Claw.
- The subversion of the OF COURSE! gag:
Gadget Clone: Together you and I could RULE THE WORLD!!
Critic *Looking annoyed, the clip of Bison enters from the left of the screen, but he bats it away* OF COUR- "Not worth it!"
- Silence of the Lambs "dramatically" enhanced with stock sound effects.
- His reaction to the No Fourth Wall moments - specifically, how lame and unfunny they are.
- "Slapstick, 'Huh?', Idiot!"
- "And did I mention the uncomfortable void of nobody laughing?"
- NC parodying Gadget's Eureka Moment by (mis)interpreting the initials S.I. in a way that actually makes more sense than the movie's.
Critic: Of course! Sports Illustrated! They must have stolen the foot for their new Foot Fetish Edition!
- His reactions to the "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue clips that pop up unexpectedly at the beginning of the end credits.
Old vs. New: The Karate Kid
- The bit with the Sky-gina.
- The ending, where Future!Critic returns from the past review, The Room, to take the Critic a bit into the past in order to see if there really are floating mutant mouths eating it. There are, and they're having a polite conversation!
"Aw man, the sky-gina's gonna be pissed..."
"I'm blaming YOU."
- The early plug for the second TGWTG DVD, for those patient viewers who waited after the credits— OH! SHHHH! It's a secret! Don't tell anyone!
- All the William Shatner references.
- All the Airplane! references.
- All the Perfect Strangers references.
- Critic's "deducing" impersonation, hands down.
- The villain acting like Woody Woodpecker.
- Down to actually becoming a cartoon character.
- "Scaring the little girl?!"
- The Twilight Zone opening.
- "MY WIDE-ANGLED LENS IS ABOUT TO BURST!!"
- "HEY NONNY-NONNY-NONNY HEY NONNY-NONNY-NONNY!"
- During the reveal of what the Langoliers look like:
- "LLLLLLLET'S GET READY FOR LETDOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!!" *Get Ready For This starts playing*
- That the music kept playing throughout the scene is the best part.
- God's apparent acid trip where he came up with the Langoliers.
God: And thus, when all time passes, you will see...giant ape testicles that eat up the world like a tuna sandwich!!
Angel: Sorry, could you repeat that ?
God: WRITE IT DOWN!!!
- His constantly changing descriptions of the Langoliers.
- "Set your Johnson to its full upright position. ...Oh yeah."
- "Right as rain darlin', right as rain! (She is going to drown in her own blood.) Right as rain darlin', right as rain! (Drooooooown!)"
- Toomy and (a hallucination of) his father playing "Who Can Overact With Their Mouth Opened the Widest". And the Dance of Joy when Toomy's dad wins.
- All the Rice Krispies gags.
Critic: All right. Put a searchout for these guys. *shows Snap, Crackle and Pop* But be careful. They are part of a complete breakfast.
- "We're all gonna die a snappy-crackling-poppy death!"
- His sheer unbridled joy when he realizes Bronson Pinchot is playing the villain. He even prays to God in thanks.
- His callback to the Stephen King drinking game at the mention of Maine, followed by "What is your fetish with that place?!"
- Also, when he's about to take a drink for something else, but stops himself
Critic: I don't want the hangover.
- "Don't worry, fully grown mature woman. I, a terrified little blind girl will keep you comfort."
- "Actually, I think this is how the meeting went with Tom Holland and Stephen King after this movie was released."
- (As the kids skate towards the hill near the end of the film) The Jets are gonna have their way toniiiight!
- Also, his comparison of the final race to podracing.
"The first minute's pretty cool, the second minute's kinda annoying, the third minute's just grating, and the fourth minute is "WE GOT TWELVE MORE MINUTES OF THIS SHIT?!?!?!?!?!"
- Also also, his cuts comparing the skating race in this film to the legendary chariot race in Ben Hur.
- The kid's refuge into surfing to calm his stress is almost presented as a twisted fetish, and the Critic demonstrates the weirdness of it by enacting a mother walking in on a teenager looking at "surfing porn".
- What makes it better is he was masturbating to Surf Ninjas.
- All the non-sequitur cuts to the kid with the nose brace get surprisingly amusing by the end of the video.
- This one's especially impressive, as he starts out complaining (absolutely correctly) that it's not funny and isn't even a real joke. And then he actually makes it into one.
- Threatening to cut off Seth Green's testicles, and playing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" over his "girly montage."
"Well, now we know why [Seth Green's date played by Alanna Ubach] turned into a lesbian in The Brady Bunch Movie
- His various commercial mash-ups for products the movie could possibly advertise. Including the state of California and Juicy Fruit gum.
"Nike. Just....just don't do what this idiot does."
- The repeated references to the fact that the protagonist is seemingly a refugee from a Disney movie, complete with cutaways to Aladdin doing something similar.
- The critic's "shocked" reaction to the revelation that the big race will be at the "Devil's Backbone".
- "So as you see kids, it's not about physical violence; it's just about hurting somebody somehow. That's what really counts in life."
- The use of the Saved by the Bell act break music.
- His reaction upon seeing Seth Green's character for the first time.
Critic: And he also meets up with cousin Wiley, played by Seth Gre-what the hell!? Who brought the emo girl?
- The hockey game scene, with Tony the Tiger commercial music playing as the protagonist plays against the opposing team. The real cinch is when after it's revealed that the protagonist accidentally hit the puck into his team's goal, Tony himself says:
Oh, nevermind. You blow.
"Sorry, sorry, it's just, I'll never get tired of that sound!"
- It isn't that funny in itself, but just seeing him smile and content is very heartwarming. ...especially if you happen to love that sound too!
- PEACE?! (snarling, clawing, skull-flailing)
- The Critic's reaction to Seth Green's "My dad shot her" line.
Raiders of the Story Arc: X-Men
The Magic Voyage
- Starts off the review in a nervous breakdown, eventually breathing fire and cutting to a We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties image of him gulping happy pills while the World 7 map theme of New Super Mario Bros. Wii plays on the image.
- Interestingly, Linkara's review the day before also featured a nervous breakdown before going to "We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties".
- Draws a target on his forehead. "SHOOT ME! FUCKING SHOOT ME!!"
- The 'constant noise' montage, including shoutouts to Alice in Wonderland, Indiana Jones, Woody Woodpecker and It, culminating in Arnold Schwarzenegger of all people demanding everyone to shut up!
- Why doesn't the lightning bug fairy escape the flaming trunk with Pico until he has to come back a second time?
"Oh tee heeheheh tee hee hee! Ooo HEEE heheheheee—" *bursts into flames*
- The penis telescope.
- The shout-out to the commercials review:
Critic: I mean, what the hell do you call that?
Commercial: "The Wunder Boner!" "My wife would like that!"
- The "little worm" incident:
Sailor: He's talking to his little worm.
Sailor: Now he's kissing the little worm.
Yakko: Ugh, the stuff they're getting away with on kid's shows these days.
- The Native Americans being friendly with Columbus.
Chief: How can we ever repay you?
NC: The land. *menacing grin* Hand it over!
- "Well that was...awful!!!"
- Columbus' prediction:
Columbus: Someday, there'll be a big city there. And maybe they'll name something after us! Columbus Circle sounds a-pretty nice to me!
NC: And don't-a forget-a the slaughtering! Lots and lots-a the slaughtering! *cue montage of Native American massacre* Don't look for a G-rating on the sequel, folks. Its-a gonna be a bloodbath!
- The Critic upon seeing the natives: "Oh. This oughta be rich."
- "So because we see how much depth and texture the last dream sequence gave, they give one to Pico as well." Which consists of him and Marilyn just naming things that they see.
Critic as Pico: Woah — space! Woah — tree! Woah — (sees an image of the film's poster) box-office sodomy! Woah — I'm learning so much about my character through this!
Critic as Marilyn: I'm a tool!
- When he gets to Pico's song at the beginning, he wisely fast-forwards through it.
Critic: All right, I'll save you—the singer can't sing, the songwriter can't write, and this has nothing to do with Christopher Columbus.
Skip-it commercial: So skip it, skip it!
- "So they meet up with a talking beaver *hits head and acts stupid* D'OKAY!"
- When he questions how a wood worm knows the world is round, and questions if they're just the smartest creatures in the world, leading to him talking to Pico, who tells him the Earth is round, the true religion, about an alien race, and that the movie's gonna suck.
- Bringing up the fact that the film was made by a German studio and comparing it to an American studio making a movie about Russian history. "And look how FUCKING well that turned out!"
- The Critic leading in with other famously deplorable buddy-movies he's reviewed:
- "So we start with a quiet opening" *BOOOOOM!* "FOR A MONSTER TRUCK RALLY!"
- "Benkakan nahmburz."
- "So that's where all the [Iraqi] weapons of mass destruction were."
Douchey: "That is so 2003!"
- THE. END-ING-AH.
- "I'msorryifyou'restillalive-" BOOM!!!
- Jean-Claude dressed as John Lennon. "I'M BIGGER THAN JEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!"
- "But it turns out the bad guys have replaced the baby with a bomb. A...bomby!"
- And earlier: "But Rourke puts a grenade in the baby's bed, givin new meaning to the term baby boomer."
- The Critic's very justified complaint about the main characters not using parachutes and instead opting for A PROTECTIVE SHELL SHAPED LIKE A BASKETBALL. No, seriously.
- Especially when he brings up how it doesn't bounce when we see it land, and it looks really flimsy, bringing up the question of how they survived with their bodies intact.
- This exchange:
Quinn: You go back to Antwerp, I'll get your money. I pay my dits (debts).
Nostalgia Critic: You pay your tits?
Quinn: I pay my dits.
Nostalgia Critic: Next you'll be telling me that "I am the LAAAWL!"
- "Aawwww, no one gave me a wickacaw!"
Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress
Jaws 4 The Revenge
- Using "I'm not dead!" over posters of the Jaws sequels, followed by a Brick Joke at the end by saying that Jake probably feels better after nearly getting eaten.
- "Jaws 4 is the unnecessary sequel to the unnecessary sequel of the unnecessary sequel."
- The entire tirade about the Special Effect Failure regarding the shark's death. *Gently touches the shark, which explodes in a shower of gore*
- The Critic pointing out that the shark's roar was used by an infuriated Jerry, thereby replacing it with I HAVE THE POWEEEERRRRRR!!!
- When the Critic complains about how the shark apparently travelled all the way from US to Bahamas, following the main characters, this sketch appears:
NC: Is he like, a technologically advanced super-shark?!
*plane flies off*
Jaws: HA! You won't get away that easily!
*shark takes off, rocket style, then flies off after the plane*
- The brick joke later on after NC complains about the plan of the sharks not going as planned and asks what it was thinking as it flew to the Bahamas. Cut back to the shark flying:
Jaws: (Sings to the Double Rainbow song) ... Across the sky... Double rainbow... Across the sky...
- The movie is called "Jaws: The Revenge" yet the shark doesn't exactly seek any direct revenge at all!
NC: His revenge should only be two steps!
*Cue on-screen text saying, "Step 1: Find a Brody. Step 2: Eat a Brody."*
- "What could he have possibly been distracted by?!" Cut to shark humming along to the "Double Rainbow" mix.
- Mixing the Techno Babble from the movie with similar scenes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman & Robin and Star Trek: The Next Generation.
- Being as nonchalant as Michael Caine is about a giant killer shark attacking him. Then getting jumped on and pulled off-screen by the shark.
shark jumps up and eats him while NC screams
- Kool-Aid Jaws as he smashes through a sunken boat hull to get to Mike Brody.
- The way he pronounces Michael Caine's name.
- "I do my impression of a dolphin humping a goat for you!"
- NC taking bets on how long it'll take for Sean to get eaten by Jaws.
- In response to Mrs. Brody laughing at her son's funeral: "Oh, sorry! I just saw 'Dick in a Box' for the first time. [singing softly] Cut a hole in a box..."
- "Holy smokes, that was dangerous. GAH—" *THUMP*
- "Holy shit! Sharks can travel miles and miles solely fueled by grudge!"
- The Critic's reaction to Michael Caine's character saying, "Oh, shit."
- "Oooooh, Gordy! While you were busy with the Hindenburg disaster, Osama bin Laden came back to life, turned into a Transformer, and is destroying Chicago with the Dark of the Moon!"
"OH MY GOD!" "OH MY GAWD!" "OH MY GOD!" "OH MY GAWD!"
- "Goodnight, Pinky!" "Child, did you just say goodnight to your vagina?"
- The Critic's reaction to a "Pig Power in the House" music video existing.
- His subsequent dancing that continues during the credits.
- The return of Evil Popcorn Man.
- His reaction to the fight near the end. "And now, Conway Twitty."
- The cameo appearance of the Wah-Wah voice from The Charlie Brown cartoon.
- Followed by the Critic berating Babe for copying Gordy.
- What, no mention of the scene with the pan?
Critic: "Here's a Pan, let's see if it says anything!"
Pan (coming to life suddenly, causing the Critic to scream and whimper in terror) "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU FUCK YOU!!!"
- "I'm gonna eat breakfast now." (extended cut of the Critic superimposed over himself eating cereal)
- Complete with Breakfast-Eating!Critic eventually noticing, erm, himself, and then mimicing his expression.
- Also, it's possible that his Cheerios 2 box is substituting for the Product Placement for Federal Express in the movie scene in question. Even if it wasn't intentional, it adds to the fun.
- The sudden cameo by Louis Rukeyser:
Louis Rukeyser: Tell us, Gordy, as the new darling of Main Street and Wall Street, what are your views on the outlook for the American economy?
Gordy: [pig squeals]
- Gordy's rescue of Hanky from the pool getting rescored with Homer Simpson's "Spider-Pig" song!
- When Jenny Sue sings her godawful country song for her father's band, the Nostalgia Critic simply can't help himself...
Nostalgia Critic: Ah, this must be Hannah Montana's less talented cousin... Wyoming Schloming!
- "Though, to be fair... Nope, I'm not gonna be fair. It's annoying and it sucks. Case closed."
- The Critic wondering what Freud would say about Hanky being sad that he couldn't dance with his mom.
Freud: *roll eyes* Kid, get some REAL problems!
- Let's not forget his very justified reaction to the overblown effect the wide angle lens has on Hanky's mother's test footage.
"Oh no! They must have confused a wide angle lens with a FUCKING fun house mirror!"
- "So the pig gets the fortune! Well, half the fortune; I'm sure [Henry Royce] left one-fourth to his pogo stick and the other fourth to the color blue. But hey, a will's a will!"
- "But luckily they (The kid and Gordy) escape because the thugs are distracted by a cross-dressing madman with pantyhose on his head robbing a thrift store. Now *beat* I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating."
- "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna do something that'll promise I never land a spot in a kid's film again."
- "The pig doesn't talk much, and when he does, it looks like he's having a heart attack."
The OTHER Animated Titanic Movie
- The beginning of the video, which parodies Darth Vader's revival with the Critic as Vader and Rob as Palpatine.
- You can clearly see Rob trying to hold back laughter, and then their commentary on the episode reveled they both started laughing as soon as the camera cut.
- Bringing back the hilariously oversized bottle of Jagermeister from the first animated Titanic movie review... and then tossing it aside and ordering helicopters to bring down a skyscraper-sized bottle to replace it.
Critic: *motions with a hand* Pro-ceed.
- The Running Gag of the mice only talking about ship protocol.
Critic: Hey! Remember when we used to just sneak aboard and eat shit? Can we go back to those days?
- Later, in a similar scene...
- The Critic tempts fate again when he correctly guesses that the iceberg collision was the result of a gang of villainous talking sharks communicating with the ship crew about a plan to get money from the rich family...and his reaction is priceless. Seriously, his face is arguably one of the funniest he has ever pulled.
Critic: I'm sorry, I need to drop something! *pours water into a glass and then drops said glass*
Critic: I need a minute.
- "DOH, NOW I HATE MY HAT! I HATE MY HAT SO MUCH! OH MY MOTIVATIONS ARE SO CONFUSING—" *lapses into random gibberish*
- The Critic putting a "WTF?" sign next to a shark's...crotch fin.
- Nuke the whales.note
- Hearing the male lead's Overly Long Name and deciding just to call him Joe.
- Similarly, calling "Joe" Tuxedo Mask in his first scene.
- The reaction to finding out the dolphins can talk.
Dolphin: You can understand us thaks to a net of magic moonbeams that caught your tears as they fell into the water.
Critic: *silent, concerned face*
Dolphin: We added a little magic of our own and voila! The spell is cast.
* Ahh...hmm...hmm..hmm... *with nearly insane smile and Cinema Snob voice
- At the end, when he finds out there is a sequel/spinoff of this movie with the giant octopus, which he is never reviewing, leading him to do Darth Vader's Big "NO!".
- Upon seeing "Joe" sniffing Elizabeth's glove: "Well, you suddenly got creepy!"
- Later, after "Meanwhile, apparently Joe is still in this movie.":
Critic: I miss you, Elizabeth... *sniffs her glove* Almost as much as I miss Vanessa. *snorts a shoe*
- "Did we actually just take a situation involving two mice, a young woman and somehow come out with racism?!"
- After the scene where Elizabeth talks to the mice, the Nostalgia critic mocks how it's a "Great Case" to make.
Elizabeth: Father, I know you want me to marry that man. But I've been talking with the dolphins and mice and they agree that it's not the right thing to do.
*cut to an insane asylum*
Elizabeth: But honest to god, they did talk to me! *gets electrocuted*
- "This is Rose...I mean Rose! ...I mean Rose! ...I mean...Elizabeth!"
- "So after leaving the town of genetic clones *points out that two people in the crowd look exactly alike* I'm not kidding here, look. LOOK!"
- "That's great, young lady, that's great. You wish you were a dolphin, wonderful...*devolves into complete gibberish* WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?!?!"
- "Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say you stayed in the theater after you saw this scene!"
- The clip from Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home when the dolphins announce that the whales are coming.
Scotty: Captain! There be whales here!
- At least FernGully stuck with the rainforest! They didn't try to work in the Hindenburg disaster or anything! *Photoshops FernGully characters over a Hindenburg picture; the black fart seemed to have caused the legendary catastrophe in the first place*
- His showing the differences between the two times Elizabeth tells her father that she doesn't want to marry the villain.
Critic as Father: Oh-ho-ho, that's just the PMS talking, you'll get over it.
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard.
Critic as Father: Whoa! Whoa! Calm down, bitch! We'll figure this out, man...JESUS!
Critic: [at a shot of a hallway] But meanwhile, down this hallway— [scene pans to another hallway] Or maybe it's this hallway— [scene pans back to the first hallway] No, think it's this hallway.
- "My God, somebody actually felt the need to rip off the rip off?!? *pointing at poster of Titanic: The Legend Goes On* Did you even watch—I—gah—*gibberish* *smacks away poster* Moving on!"
- The film with the rapping dog came out after the film with the whales. Although that just makes it even funnier.
- His response to the two mouse after the older mouse yells at them for cutting the wires.
- Critics response on how the death of the mouse who saved the day is the only sad scene in the film.
- When Old Grandpa Mouse finishes telling his story and his wife enters the scene:
- "So, just to recap, everybody: nobody died on the Titanic, animals can talk with moon magic, sharks form underwater gangs, whales are Jesus, and the reveal of a giant talking octopus in New York got absolutely no media attention whatsoever!"
Revenge of the Commercials
- The Critic's rules for ET: The Board Game:
Narrator: The one that helps ET the most, wins!
[Cut to a screaming scene from the film, with the Atari game cartridge juxtaposed in]
- The Barbie doll with a tie-in video featuring Paula Abdul.
: (drunk) You wanna make out? Simon Cowell
: Later. I'm doing Seacrest.
- Critic calling the Barbie's "dance" the "Trying to step on a bug while you have a headache" dance.
Barbie!Critic: Oooh, a spider!...God, I need an asprin.
- The return of demonic Teddy Ruxpin. The Critic changes to a commercial of Alphabits right afterwards...and he pops out again.
Devil!Teddy Ruxpin: CRITIC!!!
Critic: GYAAHAH!!! [quickly changes the channel]
- His theory for where Zack (or is it Jack?) the Lego Maniac is now.
"Zack, Zack, he's a psycho maniac!" BOOM (crosses off "Obnoxious Singing Narrator" from the hit list)
- The commercial for "Squeez-It", a fruit-flavored drink in a squeezable bottle. At the beginning, the Critic tells viewers to "count all the phallic symbols" in the commercial, and boy, does it live up to that claim. The actual commercial conists of a bunch of kids drinking the namesake drink while various things pop up into the air, cutting to the Critic's strange reactions every few seconds. It's nonstop hilarity for pretty much the entire duration, and its wierdness actually convinces the Critic not to say anything by the end, which is pretty much what every viewer wouldn't be doing.
- Special mention goes to a scene 2/3 of the way through, were a bag of popcorn explodes, complemented by the text "And now the ORGASM!" flashing onscreen while it happens. If the previous reactions weren't enough, the explosion definitely makes the scene.
- His Top 10 Phrases from the Ghostbusters movie that would go well in describing a disturbing Egon action figure, where a ghost can attach to his pelvic region.
- The Shredder, as played by Tommy Wiseau.
"That sounds a little perverted, doesn't it?"
- "Great for displaying turtles when they're not eating pizza! From Playmates, bitch."
- IT'S NOT POP TARTS!
- And while we're on the subject of Pop Tarts, his reaction to the commercial which advertised how much more flavor was in their current pop tarts. He made a good point about how the filling sprayed out with a single chomp into the damn thing with enough force to probably cause injury.
Teacher: Lindsay, why are you late to class?
Lindsay: [most of the skin on her head flayed off] POP TARTS!
- The entire rant on Hot Wheels: Light Speeders and how they don't work.
You get to move a centimeter, then another centimeter and then you throw the goddamn thing away!
- At the beginning of that commercial:
Narrator: What's so hot? Hot Wheels! What's so cool?
Critic: ...Pop Tarts?-
[Cut to monks from before] Monk: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!
Narrator: So hot! So cool!
Critic: NOW YOU'RE RIPPING OFF POP TARTS! WHO DOES THAT?!
- The Critic and Rob feeling a woman's bra note like the women were feeling up guys' undies in the underpants commercial.
- This bit:
[Moore turns off TV with that last message on it]
- And then the Critic calls somebody to inject five people with diabetes.
- The entire portion on the Slim Suit: "Specialists also recommend these magic beans, mixed with a placebo, and brought to you by the Tooth Fairy... When you're in Oz."
"It truly is the work of an artist. Perhaps a con artist, if you will."
- There's something amusing about the obviousness of the trio of pill bottles placed together on the back shelf.
Once Upon a Forest
- Right at the start:
You know, we don't review enough environmentally-aware films, do we? [A mouse cursor scrolls up to the top-left of the video, clicks, and a blurred-out porn site appears instead] Critic:
Come back, come back! [The Critic reappears.] Critic:
I assure you, this annoying environmental film has one big difference
from all the other annoying environmental films... This one has Michael Crawford
! [...the mouse cursor pulls another porn site up] Critic:
Hey, hey! Come back here! COME BACK HERE! STOP LOOKING UP PORN!
- And then it returns at the end of the review, as he's saying his Catch Phrase.
Critic: ...You guys are asses.
- After the flying toy makes its debut:
Well? What do you have to say? Critic: (in falsetto)
...you're lucky Gerard Butler
sings worse than you?
- Any time the Critic mocks Cornelius' trilling r's
"It's rrrrrrrrare that a Rrrrrrrrange Rrrrrrrrover doesn't rrrrrrrrun you into rrrrrrrravaged rrrrrrrroadkill, you rrrrrrrrambunctious little rrrrrrrretard!
- When one of the kids gets attacked by an Owl:
Critic: Well, that's one down, two more to go. Soon all the kids will be dead thanks to Cornelius' cowardliness. But, hey, that's-
- His reaction to the steadily-built plane and his demanding of an answer:
NC: Why didn't Cornelius build it while the kids were sleeping? Oh let me gu-
Cornelius: R to the H to the E to the U, M, A Tism!
- Hell, ANY imitation of Cornelius/Michael Crawford that the Critic did was hilarious.
- And just for the Rule of Three, counting the last episode:
Squirrel: Why would a mole, a mouse and a hedgehog want to help a foul-smelling, worm-eating, good-for-nothing badger?
Critic: ...ummmm... Pop Tarts?
Monk: IT'S NOT POP TARTS!
- MAN returns once more, but the voice is tired about ranting about MAN and turns it into a rant about ANIMALS instead.
"Okay, you clearly have no
idea how early 90's animated environmental films work. Rule #1, Man is the devil, #2, Anything not man is good, and #3, Your movie must bomb
. You got two of those down, but number one is still a biggie."
- The toxic gas with a Tim Curry voice.
- Even better, he does a perfect Tim Curry impression in the scene. Until he gets to the lyric "crawling from my ass", you almost swear that he just sampled a few lines of Toxic Love, which makes it even funnier.
- The "I am so high" Running Gag.
- "Of course, the missing ingredient! Pikachu tears, mixed with the heart of Inspector Gadget, while magic moon beams drop down, during the chanting of "We Care", after taking her from the Genesis Planet!"
- When the Critic wonders if Cornelius puts whimsy into everything he says:
Critic: (Whimsical) Oh no, I'm out of toilet paper! I'd best go to the store, for I have a log I rrreally need to drop! *runs off* Ooh!"
- When he says it's pretty bad that the teacher admits he's talking bullshit:
Critic: Now children, who wants to hear me to pRRRRRRRRRattle on about my Uncontrollable Bowel Syndrome?
- This gem:
Cornelius: No, furlings! There's a deadly toxic gas in there!
Critic: They had Taco Bell before they left home!
- The tagline:
- The Critic's reaction to first seeing Abigail, a mouse girl.
- The Critic's response to Cornelius's Downer Ending:
Critic: "Well that's a fucking downer. Talk about Captain Buzzkill; I wonder what other happy endings he ruined with his sad, awkward facts."
Winner!Critic: "Woohoo! I just won the lottery!"
Depressed!Critic: "Yes, but 9/11 still happened..."
Winner!Critic: *dumps out his glass of champagne*
- His reaction to the "Furlings" actually building a full size version of Cornelius' flying machine in only a few hours
Critic: Uh, yeah. Just take the plan for a device that took months and months to build, and make it ten times bigger in just a matter of a few hours. Yeah, I'd like to see that happe- *cut to the completed flying machine* WHAT THE FUCK.
- The inevitable (but still funny) Phantom reference: having Cornelius do the "Damn you, you little prying Pandora!" rant after his model gets broken.
- The "montage" of Michelle's parents.
- "Why in fantasy people can't just call kids, you know, kids? It's always furlings, or younglings, or Shia LaBeouf!"
- Also, this bit:
Abigail: See you later! Love you!
Abigail's father: Me too, Abigail!
Critic: I love me too, yes.
- When Cornelius mentions that if everybody works hard, Daplewood might return to normal...
Critic!Michelle:Does that mean my mom and dad will come back to life?
- The scene where Nemo pilots a blimp leads to yet another Hindenburg joke, followed by an acknowledgment that they've overused the joke.
- The thing that made this variation of the Hindenburg gag even funnier than the rest is the fact that he was imitating Herbert Morrison covering the explosion with authentical footage ("Oh the humanity!").
- The Critic's dancing along to the movie's own awkward dance party.
- The ending:
Congratulations, Critic! You just finished an entire review without making one Finding Nemo joke!!!
Critic: [screams in joy] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!
Critic: ...wait, doesn't this count?
- The obligatory Inception reference, complete with BWONG.
- Even better is the fact that he's doing a Cat Smile throughout the whole joke-it's like he's trying to not burst into laughter from the Large Ham voice.
- It's even funnier if you've watched the Third Rate Gamer.
- The part that really gets to me is how his glasses reflect Nemo's face in true Matrix style.
- The See and Say with Nemo added.
The bland, undeveloped character says: "Yippee!"
- The Bedknobs and Broomsticks music playing as Nemo's bed flies out of the window.
- The return of the Sky-gina.
- "Sue, my pretties! Sue, sue their asses, A-HAHAHA!!!"
- Be prepared!!
- When Little Nemo is rescued from his taking the Schmuck Bait by waking up and promptly going to combat the sealed evil he'd released, the Critic does something similar: wakes up, relieved that this film was all a dream, then sees the DVD box and goes to finish the review.
- The beginning, where the Critic decides since no-one remembers this film or any related material, there is no need to review the fim. He displays the end credits as we hear a whap and he returns.
- After Nemo learns he is to be the playmate of the princess:
Nemo: "Wait a minute. This princess is a girl?"
Critic: "...You sure you wanna continue with him being the protagonist, movie? You still have time to switch. I'd much rather see what the father's doing at work."
- Calling Flip a "Teenage Mutant Ninja Minstrel Show."
- "You wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- The use of The Benny Hill Show theme music when the cops are chasing Nemo and Flip.
- Nemo meets Professor Genius:
Professor: I'm a professor. I'm a genius! You can call me Professor Genius.
Critic: Well, I find that name obnoxious. And uncreative! I'm going to call you Obnoxiously Uncreative.
- Turns out that Freddy Krueger was behind Nemo's train nightmare...
- After Nemo wakes up for the third time, NC starts playing the music from the video game over it.
- "How'd they get there? IT'S A DREAM, DERPY DERP!"
Old vs. New: True Grit
- Him attempting to state he isn't a fan of Westerns...and then lists five he likes.
- "Or, as I like to call it: "How Many Big Lebowski Jokes Can I Make In One Review?""
- "First, let's look at the main character...Mattie."
Dude: Aw, c'mon!
Critic: Shut up!
- His attempt to pronounce LaBeouf's name, eventually muttering "Shia LaBeouf."
- He spends about 3 minutes dissecting which supporting cast is better, but what clinches the answer for him is that the newer version had "the bear guy"!
- I think it's a Call Back to the Old vs. New Batman and The Dark Knight. Where the supporting cast for Batman wins because it has Bob.
- When he tries to talk Western-style, but ends up sounding more like a pirate.
- John Wayne as The Joker.
John Wayne: Why so serious?
- Usually, the reaction lines are funny but are just there. In this episode however, he makes it look like two characters in a row are going to spank him for not choosing their movie.
- Picking over the giant plot holesnote :
"Do you wanna see stuff blow up or not!?"
- "All rise... and KNEEEEEL!!!!"
- The thumbnail for Doug's real review is his imitation of how Shia LaBeouf is always yelling.
- AHHHH *Smash to Black* AHHHH *Smash to Black* AHHHH *Smash to Black* Monkey.
- The Critic's objection to the editing in The Bum's review: "Your honor, I object to the use of jump cuts. I'm not even sure how he's doing that in real time!"
- It's amusing irony that the overenthusiastic optimist gives a much more scathing review of the franchise than the perfectionist cynic ever did.
- When the boys are being idiots about feminine objects at the start of the film, asking if he was born a girl because even he knew about this stuff at that age.
- When the kids ask to look at V naked, and to look "as much as money can buy,"
Critic: "You feel that uncomfortable tingling in the back of your neck that tells you you're going to Hell for watching this? That means you're still human; hold onto that."
- AWKWARD LEVELS RISING
- Soon followed by: AWKWARDNESS REACHING LETTERMAN LEVELS
- The Critic sending the movie to Hell after it uses one too many bad jokes.
- This bit of lampshading.
Frank: Was mom a virgin when you married her?
: *Spit Take
is it I'm always drinking when a scene like that happens?!
- The "Play by Play of WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING SCENE!!!!!"
- "The mobster/pimp for Melanie Griffith's character V" *shows image of V wearing the Guy Fawkes mask* "Tch, wouldn't that be a better movie?"
- His acting out a mother taking her child's cursing in stride.
Critic as the Mother: Hmm, I wonder who that is?"
Critic as the Daughter: She's a Bitch-Ass Whore-Fuck.
Critic as the Mother: Oh hoho, Suzie *insert laughter here*.
- Comparing the three lead kids to the three leads from Full House if they talked about their sexual discovery.
And if you wanted to hear the equivalent of Full House
talking about their sexual discoveries, get out of here before I kill you.
- His claim that one of the kids grew up to be Denny from The Room.
- Playing one of Alex's monologues over the first Malcolm McDowell scene.
- "I'm going to the so' 'op!" (sock hop)
- The added visual "glitch" where the Devil (very briefly) attempts to enter our realm through a sappy "heart" line.
- Him talking about the priceless reaction of one of the girls.
Kid In The Movie: This is a woman.
Critic As A Girl In The Movie: Why I'll be! Yes, yes it is.
- Your bus has arrived.
- The music and sound effects from "Paperboy" playing in the background.
- The Big Bad reading The Three Little Pigs to children, as a way to show how obviously evil he is.
- Anytime the Critic pretends to be the snobbish other team.
Critic/Snob: Now if you will, Bart, *crank* that Tom Jones! (proceeds to rock out to "It's Not Unusual")
- Mocking the 80's slang.
- "Hey...what would Jesus do?"
- "AHHH, a black person! Take her offscreen! Take her offscreen!"
- The Stinger blooper.
*chomps sushi roll in one bite, then quickly spits it out* "Never get sushi from Jewel."
- The confrontation with Cru's mother, and how pointless the SAT argument is.
Cru: Don't you understand? The only thing I'm good at is riding this bike!
Critic: Wow, that's unbelievably sad.
- "How is throwing a rock a reason to chase her?"
- "So the big race is about to begin. I sure hope this means the same people going around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers."
- (The Race Begins)
- "Oh, I was wrong. This is the same people going around the same track about a dozen fucking times until I wish a bulldozer would run over my nuts on a pile of hot pokers... IN SLOW MOTION!"
- Katy and I are like special.
- "Don't make me put on my skeleton costume and go karate on your ass!"
Raiders of the Story Arc: Duck Tales
- Right at the beginning.
Critic: You know? I was sitting at my desk, got about to figure out how to solve world hunger and cure all known diseases when suddenly, this popped into my head:
Critic: (while waving the arms to the camera) It will never leave! IT-WILL-NE-VER-LEAVE!
- When the opening theme starts to play, the Critic insists that a different song be used. Cue the opening theme from Doug. His reaction is surprisingly calm.
Critic: (deadpan) Duck Tales is fine.
- The Critic plays a drinking game where he takes a shot every time the opening shows a scene that never appeared on the actual show. By the end he's completely wasted.
- The Critic finding it ironic how Donald wears a sailor's suit, yet isn't in the Navy, even though he was in the army, the Boy Scouts, and was even a NAZI!
- Though, to be fair, Donald was a Nazi in a dream!!
- The return of RRRRRRRRRheumatism
- The Anvil of Irony:
Critic: (melodramatic) Oh the Anvil of Irony!
- "Oh no! They crashed into . . . Commodore 64 graphics!"
- "Get out of there, Donald! Your loading time is atrocious!"
- This bit:
Huey: Be very, very quiet, we're huntin' Beakley.
- The montage of EL CAPITÁN saying "GOLD!" 17 times.
- "Boy, this guy makes the Psychlos look like Buddhist monks.
Spoony!Terl: FOOL! When you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NA-
- Chester chewing out the Critic for watching C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa.
- "Now children, we're going to teach you how to make a battle cruiser out of asparagus."
- The never-ending, ceaselessly amazing powers of tuning forks.
- "Duck Pajamas" winning the strangest curse award.
- The Critic bragging about his crotch shot.
- Which is the thumbnail for the video.
- His "inner little boy" complaining about Webby and how he hated the character.
"Boys forever! No girls allowed! I'm never gonna like girls till the day I di-" [shot of lady in a low-cut dress] "Awww shit. Boobies ruin everything!"
- Dr. Block and Dr. Tease doing an under-two-minute cameo to quickly explain to the Critic the symptoms of Gold Fever, and the outtakes in the stinger.
- The concept of Webby putting on black makeup to pose as a penguin leading to a "Minstrel Show Joke" button with wings hovering in front of the Critic as he resists pressing it.
- The Critic imitating EL CAPITÁN ordering a pizza:
El Capitán: That's right, and a large pepperoni, AND MUSHROOMS THE SIZE OF MY GIANT NOVELTY MOUSTACHE-A!!!!!
Clerk: And how will you be paying for that, sir?
El Capitán: Gold. GOLD! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!! That's right, I'll be paying with Gold Card.
- When the Indian tribe tries to get Launchpad to fly:
Launchpad: Actually, I don't think I can flap my arms that fast.
: I mean, what do you think I am, a duck?? *Beat
- And lastly...
Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember i—
(off-screen drop sound)
Critic: Oh hey! A tuning fork—
Care Bears in Wonderland
- You know you're in for a treat when the title card is hilarious (it features the Critic and a Care Bear...with the Critic playing a different Alice).
- Then you wait after the commercials, press play, and after seeing the Critic's THOROUGHLY DETERMINED expression, you know you're in for a treat.
- His calm demeanor at the beginning.
- The Critic's assumption that Carole King was singing the opening song from the first Care Bears movie in her sleep.
- Followed by the Critic demonstrating what it would look like.
- His shock that Swift-Heart Rabbit is a girl, asking for some sort of clue...and getting BUNNY BOOBIES!!!
- His remark that Care Bears in Wonderland is closer to a Super Mario Bros. movie than the actual Super Mario Bros. movie.
- The gangster sign gesture done between the Nostalgia Critic (as a Care Bear) and a bear in captivity.
- Him mocking Alice's Wangst.
Critic as Alice:
Oh, curse this youthful face, expressive eyes, long flowing hair, perfect teeth, clear skin, and excellent speaking voice. I want to be special
- Followed by claiming that she wants to be like Suzy down the street, even though she has a head retainer, bad acne, and a Third Eye!
- As the Care Bears are falling down the hole...
Critic as White Rabbit: You might remember this from the much better Disney movie.
- The various nicknames he gives to the Big Bad's two mooks, due to their annoying personalities and their resemblance to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.
- The rap-off between the rapping cat and the rapping dog from the animated Titanic movie.
- The return of his hate-on for princesses:
Alice: Mr. Rabbit, I was wondering, what exactly does a princess do?
- When Alice is climbing a peak, and a rather familar looking vulture makes an appereance.
Critic: Oh look, it's DARKHEAAAAART!
- The payoff to the running joke about Grumpy Bear wanting to eat, where he raps and The Critic's reaction to it.
- The use of Braveheart Lion's "Pickled Beets?!" and wonky faint after the credits.
- And finally, the hysterical yelling the Care Bears make when the Critic beats them up with a hammer.
- "He's torturing me with observations about my plainess!"
- His response to the White Rabbit being the uncle of Swift Heart Rabbit.
- This bit near the end:
Critic: So the jig is up and the wizard is sent to jail, allowing Alice to finally return home. That must be a pretty entertaining story to tell the folks. (as little kid, talking rapidly) Daaaad, I just got back from Wonderland, where an evil wizard tried to take over, but then some magic bears helped me out to save the princess and make the flowers bloom! (as dad) ....Take your meds!
Cop And A Half
- The critic's reaction to Henry Winkler being the director of the movie.
Critic: "ABANDON SHIP! CRITICS AND CRITICS FIRST!" (He jumps out of his chair and we hear a splashing sound)
- Which of these four Critic Faces should he choose for this extremely awkward moment? He chooses the one numbered "2".
- His remark that the mafia boss Bobo makes the Goodfeathers look legitimate.
- Followed by showing footage of them laughing at him.
Bobby Goodfeather: Get 'em outta my face.
- The "realistic" version of what would happen if Devon tried making that demand to be a cop in return for information:
Critic as Cop: "Okay son, why don't you come with me?"
(Devon!Critic toddles off)
(Blood sprays as he is beaten senseless)
- When the movie shows a Fruit Cart that doesn't get knocked over:
- When Devon picks up the phone in the police station, the Critic wonders what would happen if there was a real emergency on the other line:
Critic as Devon while the cops are laughing in the background: Hello, Officer Butler speaking. You say someone's trying to break into your house. You say the robber has a gun. You say he shot you in the ribs. Oh, oh, hold on. Uh, what does, "My husband will sue you for negligence," mean?
(laughter stops, car doors are shut and sirens go off)
- The fact that the people on the other line sound like Statler and Waldorf laughing makes it even funnier.
- The mere reference would be enough, but the combination of the plane sound, the moving camera, and the look on the guy's face are what make this priceless.
- The return of "pickled beets?".
- The Oddly Contrived Couple.
- The theme from Diff'rent Strokes playing everytime he cuts to the fake credits.
- "I mean, what’s next? A hostage negotiation handled by a three-year-old girl?" *beat* "Oh, I don’t have a bit, I’m just asking."
- Playing Darth Vader's infamous line when Reynolds's character denies being Devon's father.
- The X-Files theme playing after Devon's Vehicle Vanish. Even better when you remember that Burt Reynolds actually appeared in one episode.
- "I'm Devon Butler! I'm Spartacus! I'm Brian! I'm Malcolm X!"
- "Did this movie just invent the Twinkie-cam? ...that needs to be seen more."
- "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say-" *bang!* *credits*
- When the thugs rendezvous with "Bobo":
Critic: (completely deadpan)
It's Burt Reynolds. It's Burt Reynolds. It's Burt Reynolds. He's half the size. He doesn't talk. It's Burt Reynolds. (voice suddenly becomes upbeat)
Oh hey! It's Burt Reynolds!
Nick: Get in the car!
Critic: I am acting!
Top 11 Episodes of Batman: The Animated Series
- Attempting impressions of the various Batman actors, and not even dignifying George Clooney with that much.
- "Hello. I'm Batman. I remember it...because I'm Batman."
- The Critic's reaction to a certain clip this time around:
- The fact that he has testosterone pills just lying around.
- And when he takes them, a loud thud is heard, and he remarks that his testicles hit the floor. Also, his voice becomes much deeper.
- "And the award for best 'What the Fuck' opening goes to... that."
- Both in-universe and out, the expressions on the other villains' faces when Killer Croc's almost-defeat of Batman story was "I threw a rock at him."
Killer Croc: (trying desperately to make his story sound cooler) It was a big rock...
- And lastly...
Critic: Now for those of you who didn't see your faaaaavorite episode on there, here're the runners-up.
(Text appears that says "Bite me")
Critic: There we go. I'M the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! (leaves) Don't worry, he shows the real runners-up during the credits.
- The exceptionally long-reaching Call Back to his issues with the Mood Whiplash after Bambi's mother is killed.
- The Critic's impersonation of squeeing fanboy Batman.
- Putting Adam West's Batman voice clip, "Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!", during a segment of Stuff Blowing Up.
- Opening the review with "Sarah Palin is stupid. There, I got my Sarah Palin joke out of the way, let's talk about Alaska."
- The Critic commenting on how the music always has to sound epic over footage of Nothing Happening.
- He then sings: CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR YOU'RE CLEAR CLEAR CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR YOU'RE CLEAR CLEAR CLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAR! Clear!
- Shifting between cooing and awwing and horrified screaming as he interlinks clips of the adorable polar bear cub playing in the snow with clips of a bear mauling bloodied carcasses and attacking people.
- The Critic making fun of how the hunter has to say everything with a poetic edge to it.
- Seeing Sean play Street Fighter: The Movie The Game and wondering "who went down on who" to get THAT into the movie.
"This game wasn't even popular when... EVER!"
- His constant attempts to get the store owner to stop randomly talking about his eagle spirit guide and just give Sean the mail.
"You know what else the eagle is a symbol for? The Post Office. Gimme my mail you fucking old man!"
- "Would you like to hear how my hamster is my spiritual financial advisor?"
- The list of possible deaths of the mother, with "Eaten by polar bear" at the end.
- One them is just "Iron Maiden." (That's the torture device, not the band.)
- Although the "Executed by Columbian drug lords" and "Beaten to death over a stamp" lines were both gems as well.
- For the record, here is the Full list: Illness. Hanging. Shot. Poisoned. Broken Heart. Stabbed. Fell Off Cliff. Car Crash. Electrocuted. Drowning. Beheaded. Beaten to Death Over a Stamp. Executed by Columbian (sic) Drug Lords. Impaled. Iron Maiden. Sawed in Half. Eaten by Polar Bear.
- After Sean says he wishes his father died instead of his mother (to his father's face, no less!), Critic says he couldn't care about him anymore even if he spontaneously combusted upon leaving the room.
(Sean closes the door behind him and an explosion is heard.)
Critic: (makes a quick Sign of the Cross) And nobody will miss him. Next!
- The Critic's reaction to how mean spirited the movie is:
- When the poachers use the mother polar bear's carcass as a hand puppet: "It's like putting on a cute puppet show at your great aunt's funeral! WITH YOUR GREAT AUNT!"
- "You know, there's being mean in a movie, and then there's being the devil. This is being...the devil's devil, the devil the devil goes to when the devil's not being devilish enough. What's this rated? Doesn't matter IT SHOULDN'T BE VIEWED BY ANYBODY!"
- Makes it even more hilarious for a split second when he's about to zoom in on the poster when he asks what the movie's rated, then cuts back to him when he refuses!
- The Critic mocking the rescue crew's incompetence.
"DUUUUUUUH, WE NO SEE YOUR DAD-DY."
- This is followed by a skit where the rescue crew go by foot and the plane is literally behind them. Highlights include not even bothering to turn around and ignoring the blood-curdling scream.
- BEAR! (Dramatic music and lightning)
- The Critic's face after saying it makes it even funnier.
- The Golden Crisps product placement:
Critic: With color the same of a golden sunrise, Golden Crisp gives you that satisfying taste that only God's good pure Earth can give you! Plus, it's represented by...a BEAR!
- "Oh please tell me this results in another spinning shot with a choir thrown in for no reason!" *We see exactly that* "SQUEE!"
- When Sean says the bear is male because he got "a very good look":
"The only thing more dangerous than hunting BEARS is hunting...BEAR BALLS!"
- His remark that Sean's dad is becoming a permanent part of the Alaskan tour.
- His complaint that every bad deed can be excusable if you just say it's a spirit journey!
Kid: (off-screen) Dad, I'm off to put feces in the brownie sundae of the teacher I don't like.
Dad: ...Well I don't know if—
Kid: (off-screen) Spirit journey.
Dad: Oh okay.
- The return of "Time for a game of disappearing bears."
- "Just when the bear's about to be shot, he bites the knee which forces him to shoot the guy which forces him to shoot the helicopter which forces the controls to explode that WORRIED THE CAT WHO ATE THE RAT THAT LIVED IN THE HOUSE THAT JACK BUILT! Now give kudos, that's a funny way to go."
- Dump Dead Disney Parents here!
Let's Play Bart's Nightmare
- Each of the levels gives the Nostalgia Critic something to rant about, but it's the second Godzilla level where he manages to evade the Marge-Moth monster, and then immediately dies due to the camera moving up that sends him over the edge and swearing off all manner of video games.
- Calling the Marge-Moth "Freudian" because his mother is trying to kill him.
- Whenever he breaks into Angrish while playing.
- "THE FLYING FUCK—oh hey, I won."
- "As we all know, anything with the Simpsons name has to be gold...that is except for the show right now.
- "That seems to be the theme of the game: you go along and you die."
- The Critic seeing Bart get the bad grade and saying things like, "and my family wants to disown me", and, "A score!? What use is that?! There was a score!?"
- His reaction to the bazooka.
- "Okay, what's a plunger going to do against a bazooka— Oh, hey, I guess a lot."
- At the start he recalls playing Bebe's Kids (cut to him kicking and screaming on the floor, stomping the cartridge and firing his gun) and The Blues Brothers (cut to Heroic Blue Screen of Death and more gun shooting.)
James and the Giant Peach
- The Critic singing a bland song in the style of Randy Newman.
Randy Newman: Rhinos, they scare little boys. Assassinating parents don't bring 'em much joy...
- The entire review, with him being forced to do a positive review of a film everybody likes to make up for the negative reception of last week's Let's Play video. Every time he's about to say something negative, a bunch of people point guns at him and he changes his tune.
- Anytime he shows off his desperation to have people not be mad at him anymore:
Critic: Now, in any other movie, I'd say these two were as strongly constructed as a bomb shelter made out of popsicle sticks. But in this movie it works, because... ...I really want you to like me right now.
- The return of SCARY SLOW-MO!
- Not to mention the Internet greeting.
"Happy New Year from the Hag sisters! May all your resolutions come true and don't forget to WOOOOOOOOORK!!!!!"
- Turns out the "Internet State Penitentiary" resides right next to the State Home for the Ugly.
- His reaction to how James' parents died:
Narrator: An angry rhinoceros appeared out of nowhere and gobbled up his poor mother and father.
Critic: *remains silent, a forced smile on his face as he writes down the word "WHAT?" in small font.*
Clip is repeated
Critic: *still silent; he writes down the word "WHAT??" in large font.*
- Using a "NEWMAN!" clip every time a Randy Newman song appears.
- Describing the old man Pete Postlethwaite played as "a time-traveling Cap'n Crunch".
- "And a puked lunch in a pear tree!"
- The fact that he misspelled "pear."
- During the confrontation with a skeleton captain, who looks quite familiar:
(as the head rolls on the ground) And since I am dead, I can take off my head...
Critic (as skeleton): Now, tell me all you know about "Christmas Land".
- The Battle Hymn of the Republic playing during James's Calling the Old Man Out moment.
- The ending:
Critic: There. Have I restored anything in you guys' eyes?
Voice 1: *which sounds suspiciously like Douchey McNitpick* He says he didn't like the movie!
Voice 2: Kill him.
Critic: *screams as he is fired upon*
- The Monty Python segment.
*guns slowly approach the Nostalgia Critic*
Nostalgia Critic: I’m good!
- Critic's reaction to Spiker and Sponge coming after James with axes.
- "Oh hey, great! The movie suddenly turned into Marble Madness!"
- The Critic getting advice on using Chicago's transit system from a cloud:
Critic: Oh, what am I going to do to beat the Chicago traffic?
Cloud: Take the L Train.
Critic: "Take the L Train". Of course! Oh, but which one goes to the Loop?
Cloud: Take the Green Line via Harlem.
Critic: Of course! Oh, but what if I want to keep my options open?
Cloud: *displays a map of the Chicago public transit system*
Critic: Thanks, incredibly convient pile of clouds!
Cloud: Mapquest can suck it!!
- The part with The Lion King.
Mufasa: Look, Simba. Everything the light touches, is our kingdom.
Critic as Narrator: ...And then a rhino ate him up. *CHOMP! The end, cue Hakuna Matata.*
- The Critic's addition to Ms. Spider tucking James in for the night:
Critic as Ms. Spider: By the way, if I am sucking your brains out in the middle of the night, I apologize.
- This quote towards the end:
Critic: So they pull the two aunts up and wrap them up in web, no doubt suffocating them to death.
- "IT'S FLUBBER!"
- This comment during James' fight with the rhino Eldritch Abomination:
Earthworm: Remember what your parents said, James!
- "My Name is James", when the Critic finds out Randy Newman wrote the songs:
- Chester joining the mob, despite admitting that the Lets Play was the greatest video he's ever seen in his life.
- Believing he is reviewing the yet-unreleased Marvel film, and then when he realizes what he's actually reviewing, he lets out three squealing Big Nos.
- Getting fed up with the counterintuitive operating procedure of the heroes, the Critic decides to imagine a chain of agents passing a message:
British!Critic: Ah yes, after you have the information, drop it off to Agent Sister (a man), who will then drop it off to Agent Brother (a teenage girl), right after handing it over to Agent Cat (a Dalmatian), who will relay the message to Mr. Dog (a tabby), and Mr. Dog will confirm it with Agent Black (a Ku Klux Klan member).
- Earlier in the review, when the identity of Agent "Mother" is revealed:
Critic: Turns out that "Mother" in this movie is a man!
- The Doctor Strangelove references.
- The running gag about everyone being polite.
Peel: I'm going to start saying something clever, while you...
Steed: ...finish your sentence.
Peel: Witty retort...
Steed: ...topped by me.
Peel: Winking Smile.
- Gummy Bears...nuff said.
- Giving the viewers a choice of which bear meme to go with: "This is not over. Bears.", "Time for a game of disappearing bears.", and "I want that BEAR!!!" The Alaska meme wins.
- His unenthusiastic reaction to when Big Ben explodes: "Oh no. Look out. They're playing the stock footage from Mars Attacks!."
- Playing the Mega Man 2 theme when the robotic bees attack, followed by Proto Man's whistle when the old lady secret agent shows up.
- The stuffy British Angrish when Emma Peel walks into a club where women aren't allowed.
- "Well someone's having a bad bear day."
- Followed by the instinctive duck from the ensuing gunfire.
- His reaction to seeing the invisible agent in the movie and the resulting rant.
- Made even funnier when he says they have Godzilla on accounting.
- After pointing out that the henchman towards the end is played by Eddie Izzard...
- Taking the package telling to answer the phone gag to the extreme:
Critic: *opens package and reads note* Answer the phone...
Phone: Answer the door.
*doorbell rings. The Critic answers and gets another note*
: Turn off the stove... *turns the stove off and picks up a note next to it
* Open the microwave... *Ding! Opens the microwave and picks up yet another note in it
* "Tell Sean Connery it's too late for this movie, but he can still back out of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
." *crumples up the note and leaves
- "And that was The Avengers. What a cup of dick."
- The critic's reaction to the nonsensical and completely out of nowhere scene where a room full of agents have a meeting dressed as teddy bears. Yeah...it makes just as much sense in context.
Critic: So they go to a secret underground company called Wonderland Weather, where they— *sees the meeting* —THE FUCK?!!
Critic as Sean Connery dressed as a bear: My God! I must alert Andy Panda and Winnie the Pooh immediately!
- Sean Connery's death: "Finally! I've been raptured! Take me away, Jesus! I'll never do another movie like this again!"
- "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWD!! Even Sean Connery in all his coolness couldn't save this snore-fest!"
- "Don't worry. I have a dozen other Roger Moore pick-up lines!"
- "So, as they drive off to meet Mother, you may notice something very odd about the people of London in this movie: there's no people of London in this movie! What is this, 28 Days Later?! I've never seen the place so abandoned! Maybe they learned they were filming this shithole and evacuated the city to save on therapy bills!"
- "So the Avengers work their way behind the scenes, and—in keeping in character—aren’t the least bit weirded out that there’s a bunch of fucking bears walking around!"
- "I'm Pacman."
- I just want to Dance, Dance, Dance.
- The both of them laughing at a lame pun for 15 seconds straight.
Critic: ...wait, that's not funny!
- The cameo by 90s Kid
90's Kid: I even wrote a script! Let's see, uh...(Looks at paper) Lupa and 90's Kid start making out. Oh, wait, that's my fanfiction. (Looks at another paper) Ah, here it is! 90's Kid and Lupa start making out!
- The Critic and Lupa dressed as mad scientists trying to find an animator for their evil schemes. They soon turn to deviantART and hire Dr. Insano.
- Critic's constant dislike of the cyber-monks that aren't nearly as cool as those other ones.
- The following exchange:
Obscurus Lupa: It's like watching an incredibly bloody car wreck. Horrible to witness, but also really funny!
Nostalgia Critic: *says nothing, but maintains a confused/disturbed expression*
- WE HAVE HORRIBLE CHEWBACCA IMPRESSION!
- The constant use of cartoon sound effects on everything the Big Bad does.
Henchman: Where's the disc?
Simon: I don't have it.
Henchman: (singsongy) What a pity.
- The Critic gives a comparison of a "snappy comeback":
- In the beginning, the Critic refuses to let Obscurus Lupa to review the movie with him, and is blown away by her actually accepting his refusal and leaving, overwhelmed by the fact that someone actually listened to him for once...that is, until she suddenly forces her way into the review.
Critic: I fucking hate you.
Lupa: [cheerfully] I know.
- The The X-Files opening parody for Nostalgia-ween, which is almost a shot-for-shot remake of the original.
- The first photographs seen are of the Leprechaun riding a tricycle in the style of Billy the Puppet.
- In the bit which says "Paranormal Activity", it shows the DVD case of the movie.
- Pennywise from It also appears.
- Critic walks around the house with a flashlight, falls down the stairs, rubs his head, and continues. Filmed in still shots.
- The falling man is Ernest P. Worrell and in the background is Devil!Teddy Ruxpin
- The FBI badge, "Department of Criticism". Heck, the picture of himself on the badge.
- The hand shadows.
- Casper flying by in the intro.
- For both this and for the rest of Nostalgia-ween, he even has the X-Files theme as his closing music.
- The Dolls in the police chief's office. Aaaaaand cue sketch!
: Bryan, I was wondering if it was at all possible for you to...*cut to Bryan standing in front of a panorama of Roger Rabbit Dolls, strumming his fingers and staring intensely*
...uuh...by any chance get the report done by this Thursday?
Bryan: Well! We'll have to ask Roger before I can answer that! *turns to look at the doll collection* What do you think, Roger?
as Boss shifts his eyes nervously)
Bryan: Oh well! I tried!
Boss: *Opens mouth to question*
- Also Critic's reaction upon first seeing the doll room.
- The home version of the Stephen King Drinking Game, complete with beer glasses, pool toys, ball caps, and a talking Mr. Toomey action figure.
Scaring the little GIRL!!!??? LADY!!!
- The image of Pennywise accompanying the line "pool toys" with the words THEY FLOAT.
- ''I deduce you need more, dear boy."
- The hat saying "Balloons scare me".
- We represent the homicide guild, the homicide guild...
- The Stephen King cliche roll call to the opening tune of Gilligan's Island.
"The people live in Maine, of course; there's no where else to live, with The Writer! The Alchoholic too! The Adulterer and his whoore! Some dumb rednecks, a disappointing resolution! Here in Stephen King's Maine!
- The return of the Frying the Coke gag, as well as its explanation.
- The Six Million Dollar Asshole.
- The lead up to it was pretty good too. First he mockingly notes how evil he is for throwing away his wife's homemade sandwich. Then, his complaints when the adulterer laughs evilly (sort of) and makes fun of his wife's stupidity behind her back. This finally culminates in him calling out the Six Million Dollar Asshole's abandoning the search for the lost child...to get laid. You can just hear the anger in his voice.
- Fridge Brilliance, of course someone cheating on their wife would bother someone like Darth Vader, who became evil just so he could save his wife.
- "Say 'no' to Star Wars prequels!"
- After Jimmy Smits' character dies: "Services will be held on Alderaan... *after female lead's Big "NO!"* Okay, Hoth."
- Adding the Goofy scream to Jimmy Smits falling out a window.
- "Uh oh, Grandpa's off his meds again!"
- The appearance from The Cinema Snob when he confuses it for a porno (doesn't help that the mail-lady is played by infamous porn star Traci Lords).
- "And just what is inside the machine? The TARDIS from Doctor Who! No, no, that'd be somewhat creative."
- After the mailman's wife has her television speak directly to her, the Critic relates his own story of when the same thing happened to him when he fell asleep watching The Godfather. Hilarity ensues.
- When the kid's brother disappears, the appearance of Shang Tsung: "Your brother's soul is mine!"
- And when they find the kid brother in the alien ship.
Kid Brother: Worst...Magic trick...Ever!
- "So the whole town shows up...All twelve of 'em."
- When the kid opens up his closet and sees one of the aliens, we get this;
Nostalgia Critic: Zuul, motherfucker! *Kid slams the door* Ow! Son of a bitch, ow.
*Kid runs over to his brother*
Kid: Wake up, there's a monster in my closet!
NC: Don't listen to him! Just put your delicious brains back to sleep, doobie doob doo.
- The return of Catherine Zeta-Jones, and the Nostalgia Critic's full attention to her. To the point the original had to nudge him in order for him to make a comparison.
Critic: O-Oh yeah
, I guess I should compare and contrast. Ahem. The original woman who played Theo did really good, she was fine... *pushes Original!Theo aside
* Ohhh that body. Oh, Zeta, Zeta, Zeta. Oh, legs, legs, legs. Oh, Jones, Jones, Jones!
- And the cat-hiss he emits when the original tries to get a better comparison out of him.
- Culminating in his look of pure joy when it's revealed she's bisexual, complete with a nuclear explosion in the background.
- This bit:
Catherine Zeta-Jones: ...come 3 A.M....
Ooh, I will. Heh heh he— *SLAP!!!
* I deserved that.
- Even funnier from a meta point of view. A large portion of the Critic's fans love to see him get slapped about and otherwise abused, so it's always funny to imagine those fans' reactions.
- The gag is repeated again with "soft spot", and at the end when the Critic slaps himself after saying that the kiss on the cheek counts as first base.
- The Critic completely LOSING HIS MIND imitating Jan de Bont writing an "adult" version of the story!
"I'M THE ADULT!! I'M THE ADULT!! I WRITE ADULT THINGS!!!"
- Followed by him admitting to seriously considering killing the real one with a tether ball pole.
- When we first see a child ghost:
- Anything having to do with Owen Wilson's thankless role as the movie's official Captain Obvious guy.
Luke: Reeeally creepy.
- And the Critic's imitations of Owen Wilson.
- "I don't know which "W-sound" face to make..."
- "Spinach is green! I'm just throwing that out there!"
- The Critic performs a breathless, down-to-the-wire play-by-play of the exact moment the shark is jumped.
* Oh my God, I have seen some shark-jumping in my day, but that...that was total cock-dick!
- R.I.P., Don't Know and Don't Care.
- Repeated again: "Seriously though, a moment of silence for that completely pointless scene".
- The movie apparently fails so hard, that Zuul doesn't even try to put effort into the Running Gag.
*sound of footsteps* "Ahem. *bored tone* Zuul, Motherfucka, Zuul— *walks off* Okay, I'm going back to bed; just leave the check under my door."
- This moment, when Liam Neeson's character is almost drowned by a possessed statue:
Liam Neeson: Jesus, I need to get them out of here. *starts walking away*
Critic as Neeson: *garbled* NEVER!!!
- Unintentional, but for those of us who liked Clash, Neeson's defiance turns it into a funny Moment Of Awesome.
- The Critic emphasizing the silliness of the ghosts by playing Grim Grinning Ghosts from The Haunted Mansion ride.
- The scene with the child's face appearing on the Critic's pillow. Half hilarious and half Nightmare Fuel.
- The ending:
"I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and not even a bisexual Catherine Zeta-Jones
could save this movie. *beat
* Think about that
- The annoying kid that has such a dumb line for the one scene he's in. The Critic—of course—pokes fun at this.
Critic as kid: "To pee or not to pee!" Hehehe!
- The image alone was the best: "Hamlet, staring that little Puke-Anus from The Haunting".
: Oh God, they found Jeff Dunham
's lost dead terrorist puppet.
Skeleton: SILENCE!!! I Kill You!!
- And when the house begins to literally make a face at Eleanor:
Critic: Well, it's official. The house has turned into a cartoon.
*Photoshop of a cartoon-smile under the house's "evil eyes" appear*
House: I'm going to kill you, Eleanor! Hehehehehe!!
- How Shitty this Remake Is, by the Nostalgia Critic.
Critic: It's a pretty easy read; all it contains are the words "This movie sucks! This movie sucks! This movie sucks!"
- After all the spirits of the children are freed:
: What the hell
? You saved the people already dead and yet you left me like a chicken with its head cut off?! Ugh, fuck this shit man, I'm going to do Ben Stiller
movies; they're intentionally
- "And that's the remake of The Haunting. *twitches violently in rage and lifts his arms in the air, before—* I don't particularly care for it."
- The Critic's indecisiveness on whether or not this counts as an Old VS New episode, since the old wins hands-down, and yet he still intends to compare the two...cue utterly-confused looks from the kid and old man.
- His childish rendition of Jan de Bont's (alleged) thought processes behind the remake.
"I'M THE MASTER OF FUCKING SUBTLETY!!!!!"
Blair Witch 2
- The film starts with a montage of various news reports on the first Blair Witch movie, ending with a pretty obviously staged interview.
Obvious Friggin' Actor
- "So...we jumped one year ahead, from one year earlier, plus one season ahead, though it's one year earlier from when the movie was released. Pay attention; there's a fucking quiz later!"
- "So we have two pretentious authors, a pretentious Wiccan, a pretentious filmmaker, and of course their mangy dog."
- Comparing the goth girl to the goths in South Park.
- When a German woman complains that there's nothing in the forest but "old trees."
Critic: Did you even see the first movie?! For the first twenty minutes, I thought the Blair Witch was the grass!
- Goth!Critic, with a ridiculous amount of eyeliner and black lipstick.
Kimberly (the goth chick): In my mind I see them.
Goth!Critic: And for $2 a minute I can tell you more.
- The witch jokes:
Erica: You don't understand; Ellie was a good witch.
Critic: Oh, shit. Now you forced me to play this.
: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Critic: You're gift-wrapping this jokes for me, you know!
- What he's like after he's been drinking alone: shirtless and eating food off the floor, while a woman yells at him.
- "Aww, now I don't get to use my Witch Hazel clip."
- The rant at the end that starts out calm and slowly grows in rage and intensity, where he calls out all the plot holes, including how the "Book of Shadows" in the title isn't even mentioned at all.
- "Excuse me; I'm not done YELLING AT RANDOM!!!"
- When one of the characters is spinning around on a bed, the Critic decides to add in the sound of Homer whooping.
- When another character says he bought a Civil War factory for a dollar, the Critic surmises who put together such a ridiculous deal: Ol' Gil.
- When the protagonists start "hallucinating" about a "scary" ghost (allegedly the Blair Witch's) the Critic adds Cartman's singing to go along with the "dance".
- The Critic pointing out at the start of the film that he'd feel safer with The Three Stooges rather than the doctors seen in the film.
- The whole scene where the Shredder from the Ninja Turtles film sees images from the climax of said film.
Critic as Shredder: "Okay, seriously! NO ONE saw that? At all??!"
- His pointing out how funny the "I swear to Christ" line really sounds, then comparing it to Miss Piggy's voice.
- Chester A. Bum popping up in the middle of the critic clips.
Kim: Keep your motherfuckin' change!
Chester A. Bum: [off-screen] Did she say "change"?! I'll take that!
- "So the Blair Witch is Bigfoot from Monster Truck Rally? 'Cause that would be friggin' awesome!!"
- "Oh my god, it's a classic case of drive-by hooting!"
- "Wow. She really is Jessie from Saved by the Bell. Super pretentious, over the top and she made the transition into horrible striptease!"
- The part where it cuts to Jessie singing I'm So Excited too.
- "Naked chick! Don't come after me!"
- "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and pumpkin juice! *Beat* Why'd I say that? 'CAUSE IT MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE AS THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!"
- After a particularly mind-screwy scene:
The flying fuck was that scene about?! God, this better make fucking sense later on, or else...I'm gonna yell about it!
- The Critic getting fed up with the increasing amount of bizarre and random scenes that go nowhere:
OK, I'll give this film credit that I have absolutely no idea what the batfuck is going on, but all I'm gonna say is, it had better be leading up to something. A GOOD something!
Exorcist II: The Heretic
Doug's 1st Movie
- The opening:
*Open to Critic's head face down on the desk. Hold for 5 seconds. He raises his right index finger to signal the theme song to play.*
- The "You FUCKIN' people..." running gag.
- The song even made a tumor form in the Critic's brain, which he decided to name "Porkchop".
- NC noting that the fact the film flopped must have been a blow to Disney, since it means they wouldn't be able to make a sequel:
Hey, whatever did happen to Happily Ever After
? Well, you can find out in Cinderella IV: Filing Royal Taxes
- "The film opens in the Nineties, but for some reason people act like the Fifties as being told by the Seventies, as we see school bully Roger, not voiced by Billy West—" *boos and hisses ensue* "Buy your torches and pitchforks here." *advertisement appears below*
- The Critic's overjoyed reaction to when the intro plays the Disney theme for Doug and not the original theme; i.e., the single time he's ever enjoying this movie!
- So much so, that he takes the show's "Old Theme", shoves it down his pants, and pees on it!
"Ohhhh, that's good hatred!"
- The aforementioned "Porkchop" even disappears in a fiery explosion at that moment!
- This bit:
Doug: "I think you'd be great at whatever you want to do, Patti."
Critic as Doug:
"Especially me." *Rim Shot
- "Here, grab my ball."
- The Critic wondering if Doug blacks out during his long fantasy sequences:
Skeeter: So Doug, what do you think about the picture?
*Doug is in a trance*
Skeeter: Doug, I miss you when you do this.
*Doug is still in a trance*
- After Doug and Skeeter name the monster Herman Melville, it cuts to the real Melville's tombstone, him apparently turning in his grave!
"Oooooh, I feel disgraced somehow."
- "Being the Mayor, it's not like I have any possible power to fix this problem at all, so I guess we're stuck." *pauses for a second, at which point a Ridiculously Cute Critter marked "Clue" comes on screen which the Critic tries to catch* "Get a clue, get a clue, you moron, get a clue!!"
- Later, when the Mayor decides to "have some of Bud's famous leftover meatloaf" instead of actually doing something about Mr. Bluff, despite the fact that she has more than enough evidence to get him arrested: "AM I ON MARS?! TELL ME I'M ON MARS! None of this makes ANY goddamn sense, I MUST BE ON MARS!!!"
- When Doug decides to confide in Patti his plans to expose Mr. Bluff's plot, right in front of someone who he knows is friends with Mr. Bluff:
Critic: *seethes with rage before—* DUMBAAAASSSS!!!!! Dumbass, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS!!! HOW MUCH OF A DUMBASS ARE YOU??! In fact, if you look up "Dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of—
Critic: ...Well, it should be you in there!
- The Critic going nuts over the fact that the media is going nuts over a sea monster and don't notice high-schoolersnote inventing a shrink-ray and a giant robot!!
- The Critic calling the people "Dr. Seuss mutants" and "jellybean-colored Simpson rejects".
- "Hey, you know what? This is really stupid!"
- The Critic's epic rant when a high-school girlnote actually comments that the disguised monster looks like a cute girl.
- After seeing one of Doug's overly-elaborate fantasies, the Critic imagines a possible crossover with Nash. He's a knight, Nash is wearing a lab coat, a towel on his head and holding the Space Core from Portal2, and they're in a little girl's room adorned with Hello Kitty items.
Nash: ...You are weird.
- "Buuut...I digress."
- After a particularly bizarre Skeeter spazz-out:
"You're a waste of thought."
- "Stop saying Fuckytown!"
- Combining the concert scene from The Blues Brothers with the abnormally high security at the Valentine dance.
- The memorial for the Robot Maid, whom the Critic declares is the only likeable character in the entire movie.
- When he sees the destruction of the robot by Bluff's men as a Kick the Dog moment.
- At the end, the Critic declares that he never wants anything to do with Doug ever again:
*and whaddya know, the old theme music plays*
- The Critic noting that unlike Pokémon: The First Movie, in this case there wasn't a planned movie series to live up to the ballsy "The 1st movie" title, and that, coupled with the bombing of the Doug movie, ended up with the first movie being the only movie. Cue the wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaah.
- The Critic's "Be Disturbed" signal:
Snotty voice: Be disturbed...
- When a horse ends up being sliced to pieces:
Snotty voice: Be disturbed...
Audience: (even duller than usual) Aaaaaaah...
Snotty voice: Oh come on, I didn't believe that one.
Audience: (still duller than usual) Aaaaaaah...
Snotty voice: Don't make me force you to write essays interpreting the director's work.
Audience: (genuinely scared) AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Snotty voice: That's better.
- When Novak gets captured and tortured:
[Carl pulls Novak's intestine out]
Snotty voice: Be disturbed.
[Jennifer Lopez's face is shown]
Snotty voice: Now turned on.
[Carl starts clapping and squeeing]
Snotty voice: Now confused.
[Carl spirals Novak's intestines around a rotisserie]
Snotty voice: Now disturbed again.
- Plus, the whole time the "be disturbed" voice is an impression of Droopy.
- "Alright people. After months, and months of research we have come to the conclusion that our suspect...does officially have hands!"
- " My God... What if I'm the...?" *zoom in on the Critic's scared face as dramatic music plays*
- The animated Tarsem who keeps interrupting the movie.
Tarsem: Ask me what it means! ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS!! HOO HOO!!!
- Especially after the Critic gets sick of it and tries to kill him off... but since Tarsem keeps jumping around, he never manages to hit him.
Tarsem: Haha! You cannot kill what was never truly thinking!
- Calling the machine the The Lametrix and Lameception.
- Pee-Wee's Dungeon!
- The brief appearance of Slowly Drowning Woman Cam with "The Funky Chicken" playing in the background.
- Virgin Lopez.
- His irritation with Vince Vaughn's constant slack-jawed "obsessed" expression, including sticking his hand over the movie to play with his lips.
Raiders Of The Story Arc: Superman The Animated Series
- The Critic starts the review on Superman: The Animated Series. He then asks if he's already talked about Batman: The Animated Series. He is then answered by a shriek.
- The Critic stating the names of Superman's biological family and then wondering if their last name is "El". Cue image of L.
- The Critic pointing out that Brainiac's lying about Krypton not going to blow up makes no sense, because Jor-El already had a ship and an evacuation plan ready for quite a long time. He then proceeds to act out how Brainiac should have responded:
Critic as Brainiac: Bitches, you're screwed. Pile into Jor-El's car, it's a six-seater.
- Mary Jane Want Some.
- The ending where he finds out he has to review Felix the Cat: The Movie.
"What is the one movie you've begged me over and over to review— *poster appears on screen* WHY DO I ASK YOU?!?!"
- His reaction to the Kents deciding to take baby Kal-El:
"Yes, to hell with calling the authorities. Let's just replace the word "kidnapping" with "adoption"
, and assume all
our problems will be solved!"
- And he turns it into a running gag!
- "Never mind me, I'm just a giant walking mechanical robot going for a stroll— *WHAM!!* Oooooh, you piece of shit! I'll stab you in the yarbles!"
- Followed by Superman battling the robot: "So it looks like this fight is over and— *the robot fires a shotgun shell at Superman, sending him flying*
- "Well, no wonder the plane is falling; half of the equipment is missing!"
- Elisa's cameo in the Phantom Zone, in which she sings a gloriously hammy rendition of "Music of the Night."
- When the camera lingers on a partial upskirt shot of Lois, the Critic starts wondering aloud about the idea behind this shot, then he realizes his fans aren't even listening to him anymore and punishes them with a screamer popping out of Lois' skirt.
- When Lois comments on Superman's "S".
- At the very end when the theme is playing over the credits, we suddenly hear the Critic singing his own lyrics.
- The reference to Out There when Tony Jay starts talking.
"The world is cruel, the world is wicked..."
- "Today's wardrobe is Brought To You By The Letter 'M'."
- On the revelation that Lois used to date Lex Luthor:
"Oh, no, do tell. He's bald down there, isn't he."
- When the news of a little girl falling off a tall building reach Metropolis, the Critic finishes the news with "clearly she's possessed by the devil. Buy your torches and pitchforks here".
- "I guess the "S" stand for Speedy Gonzales".
- Pointing out the Double Standard of female co-workers calling male co-workers "cute":
"Of course, when a woman says that about a co-worker, it's fine. But if a man says that about a co-worker, suddenly it's a sexual harassment suit—I ONLY SAID IT ONCE, AMANDA!!!"
- When Superman saves Lois from certain death:
Critic as Superman
only get one; I am not
coming back for you next time
- The Critic questioning why it is that on Krypton, bizarre creatures coexist with Human Aliens and dogs:
Felix the Cat: The Movie
- The Critic beginning the review with a nervous breakdown and pleading for the audience to turn back.
"If a piece of shit took a piece of shit, and that
piece of shit took a piece of shit
(...) And THAT piece of SHIT made a movie
* AND THAT
MOVIE TOOK A PIECE OF SHIT
, THIS IS THE PIECE OF SHIT YOU WOULD SEE!!!!!
- "You sure you don't wanna turn back? There's still time; I'm sure Angry Joe has a good video!"
- "Changeformers! Less than you'd expect!"
- The Critic calling the two scientists Dr. Wily and Dr. Honeydew.
- "FUCKING BUBBLES!!!"
- Explosive snot. That is all.
- "Alright, I want you to make it look like he's dry-humping a trash can. No questions, dammit. No questions! I have a very specific vision!"
- The 3D Felix head!
3D!Felix and Mario:
Which one of our voices is more annoying?
Critic: DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE!!
Critic: FUCK YOU, YOU DECAPITATED MACY'S DAY BALLOON! YOU ARE SHIT ON A DICK!!!
- The Critic referring to the Felix head as "Cat Headroom".
- "Foxes, they like looking at bags. And then they walk away, so their...tails are gonna wag! You-pay-Randy-now."
- The shot of Oriana's Face Palm, which the Critic states pretty much sums up his reaction to the entire movie.
- "So after they escape the Doctor Who robots..."
- The Critic's theory that Oriana legally changed her name to "Princess" so she could keep her title.
- Combining the circus scene with Pink Floyd's The Wall.
- "Gonna take you right into the Random Zone!"
- The Critic's incredulity at the Princess having an all-powerful interdimensional transporter in her basement, and not using it:
Critic as Princess: I've been using it to make hot chocolate! *SLAP!!!!*
- Noting how Felix just casually laughs at the dead.
- "Okay, so after they escape the...Evil Boxes??"
- The several shots at how the Princess disbanded her kingdom's army, despite the threat of her evil uncle and his army.
Critic as Chief Minister: ...This conversation makes me feel drunk.
- The Critic's utter revulsion at the narmtastic final lines between Felix and the princess.
Princess: But I have a feeling that your gold will pass through the dimensional portal.
Felix: But Princess, I don't have any gold.
Princess: You're wrong, Felix. You do. You have a heart of gold.
- As water floods the cell after Felix attempts to drill his way out using his Magic Bag, several schools of fish swim by, prompting the Critic to comment that the sequence is "making the Yellow Submarine look sober".
- "It's like if Dr. Seuss really hated children and wanted to give parents a way of punishing them, without necessarily beating them. And yet the psychological scars would still be the same."
- "Give me the bag!" "No!" "Okay." End of story arc!
- "YOU'RE FREE OF THIS MOVIE!! FLEE! FLEE THIS CAULDRON OF ASS!!!" *screams of panicking masses ensue*
20's!Critic: Oh my god! A cat doing things with a bag! *starts flailing arms back and forth* Hide your children!!
- His reaction to the film SOMEHOW getting the Princess's uncle mixed up with his assistant after the explosion in the lab.
- His reaction to Poindexter getting into the circus by paying with wrenches, mainly due to how broken he sounds.
Critic: He paid with wrenches...? WHY WOULD HE PAY WITH WRENCHES?!?!?! IT MAKES NO SE-E-E-E-ENSE!!!
- "If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness and the only cure for it was watching this film, I'D SAY 'GIVE ME ANOTHER TERMINAL ILLNESS JUST SO I CAN DIE FASTER!!!'
- His reaction to Felix using hats on the "headhunters", with him being convinced that this was where somebody's drug money went.
"They had to hide it somewhere, so how about a movie that obviously had no effort put into it whatsoever! And on top of that, no one would ever see! It's genius! PURE DIABOLICAL GENIUS!"
Musical Review: Moulin Rouge
- The ENTIRE REVIEW. The fact that it's a musical is, in and of itself, just a wonderfully comical idea, executed absolutely flawlessly. The quality of the lyrics pretty much needs to be credited to this review's guest star Brental Floss, who provides many of the most hilarious moments!
- The review's beginning and Book Ends, which are near-exact replicas of the movie's. Complete with Linkara singing.
Chester A. Bum: ...I didn't even get a line!
- Chester is conducting with his change cup. In fact, just the shot of him walking into position, bobble hat bobbing up and down, is hilarious.
- As lampshaded by Lindsay in the bloopers, the Chick looking turned on when the Critic's trying hard not to admit he likes something in the movie.
- As for the moment when they're all very close together in the outtakes, we get this amusing bit:
Critic: This scene is stupid! Everything about it is stupid!
Lindsay: *still in "acting horny" mode* Your eyes are so blue.
: I know.
- And then Doug's Phelous impersonation, with Lindsay behaving like she's fangirling hard.
Lindsay: Please marry me. Take your vows in that voice.
- The Phelous musical number. That is all.
- Unexpectedly, the Chick and Brentalfloss tango across the screen. After a few more dance inserts, they're just standing there chatting, then suddenly realise they're on screen.
- In the outtakes, we hear what she's telling him. According to her, the Critic showed off his crotch in Suburban Knights on purpose.
- Also, the shots of the Critic walking from his house including a beach, the desert and the moon.
- Pretty much every line said by Brentalfloss when he's mimicking Zidler. He even makes up magic spell chants!
- Then later in the review, he realizes he actually does hate the movie (sort of) and then not only breaks character, but breaks down!
- The outtakes reveal that Doug eventually had to completely stop making eye contact with him to avoid cracking up.
- The new game of "Find the Shot that Lasts for Five Seconds". The timer itself self-destructs from sheer frustration.
- The Nostalgia Chick's entrance, dancing with Nella and Elisa clad in skimpy outfits with boas, then claiming this is just something they do every third Thursday.
- Nella and Elisa repeating the last two syllables of the Chick's sentences...which doesn't always really work.
Chick: ...And besides, it brought back the cinematic musical.
Nella and Elisa: ...ic-cal...
- "I'll have what she's having."
- As Satine tries to...seduce...the Duke while trying to hide Christian, the caption "Oscar Nominated Performance" appears.
You're telling me you'd actually
do the Woody Woodpecker
Routine to get a guy?
Chick: [not convincingly, and not meeting his eyes] Of — Of course not...that's...that's silly...
- The Chick's latest attempt to seduce Todd in the Shadows using the above method.
and sighs in frustration* ...I really should stop opening attachments from her.
- The title alone: "This will make you love me, I SWEAR!"
- Once it's descended into farce, the Chick wails "He's never gonna want me!"
- To top it all off, in the outtakes, Elisa "comforts" her by saying "it's true." You can even hear Doug saying "nice" in response behind the camera.
- The Critic's over-the-top, whacky rendition of the sequences at the movie's beginning, and the return of Animated!Tarsem.
Animated!Tarsem: Ask me what it means! ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS!! HOO-HOO-HOO!!!
- Oancitizen's growing rage at being denied the chance to sing in the crossover, culminating in an epic reviewer group freakout.
Critic: Oh, get over it!
Duke: I JUST DON'T... LIKE OTHER PEOPLE TOUCHING MY THINGS!!!
- The song "Guilty Pleasures" has quite a few, particularly when the Critic is listing bad movies he enjoys.
Brentalfloss and Chick: *horrified* Oh Jesus, no!
- The Chick's rant about Christian's Kick the Dog moment.
- In the bloopers, she does another version of the rant.
I paid my whore! Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's your whore
. Yeah, it's just like, that's vengeance, man. That's getting up in front of an audience and paying her to make her feel bad. That's not love, that's high school.
Critic: During Annie, someone got up and said, "I payed Annie, my whore!"
Chick: Have a flashback, this happening: It's a hard knock life!—I payed my whore!—BILLY!
- The Take That at the movie's Downer Ending, with the Critic shooting Brentalfloss just so he can mourn over his body. His ensuing expressions are priceless.
- The ending musical number The Review Must Go On by Team N Chick and the Critic, which is swiftly cut off near the end by Brentalfloss shooting the Critic. From heaven.
Brentalfloss: Ungrateful jackass.
- The Chick and Critic sing-snarking at each other. And that she goes off-message and starts singing about how she wants a sandwich.
- In the outtakes, the Chick's dog attempts to eat some of her sandwich out of her mouth.
- The Chick keeps returning the Critic's rhymes until he has to break from singing to say "We're going to end the song now!"
- Jumping from location to location: "Some convention of some kind, Disney World, Honolulu, 'classified' (Mothership Zeta), the future, two minutes ago, Spoony's house..." Complete with Spoony brushing his teeth and doing a Double Take at seeing them.
- When they end up in Disneyworld, a big joyful grin appears on the Chick's face.
- That Ship Tease-infested moment where the Critic recognizes the Chick's bedroom instantly. Also their confirming that she's "the only person more cynical than he is".
Critic: I feel like I'm in the beginning of a bizarre porno.
- The Chick implying she once got herself laid by singing Whitney Houston.
- "WELL, My balls are alive with the sound of—WHOOPIE!!!!"
- If you watch the deleted scenes, you'll see that we aren't the only ones who find it hilarious, as Brentalfloss fights the urge to laugh in the middle.
- Zidler's Like a Virgin sequence, with the Critic caught between Brentalfloss and the Chick's dancing.
- You can also see the Chick—with the happiest little girl grin—elbowing the Critic in the stomach over and over for funsies.
- This bit afterwards:
Critic: That was about doing it with a lady... Right?
- The Chick whips out The Little Mermaid in support of the Critic's mocking of "love at first sight." Brentalfloss sees the cover and says, "A-ha! A penis!"
- Also, the Critic telling the Chick to shut up because he likes The Little Mermaid; doubles as a Crowning Moment Of Awesome for fans who were less than pleased with the Chick's hatred of the movie.
- In the outtakes, Doug notes that all the towers look like penises to him, and says, "Maybe I'm just really sick."
- The commentary reveals that the joke wasn't actually in the script, and Doug simply brought the movie in case they wanted to randomly throw in a penis joke.
- After Satine dies:
Christian: *crying; which oddly, sounds like laughter* AHHH.... HA HA HA HA HA...!
Critic: Yeah, I guess it is kinda funny.
- Again from the outtakes, Lindsay playing with the top hat and flattening it before springing it open. Especially when she puts it over her crotch area.
- One more from the outtakes, Kyle's nearly perfect impression of Miss Piggy.
- These jokes on Christian, played by Ewan McGregor:
"Oh, yes, I'm sure
that's what Rodgers and Hammerstein had in mind when they wrote this angelic music;
dwarves, crossdressers and Obi-Wan Kenobi
in leiderhosen. Hey, if that
doesn't come into your mind when you hear this stuff, then you need to seek some help, weirdo!"
- At one point, the Critic derisively refers to Christian as "Trainspotting."
- "Sure, she's a whore, but that doesn't mean she's a whore...ible person."
- The Critic's Take Thats comparing the breakup scene and Christian's reaction to it to Twilight.
Babes in Toyland
- "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—" *head explodes* CHRISTMAS!!!!!
- The out-of-nowhere song about how Cincinnati is the greatest place ever:
- Georgie Porgie being the Captain Obvious of the movie.
- Did Humpty Dumpty just die?
- "Ooh boy, I can't wait to see what it is! *Opens the box* Wow! *shows to the audience that it's empty* It's a box!"
- "I'm off to find my dignity!"
- "Over my dead BUTT!!!"
- The part where the "car chase" scene is accompanied by the opening music from Super Mario Kart.
- The Ghost of Christmas Future flipping the Critic off with that long, bony finger.
- He shows up in front of the movie, then expects some kind of special effect to take him out, and just walks off when it doesn't happen.
- The Ghost of Christmas Phelous!
- The Critic pointing out that Lisa's issue of growing up too fast came into importance after two lines of shrugging it.
- The Critic complaining about Toyland's whole economy being based solely on cookies.
- And later remarking that the "economy" issue went unresolved.
- The Nostalgia Critic allowing the Ghost of Christmas Future to suggest any movie, and he chooses the 2000 version of The Grinch. The Critic tries to wiggle his way out, to no avail.
- The Ghost of Christmas Future tries to get the Critic on board with his Christmas Carol parody by getting him to join up with Obscurus Lupa's project. The Critic considers it, but angrily declines when he sees that the Ghost has actually tied up Lupa to get her to participate, despite the Ghost's protests that this is how she gets into character. Later, at the very end of the review...
- "Red! The blood of angry toys!/ Black! The dark of Barnaby's ass!"
- The Critic's ribbing of Pat Morita's pronunciation of Santa Claus ("Kraus"), especially how he was able to say the "On Dasher, On Dancer" parody in Miyagi's voice in one take without cracking up.
- "Now eggroll, now fried rice, now moo shu with ham! On wanton, on dumpling, and moo goo gai pan!"
- When the girl gets tied up, the rope obviously doesn't secure her. Cue the Critic with a rope draped loosely over his head.
Critic: *deadpan* Oh my god. They got me. Aaaah.
Critic: I'm no rope expert, but I think she can get out of that.
- What the heck is that.
- Keanu Reeves tries to attack the Big Bad. His henchmen, Zack and Nack, hold him back, with the Critic overdubbing:
Zack: Don't fuck with us, we've been to mime school.
Nack: I'm trapped in a box, I'm trapped in a box!
Toymaster: I'm going to let you in on a little secret, children. Actually a very big secret. A secret I've never shared with anyone before.
Mary: What secret? *The toymaster reaches down his trousers*
Critic: Oh my God, no ! *The toymaster pulls out a key* Oh.
- The entire review is done entirely in rhyme, as a parody/homage to Dr. Seuss.
- The Critic pointing out how unrealistic the Whos look, calling them scarier than the Grinch.
- To go along with the above, the Critic spends a lot of time describing how bad Whoville really looks:
Whoville looks dirty and kind of polluted. There's smog everywhere and the colors are muted. The wide angle makes things look strangely intense. And is it me, or did someone rub Vaseline in the lens? And the constant camera movement has gotta be the worst. There's more Dutch angles here than Battlefield Earth
. This doesn't look magical, it's ugly and heinous. This isn't Christmastime, it's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
- This bit of Fridge Logic:
Narrator: It could be perhaps that his shoes were too tight.
- This little gem:
Critic: *sighs* At the risk of sounding incredibly droll...d'oh, I can't help it!
- His gentle teasing of The Nostalgia Chick for having an obsession with blue men.
- The ending, just when you think the Critic has learned his lesson:
Narrator: Oh. Fuck you, then!
- The Critic being outraged at the Grinch's backstory, citing that his botched attempt at shaving was so humiliating, his classmates and even the teacher laughed at him.
- The part where the Critic does a Lampshade Hanging on the fact that, while the entire backstory of the Grinch is explained, the narrator still hasn't figured it out:
Critic: Wait a minute! "Whatever reason"? Dude, are you high?! THEY JUST TOLD YA THE REASON, YA DUMB STUPID GUY!! It's because he was mocked all the way from the start! What, did you just fall asleep at that part??!
- His comments on the Whos in this movie:
"But I know the Whos have the Christmas spirit in check." *cut to a scene of two Whos competing against each other
* "Wait, scratch that; they're as phony as Glen Beck.
For you see, these Whos are competitive and beyond materialistic. A town that loves the spirit? *snorts
* I guess that was unrealistic.
- "So the Grinch heads on down, he'll be glad that he did! Because this scene happens." *The Grinch lands face-first between Martha May's breasts* "You know, for kids!"
- Another priceless expression of revulsion after the Grinch puts Max up to the sleeping mayor:
"Really, movie? That had to be there, the guy from Arrested Development kissing a dog's derrier?"
- "There's an explosion in The Grinch? Who directed this, Michael Bay?!"
- "So the Grinch didn't steal Christmas, more like assassinated it."
- The Critic doing a scarily good imitation of the Grinch's iconic expression.
- The Take That to PETA:
"What the hell would PETA say for this little canine? Oh hell, as long as he's not wearing a Tanooki Suit
, it's fine."
- The Critic pointing out that during the Grinch's heart growing "three sizes", he literally feels pain in his chest, to which the Critic sees as a surprise Moment Killer.
- When the clouds open and light shines upon the Grinch:
Critic: So...God's in this movie? Well that I didn't know. Does he say—
I am the creator of a television show.
- The Critic's suggestions on how the film could be improved...which basically amount to simply airing the original animated special.
"That's the film. Oh my God! Could it be any longer?! I bet you're wondering what I would do to make it any stronger. Well...maybe you could shorten it, by an hour or two. And maybe some bright colors for a friendlier view. *clip from the remake shown with colors brightening
* A more subtle actor
might be anticipated. And hey, you know what else? Why not make it animated? Yes, those are the changes that I would insist. *beat
* Oh wait, we don't need to. IT FUCKING EXISTS."
- The Actor Allusion in reference to the fact that Anthony Hopkins is the narrator:
- In response to the Grinch's "mistletoe" insult at the Whobilation.
Critic: Dr. Seuss would be proud, this is what he intended. Mistletoe butt for moms to be offended.
- The Critic and Phelous impersonating each other in the beginning.
- The Critic's airy "this never happened with Lupa".
- Particularly as it goes against the expected joke of the Critic getting upset at someone copying him.
- Also Phelous and the Critic arguing over which movie to review, with the Critic wanting to review Silent Night, Deadly Night, only to learn the one he wants to review is not the one with "GARBAGE DAY!!!".
- The cameo from Phelous!Shredder.
- The fact that Phelous has a Festivus pole set up next to him throughout the entire review.
- Made even funnier by the Christmas lights around it, which completely contradicts the meaning of Festivus.
- "So, Prince Humperdinck is trying to capture Grima Wormtongue..."
- Throughout the review, they refer to Detective Norris as Humperdinck, though the Critic does once refer to him as "Officer Cashmere Sweater".
- The explanation of how the strangler was able to evade the cops: the car was being driven by Chief Wiggum.
Wiggum: Donuts! I got donuts! I...hey, I know you!
- Made better by how well synced the line is.
- The appearance of Catherine Hicks' character:
Critic: 7th Heaven? Really? That's where you know the mother from?
Phelous: Well, it's probably her most well-known role. Was she on anything else of note?
Phelous: Oh yeah, she was in that, wasn't she? Man, what an obscure reference.
Critic: Her being in 7th Heaven is the obscure reference!
Phelous: She was in 7th Heaven??
- The meta joke with Critic turning into Chester just a little bit more every time Phelous mentions it, eventually ending up with him trying to get into the trenchcoat as fast as possible.
Critic: Don't ruin the illusion, you're making kids cry!
- The Critic and Phelous acting as kids, betting whose creepy toy can give them more nightmares.
- Adding car sound effects to Chucky's speedy POV shots.
- Mocking the clumsiness of the first victim with Phelous simply throwing a sock at the Critic, who somehow loses control of his body and shoots himself in the head.
Phelous: That sock got whiter on your end. Weird.
- The back and forth jokes between the Critic and Phelous about toys gone bad.
Detective Norris: Look, Mrs. Barclay, I sympathize with you.
Critic: No, really. I do. I have a My Little Pony that slaughtered my family.
Phelous: I have a miniature Pikachu who ate my children.
Critic: I have an army of Legos that crucified my hamster.
Phelous: I have a Ninja Turtle with a drinking problem.
Critic: *more upbeat tone* What we're trying to say is... *flatly* ...you're crazy.
- The Critic editing shots from the Blues Brothers mall chase scene over the movie.
- When Casper gets banished, the Critic complains he'll need to find a new annoying Running Gag, Ask That Guy calls him up and tells him they'll talk. The Critic's completely fine with this.
- And then The Other Guy releases Casper again.
- The Critic testing things with a hammer that explode in his face as a Running Gag.
Critic: They should test those [object] better. *BOOM!!!!!*
- Made better that they explode before the hammer even hits them!
- When the Critic begins to test an electroshock therapy machine, he decides not to hit it, only for it to explode anyway.
- When the Witch Doctor calls Chucky an "abomination, an outrage against nature!"
- "He's got friends on the other side!"
- Also this:
*The Critic and Phelous stare awkwardly*
Critic: ...Next joke.
Phelous: Yeah, next joke.
- The callback to "Fuck you, Lucky Charms!" when Andy says " This is the end, 'friend'!"
- When Chucky gets various parts of his body shot off, audio from the Black Knight's famous scene begins to play.
BlackNight!Chucky: 'tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
BlackNight!Chucky: No, it isn't.
King Arthur: I'll have your leg!
BlackNight!Chucky: *leg gets blown off* I've had worse...I AM INVINCIBLE!! *gets shot in the back* Just a flesh wound.
- Not to mention the music from Terminator 2 later on.
- Phelous dying, then using a voodoo chant and transferring his soul into a pencil sharpener.
"I'm a pencil sharpener!"
- The Critic pointing out that Phelous had to die, since he himself had already died four times during the review.
- Made even better by his ranting.
- During a scene where Chucky is obviously a little person in a costume:
Critic: You know, it's the little people that really make this movie work.
- "Yes, keep driving faster, you'll eventually get away from the back seat."
- "Brought to you by a preposterous concept!"