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- The opening of his "Where No Man Has Gone Before" review after Kirk asks Spock if he means ESP as in Extra Sensory Perception: "No captain, they were looking for ESPN for the scores on... OF COURSE IT'S EXTRA SENSORY PERCEPTION YOU STUPID HUMAN!"
- "Anyway what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Kelso."
- "The department heads, including "Hot Lips" Houlihan, has come to study the crews reactions in space and Gary Mitchell being the enlightened 23rd century guy that he is, hits on her in front of everyone"
- "Acronyms can be confusing. I once heard of someone commenting on the climactic battle with the octopus monster at the at the end of POTC 2, which is confusing as hell when the speaker means Pirates of the Caribbean and you're thinking The Passion of the Christ! And you don't know how much I wanted to see the sequel where Jesus battles the Kraken." and then right after words "Kirk is still concerned there could be such a thing, the ESP thing not the Jesus Kraken thing."
- From "Mudd's Women":(Black screen, no background music) Welcome to the start of our big three-week look at Harry Mudd. Yes, all three episodes, such a grand enterprise that when I hinted at its coming, it was suggested that it would be coming in March and be called "March Mudd-ness." Ha ha, please. I hope you all know me better than that by now, so sit back, relax, and enjoy (a starfield appears along with the dramatic music from the Previously On segment of the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode "The Best of Both Worlds Part II") Holy Guaca-Mudd-ly (a block letter version of this title swoops across the starfield in emulation of the opening credits to the first Superman film) SF Debris presents (these words along with the rest of the sentence are in the form of the Star Wars title crawl) A Mudd-Summer Night's Dream Harry Mudd Mudd-athon! (the music reaches a climax, the next sentence appears backed by converging diamonds) It's not the heat, it's the hu-Mudd-ity!
- Keeping track of Kirk's arousal level throughout "What Are Little Girls Made of?". It even goes up when a woman slaps him.
- Also, making a list of things Kirk would screw, leading to a song, and adding carousel music to the android duplication device scene.
- From "Miri":
- "The James T. Kirk approach. If a punch in the face didn't solve your problem, you must have done it wrong, so try again."
- In "The Menagerie":
- After being told the Talosians were forced underground "thousands of centuries ago".Chuck: Some went underground, and some became cyborgs with a hive mind and left. You'll probably never see them again.
- The merciless heckling of the Starbase secretary inexplicably being played as The Ditz. "I know outside! It's so big!"
- The Doctor Who reference:Chuck: When he [Pike] returns to reality Vina is with him in his cage. Oh, puzzling, exciting stuff, wouldn't you... (Cut to the present-day Pike slumped in his wheelchair, unresponsive) Captain? Captain!? Yo, Davros! Wakey-wake, trial at stake-ey!
- After being told the Talosians were forced underground "thousands of centuries ago".
- From "The Conscience of the King":
- His list of subjects not shown respect: Whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos, Indians, men, women, straights, gays, bis, the religious, the agnostic, the atheist, the left, the right, the center, the apathetic, consumerism, communism, socialism, fascism, Obama, PM Cameron, his wife Nick Clegg, the Hawkman, the Cyberman, the tall man, Saruman, Batman, Beltran, Baldwin, and Berman.
- Drunk McCoy. "I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of booze..."
- And later:Spock: Doctor, this reeks of gin, and all you've done is drawn a giant penis on it.
- [After Kirk has just found Layton] "He's dead, me."
- From "Balance of Terror":
- As Spock delivers the Exposition Dump:Spock (real dialogue): As you may recall from your histories, this conflict was fought by our standards today with primitive atomic weapons—
Spock (real dialogue): —and in primitive space vessels.
Spock (Chuck): Led by a collection of mentally disturbed, intellectually challenged apes, whose basic inability to function is an endless source of shame for Starfleet even today.
Archer: HE—! (beat) Okay, I'll give you that one.
- When the first Romulan is revealed:
- As Spock delivers the Exposition Dump:
- From "Shore Leave": When highlighting a conversation between Spock and Kirk about "a crewman" who refuses shore leave and how his accumulated stress could negatively impact performance, Kirk says this:Kirk: That man will go ashore on my orders. What's his name?
Spock: James Kirk.
Chuck (as Kirk): Never heard of him!
- From "Arena":
- When the dying guy says he didn't actually see anything. Kirk says, "Oh, well, don't sweat it if he bites it, Bones."
- Chuck's red shirt joke involves counting down to when the red shirt dies, and saying that you can set a watch by these guys.
- Turns out, Kirk has a case of blue balls, literally. Chuck's not too proud to make that joke.
- From "Court Martial":
- After it was stated that Kirk won the conspicuous gallantry, it creates the mental image of Kirk going out into the battlefield wearing a clown costume in Chuck's mind.
- When Kirk talks about how the dangers of heading into an ion storm is common knowledge, Chuck can't help but get a shot in at Archer:Chuck: This makes me laugh every time, because I always think of that stupid "I learned this from my dad!" thing that Archer said back in "Broken Bow" to justify not avoiding an ion storm, when they could have easily done so. Archer cluelessly speeds ahead into something that a man who got into a fist-fight with a dinosaur says is really dangerous.
- The skit following Chuck taking the "Eliminate his heartbeat" quote out of context.
- From the review of "Space Seed":Chuck: Kirk dictates a log entry, his bridge crew all collapsed around him. Kirk recommends commendations awarded to five of his bridge crew, while the camera lovingly shows us seven people beside him. What happened during the commercial? "As for Lieutenant Meyers, he cried like a baby at his coming death and then soiled himself. Recommend he posthumously received the Hoshi Sato Cowering Chicken medal, with clusters."
- Also, the various jabs against the 90s, and saying that people mistook the Eugenics Wars for a "clash between a powerful Asian Warlord and four pizza-eating ninja turtles."
- Khan's first words when he is revived: "Du...du...du...Duke Nukem Forever. Is it out yet?"
- Chuck's take on Dr. McCoy's creeping alcoholism, and Kirk's indifference to it, is particularly funny in this review.Kirk: (speaking to Lt. McGivers) If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
McCoy: Jim, I drink because I'm afraid to kill myself quickly.
Kirk: Back to work, Bones.
- It doubles as a Call-Back to a cheesy line in an episode of Voyager he'd already reviewed.
- From "A Taste of Armageddon":
- When Spock tells the yeoman to "knock her down and sit on her if necessary."Spock: But be sure to film it so I can watch it later in private.
- Anan 7 offers Kirk a drink:Kirk: I didn't come to drink...
Chuck (as Kirk): But I am flexible! Down the hatch!
- When Spock tells the yeoman to "knock her down and sit on her if necessary."
- From "Errand of Mercy":
- "See? Even in TOS, they say 'no beaming through the shields.' Tsk, tsk, tsk!"
- When Kor mentions that he does not trust men who smile too much.
- When Kirk and Kor are told that one day the Federation and Klingon Empire will be friends:Chuck: [as Kor] I swear it will never happen, or may my forehead lose its smoothness!
- From "The Alternative Factor":
- Thanks to the scene where the two Lazaruses/Lazari fight each other, we now know what professional wrestling looks like from a slushy's point of view.
- When Kirk questions the purpose of the mad antimatter Lazarus' machinations, Spock says that madness has no purpose.Janeway: Says you!
- From "The City on the Edge of Forever":
- "My arse isn't in your way, is it? It is? Too bad."
- The entire conversation between Spock and the Guardian of Forever.
- From "Amok Time", he says that the mere mention of reproduction was so racy that the German dub completely rewrote the episode into a fever dream of Spock's. The punchline?Since then, they've relaxed their standards, so now there's a topless woman who's a recurring character on Sesame Street
- Not to mention...
- According to Chuck, pon farr is Vulcan for "Everclear".
- Chuck's response to Spock's question about how Vulcans choose their mates:Well, to tell ya the truth, I figured at some point all that bottled-up sexual energy just made you explode and release tiny spores.
- From "The Changeling":
- The arousal level joke makes a comeback when Spock mentions something about taking in faster than what can be given.
- After Chuck mentions that one would have to be a complete boob to try to shoot Nomad, the scene cuts to two redshirts trying the same thing, and failing, naturally. Chuck comments how appropriate that boobs sometimes come in pairs.
- "Mirror, Mirror" has the iconic Agony Booth, what kind of hellish torment is it? Nickelback songs!
- From "The Doomsday Machine".Chuck "Spock looks over the records of the Constellation and reaches the conclusion that what they are dealing with is essentially a giant robot that eats planets, the most probable suspect being seen here." (Shows a picture of Unicron).
- Also, Chuck referring to Decker as suffering from a serious case of the WAAAH!s.
- From his review of "Catspaw":Chuck as Kirk: Damn it, Bones! I said to stop doing your ventriloquist trick with the dead patients!
- Chuck describing one of Sylvia's outfits used to seduce Kirk as the "divorced aunt in the clown pajamas look".
- After the dead crewman falls limply off the teleporter pad. "Give that stuntman a raise!"
- In "I, Mudd", when part of Kirk's plan involves knocking out Mudd, Chuck can't help but wish that were a regular Star Trek trope.Janeway: We've got a problem Neelix, so I'm gonna dope you up for the rest of the show to not only ensure you won't make it worse, but to let your sprawled body serve as a warning to others.
Neelix: But you know I'm afraid of hyposprays.
Janeway: Well today's your lucky day, Neelix! Tuvock! (claps hands) Bring me my medical mallet!
- When Mudd explains that he escaped from prison, Chuck believes him. His reason why: given the level of competence shown by the security of a major flag ship he doubts a bunch of off-screen nobodies are gonna fair any better. In fact, he's surprised Mudd didn't try to make himself warden.
- Referring to the crew's plan to Logic Bomb the androids as "Operation Dadaism".Chuck: You know, I'm already feeling myself rejecting the ways of the bourgeois...
- From "Journey to Babel":
- His "unofficial" name for conflicting interests leading to passionate discourse is "bitching at each other".
- His description of Sarek as "Vulcan Johnny Cash".
- From "Friday's Child":
- Maab's song and dance to get the Klingon's attention.
- Also, after the Red Shirt is killed for pulling his phaser on the visiting Klingon.Kirk: He was young... and inexperienced!
Chuck (as Kirk): And that's why I brought him on this mission, where the utmost care was demanded, because I'm an idiot!
- From "Obsession":
- The multiple redshirt jokes.
- "I accidentally brought my bowling ball instead. I need somebody to beam down either the antimatter or my shoes, please.
- The backstory to "Wolf in the Fold" establishes that Scotty (temporarily) hates all women after being injured by an incompetent female colleague, and that in order to cure him, they have to take him to a titty bar. Later on, Chuck says that since the planet's male security officer falsely pinned the blame for several murders on Scotty, the only reasonable conclusion is that Scotty now hates all men as a result, and must be treated accordingly. Cut to the Enterprise crew attending a bar filled with scantily clad male gladiators (intercutting earlier footage from the titty bar with clips from the episode "Bread and Circuses"), with big goofy grins on their faces.
- Even better: The music from that end scene is "El Bimbo", aka the Blue Oyster theme from the Police Academy movies.
- Chuck's opinion of McCoy from the same episode:Chuck: Prescribing happy pills and whores. You know, Bones is my kind of doctor!
- From " The Trouble with Tribbles":
- "With the planet to go to whoever can use the planet most efficiently, or in the event of a tie, a dance-off."
- From "The Gamesters of Triskelion":
- Chuck joking that no training is required to beat the shit out of a guy with his hands tied behind his back since a mean four-year-old could punch him in the nuts without being told to.
- From his review of "The Omega Glory":Kirk: It seems impossible; a star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
Spock: But, you violate it all the time, captain.
Kirk: Of course, I never took that shit seriously, but I always figured everyone else did.
Spock: What about Giles, just two weeks ago? (From the episode, "Patterns of Force")
Kirk: That doesn't count.
McCoy: Doesn't count? Jim, he made a planet of Nazis!
Kirk: So, one man decides to turn a pre-warp planet into a recreation of Nazi Germany and you blow everything out of proportion! We stopped the genocide in time, so quit crying you big baby! Now, where was I?
Spock: That someone would violate the Prime Directive is unthinkable.
Kirk: Absolutely unthinkable. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a lady in a fur bikini who has never heard a pick-up line in her life. Don't wait up.
- So they fight and they fight and they...
- Chuck's interpretation of Shakespeare in the original gibberish in response to one of the Yang's mangled reinterpretation of the Pledge of Allegiance.
- From "The Ultimate Computer":
- Chuck stating that it's all thanks to Dr. McCoy that you can file an insurance claim on a lap dance.
- When Daystrom says that you don't shut a child down when it makes a mistake, Chuck says that it's only because you can't and that it would have been a nice option while he was a teacher.
- From "Assignment: Earth":
- "Things are going in the wrong direction in this episode, even the planet!"
- From "Spock's Brain":
- Dr. McCoy attempts come up with a treatment for Spock's sudden lack of brain:McCoy: Wasn't really sure how to treat having no brain, so I put a damp rag on his head. That's how you treat nosebleeds, but I figured what the hell, it couldn't hurt.
Kirk: Has it helped?
McCoy: Uh, no.
- "Science used to be so awesome! Now you gotta use psychic energy your delta wave pulses or hypnotic radiation fields! Back then, you just hit a button and stroll about to show off how awesome your miniskirt looks."
- Dr. McCoy attempts come up with a treatment for Spock's sudden lack of brain:
- "The Enterprise Incident" gets him quite confused with Kirk acting more like Janeway or Archer. And then he says you can tell it's the original series because he gets called on it.Chuck Hey, it's your idiot choice that put them in this situation, Arch-... Jane-.... Kirk!
- And this gem of dialog as the Female Romulan Commander flirts with Spock.Female Roumulan Commander: The soldier will transform herself into a woman. (cue transformer noise)
- The Commander whispers her name in Spock's ear.Spock: Your name is Larry?
Female Romulan Commander: It's Lari! Why does everybody get that wrong?!
- And this gem of dialog as the Female Romulan Commander flirts with Spock.
- During his review of "And the Children Shall Lead", he recaps all the other worst entries for their respective series...by using appropriate clips from other shows and movies.
- For instance, "Threshold" is summed up thusly...Ian Malcolm: Must go faster!
Don Music: Oh I'll never get it, oh I'm sorry Ludwig, OH! [slams head on piano]
Doc Brown: [looking over a piece of paper]...this is it! This is the answer!
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship...prepare ship for ludicrous speed!
[clip of Stargate sequence from 2001: A Space Odyssey]
Seth Brundle: We'll be the ultimate family.
Don Draper: It will shock you how much it never happened.
- For instance, "Threshold" is summed up thusly...
- From "Day of the Dove":
- "The pistol-whip, the Klingon version of a handshake. A high-five is a knee to the groin."
- Chuck points out that Klingons aren't known for their witchcraft in reaction to Kirk accusing the Klingons of materializing swords out of thin air.
- From "The Empath"
- Chuck finding the strangely slurred way and the the body-language with which DeForest Kelley delivers the line "I don't know about you but I'm gonna call her 'Gem'" rather amusing.Chuck: Now, admittedly I might just be projecting my own view of Bones onto the character there, but it's just the way he wriggles his body, the way he moves his head, and the way he just kinda spits the word out weird like that; it's like he is gonna say: (with a slurred voice) "I'm gonna call her 'Gem', and Gem and I are gonna open our own bar, and we will never throw someone out just because they peed on the jukebox by mistake!"
- When Spock uses the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on one of the aliens while they are distracted by Kirk making a speech:Chuck: Am I the only one who wondered if Spock saw an opportunity and took it... or he was thinking: "If I have listen to one more long-winded speech, I'm gonna..."
- When the alien comes to take Dr. McCoy after he volunteers for the experiment, Chuck notices that the music used for the scene sounds like Suspiciously Similar Song for "Pure Imagination":McCoy: ♪Come with me/ And you'll be/ In a world of pure intoxication/ Take a hit/ And you'll see/ That your brain has taken a vacation...♪
- Chuck finding the strangely slurred way and the the body-language with which DeForest Kelley delivers the line "I don't know about you but I'm gonna call her 'Gem'" rather amusing.
- In the "Elaan of Troyius" review, for a serious discussion regarding the shows depiction of women and the inherent consequences and attitudes it represents, Chuck turns the show over to his guest stars- Benny the Spaceman (who is uncharacteristically sane this time round), Samus Aran riding a Yoshi (the Yoshi in question being... a bit of a loud mouth), with moderation from the head of Gregory Hines in a blender.
- From "Whom Gods Destroy":
- After Garth claims to be "Master of the Universe", the Heyayayay song starts to play.
- When Kirk mentions that Garth's victory at Axanar is still being taught at Starfleet Academy, Chuck says that no one would ever associate controversy with Axanar.
- The climactic battle is edited to resemble a fight from the Adam West Batman series complete with "biff"s and "pow"s.
- The crime witch Garth's Tellarite flunkie was convicted of, which apparently was so heinous that he had to been imprisoned on Elba II? Impersonating a wheelbarrow without a license.
- Which of course comes up again when said Tellarite flunkie proceeds to impersonate a wheelbarrow to entertain Garth.Chuck: Disgraceful. Think of all the licensed wheelbarrow impersonators you are ripping off at this very moment. You wouldn't steal a car, would you?!
- Which of course comes up again when said Tellarite flunkie proceeds to impersonate a wheelbarrow to entertain Garth.
- In " The Way to Eden"
- "By the way, Screaming Herbert? Worst porn star ever, I don't know how he keeps getting work." Accompanying this sentence? A stock photo of a naked guy with a megaphone with the caption "SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A SUMMERDAY!!!"
- He lets one clip stand on its own, with one of the female hippies trying to seduce Sulu, who only says "How do you know what I want?" Chuck then says "It's the grin that sells it."
- Chuck saying "No, please, stop, for the love of God, don't, oh, no." in a deadpan voice in reaction to the space hippie leader about to eat the poisonous fruit.
- And he rates the episode "1/10: Written by Herbert".
- From "All Our Yesterdays":
- Zarabeth is all alone, except for that saber-toothed squirrel that keeps chasing acorns.
- From the "Turnabout Intruder" review:
- "Hi everybody! According to my advanced medicalticion training, this woman's problem is she has a penis!"
- Chuck saying that Lester's assistant, Dr. Coleman, looks like a Six Million Dollar Man toy he used to have as a kid.
- Chuck ends the review on noticing that the episode was actually a bit ahead of its time as "the idea of a woman captain that has gone mad with power and rules her crew with an iron fist is going to have to wait a quarter of a century before it is allowed on television."
- Chuck going on a tangent about how a little voice in his head saying "Bastard." whenever he feels like getting indignant over the fanservicy outfits in TOS. Given that he grew up with Wonder Woman, Ms. Marvel, and Power Girl. Before he starts to bemoan their less exposing oufits.