001: The Stories Say They Meet In A Tavern
- Josh describes Tuatha's hobbies as cuticle care and E! Network.
- Shannon mishears cuticle as kegel.
- Alan misspeaks when describing Mina to Flint and says she has red fuzz where her head should be, where he should've said where her hair should be. The party quickly roasts him.Shannon: You see a decapitated woman but her hair is fantastic.
- When describing Flint's backstory, Josh says that he was taken in by the orcs raiding his village because they saw his sweet abs.
- Flint tries to intimidate the server by declaring his distaste of poultry when asked what he'd like to order. He critically fails, and gets his face slammed into the table.Flint (meekly): Lamb is fine
- After Mina starts talking to the party about their destiny.Solvin: I was told I was going to get paid?
Mina: Oh, you will.
Mina: By not getting destroyed.
Solvin: That's not money!
- After rolling several critical failures through the first episode, the party finally get some natural twenties
Solvin on picking the pocket of a guy frozen in time, and the other two on investigating a spoon.Alan: You see it's a spoon—
Tuatha and Flint: YES!
- Mina gets continuously exasperated with the trio, but the breaking point is when Tuatha calls dibs on both the dowsing-rod/penis-spoon and Mina's communication tear.Tuatha: I don't know why you're complaining, we were your first choice!
Mina: No, you weren't!
Tuatha: Well, guess we were the only qualified applicants then!
- Speaking of which, the warm veiny spoon itself.
002: A Slick Thicket of Wilves
- The Previously On segment where the Narrator describes three heroes being united by a goddess and a spoon and a tiny man?
- Flint tries to skin a dire wilf and take its meat, but Josh blows the roll (even though it's one of his best abilities). Flint declares the wolf is too gamey and just tosses it aside. Then Solvin successfully harvests almost all of the meat.
- While setting up camp near what is likely a wizard's tower, Flint decides to start setting up right in front of it.Tuatha: Look, if you want to have him just dump hot oil on you from his tower, then by all means sleep on his front door.
Solvin: He's a wizard, he's not gonna dump hot oil on us. He'll, like, set off a fireball!
Tuatha: To-may-to, to-mah-to.
Solvin: No there's a big difference there!
Flint: You can't just say to-may-to, to-mah-to to everything!
Tuatha: To-may-to, to-mah-to.
- Josh' continued crit fails.Alan: Roll a perception check.
Josh: Critical fail!
Alan: You see jack shit.
- Chandrathar the wizard is so scatterbrained that he tells the heroes to meet him upstairs, then sends them to a room where there are no stairs. Because, according to Balrasht, he forgot to put them back.Tuatha: Why would you even move stairs?
Solvin: He put them away when he was done with them.
- Tuatha trying to roll to remember the name of the painting she has to talk to, even though Balrasht (who told her just a moment ago) is right in her palm and she could easily ask him.
- Speaking of paintings, while Solvin and Tuatha are trying to figure out how to get stairs, Flint gets distracted by a landscape painting, gets his finger wet when he tries to dip it in, and then dries it on a sheep painting (which then tries to bite him).
- Flint mistakes Rowland the Firbolg's name for Rowlett.Rowland: Oh, do you mean my basketball son?
- Flint intentionally sets off Chandrathar's security system because the answering machine was too long and he was hungry.
- Tuatha's attempt to destroy a dust golem is using prestidigitation to clean it up. It doesn't work, and actually makes the golem stronger by removing its only weakness.
Solvin: It's very poetic.
- When lighting another one on fire, Flint crits his dexterity saving through to avoid the explosion and walks away like a badass.
- He fails the next one and gets lit on fire, which sparks a debate as to whether he's able to stop, drop, and roll with his remaining moves. Shannon suggests that Solvin could even push him over to help skip a step. Instead, Solvin uses Flint to light her arrow.
Flint: Light it on my abs!
- When the party finally finds the stairs.
- Chandrathar has a book on the history of Krynn, but says it's a little romanticized. As in, not dramatically exaggerated, but sexy.
- He tries to give the group a pouch that's velvety
and moist. And then Flint and Tuatha try to put the spoon in it.Alan: And that's how babies are made!
004: The Battle of Margarita Flats
- Josh naked fists a slug. And then it splooshes him.
- I don't have time to worry about people's feelings or anything, I'm just gonna throw forks at them!
- The episodes title is The Battle of Margarita Flats because Flint, while shrunken and naked, gets covered in slime, then rolls his sticky body in salt and grapples the snail. Quoth Jake, You're a margarita!
005: A Writ of Passage
- The episode starts with a non sequitur discussion on Denver the Last Dinosaur and The Adventures of Timmy the Tooth, with Shannon mentioning offhand how she's now thankful her mom made her play outside.
- Jake and Josh declare that the generic port town the party goes to is Angel Grove, to which Alan immediately turns into Grove of the Angels. Then he adds a confectionary shop called Creme of Crispy. Jake immediately gets concerned that they're turning into a crossover, and Alan argues that it's jut an homage.
- The party meets a law keeper named Constable Boulder, and get several minutes in before Josh realizes that it's a reference to Lietuenant Stone and Jake starts yelling at Alan.
- One of the taverns is known as Ernesto's.
- Constable Boulder asks the party to alert him if they come across the pair of hooligans Bulkson and Cranios. Solvin replies that if they see them, they'll play a tuba.
- No one can remember the proper name of the ruined city, calling it Xacklees, Zachary, Xacksauce, and Zack Attack, before settling on Xak Tsaroth.
- When the Nosage demands that the crew be useful on their trip to Xak Tsaroth:Tuatha: I mean I'm gonna be gracing everyone with my presence, I think that's pretty useful.
- Tuatha trying to remember how to work the teardrop phone that Mina gave them, with Alan suggesting they pray to her.Jake: Pray is a strong word, Alan.
Shannon: Ask for nudes.
Jake: New amber teardrop who dis?
- When they find a statue of Mishakal inside her temple, Solvin suggests the hands (which are outstretched and empty), rather than missing something that had been taken previously, are just asking of two low-fives. Flint does that, from his horse.
Solvin: Was she a DJ?
- Later, while Solvin is looking for something to put in the hands, he finds a pair of shiny platinum discs that might fit.
Flint: Fantasy DJ. Keep the Kayfabe alive.
- When they insert the discs and the statue starts moving, Flint acts like he's the one pushing open the hidden door.
- Flints descending into a dark tunnel, and Alan suddenly asks him what his light source is.Josh: My light source? Just my glowing personality. *beat* So it's very dark.
Josh: Oh it's bones. *switches to Flint's voice* Oh, it's bones. It's probably bones.
- Alan declares that Flint's boot crunches on something.
Tuatha: Hey, is it bones?
Flint: It's probably bones!
Solvin: What kind of bones?
Flint: Calcium kind?
Solvin: Nevermind, we'll find out.
- When Tuatha hears the dragons complaining about he tunnels reaking of human, she blames Flint. The party then starts arguing about who smells worse, giving themselves away to the dragons.
- Tuatha poses when she fails the stealth roll, and the others realize that she plans to be sexy and distract the dragons.Tuatha:I'm not gonna fuck a dragon!..on the first date.
- Josh words a question strangely. If I think something...do I have to roll?
- When the party realizes that the tunnels go underneath the wishing well and that the coins there are from wishers, Shannon declares that she's not stealing any more wishes.
- When Solvin kills a draconian and it dissolves into acid:Josh: He was a snail! It splooshed!
- These heels are fantasy Gucci.
- Alan explains that in this setting dragons are known to have existed, but haven't been seen so long that they're passing into myth. Jake and Josh compare it to Bigfoot, because Bigfoots also lay eggs.Jake: Have you ever seen a Bigfoot give live birth? No, because they lay eggs!
007: The Battle of Boss Baby Depths
- When the child in the middle of the treasure stops Flint's axe in midair, the party jokes that they're fighting baby Hela, then realize that it's a Boss Baby.Alan (through tears of laughter): I didn't mean to I swear!
- Jake and Josh chanting Shoot the baby! Shoot the baby! at Shannon.
- After the child returns to its dragon form and starts spewing acid, Tuatha's catchphrase comes out wrong.Tuatha: Aw, fuck a boss baby.
Flint: Tuatha, you need limits.
- Shannon apparently makes a Wreck-It Ralph pose before she has Solvin attack.Shannon: I'm gonna wreck it! *rolls* Well, I rolled a six so I ain't wreckin' anything except my own reputation.
- The wild magic table gets set of a lot this episode. Though some of them have major effects, like draining hit points and causing poison, another causes a beard of feathers to grow out of Tuatha's face and remain there until she sneezes.
- Another makes her permanently shrink seven inches.
- And to top it all off, a failed fireball spell instead causes Tuatha to launch an entire unicorn from her hand at the dragon.
- The tag at the end of the episode features various drunken escapades of the crew, such as:
Josh: Someone's drinking a Coke and you make it look like they're drinking a Pepsi.
- Shannon struggling and succeeding to twist off her beer cap (Josh tells her she should fight crime).
- Jake trying to figure out what the minor illusion cantrip would do.
Jake: No it's an illusion that can't buy porn yet. It's a minor.
- Shannon realizing she must be drunk because she started drawing stuff on her face.
008: Gods And Heathens
- The episode starts with the unicorn vanishing as quickly as it appeared.Flint: Where did you learn magic again?
Tuatha: Uh, that's a long and complicated story, and learning is not exactly the word I would use for it.
- Shannon butchers Boss Baby Dragon, and apparently a look of grim intensity appeared on her face when she was determining how much of which parts she needed.
Shannon: Everyone can be a poisoner.
- When Flint checks if there's anything he can use and comes away with the poisonous blood, Jake comments that Flint doesn't seem like someone who would do a poison.
Alan: If they try hard enough.
Shannon: Just believe in yourself!
Alan: Or, if they're cooking, if they don't try at all.
- Tuatha doesn't let Solvin put the tongue, eyes, and claws in the bag of holding, to which Solvin complains that she gets to keep her weird dick-spoon in there.Alan: Speaking of weird dick-spoons!
- When Flint finds an axe that's better than his own (not a hard bar to pass), Tuatha immediately calls dibs.Josh: I punch Tuatha.
Jake: I will fuck your life up with magic!
Josh: While simultaneously fucking up your own!
Jake: I will burn my kingdom to the ground if I catch you in the flames!
- Tuatha finds the relic, a quarterstaff that causes a sense of calm to fall upon her when she touches it.Tuatha: I don't like this.
Solvin: Now you know what it feels like to have a chill.
Tuatha: I don't like that. How do—ugh!—how do people deal with this?
009: Adventurers About Town
- When Alan describes the three different clerics that the group sees in the temple:Shannon: I wonder what would happen if they walked into a bar?
Josh: It probably hurts.
- Tuatha tries to hitch her horse safely within the temple grounds, and asks if anyone there can watch him.Cleric: The eyes of the gods are the most watchful of all.
Tuatha: Hmm. Well. Is there somebody with eyes of a person who can watch my horse too?
- She gets pointed towards a stable boy who Alan voices with a ridiculous New York accent that causes all three players to crack up whenever he speaks. Shannon calls him a Newsie.
- Josh admits that even though Flint canonically has armour, he only ever pictures him wearing a pair of fur undies and that's it.Shannon: This is your business casual.
- Flint tries to ask the party how much time they're spending in Palanthis in order for him to forge an enchanted helmet from his dragon skull, but way too vaguely.Flint: How much time do we have?
Solvin: Just, like, in life? I have way more than you.
- Solvin declares that he wants to sell his eyes and tongue. There's a beat before he clarifies that they're the ones he looted from Boss Baby Dragon.
- Trying to sell them becomes a different problem when Mara is involved..
- Tuatha is keen on getting a pair of magic boots of jumping, but only if they match her outfit. Alan points out that they're magic and can change design, but Tuatha refuses - she wants designer, boutique, off-the-rack magic boots.
- Solvin gets really put out when called a stuffy elf by Mara and her other clientele.Tuatha: Hey, that's our stuffy elf.
Solvin (calling through the open door from outside): I'm not stuffy, I'm cool!
Tuatha (encouragingly): You're so cool Solvin!
Tuatha: This is a real horny store, ain't it?
- Mara also comments that the eyes and tongue seem small, which also aggravates Solvin (Say that to my face!). When she congratulates them on slaying a wyrmling, Flint shouts that it was a brat. Then Tuatha fails at haggling because she can't remember if she's supposed to go higher or lower, and all the while Mara is making plenty of innuendoes.
- When Tuatha spots a Wizard's tower on the horizon she goes off on a rant about how much she hates wizards and that the giant stone obelisk so clearly a sign that they're Compensating for Something. When Solvin asks what she'd think if it was a girl wizard, Tuatha balks. Then she says that she needs an exterior decorator like Nicole Curtis. This leads to an out-of-character discussion on what fantasy!HGTV would look like.Alan (as a contestant on Fantasy!House Hunters): I am a poor shit farmer, and this is my wife who stirs cauldrons, and our budget is four million platinum pieces.
- While trying to open a bank account, the gang wonder what fantasy!debit cards would be.Josh: It's just a magic stone and every storefront has another one, and you put it on there and it sucks the money out of your account.
Shannon: You wanna get your money you just write your PIN number on a scroll, put it on a pigeon and just throw it into the air.
Jake: You light it on fire. Sacrifice my PIN number to the money gods.
010: A Round On Us
- A drunken bar patron explains to the party how the last wizard in the Tower of Sorcery flung himself from the top and impaled himself on the gates below, then cursed the town. Flint is confused how the wizard had enough time to cast a curse while impaled and dying.Solvin: Don't you know when you're dying you can be super dramatic if you want and still have plenty of time to curse people?
- Solvin gives Hag a letter to take to his girlfriend, but because he's drunk it's the medieval equivalent of a drunk text.Alan: Instead of a dick pick there's a lewd drawing.
Solvin: I traced this.
- Jake succeeds his constitution saving throw and wakes up wither a hangover.Solvin: Did you wake up this morning feeling like P. Diddy?
Tuatha: I did! Gimme some of that wine, I gotta brush my teeth.
Flint: The P stands for Phantasy.
- In the stinger they establish that they're referencing a song by Phanta$y Ke$ha.
- Solvin and Tuatha see a weird bruise on Flint's shoulder that Alan says looks like a hickey. Solvin and Tuatha immediately go oohTuatha: What were you doing while we were dancin'?
Flint: I was just looking at the Tower
Solvin: Whose tower?
- Then Josh rolls to get dressed (for some reason) and critically fails, so he ends up giving himself a wedgie.
- When the party visits the library, Alan tells them that there are several pages (the person) around. For a moment they all think he means pages (the pieces of paper). Then Jake gets concerned that they'll have to put the pages back in a magic book and that this is gonna turn into a Myst game, which they're all terrible at, so Shannon tells them to call her brother since he thought Myst was too easy.
- Flint uses the Tobril, the book that contains all knowledge of everything that has ever happened up until now to try and see who's face he saw in the window of the Tower the night before. Tuatha uses it to look up the names of everyone she made out with the night before.
011: Dat Axe Doe
- The episode starts with Jake calling Alan fizzbitch by accident. There's not really any context for how this happened.
- Flint really wants to kick down a door.Flint: I've just been itching to kick a door. Just so itchy.
Tuatha: You should probably get that looked at.
Solvin: Did you clean your armor?
- When they find one that needs kicking, Tuatha presents it to him like Vanna White.
- Mara invites the party to take off their shoes and sit with her in the back room. Apparently Flints boots are so lace-y and boot-y that he has to ask Tuatha to prestidigitate them off.
- Mara also offers them tea with honey and sugar. Tuatha asks for six sugar and seven seconds worth of honey.Mara: Are you sure you don't just want hot sugar water?
Tuatha: No, that's disgusting.
- Mara tries to warn them about the dangers within the Tower.
- When the only information Mara gives the party on the trinket she wants from the Tower is you'll know it when you see it, they decide that it'll be found in the Conspicuously Light Patch.
- Continuing the gag about medieval sexting from last episode, Solvin receives a scroll from a raven that just says seen.
- Getting threatened by Dalinar the Dark.Dalinar: You could not even begin to try to kill me.
Flint: Oh we could definitely begin to try.
012: Ups and Downs
- Josh explains that the reason Flint fails his perception roll at the beginning is because he forgot to open his eyes.
- While debating what to get Mara, the party realizes she's basically pastel-coloured Elvira.
- Alan describes the laboratory that the party find themselves in as being filled with strange tubes. Shannon knows what's up.Shannon: I feel like there's a bunch of Frankensteins somewhere.
Jake: There's no Frankensteins in here, right?
Jake: That's too long of a pause. How many Frankensteins are in here, Alan?!
- When attacked by one of the Shadow Wraiths in the basement of the Tower of Sorcery, Shannon suggests telling it that they think Frankenstein is the real monster and they don't think it's his fault.
- Solvin tries to utter the oath that powers up the bow he got from the dragon treasure.Solvin: Swift death to *coughs* I can't remember the rest.
- After Flint chops the shadow wraith apart, they find the cat it ate completely unharmed. Josh declares that they won D&D because they saved the cat.
- Tuatha gets concerned that the cats she accidentally summoned might wander into the doors to other planes.Solvin: They'll find a way in, the cats.
Tuatha: Can we turn 'em off?
Solvin: What, the cats?
Tuatha: The doors.
- The opening sequence where the party try to wrap their heads around the concept of a spell jammer, with Tuatha quickly assuming that either the captain or the ship itself is a wizard (fuck a wizard), and Solvin asking how the wizard can do anything if his spells are jammed.
- Missandere asks what the party's home plane is. Solvin answers the flat one. Flint is concerned that Solvin's a flat-earther, but Solvin retorts that if it was round, it'd fall off the back of the turtle.
- Tuatha trying to make sense of anything Missandere is saying:Tuatha: This is all a bunch of gobbledygook to me—well it's not, I actually do know a bit of gobbledygook. I'm not proficient in it but I picked up a bit here and there.
- After being unable to follow the rules of wild space, spell jammers, pirate law, and Missandere's plan, Tuatha announces that they should've just gone to hell. Solvin agrees, saying they're less complicated.
- Solvin confirms that his cat is a Maine Coon. Flint asks what Maine is.
- At the end the group declares that they'll probably have to kill Delilah, and they're just gonna take over wild space instead of continue Mina's quest.
014: Creative Problem Solving
- The party's opinion on spell jammer wizards: they trained their whole life to die in a box.
- Delilah slowly and purposefully takes a bite out of all the food she offers the party to demonstrate that it's safe to eat. Tuatha is watching Flint instead, since he doesn't care and is eating everything much faster.
- Alan describes a creamy corn as one of the items in the banquet. The group assume he means creamed corn, but he clarifies that it's corn with a cream-like cob. Everyone is horrified by the concept of what is essentially a corn twinkie.
- When discussing how to potentially disguise Delilah, Tuatha only has a disguise self spell. Solvin has a crowbar.
- In a continuation of the party's inability to remember gods' names, they begin coming up with really mundane names for them (such as Clark for Chaos and Carol for Mishakal), forcing Alan to stifle laughter as he tries to correct them.
- Near the end, when discussing wizards stuffed into boxes, the party begins comparing them to boxed wine (great for company when you're not being fancy, but not as good as bottled wizards).
015: Sudden Pressure Changes
- Shannon's not worried about the party being stuck in a bathysphere and underwater drifting towards another Tower of Sorcery because she saw Jurassic World, and the main takeaway she got from it was that nothing bad can happen when you're inside a glass sphere.
- When questioning why a fish man would have a penis, Alan has Jake roll nature. He gets a natural 20 on his dick check. Jake also points out that this is the only kind of knowledge check he's rolled for that he succeeded at, which means that Tuatha knows very little but does know what that dick do.
- When the merman begins speaking to them in their minds:Josh: Do merfolk have telepathy?
Alan: They do.
Josh: That's crazy!
Jake: Well they gotta talk underwater, sound doesn't really travel under there.
Josh: I just imagined they'd do whale cries.
Jake: Oh they are a hoot at above ground parties.
Shannon: They're just in the corner screaming.
- Followed by several examples of such screaming, and Shannon commenting that it sounds beautiful underwater.
- When they realizes the merman is asking them to slay the witch in the Tower, Shannon wonders what kind of money fish have. Josh immediately declares Sand dollars! and nearly sends her into hysterics because she wasn't ready for such an obvious joke with that much enthusiasm.
- The party then finds that their arrival was foretold by the goddess Lunitari. When Tuatha asks who that is, the priestess is taken aback and has to double check. Their antics make her triple check a few minutes later.Flint: See, now you've got them second-guessing their own goddess!
- They also initially think that the third party member is named Flont, but it was just a smudge on the scroll.
- While telling Janna that they've already eaten, Flint becomes disappointed because he's always hungry, then Solvin has a traumatic flashback to the corn twinkie from last episode.
- When discussing blood wizards, Janna explains that their big magics require great sacrifices. Solvin suggests an emotional sacrifice—as in, not sacrificing something you care about, but making eye contact with the cashier at Publix.
- When Janna starts asking Tuatha if she's a spellcaster (she is, but she's a sorcerer and wizards don't like sorcerers), Solvin tries to change the subject by complimenting her on how good she can draw circles. Tuatha just straight up asks her if she and the other wizards are eating the local merfolk.
- When they finally let Janna open a portal to Mara for them, they still don't know if they want to go through because they don't trust her fully. No sound passes through the portal and they want to get her attention, so Solvin throws his cat through.
- They keep on trying to figure out ways to talk to Mara without going through the one-way portal, and it goes on for so long that Janna begins to lose focus. So Tuatha throws ''Janna'' through the portal.
- Afterwords everyone is panicking a little due to the mix of concern and glee that appears on Alan's face thanks to this development.
- The stinger features an extended discussion on how good The Shape of Water looks, and also Solvin asking the singing servant to sing Free Bird.
016: Extremely Efficient
- The cold open has to be heard to be believed, as it features the narrator completely drunk and complaining about the party to another, unknown party.Narrator: Magi
Stranger: That's not my name.
Narrator: You would not believe this shit. Okay, like, okay. So you know how I had this plan for like eons?
Narrator: Uh, buh, they threw her through - they threw her through a portal.
Narrator: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! They threeew they threw her through a portal, and now idunno! IIII don't—I don't—what are they doing? What are you doing? What are they doing.
Stranger: I'm really hoping you sober up and finish this story.
Narrator: Uh huh buh—but I can't finish the story they done fucked it up!
Stranger: Okay. I'm gonna say this once. One: my name is not magi, stop it.
Narrator: You're name's Magi.
Stranger: Two: you're a god!
Narrator: Oh yeah!
- Janna's foot is left behind after they're shoved through a portal, and Solvin decides to keep it despite it pouring blood. Solvin puts it in his own bag, since it wouldn't be the first time he kept someone's body part in there. Tuatha is a little curious, but mostly terrified. Also:Tuatha: How much blood is in a foot usually?
Solvin: About a foot.
Tuatha (singing): Fantasy Ziploc
- Trying to make things less suspect, Solvin puts a rug on top of the bloodstain and, when the blood seeps through, looks for an empty wine glass.
- Later on Tuatha wonders how to keep it from oozing everywhere, and suggests a Ziploc bag, leading to
Alan: Keep all your foots fresh!
- The foot is the gift that keeps on giving because shortly after its deemed both a lucky wizards foot (that you can hang from your keys after drying out), and the equivalent of a AAA battery if you shove it in a box.
- Solvin wonders aloud at what a dead wizard could possibly need six diamonds for while casually stuffing them into his bag.
- When Mara lambasts the party for disappearing for six months and then chucking an amputee at her through a portal, Solvin offers to give her back the foot, and then tosses it through the new portal. The one-way, communications-only portal. When it lands with a concerning thud, Solvin offers to get a new one and even asks what her size is.
- When they find out that the foot has been turned to platinum, they try to dibs it as payment.
- While Mara agrees that Janna and the wizards should be punished for enslaving merfolk, she balks at the idea of the party slaughtering an entire Tower's worth. Tuatha suggests anyone who gives us lip, which she also disagrees with, and Solvin brings it down to oops, one already.
- Guys, I have a new, exciting, bad idea.
- In response to Janna calling her a blasphemy against the gods for being a sorceress, Tuatha just flicks them in the nose. They're left more surprised than anything else.
- Solvin points out to Tuatha that her threat to call Lunitari against Janna is basically her saying she wants to speak to a manager.
- During the back half of the episode, Flint got confused thanks to the Wild Magic table. All his checks result in him either not being effected or just not taking any actions. So while Solvin and Tuatha are interrogating Janna, he's just standing outside with Mara and a blank look on his face. Solvin even takes a moment to dunk on Tuatha for putting Flint in a time out.
- Tuatha takes off Janna's gloves to check if they're a human, and they are.Tuatha: Ah, just don't like getting your hands dirty? That's pretty wizard-y of you. I get it.
Janna: Well when you have components like bat shit, you might wanna wear gloves too. Oh, but you wouldn't know about that because you're an abomination and you don't do magic correctly!
*Solvin begins to laugh*
Janna: Instead you try to bend the forces of reality themselves to your will?! Without any sort of structure?! You're insane!
Solvin (cackling): Are you bragging about touching batshit?!
- Tuatha comforting the merfolk that they accidentally brought back to Palanthis with them.Merwoman: Our people do they even know we're gone? Do they even care?
Tuatha: Oh, they super-care. There was one dude who was like kill that bitch in there, and we were like "totes", and then we did!
- Tuatha then tells her that they met a cool fish-man with a cool dick. The merwoman, with just as much seriousness as before, asks if his butt was cool as well. Tuatha assures her it was.
017: Tomb Ravers
- For starters, Jake spent this episode Four Lokos deep.
- Mara tries to explain that they're there to find a god and fight a demi-lich, but the group immediately zones out.Mara: So are you sure about this, the three of you? This is foolish. You know this is foolish.
Tuatha: I don't know that it's foolish.
Solvin: I didn't think it was until right now.
Tuatha: Is it foolish?
Mara: You weren't listening the entire flight over?
Tuatha: To you?
Solvin: Look us in the eyes and tell us that's a thing we would do.
Flint: I definitely woke up ten minutes ago.
- She gives them some whisper stones and Tuatha immediately asks to pierce her nipple with one. She fails a dexterity roll and decides to pass.
- Jake burps.Jake: Maybe Tuatha's been drinking!
Josh: What do you mean, "maybe"?
- Alan later calls it an ASMR stone.
- Flint can summon an Unseen Servant. Named Chester.Jake: Can we see the unseen servant?
Alan: It's in the name.
- The party finds a long-winded message from Asharak that goes on for quite a while long (and with a funny British accent), and Josh has to ask if they're in a Monty Python module.
Alan: As you move to within touching distance the left hand base stone begins to glow yellow, the righthand base stone orange, and the keystone seven feet above blue.
- As they try to solve one of the puzzles.
Solvin: We get it, you vape.
- They immediately start referring to a route down a cave shped like a devil mouth image as a gloryhole. Flint sends Chester through it and he dies. Again.Tuatha: That's not the glory hole that I like.
- Flint's armour is tight enough that his nipples dented it outwards, like Batman.
- Flint tastes some shiny dust to try to figure out what it is.Alan: There was actually a skill for this in 3.5 called "appraise".
Jake: Called "huff dust".
- Tuatha finds a Gem of Seeing, and the party tries to figure out how to get around the twelve-use limit to it, including making it a monocle, taping it to her face, and transforming it into a contact lens.
- Another puzzle.Alan: And there are globes all through these frescoes, and they are two dimensional of course—
Jake: Hold on.
Josh: A globe can't be two-dimensional...
Jake: Hold on! Let's back it the fuck up!
*Alan presumably tries holding the module up to the camera*
Jake: No no no no no Alan, don't show me any text that I can't read.
Alan: I am reading straight from—
Jake: I want you as the God-slash-Jesus of this game to tell me how a globe can be flat?! Alan are you a flat Earther?!
Alan: Fuck you, no.
Shannon: Where's the curvature?
Jake: Is Gary Gygax a flat Earther?!
- Later they are described "large, freestanding, large candelabras" and Alan has to confirm that it does say "large" twice.
- Tuatha's wild magic causes her to cast Alter Self, and Jake reiterates that whatever she becomes she's gotta be hot because her charisma's off the charts.
- Tuatha hopes out loud that she doesn't get shorter. She becomes a mountain dwarf, standing at a "towering" 3'4".
- Flint tosses Tuatha through a door over a spike pit and enjoys it so much he tosses Solvin too.
- Also with regards to all the spike pits. "Get a new gimmick, ass rack!"
- Tuatha uses wild magic to try and save Solvin from falling into a spike pit. Alan is completely thrown when it turns out one of the results of the wild magic table...is in French. It causes 5 flumphs to appear beneath Solvin and push him to safety, notice him, panic, and scatter.
- Solvin describes mummification as "basically just pickling". While holding a bunch of skulls in his arms. He puts one back when he notices one has some meat on it still, because he doesn't have time to clean it. When Tuatha asks if he's gonna mail them to his girlfriend or something to get her going, Solvin confirms. Smash cut to Solvin's girlfriend sighing wistfully at the thought of all the skulls Solvin is bringing home.Solvin's Girlfriend: My bae is the skull hunter.
Shannon: Yeah, you need a man who brings home the skulls, that's the way the saying goes.
Josh: Bringing home skulls!
Jake: Gotta go to the old skull mines!
Shannon: I put skulls on the table. I'm a provider!
Jake: I think Solvin can rename his class "skull miner".
Shannon: I mean what is a ranger/rogue combination but a skull miner?
- When trying to figure out which of the remaining skulls Solvin could toss into the pit to check for traps, Tuatha suggests checking which one doesn't spark joy.
- Tuatha accidentally casts polymorph on herself and almost turns into a sheep, but manages to resist it so that all she gets is woollen hair.
- While trying to figure out which door to go through, Solvin checks one and discovers it's just a door painted on a wall. Not that that stops anything.Solvin: I hate this person. It's a wall! We fell for a door painted on a wall.
Tuatha: Flint, kick that door's ass.
Solvin: It's a wall!
Tuatha: Just kick it.
Solvin: It's a wall...
Flint: We'll see.
- Flint rolls an 8 on a strength check and dislocates his knee trying to drop kick the wall.
- The party comes across an alluring singing woman and tries to remember what kind of creatures sing. They come up with sirens and...opera singers.Singing Woman: O! Is that a fair voice I hear?
Solvin: How can a voice be fair? Fair just means pale.
Tuatha: I'm actually pretty tan, I spend a lot of time in the sun.
Solvin: So do you talk white?
Tuatha: I'm half-elf so probably, yeah.
** The woman is standing in ankle deep water, but Flint chooses not to cross, figuring that at some point it just drops into yet another spike pit.
- The party enters a room filled with corpses.Tuatha: Oh gross.
Flint: That's fine.
Singer: *shrieks, faints*
Solvin: Finally, some room decor I can get behind.
- Solvin compares checking all the corpse's pockets with going through blind bags, and how once you get one thing you wanna keep trying until you find the whole set.
- Tuatha shrinks seven inches because of wild magic. But then she rolls againand manages to grow eight, resulting in a one-inch net gain. And shortly after shrinks another seven.
Solvin: You're taller now.
- Another wild magic roll causes Tuatha's head to enlarge for eighteen seconds.
- When Jake comments how sad he is about Tuatha repeatedly shrinking, Shannon offers him a skull in this trying time.
Jemjammer Episode 15: The Haunted Galleon of Lunitari (The Fallen Jammer pt.1)
- Alan imitates a hamhorn noise, and Jake asks everyone if they want a real one. He's quickly shot down.
- After the bathysphere crashes into the Kestrel, Mr. Herst can be heard from the wardroom shouting about his house of cards collapsing.
- Alan can't help but describe he impact as a cacophony of sound.
- The first thing Solvin does is ask if his skulls are okay.
- Mara's shocked reaction to Mr. Herst, and Tuatha's non-reaction.Tuatha: It's just a well-dressed hippo, pick your jaw off the floor.
- Solvin asks if it's too late to just close the door and pretend that none of this happened.
- Tuatha cutting off Mara's introduction to ask where the bathroom is.Mara: I told you to go before we left Tuatha.
Tuatha: No you didn't! We came out of a tomb and you took us into space, do not even pretend you told me to go before we left!
- Cacophony is immediately in love with the extremely revealing outfits Mara gave the Fallen Gods' party—before she even meets them.Cacophony: There's good fashion aboard!
Jylliana: Did everything just get 20% sexier here?
- Tuatha has become very attached to the bathysphere.Tuatha: If there is so much of a scratch on my baby, I swear to your gods—
Mara: There are many of them dear, take your pick.
Flint: *rummages through his bag, pulls out Gideon's book This one?
Tuatha: No, I like that one.
- Cacophony and Mara are immediately horny for each other upon seeing each other.Jylliana: Did a burlesque show crash into here? What the hell?
- Solvin desperately hugs his bag to his shirt, clearly uncomfortable with how sexy his outfit is. Tuatha loves it.Tuatha: See solvin, we would look like fools if we showed up in our own clothes!
Solvin: I would rather look like a fool!
- As Cacophony and Mara flirt, Jylliana's reaction is "oh no there's more of them".
- Turns out the spear that Finn is using as a spitroaster is actually a Dragonlance, an ancient and powerful weapon thought lost. Mara faints upon seeing it, as it's worth all the riches on the planet.Solvin: Oh, that's why I recognized it. *starts making room in his bag*
- Solvin sums up the show's plot.Solvin: We're just putting gods in a bag, it's no big deal.
Jylliana: You're pitting what in a bag?!
- Tuatha tries to show the Kestrel crew the page in Gideon's book where Flint shudders, so Flint tries to tear the page out and eat it. It doesn't work.
- Tuatha tries praying to Mina to see if she knows Ethla.Jake: Do I have to roll?
Alan: No, you just have to genuinely pray to Mina from your heart.
Jake: *deep sigh*
Shannon: Just sing Madonna's "Like a Prayer".
Jake: I don't know that one. *starts muttering the lyrics to "Material Girl"
- Solvin gets so awkward around Mara and Cacophony's flirting that he switches between wanting to hurl himself into the sun and wanting to stuff Mara in the bathysphere and hurl her into the sun.
- Tuatha is commando under her dress because no one wears underwear in space.
- As they approach Lunitari.Annie: That's no moon, that's a goddess.
Kit: You sounded so angry when you said that!
Maq: That's rough, buddy.
- Coming across the titular haunted galleon.Josh: It better not be named Enyo or we're out.
Alan: It has a U-shaped deck.
Jake: We're out!
- As Tuatha begins lusting over Lachlan, Jake asks for the horniest Lachlan art they have. Annie starts singing "Jolene" in her head.
- Jylliana becomes exasperated as she sees Mara and Cacophony returning from their time together below deck. Solvin offers her some teeth to comfort her. He's not sure if they're from Draconians or from humans.Jylliana: I think I'm full up on teeth, but thank you.
Solvin: That sounds fake but okay.
Jylliana: On a scale from one to ten, how horny do you people think space is?
- Further discussion on Mara and Cacophony's intimacy.
Tuatha: Uh, ten?
Solvin: Zero. It's space.
Mara: Anything is horny if you try hard enough.
Cacophony: I agree with Mara.
- Cacophony studies the way Allura's robe billows. Tuatha has other concerns.Tuatha: We're in space, where's that wind coming from?
Solvin: Where's our breathable air coming from?
- With regards to Tuatha's continued Malicious Misnaming:Jylliana: I don't think you've gotten a single name right on the first try aside from Lachlan's.
Tuatha: Well, now you know what's important to me. How big are Yvon's arms? Maybe I'll remember his name better.
Tuatha: Evan, please!
- Shortly thereafter:
Jylliana: Guess he's not that hot.
Tuatha: So you have a brother. Is he—
- Furthermore Yvon, a cleric they meet on Lunitari, has the same name as Solvin's brother Evaan. It prompts a discussion about said sibling.
Tuatha: Don't what?
Tuatha: Don't what?
Solvin: You know.
Tuatha: No I don't think I do.
Solvin: Let's go on that boat!
Tuatha: Couldn't you just say what I shouldn't don't?
Yvon: I don't think he wants you to fuck his brother.
Tuatha: I don't...necessarily—
Solvin: It's actually the reverse because I don't want Evaan to do it.
Tuatha: At all or with me specifically?
Solvin: With anyone. *beat* He's unstoppable.
- It's around this part of the episode that the Fallen Gods crew apologize for alienating the entire Jemjammer listener base by being so horny.
- When Mara explains that Lunitari is both a goddess and the moon itself, Flint starts trying to figure out how to fit the moon in a bag.
- Tuatha's head enlarges again.Jylliana: There's a metaphor for big ego in here somewhere.
- Annie noticeably perks up when Alan explains the backstory of Dargaard keep, which is almost entirely "Dragonlance bullshit".
- In the stinger, Maq's cat sneezes. Shannon declares that that's how she's going to leave conversations now: "My cat just sneezed, hold on".
018: Great at Dragons (The Fallen Jammer pt. 2)
- Cacophony interrupts the Narrator to tell the episode's story, claiming to be a far better storyteller than he is.
- It's established that Kit is the GM in this session. They promise not to try and not kill anyone, and Jake hopes to hold them to that because he's their favourite.
Jake: Yeah! Welcome to Krynn, where rules don't matter!
- Also, Alan pulls up the wild magic table for no reason.
- Aelfgifu has been sick and can't quite remember her species. But when Kit tells Vicki she doesn't need to go into a lot of detail, Aelfgifu just starts reiterating her entire backstory.
- Since they're preparing to fight a dragon, Mara tries to get a hold of the Dragonlance again.Tuatha: Mara, no, get your dirty hands away from that Dragonlance!
Solvin: Wait, is that the thing that's worth a lot of money? Because I agree—
Tuatha: Solvin! Get your dirtier hands away from that Dragonlance!
Solvin: I'm wearing gloves! They're so clean! My hands are. The gloves are filthy.
- As everyone looks at the Dragonlance:Aelfgifu: There's a lot of imagery going on here with everybody touching something.
Mara: And it's kinda phallic shaped?
Tuatha: But when I casually swing around my veiny, throbbing spoon, I get looks.
- While most of the parties are in awe of the power coming off the Dragonlance, Solvin can only feel how expensive it is.
- Everything pauses so that Alan and Maq can describe the outfits Mara and Cacophony put on before they bang. Naturally, Maq's description goes on for a while, to the point where Jake mistakes a pause for breath as the end.
- As they leave for Dargaard Keep:Jylliana: Well! *claps* Can't wait to die away from home!
* The Fallen Gods party make fun of the Jemjammer party for having three potential healers while they have none and have been doing pretty well for themselves.
- After Jylliana has an emotional explanation of her trouble with keeping in contact with Ethla while off-world, Tuatha offers to loan her one of their gods.
- Tuatha's crush on Lachlan rears it's head in the worst possible way, right in front of Jylliana.Tuatha: He's so tall I'd have to go up on him.
Jylliana: *internal screaming*
- Mara explains that Dargaard Keep is the former home of the Death Knight Soth. Everyone agrees he sounds like an angsty fourteen-year-old.
- Debating the effectiveness of dropping the bathysphere into the tower and crushing the cleric there.Jylliana: We are not that lucky.
Flint: You never know until you roll for it.
Alan: That's a T-Shirt we need!
Jylliana: It's a spaceship! It's not a blunt instrument!
- Another plan suggested is flying the ship over the dragon, turning the engines off, falling on it, and then fleeing again.
Solvin: Everything's a blunt instrument when you try hard enough.
Aelfgifu: That sounds eminently reasonable. There must be something wrong with it.
- Solvin finally suggests killing the cleric first and hoping that causes the undead Draconians to die as well.
- After determining that their best chances still involve risking the lives of everyone on board, Alana points out that they should make sure everyone involved is okay with the plan.Cacophony: I'm fine with it. Lachlan!
Cacophony: You heard the conversation, you're in the forecastle.
Lachlan: You're asking me if I'm okay with dying?
Tuatha: You're not gonna die.
Cacophony: You're not going to die, we're going to pull this off! But on the off chance that the five percent happens, are you okay with that?
Lachlan: I mean, people are gonna die if we don't do it, right?
Flint: If there was some kind of gravity slingshot maneuver we could do...
Tuatha: We could just do a Sticky Mickey on the dragon!
Alana: Vali is downstairs.
Cacophony: I'm yelling through the pipes.
Jylliana: Somebody's gotta sign to Finn...
- Kara says that if anything goes wrong she'll just grab Toolbox and leave. Cacophony asks Toolbox's opinion. Kara pauses before reminding her that Toolbox is a cat.
- Jylliana offers to repair Flint's armour. He follows her to her quarters and everyone goes "Oooh!"
- She asks how well Flint can take a hit, and Flint says that he's great and definitely never got his head slammed into a table by a waiter.
- She also points out that using Mending spells without knowing what you're doing can, for example, heal your nose wonkily and make you snore like you're drowning in pudding.
- Once she's finished, Jylliana tells Flint to maybe stop saying crude things about Orcs because she now knows all the weak points in his armour. Flint's face goes completely white.
- When Tuatha waxes poetic a bit about the merman they encountered, Cacophony dubs him a "Mermimbo".Cacophony: How come our adventures are never this sexy?
Jylliana: You fill the quota.
- As they fly in, Tuatha has the great idea to use enlarge...on the dragon...to make it easier to hit. Jylliana loses her mind on her, telling her that it would make way more sense to either a) shrink the dragon or b) enlarge the Dragonlance. Any confidence she gained in the Fallen Gods party over the past hour is shot.Solvin: Yeah I usually just hide until they're done.
Jylliana: That sounds like a great idea.
Cacophony: You can't hide, dear, you go "clink clank clonk".
- Josh never looked at what Fighters and Eldritch Knights get when they level up. As such he had no idea about Bonus Attacks, Action Surge, Second Wind...the only thing he was aware of was that he could dual-wield axes. He doesn't even question it until the Jemjammer crew ask why he's only attacking once per turn. He also immediately blames Alan for not telling him about his stuff.
- The Kestrel ("our flammable, beautiful, baby bird") and some of the players catch fire during the dragon fight, and Aelfgifu asks if she can due anything about the fires.Jylliana: I don't have water magic! I do radiant damage, if I can manage that!
Aelfgifu: Then get a bucket!
Vicki: We're on a spaceship and we don't have fire extinguishers?
- Cacophony doesn't mind being on fire because it makes her look cool.
- Kit tells Aelfgifu where to find buckets of sand and water to put the fires out.
Kit: We barely have a gun. What do you want from me?
- Cacophony, still on fire, declares the situation "emberassing". When Kit tells her to take damage, Maq initially contests it because Kit told her she was allowed to make puns since she was the bard. Kit points out the pun is fine, but Cacophony is on fire.
- After healing Flint with a ditty that sounds like a Verizon ringtone, Cacophony uses Vicious Mockery on the undead dragon.Cacophony: Dear, I hope you know you aren't making a single scratch!
Maq: I need it to roll a wisdom saving throw.
Annie: Does that pun connect to anything?
Annie: I don't think that works then...
Maq: Okay, okay, how about "I've gotta say, you're really draggin us down"?
Annie: You've got a bone to pick with it! Come on!
Alan: That's just Power Rangers now.
Kit: It doesn't matter how bad the pun is! It failed!
- As Flint kills the dragon he manages to grab the head and deposit it in Solvin's lap.
Flint: That's okay. I just don't know what to do with that head.
- The Narrator tries to wrap things up before Cacophony returns, but she did leave him with everyone's twitter handles and email addresses—much to his confusion.
Jemjammer Episode 16: Dargaard Keep (The Fallen Jammer pt.3)
- To keep his skull safe, Solvin clips it into the bathysphere with a seatbelt.
- Kit airdrops a handout of Tekkaris' notes on Cacophony and Tuatha, and Jake flinches just because it's so long.
- Kit takes over the "Tuatha didn't go to that class" gag by saying she was there, but paid more attention to painting her nails than anything academic.
- Aelfgifu, Mara, and Solvin roll stealth checks. Solvin, with a combination of good rolls and bonuses, gets a 39.Kit: Okay you disappear from the campaign.
Shannon: I have gone to another dimension, goodbye my friends.
Alan: Now we have to figure out how to bring Void into The Fallen Gods.[[labelnote]]From The Chimera Program[[/labelnote]]
Jake: No crossovers, banned.
Shannon: I'm in the blinds watching you, or whatever the hell is happening in Interstellar.
- As the party climbs the staircase they see an Elven woman.Kit: Very beautiful, very dead.
Annie: Very goth.
Shannon: The ultimate goth: dead.
- Tuatha moving after her turn in roll20.Jake: Am I under Flint again?
Kit: You are under Flint again.
Alan: I'm not saying anything.
- The Draconian's turn comes around.Kit: Let me just double check what these guys do...ooh!
Annie: Oh no.
Kit: Who was the biggest pest last turn?
- Since she already used a bonus action on her turn, Cacophony cannot use Healing Word as one as well. But what she can do is do a flip and shove a healing potion into Flint's mouth.
- Jylliana finally reconnects with Ethla and is able to fly back to the tower after the battle with a pair of shining spectral angel wings.Solvin: Cool, does that mean you can heal me now?
019: Split the Party (The Fallen Jammer pt. 4)
- The Lady Tika has to take over for the Narrator after he falls asleep, tuckered out after recounting the very long tale.
- When Jylliana runs to catch a falling Tuatha.Annie: There's something I wanna do.
Alan: Do it.
Annie: I wanna catch her Superman Lois Lane-style.
Jylliana: I've got you.
Tuatha: Then who's got you?
- Jylliana tries to prioritize healing by asking if anyone is going to bleed out in ten minutes, yes or no, right now.Tuatha: Flint a lot of your blood is on the outside.
Flint: I'm fine.
- Then Josh asks what would happen if Flint chugged his three vials of black dragon blood, and everyone quickly tells him he would die.
- Tuatha didn't realize that they fought the dragon and Takaris on the moon and not on Krynn. Except no, it turns out Jake Mason the human man thought that they went back to the moon to fight them. It's a full three minutes of everyone killing themselves laughing while Jake tries to defend himself. After a while Josh also points out he also thought he was on the moon. But at least Shannon was paying attention.Shannon: Solvin knows we're not on the moon.
Annie: At least somebody does!
Kit: How is that the bar we're setting? "Knows we're not on the moon".
Josh: Hi, welcome to the Cool Kids Table. Have you listened to this show?
- Tuatha is so pissed off at everything she's had to go through she threatens to turn the moon into a pine cone.
- The whole thing is played off as Flint and Tuatha failing a spot check and not realizing they're no longer on the moon.
- Tuatha loots a Ring of Flying off of Takaris, but Aelfgifu is able to guilt her into giving it to her since she landed the killing blow.Tuatha: I'm sure my party would get jealous of how cool my flying is anyway.
Flint: I'd actually be cool with it.
Tuatha: Don't rub it in Flint!
- Tuatha stuffs Takaris' dress in her bag while prestidigitating the blood and gore off of it. Something nasty still falls off of it.Solvin: Oh, but I'm gross when I put weird stuff in my bag.
Tuatha: I cleaned this first, you put wet meat in your bag!
Kit: I'm gonna write some Kindle porn called Put Wet Meat in Your Bag.
Shannon: Does it help that it was a tongue?
Kit: Yeah! It really does.
Maq: I've read weirder.
Kit: I think I broke Annie.
Vicki: I'm not a mother tonight, just ignore me!
- As they get into the topic of what it would be called if Chuck Tingle wrote the story, Kit points out that their mother is still present.
- Trying to figure out a pub they can go to, they can only think of the one where Flint got beaten up by a waiter or the when where he saw a ghost and got scared.Flint: There's gotta be somewhere we can go where I haven't been punked on yet...
Tuatha: It's a tradition at this point.
- Alan describes the bar they go to as "where high-end people go to get turnt."
- Tuatha and Solvin leave it as soon as they realize that Mara knows the owners, because they still don't like her and would rather be in a place a little shittier. Shannon suggests one that looks like the "Blow" music video. Mara knows the owners there too.
- Tuatha complains out loud about having too much money and not knowing what to do with it. Captain Bondar suggests paying to repair the hole that she and her party punched in the Kestrel.Tuatha: I'll give you some cash. Be cool, Alayna!
Captain Bondar: To you it's Captain Bondar.
Tuatha: We're not on your ship anymore, you're Alayna now!
Jylliana: I don't think she was ever Alayna, actually.
Jylliana I'm not helping.
*Captain Bondar stares at her blankly*
Tuatha: Let's get you a beer!
- There's a decent bard playing at the pub. Cacophony tries to accompany him, but is so good that she ends up taking over the set and he ends up accompanying her.
- During this Maq takes a look at her instrument proficiencies. Of course she has viol and harmonica, but it turns out she also has bagpipes. And starts using them to play "Wonderwall".
- During the Dance Party Ending, Tuatha ends up dancing with Mr. Herst.
- Flint somehow manages to ace his performance roll when he tries to dance, and everyone says it's basically dance fighting. Or hip-hop-kido.
- Aelfgifu chooses not to participate in the dancing because Vicki is pretty sure if she tried it'd just be the little kicks (which does cause Annie to clap in delight). So instead she gets drunk and tries to fly away with her new ring.
- Fortunately Kara grabs her and pulls her back into the bar, so she starts dancing and flying. She winds up on the ceiling.
- When Mr. Herst takes Aelfgifu to bed, Tuatha tells him to throw her to Solvin. He does so, literally, leading her to collide with the elf while he's wine-mom dancing.
- The next morning, hungover Solvin hides under a table while reenacting the fight with the dragon using his skulls as puppets.
- Captain Bondar has heard of the Unity, the Spelljammer that the Fallen Gods crew were on a little bit ago. Since they're pirates, she doesn't want to associate with them. The Fallen Gods crew try to defend themselves by pointing out they definitely didn't do anything to help them, and didn't even want to go through that portal.Solvin: I wanted to go to Hell but no one else wanted to go. It looked fun!
Alan: Alan really wanted you to go to Hell because then he could've been Raestlin Majere.
Kit: Annie really wants me to go to Hell, but for unrelated reasons.
- Cacophony thanks Captain Bondar for not throwing any of them in a box and forcing them to pilot the Spelljammer. Jylliana muses that putting Cacophony in a box every so often would make things a little quieter.
- When Alan asks Shannon what Solvin's brother looks like, she pauses before saying that he kinda looks like Marluxia, which causes the entire table to lose it.
- As they're leaving, Jylliana stops in a bookstore and buys the Dragonlance novels because she likes historical fiction.
- The last exchange between the two parties before they part ways.Tuatha: Hey Lachlan!
Tuatha: Jyll's carrying a real torch for you so you gotta put that out one way or another.
Tuatha: See you later byyyyeeee!
- And as they lift off, Jylliana asks her comrades to just throw her off the side of the ship.
- Just before they leave the atmosphere, Cacophony transforms back into Xilwin by tearing her outfit off and launching her bra off the ship at the Fallen Gods party.
20: Dreams in Palanthas
- Jake would like to introduce his guests: nobody!
- Mara tells Tuatha that Triscuit has been very good in her absence.Tuatha: Why aren't you good in my presence?
*Triscuit yaps at her*
- After Tuatha gets a scrying mirror and Solvin gets keys to apartments for the three of them, Flint feels left out. Solvin gives her the envelope back, and Mara hands it to Flint, who accepts it happily. Then hands it back to Solvin because he doesn't have pockets.
- Solvin is disappointed that his cool new arrows are white.Solvin: I should've told him I'm a rogue? Ah, I'll dye it later.
Tuatha: We'll spray paint it!
Solvin: I'll just dip them in some blood.
- Tuatha's apartment is the only comfortable one out of the trio's, on account of Flint's having nothing but a bed and a rack for his "various and sundry loincloths". Solvin's is decorated in skulls and forestry.Solvin: I put a stick in there to recreate my natural environment and feel uncomfortable.
- Tuatha helps Flint barter with an artificer.Tuatha: I have intimidation, so maybe I'm just standing behind him like "you better do it". But quietly.
Flint: Are you intimidating me into intimidating him?
Tuatha: Go in there and tell him you're not paying 8,000 gold, that's ridiculous! I will give you—
Tuatha: Thirty! Platinum. We're not animals.
Tuatha: There's a lot of masturbating in here, bud.
- When that fails, Tuatha looks through Gilean's book to look up the artificer's dirty secrets.
Solvin: You're just gonna slut shame this wizard?!
- After this entire ordeal, Josh decides that Flint has no concept of money or what the value of anything is.
- Josh wonders why anyone would put stat points in anything when you can get items that increase your stats. Jake points out that some people should do that because they're the fighter and their strength should be more than two higher than the sorcerer.
- When the party has a shared dream, Tuatha asks if the other two are real and not just her dreaming of them. Flint and Solvin get grossed out when they realize what that could imply.
- When Josh asks how magic the city they're in is, Alan replies "yes".
- Alan asks if Tuatha has a fainting couch in her apartment. Jake states that she has several fainting couches.
- Josh wonders if they can have any entertainment in their apartments, like fantasy television, fantasy radio, or fantasy podcasts.
- When she enters Flint's apartment after the dream, Tuatha prestidigitates the dirt away from her. Josh does confirm Flint has a bathroom because he may have been raised by wolves but, y'know, polite ones.
- Solvin gestures in the direction of Darken Wood while posing, and almost dabs.
- It turns out the Unicorn that Tuatha summoned several weeks ago is known as The Forest Master. When it seeks out the party in their dreams, Tuatha claims that the two of them are best friends.
- Tuatha suggests riding centaurs through the Darken Wood when they arrive.Solvin: Don't, just, don't. They're mostly a person and the person parts are just real assholes.
Tuatha: I mean but like...maybe the centaur could ride me, that'd be kinda fun I think.
Solvin: Please don't fuck the centaurs!
Flint: Okay! I'm gonna go back to the apartment and sheath the lance I got...
Solvin: I think she needs to sheath her lance.
- Tuatha mocks elven aging, claiming that Solvin is just as old as she is and just took longer to bake.
- Mara starts describing someone who's likely Solvin's brother, but Solvin initially dismisses the possibility because Mara says they never slept together.
021: Pure of Hearts
- Trying to figure out the spelling of Darken Wood, Shannon suggests it's like an In-N-Out; "Dark-N-Wood"!
- While flying the bathysphere, Tuatha declares herself "king of birds" and charges at a flock of birds, knocking two out of the sky. Flint and Solvin silently agree to ensure Tuatha never gains any actual power of people after this.
- The bathysphere makes the same sound as a modern, non-fantasy car when it's locked.
- Alan can't remember which part of a centaur is the flank, and which is the whither. Josh tells him to just call it a butt.
- The centaurs default to Solvin as the party's leader because he's an elf and clearly at home in the woods.Tuatha: I'll let you have it.
Solvin: We're in a forest! It's the only place I do things well, okay?
Tuatha Okay, no one's arguing. *to the centaurs* What's the riding you situation? Probably a no, right?
Solvin: Oh my god!
- After Solvin tries to defend Tuatha's attitude by saying she's horny, the centaur she spoke to starts to preen rather than be offended. Flint threatens to toss him in a pond if he encourages her.
- Tuatha tries to refer to the main centaur, Garus, as Derek, because he looks like one she used to know. From the waist up, of course.
- The party tries to play off their responsibility in the Forest Master suddenly disappearing from their glade, suggesting it had to run to the bathroom and that's why nobody could find it.
- Garus asks what they think happens to the forest when it has no master.Tuatha: Free real estate?
- Alan describes an area they find in the woods as a font of magic.Josh: Like Comic Sans?
Alan: It's like—
Jake: It's Copperplate Bold.
Alan: It's like—
Alan: *silent disappointment*
Shannon: *softly chuckling* We're done.
Jake: Webdings! *stifled laughter* No, nononono, we're done, we don't need any more puns.
- After Tuatha opens a portal to another version of Darken Wood in the glade she finds, Flint decides to test it out by holding Solvin upside-down by his ankles and dipping him in the pond.
Solvin: Probably not, if I'm honest. I'm nice?
- As soon as Solvin says he sees the forest master, Flint tells him to grab it.
- Alan describes the Unicorn's expression as if a horse could look concerned. Shannon points out that's how most horses look by default.
- Solvin asks if he's pure of heart enough to touch The Forest Master.
The Forest Master: You asked.
Solvin: Yeah, I'm considerate, but I do kill people for a living so I think it's like, fair and pure of heart of me to be upfront with you about that?
Flint: Hey Solvin?
Solvin: I got this!
Flint: Please don't pop while you're in my hand.
- Alan describes a feeling of pure rapture descend upon Solvin's mind and asks how Solvin reacts. Shannon says it's the same way he reacts to everything: awkwardly.
022: The Ways Home
- The Narrator is disappointed that the characters have started doing recaps inside the episode, somewhat rendering his job moot.
- As the characters wake up that morning, Josh states that Flint doesn't actually sleep. He sits upright in his bed with his sword and armour at the ready.
- "Hag" (actually Evaan in disguise) starts getting overly affectionate with Solvin, and gets yeeted for his trouble.Shannon: This bitch empty.
- Triscuit tries to talk to Tuatha, but she reminds it that she doesn't speak dog. So it tries again slower.
- As Tuatha begins flirting with Evaan, Solvin confirms that it's her mother that was elven and not her father because, in his own words, Evaan has spread himself pretty wide across Krynn.
- Tuatha doubts that The Ways are only accessible by druids, pointing out that she only just recently opened "a whole-ass portal to unicorn hell".Alan: This game has diverted so far from anything that the Alan who started writing this adventure ever thought it would go.
Jake: Yeah go back and tell eighteen year old you that these three fucking goblins are gonna wreck everything so bad.
Josh: I don't think any one of us is a goblin. You're a half-elf.
Alan: Three goblins in a trenchcoat?
Jake: I don't think I'm three—
Josh: After the wild magic you're two goblins.
- Flint's hawk Gretchen is fascinated by Evaan's connection to nature, but Tuatha misinterprets it as Gretchen wanting to fuck him.
- As they travel The Ways, Josh suggests playing "The Way" by Fastball in the background.
- As Tuatha chills out with the forest magic, she suggests Solvin should do the same and could use some chill. Solvin adamantly refuses to chill.
- When they see the forest being more dead than usual, Tuatha suggests calling The Forest Master over. Solvin holds the horn up to his head like a phone.
- When the question of how to get the ring away from Solvin's dad comes up, Tuatha immediately suggests seducing him.
Flint: I have two axes to cleave him in two.
- The possibility of having to kill their dad is also discussed, and Solvin is pretty chill with it (and actually more onboard with that than seduction).
Solvin: If anyone's gonna penetrate my dad, that's how I want it to go.
- Solvin's short version of Evann's backstory—he got high and became a hippy.
023: Family Matters
- As they continue talking about patricide, Evaan is less enthusiastic about it. Solvin clarifies that he'll do it for the right price.
- They decide that they'll try talking to him and, if that fails, Flint declares that they'll take his hands in a tone similar to a different Cool Kids show.
- Solvin and Evaan both get extremely good stealth rolls and basically disappear into the fog, but Evaan rolled slightly better. Tuatha is sure to point out that Evaan managed to disappear faster, much to Solvin's chagrin.
- Tuatha and Flint are led to the chief's house at blade-point and left there with a caged and tortured prisoner and a head on a stick while Yvalios is fetched. Tuatha passes the time by humming the theme from Western Animation/Doug.
- When Yvalios demands to know what Tuatha and Flint are doing there, Tuatha declares that she's engaged to Evaan and wanted to get to know her father-in-law.
- For the record, it's about halfway through this episode when they realize no one ever stated Yvalios' name out loud. Jake wants to call him Daddy, which is quickly vetoed.
- After shooting his finger off, Yvalios looks right at the disguised Solvin who proceeds to...point at someone else. Which leads to everyone laughing at how Solvin can't lie because he never has to lie to people he's killing.Solvin: I didn't see where the arrow came from, it was too fast.
Jake: Whoever shot it was fucking awesome.
Shannon: They were great. I bet they have an eight-pack, they're real hot.
024: Dream a Little Dream
- Alan asks if anyone has a map, and is met with the expected lack of preparation.Alan: I'd think maybe Solvin?
Shannon: I have a thing that says "parchment", who knows what's on it.
Alan: Okay so you have a map!
- Tuatha really wants to take a hot air balloon at some point in their journey, convinced that she can make it go faster with her magic. Solvin doesn't trust anything about that plan.
- Flint turning around.Josh: I finished Tuatha's net and slowly turn around, not menacingly, just—
Jake: You just straight turn around?
Josh: Yeah I just straight turn around.
Shannon: I expected you to keep going like you're on a wheel.
Jake: And here we have a nice Flint! Welcome to Fantasy QVC.
Shannon: For five payments of $5.99!
- Flint excuses himself to investigate the woman watching him, under the pretence that he's taking a shit. Instead he finds a knife that belongs to the orc bandits who kidnapped him.Flint: Those sons of bitches.
Tuatha: Ew, gross, don't talk while you're doing that!
Solvin: I believe in you!
Alan: Who does Number Two work for!
Shannon: You're the one who said you're taking a shit and coming back with a knife!
- Josh then lampshades how silly the gag is, which is countered by them pointing out the past episodes of Cool Kids Table that featured an hour of dinosaur cloacas and an hour of merman dick.
Alan: It's you're poop knife!
Jake: Oh no let's never call it that.
Shannon: Just use leaves!
Josh: I'll give you a dick spoon but I draw the line at poop knife!
- Jake (via Tuatha) calls out the infamous case of wizards pooping in hallways and magicking it away from Harry Potter, and would never do that. Because that's wizard shit.
- Trying to determine a scale for spoon throbbing, with Alan suggesting a scale from Limpid to EDM music and Jake saying it's at 12 bpm (boners per minute).
- Flint shows the knife to the other two as evidence that the path they're on is dangerous, and Solvin immediately asks if he can have it.
- When Flint mentions his nightmare included screaming and "steel on steel", Tuatha assumes it was homoerotic and cuts him off.
Tuatha: Let me interpret your dream for you.
- Also Josh fails an insight check on the intentions of the woman he saw, but Shannon and Jake pass.
- Solvin is impressed by Tuatha prestidigitation her tent away, and comments that he should've become a sorcerer too.Tuatha: You can't just become a sorcerer, it's not like a wizard where you just read a book.
Solvin: I know some spells! *switching to Shannon* They're just in a different notebook over there.
- And she still has to get up and grab it to check what her favoured enemies are.
- They spot a group of orcs, then try to figure out what a group is called (Jake suggests a GWAR of orcs). When they confirm it's the Band of the Eye of Gruumish, Alan says Flint's hackles raise.Josh: Yes. I'm hackled.
- Shannon lists the sweet bonuses she gets against surprised enemies, orcs, and surprised orcs, much to Jake's awe.Shannon: Rangers are cool, you guys are just mean.
- After Josh notes how similar the orc captain sounds to him, he jokes that they look the same too. Jake declares that this must be Flont.
025: Two Men and a Little Lady
- Jake introduces himself by cracking a can open and declaring himself Two Beer Jake.
- Attempts to help clarify how DnD works to Josh result in the realization that Josh has never added his strength or proficiency to any of his attack rolls.
- Despite guessing his name as either Gruumish or Flont in the previous episode, this time the orc leader is almost exclusively called Master Chief.
- Alan describes one of the approaching orcs as pulling a wagon, except he uses the words "carrying" and because of misinterpretation changes it to the orc carrying it over its head.
- Flint takes 19 points of damage.Flint: Nothin'. It's like he threw his baby tusks at me.
Solvin: What?! What does that mean? And can I have them.
- Solvin's turn.Shannon: There's a guy fighting Tuatha?
Shannon: Not today! Does a 15 hit?
Shannon:...one more day!
Jake: He lives to fight another six seconds.
- Tuatha uses wild magic to stop herself getting hit by a nat 20 and ends up turning herself, Solvin, and the attacking orc into barnyard animals. The orc is a cow and Tuatha's a Goose. Solvin's a chicken, and falls out the tree he's been hiding in since combat started. Then another roll gives her x-ray vision, for as long as she's a goose. Flint notices none of this.Jake: If you die as a cow do you die in real life?
Shannon: Do I have proficiency with my claws?
Josh: You've only been a rooster for like ten seconds.
Shannon: But I understand toes.
Josh: You could be a really tall eleven year old!
- Solvin envisions himself as a majestic hawk flying in for the kill, but he really is just a rooster flapping all over.
- Tuatha the fire-breathing x-ray goose.
- For that matter, Jake rolled wild magic to get the ability to cast a cantrip, and Tuatha grows nine years younger. Tuatha goes from twenty to eleven. And Alan states that it counts as a curse...but so do the height changes.
- Really, just Jake killing himself laughing at the fact that Flint just killed his mortal enemy in what should be a somewhat emotional moment, and meanwhile he turned into a gosling while there's a really angry chicken and dead orc-cow nearby.
- When eleven year old Tuatha appears, Flint says that she's not legally allowed to hold the spoon anymore.
- Flint doesn't know how to deal with children, so throws Tuatha in the air...with a strength roll.Tuatha: Don't yeet me!
- Solvin is even worse with the concept of an age that young and doesn't know if Tuatha can even eat solid foods yet.
- Tuatha flirts and immediately regrets it because, y'know, eleven. Then the group realize the optics of a half-elf child travelling with a grown human and grown elf and Solvin starts panicking.
- They're lead to a priestess in Nairgoth by a knight named Sturm Brightblade.Flint: That's not a real name.
Sturm: It is the name of a legendary hero of the lands and it is my honour to carry it.
Flint: Yeah that's a fake name. I'm Flint.
Sturm: You're named after a hero of the lands too?
Solvin: Like "The Rock".
Flint: Yeah I'm Dwayne "The Flint" Johnson.
- When they meet Liara the priestess of good, Flint tries to get the height curse reversed instead of the age curse to Tuatha's fear.
- Solvin takes a detour to go to the temple for evil gods. The priest there tries to approach him, and Solvin just starts emitting a high-pitched noise until he leaves him alone.
Solvin: I'm so sorry. This has never happened to me before.
- While he's in there, Mishakal's light starts pouring out of the groups shared bags.
- After Tuatha is restored to her original age and height, she basically bursts out of the little girl's dress she was wearing. She digs the look though.
- The "you can sit with us" ending gets an addendum that if you grow too short you'll need a booster seat, and if you become underage then you're gonna have to leave because it's an explicit podcast.
026: Taste Testing
- Josh really wants to ride his horse. When told that they need to take a boat to the next destination, he declares he's riding his horse on the boat.
- They first arrive in the town of Good Bay, and to get to Thorbardin they need to go through South Gate. The party starts roasting everything for being named after what it is. It doesn't help that the town also contains a Hamlet named "Hamlet" and a tavern in the Western part of town named "West Tavern".Alan: It is probably the finest inn in Goodbay.
Josh: It's even better than Finest Inn?
Alan: The sign is just a compass rose—
Jake: Oh like Best Western! I just got it.
Shannon: I just pulled it from a hat and now it's real. I'm sorry I have this power, I wasn't expecting that. I'll try to use it for good but I make no promises.
- Josh says she should use the power to get them to the next artifact. She tries to invent a place called "East Artifact".
- They also need to go through the forest of Qualinosti.Josh: Quali...Quali-nasty?
Alan: Quali-nosti. Qualinasty if you're nasty.
Tuatha: I'm nasty.
Flint: Oh I'm nasty.
Tuatha: Oh it's nasty when I get through with it.
- The bard in West Tavern is a human man named Guy Humman.
Alan: The vibe check in here is good.
- Tuatha scopes out the common room.
Jake: Alan I'm thirty, I do not know what that means.
- Tuatha and Flint both get uncomfortable in the public baths for separate reasons and end up leaving at the same time. They end up going through the common room with nothing but towels (Flint's covering his midsection and stopping at the waist) and Tuatha has to tell everyone she'll buy a round if they stop gawking at them.
Solvin: I'm not associated with them, I don't speak common.
- Solvin, of course, is embarassed by this.
Tuatha: It comes standard on character sheets!
Solvin: I erased it.
- Solvin tries to pick up on gossip from the crowd without being noticed. Shannon rolls, with advantage, a one and a two.Shannon: I just go "I'm gonna go hide" and then don't move.
Solvin: Sorry, I'm getting turned around in here. It's our first time in Good Bay.
- Solvin ends up finding a group of elves who stop talking when he gets too close. He then messes with them by taking a few steps back and a few steps forward, prompting them to stop and start their hushed conversation a few times. Eventually a woman steps in front of him to make him stop.
Elf Woman: Of course. It's very confusing to be in a tavern with one open floor.
Solvin: Mhm. I'm also bad at people. *leaves*
- Jake reminds the listeners that Tuatha is 5'7" again, which means she has more room for alcohol now.
- After several bad rolls during the session, Shannon tries to climb up the side of the tavern to Tuatha's room.Shannon: Dice, don't fucking embarrass me.
- Alan mentions Solvin spotting a glint of metal outside the window. Josh comments that that's Flint's cousin.
- When another glint of metal appears inside the room, Jake jokes that Flint has a whole family reunion happening.
- Solvin finds a blade and bites it to see if it's real metal. Turns out it is, and it's poisoned. Shannon spends the next five minutes kicking herself for not bringing antidotes, but then remembers that she can down a healing potion and she'll be fine. Josh tells her to keep biting it every day to gain immunity.
- Flint tries to get the number of the Dragonborn guy he's been playing cards with (and maybe flirting with), and they wonder if whisper stones have frequencies. Alan suggests joining the guy's discord.Jake: Now I'm trying to think of a rock that sounds like discord but I can't because I'm not a geologist goddammit!
- Josh gets disappointed that the guy's name turns out to be Klarbin, thinking he deserves a cooler name.
- Solvin explains the situation:Solvin: This dagger was in your room, there was poison on it—
Tuatha: "Had"? What happened to the poison Solvin?
Solvin: Nothing, it's still there, just a quarter missing, don't question it.
Flint: Hall & Oates?
- After Tuatha reveals she's the elven princess of Qualinost.
Tuatha: No, not—
Flint: *singing* Whoa here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up!
- Tuatha and Solvin hear Flint having a dream about Klar. They think it's a Homoerotic Dream, but it's just the two of them punching each other.Shannon: Dreamweaver..?
- At breakfast the next day Tuatha criticiszes Flint for eating his breakfast too fast, then downs three mimosas the minute she sits down.
- Solvin doubles back to spy on the people following the group. Shannon rolls a 14, but the others only get a 1. Shannon says she must be singing the Sneaking Song from Galavant.
- When Solvin manages to sneak attack one of them in the middle of their conversation, Josh worries that they're killing off another important character before Alan's plans can come to fruition. Alan points out that he never got a name, so it's fine.
- When Flint misses a few attacks, Alan says that one of them accidentally hits the man's horse—then walks it back when everyone gets distressed about hurting the horse.
- Tuatha doesn't like Naetara calling her "highness" because it sounds like another word for "butt".
Tuatha: Lighten up, lady! You're gonna get worry lines or something.
- Naetara doesn't know why Tuatha was chosen by Mina, since legends say she only approaches the broken and Tuatha seems fine. Solvin thinks he may have tipped the scales a bit.
- Naetara's general anxiety around Tuatha.
Naetara and Solvin: We're elves.
Tuatha: Jinx! Okay, all elves are beautiful forever. I get it! Fine. Elf solidarity or whatever.
Solvin: If we could get worry lines you know how many I'd have?
Tuatha: Oh, you'd look like the old man of the mountain.
Solvin: I'd look a hundred and whatever-I-am, I forgot already. Twenty? I think so.
- Solvin gets self-concious when Naetara calls him handsome and he retreats into his hood. Tuatha mentions that if Solvin ever tried to kill her, she could just flirt with him and than bounce while he gets self-concious.
- Solvin gets concerned he's being weird, then turns around and loots body parts off of a partially-scorched corpse.