Film: Cool as Ice

"When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add ice."

And he dances, too.
A very strange 1991 film starring Vanilla Ice. The director is David Kellogg, whose ADD directorial, er, "style" would be repeated in Inspector Gadget.

In it, Ice is the leader of a hip hop/dance crew/biker gang/who knows who falls in love with a pretty honors student. Her family is in hiding from bad guys (don't expect this to be adequately explained). Her father assumes Ice is one of them just because... well, just because he is Vanilla Ice, basically. But Ice eventually saves the day and all is well in the end.

Naomi Campbell makes a cameo in the opening credits.

This film provides examples of:

  • Almost Kiss: The eponymous Ice and random chick are about to kiss/straight up have sex when the little brother walks through the unlocked door and interrupts.
  • Alternate DVD Commentary: RiffTrax took a shot at it in 2013.
  • Badass Boast: One of the mooks gets off a genuinely good one.
    Tommy: Back off, I've seen America's Most Wanted!
    Mook: (dropping all pretense) Oh, yeah? Did you see the episode I was on?
  • Behind the Black: When Kathy is walking home from the Sugar Shack (in the middle of the street, for some reason), the bad guys spot her and try to run her over. Ice somehow manages to ride up next to her on a loud sporting motorcycle without anyone hearing or noticing him before he appears on camera.
  • Billing Displacement: In the end credits, Naomi Campbell is listed before Vanilla Ice.
  • Black Best Friend: Three of them!
  • Bratty Half-Pint: Tommy. Not quite as annoying as some cases, but that might be just in comparison to the rest of the cast.
  • But Not Too White: Kathy's family make Mr. Van Winkle look as Hip Hop as he thinks he is.
  • Catch Phrase: "Yup yup."
  • Character Shilling: Kathy's little brother literally gasps with wonderment at Johnny's coolness.
  • Chekhov's Gun: The noisy machinery at the construction site. Don't expect this to make sense.
  • Coincidental Broadcast: Both the protagonist and antagonist learn about Kathy's identity when they see her interviewed by a TV reporter. Adding to the improbability, the villain watches the interview in a location which is implied to be far away from Kathy's hometown, and presumably in a different media market.
  • Cool Bike: Johnny's bike is supposed to be this. In real life, it was actually one of Ice's at the time.
  • Cool Old Guy / Cool Old Lady: The two old people in the bizarre house are probably the most interesting characters in the movie.
  • Dance Party Ending: The film ends exactly as it began, with Johnny rapping at a club. Kathy is in the audience.
  • Design Student's Orgasm: The house belonging to the Cool Old People. It's just the cherry on top of the WTF sundae that is this movie.
    • But it is the fricking cherry!
  • Dirty Kid: Kathy's brother Tommy. "As soon as you're done making sex?!"
  • Dramatic Drop: Johnny's hip hop routine is so shocking that a bystander drops his drink, which shatters on the floor.
  • Dreadful Musician: The 'performers' at the Sugar Shack, who somehow make Vanilla Ice sound good(ish).
  • Dull Surprise: All over the place, but mostly from Kathy's father.
  • Excuse Plot: Despite the fact it's also a rip-off of The Wild One, the plot is really just an excuse to get Vanilla Ice to start rapping or posing.
  • Falling in Love Montage: Johnny and Kathy frolic at a construction site, on a beach, on a horse, in a meadow, on a salt flat...
  • Flippant Forgiveness: Kathy's fiancee watches her dance with Vanilla Ice at a party, and afterward takes her aside and forgives her for it. This is meant to be seen by the audience as evidence that he's a pompous asshole and she'd be better off dumping him for Ice. It manages to get across the first part. The second...not so much.
  • Heh Heh, You Said X
    Kathy: Okay, I know I had it when I left work, because when I left work I put my check in it. And then I went straight to Nick's house and I didn't touch it at Nick's house...
    Tommy: Haha!
    Kathy: Shut up.
  • I Am Not Leonard Nimoy: Despite the fact Vanilla Ice is playing a character named Johnny, he's still just playing his public Vanilla Ice persona in the film and most viewers and critics tend to refer to him as Vanilla Ice instead.
  • Idiot Ball: Way to show up on television while you're in the Witness Relocation Program, Mr. Winslow. Particularly in a news report apparently being broadcast nationwide.
    • He also never contacts the police or does anything to protect his family even after he knows the criminals who he put away are after him but before they've actually done anything to him. After Tommy is kidnapped, Kathy's father is about to call the police but is convinced not to for... no real reason.
    • As noted, he has no real particular reason to think Ice is connected with the criminals other than he saw them have a conversation. It's a small town, and everyone in town would have known who they were and why they were there by the time he gets around to accusing him of being their associate near the end.
    • The criminals' plan doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If Mr. Winslow wasn't also an idiot, what WOULD stopping him from calling the cops right then? He knew their names, their descriptions, their car, etc. Not to mention there was nothing to indicate he had the kind of money they were asking for. Seems like a really risky plan.
  • Important Haircut: In a display of hero worship, Kathy's little brother chops his hair into a crude approximation of Johnny's totally radical style.
  • Jerkass: Nick basically spends much of his screen time being a stick-in-the-mud, a bully, or both.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: The movie seems to be trying to portray Ice as one. Whether it succeeds is up to interpretation.
  • Misogyny Song: The closing number, "Get Wit It", has aspects of this. Amusingly, Johnny performs this song while his girlfriend is in the audience.
    Johnny:I love a girl, then ditch the same one, cause you know there's more where that came from!
    (Cut to his girlfriend, looking on admiringly.)
  • Mook Chivalry: When Nick and his friends fight Johnny at the Sugar Shack, they make sure to attack him one at a time.
  • Music Video Credits Sequence: Both opening and closing credits; this is a vehicle for Vanilla Ice, after all.
  • The '90s: Depressingly so.
  • Obviously Evil: The two crooks, to an absolutely laughable extent.
  • Pac Man Fever: Averted; Kathy's little brother is occasionally seen playing various NES games, none of which involve wild controller mashing or Atari sound effects. In fact, it sounds at one point like he's actually playing Super Mario Bros. 3 for a good couple minutes straight.
  • Plot Hole: Where to start...
    • People randomly end up with each other's possessions. It's...possible that Ice might have picked Kathy's wallet out of her purse, but how the hell did she get his driver's license?!
    • Where does an elementary school kid get a motorcycle helmet?
    • How'd Ice get that ice cube into her room without it melting all over his hands?
    • How did Ice jump that fence on his motorcycle when there was no ramp in sight? Even he seems surprised by that.
    • Where were Ice and his crew keeping all those extra clothes they wear in the movie?
      • It actually makes sense in that they were supposed to be a hip hop group on tour (tho what they actually are is never directly addressed), and would have many traveling and stage clothes. Where they WERE keeping them all (sidecars we never see for some reason?) isn't, especially give how much room the 16 or so outfits Vanilla wears through the movie would take up a travel case at least. Perhaps they were just very efficient packers.
    • As noted in Idiot Ball, why would a man under Witness Protection agree to appear on the news?
  • Police Are Useless: Though unusually for this trope, it's not the police's fault. They can't do their job because they're never called, Kathy steals the ransom tape, and in the end the old people are distracting them with a false kidnapping report.
  • Poor Communication Kills: The main driving force of the plot. As mentioned in Idiot Plot, no one ever bothers to explain anything to anyone. At one point in the film, Kathy's father flat out refuses to allow her to explain why Vanilla Ice's character gave her a ride home. If she had, the movie probably would have ended about an hour earlier.
  • Rummage Sale Reject: Ice wears all sorts of absurd outfits throughout the movie.
  • Scenery Porn: It's one of the best looking bad movies in existence. The film's cinematographer, Janusz Kaminski, would later win two Oscars.
  • Stalker with a Crush: Ice comes across as one of these.
    • Which means they beat out Twilight by at least a decade.
  • Straw Loser: Pretty much everyone in the town is one of these, to try and make Vanilla Ice look cool. Particular mention goes to the...characters performing at the Sugar Shack.
  • Stupid Crooks: The aforementioned bad guys decide to kidnap Kathy. To do this, they stalk her in their car — in the middle of an empty street at night, with their headlights on, following her from only 5 meters away, while driving at 4 mph. Did we mention that Kat is walking down the street? Real stealthy, bad guys.
  • Take That: The film mocks alternative grunge at the Sugar Shack.
  • That Reminds Me of a Song: "The People's Choice".
  • The Precious, Precious Car: Nick's white Corvette.
    Nick:Well, I hope you like being a biker chick, cause you're not gonna see me or my car again.
    Johnny:Imagine that! (Jumps motorcycle over Nick's car.)
  • Totally Radical: Doesn't even begin to describe it.
  • Tsundere: The only conceivable explanation for why Kathy acts the way she does; aka, randomly falling in love with a guy who's done nothing but be a Jerkass to her. Although given that her (ex-)boyfriend Nick is a massive Jerkass in every scene, it's likely she just has appalling taste in men.
  • Trespassing to Talk: Ice sneaks into Kathy's room one morning and wakes her up with (what else?) ice. Of course, since this movie is out of touch with reality, she finds this charming as opposed to horrifying.
  • Unintentional Period Piece: It just screams early 90s.
  • Wacky Cravings: Jazz makes a sandwich with chunky peanut butter, pickles, sardines, mustard, and pineapple.
  • Wacky Sound Effect: Inserted seemingly at random, for instance when the villains are loading their guns, and when Kathy's father is turning the pages of the newspaper.
  • We Care: "b kool stay n skool" in the credits. Ouch.
  • Whole Plot Reference: Oddly enough the film lifts the plot and names of various characters from the 1950s Counter-Culture Classic The Wild One.
  • Worst News Judgement Ever: As the Rifftrax of the movie points out, what exactly is newsworthy about a smart girl doing well in school? Obviously, it was contrived as a Plot Device to get the dad on the television so the bad guys would see him, but the same could be accomplished more plausibly by having him unknowingly filmed in a crowd at some event that's actually newsworthy.
    • It could be justified since it's a small town and local television stations do cover things that would otherwise be considered unnewsworthy in larger stations, but if that's the case, how did The Mafia know to watch a regional TV show?

"Oh yeah, Kat! Words of wisdom: drop that zero and get with the hero."

Alternative Title(s):

Cool As Ice