Funny: The Nostalgia Critic 2012 Episodes
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Santa Claus: The Movie
- The Critic begins by announcing that he'll do another Christmas movie to end December, causing Douchey McNitpick to pop up and complain that Christmas is already over. The Critic shoots him to shut him up. Doubles as a Moment Of Awesome.
- "I've invented JAPAN!!"
- *Angrish* "FOR FREEEEEEE?!?!"
- The reenactment of John Lithgow's acting coach's instructions during that scene.
- The Critic's getting choked-up over Patch's leaving scene, with one of the reindeers crying.
"Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la—" *sobs*
- During the scene where Patch's toys are falling apart and Patch is watching in horror as children cry, the Critic proceeds to show Arthur mocking the children.
- The Critic's incredulity at the lengths Movie!Santa goes to make his delivery, even at the cost of his wife and reindeers' lives, and wonders if Real!Santa would do the same. Cue Santa Christ appearing, having weathered three snowstorms, two tornadoes and a tsunami to give the Critic a Sega Genesis...only to find out that the Critic already has one. He slams the door on the way out.
- "Hellooo, eBay."
- "And if you look at our 5-Day forecast you'll see that we get...RAIN!!" *Happy dance to marching band music*
- It's even funnier for someone from Northeastern Iowa, as they use that region's weather map.
- Christmas II: GARBAGE DAY!!!
Phelous: Let it go.Critic: I know...
- Mozart's Requiem playing during Santa's sorta-Heroic BSOD.
- And before that, the Critic's darker take on the elves rescuing Santa and his wife and giving him eternal life:
Critic as Elf: *Cheerfully* You will live here now!
Critic as Santa: What?!
Elf: You'll deliver toys for all eternity!
Santa: I didn't agree to this!
Elf: You will live forever!
Santa: I have some questions about all—
Elf: *Still cheerfully* Or we can throw you out in the snow to die! Would you like that better?
Elf: Alright then! Get to work, slave; we're not paying you anything.
Elf: Your wife will also be our impregnated elf queen.Santa: What?Elf: Nothing. TOY MAKING TIME!
- And before that, the Critic's darker take on the elves rescuing Santa and his wife and giving him eternal life:
- The Critic's Black Comedy ending:
Critic: "This is the creepiest North Pole ever put to film! At least it would be, if this weren't all a hallucinogenic dream, followed by death."*Fade in to the scene at beginning of the film, only to cut back to the Critic*Critic: "Okay, okay, that's not the real ending. But wouldn't that be awesome!?"
- The note at the very end of the video saying not to tell Linkara he's reviewing the odd-numbered Star Trek movies next, as he'd want a cameo.
- The Evil Popcorn-munching Man strikes again!
- A moment of Dark Humor here.
Kid: Are you Santa?Santa: Boy, I hate it when this happens.Critic: (brandishing his gun) Santa has to make sure you have a silent night. (fires)
- Critic's initial enthusiasm about potentially learning more regarding the real historical figure that Santa Claus was based on
Critic: Oh, you mean we’re gonna talk about the actual Saint Nicholas and what we historically know about hi- He’s a fat guy with toys; we’re running with that angle.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
- Making a Stupid Statement Dance Mix of the KHAAAAAAAN!!! scene...to the Wrath of Khan theme.
- Chester's 'salary':
Chester: I cannae du it, cap'n! I dinnae have th'powah! Or the, uh... [rattles cup] ...money?Critic: [sighs; tosses him a penny]Chester: [cha-ching] Thank you!
- Showing Bill & Ted whenever the V'Ger cloud makes its electric guitar chord.
- Chester getting an incoming cameo critic, and the Critic fearing that it's Linkara. Instead it's Angry Joe, who proves that he's just as much of a Star Trek nerd as Linkara.
- Fastforwarding through the reveal of the Enterprise, complete with dialogue and actual audio from Spaceballs.
- "My Oath of Celibacy is on record, Captain." *Beat* "Anyway, how's your sex life?"
- "Hey, sir! Listen to this! Luke, I am your father."
- When Bones gets beamed up, the Critic starts playing "Stayin' Alive".
- The Critic describing Ilia—post-V'Ger takeover—as the perfect woman, to the outrage of the audience's female members:
"Am I wrong, ladies? Am I—" *SLAP!!* "Ow."
Bones: (comes in, having missed the action) Jim! What's going on?Kirk: (points) The Tricorder.Critic as Bones: No, that's a bald woman. (someone hands Bones a tricorder) But this is a tricorder.
- Speaking of V'Ger/Ilia moments...
- "This is just watching a bunch of footage and then seeing someone comment on it! Who the hell would want to see that?!"
- The entire scene with the Critic talking over the all the characters just staring at the screen. "Come on! Do something, dammit! Fire a laser or some shit! I don't know! Please do something! Cut! CUT! CUT...!"
- The Critic and Joe's reenactment of the KHAAAAAAAN!!! scene, brought on by the lack of action and cuts in the film:
Critic: Angry Joe, why didn't you tell me?! Tell me there's an edit coming up! These shots are going on forever! Please, give me a cut! Just give me a cut!!Joe: *sitting exactly like Khan* Oh, I've done far worse than give you no cuts. I've hurt you... and I wish to go on... hurting you. I shall leave you as this movie left me...left all audiences...marooned in the center of a dead screening. Bored out of your mind... bored out of your mind...Critic: *trembles with rage* CUUUUUUT!!! CUUUUUUT!!!! CUUUUUUT!!!!!Joe: *expression of blissful schadenfreude*
- It's especially hilarious when you remember that Ricardo Montalban is Mexican, and since Joe was the only one on the site who's Hispanic (he's of Puerto Rican descent), instead of being an Unexpected Character, it made him the perfect person for this role.
- When Spock begins recording his transmission before going into V'Ger, the Critic sums it up as "We'll be back after these messages". Then the video fades out and actual Blip commercials begin to play (provided you haven't ad-blocked them or watched the review on YouTube).
- One could say it's just as funny even if you've watched the review with the ads blocked/on Youtube.
Critic: Chester! report!Chester: We were intercepted by a word from our sponsor!Critic: (...) Raise shields against any more commercial plugs!Chester: Aye, sir! ...Incidentally, the raising of the shields is brought to you by the delicious taste of Diet Coke.Critic: CHESTER!!Chester: Sorry!
- What follows after is just as funny:
- One could say it's just as funny even if you've watched the review with the ads blocked/on Youtube.
- Near the beginning, with the female Vulcan Elder mind-melding with Spock... and getting "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" for her troubles.
- "Uh, I joined Starfleet to pay for college. Is there any chance we couldn't blow up on my first mission?"
- During the V'Ger reveal, the Critic at one point desperately tries to liven up the interminable effects shot by splicing in an 'action sequence' — which turns out to be the same shot of a crew-member hurrying through a (slowly) closing door used in an earlier effects shot.
- As Decker and Ilia have their "cheesy romantic past dialogue," the Ethereal Choir from Airplane! starts playing, complete with the failed high note at the end.
Ted Striker: What a pisser.
- "Oh, it turns out I've been saying his name wrong all this time. It's not Spock; it's Spooooock..."
- Also, the credits, which apparently stars William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Deforest Kelly, "and the rest!"
- The Critic's comments on the opening of V'Ger resembling the Sky-Gina from The Langoliers.
- "Need I remind you of the Holy-shit-you-nearly-killed-us moment not a few minutes ago? Ye twat."
- "SPOCK SMASH!!" *gets zapped by the probe* "OW!!! SPOCK NO LIKE THE SHINY THING!!"
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
- Opening the review with a recap of The Wrath of Khan, done in the style of Batman.
- Squeeing over how cute the monster-thing is, nicknaming it Balzac, and his breakdown later on when it dies.
Critic: You screenwriting bastards, you killed my Balzac!!
- He even adds a final tribute after the stinger: "In loving memory of Balzac. You were a good boy."
- The Sci-Fi Guy's cameo, tricking the Critic by being slavishly nice as he's about to die, and then killing him via explosion instead.
Guy: As a sci-fi nerd, it's kinda required by the law that I own everything Star Trek related, even the really bad stuff like the Christmas Special.Critic: There was a Christmas Special?Guy: Yeah, it's only legally viewable in Amsterdam.
- The Critic having the gall to say that more people should be accepting of death. Hey Critic, Ma-Ti and Chester would like a word with you.
- The Mind-Meld Sarek does on Kirk.
Sarek: Oh god, look at all the green-skinned whores. Is this all your mind is filled with?!Kirk: The thoughts need a hobby.
- Comparing the voice of the alien trader McCoy speaks with to Stitch. The Critic makes for a convincing Stitch.
- And he turns it into a Running Gag.
- "Any time you want to use the word 'tiny', just use the word 'Takei' instead."
- Later, during the Vulcan "sex", the use of George Takei and his catchphrase. "Oh my!"
- When Kirk is ordered to surrender the "wessel": "Well I have no idea what a 'wessel' is...so I can't surrender it."
- "Wabbit twacks!''
- Practically orgasming over the "Spocker" sex sequence before dropping the act and feeling disappointed over how tame it is.
- "Spock, when a pretty girl tells you to finger her, that's not what she means."
- The Critic's strange, temporary Christopher Walken impression his voice goes into after the commercial break.
- Enterprise + Countdown = BOOM!
- When Kirk kicks Kruge in the groin:
Kruge: [in a squeaky voice] 1.21 gigawatts!?!
- And then, when he is knocked off a ledge to his doom:
- A new toy called Genesis! Which can simulate life in 2 seconds, but can't make a good Sonic game in years!
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
- When Sybok approaches J'on, the Critic adds the dramatic music from Lancelot's approach in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
- Topped with Lancelot actually appearing, complete with slashing of one guard, with the other guard saying "Hey..."
- The conversation between Shatner and the producer, with Shatner trying to get the three-breasted cat ladynote into the movie.
- "I can't believe I'm saying this: 'A Romulan, a human, and a Klingon walk into a bar.' Don't look at me, I'm sure it was written that way in the script."
- Responding to Kirk's "I'll die alone" line.
- The "Row Row Row Your Boat" sing-along. Complete with follow-the-bouncing-ball. And Shatner's head for the ball. And singing children who apparently think that "boat" is pronounced "boyt".
- Then, pouting when he can't sing "Row Row Row Your Boat" for the second time, as the crew board the Enterprise-A.
- "Row Row Row Your Boat, gently down the stream! Merrily merrily merrily mer—WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING??!!!"
- When he refuses to know that he heard a line like "Hold your horse, Captain" in a Star Trek movie, and when the clip is repeated, he says that he's already repressed that memory.
- The look on the Critic's face when the admiral sends the broken-down Enterprise and not a functional ship with Kirk on it.
- He compares the writing to The Little Rascals, even noting that Spock's reaction looks like the dog's.
- Throwing in The Joker's "People will die!" line into the hostage video.
Critic: "What, was a representative of Hogwarts on that planet too?"Avada Kedavra!" *screen goes white*
- Immediately after that, noting that in the hostage video, J'on looks a lot like Voldemort.
- Not being able to hold in his gag reflex and throwing up onscreen at the Uhura fan-dance.
Critic: Save me, Corporate America!
- Not to mention him weaponizing the "cut-to-commercials" gag to avoid said scene:
Man: "Quick, put some clothes on that woman! Frank, give me your robe!"Frank: "But then I'll be naked."Man: "Trust me, it'll be better!"
- The Critic's take on what the men running toward Uhura were really thinking.
Uhura: "Hello boys! I've always wanted to play to a captive audience."Man: "For the love of God, don't rape us!"
- It get's better:
- And later, he tries photo-shopping Catherine Zeta-Jones's face onto Uhura's. It doesn't help.
- Of Chekov: "I'm not done mispronouncing things. Hand over all your wascally wabbits."
- And as the Enterprise evades a Klingon torpedo by warping away: "Meep-meep!"
- Comparing the inconsistent deck numbers as the Power Trio rocket by them to a video game glitch. Made even better by showing Spoony's DC Universe Online glitch video.
- All the comments about the so-called "dangers" of the Great Barrier.
- The Cowardly Lion as God: "I'm the Messiah! I'm the Messiah! Hallelujah!"
- His defense of God asking for a Starship, noting that God has asked for some rather bizarre things before:
"Jesus, die on the cross! Abraham, kill your son! Moses, wander through the desert for about 40 years!"
- The death of "God" by the Klingon Bird-of-Prey:
Critic: So...a photon torpedo barely hurts it, but a few shots from a tiny, little laser finishes it off?Spock in the Original Series: *beat* Logical.
- Adding The Three Stooges theme when Scotty bumps his head.
- Saying the woman from the previous good Star Trek movie "will later be banished to the same horrendous realm Captain Decker was banished to."
Star Trek: Generations
- The Critic lampshading his (sometimes) over-reliance on film clips in place of jokes and awkwardly making a reference to a "Sauron" in an obscure comic-book reference instead of the obvious.
- And then he runs out of Ghostbusters jokes.
- After Kirk meets Sulu's daughter on the Enterprise-B, who says she's heard so many things about Kirk:
Critic: Yes, [pulls out a copy of "To the Stars" by George Takei] like how he originally wanted to be the captain of the Excelsior in Star Trek II, but you wouldn't let him. Uh, how you didn't show up to Gene Roddenberry's funeral, that was pretty douchey. And, uh, how you're just an all-round great big prick. It's a fascinating read!
- And related to this, making fun of the obviously awkward interplay between Kirk and Scotty, and the fact that the two actors are clearly having difficulty hiding their dislike for each other.
Critic: I'm contractually obliged to like you!
- And related to this, making fun of the obviously awkward interplay between Kirk and Scotty, and the fact that the two actors are clearly having difficulty hiding their dislike for each other.
- "So, as they go out on their first trip, just for a routine test run, there's—say it with me now—'a distress call. They're the only ship in range, and they don't have the proper necessities, but they're going anyway.'" *smiles proudly* "I have trained you well."
- Playing Get Ready for This when Harriman finally asks Kirk for help.
- The Critic describes a much saner way to get to the Nexus:
Sauron: Shuttle, please. *cha-ching* My God, was that easy! Hello Nexus, how are you?
- The "I'm homeless, you moron" look on Chester's face when the Critic remarks that it's not like he needs residuals of the Big Lipped Alligator Moment meme.
- When Geordi is beamed back to the Enterprise after being held prisoner:
- Also, the Critic complaining that he gets groped while passing through airport security, while Geordi doesn't even get searched for spyware after he's returned to the ship.
- The memorial and gravestone for the little girl's teddy bear. Right next to Balzac's.
- Even better; it's written as BAAAALLSACK.
- "TOAST!! WE HAVE TOAST!!!"
- Spot... will live.
- The ending, with the Critic rejoicing that he's nearly made it through Star Trek Month without a cameo from Linkara... only to have a screen pop up announcing a crossover with Linkara next week.
- Double funny when Fridge Brilliance kicks in. He said cameo, not crossover.
- The Running Gag of the Batman style recaps of the previous film giving up upon realizing that the move to the The Next Generation era makes it pointless.
- "So that's Star Trek Generationsitmakesnosense."
- Just as Picard and Riker beam up from the wreck of the Enterprise bridge:
Picard: Picard to Farragut...
Critic: What'd you call me?
- "Ah, it'll be good to see the ship once agai—" *KABOOM!!!* "—Aw, goddammit! Number one, I gave you two orders while I was gone! Don't blow up the ship and don't sleep with anything! I thought the latter would be more probable!!"
- The Critic pointing out that Geordi gets kidnapped so much you could put him in a cell with Robin, April O'Neil, and Princess Peach and he wouldn't be out of place.
- The subtle Hypocritical Humor that he would take his child out of the ship as soon as any Klingon spoke a bad word.
- "I just wanted to go to the So'op!"
- Remarking that James T. Kirk's Famous Last Words were in fact... a George Takei impression.
- This exchange regarding an average fan's reaction to the film's technical language:
Riker: Data, can we blah blah blah the technobabble?Data: Maybe. If we yadda yadda yadda, there's a chance it'll boomity boomity. It's very unlikely that it'll homina-homina, but we'll give it a shot and of course it'll work.Riker: All hands brace for boomity-boomity!
- After Guinan explains to Picard what the Nexus is and explicitly warns him not to go into it:
Critic: (as Picard) Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find the Nexus. Sounds friggin' awesome.
Star Trek: Insurrection
- The Critic beginning the review running through Kami-Con screaming (pausing to have a Q and A session) and trying to hide from Linkara in That SciFi Guy's room. Just when he thinks he's safe, however...a very cross Linkara himself appears on his TV screen, complete with Ironside playing in the background and the most epic expression of horror on the Critic's face.
Linkara: Hello, Critic. Start the review.Critic: *Starts sobbing*
- Upon entering the Guy's room:
Critic: (Puts his hand over Sci-Fi Guy's mouth and whispers) It's him.Guy: (muffled) Who?Critic: (looks around furtively, whispering) Linkara.Guy: (still muffled) Linkara?!Critic: (loudly) Lower your voice, Sci-Fi Guy!! He can smell geek...
- Linkara pointing out how the Critic gets facts about films wrong, referencing his mistake from Battlefield Earth.
- Also when he starts, Linkara pulls out a massive stack of papers. Makes you wonder what exactly the errors he found were.
- The Guy's confusion over whether he's in this review or not:
The Nostalgia Critic: Well, it's kind of just a "duo" thing.
Guy: But... it's my room.
The Nostalgia Critic: Yeah...
Guy: Okay, I guess I'll just go stand silently in the corner. [does so]
- Any time the Critic screams into the Sci-Fi Guy's pillow and clangs his head inside a garbage can, while going crazy from Linkara's casual geeky nit-picking. Linkara even has access to every Star Trek episode so he can show proof of all the inconsistencies of the movie with the show!
- The Critic wondering whatever happened to the Bolian who appeared in one scene and simply vanished.
Critic: (to music from Titanic) Who were you, Blue Man...?
- "So (Picard) meets up with the Oompa-Loompa Queen, who then proceeds to partake in the ritual of making bald men look like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz."
- The apparently-pointless attempt at Picard's backstory being interrupted by enemy fire, and the Critic's take on it:
"You know, this reminds me of when I was a little girl in Ala—" *BOOM!!!* "Whoa, what was that?!"
- The Critic fulfilling the "One Exploding Head Per Crossover" clause of Linkara's contract by asking Data if stem cells, abortion, and the death penalty are morally sound.
- The "video game":
- "Thanks for saving us with your technology-by-the-way-we-hate-technology."
- "Stay with me! Don't let go of this moment!"
- The Critic and Linkara don't even mention that F. Murray Abraham is in this until the review is almost over:
Linkara: So, in a twist, or at least I think that's what they're calling it, we find out that the dying race, called the Son'a, are the exact same race as the Ba'ku! They just left the planet so they didn't have the healing powers that the Ba'ku had!
Critic: So, as you can see, the ethical standpoint of this movie is so weak, that they had to make up other reasons to hate the bad guys!
Linkara: Well, you can also tell he's the villain by the fact that he looks like Salieri's skin melting.
Critic: Oh yeah, I forgot. That's F. Murray Abraham, isn't it?
Linkara: It's okay. I think even he forgot he was F. Murray Abraham in this picture.
- The Critic's reaction to the movie's one funny joke:
Worf: The Son'a crew would like to negotiate a ceasefire. It may have something to do with the fact that we only have three minutes of air left.
Critic: So bored by the rest of this, I can't even bring myself to laugh at that.
- When Linkara—to the Critic's chagrin—wants to go over Star Trek: Nemesis after the review, the Guy suggests that he simply turn off the TV. The Critic does so, only to have the audience demand that he review it.
- As the Critic turns the TV off, Linkara's reaction is priceless (particularly when one recalls part of Linkara's shtick is that he doesn't curse in his reviews).
Linkara: What the fuc—
- This bit:
*After Sci-Fi Guy returns from the corner*
Critic: I hoped you learned your lesson.
Guy: What lesson? I didn't do any—
Critic: Do you want to go back to the corner?
- A small one, but apparently, the Amish hate Linkara.
- The review begins with the Critic being interrupted by Dr. Bitch Spasms—a parody of Robin Williams!Patch Adams—goofing around, throwing a red nose at him, and spin-hopping away...which becomes a Running Gag!
Critic: Ya know, I'm really regretting writing this character...
- Hell, pretty much EVERYTHING involving Spasms.
- Another classic facial expression occurs during one of these scenes. This troper calls it the expression of a wasp that's just been swatted.
- Which culminates in the Critic shooting him at the end (twice), and reassuring that he will not be a Recurring Character.
- The stuffy British Angrish whenever something "unorthodox" comes up.
- "THE ORTHODOX LEVELS ON THIS ARE MOST UN!!"
- "We are not on the same level as our patients! We are HEALTHY!"
- "There's ORTHodox... there's UN-orthodox... and there's MOST UNORTHODOX!! ...YOU'RE HE-AAAAAH!!!"
- "MOST UNORTHODOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!"
- During Dean Walcott's Establishing Character Moment (a speech where he says the school aims to "train the humanity" out of future doctors), the Critic cuts in the Cobra Kai "an enemy deserves no mercy" speech.
- During the final confrontation between Patch and Dean Walcott, the Critic quietly plays the leitmotif of the Uruk-hai.
- The sequence mocking the "look beyond the problem and focus on the solution" scene involving the Critic suggesting putting out a fire with a banana.
- Critic saying which he'd prefer: the Jerk Ass guy recommending amputation, or Patch Adams. Cue Patch Adams pressing his face against a glass window.
- The Critic's reaction to Adams'...redecorating...of the hospital doors.
- Patch Adams: "He Steals From Hospitals!"
- "I wouldn't see that!"
- The Critic taking a scene and putting it in the corner to save it for later, only for the scene to activate the commercial break.
- "This is my way of telling you you have cancer!"
- The introduction of the Traumatic Childhood-Cure Monkey Plushie.
- The Critic's rage, culminating in a big—
- The Critic Giving the movie a whoopin' after finding out that Carin Fisher was based on a man who was Patch's best friend, and was never molested as a child.
NC: (frantically browsing the internet on his phone) I mean, maybe she did get murdered! Maybe she was molested as a child! Maybe she was (finds what he was looking for and suddenly stops)...A MAN.
- Before that, Carin's Rape as Backstory and death leads Critic to try and research who she really was in an attempt to figure out if he can make a joke about it without it being distasteful. He's not pleased with what he finds out.
- This line:
Critic: If I...stab you...can you promise me that you will not only die, but that it will also hurt?
- The Critic's impression of Patch's emotionless roommate, Mitch Roman.
Critic (as Mitch) I hope you, in no way, emotionally change me by the end of this film *prolonged snort*.
- "First we will cure patients, and then, the world! Me-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HEH!"
- Critic's response to a senile old lady talking about wanting a swimming pool full of noodles.
NC: Look up Japanese porn, I'm sure you'll find something.
- Doubling as a Crowning Moment of Awesome, the Critic lampshading how uncharacteristically cold the non-Patch doctors are in the film.
NC: Alright, are you telling me that years and years of medical research and we never put together, until the early seventies, that there's a difference between not being emotionally involved and not being...a dick?
200th Episode: Ponyo
- The title card isn't related to Ponyo at all: just the Critic being surrounded by a faceless angry mob.
- His 200th review opens with the Critic in his panel, announcing what he's reviewing...and is mobbed by angry fans in response!
Mob behind the door: *chanting* Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify him...!
- LittleKuriboh's cameo, where he beats the Critic senseless with a baseball bat for reviewing Ponyo (in spite of the Critic making it clear early in the review that he likes it), while going on about why it was a good movie - completely in deadpan.
- A large part of what makes LittleKuriboh's cameo hilarious is the subtle sort of grace with which he seems to clobber the Critic, as if this is something he practices and does on a regular basis. Also the Hypocritical Humor at the end, given his claim to fame.
- Spike Spencer continues the Running Gag of torturing the Critic by planting a grenade in the Critic's pants during their animated conversation! In other words: Shinji finally snapped.
- And then Uncle Yo goes by the Rule of Three by shooting him multiple times after pretending to agree with him, just to be a troll.
- "That's a lot of fish."
- "PONYO WANTS HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!"
- All of the Demon!Ponyo impressions, really.
- "Oh...ohh! It tastes like the deceased!" ~Demon!Ponyo, on ham.
- "By the demons of the sea I will have HAAAAAAAAM!"
- The epic demon stare-down between Demon!Ponyo and the baby.
- "Po-o-o-onyo, Po-o-o-onyo, Po-o-o-onyo, Destroyer of Man!!"
- Any time the Critic makes fun of Risa's crazy driving.
- When Fushimoto says the moon is going to fall to Earth, he points at it and it's been replaced by the moon from Majora's Mask.
- Fushimoto telling Sōsuke that if he fails to take care of Ponyo, "he will look for [him], he will find [him], and he will kill [him]."
- "Hey Sosuke, have you seen my soul?"
- "Wow, he said that pretty nonchalantly. I wonder if that's a normal question to ask someone whose been to the surface."
Critic!Fujimoto: Did you have fun?
Critic!Fushimoto: Did you take a lot of pictures?
Critic!Fushimoto: Did you taste blood?
Critic!Ponyo: Yeah—I mean, no!
Critic!Fushimoto: Oh! You did, you tasted blood! *both laugh*
Critic!Fushimoto: Who did you kill?
Critic!Ponyo: A Kardashian.
Critic!Fushimoto: Oh, well that's okay.
- "I mean, I know she's using her demon powers to wipe out mankind. But still, my son and her might get along."
- The Critic is trying very, very hard not to reference the 2011 tsunami in Japan, at one point looking over his shoulder to find that the Elephant in the Room is there, just silently staring at him.
- Describing the way Fushimoto looks when Sōsuke's mother first sees him as "If Tim Burton directed a movie version of Mario Sunshine."
- The ending, with the Critic finally convincing the con-goers about how Ponyo is a good movie, and the fans seem mollified! ...Until he slips the tongue on how inferior he thinks Howl's Moving Castle is. He is once again clobbered by the angry mob. Over the ''Ponyo'' theme song.
- "There's no time, Michael Bay it!"
- On Ponyo's mother:
- The scene when Sosuke's mom talks with his dad via searchlights/Morse Code:
Mom: BUG OFF BUG OFFDad: AT LEAST YOU GET MORE THAN 4 LINES IN THIS MOVIE
- The Critic going "Kawaii!! Kawaii!!".
Dunston Checks In
- The Critic cutting off his own opening line mid-sentence to yell "Monkeys aren't funny!"
- Demonstrating how water humor works, and then getting punched by a giant arm with a boxing glove.
- The Cliche Checklist with Jason Alexander and the boys.
Critic: And let me guess, he's the boys'—
[Text saying "Father" with picture of Darth Vader appears.]
Critic: —and the mother is—
[Text saying "Kaput" with picture of Bambi's mother appears.]
Critic: —and the great big fancy party is happening—
[Text saying "Tomorrow" with picture of Annie appears.]
Critic: —and the odds of any plot device being original in this movie is—
[Text saying "Zero" with picture of Zero appears.]
Critic: Could you just fax me the disappointment I'm going to receive?
- The Critic getting excited at the prospect of a character's dog actually dying—only to be incredibly disappointed when instead, it lands in a trashbin for another "messy" joke.
- The return of the Traumatic Childhood-Cure Monkey Plushie.
"...I'm going to Hell..."
- The Critic's disgust with the cliched "mistakes monkey for another human in their bed" joke, cracking that it's been around since the dawn of Man:
*A group of chattering apes cluster around a pillar*
Ape A: Hey guys, I totally think we should do a bit where a guy sleeps in bed with a monkey and he doesn't know it.
Ape B: I dunno, that sounds like it might get old fast.
Ape A: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! *clobbers B with a bone club* We're also gonna put babies in Super Bowl commercials! That will never get old!
Other Apes: Babies? Genius! Can we make them horribly lip-sync?
Ape A: YES...WE...CAN!!!!
- Playing a clip from The Critic that mocks "mistaking a monkey for a human" scenes during Faye Dunaway's massage.
- His reaction to the Paper-Thin Disguise:
- The Critic remarking that Rupert Everett's character is somehow more subtle than the Duke from Moulin Rouge!
Thomas and the Magic Railroad
- The Critic wonders why none of the trains' mouths move when they talk, and illustrates how even he, using cheap tools, can produce a more convincing special effect.
Critic!Thomas: Say, why is the town we live in called "Sodor"? Is it the retirement home for Lord of the Rings villains?
- "Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle!"
- "FUCK YEAH, SPARKLE SPARKLE, SPARKLE!!"
- The intro summarizing the film like a piece of Oscar Bait until he gets to Thomas the Tank Engine and wonders why Thomas is in a movie with Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin...until he's told it's the exact opposite.
"WHA--" *interrupted by title*
- The Critic's "Generic Song."
- His constant naming of the show as "Thomas the Fucking Tank Engine".
- A little version of Doug appears, offering to take the Critic to "Cordor", which turns out to be exactly like the real world except for a mask that can smell garlic chicken spring rolls.
- "(deadpan) This isn't really magical."
- The way the Critic looks into the camera and shakes his head afterward, like he's in a bad PSA.
- As Alec Baldwin appears in front of Stacy Jones, she just acts naturally, prompting the Critic to say:
Critic: Uh...heh heh. No, lady. The proper response is "AAAAHHHHH!!! DEMON!! DEMON!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
- His reaction to the first Alec Baldwin breakdown:
Critic: No, you need to try the anti-psychotics, honey...
- How he looks ready to cry at the thought of only existing as Alec Baldwin's delusion, the irony being that he is just someone's persona.
- The ending, with the "Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle!" guy ending up in the Critic's house and the two of them going offscreen all friendly.
- The Barney sequence:
Barney: "I love you, you love me...some shit's going down, be ready for it..."
- Freeze-framing on Alec Baldwin "accidentally" flipping off the camera to grab a pair of shears.
- After Baldwin lands safely on some bags, he tells the audience that they put those there. The Critic's reaction:
Critic: Am I Alec Baldwin's delusion? Is this all Alec Baldwin's delusion?
*Shows Death Star blowing up*Critic: You did that! You!*Shows Tony Montana getting killed*Critic: You did that! You!"Shows Edward saving Bella from an oncoming car"Critic: You did that! You! *beat* For shaaaame!
- The Critic then comments that the same thing could be done with any movie.
- His increasingly exasperated reaction to Peter Fonda's Wangst.
Fonda: No, you won't! Because the magic you refuse to believe in...will get the better of you!Critic: *pause* You know what? Go back to being depressed...I think I like you better that way.
- "IT'S THOMAS THE FUCKING TANK ENGINE!!!"
- That is, of course, until Fonda gets over his Wangst and proceeds to deliver a line to the film's villain in a ridiculously bad way:
- "Prepare to meet Amtrak! In Hell!"
- The Running Gag of the Critic wondering if trains have sperm and if they reproduce.
- "I mean, do trains have sperrrm??"
- When the bad guy threatens to dominate the town, the Critic (naturally) takes it sexually and has a small thinly-veiled whine about always being bottom.
- As Alec Baldwin has his mental breakdown, he says that "it's totally understandable, but not always acceptable". He then says to "look at how we reacted when Percy came in late". Cue the Critic editing Alec Baldwin's phone rant with his daughter with an image of the Conductor and Percy.
Critic: Don't piss off Mr Conductor.
- When Baldwin lets out a little scream near the end, the Critic remarks that he finally sobered-up and realized what movie he was in.
- The Critic imagining would it be like if Peter Fonda hosted a child's birthday party.
Critic!Peter Fonda: The pinata is dead and you killed him.
The Top 11 Nostalgia Critic F***-Ups Part 3
- Even though he admits that he did not know that hitting the aquarium glass does disturb and scare whales, the Critic still wonders why they didn't just put up a "Do Not Tap Glass You Little Idiots" sign.
- The Critic saying that he has nothing against floors after being accused of an anti-groundite
- The Ironic Echo of the Battlefield Earth freakout, first complaining about the film again and then screeching incomprehensibly about everyone being awful in chipmunk time. It culminates in Douchey having an Even Evil Has Standards moment, deciding not to make him not do fuck-up lists anymore and even closing the episode for him.
Critic: You know, it just hit me. Why don't you come on as a fact checker?Douchey: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Critic: Why not?Douchey: Because then I couldn't complain about it.
- Over the Channel Awesome logo, which normally plays the worst line of the reviewed movie, the Critic is still chipmunk-screaming about Battlefield Earth.
- This scene.
- The Critic confirming that Dr. Bitch Spasms is Killed Off for Real. He pauses after he mentions his name. Nothing happens, and then knows full well that the audience expected him to appear, but in reality, his corpse is still lying on the floor.
"...I should really do something about that corpse."
- After going over the screwup from Star Trek: Generations (Dr. Soran couldn't just fly into the Nexus with a ship), the Critic hints at screwups from the Star Trek: Insurrection review. He summons Linkara, who bluntly replies:
"There's a commentary. *link appears* Boom. Go listen to it. Sorry about some of the audio issues."
- The Critic and Douchey almost having a bonding moment...over incredibly unhealthy food.
- What, haven't you ever had sugar frosted burrito stuffed hot pockets?
- "People. I am here to make jokes. Calm the fuck down."
- On Bella: "I guess that means we can like her now, right?" *cue long, awkward silence*
- The Critic commenting on the kids chosen to be Richie's friends:
Critic: *deep voice* And God said unto Noah, "Bring me one of every stereotype, and you will have your crappy 90s movie," and Noah said—Spoony: *visibly annoyed* No!Critic: And God struck him down with lightning. The End.
Black Kid: Whoa, this ain't a house, it's a whole hood.Critic: cheerfully I'm the black one.Butler: Lunch is served.Fat Kid: excited/overjoyed Lunch?Critic: I'm the fat one, I have no identity besides food.
- Followed by the ending credits to The Silence of the Lambs set to the Diff'rent Strokes theme.
- "The token black kid, the token fat kid, the token cool kid, and the token girl...kid."
- The scene when the stereotypes visit Richie's home;
- The McDonald's product placement:
Critic: I believe that's bad screenwriting for "insert your plug here". *cue commercial break* NO GODDAMNI—
"Jell-O Puddin' Pop is the best kind of puddin' pop...Oh my goodness, a grenade. *BOOM!!!*
- When it returns, the Critic uses a grenade to stop a Bill Cosby jell-o puddin' pop commercial.
- "I. Drink. Your. Milkshake!!!"
- "MAI INVRETNIONS!!!"
- "Mayan Vengeance?"
- "Mighty Pensions?"
- "Ma's Infections??"
- "Marty's Steakhouse??"
- His comments on Culkin's deepening voice and how he sounds like a sped-up Sylvester Stallone.
- "Like a motherfucking boss, sir."
- "Don't you just love early CGI technology that tries to look hip, but instead gives you diarrhea of fear?"
- His spazz-out regarding the "NOT!" line.
- The Critic recuts the Moneyball trailer for if Billy Beane completely screwed up and failed.
Van Dough: Shit.Critic: There's your PG-rating, folks.
- His admitting that the line about where the Rich's keep their money ("In banks... where else?") was Actually Pretty Funny.
- Earlier, he'd been about to make fun of the exchange about the President of the US asking for a loan for dating the movie, before hesitating and realizing that said joke was actually kind of timeless.
- And his reaction when Richie is offered a seat by the Corrupt Corporate Executive... only to ignore it and sit down behind the desk instead.
Critic: Okay. I'm not gonna lie... that was pretty badass.
Jungle 2 Jungle
- The whole framing device, where the Critic is hosting a National Geographic special.
- The Running Gag of the pigeon woman's scream.
- Martin Short's Oscar moments.
- Placing the Disney logo over risque moments.
You laugh, but then you wonder if you're going to Hell for laughing.
- Comparing the jokes to unfunny episodes of Home Improvement.
"You totally forgot that existed, didn't you?"
- Then comparing them to the Geico Cavemen show.
- Even funnier when you do research and discover that the kid in this movie grew up to be in the Caveman show.
- The Critic throwing rocks at pets to see if the owners will respond with playful laughter, like in the movie. They do not; instead they throw knives.
- His PSA to writers to stop putting the word "angel" in screenplays and putting characters that are angels in movies, since those always seem to do poorly. Unless they're doing a parody of It's a Wonderful Life. His proof makes it surprisingly legit!
- His explanation for how a movie with a jungle boy connects to the Russian Mafia: The...
- Loyalty of the stock holders was at risk so they...
- Ask people around who have money, they all have...
- Zany solutions but one seemed...
- Investment worthy with...
- No backfires at all so they...
- Entered into a deal of business with them,
- Sneakily and...
- His call back to the "pot and pan" confusion in his recent F***-Ups video.
- "Pushy Bushy", and the sequence that follows regarding it.
- "The Russian Mafia is scared away by a spider." *beat* "I wish I was exaggerating that."
- The Critic calling Mimi-Siku "Poca-hunk-as" at one point.
Old vs. New: Red Dragon
- The Critic getting distracted by the old cereals when the father is talking to the son about being in a mental hospital in Manhunter, also serving as a nice Call Back to cereal being his Trademark Favorite Food.
- "Have Life and Grape Nuts EVER changed their logo!?"
- The Critic noticing Frankie Faison (who played recurring character Barney Matthews) also appeared in Manhunter as a cop, like he's in two different dimensions. Cue Doctor Who reference.
- The bit where he introduces the segment discussing the different versions of the Tooth Fairy...which then cuts to a poster of the Fox film starring Dwayne Johnson.
- "Man, wouldn't that have been a different film!"
- He ends his review by repeating Hannibal's famous line, and then we cut to him poshly ordering the food from a take-out.
Star Chaser: The Legend of Orin
- The Opening shtick for the review: in short, the Critic's still convinced Sage is The Devil.
Critic: You don't review things that are well...you are not well! (Later) Oh no, I've seen the stuff you review. You're not gonna make me review cops with grenades tied to their pubes or something!Sage: Critic, have a little more faith in me than that. If I showed you something from my...personal collection, it probably kill you. If you die, then I'd have nobody to play with. *Slasher Smile*
- It doesn't help that Sage is still wearing the cloak, too...
- There's also the fact that Night on Bald Mountain is playing during the Opening.
- "Oh hai, [Star Wars character being ripped-off]!"
Critic: Oh hi, Boba Fett!Sage: Nope.("Boba" takes off their helmet).Critic: Oh hi, Leia!
- (rubbing eyes) Son of a bitch, it is 3PO!
- Even better:
- Later on when Orin cuts a steel door with his sword, it cuts to Qui-Gon Jinn doing the same in The Phantom Menace. They almost question it but write it off as a coincidence.
- The stupid guards:
Orin: "Guard, I have something for you!"Critic!Guard: "Oh boy oh boy, I hope it is candy—" (gets stabbed) "That is not candy."
- The Sage telling the Critic that the company that distributed the movie to theaters also distributed The Garbage Pail Kids Movie... leading into the commercial break below.
- The Sage's creepy bit before the adverts, as he seems to get off on the Critic's wailing and getting out a bottle of baby cream... only to rub it on his arms, defensively saying he has crusty elbows.
- Describing the little blind boy's voice as someone imitating a whining voice... quickly followed by a Call Back to his Batman & Robin review.
- Noting the main villain's name is Zygon, with references to the Zygons and Miss Saigon.
- "I found it in a Cracker Jack box!"
- After Sage starts talking about fan theories:
Critic: Wait, wait, wait, wait...This movie has fans?Sage: Yeah. In fact, just recently it's been announced that plans are being made for a live-action remake.Critic: (beat) ...They did that; it was called STAR WARS!!
- The Critic's reactions to the robot probing scene.
Fembot: You wouldn't dare...Critic: He's not really going to...Sage: Oh, he's going to. See that face? That's a man who's about to plunder him some ass.
- To elaborate, the Han Solo-Ripoff has inexplicably stolen a fembot and is trying to reprogram it. The ship (C3PO) then tells him that the personality controls are in the "posterior".
- "Well, that seals it! We went from Star Wars to Star Whores in a matter of seconds!"
- "Oh, it just gets better and better. Give it a few more seconds, and we'll have a Cinema Snob review."
- To explain this joke a little better, the Han Solo-Ripoff, after giving the "ass-plundering" look, she begins to struggle and he simply takes a piece of tape and spreads it across her lips then continues with his work.
- "Oh, it just gets better and better. Give it a few more seconds, and we'll have a Cinema Snob review."
- The Critic's lackluster reaction to The Sage's review threat:
"It looks kinda stupid and silly, but not awful. No, I'm not afraid!""Oh, you will be..."
- The Sage's final review threat at the end of the video: the Transformers cartoon.
- Some weird robot creature crawls out of the swamp Orin found himself in. Cut to the Critic asking:
Critic: Sage, what's that?Sage: Hell if I know.Critic: It looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Geiger's nightmare.Sage: Nooooo, this looks like it crawled out of the asshole of H.R. Geiger's nightmare.*cut to the robo-monster with creepy music in the background*Sage: It's the eyes, isn't it?Critic: The eyes! What's up with the eyes?!
Raiders of the Story Arc: Transformers
- The Critic as Optimus Prime asking if they want to see more explosions/giant robots/racial stereotypes/hot women objectified at a convention. When he asks if anyone wants to see more Shia LaBeouf, only one person cheers.
"All right, all right, so there may be some hope for you yet."
- The Cinema Snob as Critic!Prime's agent, Jerry, and their conversation:
Critic!Prime: Christ, Jerry. Did you see the look on their faces when I mentioned the movie? All that misguided optimism; it's like telling a blind kid they're gonna pet a bunny when really, it's a porcupine.Jerry: Look, the product sells and you're still popular.Critic!Prime: So is Jersey Shore.Jerry: Your last film grossed $1,123,000,000 worldwide.Critic!Prime: But at what cost, Jerry? At what cost?Jerry: I told you: $1,123,000,000 worldwide. Now get some sleep, we've got some more auditions to get through. I'm gonna go do coke off a prostitute who's also doing coke in a hot tub.Critic!Prime: That's not physically possible.Jerry: I'll find a way.
- Bill Cosby as Jazz.
- On the subject of Starscream:
"You know, I'm aware of the phrase, 'Keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer.' Me personally, I'm a fan of, 'Keep your friends close, and kill the son of a bitch who's been betraying you every single chance he gets.' It is the Autobot way!"
Starscream: Starscream Cookies are more than meets the icing!Megatron: You're wrong, Starscream!Starscream: I'm always wrong!
- His theory on why Megatron still keeps Starscream around despite all that: he makes great cookies.
- He even turns it into a Running Gag!
- His theory on why Megatron still keeps Starscream around despite all that: he makes great cookies.
- His reaction to Megatron saying that Starscream has learned nothing when Starscream betrays him again.
"HE learned nothing!? If there was a book on how to learn nothing, YOUR picture would be on the back of it! I can't believe we lost Cybertron to these bozos!"
- On the classic transforming sound:
"Admit it, you could listen to that sound effect for hours. If you could choose the sound of your orgasm, it would be that sound and you know it."
- Cue the sound being edited into the "fake orgasm" scene from When Harry Met Sally.
- The list of unused Autobot names.
- "HIT HIM WITH A ROCK!!"
- Spike's new moniker of "Pussy-Pillow".
- And how he got it, trying to save Sparkplug from Rumble by punching him in the back. Rumble looks back for a full second before slapping Spike away like a fly.
- Soundwave wanting Character Depth. Which included an epic rant that clocked in at about a full two minutes.
Megatron: Soundwave, ready the army!Soundwave: No — I am tired of doing all the work and having no personality — I want a Story Arc — something that gives me depth — I want a romance — yes — a Romantic Comedy — perhaps a relationship with the toaster — the toaster can be stuck up and high class — I will be quirky and giving in to all sorts of antics — at first she doesn't like me — but then — she admires my silly charm — we get to know each other better — but then she discovers — I was keeping a secret the whole time — I try to explain I held this secret because I love her — but she is too emotional and filled with hate — so she decides to marry the snob — a real uptight guy with no funny lines — she is about to be wed at the altar — but then — I come stumbling in — after going through some sort of comedic chase — I plead myself to her — and at first — it looks like she's not buying it — but then — her eyes tear up — she turns around — gives me a hug — the snobby groom is angry — but then — my comedic sidekick comes in and punches him — the crowd cheers — I tell the toaster I love her — she says she loves me — we decide to get married but we do not show it on screen because two weddings would just be repetitive — so we end with kind of an open ending — something like we're driving a convertible into the sunset or something — this leaves it open for a sequel — I want to be played by Zac Efron — and Natalie Portman as the toaster — there is a bit of an age difference but I think she looks young enough she can pull it off — Disney has shown interest — Gary Marshall is attached to direct — it will be called Soundwaves of the Heart — it will be rated PG-13 for crude humor and adult situations — but nothing too bad — just enough to let the male demographic know that it's edgy and we'll have some gross out humor for them — and the female demographic will instantly be drawn to the toaster — they will be able to imagine themselves inserted into the role — it will be released in summer preferably over a holiday weekend — it will break records — win awards — it will be the Sleeper Hit of the year —Megatron: No!!Soundwave: Dammit —
- The parodying of the classic Ad Bumpers.
- Critic!Prime trying to hide from Jerry using his powers of disguise...by hiding under the bedcovers.
- The "unedited" dialogue between Megatron and Optimus during their duel atop the dam.
A Simple Wish
- The Critic's teeth shattering from child!Mara Wilson's cuteness. Funny to some, creepy to others.
- The Trying Too Hard Alert.
- "I was on SCTV! Really!"
- The Bubble Factory's meeting on whether they should sponsor this movie or Titanic.
"FUCKING BUBBLES!!!""And who is that guy?!"
- And apparently, the Build-A-Bear Workshop sponsored Terminator 2.
- "[Martin Short's character] looks like Doctor Who graduated from Hogwarts!"
- After calling out on the father's obviously dubbed-in singing voice (which sounds exactly like Dom De Luise), the Critic "sings" a duet between Charlotte Church and Josh Groban.
- "I gotta be half the cast of a Don Bluth movie in an hour!"
- "WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT??!!!"
- This was after an ultra-bizarre scene where Murray turns a homicidal hillbilly into a 50-foot tall rabbi (rather than "a little rabbit", as he was trying for).
- Repeated again with the "torture" scene involving Murray and Annabelle dancing.
- Especially the way it sounds like he's almost catatonic from pure shock, and can barely get the words out. And apparently Doug was so proud of that take that he used it twice.
- Also, this line during the dance scene:
- The Big Bad's out-of-left field line involving her mirror, and the Critic's take on it:
Gargamel: I will destroy the Smurfs with all my magic spells! Mwahahahahahahaha!! But say, did you know the guy who did the candle in Beauty and the Beast was also in Law & Order?*silence; Azrael simply stares at him*Gargamel: That's so weird!*more silence*Gargamel: Hwahahahahahahahaha!!!
- The Critic questioning what happened to the other fairy godmothers, after the Big Bad locked them in the basement after stealing their wands. He theorizes that they may have starved to death.
Critic: Good news, fairy godmothers, you're free— *cue image of skeletons in dresses* — *shouts in surprise and mimes shutting the doors, looking around awkwardly*
- "Oooooooh, I caused The Hunger Games to happen..."
- "But ya know I'm so quiirkyyyyy!!!"
- The ending, where Mara Wilson herself appears, calling the Critic out on holding child actors accountable for the movies they were in, no matter their age. When the Critic refuses to relent, Wilson—to the Critic's utter horror—begins showing embarrassing videos of the Critic's childhood, snarking at them all the while.
Critic: My God, how could you be so heartless?! How could you be so cruel??! UNHOLY SHE-DEMON!!!Mara: Well, so long, Critic. I'm sure now that the public has seen some of your brilliant choices as a child, they'll be just as accepting as you were of mine.Mara: *cackles evilly*
- "I like wearing women's clothing! It is fun!"
- Doubles as a Crowning Moment of Awesome for her. "DON'T FUCK WITH MARA WILSON", indeed.
- Crossing over into real life: when praised, Wilson admits that the above evil laughter is "not that different from her normal laugh."
- There's some Fridge Funny here: the Critic and Ask That Guy look alike, they've also been established to be related...which means Ask That Guy, proud The Casanova who has bragged that he's always been a sexy man-whore, looked like a horrifying nerd with acne and braces when he was thirteen too.
- "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!"
- The Critic mocking a bad CGI frog, claiming that Prince Naveen's sketches are more three-dimensional.
- "Jesus, bringing people back from two hundred years ago? There are so many rap battles that could evolve from this!"
- The Aliens make a "Frink noise" whenever they snatch someone.
- Later, the use of Homer's girly-scream when Ripley torches one of her deformed clones.
- His "fuck you" to the movie when it does a Bait and Switch of all that shameless lesbian teasing and end up with two unattractive guys "kissing" (i.e., just touching their lips together) instead.
- The Critic's reactions to the newborn hybrid alien and how the filmmakers designed it to make the audience feel sorry for it.
"I just wanna eat humanity and devouw bwains. Is dat a cwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime?"
"Aww, but I just want to play with the puppies...YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!""Mommy, why would you do this to me? I'LL EAT YOUR ASS IN HELL!!!!"
- Also, his reaction to how the film swings back and forth between "sympathetic" and "terrifying"
- "Could I say my line...any closer...to the camera?" *BANG!!* "Ow!"
- The Critic's comments on how Winona Ryder's character always looks like she's about to throw a temper tantrum.
- "Brad Dourif. No questions, dammit! No questions."
"You know, it's at moments like this where I realize the only reason we let Brad Dourif act is because we're afraid of what he'll do if he doesn't."
Critic: (after alien gets sprayed down) Hey, you were putting the moves on HIM!
- The Critic's reaction to the bizarre interaction between Dourif and the Alien.
- The reason that one Xenomorph didn't immediately kill the crew? He was distracted by an ad he saw earlier. *cut to commercial*
- "Alright buddy, there's two kinds of aliens on this ship: those who like the Nostalgia Critic's Transformer cartoon review, and those who don't like the Nostalgia Critic's Transformer cartoon review! Which are you, boy?"
Alien B: I just would've liked to have seen a more in-character—*starts getting torn apart*Alien B: The Brad Jones cameo was pointless.*gets torn some more*Alien B: The Optimus Prime bit got old!*gets torn one more time*Alien B: It just...wasn't...funny... *dies*
- The Critic's reaction to the people that were supposed to watch over the aliens running away.
- The Critic's skit when Ripley single-handedly yanks off a facehugger, despite it being shown in previous films that its borderline impossible.
Facehugger: (attaches itself to the Critic)Critic: (nonchalantly flicks it off) Annoying!
- "Not the mamma!"
- When the black guy dies:
Nostalgia Critic: Let us have a moment of silence for that black guy. [Takes off his hat and bows his head before switching to another character]Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: You know, I don't think that fall would've killed him—Nostalgia Critic: Nah, he's dead.Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: [Beat] There's no other aliens down there to get him—Nostalgia Critic: No no, he's dead.Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: [Beat] He could easily just swim out of there any chance he wanted—Nostalgia Critic: Why can't you just accept the INCREDIBLY RARE FACT that a black guy has died in a horror film?!Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: [Beat] Even all the facehuggers were destroyed—Nostalgia Critic: You racist?!Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: How does that even—?! [Gives up] Sure.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] If Cole could swim out, why the fuck couldn't the black guy?!Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: You racist?Nostalgia Critic: I don't think you know what that means.
- Later, during the "Bitch Later Folder" about Cole:
- The Critic's confusion over Purvis' sudden boost in energy as the Chestbuster starts to emerge.
Critic as John Hurt: Oh my God, I feel something about to burst out of my chest! Oh, that's strange; I have a sudden burst of energy. I want to jazzercise, let's do a little Tae Bo, HUP, it's kicking...!!*Chestburster kills him*Chestburster: Hello my baby, hello my honey!
Lone Starr and Barf: Check, please!
- The additional stinger.
- The Critic looking forward to Ridley Scott's return to the franchise, only for the screen to fill up with Scott's lesser works.
"Let me dream!"
- The Obligatory Dr. Horrible joke near the beginning: "I'm looking at you, Wormtongue!"
"Blood and guts...slimy too...shoulda stopped...at movie two..."
- When Gary Dourdan's character (the guy with dreads) shoots up at the ceiling, with the bullet ricocheting several times before penetrating one of the guards' helmets, the Critic edits the film so that the bullet bounces off the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza, the Moon, and Charlie Sheen's head.
- And later, his improbable aiming skills that would make "Basil from Baker Street blush".
- "She must be wearing her Air "Fuck You"s today."
- When the movie begins:
Bonasera: I believe in America...Critic: Oh, I'm sorry, I meant wacky Halloween party! Whoo hoo hoo!
- The Hypocritical Humor of him complaining that a ten year old boy wouldn't have a doll, when he as a thirty-year-old guy has a large quantity of stuffed animals. One of which we see later on in the review.
- Throwing confetti around and posing all pouty-like.
- Drunk on Milk Robin Williams. Who then proceeds to "spank the monkey" by literally spanking his giant monkey stuffed animal and crying about how they used to be friends.
- "Dude, you're being offered the choice of not going to school. Take advantage of it."
- The Critic correcting the movie on terms of cooties, saying that everyone should know they get extracted at age seven.
- Trying to improve the best friend's sappy "I want to be like Jack" report by splicing in the killing spree from the end of The Godfather.
- Bill Cosby. That is all.
Bill Cosby: This house is falling faster than my movie career.Robin Williams: Mine too. Hoho!
Critic: Oh, come on, he's had worse. He's worked for Jell-O.
- When Bill Cosby has to eat some bizarre mixture of mayo, gummy worms, and chocolate the boys make:
- Combining the Robin Williams' inspirational speech and playing it with the speeches from Patch Adams and Mrs. Doubtfire.
Robin Williams: I'm quirky, which is good. I fought things and I won. I'll be saying this in the next five movies I'm in. I'll apologize by doing more stand-up.
- Randy Newman writing a song about being sad.
"Sadness. It makes you feel bad. At least both your parents weren't eaten alive by a rhino! That'd be funny."
- Comparing Fran Drescher's voice to Christopher Walken swallowing a cat and a velociraptor's cry.
"Who's the ten year old in an adult's body again?"
- Plus, the ridiculous poofy dress she has on in her first scene.
- The Critic pointing out the ultra-cheery music in the scene where the kids ask Jack to come out and play, but finds it doesn't work since Jack is still crying and not getting better. He wonders if this works with other crying scenes...and plays it over the ending to Marley & Me.
- Realizing he may have gone too far with that joke, he includes a hotline to call if you felt "scarred for life" from it.
- Comparing Robin Williams' interpretation of a ten-year-old to a clip of Harry Potter at age 11 and the awkward stare-down that followed.
Snape: Mister Potter...Harry: YES!!!
- His utter horror that Francis Ford Coppola directed the movie, which he can't get over for the whole review, culminating in the laughably bad old man makeup for Robin Williams coming from the same guy who made Marlon Brando a very convincing old man.
- Then there's when he first finds out about it, after bitching about how he's running out of jokes about Robin Williams. "Hell-oooo, new target practice."
- As for the old-age makeup at the end, he notes that all it's missing is a "Gandalf beard".
- The entire bit involving the...interesting job Jack's father has.
- When one of the children at the treehouse is looking at a "dirty magazine", the Critic dubs in "Hey! Look at this one! Four whores on a carrot!"
- The Critic's line after the advertisement break can be hilarious depending on the last ad played.
"Yeah, that last ad was a little slutty..."
- "Things are looking up, when he discovers his teacher is Jennifer Lopez. Actually, I imagine a lot of things would be going up as soon as he discovered that."
- The use of "Finale/Reprise" from The Nightmare Before Christmas as Jack re-enters the classroom and everyone excitedly chatters about Jack.
Chorus: Jack's OK, and he's back, OK!
- "I’ve learned that this is the best choice that Francis Ford Coppola has ever made since he said, “Hey! You know what my Dracula movie is missing? One of the guys FROM BILL AND FUCKING TED!!"
- The Critic's schedule for the day including getting a manicure, threatening a micronation in Wyoming, and having his eyebrows waxed with Todd in the Shadows.
- The Critic's inital response to seeing Diamanda Hagan.
"Anyway, if it's one of the women on the site, I'm sure that I'm in for a nice-looking piece of— *sees Diamanda* F-F-F-FUCK!!! Good God, oh sweet Jesus, don't hurt me!!""Please, Mr. Joker, I'll do whatever you want! Just don't harm me!""Oh my God, we're hiring people like you now??! You look like The Crow if he was in Candyland!""You look like what I saw when I said 'Bloody Mary' three times!"
- His complaining over having one-night-stands with women and them leaving him on his own right after the sex.
- His impression of the Loc-Nar's rambling storytelling:
"Do you want snacks? This next one can get a little lengthy. There's not any naked women in it, but my guess is you're not into that anyway. *beat* I am. A lot!"
"If I could, I would even throw a commercial interuption in the middle of these stori-" (Screen is briefly in black, and if you're watching it on blip, there really is a commerical break) "Well, that was lucky."
- How about before that with this:
- The Critic's denial that he has a crush on JesuOtaku.
- John Candy of Gor!
*pulls her eye out; girl screams*Critic!John Candy of Gor: Hey, you're lucky I didn't like your breasts.
- When the girl Den rescues says she will give him any part of her he desires:
Bad Guy: Come!Diamanda: I was about to, you damn furry!
- Later, whilst having sex, the bad guys appear.
- The Critic getting fed up with the Loc Nar's lectures and calling it a "horny little green ball, who rambles a tad."
Critic: So, really every woman in this movie is like a game of Perfection. If something can fit in the slot, you just put it in there.
- The Critic describing how none of the women in the movie act like real people
- The bit where the Enterprise makes a short cameo.
Critic: waitaminute...Was that the fucking Enterprise? It is! It's the fucking Enterprise! What the hell is the Enterprise doing in the '40s? Or present day, or whenever the fuck that futuristic trial was supposed to happen!?Critic as Captain Kirk: Sppppoooooockkkk, have you ever wondered if you can....smoke a tribble?
- She-Man and the Big Tittied Mistress of Killing Shit.
- The melting counter.
- When no people have been melted for a while, the Critic is ecstatic when a whole town of people are engulfed in green lava, causing the counter to jump to 1,313...until it turns out they didn't melt, making a hilarious frown as the counter drops back to 4.
- After the monsters emerge from the green lava:
Critic!Monster: Now, let's go get chicken.Hagan!Monster: I'm a vegetarian.Critic!Monster: Kill him!*lasers fire*
- "It's a car in space! The question is invalid!"
- Even better is Diamanda's reaction to the car in space: a slow, drawn-out, silent, "What... the... fuck...?" with the most hilarious expression on her face.
- Diamanda's references to incredibly obscure sleazy movies, none of which the Critic even acknowledges.
- When the Loc-Nar falls from space towards the WWII bombers.
Hagan: It's John Carter returning from Mars!Critic: You saw that?Hagan: Someone had to!
- Made funnier in that OOC, Doug was one of the few that actually did see John Carter.
- Diamanda pointing out how the planet in the Dar segment seems to be a bit racist, with humans leading over beastmen or aliens:
Diamanda: ...and the crab people I rule over with an iron fist agree.
- "Where did they go?"
- When Diamanda comes back from being clobbered after killing a girl's father and trying to sleep with her, the Critic reassures her that they live in a bizarre world.
- Not to mention, the Critic's reaction when Diamanda gets up & leaves to do that is a dumbfounded "You go outside?"
- This exchange after seeing a Mad Scientist:
- Also before that with the politician walking and ignoring the news reporters
Hagan: I don't have time to answer your questions. I have walking to do!
- Taarna's introduction
Critic: So how long before she gets nake- (she does) I guess that was a stupid question!
- The irony of Dr. Anrak's assurance that there are no aliens... just when aliens arrive.
Hagan: And I'm currently wondering what they would've done in most obvious situations in history.''(A shot of the Titanic sinking, the Birdie Dance playing in the background, with a superimposed picture of Dr. Anrak saying. "Clearly this was caused by werewolves.")
- When the Critic reminds us that he's not a fan of The Flintstones, he dodges a giant safe falling on his head. When he says he's not a fan of Mr. Magoo either, he gets a tiny safe that doesn't even faze him.
- The Critic commenting on the inexplicable Vocal Dissonance between the animated Magoo in the credit sequence and Leslie Nielsen.
- "Wow, the first second—literally the first second of this film annoys me. Nah, there's only 5,492 to go!"
- Calling a woman's hat a halfway iris-out.
- Ernie Hudson blows up Stephen Toblowsky's head with a proton pack.
- And before that, the Critic's outraged reaction at Toblowsky 'hn'-ing Hudson.
- When the female thief tricks Magoo into kissing a fish, he wonders if the fish's family is happy knowing where his body went.
Female Fish: Well? Did you see what they did with Howard's body?Male Fish: *resigned* Yes. Yes, I did.Female Fish: Please tell me the he's at least being used to feed a poor, starving family.Male Fish: No, he's... *deep breath* He's being used for a live-action version of Mr. Magoo.Female Fish: *in anguish* NOOOOOOO-O-O-O-O!!! Warner Brothers or Disney?Male Fish: *whispers* Disney.Female Fish: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Female Chicken Did you find Daniel's body?Male Chicken: Yes.Female Chicken So, are they putting him to good use?Male Chicken: Well, you see, Disney—Female Chicken: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
- Later, when Magoo tries to cook a chicken via TV instructions, he wonders the same question:
- In that same scene, Magoo is trying his best to rip off the Mr. Bean cooking scene as he cooks a roast chicken. Then the dog hits the remote, which changes the cooking show to a workout program. Magoo proceeds to give the chicken a workout. The Critic asks, "Yeah! How long until he switches to the porno channel?"
Cooking Show Host: Next, I want you to-*channel changes*Porn Star: ...put your big long cock inside me.
- The two federal agents play what the Critic calls a castrated version of I Spy. At one point, Anders tells Stupak to look to his left. Stupak turns left and finds himself facing a mirror, then looks back up at Anders.
Critic: Oh snap! You just got Hud!! [cut back to the scene with a shredding guitar and the text "You've just Been Hud" appearing on the bottom of the screen next to a picture of Ernie Hudson's head]
- Bob, the male thief, goes after Magoo, fails to get past Magoo's Loki horns when trying to garrote him, and gets knocked out with a hammer, accidentally turning on a giant fan. The Critic shouts over the resulting noise, "YEAH!! BECAUSE IF THERE'S ANYTHING EVERY OPERA PERFORMANCE NEEDS WITH THE SENSITIVITY OF THE SINGERS' VOICES, IT'S A GIANT, LOUD, HARD TO CONTROL WIND MACHINE!! WHY DON'T ALL OPERA HOUSES HAVE THIS?!"
- The Critic calling the thieves "a children's stage play version of Catwoman and Bane."
- When the movie cops says the female thief kills all her male accomplices and nobody has been able to finger (identify) her, the Critic responds "What a shame. They die before they can finger her?", leading into a David Letterman cutaway to commercial.
- After the commercial, he still continues to pretend he's David Letterman until, "What the fuck am I doing? Back to the movie!!"
- The Critic's reactions to the eggplant truck, including taking a shot of alcohol to do a Spit Take, a Big "WHAT?!" and, "Yeah, a giant eggplant! No, you didn't smoke anything, because that would mean that I would have smoked it, too!"
- Luanne claims to Magoo and Waldo that the diamond is going to be auctioned off at a crime meeting of billionaire gangsters, and someone needs impersonate the most powerful of them.
Waldo: But who?Critic: Oh gee, why not the blind man who time and time again has proven he's a constant threat to anything and anyone he comes across? Yeah, I'm down with this.
- In the subsequent meeting with the other crime bosses, Magoo tells the others "That's right, I never go anywhere, so when I go somewhere, everyone thinks I'm nowhere when I'm really there."
Critic: So, they're under the impression that mobster billionaires are bad Guido Sarducci impersonators? [replays the scenes with Magoo talking, only with Leslie Nielsen audio dubbed over with Don Novello dialogue]Magoo!!Guido Sarducci: To be made a saint into the Catholic Church, you have to have the four miracles. I understand two of them was a card tricks.
- Mr. Magoo's hastily scribbled chest tattoo is rendered almost illegible by the change in screen resolution, forcing the Critic to stare very hard to get a close look. He's not happy about it.
- When Luanne is making off with the ruby:
Critic: Oh good, the nephew will stop her!Critic: ...Good job there.
- When one of the villains is frozen and told to "freeze" by a cop, the Critic pulls out a set of memes: "OF COURSE!!!" and "A-CHUCK NORRRRRRRRRRIS!!!" before pulling out the correct one: "I was FROZEN today!!!"
- "Did John McCain just bust my wedding??"
- And later, the major disappointment at the weak payoff of Leslie Nielsen in a wedding dress going over the Falls.
- When the Critic sees that Malcolm McDowell is in the movie:
Critic: And now we take a look at just who's running this so'op—Malcolm McDowell! God, I've seen this guy in so many of my reviews I should just have a warm glass from the Korova Milk Bar waiting for him.
- Due to the place where the circle wipe that transitions from that scene to the gangsters undressing in the locker room begins, the Critic's reaction is, "Daah! Apparently there was another scene in that woman's ass! Hey, if someone told me the rest of this movie came out of someone's behind, I'd believe it."
- The ending skit, where the Critic declares that he's going to beat up a blind man. It turns out that the blind man is Magoo, and—as the Critic finds out the hard way—is actually a complete psychopath who only pretends to be blind so he can park in a handicapped space.
- Critic notes that Jennifer Garner's character Stacy Sampanahoditra, with her vague accent, weird hair, and Chinese crackerjack sailor suit, is the Kwisatz Haderach of stereotypes.
Top 11 Simpsons Episodes
- The beginning of the review, where he comments that if The Simpsons was still on, it would be great, but immediately complains on why the show is still on when he learns there are 23 seasons.
- "So let's head back to Springfield... Illakachussetts."
- The Greater Good.
- "...and is dumb as, well, Homer Simpson."
- His nitpick with 22 Short Films About Springfield, about how it randomly cuts to the commercials instead of working it into the script. Cue commercial break!
- The Elephant in the Room, hinting to a certain other Simpsons-related piece the Critic did, and the ensuing argument that plays over the end credits.
Critic: You know what? You're a god-damned elephant!!
- "You don't know any better." During which the Critic nonchalantly takes the DVD and shoots it.
- When we first see the alien hand trying to get under the door, the Critic remarks that they need a good manicurist.
- "Oh my God, he's being invaded by Kermit the Frog!"
"I understand you haven't subscribed to the Muppet YouTube channel yet. Don't make me shove "The Rainbow Connection" up your ass!""It's not easy being dead."
- The aliens' "conversation" while attempting to invade Gibson's house.
"DUN-KO!"note"FAGH-NIS-CLAE!!"note"Tooka, zeh e masa mada enda anus!"note"DUGO, NISANELLA!!"note"USISUNA!"note *window crashes* "ISANE!!"note
- Everything involving them, really. From them attempting to barge in on a scene despite their main weakness to the ending, where the Critic beats the crap out of them with a two-by-four.
- When Gibson and his brother are in the house after hearing the first alien in the roof, they plan on acting crazy. Gibson asks his brother to "explain that crazy". Cue Gibson's phone rant.
Gibson: YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING SMIIIIILE!! *pant pant* AND BLOW ME!!
"Alien report: stepped on roof and swung on swing. Very confusing mission: accomplished. Will now go to Arkansas to put toast in toaster and slide down slide".
- The alien's report to his superiors:
- "It's like it was meant to be."
- The insanely over-the-top introduction of Shyamalan's character, complete with a heavenly lens flare and scored with Ennio Morricone's theme from The Mission.
- The Critic's complaining about the aliens' lack of tactical knowledge after realizing that their weak points were wood, water and getting beaten up, and that they "probably should have thought that through before attacking a planet MOSTLY COVERED IN WATER!!".
Critic: Hell, YOU JUST SAID YOUR TWIST IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE MOVIE; I DON'T KNOW IF THAT EVEN MAKES IT A TWIST!!!
- "AAH!! I'm melting, I'm melting!! What a world, what a world!!"
- What he says near the end is also hilarious, when he points how Shyamalan's character says earlier in the film that the aliens don't like water, and it turns out they indeed don't like water.
Critic: Err...okay, let's try this conversation again; you start with: "HOLY SHIT, I GOT AN ALIEN IN MY HOUSE!! CALL THE COPS, CALL THE FBI!! CALL THE NEWS, THE WORLD DESERVES TO KNOW!!!". Theeen you move on to: "oh, by the way, I'm sorry I hit your wife like I was playing a game of Crazy Taxi."
- Prior to that, when he criticizes Shyamalan's character for rambling about his wife's death, he plays over a lot of weird noises over Gibson's expressions. Then Shyamalan's character says that he found one alien and locked him in the pantry, prompting the Critic to say:
- The post-credits blooper at the end of the video, when the camera is accidentally jolted.
- The Critic's disturbed reaction to the General perpetually not closing his mouth.
- "Can we get the camera off this guy ?! He's weirding me out ! I think he's the alien in this movie !"
- His impression of the female officer, explaining "Tarantinoing" (which has characters engage in a Seinfeldian Conversation, which was at first used as an off-beat way to create Character Development, but is now used for screenwriters to shove their writing style down the throats of the audience, rather than actually serve the plot in any fashion whatsoever). Later, his comments on the officer when she tries to suggest that the alien could actually be a woman who can run and jump like a female Scandinavian Olympic athlete.
Critic: Okay, we're sexist dicks who don't watch the Olympics. Will you arrest something?!
- "These... holy fuck-shit fuck aliens... stopped - come to a halt! - by a fucking... pan...try... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRR!!!!!"
Critic: You see what you did there, movie?! You see what you did??! You just made Charlie Sheen right about something!!!
- Not to mention the build up to that, wherein he hops around in a circle, chewing his hat, and somehow managing to turn his face purple.
- Said build-up also includes a clip from Scary Movie 3, where Charlie Sheen's character hangs a lampshade on the point the Critic is making: the aliens can travel through space, but they can't get through a wooden door.
- And then he faints like a stereotypical maiden.
- The Critic's reaction to when everyone screams after seeing the generic-looking alien for the first time.
Critic: AAHHH!!! Oh my god, it looks exactly like every other alien we've ever seen!!
- The quirky sound effect whenever a panoramic shot occurs.
- The Critic's Take That at God for killing Gibson's wife. In the end he sums up that "nothing has changed at all...Oh, except there's a dead wife in the mix."
- "GOD'S FUCKED UP!! HE PLANS AHEAD ABOUT AS MUCH AS THESE DUMBASS ALIENS DO! *beat* OR—let's be honest here—M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN DOES!!!"
- The last joke, when the Critic's closing Catch Phrase gets interrupted by the sound of aliens trying to bust in. Cue the Critic getting a wood stick and proceeding to beat the crap out of them off camera.
Critic: (While grabbing a wood stick) Excuse me, I have aliens at my door.(Sound of the critic opening the door)Aliens: WOOD!(Sound of the aliens having their asses handed to them)Alien 2: We REALLY suck at this.
Digimon: The Movie
- The review opens up to the Critic looking at multiple requests for him to do Digimon. He is clearly not happy to see them.
- The fact that he has a special folder for "Digimon Requests" separate from the rest of his fan mail speaks for itself.
- He points out one email that repeats verbatim what he sarcastically describes just seconds before.
- It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, but when the list of emails is shown, the subject of one of them is "I had your baby...and review Digimon!"
- He seeks aid from JesuOtaku via the JO signal... only to realize there are no clouds in the sky.
Angry Joe: Are we invading another micro-nation?
- He waits until the next day...only to realize it's still daytime. He angrily throws the remote on the floor.
- He waits until that night, and uses the bandaged remote to successfully project the signal... leading to an unexpected Angry Joe cameo, as he mistook it for his own name.
Critic: You see that incredibly expensive spotlight being pointed in the sky?JO: Uh, yeah, I thought that was for Angry Joe, actually.
- When he simply phones JO, he's clearly annoyed that this much effort has completely fallen flat.
- And the JO signal makes a comeback when JO uses it at the end to vent her frustrations about the movie. But the "JO" is replaced with an expression Tai pulls that the Critic was disturbed by earlier on.
- He waits until the next day...only to realize it's still daytime. He angrily throws the remote on the floor.
- We first see JO lovingly brushing a Kyubey plushie's ears while promising that they will rule the world together one day.
- The Critic thinks he's off the hook when JO says that he can't properly review the show without being an involved fan who grew up with it, only to have his hopes crushed (as usual) when she brings up The Movie.
- "Asshat." "Woman-child!"
- JO squees at Seraphimon's appearance, much to the Critic's confusion.
JO: I'm sorry...I squeed.
- This exchange:
JO: Seraphimon, carry me away in your big man-angel arms! I wanna huuuug yoooooouuuuu...!
Critic: ...You need Digi-medication.
- The Critic cuts to a commercial to let JO finish her weeping over a sunken character ship (Tai/Sora, sunk by the Distant Finale of Digimon Adventure 02). When they come back, he asks her why her mascara is dripping when she doesn't even wear mascara. She's just as confused as he is.
Critic: Is this what Digimon does to people?
- And how the ship sunk is never explained, leaving anyone who hasn't seen the show just as much in the dark as the Critic.
- Worst Thing Imaginable Approaching
JO: (wearing a pillow and strainer as armor) Too late!
(the opening credits start with DigiRap playing; the Critic is startled)
DigiRap: The Digivolution is up and running! Digi See! Digi Hear, Digi Know it was coming?
Critic: What the country-fried Christ crackers?
Is that a... DigiRap?
JO: (still hiding behind the pillow) Don't look or listen to it, your brain'll fall out!
DigigiRap: With DigiWill and Digivice in hand, there's a DigiDynamic force in DigiLand!
(NC is quite stunned, head tilted to the side as his brain proceeds to fall out of his head like JO warned him)
- Replacing the DigiRap with Pig Power in the House, complete with the Critic giving a high-pitched "OH YEAH!!" and doing a goofy dance to the tune.
- Late 90's Music Bingo.
"Less Than Jake!"
- The Critic expressing confusion over Koromon ("tiny bunny rabbit") evolving into... a giant Agumon (human-sized dinosaur). Cue Charles Darwin replying, "Uh...no."
Critic: So it's a Tamagotchi?JO: Yeah, a Tamagotchi that kicks ASS!
- When JO explains the Digivolution process:
- The frequent jabs at the film's tendency for bad jokes:
JO: And that's why this movie sucks.
- The Critic's jab at the Digivolution "narration" (actually the Digimon themselves announcing their new forms):
- On a sequence that tries to be exciting when the characters are just looking at their computer screens:
Critic: Come on, is there anything more wasteful or useless than just looking at your computer screen for almost half an hour? *Both he and JO fall into awkward silence.*
- ...Which is broken by a poop joke that took place earlier, to which the two laugh idiotically, as if desperately blocking out what was just said.
- On Gargomon and his fight with Antylamon:
"There's rabbit with machine guns for hands. How do you make that boring? How?!
- Doubles as Hilarious in Hindsight for the Critic and other people who haven't seen Digimon Tamers, where they seemingly took that complaint and erased it.
- Not to mention the Critic labeling Terriermon, Wendigomon, Poromon, Seraphimon and Magnadramon (respectively) as "the American Rabbit", the "Muppet minstrel show, "an Angry Bird, "a Burger King Kids Club' chess piece" and a "My Little Pony version of Falkor".
- The Critic and JO having fun with Izzy's Catchphrase "Prodigious!"
Critic: *laughs* Wow. Prodigious! A hippie in a Prius!JO: Prodigious! Ben Kingsley in a bad movie!Critic: Prodigious! A thing that would very obviously be in another thing!JO: Prodigious! A balding internet reviewer who screams a lot!Critic: Prodigious! An anime fan who obviously takes herself way too seriously!
- "Now that's what I call a dead parrot."
- The Critic noting that Koromon facehugging Kari and Tai isn't something to be happy about. Cue the chestburster scene from Alien, with DemiVeemon taking the place of the Alien pupa.
- The Critic and JO noting the neck-breaking pace of the movie, and wondering what would happen if Harry Potter got this treatment. Cue a speed-through summary of the Harry Potter ending, with the Critic remarking that it would actually be an improvement.
Critic: Harry Potter had a family, but he didn't like them, but it's okay because he's going to a school where others like him, and there's magic, and he's magic too. But there's a bad teacher who it turns out isn't bad, but then it turns out he is bad, but then it turns out that he isn't bad, maybe.JO: There's also a bunch of bad kids and a bad guy with no nose and they're really evil, except for they might be good, except for one student who might be good, and there's also a teacher who might be good, might be evil, not entirely sure, and they all lived in three books pointlessly stretched out to seven, ever after.
- When a large number of Digimon are named:
JO: (in a very quiet voice) I never said I wasn't.
- JO responds by pointing out that Dairy Queen was the restaurant that made toys for the Digimon franchise. The Critic asks her how she could know that without being deeply ashamed. JO's response?
- JO revealing the true reason they dubbed the movie:
- JO's jab at the blatant Product Placement:
Kari: I got my friend a pink Power Ranger!JO: Guess what show the company who dubbed this also owned?*JO just stares at him blankly*
- Their comment on the Angela Anaconda short:
Critic: (doing his best impression of Sergeant Hartman) WHAT the FUCK is that?! God, these Digimon are even more hideous than I imagined!Critic: It's like an extreme night terror if you passed out drinking moonshine while watching Terry Gilliam cartoons!SpongeBob: Boy, Shyamalan needs to throw in the towel.Sandy: I thought there were blue cats in this.
- It even doubles as a Call Back—JO was one of the reviewers in the TGWTG The Last Airbender crossover review.
- Their constant mocking of the film's Continuity Lockout problems despite the notion it was supposed to be accessible to newcomers.
Top 11 F*** YEAH Movie Themes
- "Music! MUSIC!! MUSIC!!! MEEEEEEEUSIC...!!!!"
- While talking about how music can help carry a scene, he plays the Lollipop Guild song with a scene from Shaft.
- How he can't keep up the macho gritted-teeth "fuck yeah" posturing for long.
- He praises the various renditions of the Mission: Impossible theme from the movies, including the electric guitar rendition for the second film, and then remembers that it's a Limp Bizkit song and fast-forwards past the verse.
- His reason for making the themes to Indiana Jones and Superman a tie? A game he used to play in high school.
Nostalgia Critic: Sing Indiana Jones.Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: *does so*Nostalgia Critic: Now, sing Superman.Nostalgia Critic/Other Guy: *starts to sing Indiana Jones but realizes it's the same in the first few bars* ...Superman.
- "That's right, Indy! Get that Nazi who looks like that Nazi from Blues Brothers! I think they're brothers."
- The Trauma Monkey Plushie appears yet again, with the Critic sleeping with it, and then accidentally beating the crap out of the thing when the Mortal Kombat theme song starts up.
Nostalgia Critic: (With clear disgust) "Christian squirts baby oil into his hand, and rubs my behind with careful tenderness?"MORRR-TAL KOM-BAAAAT!!!Nostalgia Critic: ...From makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass! Who'd have thought it was such a versatile liquid?! AAAAAAHHH!!!
- The Critic's utter disgust when he's reading Fifty Shades Of Gray...which swiftly turns into excitement the moment the theme plays.
- "MORRRR-TAL COMMER-CIAAAALS!!! ...Wait! Damn cue cards—!" *Commercial break*
- Later, after the plushie forgives the Critic for clobbering him, the Critic celebrates, with the Back to the Future theme playing...only for it to change to the Mortal Kombat theme. The plushie gets beat up again.
- "I'll shoot off faster than I...shoot off!"
- "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and you're welcome for the most awesome playlist that has ever existed."
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
- Brentalfloss and Uncle Yo pulling a Weekend at Bernie's at the Critic's panel, with Brent "apologizing" for the Critic's crotch-shot in Suburban Knights. Also proves Hilarious in Hindsight for the ending.
"Nostalgia Critic": Does that answer your question?Fan: ...No...Brentalfloss / Uncle Yo: *Both pop out from behind the Critic* Tough!
- The Critic's smugness at managing to pull off twenty minutes of pretending to be comatose.
- Three—eventually six—men sharing a king-sized bed and reading from Fifty Shades of Grey. While doing impressions of Mickey Mouse, Droopy Dog, Liam Neeson, The Monarch, Dr. Zoidberg and Nicolas Cage.
- After they...exhaust...themselves maniacally laughing over it, they eventually decide to all jerk off in the bathroom together, dragging Uncle Yo in with them.
- "I'm the only one here who's black!"
- Special mention to the fact that everyone - sans Brentalfloss and Uncle Yo - actually did read Fifty Shades of Grey in varying voices while at Connecti Con.
- Brentalfloss and Uncle Yo, excited that the Critic can understand what they're saying, have a celebration:
Uncle Yo: Do you know what this calls for?Brentalfloss: What's that?Uncle Yo: More Fifty Shades of Grey!Brentalfloss: Alright!*They flip through the book*Brentalfloss: Done that, done that, done that, wanna do that.
- "While these two horny bastards read their Twilight porn..."
- Which film clip is used to reveal the massive twist?
- And then he says that the twist of Jon Voight being Kahuna's brother is... Actually Pretty Good . It didn't have so much Foreshadowing that It Was His Sled, yet had just enough Foreshadowing (i.e. a Flash Back showing Kahuna's brother being envious of him as a teenager) that it wasn't a complete Ass Pull. As far as The Twist goes, this example was done pretty well, and is completely logical... that is, for Baby Geniuses 2 standards.
- After describing Kahuna's headquarters as "Willy Wonka's Batcave":
"There is no life I know, to compare with BATMAN!!"
- "It’s okay, I just murdered an innocent child. I have money and an accent, so that’s fine."
- The Critic making a sly Take That at 4Kids when Jon Voight unveils plans for a children's TV network.
- "Donald Duck was a better Nazi than you!"
- "You can do it! Unless you have to climb stairs; in which case, you cannot."
- From the opening scene of Kahuna rescuing children from a Berlin prison camp:
- "Well, I've always said relationships are more shallow the closer you get to Hollywood." *badum-chh* "Hey, c'mon, it's better than half the jokes they're putting out."
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
- The Critic seeing Team 80s Dan still frozen in motion after the commercial break, and attempting to do it himself in the credits.
"80s Dan is filmed in front of a live Thuggee sacrifice!"
- Team 80s Dan's reaction to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:
‘80s Dan: Horrendous!Dolly: Poppy shit.‘80s Dan: It's horrendous poppy shit.Mr. Crabtree: Anus bubble.Mrs. Crabtree: Cancer sore.Mr. Crabtree: Vomit dick.Dolly: Douche sucker.‘80s Dan: Turd!R.O.B. the Robot: Well, I, for one, loved it.Mr. Crabtree: Shut up, Rob.R.O.B. the Robot: You’re a dick!(canned studio laughter)
- His barrage of disbelieving "no, no, NO, NO!" during the raft scene.
- His fanboy boner over Marion exploding Willie's head.
- The head of The Nostalgia Chick's puppy is edited in as Kali's replacement.
- The 80's Dan crew tries to convince the Critic that "Creepy Weird Skull Hat Guy" is a memorable villain. He asks for his name, and is told matter-of-factly, "Creepy Weird Skull Hat Guy".
- The outtake at the end has Brad break character and tell him "It's Mola Ram, you asshole".
- Comparing Mola Ram to The Master.
- The constant ribbing about the name "Willie".
- Knowing he should be offended at the scene where Willie faints when she sees the monkey brains, but loving Indian food too much to care.
- Adding Donkey Kong Country music to the mine cart scene.
- He interprets the sacrifice as how FOX News fires journalists.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say Obama had a point!""I won't tell Glen (sic) Beck to stop crying again!""I swear I thought "Fair and Balanced" really WAS a joke!"
- Plus, his terrified facial expressions throughout.
- During the bridge scene, the Critic cuts to The Cinema Snob's attempt in Suburban Knights.
Critic: Hehehe, I couldn't resist.
- "Midichlorians is a great idea!"
- When the villain escapes from a trapdoor:
- Critic!Mola Ram: Until next time, Batman! HOO HOO HOO!
- The Critic mentions that one of Indy's maneuvers involved balloons. It then cuts to the library scene from Stephen King's IT and ends on Tim Curry's laughter.
"Try 'em!""Wa-HA! Wa-HA! Wa-HA!"
- The Hypocritical Humor of Mrs. Crabtree calling out the Critic for picking on a child actor (Short Round), then agreeing with Dolly that Jake Lloyd was shit.
"Is there anything more annoying than someone that just screams every other line they say? I MEAN, THAT’S REALLY OBNOXIOUS!!!"
- More Hypocritical Humor from the Critic regarding Short Round:
- "SHUUUT UUUUUUUUUP!!! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!"
- The children mining for magic stones.
- The Critic showing how horrible he thinks Willie is by using a clip from Batman & Robin, and saying that the movie forced him to do it.
- The Critic being so annoyed by Willie that he actually moves her up on his "Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress" List.
- During the final fight of the movie, Indy actually makes the bad guy hit himself:
Critic!Indy: *In a mocking tone* Stop sacrificing yourself to Kali~! Stop sacrificing yourself to Kali~!
- The "Indian Doc Brown", as the Critic calls him, is happy to see Willie leave on an elephant, while she keeps whining about needing to contact her agent, because the village no longer has to put up with her anymore.
Indian Doc Brown: Thank you for sending the annoying white woman away. We shall celebrate by watching Rob Schneider movies.
- The Critic thinking about how the fight choreography between Indy and one Thugee guard resembles a Goofy cartoon at times. During this fight, cartoon sound effects are heard.
- As the Thugee guard gets crushed by the rock crusher at the end of the conveyor belt, he lets loose with the Goofy holler.
- The Critic thinking Todd in the Shadows is going to rape him, and trying to knock him out with an utterly pathetic punch. He misses completely and falls on the floor.
- Even better, when he finds out that it's just Todd and not some scary guy there to hurt him, he sounds disappointed. And then proceeds to have a sulky expression for at least half of the review.
- The note from Chester A. Bum reminding him about the crossover:
"Dear Nostalgia McCritic, do not forget your appointment with Batman."
- The Critic denying that he does crossovers, in the face of the evidence of the past two months, and being interrupted by a random Paw Dugan.
- All that the Critic seems to remember about Todd is that he reviewed Glitter, when really, sane people would recall things like going to eyebrow waxings together, a certain stalker Todd has, or saving the world from an Evil Luddite.
- In reaction to the opening song being completely opposite in tone to Somewhere Over The Rainbow, the Critic compares it to Beauty and the Beast, where instead of Be Our Guest they sang "GET DE FUCK OUT!" *SLAM*
- "Remember, there's no place like home...unless you're twenty-four and you have a job; in which case, move out, you fucking freeloader!"
- "TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENYYYYYY, TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENYYYYY...!"
- At the final musical number (Diana Ross singing and staring at the audience with a black background), the Critic says it's worse than Diahann Carroll's performance in The Star Wars Holiday Special. He then lampshades that this movie somehow brought out two references to the special.
- Their glee at the poppy-field scene being turned into a place with hookers.
"Oh, I'll get you my pretty.""There's no place like hoes.""Hookers, hotties and babes, oh my!"
- When the Critic thinks that he can finally relax, Linkara shows up to review the Swamp Thing movie. He promptly gets punched in the head.
Critic: Maybe now, I can get some rest and relax-friggin'-ation...Linkara: *walks on-screen, sits next to the Critic* Hello everybody, and welcome to yet another Linkara and Nostalgia Critic crossover, where we talk about the Swamp Thing movie!*POW!!!*
- "A close-up, ya jerk! A CLOSE-UP!!"
- Also, Todd suggests doing the review in the corner, facing away from the camera. "Now this is how you do a review!"
- Todd's reaction to the sweatshop workers undressing themselves and dancing around.
*voice breaking* "...I need an adult."
- Especially since it comes right after him admitting that he's actually starting to like the movie, plus the Critic's facial expression.
- Their reaction to the Oz cabs driving away from the characters.
- "Believe in yourself! Pin babies to the wall! Obviously..."
- Todd and the Critic comparing He's the Wizard to a Sesame Street song.
"Cos the Wiz is a person in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood..."
- Todd's failed attempts to choose a movie to review.
Todd: ...Michael Jackson's magnum opus: Moonwalker!Critic: Did it.Todd: Cool As Ice!Critic: Did it.Todd: Glitter.Critic: You did it.Todd: Seriously? Man, I gotta start watching my own stuff.
- "Once the fastest metal mouth on the midway...frozen!" "TODAY!"
- The "conversation" when Dorothy returns home:
Dorothy: Oh, Auntie Em, I had the most awful dream! And you weren't there, and you weren't there, none of you were there, oh, I'm so glad to be home!Auntie Em: Are you still here? Why haven't you moved out yet?!
- The Critic questioning why there is a tornado during a snowstorm in New York.
- The Critic's reaction to finding out that Joel Schumacher wrote the screenplay.
Critic: What, does he put bat-nipples on the Tin Man?Todd: Come on. It's a great play, it's a great iconic story. Who could screw that up?Critic: Schumacher could find a way. Everything he touches turns to dick. *beat* And that's not a reference to his homosexuality. I think he's just a terrible storyteller.
- "Well, I don't wanna get too dirty, but there's a reason the Yellow Brick Road is yellow."
- "This is intolerable!"
- Their constant mocking of the ugly, fake sets of Oz.
- The Critic is unimpressed with the monsters in the Subway scene just being inanimate objects with teeth, and wonders if a killer drawer is next.
"DRAWER! DRAWER! OH MY GOD, A DRAWER! DRAWER, DRAWER, DRAWER, DRAWER, DRAWER!!!!"
- Their reaction to the shifty guy and his puppets earlier in the scene, however...
- When the Witch's musical number starts, the Critic and Todd admit that they actually like the scene and kind of wish that the witch would win.
- The Critic's rather...logical explanation for why they censored the three-breasted stripper: people jerking off to it would be depriving the original creator of credit.
- "Besides, four would've been hotter."
- When the opening credits begin:
Critic: So, our movie opens up with an obnoxious ripoff—I mean tribute to the titles in the Terminator movie; mixing it to like the Superman credits are melting.Guy: *reading names appearing on-screen* Sharon Stone, huh?Critic: Opinion lowers.Guy: Michael Ironside.Critic: Opinion rises!Guy: Hey, Ronny Cox.Critic: Yeah, I came down with a case of that. Penicillin knocked it right out.
- When Lori says, "Sorry, Quaid, your whole life is just a dream," they underscore how Quaid is probably taking the news by dubbing in the losing horns sound from The Price Is Right.
- After Benny's betrayal:
Critic!!Arnold: I am working on my one-liner for your death scene even as we speak!
- "See you at the party, Richter!"
- After learning of Rekall:
Critic: Yes, hello Rekall? I'll need one thousand pounds of unsalted butter and then an exquisite chinchilla, and once it's all introduced into the—Guy: Uhhh...what??Critic: PRIVATE CONVERSATION!!! *brings down a green screen reading "PRIVATE CONVERSATION (Let pervs be pervs)" as lounge music plays*
- The Critic giving instructions to the Guy to avoid being detected, involving wrapping a wet towel around his head, wearing a robe, puffing his chest out like he's cock of the walk, some Reddi-Whip, and shaving his testicles.
- "You know it's true, because I was able to say it without laughing my ass off!"
- The Critic finds "just shove real hard" to be incredibly disturbing when coming from Arnold. Cue the inevitable "GET YOUR ASS TO MARS" remix.
- "I can possibly never get an erection again."
- The Critic reprogramming Dr. Wiki to insult the Guy.
- At the end of the video, the Critic threatens to put the Guy in a corner again. The Guy counters by saying he's technically in his own area...but through the magic of digital editing, the Critic puts his clip in the corner of the screen anyways before muting him. Then the Critic admits that he only wanted to screw with the Guy on the ambiguous ending. As the Critic leaves, the Guy frantically pulls out a clipboard with "CLIP" written on it, to which the Critic returns and plays a silly Arnold face.
- All the arguments about the movie being a dream or not, resulting to the two things over to happen.
- Critic and Guy contemplating what exactly Cohageen meant when he said "I'll erase your ass" to Richter. While in actuality, Cohagen means "I'll kill you," they think it means something else.
- "Get the dog; take the cannoli!"
- The Critic arguing with his younger self, who's excited about seeing the Scooby-Doo movie.
Young!Critic: Do I have to become you?Critic: It makes sense in context!
- Telling Young!Critic that one day Mara Wilson will use his videos to blackmail him, and Young!Critic's reaction.
- There's also Young!Critic's reaction when he sees The Critic talk about Isla Fisher and what she does to Vince Vaughn, only for Young!Critic to stare blankly at him.
- Putting up a counter of how much money was wasted on the effects of the pointless farting and burping scene.
- "Oh, the good cause this money could have gone to."
- The Critic and Young!Critic booing the Bait and Switch joke of smoke and giggling emanating from the Mystery Machine turning out to be Shaggy and Scooby grilling burgers.
- This bit:
Old!Critic: Hey look, Velma's talking to a guy for a minute. I guess that means they're gonna get together at the end.Young!Critic: Oh, please. Everybody knows that she's saving herself for Daphne.
- Comparing Scrappy's One-Winged Angel form to Pumbaa.
Old!Critic: Called it!*the other Critics start complaining*
- "Hello, Timon! I've come to eat your soul!!"
- Also, when it's revealed that Scrappy is the villain.
- Their reaction to Fred's excitement of having Daphne's body:
Old!Critic: ...This movie was intended for children, right?Young!Critic: I don't think it was intended for anybody.
- When the gang steps into the Gothic, cobwebby backstage of a ride, the music from a similar scene in Edward Scissorhands starts playing.
- The Critic momentarily appearing in Purgatory and meeting Roger.
- The Critic casually telling Roger that he ate his goldfish.
- After the Critics save the timestream, Roger congratulates the present one and tries to float away, all mystic-like...and then just walks off normally.
- Even funnier, to viewers who know the reference ahead of time, it's a Whole Plot Reference to Star Trek: The Next Generation's series finale, "All Good Things...", with Roger in place of Q—and it subverts the hell out of it. (Fitting, considering it was intended as the last proper episode of the show.)
- Rob's cameo at the ending, where he reveals that he hosts a poker game (with characters such as 80's Dan and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come).
Dan: Well, I think I'm gonna win tonight, because I've been studying both your poker faces.
Rob: I'm a dinosaur.Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: This is undisputably true.
- And the kicker? Rob's still a dinosaur, as he loves to inform everyone.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: You know, we already have cards—Critic: Don't ruin the moment.
- Even though the following poker game is a huge Crowning Moment of Heartwarming for the Critic, there is this funny exchange when the Critic is dealing cards.
- This bit:
Fred: Scrappy, I told you: no urinating on Daphne!Critic: That's my job!
- Future Critic has, apparently, forgotten everything about his childhood. It manages to be both funny and really sad at the same time.
- The Critics' reaction to Shaggy's Out of Character cowardly moment, after Fred and Velma get captured.
Daphne: Fred and Velma always figured out everything.Critic!Shaggy: My middle name is Judas!!
- Everything about this line, upon watching a white college student limp his way through a selection of "ghetto" slang and "izzles":
Critic: White people: Making life uncool since the dawn of time.
- When Shaggy and Scooby meet Isla Fisher's character.
Young!Critic: Do I have to become you?
- Young Critic doesn't believe Present Critic when he tries to prove she's pretty and funny, ultimately getting creeped when the Critic points her "Wedding Crashers" scene when she ties Vince Vaughn and stuffs a sock in his mouth (Makes sense in context).
Critic: You should totally meet her sister. POT!
- Also guess what is her name: Mary Jane!
- One of Young Critic's attempts to defend the film and Present Critic's deadpan response:
Young Critic:It's a satire! Name one time when a satire doesn't automatically make the film funny-[the posters for three Seltzer and Friedberg movies show up on the screen] I don't know what those are yet...