- In "Pilot", Josh is mistaken for dating a girl who unfortunately has a large, intimidating boyfriend named Buck. When Buck comes to his house to confront him, Josh is understandably terrified.Tiffany: Look, I can date whoever I want.Buck: Yeah? Well you can't date a guy with no HEAD! (To Josh) You're hamburger meat! YOU UNDERSTAND ME?Josh: (Crying) BUT I'M A VEGETARIAN!
- "Two Idiots and a Baby" has Josh hanging from the roof after he believes that a baby he's supposed to be babysitting with Drake is stuck on the roof.(While hanging on for dear life)Josh: I deserve this, this is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is bad.Josh: (Shouting) You happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!Walter: (Off-screen) Josh?Josh: SHELDON?!
- In the episode, "Number One Fan", where Josh becomes the chief of the Campfire Kids Scouts, Megan locks him in a tent and the kids decide to have a party. After Megan asks Wendy if she's alright, Josh basically goes crazy, asking for someone to let him out.Josh: Could someone LET ME OUT OF HERE?! I hate camping too! I'm claustrophobic! I would like some s'mores!
Josh: I wanna go to Chuck E. Cheddar's! I wanna whack the mole!
- And then everyone leaves for the arcade and pizza, leaving him stuck there.
- Crazy Steve. What stands out is the episode where they get stuck in Drake and Josh's house because of a flood, and have a crankable TV. Turns out Crazy Steve likes watching Dora the Explorer.Crazy Steve: Come on Dora, you're the one with the map, don't ask me!Crazy Steve: Come on Dora! Andale, andale! Mas rapido! You call yourself an explora!?Crazy Steve: You will take a break when Dora finds her way to that banana tree. Come on Dora it's right over there!Crazy Steve: Come on, Dora! It's right behind you!
Crazy Steve: What happened to the picture!?
- And it's not Dora related but:
- When sneaking into a club, Drake devises some fake names: Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori.Drake: They could be real names...Josh: Yeah, on Planet Crazy-tron!
Josh: It's illegal to use fake IDs!
- From the same episode, we get this:
Drake: Hey, it's illegal to rob banks but people do it!
Josh: Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS!
- In the episode where Drake hustles people out of their money because Josh is such a great pool player Josh decides to teach him a lesson by having the two of them play against intimidating thug-like bikers in a bar downtown. After being scared out of his mind Josh reveals that both thugs were simply his old camp counselors and he asked them to scare Drake so he wouldn't scam people anymore. The best part is Drake's reaction to being told this:Drake: Where did you go to camp?!
- Whilst trying to not let their parents find out they have a sheep in the house: "To the garage, we've got smoothie trouble!"
- In "The Bet", Drake and Josh were so engrossed in their addictions (Drake was eating an absurd amount of sweets while Josh was busy playing video games) that they forgot to pick Megan up with the umbrella that their mother gave them, so Megan arrives home wet from the rain. Drake just gives her an umbrella.
Josh: (daydreaming) I miss video games...so, so much...Princess: JOSH! The evil dragon has locked me in his castle!Josh: (rubs his eyes incredulously)Princess: Press B to save me, Josh! PRESS BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!Josh: (hammering his finger on sink) I'M PRESSIN' IT!Biology Teacher: Josh? Josh!Josh: (still daydreaming) Yes, Princess? (what's going on quickly dawns on him)Biology Teacher: Please pay attention.
- Josh hallucinating he's playing a game while in biology class.
- The best part is what happens afterwards: The biology teacher shows everyone a real human eye and everyone reacts in disgust. She then scolds them and tells them the human body isn't disgusting, before ordering Drake to put down his book. When he lowers his book to reveal the rash he developed due to not eating sweets, she proceeds to retch in disgust and runs out of the classroom. While still carrying the eyeball.
- "COCKA-DOODLE-DOO! THE COW SAYS MOO!"
- In Megan's First Kiss, Drake and Josh decide to spy on Megan to see what she could be up to, which is eventually revealed to be her first date, the duo choose to disguise themselves while at the Premiere as rabbis.Drake: Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them!Josh: I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises.Drake: I don't even know what accent to talk with.Josh: Doesn't matter, just sound foreign.Helen: Can I help you gentlemen find something?(Drake and Josh speak in utter gibberish while using ridiculous accents)Helen: ... Potato?Drake: (Irish accent) Come along, Pontiac.Josh: Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush!Drake: (To Helen) PIP PIP DA DOODLY-DOO!Helen: (Impressed) Pip pip da doodly-doo! (To Crazy Steve) I'm gonna start sayin that.
- This little exchange at the beginning of the episode Alien Invasion:(Drake and Josh are in their room. Drake has the stereo playing really loudly while Josh is trying to do his homework.)Josh: Hey! Hey!Drake: (while eating a sandwich) Oh, sorry. Do you want some sandwich?Josh: No! Im trying to do my homework! Could you please turn that off?!(Drake turns off the stereo and picks up his guitar.)Drake: (singing in blues) Oh cranky Josh, he is getting so cranky, so very cranky... (Josh breaks his pencil out of anger) ...Oh now he's breaking things. Writing to the pencil repairman. He don't know what to do!Josh: DUDE! Would you stop with the improvisational blues tune?! Dont you have homework to do?Drake: My homework has already been taken care of.(Drake gives a note to Josh.)Josh: (reading note) "Please excuse Drake from his homework. He twisted his liver and is unable to write, read, or bathe. Yours truly: The Doctor."Drake: (proudly) Wrote it myself!Josh: Shouldn't 'The Doctor' have a name?Drake: Oh, yeah. Here, gimme that. (takes note from Josh and thinks for a few seconds) Bob! "Bob, the Doctor". (writes it down on note) Yeah?Josh: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, yeah! That is perfect!Drake: Cool!
- "It's SPHERICAL! SPHERICAL!!"
- While it's quite a sad episode, the ping-pong in "Josh is Done" is outright hilarious, especially as the boys play as kung-fu masters.
- "Are you ready to ping the pong?"
- "You have smashed the window of transparency!"
- Josh's over-the-top meltdown when he's locked out of the classroom for being late.
- Drake being given a forced shower in class. With his clothes on.
- When Josh takes a trip to a store called, "Guitar World" to replace Drake's old one that caught on fire.
- The entire beginning of "The Battle of Panthatar", where Drake and Josh talk to "everyone under the age of 5", parodying shows like Dora the Explorer where they wait for the audience to respond. Even funnier is the fact that Drake gets cookies from the "kid viewer", and Josh gets spit in his eye. Even with the modified fourth wall poor Josh can't catch a break.Drake: Hello, what's your name?Josh: Hi! Who are you?Drake: What is your favorite thing to eat?Josh: What games do you like to play?Drake and Josh: Me too!Drake: Hey, do you like me?Josh: Do you wanna be my friend?Drake: Aw, thank you!Josh: ... What is that supposed to mean?Drake: You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say!Josh: What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Don't fetch your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you!Drake: A present? For me?Josh: Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say!(Drake is handed a plate of chocolate chip cookies)Drake: A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy!Josh: I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a-(Kid spits in Josh's eye)Josh: Did you just... YOU SPIT IN MY EYE!Drake: Mmm... these are my favorite!Josh: (Rubbing his eyes) OH, IT BURNS! AGH! AGH!
- Just to show how much the world seems to hate Josh, here's a bit where he's reprimanded for saying something completely nice and inoffensive:Delivery Man: Package for Josh Nichols. (hands Josh the box)Josh: (smiling) Thanks. Have a good day!Delivery Man: Don't tell me what to do. (walks away)(Josh's smile falls).
- Anytime Josh attempts to be dramatic.Josh: I may have tripped. BUT THAT DOES NOT DIMINISH THE IMPACT OF THIS EXIT!Josh: (puts on glasses) I am not an emotional man. But... (pulls off glasses) I will go to the ends of the earth to prove that my client, Drake Parker, is INNOCENT! (slams hand on table, but smashes glasses while doing so)
- The entirety of Student Council where the above quote comes from. The sheer absurdness of episode which revolves around Drake being on trial for putting his teacher's car in her classroom.
- Mindy going through Drake's notebook.Mindy: Ah, here we see Ms. Hayfer smiling and holding an umbrella but above her, that's not rain falling is it, Drake?Drake: (weakly) Not really.Mindy: What is it?Drake: (still weakly) A piano.Mindy: A PIANO!
- The rest of the drawing or as Josh calls them, "doodles", are all hilarious. Highlights include ones of Ms. Hayfer getting eaten by an elephant and getting probed by aliens. Mrs. Hayfer mouths "I hate you." to which Drake replies out loud, "I know."
- Josh slowly headdesking after seeing them all.
- "Megan's New Teacher" has Drake struggle to climb up a rope to get into Megan's school to help Megan sabotage Josh's teaching evaluation. He then yells for Megan to come up, only for her to come in through the classroom door seconds later.Drake: How did you get in?Megan: Through the front door. It's a school, Drake, not a bank.
- "Helicopter". Basically the entire episode. A crowning example, however, is Josh knocking out their pilot (with only Drake and them in the helicopter), managing to wake him, then using the fire extinguisher to blast him out the helicopter with a parachute.Josh: I EXTINGUISHED OUR PILOT!
- At the end of the episode, the pilot shows up at their house to angrily give Walter a bill for the helicopter (after Drake and Josh abandoned it to crash in the ocean). Said bill was for $400,000, leaving Walter, Audrey and Megan shocked... prompting the note the episode ends on: Drake and Josh narrating their being grounded.(Drake and Josh turn look at each other; both then turn to resignedly look straight ahead)Drake: (defeated; as Walter) "Boys, you're both grounded."Josh: (defeated) "But dad."Drake: (defeated; as Walter) "Grounded, two weeks."Josh: (defeated) "But it wasn't our fault."Drake: (defeated; as Walter) "Upstairs."Josh: (defeated) "Yes, sir."Drake: (defeated) Night.Josh: (defeated) Night.(Drake and Josh leave)
- At the end of the episode, the pilot shows up at their house to angrily give Walter a bill for the helicopter (after Drake and Josh abandoned it to crash in the ocean). Said bill was for $400,000, leaving Walter, Audrey and Megan shocked... prompting the note the episode ends on: Drake and Josh narrating their being grounded.
- Everyone who rode the Demonator's reactions to the ride:Random Guy: It's like a part of me died, and another part of me has just been born.Random Kid: I don't even care that I puked!Drake: (to Megan) You rode the Demonator?Josh: Yep, she rode the Demonator.Megan: (dazed) Oh, I rode the Demonator.Josh: So how was it?Megan: It was like taking a piggyback ride on a wild tiger through the eye of a tornado.Drake: (both he and Josh are dazed) We rode the Demonator.Josh: The greatest rollercoaster...in the history...of mankind.Drake: It's better than love.Josh: It's better than girls.Drake: (snaps out of daze) Okay, don't get crazy!
- Anytime Drake shows his Book Dumb.Drake: There's a NEW Jersey?Josh: Yeah, they just opened it.
- Megan's really bad cover-ups for her suspicious behavior in "Megan's First Kiss."Megan: (on the phone) Why don't you meet me by the— (sees Drake and Josh) Bye! (hangs up the phone)Drake: Who were you on the phone with?Megan: I wasn't on the phone!Drake: Yeah, you were.Josh: We just saw you.Megan: No, you didn't!Drake: Yeah, we did!Josh: We were standing right here!Megan: Coming, Mom!Drake: Mom's not even home.Megan: You're not home!Megan: (after measuring their necks) What are you doing Saturday night?Drake: We're going to a concert.Josh: Why?Drake: (to Josh) Because we bought tickets.Josh: Not you! (to Megan) Why do you want to know what we're doing Saturday night?Megan: I don't care what you're doing.Drake: But you just asked us.Megan: Or, maybe you just asked yourself. Yeah. Think about that!
Drake: 'Kay, I wanna know what her deal is!Josh: Yeah, she's up to something.Drake: First, she hangs up the phone and pretends to not be talking to anybody...Josh: Then she measures our necks and asks of our social plans...Drake: Wait. She said we asked ourselves about that.Josh: Really, you're not a smart boy.
- And then, Drake even believes Megan's last cover-up!
- At the end of the episode, Megan kisses Drake and Josh on the cheek and tells them that she loves them. Shocked, Drake turns to Josh and sees that he's crying... ...Except it was really just because he was kicked in the throat.
- The opening to "I Love Sushi" sees Drake and Josh telling the audience about a revelation they had: things tend to go bad whenever they do things together. They then proceed to rhetorically ask them if they knew about this. Cue the segment becoming heavily derailed as Drake and Josh sheepishly learn that yes, the audience already knew this.
- For whatever reason, the opening sees Drake trying out various hats on a watermelon.
- Drake and Josh try to get part time jobs so they can get some money to buy furniture for the living room after it was robbed... and they get a job in a Sushi place, packing boxes of Sushi. Cue the inevitable homage to I Love Lucy.
- And yes. It has the same punchline.Employer: SPEED IT UP A LITTLE!
- Even better, there's a extra bit added where Drake and Josh start throwing the sushi at the ceiling. As expected, the sushi eventually loses its stickiness and starts raining down.
- And yes. It has the same punchline.
- After their horrendous day at the sushi factory, Drake and Josh arrive at home tired and smelling of dead fish... and they take significantly longer than they should to realize that the furniture that was stolen is back in the house.Drake: (ecstatic) We did it!Josh: (ecstatic) We didn't do anything!
- In "Tree House", the boys build a new treehouse for the neighbor kid, only for them to get trapped inside because Drake didn't put in a door.Josh: Drake?Drake: What?Josh: Where's the door hole?Drake: It goes right there. See? I drew it with a magic marker.Josh: You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw.Drake: Dude, I'm gonna.Josh: Oh really?Drake: Yes.Josh: ...So go get the power saw.Drake: Okay, I will. (walks straight into the wall) ......I see the problem.Josh: Oh, DO YA!?
- Josh's big speech at the end of "Girl Power" is simultaneously hilarious, heartwarming and awesome:Josh: You see what you do?! One night, one night, I ask you to help me and you ruin it!
Drake: Josh I-
Josh: (interrupting) I told you how important this was to me. I told you that this was my last chance to impress Mindy's parents! I spent like two days working on this dinner, and 300 bucks on a dumb harpist (turning to address her) who at this point should STOP. PLAYING! (the harpist stops) And I don't even care what you think of Mindy, 'cause she is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I can't date her because you wrecked it! Alright? You wrecked my dinner, you wrecked my $100 ice sculpture, and you wrecked my relationship!
Drake: (beat) You spent $100 on ice?
Josh: (Yells and attacks Drake)
- The entire Cumin waffle scene some highlights include:Drake: You told me to put cumin in his waffles.Josh: I said cinnamon. Cinnamon!Josh: We were flavoring a waffle, not a chimichanga!Drake: Anyone want a tangelo?Josh: Mmm half tangerine half, elo.Drake: (fake British accent) Ello.
- The Twist Ending to "The Wedding"'s opening segment:Drake: You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do.(cut to a wide shot of the living room... where we see that Drake and Josh were standing next to each other)Josh: (to Drake) ...do you?Drake: (to Josh) (scoff) Totally!(Beat)
- When Drake mispronounces "South America". Josh's face makes the scene even funnier.
- Drake and Josh had a bet to see who would be faster- Drake painting a picture of Abraham Lincoln in a bikini or Josh stacking 100 cans of tuna into a pyramid. As Drake puts the finishing touches on his painting, he wonders if he'll beat his brother. Sure enough, Josh is "10 seconds till pyramid". Except for one thing: Drake's upstairs, and he's downstairs. Cue Drake stomping on the floor.(Josh's pyramid comes down in an avalanche of tuna)Josh: ..........MY TUNA!
- Drake and Josh getting stranded in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night on the way to a wedding because Drake borrowed a ramshackle car from complete numbskull Trevor. After having his suit jacket eaten by the engine and several failed attempts to get underway, Josh gives up... on life.(Josh starts looking around at the road, then mouths, "Ah!" with a big smile)(Josh picks up a big rock)Josh: Here. (passes the rock off to Drake)Drake: What's this?Josh: Big rock.Drake: W...What do you want me to do with it?Josh: KILL ME!
- Drake decides to borrow hyper-nerd Clayton's water bottle... so he can spit out his mouthwash. Clayton's reaction sells it, like he's mourning a best friend or even a compatriot.Clayton: W-w-wwwhhh-w-wh-hhh-WHYYYYYYY???
Clayton: (still holding the tainted water bottle and pointing to it) Wh-hhh-WHYYYYYYY??? Yuck...
- Then, later, Clayton shows up at Drake's house.
Funny / Drake & Josh