Tara: Can naked people stop trying to eat people in Florida, please? Why do I have to say that? Why do I have to say that?
Nash: Welcome to my world!
Nash: The headline has two of my favourite words together.
Tara: "Naked rampage"?
Nash: Oh, Tara, you know me so well.
— "Live: Deja Vu (and Monkeys, Too)"
The Trousers Cosmic: We shall not allow this! You shall not thwart us! Your time has come!
Space Guy: Not so fast! Did you honestly think the good and moral people of Space would simply sit by and allow this?! I'm here to stop you!
The Trousers Cosmic: You propose nothing in the sight of the Trousers Cosmic! Just how do you possibly think you can defeat us?
Space Guy: I'll tell you how! I will rise up with all of my power, all of my technology, all my intellect... and call bullshit!
The Trousers Cosmic and Nash: (simultaneously) What?
Space Guy: Bullshit. I mean... what the fuck is this? You're fucking pants. Pants from space. What the fuck?
The Trousers Cosmic: Buh... wuh... We are the Trousers Cosmic. We are—
Space Guy: You're fucking denim is what you are. Seriously. This is bullshit. This is absolutely stupid.
The Trousers Cosmic: We... have long been in—
Space Guy: Yes, yes, "long been lying in wait", "been here for ages", blah blah blah. You have Googly Eyes. You can buy them from a goddamn Walmart.
The Trousers Cosmic: I uh... well... they were... on sale... we, uh—
Space Guy: No no no, shut it. There is no way in mathematics to express how little of a fuck I actually give. You are pants; you are not "nemesis material". Lord Vyce, there's a nemesis. Doctor Insano! Sub-Zero! The Devil! The Angry Video Game Nerd fought the actual fucking Devil! Are you more badass than the Devil?
The Trousers Cosmic: (mumbles) ...no.
Space Guy: I'm sorry, I, uh, didn't catch that. What was that?
The Trousers Cosmic: No!
Space Guy: Goddamn right, "no"! Now get your Lane Bryant ass out of here and find yourself an appropriate web series! Try that Fred fuckwit, you're about his speed.
The Trousers Cosmic: You... er... haven't heard the last of—
Space Guy: Ah, no, shut the fuck up!
The Trousers Cosmic:...
Space Guy: Just go!
The Trousers Cosmic: Just, uh... just shut it off.
Space Guy: And you! You're lucky I got here before the commentors on the site responded to this nonsense and flamed your fat butt back to YouTube! (beat) Say thank you!
Nash: Uh, what the f—
Space Guy: SAY THANK YOU!
Nash: THANK YOU!
Space Guy: Damn right!
The Trousers Cosmic: Little do they know that in time, we shall return and—
Space Guy: NO.
The Trousers Cosmic: FUCK!
— "Begging the Question"
Tara: Do you really... do you think there's authority figures waiting on public transportation to sodomize people, Nash? Is that what you think it's like in major cities?
Nash: Have you been through the TSA?
Tara: Yes! I have been through it many times.
Nash (talking over her): You wanna talk about Deliverance? You wanna talk about fuckin' Deliverance?
Tara: And I can tell you, in all my travels, and I have traveled with, like, an invalid ID and a trick lighter in my bag by accident and gotten a special screening, they do not just have people sitting by, waiting lethally to sodomize random citizens! That's not a thing that happens in reality!
— "Live: You Obviously Like Owls"
Nash: In some ways, the Olympics are like a family gathering. While most are content to just enjoy the festivities, there's always that one cousin who decides to shoot, fuck and swallow the Christmas turkey whole. In that order. (beat)
Voiceover!Oancitizen: So, how far is it?
Nash: (shrugs, gets a "Eureka!" expression, and then holds up a globe)
Voiceover!Oancitizen: Well, this is France. And this is America.
Nash: (points at the various places as Oan speaks)
Voiceover!Oancitizen: And the difference between them is approximately too fucking far to swim, you unreconstructed moron.
Nash: (looks confused, and then looks progressively more upset as Oan continues)
Voiceover!Oancitizen: Why, any sane man would question if your mother had any children that lived! You likely don't have the sense that God gave a weed-whacker. I'd explain in better detail, but you're likely too busy trying to have sex with a farm animal. Does that answer your question?
Nash: (nods and looks even more depressed)
— "Dumber Than Curling"
Nash: The point is, if you toddle off down the sidewalk in nothing but your foreskin and try to make small talk with a kindergartener and you don't expect someone to react with a can of fuck-your-couch, then my question to you is this: Did you do ALL the drugs or did you save any for the rest of us?
— "Deep Hurting"
Nash: Now, that's not to say that regret is always a bad thing. The very act of wishing that we could have done something different gives us a mean to measure our past actions and avoid repeating them. Except, there is one segment of humankind who live by the motto, 'If at first you don't succeed, go and fuck a horse.' And that's what we're looking at today—the folks for whom regret is not a lesson, it's a blueprint.
— "Regret at Leisure"
Hope: Packages? So, that's, that's cold, right there. Don't stuff that—it's cold, it's wet and it's a dead bird, don't put that in your pants.
Nash: I'm probably thinking, we're—let's be generous and say—
Hope: Your cock does not need the company, he doesn't need a harem.
Hope: Keep the chicken out of your pants.
— "Live: Naked Robot Attack"
Nash: So we've learned that, and yeah, finally, most importantly, your dead pets are not aircrafts!
Tara: Oh, no, just... if you really, really feel the need to taxidermy your pets and be that creepy person, fine, I guess, but you know, don't shove a battery pack up Fluffy's ass and make her levitate. That's not OK!
Nash: That's not... Jesus.
— "Live: Baby Not On Board"
Hope: What would they... what would they strip? You could put little collars and tutus on them and they'd try to get them off frantically—
Tara: I mean, have you ever put any kind of clothing on a cat? Priority one is getting that shit off. Especially if you, like, tie something around their tail...
Tara: So, you could totally make this happen. You could put any kind of clothes on a cat, throw some catnip in the mix and put them out there and you're gonna have a fuckin' show and I think we should open it, it's a great idea.
Hope: Lay down a line of catnip, put a tutu and booties on the cat, and then put it out there, play some hardcore oonts-oonts music and they'll be lying around... yes!
Tara: We need to make this happen.
Nash: (has been following this exchange looking aghast and staring at both of them in turn) WHAT THE FUCK?
Hope: And you could pay them in salmon!
Tara: You know what’s gonna hurt you more is, your chat has answers. They're all "Well, it depends on the stuffing" and "you can modify the bear in certain ways, like...". These people know. You've got teddy-bear fuckers watching you right—your show right now, Nash.
Nash: GET THE FUCK OUT!
Tara: And you know at least one of them fucked a Teddy Ruxpin so they could hear it talk.
Nash: GET THE FUCK OUT!
Tara: "Call me daddy, Teddy Ruxpin, call me daddy!"
Nash: GET THE FUCK OUT!
Tara: "Tell me a story, Teddy Ruxpin!" Yeah.
— "Live: Nudestravaganza!"
Nash: You know what would have solved this entire problem? Not sticking your penis in a donkey!
Tara: That would solve a lot of problems.
Nash: Problem solved!
— "Live: Curse of the Weredonkey"
Nash: Let's hit our first story! It's a tale of forbidden love that rivals some of the greatest romance stories ever told! Well, if anyone ever wrote a romance where a guy fucks a picnic table, that is.
— "That Doesn't Go There"
Nash: You ever had a problem with a coworker?
Tara: (laughs) Yeah, once or twice. They're all dead.
Nash: You shouldn't joke, considering this story. You normally have procedures for handling such things, right?
Nash: OK. Um, do those procedures include hitmen, by chance?
Tara: Not officially.
— "Live: More Cushion For the Pushin'"
Tara: Dead snakes don't broadcast CNN! I don't care what liquid you put them in. If dead snakes and liquid could give you cable, I'd have a bucket of dead snakes right now!
Nash: I take that as a challenge.
Tara: Well, you let me know how that goes for you.
Tara: I'm sorry, and my childhood's fucked up?
Nash: This—I wasn't around for this, this was my dad!
Tara: My father never blew anything the fuck up! I mean, yes, he set a dog's ass on fire once, but that was an accident.
— "Live: Give Granny a Kiss"
Tara: I didn't break him. The dolphin-fucker broke him. I take no responsibility for the actions of a dolphin-fucker.
— "Live- They Call Him Flipper"
Nash: I can't believe that we're having to read a serious news article with the words "Booty call ninjas"!
Tara: I'm gonna start a white girl rap group called Booty Call Ninjas, and it's gonna be amazing.
Nash: (after explaining the story) What happened here?!
Hope: In his defense, "booty call ninjas" is a perfectly accurate description of what he was attacked by!
Tara: It's true.
Nash: Who attacks someone with nunchucks in 2011? Honestly!
Tara: Who throws a shoe? Honestly!
Hope: She didn't have a toilet with her, man!
Tara: It's really hard to be a stealthy ninja with a toilet, OK?
— "Live: Booty Call Ninjas"
Nash: My producer has clown porn. Hit him up, if you're interested!
— "Live: Corpses, Clowns and French Fries"
Tara: No, I respect their life choice. And I respect these people's life choice to fuck on a waterslide if they want to!
— "Live: Gooey Hot Pockets"
Nash: I can't think of any situation in a McDonald's where a gun is an appropriate response!
Justin: Never. Never.
Hope: Hash browns...
Nash: Unless Ronald McDonald himself turns up, 'cause he is creepy as shit.
— "Live: A Whiter Bajingo"
Nash: You're bonding over people shoving things in their butt!
Kyle: This is what we do. We bond over weird things, [Hope] and I.
Nash: This is unnerving. I... uh... OK.
— "Live: Hand-Carved Phallus"
Nash: You have an interesting idea of what constitutes "gold".
Tara: Hey, Mike agreed with me!
Nash: Mike sent me a gimp suit!
— "Live: Black Friday Follies"
Nash: A monkey with a hippo up its ass. What do you call that, Roseanne Barr? note
Nash: I don't feel right, commenting on a fight over a latex penis.
Tara: I feel that again, we have to go over a little thing called "proportionate response".
— "Live: Aim for the Head"
Nash: And while I'm tempted to look at this man and see the face of evil, it's a little difficult due to the gigantic ass of stupid!
— "Good & Evil"
Tara: God doesn't want you to wreck people's shit, I don't think, like, that's not really a productive way of doing God's work.
Tara: Can we talk about the damn kids today?
Nash: By all means.
Tara: Back in my day. Back in the fuckin' stone-age when I was a kid in the nineties, we didn't have cellphones! You didn't get to text your friends you couldn't... like, you had to use your parents' phone, which was attached to the wall and had a cord to call your friends. Like, a cellphone is not a fuckin' right, damn whippersnappers (...) who ya gonna call? Don't say Ghostbusters, I swear to God I will reach through the internet and slap you.
— "Live: Potty Emergency"
Tara: People are asking me, "What's moving behind you?" That's Santa. I kidnapped him so I could get a hippo for Christmas. I told you I could afford chloroform!
— "Live: The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"
Tara: If you’re gonna do naked cheesecake Hitler, he’d better be missing a ball.
Nash: Just saying. Otherwise it’d be disrespectful.
Nash: Why don't we get back into our wheelhouse, and away from the semen? How many times can we say "semen" on the show tonight?
Tara: We have anything about guys in the Navy?
Nash: No, no.
Tara: Wait, how is semen not in our wheelhouse?
Nash: We're more of the... uh... yeah, you're right.
Tara: It's a natural extension! Like, it's gonna get to the point where naked crazy is no longer enough for this bit, and it's gonna have to be ejaculate crazy! It's gonna have to be, some crazy fucker ran around naked, went on a rampage, wrecked seventeen cars and then jacked off on each and every one of them, in order to make it on this show!
— "Live: Poop-Type Pokémon"
Nash: Argh! Your dick is not a speed-bump!
— "Live: Nudes on Ice"
Tara: There are still states where a man can't marry a man and a woman can't marry a woman, but this bitch can marry a building! Welcome to America.
— "Live: Naked by Possession"
Nash: Um, we'd like to express our concern, there's a guy dressed as Marilyn Monroe blowing priests in the back. We're concerned about this.
— "Live: All Aboard the Windex Express!"
Nash: And it's a circumcised penis, no less!
Tara: Yeah, balls and all.
Nash: And yeah, he's right with God, that snow penis is right with the Lord, so, you know, OK...
Tara: As long as it's Jewish.
Tara: If you have to use an illicit substance, use a time-tested illicit substance! Go with the classics. You don't gotta be a fuckin' hipster about it. You don't gotta discover the awesome new indie drug no-one's even heard of yet! Take off your fucking fedora and do some heroin!
— "Live: Stop, Drop & Jerk"
Nash: That is the happiest donkey-fucker I have ever seen in my life!
— "Live: The Hard-Packed Snow"
Nash: I have taken a stand on several things — not always wisely, not always sensibly, mainly involving me screaming "FUCK!" a whole bunch — but I have never taken a stand with my penis!
— "Live: Frequent Foolish Miles"
Tara: There is no excuse to be having a naked sword-fight with your girlfriend unless you are shooting a porn version of Kill Bill!
Nash: Now, look, I've had fights with my girlfriends-
Tara: Which I might actually watch...
— "Live: It's Like a Puppy"
Nash: Can you focus on the guy with meat in his pants, please? I can't believe I had to say that.
— "Live: Don't Mess with the Amish"
Nash: Yes, because that's exactly what we want young boys and grown men doing together in bathrooms: engaging in contests with their dicks! What the fuck is wrong with you?
— "Land of the Rising DUMB"
Tara: Hire a hitman like everyone else! You don't fucking ask young children to kill people! [...] There's more than one way to skin a grandma, is all I'm saying. And none of them should involve a seven-year-old!
Tara: Are we trying to apply logic to the thinking of a person who dove on the hood of a patrol car and screamed that he needed more cocaine? Are we trying—are we—are we saying that this person should have had the forethought to go "I could have a 51-inch TV"? I don't think this is a person who was thinking rationally at any time during this day.
Tara: If you need to shoot yourself in the cervix to get off, you've been doing porn way too long.
Nash: Guns don't kill people! Guns in vaginas kill people!
— "Live: Snowflame Feels No Pants"
Tara: How does a microwave get haunted, I wonder?
— "Live: Red Hot Toowoomba"
Tara: I know we always say that your vagina is not a purse, but conversely, your purse is not a vagina. You don't need to lube up your purse to put your wallet in there.
Nash and Hope: Maybe she couldn't get her keys in!
— "Live: The Secret Canine Jihad"
Tara: That's why zombies need to stop, 'cause we already live in a zombie movie, except instead of zombies, it's idiots.
— "Live: The Five Second Rule"
Nash: You know, mankind has many defining characteristics — religion, politics, artistic endeavor, sexual deviancy, sexual deviancy disguised as artistic endeavor... I'm looking at you, Battlestar Galactica.
Nash: That would be all well and good, if we reserved conflict for matters of the highest importance. Unfortunately, people are made of stupid.
Nash: Look, when it's you versus a tazer, the fact that you have testicles is not going to decide things in your favor.
— "War Never Changes"
Tara: I don't like people any more.
Nash: (applauding) Yay!
Tara: I just—I just don't.
— "Live: My Beautiful Balloon"
Tara: Be creative! If you're going to be an asshole, be a creative asshole. Don't half-ass your assholery! It's insulting.
Nash: So... they had to use their whole ass to be an asshole? See what I did there?
Nash: Oh God, I'm imagining some poor bastard trying to stick fifty-three King Cobras up his ass.
— "Live: I Hate You, Milkman Dan"
Nash: You cannot escape your own genitalia!
— "The Megastream: Q&A with Lewis"
Nash: When in Rome, you don't try to put the Romans in the gas chambers, do you know what I'm saying?
Nash: You're allowed to believe any damn thing you want, that's the beauty of America, but we are allowed to believe that you're a fucking idiot, and respond accordingly.
— "Live: Kindergarten Cop 2: Judgement Day"
Nash: This is what happens when idiots write laws! They have now outlawed brains! Florida has made having a brain illegal!
Tara: But beastiality's still legal.
Nash: But beastiality, yes. You can fuck a donkey, but you can't think in Florida!
Tara: Well, yes. You act like we didn't know that already.
— "Live: Junk in the Junk"
Tara: If a man can't shampoo his balls on the bus, then what have we become?
— "Live: That'll Do, Pig"
Nash: "Firefighters came to the rescue of a man after he got his penis stuck in a toaster—" I'm sorry, I have to say that again. Penis stuck in a toaster!
— "Live: Katamari Dildocy"
Tara: I don't think you should be letting your children go to bed with an inflatable anything.
Nash: Yeah, no, that's probably not a good idea.
Tara: That's how they'll end up pregnant at twelve.
Nash: (flabbergasted) Did I just miss a page?
Nash: (sceptical eyebrow raise)
Tara: First you get them the inflatable sleeping-with toys, and then they get totally promiscuous and then they're pregnant at twelve!
Nash: Yeah, I missed a page. How does the— (resorts to gestures)
Tara: What are inflatable toys that you take to bed usually for?
Nash: Well, this one doesn't have any holes!
Tara: I was making a joke, dammit, try to keep up!
Nash: This one doesn't have any holes!
Tara: Are we sure?
— "Live: Naptime at 30,000 Feet"
Brian: And then, uh, anyone who engages in homosexual acts can be thrown in prison for up to ten years, and I just, all I can hear is Mr Burns saying, *affects a Mr Burns-ish voice* "I've never seen anyone take to a Turkish prison so quickly", and—
Nash: Ahahahahahaha— Jesus Christ, Brian! BRIAN! God damn it!
Brian: That's not my view on homosexuals at all, but just, there's a Simpsons quote for anything.
— "Live: Cop vs. Squirrel"
Tara: Like, question one of anyone on the Internet is, "How can I fuck it?"
—>— "Live: Car Nuts"