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Podcast / The Fallen Gods

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Tuatha: I don't know why you're complaining, we were your first choice!
Mina: No, you weren't!
Tuatha: Well, guess we were the only qualified applicants then!

The Fallen Gods is a Dungeons & Dragons Fifth Edition actual-play, and one of several games featured on Cool Kids Table.

Set in the world of Krynn, the tale begins with three adventurers being drawn together at a local tavern by the Goddess Mina. There she tells them of a war in heaven where the gods of good, evil, and neutrality fought against Chaos. They once sealed Chaos within the Graygem, but he has been released. Now the gods retreat from heaven, faking their deaths while hiding in the mortal realm within the Celestial Artifacts. These three heroes have been chosen to retrieve the scattered Artifacts and reunite the gods so that they may once again fight against Chaos.

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...Unfortunately for her, the adventurers she picks keep on dying, so now she's down to the backup-backup-backup adventurers. What's more, they're not super-keen on following this so-called destiny. Between Tuatha, the half-elven sorcerer who would rather talk her way to victory than follow orders; Solvin, the elven assassin who almost solely works based on who's paying him and how much; and Flint, the human eldritch knight who's not always as smart as he'd like to be.

Together the trio make their way across the land of Krynn finding the Fallen Gods, battling monstrous foes, and making many enemies. But they also learn to...tolerate each other. But all the while, the forces of darkness are growing...

The cast can be reached through the CKTCast Twitter, as well as by using the hastag #TheFallenGods.

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This podcast provides examples of:

  • Accidental Misnaming: Everywhere with nearly everyone and everything. If the party is able to get the name of a character right on the first try it's a miracle.
  • Actually Pretty Funny: Delilah considers the party's plans to reunite her and her sister Missandere (such as stuffing them in a get-along shirt or disguising Delilah as Groucho Marx) rather amusing, though totally ineffectual.
  • Aggressive Negotiations: Solvin suggests this to get better prices while buying new equipment, pointing out he still has plenty of arrows. Tuatha objects, saying they don't need any "Solvin Haggling".
  • An Axe to Grind: Flint wields dual battle axes. He upgrades to a magical one he finds in the ruins in of Xak Tsaroth.
  • And I Must Scream: The enslaved merfolk in the Tower of Lunitari can only say "How may I serve you today?" in a sing-song voice, unless given a command that requires them to say something not related to their status as slaves. If one does allude to this they begin to freak out and become anxious, but literally cannot change their tune.
  • Animal Companion: All three party members have pets. All three have horses that they have connections to as well.
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    • Tuatha has a pet Cerberus-Yorkie whose three names (Susienka, Binggan, Keksi) all mean "biscuit" in Slovak, Mandarin, and Finnish respectively. It's referred to as "Triscuit" as a whole. Her horse is named Haku'Yethin.
    • Solvin has a hawk named Hag and clydesdale named Johann.
    • Flint has an owl named Gretchen and a horse named Ironstag.
  • Anti-Magic: Dragons can resist most types of magic, and this property carries over to their bones, which makes them useful for armor like Flint's helmet.
  • Appropriated Appellation: Tuatha's horse is named Haku'Yethin, which is goblin for "Pain in my Ass". Though Hak's a sweetheart, it was just the goblins that found him a pain.
  • Bigger on the Inside: Chadrathar's tower contains rooms larger than the building.
  • Big-Lipped Alligator Moment: An in-universe one, thanks to the Wild Magic Table. No one really expected to Tuatha to try and cast fireball and instead summon a full-sized unicorn.
  • Bishie Sparkle: An audio-variant as Josh mimics the noise when describing how tough Flint's pecs are.
  • Bi the Way: Tuatha.
  • Body Horror: The party finds the remains of previous adventurers being stitched together in terrifying mashups in the basement of the Tower in Palanthis.
  • Boom, Headshot!: Solvin one-hit kills a draconian with an arrow directly through its head.
  • Borrowed Catchphrase: Solvin lifts a bell while inside the Tower of Lunitari, only to feel it disappear from his pocket. His response is "Fuck a wizard", to which Tuatha quickly agrees.
  • Cain and Abel: Missandere wants to kill her half-sister Delilah. Delilah is far less violent, but will strike back if she needs to.
  • Captain Obvious: Happens when Flint fails an Arcana check on the magic that's causing the party to shrink, and discovers that it's magic.
  • Catch-Phrase: Tuatha has "Fuck a (blank)", which gets filled in with anything they're annoyed by.
  • Conspicuously Light Patch: Discussed in episode 11 when the only information Mara gives the party on what she wants from the Tower is "you'll know it when you see it". They decide that this trope will be how they spot it.
  • Covered in Gunge: Tuatha gets covered in oil when her spell's failure sets off the Wild Magic table.
  • Creepy Child: Episode 6 ends with the party finding a small child standing in the centre of a draconian treasure horde with solid black eyes, the power to stop weapons from hitting it, and it wants to kill and eat them.
  • Cute Monster: Tuatha's three-headed Cerberus Yorkie named Triscuit.
  • Cynical Mentor: Mina becomes this to the trio due to her plan to save the gods failing time and time again, and having to fall back on the backup to the backup to the backup plan in the form of the game's party.
  • Distracted by the Sexy:
    • When Tuatha fails several perception and intuition checks when the group is trying to procure a ship, it's chalked up to her being distracted by the hot fake ship's captain. She's also willing to employ this herself if it means she can avoid an actual fight.
    • There's also Mistress Mara the merchant, who causes this in everybody. Solvin has to step outside because it's so awkward he's about to crawl out of his skin.
  • Don't Explain the Joke: When Josh asks if the draconians in the treasure area are stronger than the other one they encountered, Jake says yes because they scale.
    Jake: 'Cuz they're dragons. Get it everybody? Did you get my joke? They scale because they're dragons!
  • Don't Go in the Woods: The Shoiken Grove that grows around the Tower of Sorcery in Palanthis are said to be cursed, as everyone who enters is never seen again. They're populated by living shadow monsters, and even if the adventurers manage to reach the Tower there are even worse horrors awaiting them.
  • Draconic Humanoid: The party encounters draconians in the ruins of Xak Tsaroth, which were made by mutating dragon eggs using blood magic.
  • Dragon Hoard: The party find the remains of one beneath the temple in Xak Tsaroth, and later the hoard itself deeper in.
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Solvin will happily steal, maim, murder, and torture, but draws the line at slavery. Or leaving a corpse naked. He's very complex!
  • Exact Words: The mother Black Dragon swears that she shall slaughter the party if they "laid one hand" on her child. The party states that technically, nobody touched Boss Baby Dragon with their hands.
  • Expy: Tuatha has a little bit of Stacey from Creepy Town in her characterization, namely the sexual openness and beauty.
  • Failed a Spot Check: Tuatha doesn't notice that the party's room at the inn has been disturbed and search because she's drop-dead drunk.
  • Fantastic Racism: Solvin doesn't think much of Tuatha other than that she's the "half-human" of the group. On the other hand, Tuatha hates wizards (though she's quick to clarify that that's classism, not racism).
    • Missandere judges Tuatha for being a half-elf as well.
  • Feed It a Bomb: Tuatha shoves a Chromatic Orb spell down the mouth of a dire wilve to poison it.
  • Fish People: The party finds a merfolk at the bottom of the ocean. It's covered in scales and fins, has large sharp teeth, and a natural 20 dick.
  • Flat World: The setting takes place on one, that sits on the back of four rhinos on top of a turtle.
  • Fork Fencing: When the group gets shrunk down in episode 4, the only weapons they can wield are forks and knives.
  • Full-Frontal Assault: The party has to fight a series of slugs and snails while nakey in episode 4 after they get shrunken down.
  • Gender Flip: The god Paladine is normally male and the husband of Mishakal in the Dragonlance setting, but in this story Paladine is female and Mishakal's wife.
  • Good Is Not Nice: Mara turns out to be on the party's side after some fairly ambiguous first interactions, but that doesn't stop her from shoving a hot poker into the stump of Jana's leg as punishment for enslaving dozens of merfolk.
  • Gotta Catch 'Em All: The party is tasked with finding all the artifacts containing the hiding deities of the world in order to defeat Chaos.
  • Great Big Book of Everything: The book that Solvin finds in the library is this, since it's the Tobril, the book that contains the history of everything that's happened and also Gilean go do the book themself.
  • Half-Human Hybrid: Tuatha is a half-elf.
  • Head Pet: Solvin ends up with a Maine Coon (fittingly) named Crown after Tuatha's wild magic summons several cats during a battle. It ends up sitting on his head most of the time.
  • Hollywood Acid: The gold draconian dissolve into acid upon death. Boss Baby Dragon can also spit acid.
  • Hypocrite: The top-tier wizards in the realm call themselves "The Towers of High Sorcery". They also hate sorcerers. Tuatha, a sorcerer, is suitably displeased by this.
  • I Did What I Had to Do: Janna stands by this with regards to enslaving dozens of merfolk, saying that one must make difficult decisions in war time.
  • Incredible Shrinking Man: Balrasht is a forest giant who's been shrunken down small enough to fit in Tuatha's hand. The party gets hit with this in episode 4 as well.
  • Incredibly Lame Pun: When the party visits the library in episode 10, Alan tells them that there are several pages (the person) around. For a moment they all think he means pages (the pieces of paper).
  • Karmic Transformation: In order to punish him for trying to break into the house of someone smaller than him, Chandrathar the wizard curses Balrasht the giant to be incredibly small.
  • Kill It with Fire: The dust golems that the party are attacked by are highly susceptible to fire, allowing them to be destroyed easily once they light some things on fire. Except for the one that Tuatha cleaned, leaving it just a swirling core of magic.
  • Lampshade Hanging: Mina gathers Tuatha, Solvin, and Flint in a tavern to give them their quest because…that's where all the tales say adventurers meet and begin their journeys.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: A Tower full of Wizards who enslaved dozens of merfolk end up getting torn apart by them as soon as the spell is broken.
  • Literal Split Personality: Missandere and Delilah are two halves of the same soul split in two by their mother in an attempt to protect them. It didn't work as well as she'd like.
  • Mind Screw: Flint has a tough time wrapping his head around enchanting a dragon skull to make a helmet.
    Flint: So you're gonna take the thing that's resistant to magic…and use magic on it…to raise its resistance to magic?
  • Monster Is a Mommy: After defeating the Boss Baby Dragon, the party quickly surmises that it probably had a mother somewhere nearby. sure enough, they encounter it at the end of episode 8.
  • Multiple Head Case: Tuatha has a pet Cerberus-Yorkie whose three names (Susienka, Binggan, Keksi) all mean "biscuit" in Slovak, Mandarin, and Finnish respectively. They also disagree often, with one having opposite opinions from another and the third acting as a neutral party..
  • Mundane Utility: Flint uses the Tobril, the book that contains all knowledge of everything that has ever happened up until now to try and see who's face he saw in the window of the Tower the night before. Tuatha uses it to look up the names of everyone she made out with the night before.
  • Noodle Incident: Solvin has had severed body parts in his bag before, so he doesn't mind sticking Janna's foot in there.
  • No-Sell: During an attack from dire wilves, Flint is able to shrug off several bites thanks to his high Armour Class. He claims it's because his pecs are too huge.
  • No Sense of Personal Space: Tuatha. The only way to get uncomfortably close to her is if someones goes inside or through her body.
  • Off the Rails: A slight one occurs when the party goes to the basement of the Tower in Palanthis instead of the top like Alan had hoped. A major one happens when instead of going through a portal to return to Mara, they throw the wizard who opened the portal through instead.
  • Oh, Crap!: When Alan asks the party to roll deception to act natural in episode 16, the next things out of Shannon and Jake's mouths are "oh no".
  • "Open!" Says Me: Flint spends most of episode 11 wanting to kick a door open. Fortunately, they find one that really needs to be kicked later on.
  • Our Elves Are Better: And a little racist against everyone else (or at least High Elves are).
  • Phallic Weapon: Well not a weapon necessarily, but the spoon-turned-dowsing rod is warm and veiny and (according to Jake and Josh) fleshy and throbbing, making it fall close to this category.
  • Portal Cut: Janna's foot gets cut off after getting shoved through a portal.
  • Pre-Mortem One-Liner: When Solven attacks a slug with a fork: "It's time to fork-give and fork-get!"
  • Previously On: Like most stories, though this one takes the form of Alan taking the role of an unnamed bard telling the tale to the audience rather than the usual bombastic voice in other Previously Ons.
  • Rain of Something Unusual: Setting off the Wild Magic table in episode twelve causes a rain of twelve cats and one dog to occur in a dungeon.
  • Raised by Orcs: Flint was kidnapped by orcs as a child during a raid on his village and raised to be a warrior by them.
  • Random Effect Spell: The Wild Magic table, though altered from the traditional D&D variant. Here Tuathawild magic can invoke it to re-roll a spell, but that means the next time she uses magic an effect from the table will occur. It's also greatly expanded with submissions from listeners.
  • Running Gag:
    • Tuatha's disdain for wizards (or as she puts it, "fuck a wizard").
    • Flint insisting that he's not scared, even when he obviously is, and Solvin and Tuatha roasting him about it.
    • Whenever Flint fails an important roll, Josh announces he'll have to roll a new character named "Flont", complete with a funny voice.
    • Tuatha saying that she must've missed a class when she fails a history roll, or when it's funny.
  • Salt Solution: Fighting with slugs and a flail snail calls for this, though it requires a strength check because the party's been shrunken and the shaker is almost as big as they are.
  • Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: Solvin lives by one rule: "fuck you, pay me". Though he does exhibit other morals along the way and tells Janna that he hates slavers more than he likes money.
  • Screw the Rules, I'm Doing What's Right!: In episode sixteen, when Mara demands the party return to their quest after disappearing for six months. They refuse, as they've just discovered a Tower of enslaved merfolk that they are adamant about liberating no matter what.
  • Shout-Out:
    • Alan sings the victory jingle from Final Fantasy after the party defeats the dire wilves, which earns him a ban from Jake because no crossovers.
    • The fight with the slugs in episode 4 has references to both Mystery Men and Austin Powers.
    • Episode 5 starts with several to Power Rangers so that Alan can skirt the line around the "no crossovers" rule. The more Jake gets irked, the more references Alan adds in.
    • Josh is the only one who doesn't want to fight a child in episode 7, commenting "he's the baby, gotta love him!"
    • When trying to figure out what to do with their bag of holding full of gold, Solvin points out it's basically a Scrooge McDuck vault, and Flint suggests they swim in it.
    • When trying to remember the name of the blacksmith Blovey, Tuatha suggests Blofeld.
    • When they get into the hotel at Palanthis, Flint says that he needs food badly.
    • Shannon and Alan have decided that the party's home plane is flat, and sits on the back of four rhinos on top of a turtle (the rhinos are to make it different).
    • When asked by Delilah in episode 14 if she's a magician, Tuatha clarifies that she's a sorceress and Solvin adds that she does illusions, Michael.
  • "Shut Up" Kiss: Tuatha gives one to Missandere to try and throw her off her game. Missandere reciprocates, but doesn't change her stance and makes Tuatha think she's been poisoned.
  • Slave Race: The merfolk are enslaved by the Wizards in the Tower of Lunitari, and those who are lucky enough to evade this regularly try to free the others. The party is able to successfully liberate the others by way of slaughtering everyone in the Tower.
  • Squishy Wizard: Lampshaded by Tuatha when talking about how easy it is to kill wizards.
  • Stuff Blowing Up: The party encounters silver Draconians, who explode upon death. Not enough to cause any massive damage, though.
  • Supernatural Gold Eyes: Mina is described as having eyes like amber.
  • Sustained Misunderstanding: Alan describes Mina transforming a wooden spoon into a dowsing rod as it heating up and becoming covered in veins of mystical ore. The party interpreted it as becoming warm, fleshy, and veiny, and even after Alan makes it clear that that's not the correct description they still claim that it very much feels like a penis.
  • Teleportation Rescue: A variant occurs thanks to [[soiler: Mishakal's intervention, teleporting the party to a temple of Paladine when they're about to be attacked by the mother Black Dragon]].
  • Time Dilation: In the few hours that pass between the party heading to space from the Palanthis Tower and arriving at the one in the Blood Sea, over six months pass on their home plane.
  • Token Evil Teammate: Solvin is lawful evil, the most willing to deal with problems underhandedly, the most bloodthirsty, and the most willing to steal things. If that didn't make things obvious, he's hurt by everything having to do with Mishakal. She's the goddess of healing, restoration, and general goodness, and clearly does not like him.
  • Unflinching Walk: Flint does one after lighting a dust golem on fire.
  • The Unpronounceable: The name of Boss Mom Black Dragon is a series of snarls and growls. Tuatha is able to repeat it back perfectly (as in, Jake states that she is able to repeat it back perfectly without actually saying the name himself).
  • Vapor Wear: Mistress Mara the merchant is covered head to toe in a silk outfit that clings to her body and leaves nothing to the imagination.
  • Verbal Judo: Tuatha would much rather talk her way out of things than fight, though talking does sometimes turn into flirting.
  • Walking Shirtless Scene: Flint only wears armour in battle, outside of it he usually just wears pants, or sometimes just a furry loincloth.
  • Waxing Lyrical: When Tuatha succeeds her constitution saving throw in episode 10, Solvin asks her if she woke up feeling like P. Diddy.
  • Would Hurt a Child: Tuatha and Flint are both perfectly willing to fight and kill a child in episode 7. Flint, less so. To be fair, it does want to kill and eat them.
  • You Say Tomato: Tuatha drops this regularly in episode 2, even when it doesn't actually apply.
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