Issac Asimov's ROBOTS, when the Spacer representative, after being taunted by Bailey, tosses an object at him: "There is no crime in our utopia, Detective Bailey. Now THINK FAST SHITHEAD!! Now go catch that Assassin or we're gonna exterminate you like cockroaches. BE WELL, SHARE AND ENJOY!"
Spoony's reaction to the game's premise: Solve an attempted murder before time runs out or else the Spacers invade the Earth to put down violent riots.
Spoony shows off the rest of the VCR games to offer in a poll. One of the outtakes has a couple of the games falling over and he corpses, saying that was bound to happen.
About 90% of the VCR WrestleMania Game review. It starts with Spoony insulting the overall cheapness and cash-grab nature of the product in saying he could make a better VCR game with Hulk Hogan (and does). Then moves on to The Ultimate Spoony selling children's bath toys before finishing in a three way augment between The Ultimate Spoony, Hulk Spogan and the Spoony Sheik (Noah playing all three) while Spoony sits and reads Feast for Crows.
Spoony: Okay. YOU DON'T GET TO PICK THE GAMES ANY MORE.
Also on the tape was Randy Savage's infamous "I've been in the danger zone" promo. Knowing this he probably decided to homage Botchamania during production:
The blurb for the video article on the site reads: "MINUS. FIVE. STARS."
Spoony's reaction to finding out there's a tabletop wrestling game with D20 rules? NO!NO! NO! as the episode ends on Daniel Bryan's theme.
His impression of Hulk Hogan as a stand-in for the Gatekeeper from Nightmare; including jabs at the illogical rules of Nightmare, Hogan's notorious refusal to put smaller wrestlers over, and Vince Russo's odd fondness for "X on a Pole" matches.
Even better is how Spoony describes that Wrestlers would endorse anything, even something that couldn't exist like bath toys shaped like the Ultimate Warrior's head. Adding to this are some of the comments he makes acknowledging the absurdity of the squirt head:
'''The WWF squirt head, is a really real thing that actually exists!"
'''I am not even kidding, this thing was actually made!"
Complaining that the producers of the game didn't make any effort to get original content, like maybe Hulk Hogan just reading some lines, and declares "motherfucker will say anything for fifty bucks". He then proves his point with a clip of the actual Hogan giving a shout-out to a Green Lantern message board with a joke about him, two of the Green Lanterns and Geoff Johns "running wild" on Sinestro, Black Hand and Atrocitus.
Telling off the wrestlers at the end:
Spoony: Alright, alright! Shut uuuuuup! [to Ultimate Warrior] You! For God's sake, man, stay away from the childens' bathtime toys and focus on the fuckin' video games! Ultimate Spoony: WHAT'S A VIDEO GAME!? Spoony: [to Hulk Hogan] You! Stop making sex tapes! In fact, stop making sex altogether! [to Iron Sheik] And you...! You... never change. Iron Spoon: IRAN NUMBER ONE! U.S.A. P'TUH!
Spoony's shock, disgust and horror that Acclaim was the company that made the game.
"This is how you spell Don Muraco's name right?" (flashes up two misspellings of said name.)
Oh god, the entire VCR Golf review is amazing. Spoony can turn crap into gold.
He look at the back of the box and see two people having fun with a board game, VCR Golf. And then photoshop it out with Crossfire. Then make the two sounds like there are having fun with VCR Golf.
His reading of the blurb at the back of the game's box in the same hushed tones as golf announcers, only to start laughing when he comes across the line about 4AM "that's the stroke" sessions. Additionally:
As he's explaining the rules (and how boring they are) Spoony immediately invents a new, better game: Wizards playing golf!
Aaand then he Goes Mad From The Revelation when he learns that you have to use an actual putter and golf ball to play the game. Which is not mentioned anywhere in the game box.
And when you think it can't get worse for poor ol' Spoony, halfway through the review, he is sent a DIFFERENT VCR Golf. It's made better by the fact that, at first, he thinks it's the same one. Then he sees the box the other one came in, compares the two, and then realizes its a different game.
After the video, Spoony tries to putt a ball into the plastic cup that came with the game, only for Oreo to immediately chase after the ball, while he and Miles laugh.
And then Spoony takes about nine strokes to sink in the putt, but Miles manages a hole in one.
Miles: Bobby Jones, cuz that was a stroke of genius.
The beginning of the review: Remember when he said that he would stab whoever sent him the game? When he saw the game at his front door, he pulled out a gunblade and his car-keys, wearing a small Slasher Smile.
He then dedicates the video 'to the memory of all the fans who donated'.
The Sanity Slippage with the second game is just brilliant. He stares at it for a good bit, stammers incoherently, and begins to sob... Until he suddenly stops. He grows a Slasher Smile and slowly looks around, as if there were other people in the room. Finally, he walks out and comes back with a Gunblade, laughing like The Joker.
The game lasts until all sixty cards are played. Brian, after palying the first card, instinctively puts it at the bottom of the deck before Spoony chastises him, removes the card, and hurls it off the table while exclaiming "You Fool!"
One of the last cards Spoony draws tells him to go on his hands and knees and act like a frog. You can guess where this is going: My name ees Benzaie and dees game ees fucking *Brad breaks out laughing* dees game ees booshit!
At one point, all three do dueling Nicolas Cage impressions.
For that matter, how the video goes from Spoony Laughing Mad scored by Mr. Crabtree's theme music, followed by him running after him with the gunblade before a Smash Cut to the show's opening.
The best part of this bit is right before the music starts. Travis says that a package addressed to Spoony arrives at his house. Spoony's only response is to just stare despairingly at the box and murmur a quiet "Great".
Spoony: "Oh you son of a-!" [notices that he just screamed at an Ultramarine, backs off]
Ultramarine [Shakes head at camera]
Which turns into a Running Gag when a pair of Jedi do the same thing at the launch of Star Wars: The Old Republic.
And again when a pair of North Korean soldiers from Homefront do it
Spoony's reacting to the new X-COM game by screaming "BETTRRRRAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs in the middle of the conference hall prompting Angry Joe of all people to put on an Oh Crap face and later say "I'm not with him!" while stepping away from the camera.
Made even more hilarious when you realize his cry was so loud it echoed.
Spoony singing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" at PAX. Glorious.
What changes it from "entertaining" to "freaking hysterical" is contrast between everyone else playing alongside with him standing uncomfortably rigid, and then Spoony hamming it up to the nth degree in the middle.
Lampshaded by Spoony himself: "And may we never speak of this again".
And then playing Let's Dance 2. "Who was taping this? Turn it off, turn it off!"
And then, the words "SHAME REACHING CRITICAL MASS" appear in large red letters.
The Final Fantasy series has officially become his Berserk Button after seeing the horrible demo of the fourteenth game at PAX. His mention of when the game will be released, usually played straight even with other games he hates, includes him shouting that he's only telling us this so we can feel good when we don't buy it.
Especially hilarious was his answer to the question how many MMO games had better PAX demonstrations than FF XIV.
From his panel with Maffew of Botchamania at Magfest, his impression of wrestlers, but especially Wade Barret and Randy Orton.
"You don't understand. 'head turn and looking downward at the mic' I kick you in the skull, I kick your mother in the skull, I kick my own Grandmother in the skull if it meant getting the world heavyweight title." then looking upward confusedly.
Also saying that saying 'Woo' after things makes them okay.
Describing the storyline where Edge kidnapped Paul Bearer, and proceeded to torment Kane by destroying mannequins dressed as Bearer week after week as "like Spy versus Spy".
The return of the "Betrayal" scream in the intro for Spoony's E3 2011 X-Com video.
The Nintendo Pre-Show video, with Spoony, Angry Joe, and Jew Wario... And the first thing Joe & Justin comment on is Spoony growing his hair out, with Spoony's protesting that he's doing it for a Loki cosplay.
Spoony's rant about Sony's abysmal support for the Vita, describing it as Sony procrastinating for a week instead of working on a ten page paper & then just doing a rush job complete with size 14 font, double spaces, and small margains; before ending with this.
Angry Joe starting his interview with the developers of X-Com: Enemy Unknown, only for Spoony to storm in screaming "BETRAYAL!" at the top of his lungs, before Joe quickly points Spoony to the Enemy Unknown gameplay footage. Cut back to Spoony, looking like a child on Christmas morning, before throwing his arms in the air & declaring "LOYALTY!"
Spoony's fake promotion for NBA Baller Beats. What really sells it is how "enthusiastic" he is until this gem of a line pops up.
Spoony: Wait, what's that? You don't have a hard wood floor? Oh, um. Oh. Ohhh. Well Shit.
The main characters are soldiers, approaching a beach for a battle in a war. They are on a cruise liner, looking optimistic, and when they land, nothing happens. "Afternoon Delight" starts up to accompany this scene, until Spoony points out that this is not war at all. Cut to the D-Day scene of Saving Private Ryan, showing what it should look like, as well as a caption saying that "this is what should happen to them". Yeah, the German machine gun fire scene. Afternoon Delight is still playing.
How he summoned Diablos... *cue the ominous music*
"What in the fuck is that?!" Subtitle: OMG TEH SATAN! "El Diablo, NOOOO!"
The multiple references to how he can summon Satan at will after the battle are priceless as well.
"A test of bravery? Seriously dude, fuck you. How about this for a test of bravery: how about I summon the fucking devil to peel your face off and fuck you in the eye sockets because I kicked his ass, and he's my bitch now?!"
Dude, she's eighteen and she whips people! I have to go to Tijuana and pay to get women like that to pay attention to me!
At one point he mentions that Quistis explains Seifer was in the disciplinary room but broke out, "Well this just proves Seifer's gay, because trust me, any straight guy stuck in a place called the "disciplinary room" with Quistis...he wouldn't wanna leave"
"My Vice President is Fu Manchu! *through laughter* What the hell is wrong with you people? I'm pretty sure that's not even legal!
"My election platform was to build a giant robot sawblade that would cut Canada off at the top and then attach it to Australia so they wouldn't bother us anymore! My vice president... is Fu Manchu! What the hell is wrong with you people?! I'm pretty sure that's not even legal! Oh, man, we are so going to jack this country up beyond repair!"
Spoony's reaction in the final episode when his least favourite piece of music from the game starts playing.
Dating advice from Spoony:
"Grrr... Squall, I am warning you—the off chance of seeing Quistis naked is about the only thing that keeps me playing this game: DO NOT SCREW THIS UP!"
"She doesn't want you to say anything, she just wants you to get horizontal! NO DON'T SAY THAAAAAA... I hate this game, I hate it, I hate it..."
"NORG THE FAT DEMANDS MORE PIE!!!"
Playing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" when the phony President of Galbadia revealed himself to be a zombie.
Playing the soft, relaxing music over a Star Wars clip of Obi-Wan fighting Darth Maul.
Followed by playing the Final Fantasy victory tune when Maul kills Qui-Gon Jinn.
In relation to Laguna's dream sequence in which a real dragon appears instead of the prop dragon for the movie: "Remember when this happened to Christian Bale and Matthew McConaughey when they were shooting Reign of Fire?"
"So yeah, this is what happens when you put Squall and Selphie in charge of humanity's last hope: now there's another pissed-off ancient sorceress, the world is crawling with monsters from the moon, and Selphie is still OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND!!!"
I personally think it's kind of funny that the gap between the releases of Part 07 and Part 08 was almost exactly 16 months long.
Exposing the Fridge Logic of the game's magic use mechanic by matter-of-factly explaining how one could go into a store, buy a tent and then refine it into healing spells....or convert The Devil into 100 black holes that the player can then proceed to just carry around.
A minor one from Part 9, when Spoony talks about Flashbacks, and mentions LOST, showing a slip of Sayid wistfully remembering his past, and adds a clip of Bride and Prejudice with Naveen Andrews in a dance scene.
Final Fantasy X
His new review of Final Fantasy X named Tidus "Meg Ryan" and is running an "Ass Count" of shots of a (usually female) character's ass up close and has an "unsent" version of him ("It's gay", he says about being dead). Ah Spoony, happy days are here again.
Following a big epic freak-out leading to a static cut to an image of Spoony dressed as Kefka, Spoony tries to calm down and compose himself... to no avail.
Spoony: I think I just needed to vent and kind of get it all out. I've done that and I-I-I-I kind of think I can handle this rationally from here on out.
*cut to Tidus monologuing to soft music*
Tidus: Listen to my story.
Spoony: NO!!! FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOUR STORY!!!! IT SUCKS!!!!
"Your religion is a hollow lie! Nah yah!"
Spoony explaining how Blitzball is impossible:
Spoony: You CAN'T throw a volleyball underwater. YOU CAN'T! I don't care if you're Harry fucking Potter and you were riding a jet powered broomstick underwater and fired the fucking ball out of a bazooka! The ball ain't moving like this.
The portion of Final Fantasy X Part 2 where Tidus walks into the locker room and everyone sighs disappointedly was hilarious.
Spoony: Heh heh heh. And Tidus wonders why that happens every time he walks into a room.
Spoony(impersonating Tidus): I'm the star player for the Zanarkand Abes! I should be rolling in pussy!
Spoony's reaction to the lack of urgency the heroes have in terms of their mission:
Spoony: Well, I guess we take a break from our world-saving pilgrimage for some Blitzball. It's not like Sin roaming the countryside, devouring whole population centers this very momen— *cut to Sin roaming the countryside, devouring whole population centers this very moment* Ooohhhhh...
His reaction to the infamous "laughing scene":
Spoony: Goddamn it! Do you hear this? Do you hear this people? THIS IS THE SOUND OF MY HELL! AN ETERNITY OF THIS SOUND! AND IT NEVER! SHUTS! UUUUUUUUUUUUP!"
His attempt at rationalizing the chocobo knights' offensive against Sin:
Spoony: What was the plan again? Lure Godzilla into the most feeble trap ever conceived and hope it dies of laughter?
His amazement over Auron, the one character he actually likes, is funny enough. The Hallelujah music in the background makes it even better.
The entire rant about Seymour, which ends with Spoony asking his fans to kill anyone who likes the game.
They're, like, voters! Kill them! Kill them all!
Also, his reaction when the latter summons Anima:
Spoony: But things start looking bad for our heroes until Seymour steps in and summons a magic boat anchor to pull fucking Dagon up from hell itself to kill everything!
[Anima kills all the fiends in the stadium]
Spoony: Okay, yes. He dragged a Great Old One up in chains from Hell itself to serve him! [sounds nervous] But that doesn't make him evil! Wh-wh-why would you think that? The man's a hero! Uh... [holds up his hands in worship] Praise be to Yevon!
On Wakka's reaction to Chappu's death, and the absurdity of blaming the gun instead of the kaiju:
Why would you put your trust in an assault rifle when you have a perfectly good volleyball? No, I'm never going to let the Blitzball thing go!
And his reaction to the "reward" he got for winning the Blitzball game, after hours of frustration:
The game opens up an entire league of Blitzball. Oh... oh wow, no. God, no. Just no. Look, is that meant to be a reward? Do I wanna play more Blitzball? Do I wanna be waterboarded?!ARE YOU MAD?! And, it's accessible from any safe sphere. Anywhere. Fuck your blitzballs with a rusty gunblade. FUCK THIS GAME!!!
On Rikku's (in)famous Wetsuit Removal Scene:
Oh, come on, seriously? Why don't you just have the underage girl deepthroat a banana while you're at it?
On the Shoopuf (a "dinosaur taxi"):
Spoony: I don't know, guys, this is pretty stupid but not quite stupid enough for this game. It's just missing something...
So, you go into the temple ... and eventually find a group of d-ENORMOUS GAZONGAS...uh, Tits jugs Lulu- I MEAN it's just Lulu, the Boob Mage- Black Mage!... Sorry, I'm just pretty funbags-FLUSTERED!
Part 3 of his FFX review opens up with a Crowning Moment as he notes that what the Blitzball tournaments are missing are the Vuvuzelas and over the top football/soccer commentators.
Or in Part 3 when Spoony says "Ah Crap, it's another anti-magic field generator kit!" only to be interrupted by Dr. Insano marketing his Magic Negator. He goes into how indestructible and unreachable it is only to be interrupted by footage of Wakka destroying it with his Blitzball.
Dr. Insano: (Shocked Silence) What the- A Blitzball!? Who throws a Blitzball? COME ON! That's just dumb!
His reaction to Wakka trying to cheer Rikku and the Al Bhed up over the destruction of their home city by saying it's "like happy festival fireworks, ya?"
Spoony: That's like trying to cheer people up after Hurricane Katrina by saying it's like a big giant water park!
His extensive rant on Tidus in his Final Fantsy X review, with him growing more and more deranged, culminating with a Technical Diffuculties scene with a picture of Insano cosplaying as Kefka. Hate Hate Hate!
"That's why I started training at a Shaolin monastery... until I realized the lessons would be really expensive, so I just went out and bought this gun!"
Spoony's rant on how disgusted he is the people find Rikku (who is only 15) to be a sex symbol... until he sees a picture of woman cosplaying as her.
"Our hero, ladies and gentlemen: too stupid to eat!"
Spoony full out sings "Whole New World" when Seymour tries to impress Yuna. And it's just... amazing.
Spoony says that if he hit (Rikku's) Jail Bait ass, he'd have a rap sheet, leading to:
Rikku: Well, just give me five or six more years. (Slaps her ass)
Spoony: Woah! You are a prison sentence waiting to happen kid!
In the finale, Spoony's entrance into the scene dressed as Tidus. He just looked so goddamn ridiculous its impossible not to laugh.
Black Lantern Spoony's present. "YOU FOOL!"
The characters getting ROCKED TO DEATH when Yunalesca summons Megadeth.
And, in the same vein, pointing out the background music for a certain fight sounds like a dog trying to sing Slayer.
Actually, the final part had a lot of hilarious music moments. Also included are "Poker Face" for Yunalesca, and "The Pina Colada Song" and "Cheeseburger in Paradise" for what Jecht's favorite song could be.
Spoony yelling at Seymour's generic nihilistic Final Fantasy villain motivation for destroying the world.
Spoony: I like Jecht already. If ever a little fucker needed a beating and constant emotional abuse, it's this dude. Try to look at it from Jecht's point of view; you're the greatest blitzball player (and Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator) to ever live! And this is the whiny brat who's going to inherit your family name?! Would you ever be able to deal with the shame, the cold hard fact that your loins produced such a wispy, screeching abomination? Would you ever be able to claim this sawed-off, pasty, fish faced fucking bastard as your kid? Every time that Jecht looks at this waste of lederhosen, he has got to be wondering what sin he committed to blight the world with such a blitheringly stupid cunt creature instead of the son he always wanted. I mean, how would you feel if you produced this unholy spawn, the world's greatest argument for partial-birth abortions?
Having ended part 1 with Tidus repeatedly kicking a suitcase for potions, part 2 begins with Tidus still kicking the case and Spoony wearing a long white hair and beard wig.
Spoony: Just steal the whole fucking case already!
Final Fantasy X- 2
Randomly shouting "Deep wang!" when he gets especially pissed off.
When Spoony has to learn the Al Behd language, which he already did in FFX.
Spoony: "Go digging for Al Behd primers in the Bikanel Desert, expose yourself to the language as much as possible." Expose yourself to my cock! I already did this shit the last fucking game, and I didn't care that time either! Hell, Rikku is one of the core characters. She's an Al Behd! She knows the fucking language! She grew up speaking the fucking language! "Go digging in the Bikanel Desert." Go digging in my shit for corn!
His growing rage over "the password is monkey" scene.
Ninja: Oh hey, I wanted to double-check that clue. It's "mon," right? Nah, it's just that I heard some kids saying that it was "key."
Spoony: (unimpressed) It's "monkey."
Ninja: (laughing stupidly) Yeah, I figured it was "mon." Over and out.
"Stay tuned for part 2. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go use my penis on something."
His confusion over not being dropped off at the top of a floating island, despite a line to that effect.
The impression of what Wakka's been like since finding out the truth about Yevon.
[reading a shopkeeper's text] "I've got this key with the emblem of Besaid on it. How does-" 900,000 GIL?! Eat my tits! This ain't exactly a mint condition copy of Action Comics #1 you know. The fuck do I care about a key?!... I'll be back.
And then later on in the game, he returns to the store with the money to buy the key...and it's already been sold. Spoony wonders what the heck the shopkeeper's still doing there after getting that much money.
His horrified disgust at finding out that the goal of the game is to find Tidus.
His rant about why the heroes never bothered to search Zanarkand for spheres first, seeing as Tidus would never shut up about coming from there in the first game.
His reaction to Paine:
Spoony: But you know, I really like the dark, brooding goth chicks, girls who wear all leather, have a lot of self-doubt, don't say much and mope all the time. If only there was a female counterpart to Squall from Final Fantasy VIII, but with big titties, so I can harbour secret fuck fantasies about him, but without it being gay.
"If i wanted to see something with bad audio and no light, I'd watch one of The Cinema Snob's early episodes!"
Even funnier when he later apologized on Twitter, saying that Brad's early videos were still better than his, and Brad's response.
"This music is almost as bad as the one time I got tricked into going to The Nostalgia Chick's accordion recital."
[Cut to Spoony on a couch, holding Kali, the Chick's Boston terrier, with a terrified look on his face while the Nostalgia Chick plays the accordion]
Spoony's encounter with the Massage Leblanc mini-game.
Spoony's reaction to the 'incestuous love triangle' sub-plot. "I would expect this sort of depravity from perverted slash-fic writers on the internet, but not you!" Doubly funny because he's probably in plenty of fanfictions with that sort of plot. And he probably knows it.
Is this a uniform or... what is it? Who gets up in the morning and just decides "You know, I'll go with thigh-high boots with garters attached to my purple corset with shoulder pads, and under that, my green and yellow front-zipper turtleneck bikini. No pants, baby! That's how the Youth League rolls. No pants!"
Spoony: Oh that is a problem, here's a solution: ASK HIM HIS FUCKING NAME!!!!
In episode three, Spoony points out the Fridge Logic in hosting a concert in the Thunder Plains- an area where, in the previous game, lightning would strike the player every few seconds. How does he do this? By having the audience subjected to a lethal version of the same treatment, with random lightning bolts killing spectators in massive explosions and Yuna's singing punctuated with Wilhelm Screams.
"And they decide the best course of action is..." *insert Jeopardy! write-down-answer music*
Hoping the concert is called "Yunapalooza"
After finishing the review, Spoony realizes that he's going to have to fight someone from the game. It turns out to be Yuna, as portrayed by Spoony in drag.
Spoony: Oh my god. You are the sexiest woman I have ever seen in my life.
Spoony ordering Oreo to bring him guns...and she instead comes back with a squeaky toy.
And it works.
Evil Burton identifying Spoony and his likes and dislikes. The likes includes Transgender/Tentacle Hentai.
"I'm sick of all the violence and hate in the world, so I'm gonna violently hate-fuck the world in half with my Doomsday weapon's mile-long cockgun!"
"Is an enemy nation accusing you of saber rattling, or questionning the size of your mighty, magnificent penis?"
"Dude, why are you trying to kill me? I was pretty complimentary on your game, all things considered! ...Oh wait, I brutally murdered your boyfriend with a gunblade. Shit."
At the end of the review, it looks like Yuna is going to kill Spoony. Who saves the day? SEPHIROTH. All because he's a big fan of Spoony's work. And then capped off when he tosses Spoony a copy of Final Fantasy XIII and walks off.
Spoony's complete confusion over the nature of Tidus and Shuyin's existence. There's just something hilarious about how he rambles.
Spoony's facepalm when Yuna shares her plan B: Love. Cue him playing multiple clips of facepalms, including one from Naked Gun 3.
Spoony's Call Back to Wakka's What the Hell, Hero? moment from the first game, namely telling Wakka to think of Happy Festival Fireworks when the idea of burning down the temple in Wakka's hometown when the building was overrun with fiends.
Final Fantasy XIII
Actually taking back a lot of what he's complained about with Final Fantasy VIII over the years because of how much worse things have got since then, saying at least that game knew to make the main character the main character, and if Final Fantasy VIII was made today it would probably be told from the perspective of Zell.
Spoony repeatedly comments on how interesting a concept he finds Lightning's gravity manipulation device thing seen in the intro and how much he looks forward to it doubtless being an integral gameplay mechanic, before casually adding that it never shows up again.
Another subtle one to the same review is how, when complaining about how illogical the FFXIII save points are in the context of the game world, he casually mentions how 'I understand Dalad Jelly, but...' considering he spent minutes going mad over over-analysing that in the earlier review.
Spoony giving us an insight into his overanalytical Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny! internal monologue by starting out wondering about the glowing robes in this setting and somehow ending up, a rambling tangent later, by deciding that the life pod thing Darth Vader sits in in The Empire Strikes Back is actually a toilet.
Spoony's rant about "THE HALLWAY". Delivered in a despair ridden monotone, describing it as a prison from one which cannot escape.
Fittingly enough, this comes a short time after he made a Counter Monkey video about a player who tried on purpose to piss off an Eldritch Abomination to get into a deadly maze which is meant to be a death sentence, and beat it by picking a species which he believed could not get lost in a maze. Spoony as DM reacted to it by making the maze a straight line 100 million miles long. This fits Spoony's perception of Final Fantasy XIII quite well.
The start of Part 2 is a light What the Hell, Hero? to everyone in the flight sequence not helping Sazh dangling for his life from the back.
Spoony's disbelief at the "magic trenchcoat" explanation for why Snow can punch robots to death with his bare hands.
His frustration over the story's massive amount of Fridge Logic. It culminates in his disbelief that the game is so badly written that the writing itself becomes the Big Bad. (That is, when the fal'Cie turns the main characters into l'Cie and gives them all a task they must complete in order to avoid being turned into robot zombies, it never bothers to explain what that task is).
During the scene where Snow reaches out to Serah, Spoony considers it to be a symbolic reference.
Spoony: Oh, I know this one! Hang on. Symbolism! Hang on...symbolism of what? That Michelangelo painting? 'K, uh, why? The painting represents that Man is created in God's image or that God gave Man life, and that means nothing in this context. Nothing's being imparted or created in this scene, and the mere thought that this somehow symbolizes that Snow is God-*coughs*-Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Maybe it's to symbolize that Snow has a really tiny dick. Yeah, I'll roll with that one.
Going crazy over the nonsensical enemies and concepts which, while they made sense in previous games due to its heavy old-school fantasy genre, makes absolutely no sense in a more sci-fi centered game.
The brief scene with Dr. Insano and Oreo, where the former is trying to tape the latter with a police siren as she makes (fake) growling sounds.
Channeling The Cinema Snob for a brief moment, saying that since the game reminds him of Tekken, it's "clearly a masterpiece".
Which is funny in a different way if you played the game, as he's firing into the air in order to get the civilians to clear out so he & Fang can rescue Hope & Lightning. He just does it in the most boneheaded way possible.
After seeing Snow and Hope fall several stories from the top of a skyscraper:
Spoony: "Oh wait, wait I've seen this one! Uh, lemme guess, they get blown off a rooftop and they fall two hundred feet and then they land head first and oh come on you know you wanna' do it! I want you to do- come on do it you motherfuckers they walk off without a scratch come on do it. Do it! DOOO IIIIIIIIIT!!!"
Hanging a fantastic lampshade on the idea that someone trying to destroy the world is wasting their time on an internet reviewer.
He starts to recognise Barthandelus's voice from somewhere and looks the actor up on IMDB. It's Reynolds.
Spoony: I never forget an asshole!
And right after pointing out that his entire plan is apparently to piss the heroes off so much that they destroy the world out of spite. After noting that there is nothing this dude can say that could possibly have that effect, he looks him up. One "You're in my spot, sir" later, and Spoony puts his fist through the laptop and is ready to destroy the world himself. He also dubs over a scene with audio from his Let's Play of Swat 4:
Barthandelus/Reynolds: I need you to move over, sir.
Snow/Spoony: You son of a bitch, what the fuck are you talking about?!
Barthandelus/Reynolds: Get out of the way!
Snow/Spoony (tries to punch Barthandelus/Reynolds): I will punch you in the fucking soul, you fucking asshat!
Spoony criticizing a really big Plot Hole in XIII's plot: the main characters are basically told "do THIS CERTAIN THING or become a robot zombie". The problem is? THEY'RE NOT TOLD WHAT THAT "CERTAIN THING" IS.
Spoony: This would be like if some motherfucker just kicked the door into my house, handed me a banana and a shotgun, and said "Now hurry the fuck up, Spoony, or I'll kill your whole fucking family!" THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?!
The funny part is that the later portions of the review have him doing the opposite, calling out the heroes for actually following through their plan, though acting as if they have free will. It's equally funny.
The entire sequence with the absurdly long hotel table. "I got this table from the Last Supper. Jesus wasn't using it. He said I could have it."
Funniest thing? The game was in on the joke. After a few Spoony's jokes about them not hearing each other, the protagonist actually shouts "Miss, I'm sorry but I can't hear you from this side of the table!"
Joking that the music in the hotel dining room is the Mario theme, he hums the Mario theme only to realize how close they are and utters a bemused "What the hell?"
Looking at the video it seems that he said that in response to the extremely long dinner table in the Hotel.
"Any game that doesn't feature a diaper changing mini game instantly loses two stars in my opinion, just like, right off the top."
"Oh, hell with it, let's do it right here on the table!"
The game proving that timing is the cornerstone of comedy:
Spoony (as York): I can hear you much better now that the music's stopped! [The music starts up again before he even manages to finish his sentence] (frustrated) Oh...
[During York's dream]
Boy: York! York!.................
Spoony: ..................YES, may I help you little boy?
"Okay kids, time to go ho-AAAAH, JESUS CHRIST, MY LORD AND SAVIOR! THE FUCK IS THAT?! WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
"You have to manage your hunger, sleepiness and boredom levels. It's like a combination between Silent Hill and The Sims. Or you'll just pee all over yourself."
Let's Play - Phantasmagoria
The Spoony One's take on Phantasmagoria 2 will have you laughing uncontrollably about every ten seconds. Really amazing stuff considering it's his first full LP, and it's the first time he's played the game. "Phantasmagoria: The Quest for the Wallet!" "Oh my god, it's a gay version of me!" "All right, World of Warcraft, let's dance!" "Someone has sand in his vagina!" "When the bouncer at the scummy club knows your date by her first name, it's not a good sign!"
"Phantasmagoria: A Puzzle of the Flesh! Can you feel the bone-chilling horror as he changes his rat's sawdust?"
He enters his admin's office for the first time, and loses his shit at all the animal head trophies on the wall.
*Australian accent* Oi! My name's Patrick Muldoon, network administrator and big-game hunter! I'm out of the office at the moment, but I'll be right back so if you'd care to leave a message. OI! And put your covers on those TPS reports, ya bloody bastard!"
All the slightly Hypocritical Humour where Spoony paints Curtis as a massive nerd. Lampshaded at one point with "This man wants to bring back Sliders! ...or that might just be me."
"So, come on up to the lab and...see what's on the slab."
What happens when Curtis wastes a little too much time:
Curtis: I love you, Blob... Spoony: (deep breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH! You know, if the game itself isn't going to take a fucking interest in the storyline then why the hell should I?!
"Oh no... Emo Powers... fading... Crawling in my skiiiiiiiiiin....."
"It's fun to stay at the Y... arrrrgh..."
"Curtis just had a vision of gore, and I flashback to the 80's for a minute there."
He has Curtis call himself, which results in a demonic voice calling him a "motherlicking" something-or-other. "Man, I gotta change my answering machine. (beat) Let's do it again!"
This hysterical bit:
Spoony: Oh, I know what we gotta do! We gotta call Bob, 'cause you know something bad is gonna happen! The way his day's goin'... Bob:(on phone)You murdered me. (Curtis hangs up and the phone rings) Spoony:' Watch, it's Bob. "Ratboy, you bastard, don't hang up on me!" Bob: Don't hang up on me, you murdering, psycho son-of-a-bitch! (Spoony cracks up)
In the part at the end where Spoony parodies the phone part (and one of his own running gags), this part shines through:
Spoony:(Scoffs) Like I really want to talk to Batman. (The phone rings) Batman:' I heard that, Noah.
Spoony constantly wondering if various people want to see Curtis' screwdriver.
And unquestionably the greatest ending to an LP ever. Seriously, just watch it.
In particular the bit where he parodies the way Curtis always seems newly surprised that his computer/phone/mirror etc goes supernatural and attacks him every time (presumably because the FMV clips could have been played in different orders) by calling people on his phone and getting more shocked every time something happens.
When they talked about the banality of evil, I'm pretty sure this wasn't what they were talking about.
Spoony's reaction to the next scene where Curtis is dangling from ceiling-mounted chains in his room—first hysterical laughter, then questioning the details:
Spoony: Think of all the preparation this must have took. She had to go to a hardware store, get a stepladder, a stud finder, thirty feet of chain...She had to get a power drill, an extension cord, something to cut the chain with, she had to special-order the leather underwear and harness. That's gotta be 200 pounds hanging from the ceiling there."
"And he shoved the toolbox UP HIS ASS!" (Since it is not visible on the ingame character, only in his inventory.)
"And now Columbia is hitting on me. Ya know, if I keep coming back here I'm sure every cast member of Rocky Horror will want to have sex with me."
At one point, before finding out Therese's name, Spoony refers to her as "Horny the elf".
Tom writing Tifa/Cloud bondage smut fic while working late at the office.
"Tifa's enormous milky-white breasts were slick with perspiration as they heaved against the cruel bonds of her black leather bodice. She struck Cloud again with the whip and said "Do you like that little boy?" "Oh yes Tifa, I do," he said."
"Hey look; electronic mail! ...I'm sorry, I'll do it again." *slap*"I'm a bad boy..."
"I know I've been hard on this actress, but she's not -that- bad... in fact, I've grown rather phoned of her." *slap*"Ow..."
"Y'know, I've had such a bug up my butt these last few days..." *slap*"Ow, I'm sorry..."
"Even though it wasn't technically on the desk, Curtis did end up boning her after all, so I'm awarding full points! Hehe! I mean it was boning, just not in the way you'd thought it would be, heehee..." *slap*"Hey ow, that was involuntary!"''
Any time the milquetoast Curtis tries to be self-confident:
Trevor: ...But here I am on time, fresh as a daisy!
Curtis: A daisy, huh? You know, I could say something.
Spoony: —if I were wittier.
Bob the murder scene. "Would it be inappropriate to sing 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead?'", "Oh he was my sworn blood enemy." "Look, killing Bob wasn't as important to me as crushing his everlasting soul and humiliating him." "He was a weapon's grade douche nozzle."
Let's Play - SWAT 4
His legendary spazzing whenever the SWAT officers complain about the player being in their way.
Girard: "You're in my spot, sir." Spoony: "You son of a bitch. I swear to God...!" Girard: "You're in my way, sir." Spoony: "You MOTHERFUCKER. I will PUNCH you in the fucking SOUL, you FUCKING asshat!"
Bonus points for it being same officer almost every time.
Subverted in one of the later videos:
Jackson: "That's my mark you're at." Spoony: "Oh, you ass—wait, you're not Reynolds! Who the fuck are you?!"
Followed immediately by a flashbang blinding Spoony, as he was too distracted to look away from the door.
This seems to be how Spoony learned their names, as a few missions later:
Jackson: You're standing in my position, sir." Spoony: "What?! Oh, eat my shit, Jackson, you stupid fucking FUCK-WHISTLE."
Also, at one point, Reynolds gets incapacitated, and Spoony just gloats over his body.
Spoony: Who's in the way now, bitch?
He does likewise with not-Reynolds when he gets killed immediately following the above exchange (and another flashbang screw-up.
Spoony: "No, no, no it's not ending this way. Seriously, I'm sorry I injured a fellow officer, but it's not ending this way! I AM BURNING THIS FUCKER DOWN! Burn it! Fire it up! Fire it up! Fire it up!" Shortly after the discovery of the child graveyard in the basement, SWAT Commander Spoony reported the discovery of an armed incendiary device near the cult's stockpile of liquid fertilizer. He ordered a withdrawal of the team to await the bomb squad, but the device 'unexpectedly' detonated before their arrival, destroying the entire building. No police officers were injured, but tragically, the device exploded before the kiddie-murdering cultists could be evacuated from the scene. There were no survivors. No further investigation is planned.
Also, "All right, you sci-fi wizard fuckers! Here's a stinking cloud! Mwahaha!" [throws CS]
Spoony orders his team to open a door and flash-bang the room, but unfortunately a suspect is standing directly on the other side of the portal...
Spoony: Crap, he's standing in the door! Don't throw the gren- (the flash-bang rebounds off the suspect and explodes in the middle of the SWAT team, the screen turns white and the sound is killed) Spoony:YOU FOOL! (screen fades out while Spoony is still screaming in rage in the background)
Episode 11 comes full circle—Spoony flings a flashbang himself and blinds his entire team. He immediately shouts "YOU FOOL!" then pauses, and says "No, wait, ME FOOL!"
After Spoony accidentally shot and killed two of his teammates:
And the last third of the ninth video of SWAT 4 has the DEATH MONTAGE, showing the infuriatingly yet hilariously large amount of deaths Spoony suffered while playing through that level.
Followed by another one presented as a Russian police training video (with a a perfect use of Dschingis Khan's "Moskau"), with plenty of anti-Semitic and Soviet propaganda Engrish. "Aim Better For Much Victory", "Individual Is Weak. Trust in Comrades and Glorious Socialist Union", "Is police! But we arrest for bad sweater."
Also, in the same mission, Spoony arrests Chester A. Bum by spraying him in the face with an excessive amount of mace. Chester manages to escape by eating his zip-ties and hijacking an ice cream truck with an RPG-7 stolen from the arms deal.
Episode 11, aptly titled I Die A Lot takes this to the logical extreme, with him ending up having to make the ENTIRE mission a Death Montage due to the ridiculous times he's died/rage-quitted/friendly-fired upon or just plain failed.
Finally determining once and for all "THEY were in MY way."
Also, Spoony just getting fed up with his own teammates and gunning them down.
"DIE! DIE! DIE YOU FUCKER!" (After killing the enemy, he turns to his team, who were standing behind him doing nothing while he was getting shot) "FUCK YOU GUYS TOO!"
(Attempt #3) "Oh, you fucker! You ran right in front of me and you shot me for that?"
(Attempt #4) "I hate this motherfucker in the bathroo- OH YOU STUPID FUCK! You ran right in front of my assault rifle! AGAIN!"
"No, not stairs! (Whiny) My foot is owie..."
The 13th and final mission of the game begins with his teammates bitching about him being in the way before he's even given control of his character.
Reynolds: "You're in my spot."
Spoony: "You son of a bitch. What the fuck are you talking about?!"
Reynolds: "Get out of the way!"
Spoony: "What the fuck! I didn't even start this level yet!"
Reynolds: "Boss, you're in my way!"
Spoony: "What the fuck are you—This is the spawn point, you fucking ass-miner! I oughta shoot you in the eyes right now!"
It stays funny right until the very end, which is a Shout-Out to the post-credits phone calls from the Metal Gear series:
Spoony: "Until next time, President Carter... ... Y-yes, I love you too."
Especially amusing in light of his noted rivalry with TNA President, Dixie Carter.
"And according to the game, that wasn't a bad job for a non-sworn officer. Now, a real SWAT man would have charged in there with a taser gun and a whiffle bat and brought 'em all back alive."
If this is a Rage Monkey lab, I'm joining the terrorists. You know how far I'm willing to go to stop the Rage Monkeys (also a Call Back to Riff on Ripper).
That moment in Mission 7 where Spoony orders his Blue Team to stack up on a door, only to have one of the team members come out of the door to get in his position.
Spoony: He cleared the room, opened the door, then threw in the grenade and cleared the room twice.
Made even better when Spoony finds that the team member had discovered two suspects in that room, but left them unsecured after the first time in the room.
During the third mission of The Stetchkov Syndicate, Spoony finds a suspect hiding in the freezer. After detaining him, he then proceeds to verbally abuse him, tase him, lock him back in the freezer and then wedge the door shut.
Later on, he spends several minutes trying to hunt down a roaming gunman through the level, only to find him eventually in the kitchen. Spoony deduces he was trying to get his buddy out of the freezer.
During one mission, he sings a portion of Escape Club's "Wild Wild West".
Spoony: Yeah, you'll have that song stuck in your head for about a week. You're welcome!
After you've watched the whole series and become fully versed in the whole "You're in my way" Berserk Button, it's pretty funny to go back to Video 2, where it happens for the first time and Spoony's reaction could almost be called calm. From an acorn grows a great oak...
In episode 14, the return of the "You're in my way sir" shows that even through the passage of time it hasn't lessened since he instantly launches into a tirade as soon as it happens.
He is also back to his classic "YOU FOOLS!" response to getting flashbanged. Humorously, both of his teams manage to flashbang each other in the course of the episode.
His glee at someone else getting told they're in the way for once.
Receives a Brick Joke in the end credits, which says:
The new narcotic has been nicknamed "Fizzy Lifting Crack" because of its amazing euphoric and literal sensation of flight. Unfortunately, it has also proven quite fatal, since it does not also provide the euphoric sensation of landing.
Officers Reynolds and Girard are caught in a compromising position. Now they must go to America to be gay married and have hamburgers. The end credits say they are registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond and plan to wed next year in New Jersey.
Once again, "Moskau" is used alongside this video. However, this time, Spoony's commentary is still faintly audible in the background, leading to some pretty hilarious moments - arguably the best being his reaction to being blinded and killed in yet another flashbang fuckup.
About halfway through the vid, Spoony ends up getting shot dead once again - only for the rest of the team to successfully shout the offending enemy down, resulting in Spoony's killer kneeling over with his hands on his head... right on top of Spoony's corpse. Quite naturally, the caption dubs this "GAY THREESOME TACTIC."
"YOU ARE STANDING IN OUR WAY, COMRADE SPOONSKI."
At one point, an enemy runs past the SWAT team apparently without even noticing any of them (Spoony commenting "what the fuck, dude?!" and the subtitles commenting "A GAY! HE RUNS WHERE?") to let another enemy into the area - only for Spoony to automatically subdue them with a taser. The subtitles immediately proclaim, "THIS IS GLORIOUS VICTORY! NOW TO INTERROGATE WITH CAR BATTERYTO WET SCROTUM."
Spoony using c4 to blast a door open - managing to KO the enemy hiding behind it in the process. Quite apart from Spoony's gleeful laughter, the captions also provide "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, DOORS SLAM YOU."
In the subway station mission, Spoony takes time out of the start of the mission to comment on the fake movie posters at the entrance. Particularly ShaolinCyborgsvs.Ninja Pirates VII.
Spoony: [through surprised laughter] ...or that works too, I guess.
Spoony's perpetual iPhone jokes regarding the Wireless Access Console (WAC), claiming he has one, but not the much-coveted 'swirly blue thing' model:
Spoony: Aww man, even he has a phone with the swirly blue thing on it! I mean, come on! I was gonna wait until the 4G model comes out, and then I'll all the features I'll ever want! Oh! I hear next week they're losing exclusivity with Trans-net, so maybe when I get my 4G version of the phone I can get it with Verizon!
"My girlfriend has a "portable WAC" too, but she calls it something different."
Spoony: Hey man, if I'm not raiding her lost ark or going to her temple of poon then she ain't worth knowing...
The morning after the release of Fallout: New Vegas, Spoony livestreamed himself playing the game. There was some mild amusement over the fact that he managed (in true Dr. Insano fashion) to "science" his way out of every interpersonal conflict in the game. However, the real humor came during the "Wang Dang Atomic Tango" side quest when he recruited a sex robot — and got "Fisto".
He takes great delight in the fact that the game gives him the opportunity to fight Final Fantasy characters he hates, such as Squall, Wakka, Tidus...and Selphie ("Yes, I am fighting a girl whose weapon is a jump rope!") In fact he spends almost the first two hours of gameplay repeatedly fighting them all, even though (due to his lack of experience with the game) he initially keeps losing.
He was especially amused that the game allowed him to name the raft "Pussy Wagon".
When Aeris appears, he says "You're dead!" in a hilariously bored/outraged way—particularly funny if you've seen the Final Fantasy reviews where he parodies fans by tearing up over her death.
When he goes to Wonderland, cue the inevitable call backs to "Tandem's Last Ride"...
Spoony (about the Cheshire Cat): Please tell me I get to kill this motherfucker...
Spoony gets into a massive fight with the chat over whether or not abilities auto-equipped. Spoony believes staunchly that abilities do, in fact, auto-equip (unless there isn't any room for them) and proceeded to berate the members of his chat telling him they don't and bringing the topic up multiple times later.
The ultimate kicker in this scenario being that Spoony, despite his yelling and insistence to the contrary, was wrong. Abilities do not auto-equip in Kingdom Hearts. In fact, he actually manually equips the abilities, which makes one wonder how he didn't realize it wasn't automatic.
At one point (return to Traverse Town), he pauses the game for a good 5 minutes to ask the chat how this game works with FF continuities since Aerith is alive, Squall and FFVII characters interact, etc. After reading the chat for a few minutes, he got one unifying answer, "because throwing in FF characters is cool." Spoony just chuckles, and when asked if he's angry at that answer, he says he's not, just curious as to how they resolved said paradoxes.
On another occasion on LordKat's stream, Spoony mentioned that while at was at MAGFest 9, he ran into Stuttering Craig. While ScrewAttack and Channel Awesome don't necessarily have the best history, the two men managed to have an intelligent and civil conversation. Afterwards, Spoony breathed a sigh of relief and got on an elevator with LordKat:
Spoony: You'll never guess who I just ran into. StutteringCraig.
Stuttering Craig: [from back of elevator] Hi, Spoony.
After Craig got off the elevator, he said LordKat literally fell on the floor laughing.
Almost as funny was Spoony's confession that he was slightly worried, because he couldn't remember what tone of voice he'd used when he said Craig's name....
During his livestream of XCOM: Enemy Unknown, one line was enough that he put it into the review.
*Benzaie is killed by a Thin Man's lucky shot*
Spoony: Benzaie nooooooooo! Oh Benzaie...he died before he had a chance to surrender!
This review is packed with CMOF. "We will need a lot more hemp before we're through"; "purple cavemen"; "that's the fifth civilisation Yor's destroyed so far!"; and of course "the Most Awesome Thing Ever Filmed".
The review features Spoony, Spencer D. Bum, and Dr. Insano on the same couch. An impressive split screen effect that leads to much hilarity ensuing, including his self-proclaimed darkest joke ever involving the death of Brandon Lee.
Linkara's initial attempt to revive Spoony by hitting his remains with a hammer. And then we are informed what happened when he tried punching reality... Made even better by how nonchalant he is about it.
His commentary of the said video is interrupted by Bolo Yeung's on-screen appearance.
"...I got some kind of kick when I was checking out exploitation flicks, and things like that. I think the name of it just CHONG LI! CHONG LI! ...I have to shout it every time I see Bolo."
During said commentary, he ponders other cloning possibilities, one of them being cloning Eddie Van Halen three times, and having them play "Eruption" all at once, which would cause the universe to "explode from the awesomeness".
Also from the commentary, his comments that maybe Dr. Ngai anticipated his bronze men would somehow develop a reflexive suckling and chewing habit so he invented the vegetation-killing spray to destroy poisonous plants that could pose a threat to them, then admits he's likely putting way too much thought into it and giving the writers too much credit.
In the crossover review with The Nostalgia Critic and Linkara, a major gunfight is shown to be taking place entirely in the dark. The group wonder if most of the people involved were just passers-by. Doctor Insano makes a cameo during the gunfight- and is immediately shot down.
Insano: I brought SCIENCE! (is shot)
Spoony displays a hilarious level of immaturity. The Critic has been rendered mute via a stroke caused by how terrible the movie is, and so is using a text-to-speech program. Spoony hijacks this computer repeatedly to make him say:
I like to wear womens' clothing. I like to wear womens' clothing.
While the entire review is quite funny, Ed Glaser's cameo as a SWAT officer is particularly entertaining for those who have been following Spoony's SWAT 4Let's Plays.
Spoony's comments on the inexplicable nature of the conversations in this movie, going straight from weird nicknames to BAM (Big Ass Motherfuckers??) to Vietnam for absolutely no reason.
There is an entire scene with a briefing that didn't happen.
The Commander: Alright, men! You deploy at 0600. (beat) Any questions? Bloodfist: Uh... Who're you? The Commander: I'm afraid that's classified. Technically, I don't exist. ... I'm not here. ... We're not having this briefing. Bloodfist: We didn't have a briefing. The Commander: Good man. Bloodfist: No seriously. You just walked in here and said we were leaving at 0600. The Commander: No I didn't.
Spoony recreats the awesome musical score by tapping only one piano key over and over again while flexing with his other arm.
The Big Ass Motherfuckers repeatedly machine-gunning everything while screaming over and over in the movie in overly repetitive scenes as they fight the bad guys. Then a female hostage appears...and Spoony uses Manipulative Editing to make it look like their response to this is also machine-gunning her while screaming.
"The Funniest Thing Ever Recorded on Film" lives up to its name on its own. But it was rendered even funnier when it premiered during the Channel Awesome fundraiser drive (starting at 98:16), as the microphones were not cut during the video, and Reb Brown's overacting is accentuated by the assembled Channel Awesome team totally losing it. Not to mention after the video is over, and Spoony recreates the scene with Doug as the dying little boy.
It helps that the scene in question is the single most narmtastic thing ever devised by man.
"I've seen way too many fucking movies..."
"We'll need a lot more hemp before we're through."
"So, uh, what's your ETA? Over."
"For Stalin!" "For Disneyland!!"
"The guy does have one important thing working for him, and that's his balls. Wait, no, sorry, his balls are two things. Um, his movies are balls...have balls."
Spoony's mind boggling at how one of the characters seemingly knocks another one over just by doing a pelvic thrust.
"(Describing the boxart) There are thousands of people trying in vain to kill our beefy, bulging hero; his face is frozen in the eternal howl of rage and defiance as he shoots the biggest machine gun in the world with a grenade launcher mounted on what seems to be six rotating Gatling barrels which are all firing simultaneously. I can't even begin to tell you in how many ways this fucking gun is impossible."
The re-tooled montage at the end of the movie, where Ransom lays siege to an import-export office in Manila, and then blows up the Colonel. Complete with Crowning Music of Awesome.
Dr. Insano spoofing the "dramatic Lysol spraying" scene by sitting on the toilet taking a dump and then spraying two Air Wick cans with a dramatic sweeping motion with ominous music playing. And then ironing his labcoat followed by a dramatic iron sweep.
"This is the song written for the fight scene! He's got to find Christopher Lee! He tried to kill him with a forklift!"
Spoony [imitating the second film's villain, Miguel, played by Christopher Lee, ordering his henchman to give a pack of feral dogs a triple dose of a serum which ages people 38 years per minute]: "Dose them heavily, Mango; I want them old, arthritic, and useless when they attack Captain America. He'll never see it coming."
What convinces him that a room in the Hilton is worth watching such a crappy movie? Lars, the in-room personal ass-wiper. The awed expression on his face as he comes out of the bathroom is breathtaking.
Sage pulling out a list of shows and films the movie ripped off....which happens to be the size of a phone book.
"Oh and by the way, just because I do actually happen to have an ark in the backyard has nothing to do with the fact that my name is Noah, and when the polar ice caps finally melt, flood the earth, and destroy all life, I am not gonna let any of you dickweeds who made fun of me in!"
"Okay, he's dead! The Foley guy is running out of celery!"
Talking about how there were rumours of him being a Satanist for playing D&D, or being gay for participating in drama club. "I was a gay Satanist, I was just positively evil." (complete with flamboyant hand wave)
"And so, LARPing was born! Dignity died shortly thereafter."
When one of the characters in-movie says, "You have two questions." Spoony puts in his own, "Uh, what do Jack's tattoo's mean? Gah, that's stupid!"
"WARNING: the following clip will completely ruin your ability to enjoy any Tom Hanks movie you'll ever see again."
"That's not funny! Man, I've been there!" And, cue flashback to 2002 when Spoony blacked out playing FFVIII and woke up carrying a bloodstained gunblade.
"See, this is what happens when you let scientologists treat the mentally ill".
"Oh my god. People finding a healthy outlet for dealing with their real life problems? Those evil bastards should be round up and drowned in ammonia!"
"Oh sorry, I sort of lost interest in your boring-ass talking so I started playing some Bayonetta. Are there titties in this movie?"
This one is more Hilarious in Hindsight, but the part where Spoony says with disgust that there's nothing worse in a D&D group than two players who are dating is even funnier if you follow his campaign, which at one point is joined by Linkara and Iron Liz, who at the time were dating.
"Yeah, well, you know these damn kids with their hobbits and their rings of power. You think this game of Mazes and Monsters got out of hand? You should have seen it when third edition came out." [dramatic close-up of Spoony] "At nights, I can still smell the bodies in the streets..."
The Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf/Stirba: Werewolf Bitch
His getting more and more frustrated over the use of vampire tropes in Howling II.
The "Christopher Lee Audiobook Collection" segment.
"How do you make a sequel to a movie hoping the audience never saw the first one? [poster of Highlander II] Duh!"
His utter glee at managing to work once again the line "Can't we get beyond Thunderdome?" into a review.
His comparing the US title ("Your Sister Is A Werewolf") to the UK title ("Stirba: Werewolf Bitch.")
And right before that, as Anna begins her narration, Spoony almost reflexively shouting "OH FUCK YOU!" and then apologizing for it.
His reaction to Giovanni's haircut.
In the commentary Spoony mentions how Giovanni kept reminding him of someone but he couldn't put his finger on it, something which bugged him immensely. He finally discovered who when he posted the video and dozens of commenters all asked the same thing: "What is Albert Wesker doing in this movie?"
His entire reaction to the cover of "Princes of the Universe" — mouthing "What the fuck is this shit?!" as they start up and his rant afterwards, not to mention all of the simply priceless faces that he makes throughout.
Spoony:FREDDIE MERCURY IS SPINNING IN HIS FUCKING GRAVE RIGHT NOW! HIGHLANDER TWO NEVER REACHED THIS LEVEL OF ABJECT FUCKNESS!!!
According to the commentary, when Spoony and Miles first saw The Source, there were so many stupid moments that they had to pause the movie briefly several times in sheer disbelief. When they got to the cover, they stopped the movie and couldn't work up the nerve to go on for a whole hour.
He concludes his review of all the crappy Highlander sequels by "beheading" his Atari Jaguar with the Highlander game in it. With his gunblade. Sadly, no Quickening ensues, though he tries to get one to start.
During the final battle between Duncan and the Guardian, he plays "Yakety Sax" from The Benny Hill Show over the fight. And that's the extent of editing the footage... the final battle really is that stupid.
The scene where the hero blows up the members of WASP resulting in the This Is Spinal Tap clip where Spinal Tap talks about the drummer who spontaneously combusted during a performance.
Insano finding another way to get footage from Final Fantasy X-2 without playing it.
Insano's reaction to Paul using a laser to defeat the challenge YET AGAIN!
Insano: Well, go on. You'll never guess. Paul's shown so much innovation and creativity solving all the problems up to this point he's like freaking Macgyver. Guess how he does it? Go on. Guess! GUESS!
When Insano hears that the Big Bad is named Mestema, he says that it sounds like some kind of disease. This is immediately followed by a Fake Commercial for "X-Calbr8", Insano's miracle cream for curing Mestema, featuring cameos by Matt Briner, Guru Larry, and Sean Fausz.
Most, if not all of the constant Hulk jokes in this review are just classic.
"Could someone help Hulk out? Hulk brain hurts, and Reb Brown heavy..."
"I haven't been this uncomfortable watching a mentally handicapped person wrestle since Eugene in the WWE!"
"Great! Now we've got a brain-damaged, 300 pound bodybuilder who's also retard-strong and who hallucinates other people are Vietcong!"
Calling Lou's fights against two people a Handicap Match and getting booed for it.
Spoony noticing that the main villain is played by Joe Takagi from Die Hard and then noticing that another character Tiger Joe, is played by the terrorist that steals a candy bar, also from Die Hard. Then he theorizes that the Nakatomi crisis was an inside job.
The subsequent Die Hard jokes soon after, especially when Takagi gets his ribcage crushed by Lou.
When he sees that one of the opponents that Lou fights is Malibu (From American Gladiators, as well as the Warrior from the Dragonstrike VHS), he puts in post-match footage of Malibu being interviewed.
Malibu: I saw this guy coming...and I took the most excellent hit of my life...and I'm fine today!
His take on how deadpan the announcer sounds doing the commentary
His comments on the overuse of stock sounds and screams, including a man in the audience cheering with the YYYEEAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!! scream
On Reb's costume:
Spoony: *laughs* Oh come on! What did they do, buy the costume at Wal-Mart? He looks like a Spanish conquistador! Actually my first thought was that he kinda looks like Locklear from Betrayal At Krondor... Oh God... I just made a Betrayal At Krondor reference in Two-Thousand-and fucking-Eleven... I don't get out much...
Spoony: Only Reb Brown could bring us a story this deep and nuanced. It's just got so many layers; it's got historical parallels, conflicted loyalties, a sense of discovery, and it's tale about starcrossed lovers. It's about a marine sent to a far away land to help the government evict a native populace so they can exploit the area's natural resources, but after observing the native culture, he falls in love with his guide and becomes inspired by their noble sacrifices to maintain their way of life. At the end, he and his wisecracking pilot friend realise they've been fighting for the wrong side, join the rebellion and drive off the invaders after a climactic final battle. Only Gollun & Globus could come up with a movie so complex & visionary. I mean, where the hell else are you going to see a movie like this?
[Burton has been holding a copy of Avatar for the last part of Spoony's recap.]
WARNING: What follows is the manliest thing ever recorded on film. Your balls may drop off in shame at the mere knowledge that you will never in your entire life do something half this manly
Spoony: But eventually he comes out of the water and - Oh my God say this ISN'T HAPPENING!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!' *Cuts to Spoony throwing up into a sick bag*
Revenge of the House of Usher (The Spoony Snob)
"You know, somehow I doubt that Edgar Allan Poe wrote The Fall of the House of Usher as a sequel to Zombie 4"!
"That's right. In this movie, even the padding has padding." *cue Torgo music for an especially drawn-out scene* "DO SOMETHING!!"
When looking up the film on IMDB, a related result is...
Spoony Snob: Wait a minute... The Big Tits Dragon? Whaaat? A.K.A. The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Springs Zombies vs. Strippers 5? Oh thank God, it was made in 2010, that means I don't have to review it! Pfft, besides, I pretty much gave up on that series after The Big Tits Dragon: Hot Springs Zombies vs. Strippers2!
He talks about how the director is also known for Z-grade pornographic films like...
Spoony Snob:The Erotic Rites of Frankenstein, The Super-Witches of the Rio Amore, and Two Female Spies With Flowered Panties...which is oddly specific...and kind of intriguing.
Spoony Snob: It's not until 78 minutes in that we see something that might pass for a zombie...maybe...but it looks more like Weird Al with a hangover.
The commentary has the story of how both he and the Nostalgia Critic had the idea of having the Snob appear on their shows, and since Doug actually flew the Snob in to appear on camera with him, he had to concede that battle. So he made up his mind to just be incredibly pissed off at Doug for just the few days it would take him to rewrite his review, until Doug called up and apologized for basically nothing, which paradoxically just made Spoony even angrier for not being able to be angry at him anymore.
His thoughts on Maax's lair:
"You know you've really made it as a evil wizard when your stronghold has lots of windows that are also made of fire! Sure, the heating bill is outrageous, but dammit, I have a window made of fire!"
Insano: Ohhh don't you worry about why I need a Gaydar, you just go do your... thing with the movie, I'm just gonna go...
The stereotypical gay fashionisto helps the Big Bad find a new outfit. The payoff to Spoony's blatant temptation of fate is such that you could set your watch to:
Spoony: This character is the most blatant and offensive flaming gay French stereotype I've ever seen. (Smash cut to Benzaie dressed and dancing in a very Camp Gay fashion) Benzaie: Yo~ my name's Benzaie~! Spoony: (recoiling) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (Benzaie dances while Spoony whimpers in agony) Spoony: (whimpering) NEVER! WE'RE NEVER SHOWING THAT CLIP AGAIN! NEVER!
During the episode commentary, when that scene comes up, Spoony mentions how Benzaie once got quite offended over being called "gay" on Twitter asking "Why would you think THAT?" The first reply he got was a link to THAT scene. Benzaie could only reply "Oh."
"Shit, attacking eagles?! RUN! GRAB A COATHANGER! DAR STARTED THE BIRDEMIC!"
Finally flipping out about all the pop culture references:
Spoony: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I GET IT! YOU'RE FROM THE 90S! IF I WAS PLAYING A DRINKING GAME, I'D BE IN A FUCKING COMA BY NOW! 90s KID IS WRITTEN WITH MORE SUBTLETY THAN YOU! 90s Kid: (scoff) Dude! Harsh![Exit]
At the beginning, with him talking about the trend of movies which took a hero from a faraway land/galaxy and put them in modern-day Earth
Spoony getting a brain aneurysm during the review after seeing the protagonist's soul getting abducted by a goose.
Spoony (voiceover): Meanwhile, the king's forces are regrouping and planning their attack on the escaped slaves... Well, at least I think that's what they're doing, I can't really tell because every other word they're saying is made-up baby talk.
Character: It is most defective to place a duraga roll at gabujuju. You should destroy the meitomies with the war beast Armikor.
Spoony: But if you use to duraga rolls at gabujuju, won't the niixaflucks flank you at nixafluckachuckafuck?
In the commentary, Spoony says that he managed to deliver that line flawlessly on his first try, only for the shot to be ruined by the onlookers all bursting into laughter.
The evil sorcerer Salatin, as phase 1 of his plan to corrupt one of the two magician brothers, tells Ulric in a booming telepathic voice, "Go to the whore! Ulric! GO TO THE WHORE!" and later instructs him to fornicate with her (Ulric promptly kills her instead). Spoony is flabbergasted. "That voice is real? Other people hear it too?!" Not long after, he's on the phone with his lawyer saying he should never have accepted that insanity plea.
On Twitter, a flabbergasted Spoony noted that the thing most people were concerned about was that the scene showed him smoking & not the implication that Spoony kills prostitutes because voices tell him tonote For the record, it was a stage cigarette filled with talcum powder (you blow in it instead of sucking, this resembles smoke); Spoony was making comments about such a thing on Twitter some time ago.
Spoony's reaction to Michael asking the King if he would be allowed to resurrect his brother Ulric and the princess's subsequent disappointed reaction.
The entire ending fight scene, even without the commentary
"Screw magic, I'm just gonna kick your ass!"
"I'll HARM YOU
Spoony wondering why Ulric suddenly attacks an African American who shoves him while walking down the street. Cue memetic SWAT4 line.
"Well. That's just great! Now we're at war with Australia. You know, Australia - I didn't want this, but you guys! You're outta control. Don't wave your dick at an Aussie, he'll blow your goddamn head off, I suppose! Seriously! What's the hell's the deal with Australia anyway?! Not even the British understand you! Just... look at this! Australian rules football? I mean what the fuck is that? And the platypus? I've gotten less bizarre shit hitting the randomiser button generating a character in Champions Online! I hope this movie turns into a Reb Brown revenge flick where he personally kills Paul Hogan with a grenade launcher. Do ya wanna get nuts, Australia?! Because I can get nuts! Yahoo Serious just made the list! Do you see what happens when you fuck with me!? ....... What the hell was I talking about?!"
His reaction to Heihachi's spiel about how lions throw their cubs over cliffs.
Heihachi: Lions push their cubs over a cliff and raise only the one that climb back up!
Spoony: No, no they don't. You see, I researched it, and lions are extremely protective of their young and would never hurl them off a cliff! So basically the instigating event that set into motion the plot of the movie and every single Tekken game is complete bullshit!
Heihachi: If you're truly my son then you'll be able to climb back up.
[Hurls Kazuya off the cliff]
Spoony: You think he'd double check that little factoid before throwing his son off a cliff. I'll bet he went home after and checked online "Aw, son of a—! Well now I just feel silly..."
The scene with the invitation card.
Jun: What is this?
Spoony: It's fucking spelled wrong, is what it is! Well Come? It's the biggest multinational defence contractor in history but their graphic design department needs help!
"Yeah, for a cop I have a really bad habit of assaulting unarmed women from behind." Spoony giving off this line after Lei randomly attacks Jun from behind before introducing himself.
"OK, so now this movie has dinosaurs with cloaking devices".
The scene where Michelle Chang (Who Spoony accidentally refers to as Julia) lobs an axe at Heihachi only for him to catch the weapon in his mouth and bite it into pieces: "Somebody actually wrote in the screenplay, 'Julia throws a tomahawk at Heihachi, who catches it in his mouth, and eats it.'"
Doctor Boskonovitch introducing Roger to Lei and Jack: "We manipulated a kangaroo's embryonic DNA..." Spoony's reaction: "WHY?!?!?" What makes it great is that he just plays that one word over the footage and then lets it continue.
Lee's Large Ham line "I'LL NEVER GIVE IT UP, NOT TO ANYONE, WAAAARGH!" which, needless to say, Spoony uses as a Running Gag in several future reviews.
His short montage of doing various things Heihachi's rambling dialogue near the end, culminating with -
Heihachi: My Tekken will create the destruction of the devil, and the renewal of the gods!
Spoony: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SENTENCE MEANS!
Referring to Lee Chaolan as "Maximillian Pegasus" complete with Abridged Series dialogue thanks to Lee's rather middle-aged design in this movie...and later realizing..."Hey that's not Pegasus, I know who that is! It's Miles Edgeworth! *OBJECTION!*"
Spoony's confusion to Kazuya telling Nina to warn Heihachi that he "should clean his neck while he's waiting for [him]". note Its a cultural thing, a flowery way of telling someone to prepare for death.
Spoony as Kazuya: And let my father know, he should wash behind his ears, too.
During a fight scene where Rugal Bernstein (played by Ray Park) fights Kyo.
Spoony: It was inevitable that Ray Park was going to get a quarterstaff in this movie, wasn't it? *Cue Duel of the Fates*
He's so upset about Terry Bogard's characterization that he keeps playing sound clips from various Fatal Fury and KOF games over his dialogue (Up to and including "MAXIMUM ATTACK!" from Wild Ambition.)
His remark on Kyo being a halfbreed.
Yeah, half white and the other half white.
The "computer nerd" spends an ice age typing, in order to bring up an animation. "I made this with typing!"
There's a scene where Rugal's trying to find the right weapon to fight Kyo with, with Spoony doing the same thing. ::a foam hammer appears:: Too Donkey Kong! ::he pulls out a gunblade. Too Final Fantasy! ::the Dizzy Gilespie figure appears in his hands:: Too jazzy!
The movie provides the most gratuitous ass-shot in the history of the world, which causes the Ass Shot meter to rise beyond recordable levels, outputting 'numbers' such as "ERROR," "OBEY INSANO," and other random numbers, finally exploding. All with Spoony laughing in the background. "Oh jesus, heheh."
Film Brain's cameo results in him being maimed by Spoony's rabid fanbase... with who assault his home with a battering ram and grenades.
There is an unexpected cameo from Bandit Keith, who takes offense at Tina Armstrong being referred to as a bimbo... because she's American.
The amazing free-throw an off-screen DOA employee makes with a DOA invitation shuriken that manages to successfully land on Christie's motorbike perfectly without missing or hitting Christie herself. And Christie smirking at this. Cue Spoony imagining said shuriken hitting Christie instead. *SPLAT!*
Splicing in Lee Chaolan's "I'LL NEVER GIVE IT UP!!" line after Donovan sets his island to self-destruct.
Spoony's bafflement at Donovan's plan to...download combat data from various fighters and their styles into a pair of sunglasses allowing the wearer to become a master martial artist. Spoony manages to point out how one could easily carry out that scheme without making it an evil plan.
The subsequent scene of Donovan's plan failing miserably thanks to Weatherby literally warning the CIA who immediately go for it. Spoony's incredulity at how they would immediately believe an email detailing such a plot.
How does Spoony compare the mostly stoic and grim movie Kasumi to her video game counterpart? By showing Kasumi's DOA 4 ending. The one where she's a mermaid singing a pop song about love and happiness. Yep.
"It's like a fucking alien wrote this movie! ...Or Benzaie. Same thing, really."
The magician from the movie shows up in Spoony's room and using the same magic he turns a condom into a balloon animal, makes tortillas and beer appear out of thin air, and puts two Oreo cookies into his hat and takes Oreo the puppy out of it.
This gets better with its place in Noah's video on his favorite jokes of 2011. He notes that he has no idea why he felt the need to give an origin story for Oreo on his show, when he already made a whole video about her.
Look closely in the background and you can see Oreo standing there watching him for some of this routine. Spoony admitted this was a mistake on Twitter, but since the entire point of this sequence was how unimpressive the "magic" was, it actually makes it even funnier.
His anger with the annoying pervert that turns EVERY line into a Double Entendre, shocked that there exists a character more one-dimensional than Glenn Quagmire.
He's also very upset that this is one of the few characters who survives the movie.
While watching a scene where a nurse is trying to seduce the killer by acting like a mother to her child, a cop (played by his brother) busts in and starts beating him for watching kiddie porn.
Miles: [while beating Spoony with his baton]STOP RESISTING! STOP RESISTING!
Spoony announces a drinking game, based on a comment from the director that this will be a movie for everyone rather than just fans: every time Spoony sees something you need to be a fan to understand, he'll take a shot. Cue the first few seconds of the movie, Xiaoyu dashing through the streets riding on a panda. Spoony chugs the bottle.
Spoony comparing Oreo and the in-movie panda: "You can't just introduce a character in your movie riding a panda to school and not explain that shit! I established my fucking dog in storyline and I do internet reviews!"
Miles' weary reaction to be dragged into one of Spoony's reviews to be talked at in an extremely odd fashion to Lampshade similar language in the movie- "Get a job".
The whole time, Spoony is holding Oreo and petting her like he's a Bond villain.
The constant digs at Shin's Wangst-iness, complete with snipits of Linkin Park's "Crawling in My Skin" playing in the background whenever he's on screen.
Spoony acting like the Heihachi vs Jin vs Kazuya fight is a demented anime wrestling match, with him commentating in a Jim Ross impression.
Announcer!Spoony: And Kazuya punches Jin completely across the room, STRAIGHT INTO A GERMAN SUPLEX! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! Jin with a Booker T Axe Kick through the floor! But wait, Heihachi catches him and delivers a sit up Power Bomb through the surface of the Earth! Slobber-Knocker, King! Pier Six Brawl!
His running gag of shouting out the movie's title in one of the, many, extended scenes dedicated to Alisa and Xiaoyunote Well one's a robot, but that's not really important right now talking about their crushes, coming up with silly names for their attacks, generally gossiping, etc etc...
Spoony: Tekken: BLOOOOOOD VENGEANCE!
Spoony's baffled reaction at the fans of the game hating Tekken 2010 despite it having a lot of fighting and being at worst So Okay, It's Average.
The end of the review:
Spoony: "Fucking Panda, where did they come up with this shit?!"
"We're in a high speed Panda chase. (Rockets pop out of Alisa's back to propel the Panda even faster). And now we've got a hypersonic flying rocket panda in this movie. Oh my god, we've just completely jumped the rails haven't we."
Spoony comparing his reaction to the news of a new Reb Brown movie to Michael Sheen's Squee in Breaking Dawn: Part 2, particularly after Spoony applauded him and fawned over how Ham and Cheese he was in that scene in his v-log review.
Spoony: Oh my god... The Scooby-Doo gang would pity these fools!
Spoony: (after the group splits up a third time) Oh, you've got to me fucki—- Are you out of your minds splitting up again for the third time in the movie?! I've never even heard of something like that! This is like sitting on top of a tree in a thunderstorm, holding a metal ladder over your head, screaming at the sky "COME ON, GOD! DO IT! I DARE YOU, YOU FUCKING PUSSY!"
Spoony: (after the group splits up for the fourth time) BlephtAGAIN! Four times! You're splitting up FOUR TIMES in the same movie! This is unbelievable! This has to be, like, a world record! This is like hitting on 18 in Blackjack FOUR TIMES! You know what? I hope they live. I hope they all live. I hope they find Bigfoot, they circle around him and catch him in this deadly crossfire and just kill the fucker, and go back to town to have Denny's afterwards. It'll be revolutionary.
Spoony's reaction of absolute HORROR and bewilderment when the "love interest" straight-up neck-snapsReb Brown to death.
In the follow-up video he mocks the movie's aforementioned "Twist Ending" of revealing Reb to be a Decoy Protagonistright at the end and seguing into something unrelated for the last few minutes—at the end of the review, Spoony explodes into flames and is promptly replaced by Bayou Billy.
Spoony impersonates Linkara for this, similar to his Snob impersonation for a prior April Fool's day. He even takes special care to pronounce "Room" as "Rum", a quirk of Linkara's Minnesotan accent.
He also plays with it by presenting Linkara as fan of Star Wars and not interested in Doctor Who or Star Trek (in reality of course it's the other way around) and then subverts that with a subtle piece of Hypocritical Humour - it keeps cutting to him using an Original Series Star Trek phaser as a prop.
The typical At4W theme song is altered to lampshade the impersonation:
Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall
Where bad comics burn.
Linkara's gonna teach you all
A lesson you won't learn.
Seriously, that's Linkara,
Don't you think I'd notice if it wasn't Linkara?
I'm the dude who wrote two songs about Linkara,
I think I know what he looks like!
He's a man! Look! He even wears a hat!
It's not like Spoony gave me 50 bucks to write this crap!
Blue! Robot! Who else owns one of those?
You thought it was Spoony but you're not even close, it's LINKARAAAAAAAAAAA!
Noting the fact that Obi-Wan always refers to "The Force" in the text and saying he can practically hear the air quotes.
His increasing horror at the multiple Ship Tease moments between Luke and Leia, suggesting Lucas didn't really have their plotlines fully planned out when he handed in his script to Marvel...
He eventually ends the review after seeing a panel of Chewbacca hitting on two female aliens at a bar:
Woah! Did Chewbacca just hook up a threesome? Did Marvel Comics just invent Wookiee Porn? The internet didn't even exist yet! How does Rule34 still apply? Ugh... I need a shower. Marvel Comics, you're full of perverts! (throws comic down)
The gag about the "Five Fire Rings of Fornax" becomes a bit more hilarious with knowledge that, decades after the comics were written, "Fornax" is an in-universe adult magazine in the Mass Effect universe.note For what it's worth, Fornax is a real constellation, being Latin for "The Furnace", which both the comic and Mass Effect were independently referencing.
The song in the end credits is taken from Star Wars Kinect.
Spoony's bewilderment at still being mostly unable to find Frank Stallone in a Frank Stallone movie.
The recreation of Mike's absurdly drawn out death, as Dr. Insano finally gets completely fed up with Spoony's refusal to stay down.
Linkara and Brad Jones reading porn titles. Linkara (who gets censored) critiques the spelling of the more punny titles and seems amazed at what is apparently the twenty-fifth sequel to a porno, while Brad more than once comments "I actually own that one." and seems worried that one of the titles is yet another E.T. porno.
He theorizes that another actor's character being named Reb in Last Flight to Hell was actually Reb getting hopelessly confused at having to answer to another name, hence his being The Danza here.
In the beginning, Reb grabs a pistol and blows up a car with one shot, and another biker gives out a mildly unimpressed "Hmph!" Cue Spoony cutting to the guy going "Hmph!" every time Reb blows something else up. Nothing impresses that guy!
Ultima 0 - Akalabeth
Akalabeth: World of Doom
Asking "Mr. Demon" if he's seen the "Doom", and then finding a sign with "Doom" spelled on it pointing to the cave gets a little chuckle out of me.
Calling the number that shows up at the end of the game to "tell of his great deeds"... and we're shown that at the other end of the line there's a dusty skeleton. Several dusty skeletons, in fact.
Landing on the island from and finding a bunch of weapons, then he finds the Triforce, does the Zelda Item Get pose, complete with the DO DO DO DOOOOO! sting, then stares at it incredulously and wonders what he's supposed to do with a triangle and then tosses it aside for a weapon he can really use... a Gunblade.
His Fridge Logic over the fact that, in this fantasy setting, there are shops that sell space shuttles. Cut to Spoony as an apprentice blacksmith fixing the re-entry tiles on the Challenger.
"Man, this Mondain guy! Everything he ever touches is something that threatens all life on the planet. Even his skull can be used to just casually wipe out all life in the world! I even bet when this guy just takes a crap, it all just comes out in one big, long, black, steaming, life-eradicating log of evil." (shows the ending of Time Bandits)
Chuckles forces Spoony to play The Game. Every time he's hit with the rubber chicken he loses it.
Spoony's rant when the Avatar gets poisoned and runs up to Lord British to get healed only to find him asleep with no way to wake him up:
Spoony: LB! Hey! C'mon! It's me, the Avatar! I've got rapid onset Black Death from the rats in your goddamn sewer! I'm DYING you fool! Don't you care? DON'T YOU EVEN CARE? What is with this guy? Douchebag could sleep through a nuclear bomb! Well, he won't wake up till morning, so I had no choice. I just had to wander off and eventually die horribly of disease sitting on Lord British's freaking throne. Maybe when he wakes up he'll notice I filled his fucking chair with my own evacuated bowels when I finally died a horrible, clenching oozing death of the fucking Motaba virus! Shithead.
And his examination of the throne room the Guardian's followers have built:
Spoony: Why, to welcome their conquering God, they've even constructed a massive, imposing throne in the... surprisingly small room barely big enough to hold it, with human-sized doors and a sweeping view of a blank stone wall and a couple of barred windows.
Baron Almric: Whether thou speak truth or falsehood, I cannot say!
Spoony: What, seriously? You don't know who I am? The motherfucker who saved the world no less than six times already!
Baron Almric: Stories tell of the coming of the Avatar, but years have past since he visited here.
Spoony: I am literally the Christ figure of your fucking religion! There are museums dedicated to my great feats stretching through hundreds of years of your recorded history! I should be the most recognizable bastard on the face of this planet, and this cock hydrant doesn't know who I am? None of you guys know who I am? Read a book people! I know humility is one of the eight virtues, but I'm the goddamn Avatar! Hello?!
The amount of bad voice acting in the game not going unnoticed by Spoony, such as the ridiculously hammy ghost of Garamon/a horrible voice actor ("Treachery and DOOM!!"), the Baron's daughter being kidnapped by Tyball's agents/a bad voice actor and the Avatar being banished to the Abyss by overly smarmy-like voice of Baron Almric/Baron Horrible Von Voice Actor. ("My mind is set! Colwyn shall take thee to the Abyss!")
Spoony: Now, me on the other hand? I fight like a dirty bastard.
The after the credit's gag, where Spoony is hit with a chair held by the Headless, and promises "One day I'm gonna get that filthy animal." before "The End" appears is funnier if you've seen The Cinema Snob's review of The Geek, which Spoony borrowed the line (and abrupt ending) from.
Spoony's interpretation of what must have happened after the destruction of the Black Gate, since it seemingly took 18 months for the Britanians to search Batlin's stuff.
Mere seconds after the Black Gate has been destroyed
The Goddamn Avatar: Okay. Well, that's done. I'm on vacation! Wooooooo!
The Goddamn Avatar throws his sword to the ground, and puts on a Sombrero
Off-screen Party Member: Shouldn't we look for the wizard who built the Black Gate incase he tries to build another one?
The Goddamn Avatar:[picks up a bottle of tequila] Eh, eventually. Hey, who's coming to Buckaneer's Den? If we hurry, we can still catch Happy Hour. I'm driving, chicks dig the Magic Carpet! Wooooooo!
The best part? Spoony used a green screen to actually insert himself into the cutscene of the Black Gate's destruction.
The second best being the offscreen party member sounding like Eric Idle.
A subtle one, he talks about a funny glitch where two city guards get stuck on each other and get in a never ending argument about getting out of each other's way. Spoony then plays audio clips from SWAT 4 of the infamous "you're in my way, sir" gag, making him giggle and comment that he keeps waiting for them to get into a fist fight. The really funny part? If you watch the game, you'll see the Avatar and his companions start killing the guards to end the gag. It's one of those "whoa, wait, rewind that" funny moments.
Spoony's mini-rant about how the game requires you to equip several specific pieces of equipment, and that it's very possible to lose one of the items in your inventory, because it's a small ring that's barely visible on the screen, before noting that this is the exact reason he never finished the game before, because he Rage Quit after he couldn't find the item. He then caps it off by noting that he should have continued playing, as a glitch in the game that means that when it checks you're using the required equipment, it checks everything except one thing - Naturally, the ring.
Accompanying this is a sketch which has Avatar Spoony suiting up with frog-armor, until he realizes he doesn't have the ring. He searches in vain for the ring in his bags and pulls up various random objects, which includes (but not limited to) a pair of heart-printed underwear, a woman's bra, a Bible Black DVD, a Final Fantasy action figure, various beef jerky packages and finally a Fleshlightand lube before he finally loses it.
The Digging Yourself Deeper joke at the beginning about trying to convince his mother that RPGs aren't evil, which ends with him in a padded cell with satanic symbols scrawled all over his face.
Spoony: No mum, role-playing games aren't Satani-WOAH! [Smash Cut to Ultima VIII's boxart, a giant flaming pentagram]
The Guardian gloats that, by exiling the Avatar to the world of Pagan, he is dooming him to a place where no-one knows his name or his exploits in saving Britannia. Spoony immediately responds with "Like that's anything new!" and does a Call Back to his Dude, Where's My Respect? complaints from Ultima Underworld.
Spoony showing a somber black and white clip of the Avatar hacking away at children with an axe while a list of the Eight Virtues scrolls by - with "Murdering small children with a battle axe and searching their bodies for loot" added as a ninth "virtue".
Simply reading the tweets he made regarding making the Ultima IX review is enough to get a laugh. Gems includes:
"Oh god...I've been pulling 8-12 hour shifts of Ultima IX for like, 4 days now. I can't even remember sunlight...or happiness..."
"Ultima 9 is looking to be at least a 2-parter. This game is the biggest iceberg of frozen shit I've ever played in my life."
After mostly remaining calm as he spends the first eight minutes explaining the background story of Ultima IX and all the problems and Executive Meddling it had during development, he ends the intro by starting to scream, finishing off with "We're about to jump balls-deep into it, so, get ready motherfuckers, it's gonna get loud!"
The "Betrayal Counter", made better in that the "Betrayal" is stylized like the "OBJECTION" from Ace Attorney and that it uses sound clips from the infamous "Betrayal" video.
When Spoony critiques the Avatar's massive downgrade in stats, the counter goes off four times in a row, while Spoony continues narrating.
"What's a paladin?" While it's common for reviewers to play stupid scenes two or three times, Spoony has to play what he calls "the worst line in the entire game" eight times before he launches into a tirade how it alone made him stop playing the game for weeks when he first heard it and explaining how it represents a giant middle finger to all Ultima fans.
And on a related note, Spoony's full-throated shriek of anguish and subsequent enraged gibbering on hearing the Avatar ask what the Codex of Ultimate Wisdom is. "This is like the Pope asking what the fucking Bible is!"
"Yes, a maid has to explain to The Avatar why it's good to eat food. THE AVATAR IS TOO STUPIDTO EAT."
When dealing with the tide of inconsistent accents, Spoony dares the game to get offensive, "Michael Bay this bitch up." And then he gets hit by the Gayvatar.
...this game has touched me, and I can never show you where.
Hell, ANY time he repeats a line to show how stupid the game is.
"Wait, what the fuck? There's a pirate in the park, too? What's with this guy? He just sees me in the park and brandishes a fucking cutlass at me? Great, I just murdered a man in a public park. Now I get to tell the cops that I'm the fucking Avatar, and I'm on serious Avatar busine- giant spiders, too?!
The opening scene. The Avatar enters a tower by an elevator, and within, there's a man floating in the air and flipping his arms around impossibly like pinwheels, while weird squawking and gasping noises issue forth. Spoony has a priceless look of blank, uncomprehending terror on his face before shrieking in agony.
The fact that Spoony created an entirely new opening just for this video.
Spoony Vs. Giant Enemy Crab and his increasing annoyance, starting with things like
Fuck, dude, I gotta get more water type Pokémon. Apparently these bastards are indestructible.
I've got new respect for those guys on Deadliest Catch. Jeez, crab meat should cost like $10,000 a pound!
And eventually progressing to
"Come on, you crotchsmoker, DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!"
Upon hearing this:
Shamino: When [the columns] first came out of the ground, I felt that there was something very sinister about them so I undertook a spiritual quest to learn more.
Spoony: Really! No shit! You had to go to the ethereal plane to piece that one together, didja. Good job! I-I-I dunno, I mean, I guess I can see why someone might think the giant, lava-spewing columns were put together by the Care Bears to emit cotton candy and friendship!
The part where everyone seemed to float in mid-air. Complete with "I Believe I Can Fly" in the background.
When Spoony points out an annoying quest, he asks the viewers what kind of reward they would put for the aforementioned quest:
Spoony: Let's just say that you're the designer of Ultima IX... and I haven't killed you yet.
Before the review even starts, Spoony interrupts the brand new intro to declare "FUCK THIS GAME!"
A unique reaction to yet another glitch:
Oh fuck, now he's done something worse than kill me! I can't move! I can't walk, I CAN'T MOVE! Raven, help me, I forgot how to walk! My legs don't work.... aaaand the game is completely hung. (Error message pops up) And there we have it.
Wearing metal armor inside an active volcano:
Spoony: Do you have any idea what it smells like in there? It'd just be this visible funk, this haze you could see that smells of sulphur, swampass, sweaty balls, and feet...
That review itself has actually been recommended by Yahtzee himself once in an interview when he noted Spoony as one of his personal favorite reviewers.
Hilarious as his Final Fantasy VIII review his review of Final Fantasy VII was even better. Its funniest moment was the male otaku cosplaying Sailor Moon.
The censored version (on Youtube) is even funnier than the uncensored version, because some of the stuff in the porn montage is bleeped out, leaving you guessing...
"I even found one of * BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* Quistis * BLEEP* ing herself and * BLEEP* ing her own three-foot * BLEEEEEEP* , while ch* BLEEP* with her whip, sticking the handle in her * BLEEP* and jamming a vibrator in her own * BLEEP* . Talk about multitasking... You know I'm boring when the most creative I get is using my left hand. This isn't even physically possible! Her * BLEEP* would drag the ground! No amount of duct tape could conceal this!"
"BOOBS DO NOT WORK THIS WAY! They should not account for 60% of a woman's mass!"
His comments on the crossdressing part in Wall Market are utterly hilarious as well.
His review of the Hells Kitchen game, where he cranks the Narm Charm to the max as he demonstrates he's finding playing Iron Chef with the various dolls and action figures in his room more enjoyable than playing the game. And of course, his Chef Ramsay impression, and "their" expressions at the graphic of Ramsay in the game.
Spoony: "It looks like you, but all waxy and deflated and weird." Ramsay: "It looks like me if I were thirty pounds overweight and made out of fucking Play-Doh!"
The confused look on Spoony's face when Michael Dorn/Worf mentions a Beta Quadrant species that mates with itself.
When talking about how Klingons treat trading as a battle:
Your Big Mac is 99 cents. *gets into fighting stance and imitates Amok Time fighting music*
In the opening brawl, one shouted phrase is subtitled as "Garbage Day!"
After getting past a difficult part in his Dirty Harry review, he goes insane after finding out he's actually gone back to the start of the level again. "I HAVE MY RIGHTS, I HAVE MY RIGHTS!!! IT WAS CALLAHAN, THE BIG ONE, HE DID THIS TO ME!!! AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
In the same review, he had to get past a man by finding a guy who looks like a pimp and jumping up and down in front of him, prompting the guy to switch clothes with him.
"Okay, seriously, how would you ever figure that out on your own? Is it just me? Were you watching me play this game and thinking "no, you idiot, you need a white suit! Go find a pimp and jump up and down in front of him and he'll give you a white suit, ya fucking moron!""
During the The X-Files: Resist or Serve review, Spoony uses his action figures to make a better acted cutscene than the ones in the game. This includes Neo getting molested by Big Daddy's drill, giant Dizzy Gillespie tooting off Green Lantern and a caption "NEEDS GIRLFRIEND BADLY".
His Go Mad from the Revelation moment at the start of Make My Video: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch when he becomes convinced that the kid protagonist and his sister are Skrull clones of himself and his sister.
Spoony channeling his inner Homer Simpson when he realizes just exactly what goes on at the music factory after hours.reference See the Simpsons episode "Homer's Phobia"
Dr. Insano (at the end of Spoony's review of Street Fighter 2010): "What in the name of Schrodinger's Pussy are you?"
I got a giggle when he talked to his cute son: (cheery) "You mean you want to HELP me take over the world?"
Also, this part:
Game Opening Crawl: "Every frontier world the killer visited because quickly infested with Troy and Ken's remarkable cyboplasm. In small doses, it can give people the extra strength they need to remain alive. In large doses, it comes alive and takes over the body and mind of its host, turning them into violent, mindless supermen or, in some cases, superaliens."
Spoony: "Cyboplasm is a lot like Red Bull."
"You turned my partner Troy into jelly! I will have you destroyed for this! He was mine to toy with and destroy as I pleased in a humorous fashion! Nobody outdoes Doctor Insano, do you hear?! NOBODY!"
The review of the audio CDs are still very funny, especially his comments on Agent Snake's dickish behavior and Metal Gear references.
When it turns out that the evil vampire is named Vitus Hemos, Spoony immediately starts mocking the Steven Ulysses Perhero aspect by saying the only way it could be more obvious is if he were named Dr. Acula.
Followed by claiming that his parents named him Jimmy O'Buttocks because they really wanted him to be a proctologist.
Spoony's Pumpkinhead's Revenge review. That is all.
"Three fuckin' dollars, and I still feel dirty and cheated. Like I paid to have sex with a monkey. A dude monkey."
"I didn't know anything about this game, so that meant I had to do research on it... and by 'research' I mean 'I checked Wikipedia', but, guess how much I found! NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING! [...] There are no walkthroughs, no hints, no details, nothing! All I was able to find was a short text review someone had written, a brief video capture on Youtube, and a few sites that have the blurb from the back of the box. I even checked the software developer's website, and all it had was a few 60-pixel-wide screenshots! I just wanted to find some instructions so I could find out how to fucking play it, or at least figure out what I had to do, but no! I had to pick the game that time forgot! I just... I can't believe it. The entire Internet culture, in all its futility and splendor, well-known for its bottomless stupidity and yet tireless patience in completing the shittiest, most painful games with the most insane self-imposed handicaps, had turned its back on Pumpkinhead's Revenge."
"You have no idea what I had to go through to find a copy of this game with the box and the instructions still intact. This game is rarer than the Holy Grail... for, like, the Antichrist!"
The guest commentary when Spoony finally breaks down totally and can only shriek "PUMPKINHEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" at the top of his lungs.
Spoony pointing out the "dancing" people in the background in the Privateer 2: The Darkening review. And his realization that telling the viewers about a crappy game and a crappy movie made by the same company was a bad idea.
Spoony proving how bad the enemy A.I. is by leaving his ship stationary and letting them attack him. "And you know how long it took him [to destroy his ship]? Neither do I, because he COULDN'T. FUCKING. DO IT! Congratulations, guys! Your enemy AI is less effective than the fucking UFO in Asteroids!"
His reaction to receiving emails in battle.
While Spoony narrates about the general premise of the game, a few random FMV clips are shown, one of which shows Clive Owen blowing up a door and then promptly getting a face full of shrapnel.
Caption: "AAH! Shit!"
During the commentary for the episode, Spoony interrupts his own monologue about his experiences with the X3 series to verbally shake his head at BRIAN BLESSED's performance.
During his review of the Deadliest Warrior video game, when Sean Fausz's spartan kills Spoony's pirate in ONE FREAKING SHOT.
Spoony: This is gonna be sweet cause I've been meaning to teach Sean a lesson for a while now! GET YOU SOME, ASSHO...[HEADSHOT]...uh...wha...FUCKING BULLSHIT!
The very beginning, where you're expecting the theme song and instead get "This game is fucking retarded!"
His follow-up to his review of Deadliest Warrior the game has him shooting down most of the feedback he got from supporters of the game who were under the impression that he only played one match and based his review of that. (He actually played for about 5 hours). The most memorable part was his reaction when one supporter claims that 'You do not auto-turn in a real life fight'.
The review starts off with Spoony incredulously staring at the camera and exclaiming "There's a Highlander video game! Did you even know that!?"
On a character of the Highlander animated series that looks an awful lot like a blackface minstrel: "This has to be the most racist thing I have ever seen in animation since [picture of Skids and Mudflap] Ok, never mind."
Dr. Insano successfully getting an Atari Jaguar CD to work after much frustration.
Dr. Insano: This abomination is a piece of crap! I got it to work, barely, but the thing about the Jaguar CD is that, not only is it prone to hardware failures, it's prone to about five different ways it can fail. It can fail if the CD device isn't perfectly set on the machine, it can fail if the contacts aren't clean, it can fail if the Memory Track cart isn't perfectly set, and it can easily fail because the laser itself or the motor mechanism are defective — and they often are — and, in this case, it would often fail because the lid is so poorly designed that, when closed, it actually closes too tightly and mashes the CD against the inside of the drive preventing it from spinning, and that can easily cause additional internal damage. And of course the video quality is shit! The only output option on the Jaguar is this stupid RF antenna switchbox which produces this horrible warbly signal, and this in an age when even the Super Nintendo had RCA cables! And even when I did get it to work, the Jaguar still froze all the time and I do mean ALL THE DAMN TIME! I mean...why is there a ten-digit keypad on the controllers?! Why are there handles on the cartridges?! I've never worked so hard to get something this broken to function! I could be playing "House" right now!!
Spoony mocks the game's disorienting, constantly switching camera angles with a brief scene where he comes out of the bathroom only to constantly throw himself against the walls because the camera angle changes with every few steps he takes.
The end of the review has Dr Insano mention that there was another Highlander video game, which was based on the films. Spoony asks if that was any good, and Insano replies that it wasn't, before mentioning the Highlander game which has a trailer on the DVD for Highlander: The Source which looked good but was ultimately cancelled. All Spoony can do is ask why they have a copy of The Source, at which point the camera cuts back to a grinning Insano.
Spoony's amusement at the fact that they used a stock splat sound effect for the opening menu (and many more times throughout the games) is hilarious.
"You okay lady?" said by a paramedic to the protagonist, who was currently screaming over the corpse of her boyfriend, also led to Spoony collapsing into a fit of giggles.
When he shows the horrifying video that killed the boyfriend: it's a Rick Roll.
The Dalad Jelly rant.
The ending of the video; the game's protagonist gets a call, which is put on hold until the Protagonist finishes the current objective. She picks up the phone, and the caller turns out to be Sadako, the evil ghost. Spoony lampshades how stupid or how awesome someone would have to be to put a rage ghost that can kill people with a tape on hold. He then gets a call from Ghostface, who he abruptly hangs up on.
The return of the magician from the Skullduggery review.
Who is really the headless from the Ultima Underworld 2 review!
Spoony shows us how reloading a gun and healing jelly works.
Randomly going off on a rant about how trapper keepers suck, apropos of nothing, and then being horrified that the game is bad enough that he's now reviewing trapper keepers instead.
In the Minority Report Everybody Runs video game, he comments about how Anderton is protesting that he's not going to kill anyone, only to cut to a montage of him throwing police officers so they'll suffer multistory and most likely fatal drops, or chucking them into fires. The scene from Demolition Man was the icing on the cake.
Spoony's Hurricane of Puns about balls when he talks about how information about the precrimes is carved on wooden balls, nearly all of them done in an Innocent Innuendo fashion.
In his off the cuff review of The Bureau: X-Com Declassified, he comments on a particularly stupid "minor" mission.
Spoony: And then another minor mission is that a NUCLEAR MISSILE SILO has been taken over by aliens. The minor mission is to retake the NUCLEAR MISSILE SILO before they launch the missile at an unknown location. Minor! No rush. No biggie! When you can. This could only start...could only start the next world war. And sure enough, when you get there, it's targeted for Washington D.C. (Game clip) Minor mission! I like to imagine like what would have happened had you not gone there. I'm sure nothing would have happened, like in terms of plot, but had you gone after the artifact and come back and you're like, "Well good one Carter, you went after the train and now DC is fucking gone!" And honestly that's one of the better case scenarios. Imagine if they'd launched it toward fucking Moscow. Yeah, a lot more than Moscow would have been gone. Minor mission my balls! Like to minor mission my dick up whoever designed this fucking game. A nuclear missile silo gets taken and whoever was assigning the dossiers for these missions and assigning priorities to these. "Oh nuclear missile silo in North Dakota's been taken. C. Y'know, priority C. When they get to it."
This is followed by the scene in Terminator 2: Judgment Day where the nuclear bomb goes off, followed by a shot of Carter getting scored by the T2 theme with his eye glowing all sinister, which is a Call Back to Spoony's earlier statement that Carter looks like the T-1000.
Commenting on Carter's wangsty backstory, which includes every trauma in the book (dead friends, dead wife and children, war veteran, etc.) scored by Johnny Cash's "Hurt."
Spoony: It really is one of the vacuous, most overblown, bloated, pointless... Did I say vacuous?
Spoony: It's double vacuous, loudest, most incomprehensible, coked-out, rambling, insincere, over-dramaticised, under-plotted pieces of Michael-Bay-monkey-shit, smearing-on-his-face, smear-it-on-the-screen, just god-awful movies I think I've ever seen in a theatre.
Noah reviews Pandorum while suffering from a cold, and sends himself into a coughing fit trying to imitate the sounds the monsters make. "...I should not have done that."
His imitation of the insane captain is hilarious too, combined with several references to the Ren and Stimpy episode Space Madness.
Earth's gone? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! You don't understand, man! There's no God! There's no devil! It's just us! Wait! * looks around shiftily* You hear that?! We gotta get outta here! * panics* Oh Dennis Quaid, you don't understand, man! They're gonna kill us all! Game over, man!Oh my beloved ice cream bar!
The entirety of his recent New Moon review, though not particularly scripted, is full of him joking about hallucinatory Edwards warning Bella about how her hair will get ruined, utter bewilderment and almost outright rage over why Bella is so unlikeable (and yet portrayed as having all these people willing to do everything for her), and hilarious over-the-top foppish accents when he's imitating the Volturi, and giant muffins ("It's a Long Story"). Considering he's holding a beer when he starts the review, and seems a bit drunk while he continues, it's probably fair to say that he didn't enjoy this movie. (Even though it's root beer, as Spoony doesn't drink.)
Noah and his brother Miles' impressions of Colonel Quaritch from Avatar. "My mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife! I'm gonna robo-fuck 'em! Ay! Ooh!"
Miles saying the villain has subtler moments and follows up with explaining the destruction of the forest and impersonating the man with, "This is a great cup of coffee. Nice thing to have when when killin indigenous folk."
Noah!Quaritch: Mmmm! That's good stuff!!
Noah!Quaritch: That mech is too pussy for me. You know what my mech needs? A big fuckin' knife.
Miles!Soldier: But why would you need a knife sir?
Noah!Quaritch: Silence, pussy! I want a big fuckin' knife on that fuckin mech, and I want it right fuckin' now!
"I got a steel boner all the time for killin' people! Whoo!"
Noah!Quaritch: I don't need no fuckin' mask!
Miles!Quaritch: Screw you, I don't need to breathe!
"We hate them redskins...er wait they have blue skins...blueskins, screw'em."
When Miles tries to defend movies with moral messages about tolerance and understanding, Noah responds by waving his arms We Are The World-style.
Spoony runs off to find his notes for Deadliest Fantasy Warrior, leaving a befuddled Miles alone with the camera, to which he can just awkwardly say "Hi" to us.
Better than that is Spoony and his brother Miles remembering who they came up with for the fictional character Deadliest Warrior Spoony was planning. Ash vs Kirk! The chainsaw hand versus the kirk combat roll!.
Noah's Vlog about Eclipse
The definite crowning moment being his reaction to Bella saying she loves Jacob and making out with him.
Also Crowning Moment Of Awesome: he shouted in the theater "She is fucking with them at this point! She is just fucking with them!"
About The Last Airbender: "When you spend years working on a movie and it gets outdone by Eclipse... That's deep, man. That's like Hemingway-level depression."
Noah completely freaks out over the "Tai Chi in every scene" in The Last Airbender, jumping up and spazzing out every few seconds, while Miles just sits back and grins.
Fire Bender: Mother fuck... Well, I'm gonna do it AGAIN!"
Water Bender: Water shield...
Fire Bender: ... Watery bitch... I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN!
Water Bender: Water shield... AAGH!
"Earth shiiield." Becoming increasingly light and nonchalant with the accompanying arm wave every time.
Right at the beginning of the video, he seems to be in physical pain as he admits he liked the Uwe Boll film Rampage.
His impressions of the douchebag general who mocks Zuko.
"'Here is the douchebag prince, who was exiled by his father for speaking out against a general during a battle in trying to protect his friends. He is a traitor to our people and an epic-league douchebag.'"
"'Let's all give a hand to the douchebag prince. Oh, and uh, we know he's not allowed to wear the armor of our people because he is an exiled weiner, but we're going to let him do it anyway, for he is as a child and so we will mock him as a child! Would you like to order from the kiddie menu, Prince Zuko? Hahahaha!'"
"I can bend some water all over your fucking face."
Noah and Miles: dueling "Mark Wahlberg in The Happening" impressions.
"Thank you, brother who is not the god of treachery!"
"He's only saying you shouldn't go to the Land of the Frost Giants, because you totally should go."
Spoony pointing out how we see Loki is not how the Gods see Loki:
Spoony: Thor's like "WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS? WHO COULD HAVE LET THE ICE GIANTS IN?" and all heads should have turned to fucking Loki, the God of fucking Mischief. And he'd be like "...WHA? WHAT?" "You're the God of Deception, fucktard!" "But I didn't but-but— Okay, you got me."
Spoony's prediction for his & Miles's opinions on the Green Lantern movie - Spoony (Who isn't really a fan of the Green Lantern comics) will be critical of the movie, whilst Miles (A fan of the Green Lantern comics) will be sat on the couch shouting "That was awesome!"
From Spoony & Miles discussing Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Spoony's dead-on impression of Johnny Depp's performance as Captain Jack Sparrow.
His review of X-Men First Class: "I'll keep this short" (the video is 30 minutes long) The sad part is, by his V-Log standards, that is short.
Spoony had some issues with the Holmes' miraculous survival at the end of Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, specifically: "Okay, you've solved the problem of him breathing underwater. You didn't solve the problem of him dropping two fucking miles and shattering every bone in his body on the water."
In his and Miles' review of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, where they discuss Leonard Nimoy as Sentinal Prime. It almost seems scripted as Spoony breaks down while Miles talks:
Miles: "And Spock had a line." (Spoony continues to moan) "And so Michael Bay had to remind you of the fact that Leonard Nimoy was Spock, and that Spock said a line." (Spoony looks up at the camera and stares) "And the line was... 'the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few'. I flipped the screen the double bird."
Spoony: "...You fucking raped the line!"
Miles: "You see the thing is, I was actually having my own little fan moment, of having Leonard Nimoy, who is doing a good job as a voice actor. I liked him a lot. Then you had to put that in there."
Even more Hilarious in Hindsight after seeing that the ending of Suburban Knights became a near line-for-line Shout-Out to this scene. When this was brought up in the commentary, Spoony defended that first, they earned the line compared to Transformers, and second, they didn't have Leonard Nimoy himself doing it.
Mentioning how the humans are all stunned that a group called the Decepticons would turn out to be evil.
THEY CALL THEMSELVES DECEPTICONS, YOU STUPID CUNT!
The explanation of the Mood Whiplash slapstick, where Miles somehow keeps a completely straight face with Spoony flailing around all over and around him.
At the start of the V-log, Spoony tells the camera he took notes of all the stupidity. Halfway through the review, he lets us know that for the human characters, he simply wrote "ANNOYING FUCKS" in big, bold letters.
Spoony: "I took notes. I started taking notes before the film even began."
Spoony and Brad Uncensored of Transformers 3. Canadian Transformers. Playing hockey.
In the last couple minutes, they get to talking about how Apollo didn't need to die in the fourth film but just be hospitalized, leading them to wonder what Rocky and Apollo's future interactions could have been like...mostly focused on Apollo being upset that Rocky didn't throw in the towel while he could still move.
Wondering at how no one in Contagion covers their mouth when they cough.
When he and Miles discuss about the The Thing (2011) prequel movie, Noah says he hated it, but Miles says, while actually talking about the original one, that it's his favorite horror movie of all time. Noah looks surprised and confused for a second, asks if he's talking about the original one, Miles confirms and Noah then looks at the camera for a split moment with an expression of "Phew, I was really scared for a second".
The thumbnail for his review of the Japanese Paranormal Activity is his demonstration of the protagonist's knock-kneed walk on her broken legs.
Spoony showing a glitch in DC Universe Online in which his character (Dr. Insano, naturally) ends up falling through the earth and onto the other side of the map.
(While spinning around) "I'm drilling through the earth, FOR SCIENCE!"
Sean mocking Spoony by jumping on his head while he's stuck under the map.
Briefly standing next to another guy who picked the same ridiculous pose for his character.
While on a few levels it's kinda sad, it is ungodly hilarious that this movie was soooo terrible, it drove Spoony, an admitted non drinker, to getting completely smashed off his ass. That's some powerful suck right there.
His sympathy for Bella's dad who is still entirely clueless that his daughter has married into a vampire family and is pregnant with a half-vampire child. "Mustache Dad is like 'ok'. He has completely given up, it's been three movies, she hasn't listened to him yet."
Reaction to Jacob imprinting on Renesmee. "I love this baby so much. I'm gonna fuck it one day."
Also, when Noah says about Jacob's sexual fantasies, Lewis yells "Newborn Porn!"
"He injects her with his venom, and he bites her arm, and then he bites her thigh, and then he bites her boob. Dude, this is so not helping! Get a fucking defibrillator, you cunt!"
When Noah says that in his hundred-plus years Edward should have done something meaningful like becoming a doctor, Lewis breaks down at the thought of "Edward Cullen, MD", leaping around the hospital with dramatic ER music and declaring that this patient needs venom.
Discussing how ridiculous the name "Renesmee" is, since the name is a combination of the name of Bella's mother with the name of the island she and Edward honeymooned, Linkara offers a comparison if he were named such, mentioning his mother is named "Avonelle". Spoony's response is "wait wait, back the crazy train up...your mother's name is Avonelle?" The entire tangent afterwards as Linkara explains and Spoony makes fun while trying not to offend is gold.
Linkara: I'll kick your ass, man!
Spoony: I'm sure mother Linkara is very nice.
Linkara: Damn straight.
Spoony doesn't get all the fun, Jew Wario provides this gem when they discuss Bella is willing to risk death to have her baby: "Well she's fulfilled her life goal [of fucking Edward] so what else does she have left to live for?"
And when Spoony brings up the discussion of baby names, Linkara offers up "Damien".
Oreo apparently being an Empathy Pet and wanting some rum herself. And just the fact that during the entire hour and a half of morose rambling, she's in the background having plenty of fun.
The first time he takes a drink, Oreo gets up from her spot on the couch, while looking over Spoony's shoulder, wondering what he's doing.
When Oreo later goes for the shotglass straight out of Noah's hand, Noah pulls it away and says "No baby, this is Daddy's medicine. He needs this."
At one point, Oreo starts bugging him, so he starts playing fetch with her.
Noah's portrayal of the Volturi as Dr. Frankenfurter-esque dandies, as well as his declaration that apparently all they do all day is sit around in flowing black robes and be gay.
Lewis and Justin's Flat "What." reactions when Noah mentions the name "Reneesme".
The thumbnail for the video summarizes the vlog perfectly—Spoony's head is on the coffee table buried in his arm, while two bottles of alcohol sit beside him; Oreo in the background on the couch is sound asleep.
When he goes to read his notes he took during the movie, he discovers that his attempt to write "Music is still awful" in a darkened theater resulted in an illegible scrawl that appeared to say "Merfolk is still awfer," leading to Lewis asking if there were mermaids in the movie.
Initially he read it as "Wetwork is still awesome", which is slightly less surreal.
All three of them losing it over his impression of Edward preparing to have sex with Bella, a completely unexcited "Okay, let's do this."
And then, "Okay, he doesn't say 'let's do this.' That'd be my move. I'd be like, 'Geronimo!'"
Followed by Justin interjecting the equally hilarious "'Hang on, let me go get my nose plugs.'"
Related to this, when he does an impression of Edward apologising to Bella for hurting her when they actually have sex - which is summed up with a completely deadpan "I'm too strong, I - I just fuck you too hard."
Spoony belches with perfect timing when talking about Jacob talking to Bella at the wedding reception, making Jacob sound like the perfect drunk jackass Romantic Runner-Up.
The absolute exasperation of everyone—especially Linkara—when told about Bella and Edward playing chess as sexual foreplay.
Spoony: This motherfucker owns an island, and he doesn't own an Xbox?!
As JewWario tries to make playing chess sound erotic: "Loser get bottomsies." "You took more than that, big boy. Ooh."
After watching it a few times, I personally love how much Spoony completely tempts fate. "I gotta have somebody here so I don't do something stupid." *45 minutes later, barely comprehensible through laughter* "I tried to put the lid on the shotglass!"
Every time Spoony mentions that the characters go to Rio, Oreo hears the sound as her name and perks up.
Lewis asks "Why on earth is there a truce based around this stupid, vacant-eyed psychopath?" (meaning Bella) and Spoony answers, "No, it's not about Edward."
At one point, as he's explaining Edward's only emotion/expression during all the films, he tries to replicate the expression on camera. He ends up pulling this really odd pout/frown/grimace face, which he only sustains for a few seconds before laughing. It needs to be seen to be believed.
Every time he takes a drink, he screws his face up and groans like he's drinking turpentine, before ending it with 'That's actually really good'. It's hilarious.
Spoony explains that in the movie, the only other thing done for recreation (apart from sex) is chess.
Noah: And, like, the one thing they do, on this honeymoon, for recreation, other than fucking, is play chess.
Justin: They play chess.
Lewis: They play chess?
Noah: They play chess!
In his vlog about going to Washington D.C. to protest SOPA, he relates how Angry Joe decided to shoot a video dressed as Corporate Commander on the steps of the Capitol Building, and Spoony and Rob Walker were scared to death that they would get in trouble (they had gotten permission, but still). It all culminated with Rob pointing out to Spoony that there were snipers on top of the buildings watching them. Spoony realizes how great an epitaph it would be on Joe's tombstone: "Shot dead on the steps of the Capitol Building dressed like Corporate Commander."
The Avengers: Spoony starts out facepalming, and goes "Oh my God... this was the biggest dumptruck of diarrhea I've ever seen in my fucking life." After a beat, he suddenly smiles and goes "Gotcha!"
His Insistent Terminology where he constantly refers to Nick Fury's superiors as the "Shadowy Council Of People In Poorly Lit Rooms Who Secretly Run The World".
For Snow White and the Huntsman, his complete inability to suspend his disbelief for the idea that Kristen Stewart is "fairer" than Charlize Theron.
Noah: I know I'm sounding like a pig here...but come on! It's...it's Charlize Theron.
In his and Miles V-log on Prometheus, their description on how the two stoned people's first encounter with the snake like aliens (or as Spoony and Miles calls it, an Alien dong). Complete with Spoony's re-enactment of the Alien.
"This is the Church, this is the Steeple."
Noah: And the guy's like, 'It's beautiful! Look at this thing! And then it goes... (makes menacing hissing/gurgling sounds)
Miles: That's pretty much the universal sign- (Noah hisses again) -that it doesn't like you.
Apparently, that particular scientist doesn't live in this universe, 'cause...
Noah: OK, so-so this thing, it goes...(HIISSSS!!!)...and the guy g—there's this big orchestra sting and he goes, "AAH!!" And the guy's like, "Dude, dude, let's get outta here," right?
Miles: He's like, "No, I got this."
Noah: He's like, "Nonono, nono...it's OK. (gets in a little closer)(looks back at Miles) Isn't it amazing? And then it eats his face. Oh, nononono, he reaches out to TOUCH it, he's like, "Hello, alien penis! Hi! Oh, you're a cute little penis, arencha?"
Miles: "I've never seen hentai in my life!"
Noah: "Oh, you're a cute little alien dong. Hello!"
Oreo spends the whole video either squeaking her toy nonstop, or whining when Spoony takes it away. "I know, I'm a monster."
"Oreo didn't see the movie. But if she did, she wouldn't have liked it."
Every time either of them says, "Not very good scientists."
Noah's re-enactment of the alien head being electrified, and Miles' comment, "Oh, that's not good. Maybe we should put it under the hood."
During the V-log for The Amazing Spiderman, Spoony and Miles spend about seven minutes arguing over a very minor plot point.
Oh, it gets better - The plot point that caused the argument? Dr Rathra comments to Conners that he's not exactly innocent in the deaths of Richard & Mary Parker; so Miles was arguing that it meant that Conners had killed Peter's parents, whilst Spoony was adamant that it was instead down to Conners acting unethically, even declaring "You can break the law whilst doing science! Trust me, I know!"
And referring to Rathra throughout the whole thing as "Evil Indian Guy," since neither of them picked up on his name while watching the film.
Spoony asking Miles if the Arizona Police have "lightning rounds" whilst discussing the NYPD using taser-bullets to take down Spider-Man, and Miles commenting that they're only to be used in case of Batman showing up.
Miles: Forget the police! Forget the National Guard! You make a friend of the Crane-Union, you have the most powerful ally in the city, my friend!
Spoony: These guys are amazing! They should have called this The Amazing Crane-Operators!
In The Dark Knight Rises Oreo is up to her usual squeaky toy antics...and then she walks on Miles' crotch.
Noah's impression of how Burton's film should have ended, with the Joker blasted into a piece of raw meat by the Batplane.
The two discussing whether Bane sounds like Sean Connery or Ian McKellen.
Spoony Tries Highlander Brew has some funny moments. Spotlights include his extended silence when trying Prawn Cocktail crisps, his Scottish accent when he discovers Highlander Brew was made in Canada, and Spoony being utterly amazed by a Twirl bar. The video is even funnier if you're from the UK and know the candy Spoony is trying.
The Skyfall review, between assuring viewers that he did like the film and praising its strengths, is effectively one big Running Gag about hacking and firewalls.
"Why did they hook up the thermostat to MI6... to the interwebs?"
Joking about hacking the castle.
Silva!Spoony: I have a satellite, and my satellite can hack your firewalls. It can hack your stone walls! 'Cause I'm that good.
Miles refering Q as "The nerdling".
Miles really shines in this video in that he successfully trolls Spoony into Face Palm and death-threats.
Addressing that one edit implies that a character swam to Italy... from the state of Washington.
All of Spoony's, Brad's, and April's impressions of the Volturi leader, Aro.
The tangent about what the Volturi do when plot isn't happening. Spoony!Aro wants to play The Michael Jackson Experience and claims he can do the Thriller at Mach 3.
He mentions the fact that the Volturi haven't picked up an Italian accent despite living there for centuries. April then comments that it'd be funny if they sounded like Mario; Spoony barely averts a Spit Take.
The discussion over starting a show called "Bored Volturi" (about what the Volturi do when people are not giving them information). It basically involved Spoony and Brad Jones sitting immobile on the Volturi thrones, interrupted only by occasionally tittering in the campest manner possible.
Their imporov of the Volturi ends when Brad says a man in a Michael Myers mask just passed by, giving him a weird look. Then they start it again a few minutes later anyway.
Spoony's impression of the meeting-Renesmee squee, which he asserts he fell out of his chair at.
Made better that Brad and his friends also fell out of their seats in their respective theatre and April had to help Spoony up.
The routine of Brad, Spoony, and April imitating Aro telling Wayne to call Carlisle through phone and then through a telegraph.
Spoony was discussing the idea of the Volturi coming back to wipe out the Cullens in a surprise attack, and that if he was Michael Sheen in that scene, he would... have sex with one of the guys. And then launch the surprise attack.
The thumbnail of Part 4.
Spoony and Brad somehow start talking about the making of The Human Spider. Spoony is still amazed at how little persuasion it took for Brad to agree to film a scene where he was on his hands and knees, ass to ass with another man, both wearing nothing but adult diapers, outside. And we learn that filming that scene took about an hour, and halfway through Spoony noticed his neighbors watching in utter horror.
The entire sequence featuring their comments about the wizards and Radagast's inclusion of the film, right down to a faux Saruman reaction:
Spoony as Saruman: "Oh my - Radagast!? He's not here is he? The dude eats shrooms, all the fucking time!"
His reenacting of the White Council scene (emphasizing its expository nature), where every sentence is followed by someone else saying "I know, right?"
Comparing Elrond's identification of the blades to a D&D game, including Gandalf asserting to the dwarves that he gets to keep Glamdring on account of specializing.
The entire second half of Noah and Miles discussing the trailers.
Every instance of "BRRRRRRRRRRM!!!"
Spoony & April Try Mitsuwa Market Food
Spoony tries the potato doughnut. It's so bad that he gags on it for a while before swallowing, and then likens the taste to old coleslaw stored in a sock.
He then goes back to the better-tasting green mugwort bun and begs for it to save him.
Spoony: Oh horrible green alien fruit, save me from the potato doughnut.
Spoony drinks Kimchi flavored soda. He spends the next few minutes trying to pretend it tastes great, while also attempting not to puke.
He then drinks all of the Ramune mixed together. At first, he asks his fans to cheer him on and send him courage. His reaction immediately afterwards, when he spills some all over his shirt (and apparently crotch) all with a blank, thousand yard stare on his face, is pure gold. Also, immediately before:
Noah and Miles comment on the Fridge Logic of the ship's power cells being so finicky that even the slightest deviation can make it explode, and then proceed to imagine the ship blowing up if someone tried to use a hair dryer.
Escape Plan starts out with Noah failing to get Oreo to budge from his spot on the couch.
The demonstration of 50 Cent's acting technique, where he seems incapable of talking and doing physical action at the same time.
Spoony gets the vapors upon learning Jim Caviezel played the warden.
In Spoony and April Try Mitsuwa Market Food 2: The Quickening Spoony opens a packet of Potato Salad flavour potato chips and gets hit in the eye with a piece of a chip.
From before the vlog, his Angrish reaction on Twitter:
Spoony spends the opening minutes with a lock of hair hanging down that makes him look like a '50s greaser whenever he turns to the right.
Recounting his ill-advised chugging of Korean liquor.
Spoony and April's impression of Murphy and his wife's not-sex.
The impressions of how Murphy talks like a robot even as a human, including a few times where Spoony has to stop himself when he starts quoting the lines with emotion.
The two of them realizing the Fridge Logic of just how Murphy affords his (far too nice) house on a cop's pay.
Wrestle! Wrestle! (And Wrestling V-Logs)
His review of the Slammies was brilliant from beginning to end, but this line comes near the end, where Spoony describes the way to defend your title:
"'It's a no disqualification match now!' So, I'm just gonna take out my .45 and I'm gonna shoot John Cena. And assuming he sells THAT, I've just killed the guy, I pin his corpse, and I win! That's pro wrestling, folks!"
Spoony's February 27, 2010 Vlog, a 90 minute long video picking apart an episode of TNA Impact, is worth sitting through, if only for the moment when he completely loses his fudge over seeing a sign in the audience declaring that Scott Hall rules.
"You think we're gonna see wrestling, right?" (leans into the camera)"WROOOOOOOOOONG!"
"I one day aspire to be like Ric Flair in making a video, just like—(launches into Ric Flair impersonation) 'I HATE THIS GAME! I HATE IT! AHHHHHH'—and start elbow-dropping my coat."
"Now...I could go on about how we're dealing with a wrestling program in which a 300-pound Samoan is kidnapped by ninjas who drive a panel van? But I won't. He goes, 'You know, I've called Samoa Joe, I've left messages on his voicemail, and it's been a week, and there's been no answer. Where do you hide a 300-pound Samoan?' he says. ... I don't know! BUT HE WAS ABDUCTED BY NINJAS!! NINJAS!!! CALL THE COPS!!!!! THERE ARE NINJAS KIDNAPPING PEOPLE ON TV! THE COOOPS! Did no one get a license plate?! Do ninfgh—Ninjas! Kidnapping!TV! WE'RE NOT STUPID!"
(laughing, which then dissolves into sobbing and whimpering) "I hate this show..."
Being genuinely amused at Ken Anderson's shtick, where he summons an old-timey microphone from the ceiling, and picturing him summoning said mic during non-wrestling situations (e.g. fighting a traffic ticket in court)
Spoony: Hulk Hogan couldn't throw a fucking dropkick in 1984. In 2010, Hulk Hogan couldn't throw a fucking dropkick if you had a six man wire team and he was wearing rocket boots.
July 15, 2010: Commenting on a back-and-forth between some Knockouts.
"The rest of the Beautiful People come out pissed off and they start arguing with Madison about how she's uppity, and Madison says, 'Maybe you've overdosed on your dumb blonde pills!' [Bec]ause I—dumb blonde pills; I think they sell those at the Jerk Store . . . Velvet Sky fires back and says, 'Well, I think you've overdosed on yours!' Wow, the level of discourse in TNA is, is just riveting. This is, like...not since the Lincoln-Douglas debates have we seen such a back-and-forth of dueling witty repartee. 'You've overdosed on your pills from the Jerk Store'...oooh! And besides that, if there's a natural blonde in the bunch, I will eat my shorts."
July 19, 2010:
From his notes about the TNA announcer: "Fucking Stryker refers to Dolph Ziegler's fans as 'Dolphins.'" Spoony closes his eyes and just seethes, which is hilarious enough, but after several seconds of this he says (still in Tranquil Fury mode) "nine ... ten." Then opens his eyes, sighs, and we now return you to our regularly scheduled commentary.
Spoony's take on what wrestlers say when he recapss them are pretty funny, but his Miz one is epic.
"Oh shit, scary big black man!"
"I've got all year motherfuckers!"
July 22, 2010:
"Kevin Nash approaches after the match. He shakes Kurt's hand, gets in the ring. And for the next ten minutes, I kind of blacked out because they started talking, and they talked for a long time. And when it was over, I knew that they had spoken, and I knew that the words they were speaking were in English, but I had no idea what the fuck had just transpired. So I rewound it and I watched it again...and I...was...I still didn't know what the fuck had happened. So I watched it again, and this time, I transcribed the words that they spoke in an attempt to understand what they were saying. I will now recap the events of this angle IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL SO YOU, TOO, WILL SUFFER AS I HAVE SUFFERED.
After PAX, Spoony reviews an episode of NXT featuring Michael Cole at his fourth wall-breaking, gong-bashing best.
"Kaitlyn wins [the obstacle course], and Cole immediately starts up, he grabs his fuckin' mallet, and he's like, *mimes banging a gong with each word* 'NO! NO! DUMB! STUPID! I WAS A WAR CORRESPONDENT! What the fuck am I doing here?! I'm not covering this horseshit! Y'know what? SCREW THIS SHOW! THIS SHOW SUCKS!'"
"He brought a gong! Michael Cole, in anticipation of hating this fucking show...this must've been from last week. Like, last week, he goes home - I'm just thinking in terms of storyline - Cole, he goes home, and he's like, 'That fuckin' NXT show sucked. Y'know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy a gong. I'm gonna bring this fuckin' gong with me, set it right next to the announce table, I'm gonna hit this fuckin' gong.' *laughs* He bought a gong! He went to a music store and was like, 'I want a gong, please.' And they sold him a gong, and he's like, 'I need a gong stand for my gong.'"
From his latest wrestling rant, hilarious moments include his impression of Tommy Dreamer, him repeating Taz's insanely stupid statements such as "If my aunt had a yam-bag she'd be my uncle", and him talking about Kevin Nash's 3 minute promo which made no sense to him after three viewings. Also, him reading off his notes in general, but specifically about when Dixie Carter came out "Oh shit there's like 12 minutes left in this show and its all going to be Dixie talking".
His imitation of Michael Cole's reactions to Miz and Daniel Bryan during his Wrestle! Wrestle! review of Summerslam 2010.
From the 8/26/10 review of iMPACT!:
Not only are fours prominent in the picture, "Fourtune" is not spelled the way you'd think it's spelled. It's spelled F-O-U-R-T-U-N-E. Fourtune. AS IN FOUR GUYS! THERE'S SIX GUYS! Jesus Christ! This is why iMPACT! is stupid: they can't count!
His near-existential breakdown at the "debut" of Serge Carter.
So, some guy runs in the ring and Fourtune immediately smothers him . . . and nobody knows who the fuck this guy is. And so Tazz goes . . . "That's Serge!" *beat* Oh! It's Serge! Who the fuck is Serge?!? And Tenay is like, "It's Dixie's husband Serge!" *beat* Dixie's married? To a guy named "Serge?" When? How long has he been here? What the f—...he's...WHO THE FUCK IS SERGE?!? We have never established Serge's...anything! We have not established Serge. WHO THE FUCK IS SERGE?!?
"'You don't want me to get Hulk Hogan out here Sting, because Hulk Hogan will...have a bad back at you.'"
"PARKOUR!" when describing John Morrison's wrestling. Made funnier as a Call Back when Randy Orton reverses John Cena's AA into an RKO through a table.
"Cole totally wants the Mizz-jizz."
His latest Wrestle Wrestle has the return of his reaction to a John Cena vs Randy Orton match. A scream of anguish.
His 9-16-2010 TNA Vlog starts out with him looking dead. He explains that Sean Faust is taking over the WWE programs, so he can focus on TNA. He then rolls his eyes, and then wonders how it's possible to put on a terrible show every single week, while apologizing for engaging in such hyperbole. Its not hyperbole. He then goes on to explain how even the recap was stupid, while wondering if they understand that you are supposed to pretend that wrestling in general takes place in the real world. It's a problem that they have a lot in this particular episode, what with Abyss abducting and torturing people with branding irons in the back.
The crowning moment though is when he completely loses his composure and breaks down laughing for a good while soon after he finishes quoting Brian Kendrick during the Fourtune segment.
"'I am a descended god!' No, Brian, you're a descended testicle."
The kicker to his whole rant involving Abyss torturing people with a branding iron: near the end, when he suggests actually taping himself branding Bennett the Sage's genitals.
*holds hands over his nose* "Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeamer ..."
His 10-16-10 may just be the funniest one yet. From how he singlehandedly and brutally shows how TNA writer fails at law with the whole Eric taking over TNA and how he tricked Dixie with the whole contract thing, to his reaction to Eric Young and J Woww's promo.
Specifically after describing all the bullshit that's gone on in the first hour of the show which has had exactly one wrestling match that lasted exactly one pin count, he says 'This is where it gets bad' and describes the how he was paralyzed with fear at the Eric Young promo as if he was in a nightmare, and how it will be the last thing people will hear when he goes into a homicidal rage.
*concerning the formation of Immortal* This is like Vince Russo...Vince Russo might as well be, like, just spooging on the camera. Honestly, that would be more entertaining. At least something would be happening that I could understand. Y'know, just watching a man violently spooge on a camera lens: that I can comprehend; I don't appreciate it, but at least I can follow it.
Some of his best moments have to be him comparing TNA to the decline and fall of the WCW empire including total nonsense that has gone on with the contract nonsense, the women's title which was surrendered and how you will be able to tell when he goes crazy when he says its a brilliant satire, the return of Hollywood Hogan and the monolithic nWo group of 'Immortal', and how they seem to be compacting its years long fall to a three hour show every week.
From the 11/1 show: "I'm wrestling with a concussion right now! WOOOO!" *flop*
He states he fell asleep while watching, slept for 6 hours, while his DVR played that episode of Impact! on an endless loop. It apparently gave him nightmares. And the nightmares were more entertaining.
Also, Spoony's pain at knowing who Gunner and Murphey, the reoccurring heel security guards who are in the show more than many wrestlers are.
His 1-6-11 Vlog was his first Wrestle Wrestle in almost a month. At the beginning he explains that the episode will be like his previous format where he would first watch Impact before pausing it and giving us his thoughts then and there. After 5 minutes of casually explaining this he goes ahead and cuts the camera so in the next shot he will have seen some of Impact. His very first words on the first cut?
"Okay! Already I've got a big problem with this show!"
His bashing of Karen Jarrett and Velvet Sky's screeching voices in the 1-29-11 Vlog, from him mocking Karen and Velvet's voices to him actually making the viewers listen to Velvet Sky demanding Winter to come to the ring.
Velvet Sky: "Well I got something to say to you, you glass-bottom-boat-loving bitch!"
His statements about TNA's failure to do basic things for their attempt at resurrecting the Main Event Mafia (like making sure half their roster was on the TNA payroll) were actually kinda humorous, as well as his relief that Booker T replaced Matt Striker. Tellingly, this occurred before TNA went and pushed his berserk button.
Steinermath. Using Scott's very tenuous grasp on mathematics against him. And then having a divide by zero moment when the "Kurt Angle factor" now worked in Steiner's favor. "Wow. I blew my mind."
From his 2-17-2011 Impact review, first the list of things he could be doing besides watching Impact, second the contrast between before he had watched, and after the first segment, third, TNA failing the four year old test to whether custody of children can be determined by results of a wrestling match, fourth, comparing the Jarrets' segment and use of strawberries within to Lord Kat rubbing one on his nipples and also questioning the internal logic of those segments regarding Kurt Angle, fifth, the no shenanigans/ no cheating match stipulation between Velvet Sky and Sarita, when cheating should already be illegal, sixth, calling, then immediately getting the payoff for Flair turning on Fourtune, seventh, his impression of the Pope's promo about how Reagan, and Jesus support the Pope also Pope hiring Kato/Okata, and why he's there, eighth, the boobs on Miss Brooks, the 10 second Scott Steiner promo, and finding out they are promoting it on the website as an attraction for next week, and finally promising he was going to get booze next week. There was a lot more, Spoony was really on fire this week.
"If you wanna replicate the experience of Karen Jarrett's voice, simply listen to someone playing Dead Space. *Hellish Screech*"
"Seriously, like every fucking thing Karen Angle is saying she's...reminding us that in the near future, they're going to have loud, filthy sex. And if there's one thing I never need to think about ever again in my life, it's Jeff Jarrett, naked sweaty and thrusting."
Miles actually got one with the first thing he spoke, after Spoony apologised for the way he treated him the last V-Log they did together.
Miles: It's okay; I cook food for you, so I get my revenge in other ways.
In the Money In The Bank 2011 v-log, after Spoony recaps the CM Punk contract segment from the previous Raw & explaining that Punk had requested his face on everything, including the turnbuckles & that Mr McMahon would have signed the contract if John Cena hadn't screwed everything up, Miles chimes in.
Miles: I wanted my CM Punk turnbuckles!
Spoony then goes on to say that he was half expecting, after McMahon actually caved into Punk's demands, that Punk was going to turn around and remark "Really? Shit man, I was just joking! Really?! Okay!"
During the streaming of his Catherine gameplay, Spoony is utterly baffled that most people wouldn't streak through the streets, even if given enough money.
"Hell yeah! How much are we talking about?" (waits for poll results) "This isn't even going to be close... Really. Most people said no.Really."
After defeating "Doom's Bride" (a giant, shrieking naked woman in a wedding veil who wields a knife), he quipped, "That's basically Scarlett in the morning."note Especially notable because, though he refuses to otherwise speak poorly of her, this marked the first time he was able to joke about his ex-girlfriend.
In the middle of a recording, he notices a scorpion on the wall. He leaves, but you can still hear him smacking it in the background.
Spoony: No I didn't take a picture of it! I killed its dumb ass!
Spoony as a parody of Captain Jack Sparrow listing what he considers to be the greatest comic-books about pirates of all time (he's only able to think of Tales of the Black Freighter from Watchmen). Cue a long awkward silence and then the end credits.
His commentary on it is also a killer, as he struggles to understand the logistics of the show within its own universe. "Who's holding the camera? I mean, I know Rob Walker's holding the camera, but like in the continuity of this show, who the hell is standing over the bed holding the camera, and why is this person never acknowledged?"
"Why do the police never stop me?!"
He finishes his commentary by thanking his girlfriend for not killing him for this, and concluding that he has a weird job.
Anytime Ultimate Warrior shows up. Or more to the point, Spoony's hilarious impression of him:
AT WRESTLEMANIA, HOAK HOGAN, YOU WILL FEEL THE FULL FORCE OF MY DESTRUCITY! AND YOU HAD BETTER BE FOKED, HOAK HOGAN, BECAUSE I AM GOING TO FOKE MYSELF THIS SUNDAY ON EXACTLY ONE THING, HOAK HOGAN: THE WWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! AND YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO CLICK YOUR HEELS THREE TIMES AND ESCAPE MY MATRIX, HOAK HOGAN! YOU HAVE LESS CHANCE THAN TWO FIGHTERS AGAINST A STAR DESTROYER! THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR IS TO TAKE OFF AN NUKE THE SITE FROM ORBIT, HOAK HOGAN! SKROOOOONK!
It's clear that Spoony has at least heard of is a fan of Botchamania, because, in addition to the Warrior bits, his Hulk Hogan impersonation includes the "the apple pie" Mondegreen and the "NUMBAHHH ONE! (belt whip)", both of which are Botchamania staples.
THIS LINKARA COMIC DOES NOT CONTAIN NEARLY ENOUGH DESTRUCITY, HOKE HOGAN!
Whatcha gonna do, when I unleash these 24 inch pythons of SCIENCE on you dude?
BUTTONS! BUTTONS! WHO'S GOT THE BUTTONS?
Dr. Linksano's initial appearance, explaining what the different universes are like.
Linksano: For instance, in my universe, Wayne Brady is black!
Spoony: He's black in this one too.
Linksano: Silence, you sad silly bastard!
The Warrior Christmas Special: "He raped Santa!"
"No one rapes Santa on our watch!"
On the same note, Spoony putting subtitles over videos of the Ultimate Warrior, which are suppose to illustrate what he's saying. Especially:
Ultimate Warrior: They're seeping through!
Subtitles: They have horrible diarrhea.
Spoontok of the Klingon Empire.
We have a holodeck on my Bird Of Prey, and we have to hose it down nightly! Those walls are sticky as hell.
Oh yeah, the Metroids are coming, and you have Edward Cullen to thank.
From the Gamecrazy training video: As if Jive Turkey Zelda wasn't funny enough, there's this: "Even Flavor Flav would say you've gone too far with this performance. Either that, or he'd be madly in love."
The Totally Radical is hilarity in and of itself, but hearing some of Spoony's reactions — such as hearing "Zelda" go "Booyah!" and then Spoony gets up and walks around the room laughing so hard and loud the mic still picks up his laughter.
Dr. Insano tries to break into a parade like Ferris Bueller. "STOP RESISTING!"
And the commentary reveals that the cop was played by Noah's brother Miles, who is really a cop and was wearing his own uniform and riot helmet (carefully turned so we couldn't see his insignia and get the Arizona police even more of a bad reputation).
The framing material for the Kristanna Loken interview, where he keeps discussing how it was done under pretty much the worst possible conditions with the benefit of a year of hindsight. Plus, Linkara's Oh Crap reactions whenever Loken starts getting suspicious about what the two of them really think of her movies.
"I'm sure he means well."
Caption: You can actually see Linkara digging his own grave.
From the Nintendo customer service video, as a man tries to return an incredibly dirty NES: "Well, this is what happens when you call your console the Nintendo Wii!"
His demonstration of the Battlestar Galactica board game starts out with a concept sure to make any BSG fan double over in hysterics: President Ellen Tigh. And to make it even better, she's played by Spoony himself.
Early in the game, he succeeds in a difficult dice roll to get more food, and loudly declares "I AM THE BEST PRESIDENT EVER!"
I always get a kick out of a few of the headers from his site that changes every time you reload the page: "Because the forky and knifey experiment was already taken..." "Spoony: 1, Little Miss Gamer: 0" being a few highlights. But I got a good laugh today at seeing "What, you want me to come up with something funny every time you reload?"
On the commentary for his crossover with Lord Kat about beating Pumpkinhead's Revenge, he realizes he accidentally called the guy who actually managed to beat the game and let them use his footage "fucking pathetic" and hastily tries to backtrack. "You are a god among men. You have slain the Pumpkinhead, and I tip my hat to you, sir."
In the crossover itself, when Spoony says the game makes less sense than Blitzball:
Lord Kat: At least Blitzball was integral to the plot!
From the Mazes and Monsters commentary, Spoony revealing that his response to a film consisting of anti-Dungeons & Dragons propaganda that made his life hell as a youth when his mother saw it was not anger at this, but annoyance that the film was so boring and failed to really convey that it was the game that made the protagonist suicidal. Instead, he reveals, a few years ago he wrote a half-finished script for an Exploitation Film called Creatures and Caverns which does the concept competently, proving that D&D leads to orgies and human sacrifice!
And the reason he didn't finish it was the sudden realization that he'd never be able to find anyone willing to act in it (seeing as the depravity on display would be, according to Spoony, on par with Caligula), though he promises to finish it off if any viewers do think they could put it on film.
In particular, Spoony's description of his commercial for White Castle Dusseldorf Mustard, especially after Paw provides feedback.
His stand up routine about ordering junk food with the Star Trek replicators.
Though he forgets the best part of the routine until the middle of his Q&A session, about the convention's woefully inadequate supply of elevators and one woman who got an elevator to herself by shouting that she had children, "like the first white bitch off the Titanic."
In a discussion about high school activities on Lord Kat's stream on 01/23/11, Arc Light speculated that Spoony might have been a cheerleader, to which he replied "FUCK YOU I was in the marching band!"
"I played the fucking glockenspiel. You don't even fucking know what a glockenspiel is."
Which aren't exactly the manliest instruments, since the glockenspiel is more or less a xylophone.
In his interview with Richard Garriott, Lord British fully owns up to his desire to make you kill children in more and more horrible ways in every game. It apparently is a secret Running Gag in every Ultima game since Ultima 4.
If you notice, LB actually stops short of cursing during the video. The man won't swear on camera, but he'll gladly force you to kill children.
In "Lord British vs. The Avatar", Spoony, as the Avatar, has just been gypped by Richard Garriott, as Lord British, after a quest where he lost two fingers and a kidney. In anger, he tries to hurt Lord British with a whiskey bottle, his sword, and a battleaxe as he is hunting. Emphasis on "tries", as Lord British barely notices his attacks. He then runs off, comes back with his M79 grenade launcher and fires it at Lord British. His reaction?
"Avatar, that's not very sporting to the animals!"