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Could Say It But
"I'd like to help you, but I can't. I'd like to tell you to take a copy of your policy to Norma Wilcox on [Hands his client notepad and pen] - Norma Wilcox, W-I-L-C-O-X - on the 3rd floor, but I can't. I also do not advise you to fill out and file a WS-2574 form with our legal department on the 2nd floor. I would not expect someone to get back to you quickly to resolve the matter. I'd like to help. But there's nothing I can do."
Bob Parr, The Incredibles

I'd like to explain that this is when Bob wants to say something, but for whatever reason can't, because I'm not supposed to. If I did, I'd say that maybe he'd risk his job if he spoke up, or maybe he just doesn't want to look crazy or malicious, or something like that. And I certainly can't tell you that Bob gets around this by mentioning it but pretending he isn't, as in, "Well I could tell you that the shutoff switch to the doomsday machine is down the hall, first right, second left, behind the water cooler, but I won't do that because I'd lose my job." I'd like to explain that, in other words, he Could Say It But... he won't, except he just did...but I can't.

Sometimes used as an insult, especially in politics. For example, "I refuse to stoop to the level of calling my opponent a corrupt, greedy slimeball."

Truth in Television, the technical term is "paralipsis" or "praeteritio".

See also Suspiciously Specific Denial or I'll Never Tell You What I'm Telling You, for those bits when this is not intentional. Also related to I'll Pretend I Didn't Hear That and Stepping Out for a Quick Cup of Coffee. Do not confuse with I Would Say If I Could Say. May result from the asker using Politeness Judo.

I wish I was able to let you know the following examples...

    open/close all folders 

     Can't say this is Anime or Manga 
  • SHUFFLE! has a version of this. Ama was/is a volunteer test subject used in an incredibly high risk magical experiment. (She volunteered because she felt she had no reason to live.) It failed, and she was, incidentally, thrown into the human world, where she fell in love, had a child, happy ending etc. One day, the Gods (and overseers of the experiment) happen to walk past her almost 2 decades later, and after staring at her for a while, continue walking, talking loudly enough for her to hear:
    Forbesii: "Someone you know, Eustoma?"
    Eustoma: "No, just thinking she looked like someone I knew who passed away."
    Forbesii: "What a coincidence, I was thinking the same."
    Eustoma: "If she were alive, I would want to apologize at least once."
    Forbesii: "Yeah, I feel terrible about what happened to her."
  • Early in Highschool Dx D, when Issei is hellbent on rescuing Asia, Rias firmly tells him that even though a Pawn like him could promote behind enemy lines, like at the church Asia was being held in, that wouldn't be enough and he certainly shouldn't go alone, before stepping out with Akeno. Kiba points out to Issei that even an example demarcation counts, and he and Koneko should just go with him. The person Rias was decieving here was Issei, to maximize his willpower when that was the only thing he had going for him. She and Akeno actually went to the exact same place, neutralizing the guards before the others got there.

     Can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Comic Books folder 
  • The comic book series of The X-Files had an example of this combined with Stepping Out for a Quick Cup of Coffee. Scully was doing an autopsy on a person who died under seemingly miraculous circumstances. A woman and her crippled child came to the hospital and asked to see the body of the "saint."
    Scully: I can't let you in. However, I am going for coffee in a few minutes, and, well, maybe I'll forget to lock the door.
  • In an Excalibur special, Brigadier Alysande Stuart explains to Excalibur that she has no right to give them orders as to how to deal with the current crisis, but if she did, these are the orders she would give them. They take the hint.

     I want to tell you that this is the Fan Works folder, but I can't, so I won't 
  • In the Glee fic Story of Three Boys, when Casey is in the hospital following his suicide attempt, a nurse tells Dave, Kurt, Puck and Finn that she can't let them go to Casey or tell them anything specific about his condition because they aren't his parents or legal guardians. She can, however, tell them what would generally happen if some hypothetical patient tried to commit suicide in the way Casey did.
    Nurse: If this person weren't breathing, they may have to intubate, but that's hopefully not the case in this hypothetical situation, especially since he was breathing on his own in the ambulance. Hypothetically.
  • Subverted by Austria in the second chapter of this Fan Fic: "I could make a very cruel remark right now.... In fact, I believe I shall."
  • Played with in an odd manner (inverted, maybe?) in this Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas fic:
    I could lie and say I walked out of there, walked away from her and her crazy death fetish. I could lie and say the sex we did have wasn't fantastic. I could lie and say the next morning when I woke up and she was pressed up against me, that I wasn't as disgusted in myself as I was in her.
  • In the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic To Be a Better Stallion, Rainbow Dash has a run in with Amethyst, an old friend of Prince Blueblood who happens to be married to one of the Wonderbolts. Amethyst decides to quell Rainbow Dash's disappointment that she's just there on personal business and there's not going to be a Wonderbolts show by telling Rainbow "There's a non-disclosure agreement forbidding me from telling you that you're being considered for a Wonderbolts tryout. So I'm not going to tell you. Because that would be wrong."
  • Professor Colbert in An American Geek In Halkegania is required to be professional and impartial towards the other teachers at all times, even when he's previously disproved said teacher's claims of Air being superior by soundly defeating him: "It does not do, of course, to observe that a fellow professor is a bore, a windbag, or an insufferable ass, especially in front of students, so I shall decline to comment."

     Would never say this is the folder for Films of the Animated variety 
  • The Incredibles:
    • Bob circumvents his insurance company's obstructive attitude by using this method to help his customers, as demonstrated by the page quote. He even whispers "Pretend to be upset" to the old woman as she leaves.
    • For his part, when Bob is being dressed down and asks his boss if he's saying that they shouldn't help people, he answers "The law requires that I answer 'no'."

     Not allowed to say this is for Films of the Live-Action variety 
  • Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams) does this in Good Morning Vietnam with a non-approved news report, and is yanked off the air for doing so.
  • Spock's response to the Enterprise being decommissioned in Star Trek VI: "If I were human, I believe my response would be 'go to hell'. If I were human."
  • In The Parent Trap (the original with Hayley Mills), the Evers' housekeeper, a flagrant busybody, would often conclude her gossip with "But I'm not saying a word, not one single word".
  • In Zodiac, Inspector Toschi shares privileged police information with Robert Graysmith in this way.
  • In Life Is Beautiful Guido declares his affection to Dora:
    Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
    Dora: Say what?
    Guido: That I want to make love to you — not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.
  • In Iron Man 2, Tony's speech at Stark Expo amounts to "I'm not saying that I'M TOTALLY AWESOME."
  • In Outbreak, Morgan Freeman's character gets on the mike and tells Dustin Hoffman's character exactly how to interrupt a live bombing run, under the guise of telling him the dire consequences of doing so.
  • In 1941, Dan Aykroyd's character has to leave an antiaircraft gun at a civilian location. He then proceeds to tell the family in ridiculously specific detail every single thing they should not do, and the specific order they should not do it in. This may be a subversion, given his character—he may have been genuinely telling them what not to do. In any event, Ned Beatty uses the steps in the warning later in the film on to fire on a Japanese sub.
  • In The Godfather Part II, Tom Hagen and Frank Pentangeli have a hypothetical conversation about what happens to people that try to upset the balance of power, which in no way is a reference to Frank entering witness protection and about to testify about the Corleone Family activities to a Senate committee, then balking when he sees a member of the Corleone family walk into the hearing with Frank's brother, who was still in Italy...
    Tom Hagen: "When a plot against the Emperor failed... the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes. Right?"
    Frank Pentangeli: "Yeah, but only the rich guys, Tom. The little guys got knocked off and all their estates went to the Emperors. Unless they went home and killed themselves, then nothing happened. And the families... the families were taken care of."
    Tom Hagen: "That was a good break. A nice deal."
    Frank Pentangeli: "Yeah... They went home... and sat in a hot bath... opened up their veins... and bled to death... and sometimes they had a little party before they did it."
  • The IMF Secretary talking to Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol:
    Secretary: I've been ordered to take you back to Washington, where the DOD will label you as a rogue extremist and hang the Kremlin bombing on you and your team. Unless, you were to escape somewhere between here and the airport, having assaulted Mr. Brandt and me.
    Brandt: [looks at the Secretary] Sir?
    Secretary: You would then illegally scrounge whatever material you could from a backup supply cache that I've overlooked. The same cache where your team are waiting for further orders.
    Brandt: Sir, you may want to...
    Secretary: You will then disappear, and this conversation never having taken place, your intentions would be unclear.
  • Thor: The Dark World: Odin tells Thor that, as a King, he cannot officially approve of Thor's decision to say with Jane, or say how proud of Thor he is for stopping Malekith. "It would speak only from my heart." He then turns out to be Loki under an illusion, making it more ambiguous.

     I could say this is Literature, but I have no right to 
  • Discworld does this a lot.
    • From Wyrd Sisters:
      Magrat: "When's this play going to be, then?"
      Fool: "Marry, I'm sure I'm not allowed to tell you. The duke said to me, he said, don't tell the witches that it's tomorrow night."
      Magrat: "I shouldn't, then."
      Fool: "At eight o'clock."
      Magrat: "I see."
      Fool: "But meet for sherry beforehand at seven-thirty, i'faith."
    • Also Vimes in Night Watch: "And for close-up fighting, as your senior sergeant I explicitly forbid you to investigate the range of coshes, blackjacks, and brass knuckles sold by Mrs. Goodbody at No. 8 Easy Street at a range of prices to suit all pockets, and should any of you approach me privately I absolutely will not demonstrate a variety of specialist blows suitable for these useful yet tricky instruments."
    • Vimes thinks the dwarf and troll community leaders in Thud! are doing this, by "appealing for calm."
    "Do not use the weapons in the antiques cabinet— no, not that one, the other one."
    "We certainly would not be able to help you if you were to leave your coaches around the backside of the University at, say, eight o'clock?"
    • In The Truth William desperately needs more paper for the Ankh-Morpork Times, but the person selling it has already promised his entire stock to William's rivals and can't very well go back on his word. And speaking of words, he really needs to have one with his foreman, who seems to have left a loaded cart right by that wide-open gate over there where someone could just sneak in and drive off with it...
    • It's in the Science of Discworld, too. For various reasons, the wizards need books from the future. The Librarian can get them, but he isn't supposed to. Rincewind talks him into it and translates his answer as follows (paraphrased):
    "He says he's just going to get the books and pile them up here, OK? And then he's going to leave the room and you're not to look at them while he's gone, because he won't know you're doing it. And if he coughs before he comes back in it'll just be because he has a cough and not for any other reason, OK?"
    • In Unseen Academicals, Smeems refuses to admit that the candle The Emperor actually goes out, leaving a curious Nutt to ask "How many times has the candle that never goes out, um, not gone out?" and receive the reply "The candle that never goes out has failed to go out three times since I have been Candle Knave."
  • In one Animorphs book, Rachel helps Cassie retrieve a paper she doodled on with things like hearts, "Cassie + Jake," and cupids. The ensuing conversation:
    Cassie: Just get it. And don't say anything.
    Rachel: Nothing?
    Cassie: Nothing! Not. One. Word.
    Rachel: (laughs) Okay, you're my best friend. So not one word. Especially not "Awww, isn't that sweet?" And definitely not "Cassie is in lo-ove, Cassie is in lo-ove." And no way I'd ever say—
    Cassie: I knew I should have done this alone.
    • Also averted in what by tradition should have featured a Could Say It But: The Animorphs are trapped aboard a Yeerk ship by Visser Three, who has used the opportunity to show off to Visser One (Marco's mom), his rival for leadership of the Earth invasion. Suddenly, the cell opens, a dead Hork-Bajir guard slumps to the floor, and another, differently dressed guard gives them crystal-clear directions (Hork-Bajir Controllers usually speak mangled English interspersed with Yeerk words and their own language) on how to get to the escape pod which will take them back to Earth. They do so, getting to the pod and escaping just before they suffer Mode Lock.
  • Happens in Son of Spellsinger, with a local tradesman telling the heroes where the local evil baron has taken their companion. They agree that, as far as anyone knows, they beat it out of him. He pauses occasionally when telling them to say "Ow."
  • Trumpkin in C. S. Lewis' Prince Caspian, conceding defeat to Susan in the archery competition. "I know when I'm fairly beaten. I won't even say that the scar of my last wound catches me a bit when I get my arm well back..."
  • In John Hemry's Paul Sinclair novel Rule of Evidence, when Paul Sinclair suggests breaking into a computer in search of evidence, Sharpe, the master-at-arms, huffily declares that his position means that such evidence would be tainted — and elaborates at great length on how he couldn't help. (Such as, he can't tell Sinclair that the contact info for someone who can break in is on the system.)
  • A book published by Have I Got News for You had a dig at MP Rupert Allason: "...given Mr Allason's fondness for pursuing libel actions, there are also excellent legal reasons for not referring to him as a conniving little shit". Allason did indeed sue for libel, and lost.
  • This line from the Forgotten Realms novel Shadows of Doom, spoken by an unseen guard:
    "'Twould be the most foolish treason to tell you that it's through here, turn right, and behind the double doors at the end of the straight passage — so I won't tell you that."
    • Sadly, precisely the wrong person also overhears him, is not amused, and kills him right in the next line before he can say anything else.
  • In L. Jagi Lamplighter's Prospero Lost, Theo gives them advice on an Ouija board down to using it on Wednesday if they can't wait for a high holy day — not that he would know.
  • In one of the Xanth books, Gary the Gargoyle is looking for Magician Trent and needs to ask a harpy where to find him. In Xanth, harpies have a reputation for being unpleasant and unhelpful and this is seen as a good thing. Thus, the harpy can't simply tell him what he wants to know, even though he flatters her on her appearance. (i.e. calls her ugly, which is a compliment to harpies.) Therefore, in order to preserve her reputation of being unhelpful, this exchange occurs:
    Gary: I know you'd never tell me where to find Magician Trent.
    Harpy: Right. I'd never tell you to look twenty paces to the left.
  • The prologue of the Sarah Cauldwell mystery novel The Shortest Way to Hades starts by vehemently denying that the book is fictional; it then goes on to talk about what would have been in the prologue if the book were a novel rather than a historical document.
  • Lemony Snicket sometimes does this when narrating in A Series of Unfortunate Events.
  • The prologue of the Second Part of Don Quixote was published after Fernandez de Avellaneda published a Fan Fiction where he called Cervantes "a man without friends" and mocked his broken hand (by a war wound):
    "God bless me, gentle (or it may be plebeian) reader, how eagerly must thou be looking forward to this preface, expecting to find there retaliation, scolding, and abuse against the author of the second Don Quixote—I mean him who was, they say, begotten at Tordesillas and born at Tarragona! Well then, the truth is, I am not going to give thee that satisfaction; for, though injuries stir up anger in humbler breasts, in mine the rule must admit of an exception. Thou wouldst have me call him ass, fool, and malapert, but I have no such intention; let his offence be his punishment, with his bread let him eat it, and there's an end of it."
  • Happens on occasion in The Dresden Files:
    "Look, Murph. I specifically agreed to confidentiality for this client. But … if I were going to talk to you, I'd tell you to check out the murder of a Frenchman named LaRouche with Interpol."
    Murphy blinked and then looked up at me. "Interpol?"
    I nodded. "If I were going to talk."
    "Right," she said. "If you'd said anything. You tight-lipped bastard."
  • In Poul Anderson and Gordon R. Dickson's Hoka stories, at one point Alexander is called to explain something. He declares that since he is unwilling to accuse officials of having accepted a story produced by a drunken or possibly deranged individuals, he can't explain the story they are describing.
  • In P. G. Wodehouse's Jill the Reckless, Wally Mason pulls a memorable example on theater manager Groble:
    "... I'm rather sorry we agreed to keep clear of personalities, because I should have liked to say that, if ever they have a skunk-show at Madison Square Garden, you ought to enter — and win the blue ribbon. Still, of course, under our agreement my lips are sealed, and I can't even hint at it. ..."
  • Late in Aunt Dimity: Detective, there's a meeting to sort out the events around Prunella Hooper's death. After Sally Pine insults her paganism for the second time during that meeting, local witch Miranda Morrow says, "I'll never tell a soul that I saw you that morning, coming out of Crabtree Cottage." Said cottage was the site of Prunella's death.
  • The narrator of "Our Lady of Paris", or The Hunchback of Notre Dame, as it's more famously known, refuses to describe Quasimodo's face, because it's too shocking to imagine. In fact, he refuses in explicit and numerous detail.
  • At one point in one of the Sector General novels, a Maintenance trainee gets lost in the service tunnels; because she's being tested on her navigational abilities, she's not allowed to get directions from anyone. Two other Maintenance workers notice her problem and, without acknowledging her, make several casual comments to each other that happen to include helpful directional information.
  • In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Mad-Eye Moody would like to tell Harry how to win the first challenge in the Triwizard Tournament, but Dumbledore would frown upon it, so he just gives Harry some "good, general advice" that helps Harry figure out how to win.
  • In Tales of MU, Sooni assures the residents of her dorm that she isn't going to use the protagonist's demonic heritage against her in their floor's election for school Senate. Just a few seconds earlier, she had implied that said half-demon wanted to eat their relatives.

     I'd never say it's Live-Action TV 
  • The Fourth Doctor in Doctor Who, while mocking a Bond One-Liner: "I suppose you could say the yolk's on him if you were the sort of person who said that sort of thing, which fortunately I'm not."
    • And the Eleventh Doctor, at the end of "Victory of the Daleks". Bracewell has just turned out to be an android built by the Daleks, and he expects the Doctor to deactivate him. The Doctor and Amy talk pointedly about how they're going to go away and do something else for half an hour, but Bracewell takes a while to get the hint.
    Doctor: So no running off, that's what I'm saying. Don't go trying to find to find that little post office with the ash trees, or that girl—what was her name?
    Bracewell: Dorabella?
    Doctor: Dorabella. On no account go looking for her. Mind you, you can get a lot done in half an hour.
    • The Draconians in Frontier in Space uses this to get around ordering anything illegal. They want to get hold of the Doctor and his companion who are imprisoned by the humans who they are in a Cold War-esque conflict with.
    Aide: Prisoners have been known to escape, your Highness.
    Prince: Not without help. And that would be a grave act of hostility. I could not possibly countenance such a plan.
    Aide: But should two escaping prisoners seek sanctuary in this Embassy, it would be uncivilised to turn them away.
    Prince: (pause) I must not detain you longer. No doubt you have duties demanding your attention?
    • Again, in "The Impossible Astronaut", the Eleventh Doctor insisting: "Canton, on no account follow me into this box and close the door behind you!".
  • Monica in the Friends episode "The One With the Butt": "Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the old Monica would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush... But I'm not gonna do that."
    • Also the episode where Phoebe promises Pete she won't tell Monica that he still likes her. When the two see each other, Phoebe is torn between wanting to tell her and her promise. Monica just feels like she's talking to Lassie...
  • Played for drama in Boston Legal; Alan Shore mentions to a suspect that he "can't advise him to leave the country, even though it's his only way to freedom". He is later defended by Denny for saying that, as Denny claims he "covered his ass".
  • Monty Python's Flying Circus has a sketch in which the Pythons apologize for various implied insults they "didn't intend to imply" about politicians... going into extensive detail on just what insults they didn't mean to imply.
    • Also did this with another politics-related sketch, involving by-elections.
    • Monty Python did this sort of thing at least partly to send up BBC broadcast restrictions on what you weren't allowed to say about British politicians on the news, as a censorship protest.
      • Furthermore, it is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like 'bum', 'knickers', 'botty' or 'wee-wees'. Or 'Semprini'.
  • The Daily Show obviously couldn't stoop so low as to cover Paris Hilton's imprisonment in 2007 — but mentioned that if anyone else wanted to, a good headline for them to use might be "Shawskank Redemption".
    Colbert: "Well then, I have bad news: yesterday, I received, uh [pulls out his computer] this actual e-mail from a lawyer at this network's parent company, which shall remain Viacom-less. He writes, 'At this point, Stephen has used enough of Viacom's resources in promoting the as-yet-unformed PAC.... that the FEC would likely see an in-kind donation from Viacom in the event the PAC is ever actually formed. That means you can't form it. Sincerely, some jerk sitting at a desk.'"
  • On Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson did this as a way of sneakily previewing a car (an Aston Martin V8 Vantage) he wasn't technically allowed to announce yet. The other two presenters played along with a chorus of "I would have really like to hear that" and "Oh, I wish you could have told us that."
  • Stargate Atlantis, in an episode where Ronon is considering leaving Atlantis, has Shepherd saying that he'd tell Ronon that he was a valuable member of the team and it would nigh-impossible to replace him and they'd miss him if he left... but he already knew that, so he wasn't going to tell him.
  • A skit by The Whitest Kids U Know uses this trope with their skit in which they say, "It is very illegal to say 'I want to kill the president'. TOTALLY illegal! I'm allowed to say it to tell you not to say it. On that topic, it is also illegal to say, 'I really want someone else to kill the president, and here are some spots where it would be easy to launch a mortar grenade at him.' Also TOTALLY illegal! Completely!" Here it is.
    • They also do "The Never Song". It starts out straightforwardly telling what kind of behavior that gets you in trouble with your parents and the school, before the third verse which, well...
    Never take cough syrup and mix it up with Iodine and Lye
    Never take cough syrup and mix it up with Iodine and Lye
    Never take the strike pads off a match book,
    Or go to a hardware store and then look
    Near paint thinners for Muriatric Acid,
    Or bring a pot into a rapid
    Boil or get hydrogen peroxide
    Never go to a farming store and then buy
    PH strips and PVC pipes
    Those fuel cans that make outdoor grills light
    'Cause THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE CRYSTAL METH!
  • This happens a LOT in Yes, Minister. Mainly because the Obstructive Bureaucrats need to tell each other things that they shouldn't without actually telling them... 'Hypothetical' situations often feature as, on one memorable occasion, did the simple fact that the person Sir Humphrey wanted to know the PM was talking to was pretty much the only female in the building.
    Bernard: I absolutely could not tell you who she is, Sir Humphrey.
    Humphrey: Thank you Bernard!
  • Supernatural, "The Monster at the End of This Book": A prophet predicts that Sam and Lilith will hook up. Dean goes to Castiel for help, but Castiel says he can't interfere with divine prophecy and Dean is on his own. Just as Dean is storming off, Castiel stops him and adds that the reason he can't help is that prophets are sacred, and should anything, such as for example a demon, threaten harm to a prophet, an archangel will descend with the wrath of Heaven. Dean catches the hint and brings the prophet along to confront Lilith.
  • On NCIS, Abby occasionally resorts to this when the Director has told her to keep something from Gibbs. After all, sign language doesn't count as saying anything.
  • Francis Urquhart, or Underwood in the American remake, uses this as his Catch Phrase in ''House of Cards (UK): "You might very well think that. I couldn't possibly comment." In the American series, this is later used by his political rival, eliciting an expletive from Underwood. THE only real expletive Underwood uses in the entire show, no less. In Real Life British politics, saying what you want to say by saying you couldn't possibly say it is known as "Urquhart's Avoidance".
  • The Unit: the lawyer played by Rebecca Pigeon tells Molly that "I cannot" advise Molly to secretly tape someone to use for blackmail, "as that would be illegal."
  • A ridiculous example from Neighbours, in which Toadie, a lawyer, has to get a message to a friend whose ex-girlfriend has told him not to tell him about her plan to regain custody of their son. He ends up revealing it explicitly with "I can't tell you that..." tacked on. Ridiculous because, a) he hadn't agreed to represent her yet (and made it clear that he wouldn't once he learned who she was) and b) had he actually needed to get around lawyer-client confidentiality, this wouldn't have been enough to get away with it.
  • Taylor Swift likes writing songs about douchebags who cheat on her and writing their names into songs so they're ashamed to go in public. But she's not gonna talk about that in her Saturday Night Live monologue.
  • On an episode of Homicide: Life on the Street, a hotel clerk tells the detectives everything they want to know about a guest in one of her rooms by explaining, at length and with not a hint of irony, exactly what it is she's not allowed to tell them.
    • On another episode, the police aren't allowed to speak to a cult member because his lawyer is in the employ of the cult leader. Gee, Danvers and a couple of detectives get around this by going to his cell and talking to each other about how screwed the poor kid is.
  • Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
    • Giles uses this to deliver stinging reprimands several times, most notably in "Revelations": "I won't remind you that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer. What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer."
    • Buffy and Willow also plan to steal books from Giles' office in this manner in "Halloween":
    Willow: It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
    Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.
    Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
    Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.
  • Scoundrels: Cheryl asks Hope what her sister is up to. Hope indignantly protests that Wests don't rat each other out... then, when Cheryl gives in, adds, "Which is why I can't tell you to check her underwear drawer."
  • On the Sky One production of Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, there's this conversation between Albert and Death:
    "This is not Susan's affair. Which is why, you'll recall, that I expressly forbade her from interfering. Besides, it's against the rules."
    "Yeah, but you know how she is for disobeying rules, Master."
    "You might very well think that I'd already thought of that, but I couldn't possibly comment."
    • The last line was an Actor Allusion: Ian Richardson (who played the voice of Death) used it frequently in his role as Francis Urquhart (see above).
  • On Peep Show, Mark is trying to drop his rival in it with the girl he likes; "Oh, oh no, I've said too much... Just talk to Jeff. Ask him about what happened. At the pub. By the fruit machine. With the girl. And the lips." He walks away wondering if he's been too subtle.
  • In Eureka, Allison does this to Carter, in the episode in which he gets fired:
    Allison: I can't tell you that Dr. Leonardo is the top G.D. dendrologist and that she's working in increasing xylonutrient transport. She has a lab over on South Goddard. I'd be breaking about 35 federal laws. If I told you that.
  • In an episode of Covert Affairs, Annie's superiors are investigating someone she knows under the assumption that they're a spy. Annie disagrees with the approach, as she's sure they're innocent. Auggie's advice:
    Auggie: Okay, I know what I'm supposed to tell you in this situation. I'm supposed to tell you to let Joan run her op. I am not supposed to tell you to go down to the annex and investigate for yourself, and I'm definitely not supposed to tell you that the code for the door is 92762#.
    • In another episode, Auggie gives Joan an ultimatum: allow him access to some top secret files or he quits. Joan tells there's no way she could possibly break that many rules to give him access. She then informs him that she's having some trouble accessing the files, she is going to have to call tech support and read them her access code, and under no circumstances should he still be in the room; does he understand what she's saying?
  • Panelists on QI sometimes try to escape forfeits this way - it works sometimes, mostly determined by Rule of Funny.
  • In a radio spot promoting the then-new Hogan's Heroes:
    Stan Freberg: Shall we say, "If you liked World War II you'll love Hogan's Heroes?
    Bob Crane: Let's not say that, no.
  • Space Cases: Goddard does this with Radu after inadvertently revealing to Harlan that Radu had been lying about his family to fit in with the rest of the crew.
    Goddard: You know, Radu...the first thing they teach you in command school is that a commander must never express regrets. It undermines crew confidence. If I were allowed to do so...I would apologize for having caused you embarrassment. But you understand...I can't.
    Radu: Understood, commander.
  • In Malcolm in the Middle, Reese's CO in basic training really wishes he could tell Lois where her son was deployed, but the information in the specific folder in a drawer that he's opening up is classified. He then leaves the drawer open and turns away to stare outside a window for a good five minutes or so to reflect on just how unfortunate it is that he can't simply tell Lois where to find Reese...
  • An episode of Law & Order: SVU had Fin and Munch unable to interrogate a suspect because he had asked for a lawyer, so they stood in the interrogation room and casually chatted with each other about what kind of prison time the perpetrator of the crime would have to do and where he would be sent. The suspect quickly waived his right to counsel.
    • Another episode, "Military Justice," pulls a hard subverision of this trope. Detective Amaro gets his ex-wife to poke around unofficial channels for information on the perps of the week, who are military. When he presents the information to the squad, ADA Barba freaks and immediately tells Amaro to stop talking now, because the information is a violation of the Garrity rule and could get the case thrown out as a mistrial. When Amaro then takes the "well hypothetically, if someone were to ask the defendant about this particular topic..." approach, Barba doubles down on not wanting to hear about it and kicks him off the case.
  • Played with in an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, in which Commander Sisko holds a meeting ordering his staff not to warn the Cardassians of an impending Klingon attack on nearby friendly(ish) Cardassia... while having his measurements taken for a new suit by Garak, the station's Cardassian tailor and a known former Cardassian spy.
  • Rome. Cisero urges Brutus to kill Marc Antony, who's turned up at Brutus' house to arrange a truce.
    Cisero: He's here, in your hands. I'm simply stating the facts! I do not urge you to any...particular course of action.
  • L.A. Law. Deputy D.A. Grace Van Owen prosecutes a particularly devastating case of an obviously guilty father accused of molesting his 6-year-old daughter. She loses, and has the following conversation with the little girl's mother (played by Kathy Bates) in a conference room:
    Charlotte: What happens if I just take Lisa and we disappear?
    Grace: Charlotte, he has custody rights. You could be charged with kidnapping.
    Charlotte: Uh-huh. So, what if I do that? That's the only way I can keep him away from Lisa, isn't it?
    Grace: (Beat) As a District Attorney, it would be...inappropriate for me to encourage an illegal act.
    Charlotte: Give me another choice! I can't let this happen to her again!
    Grace (not looking at Charlotte): As a District Attorney, it would be inappropriate for me to encourage an illegal act.
    Charlotte: I hear you, Ms. Van Owen. I hear you loud and clear.
    (Grace looks and nods at her; Charlotte leaves)
  • In one episode of Psych the gang is looking for a dirty ex-cop who has shot Henry. The Chief calls Shawn into her office and tells him that he's too emotionally involved, so she will not tell him to go after this cop, even though he's not officially on the case, and she certainly won't mention her belief that Shawn's abilities represent their best hope of catching the guy.

     I'd say this has Music, but I'm not saying anything 
  • The Presidents by Jonathan Coulton. Ends with "I don't like to make political statements..." and subverts it by remaining silent for the last few beats.
    • In a 2008 performance in Seattle (while promoting John Hodgman's More Information Than You Require), scant days after Barack Obama won the presidency, he used that space for a cheer celebrating Obama's victory.
  • Roy Zimmerman's Impeachment Song. Consists of a long list of ways that corrupt rulers have been overthrown and killed throughout history, and the refrain is "All I'm saying is impeachment is too good". The last verse makes it clear what Roy isn't saying.
    I am not advocating
    Any particular course of action
    For to do so could be construed
    As a felonious infraction
    So impeach 'em all, I guess
  • "The One" by Mary J. Blige. "I ain't saying that I'm the best, but I'm the best."
  • "Blasphemous Rumours" by Depeche Mode:
    I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours
    But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor
  • "Anything But Paris" by Paul and Storm:
    This song's not about Paris Hilton
    Anything but Paris Hilton
    We don't care what she's doing
    And we don't care where she's been
    • Starts off as an innocuous list of things that aren't Paris ("Jimmy Carter, baseball, Sno Cones") and ends up as a rant ("Money, privilege, spoiled rotten")
  • Florence + the Machine's "I'm Not Calling You A Liar";
    I'm not calling you a liar... but don't lie to me.
    I'm not calling you a thief... but don't steal from me,
    I'm not calling you a ghost, but stop haunting me...

     Never said this is New Media 
  • Real Life example on the Internet: "In before [overdone meme]."
    • Which, of course, makes "In before X" an overdone meme...
  • The Spoony Experiment, "Let's Play Phantasmagoria": "I just want you guys to know, in a minute I could make a 'Curtis coming out of the closet' joke, but I'm not going to. Because I'm better than that."
  • Subverted in Zero Punctuation's review of Clive Barker's Jericho: "I could go on listing the stupid design decisions... so I will."
    • Played straight more commonly. Pretty much anytime a game has a lot of Ho Yay moments, Yahtzee will comment that he won't stoop to making gay jokes.
  • In his review of He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special'', The Nostalgia Critic uses a counter for the gay jokes he could have made but didn't.
  • This story in The Onion.
  • This occurs with a scientist who helps SCP-105 escape the organization.
    Dr. Dantensen: Well Iris, the SCP Ethics Committee would not allow your execution if you were to suddenly lose your unusual ability.
    SCP-105: Do you mean…
    Dr. Dantensen: Of course if you did suddenly lose your power, they would be unable to run any tests to prove, you were indeed telling the truth. Technically, they could never even prove that you had any power to begin with.
    SCP-105: What would happen to me, if… such a thing were to suddenly happen?
    Dr. Dantensen: Well, I think, hypothetically of course, you would be released as soon as possible, relocated to a high population city, and you would be given a hefty "life reclamation" check from the government every month. Now, you're still young, I would recommend using the reclamation check on college tuition. You're smart, I know, I've seen your charts.
    SCP-105: Thank you so much…
    Dr. Dantensen: For what? I was just telling you about standard SCP procedure for humanoid SCPs.
  • In The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Lizzie does not wish to reveal private information concerning Darcy's treatment of Wickham, so she tells a "story" about "Dar...vid" and "Batman" instead.
    Darcy:If I knew a Darvid, perhaps he would feel differently.
  • One of the "Texts from Superheroes" features a conversation between Wonder Woman and Batman in which they discuss how Lex Luthor managed to get off easy due to the fact that confessions from the lasso of truth are inadmissible from court and how as a being created from magic WW legally does not exist. When asks if this means that she can't be arrested for crashing her invisible jet into his house, Batman has this to say:
    Batman: Officially, I can't condone that. Unofficially, the skies are clear and his address is 647 Front St.
  • During an April Fools special where Doug Walker played "musical critics" with Ask That Guy with the Glasses, The Nostalgia Critic, and Chester A. Bum, at the end of Ask That Guy (in Chester's place) reviewing Monsters vs. Aliens, he's told to mimic Chester's catch phrase, he gives his own version before eventually giving a perfect imitation of his "Change? Ya got change? Come on help a guy out, will ya?" catch phrase, asking if that's what they want, then saying he won't do it. However since they're all Doug Walker characters, this is understandable.
  • This youtube video made by a certain "Rucks the Stranger" is about a hypothetical bad history between him and a certain "Cave Johnson". All completely hypothetically speaking, of course.
  • Subverted in Cracked's article, 4 Shameless Uses of Dead Celebrities by Marketing Campaigns: "I'm really tempted to say that Bob Marley was a political revolutionary whose memory has been co-opted by a bunch of stoner kids with trendy faux-dreadlock haircuts that make them look like poorly thought-out Kurt Cobain statues, so I will. That's exactly what I'm saying. I just said it."

     If I told you this was Radio, I'd never forgive myself 
  • Subverted in an episode of John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme, where an HR representative tries to get across to his friend that "Of course I can't talk about the upcoming layoffs, but I especially cannot tell you that your job is safe", which his friend mistakes for this trope played straight, despite the HR guy getting more and more explicit about precisely what it is he can't say. The punchline is that the reason he's so confident about his job security is that "I'm one of the best detectives on the force!"

     This could be Theater, but you Didn't hear it from Me 
  • Hamlet:
  • Also, in William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, Mark Antony incites a crowd to riot and kill Brutus and his conspirators by making a lengthy and eloquent speech about what an honorable man Brutus is, and claiming that he absolutely didn't want to "stir you up to such a sudden flood of mutiny" like Brutus would, using his superior rhetorical skills, were the situation reversed.
  • Shakespeare does it again in The Taming of the Shrew. Grumio spends a long monologue telling another servant how he could tell him all the mad things that happened on Petruchio and Kate's journey, but he's going to take it with him to his grave.
  • In The Mikado, Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum are in love, but cannot kiss because Yum-Yum is engaged to Ko-Ko. Instead, they sing "Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted", in which they demonstrate, physically, precisely what it is they won't do.
  • The song "I'm Not Saying A Word" from the musical Blood Brothers has Eddie telling Linda, who's frustrated because Mickey won't admit that he has feelings for her, how he himself would treat her... if she wasn't Mickey's love interest. The chorus is him insistently reminding her that this is all hypothetical. They later end up having an affair after Mickey goes to jail.

     Video Games? How would you know? 
  • There's an entire plot line in the BioWare RPG Jade Empire that's kicked off with a speech exactly like this. Minister Sheng can't possibly send anyone to close the Great Dam while there are still Lotus Assassins searching the ruins of the drained lakebed — it would be bad for his career to let them drown! — so he very unsubtly stuffs a key to the gate into the Spirit Monk's pack.
    Sheng: Now go close the Great Dam and I never said that!
  • During one sequence in Knights of the Old Republic II, while controlling a protocol droid, you can (and eventually must) convince another droid that it has already violated its "ethics programming". The following ensues:
    B-4D4: "No, there is nothing stopping you from attacking the guards outside with your stun ray."
    B-4D4: "Of course, I would be obligated to stop you. Therefore it would be best if I were distracted, say by that console behind you."
    B-4D4: "Thank you, T1-N1. Please do not abuse my trust and attack the guards outside, thereby creating a diversion that will allow me to escape with the stolen files."
  • From Planescape: Torment: You go to a wizard who put a spell on a person who now wants it taken off. You convince him to help and he tells you something like: "Alas, I am forbidden to help you. I can't show you this book, and I am most certainly not going to tell you to go to this page and figure out what to do." Then he turns around and hums to himself.
  • This is a key point in episode Patient Zero: 3 in Trauma Team: in the third phase of the mission, the government decides to stop the diagnosis of your patient, and he is ordered not to give any more information. To get around this, Gabriel and RONI decide to have a "chat" with their "bud", really getting the symptoms that they need. They even managed to get a visual exam of his chest after the patient integrates fever into his conversation.
  • In Baldur's Gate 2, Jan Jansen uses this trope to insult Anomen.
    Jan: Anomen, my friend, I realize I've been less than polite with you in the past and I wish to apologize.
    Anomen: Verily, you have played me most false.
    Jan: Indeed! All know you're an unrepentant ass. 'Tis not my place to say so.
    Anomen: Shut up, gnome.
    Jan: Your ugliness, both in body and soul, thought true, is inappropriate for discussion and rankly impolite. You're stupid, poorly educated, and always smell faintly of lilacs, but it was wrong of me to bring attention to it.
    Anomen: Silence before I CRACK YOUR SKULL!
    Jan: Arrogant, drunken, priggish, whiny, pompous are common adjectives used to describe you, but I was wrong to say so. You are completely incapable of independent thought and soil yourself with regularity seldom found outside the nursery. I shall no longer bring these things up in front of the others.
  • In yet another BioWare example, Dragon Age II has a minor sidequest started by a guardsman (or guardswoman, depending on your PC level) loudly lamenting in the middle of the street that she can't legally do anything about a bunch of scammers peddling 'miracle cures,' coincidentally as Hawke walks by. And at the end of the quest:
    Hawke: The scam artists have been dealt with.
    Guard: What? What was that you said? I'm sorry, I seem to be a bit hard of hearing today. And oh clumsy me, I seem to have dropped a bag of coins into your hand.
  • The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker has the "nice girls who never spread rumors" who won't tell you anything even if you pay them rupees.
  • In Professor Layton and the Spectre's Call/The Last Specter, the chief engineer tells Layton exactly what the bad guys are up to, and how to stop them, while claiming he won't say a single word. Luke suspects he's doing this, but it's not clear if it's intentional or not.
  • In Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, TEC gives Peach a quiz. The first few questions are of things Peach and the player know already, but soon, he starts asking about Grodus' Evil Plan as a roundabout way of telling her about it without telling her.
  • The Crazy Enough to Work plan in Halo: Reach to take out two enemy capital ships by creating an improperly configured hyperspace gateway.
    Kat: As a soldier in the field I couldn't possibly have access to those kinds of resources—that said, a good place to look might be... I don't know, the nearest nonexistent launch site in the nonexistent Sabre Program, dismissed by three administrations as preposterous rumor... And in which our newest member was certainly never a pilot.
    Emile: You're scary, you know that?
    • In Halo 4, Captain Del Rio of the Infinity orders his subordinates to prevent the Master Chief from leaving. Commander Lasky informs the Chief of this, and explains that in case the Chief had already left, he had a fully-armed Pelican prepped for pursuit. The guards standing in the Hangar bay with the Pelican even salute as the Chief walks up to "steal" it.
  • In Psychonauts, Sasha tells Raz that he can't teach him how to shoot psychic blasts, as he's not signed up for the camp. He then tells him that there is no way he could possibly use the secret underground railway to meet with Ford Cruller and obtain a training badge that would let Sasha train him. Five minutes later, Raz returns with the badge.
    Sasha: Well, my ass is covered.
  • Borderlands 2's Dr. Zed gets in on this a bit as well, similar to the Dragon Age example. He is in no way dropping large amounts of money into your hands in exchange for bits of wildlife that he most certainly did not ask you to acquire for him, and is disgusted and appalled at the concept. Honest.
    • And as Axton's commanding officer, his wife is definitely not telling him that he is about to be arrested and executed, and that he should get off-world immediately.
  • In Super Robot Wars Z 2, Ozma Lee (who is a member of legitimate organization that's been taken over by a corrupt government) allows Setsuna (who's an old friend of their's from a previous war, but is technically a terrorist according to their new corrupt bosses) to escape by firing a near miss and loudly ordering his men (who also are old friends and don't really support their boss either) to "Not allow the Gundam to reach the unguarded escape route at point A". Setsuna promptly heads to said unguarded escape route.
  • Done as a way to explain a riddle game in Might and Magic VIII — the Big Bad can't tell you how to stop him (he would want to, but there are safeguards that keep him from doing that), but the player characters are of course free to interpret the answers to his riddles any way they want. If that happen to lead them to the way to stop him, well, it's not like he actually told them how to do that. Then he hands you a set of magical keys, arguing that since you don't know how to use them to stop them, that doesn't risk him being stopped and so is not in violation of his programming.

     Who told you this has Webcomics? 
  • Recurring gag on Questionable Content: "I could make some sort of obvious 'who are you and what have you done with the real Pintsize' crack, but it'd just cheapen the moment."
  • A variant can be seen here on Penny Arcade.
  • In Ellie Connelly, the title character explains that she didn't hear anything.
  • Dr. Cook of S.S.D.D would like to tell you about the anarchists' suspicious order that they actually paid for (for once), but they signed a Non-Disclosure Agreement.
  • This (NSFW) strip of Wapsi Square involves Shelly failing to understand that someone is doing this to her.
  • Boneclaw Mother pulls this late in Digger.

     Did I say Western Animation? Nope. 
  • The Simpsons, "Bart Star": Milhouse to Bart (paraphrased): "If I wasn't your friend, I'd say you suck."
    • A variant: "Legally, I can't officially promise you a big cash settlement... but off the record, I promise you a big cash settlement."
    • In "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" the orphanage director drops some hints as to where Homer might find his half-brother Herb. Homer doesn't get it.
  • Bender did this in Futurama too, protesting against the sale of Popplers by telling people about the wide variety of tasty sauces you shouldn't eat them with.
    • Farnsworth also gets a variation in:
      Leela: Are you saying I'm going crazy?
      Farnsworth: No, no, no, no one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.
  • From the Tintin episode "Red Sea Sharks":
    Tintin: "But why are you asking about Alcazar? What's he done?"
    Thompson: "What's he done? My dear friend, if you imagine we tell you that he's smuggling aircraft, you're much mistaken..."
    Thomson: "... or that we'd tell you that General Alcazar is mounting a counter revolution after General Tapioca re-deposed him..."
    *both at once*: "You can forget it!"
  • The Amazing World of Gumball has Gumball and Darwin challenged to a fight (actually a tennis match) with very strange students from another school in "The Sweaters". Neither one wants to fight, and try to consult an authority figure. Mr. Small uses this trope to approve them fighting while Principal Brown gives them "hypothetical" instruction on how to beat someone else up with their shoe.
    Gumball: —and they said we have to fight them at four tomorrow or their super-rich dad will bulldoze the school and build a golf-course on it. I mean, when I say that out loud it's like the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
    Mr. Small: Well, all I can say if there were to be a fight at four tomorrow, I would probably be in this office, listening to loud music with the blinds closed.
    Darwin: Wait, are you actually telling us to fight these guys?
    Mr. Small: No, no, no. No counselor would condone such a thing. I mean think about it: all you friends, the people who work hard to give you an education? All of this, you shouldn't fight for.
    (Mr. Small smiles and winks several times, Gumball and Darwin look on in bewilderment)
    Gumball: ... I think we'll take this further up the chain of command.

     I'm not telling you that this is the Other folder 
  • There is a phenomenon (which may merit its own category) called "Kidding on the Square", in which you "jokingly" insult or attack someone in a manner which nonetheless makes it clear that you actually mean it. Popularized by Al Franken who is said to have coined the phrase "Kidding on the Square" among others.

     Why would I say this contains Real Life examples? 
  • The notoriously cheap president of the Florida (now called Miami) Marlins baseball team, David Samson, savagely criticized the Seattle Mariners for signing their star outfielder, Ichiro Suzuki, to a five-year, $90-million dollar contract extension, claiming that it would be the death of baseball's salary structure. (This despite the fact that Ichiro's contract was not the most expensive in the sport either in terms of yearly salary or lump sum; that Ichiro was by far the most talented, popular, and marketable player on Seattle's squad; and that Ichiro would have almost certainly received even more had he hit the open market with more bidders to drive up his price.) Bill Bavasi, the general manager of the Mariners, replied to Samson in the papers:
    "My mother always taught me that if the only thing you have to say is 'Fuck Dave Samson', then don't say anything at all. So I'm not going to say anything at all. Is my mother the greatest or what?"
  • Football and basketball coaches have on numerous occasions criticized officiating by saying that they (or others) weren't allowed to do it. Two memorable quotes are "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating" and "No matter how terrible the officials are, please don't throw things onto the court."
  • During the 2008 American Republican primaries, candidate Mike Huckabee showed a group of reporters a negative ad targeting one of his rivals, and announced that he had decided not to air it. The ad probably got much more attention than if he'd just run it normally.
    • This sort of thing is relatively common in politics, though this example is worse than most. Remember, buying ad time costs money, but if the news airs it for you, it's free.
  • This bash quote (note: quote contains sexually violent descriptions), with added False Reassurance.
  • Toughbook's ads saying "Legally, we can't say..." followed by some feature of their mil-spec laptops.
  • How Bruce Sterling proved his chops when he spoke at a conference of early computer game developers:
    So anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm here tonight, some hopeless dipshit literary author... and when am I going to get started on the virtues and merits of the prose medium and its goddamned wonderful storytelling. I mean, what else can I talk about? What the hell do I know about game design? I don't even know that the most lucrative target machine today is an IBM PC clone with a 16 bit 8088 running at 5 MHZ. If you start talking about depth of play versus presentation, I'm just gonna to stare at you with blank incomprehension...
  • Charles Francis Adams, the diplomat representing the US to the UK during the Civil War, became a hero to his countrymen after writing a note to the British foreign minister, Earl Russell, in which he complained that a Confederate warship being built near Liverpool was about to put to sea without interference, and added: "It would be superfluous in me to point out to your Lordship that this is war." As his son and secretary Henry Adams later explained it:
  • This trope is actually Older Than Feudalism: known as "evasio" to Roman rhetoricians like Cicero, it was used in law courts or speeches for the same purpose as every other example here.
  • One lawyer joke goes like this: After a lawyer's objection is overruled, he asks the judge, "Your Honor, what would you do if I called you a senile old fool?" The judge replies that he would hold the lawyer in contempt. The lawyer then asks, "What if I only thought it?" The judge replies that, as long as he only thought it, there was nothing he could do. The lawyer nods, and says, "Alright, then. For the record, I think you are a senile old fool, Your Honor."
    • There's an old baseball story about a player who actually pulled this on an umpire after the umpire made a call he didn't like. Predictably, the umpire threw him out of the game.
  • During Prohibition, Vino Sano and Fruit Industries, Inc. sold compressed blocks of grapes marked, "Warning. Do not place this brick in a one gallon crock, add sugar and water, cover, and let stand for seven days or else an illegal alcoholic beverage will result." The Feds stomped them anyway. (Article with photo.)
    • Similar warnings against beer making could be found on Pabst Blue Ribbon malt syrup.
  • The 1870 volume The Gentleman's Directory included this rationale for its extensive listing of New York City brothels:
    "Not that we imagine the reader will ever desire to visit these houses. Certainly not. We point out the location of these places in order that the reader may know how to avoid them."
  • In his autobiography, Dutch missionary and Bible smuggler Andrew van der Bijl relates how, after obtaining an incriminating mark in his passport book that prevented him from passing through certain Communist controlled countries, he asked a foreign affairs clerk if there was any way he could manage to get a new, un-marked passport. Allegedly, the clerk replied that he could not give him any advice, not even that once his passport book was filled, he could just get a new one.
  • The British satirical magazine Private Eye is regularly sued for libel. On one occasion—Arkell v Pressdram (Pressdram being the Eye's publisher)—the plaintiff's lawyers sent a letter saying, "[Mr Arkell's] attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply." The Eye felt that they had Arkell—a local politician caught taking bribes—dead to rights and would win in court. Naturally, this was their reply:
    "We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off."
    • Translated from legalese: "The amount we're suing you for depends on how you answer this letter." "What if we answered you by saying 'fuck off'?"
  • "I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" — Ron Atkinson
  • "...is for educational and informational purposes only"

...but I'd get in trouble if I did.


*Cough* Snark *Cough*DialogueCovert Distress Code
The CouchComedy TropesCounter Zany
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