"Take one sip and you're awake for six hours. Two sips, you're awake for 72 hours. Drink the cup, you never blink in life."
— Dr. Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show, describing his med school coffee.
While a Gargle Blaster will get you insanely drunk, Klatchian Coffee has the opposite effect. Rather than slowing down your brain, Klatchian Coffee speeds it up tremendously. In some cases, the results can be Nightmare Fuel in a cup, or just really scary to think about. Can generate Caffeine Bullet Time. May be used to demonstrate the level of a person's Must Have Caffeine addiction if Klatchian Coffee is their regular morning brew.
Possibly based on Turkish Coffee, which is an incredibly strong brew of coffee. Rather than drip or espresso it, you just boil ultra-fine ground coffee grounds until you achieve drinkable coffee.
Compare Gargle Blaster for very strong alcoholic drinks. May overlap with Hideous Hangover Cure or Uncoffee. If it's powerfully bad coffee rather than simply powerful, it's Bad to the Last Drop.
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Anime & Manga
In Serial Experiments Lain, the machine/drug Accela does exactly what it sounds like - it accelerates the brain. By 12 times.
Gaston Lagaffe's homemade coffee is so strong, it causes whoever drinks it to lose coordination and make uncontrollable violent gestures. After drinking a cup of it, he ended up wrecking his car. Not to mention that one sip of it made De Mesmaeker unable to signthe contracts.
One Lucky Luke album has a recipe for coffee for Real Men: "You add one drop of water for each pound of coffee. Then you add a horseshoe. If it doesn't float... add more coffee."
The Dandy: Desperate Dan's favorite coffee is strong enough to hold a spoon upright.
Jon: The coffee's strong today. (it reaches out of the cup and slaps Garfield round the face) Garfield: Not just strong, but mean!
Also demonstrated by this game, made to market a Garfield-themed coffee.
Peter has brewed several coffee based drinks in FoxTrot that have this effect.
One had Paige blinking so fast she thought there was a strobe light in the room. That would be the coffee-tea. Teabags boiled in coffee instead of water. And Paige didn't just have one. She had a dozen cups.
Another strip had Roger pour himself a cup of coffee, which began vibrating wildly (as in, bouncing up and down on the table). Turning to Peter, he remarks, "I can always tell the mornings when you have to cram for a test."
Films — Animation
Hoodwinked: Near the end of the movie the squirrel gets a cup of coffee to run down the mountain and get the cops. They have to tape his message and slow it down to hear it properly.
In Over the Hedge, a very hyperactive squirrel is given a can of soda, which causes said squirrel to enter Caffeine Bullet Time and apparently move faster than light (he calmly walks around a laser starting to cross the room).
Films — Live-Action
In George of the Jungle, George inadvertently invokes this by eating large amounts of coffee grounds.
Hidalgo has a scene in which the Sheikh offers Hopkins a cup of coffee. He tries to warn Hopkins that Arabian coffee is stronger than most western preparations, but Hopkins just knocks it back. He then explains that back home, they test the coffee by tossing a horseshoe in the pot. If it stands up, the coffee's ready.
In Medicine Man, Dr. Crane is given a local drink by Dr. Campbell that is 12% caffeine. She winds up hyperactive and babbling about how they could market the stuff. Amusingly, this predates the Energy Drink craze by about a decade.
Discworld is the home of the Trope Namer. Klatchian Coffee is so potent that it can take you right through sobriety and out the other side, into a state of horrifying depressive hyper-awareness known as knurd ("drunk" spelled backwards). In order to offset its effects, Klatchian Coffee enthusiasts typically drink Desert Orakh (one of several Discworld Gargle Blasters) to make sure they're safely drunk.
Also from Discworld, there's "Splot", briefly featured in Making Money, a drink that has been outlawed in several places despite not being alcoholic... it is said that's because alcohol couldn't survive in it. It is made entirely of natural ingredients and herbs, in the same way that "Arsenic is natural and Belladonna is a herb". It apparently speeds the brain well beyond the point where the mouth can keep up, just for starters.
One of many, many uses of spice is to generate dangerous levels of sanity. Mentats drink sapho juice, a drug that amplifies a Mentat's natural ability, allowing them to go beyond their usual limits and comprehend vast amounts of data even faster. The mantra for drinking it in the movies was:
It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of sapho that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.
The novels rarely mention it, but the movie seems to make it the source of all Mentats' abilities. One of its characteristics is that it permanently stains the lips of the drinker a cranberry red colour. If overused, it is addictive and ultimately deadly. So the mantra makes perfect sense, even the "by will alone" is probably part of Mentat dogma— specifically, that although Sapho enhances your pre-existing abilities the discipline and mental techniques are what allow you to excel. In other words it's an Amplifier Artifact, not Super Serum.
The ever-brewed riverboat coffee — In one of James P. Blaylock's novels, The Disappearing Dwarf, there is a scene on a riverboat where the coffee comes from an urn which has been brewing continuously for 13 years. The urn is never emptied. Water and coffee are added as needed. One of the passengers makes the mistake of having a third cup. The coffee is so strong that he starts hallucinating.
Harry Dresden makes a potion with this effect in Fool Moon. Naturally, the liquid base is coffee, and other ingredients include a doughnut (breakfast of champions), dawn sunshine, and cheery music.
Regular old Turkish coffee gets a mention in the Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede, with a mild twist. The dragon who was King before Kazul took the throne loved him some Turkish coffee brewed strong enough to take the roof off a dragon's mouth. No one's particularly surprised that his assassin just decided to poison his coffee; Kazul comments that you could have boiled a whole field of dragonsbane in a cup of the King's coffee and it wouldn't have changed the taste or texture enough that he'd have noticed.
In the Star Trek anthology Tales of the Dominion War, Dr. Crusher uses Turkish Coffee to try warding off the effects of a Dominion-created superbug long enough to develop a cure.
The Ur Example is the New Accelerator in the H. G. Wells story of the same name, a drug which increases the body's metabolic rate by a thousand or so times. The narrator and the inventor both drink just a drop of the accelerator, and the next few seconds become so drawn out that to the characters they feel more like half an hour. Notably, moving so incredibly quickly causes incredible friction and air resistance, and the pair find their trousers are becoming singed as they walk.
In Wicked Japanese For The Business Traveler, a semi serious phrasebook, it mentions Japanese tea. "Clear, bitter and still boiling when it hits the roof of your mouth." The phrases associated with it translate to: "Honorable tea? Yes please! I had some when I got off the plane last week. I haven't slept since. I have many evil thoughts. Do you know where I can score a dime bag of the stuff?"
Cafe Nervosa from Frasier serves a drink aptly named "The Defibrillator", judging by its composition (a French roast with three shots of espresso).
Dr. Cliff Huxtable, Bill Cosby's character from The Cosby Show, drank coffee like this back in med school. Provides the page quote.
In Red Dwarf, when they need to sober up Kryten, they skip the "drink" part entirely:
Kryten: Sir, I just can't eat any more raw coffee! Lister: Four more bowls.
When Kramer wins a settlement of free coffee in Seinfeld's "The Maestro" he drinks enough cafe lattes to talk a mile a minute and jitter as he walks.
In their "Go Supersonic" music video, three guys drink "Supersonic"-sized "Hot Sauce" coffees. The remainder of the video is the three of them, under the influence of the coffee, hallucinating a surreal car race.
In the "A Night and a Day" video, Yol Gurro drinks a cup of some unidentified coffee blend. Before, he had been quite stoic; after drinking, he dances wildly, shoots laser bolts from his feet, and flies.
In Deadlands, the Huckster spell "Coffin Varnish" will turn any drinkable liquid into this, essentially becoming a minor healing potion. As a side-effect, it makes whatever the spell was cast on taste horrible.
The Scout in Team Fortress 2 has two highly-caffeinated drinks that give him special effects: Bonk! Energy Drink (It's fulla radiation!) makes him invincible, and Crit-a-Cola allows him to score (Mini-)Criticals while running faster.
Lately, a Smoke Knight has been shown using a drug called Movit, which is a super-powered stimulant. It comes in various strengths and the strongest stuff safe for civilians is Movit #6. When last seen, Zola had taken some Movit #11, then was shot with more in hopes of causing an explosive meltdown, leading to a CHOPHEAD TINYBITS! rage, and was expected to die of an overdose shortly. Unfortunately for some fans, she didn't.
Also, a cup of water from Dyne apparently tastes like normal water but can (especially if combined with a proper amount of electric shock) cause a minute or so of absolute clarity... little side-effects like glowing eyes and levitation are optional. Of course, the "electric shock" part of this is by far the least dangerous.
Francis' twitch-gamer "power drink" from PvP: "a blend of espresso, Jolt cola, some Pixie Stix, pure cane sugar, Choco Puffs and a splash of Mountain Dew because I'm that @!&$% crazy, man." Oohhh, the colors.
The crew of The Whiteboard, after (or in the middle of) a particularly interesting New Years' party (and that's saying something), manages by accident to create a coffee strong enough to cure astigmatism, boost intellect, and add a cup size to women. The effects are temporary.
Doc's normal coffee easily qualifies, as does his home-made Mountain Dew.
Dante from Angst Technology brews coffee that is so strong as to be solid. In one classic strip of the now-defunct Angst Technology series, the rest of the gang put decaf in the office coffee machine to see how close he would get before detecting it (fourteen feet, six inches, it turned out); in the 2010-04-14Ink Tank strip, where he and Barry (the Author Avatar) are at a Starbucks, he berates Barry for not buying the largest cup. One of the comments on this strip was "I would think that anything from a Starbucks would be WAY too weak for Dante".
In the 2010-04-16 strip, Dante uses another version of the Dune quote which heads this page.
Not Invented Here: Desmond's "Coder's Sunrise". It's cheese balls floating in Red Bull.
Desmond: It's like there's a hornet party in my ribcage, and everyone's on fire!
In The Trenches, Q preps the game testers for Crunch Time by mixing up "The Punch", which seems to be a mixture of many bottles of Bawls and 5 Hour Energy in a punch bowl. You need to drink it from a glass; plastic cups will melt. Drinking it causes hallucinations - Isaac saw the team's rabbit Mr. Toots talking and wearing a hat, while Marley (who was also on Day-Quil at the time) imagined a being called "The Snuffler" who did most of his work for him, or more accurately, did not, leading to his getting fired again.
In RT Shorts, a series of shorts that take place in Rooster Teeth Studios, a type of coffee is mentioned which would presumably be very strong if it weren't imaginary.
Burnie: Okay, one note from the kitchen. If you're going to use the coffee pot to make coffee, you need to use water. Okay? I don't care what the fucking Internet says. There is no such thing as double coffee.
In the Whateley Universe, we have 'Devisor Coffee', which is claimed to have been banned in several countries. One of the Juniors, during final exams, overdoses on it, eventually becoming a jittery wreck, flying straight up and exploding 400 feet in the air.
College Humor parodied this with Powerthirst, an energy drink which makes outrageous claims about its potency; the drink was later Defictionalized and contains a staggering 190 mg of caffeine per 16 ounces. (For reference, Bawls Exxtra in the Real Life section of this page packs 150 milligrams per 16 ounces.) The end of the second video makes it pretty clear what you are drinking:
POWERTHIRST!!It's like Crystal Meth in a can! It's Crystal Meth in a can! Powerthirst is Crystal Meth!
In Flander's Company, Caleb (a.k.a. Professor Kaos) is a Mad Scientist and retired supervillain whose space-warping powers are fueled by coffee. As a result, his "personal blend" is extremely strong and shouldn't be consumed by ordinary human beings. In season 4, an alternate-universe version of Caleb without the coffee addiction falls victim of it, ending up incapacited for three days because of just one cup.
The world of Avatar: The Last Airbender has a rare tea that stimulates the human body tenfold. Aang drinks it to comic effect. Bizarrely enough, this is one of the examples cited by Media Watchdogs who think it's a sinful, evil cartoon. Because it encourages kids to do "drugs".
One episode of As Told by Ginger had Ginger turn to the "Mocho-Loco Frothinator" to help her keep up with her demanding study schedule. It turned her into a jittery, neurotic, stuttering insomniac in no time, and she had to have a serious talk with her mother about kicking her habit.
In an episode of Family Guy Peter got addicted to energy drinks, then Lois poured them out the window onto a flower that grew multiple feet, uprooted itself, and went on a rampage. Then Peter tried to make his own energy drink that included such ingredients as diesel fuel, and ruined his kidneys, starting the actual plot of the episode.
The Oggy and the Cockroaches episode "Shake, Oggy, Shake" has Oggy accidentally drinking a super brewed coffee (courtesy of the cockroaches pouring tons of grounds in his espresso press). He ends up a jittery hyperactive mess throughout the episode, and it doesn't help that it's chores day.
Futurama: Fry's story in "Three Hundred Big Boys" finds him using a $300 tax refund to buy and drink 100 cups of coffee. He goes through fast-talking, jittery, and impatient/irritable phases, and his 100th cup gives him time-bending powers that he uses to put out a building fire and rescue everyone inside in the blink of an eye, appearing only as an "orange blur".
Consuming too much caffeine will result in shaking, vomiting, and anxiety attacks.
Additionally, the withdrawal effects of even relatively minor caffeine addiction include shaking, intense headaches, upset stomach, and insomnia.
"Too much" may translate in any amount of coffee, if ingested with an empty stomach beforehand. There is a reason people drink their coffee after a meal.
Possibly the closest thing to Klatchian coffee isn't actually based on coffee. It's a type of tea, called chifir'. Chifir' is a perennial favourite in Russian prisons, and is made by taking two or three tablespoons of tea per person, pouring it on top of boiling water, and letting it boil for 15 minutes. The prisoners then drink 2 sips of it. Each. Anything more can cause heart attacks due to its caffeine content — it is an entirely possible side effect of a caffeine overdose. Because boiling tends to extract tannins and glycosides in addition to the caffeine, this brew is also extremely bitter and strongly constipating.
As a general rule Russians brew tea in two steps. First a so called "zavarka" is prepared — an extremely strong brew (generally around five tablespoons per 1 liter of water), which is then diluted to taste by each drinker (traditionally using hot water from a samovar). Some don't dilute it at all — and this extra strong tea is called "kupets" (merchant).
Somewhat similar to chifir' is Saidinote Upper (i.e. Southern) Egyptian tea. It consists of about 3 teaspoons of tea boiled over a strong flame for about 5 minutes, producing, in essence, a 1/9 recipe of chifir'. This gets back up to chifir' levels when you consider that it's drunk in full servings rather than sips, meaning that you drink substantially more than nine times the amount you typically take of chifir'—although some will drink it with milk (diluting it slightly), the fact that it usually includes ungodly amounts of sugar (to mask the bitterness of such strong tea) makes up for it. And Saidis often drink several cups at one sitting. Visitors from Lower Egypt and elsewhere typically go haywire after half a glass; a Westerner who had a cup once called it "suicide tea" because of its capacity to induce extreme wakefulness and extremely rapid heart rate.
This tea is also consumed in Sudan and Yemen. Yemen is interesting, because they also chew qat, which is essentially caffeine on cocaine.
One should also remember that making Chifir' with sugar qualifies as attempted suicide because of how hard on the heart it is.
Worse, one limited edition run made use of Death Wish Coffee (see the page pic) which bills itself as "the strongest coffee in the world" and claims to be approximately 200% more caffeinated than the average coffee. The store advises only 50 ml a day of this particular kind be consumed daily.
Sighted on Facebook by way of the "Funny Status" app: "I put Red Bull in my coffee pot this morning instead of water. Right now, I can see noises."
It's nothing "magical": a normal can (250ml) of Red Bull is as strong as a strong and similar sized cup of coffeenote one Red Bull can has ~80mg of caffeine, the same quantity of instant coffee between 27mg and 170mg, it depends on how it's brewed, yet the sweet taste and coolness during hot summer months may push the hapless guy to drink comparatively much more Red Bull than coffee, up to 4-6 cans (1-1.5 liters) in a single sitting. Which may be fatal for someone who has increased blood pressure or a heart condition.
Two words: Bawls Exxtra (explanation: Bawls is a high-caffeine soft-drink that tastes like a cross between sprite and creme soda, but contains a bit more caffeine per ounce than Red Bull does. Bawls Exxtra is the sugar-free version, sweetened with AceK and sucralose (Splenda). It has 50% more caffeine per ounce than regular Bawls)
Cocaine energy drink. Three and a half times the strength of Red Bull. Tastes like Gummi Bears and burns when you drink it. Hope you weren't planning on sleeping this week.
For the record, that's about as much caffeine as a 20-ounce drip coffee... in just over 8 ounces of beverage.
The "other" active ingredient in Red Bull is taurine (which is not extracted from bull testes, as much as some people would like us to think), and it's also the ingredient which sparked most scandals with government regulatory bodies in European countries. As a compromise, all energy drinks marketed in Europe were required to have 320mg of caffeine and 0.4% taurine per dose. As in USA there was no such rule, American manufacturers could increase the content of either caffeine, or, as with NOS Energy Drink, taurine. 5-Hour Energy juice has 2.2 times the amount of caffeine/liter in a Cocaine can, yet it comes only in 2oz bottles.
The coffee 'syrup' some fast food places use to reconstitute coffee.
With the Toddy Coffee maker, you can make your own. Put a pound of coffee and 9 cups of water in the brewer (which amounts to a bucket with a filter and plug in the bottom) and let it sit for 12 hours. Pull the plug and drain off the 6 cups of concentrated cold brewed coffee. Cut it with water at 3:1, and you'll have a very smooth cup of coffee. Drink it straight and you'll have to get dentures to replace the teeth that dissolved.
In real life, combining lots of caffeine with lots of alcohol (to use the trope names, mixing Klatchian Coffee with a Gargle Blaster) tends to produce some rather dangerous effects, to the point that it's hard to to tell which set of effects on which life-critical system (namely, your heart or your lungs) will kill you first. The worst part is that the conflicting buzzes prevent you from knowing your limits on either. Thus, one of the nastier "overdoses" to show up in First World emergency departments is the "Red Bull and Vodka" (or substitute your favored local caffeine-and-ethanol concoction) OD - which results in an unconscious patient with a very deadly combination of supraventricular tachycardia and respiratory failure. In response to this class of incident, the FDA in November 2010 clamped down on drinks like Four Loko and Joose by setting limits on the amount of caffeine that can be in the drinks.
The only way to top this required replacing caffeine with cocaine, which is several times more potent stimulant. During Russian Civil War such alcohol-cocaine tincture was called "Baltic Tea", as it was very popular among Baltic Fleet sailors (a primary Revolutionary muscle) as a stimulant and rumored cure-it-all. Given the typhoid fever outbreak that was raging around at the time, these sailors might've been up to something, though.
This vile decoct was actually called "the trench cocktail" (окопный коктейль), because it was introduced as a military stimulant during WWI. "Baltic Tea" is a neologism coined by the modern writer Victor Pelevin.
An old joke is "Cowboy coffee". You toss a horseshoe into the pot. When it floats, coffee's ready.
Alternatively, it causes your legs to bow when you take a sip of it.
'Scoutmaster's brew' is another legendary example. It's put on the fire to perk the night before; in the morning you heat it up until it perks again - and then you drink it.
In World War II, there was a battlefield treatment for shock called a Murphy Drip. It was triple-strength coffee administered rectally, for quick absorption through the mucus membranes.
Coffee via Ass Shove is not just for the history books - google "coffee enema." Some people view it as an important detoxifying health treatment, though it's most likely the effect is from effectively mainlining lots of caffeine.
How can you pick out an experienced barista? One good way is the six-shooternote (also known as an Acid Burn or Race Horse, depending on specific ingredients)— six to eight ounces of espresso in one cup. Even baristas who don't have quite as much a coffee jones will knock back a shot of espresso in well under a minute. For those who like a full-sized cup of coffee, there's the redeyenote Other names include shot in the dark, depth charge, sludge cup, or (for multiple shots of espresso) blackeye., the caffeine equivalent of a boilermaker — an espresso in a cup of drip coffee — which is particularly popular with geeks and various trades.
As noted above, Turkish coffee. It's served in small cups and can give even hardened caffeine addicts a noticeable buzz. Drink the sludge at the bottom if you're brave and have a toothbrush handy.
Mountain Dew was recently introduced (or re-introduced; supposedly PepsiCo tried it in the 80s but it never caught on) to the UK market, but thanks to different food-safety standards in Europe it has to be sold as an energy drink, with a warning on the label that it's unsuitable for children under twelve years old or pregnant women.
When "Jolt" cola was introduced in 1985, the marketing slogan was ""All the sugar and twice the caffeine". When the cane sugar in the original recipe was replaced with High Fructose Corn Syrup, the slogan was changed to "Maximum caffeine, more power".
In the Navy, sailors, especially chiefs, drink coffee that has been affectionately nicknamed bulkhead remover. As in, coffee that is so strong, it could eat through the solid steel walls of the ship.
Commonly brewed with salted water (or apocryphally speaking, with seawater, specifically) similar to the way pasta is made, in order to increase the boiling temp of the water.
Student coffee, AKA Coffin Varnish, which is coffee brewed using energy drinks, cola (usually Dr. Pepper) or even yesterday's coffee. The Italian version is to double-brew a pot of coffee. Brew up a pot of the strongest blend you can find, pour the carafe' into the machine, replace the grounds, and brew again.
There's the quasi-legal (if you have a valid prescription) to wildly illegal (if you're using street speed) "biker coffee." As in, coffee either brewed with amphetamine-class stimulants or with them dropped into the cup post-brewing. Anything from Ritalin and Adderall pill form to a piece of crystal meth can be the option of choice, and this is a very popular option among speed users who wish to maintain some sense of normalcy/avoid police attention.
Averted with espresso shots. They actually have less caffeine per shot than a cup of drip coffee, plus the dark roasts that baristas favor for espresso have less caffeine than lighter-roasted beans.
Afri-Cola has 250mg of caffeine per bottle, making it more potent than Jolt.
Too much of the average Black Tea can cause the same problems as Coffee can. The only 'advantage' using Black Tea over Coffee is that pure Black Tea tastes less intense so more people will drink it.