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There's too much blood in my caffeine system!
" Blacker than moonless night
Hotter and more bitter than Hell...
That is coffee."
"Listen carefully, Neelix, because I'm only going to say this once. Coffee, black."
Ah, caffeine! Truly one of the greatest gifts of God. It allows us humans to surpass the limits of our endurance when we need it most, and it has become a sort of lifestyle for most of us (does 'morning coffee' ring a bell?)
Unfortunately, this elixir also creates dependence after prolonged use, and excessive use can have dire consequences.
As a result of these special qualities, coffee and associated paraphernalia like coffeepots, coffee mugs and paper coffee cups with plastic covers have become an ubiquitous feature of every office setting. Oftentimes when points are being discussed, one or more of the participants will have a mug in hand. Important things happen around the office coffeepot, and the number of paper cups at an employee's desk is often used as a visual indicator of how much stress he or she is under. For some reason, other drinks are not considered to be as representative of our reliance on caffeine as good, strong coffee.
Outside of the office, people of all professions have also been depicted as being dependent on caffeine — to the point where attempts to drop the habit are used as a dramatic device. In certain works, obvious stand-ins are used where real caffeinated beverages would be out of place.
Sudden and unexpected deprivation of this essential substance, on the other hand, is sometimes depicted with comedic consequences, such as sleeping or lobotomized workers.
People who actually dislike coffee (yes, we do exist) generally only turn up in fiction as a literal punchline to the old 'do you want to come in for coffee' joke.
Compare: Spot Of Tea, G Rated Drug, Caffeine Bullet Time. See also Gigantic Gulp and Everything's Better with Chocolate, as the main active component of chocolate is the very similar theobromine.
Examples
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Anime & Manga
- As though Negi, an English tea drinker, didn't have enough reasons to hate his Arch Enemy Fate in Mahou Sensei Negima, Fate turned out to be an avid fan of coffee as well, drinking seven cups per day. The two almost came to blows having a serious debate about the quality of milk tea and coffee.
- In Aoi House, Elle Mathers is seen with a cup of coffee or a Frappucino in her hand.
- BJ from Soul Eater. The man drinks it 24/7, carries a brewing pot in his travel case, and made a deal with the (benevolent) God of Death in exchange for coffee-related paraphenalia.
- Andrew Waltfeld from Gundam SEED is legendary for his fondness for coffee, to the point that his XO once suggests ventilating his office.
- L from Death Note is very often seen with coffee or tea, perhaps even more than the trademark desserts. He also seems to have a dubious relationship with sleep.
- Fanon always like to depict Conan Edogawa as one, who supposedly brews coffee so strong that only policemen and detectives can drink it... and he drinks it whenever he can. Probably based on Sherlock Holmes' addictions?
Card Games
Comics
- A surprising amount of Tony Stark Fanon holds that, having put alcoholic addiction behind him, Tony has turned to coffee.
- Given the fact that practically all he drinks in the movie is either alcoholic or coffee (except for that weird green concoction during the painting decision for the armor), this may be veering into canon in at least one medium.
- There's also a scene in a recent comic — Iron Man #1 of the Extremis arc[1]◊ — where Tony is woken by a call from one of his many secretaries, who is entirely unsympathetic to his grogginess. Defeated, he requests that she at least hook him up with "the gallon drum of coffee. And possibly some kind of intraveinous drip."
- Scott Adams is very fond of using playing with this trope in Dilbert, perhaps more so than in most series. He takes it to both logical ends by showing the workers suffering when the secretary replaces their regular supply with decaf, as well as his titular character gaining Psychic Powers when given an unlimited supply of coffee.
- Played straight in Adam@Home.
- Garfield strips, especially later ones, sometimes use coffee-addiction gags.
- Like swigging the entire (huge) mug in one swallow, then slamming it to the counter with a wild-eyed smile and (thought) screaming "JAVA NOW!"
- Another funny variation was a strip where Jon was sitting calmly while all of a sudden a clearly unhinged Garfield slammed a mug on the table and screamed "BEAN ME!"
- And there's also a little flash "game" on the official site where you can feed Garfield coffee and watch him wake up and become more and more unhinged. It's aptly named Bean Me!
- A Running Gag in the Foxtrot comic involves the father of the Fox household being rather non-functional, sometimes to the point of Cloudcuckoolander-ness, without his morning coffee.
- Another comic has Peter weaning himself off of coffee, remarking that he drank so much during finals, if he went cold turkey, he'd die. When asked if he was drinking half-decaf, half-regular, he remarked "quintuple espresso".
- Another of Peter's stay awake at all costs brews is coffetea (tea brewed with coffee), which is apparently just this side of a controlled substance.
- In one arc, Paige uses coffee-tea in quantities that shock even her brother, which is quite a feat.
- Speaking of Roger, on one occasion he was so out of it that he tried to pour his coffee into an upside-down mug. When Paige helpfully pointed out his mistake, he flipped both mug and coffeepot.
- Paige herself is rather inept at the concepts involved in the culinary arts, even to such a degree that she uses a cup of grounds to a teaspoon of water. I'll give it one thing, it wakes her folks up.
- "The pot's over by the fridge....The fridge is over there....See that thing with the blinking red light?...Roger, that's the answering machine."
- The last line said as we hear slurping sounds from off-panel.
- In one strip, Peter comments that you know you've made coffee right when it's the fumes that wake you up.
- Subverted in one Bloom County strip, with vice-presidential candidate Opus stumbling around in a morning stupor, mumbling about needing coffee. Then he reads a newspaper. BOING! "Who needs coffee when you've got the latest poll results?"
- The villain in issue #4 of Marvel's Slapstick limited series was The Neutron Bum, an irradiated homeless man who became angrier (and more explosive) as people continued to ignore his requests for money to buy a cup of coffee.
Fan Works
Films — Live Action
- In Airplane II: The Sequel, passengers and crew react rather mildly to the various crises encountered during the flight, but fly into all-out panic when it's revealed that there is no more coffee.
- One of the more famous moments in Men In Black is when Kay, after asking Jay if he wants some coffee, steps into the break room and has a brief argument with the "worm guys" (according to the books their species is Vermar), a group of coffee-and-cigarette-obsessed aliens.
- Coffee and Cigarettes is a series of vignettes with various comedians, actors, musicians and artists engaged in dialog over coffee and cigarettes, or about coffee and cigarettes. In one segment, clean and sober Wu Tang Clan advise Bill Murray, obviously attached to both coffee and cigarettes, to give them up for healthy "herbals".
- In the live-action George of the Jungle film, George sees a commercial for coffee on TV and runs through Ursula's San Francisco apartment looking for coffee. When he finds it, he starts eating the raw cocoa beans, saying "CoffeeCoffeeCoffeeCoffeecoffeecoffee!"
Literature
Live Action TV
- Name any office drama. Any one.
- Or any cop show. Seriously, cop shows gotta have crimes, guns, badges, and LOTS of coffee.
- Rick Castle hates the NYPD coffee so much that he gives the homicide detectives an espresso machine.
- Homicide Life on the Street: Frank Pembleton relies on coffee to get through the day even after he had a stroke and his doctor warned him off the stuff.
- Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Captain Sisko starts each day with a cup of Raktajino (Klingon Coffee).
- Captain Janeway in Star Trek Voyager has got to be addicted to caffeine, what with all the coffee she drinks. Her Memory Alpha entry has an entire section devoted to Janeway and Coffee. Unless The Federation got rid of addiction, too....
- The people who took the alcohol out of alcholic beverages ("synthehol", agh) probably took the caffeine out of caffeinated beverages as well.
- An episode of DS9 suggests that this is not the case; they still have trouble with making a decaffeinated beverage that still tastes good. So Janeway probably does have a caffeine addition.
- One early episode has Voyager running low on energy, preventing the crew from using the replicators — and thereby forcing Janeway to abstain from coffee. Janeway decides to try to extract energy from a nebula, despite the concerns of her officers that it might be dangerous. Her reason? "There is coffee in that nebula!" So yeah, she's got an addiction, all right.
- On News Radio, to try to get Bill to give up smoking, Dave promises to give up coffee. Both end up taking it pretty hard.
- Hal from Malcolm in the Middle used to be a caffeine addict, until Dewey said he would stop smoking if Hal stopped drinking coffee.
- Stan the Coffee Man from MADtv. He drinks coffee so much that he keeps a thermos flask on him, in case something happens to his coffee cup.
- Stephen Colbert's preferred drink is the five-shot Venti Caramel Mocha Latte. When Starbucks was temporarily closed for training, he reverted to a rabid, snarling beast, and had to be chained up. And later, when he finally gets his hands on some... three words: naked coffee shower.
- Both Lorelai and Rory from Gilmore Girls drank enormous amounts of coffee. Rory loved coffee so much that when she thinks she may be unable to continue visiting Yale's coffee shop, she breaks down in tears (okay, there was a bit more going on for her emotionally at the time, but mentioning the coffee is when she actually started crying). In fact, coffee was a pivotal characterization for both characters, though admittedly more Lorelai's, early on and till the very end, even including several story arcs (Lorelai seems only to date coffee enthusiasts or providers, excepting Rory's dad).
- Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS is very much addicted to coffee, and has made death threats on anyone trying to drink his cup. Hilarity Ensues the one time DiNozzo tricks McGee into drinking the boss's coffee.
- Well, in the military, a senior NCO's coffee mug is his. You may not touch it without his permission, empty or not.
- Rule 23: Never touch a Marine's coffee if you want to live.
- And it must be made the right way — Gibbs doesn't like Tony's "three sugars and a hazelnut" coffee. Also, it can be used to fight sweating when it's a hot day and there's no air con.
- On field trips that include staying overnight, Gibbs brings his own blend.
- Abby Sciuto is also addicted to caffeine, though she prefers "Caf-Pow" (caffeinated drink). She (unsuccessfully) tried to break the habit once, and it wasn't pretty.
- Then there was the time she drank even more Caf-Pow than usual so she could be extra alert for a particular case. She also upped her salt intake to fight the obvious side-effect. The salt didn't work.
- Jenny Shepherd is also a caffeine addict, and the only other person allowed to drink Gibbs' coffee. She was unsuccessful in breaking the habit one episode, resulting in Gibbs leaving his cup for her after a briefing.
- Twin Peaks: Agent cooper enjoys a damn good cup of coffee.
- What's funny is that his actor hates coffee (and cherry pie).
- One memorable skit on The State involves a family of caffeine addicts who drink ludicrous amounts of coffee, own about twenty percolators spread out through their kitchen and living room, pack their lunchboxes entirely with Thermoses of coffee, talk at the top of their lungs constantly, and find the word "sleep" hysterically funny. At the end of the sketch, their crazy Mad Scientist uncle enters from the garage and triumphantly declares that he's just invented the most highly concentrated form of caffeine known to man; the family patriarch drinks it, calmly pronounces it good, walks out of the house, and explodes.
- Daniel Jackson from Stargate SG-1 is rarely seen on Earth without a cup of coffee. Although the characters mention it occasionally, the fans have exaggerated his caffeine addiction to epic proportions.
- If he's rarely seen on Earth without it, it wouldn't take much exaggeration!
- Well, a fair chunk of his time is spent offworld, so there is a bit of exaggeration going on.
- During the first "Alaska Special", when Jamie and Adam were testing "Cabin Fever", Jamie claimed he was napping so much because there wasn't any coffee in the cabins. (About the 2:23 point on this video.)
- Nathan Ford gave up the booze in Season 2 of Leverage, but he swapped it out for coffee.
- Ivanova in Babylon 5 is presumably a caffeine addict, as she illicitly grows coffee plants in the station's hydroponics facility.
- Those plants were originally Laurel Takishima's, but she left, and Ivanova apparently found them.
- Seattle's famed coffee addiction was prime fodder for several Almost Live! sketches.
Music
- J.S. Bach's Schweigt stille, plaudert nicht ("Be still, stop chattering"), better known as The Coffee Cantata, tells the tale of young Liesche and her father's attempt to make her give up coffee. "Father, don't be so severe! If I can't drink my bowl of coffee three times daily, then in my torment I will shrivel up like a piece of roast goat." So this is Older Than Steam. Not to mention... it's frickin' BACH. PDQ Bach has been one-upped by the original.
- Steam... rising off the coffee cup....
- The song Stress by Jim's Big Ego, as noted at the top of the page. The first half of the first verse he sings about (trying to) cope with his over consumption of caffeine. It doesn't seem to be working, however more alert and attentive it makes him to his work.
- The French example — "Le Café" by Oldelaf. The music video really pulls it off, though; wait up to at least 1:11....
- They Might Be Giants are so devoted to coffee that they actually devoted an entire segment to it in Gigantic: A Tale of Two Johns. Coffee is also mentioned in enough songs that the fan-made wiki chronicles all its mentions in songs. The inevitable result was the band writing and singing several songs promoting Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
- The song called "Caffeine" by Taxi is about exactly what you think, and is notable for the singer, while graduating with each verse from Coca-Cola to coffee to caffeine pills, being reduced to screaming and gibbering like a maniac by the song's end.
- There's also "The Java Jive", originally by The Ink Spots, but covered by many others (including, oddly, Richard Thompson), since.
- Children's band Trout Fishing In America sang about this in the song "What I Want Is a Proper Cup of Coffee".
Theater
- The musical How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying includes the song "Coffee Break".
Video Games
- As mentioned in the page quote, Prosecutor Godot (goh-doh) from Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney is obsessed with coffee, it being his "gimmick" of sorts. He often uses obscure coffee metaphors when describing his case, drinks up to seventeen cups in one trial day, does Spit Takes, and throws his coffee at Phoenix when things aren't looking so good. It's also worth noting that it was the aroma of coffee in his room what woke him up from his Convenient Coma.
- The last cup he drinks in court he shares with Phoenix. In a crowning moment of... heartwarming awesome?
- The old man near the start of the original Pokémon games is very grumpy until he's had his coffee, and wouldn't let you pass until he's had it.
- In one point in the story of Super Mario RPG, you befriend an innkeeper, who lets you stay the night at her inn. When you wake up, she asks Mario how he's feeling, and you have two ways you can respond:
1. "Like a new man!"
- In Day of the Tentacle, Dr. Fred's hands are jittering constantly since he's on a continuous caffeine high. In fact, he drinks coffee all the time to avoid falling asleep, nightmares and sleepwalking, and hasn't slept for ten years!
Web Comics
- Subverted in PVP, where Brent Sienna is initially addicted to coffee but has to give it up for health reasons. Then when PVP magazine is in crisis, and Brent insists on coffee to "give him his edge" it turns it was decaf in a classic example of "the magic was in you all along."
- Antihero for Hire normally has the action taking place at night. When the hero has to get up during the day, he needs his coffee. He ends up spending most of the arc looking for some.
- User Friendly uses this trope from time to time, particularly with the Crud Puppy.
- Early strips of the comic have tech support member Greg harassed by a Kool-Aid Man-esque can of diet cola when he decides to try to cut back on caffeine.
- "I just rewrote the Linux kernel!" "When did you learn to program?" "This morning!"
- After attempting to make a truly Uninterruptible Power Supply powered by uranium, he reveals that as of recently he's been making coffee with heavy water.
- What's the first thing they restore power to after moving their operations into an abandoned nuclear silo? Nope, not lights... "Ahhh, truly dark roast."
- Watch out if Agatha from Girl Genius gets coffee...
- This Questionable Content shows a justified example. Really surprising the trope doesn't crop up more often since QC centers around a coffee shop.
- From The Order of the Stick, one of the prequel novels reveals that pre-lich Xykon had a... strange relationship with coffee, but a relationship nonetheless. One of the main reasons he becomes a Complete Monster in rapid succession with achieving Lichdom is that he's no longer able to taste coffee.
- Exterminatus Now: If you touch Inquisitor Eastwood's coffee, he will break your arm.
- This El Goonish Shive.
- Dante, the Head Programmer in Angst Technology, can tell from nearly fifteen feet away if the coffee in the office machine has been replaced with decaf.
- Rooster Teeth comics have a Running Gag about Matt having died from lack of caffeine.
- Margaret Browning from College Roomies from Hell is a textbook example, her bucket-sized coffee cup being known as "The Browning" and formerly known as "The Suicide".
- The Whiteboard is a great example. The main character "Doc" brews his own Mt Dew because the normal stuff is too weak.
- One arc involves Doc drinking energy shots by the quart after he runs out of Dew and coffee, resulting in one of the more "realistic" portrayals of Caffeine Bullet Time.
- An early Ozy and Millie strip, from when the writer admits she was going for the newspaper comic audience.
Web Original
Western Animation
- In Men In Black the animated series, the "worm guys" entire function at MIB seems to involve making coffee (and getting into wacky shenanigans at the worst of times). It is revealed that on their home planet, only royalty can drink coffee, leading to their quick addiction to it once they reached Earth (Forbidden Fruit and all that). One episode has them saving their king's life and requesting the right to freely drink coffee as their reward.
- One episode of Dexter's Laboratory showed how Mom and Dad are in the morning before they have their coffee (yikes!), but once they have it they magically transform into their "normal" selves.
- And the plot of the episode was, of course, that the kids had stolen their coffee overnight, Dexter being curious how coffee changes them.
- Tweek from South Park is absolutely addicted to coffee, and as a result is very twitchy. His parents (who give him the coffee) think his twitchiness is due to ADD.
- It's probably because his dad owns a coffee house, though.
- Futurama episode "Three Hundred Big Boys" involved Fry's attempt to use his 300 Tricky Dick Funbucks (read: "tax refund") on 100 cups of coffee. Despite getting unbelievably jittery, irascible, and otherwise @#$%ing wired, he arrives at this goal. Somehow. Apparently, when you hit #100, you attain temporary Super Speed.
- In an episode of Justice League Doctor Destiny is able to trap people (and the other league members) when they fall asleep. Batman's been up for three days straight, and he needs to stay up long enough to find and defeat DD. He winds up driving to a restaurant and demanding the most caffeine laden drink they have. NOW!
- The punchline being his earlier statement to Martian Manhunter that he did not use stimulants of any kind.
- Batman in a coffee shop paying for coffee is just hilarious to me, "Batman goes in to the coffee shop" already sounds like the beginning of a joke.
- The Simpsons Movie has an AA reunion going berserk after the coffee machine is broken.
- In Jackie Chan Adventures, Uncle orders either Jackie or Torhu to "Get in kitchen and make coffee! Uncle need caffeine!"
- The Fairly OddParents: "Wow this coffee stuff is great!"
Real Life
- When Washington State was deciding on a design for their state quarter, they took in many suggestions from the public. One suggestion was a steaming mug of coffee.
- With a Starbucks logo on the side?
- Presumably not, since that would give Starbucks a legal claim to one fifth of all quarters produced in 2007.
- Scandinavian, and especially Swedish, culture is known for its "fika": short breaks from work in which everyone in the workplace drinks coffee, small talks and optionally have a cigarette if they are so inclined. This is usually a communal activity, and occurs several times a day.
- In Norway, the the equivalent of tea time is called coffee. Just coffee. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, supper. Preferred black, no milk, no sugar, no cream, no taint upon the pureness of coffee — though increasing multiculturalism is breaking that tradition little by little.
- Stoughton, Wisconsin - a town made up primarily of descendents of Norwegian immigrants - would claim to be the birthplace of the coffee break.
- What country has the highest consumption of coffee per capita? Finland. Finland also has, according to some studies, the happpiest population in the world.
- Richard O'Brien had to go to rehab for caffeine overdose, reportedly.
- French author Voltaire claimed to drink 72 cups of coffee a day. Even though cups were generally smaller and coffee generally weaker than today, that is one man who loved his coffee.
- Nikola "Original Mad Scientist" Tesla called him a monster because of it.
- Surrealist film director David Lynch has his own brand of coffee and reportedly drinks 18 cups a day, whilst practicing transcendental meditation. I think that may explain a thing or two about his work...
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