Funny: The Nostalgia Critic 2013 Episodes
open/close all folders
The Review Must Go On
- The shift from a Demo Reel video to a Doug Walker video (explained In-Universe as writer's block) is scary... but as soon as he receives a copy of the subject of his upcoming review, The Odd Life of Timothy Green, it gets hilarious the exact moment we see Doug's face after the movie. The subsequent Freak Out only adds to it, as we get a taste of the good ol' Nostalgia Critic review jokes, such as pointing out the parents being horrible people, the ridiculous premise, calling the main character "their tomato child" or "Jesus child", and wondering why the parents didn't just adopt an orphan.
- Complaining to the delivery company when he first gets the movie.
Doug: Plant it in the back yard and see if a real movie grows? Screw you!
- The phone call between Doug and Lewis about the movie.
Lewis: Oh, Doug, why?
Doug: It doesn't matter!
- Linkara saying that Pollo and Harvey are real, then having a conversation with the Pollo prop.
Lewis: Oh, hey, uh, Pollo and Harvey say 'Hi' too.
Doug: *Suddenly looking very concerned* Lewis? Buddy? Are you convinced that the characters from your show are real people?
Lewis: Doug. Of course not, I'm not deranged! *Chuckles* It's just Pollo and Harvey that are real! *Doug and Lewis hang up* So, Pollo, what are your thoughts on the subject?
Lewis: Yeah, and what's that?
Lewis: *Laughs hysterically*
- The Critic's haunting voice inside Doug's head, pleading him into bring his show back. ... which gets interrupted by Peewee Herman.
- Donnie's reaction to asking The Writer who he really is — "Oh my god...you son of a bitch!" There's the Critic again!
- The argument between Todd In The Shadows and the Critic during one of Todd's reviews.
- Including the bit where Critic calls Todd "Alfred Hitchcock". Also, "Hamburglar."
- Lindsay's incredibly blunt "no" when Doug asks her if he should bring back the Critic.
- Nella struggling to get her Smart Car out of its parking space, then just randomly peels off, only to threaten Rob instead of Doug.
- His reaction, to immediately call his brother.
Rob *calmly, on answering machine*: Hey Doug, it's Rob. Um, I'm never traveling to New York again.
- Even funnier is that it cuts to a commercial break while Nella tries getting her car out. When we come back from the break, Nella's still trying to get out.
- So Donnie/The Critic can retake his job, someone else had to fill the Plot Hole. They put Douchey in there.
Douchey Mc Nitpick: There's a mistake! There's a mistake! There's a mistake!! OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE WORST JOB EVER!!
- What's even funnier is the build-up. Donnie asks who will give up their life to take his place pointing out inconsistencies and mistakes in the universe. The Plot Hole replies that the person chosen has no life and loves pointing out screw-ups.
- The Ending. The Nostalgia Critic takes his seat. Meanwhile, Nella sits down next to NChick
Nella: The deed is done. *NChick gives her a disbelieving glare and shows her handheld media device*
: Oh. Oh! You meant for me to- *NChick looks away* Oh, uh, *nervous laugh as NChick takes a swig of alcohol straight from the bottle
* That's really funny, uh, *nervous laugh
* I'm going to be somewhere that's not here. *Exits post-haste
- "Hey, did you ever Google 'do a barrel roll'? It's really cool."
- The stinger with Lewis.
Lewis: Pollo, that was a very off-color joke you said!. Don't you agree, cybermats? *Cut to the cybermats* I thought so.
Lewis: Nobody cares what you think, Astro Megaship!
The Odd Life of Timothy Green
- The introduction of the review itself: In a charming voice, the Nostalgia Critic asks why people consider the movie to be terrible. One viewing later:
- This movie was a part of his February "Month of Love," using Timothy Green to "explore the love between man and child." Then a picture of the NAMBLA logo flashes onscreen.
"No, and your jacuzzi of barbed wire in hell is waiting for you."
- The skit showing how the "We had so much to say but we wrote none of it" excuse would also fail with school assignments. Doug's "cool teen" mannerisms are priceless.
- The List of "Horrible Pieces of Human Shit". Don't worry, it will get longer.
- Sister Bitch
- Jerk-Ass Grandpa
- That Guy from Office Space
- Bossy Whore
- What the Critic believes the Adoption Clerk is writing down while hearing this story. Complete with the Looney Tuness' theme.
- The "parents finishing each others sentences" skit with the parents' story devolving into an embarrassment for the father. And THAT DRAWING just drove it home!
Dad: It didn't matter where he came from...
Mom: He was ours.
Dad: We were his.
Mom: We were a family.
Dad: It was the greatest day since—
Mom: He had discovered Viagra.
Dad: ... T-That... Wasn't... What—
Mom: A penis should look like. Until he started taking it.
Dad: Maybe if you'd let me finish—
Mom: He would say all the time, but nothing ever came out!
Dad: I don't think we should talk about this—
Mom: Without visuals! [takes out a drawing of her and her husband in bed, her with a disgusted face and him crying his eyes out with a frowny face where his crotch is]
Dad: JESUS CHRIST!
Mom: He would cry every night until I showed him the online ads!
Dad: Damnit, honey. This is already hard enough!
Mom: Was the name of the brand we got.
Dad: T-this is—
Mom: Why we can't have children.
Dad: ... Can we just go back to talking about the child that we grew in the backyard? I think we were winning her over much better with that. Right?
Adoption lady: ...
Dad: What's with the straight face?
- The skit showing a kid's reaction to finally being adopted, only for the parents to back out at the last second due to a child growing out of their garden.
: *voice suddenly goes from a high-pitched childlike voice to a deep manly voice
* Man, fuck this shit
, I'm 18 and I still
haven't been adopted yet. *storms out
- The Chia Child skit. All of it.
- "NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Complete with the word on a tye-dye background, brought in and taken out with the sound of shattering glass.
- The Critic's reaction to when the wife lost her job.
- The three ingredients required to make a plant-child: Treebeard, Poison Ivy, and Captain Howdy.
- The Critic's attempt at easing their fear about FBI agents going after Timothy just like they did E.T. by mentioning they use walkie-talkies now. But then he remembers they changed back to guns for the DVD and Blu-Ray release, and tells Timothy to run away.
- During the soccer game scene, when Timothy takes in the sunlight to improve his skills, we are treated to the theme music of "Popeye the Sailor Man".
- After all's said and done, the Critic's parting words to us?
- a nice call back to his Titanic: The Legend Goes On Review, this time using "Nearer My God to Thee":
NC: Okay, you know the punchline. It's Pearl Harbor the movie, Not the actual event.
- Parallel to the actual review, there's a parody of Michael Bay and his beginnings.
- During the girl group giggling, the Critic recognizes Jennifer Garner, and wishes all the brainless bimbos there were really Alias agents in disguise.
- On the first half of the review, Critic often gets a map to check the location of the Japanese planes and questions what's taking them so long to arrive.
- The Jerry Springer bit when Ben Affleck makes a dramatic return.
- The Critic noting that Dan Akyroyd is surprisingly good at exposition. Cue Batman's voice in The Dark Knight being overdubbed with his ultimatum from Ghostbusters.
- Alec Baldwin, pre-"I had too much pie", but not post-"I seriously need to stop eating the god-damn pie!"
- His introduction of Mako.
: But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack. Led by God-on-high, treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered, Mako. *Cue standard glowing Mako Running Gag
- His comments about misusing military planes:
Critic: *offscreen* Hey, Sarge, I'm gonna take my girlfriend into the air and have her on my lap even though the seatbelt can't fit on us.
Critic: Okay, but be back by twelve. My kids are gonna drive the submarine tomorrow.
- Peter the Producer's epic breakdown.
- The Critic joking that the Japanese soldiers planning their attack on Pearl Harbor looks like they're doing it in a giant hottub.
- The one thing the Critic finds awesome, and the only moment he wants Bay to be more over-the-top, is Roosevelt struggling to get up from his wheelchair, despite how cliche it is. He imagines his wheelchair transforming like a Transformer, fire consuming the cabinet and his theme song playing him off.
Critic: It's the one time I'm watching Michael Bay to go more over the top. I'm not gonna lie.
- "I'M FUCKIN' DELANO ROOSEVELT, BIOOOTCH!!!"
- The disgusted face he makes at the beginning of the review as he's continuing "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love". Doug makes the best expressions.
- His absolutely brutal "The Reason You Suck" Speech at Michael Bay is as funny as it is freaking awesome.
- While listing the problems of the film at the beginning, the last one mentions is that "[the film]'s under the impression that Ben Affleck is likeable".
- The bit with the drivers of the "Scene" truck getting lost and one commenting that they aren't going anywhere.
- When the Japanese planes are flying by children, he dubs in all the pilots to say "Konnichi-wa", except for one who says "All your base are belong to us."
- "Well, we've had one romance, yes. [Scottish accent] What about seeecond romance??"
Editorial: Romeo and Juliet
- The face he makes when finishing the Month of Love.
Son of the Mask
- Speaking of which, the Devil then drags Evilina with him, proclaiming that he'll let her see an "evil worse than Hasbro!"
- Also, the Devil's attempts to get his minions to fear Evilina, only to get laughed at.
- Kim trying to cut an apple with a pizza slicer.
- "Age-Appropriate Programming": My Little Pony, Care Bears and Dora the Explorer disgust Satan, while Bratz is "not that bad for her", and Thomas the Tank Engine prompts a "You whore of no virtue!!''
- Satan threatens Kim with taking away her artificial husband. Kim's fine with that, since it was "broken".
- The reveal of where in the human realm Kim sent the DVD of Son of the Mask so that no one would find it: A park trash-can in Illinois.
- After mentioning that Jim Carrey and Cameron Diaz (and the dog) aren't in the sequel:
- The Critic's response to the audience wanting him to suffer through this movie? Invoking Taking You with Me.
- The Critic's phone call to Vanilla Ice after the awful musical scene. At first, he resists but he finally does gives in when he can't stand it anymore.
Vanilla Ice: Hello, this is Vanilla Ice.
Critic: *in despair* SAVE THIS MOVIE!!!
- The Critic's screams of utter horror at the Nightmare Fuel-inducing imagery, particularly when the baby blows his head up into a CGI balloon. He screams so long it lasts through the commercial break!
Critic: *ahem* AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
- What makes it especially funny is his facial expression; he's all totally normal until the imagery appears. Then his eyes bug out, and...
- When he finally collects himself, the next scene is Loki looking for the baby in the form of a CGI Green-colored Bee...
- The Running Gag where the tagline "Son of the Mask: A Family Picture!" appears over every disgusting or disturbing scene.
- When the Critic wonders if Odin lives in remarkably awkward segues, the Austin Powers segues make a return, at the end of which Odin pops out and yells his son's name again, scaring the Critic.
- The parodies of The Lord of the Rings, with Santa Christ as Gandalf (first the scene where Gandalf reveals the Ring, then the You Shall Not Pass sequence).
- One sequence of note: he tosses the DVD into the fire, and picks it up for the Critic to take with his bare hands. Cut to the poor Critic getting a drink with bandages wrapped around his hands, and giving Santa Christ a look like he's gonna beat him to a pulp.
- More Nightmare Fuel images: Loki transforming a woman's head into a giant nose, then appears disguised as the wife, and then transposing his face on the baby's. The Critic compares the last one to the Schwarzenegger baby in Junior, saying it would be worse if they were put back to back. Promptly...
: God! It's bad enough with the Schwarzenegger baby from Junior
. Can you imagine them joining those two back to back? *Beat
* DON'T SHOW THOSE TWO BACK TO BACK!!!!!
*HEART ATTACK! TAKE MEDICATION!*
- Just the over-the-top way the Critic takes his medication: He opens the pill bottle, spills its contents onto his desk, then plunges after them head-first.
- After seeing Loki as a girl scout, the Critic rips out the DVD, throws it in the trash and hides in the closet, only for the DVD to reappear on the floor while a demonic voice whispers "Jamie Kennedy" over and over.
- Santa Christ has never performed an exorcism before, only choosing that moment to admit that to the Critic.
- The whole casual exchange with Satan, while the Critic is still frozen with shock.
- The Critic imagines Jamie Kennedy's character trying to talk to Loki from The Avengers down, only to get beaten up by The Hulk.
- "If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me! If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me!"
- The bit about a cartoon revolving around a baby and a dog competing for a father's attention:
- The Critic once again shows his distaste for the overuse of the wide-angle lens. His voice and expression are what sell it.
- When the Critic tries to get Santa Christ to take the DVD away:
Critic: *Sighs* Why don't you take it?
Santa Christ: No.
Critic: I really want you to take it.
Santa Christ: No.
Critic: Please take it.
Santa Christ: There is absolutely no way I am going to touch that thing with a ten-foot pole. *They talk over one another until Santa Christ grabs the Critic by the tie* Don't tempt me, Critic!!! Understand, Critic, if you gave me this DVD, through me it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine.
Critic: Wow, because it's so evil it would totally consume you?
Santa Christ: No, it would just be really fun to use indiscriminately!
Critic: Ya know, you've got a bit of a dark side.
- His reaction at the peeing scene:
Critic: Why are you making me think about a baby with three penises?! What twisted pigshit does that??!
The King And I
- Malcolm as the Eartha Kitt Catwoman, for starters.
- The therapist reminds Sean Young Catwoman about the time she ambushed Tim Burton in costume to try and convince him to give her the role, and then looks at the camera and gives a "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer.
- The Catwomen leave their therapist tied up to a chair as a tiger is on the other side of a door. While the Critic goes into his Batman Cliffhanger Announcer voice from Star Trek Month, the therapist unties himself, leaves, drives away, and gets a cheeseburger as the puns continue.
- Following a scene where Catwoman orders a White Russian with no ice, vodka, or Kahlua. Just plain cream/milk.
- The cop trying to talk down Halle Berry when it seems she is going to jump off a building.
I know you've read the reviews to The Call
! I'd be depressed too!
- The book "How to Train Your Catwoman" by Michael Gough.
- After a line where the cop/love interest to Halle Berry's character comments on how her work is "elegant and whimsical," the Critic jokingly states more cops should behave like that.
Peterson: Yes sir?
Chief: I want you to be especially enchanting and pleasant!
- The Critic's dumbfounded reaction to how the cop/love interest still can't put 2 + 2 together that Patience and Catwoman are the same person in spite of the all the blatantly obvious evidence... such as them having the exact same style of handwriting!
- And the embarrassingly complicated way he finds out: a DNA test of her lipstick mark. The Critic compares this to:
Critic: Hey genius, don't tell anyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that one of these guys...
Critic: ...is stealing burgers. I haven't figured out which but shh shh shh, we'll find the culprit.
- The Catwomen using Eartha Kitt as a battering ram.
- Even better, they're mashing her chest against the door. And it works!
- Sean Young summons a freaking sand worm to try and attack the Critic... only for it to simply burrow away. Which leads to this reaction:
Sean Young: I am the Kwisatz Haderach-Give-A-Dog-A-Bone!
- The Critic's reaction to the "payoff" of the contrast that had been building up between Patience's old, meek self, and her new, confident Catwoman self:
YEAH! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE! THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE SAW BEFORE!
- "Catwomen can never resist a romantic dance sequence." The Critic offers his hand to the three. *Gilligan Cut* to the Critic, looking annoyed, dancing with the three of them and continues the review in that position.
- Somehow he manages to escape without them noticing.
- The Critic stating that all the Catwomen have the disease Catwomen Raging Against Halle Berry Syndrome.
The Critic: That's right, you all have CRAHBS.
- When the Catwomen ask Critic what can be done with a bunch of attractive women wearing cat costumes, he says he has an idea that involves the Internet. Cue not what you'd expect, but the Catwomen acting out cute cat videos on Youtube.
- Followed with Critic getting visited by Halle Berry herself, played by Orlando, and the 'How to Train Your Catwoman' just says that if he meets Halle Berry, he's FUBAR'd since Halle Berry has no idea what makes a real Catwoman. Cue the Critic getting beaten to crap while the Catwomen just concentrate too much on the cute cat videos.
- The Stinger, where Chester arrives at the meeting for people who have CRAHBS... only he has the other kind.
- Two words: MALE ACADEMIA.
- To summarize, the woman that Halle sees states that it was because of male academia that no one supported her belief that there are cats that breath life into dead women, bringing them back to life as cat women.
- And the "The Reason You Suck" Speech that follows.
: Male academia...suck my sexist, women bashing, chauvinistic, stripper watching, porn loving, overly paid
- After he's done with the movie the Critic still has to deal with the crazy Catwomen. He locks himself in a room, back to the door while the Catwomen pound away at it and we get this:
: When will they realize I don't want four beautiful women in skin tight cat suits interrupting my review? Beat
*opens eyes as he realizes what he just said* The fuck
'' am I doing? *opens door with a friendly smile* Hi! You know I'm not sure if you're aware of the Internet's policy on boobs
- His disgust at Catwoman's costume, and his mocking of it on a bad CGI model of Halle Berry, comparing it to a rerun of fucking Reboot.
Editorial: The Looney Tunes Show: Good or Bad?
The Cat In The Hat
- The video starts with the Nostalgia Critic's Catch Phrase being interrupted by Evilina once again singing the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme. He then takes her Celestia doll, throws it on the ground, shoots it, and says they're "not turning this video into another brony message board."
- The reason the Critic is stuck babysitting her? Satan's currently in a meeting discussing his next project, Planes.
- That, and he sold his soul to Satan in return of getting the abilty to do a good Zod impression.
- The Critic's initial reaction to the movie:
- The Not-Caring Meter:
- Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons
- Halle Berry in Catwoman
- Russell Crowe in...everything he's in
- Dennis Hopper in Super Mario Bros.
- Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever
- Keanu Reeves in The Matrix
- How high did Sean Hayes get on the meter? At the top with Jeremy Irons, resulting in the Critic and Evilina doing Irons' infamous hiss together.
- Also this exchange:
Evilina: Mr. Critic? Is that what happens when Pepe le Pew makes whoopie with Ronald McDonald?
Critic: Yes. Yes it is.
Evilina: ...I'm afraid.
Critic: We all are.
- The Critic states Mike Myers wasn't that funny and everybody gasps. Even Satan calls to exclaim a big "What?!"
- And right afterwards, Soulless and Evilina getting him to admit that Jim Carrey as the Grinch did a better job bringing the character to life.
- Soulless torturing the Critic with an endless loop of Mike Myers' wheezing laughs from the movie.
- Analyst #1 and Analyst #2's freakout when the Critic takes away their charts.
"...Well, the chart says..."
- The scene itself taking a rather dark yet hilarious turn when Analyst #1 and Analyst #2 shoot themselves in the head rather than exist without the charts.
- Commenting that Stephen Hawking's voice box emotes more than the child actors.
- Count Von Count appears every once in a while in the corner when a vulgar joke is made.
Count: Eight! That's Eight times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ha-ha-ha!
Count: Nine! That's Nine times Dr. Seuss rolled in his grave! Ha-ha-ha!
- The Critic's complete breakdown in the middle of the review before the commercial break. Evilina even watches him leaving the room to watch the sunset.
- The fact that Satan complimented the Critic on his idea for torturing Soulless. It's the hand gesture that really sells it.
- The Critic suggesting that the Dr. Seuss movie logo oughta be changed to Lickboot from the Tom and Jerry movie saying "We've GOT to have....MONEY!"
- Towards the end of the movie, The Cat essentially points out that the song that plays during the house cleaning was put in to help sell the soundtrack, Souless' explanation is as such:
- Followed by Evilina hitting the Critic, saying it was painful so that means it no longer is, resulting in the Critic hitting her back.
Top 11 South Park Episodes
- While talking about the episode "Britney's New Look" Critic tries to restrain himself from going on a rant about how much he hates TMZ, but ultimately decides "Fuck it" and goes on a rant about why TMZ is the worst show ever and why you have no life for watching it.
- Throughout the episode, the Critic glances at Malcolm, Rachel, and Uncle Yo playing Straw Fans whenever he's about to say something that he knows a lot of people will disagree with. At the end, just when he thinks he's curbed the Fan Dumb's anger, they start furiously typing away at their keyboards. The Critic then morphs into the South Park art style and tells them off in a Cartman impersonation.
- Just the fact that the music he chose for this list is "Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bitch".
- He mentions that it is highly likely some of the viewer's favorite episodes will not be on his list because "it's fucking South Park", and proceeds to declare a Top 30 or Top 50 list would be more appropriate for most fans to rank their favorites because it has so many awesome episodes worth mentioning.
- Critic getting beaten up for saying that the movie wasn't quite as awesome as it once was.
- The skit about how implausible scientists can find a bunch of mosquito fossils that all coincidentally have dinosaur DNA in their bodies.
- The hit romantic program of the season...Rambles and Mumbles.
- Which is then cancelled before the promo can even finish airing.
Announcer: Wow. That was fast!
- Everything involving the motherfuckin' T-Rex, especially translating her roars into Testostero- er, "Estrogen" Poisoning.
I AM AWESOME!
I AM OLDER THAN JESUS!
CHUCK NORRIS IS MY BUTT PLUG!
I WIPE MY ASS WITH YOUR ASS!
TANKS ARE MY CRUNCH BERRIES!
I SHIT ZOMBIES!
MY OVARIES ARE CHAINSAWS!
I BLEED NIGHTMARES!
MY VAGINA EATS SHARKS!
- The Running Gag about spotlight fetish.
- Valley Girl velociraptors.
"Oh, Stephanie, could you be awesome and guard the door while I sniff out our dinner?"
"Of course, Vanessa!"
(First velociraptor walks offscreen, and then after a beat, a scream is heard followed by a munching sound)
"Yeah, that was weird."
- Referring to the motherfuckin' T-Rex as a Deus Rex Machina.
HAVE A FREE POSTER, BITCHES!
- "And the moral of this story is, when a white Scottish man offers you to see his park, you say no."
- Critic wonders why the workers at Jurassic Park didn't tranquilize the velociraptors before transferring them into the park, leading to an Imagine Spot where he, Malcolm and Rachel attempt to do it only for the raptor to effortlessly catch the dart and flick it back at Rachel.
- The Title Card...they photoshopped Critic's screaming head onto the T-Rex's body from the movie's logo.
- Critic parodying the theme to Jurassic Park
"Gooooood luck geeeetting... this theme song out of. your. head.
It will be in your brain for weeks oooor til you're deeeaaad"
- Critic voicing his dislike for Jeff Goldblum and mocking his acting style.
Muldoon!Critic: Shoot him!... SHOOOOT HIIIIIM!!!
- Critic's comment while and after Gennaro is eaten by Rex.
Gennaro!Critic: I'm sorry I ever took you on as a client! *screams*
Critic: *After Gennaro is eaten* Mmm lawyer.... Tastes like deep-rooted insecurity and bitterness.
- The Critic mocking Grant's fascination not with dinosaurs being brought back to life, but with the fact that this proves that they move in herds.
Grant!Critic: They're eating their own shit. They do eat their own shit.
- Calling Jeff Goldblum "The Wizard of 'Uh's".
Editorial: Why is Loki So Hot?
- The video opens the the Critic looking up and questioning if that's really the title of the video.
- Immediately followed by him saying that he already has plenty of fanfiction written about him and doesn't need to give the Yaoi fanbase anymore fuel.
- The Critic's surprise when he's listed as an example of The Woobie (although not a normal Woobie, a Jerkass Woobie).
- Plus, his mocking anyone who isn't familiar with the term, before the Blatant Lies that he's only looking it up so he can read the definition exactly as presented on TV Tropes.
- His inability to handle the idea that Thor is actually a guy and his realization that he unwittingly ships Thor/Loki.