"I'm not a fighter. I'm not an adventurer or a thief or a treasure hunter. I am a librarian! Hidden amongst the stacks of the greatest library in the world, there are many secrets to be found..."
Derek the Bard is the keeper of the greatest library in the world. Here, he shares his findings from the bottom of the stacks, reviewing strange, odd, and awful novels.Can be found here on Reviewtopia, and on Geekvision.
Apparently being bitten by nuclear snakes means the venom from the snakes bonds to one's T-cells and alters their genetics so they turn into snakes with whole brains and scales and everything. Oh, Curse II.
Author Filibuster: Monsters. The plot is blah blah blah US foreign policy blah blah immigration blah blah blah. Oh, and somewhere in the background, there are Cthulhu elephants wrecking Mexico, but that's not important.
And a couple of different Lantern oaths—the classic Green Lantern oath in episode 19, the Red Lantern oath in episode 20
Badass in a Nice Suit: The Shadow, the Spider. And Shewan Khan, who shows up later wearing the exact same suit.
Bad Santa: Sinterklaas in Sint... who is not a kindly bishop with punisher-elves following him around, but a violent zombie pirate who beheads people with his crozier. And has zombie pirate punisher-elves following him around.
Battle Couple: The Spider and his wife (later nicknamed the Black Widow).
Beardof Evil: This is what happens to the werewolf characters in Wolf—they grow really furry mutton-chops and beards, rather than turning into real wolves.
Berserk Button: Damaged library books; stupid weaknesses; people trying to steal from, infiltrate, or otherwise harm the Library; Adaptation Decay; ridiculous gadgets in spy movies; deus ex machina abuse; lazy writing; random katanas
"HEY DEREK GUESS WHAT" Just...try saying it to him. Go ahead. I'll be over here, laughing.
Don't trash information science! It's just as SCIENCEY as any other science!
Early on, he had a two-part vlog of the anti-G20 protests that came to Toronto. Part 2 begins with a 8 1/2 minute long rant against the Black Bloc protesters who caused chaos and broke store windows.
Fantastically Indifferent: The title character in The Asylum's Sherlock Holmes. Dinosaur attack? Sure, whatever. Dead brother mysteriously come back to life as a mad scientist villain? Huh, fancy that. Robot woman who turns into a bomb intend on blowing up the palace? Huh.
Field Promotion: Johnny Rico in Starship troopers—from a private to a lieutenant in one battle!
Funwith Subtitles: The subtitles and dubbing of Sint are hilariously inconsistent with each other, sometimes even from line to line between both editions, which is why the Bard had both English dubbing and subtitles on for this movie.
Fur Against Fang: A fairly common feature of some of the novels he reviews. He also comments that this is becoming something of a genre on its own.
Gag Dub: Since Tim Curry's dialogue in The Shadow is so clunky, the Bard replaces it with dialogue/songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Generic Guy: G-8, who has little personality and little backstory and a very small supporting cast, is a somewhat less emotionally-investing character than the other pulp heroes of the time.
Apparently the rest of G-8's world is populated by such generic men that anyone on the planet can be mistaken for him easily!
Glass Cannon: Sinterklaas' zombie minions in Sint can silently sneak up and cut veteran SWAT officers in half, but you can apparently bring them down by tapping them with a stick. They're very breakable.
I Love Nuclear Power: The only reason given for the mutant snakes biting people and turning them into mutant snakes is... because some people in Arizona were setting nuclear weapons off underground. Yeah.
Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy/A-Team Firing: In The Shadow, upon hearing someone coming across a bridge, the bad guys fire wildly into the air, at everything, including lamps and the street. They aren't even trying to shoot the Shadow. They just hear someone coming and start shooting lamps.
Instant Expert: The anime version of Kim Kinnison suddenly and randomly goes from "regular guy" to "ninja" in the space of about two scenes.
Interspecies Romance: Inhumanoids' Primal Passion episode features this three times: Metlar/Statue of Liberty (no, really), D'Compose/a transformed Sandra, and Tendryll attempting to get his mack on with a Tendryll robot piloted by a human woman.
Katanas Are Just Better: One of the Bard's pet peeves. Dante Valentine in Working for the Devil and Johnny in Edison Death Machine randomly had them for no reason.
Kill It with Fire: The only thing zombie Santa fears is fire, so Gurt attacks him with a flamethrower.
Kindhearted Cat Lover: Derek's cat (Kitteh, short for Kit-Kat) occasionally cameos on his show for one reason or another.
Knife Nut: The Bard has a gigantic dagger as a letter-opener and shows it off in the Let's Read.
Kung-Fu Jesus: Subverted in Lamb. Balthasar attempts to teach Jesus kung-fu, but Jesus refuses to hit anybody and instead creates Jew-do, a martial art based entirely on dodging and apologizing profusely.
La Résistance: Operator 5's agency fights against invading Nazis. IN AMERICA.
Large Ham: God bless Matt Frewer's insatiable appetite for the scenery!
Laughing Mad: The Bard's Sanity Juice is great! *insane giggle*
Let's Read: His title card artist sent him a mystery book in a package and asked him to review it, in one single continuous take, on camera.
In Wolf: Making up random superpowers for Jack Nicholson's character. "SHADOW-FIGHTING OF THE MONGOOSE!" "CANNIBALISM OF THE MAN!" "SKEEVINESS OF THE PERVERT!" "VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER OF THE HIPPOPOTAMUS!"
I'm not sure this joke is funny anymore.
Sarcasm Mode: Bard's pretend-crying at Gary Kinnison's death in SF Shinseiki Lensman.
Savingthe Orphanage: Part of the Joes' mission in Once Upon a Joe is fixing up an orphanage after it's been burned to the ground by Cobra. Because Cobra is just that evil.
Scaled Up: The creatures bitten by the snakes in Curse II, whose hand turns into a snake... along with the rest of him later.
Side Effects Include...: The Bard's Sanity Juice (the crystal skull vodka) has side effects which include crippling muscle spasms, hair loss, flatulence, upset stomach, diarrhea, and impotence. Aside from that, it works great and he's 100% crazy-free! *insane giggle*
Sitcom Archnemesis: The Bard mentions Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla as having this kind of relationship in Atomic Robo.
Robo and Stephen Hawking also have this kind of relationship.
Spam Attack/Beam Spam: The Ghostbusters in "Ain't NASA-carily So" fail to use their proton packs to capture the shogg—er, ghost. So they just spam MORE proton beams at it and that works better. Somehow.
Spikesof Villainy: Everything Rita Repulsa is described as wearing in The Bumble Beast is "pointy" in some way, from her hat to the sleeves of her dress.
Spider-Sense: Toxie has one, both in the Toxic Avenger film and the Toxic Crusaders cartoon. In the latter, this is explained by something called "Tromatons."
Spooky Seance: Or maybe not so spooky, considering the hippie valley-girl medium with the giant crazy 80s hair in Witchboard.
Spot of Tea: During the Soulless review. He's been terribly wrought over this whole affair!
Super Senses: The spirit of the wolf grants all kinds of enhanced senses in Wolf, including telescopic vision, vastly-enhanced sense of smell, and super-hearing. The Bard lumps them all under Bravestarr's various animal superpowers.
Technobabble: There's a lot in Galactic Patrol, and the Bard gamely tries to explain it to everyone.
There's a scene in Trollhunter where a troll doctor tries to explain why trolls turn into stone when hit with sunlight. It's an incoherent explanation involving vitamin D in their veins.
Technopathy: Apparently the power of some of the more minor characters in Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light. They don't have magic spells like the main cast, but they can power ancient Lost Technology.
Unusual Euphemism: Cthulhu's "Jesus fucking Space Christ!" and Innis' "Sweet slippery Sinestro!"
From Witchboard: "If only he had remembered to keep his ouija in his pants!"
Unusually Uninteresting Story: "Robert" Holmes seems to take the sailor's story about a robot kraken attack on a treasury ship remarkably easily and does not question it even once.
Everything in Toxic Crusaders is an Unusually Uninteresting Sight. No one really seems to notice or care that Dr Killemoff is eight feet tall, has four arms, a gas mask, and a giant machine strapped to his back... and no one really remarks on the other Hideously Deformed Creatures of Superhuman Size And Strength, either!
Even Toxie himself does this. "Oh, apparently, my mop is alive."
While Sinterklaas is chasing Frank during Sint, his horse is shot and crashes through the roof of somebody's condo. The two occupants within stand at a bar drinking nonchalantly, look at the crashed zombie pirate Sinterklaas and dead horse, and merely comment "I thought we weren't celebrating St Nicholas this year?" This is utterly unexplained.
Wunza Plot: The Bard describes Deja Thoris' and John Carter's romance as thus: "Suddenly he wants to fuck her brains out. Of course, that also might be because she's a porn star, and he's an underwear model..."
Yellow Peril: G-8 and his Battle Aces fly the Skies of Yellow Death, and by that we mean they fight evil racist stereotypes of Chinese people.