Funny: The Nostalgia Critic 2009 Episodes
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- The beginning:
Critic: "Hey everybody, it's January! You know what that means! ...Probably not, 'cause I just made it up! It's Nickelodeon month!"
- Ren & Stimpy: "Sure it was gross and vulgar, but on the other hand, it was gross and vulgar!
- The extreme close-up on what is eventually revealed to be Spike's tongue when the Critic mentions Rugrats' weird episode openers.
- The Great War of Australian Stereotypes. It is...it is so very much a visual.
- The decreasing power of "Adventure Ho!" as the show goes on.
- The Critic mentioning the viewer knows another man whose name is Doug.
- Also, the fact he concludes the Rugrats review by stating the next review is really scary, complete with dramatic drumroll and slow zoom-ins.
- During the Rocko's Modern Life Review, The Critic tells us of one of the stranger episodes, involving a cat with a hook for a hand, a tooth destroying the city, and...
The Critic; But THAT'S not the strange part, no, the strange part is this
- Two moments while discussing about Hey Arnold!!
- The Critic discusses Helga naming her fist, and tells everyone he named his two fists:
Helga: You're gonna have to answer to Ol' Betsy.
Critic: That's not so tough, I named my fists two: this is Glenda and Pancake... I know, it doesn't seem very frightening but when you look at the... SHUT UP!
- The Critic going crazy over Helga's love/hate relationship with Arnold:
Helga: Oh my poor lost sweetheart, how I love you... and yet I hate you! And yet I love you! And yet I hate you! And yet I love you!
: *imitating Gollum
* We loves Arnold, we loves him so much, NO, WE HATES ARNOLD, WE HATES HIM SO MUCH, LOVE, HATE, LOVE, HATE *starts babbling*.
- "A boot, about, a boot, about, a boot, about, GET IT RIGHT!"
- "What is it with these 90s shows and having all the lyrics be nothing but 'doo's, 'da's and 'na's?"
- The beginning:
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Hey, kids! It’s Saturday night!
NC: School is out!
NC: The night is young!
NC: All your friends are free!
NC: And you can’t drive!
- Right after praising All That for African-Americans in their cast, he instantly changes his mind and calls them racist because In Living Color! had a higher percentage of black people.
- NC explaining the premise of Roundhouse, where there's improv and you have to imagine certain situations.
Nostalgia Critic: Now imagine that I am changing the channel. Oh, wait. I don’t. (holds up remote) That’s why we have concrete matter. (deep, demonic voice) USE IT!!
- And when he makes fun of the Midnight Society from Are You Afraid of the Dark?, including this part:
Gary: But one thing draws us together.
NC: Smoking weed around the fireplace.
Gary: The dark!
NC: And smoking weed around the fireplace.
- "SCREAMING IN EVERY OTHER SENTENCE IS NOT FUNNY! IT IS LOUD AND ANNOYING! AND ANYONE WHO DOES IT SHOULD BE SHOT..." (bang) "Unshot..." (bang) "And given a bag of money." (N.C. receives a bag of money to his surprise) "How about some lounge music?" (lounge music plays)
- Chester A. Bum's cameo.
- His EPIC freakout upon learning that he has to review Good Burger next.
- The entire "Grape Nose Boy" scene from the Good Burger review, which ends with the Critic describing the actually non-existent Eleventh Level Of Hell.
And lo and behold, an obnoxious douchebag with unconvincing dreads will put grapes in his nose and constantly shout 'Bloopity bloopity bloopity bloopity', and it will be called the Eleventh Level of Hell. Dante then wet himself and cried in fear.
- The end:
: Welcome to the Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order? Nostalgia Critic
: *feigning amusement* Yes, yes you can. *a Balrog's
face appears over his own* DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!
- The Critic's reaction to Abe Vigoda. "*Record Needle Scratch, the Critic waves his hand in a rewinding motion* Abe Vigoda, what are you doing?" Later: "Will someone please give Abe some direction? He's the funniest thing in this movie, and I don't even think he's supposed to be in it!"
- Ed: Why don't you want a partnership? Is it cause I'm black?
Nostalgia Critic: AAGH! A FUNNY JOKE!
- His reaction to Ed's dream in the beginning. He finally has to yell for it to stop, because he needs a minute.
- The clips of Hitler with subtitles like "And don't forget the fries with that! God HELP you if you forget the fries with that!"
- When the protagonists see that mondo burger is adding illegal substances to their food:
Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest
- The Nostalgia Critic singing Sweet Transvestite while the Nostalgia Chick randomly plays the accordion in the background during the review of Ferngully is just hilarious.
Chick: Now you're pregnant
AHH! AHHHH! AHHHH! [tries to pull away] Chick:
[smiles evilly and holds on to him]
- Especially funny if you're a Trekkie.
- Don't you ever try to bring logic into this movie again! This is FERN GULLY, BITCH!
- (after a scene with two very small-brained birds asking for a password:) "Welcome to hell?" (awkward smile) "Don't eat shrooms?" (awkward smile)
- Their expression when the two birds yell "Halt! Who goes there?" is priceless.
- "Isn't that right Jasmin - I mean Crysta. Maybe we should consult The Genie - I mean Batty. After all, that is why I'm Sultan - I mean king!...Which animated movie am I in again?"
- The following exchange:
The elf king: Somehow, I thought [humans would] be bigger!
Crysta: Well, we had sort of an accident, and he kinda... shrunk.
Listening to Robin Williams
rap is like listening to Eminem
, sung by M&Ms, while taking part in S&M. Critic:
Annoying, bad for you, and incredibly painful.
- "Hooray! I'm back to normal! Except...(looks down pants) NOOOO!
- Plus the Chick looking down too and being disturbed.
- The montage of clips of the Chick and Critic fighting. There's a fucking pillow fight in it!
- Every time they snap back to the looks on the Critic and Chick's faces.
- "TOO SUBTLE!"
- The Critic and Chick imitating fighting cats after the cock contest.
- "Look out, it's the plot!"
A Kid in King Arthur's Court
- During The Nostalgia Critic's review of A Kid in King Arthur's Court, upon seeing someone who, despite pretending to have no ill intentions, is quite obviously going to be the villain introduced, the Critic says,"By the way, did I mention that I'm the villain in this movie? No, because I don't have to!"
- "What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?"
- "'Ha! Did you see what I just did there? I made fun of your acting! Ha ha ha! Because I'm the one who's going to have a career after this movie! I was the villain in True Lies! When will you ever be in a James Cameron movie? Ah, ha ha ha!' Oh, God, I'm funny." Yeah, actually, you are.
- "My only hope is that I can knock out all memory of this movie by hitting myself on the head repeatedly with the complete works of Shakespeare."
- "I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't Blues Clues."
- "Don't mind me, I'm just a moving hunk of armour with a kid's face for a crotch!"
- Quiet, I think I hear my daughter pussing out.
- The running gag with the kid being scared of baseballs.
Critic As Calvin: Be careful, I think there might be a baseball in there! It'll kill your family!
- When he comments on how he can't hear the girl getting kidnapped.
Critic As Katie: Help me!
Calvin: I haven't had this much fun in my whole life.
Critic As Katie: Call the guards!
Calvin: I know you're worried about your father.
Critic As Katie: I'm worried about me you moron!
Calvin: I guess that's all.
Critic As Katie: Don't leave me!
Calvin: Oh yeah.
Critic As Katie: Help!
Calvin: You're a great kisser.
Critic As Katie: Oh my god what an idiot!
- Critic mentioning that Calvin plays baseball so bad he deserves to be mocked by everyone. Even stating that the land hates him (referring to the earthquake that kicks off the plot).
- Critic sarcastically calling Daniel Craig's character's Non Sequitur Thud a great James Bond moment.
The Good Son
Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog/Sonic Sat AM
- "This is torture! This is madness!!"
- The clip shown from A Clockwork Orange, making it so that Alex is being subjected to watching the show, especially since it sounds eerily like Alex is screaming "STOP IT, STOP IT, PLEASE I BEG YOU !"
- Regarding Robotnik in SatAM:
you can't take something as silly
-looking as Robotnik
and have him be the least
bit intimida— [SatAM Robotnik pops up] JESUS!
"Its like he's orgasming with every word!"
- The moment Nostalgia Critic's mind finally snaps under the madness of Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog:
Sonic: "Even you can learn something from a sloth!"
NC: "...FUCK THIS SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!" *proceeds to shoot the entire cast of AoStH*
- It already snaps earlier in the review: "What!? What!? Buh... Pumpkin!? What!? Pumpkin?! What!? I don't care what drug-induced land you're in, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin. How did you even come to that conclusion?! I mean what's next, he's gonna blow in his hand a beautiful woman's gonna come out?? (Grounder blows in his hand and a woman comes out) (low pitch) WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"
- "How can you blow into your hand and make a WOMAN? WHY would you even be chasing hedgehogs if you can blow into your hand and make a WOMAN?! It does not! Add! Up!"
- In fact, it seems as though his mind has already snapped when we first see him with a Heroic BSOD look on his face:
"I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to earth and lives in the realms of the real world. (beat)
UNTIL TODAY!! When that reality was challenged
by a blue-tinted hedgehog and his flying fox with two tails! This is the gateway to madness that the world of children's programming has chosen to call The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog
- Regarding SatAM: Honest to goodness effort, unlike (argh!) That. OTHER. SHOW!!!
- Even before that, when the opening of SatAM plays for the first time, he is shown crying Tears of Joy.
- His attempt at retiring "Of Course!" gag with Bison constantly interrupting him ending with his panel flattening the Critic.
- The Critic talking about how Scratch and Grounder's voices sound like ones you use when you make fun of somebody.
Critic: So I'm sitting there just talking to my friends, when suddenly the teacher walks in and is like (imitating Scratch) "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?"
Scratch: He made me persistent! He made you too dumb to quit!
Critic: And then my idiot friend is like (imitating Grounder) "Duhh, I don't know, I thought it started later!"
Grounder: Yeah! The chase is over!
- Regarding Princess Sally Acorn: "You're not really a Princess, you just took the title because it was cute! Take some responsibility. You're a queen now. QUEEN IT UP, BITCH!"
- The closing scene in which the Critic compares the two shows to two class projects:
Critic: It literally took nothing and turned it into something. Unlike...THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW! They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing! In fact, you know what it's like? It's like two students who turn in two separate projects for a class.
Critic (as student): Hey there, teach, here's my project. I tried to add as much character and psychological development as possible given the guidelines, but I think I came up with a pro-enviromental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it in their faces.
Critic (as teacher): Well, this is very well put together. Strong story, good characters, working beyond the material given to you... A+! Now, where's my other student, Fuck-Up McDumbass?
Critic (as Fuck-Up McDumbass): Hey, teach, here's my project! It's AWESOME! Uh, it's got a lot of, uh, running, a lot of, uh, chili dogs, ha-huh, it's got...a monkey, and a chicken, and they just yell all the time, they go "blah blah blah blah blah!" It's totally awesome.
Critic (as teacher): (not amused) McDumbass, did you put any effort into this?
Critic (as teacher)
, then gives an F*
- The Critic raging at the cliffhanger finale of Sonic SatAM.
- "How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like? 'Hey, kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya'? Then put on ''The Adventures of Sonic The Hedgehog! You'll love this cosmic, out-of-body raping of your senses! It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on! You must be at least this high to watch.' "
- The Critic mocking Antoine's cowardice:
Antonie: We go home, yes?
Top 11 Nostalgic Mindfucks
- The Critic saying "Yes.", with two other Critics then leaning onscreen and also going "Yes."
- "Well, if it isn't Mr. Puppy! Hello, Mr. Puppy--OH MY GOD, A GORILLA!!" GRRRAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRR!!
- His little kid reactions to "Halloween is Grinch Night" and "Pink Elephants on Parade".
*wide-eyed stare* "I just wet myself."
*confused expressions* "I'm not pissing myself with fear... but why?"
- "The best damn hallucination EVER!" *rocks out with Satan horns*
- "I'm already having problems with the 2D, I don't need THREE dimensions to tell me how fucked up this thing is!"
- When the Critic notes how strange it is that Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny are on-screen together:
: Ehh, so how's Pixar
saving your ass this time, Mickey?
Mickey: Suck my enchanted ballsack, you hunk of shit!
- PORCUPINES ARE GOD.
I'm a carrot. *Nostalgia Critic turns into carrot and does Evil Laugh
- In a meta-CMOF, Doug revealed that shortly after shooting this, he came down with a high fever and hallucinated that the carrot was coming to kill him and Rob.
- At one point, the Critic ends up upside-down over a looping animation of a man slipping on a banana and a giant walking banana slipping on the man, looks around, and announces "Wait, this isn't right." So he fixes his tie.
- His reactions to the opening of Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
NC: Is the window... talking?
- The entire #9, which is Dragons Lair II: Time Warp. Especially funny is when he has unanswered questions about the Beethoven level:
What the hell? Why is the piano flying? Why is the cat breathing fire
? And...why did Beethoven suddenly turn into Elton John
- His ironic description of "Pink Elephants on Parade" as "a bubbly brain-bash that no amount of alcohol can make you forget."
- "All right, I can take the madness and chaos of this world, but Brad Pitt?? FOR SOME REASON, THAT'S JUST TOO FAR!" His comment on Brad Pitt making Cool World as "surreal as possible".
- The ending, where he tries to get "back to reality" but footage from these mind-warping moments keeps popping up.
Critic: None other than that swirling menace known as...Twister!!
*cue clip from the Twister Game Commercial*
Commercial: *singing* Twister! The HOT SPOT!!!
Critic: No, no...that game is kinda hot. I'm talking about the movie devoid of hotness!
*shows picture of actress, Helen Hunt*
Critic: Mostly...devoid of hotness!
- Also from The Twister review:
Rabbit: "Funnel's getting thicker! It's moving to-"
Critic: "Is it me, or did the tornado just roar?" (replays tornado scene) "What, were there dinosaurs in that barn?" (a Tyrannosaurus rex flies through the air, bellowing)
- What happens whenever Jonas appears. *the Imperial March theme blares*
- This one:
: Let's talk about disaster movies! *shows a picture of Tom and Jerry: The Movie
* No, no, no...not that
kind of disaster movie...
- His attempt to end the overlapping music scene by summoning the Burger King. Who gets scared by it and runs and hides.
- Look out, it's the Sears Tower! *Sears Tower crashes into the scene courtesy of clipart* The Titanic! *Titanic crashes into scene* OZZY OSBOURNE! *Ozzy Osbourne in the middle of the road*
What's all this I hear about a tornado the- AIEE! *is run over by tornado chasers*
- The ending where he attempts to comfort the Burger King, who has apparently been traumatized by the movie. Then offers to get him some McDonalds food.
- His comment about the tornado literally chasing the heroes.
Critic: What, did they have tornado treats in their pockets?
- The Critic taunting the father in the begining of the movie for his attempt to keep the tornado from opening the door. Also Dorothy's short appearence there. Let's not forget "Damn you, Yugoslavian padlocks!"
- "Uh-oh, the tornado levels are fine, but the ackwardness levels are through the roof!"
- "It's okay, they were taking me to McDonald's anyway!"
- Later on: "Remember to drink Pepsi!" When Jonas gets sucked into a tornado.
- The Critic trying to hang himself after learning that there are 3,463,297 forced "I'm not into you" scenes.
- At the end of the movie, when the F5 tornado fails to kill the heroes and vanish:
- Critic's reaction upon hearing that Jonas got corporate sponsors to assist in their research.
Critic: "That son of a *pounds table* BITCH!"
- Commenting on Dorothy's useless-ness when it comes to tornado research.
Critic: (In a gleeful tone) "Wow! And what do the sensors tell us? That tornadoes are unpredictable! (Beat) FUCK!!!
- Talking about the stupid things that the characters continue to do throughout the film, whenever a tornado hits. Such as, taking shelter underneath an overpass, or strapping themselves to a pipe with a leather belt instead of hiding in a basement or a shelter... during an F5 tornado. It's made even more funny if you know that Doug lives in Chicago, IL, one of the states that resides right in Tornado Alley.
- The Running Gag about Jonas constantly endorsing products.
- When Bill and Jonas are driving next to each other, the Critic dubs voices in:
Bill: Blow me.
Garbage Pail Kids
- When Greaser Greg pulls out a switchblade:
- "Well, you know what they say; If at first you don't succeed, try try try try try trytrytrytrytry [video speeds up] TRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRYTRY [back to normal speed] UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LITTLE MIND CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!"
- The entire end of the Garbage Pail Kids review.
"My god. The movie has turned me into what it always was. A dirty piece of crap."
- On the names 'Tangerine' and 'Juice'
"This isn't a cast of characters, it's a fucking grocery list!"
- During Juice's fight with Dodge: "He's beating up a 12 year old kid! What an asshole!... Heh, heh, he's getting beaten up by a 12 year old kid. What an asshole."
- "What is up with this guy? Did Dodger kill his father or something? What's with the hate!?"
- One of the gang members' incredibly forced laughter, and the Critic's mockery of it.
- One of the GP Ks gives Dodger some advice. Critic's response?
Nostalgia Critic: Ah, words of wisdom from Valerie Vomit. Thank you so much.
- Critic's response to "The State Home for the Ugly":
Critic: You're telling me there's a state home for the ugly, and yet Joan Rivers, Michael Moore and Carrot Top are all allowed to roam free!? WHAT KIND OF SICK WORLD DO WE LIVE IN!?
- The Critic's scenario of how Christopher Plummer was forced into playing the Duke.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get Abe Vigoda for Good Burger
- His boggling over Edmund's line "I'm a fuwwy!" as well as to the Big Lipped Alligator Moment later on.
- The arguing narrators bit.
Narrator #1: And so the little boy looked out from his window, and (then he-)
Narrator #2: (And then) the other narrator stepped in to tell the story-
Narrator #1: Hey! Who's telling this story anyway?
Narrator #2: Well I don't know, I thought I was.
Narrator #1: You couldn't read your way out of an alphabet book.
Narrator #2: Hey! Them's fighting words!
Narrator #1: Come over here you meatsack! *beatdown ensues*
Narrator #2: My pancreas!
- His theory for the Plot Hole:
"You know, fuck it. I'm going to come up with my own theory. God got bored and wanted to fuck with the rooster, so he played yo-yo with the sun. There, now I'm happy."
- It's also referenced later:
- His thought concerning why there are also animals in the city while there are animals from the farm where the heroes came from.
- This bit also:
Goldie: What's he (Chanticleer) got that I ain't got?
Critic: Well a penis for starters.
- I'm talk-ing, I'm talk-ing, I'm drin-king my coff-ee and then I'm going to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
- "Aha! I'm going to waste all of their (phone) minutes! Mwahahahahaha!
- "No song that begins with the lyrics 'Tweedley-dee' can possibly be good. Go back and try again!!!"
- "Hey, look. She kissed him on the pecker..." (really long beat) "...Next scene."
- "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a crappy movie! It's a crappy movie!"
- "Screw this movie, i'ma goin' home."
- His imitations of the main voice actor, eventually culminating in an enraged outburst.
- The Kick the Grill moment.
- "These are the gayest villains ever!"
Titanic: The Animated Movie
- The entire rapping dog segment.
- Also, earlier when it starts and he begins getting progressively larger bottles of booze to make it bearable, ending with one nearly as big as him!
- This Bit:
William (talking to Angelica:
I was too busy looking for someone. (beat
) Now that I've found her, I'm not gonna let her get away from me again.
- During the ball scene:
William: Nothing you could tell me....could prevent me from loving you.
- Luti stan pudicho! this plot is muy stupido! It makes absolute no sense-o, this song is muy racist-o! ARIBA!!!!
- Now, I know what you're thinking: What's taking that iceberg so long anyway?
- Hey everybody, it's a SPLASH FIGHT! ooh, I'm gonna get you wet! woo hoo! splishy splashy!
- "Oh, that's nice, you ripped through pure metal like it was a waffle!"
- His reply after two of the people who got off the ship are laughing:
- "How dare they use casement window designs, it's so last century!"
- "Good lord! The movie's trying to drag him down with it!"
- "Don't worry, everything's gonna be fine now that Flipper's on the case!"
- Imitating the little girl who has lost her ball:
Waaaah, I've lost my ball! That's the worst thing that could happen to me on this trip!
- This bit:
Stepmother: You didn’t pack our clothes properly, you clumsy girl. (drops teacup) Pick up those bits of broken china at once.
Critic: (laughs) What the hell?! They actually break stuff for her to pick up? That's not evil; that's Tourette's syndrome. Come on, you gotta have some logic!
- In The Pagemaster, "I think we need a Sonic Sez right now."
- The "Zuul" gag.
"Zuul! ZUUL! ZUUL, MOTHERFUCKER, ZUUL!"
- This part:
- And a few seconds later:
Nostalgia Critic: Even the dragon is boring! Do something! DO SOMETHING!
Dark Helmet: Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: Do something!
- During the storm scene, when everything seems to be trying to kill Richie.
Critic As God: God is not pleased with you Culkin, I will smite you before you make the Nutcracker movie! *Telephone pole falls* Getting Even with Dad? I'm getting even with you! *Tree falls right in front of him* Good Son? Good bye! *He crashes into something and falls off the bike* Hahaha, I've got a million of them, I am God you know.
- The Critic's face during the creepy librarian scene always crack me up, as well as what happens at the end of the scene.
Libarian: You mean you don't need... I see.
Nostalgia Critic: That's fine, that's fine. Ooh, a little girl! You looking for adventure!
- As the dragon: "See, this is why I should digest my food instead of leaving them alive to plot a scheme."
- Although considering what happened a month or so later, there certainly are a couple amusing moments in the Nostalgia Critic's review of Moonwalker.
*impersonating Jackson's voice
* That's right, I don't care what you think...as this incredibly expensive musical representation of a middle finger clearly
Nostalgia Critic: *impersonating Jackson's voice* The Hills are alive, with the sound of JAMON!
*As Jackson's running down streets* JAMONE JAMONE JAMONE! WOO! WOO-WOO-WOO! HE! HE! HE! OBA-JE-JAMONE! JE-JE-HA-HA! JEBA-JE! JEBA-JE-HA! OW!
- With regards to the mixed-media career retrospective montage: "Michael Jackson's Flying Circus!"
- "This... is cwack."
- "When you wish upon a star... You turn into a fucking Transformer!"
- "Annie itchy oaky, Annie are you walkin', are you Wookie Annie"
- The bit regarding Leave Me Alone:
Nostalgia Critic: Are you kidding me? You spend the first half of the movie begging for attention, pleading people to acknowledge you as some sort of musical god, and now you're telling people to leave you alone?! What... did the aliens do to your brain, anyway?
- "FUCK!!! Michael's packing! "
- Referring to Mecha-Michael as "Poptimus Prime".
Nostalgia Critic (in falsetto, as Mecha-Michael guns down people): I just wanna bring love and joy to the world...
Top 11 Dumbest Superman Movie moments
Old vs New: Batman vs The Dark Knight
- "Now, to be fair, Christian Bale has a lot to act through. He has to play Bruce Wayne the college student, Bruce Wayne the outcast, Bruce Wayne the warrior, Bruce Wayne the drunken millionaire, and Bruce Wayne as Batman. Thank God they didn't ask him to do Bruce Wayne the transvestite. That would've destroyed him!"
- Christian Bale's Batman as a school teacher.
Dark Knight Batman!Critic: Goodnight, Moon! Goodnight, MOON! GOOD NIGHT, STAR!
- Critic's reaction after seeing Dark Knight!Joker's broadcasted threat to kill lives if Batman doesn't turn himself in. What really sells it is the little squeal he makes afterwards.
- At the end of the Nostalgia Critic's comparison of Batman and The Dark Knight, he gets a call from a spazzed out Christian Bale yelling at him about his comments on his voice-acting.
- This line:
Critic: You don't mess with Mr. Mom.
- Best Supporting Cast: Batman (by a Bob)
- On Batman's effects:
Critic: Yeah, that doesn't look like a model at all.
- The Critic getting continuously annoyed by the movie's lack of explanation for why the turtles are seperated.
Leonardo: I just feel like something's missing.
Critic: Like the plot that brought us here.
- Also, his reaction to finding out that Michelangelo and Donatello have gotten regular jobs.
- "Excuse me, I just walked in from Kung Fu Panda."
- Regarding one of the monsters: "We must get him back to Where the Wild Things Are!"
- After Leonardo angrily rants at Raphael for going around as a masked hero and endangering their family...
Leonardo: Did you think that this was the right thing to do?
Nostalgia Critic: YES! That is what you are supposed to do! I think that's the definition of superhero!
- The Critic mocking the extreme close-ups of Leonardo and Raphael's faces.
- During a fight scene, the Critic brings out a controller and pretends the movie is a video game. "Block block! Spin-attack, spin-attack! Jump jump jump! Drop-kick, drop-kick!"
- The Critic's dubbing of the Foot Ninjas after Karai refuses to serve the Stone Generals is pretty funny.
- At the end of the review, Ask That Guy with the Glasses cameos and does a product plug, explaining that the reason he's doing it is because he's an unbelievable whore.
- The Critic lampshading how brooding the turtles are in the movie.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
! Giant reptiles talking about things! Expressing their emotions! And analyzing them! Tune in next week, when Donatello discovers he might have bipolar depression! Stay tuned!
- From the Red Sonja review: "Are you over thewe~? Or over thewe~?"
- The Nostalgia Critic comments on some of the fan mail he got from irate Mako fans for making fun of Splinter's voice in the TMNT movie the previous week:
""You don't mess with Mako, motherfucker," "Leave Mako alone, he is the Man," and "You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako!" Well, there goes the one-year anniversary surprise...."
- And then saying "Sheesh, you guys are all acting like the guy died or someth—" (A memorial picture of Mako appears, showing that he did indeed die) "GOD DAMMIT!"
- Oh, a singing sword, great. It's the ancient mythology of a Bugs Bunny Cartoon!
- On the border between their land and that of the Evil Queen:
- His repeated remarks on the god-awful special effects:
My God! It jump cuts people out of existence!
Ha HA! I slipped the editor an extra fifty! Now I can jump cut wherever I want, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Short Circuit 1 & 2
- "I, ROBOT! YOU, DEAD!"
- His reaction to the beating Johnny 5 gets toward the end of Short Circuit 2.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JOOOOOOHNY FIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
- And the cuts between Johnny being mangled and:
- Doug's reaction to Ben saying "fucking" (though I'd swear he's saying "backing"). "Dude, Ben, watch the potty mouth, it's a kid's movie!" as well as the ensuing swear fest afterward.
- There is no God, there is only... FIVE!!!!!
- CRASH! ROAD RAGE! VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER! DISASSEMBLE THE WORLD!!!
- The very end of the Nostalgia Critic's review of Full House, where every time he begins to say his Catch Phrase, the Olsen twins attack him:
Nostalgia Critic: You know what I do and you know why I do it (runs like hell)
- "The cash cow goes? MOOOO!"
- And his reaction to Becky, Jesse's wife.
- "Off you go, bitch!"
- "Oh my god, the Olsen twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I knew it all along!"
- He points out that one of the side roles is being played by the same guy who did Aladdin's voice.
Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I ran into the actor and asked why he agreed to do the role.
(voiceclip from One jump ahead
): Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat, tell you all about it when I've got the time.
- An extended example of Hilarious in Hindsight: the Critic thinks that the only real funny thing about the show is Bob Saget, who is quite prissy as Danny Tanner and is quite a contrast as a stand-up comedian.
Critic: Anyone who watches Bob Saget's stand-up knows he is a raunchy, raunchy man. And you know that saying all that family-friendly bullshit is probably killing him.
- To prove his point, the Critic shows alternating snippets of Saget as Danny and on his stand-up. Saget talks in a kindly, caring tone on Full House, but swears up a storm in his stand-up!
Dan Tanner? Blow. Bob? (talking like The Joker)
You... are my number one... guy!
- The "Loosen his pants" line from North was (unintentionally) funny in and of itself, but the Critic moved it to a whole new level with his David Letterman-style "Nostalgia Critic's Top 10 Jokes for This Scene".
- North carries the dubious honor of having the worst joke he has ever heard in his life. He reacts accordingly.
- "Iiit's time to play... Spot The Joke!" *"Jeopardy!" Thinking Music*
- When Governor Ho is talking about how his wife is infertile:
Governor Ho: Hawaii is a very fertile land. In fact there is only one barren spot on the whole island. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.
NC: That's the worst thing ever uttered by a human being, this movie is pure evil.
- When North is leaving the last family:
- His rundown of the Once Acceptable Targets cumulate in...
- The "climax" of the movie.
So North rushes towards his parents, the henchman gets out his gun, pulls the trigger AND.... it was all a dream
You actually went to the lowest common denominator and made it all a dream?!! YOU ASS OF SHIT!!!
- This gem
Bruce Willis: ...that a bird in the hand is always greener then the grass on the other guy's bushes.
Nostalgia Critic:...I hate you.
- During Bruce Willis' first appearance:
Bruce Willis: Look kid, just because I'm in a bunny suit doesn't mean I...
Critic:Yes, yes it does. Whatever you were going to say, being in a bunny suit pretty much destroys all credibility.
- "You're not. You're really not."
"READ... A FUCKING... BOOK!"
- The Critic should know better by now than to be Tempting Fate, but noooooo...
"It's not like they got Kathy Bates, spraypainted her face and slapped on a black wig like a Minstrel show..." Yep, she appears just as predicted. "NO, NO..."
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Making of the Coming out of Their Shells Tour
- The Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd's team-up to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Making of Coming Out Of Our Shells is wall to wall hilarity, especially the repeated gags with the coffee mugs and both critics' emotional breakdown when the "concert" continues well, well, well after the credits have ended.
- WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!
- And their reaction when Raphael says that he 'was banging on some pipes'.
Critic and Nerd: *recoiling in disgust* Woahhhhh!
Nerd: I don't know what he's talking about, banging on pipes.
Critic: That's fucking gross.
- The review starts with the music used for the openings to later episodes of the 80's sitcom ALF.
- The Critic and Nerd making fun of the Turtles' awful animatronics/lip-synching.
- The Nerd proving that the turtles' terrible lip-synching could be combined with any song...by synching a performance clip with Raining Blood.
- "They don't even look like the Ninja Turtles! They look like Ninja Frogs! You're listening to FROGS! IT'S ALL A LIE!"
- The Critic and Nerd raging over the fact that you can't play a bass guitar with only one string. The Critic then likens it playing tennis with a one-stringed tennis racket, and shows a photo of what that might look like.
- Them making fun of how the Turtles' mouths hang open.
Nerd: (mouth hanging open) You talk like this all the time, don't you, Critic?
Critic: (mouth hanging open) Sure do, Nerd! Why would it be otherwise?
- Comparing the Turtles' music to Christian rock.
Critic (as Raphael): And now I'd like to tell you about this other dude I know!
Nerd (as Donatello): Who's that, Raph?
Raphael: A totally gnarly dude named Jesus. He died for our sins, and that's AWESOME!
Donatello: Jesus rocks, dude!
- The Nerd criticizing the design of the Splinter puppet.
Critic: What does that mean?
Raphael: If you coulda heard us at first, man, we were BAD! Like, "Thank you, dude! Next!"
Nerd: Yeah, not like now! Now, we're fuckin' awesome!
Critic: We're incredible!
Nerd: We're like Gods.
Critic: We play for the pope!
- "Dude, I am so wasted!"
- The conversation following the Critic's comment that the actors gave up on sentences and started saying random words.
Critic: The alphabet!
Nerd: Goat cheese!
- Both critics trying to find the "message" the producers are talking about.
Nerd: Eat fattening pizza?
Critic: Annoy your parents with loud music?
Nerd: No, we know what the real message is.
- The Nerd's reaction to Shredder.
Oh my God, that is the WORST Shredder I've ever seen! What is he, fuckin' Iron Chef
Critic: Hey, where'd you get that costume? Target or Wal-Mart?
- The Nerd's rant on the kid skateboarding across the stage:
Nerd: There's a scene where a kid just skateboards across the stage. Why? Did he get lost or something? Maybe he made a wrong turn on Bodacious Boulevard. Who the hell was that kid? Little fucking bastard. Where's the security when you need it? There's a kid skateboarding across the stage!
- This bit, when Raph starts rapping solo:
Nerd: I love this one scene where Donatello gives up and just walks off the stage. He's like "Fuck this, man. This shit's the worst."
- "Do they ever freeze in an embarrassing pose? *demonstrates* Like one of them's just standing there, taking a whizz, and then suddenly 'Oh, shit, the sun! Motherf-! *freezes*"
- When Goliath lets out all his anger in a shout:
Goliath: "I've been denied everything! EVEN MY RE-VENGE!!!"
Critic: "And on top of that, I THINK I HAVE A SPLIN-TER!!!"
- Big Lipped Alligator Moment!
Spork: The lineage of the sporks goes on for several eons. In fact we predate the dinosaurs.
- His description of "Future Tense" and its various plot twists:
"[...] where Goliath arrives in the future, and all hell broke loose as Xanatos has apparently taken over. Trying to set things right, all the Gargoyles get killed and slaughtered by Xanatos's army. But then it turns out Xanatos is really a computer with all the memories of the original person. But then it turns out it wasn't Xanatos at all, it was Lexington, who's become overtaken by madness. But then it turns out that it was all an illusion by Puck to try and get a mythical emblem [the Phoenix Gate] from Goliath. And then it turns out that it may or may not have been a dream. And then it turns out that Goliath is a woman! * cue fan art of female!Goliath* Okay, that didn't happen, but you get the idea!"
- Some creative editing makes it appear that in the pilot, Elisa goes over the side of the roof again after Goliath carries her back up and Bronx surprises her.
- His joke about how Lexington should have been named "Queens" serves as being Hilarious in Hindsight when one learns that Lexington was indeed gay.
- Goliath: "Those of your kind call me Goliath."
Critic: "... But my friends call me......... Go."
- His setting part of Goliath's dialogue to '70s porno music, stating that his wife must have married him just for the voice.
- Critic imagining what the offspring of Goliath and Elisa would look like.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
- His review of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a hilarious homage to his review of the first live-action Transformers movie...and is several minutes of pure Nerd-gasming. The icing on the cake of hilarity, however, is a cameo by none other than Chester A Bum
- "Dude, did he just steal my act?"
- Chester A. Bum's cameo in Steel. "Oh my god, they're filming a Shaq movie! I'm outta here!"
- Best summed up by a comment on Youtube.
- "It could have been worse. He could have played Wonder Woman. (pause) And I'm going to spare you that image. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it HA!" (cue image of Shaq dressed up as Wonder Woman) "Let it haunt your nightmares!" Aa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- "But one crucial piece of information still remains! DID GRANDMA EVER PERFECT THE SOUFFLÉ?!"
- SHE DID! *Ode to Joy starts playing as the Critic rejoices*
- This joke:
Sparky: "How do you read?" (referring to a wireless earpiece)
Critic as Steel: "Not well. I said yes to this script, didn't I?"
- When seeing Richard Roundtree's character, he utters a Big "NO!", and sings a parody of the Shaft song :
"Who's the private dick whose film career just went to shit ?"
Critic: Ya damn right... *wipes a tear off his face*
- Later, when Roundtree's character mentions he especially likes Steel's weapon's shaft, both the audience and the Critic start booing him.
- The Critic imitating one of the villain's odd laughs.
- "You think you’re gonna get away from me, but you're not, because it's on." (...) "A gate? Nah. Gates can't hold me, especially when it's on." (...) "Well, that just magnifies the amount of on-ness that's goin' on right now. Did I mention it's on? It's on."
Top 11 Cereal Mascots
- Two words: Cocoa Puffs. Crosses the line so many times yet it finally just loops back to being hysterical again.
Critic: Remember, kids, life may be rough, but don't do the Puffs.
(a clip of the infamous drug PSA with Pee-wee Herman is shown)
Pee-wee: It isn't glamorous or cool or kids' stuff.
- The Critic smashing Lucky.
- The Critic's incredulity toward giving the Honey Nut Cheerios bee a name, and an unimaginative one at that: Buzz Bee.
Last Action Hero
Old vs New: LOTR Animated vs LOTR
- "Now technically speaking this is all opinion based...but I have an online show, which automatically means that my opinion is better than yours." Beat "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah."
- This exchange:
Critic: Well thank you, Pippen!
Merry: I'm Merry!
Critic: Whatever, you're all short!
- The critic makes fun of Sam in the cartoon version. "And I want my bottle!"
- His impression of the animated Gandalf is also hilarious. And his impression of Gollum.
- Three words: "Sauron go BOOM!"
- "MOSH PIT!"
- "If you could kindly stab yourself with that, I'd be most thankful."
Captain N: The Game Master
- His summation of Captain N and Link's constant competing and trying to one-up the other.
*singing* "My cock's bigger than your cock...my cock's double the size that yours is..."
- Then when Zelda kisses Kevin, he reacts as Link, who in his show could never get to first base with her.
- CAPTAIN N: THE GAY MASTER!
- "It's not easy being g-g-g-g-green!"
- "Link! And you brought your friends for my coming-out party!" *DOO-DOO-DOO-DOOOOOOO!*
- "Now, [my whip's] sexual preference I can't speak for!"
- Mario as Isildur. "Suck my big fat meatballs!"
- And at the end
Critic: As for me, I'm still waiting for half the cast to turn up on Video Game Confessions!
Dominic: OI! You really don't want to see that. It, uh, it involves Mother Brain's genitalia.
- "The ruler of the Palace is Princess Lana. Oh yeah, from the game...*Shrugs* '80's Fashion Vomit'?"
- His comments on the voices of Mega Man and Kid Icarus.
(as Mega Man)
It's like if Popeye
smoked an entire Marlboro factory!
(as Kid Icarus) My testicus haven't droppedicus.
- The commentary also features Doug and Rob impersonating Mega Man, expressing their distaste for his voice.
- Concerning Simon Belmont, with the image of Simon in Simon's Quest:
Nostalgia Critic: "I mean, where did they even get the idea to gay him up so much? I mean the original hero has long hair, wears leather, carries a whip, jumps around in a skirt, I think I just answered my own question."
- Then you remember that Captain N Simon is wearing an aviator outfit, complete with goggles. A medieval vampire hunter dressed as a 1930's pilot. And Mr. Forehead meets Mr. Hand for the fifteenth time.
- Commenting on just how bad the animation can be at times, showing a couple of scenes from one episode showing Simon with the world's biggest duh face.
- Imitating Captain N and Princess Lana's stilted dance.
Critic:Yeah, shake that one leg! Pull off the geriatric drowning look!
- The Random Plot Generator, which is shown during the Critic's disdain for Lana being a princess instead of a queen, as an excuse to keep the king alive, though not around.
Critic!!Lana: I'm still a princess because my father's...
Random Plot Generator: Lost... Dead... Drunk... Darth Vader... Stuck...
Critic!!Lana: ...stuck... Yeah, that's it. ...in a...
Random Plot Generator: Time warp... Black hole... Castle... Elevator... Parallel dimension...
Critic!!Lana: ...parallel dimension... Ooh, that's rich. ...where he has no royal authority.
Random Plot Generator: He just eats combos and farts.
Critic!!Lana: So I don't have to make any hard choices or take any responsibility...
Random Plot Generator: Just bumming it.
Critic!!Lana: ...because he still technically is king and I just have to smile and wear pretty dresses.
Random Plot Generator: Go me!
Critic!!Lana: Politics is FUN!!!
We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story
Warriors of Virtue
- Komodo from Warriors of Virtue is a CMOF all by himself, but the Critic declaring him the missing Looney Tunes character really puts it over the top.
- About Komodo "I love this guy. Why doesn't he have his own Saturday morning cartoon show?"
- "I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen...." Particularly funny considering his previous review was an impersonation of Depp impersonating Hunter S. Thompson.
- "Now allow me to continue SHOUTING AT RANDOM!!!"
- The Linkara cameo, as well as:
- "The kitchen is on fire! Stop telling the kid the stupid story and help us!" Somehow, offscreen voices in Chinese restaurants are always comedy gold on this site.
- "The Monarch is not pleased."
- "Oh, Dance time." *cue music*
- "By all your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!"
- "IT WAS A LIFE!"
Top 11 Nostalgic F*ckups
! Where'd you get that?!
Douchy McNitpick: From my deepest hatred of you! I also have a picture of you kissing Divine and dancing the can-can with Hitler! Look, everyone, he's dancing the can-can with Hitler!
- "I've watched every single one of your videos 37 times and discovered a shitload of mistakes that you should be hanged for! HANGED FOR!"
Nostalgia Critic: So, every once in a while, I make one or two little mistakes...
Douchy: 35,670 to be exact!
Nostalgia Critic: (annoyed) ALL RIGHT!
- "If I can't trust an Internet celebrity who watches cartoons and shouts obscenities, who can I trust?!"
- The gag in the credits about Doug's less-than-stellar spelling.
Douchy: "Made" is spelled wron-
Alone in the Dark
Old vs New: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) vs. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
- The end of his Old vs New Charlie and the Chocolate Factory adaptations review, where the annoying Ear Worm from the 2005 adaptation plays, and when the Critic yells for something else, first "It's A Small World", then the DuckTales theme song, and finally the Doug theme song play. Quoting "Duck Amuck," the Critic angrily insists that the person messing with the sound show himself, at which point the camera pans out and we find Douchey McNitpick pulling the strings.
- When he's talking about how the 2005 Charlie is so perfect he could try out for Jesus. He shows the part where he breaks his candy bar to share with his family:
Critic As Charlie: Do this, in memory of me.
Grandpa Joe: (singing out the window during the "I've got a golden ticket" musical number) Good morning! Look at the sun!
(an animated tomato flies through the window and hits him in the face)
Critic's voice: (imitating the neighbors) SHUT UP!
- Point 3: The Songs. When discussing the soundtrack of the Burton version, Critic points out that the only catchy theme was the puppet song, which was earbleedingly catchy, much to his own chagrin.
Critic: But enough of that... (the song keeps playing) I said enough alright. For God's sakes!! At least play something else!! ("Small World" plays and Critic starts screaming)
Cool as Ice
- The Critic's review of Cool as Ice starts off with him simply laughing uncontrollably at the movie to the point where he can't even say his Catch Phrase, and just gets funnier from there, especially when he keeps making fun of Vanilla Ice's ridiculous outfits and dance moves.
"There's His Whiteness! ....why does he have a Post-It Note on the side of his head?"
"It's the latest dance moves! ....the Raggedy Ann Seizure."
"The spatula on my head approves of this situation."
"So we see the human crossword puzzle crossing the street...."
"Dig those dance steps. I think they call that the "Two-Year-Old Who Has To Pee" move."
"You like my shorts? I got 'em from the Hamburglar."
"This looks like a job for Chewed-up Black Condom Man!"
- Some of the greatest and lamest puns ever.
"Ah, the Zen of Ice. (Pause) Zice..."
- And the White-O-Meter, which tops out at "Conan O'Brien" and "Invisible."
- There's also the whole 'fast-forwarding' through the house scene, which the Critic calls 'A demented version of the cleaning-the-room scene from Mary Poppins.' And this line...
"Oh yeah Kat, words of wisdom. Drop dat zero, and get with the hero." "Yeah, got that off The Disney Channel."
- Oh, and the 'interesting' dance moves used at the end.
Nostalgia Critic: Aw, no no no no nononononono! That's like three pages of the Kama Sutra!
- When Ice saves Cathy, and later when he battles the thugs, NC parodies the 60's Batman music:
- The infamous bike jump, in which the White-O-Meter goes critical and the screen explodes in blinding light.
NC: GAH! TOO WHITE!!
- "Oh, those horrid rapscallions!"
- Go dumbass, go dumbass, go! Go dumbass, go dumbass, go!
- "Luckily, Max Headache comes along..."
- The sequence where the movie constantly shift between Ice talking to Cathy, and the two "frolicking", to NC's annoyance, When he demands the movie to pick a scene and stick with it, we get... frolicking with talking voiceover.
- This joke:
Ice: You need a psychiatrist!
Pot: You are so black!
Kettle: I'm not black, you're black!
- The Critic's expression throughout this argument screams, "What."
Ice: I was just chillin' in the 'hood, and thought you might want to go for a ride.
Critic: The 'hood? The 'HOOD?! What hood, the hood of your CAR?!
- The Critic imitates Kathy's mom when she 1st meets Johnny
- So Ice drops her back home after saving her from the very slow-moving vehicle.
The Next Karate Kid
- "Cockroach killer." "Whore." "Slut." "I do not know you."
- "And the award for Worst Exposition Ever Uttered In A Movie goes to...The Next Karate Kid! (applause) You suck!"
- "I JUST SHIT MYSELF."
- "Hilary Swank. You may know her from Boys Don't Cry..." [footage of Hilary's character dying] "...Million Dollar Baby..." [footage of Hilary's character dying] "...and my personal favorite, Dramatic Performance Followed by Death."
Yay, I'm finally a complete person! [gets shot in the head]
- When Julie outruns the security guard: "Don't make run. I'm filled with pork chops and syrup!"
- Just to mention one joke and let Wiki Magic do the rest:
NC: Get over it, you comic geek, your special effects suck!
- "BAT CREDIT CARD? JEE-YAAAAAAY-ZUS!!!"
- Linkara's reaction to Big Lipped Alligator Moment is nothing short of priceless.
- The opening with Linkara doing NC's lines, and NC finding out.
- "It's time to play International Politics!"
Linkara: Alright, Nostalgia Critic! You're Israel, a country surrounded on all sides by enemies who would happily see you wiped off the map! However, the only thing keeping them at bay is your nuclear arsenal! Now Superman comes in and says he's gonna take that arsenal away! What do you do???
NC: Um, tell him to hump my ass?
Linkara: Oh, I'm sorry, Critic, the correct answer was "applaud wildly"!
Next question, and this one's for the game! You're the Soviet Union. You're engaged in a Cold War
against the United States, and the fear of mutually assured destruction via nuclear weapons is the only thing that keeps you and the US from engaging in combat with conventional weapons! Suddenly, Superman comes along and says he's gonna take away all your nuclear weapons! What do you do?
NC: Ooh, I know! I know! Applaud wildly!
Linkara: That is correct! You won the grand prize, Critic! You get to continue watching this crap!
- Then there's his use of the Super Mario Bros. 3 "falling from airship" music to accompany Superman and Nuclear Man falling through the clouds.
- Any of the movie's lame attempts at comic relief actually do manage to become hilarious in this review. Clark Kent "goofily" working out is perfectly accented by Linkara's "It's time for some COMEDY!...Wasn't there an impending nuclear war?", and the scene where Supes needs to be in two places at once is underscored by "The Entertainer" and topped off with Critic's goofy face and arm motions.
- "OH NO YOU DON'T! You started this review, we're going to finish it!"
Nostalgia Critic: What are we reviewing again?
"Superman IV: The Quest for Peace" appears on-screen
Nostalgia Critic: Aw, fuckdonkeys!
- NC's reaction to Jeremy's voice:
Jeremy: I'll tell you who we should write a letter to that would do some good!
- This exchange:
NC:"How did you do that with your voice?"
- When Nuclear Man takes Lacy (a Puny Earthling, unlike Superman or Nuclear Man) into space, where she can perfectly breathe...
- Tickle Me Amy.
- "Hungry Hungry Hippos! Hungry Hungry Hippos!"
- The NC's impersonation of Tim Curry's bad accent in the film.
"The diamonds are here!"
"And queer! And not going any-weer!"
"No, n-(starts retching) Sorry, I'm just vomiting up my tuna sandwich!"
- Likewise, using a Laugh Track whenever Tim Curry speaks in the movie.
- And the line used as The Stinger: STOP! EA-ting my SESAME! CAKE!
Three Wild Gorillas
) (deadpan) Whatever.
First Gorilla: That was strange.
Second Gorilla: What the hell was she talking about?
Third Gorilla: Weird Power Glove wearing freak.
- "My accent just orgasms at it!"
- The awesome parody of the opening from The Lion King:
Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! This movie sucks! You should get a refund! Go see Toy Story next time. It's in the theater next door.
- The Critic's response to the scene in which Bruce Campbell gets a bloody eyeball thrown at him.
C'mon, Jeffrey, stop throwing your eyeballs at me. *beat* WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Siskel & Ebert Tribute
- From his tribute to Siskel And Ebert-"Why would you think that?"
- "So, besides me, what do you think of when you hear the word critic. (Image of The Angry Video Game Nerd shows up) "NO! Get that picture out of here!"
- The third answer to that question, which makes him stare at the viewer with an expression of "What the hell is wrong with you?"
- Blink and you'll miss it, but the list of religion's he's prejiduced against include "Whatever religion the Oompa Loompas practice."
- Ma-Ti at the hospital. That is all.
NC: So hey, why are you in the hospital, anyway?
Ma-Ti: I'm removing my balls. I am now a literal pussy!
NC: Oh, it's not like—
- "O-okay, this movie just went up a notch. Or... at least... SOMETHING went up a notch."
- "NOOO!!! NOT THE YAK!!! IT WAS MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER!!!" *cue Yakkity Yak*
- Also this:
Tank Girl's Producer:
Alright Ice-T, I know you got a lot of projects in the works, but just listen to this movie role.
Ice-T: Yeah, okay.
Producer: *Long pause* ...You're a kangaroo—
Ice-T: FUCK YEAH!!!
- "NOW BRING ME MORE THINGS TO SMASH!!!" *throws glass on the floor*
- "AQUAFINA IS PEEEEEEOPLE!!"
- "Ohhh, my Clockwork Oranges!"
- "Happy Happy, Joy Joy! Happy Happy, Joy Joy!"
- This bit:
Villain with bad elocution: —and (so on)!
- His expressions of revulsion at the horrible music number.
- "Ha ha! Baywatch! It's funny because it existed!"
- "Jinkies, motherfucker !"
- The "Drowning Girl Cam" when Tank Girl wastes time taunting the villain instead of going to save the little girl.
- At the beginning we get this.
"Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it...breaks down crying
"...but I don't want to!"
- The Critic's reaction to Rebecca's joking about Parental Incest
Rebecca: You just gotta…think about it like…the first time you got laid. You just gotta go, "Daddy…are you sure this is right?"
- "Oh, I guess we're in the promo for the Saturday morning cartoon now." "Why does this look like Andy Warhol's spit-up?"
- The "hard rock" version of I'm a Little Teapot.
- NC editing a scene into the mother telling Jack all the affairs she had, complete with scare chord.
- "I'm the Nostalgia Christmas. I Christmas so Christmas Christmas. *beat* CHRISTMAS!!!"
- After Jack dies in a car accident and the screen smashes to black, the scene then switches to one year later at his son's school. The NC is not happy with this sudden transition.
"Good Lord, that was terrible! What, are they trying to brush off death like one of those old awkward Disney films?
(Jack's car accident scene is repeated, then cuts to "Spring Song" from Bambi)
- His reaction to the snowman. Take your pick.
"I think I'm gonna hurl!"
"It doesn't look so much like it wants to play with Charlie as friggin' eat him!"
"Can we keep the creepy snowman out of our faces?" (Jack exits frame) "Good, that—" (Jack suddenly enters back into frame) "OH, GOD! Take it away!!"
- After Jack Frost rejects the idea of using two snowballs as breasts, and throws them back at the kid who threw them:
Critic: Wow, I didn't think anything could top DuckTits, but that came pretty damn close.
- This bit:
Jack Frost: You know, the nice thing about having these big balls, excuse me...
Critic: Oh, good to know you're still a perv.
- The Critic saying snowman Jack standing still looks like he's trying to take a dump.
- "I mean, we're, like, 35 minutes in, and I haven't seen one wink of Frosty T. Blowman!"
He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special
- "My god, those TRANSFORMING robots are TRANSFORMING into some kind of TRANSFORMED evil! I think they're called ……Care Bears!"
- The NC's surprise over how Swift Wind sounds.
I mean, what girl wants to hear their unicorn say: "C'mon She-Ra! Let's go fight some evil doers! Maybe we can stop by the cigar store on the way there!"?
- "Yeah, maybe you could find a cell phone...maybe call someone who can come up here and rescue us. Oh, by the way....WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!?"
- The "Gay Jokes I Could Have Made" counter
- He breaks his moratorium on gay jokes briefly to point out how phallic one of the vehicles looks, wondering how it could possibly have been accidental. This is followed shortly by a giant metal hand grasping it. Tightly.
- Him imitating Orko during the end of the special.
- "Christmas time?! I'm JEWISH! I get eight candles, a dreidle and a new pair of slacks every year, I'll be as fucking grouchy as I please, you little Hitler Youths!"
- The Critic pointing out that no one seems to notice or care about the Transformation Sequence.
He-Man: Hey sis. I have the power.
Critic: I love how the transformations aren't a big deal anymore. She could be doing the dishes, and be like "Oh hey, He-Man, when you get a chance could you-"
He-Man: Offscreen*"I HAVE THE POWER!"
Critic: [simultaneously] "-Oh, okay nevermind."
- "Who are your friends? I'm the gay son of Casey Kasem and Jerry Seinfeld. Nyeaaah."
- The Critic misconstruing Hordak's name
- "Just look at Skeletor's face. Clearly, not even he can understand Horde Prime"
- (As Skeletor) "You need to enunciate! I have no lips, and even I can enunciate!"
- "*imitating Swift Wind* "OH, GOD! Every time this happens, I feel unbelievable pain! God, I hate sprouting these wings! Aaaaah, sweet Jesus, it hurts!"
- Bo being frozen with the "I WAS FROZEN TODAY" sound clip
- "Dude you shot him in the Skelenads!"
Hordak: Time to take this goodie goods.
Rob as Skeletor: You just shot my goodie goods.
She-Ra: The beast-monster!
- The Critic projectile vomiting into a paper bag at the sound of the kids' Christmas song.
- When wondering why Skeletor added a coat-creating device on his magic wand, he imitates a conversation between Skeletor and another guy :
Other Guy: But why ?
Critic!Skeletor: Why ? Why ?! What if it gets cold ?! People need to keep their body heat at a neutral level ! It also makes the little umbrellas that you put at the top of drinks !
Other Guy: But why does it do that ?
Other Guy: Oh.
Critic!Skeletor: I am Skeletor !
- "What do you want, a cookie?" It's just the way he says it and the scene that came before the line that just cracks me up.
The Top 11 Next Best Christmas Specials
- Two words: Die Hard.
- More specifically, five words; "Fuck you, it's Die Hard!"
- His reaction to receiving the Star Wars Holiday Special.
- The package he receives says "Star Wars Christmas Special!" The exclamation point was the icing on the cake.
- Also, "Bitch, you pregnant! Bye!!"
- When he talks about things most films related to the birth of Christ leave out - such as how Joseph is about to stone Mary to death for her apparent infidelity:
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: *as Joseph* Oh, really? Immaculate conception, huh? *beat* Oh, the son of God, yeah, the Lord of all, no kidding? *fake laughter* Well, I'm gonna give the Archangel two seconds before I *raises fist* POUND THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YA-!
*A sphere of light appears to angelic music.*
ANGEL: Don't, Joseph, it's cool.
*The light fades.*
NOSTALGIA CRITIC: You got lucky.
The Star Wars Holiday Special
- "Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it — (gets up, tries to make a break for it)
- Wookiee Christmas Carols...'nuff said.
- Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine discussing the need to close down Bea Arthur's bar on Tatooine. In the commentary Doug says the beat right before Vader asks why they need Bea Arthur is his favorite joke in the review.
- The Critic's horrified reaction to the "Grandpa Wookiee" watching some strange holographic videonote .
Critic: Are humans just the most attractive creatures in the universe? I mean, you got Jabba putting Leia in a slave outfit, and now we've got a Wookie jerking off to this chick! How many interspecies love nests are there?!
- "Ve hear you've been hiding Jewish Evoks"
- "Well that just perms my hair."
- "Santa Christ, Santa Christ. We all love Santa Christ!"
- "He played bass for Aerosmith! Reads to sick orphans, too! He goes surfing in space and makes really good fondue!"
- All the wookiee growling making his ears bleed.
- The Critic being baffled at a Stormtrooper tripping over his own gun: "Imagine someone like this in a real combat situation. Oh look, some rebels! " *takes out gun pointing it upwards, mistakenly shoots himself in the head and falls over*
- The commentary by Doug and Rob has some
- The Wookie version of the Brady Bunch theme song.
- I'm Going to Hell for This is uttered twice, in reference to the "Jewish Ewoks" joke and the Santa Christ song at the end.
- During the commentary Rob gets a call from his girlfriend and actually takes it as they're recording, much to Doug's chagrin, prompting Doug to try and be as annoying as possible while he's talking to her. This quickly degenerates into the brothers yelling insults at each other.
- "They show you every. Single. Solitary. STEP!!!"
- "Gawd! They sound like humpback whales GETTING THEIR DICKS CHOPPED OFF!!"
- "A big lipped—" "Don't—don't use that. If you point them all out, we're gonna be here all night."
- The Critic saying that he feels like he's getting stupider while watching the part with the instruction video:
"There goes my college education."
"There goes whatever 5 times 5 equals."
"There goes my name. Don't... don't remember it anymore."
- "Is that Greedo? Hmm. I guess he did shoot first."
- DO SOMETHING!!!
- "So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting the stock footage from the first movie..."
- Him comparing the animated sequence with the cutscenes in the CD-i Zelda games.
- "GAH! Why does Solo looke like Richard Gere's crinkled-up caricature?"
- The entire "Stir, whip, stir, whip" sequence.
Critic: ENOUGH!!! GOD DAMN IT, ENOUGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!! How is this entertaining?! What was the intended audience for this? Ages dead to one?!
- He does take the time to say that Bea Arthur was actually quite entertaining in her Cantina segment.
- "Harvey Korman! Haven't seen him in the past 5 minutes of torture!"
- "When you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars. Not these walking dog anuses all day!"
- "GOD DAMMIT, THE FUCKING WOOKIEES! I hope he [Lumpy] gets stuck in a drainpipe!"
- "Is there a video that teaches you how to make a goddamned holiday special? BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONE YOU GODDAMNED NEED" (while we are treated to a FULL instructional video of Harvey Korman assembling a transmitter in the middle of the special.)
Ernest Saves Christmas
- Santa Claus in Dr. Ho
- "M, V, M, V, M, V, M, V..." * cuts to Clip of Star Wars Holiday Special* "Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip... "NO! NO! WE'RE NOT GOING BACK TO THAT!"
- Any line making Douglas Seale the most badass Santa ever. "Time to open a can!"
- "Wassup, my niggaz?"
- The Crazy Taxi gag. 'Nuff said.
- 100 Mugging Points!
- "Don't forget to hit the Asians!"
- "So Ernest P. Worrel drives Santa Claus around in a cab... boy, that's something I didn't think I'd say today."
- Ernest in Santa's sled crashing into Superman. "That's one messy Christmas."
- The Running Gag involving Santa's...erm...sack.
- "Aw great, ya blew up the......Santa Pun-O-Meter? Why do I have one of those?"
- "Call the police!"
- "You Need to Get Laid, Ernest."
- "You Missed! But you can still get Jack Skellington."
- The Running Gag about Santa's list
Santa: I had a list of names. There were several hundred, but for one reason or another, they were eliminated until you were the only one left.
NC: Woah !, Santa's got mob ties. (As Santa) I broke their merry little thumbs and shoved them down the yuletide elevator shaft. Don't make me do that to you, Joe
- "We represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..."
- The Christmas Slay routine.
Santa: Joe, I thought this motion picture was called Christmas Sleigh?
Director: S-L-A-Y. It's about an alien from outer space.
It's made by Uwe Boll
? [Santa punches the director]
Yeah, I'd hit someone who works for Uwe Boll
- Any lines of NC saying anything in the Santa voice;
Lying girl co-star: That's my mean uncle, he works me like a slave and locks me in the basement-