In a World of nasty crimes, only one man can ensure that the women of Miami continue to be able to wear bikinis and sunbathe without corpses washing ashore. That man...(•_•)( •_•)>⌐■-■(⌐■_■)...wears sunglasses.Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!CSI: Crime Scene InvestigationSpin-Off, set in Miami. Horatio Caine (played by David Caruso) takes the role of the guy spouting the Quip to Black, which he often does after putting his sunglasses on - wonderfully parodied by Weebl & Bobhere and here by, of all people Phineas and Ferb. Horatio differs from Grissom by being a complete and utterly unrepentant dick, unless you're under 15 and/or a woman and/or have just survived a horrible crime — in which case, he's your best and most compassionate friend (and your best line of defense if the bad guy comes back to get you).The show uses its Miami setting to tell different stories to its Vegas counterpart; due to its coastal setting, the show features more water-based mysteries (e.g., stories involving dead people on boats and people fleeing Cuba), as well as dropping the 'pure science' angle of its parent series for a more direct 'police procedural' concept (meaning that Horatio Caine is primarily a police officer, rather than a scientist). One of its oddities is Alexx, The Coroner, who liked to say, "Oh, poor baby" or words to that effect over the corpse of the week (it's established early in the series that she does it to give the deceased a sense of 'reassurance'). Other characters include Calleigh Duquesne, known as the "bullet girl"; Ryan Wolfe (always referred to by Horatio as "Mr. Wolfe"); and Eric Delko, whose intensely drippy sister was briefly married to Mr. Caine before getting introduced to the business end of a firearm.Probably what would result if the writers of Starsky & Hutch were told 'Stop that! This is serious, dammit!'.The actors have mentioned that they believe the show to be a comic-book world that happens to be filmed in live-action, which... explains an awful lot, actually.Strictly speaking this is an ensemble show, like the other CSIs, but one character dominates the show.The series ended its run in 2012 after 10 seasons.
This show provides examples of:
Actor Allusion: When Aldis Hodge guest-starred all the poker players got Leverage-style titles (he was "Rap Mogul"; others were "Movie Star" and "Housewife").
Alpha Bitch: A mean girl gets stoned to death by her victims' parents, who only wanted to show her how cruel she was being. Unfortunately she didn't know when to shut up ("Your kids are losers, I just pointed it out (by setting up a gangbang for your daughter and driving your son to attempt suicide).") and the moms went berserk.
A pair of sorority sisters make a young woman's life hell even after she leaves college so her father kills them both and "brands" them with the sorority's letters. Hilariously they made life for each other hell too since one was seeing the others husband behind her back.
Batman Gambit: The judge in the video game, who was responsible for EVERY murder in the game through this way, and even tried to use his suicide this way to frame a man.
Beauty Is Never Tarnished: Marisol Delko - the healthiest looking dying woman on TV. She's had six months of chemotherapy for a tumor that, according to her brother, is bad enough that she apparently only has months to live, and yet, no makeup or clothing effects were used to hide the fact that her actress is perfectly healthy.
"May"? In one episode, where a roller-derby player is found inside a bathroom, dead from internal bleeding due to a broken rib from a back-attack severing a number of blood vessels, her ex-boyfriend comes up as a suspect due to his history of Domestic Abuse towards her. It turns out that the attack in the bathroom was done by the woman's jealous roommate, but the rib in question had been previously broken during a fight with the ex-boyfriend, with the consensus that had it not been for that beating, she could have survived the bathroom attack. The ex, in a one-on-one talk with Horatio, showsno remorse for his abusive history. Horatio promptly locks the office door and closes the window shutters. Cut to "Executive Producer" credits while the No-Holds-Barred Beatdown commences.
Horatio: It'll take 20 minutes for your lawyer to get here.
Victim's ex-boyfriend: I can wait.
Horatio: So can I. (shuts door and window shutters; beatdown begins)
Child abusers might be allowed to die while Horatio watches. Yes, the guy was a pedophile kidnapper, but he was begging for help and implied to be an abuse victim himself.
Birth-Death Juxtaposition: A pregnant woman who's beaten and left for dead gives birth on the day Horatio planned to visit Marisol's grave, which happens to be her birthday.
Bittersweet Ending / Wham Episode: The last episode: Ryan goes to confront Sam's state attorney boyfriend about his evidence tampering for literally criminal defense attorney Vogel and he's nearly beaten to death. Sam comes along, kills her boyfriend, and leaves Ryan to die and/or take the blame for the murder. Ryan lives and Vogel is ruined but Sam's betrayal is a huge blow and all her and her boyfriend's tampering might even derail the Miami Taunter case. Oh a happier note Calleigh was able to become a foster parent in spite of her unusually action-packed work hours.
Butt Monkey & Chew Toy: Eric Delko. The universe hates him. His sister got shot to get at Horatio, and died. He got shot in the head (again someone trying to get to Horatio. Feeling a pattern yet?) but survives, albeit with several side effects. He's been in trouble with internal affairs over his sister's use of medicinal marijuana, had a girlfriend who was the jealous clingy type who wanted to snipe his sister (she got beaten to it by another sniper). He goes to a nightclub, the place burns down while he's there - and no, he doesn't manage to save everyone. Every lawyer in Miami tries to have him seen as incompetent after his bullet to the head incident. Said bullet made him forget his sister's death, meaning he had to grieve all over again. His badge was once stolen and used to commit a murder. If crap is going to happen to a member of the team, there is a 80% chance it happens to Eric.
Even when it's not happening to Eric, odds are he'll be the person most affected after whoever is unlucky this episode. Don't forget that while Speed's fate (Death) was worse for Speed himself, Eric was his best friend. And when Wolfe got a nail shot in his eye, he was only working that day because Eric had shown up to work late (making Eric feel responsible for Wolfe getting an eyeful of nail).
And don't forget being purposely sued to fleece him of his money. The woman who sues him makes no bones of living the high life off someone else's misery.
Essentially, if you're a male member of Horatio's team, there's a 100% chance you'll get shot by something (either bullets or nail). Jesse should've asked for the statistics before signing up.
And where's Eric now? He got shot again, this time by his own girlfriend while helping his father escape the mob. There was also some question as to the legitimacy of his US citizenship. No wonder he finally decided to leave.
He comes back to investigate the lab and nearly gets blown up by a car bomb, and just when he decides to stay for good, everyone in the lab (including his girlfriend Calleigh) is "killed" (?) by a "virus" that turned out to just be gas.
Horatio himself could also qualify. He's never had a healthy relationship (Yelina was his brother's wife and then Stetler's girlfriend, both Marisol and his lawyer girlfriend were murdered (and he was framed for the second one)), he killed his father after watching him kill his mother, and he's just been shot.
California Doubling: Except for the season opening episodes, the show is not filmed in Miami (which may explain the random mountains out of nowhere). Considering Space Mountain is the third-highest point in the entire state of Florida, anything with a higher elevation than an anthill is out of place in Miami.
"Miami-Dade PD Headquarters" is actually the main office of a federal credit union near LAX.
Children Are a Waste: One episode has a guy who, while not opposed to monogamy, really dislikes sharing his wife with another creature to the point of hiring three people to give his wife a Convenient Miscarriage via carjacking (one for surveillance, one to hit her rigged car, and one to steal it and possibly frame his son from his first marriage, who works at a chop-shop). It doesn't work and mother and child live.
Dropped a Bridge on Him: Speed's death which comes out of practically nowhere and is in no way relevant to the case. The people who kill him aren't even connected to the episode's main perp.
Drugs Are Bad: Horatio's son is now working in the coroner's office (don't ask me how or why) and Horatio suspects he's stealing drugs. It turns out that Dr. Price (the current coroner) is an Oxycontin addict - when a grenade went off in the lab, Wolfe noticed her grabbing her spilled drugs: "Your pills are more important then your safety?"
Evil Matriarch: The "Miami Taunter's" grandmother killed her husband and had her then-14-year old son bury his body and was a "Well done son" mom ever since, and when her husband's body was found along with her grandson's victims she killed her son, exposed her grandson, and fled to a tropical island with no extradition.
Extra Y Extra Violent: In the Season 5 finale episode "Born to Kill", a couple knew that their son had this condition and constantly treated him with suspicion because of it. When their daughter accidentally kills their other daughter by pushing her down the stairs, she claimed he did it on purpose; this is what actually turned him violent.
Eye Scream: Wolfe getting a nailgun to the eye. Owww.
False Widow: One episode has a Rare Male Example: a group of con artists posing as a widower and his two children (actually a 30 something married couple) murdering a man in order to use his wife as a means to get into a yacht club and steal gold from another of its members.
Caine used to have moments where he worked in the lab, like, you know, a CSI.
If Caine did lab work, what would everyone else do?
Flock of Wolves: Minus the infiltration part, the cast of "The Boroughs". The two "party girls" were straight-A students the victim was married and her killer (who wanted a social life in the worst way) graduated from MI-frickin'-T, one guy was going to become a priest (he wanted to "reach out to sinners"), and as far as I could tell none of them was actually from New York.
Foreshadowing/Tempting Fate: When walking into a jewelry store with Horatio, Speed discusses expensive cars, disdaining them in favor of his bike. Caine mentions that he might need "something with doors" some day. Speed says he has plenty of time. He is fatally shot not 5 minutes later.
Freak Out: Randy North in "Mayday": He gets out on parole, but then his former cellmate, Jack Toller forces North to help him get rid of evidence. This causes North to lose his kids, who are then separated. He shoots Caine, shoves Boavista (whom he blames for not helping him enough) into a car trunk, then sends the car off a dock into the ocean. Cut to credits.
Idiot Ball: The CSIs don't even have a camera in their interrogation rooms. Allowing suspects to beat themselves up on the table and claim police brutality.
What makes this scene even worse is the fact that said interrogation room is basically made entirely out of glass, meaning pretty much anyone else in the entire police station at the time and within 200 yards of the scene would have seen the suspect smashing their head into the table while Horatio is standing on the other side of the room.
The sad part is that the suspect beating himself up to claim police brutality ploy happened not one, but twice. Seems that while they can afford holographic interfaces, cameras for the interrogation rooms are still way too expensive.
A possible justification is that Horatio uses the interrogation room to beat up suspects he doesn't like several times. It would be difficult to explain why the cameras were shut off for a while.
Meanwhile, up in New York, Mac Taylor responds to a suspect trying this by explaining how forensic evidence can establish that the wound was self-inflicted. The perp sulks a bit and asks for an aspirin.
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (the original) does have a camera in the interrogation room. As seen in the episode where the suspect went ballistic and tried to strangle Grissom.
Horatio, at the end of the episode Manhunt. Horatio didn't kill the guy like he usually would in similar circumstances (and in this case, absolutely SHOULD have), because the man's daughter was nearby and he wouldn't want her seeing it and being traumatized, thus letting him get away in a car with a hostage. This is an escaped murderer from prison who likes shooting people in the head with no warning, and had already killed several people in that one episode alone. One guess as to what happened to the hostage he took off with, and the episode ends with him still at large. Nice work, Horatio!
Ill Girl: Eric's sister, who valiantly survives cancer only to get a terminal case of bullet to the gut; Horatio's brother also had an illegitimate daughter who is diagnosed with leukemia (I think), necessitating Horatio to tell the widow about this so that her son can be tested as a potential bone marrow donor.
Ill Guy: One of 103 donor children tracks down his biological father because he (the son) suffers from a rare disease and needs a compatible liver. Unfortunately the soon-to-be-late bio dad isn't interested in helping fortunately his long-lost identical twin is a lot nicer.
Last Name Basis: Horatio to Ryan. It's never explained why Ryan is the only one to get this treatment from Horatio.
Speedle was mostly referred to by his last name, or his nickname "Speed".
Because his name is MR. WOLFE. If people could call me Mr. Wolfe I'd beg people to call me by my last name.
Law of Inverse Fertility: A woman who's been trying for three years to get pregnant is understandably angry when her friend gets pregnant without trying and then asks her to host a baby shower. Neither of them knew the lengths the pregnant woman's husband would go to in order not to have to deal with "another parasite" screwing up his perfectly good second marriage.
MacGyvering: When Calleigh gets kidnapped, she uses her l33t forensic skillz to give the team the identities of her kidnappers and her location, which Catherine had also done, years before.
Made of Iron: At the end of an episode Ryan is kidnapped by a group of Russians and tortured brutally all night long, including multiple blows to the head and chest. The next morning he goes home, cleans up, and proceeds to climb thirty flights of stairs to get to a crime scene, without even breaking a sweat.
Then in the Season 10 premiere, despite having been shot, Horatio leaps into the water to save Boa Vista, spends a few minutes underwater rescuing her. Then despite being taken to the hospital, he doesn't get treatment and spends the entire show chasing down the bad guys. Sure, he doesn't look that great but still.
He actually passes out underwater and has to be dragged to the surface by Natalia, while hallucinating he's in heaven with Marisol. He spends the episode hearing Mari's voice and looking like he's about to keel over at any moment (pale, weak and sweating). Could be an example of the determinator.
The Main Characters Do Everything: While not as bad about this as the original, this show definitely falls into this category. For starters, while in real life most CSIs actually are police officers (meaning having badges and guns is not much of stretch) they would not be doing lab work or interrogating suspects. A CSI's jobs is simply to obtain and document evidence from crime scenes, and then they move on to the next. Horatio Caine, holds the rank of Lieutenant, a supervisory position that would keep him in the lab for the most part (doing administrative work, not lab work) in real life, if he were going to show up at a crime scene he would not be the first to get there as he more than likely would have been called in by the investigators already on the scene. In reality, Detective Sergeant Frank Tripp is the only person in the main cast that would be doing the investigating.
Man Child / Father of a Thousand Young: A victim who was a sperm donor and had 103 children; unfortunately he was a jerk to three of them and not interested in having legitimate children with his slightly older wife, who married him because she wanted children.
Man on Fire: The fate of at least two Corpses Of The Week, both related to siphoning gasoline out of the tank (but in different episodes)
Misblamed: David Caruso is blamed for Caine's Narmy portrayal, but he emotes a lot more in earlier seasons and can actually act on other shows. It seems like the producers deliberately decided to Flanderize him.
Missing White Woman Syndrome: Caine and Delko both comment on the fact that missing women are more likely to attract media attention if they're white.
The Mole: Sam's (the straight-haired brunette ex-lab rat) boyfriend, an Assistant State Attorney, is actually working for Vogel, a very Amoral Attorney who blackmails his own clients (he (the ASA) doesn't seem to be enjoying it, though).
Motive Rant: Played straight most of the time, but defied at least once.
Sniper Suspect: Don't you want to know why? Horatio: You just killed four innocent people, you're evil, you enjoy death, I hope you enjoy your own.
Mood Lighting: Because it's always easier to find forensic evidence in a darkened room.
Ms. Fanservice: Natalia and Calleigh shared this duty. Reined in later in the show's run.
Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Wolfe, when he gets a little overenthusiastic about spraying the contrast agent on a piece of evidence to bring it out better under UV for a cameraman.
Night Swim Equals Death: Too many episodes to list. It's usually signaled by finding the body floating in the swimming pool.
Not Proven: One episode rests on avoiding this. The CSI have evidence linking a person to a drive-by, but the key evidence is a testimony from the victim's son, who is a child and whom no one wants to put in front of a jury. The CSI race to find more evidence to make up for the kid. They fail and he walks free from killing the kid's mom... Though he is immediately arrested him for the murder of his accomplice, and this time it's an airtight case.
Only One: The Miami cops cannot do ANYTHING - SWAT interventions, bomb disposal or police chase - without Horatio's direct presence and involvement.
Hilariously, later seasons regularly have Horatio showing up first when a crime is in progress, or there's a 911 call. And By showing up first we mean he gets there before patrol cars.
Our Ghosts Are Different: Callieigh is haunted, Ghost Whisperer-style, by a young boy who was killed in a fire (not surprisingly, they're both rather confused about this). It turns out Calleigh "saw" all this while in an out-of-body-experience/coma dream.
Pizza Boy Special Delivery: The parcel delivery driver in "Special Delivery" was having affairs with many of the housewives along his route. It was thought this might have been the reason he was murdered. It wasn't.
Police Brutality Gambit: Oh the problems they could save themselves if they invested in a camera for the interrogation room.
Power Walk: At one point, Horatio opens the episode in a confessional. There's some commotion in the cemetery right outside, which happens to be gunmen disrupting a funeral. After an exchange of gunfire, Caine, Alex, and Frank are all standing around while the other three CSIs, each in their own car, all arrive. They walk towards the crime scene in slow motion while Alex, H, and Frank talk about the murder. All told, they cut back to the Power Walk five times before they actually arrive.
Put on a Bus: Horatio's son enlisted in the army at some point; naturally his shore leave consisted of his Arab-American buddy possibly being dead, then accused of murder he's innocent, but his girlfriend's parents are rather messed-up. At the end of the episode, he is literally put on a bus. He has yet to be seen again, over a season later.
Quip to Black. Subverted on one occasion when the episode starts with Horatio's old friend on the bomb squad being killed in an explosion while he's outside. Caine, stunned, actually takes off his shades and says absolutely nothing.
Due to the sheer amount of mocking the character has received for his One-Liner style, Caine has pretty much stopped doing it.
Horatio is known so well for this, CBS did a "Horatio Caine Impression Contest" at one point.
Really Seventeen Years Old: Played with in "Innocent". The victim is a pornographic actress who, while she was eighteen at the time of her death, had been performing for over a year beforehand - and the management of her company had found out. It turns out to be unrelated to her death, however.
Roaring Rampage of Revenge: The entire end of Season 4 brings the wrath of Horatio down on the Mala Noches when they carry out a hit on his wife of only one day, Marisol, ultimately killing her. This then leads to a perfectly pitched Tear Jerker.
Combined with Disproportionate Retribution: a chubby girl gets revenge on the three douche-bags who humiliated her by first slimming down and then killing them over spring break.
Ship Tease: Eric/Calleigh gets a big one when Calleigh dons a wedding veil while attempting to recreate the crime scene. The episode's ad was specifically cut to obscure the fact that the two were still wearing their normal clothes otherwise.
They're an official couple now, although the fact that Eric may have been wearing a wire all that time may have put a strain on that.
Shoo Out the New Guy: Megan Donner (played by Kim Delaney) was a central character for the first 11 episodes, and featured heavily in the original promotion before the series started. She was then Put on a Bus, supposedly due to a lack of onscreen chemistry between Delaney and Caruso.
Sixth Ranger: Technically First Ranger Jesse Cardoza, who is introduced in flashback retiring just as Calleigh joins the lab; he rejoins just in time to replace Eric after he decided to leave, and dies just in time for him to stay.
Super-Deformed: The CSI: Miami Heat Wave Facebook game, where you are a new member to the Miami CSI team. Not only do you find and process evidence, but you must also question evidence-related witnesses to either advance in the case or put the witness behind bars.
Then again, on at least one occasion a "corpse" was still alive!
Team Dad: Horatio to his team members, though he doesn't really go into full berserker mode unless Alexx or Calleigh are in danger. Meaning if you're a male member of Horatio's team... sucks to be you.
Team Mom: Alexx, who'd even act motherly to the corpses.
Too Soon: Wolf teasing Walter about going skydiving while examining a victim who died when his parachute was tampered with. Walter's response is "Hey, let's ask him how it was — what, too soon?"
Although, it does raise the question of what happened to Frank? He was in the car with Horatio, but is never seen getting out.
Unholy Matrimony: The Happily Married couple who kidnapped women (with the wife posing as a fellow victim in order to relish the sight of hope dying in the victims' eyes) in order to strengthen their marriage. If I recall correctly that episode was titled "Folie A Deux" and the wife was the crazy one who "infected" the husband.
Vapor Trail: In the episode "Dishonor", the killer ignites the gasoline-soaked victim by dropping a lit match into a trail of gasoline.
Vigilante Execution: A common hazard, and not just at the end of the episode, either - sometimes it happens halfway through and they discover some additional twist in the case.
We Are Everywhere: Subverted on at least one occasion when Horatio answers back that he'll be using the evidence they found out of the Perp Of the Week's stuff to hunt down every last member of this "we".
"Well Done, Son" Guy: Not even burying his father's body when he was a teen could appease the mother of "The Miami Taunter's" dad.
Wham Episode: As of the Season 9 finale, Horatio's been shot (for real this time), and Natalia's been locked in the trunk of a car which has just been shoved off the pier. The episode ends with her screaming and pleading for someone, anyone to answer their phone as she frantically calls for help (but gets nothing but busy signals).