- 08/10/2010: We learn not to use tasers on bears.
- 05/09/11: The story of a man who was able to steal a fire truck because the firemen left the truck unlocked with the keys inside. Nash says that if you are a fireman in Florida, and you think only an idiot would steal a fire truck you have to remember that you live in Florida.
- Nash states that one of the rules of life is "all women are crazy, all men are idiots", and then gets Tara to unwittingly make his point by having her show off her collection of hippo-themed objects. He just sits back and chuckles while Tara goes on about her hippos.
Tara: These are just the ones that are within reach, people.
Nash: You are not just making my point, Tara, you are lovingly hand crafting my point!
- Nash's meltdown over the "mystery enema" story in Live WTFIWWY from 05/16/11
- From the same story, the fan makes a suggestion to the ambiguity of the woman. Two words: Enema Fairy.
- From the end of the show: balloons.
- Nash discussing the "invisible magic penis" in the Live WTFIWWY from 05/30/11.
- 06/06/11: Disembodied Orgasm Hippo vs Space Core!
- 06/13/11: Nash and Tara get excited when one story of naked crazy actually explains how the guy came to be naked.
- 06/20/11: Man Removes Wart From Middle Finger... with Shotgun. That he just happened to find under a hedge.
Hope/JesuOtaku: You just know there's some guy sitting at home watching the evening news and saying "Fuck! That's my shotgun!"
Nash & Tara: [laughing their respective asses off]
- Upon learning that the moron in question not only lived in a trailer park but also worked as a tinker, Tara remarks that "Tinkers are not smart people." And once again, Hope is very quick to respond:
- The discussion of the variant of Scissors Paper Rock that has gun beating toilet.
- The whole 'Booty Call Ninjas' story:
Nash: I can't believe we're having to read a serious news article with the words 'Booty Call Ninjas'.
JesuOtaku: Look into its eyes, Nash! They say that those who do can see the face of God!
- On the 6/27/11 episode, Nash proceeds to "go to plaid" over a story involving a man who hid in the tank of a porta potty so he could get off over it. With open cuts, no less.
- From the same one: "Radio Dead Air: At least he didn't fuck the horse."
- On 7/11 the live What The Fuck Is Wrong With You (Furry Batmobile) had a woman die from an allergic reaction... to a German Shepherd's dick. Both Tara and Nash's reactions are golden.
- Also Tara's open-mouthed gape of shock upon seeing the last story about an Ugandan school using a bomb as a bell.
- From the 7/25/11 Live episode (Don't Mess With the Amish), at a story that the weapons check at the entrance to ComiCon turned up a stiletto dagger, a machete, and an "honest-to-Rambo AR-15":
Seriously, guys? I mean, I don't like Twilight
- Tara pointing out that if she ever took LSD, it would be bad because all her hippos would come to life. Nash adds that Staring Into Your Soul hippo would turn to her and say "You are not your flesh" and suchlike.
- From the 08/01/11 Live episode (It's Not a Pocket), when Tara shows off her very first hippo plushie Humperdink using a newer version of it:
You have two versions of the same...
Tara: I have four, actually.
- 8/8/11: Nash and Tara's reaction to a story from Tara's own hometown (a man robbing a convenience store wielding a tree branch).
Nash: (reading headline) 'Tree-branch wielding man robbed 7-11 store...'
Tara: This....is really really close to where I grew up.
Nash: From Central Islip, New York...
Tara: OH MY GOD, THIS IS WHERE I GREW UP.
Nash: (dies laughing while pointing at Tara)
Tara: This is my hometown, I grew up in Central Islip! I TOLD you people I grew up in the hood!
- 8/29/11: Snakes on a Plane initiated in real life.
- Derek The Bard's near-hysterical laughter at the headline makes it even better.
- 9/19/11 (Eel Spelunking): The eel that swam up a man's penis.
Tara: This is why the hippo is truly a noble and majestic creature, because no hippo will ever swim up your dick.
- 9/26/11 (They Call Him Flipper): Nash. Meltdown... ...DOLPHIN FUCKING.
- 9/05/11 (The Junk of Cthulhu): Nash's awed reaction to a story about a man who caused an explosion by pouring gasoline onto a beehive and lighting it on fire. Made even funnier when he expresses his desire to want to try it himself and Tara trying to talk him out of it.
- 10/03/11 (Deep Hurting): Tara gives us this little gem:
"Protip: If you have to tell people you're invisible, you're not invisible."
- 11/07/11 (Red Hot Toowoomba): The story about a woman who was high and wanted police to arrest her mailbox.
Tara: He just sits there, looking in the windows, and once a day the little flag goes up. The fuckin' perv.
- The story about a guy wanting to fly over Bagdad in a lawnchair. Made even funnier by Nash's and Tara's genuine surprise and interest in the fact that(apparently) people in Iraq don't have lawnchairs.
- JesuOtaku singing "Poker Face" in response to a story about three teenagers who branded themselves in the rear with a red-hot poker.
- Followed by her singing "Ring Of Fire".
- Flatulent bondage hippo.
- Nash apparently once got drunk at a con and found himself lying on a bench screaming that he was Jesus.
- 12/5/11 (Gooey Hot Pocket): Most of the zingers provided by the guest cohost.
Nash: I think we've just learned that Doug is more fucked up than me or Tara!
- "[The culprit in the second story] was dressed all in black with a hooded sweatshirt covering his head...[glances at the camera] Todd..."
- Doug's reaction to the story about a drunk driver crashing into a "You Booze, You Lose" truck.
: I don't know what I'm more pissed at him about—the drunk driving, or ruining an '89 Camaro
: Being from Long Island, I can't be mad at him ruining an '89 Camaro, because...there are such few things that are good Guido shorthand. Doug
: Maybe the guy was driving drunk and he was like, "Lord, if you want me to stop, please give me a sign!" Nash
: (dies laughing)
- Implying the cop in the image was taking a picture of the wreck with his phone. "They're not gonna believe this shit!"
- Doug as Dr. Claw and then Batman.
- The Double Entendres flying between Doug and Tara at the end of the show. Even better? Doug's fiancée was right beside him. The boy has no shame.
- During one story, Nash tells his own story about how Hope took him to a water park, at which point Doug interrupts to ask if he meant Hope the person or just a general kind of hope leading him to that park. Once that's cleared up, Nash continues to explain how she convinced him to get on a water slide, which, contrary to her descriptions, was not in fact fun, and more 'Oh Jesus, I'm going to throw up'- at which point Tara interrupts to say that Hope might not like it if Nash keeps telling everyone details of their sex life.
- 1/2/2012 (Facebooks are Forever): A story featuring a Florida man who burned the house that he was renting down because he did not want a woman moving in with him. Unfortunately, the man's dog was killed in the fire and the man willingly knew the dog was inside when he started the fire. Nash loses it and actually plays Gunther's "Ding Dong Song" LIVE in response.
- 1/23/12 (A Deadly Bee Weapon): "Don't say 'fuck' in the Chuck E. Cheese!"
- 2/6/12 (Two Great Tastes): Halfway through talking about political blunders on Facebook, one of Tara's hippos starts randomly making noise. Tara immediately puts on a sultry voice and says, "He's in my lap, that's why he's happy." Nash cracks up.
- Tara, in response to the antics of the Pants-On-Head Bank Robber: "What. (Nash cracks up) What?"
- 2/25/12 (Hand-Carved Phallus): Hope calling the Disneyland security team the 'Disney po-po'.
- Oancitizen claiming that "Organized basketball is essentially a bunch of rich white men controlling a group of athletic black men and making them fight each other," leading Nash to crack up and Hope to remark, "Tonight, on a very intellectual What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?..."
- During a story on a homophobic builder who left hand-crafted concrete penises on the front doorstep of a gay neighbour, Hope idly asks, "I wonder if he took the time to grow moss on the balls."
- Confusion over the badly written title, "Squatting Naked Man Raymond H Blair Found With Crack In Buttocks In Stuart, Police Say."
Oancitizen: The buttocks were in Stuart?! [...] How does Stuart feel about that? How did they get the buttocks in Stuart?
- 2/27/12 (Why is the Rum Gone?): Tara using one of her hippo plush to do a "dramatic reenactment" of a story about a large naked woman stomping out the windshield of a man's car.
- 3/5/12 (Poop-Type Pokemon): The entire story about Hitler Chic (IE: Clothing and memorabilia of pop-culture icons with their faces replaced with Hitler's).
Tara: Why is Ronald Mcdonald Hitler?
- The "Overtime Special" from the same episode, where Nash and Tara talk about attending a White Wolf World of Darkness convention in Chicago in what was probably the sketchiest hotel in America at the time. They nicknamed it "Ghetto Con." Find it here
- 3/12/12 (Weekend At Bernie's 3): The story of the man who broke into a woman's house because God told him to.
Tara: Well, we've heard worse excuses...
- Nash trying to get back on track... and realizing he doesn't want to:
Nash: "Back in our wheelhouse. Why is this our wheelhouse? This should be nobody's wheelhouse! Why is this our wheelhouse, Tara?! Cuz you know what I'm going to say, don't you?!"
Tara: "...something about naked rampage?"
- As Nash delivers the setup to the "corpse abuse" case, take a good look at Tara's facial expressions.
- Nash's shellshocked, thousand-yard stare as Tara recounts the story of the Underfloor Piss Snorkeler.
- Tara was on a roll for this episode, closing it out by breaking Nash with how she would deal with his body.
- 4/9/12 (Festive Holiday Grenades): Todd gives Tara a run for her money in the "How To Be a Better Criminal" department.
- Bare-Breasted Brouhaha: After a story involving a drunken woman calling 911 because of being lost in the woods and not knowing where to take a leak, both Nash and Producer Mike (filling in for Tara) point out the logical problem: when you're lost in the woods, you can pee anywhere. Except on a bear... or on someone's tent... and Mike caps the whole thing with a funny anecdote:
If you're in the woods and you have to pee, and you're cooking in the woods and you're cooking with something that involves jalapenos
, wash your hands before
you pee and then wash your hands after
you pee. (Beat
) My scoutmaster, twenty years ago, twenty-five years ago, learned this lesson
) We heard the scream from a quarter-mile away.
- 4/16/12 (Walmart Chemical Warfare): The ketchup covered homeless man complaining about tourists.
Tara: Are the tourists mustard people? Is that the problem?
Nash: Damn mustards, I hate them mustards! Especially the spicy ones!
Tara: Is he trying to start some kind of burger topping war?
Nash: Fuck all them fancy Grey Poupons! Keeping the Heinz man down!
Nash: Everything you just said made me sad.
- Nash's and Tara's utter awe about a man who managed to commit 11 felonies in one day while in Nashville.
- (Frequent Foolish Miles) 4/23/12: Tara shows off a hippo candle she has had for years but never lit because she didn't want its behind burnt and make her sad. Nash, however, doesn't share the same opinion.
Nash: Nah, it wouldn't make me sad. I'd be like burn, burn!
Tara: That's because you are a bad person with no soul.
Nash: I am. I really am. Thanks for noticing.
- Also, the Midnight Nightshirt Police-Camera Shooter:
Nash: No! Don't call! If you know who that guy is, don't tell him! Nobody snitch! Because I think my world is a little bit more awesome, knowing he's out there!
Tara: No! No it's not! Do you really want some random old man running around in his jammies shooting things in the middle of the night? That's what makes your world better? That makes my world scarier!
- 5/6/12 (Turn Right, Clyde)- The story about a woman who found cocaine in her tampons and Nash's and Tara's reaction to it.
- Made even funnier by Nash joking about it being a botched terroist attempt.
Nash: I'm just picturing Al Qaida with all these different brands of tampons trying to figure out which ones would be best to stuff with Anthrax.
- Tara claiming that "Anthrax Vagina Attack" would make a good punk band name.
- The episode begins in mid-conversation as Nash gleefully goes on about how awesome The Incredible Hulk was in The Avengers. "Happy..."
- "No fucky-fucky".
- The video at the beginning of the lioness pawing at the enclosure in the zoo while a toddler sat right on the other side. Nash feels sorry for the lion, Tara gets bothered that Nash keeps referring to it as "he".
- 5/14/12 (The Cone of Shame)- Nash and Tara's reaction to the sex offender caught watching porn at a McDonald's and wondering why anyone would be aroused by said restaurant.
- Also, upon seeing the wide-eyed Slasher Smile on the offender's mugshot...
Tara: He's lovin' it.
Nash: (Dies laughing)
Nash: You want me to starve, don't you?
- The story about the old man who set a retirement home on fire because he hated retirement homes and got aroused by fire.
Nash: (As an old man) How can I make this place better? Oh, I'll set it on fire! Then I'll get a boner!
- 5/21/12 (Art of Exploding Wangs) - There were a number of funny things, from the giant penis monument (named "Gaia") that was "blown" up in the name of art, to another Florida story where a senior prom was held in the same place as a porn convention, to the "live" coverage of the porn prom, but the funniest was the look on Nash's face when he found out that he forgot to hit the record button and almost lost this session. To think we almost lost the story of the giant wang that exploded.
- 5/28/12 (A Whiter Bajingo)- Nash and JesuOtaku nearly losing it over Jew Wario's robotic kitty-cat ears.
- Nash commenting that one day he'll wake up with JO hovering over him wearing the cat ears and saying 'Nyan?'
- When discussing a blatantly unrepentant arsonist who tried to burn down a Home Depot and claimed he'd do it again if given the chance, Hope starts singing:
His neck is as wide around as his head... It's wider!
Hope: (giggling) It's like... it's like he was eating a watermellon in summer and never swallowed it all the way down!
Hope: (In Schwarzenegger voice) It is going to digest in five years time, and I will gain nutrients from it, argh argh argh...
- 6/4/12 (Baby Not On Board): After hearing a story about a deceased cat that was turned into a helicopter by its owner, the sheer absurdity of the event causes everyone to burst out laughing.
Nash: How do you get — from dead cat to helicopter?
JO: Oh God!
Nash: There are some pages missing.
JO: Oh God! Somebody in the chat said "tape some Poptarts to it and fly a rainbow banner behind its ass!"
Nash, Tara, JO: *cracks up*
- Nash's slackjawed "WTF?!" expression while watching the clip was pure gold.
- This graduates to hyperventilation and screaming incredulity when the kitty-copter is piloted towards a herd of grazing cows, who immediately flee in terror.
- Tara, inspired by the story about the Japanese chef, expands on her funeral plans for Nash. And this time, JesuOtaku's there to hear it...
- Tara pointing out how horrifying kids' shows would be if viewed by a person under the influence of drugs.
: Like, could you imagine watching Phineas and Ferb
while high? Candace would become the stuff of nightmares.
- The anecdote Tara tells about how a LARP game was interrupted by a couple having sex across the street.
- 6/11/12 (You May Now Punch The Bride): Tara giving a rather poor PSA about drug use.
JesuOtaku: This PSA brought to you by Snowflame!
- To be specific, she actually said that she encouraged the use of cocaine as opposed to meth. The entire conversation was just wonderful.
- The story about the man whose private parts were burned by a blast of steam while using the urinal at an Arby's. Also, their reaction to the fact that this incident has happened more than once.
- Nash getting utterly blindsided by JO and Tara suddenly talking about gloryholes is the best part.
- 6/18/12 (Nudestravaganza): A news story about a man who got caught having sex with a teddy bear in public for a fourth time resulted in Tara asking how one would have sex with a teddy bear. Which resulted in actual suggestions from the audience.
You've got teddy bear fuckers, Nash.
- Made better - or worse - by her suggestion that one of them's fucked Teddy Ruxpin because they wanted to hear him talk. "Call me daddy, Teddy Ruxpin, call me daddy!"
- Not to mention Nash repeatedly going "Get Out!" as she's talking.
- Tara and JO latching onto the idea of a cat strip club. Nash's horrified reaction is priceless.
- 6/25/12 (Everything Must Be Flapping): The story about a man making antisemitic comments while dressed as Elmo. Nash's and Tara's reactions were priceless.
- JesuOtaku's off-screen cameo during a story about a teenager who got his arm caught in a vending machine.
JesuOtaku: That's how I want to die! With my arm caught in a vending machine! Now I can die happy!
- 7/2/12 (Midget Party Foul)- The story about a man who showed up drunk at a kindergarten graduation and began waving a machete around. Nash's question of whether or not the guy had any clarity over what he was doing makes the whole thing priceless.
- Nash and Tara's reaction to a video of a naked man going around punching people and getting tazed twice by cops.
- The story about Michigan State police wanting to implant talking urinal cakes into bathroom stalls to deter drunk driving.
(Impersonating a drunk) Toilet's talking to me! The....the toilet's....toilet wants to take me on a ride home...
- Nash gargling "Don't drink and drive." is just pure hilarity.
Nash: How much have you had to drink!?
- 7/9/12 (The Contraption): After hearing about a baby who ended up being smuggled through an airport baggage scanner and another baby whose mother went on a drug-fuelled rampage around the hospital (luckily neither kid was hurt), Nash and Obscurus Lupa start joking about the kids will earn "superpowers" and form a superhero team.
Nash: (dramatic) Bath Salt and the X-Ray! Fighting crime, together!
- 7/16/12 (Mr Dick Whittling): Another one of Tara's tangents: Nude marathon for cancer kids.
- In a story about a guy who swung a samurai sword near the Capitol Building, Nash and Tara point out how, in this age of terrorism, stuff like that is going to get you killed.
Nash: Of all the places to do this shit...
Tara: At a state building.
Tara: There's probably going to be authority figures there.
Nash: They're not going to play! Th-they have no reason to play. Play will not be had.
Tara: In the age of terrorism, your bladed weapon does not belong anywhere near the government.
And they're not gonna go for the stun guns, they're gonna go for the gun
guns. The ones that don't just make you maybe dead, the ones that make you really
dead. Center mass, bitches
Nash: ...The gun gun. I-I think I've coined a phrase there.
Tara: (Sigh) Yeah, and someone already turned it into a Star Wars word.
- Nash wants to add "dick-whittling" to his vocabulary but doesn't know how. Tara suggests "Jesus Dick-Whittling Christ."
- 7/27/12 (Going Nuclear): Tara suggests that Nestle wanted Kit Kat to be the most popular candy given to kids by pedophiles, so they made Pedobear their mascot.
- 7/31/12 (I Steal Pets): The pet store thief after realizing the cash register is locked, tries to save face by puppy-napping a young pomeranian. Hilarity Ensues. And even better, it's all on video!
- He does this by stuffing the puppy down his PANTS.
- When talking about the story about a man who set off a firecracker between his buttocks, Tara points out the double meaning of the word "backfire". Cue Nash and Hope's Collective Groan.
- A man was caught washing his testicles in a drinking fountain and he was arrested for indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, and misuse of a drinking fountain.
- 8/6/12 (Candy Coated Meth): Tara suggesting that people should be allowed throw baseballs at the It's A Small World ride at Disney World.
- 8/13/12 (You Obviously Love Owls): Three words you shouldn't say in public (EVER): bomb, bob, and bong. You call him Robert.
Nash: I do not obviously love owls!
- The story about a man who crashed a stolen car and hid in a closet while naked.
JesuOtaku: (Impersonating a police officer on a megaphone) This is the police! Come out of the closet!
- "Tokyo Drift! Big Fuckin' Toyota!"
- A Douchequake-worth story inspires Nash and Hope to start singing the Ding Dong Song.
- 8/20/2012 - Unleash The Monkey!
- Tara admitting, on behalf of women everywhere, that there is nothing more entertaining than making guys perform "Stupid Human Tricks", just to see if they're actually dumb enough to do it.
- A return to an old WTFIWWY theme: Meat in Your Pants!
Nash: Here's the part that really skeeves me out: he didn't just put it in his pants: he unwrapped it before putting it in his pants. Y'gonna eat that later?! Really!?
- And then shortly thereafter:
Tara: What do you think is in a six-dollar sausage?
Nash: [Thinks for a moment] ...Really distinguished pig lips.
- "Always keep your sausage wrapped!"
- Satan's Penthouse in Hell!
- 14-year-old boy blows 0.165 BAC driving his drunk 49-year-old father home. More than twice the legal limit to drive in the state of South Dakota.
Nash: [Applauding] Hats off to you, kid! Holy Shit!
Tara: Well you'd like to say at least Dad had the presence of mind to get a ride home, cuz his ass is drunk. But then you consider that he got a ride home from his fourteen-year-old, who's also drunk, and all that goes out the window!
Nash: He was ALL of the drunk! That was every single drunk! There was no more drunk left!
Tara: And he had an open container in the car, according to the rest of the story. He was still drinkin'! The party was ongoing!
Nash: I wonder which one of them said "Here, hold my beer." Y'know it was said at some point!
- Ladies and Gentlemen: The Greatest Story In the History of Ever! Nash has been trying to contain himself through the entire episode, and Tara is clutching her hippo plushie in terror of what he is about to unleash!
Nash: This is officially 'The Best Thing in The History of Ever'. ... I'm so happy to get to tell you guys about this story. You don't know. You just. You. Don't. Know."
Nash: "If he sez he'll let the monkeys loose, he will let the monkeys loose!" "Saw him get ahold of a dog once..." "oh yeah..."
- Tara flubs and coins "Marky-Mark and the Monkey Bunch"!
- 8/27/2012 (Our Lord Rhesus Christ):
- The live broadcast had no sound in the beginning, so when the recording was uploaded to the site, it was edited to look like a silent film. This happens twice.
- Discussing an elderly woman who vandalized a church fresco:
Tara: [Jesus looks like a nesting doll.] Oh God, they could have the Twelve Apostles [inside]...
Nash: [dies laughing]
Tara: The Twelve Apostles, and the tiniest one would be the Baby Jesus! That would actually be really adorable!
Nash: And really blasphemous, but...
Tara: NO, it wouldn't be blasphemous!
- Tara's hilarious wordless reaction to Nash's comment, "I have never comprehended the entire concept of the orgy," ending with zipping her lips.
- Following a story about a man who got jealous during an orgy, Nash wonders if he saw the Sesame Street short that taught "sharing is caring", which leads Tara to wonder if there was an orgy etiquette lesson on Sesame Street.
Tara: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12... PENISES!
- Nash and Tara keeping their fingers crossed for when they (inevitably) get a story of someone sneaking aboard the space shuttle.
- 9/10/12 (Deja Vu (And Monkeys, Too)):
Nash: Hey Sonic! What do we do if there's a naked guy outside your restaurant?
- Tara and Lewis have a religious debate... which veers into the topic of child psychology.
- At the end of the What Have We Learned segment, the three end up trying to one-up one anothers' toy collections.
- Special mention goes to Lewis' laugh during the chihuahua story.
- "And Nash thought this would be too blue for me."
- 9/17/12 (A better Love Story than Twilight ):
- The Stinger: Disembodied Orgasm Hippo doesn't work. Nash is thrilled.
- The video opens up with everyone admiring JO's new hairstyle, which JO states people have said it resembled Reese's Pieces. Nash, however, doesn't agree.
Nash: The fuck Reese's Pieces have you people been eating!?
- In the story about the guy who breaks into people's houses and tell them God sent him to marry their daughters, Nash wonders if that's God's idea of a prank.
Nash: "Guy. Hey, guy. Um.. Yeah, it's God. I want you to go to 287 Winslow and break in because, guess what? You're getting luck tonight. Go on, there you go... *Turns around, laughing* "Hey, Jesus! He's actually doing it, check this shit out! Where's the Holy Ghost, we gotta show him!"
JO: Gabriel! Gabriel! *Mimics holding newspaper, in a British accent* "Oh, not this shit again..."
- Nash and Hope's speculations about the "strange noises" the stalker did into the telephone.
- Three words: Monkey paratrooper rain.
- The story about the documentary Donkey Love being entered in a film competition and WINNING horrifies everyone, until they find out this was from Australia and Tara thinks it all makes sense. Nash then tries to stop her, fearing he's going to get letters, but when she keeps going, Nash mimes writing a letter:
Nash: "Dear Nash, I live in Australia, and I resent the idea that my people fuck donkeys. The red-headed woman is making me angry."
- 10/1/12 (More Cushion For the Pushin):
- In one Christmas episode, Nash and JesuOtaku were wearing Santa hats. To keep with the Christmas theme, JO proceeded to drape Christmas lights over herself.
- 10/15/12 (Give Granny a Kiss): Nash's facepalm when Tara starts relaying another hilarious story from her childhood about melting her family's TV. Later, Tara's reaction to Nash's story about his father and dynamite:
Tara: I'm sorry, and my childhood's fucked up? [...] My father never blew anything up. Yes, he set a dog's ass on fire, but that was an accident.
- Nash and Tara talk about making a website that regularly updates to indicate where a certain man's penis is stuck that day.
Today, my penis is stuck in a beagle!
- 10/22/12 (Abercrombie uber Alles): From a story where a man defecated himself during a fight with some cops:
I'm imagining him sitting there, going "I should do something", and there's the angel and the devil
. One of them goes "shit in your pants!", and the angel goes "...yeah! Shit in your pants!".
- Also the Halloween special that accompanies the video, "This Is Hookerween." Most of their reactions to the Top Ten Worst Sexy Costumes qualify, but the #1 spot, a giant black inflatable penis costume, takes the cake. The more they look at it the more things they find wrong and offensive about it. Then Nash reads the description and discovers the costumes comes with "four AA batteries." Tara proceeds to ask what is simultaneously the best and worst question ever:
Tara: Does it vibrate? (Video fades out on one of the most horrified faces that Nash has ever pulled.)
- 11/19/12 (Double-Clicking Your Mouse): A story of a man jerking off at a drive-thru of McDonald's makes Nash wonder why they keep getting stories of McDonald's shenanigans.
Nash: Why does this keep happening?
- Tara revealing that she knows a surprising amount about Pablo Escobar... because he's the reason that Colombia has a thriving hippo population.
- 11/26/12 (Black Friday Follies): Tara asks the channel to draw her fan art of the Evangelists as the Avengers.
- 12/17/12 (To Kill a Toilet): Before the episode starts, Nash presents a Christmas gift he got from Walmart: Excedrin, which is aspirin. Considering what he discusses on this show...it makes perfect sense.
Nash: Walmart has realized I buy so much Excedrin, they're sending it to me for Christmas. (Beat
) This is what you do to me.
- 12/31/12 (That Doesn't Go There 2012): Two men are wanted for assaulting a man while dressed as Oompa Loompas, Linkara composes a song...
Linkara: Oompa Loompa without a trace, I am going to punch you in the face.
JO: What do you get when you're drunk in Norwich? Attacked by two guys who... I don't know, fight like a bitch?
- From the first story about a collection of items found in places (over the year of 2012) they really shouldn't be:
- 1/21/13 (All Aboard the Windex Express): The story about the cleaning lady who started a train by accident. First, Tara gets all giddy about stealing a train and making RDA Express and then the show devolves into Mr. Tran & The Toy Cack quotes.
- A man broke into a house and baked a pie while in underwear. The article worded this incorrectly.
Nash: Now what's wrong with that phrasing?
Tara: He must have really, really been running a bad fever.
- 1/28/13 (Stop Drop and Jerk): The tie for "worst of the week" to end the episode- both featuring drug induced naked insanity. The first had a man who got high on lysol, got naked, tried to set his bed on fire, tried to eat coins and taser barbs,growled at people, and finally bent over and spread his anus open and proclaimed "Who wants some?" The other is simply summed up as "violent naked pooping masturbator".
- Nine words: "Take off your fucking fedora and do some heroin!"
- Also, the opening to the episode: Tara is wearing fake glasses with hot-pink plastic rims- and pretending not to notice them; Nash is utterly bewildered. After about ten seconds of near-total silence, Nash finally asks, "Must you?"
- Tara bitching about the friend zone while Nash quotes Airplane.
The friend zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the friend zone.
- 2/4/13 (Grand Theft Seabiscuit): Tara revealing the secret to her youth:
Tara: I sleep in Tupperware filled with this mixture of argon-oil and unicorn blood and the tears of virgins. Works like a charm!
- Tara has to ask Nash to rephrase the phrase 'comes at you', given the show's content...
- 2/11/13 (Can You Hear Me Now): Disembodied Orgasm Hippo returns. Much to Nash's dismay.
- The story about a man who tried to hide a phone up his butt and was caught when the phone began ringing. Tara explains that it may be the first case of a "reverse butt-dial".
- Nash claiming that God is a Troll during the story about a huge colony of flying spiders in Brazil.
- 2/18/13 (The Hard-Packed Snow): Nash and Oancitzen's reaction to the inevitable- a story about a police chase involving a donut truck.
- Kyle tries to come up with a verb that means 'to create a snow penis' and ends up with 'snow-dick'. Nash loses it.
- 2/25/13 (Flight of the SUV): Having recovered from last week's illness, Tara apologizes for not making an appearance, but speculates that trying to present her half of the show through charades wouldn't have been entertaining... whereupon Nash decides to run with it by tugging on his earlobe and making a certain gesture. Tara follows this up by making a hilariously overexaggerated "angry face" and hoisting two middle fingers at the camera. And this ended up being this episodes' thumbnail in the blip tv episode guide!
- 3/11/13 (Snowflame Needs No Pants): SNOOOOOWFLAAAAME!!!!
- 3/18/13 (Secret Canine Jihad): Hope and Tara being divas about not having their names in the credits, after Nash plays the opening without the latter's name in it.
- 4/1/13 (The Whizzinator): Space Guy and Linkara comparing their spaceships.
Space Guy: I have a spaceship too....
Linkara: (whispering into microphone) Mine's bigger.
Space Guy: (quietly and defensively) It's not about the size it's how you use it...
- Much all of what Space Guy says can count as this, but his comment that the Whizzinator should be a hands-free device stands out for making Linkara completely crack up.
- Linkara's expression when the Dihydrogen Monoxide prank is brought up. Something about the fact that he knows where it's going.
- 4/29/13 (It's Too Damn Big): Nash recites a story title, only to be so utterly baffled at it that he starts trailing off mid-word.
- One journalist used so many bad puns that Nash kept interrupting the article with his fervent wishes to kill the author.
- After reading an article about a guy releasing a song on iTunes about his penis which is filled with jokes about penises, Nash loudly proclaims that the writer must die.
- The article about the burglar scared by a cat. "They're not coming to rescue you. They're coming to arrest you."
- The chat went nuts because a burglar in one of the stories looked eerily like Bennett the Sage.
- 5/12/13 (And Don't Call Me Shirley): The fact that someone stripped naked after claiming to be a monkey.
- A man called 911 to get Koolaid and drugs (80 times!). Nash's reenactment is hilarious.
- 5/13/13 (Smoke Weed Erryday): The chat beginning a recitation of dozens of nautical-themed euphemisms for A Date with Rosie Palms, bringing both Kyle and Nash to raucous laughter, finishing off with one viewer's simple declaration of, "Master Baiter", sending Nash into a fit.
- 5/20/13 (Catch Me If You Can): Tara spells 'hypocritical' as 'hippocritical'.
- Tara suggests using small children as throwing weapons.
- In an amazing display of timing, Tara's sound quality goes to 'demonic robot' just as she says that she saw a gif of Mr Hands.
- It also kicked back in when she said that she wouldn't say Exterminate (and only that one word).
- Tara springing Disembodied Orgasming Hippo on Nash. The look on his face screamed "I walked right into that one."
- 5/27/13: Tara went robot again, and it got worse.
- The story about a group of medical staff who, for some reason, randomly had an orgy while at work. Nash was flabbergasted, to say the least.
- 6/3/13 (Kindergarten Cop 2: Judgement Day): A story about a naked man who starts shouting "nonsense" leads Nash and Tara to ask what nonsense was he shouting, leading the channel to start shouting Take Thats. These include "The Xbox One is a great system", "Michael Bay is a great director", and Glenn Beck is an intelligent individual".
- 6/17/13 (How Many Licks): A teacher has his/her students write suicide notes inspired by The Secret Life Of Bees. Tara wonders what you do for extra credit?
- A naked man climbs a power transmission tower. Nash can't comprehend this AT ALL.
- Tara threatening to ban the entire chatroom if anyone else mentions the fact that "at least he didn't try and put it in his butt" during the same story.
- 6/24/13 (Mushrooms Are Bad For You): A woman was arrested for impersonating a dentist. Even better? She's the wife of someone who attempted the same thing and was covered on the show.
- 7/1/13 (Headline Mad-Libs): During the story on a mature porn site that offered Paula Deen six figures to represent them, Tara cracked about how they should make it worth it — a video where Deen is sodomized with a buttered-up drumstick. This breaks everyone, from Nash to the audience to Mike, the producer. She then speculates on a hypothetical BDSM porn film that features Paula Deen punishing Fabio for using margarine.
- She follows this up with even more outrageous suggestion in the wrap-up, and describes one site she linked Nash to before that showed a guy playing a drum with one hand and masturbating with the other.
Nash: You're inspiring me to learn how to swallow my own tongue.
- 7/8/13 (Junk in the Junk): The first story has Florida accidentally banning the internet from the entire state.
Nash: So, thank you, Florida. I would like to thank you, and I would like to personally thank Governor Rick Scott for removing Florida from the internet!
Tara: Thank them? We're out of job now.
Nash: *Uproarious laughter*
- Nash and Tara compare their real-life stories of really bad excuses people made to cover up the fact that they were running brothels.
- 7/15/13 (Chronic Ghetto Booty)
Florida story of the week: Man robs gas station after filling job application.
A doctor tells his patient her bad back is the result of "ghetto booty."
- 7/22/13 (Five-Dollar Foot Longs)
A marijuana pipe was found in a Happy Meal. At the end of the show, Nash realizes "Our Happy Meal toys sucked when we were kids!"
- 7/29/13 (The Rare Endangered Dildo): Nash tells the story of how he got accidentally rammed by Anne McCaffrey.
- Nash encourages all his non-white viewers to sign up to the KKK's Neighborhood Watch, just to fuck with their heads.
- A 20-person fight breaks out at a Chuck E. Cheese. One of the chatters wants to know if the ball pit was involved. Later during the recap of the story, Nash wants to know if alcoholic beverages are served at Chuck E. Cheese. When Producer Mike copy pastes a drink menu as evidence that they do, Nash replies "That's a bad plan."
- "I AM THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!"
- 8/12/13 (Two Bongs Don't Make a Right)
I am amazed at how fast she got ALL THE THINGS WRONG!!! Tara: ...
- A drug dealer calls the cops when his stash is stolen. Nash says we learned that the cops are not your referee.
- One of the items is about a fish that mistakes your balls for its favorite snack (meaning nuts). Nash says "Fuck you, nature!" note
- The fact that somewhere out there, there is a summer camp based on The Hunger Games. Apparently not even the journalist could completely believe it.
- 8/19/13: Stick a Fork in 'Im
- The story about the dog that accidentally took its owner's car on a joyride, one highlight being that it managed to make a U-turn in traffic. Tara is pretty amazed.
- 8/26/13: The Ultimate Getaway Car (with Derek The Bard)
- Right out the gate, we learn that the English Language is officially broken. The dictionary has been re-written so that the word "literally" also means "figuratively". Nash loudly proclaims "We broke the language."
- A Winnebago crashes into a tavern in Boring. Of course the headline reads "Winnebago crashes into Boring Tavern." A person in the chatroom proclaims "It's not Boring anymore!"
- Police chase a perp who got away...wait for it...on a mo-ped.
- In Swaziland, a new law was passed fining witches on broomsticks, provided they fly higher than 150 meters. Derek says that'll ruin the next Quidditch game.
- 9/2/13: The Booty's Booty
- Three Words: Screaming. Walk-in. Vagina.
- 9/9/13: That'll Do, Pig
- A pig went on a drunken rampage. There was much rejoicing.
- The escalation of nudity under the influence: a naked man jumping on and rolling off a police car's windshield while high on acid, a naked woman attacking several cars while high on coke and bath salts, a naked woman and man possibly under the influence of ecstasy sparking a fight with their local SWAT team.
- 9/16/13: Take Drugs, Fight a Bear
- A man punches a bear and lives! Tara is worried that her boyfriend might find out.
- There is an outbreak of herpes-infested monkeys in Florida. Tara says this is nature's way of telling Florida "I'm done with you."
- 9/23/13: The No-Pants Dance
- In a story about a woman who threw feces at a cop, Nash berates the reporter for opening with a poop pun while unwittingly making several of his own. Tara is pleased.
- Tara admits that she's never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Nash's eye starts twitching.
- Someone in the chat then comments "burn the witch!" Being uninitiated, Tara's comment is that such an action wouldn't be a proportionate response, before realizing that it is, in fact, a reference to Holy Grail itself.
- The story of a man who can make alcohol in his stomach. There were way too many jokes made to write them all here.
- 9/30/13: Naptime at 30,000 Feet
- 10/7/13: Katamari Dildocy
- "Each week... the computer won't fucking work properly..."
- After a story about a company offering dildos to people affected by the government shutdown, Nash and Kyle remark that "the government shut down" could be exploited as the new "the dog ate my homework".
- Cue Kyle stuttering uncontrollably while trying to come up with a reason for said vibrators...
Ladies and gentlemen, our regular cohost has been replaced with Porky Pig
Kyle: *as Porky Pig* Th-th-the eh vibra-vibra-the vibra-the di-di-dildos...
- Kyle trying to create a backstory to a woman who attacked a slushy machine while naked:
Kyle: Her parents divorced after a terrible fight with a slushy machine... she lost a dog as a child when a slushy machine fell on it... she's not attracted to the slushy machine...
- 10/14/2013: Cop vs Squirrel
- Nash discovers that in one story involving public masturbation, the town was called 'Beaverton' and the man in question's last name is 'Leatherman'.
- Brian quoting The Simpsons, specifically Mr Burns saying 'I've never seen someone take to a Turkish prison so quickly.' Nash is both horrified and laughing very hard.
- The sheer stupidity of the man trying to pass off failing an alcohol test as 'pouring it in his ear to prove Jesus right' caused Brian to get up and walk away after Nash says it's "because science." He then returns a few minutes later:
Nash: I think we broke him already.
- 10/28/13: Real Men Fight the Corn
- The episode opens with Tara in a Batgirl costume, which Nash mistakes for Misfit, which makes her really sad.
- Nash and Tara decide on the ultimate test for a man: Being able to fight through the cornstalks of a corn maze.
- 10/28/13: This is Hookerween 2013
- Adult Robo Chick Robocop Costume
Nash: Who saw Peter Weller with the helmet off, and with the fucking screwed up bald head welded into the metal bit—
Tara: Yeah, that I remember; they just kinda fused his face on to a robot head and it was really weird looking, it kinda looked like the Borg Queen... Only not.
Nash: Who saw that, and said "I want to stick my penis in that thing!" Who saw— WHO DID THAT?!
[Beat. Nash acts as if he's going to raise a counter-argument, but thinks for a few seconds]]
Nash: ...Probably, yeah.
- Also from the Robocop costume, someone in the chat "I'd buy that for a dollar!"
- Nash's rant upon seeing the Sexy Hamburgler costume.
- Nash and Tara go on a sidetracked discussion on why the Hamburlgar was dressed in a prison uniform. "Maybe he's an escaped Hamburglar."
- 11/04/13: Trauma Llama
- Summing up the way a pumpkin pie is made as a lead-up to this joke on criminals trying to smuggle cocaine in pumpkins.
Tara: Man, I don't know what it is, your pumpkin pie's addictive.
- Their entire reaction to the last story. Just...WHY!? "What happens when you dress as a Boston Marathon victim, and post it on Twitter."
- 12/09/13: Mind Bullets
- "Do tin-foil hats protect you from imaginary arrows?"
- Tara states that Microsoft's 'Smart-Bra design is unneeded, stating that bras are already annoying enough without them nagging. Nash responds by asking if it's possible "to have a texting argument with your tits" using the bra.
- When it's revealed that the bra is designed to prevent stress-related eating, one chat member chimes in with "Microsoft's Smart-Bra - calm your tits."
- 12/30/13: Such Money, So Stolen
- There was a story where a man was high on meth, masturbating, and fought off 15 police officers who were tasing him. Nash and Tara were wondering what would happen if a guy were tased in the dick. You can be sure a story about a guy tasing his dick will come up eventually.
- The Clerks references are just golden. "He was tackled by fifteen guys... in a row?"
- A bit of black comedy from Tara at the beginning:
Nash: That shit [the idea that Shia LeBeouf could become a Senator] is fuckin' plausible.
Tara: Well, I know, that's why I'm heavily medicated.
- 1/20/14: Even if its somewhat tearjerking now in hindsight, this episode was funny as hell.
- Politician makes statement on immigration, via blackface.
Justin: And he started the speech by saying "Yo, yo, yo," and ended it by saying "Word."
- Would be carjackers can't drive a stick.
- A would-be thief apparently went to Midvale School for the Gifted
- How nice Canada is when dealing with bomb threats.
Nash: YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!
- Anatomically correct Cubs Mascot.
- Express Checkout beat down!
- Tara gets a sound board. Hilarity Ensues.
- A cow farts, causing a barn to blow up. Tara's response:
Tara: Well, now we can't trust the cows, 'cause Al Qaida.
- A raccoon causes electrical damage by chomping on wires. Cue cries of "Rocket Raccoon=/=Sly Cooper, no!" in chat.
- Later, a toilet blows up, because of a defect. Cue Mythbusters jokes in chat.
- Plus, Nash's idea for a montage of exploding toilets set to the 1812 Overture (or, as Tara suggests, 2001: A Space Odyssey).
- Florida Man Rips Open Bag With Teeth, Eats Cocaine.
- A man is caught dry humping his mailbox in the nude. Nash quickly points out that his mugshot looks like he's going "...why did I do that?"
- It's discovered that a VERY lifelike sculpture of a sleepwalking man dressed only in tightey whities is outside a girls' dorm. Nash is speechless.
- Upon reading the headline, "Crime Dog Actor Sentenced for Pot, Weapons".
Nash: I would not think those two things would normally go together...
Nash: Cause when I'm- when you're
on pot you don't want weapons.
Tara: Nice editing.
- 3/17/14: "The Wonderful World of Arson"
- Tara finally has the kitten on the show. The chat responds accordingly
- The Douchequake manifests in real life, without Nash's prompting!note
- 4/28/14: "The Eight Inch Floppies of the Apocalypse"
- Tara is repeated distracted by her kitty trying to steal her headphones. At one point, the two have a tug of war on camera while Nash tries valiantly to power through.
- The last story. Victoria's Secret Compartment done very, very wrong.
- 6/2/14: "The Conductor of the Poop Truck":
Tara: I hope you're not talking about literal horrible shit.
- Tara makes Nash walk out of the room with one simple question: "What's StarCraft?" And even after he comes back, the chatroom keeps yelling at her for a while.
- 6/23/14: "Red Bull Gives You Madness":
- The video opens with Nash apologizing for the worse than usual video quality (due to streaming remotely from Manchester, England) by hitting himself in the head repeatedly with a skillet.
- On a story about people smuggling human skeletons hidden within teddy bears:
- 6/30/14: "If You Give a Lion a Cookie":
- A woman jumps the barrier at a zoo to feed a lion a cookie. Tara says, "Mmm. Dinner brought dessert!"
- 7/21/14: "Serial Pooper Task Force"
- Nash tells a story about a time a friend's young kid came running up to him, punched him in the junk, and proceeded to claim "I'm Batman!".
- During the final portion of the show, Tara's kitty Bridget suddenly decides to run around the room like a bat out of hell. At random intervals. Nash loves this.
- Nash laments that the term "serial pooper" has to exist in society, but Tara finds a silver lining:
Nash: [makes a horrified expression]
Tara: Maybe it should be a Cocoa Puffs box.
- 7/28/14: Alison Pregler and Brad Jones co-host the show from Nash's studio with him and Tara for the 14th anniversary. Brad's barrage of snarky one-liners just brought the house down.
- Seeing Alison's reactions to past stories like the women who hid guns in their vaginas, and I think Brad has inspiration for his next movies.
- 8/4/14: Tara's webcam mic glitches at the very beginning, causing loud robotic noises to emanate whenever she tries to speak. Nash reacts amazingly, comparing it to the sounds the Zylons make in the vintage Atari game Star Raiders.
- When further glitches cause Tara's call to be dropped twice, Nash speculates that Bridget the cat is downloading porn.
- 8/11/14: Nash points out that over a million people tuned in to watch the Fish Plays Pokemon stream.
Tara: You know what that means. We need a fish.
- 9/8/14: "A Link to the Crash"
- After coving the story where fake links to nude celeb photos crash New Zealand's internet:
Wow, those were some lonely Hobbits
. I mean, all the elves went into the west, what were they supposed to look at now?
- Nash's reaction to the crashing is to point at the camera and laugh hysterically.
- Tara has an amusing Malaproper moment when she mistakenly says focaccia instead of facacta (or farkakte, basically Yiddish for "fucked up").
Tara: ...it's a little focaccia, you know?
Tara: I don't know why I just said focaccia, that's a kind of bread.
- At one point Nash brings up the Star Wars prequels, and Tara interrupts him to describe a weird Star Wars dream she had. It begins "So me, Padme, and my nieces were on this boat going through this icy river..." and gets weirder from there. Nash just sits there looking bewildered.
Nash: ...what just happened?
- 9/15/14: "Super-Size Embalming With Fries":
- Another great Tara quote:
We're the 'can you fuck it' version of Mythbusters
- 9/22/14 - "iDiot": There's a device that allows you attach your iPad to your face to experience virtual reality. It makes you look like this.
Tara: We're in the wrong line of work, man. We make people look like idiots for free!
- Tara questions the fact that the photos for the device were taken outside.
Nash: No, you see, he's got the iPad on his face, he's got the camera app running, *Nash starts cracking up* so he can see the world in virtual reality!'
- 10/06/14: Nash, with Todd filling in for Tara, cover a story about a man who stole a bouncy castle and put it up in his yard.
Nash: Todd? Todd, are you gonna be on the show next week?
: No (Beat
) Not next week. These things take time.
- 10/20/14: Nash says that given the detail of reporting about the guy who humped a My Little Pony doll, someone was obviously observing this, so he asks why didn't he intervene. Tara asks "would you?", which leaves him quiet and making him seriously contemplate his answer.
- 11/10/14: The Evil Stick. Everyone in the chat was expecting another appearance of it on the Bootlegs Zone.
- 11/17/14: Upon hearing the news that there is a "stupidity virus", Tara realizes that the show could be used for research.
Nash: Like, the CDC pouring over my archives going: "We have to find Patient Zero! Where is he?!"
Nash (as other scientist): "Well, apparently he's in Florida somewhere, sir!"
Tara: We're doing important work! We're tracking the decline! They're gonna make bronze statues of us! (Beat) And then draw dicks on them."
- 12/1/14: Talking about a tendency of bad things to happen over and over:
Nash: Remember the guy who stole an ambulance?
Tara: Which one?
- "Shock The Monkey": A man with the same name as Sean Connery's character in Highlander attempts to burn down a church, claiming he is Jesus. Nash and Patros decide that this is something Sean Connery would actually do.
- Petros telling the story of when he overdosed on medication in Las Vegas on his 24th birthday, and asked a policeman to "take [him] to the boobies".
- When discussing the titular story (an abandoned pet monkey got hyped up on chocolate in France, and had to be tased), Nash imitates how he thinks the monkey's previous owner acted, producing some kind of accent between Inspector Clouseau and Tommy Wiseau.
Nash: "Fuck you, monkey! I don't want you anymore!"
- Nash's recurring tale of getting so drunk he thought he was Jesus is topped by Petros. Petros got so drunk he woke up in another country. Twice. First Wales, then Scotland.
- 2/3/15: SUMMON THE BEEKEEPER!!
Nash: Gwyneth Paltrow —
Tara: Oh, God.
- 2/9/15 (The Hugh Hefner Redemption):
- On the story of Iggy Azalea's number getting leaked by a Papa John's delivery driver, Tara has a question: If she's "so fancy", why is she ordering from Papa John's?
- Tara's entire story of how much of a pain it is to get her nephew to do his grammar homework, especially the part where he "accidentally" drew on it.
- 2/16/15 (50 Shades of Blue Cross) - Tara is actually impressed (briefly) by a drunk driver's plan to pour water on the road to make it look like the damage to his car was caused by ice on the road:
Tara: For drunk off your ass planning, that's pretty good.