Funny / Cool Kids Table

For episodes of The Fallen Gods, see here.

For episodes of Sequinox, see here.

Side-Episodes

Episode 000: We Should Have Talked About This

• Josh suggests that, in a hypothetical supernatural pirate game, they kill Cthulhu in the first episode.
  • Shannon wants tentacles for innocent reasons she swears.
• When Shannon describes Ryutama as Harvest Moon meets Studio Ghibli, Jake asks her to clarify which Ghibli movie she's talking about—specifically, whether it's Grave of the Fireflies or literally anything else.
• Alan mentions how he always puts a Chocobo King named Lord Wark into his DnD campaigns.

2017 Wrap-Up

• When asked what it's like herding cats in Sequinox, Shannon awkwardly declares “It's great!”
  • They also state that regardless of the issues it has, they're sticking with the Sailor Moon RPG system because “this is the hell we've chosen”.
• Jake states his desire to do a Monsterhearts arc even if it destroys his wholesome image, leading Alan to ask if he even has one.
• When Alan suggests playing Paranoia, Josh complains that he doesn't own any red shirts. Shannon points out that he works at Target so all his work shirts have to be red, and Jake points out that he's got red on his shirt right now.
  Josh: It's just a weird extra level that I don't get, I guess.
  Jake: Just fucking buy in, Josh!
  Josh: This is the age gap, I don't get the kids.
  Shannon: By wearing shirts?
• The fact that Josh started developing a home-brew system for a The Legend of Zelda game, and it somehow got burned down and turned into Here We Gooooo!
• Apparently David pointed out a rule in the Serenity RPG system that would've made Josh's character more useful, but Shannon vetoed that because it wouldn't be as funny.

2018 Wrap-Up

• It begins with everyone declaring that all 2019 plans are cancelled and they’re just going to be writing Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction.
• Soon after, Shannon sends the boys...something. It loads slowly so for the first several minutes they're just waiting for it to finish.
  • Partway through Jake talking you can hear Alan cringe and say "oh christ!". Later:
  Alan: God it's just staring at me in this little thumbnail.
  Jake: Turn Sonic off.
  Josh: No Sonic, banned.
  Jake: Josh, you know we cannot abide by that rule.
  • Also, Jake complaining that discussion about the Sonic movie has completely derailed every podcast he recorded that week.
• Alan suggests Overlight: Kaleidoscopic Fantasy.
  Jake: That sounds a little flowery Alan, lemme ask you one question, when I roll a die do I get to look at a number or do I have to describe a picture?
  Alan: You get to look at a number.
  Jake: Do I have to have taken several art classes to be able play this game?
  Josh: Each die is just one cube taken out of a Rubik's cube.
  Jake: You gotta dice 'em together.
  Shannon: I'm the only one who has a colour wheel, I'm gonna rule at this game.
  • When Alan explains that it's both a setting and a system, Jake casually asks if there's a way that they can fuck it up.
  • When Josh asks if he can just be a blue guy, Jake starts muttering the lyrics to the song by Eiffel 65.
• The comparison between Shannon and Alan, who’ve had the next chapters of their respective campaigns planned for several months to several years, and Jake and Josh, who can at best say that their next chapters might look like.
• They wanna get back to Firefly because Kimmy has so many grenades and Roc has so many hats.
• Jake explaining that they really don't know what they're doing at any given point because they don't have outlines. They're not cops.

2019 Wrap-Up

• The suggestion of making a Creepy Town sequel set in space leads to the terrifying ordeal of a crossover with Ghost Ship Enyo.
  Josh: Every room is a U-shaped room!
• On the topic of the Fallen Gods crew singing karaoke, Shannon initially says Solvin wouldn't enter the building. Then she changes it to this.
• A prospective Harry Potter game that is separate from Hogwarts: The New Class is tentatively dubbed "Harry Potter Not-Y'all".
• After jokingly suggesting James Van Der Beek to play Caiden in a live-action Sequinox, Shannon suggests him to play the version of Vivaldi that Yuki fantasizes about. Alan loses it.
• Apparently David will come back for Firefly if the group agrees to follow the game rules more closely. Shannon's pretty sure that means they'll never return to it. Jake is confident that he can break him.
• Question: Now that you've all DMed a game, what are some new tricks of the trade you've picked up for new DMs to try?
  Shannon: Panic.
  Jake: Don't write anything down.
  Josh: Design all your levels as a straight line.
  Alan: Find what works for you and stick with it!
  Shannon: Panic.
  Jake: Take a note.
  Shannon: Yeah, write things down.
  Josh: I have actually a really good tip for new DMs: don't do it!
  Jake: Don't!
  Shannon: Also that.
  Jake: Get a sucker to do it like Alan! He's way better at it.
  • Josh says the best way to keep the rules straight in your game is to make your own game.
• One question wants them to put together a super-group of various characters to stop an apocalypse. Josh wants to put the T-Rex on it, but then considers dinosaurs not being historically good at stopping apocalypses.
  • They put Tuatha and Caiden on the team because on the one side, his violin gives her better rolls. On the other hand, Tuatha is a lot and Caiden can only handle so much. After they put Golden on the team too so that he can silence Tuatha for Caiden's sake.
  • Josh suggests they play a game with their various characters but they all have to follow the rules of their home game.
  Alan: That would be a fucking nightmare to run.
  Jake (at the same time): That would be amazing!
• In a discussion on scary Buffy monsters, Shannon mentions not being scared by much of anything in the show. Jake points out that her metric for fear is a little messed up.
• Josh doesn't like gum, which makes his Self-Imposed Challenge from the first episode of the show even funnier.
• In the ending Alan casually mentions Adventures in Wonderland. After a few moments of unfamiliarity, Jake and Josh have horrified reactions to the intro as it jogs their memory.
  Josh: This was definitely something my brain tried to lock away, so thank you for that.

All I Want for Christmas

Part 1

• Rather than writing it down, the game suggests the players track the amount of bubblegum their characters have using actual bubblegum, and to eat a piece whenever the characters lose one. The group agree, but Jake didn't prepare so instead used fancy chocolate truffles.
  • Josh declares he's going to do a "no-spit challenge" and keep chewing every piece of gum he eats until the game ends. By the end of the game he thinks his jaw is broken.
    • Turns out Josh doesn't even like gum, which somehow makes this even funnier.
• While Shannon describes Britney's hair as a half side-ponytail with a scrunchy, Jake murmurs how the 90s were a great and mysterious time for hair.
• Trying to come up for a name for the campaign, Josh suggests "Stuffed Stockings" to Shannons chagrin.
  Jake: We could call it "All I Want for Christmas".
  Shannon: Isn't that already a shitty Christmas movie?
• Alan is hesitant at using a Boston accent for fear of offending Bostonians, only for Jake and Josh to egg him on in thick Boston accents themselves. Then they do claim to be offended when Alan accidentally uses a New Yorker accent.
• Jake trying to figure out what to call people in a marching band.
  Alan: Watch what you say about band people.
  Jake: I didn't know what to call them. Do you have a special name? Bandketeers?
  Shannon: I don't think that's it.
  Alan *through gritted teeth*: Band members.
  Jake: Nerds! We'll just call them nerds!

Part 2

• Jake claims that his character Chrissy wrote a knock-off of Harry Potter called Harriet Gardener and the Alchemist's Fuckin' Whatever. He later claims it's The Alchemist's Cup, but keeps forgetting and uses the original version.
• After deciding that anything can be hacked because this is set in the 90s, Jake declares Chrissy is going to hack a jet ski. With a nail file.
  • Said distraction then crashes into a Dick's Sporting Goods, or as the players state, "slams right into Dicks".

Small Magic

Part 1

• Almost immediately after the episode begins Jake gets distracted by his phone, which he phrases as "boys blowing up my phone". It then leads to Alan and him going off on a tangent involving the lyrics of "Milkshake" by Kelis.
  • Stege has a horse named "Soda Pop". Despite the story taking place in an Eastern-styled Low Fantasy setting.
  Jake: What is a soda pop? It's my horse.
• One of Janus' items at the start is a "magic jam bottle".
  Shannon: You open it and Space Jam starts playing?
  • The item actually turns any food put in it into a week's worth of rations in the form of jam. Alan suggests they make ham jam.
• Ryuutama has the GM and players create the world together. So what does the Cool Kids' world have?
  Jake: Windmills!
  Josh: I remember the windmills.
  Jake: Well you better, that was the best part.
  • It's then stated that the windmills weren't given a purpose at the beginning, Jake just really wanted windmills.
• Stege was just trying to buy some new boots when he was summoned by the Queen, which the others have a lot of fun with.
  Josh: You're walking up to the boot shop when "Excuse me shitty teen! The queen requests your presence!"
  Shannon: Someone around town: "Quick we need a shitty teen!" And you're the only one who rose their hand.
  • This also means that Stege never got to buy his boots, and is also barefoot. He doesn't even get boots when the group starts shopping for supplies!
  • As for the rest of Stege's outfit:
  Josh: I also picture you without a shirt…
  Jake: It's not a great shirt. It's basically not a shirt. I imagine it used to be a shirt?
• When Alan describes the majesty of the Queen, Jake adds that she has great abs. Alan simply rolls with it.
• While looking for a cart to help Shirley the sheep carry the party's items, they get what Alan calls a "carting" montage.
  • The cart they pick costs 100 gold pieces (the amount each person started with). Stege is against this until the shopkeeper compliments him and the bird in his hair (which he had nearly forgotten about). Stege immediately hands over the gold.
  Janus: So we're not splitting it?
  Maggie: Just let him make this mistake.
• Stege's complete terror of being bathed, from getting sensory overload from the amount of nice smells to him having to be shoved into the bath by Janus.
  • When Janus mentions using fancy oils to clean him, Stege mistakes them for cooking oils and thinks Janus is planning on eating him.

Part 2

• Janus tries to tell an innkeeper that he's the Prince in order to get the part another free night's stay, but the innkeeper doesn't believe him (since they're so far away from Castle Town). Maggie ends up having to drag him to their room while he cries about having to pay and she sternly tells him that "sometimes people have to pay for things!"
• Janus fails his travel roll, which means he'll lose half his HP on this leg of the journey. This happens by him trying to show Stege their map, leaning too far over from the cart, and falling flat on his face.
  Janus: Waaaah! I wanna go home! Prophecies suck!
• While the group travels through a BBC Quarry, Alan describes their surroundings.
  Alan: There's rocks, and then a river...and then five people dressed in brightly coloured things fighting monsters...
  Shannon: *laughs*
  Josh: What was that...
  Alan: Wait what was that last one?
  Jake: Roll the tape back?
  Josh: Hey Alan? No crossovers.
  Shannon: Banned!
• Stege catches a fantasy turkey that lives in the quarry. The group name it a "furkey".

Part 3

• During dinner the next morning:
  Janus: We have spoons right?
  Stege: Not out in the woods, it's jungle law, we got no spoons here!
  *Janus stares directly at him while eating with a spoon*
  • Josh then realizes that it wouldn't make sense to eat the meal with a spoon anyways because it's just chicken and potatoes.
  Jake: You get it wet enough, anything's a soup!
  Josh: No, this is hash and chicken, it's not wet hash.
  Jake: You just pour some water on there, boom! Hash chicken soup!
  Josh: I think we're making Shannon sick.
  Alan: Yeah that's pretty gross.
  Shannon: I never wanna hear that again.

Creepy Town

Part 1

• Alan states that the goal of the "Dead Teenager" system is to emulate slasher movies. Jake points out such great examples as Jason X, A New Nightmare: Freddy's Back, and Scream 5. Josh suggests Halloweentown.
• Shannon considers making her character Ethan's compulsion football, and no one's sure how an irresistible compulsion to just toss that pigskin around would work (though Shannon does use The Room (2003) as evidence that it could happen).
• Jake asks whether there's a difference between theatre nerds and band geeks, causing Shannon (theatre nerd) and Alan (band geek) to aggressively declare that yes, there is. Jake just starts giggling over how easy it is to bait them into that kind of rage.
  • Comes up later in the stinger: "You're singing and being dramatic! That's band and theatre, they're the same!"
• Walter the D&D nerd's fears are appearing stupid and mindflayers.
• When discussing the movie's rating when it comes to sexual situations:
  Jake: I mean, I am a slutty cheerleader—
  Josh: And one of your characters is too!
• Walter's first line is him trying to shoehorn a claymore into a torture shack room at the haunted house.
  • When Will and Alli point out that it wouldn't fit with the hillbilly torture shack they're making, a teacher supervising them comments that they're not supposed to use the word "hillbilly". When Will asks what they're supposed to call it, he doesn't get an answer. He goes with "bumpkin torture shack".
• Shannon asks if the axe in one of the haunted house rooms is real, and Josh confirms yes, obviously, it's a slasher movie.
  Shannon: I just want to check on how irresponsible these teachers are!
• Shannon takes the inspiration for her room from Event Horizon, which Josh has never seen. She tries to explain parts of it, including this line:
  Shannon: Where we're going, we don't need eyes!
• Oliver and Will suggest they add angry dogs to the Dracula room. Veronica and Alli are against getting big dogs that could bite people, so they suggest small dogs like Yorkies.
  Oliver: Count Yorkula! TM, TM, TM!
• When the lights accidentally go out in dress rehearsal, everyone freaks out and grabs something close to them. Frank grabbed a vase and started fondling it because he thought it was a boob.
• The school mascot is a knock-off Sonic the Hedgehog costume, and the town is so small that nobody cares.
• Walter shows up to dress rehearsal in costume…a fantasy wizard. When the others get frustrated with him he storms out while muttering "fireball" under his breath.
  Spencer: Walter if you cast another spell I'm throwing your ass out!
• Stacey suggests that instead of rigging the bed in the exorcism room to shake mechanically, she and Ethan can make it shake themselves. It goes right over Ethan's head. Veronica, meanwhile, is fuming.
  Will: *aside* I'm the only person in this room who doesn't wanna fuck Ethan.

Part 2

• When Alan is describing how hot Frank looks like without out his shirt, Josh comments that Stacey probably wishes she was there right now. Jake retorts that Stacey and Frank have absolutely already fucked.
• Oliver reminds Frank to start the chainsaw near the ground so that he doesn't end up like his friend and cutting off his dick and nose.
  Frank: Agh!…I use those.
• When Ethan is killed, Jake loses it because that was his favourite character—or rather, Stacey's favourite character.
  Jake: IS THAT HOW IT IS ALAN? IF VERONICA CAN'T HAVE ETHAN NO ONE CAN! YOU DID THIS!
• In his continued practice of Wrong Genre Savvy, Walter dresses as a Jedi Temple Guard. Without a shirt. Though people complain that he glows in the blacklight because he's so pale, so he gets shamed into putting it back on.
• Stacey doesn't hear Dianne die because she's fiddling with a noisy bag of leaves and trying to keep Walter from peaking up her skirt.
  Josh: The only guy in the game she doesn't wanna fuck…
  Jake: Hey, we'll see where the cards fall. Any port in a storm!
• The group decides that Dianne's last action before their death was writing My Immortal.

Part 3

• While retconning to add more gore to episode 2, Jake also adds that Stacey's Britney Spears costume is actually a Sexy Frankenstein costume, which leads to some weird tangents.
  Josh: Is she gonna rebuild Ethan? Is she gonna go so crazy that she rebuilds Ethan?
  Shannon: Is it gonna be like Young Frankenstein but instead she fucks him?
• “Does this happen in the Bible? Chainsaw 6:8?!”
• While trying to escape, Will and Stacey are distracted by…semantics.
  Will: I saw Frank cut a guy into pieces! What do you want from me?
  Stacey: How many pieces?
  Will: Two pieces!
  Stacey: That's…half!'

Will: But they weren't equal pieces?!
Oliver: Let's not argue about how many pieces Ethan is in, because either way he's not in one!

• Alan starts setting the scene as the group travels back through the spooky forest and comments that scary music is playing. Jake immediately declares that the scariest music is “Believe” by Cher. And once he does, a distorted version of that song begins playing in the background.
• After Stacey attacks the monster, Jake tries to turn the game into Dungeons and Dragons by asking what the monster's constitution is and how much damage he's done. Then Shannon tells him that it's useless because he didn't equip scan.
  Josh: I don't get it, what's scan?
  Alan: Scan is the most important skill!
  Jake: I didn't know, okay? I put all my points in fucking!

The Wreck

• Jake defends the last two seasons of Scrubs, so long as you consider the last season Scrubs 2: Still Scrubbin'.
• Alan has a Self-Imposed Challenge for this game: don't break character as the ship's AI ALAN, no matter how zany the group's antics get. Which means everyone is going to try and get him to break. Even when they divvy up the responsibilities of the character, Josh takes inventory, Shannon takes mapmaking, and Jake takes breaking Alan as his personal win condition.
• When Jake jokingly calls himself a lazy boy, Alan takes that as his official designation. Josh tries to change it to Green Ranger, but ALAN then refuses.
• Shannon tries to put Joy Hibler's ghost into the inventory, but she refuses.
  ALAN: Also, she does not fit in your inventory.
  Shannon: Well not with that attitude.
• Upon finding Oran Hibler drinking wine, ALAN states that Lazy Boy politely declines a drink from the bottle. Shannon doesn't like that, and tries to take the wine because they're gonna need it later.
• Lazy Boy asks ALAN to Google what a “Simile Gene” is after they find some in the remains of a crew member. ALAN responds that it doesn't recognize that command, causing Jake to react in disbelief at the idea that Google isn't around forever.
  • Later a combination of inputs causes ALAN to hear “Boober” and asks why they are discussing Magmar. Jake loses his shit.
  Jake: You know Magmar's Japanese name but you don't know GOOGLE!?
• Trying to input Professor Elizer's password, the group guesses “Elizer”, “Password”, “1234”, “Enyo”, and “Pussymaster69”.
  Shannon: Damn, how'd you figure out my password?
• While trying to open up a linen closet with the items in the inventory, Lazy Boy tries the rope, the stool, the rope “better”, the rod, and the rod tied to the rope.
• ALAN states that one of the cubbies in the daycare room belongs to Ellie Spoon.
  Shannon: Someone's last name is Spoon?
  ALAN: That is correct, Lazy Boy.
• Jake tries to figure out a locker combination and puts in 1-1-1, 1-1-2, and 1-1-3 before getting locked out for five minutes. Lazy Boy leaves and returns…and tries 1-1-4.
• When Lazy Boy finds Professor Elizer, he asks if there's anything he can help him with.
  Shannon: Cabinets.
  Josh: Passwords.
  Jake: What are your favourite three numbers?
  • After Professor Elizer's Motive Rant about what happened on the ship years ago that leaves him on the verge of tears…
  Shannon: So you don't know how to open the linen closet then?

Firefly: The Zelda Chronicles

001: We Only Have The One Rule

• After Shannon's husband David gives his backstory, including how Shannon is how he got into reading and eventually writing comics, Shannon comments “I'm basically the reason you exist. You're welcome”.
  • Gets a callback later, though, when the group sees David taking notes on plot points, unlike the rest of the group who basically fly by the seat of their pants and forget a bunch of things between sessions.
  Shannon: David's basically the only reason I can exist as a person because he helps me put it all together.
  David: It's a full-time job.
• Before they start, Jake apologizes to the creator of the pre-made adventure the group is doing because the party is definitely about to fuck it up.
  Jake: I bought 30 grenades for a reason!
  • And his character Kimmi's appearance in the opening credits is her holding two grenades and shrugging, implying that she'll totally blow you up and does not care.
  • The titular rule of this episode is “Kimmi, no grenades”.
• Shannon's character is named “Roc Me Amadeus”, and is played by Noel Fielding because she wanted to play Noel Fielding IN SPACE!
• After naming their ship Zelda, the group debates what they can call the adventure without getting sued. Josh suggests ‘’Zelda's Adventure'' because it's a CD-i game and those don't exist.
• Jake complaining that Stacey from Creepy Town couldn't get any action across the entire game, but here Mickey gets dick forty minutes into the first session without much effort.
• After they spot a Reaver ship and start trying to escape undetected.
  Mickey: I'm very fond of my skin. I think Tim here is also fond of my skin, I'd like to keep it intact.
  Todd: Honey, my name is Todd.
  Kimmi: Tim this is no time for semantics!
  Mickey: Sweetie, if we get out of this alive I'll call you anything you want me to!
• Later, Josh admits that Mickey's plan if things go south is to throw Todd to the Reavers as a distraction as he has no intention on following through with all the flirting they've been doing. In a different room on the ship, Todd's heart breaks.
  Todd (sadly, to himself): I'm not gonna get boned?
  • When they decide to trap Todd in a locked room to keep him from interfering while they complete the salvage, Caleb says that Mickey probably has handcuffs. Mickey confirms that he has a variety of handcuffs.
  Mickey: Hey babe, what's your favourite colour?
  Todd: Blue silk?
  *Mickey slaps the blue silk handcuffs on him*

002: Guns, Guts, and Sunhats

• Alan mentions that the airlock to the Alliance ship is sabotaged, causing Jake and Josh to start singing, much to Alan's confusion.
  Jake: It's a Beastie Boy, Alan.
  Shannon: Just one.
• Mickey apparently flew the escape ship to the Alliance ship with either Ace or King (or maybe both) in his lap, which confuses Jake regarding the logistics of doing that.
• When entering the bloody room, Mickey faints at the sight of blood. When he starts to come around while still in the blood room, Roc slaps his tinted shades onto Mickey's face to hide the sight of it. Shannon also points out that Roc is wearing a second pair of shades underneath the first.
• After Todd tells the crew that they won't get paid unless they complete the whole job and get him the fuel from the refuelling ship, he also reminds Mickey of the “private hour” that he'd promised him before hanging up.
  Roc: Gross, so we're throwing this guy in space right?
  Mickey: Oh for sure.
  Kimmi: Yeah I'm good with that. Caleb, any objections?
  Caleb: Ok, well, throwing into space, uh…probably would object.
  Kimmi: Well, three-to-one, so…
  Mickey: We will gently nudge him in the direction of space, and what happens happens.
  Roc: Oh no we left the door open and he tripped.
• Despite barely escaping Reavers and losing two men to them, Roc is more torn up about losing his nice sunhat that he'd put on Ace's head than anything else.

003: RE: Fuel

• Josh excitedly declares that between this episode and last he has coloured in his character sheet to make it look prettier.
• Josh trying to figure out how to slide cheese and crackers under the door to his room for Todd to eat, including justifying that the door gap can be high enough and that he manages to slide the plate far enough to reach him on the other side. He ends up having to spend a plot point for it.
  • When Todd tries to ask what happened to Ace and King, Mickey is already running back down the hall to the shuttle.
• To prepare for potentially battling with the Reavers, Roc tapes a tiny top hat to his spacesuit and leaves his sunglasses on. Mickey wears his coat over his suit.
• Caleb suggests remotely shutting down life support to the fuel ship so that they don't have to worry about Reavers, only for Roc to point out that he literally just did that (which is doubly funny because that's what happened in real life too—David didn't notice that Shannon was rolling to hack the ship).
  • Roc clarifies that he's pressed the button but hasn't taken his finger off of it yet, so life support hasn't been shut down yet. Which is good when they hail and find out that there is a survivor there. Roc awkwardly asks if anybody has a paperweight. Though the Reavers are still there too, so the survivor isn't around for long.
• Mickey passes out as soon as they get to the refueler and see Reaver corpses, but rolled such a good piloting check that he successfully docks the ship anyway.
  • To get him into the now gravity-less ship, Roc ties a rope to his and Mickey's waists and drags him in like a balloon.
• Kimmi checks if the group has any weapons other than her assault rifle.
  Caleb: I have a pistol.
  Roc: I have a machete.
  Mickey: I have…rings.
  Kimmi: We're gonna die.
  • Mickey also has a his cane with him. Not a Sword Cane or anything, it's literally just a prop to make him look cool.
• When the group thinks their shuttle is being stolen by Hands of Blue.
  Alan: You see a shuttle leaving, but it's not your shuttle.
  David: Okay, crisis averted.
  Alan: But it is headed towards your ship.
  Jake: Crisis re-verted!
  • And Roc and Mickey are more concerned with their hats and coats, respectively.
• When Caleb uncovers a crate filled with a biological weapon.
  Roc: So I shouldn't drink it?
  Caleb: No, you would die horribly.
  Roc: That sounds boring.
  • And when Caleb determines whether Todd knows about said bio-weapon or not.
  Caleb: You want the fuel. Just the fuel?
  Todd: Yes. Why, is there something else there?
  Caleb: No.
  Todd: You're lying.
  *Caleb hangs up*
  • After which Jake adds “New comm, who dis?”
• The episode ends with Todd lying naked on Mickey's bed, waiting for him in a “draw me like one of your French girls” pose, only to be disappointed because it was Kimmi who walked in.

Hogwarts: The New Class

001: Voluntary Second Puberty

• One minute into the episode, real!Matt is already waving around a wand.
• Alan describes the cinematic opening as splitting into a four-way split-screen, which reminds Jake of GoldenEye (1997). What follows is a minutes-long debate between all five about who gets to play which character, and which cheat codes are active.
• Jake tries to explain Portkeys to Josh, but can't remember if the one from the fourth book is a shoe or a duck.
  Josh: To be fair, they are very similar.
  Shannon: That sounds like a song. “In the country of England, there was a duck…”
• Josh misunderstands Alan's description of a room (neither hot nor cold, and with a fire), and thinks it means “the fire is not hot”, then immediately sticks his hand in the fire. Alan clarifies and gives Josh the chance to take that back.
  Josh: Here's the thing: when I don't know how I would react to something outlandish…I just do something else stupid, so you know what? I do touch the fire!
  • Also:
  Jake: You've heard of room temperature? This is ''the room’’.
• McGonagall apparently picked Dame Maggie Smith to play herself in the Harry Potter films.
  • In the same conversation, Jake asks if this is what drugs is.
• While Jake and Josh are concerned about being de-aged and then having to go through puberty again, Matt thinks it'll be great because he has all his past memories. Shannon is fine because she knows exactly when her puberty started and this time she'll be ready.
• Shannon asks when she can have a dragon. McGonagall replies that that's illegal, but Shannon doesn't care about laws. Josh adds that he doesn't remember seeing any laws being enforced in the books anyways.
• Jake wants to know what the deal is with electronics int he wizarding world.
  Jake: Does my phone still work?
  McGonagall: It will not in Hogwarts.
  Jake: Well we're not in Hogwarts! *plays his airhorn app*
  • McGonagall proceeds to turn his phone into flowers, then back a few minutes later, but without his airhorn app.
• After everyone succeeds an insight roll to realize that Hermione isn't just bringing them into Hogwarts to teach them magic, they assume that there's some sort of prophecy involved and that they have to fight “Voldemort 2”.
• Just before they de-age, Josh asks Hermione if there's any chance they can go on a Pokemon journey instead. Hermione feigns ignorance, then adds that of course she loves Pokemon, she's a muggle-born.
• Josh tries to find a way to time travel back to when he had a Ninja Turtles fanny pack and use a spell to make it Bigger on the Inside, but Hermione and McGonagall quickly kibosh that due to time paradoxes (meanwhile, Jake begs them to never give Josh a fanny pack). Matt asks if he can do the same spell on a police box, and Jake immediately bans him.

002: Definitely the Protagonists

• Now that they're eleven, all four try to figure out ways they can make themselves better by the time they reach their original ages again, with Jake insisting he's not eating any sugar so that he's not as short this time around.
• Matt calls Harry “dumb” in front of McGonagall, who doesn't even blink. Matt isn't surprised, on account of her having to deal with Harry for six years.
• McGonagall tells the kids that they have wand pockets sewn into their robes. Jake decides he's going to keep his in his belt instead.
  McGonagall: You're going to blow off your buttocks.
  *Beat*
  Jake: Nope.
  Josh: When you wake up in the future-past you're not gonna have a butt!
  Jake: They can grow it back.
• McGonagall tells the kids not to do anything stupid while she orders butter beer for them.
  Shannon: You made us eleven and you don't want us to do anything stupid?
  Jake: You made me eleven with the confidence of a twenty seven year old man. Shit.
  McGonagall: By all the gods in all the heavens. *walks away*

Shannon: Wait, there's a wizard god?!

• The fact that one of Matt's skills is Knowledge of Narrative Structure, and he uses it to determine that him and the other three are the main characters.
• Jake desperately trying to explain to McGonagall how great pens are, even though she has no idea what they are.
• Jake sees a pygmy gryphon, and the group spends several minutes debating what bird its head is, with Josh and Alan continuously suggesting birds Jake hates like sparrows, hummingbirds, and grackles.
  • Jake gives McGonagall Puppy-Dog Eyes to convince her to give him money to buy the gryphon. Matt has to temporarily take over as DM because Alan is busy having a giggle-git over this.
  • Alan screeching as the gryphon, Jomps.
• Shannon explains to the group that snakes don't usually hiss, and that's just exaggerated for TV and movies.
  Jake: Well how do you know it's a snake if it doesn't hiss?

003: Let's Get it Sorted

• Apparently McGonagall doesn't know what phones are either, leading the children to declare that wizards must be dying out because they're just dumb.
• Jake buys a five-foot tall bag of popcorn, and a few moments later declares that he has decimated it.
  Matt: So you ate a tenth of it?
  Jake:...I knew somebody was going to make that joke—
  Alan: It wasn't me!
  Jake: I can see you fighting it, Alan.
• When the kids ask if they're the only people who are secretly old, or if they can tell anyone, McGonagall angrily asks if they've already forgotten that they told them not to tell anyone every day. They unanimously say yes, they did, obviously.
• When she's reminded that kids are called up for sorting last name first, Shannon comments that she should've said her name was Truck Thunders.
• After getting sorted into Gryffindor, Jake tries to fist bump McGonagall. She stares him down hard.

004: Great at Making Friends

• The episodes' Previously on… segment of the last episode.
  • Josh got sorted into Hufflepuff without any of his friends, forcing him to confront his worst nightmare: meeting new people.
  • Shannon befriended the giant squid and became a teacher's pet.
  • Jake made McGonagall's life infinitely more difficult (he claims he made it more interesting). They also debate the opposite of teacher's pet, which ends up being shitty teen.
  Alan: You're not even a teen yet!
  Jake: I'm a shitty tween!
  Matt: On brand.
• Josh has to describe the Hufflepuff common room, only to be informed that it's never been described in canon. All he can think of is “there's a lot of beanbags”. Which tracks for Hufflepuff because they're super chill.
  • Josh does start to warm up to it when he's told that the entrance is inside a barrel and compares it to a warp pipe, then immediately balks when he's informed that first-year students have to do an icebreaker activity.
• Shannon meets her roommate and things seem to be going okay until Felicia sees the jar containing Usage the dust nymph.
  Felicia: Why do you have a jar of dirt?
  Shannon: It's my friend.
  *awkward silence*
• Matt's roommate Eddie lets out a disdainful sigh when he sees Matt belly-flopping onto the bed. When Matt asks him to repeat that, the other Slytherin mockingly does.
  Shannon: Slytherins: the party house!
  Jake: Slytherins: great at parties!
  • Matt then gets right in his face and declares his intention to become his best friend, prompting Eddie to leave while whining for a room-change. Alan later reveals that there's a mandatory try-and-make-it-work period before they can change, meaning Eddie's stuck with Matt.
• During the other three meeting their roommates (and in Matt's case, making an enemy out of them), it keeps cutting back to Josh and his equally-awkward roommate Bruce just staring at each other nervously.
  Jake: Josh Nichols: also great at parties!
• While discussing how breakfast is protected from owl droppings during mail delivery, Shannon suggests there's a spell shielding it.
  Jake: Yeah, Protego. It's not just a pasta sauce.
  • This once again causes Alan to die giggling.
• Jake is very particular about Shepherd's pie, namely that it should be made with beef rather than sheep.
  Jake: You know, the right way.
  Josh: Well, the American way.
  Jake: That's what I said.
• When they overhear another table planning on pranking them, Shannon accidentally declares her intent to unscrew her jaw instead of jar, causing everyone to freak out.
  Josh: I'm gonna eat them like a real snake!
  Shannon: So I reveal myself as Voldemort…
• When Felicia warns the kids not to mess with Persephone because she's from an influential wizarding family, the kids wonder if she's a descendent of the Wu-Tang Clan.

Bloody Mooney

Part 1

• Under character examples for the Basket-Case character class they find Al Bundy and Rose Nylund.
• Shannon's glee that she can be a Princess and still be a shitty teen.
• Alan tries to pull Waxing Lyrical when talking about “cooking by the book”, but the others call him out for getting the lyrics slightly wrong. Shannon says she can play the song to check, not that she has the entire Lazy Town soundtrack on her phone. That'd be weird.
• Jake and Alan debating whether Jake's character can gain a passive boost from listening to music while they fight. Alan argues that doing so would cut off important sound cues from the world and leave them at risk. Jake's argument is that he's shooting at the walls of heartache, bang bang, he is the warrior.
• Josh puts most of JT's dice in his hidden talent, being a great dancer.
• When Ms. Pear in detention holds out her hand for Jessica to hand over her Walkman, Jessica instead high-fives her.
  • Alan has her drop a “Miss Thing” out of nowhere, sending the others into brief hysterics.
• When Ms. Pear gestures at the students with a small knife that she was cutting an apple with, Jake and Josh panic and think she pulled out something larger.
• The children were assigned to write “I know what I did was wrong and I will correct my behaviour in the future” a hundred times to get out of detention. Jessica does so, but her penmanship is so terrible it's illegible. JT complained that he was in there for being punched. Keri wrote a list of reasons why she punched JT.
• After something crashes through the school, Keri shoves her way to be the first to see.
  JT: One minute, Keri, for one minute leave me alone!
  Keri: No! I'm always on top of everything that happens in this school.
  JT: Yeah, that's what I've heard…
  • A good two minutes later the joke registers with Shannon, and by extension Keri, leading her to hit JT again.
• While debating who should take care of the monkey-creature, JT shoves it into Keri's chest and declares “here, something you don't already have!”
• Any of the babbling Alan does as the monkey-creature.
• Though never deciding on a location, the game rules suggest a small town in Delaware. Jake states that the only thing he knows about Delaware is that there's no sales-tax. Shannon counters that she was born there, and she didn't even know that.
• As soon as Keri gets home, she gets accosted by her infant twin brothers attacking her and each other while playing “He-Man”, which is essentially Jake's twin hitting Josh's twin with a foam pipe-protector like a sword. And it ends with them accidentally hitting Keri, causing her to chase them out of her room and yelling after them in a awesome Skeletor imitation.

Part 2

• When Jess realizes that the unmarked van is following her and JT and tells him to look, he does a sweet dance move to keep it from looking too obvious. It works.
• JT sees blood all over Mooney's mouth and asks Keri what kind of pop-rocks he gave him.
• Jess tries to intimidate one of Keri's little brothers, but Jake fails the roll. The little brother calls her “Skeletor”, punches her in the knee, and runs away.
• Keri opens the door to the government agents…disguised as Mormon missionaries. And then she distracts them by pretending to gossip on the phone and drop every teenage cliche she can think of.
• After one of the agents gets their head violently ripped off by Mooney, Shannon casually comments that PG-13 was a lot looser in the 80s.
• Jake declares that one of the games creators did email the group to tell them that stressful situations in the game can be alleviated by the characters listening to music, and then has Jess fast-forward her walkman to Scandal's “The Warrior”.

Homeward Bound 4 (CONTAINS UNMARKED SPOILERS)

• Nothing will prepare you for the fact that this is actually a game about dinosaurs.
  • The game system is called Escape from Triassic Park, which Shannon describes as a The Asylum version of Jurassic Park.
• When Alan explains the mechanics of the game, he states that each Dinosaur's Panic score reduces by 1 for every human they kill. Shannon comments that she can relate to that.
• Alan is disappointed that nobody rolled for the triceratops, which has the ability to poop at any time.
  Shannon: Anyone can eat and poop at inconvenient times if you believe in yourself.
• The gang justify Jake being a Deinonychus without a pack by saying he's an extra-feisty shitty teen. It is his brand, after all.
• While discussing feathered dinosaurs and the fact that we generally don't know much about what dinosaurs might look like, Josh declares that T. rex was probably hot pink.
• Jake the Deinonychus tries to bite off Josh the T. rex's muzzle, but when he fails he ends up giving him a little smooch. Alan ends up going into adorable detail for it. Also:
  Jake: All the best kisses have teeth!
• While the trio try to figure out how to get past the humans.
  Shannon the Dilophosaurus: If we stay still, can they see us?
  Josh the T. rex:...no.
  Jake the Deinonychus: I don't think it works that way with humans.
  Josh the T. rex: Who said that!?
• After getting shot in the butt, Jake the Deinonychus is out for revenge.
  Jake the Deinonychus: That motherfucker that shot me? I'm gonna eat his nuts. I hear they love them, and I wanna take away the one thing he loves: his nuts.
  • Then Jake fails a roll while trying to glide off a tree and gets his dino-nuts crushed. Jake complains that dinosaurs don't have nuts, but Alan declares that since they're genetically modified they do have nuts. This leads to plenty of jokes about how Jake the Deinonychus keeps landing on his cloaca.
• When Alan asks how Shannon the Dilophosaurus bites a guy, Shannon says she chomps the top half of him “lawyer-style”.
• Shannon the Dilophosaurus tries to use a telescope to scope out the coast, but because it's eyes are on the side of its head and it has the crown thing it just gets stuck.
  Shannon the Dilophosaurus: It's my hat now.
• When a little girl finds sympathy for Jake the Deinonychus and tries to pet him, Josh starts chanting "eat the girl! Eat the girl!" When she turns to her mom and announces that the dinosaur likes her, he changes it to "eat the mom! Eat the mom!"
• The ending of the game: Jake the Deinonychus is so adorable to the tourists that they let the three dinosaurs escape from the island with them. Despite Shannon the Dilophosaurus still having a dude's legs hanging out of her mouth.

Star War: A Star Wars Story 001—A Lightly Used Hope (Totally Canon, We Mean It)

• The opening theme is the Star Wars theme played on kazoo.
• Shannon explains to Jake that Ackbar is the fish man, but not the sexy one.
  • She also says that carbonite is basically steamy metal, which also happens to be her favourite subgenre of music.
• Kip Fantasco managed to sleep through being frozen in carbonite. And being unfrozen in carbonite.
  • He also does not read Aurabesh, the Common Tongue. Alan tells Jake that he should, but his response is “mmm, no.”
  • His character description is “Han Solo, but cool”. He wears space pants, a space cowboy hat, and a jacket made from spleather (space leather).
• When Ackbar tells the unfrozen Jedi that they detected a strange signature from Tattooine, Kip thinks its Gungans that rose up against the galaxy. When Ackbar dismisses it, Gol suggests jawas.
• After Jake almost calls Palaptine's rank “space dad”, the party begins referring to him as “Space Grandpa”.
• When Gol asks Thrawn if he's vaguely German, Kip replies that he's space German. Or “Sperman”.

Here We Gooooo!

1-1: Fountain Pass

• When Alan's Yoshi accent drifts dangerously close to Jar Jar territory, they bounce back by declaring "What is Yoshi but the best possible Jar Jar?"
• Bub the Toad gets knocked into the soda waterfall by the attacking Diet Pirate immediately after greeting the heroes. Apparently it's not the first time this has happened.
• After Dario has some issues taking down some tiny Goombas, Crania has to step in and help him. Afterwards:
  Crania: You got him in the end, that's all that matters.
  Dario: We'll technically you got him…
  Crania: Well in that case: I got him. I matter.

1-2: Fountain Falls

• Alan trying to combine his intensely deep “Previously on” voice with the high-pitched “Here we Gooooo!”.
• Shannon accidentally says Buffalo Bills instead of Bullet Bills.
  Shannon: This isn't a The Silence of the Lambs world.
  Jake: Who knows where we're going after this?
  Shannon: It'd be adorable!
• Yoshi keeps trying to exploit various glitches that he remembers his grandpa telling him about. Unfortunately for him, this isn't the same castle his grandpa visited, so it just comes off as him trying to lick random windows.
• When Yoshi starts craving a root beer float, Dario suggests eating one of the Bub guards. Everyone is rightfully horrified.
• Princess Caramel Seltzer's first spoken line: "Welcome travellers to the Soda Pop Kingdom also is this the same voice my letter was written in?"
• Jake points out that, because he's never appeared in a canon game (only sports and spinoffs), Waluigi isn't actually canon. This leads to an argument about whether he's the best character in not (Josh and Alan for, Jake against).
• One of the power-ups Crania has on hand is a feather. When she tries to use it, she's not sure how…so she tries to eat it.
• Whenever a shell gets knocked off of the Koopa Troopa's underground the party refers to them as “nakey”. When Crania manages to inflict one with the Fear status effect, it of course is referred to as “Nakey and Afraid”.
• Dario clobbers a Troopa in the face with a rock, causing Yoshi to flinch at how barbaric it is.
  Dario: Hey, momma didn't raise no wimps! Dad tried to, but my mom didn't!

2-1: Fructose Forest

• This episode is brutal to Dario as well, as Jake keeps critically failing his rolls and leading to Dario tripping over his own feet, falling on his face, hitting himself with his own attacks, hurting his butt when attempting a ground pound, falling into a pit while trying to swing on a vine (Yoshi tried to save him…with his tongue though, so Dario smacked it away and died instead).

2-2: Ghost House

• The episode begins with Josh talking about all the cool things that could have happened in the previous episode if Yoshi hadn't befriended or eaten several enemies before they could attack the group.
• Dario tries to fix a flattened Bub by shaking it up. It doesn't work.
• Shannon gets confused when Jake comments Dario's not supposed to normally have soda.
  Shannon: How old are you?
  Jake: I have no idea.
  *everyone laughs*
  Jake: I'm a teen?
  Shannon: In my head it's just a man.
  Jake: No, I'm their son, I'm a teen!
  Shannon: Don't you have a moustache?
  Jake: I had a moustache when I was a teen!
  Shannon: But I feel like the kind of moustache they had is the moustache for a man!
  Josh: I don't know, he's got that Mario blood, who knows?
  Alan: I was gonna say, he's had that moustache with birth.
  • Then the conversation turns into the boys discussing their facial hair essentially being nonexistent until they hit puberty, at which point it hit them like a ton of bricks.
• When discussing the noises Mario characters make, Shannon states she doesn't want Rosalina to make any noises, just “stare into the abyss of the galaxy”.
• Dario teases Yoshi by claiming that his shoes are his feet — they're part of his body and have bones in them.

2-3: Grape Escape Bottling Plant

• After Yoshi hits so many things with his tongues, the others have to ask how he's not constantly getting sick from licking things.
• Josh tells Jake that a Potaboo is going to fly right at Dario's butt, prompting Yoshi to ask if Dario has a booty.
  Dario: Yeah, I got it from my momma.
  Crania: It's how her dress stays so wide.
  Dario: Right? No wire in there, just really weird hips.
• Alan makes a reference that doesn't quite land.
  Dario: They've poisoned the grapes themselves.
  Yoshi: Somebody's poisoned the watering hole.
  *awkward silence*
  Josh: There a snake in your boot, Yoshi?
• When Yoshi asks Princess Caramel Seltzer about the mysterious last hero of the kingdom, she tells them that she knows about him and admits he's not actually that good at protecting the kingdom.
• Dario lands in a vat of Grape Escape and gets diet soda all over his rear, leading the others to roast him for having a sticky butt. It even carries over to the end.
  Shannon: This has been The Cool Kids Table and you can sit with us. *Beat* Unless you've got a sticky butt.
  Jake: Aww.
  Josh: Well you can sit with us, you just can't get back up.

3-1: Vanilla Bean Bridge

• Josh explains that the mysterious last hero of the Kingdom is there basically to move the plot along instead of just telling the players to do something. Shannon replies "ah, he's your Caiden".
• Jake misnames the princess as "Caramel Seltzers".
  Josh: "Seltzer". Just one.
  Jake: Well she's a princess, she can have as many as she wants.
• Josh tells the group that he only prepared one set of levels for the game. Shannon suggests they look at the map and go to whatever world makes Josh sweat the most.
• Jake accidentally saying "Maple Syrple". Apparently it's what his dad always said and Jake is now cursed.
• Dario says he's freezing his "ghoulies" off, and when Yoshi questions what that is Crania just says she'll tell him when he's older. Then everyone tells Jake to stop talking about Yoshis and their feet and their cloacas.
  • Of course they end up talking about Yoshi physiology soon after when pointing out that the only clothes Yoshi wear are shoes and saddles. Alan says the saddle is detachable, and Josh suggests it opens up like a storage seat on a boat.
• Alan describes Yoshi's cold outfit as a backwards snuggie with a penguin print on it, and the other's point out that it's just a robe and Yoshi looks like someone who got drunk and wandered outside.
  Alan: His huge penguin robe—
  Jake: And boots with the fur. For his apple-bottom feet!
  • Dario comes out with a a short-sleeved parka and in the background Shannon can be heard shouting "why?!"
  • Yoshi tells everyone that his scarf was made by his great-aunt Yoshi Mama, much to everyone's confusion.
  Princess Crania: It can't just be Aunt Yoshi?
  Yoshi: Well no, her name is Yoshi Mama.
  Princess Crania:...let's just go.
• Yoshi wakes up a flattened Bub by flicking him with his tongue, and the bub's terrified that he's about to get eaten.
• When Dario gets a badge that turns him red, Yoshi comments he looks like his uncle Mario. It devolves into the arguing about the Yoshi race's treatment by and of the Mario family, such as losing him as a baby a lot and having to pay penance for that. Crania suggests that Yoshi also have make up for all that tax fraud.
• Yoshi starts singing and makes a baby Bub cry, but since it's flat and mean it's a very low and ineffectual cry.
• Wondering about Yoshi eggs.
  Shannon: If that egg hatches is it a Yoshi? Or is it that Koopa Troopa?
  Jake: Is the egg fertilized?
  Josh (desperately): Nope! They're just turned into unfertilized eggs!
  • According to Alan's Yoshi there are Yoshi Mamas and Yoshi Papas that exist in breeding pairs, which makes things just that much more unnerving.
• After Crania knocks a bunch of Paratroopas to their doom and comments that that's where Dry Bones come from, Dario cautiously asks if she's just populating her kingdom on this mission.

3-2: Vanilla Cream Mountain

• Jake states the name of the game and Josh pretends to panic at not having anything ready.
• Trying to figure out if there are any candies you can still get for a quarter. Jake suggests something lame like Gummy Chairs or Homework: The Candy.
  • Alan brings up the Moon Pie store near where he lives that has cheap candies, and Jake takes the chance to say how nasty he finds Moon Pies (to Alan's horror).
• Jake claims his short-sleeved parka is going to show up on the Milan runway that winter, alongside a dress made of traffic cones and wearing a human Millennial. Named Charlos. Who has to tweet "It's a living!" every fifteen minutes.
• They start trying to figure out what the Skull Kingdom's deal is. Jake predicts that they rent their dead citizens to act as baddies for other villains, and Josh uses that opportunity to call it the Netherrealm of Super Mario Bros.
  Josh: I'm gonna get a Mortal Kombat reference into every thing I do for the rest of my life.
  Jake: I just wanna go one day without...
• Upon coming across a sleeping Chain-Chomp, Yoshi keeps trying to exclaim how cute it is while the other two keep shushing him.
• Yoshi and Dario later wake up one of the Chain-Chomps when they both fall on their butts trying to sneak past. When they get away and catch up with Crania, Dario tries to claim that he fought it off single-handedly. Crania doesn't believe him for a second.
  Dario: Please don't tell Princess Caramel Seltzer.
  Crania: I'm gonna tell her.
  Josh: She'll read it in the newsletter.
  Jake: "Local Prince is a Dummy!"
  Shannon: "National Embarrassment!"
  • Though Dario clarifies that he has a wet butt, but not a cold butt, because his snow pants make him cold-butt invincible.
• The Mysterious Last Hero reveals his name.
  Mysterious Last Hero: My name...is Charles.
  Yoshi: Are you in charge?
  Josh: Charles throws Yoshi down the mountain, Alan roll a new character!
  Alan: Alright, I'd like to introduce T. Yoshisaur Munchikoopa III!
  Jake: That's the problem Josh, there's always more Yoshi's!
  • Charles tells the team that the Sugar Crystal is in the cave behind him.
  Dario: If you were already up here, why didn't you just get the Sugar Crystal?
  *silence, interspersed with Shannon giggling*
  Josh: He jumps down the mountain.
  Shannon: "My job is done here?" Oh bless his heart.

3-3: Waffle Cone Cavern

• Jake is concerned that this page will get mixed up now that there are two Charles' in the Cool Kids Table canon (one from here, one from Sequinox). Shannon suggests calling this one Chuck, but Josh says he hates Chuck and can go by Charlie. Jake also declares his love for Charlie, as he's the exact kind of stupid he loves.
  • Josh states he designed this level while listening to the Sonic Adventure 2 soundtrack, which "smacks".
• Yoshi spots a yellow crystal inside an ice cavern and starts licking it. Dario is shocked that he immediately decided it was candy and not, like, just rocks. Crania has a different concern.
• Yoshi trying to say "Abominable Snowman".
  Yoshi: Maybe there's an Abodbidodibodal Snowman?
  Dario: I think I just un-learned the Yoshi language listening to that.
  Yoshi: You know, like a Sasquatch, or a yeti...
  Crania: You can say Sasquatch but not Abominable?
• Trying to keep track of Yoshi's eggs.
  Josh: You can only have three eggs at a time.
  Alan: I only have two.
  Josh: But you just made one?
  Alan: I made one, but that was number two.
  Jake: So what you're saying is, Yoshi made a number two?
  Shannon: And now he's gonna make a number three!
  Jake: What is that?
  Alan (as Yoshi): Well, when a Yoshi Mama and a Yoshi Papa love each other very much…
  Jake: No!
• Dario falls down a chasm in the mountain, but Yoshi manages to catch him with his tongue. Unfortunately.
  Dario: Noooo! Let me die!
  • He tries again and fails again, and this time Dario doesn't make it.
  Yoshi: Noooo! I tried to save him! *sobs*
  Crania: I'll see him in my kingdom. I can send his bones to his mother.
• Do Yoshi have teeth? Shannon does not want to know.
  • She does end up googling images shortly after, despite everyone warning her not to.
• Alan suggests that Yoshi climbs a rope by eating it.
  Jake: Oh no you're gonna have really weird poops now!
  Shannon: Just one long stringy egg!
  Josh: Stop ruining my game!

3-4: Mountain Side Slide

• Jake and Alan keep saying "vore", prompting Josh to beg them to stop saying "vore" on his Mario podcast.
  Shannon: I feel like if we say "vore" one more time we'll be put on a list.
  Josh: Well, you just said it.
  Shannon: I know, I just wanted to be on that list!
• The Aspartame Crystal is being guarded by a Chargin' Chuck...with a cricket bat. Cue everyone trying to remember how cricket works.
• Shannon wants a hotdog snowboard to chase down the now-Boardin' Chuck, but wants it spooky so puts some skulls on it. The discussion turns it into hotdog bones, then they coin the term "Dry Hotdog".
  • They chase it to the starting point of the race.
  Josh: A Lakitu holding a traffic light comes down.
  Alan: I eat it!
  Josh: Well now we can't do the whole level, Alan! Yoshi's disqualified from the race!
  Jake: For voring the officials!
• "Oh, the Yoshi Mamas and the Yoshi Papas? I love that band!"
• After constant high rolls during the whole race, Yoshi is far in the lead. Dario is petty. Dario throws his blue shell.
• The Bub who runs the soda factory here has a throne that is two story's tall.
• Shannon points out that the original Floating Islands, when put together, are basically Todoroki.
  Shannon: We saved the Todo, now we gotta save the Roki.
• Princess Caramel Seltzer explains Charles as the Soda Pop Kingdom's version of Mario, but if Mario had never beaten a level in his life.
• Dario initially says that the Super Mario Bros. (1993) movie is outlawed in his country, but then Jake remembers that Luigi and Daisy do get together in that one changes it to the kingdom's favourite romcom.

Dan, Danny, and Daniel (and anniversary Q&A)

Game Section

• After Alan gives a brief summary of the game mechanics:
  Jake: Shannon?
  Shannon: Mm-hm?
  Jake: What three things are we all in a trench coat?
  Shannon: Uh, we are all Danny Devitos.
  • Then Jake asks if they can all also have the role (class) of Danny Devito, ensuring they're all Danny DeVito Danny DeVitos.
• Josh is going to be the arms in the trench coat, because plumbers can't do much as legs other than hang a buttcrack out the back.
• When Jake realizes that “Businessman” Danny DeVito would just be The Penguin, everyone does a Penguin impression.
• Rather than being regular DeVito height, Jake suggests that the trio are playing three one-and-a-half foot Danny DeVitos.
  Shannon: It's like in Men in Black when you open up the face and there's another Danny DeVito.
• When trying to bribe Michael Keaton, Frank Reynolds-Danny offers him an egg in this trying time. When Michael doesn't give them any worthwhile information, Dan is able to grab it back with his plunger.
• When Frank Reynolds-Danny gets to be the head he just starts sporadically spitting egg-salad sandwich at Arnold's face. Then he pulls out a gun.
• When Danny tries to order an Uber using Siri, Shannon's Siri hears it and starts trying to order one in real life.
• When the Dannies are flooring it from L.A. to Malibu, Shannon says that the real miracle happening is them being able to drive in California at all.
  Shannon: I've got a gun, they can't stop me.
  Josh: Now traffic is parting in front of us!
  Jake: We are Danny DeVito, aka Moses.
• Alan lets Shannon get a bonus for driving rolls because Sociopaths drive all the time. Then Josh confuses Ted Bundy with a guy named “Ed Bundy”, and Jake worries they'll get a call from his lawyer.
• The game ends with all three DeVitos successfully getting out of the car at their birthday party that they literally crashed into, with Shannon's Danny still holding his gun in the air and spitting egg-salad sandwich.

Q&A Section

• Shannon says she's on wine-a-glass number two, a pronunciation which causes everyone to lose it for a little.
• Alan and Jake faun over how much they like Sequinox and Shannon as a GM. All Shannon can say is "thank you for everyone's lies".
• When jokingly asked if they're going back to "Ghost Ship Enyo", everyone enthusiastically says No, with Shannon pointing out that if they kept playing the Sailor Moon system but quit the other then something has gone very wrong.
• Jake explains that D&D is an easy system to learn, all you do is roll a dice and talk about fish dicks.
• Alan suggests "Princesses and Palaces" for a future game, explaining that it's designed for young girls to learn how to role-play and learn basic math. Jake and Josh are down because they could really use some math skills; Shannon would rather not because she doesn't want to embarrass herself with bad math.
  • Josh also wants to play a palace instead of a princess.
• When asked what their favourite individual game mechanic is, Shannon points out that in most of these games they try to avoid actual game mechanics whenever possible.
• They end saying that Daniel DeVito cannot sit with them. They consider Danny, then veto him too because he's probably still spitting egg salad at everyone.
• The stinger is everyone trying out their Ahnold accents.

The Chimera Program

001: Escapees

• Jake asks Shannon to write a note reminding Sky to say his social media names at the end of the episode, because they forgot at the end of the character creation stream. Shannon writes down the word "ask", gets distracted by how great her gel pens are, and forgets the rest of what she's supposed to write.
  • Sky jokes that meanwhile, fan Christina takes copious notes and is probably already three pages in.
  • The best part is that two episodes later, they've completely forgotten what the note means.
• The group debate whether the mysterious government program would've shelled out the money for the good door to keep Papyrus in his cell when he's already in a tank of fluid, and when they have to build another good door for Shannon.
  • Jake figures his cell is made of a strong material like steel, or concrete, or...
  Sky: Vibranium?
  Jake: No. No crossovers banned.
  Alan: Unobtanium?
  Josh: Adamantium!
  Shannon: No. Stupid movies, banned.
• Since he's kept in a fluid matrix to control him, Papyrus' first question to the other two is "why aren’t you two dripping?"
• When Papyrus sees the Void through the door window, he asks if the program trapped a thundercloud in there. Shannon then mutters "I am Truck Thunders".
• Alan trying to describe the material that Void is encased in as strong as steel, but transparent.
  Sky:...transparisteel?
  Alan: I didn't say it.
  Jake: That sounds like some Doctor Who bullshit.
  Sky and Alan: It's Star Wars bullshit.
  Jake: Both of you get off the podcast.
• While trying to figure out what to do, Void casually wonders aloud if they have mass.
• Alan describes the facility as looking like it was designed to be comforting by someone who had no idea what that meant. The others interpret that as a hospital waiting room, complete with chairs that have shared armrests and a single green plant.
• Jake has to double-check partway through that lizards don't sweat. Because he's a dog person and isn't familiar with lizards.
• When Wyvern goes dragon, Void asks if they picked the wrong form.
  Papyrus: You picked a form?!
  Void: I thought I was shaped correctly.
  Papyrus: No you’re good please don’t touch me.
• When Void walks through guards and leaves only their clothes behind, Sky chuckles "oh shit they’ve been raptured!"
• Golden doesn't remember November after she leaves his sight, but he does have "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire stuck in his head.
• Sky wins a roll against one of the guards and one of the options he can choose is "take something from him". Papyrus turns his arms into flat blades and relieves the guard of his arms.
• This ruling:
  Alan: Wyvern, because you "hurt someone or broke something important", your condition of "angry" is cleared.
  Jake: Oh. Sweet!
  *chuckling*
  Jake: I worked it all out. I feel better. For murdering!
  Josh: For murdering a lot of people with a big exploding light.
  Jake: Hey kids, did you know murdering makes you feel really good and less angry? Turns out that’s true!
  Sky: The more you know!
• Papyrus is able to start a fire with one of the guns he took from the guards, but then Wyvern remembers that they came across a body with bullets in it.
  Wyvern: Someone got the short end of the stick!
• When it gets dark, Wyvern just starts shutting down because she's a lizard.
• Alan tries to explain how the teen made of electricity and energy is able to smile.
  Jake: They're smizing.
  Sky: Like an andalite!
  Alan: Smmmenergying.
  Jake: They're smenermizing.
  Shannon: They're buzzing and it sounds happy.
  Jake: They produce a happy tone! *hums*
• When one of the other escapees says his code name was "Grain", as in sand, Papyrus asks what he can do. Shannon comments that he gets everywhere.
• Void's file is almost entirely redacted.
  Void: That's a pretty name. "Redacted".
• Alan narrates the end of the episode.
  Alan: As the camera passes through Void—
  Shannon: It's gone!
  Alan: The end.
  Josh: That's been Masks!
• At the end Shannon says that if they ever get tired of Sky they can just fold Papyrus up and stuff him in someone else's pocket.
• The stinger with Alan trying to describe what a klaxon is to the rest of the group when no one knows what the word means.

002: Bullseye

• Josh immediately denying that he killed anyone, and Shannon pointing out Void doesn't yet understand the concept of killing people, so if they walked into them and died it's their own fault. Jake proudly declares that he killed lots.
• Papyrus declares that he has the proportionate senses of a piece of paper.
• Golden proposes shoving all the JNCO Jeans in Void to destroy them.
• In a discussion on how Wal-Mart's new logo looks like a cat's butthole, Shannon proposes their Bland-Name Product version is Puckers.
  Josh: Get pucked!
  Sky: There's so much shit in there...
  Jake: They're pucking great!
  Josh: These prices are pucking low!
• Upon realizing that Void obviously cannot wear clothes.
  Void: How will I ever fit in?
  Wyvern: We'll have to make do.
• When asking if Void has any biological requirements, Wyvern asks them "Do you eat?"
• Alan asks if Wyvern's hoodie has thumb holes, leading the group to discuss how their hoodies ended up with them.
  Josh: I used to chew threw mine.
  Jake: All my nails grow really fast and eventually I just cut threw them.
  Shannon: I just used a knife.
  Jake: Well, we’re all different, and we all came together and here we are!
  • And of course it doesn’t matter because the sleeves are at least a foot too long for Wyvern's arms anyway—punctuated by her flailing them around.
• During the raid of the department store the group realizes that, while having a person-shaped hole in reality may not have helped the situation, they probably also attracted a lot of attention from the townsfolk by being a group of teenagers wielding huge sci-fi guns they stole from the agents at the lab.
• While Void devours a troop of agents who walk directly into them, we cut to Wyvern casually browsing the travel section.
  Wyvern: Ooh, a neck-pillow, that could be nice.

003: Underground

• There's a solid 5 minutes of the group dunking on Grain for his stupid move, which by the end somehow segways into whether BrainDead or Dawn of the Dead (2004) has a zombie baby (the latter does, as well as a priest drop kicking a zombie).
  Alan: Every day we stray further from the light of God.
  Shannon: I mentioned a priest.
  Alan: That's true!
  • They also, as of recording, still haven't figured out a title. They settle on The Chimera Program, and Shannon opts to write a cryptic note to ensure they forget by the time of the next recording.
• Alan describes the party as feeling sad at seeing Halcyon City since it may be been their home. Everyone quickly points out that since they don't remember anything, none of them have any actual attachment to the city.
  Alan: Well I mean you could break the fourth wall and tell that narrator to fuck off.
  Jake: No, then we're adding a new, discrete disparate tone to the show.
  Sky: One of us could be the Zach Morris of the group?
  Jake: Oh, I'd rather not, he's the worst.
  Josh: Time freeze! Time stop? Freeze? He yells something.
  Jake: Hold up?
  Sky: Wasn't it time out, right?
  Josh: Hold on a minute!
  Jake: Time out, I think it was time out.
  Sky: I think Slater did it once too also. Sorry. Anyway, moving on.
  Josh: What an episode.
  Jake: We all on quaaludes? What's going on here?
• Papyrus' advice to Void on how to pass as human is to keep their feet out. Void points out she has no toes.
  Jake: Well, you gotta walk before you can run.
  Sky: You gotta have feet before you can run.
  Josh: You gotta have feet before you have toes.
  • Golden lambasts Wyvern for not grabbing a skateboard at Bullseye, since they don't look like teens without one. Void suggests forming into the shape of one.
• Papyrus waves in an odd way when he senses danger. He calls it his "paper sense".
• They find a dead body in a dumpster, and Golden wants to dump it into Void to dodge any suspicion. Papyrus isn't so sure.
  Papyrus: We don't know where Void comes out.
  Golden: We don't know if Void comes out.
  Papyrus: I'm just saying, what if in a few days we just have a dead body fly out in front of us.
  Golden: Counterpoint: what if we don't?
• Wyvern points out she doesn't remember her mother so as far as she knows she doesn't have one. Papyrus wonders if Wyvern is an actual dragon hatched from an egg. This leads to the group joking about what their parents actually are.
  Jake: You were born from a paper airplane!
  Sky and Shannon: Well when two paper airplanes love each other very much...
  Josh: My father was a speaker at a Motley Crue concert.
  Shannon: Your mother was an air horn.
• November's attempt at jokes.
  November: Void is so cool you can keep a side of beef on them for over a month. They're so hip they can't see over their own pelvis.
  Wyvern: That was terrible.
  Void: I'm gonna eat this child.
• The return of a U-Shaped room.
• Alan forgets the word Jumpsuit and describes a maintenance worker as wearing a "dad onesie".
• In the stinger, Jake asks who's supposed to start the introductions this episode. Shannon replies that the only note she has is from a previous episode and just says "ask". No one realized it's from episode 1.

004: Bellerophon

• Real person Jake thought snake and reptile meant the same thing until this very episode.
• When trying to determine if Void can whistle inconspicuously, Jake theorizes their attempt to inhale would create a vacuum, and Shannon says it'd probably sound like screaming.
  • Also, they tell Void to make pockets to put their hands in.
• When the group walks into an old bit fancy house.
  Sky: Did we just walk into the Hillhirst House? Are we gonna become Beetleborgs?
  Jake: Nobody touch any pianos.
  Josh: I can't deal with Flabber.
  Alan: I can't do a Jay Leno impression.
  Jake: Neither could he!
  • When they encounter Martin, they try to think of pseudonyms.
  Papyrus: I'm...Pap.
  Wyvern: Pap?
  Papyrus: Papyrus is a project name! What do you want from me?
  Wyvern: I don't know I'm panicking and now I don't know what my fake name's gonna be!
  Golden: I'm Dennis.
  Void: I have no concept of names.
  Papyrus:...that's Viv.
• Golden asks how many days they’ve been running.
  Void: I experience time differently than you.
  Papyrus: Oh Viv! Such a kidder!
  Martin: I like you Viv, you're a straight shooter.
  Void: I guess?
• Void says she can't consume food, and Martin takes that to mean she’s allergic to peanut butter.
• Martin asks them if they can help around the house.
  Void: I can't touch anything.
  Papyrus: SHE'S CLUMSY!
• As the ambient music fades from Martin's radio to make way for a news broadcast, the announcer says "Thank you for joining us on Smooth Piano Tuesday Morning".

005: Home

• "Would you like to hear the entymology of 'Pap'? It's a huge backstory. Y'know what, it's too long for the podcast, we should just move on."
  • Followed by Jake briefly roasting his sister for choosing to live in Fitchburg, Massachusetts.
• Josh mishears "Bellerophon" and "Bouffalant". Repeatedly.
• Wyvern tries to take her sweatshirt off before she transforms. She doesn't care about the pants, though.
  Shannon: That's my secret, Captain. I'm never wearing pants.
  • Jake fails an "Assess the Situation" roll and blames it on Wyvern getting stuck in her sweater.
  • While Wyvern is flailing, Jake shares a story about a wacky waving arm-flailing inflatable tube man slapping her in the face once.
  Josh: Hey come get an oil filter! Smack!
• Bellerophon tries to exert his will on the group. Papyrus resists it by turning himself into paper, on the theory that he no longer has organs in that form.
  Alan: You still technically have a lot of flat organs?
  Josh: Yeah all your organs just also go 2D.
  Jake: They're just very skinny.
  Shannon: Unless they all fall out of you when you folded in half, then this whole show's been real upsetting.
  Jake: Then we have a whole new set of problems.
  Josh: We gotta go back and get them!
  Sky: Hold my guts bag please.
• Jake's suddenly deep dragon voice.
• Shannon tries to replicate Papyrus' voice by...opening and closing her book a bunch.
• The group try to figure out how to carry an incapacitated Barry with them, in a manner that doesn't involve Void trying to carry him.
  Shannon: Naw I was doing, like, a claw, I was just gonna fist him. *Beat* Oh, nope!
  • Papyrus then folds himself into a paper velociraptor for him to ride.
  • The conversation does segway into claw machine stories, and Shannon says the only thing she ever won was a NASCAR water bottle.
• Void continues to not-quite understand how to not destroy everything around them, such as knocking on Martin's door (Wyvern: We'll get a new one!) and pretending to sit (they clip a pillow).
• Sandwiches.
  • Whenever Void makes it painfully obvious that she is not human in any way, Pap can't help but shout "Oh Viv!" in an increasingly exasperated tone. She just responds "I'm tired." And The whole time Martin is whistling loudly to drown out the obvious weirdness.
  • When Martin makes them sandwiches, Wyvern hucks one through Void's head just in case. It slowly vanishes and Wyvern wonders if everything that's gone through them so far is going to show up on Jupiter in 500 years.
  • Barry explains that he can't eat solid food because, since the surgeries, it gets stuck in his throat. Wyvern suggests dunking the sandwich in water to moisten it up. Golden counters that they should blend it instead.
  Void: I don't have a concept of food and all of this sounds bad.
  • When Wyvern eats a sandwich, she unhinges her jaw.
• Wyvern declares the couch to be "lit". She's a teen.
• Golden trying to ask Barry the extent of his powers.
  Golden: What's your circumference?
  Jake: You can't just ask someone their circumference! Josh!
• When Barry uses his powers and his eyes turn bright blue, Pap comments on how weird that is.
  Golden: You're a velociraptor right now.
  Papyrus: Yeah! And you would be too if you could be!
  Void: I'm a velociraptor now.
  Golden: I'm not jealous!
  Wyvern: I'm halfway there.
• Sky takes a moment to mock Eldrac the Door.
  Shannon: I can't believe people make fun of the Inhumans, that's so weird.
  • When the subject of Lockjaw comes up, Jake yells that you can't have dogs on the moon.
• Shannon explains that some lizards drink by absorbing liquids through their butts. Jake panics, wondering if he's a butt-drinking lizard.

Smawl Problems

001: To Grammy's House We Go

Josh: I'm Josh!
Shannon: I'm Shannon!
Alan: I'm Alan!
Jake: I'm nervous.

• When Janey scoffs that Ouija boards aren't real, April counters that they are and they're made by Hasbro.
• April asks Uncle Carl if anybody actually lives in Finger's Crossing. Carl points out the several visible people in front of the store fronts, but April remains sceptical.
• After April's ineffective jumping, Sammy tries to burn her by saying that she doesn't need to jump because she's a soccer player. April and Mel both point out that soccer players do need to jump, and also that she should be great because her legs are strongest thanks to all the soccer.
  April: I bet you're bad at soccer.
• Alan's odd inflection when he says Sammy gives Grammy a hug makes it sound like he doesn't know what a hug is, which causes Josh to accuse Sammy of being an alien and that's the secret twist.
• Mel passes on hugging Grammy because she and Sammy are the same shape, therefore the hugs would be identical.
• In Mel's rush to claim a room for herself with no other roommates, she ends up in the pinkest room.
  Mel: The ultimate way to non-conform is to even non-conform to who I am.
  Jake: You're a hyper goth!
  • She spends the next several minutes planking facedown on the bed while listening to music.
• April grabs an egg salad and a ham and cheese sandwich. A moment later, Josh says he wants to change his ham to bologna. Jake asks him if he says that as Josh or in character, and Josh deigns the latter with April asking if she can change after taking a single bite.
• Grammy has a cat named Pisspot. April immediately grins at the fact that she can now, legally, say "piss".
• Because she knows almost nothing about the old technology, April tries to shove a Superplex cartridge into a VHS player.
• When Grammy runs out and says Janey's in charge, Mel declares that she's in charge in the basement because she's the oldest down there. Shannon also misspeaks and initially says she older that her twin by two hours.
• After the trio fall into the lake, Sammy tries to help April stay afloat. When she tells her to kick, she just kicks Sammy. Josh gleefully states how much he loves breaking Alan's positive characters.
  • The conversation about whether the characters can swim is preceeded by whether the people can swim. Alan recounts how his uncle taught him and then would frighten his mother by tossing little Alan into a pool and watch as Alan sank to the bottom and started waving. Shannon has a comparable story—she taught herself and when her unaware father saw her running into a pool he jumped off a two-story balcony to get her.
• When Jake reveals the name of the system and arc, Shannon muses that they might be able to solve the Smawl Problems with some Small Magic.
  Josh: I'm sure I could find a use for a cubic meter of leaves here!

002: Thumbsized, Depending On The Thumb

• Everyone mispronounces the arc's name as "Smell Problems".
• Jake's planning prowess is summed up by him declaring "let me open up my note".
• April guesses that Derek is so scared that he's been peeing his pants since he got shrunk down.
  Shannon: He must be so dehydrated.
  Jake: Well he's a Smawl now so he just needs one drop of water to get back up.
• April tries combining "Derek" and "dork" and only manages to come up with "Dor-ek".
  Mel: Now you're the dork.
• April and Mel try to impress Sprig by not fearing the rhododendrons, with April climbing them and Mel declaring that she can do whatever she wants, she has a machete.
• Jake describes the doors to the train station, which are ornately carved into a stone wall and one of which is ajar.
  Alan: I thought it was a door.
  Josh: No it was the other one.
  Shannon: I'm gonna push the door open and just move past this.
  Jake: You open the door—
  Josh: Did you push the door-door or the jar-door?
  Jake: There's gonna be a jar-door later and you're all gonna be fucking confused, okay?!
• Josh trying to get a bonus for April noticing her surroundings.
  Josh: Does me being fast help?
  Jake: No.
  Josh: Fast in the brain?
• Sammy trying to figure out how the train worked, continuously thinking of outlandish things like chameleons friends or invisible people, while Mel and April try to explain there are all manner of things that would make it work like springs, or simple engines.
• As the episode ends and the group compliment Jake.
  Jake: Hey, you know how much of that I planned?
  Everyone else: Train.
  Jake: Train!

003: Secret Passages

• Sammy goes to enter a Smawl door she sees, and the other two tell her off for not knocking first.
  Mel: Yeah, who raised you?
  April: Yeah! Wait, aren't y'all twins?
  Mel: That's the joke.
• The cousins are pleasantly surprised that they get Wi-Fi now that they're in the house, though they can't think of a way that will help that situation.
  Alan: Do we email grammy?
  Jake: "Grammy! We little". And then emojis that she doesn't have.
  Shannon: Just post a bunch of stuff on Instagram, they'll see it later and go "what the hell?"
• When they go past the Superplex, April flips it back on and tries to play the game she was playing before, even convincing April to play with her. Mel and Bodkin facepalm and point out that they were literally just talking about how they had to find Derek in case he was dead.
• When going up some makeshift stairs in the form of nails jutting out of a wall, Jake has everyone roll to get across. April gets a bonus because she's lucky, Sammy gets a bonus because she's athletic, and Mel gets a bonus because she's a wallflower and is good at clinging to walls.
  Jake: Y'know, that's vague enough to work!
• Trying to think of teen slang to describe the slide.
  Alan: The slide is lit.
  Josh: It's totally lit...what's the other word that's like lit that the kids say?
  Jake: Fire? Dope? I say that, I don't know if the kids say that.
  Shannon: I had a teenager tell me my shoes were fire and I felt so flattered.
  Alan The one hundred emoji! The red one hundred emoji.
  Jake: It's Gina Linetti! That's the other one.
  Josh: Oh no, turnt is what I was thinking of! But the slide isn't turnt, you get turnt on the slide.
  Jake: You can get turnt up on this slide.
  Shannon: Turnt is a state of being.
  Jake: Everyone's turnt if you believe in yourself. To thine own self be turnt.
• When they go down the slide to get to the kitchen, April does a running start and the other two go down normally. Jake only has Josh roll for April, since there was a chance that she'd fly off and die.
• The group has to figure out how best to get to the living room from the kitchen.
  Bodkin: How do you feel about repelling?
  April: You really need to come up with better ways to get around.
  Bodkin: Look, we're very small, we gotta work with what we got.
  Sammy: If it's the fastest way down, then we'll do it.
  Bodkin: Okay. *Beat* It's not, there's an elevator.
  April: Why I oughta...
• Jake's notes for this episode:
  • "Gotta meet some people"
  • "Button and Bodkin—find them"
  • "Path through—" and that's it! That's the whole note!

004: Book-Curious, Not Street-Curious

• Jake addresses the problem of the group referring to the game interchangeably as both "Smawl Problems" and "Finger's Crossing", and the fact that nobody has really settled on a single name. He also wants to run a different game set in the town of Finger's Crossing at a later time, and the group throw out various permutations until Jake lands on the obvious "2 Finger's 2 Crossing".
• The elevator the group is on slams to a stop at the end of the rope. Bodkin, April, and Mel are able to keep their footing but Sammy slams face-first into the ground. April then also falls to the ground, laughing her ass off.
• During a fight against a spider, Jake forgets the word for mandible and calls it a "face-stabby".
  • When talking about fighting the spider, Mel says she expected it to be bigger like The Lord of the Rings. Just the mention of the title makes April start to fall asleep.
  Mel: Well now I know a trick. If I say Silmarillion you'll fall into coma.
  April: Is that a color? Is that a city in the new Pokemon?
• At the mention of cicadas, Jake gets the idea of including them in a second Diminuitive campaign.
  Josh: We either fight them or ride them, I'm not sure which is cooler.
  Everyone else: Both!
• Jake almost calls Bodkin a Borrower before remembering he said no brand names, and all he can think of to replace it with is "Lil' Git'ems".
• Sammy keeps trying to think of ways that the cousins can help the Smawls when they're Bigs again, but keeps getting brushed off by people pointing out that they're getting by fine.
  Mel: We don't need to Big Saviour these people.
• Mel rags on Sammy for not being very adventurous.
  Sammy: I'm curious, but not—
  April: Fun?
  Jake: You're book-curious, you're not street-curious.
• As the players try to figure out how long they've been gone, they happen to look at the digital clock on the TV and see that it says (according to Jake) "45 minutes from when you left".
  April: Oddly specific.
• As Bodkin and Sprig help the kids get back through the stump, April is able to grab onto the ledge. Josh asks if she now has normal-sized fingers and the rest of her is still thumb-sized, horrifying everyone else.
• Jake reiterates that he has more ideas for Finger's Crossing as the story ends, and Josh ribs him by telling him to write them down.

Digimon Advanced!

• Jake initially suggests Alan Turing High as the name of their high school, but retracts that when Alan points out that's the same name as the school from Reboot The Guardian Code. After going through a few more ideas they land on Thomas Gotchi High School. Or as the kids call it, Tommy Gotchi High.
  • The Thomas Gotchi Rockets Baseball Team has a digital poop show up on the scoreboard when they're losing.
• Jake tries to change Fiona's hairstyle from a ponytail after Shannon puts Toni in one. Shannon doesn't mind, but Jake insists on the silhouette. The silhouette, Shannon!
• Alan mentions Homecoming Maid, and Jake and Josh stop everything to ask what that is, having never heard of it. Eventually they do find out the whole Homecoming Court system from Alan's school.
  Josh: If there's ever a Homecoming War, they have to go to battle!
  • Shannon admits her high school may have done something similar, but she never paid attention to that stuff.
• Their first period class is Computer.
  Shannon: Just one?
• Jake adjusts the age he put down on his character sheet. He thought they'd be sixteen, but he's not married to it. That's illegal.
• When all three kids look into the middle distance, Josh asks if there's anything they're looking at specifically. Alan clarifies that it's just a feeling. Cue Jake muttering lyrics to "Cut To the Feeling".
• Fiona's the only person taking notes in computer class (and seriously doubting most of the stuff her teacher Mrs. Seiver is saying). Toni is miming the lecture with her backpack zipper, and Sully is asleep in the back.
  • When Sully falls over, the Mrs. Seiver tells him to right his chair.
  Sully: Wouldn't that be a drawing?
  Jake: What? What? Hey, jokes have left the room. What?
  Josh: If you write a chair you're drawing a picture of it. Right?
  Shannon: Write a description about your chair. Write a poem about it. Draw a picture of it only using the word "chair".
• Mrs. Seiver assigns everyone to read Phillip K. Dick, which is already weird for high school freshmen, but the chat cut out and all Josh and Shannon just heard "hey dick!"
• Sully calls out for a Mrs. R before getting pulled into the computer.
  Jake: It doesn't start with an R?
  Josh: Mrs. R. Seiver, right? We're on a first letter basis!
• After they land in what looks like a version of their classroom but with old computers, Toni declares they've time travelled to the ancient past. And accidentally bumps one of said old, chunky computers.
• After the introductions.
  Tentomon: We're Digmon! Digital monsters!
  Fiona: Is that like Pokemon?
  Tentomon: Don't speak of that here.
• Naturally it turns out Mrs. Seiver was right about everything she was saying.
  Tentomon: Where do you think we came from?
  Fiona: Gas leak?
• Fiona mentions she's gonna throw up, and Sully and Toni egg her on because they want to see if it'll come out as pixels.
• Wizardmon giving a speech to the gathered digimon.
  Wizardmon: The future of the Digital World is in your hands...claws...pseudopods...mechanical digits...
  Sully: Sticky toe pads.
  Wizardmon: Toe pads.
  Servimon: I got little salad things!
  Wizardmon: Salad things.
  Toni: You could've just said appendages and covered everything.
  Wizardmon: Claws.
  Toni: You already said claws.
  Servimon: I got hooves, but only on my feet.
  Wizardmon: Feet-hooves.
  Toni: You don't hold things with your feet.
  Fiona: You don't hold things with your feet!
  Toni: I actually do sometimes.
• The system they're using is not great, which leads to a situation where Alan asks for a Brains check and Shannon to reply "humans don't have brains".
• Taomon meets the kids.
  Taomon: Are you the Digidestined?
  Sully: Nah, we got here on accident. We took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
  Keromon: Yeah, they're the digidestined!
  Servimon: *smacks Keromon* Way to go snitch.
• As the Kunemon attack.
  Sully: Y'know that lady said not to panic but I think panicking is actually the right thing to do.
  Toni: I would also love to panic if that's okay.
  Sully: I'm gonna allow that.
• Jake shouts the name of Servimon's attack, Antler Blast, then immediately points out that she doesn't have horns, just little nubs.
  • Just the fact that all the attacks get an epic echo filter over them whenever their name is called, even if the person saying it is saying it extremely casually.
• When Alan uses the same voice for Kunemon as he did for Tentomon, Jake accuses him of thinking all bugs sound the same.
• Shannon points out that Gunslimon is basically just Erron Black as a frog, and Jake sighs in exasperation after yet another Mortal Combat reference from Josh.
• Tentomon offers to give the kids jelly donuts, and pulls out a tray of...rice balls.
  Toni: If I take a bite of that and it's a jelly donut, I'm gonna throw you into something.
  Sully: Hey, at least it's not like...corn with cream in the middle.