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- His illustration for the "autoclitoridectomy" in Antichrist. He says he can't show us what happens, so he illustrates it with a Rebus Bubble involving a kitten and a pair of scissors.
He: I'd like to do one more exercise, it's like role playing.Oancitizen!He: Now, I'm going be a half-elf ranger. Here's a character sheet. Now, you can pick anything you want but don't pick half elf or ranger since we need to diversify our skill sets. The talking fox will be the DM.
- "For some reason I see the cover art of a Twilight ripoff novel."
- "The tree unironically enjoys ytmnd.com! Strange."
- "She becomes She-Hulk."
- Discussing some of the dialogue:
- "Could whoever's recording a power generator being run underwater keep it down? You're drowning out my wife's whispering."
Oancitizen: Makeup sex! That could be helpful for their relationship-She: Hit me!Oancitizen: Nope.
- "Remember how when you were a little kid, you used to play that game where the floor was hot lava? She never stopped playing."
- "How many dead babies does one film need to have?!"
- At one point, She claims that "nature is Satan's church". "Either I missed that lesson in Sunday School, or She takes Comedy Central as Gospel truth." Cue a clip from "Woodland Critter Christmas".
- "Could spending days alone in terrifying Satan-infested woods doing research on the killing of women by countless cultures across the ages have any adverse effects on a woman's psyche? (Beat) Let's find out!"
He: There's no such constellation.Oancitizen: Thank you!
- "He looks into the sky and sees a constellation. A fox, a crow, and a deer representing pain, grief, and despair. Wait a minute! There's no such constellation!"
- The impromptu children's book of the film: "Goodnight, shack. Goodnight, pack. Goodnight, acorns making a thwack. Goodnight, trees. Goodnight, plants. Goodnight, dead eaglet covered in ants."
- "Good lord this cover is terrifying."
- "As per Grabadimwit tradition, Pinocchio is put in jail for being an incurable idiot. Ah... paradise on Earth."
- His description of the World of Good Boys:
It's a world of finals clubs, insider trading, and mountains of cocaine. It will stay that way as long as you keep the coloreds out. (wink) Now let me tell you about the Fuck Truck...
- A very clever Shout-Out during the last Blue Fairy scene:
- "When I die, I will be greeted at the gates of hell by a thin, hyperactive Italian man, who will say to me, 'I'm a fish, gloog gloog.'"
- Pinocchio, at the grave of the Blue Fairy: "I don't want to be alive any more!" Oancitizen, holding a butcher knife: "I can help!"
Anatomy of Hell
- After hearing the woman's excuse for attempted suicide ("Because I'm a woman"), he exemplifies how flimsy the gendered excuse is:
Jeez, man, that's the third time you've ordered pizza this week! why do you keep doing that?
BECAUSE I'M A MAN! (continues to nom on pizza)
- "Would a club catering to homosexual men even HAVE a ladies' restroom?"
- "But soft, what light through yonder front porch breaks? It is the east, and the insecure, suicidally depressed misandrist is the overhead light they shine in your eyes when you go to get a cavity filled."
- "After all, [menstrual blood]'s the only bodily fluid with some kind of stigma attached to it." *takes a sip of milk* "My semen is watery today."
- Just before that, when the tampon is first removed and held in front of The Man: "Those of you who aren't disgusted by this point... wait ten seconds."
- "Hi! I'm Jesus. Leave me out of this."
- "Speaking of Antichrist, here's an inexplicable humping scene."
- "Because all men are, have been, or will be gay prostitutes. I haven't found a suitable pimp yet, but I am working on it."
- He suddenly has an epiphany! The main character was going through a bad part of her life, and just needed a Sassy Gay Friend.
"She's a stupid bitch."
- Oancitizen considering it ludicrous that the protagonist of Perfume could enrapture people so heavily through scent alone... at least, until he considers Isaiah Mustafa.
- Kyle explaining the basis of the character Jean-Baptiste Grenouillenote
Kyle: In Süskind's novel, this is the key to his alienation: Jean-Baptiste Grenouille's sensory input cripples his emotional output, and so we see—Kyle: [astounded] Oh my God he's Daredevil!
- "HE IS JESUS!!!"
- Movie is explaining that the protagonist will not only prove he's someone but prove he's exceptional. Cut to Oancitizen, singing:
- Lampshading the protagonist's being a walking Mentor Occupational Hazard by saying this about leaving a cave: the cave was later shot in the stalactites during a 3 a.m. drug store robbery.
- "Oh bite me Eponine!"
- "Ow! Not like that!"
- Anything regarding the perfume-instigated orgies ("He could go to all the major European capitals and cause them to collapse due to severe in-breeding!")
- "So Pigpen takes his hot corpse and puts her in a giant vat, which makes her look like wounded Luke Skywalker. Or, perhaps more accurately, Piss Christ."
- The ending of the Gerry review has Oancitizen very slowly walking to the kitchen as Diamanda Hagan, Allison Pregler, Apollo Z. Hack and Derek of Audible Underwear hack his feed. Apollo and Derek try to shut it off, Allison starts having Gerry flashbacks, and Hagan keeps insisting on just solving the problem by nuking D.C. ("I've always wanted an excuse to nuke a major world capital!")
- The Book of Exodus had less wandering through the desert!
- Giving the audience a break from the terrible movie — by showing a video of a cockatoo dancing to bad Hip-Hop. Specifically Whip My Hair by Willow Smith.
- Oancitizen's singing different songs over the pair of Gerrys marching was hilarious! Including Do You Hear the People Sing.
- The fake movie trailer: "This summer. Damon. In. The Bourne Monotony, Rated PG-13."
- Allison aka Obscurus Lupa appears at the start and just stares at him. She warns him off the movie, but is driven away by his condescension.
Oan: Lupa...? Please come back?
- After a three-minute shot just following a car, it starts to sink in:
- This gem.
So, "Gerry" is now "Smurf."
- "Gerry Damon walks towards the highway like his diaper is full and the movie ends with in a stranger's car."
- "Gerry is owned by My Cactus."
- In his review of Ken Park, the slutty Asian girl, Peaches, is with her white boyfriend Curtis, both in their underwear and her tying him to her bed, ready to get it on, Curtis staring at her crouch and says "Jesus Christ" in awe. Cue Peaches' very religious father driving home.
Oan!Peaches' Father: I heard that Curtis!
- Also Oancitizen's slowly fading hopes that a sex scene with "some weaselly little pissant" and the mom of his girlfriend was just a dream and not real.
And he wakes up! ...He wakes up! ...I'm going to assume that cut symbolizes him waking up.
- His freaked out reaction to a scene of a teen preforming auto-asphyxiation on himself as he masturbates to a tennis game on TV while his grandparents play tennis at the same time.
Oan: DEAR GOD, IS THIS SCENE IN REAL TIME?!?! STOP THAT! You'll go blind! I'LL go blind!
- "IS EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN THE FILM A LOATHSOME CAD?!"
- The couple of references to The Wire are basically perfect. "Is that Ziggy Sobotka? How much you want to bet he takes out his wang here too?" "No, you idiot, that's how D'Angelo Barksdale died!"
- The description of the "Sex Not Bombs" room:
Oancitizen: She's watching numerous people engage in simultaneously pleasurable experiences of a sexual nature.O RLY? Owl: O RGY?Oancitizen: YA RGY!
- This guy apparently learned his oratory skills from Ferris Bueller of Illinois.
- "It makes as much sense as a pairing between Jefferson Davis and Ulysses S. Grant." *beat* "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no--"
- It then cuts to a reading of such a story, set to the main theme from Ken Burns' The Civil War.
- "...Dicks. Dicks everywhere."
- "All out for Fort Stinkindesert!"
- "This man is a genius!"
- "Playing with the Boys" over a naked proto-volleyball game, as if it hadn't got enough Ho Yay.
WR: Mysteries of the Organism
- He says that the soundtrack for a sex scene is probably the worst lovemaking soundtrack since John Philip Sousa. And then promptly shows the scene set to a Sousa march to show how accurate that is. There's just something funny about watching people having sex to Stars and Stripes Forever. And there's a Genius Bonus when you realize that the couple having sex are communists in the former Yugoslavia, so yeah, irony.
- When the character Milena gets to a point in a speech at which she says that children ought to be more exposed to and encouraged to dip into sexuality, he points out that those children she's talking about would later go on to make A Serbian Film.
What is It?
- "Ah, yes, Botticelli's The Birth of R. Crumb."
- His continued attempts to find the symbolism behind the snails.
- NAKED NAZI SHIRLEY TEMPLE MASTURBATING WITH A RIDING CROP!
- The utter madness of the closing sketch.
- "I can't mock this! I... (look of sudden realization) I can't mock this. I can't mock this! Crispin Glover, you tactical genius!"
- "It's so tempting to manipulate this image."
- "Sir Sean Connery, Lover, Fighter, MIME!"
- Sean Connery is looking for answers:
Zed: I want the truth!
Oan: The truth is something you cannot handle! [beat] I screwed it up. Shit!
- The end of the review: "How did I miss!?"
- His reaction to The Reveal that Zed's religion was based on The Wizard of Oz, after listing off increasingly obscure religions and philosophers.
Kyle: The Wizard of... oh, wait- OH! OW!Zed: The Wizard of Oz. Zardoz.Kyle: AAAAUGH!Zed: The Wizard of Oz was a fairy story about an old man that frightened people with a loud voice and big mask.
- His ultimate conclusion regarding the type of audience that might enjoy the film the most: potheads. Because damn it all, he's right.
We Are The Strange
- Calling it Scott Pilgrim vs. Rational Thinking
- His interpretation of eMMM's charades:
"Take this quarter, feed it to me, then do the monkey. That way we can stomp grapes and make wine."
- Every time he calls back to the notes Roo of the Clan of the Gray Wolf took for him.
Roo: I... took notes...Kyle: [enthusiastically] Oh good man! [snatches]
- He brings up how the movie took cue from two styles of anime. The calm kind (showing a calm scene from Spirited Away) and the "what-the-fuck" kind (showing a scene from Garzeys Wing).
- "Ah, yes, this is what Campbell would've called (the villain suddenly rises from apparent death) - this is what Campbell would've called the 'Jason Voorhees is not dead' moment."
- "So yes Virginia, this is a feminist movie. That's why there's only one female character."
- He points out the Nineties synth strings playing over the lesbian 3-way and how they'd sound like something Richard Norton and Cynthia Rothrock would fight to. Cut to... Richard Norton and Cynthia Rothrock fighting, then getting distracted by the lesbian 3-way.
- Also, Cynthia Rothrock is voiced by Allison Pregler.
- FIRE DOWN BELOW!
- The opening, where he reads a book called "Feminism & Pornography"... and then turns it on the side like he's actually reading a porn magazine.
- This bit from the beginning:
"It's a terrible stereotype that the French are much hornier than other nations...""... but it's a stereotype that has some basis in fact...""... French culture is quite open when it comes to sexuality...""... they're famously blase when it comes to talking about sex and are more willing to discuss taboos...""...at least compared to most Americans."*Picture of Oancitizen*
- "If you can guess what any of that means, please send your answers to email@example.com for a chance to win a prize."
- The entire "Cockblockeon The Magnificent" segment.
"Arousal killed yet?"
- It involves suddenly shifting to My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.
- The Running Gag of garbled trucker lingo in response to the inexplicable radio messages, including singing along to C.W. McCall's "Convoy".
- "She said 'Triumph of the Will'. We're barely into the first act and we've already gone full Godwin."
- Oancitizen losing his shit when the movie decides to show Stock Footage of a Soviet atrocity.
- During a particularly bizarre scene of a naked man acting like a baby while a clothed man straddles him and attempts to do...something, Oancitizen decides to cut to "something more pleasant". Cue footage from Battlefield Earth.
- His rant at the end towards the other members of That Guy with the Glasses for being sheltered:
You! The Garbage Pail Kids Movie? At least the vomit was fake! You! Showgirls? At least the sex scenes were funny! You! Pocket Ninjas? Robert Z'Dar never got naked in front of those kids! All of you! The Last Airbender? Shyamalan didn't intercut his battle scenes with actual war footage! You! E.T. the Porno? ...well, you've got me there.
- Oan suggesting that Miss Canada's glowing... area is stored in Marsellus Wallace's briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
- In regards to Anna having sex with the sailor on the deck of her ship, in public view: "Despite what you may have heard...even in Amsterdam, you can't get away with this."
- "I live three blocks from the red light district, and I think you're being gross!"
- After the Texan remarks that in marrying, he's gained a woman who's also a sanitation system, it cuts to Oan air-guitaring and singing 'Your body is a sewage plant' to the tune of John Mayer's "Your Body Is A Wonderland".
- After Miss Canada receives a golden shower from her husband (who has a golden penis), he cuts to a scene from Austin Powers in Goldmember for the obvious joke.
Goldmember: Hey, everybody, I'm from Holland! Isn't that weird?Kyle: (in Dutch) Kiss my dirty asshole, cancer-suffering nutbag.
- "Look, one! ONE! RATIONAL! SELF AWARE! HUMAN! BEING! THAT IS ALL! I ASK!"
- The opening speech, which uses more terms for sex than you even thought were possible.
- The fanfare when he finally finds a parallel between the sex scenes and the boyfriend being a glaciologist.
- "I wish I could tell my 5th grade self that for my job I would watch hours of sex and be bored by it."
- He describes the typewriter being melted and reforged "by the finest Elven smithies into Mugwump, Flame of the West!"
- "Maybe you oughtta try your hand at writing pornography." "I tried. Nobody liked my Final Fantasy VII Slash Fic. Apparently, people think eating poop is weird."
- After Roy Scheider "comes out" of Fadilah: "All you people who saw Jaws must be freaking out. And all you people who saw All That Jazz must be shrugging your shoulders."
Twilight Of The Ice Nymph
- "BECAUSE! TREES!" That counts as an in-universe CMOF; Kyle literally falls out of his chair laughing.
- His ostrich voice, and later apologizing for it.
The Man Who Fell to Earth
- "He's a man from MAAA-oh, God DAMN that's high!"
- "'Cause heeeeeere is a movie with a message. Soooorry that it's theeeeere. But it has some nudes, so if that does it for you..."
Woman: You know, you're not at all like my father.Oancitizen: (to the tune of "Fame") Pain.
- Unfortunately, the first sex scenes we see involve Rip Torn. Subtitle: "...I'm so sorry."
- When Thomas spaces out while seeing members of his race, Mary-Lou calls out to him. "Tommy? Tommy?" Oancitizen sings "Tommy, Can You Hear Me?" for a few bars before realizing his mistakenote and abandoning it.
- "GUN Sex!" The best part about this is his look of confused WTF as he tries to figure out what is going on and why it is even there in the first place.
- Calling in JewWario, The Nostalgia Chick, Todd in the Shadows and Obscurus Lupa to do a cover of "Magic Dance". The best part is JewWario back in his Jareth costume.
- PRETENSION NIRVANA
- He expects one of the humpers to start a 90 minute Star Wars review. "OH MY GOD! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE!"
- Later on, when a slurring old man appears, he says that he wasted the Mr. Plinkett joke.
- When he sees a man tell a blatantly homophobic "joke" that has no real punchline, he tells a "joke" in a similar style that mocks the movie.
So this idiot made a movie about people that society rightly rejected on an old VHS camera, and he sold it, and people think he's some sort of visionary.
- "So, these guys are like Henry David Thoreau crossed with The Joker... I would've guessed they were the Bloods crossed with the Progeria Support Group, but whatever."
- After a while, Kyle makes a discovery: the cameraman trash humper is played by Harmony Korine himself. This leads to Kyle making an impassioned declaration:
Kyle: (fast, slightly panicked) Listen, Korine, if I ever meet you in real life, I will end you. (starting to tear up) I will take apart your camera and feed it to you, you will suffer, I swear to God... Our words are backed with nuclear weapons, I- (breaks down sobbing)
- "I'd tell this movie to eat my shit, but I'm afraid it might actually be into that."
- The ending, where "Make it, make it, don't fake it" gets stuck in Kyle's head. Followed by him getting in bed with his garbage bin.
The Doom Generation
- Oancitizen taking his Running Gag involving milk to new heights by "reenacting" the scene where one of the characters jerks off, cums in his hand, then licks it off. He then turns to the camera and says in the most upbeat voice possible, "Scene!"
- '90s Kid shows up. "Oh God, I forgot you existed."
- And then Oancitizen sends him away, broken and confused, by claiming that Nirvana was directly responsible for the formation of Nickelback.
- His cherry response to the first line in the movie (it's Rose McGowan saying Fuck!)
- "Hello, and welcome to We're-Too-Dumb-Not-To-Wear-Green-In-Front-Of-A-Green-Screen News."
- His increasing ire of the films motif with "666". His response to when Rose Mcgowan's character's cumulative SAT score is said to be 666 by a bunch of FBI guys.
Me And You And Everyone We Know
- One scene with the two brothers on an internet sex chat drove Oan to play clips of "The Human Spider"
- After the art curator says that we wouldn't have the Internet without AIDS, Oancitizen goes on a long, detailed explanation of the military and commercial origins of the Internet. He then says, "But, y'know... your explanation works, too."
- "...I guess my opinion will just oscillate between those two view points. Back and forth. Forever." *cheerful wave* "Byeeeeee!"
- Describing the film's sudden, out-of-place lines of overly pretentious dialogue as "profundity bombs," complete with whistling and explosion sound effects.
The Brown Bunny
- His comments on the folk-heavy soundtrack, to which he says, "I'm not sure this soundtrack is working. Change it up." Cue the opening music from Birdemic.
Kyle: "Oh yeah. I went there."
- His growing look of horrific realization when Gallo drives through the salt flats where Gerry was filmed.
- "He [Gallo] picks one [a prostitute] up and he does terrible, nasty things to her - he buys her a McDonald's lunch, the BASTARD!"
- (to the tune of Old Susanna) Ha-haha-haha-haha-haha-haha-haha, JOKE." With the word "joke" said completely straight-faced and deadpan.
- Experience BJ!
- "What's that, Mr. Squirrel? What do you mean, 'Chaos reigns'?"
- His attempt at seeing the movie with the mind of a child, ending in a high pitched WHAT THE FUCK?!?
- So the moral of this film is 'Children are sociopathic morons'. Good for you!
- "Her mother is played by Jennifer Tilly, in a role which, 30 years earlier, would have been played by Terry Jones."
A Serbian Film
- His take on The Aristocrats joke, down to subverting the punchline.
- Just his dumbfounded look at the very beginning of the review.
- The end. Just the end. After he finishes his review, the rage he's managed to suppress results in him getting a pretty nasty nosebleed before he snaps.
- "Seriously, I'm evil Ed Glaser."
- "Haha! His name is Fuckmir!" in the middle of his plot summary.
- Kyle manging to get through the entire movie with his sanity intact and giving a through and thoughtful analysis of it... Then completely losing it at the end and trying to get NATO to bomb Serbia off the map.
- The NATO guy's deadpan rant: "And you're getting your panties in a bundle just because some angry young Serb went and made a horror film that's actually horrifying, you sheltered little boob."
- Then to prove just how crazy the movie made Kyle, he later asks for fictional bombs to be dropped on them and still acts like a total mad man about it, reveling in his "revenge".
Hamlet The Vampire Slayer
- Allison/Lupa offhandedly mentions Shakespeare, and Kyle hears it... from the other side of the hotel.
Lupa: I've been reviewing horrible movies for far too long. Today, I'm gonna treat you to something classy; something artistic. Today, I'm treating you... to Shakespeare.[Lupa explaining the gist of the movie, followed by a scene of Kyle booking it from one end of the hotel to the other.]
- Pretty much any scene where Kyle's classical theatre training and high-brow remarks blow right past Lupa, but his first scene with her is the winner:
Kyle: How blessed am I in my just censure, in my true opinion! Alack, for lesser knowledge! how accursed in being so blessed! There may be in the cup a spider steep'd, and one may drink, depart, and partake no venom, for his knowledge is not infected: but if one present the abhorr'd ingredient to his eye, make known how he hath drunk, he cracks his gorge, his sides, with violent hefts. I have drunk, and seen the spider. There is a plot against my niche, my show; all's true that is mistrusted: thou hast usurped my art! And I remain a pinch'd thing; yea, a very trick for you to play at will! [noteLupa: ...you drank a spider?!
- "So I heard you're watching Hamlet..."
- "Incest Joke!"
- The blooper reel of the review is almost as funny as the review itself. Kyle just can't keep a straight face when Lupa says "It's funny because it's poop!". They try her repeating it over and over so that he gets used to the beat of it ("Again!"), and Lupa tells him to "think of the most horrible thing you can think of" which results in Kyle first putting on a really serious face... and then cracking up again.
Flesh For Frankenstein
- The opening, where he's reading from the original novel but it's pretty clear he's quoting Young Frankenstein. "My grandfather's work was doo-doo!" In fact, the whole review is peppered with Young Frankenstein references, and why the hell not? It's the funniest Frankenstein movie ever.
- Censoring a pair of breasts with the "nice knockers" scene from Young Frankenstein
- Also, "Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found yooouuu!!" in the sex scene.
- The return of the subtitles.
- Frankenstein gets stabbed in the galbladder. Oan's response? "Quick, fuck it!"
- Oan, on Otto attempting to screw the female zombie:
Willhepicktherightonewillhepicktherightone—NO! I'm sorry, that's the wrong hole!
Otto Or Up With Dead People
- Kyle getting repeatedly disgusted at two brothers who have sex with each other.
- His reactions to seeing both Richard O'Brien and "Little Nell" Campbell. Kyle even notices O'Brien is technically doing "the time warp" when showing the Queen the future of her kingdom.
- The entirety of Kyle's reaction to Old Man Hitler.
Kyle: WHAT'S HITLER DOING IN THIS MOVIE?! HOW AND WHY DID HE GO TO DORSET?!
Anonymous is a Pile of Crap
- Oan and Ven Gethenian completely eviscerate the Roland Emmerich film Anonymous. The review is one long Moment of Funny, as well a Crowning Moment of Awesome. The best and funniest parts of the review are Ven's expressions as Oan describes the utter insanity they saw on screen.
- Kyle asks Ven what he thought of the movie. He replies with a Face Palm. "Good answer."
- The Big "WHAT?!" at the massive Timey-Wimey Ball the writers painted themselves into.
- Ven's Eureka Moment.
Ven: "Hey. *snaps fingers* You remember how I started out saying that what this guy's gonna do, he should be blowing up planets, instead he blows the globe. He actually does that!"Kyle: (false-slaps him)
- Both Oan and Ven break down when they realize that the movie had a built-in escape mechanism by presenting its plot as an in-universe play. Oan then recites Puck's closing monologue from A Midsummer Night's Dream as he tries to put himself back together.
- The whole review. Seeing a half-awake Oancitizen phone it in is freaking brilliant.
- "We doing the thing? [camera nods "yes"] Oh, fuck."
- "Uh, read, read, read, um... ...Slacker?"
- "Am I talking a lot of bullshit? [camera nods "yes"] (snickering)"
- The ending song.
- "LECTURE ALERT!" ("Did you know the makers of the Continuity Alarm did personalized versions?")
- Given the cast is filled with ethnic types, the Captain Planet summon.
- Discussing a character named Luigi brings up the other Luigi...
- "Damn, that's like the Michael Phelps of elephants." *pause* "Michael Phelephant."
Goodbye Twentieth Century
- "Also, Kano found Jesus." CHRISTIANITY
- Everything about the funeral scene. EVERYTHING. From the Steve Jobs joke (complete with victory pose and Too Soon disclaimer) to the EPIC Big Lipped Alligator Moment that occurs shortly afterwards. The utterly dumbfounded look on Kyle's face doesn't even begin to describe it.
- Kyle's "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer about when he saw the film for the first time.
"True story: when I first saw this film, I tweeted what I saw, and someone on Twitter responded, 'Are you reading aloud from a trollfic?'"
- "Nazi Harry Dumbledore just punched Santa in the face. Nazi Harry Dumbledore just punched Santa in the face."
The Dork Ages: My Eighth Grade History Project (done in the style of Pop-Up Video)
- I think this girl agreed to help me with this project out of pity.She has since gone on to found a non-profit organization that supports girl's soccer in South Africa.I have since gone on to squirt corn syrup up my nose, hump a trash can and scream "fuck" on the internet.I have made good life decisions.
- SECOND TAKES ARE FOR THE WEAK!
Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai
- Mistaking hip hop producer RZA for "Royal Zoological Administration".
- "You know me, I'm The Rap Critic!"
Oan: Oh, right, yes. And what do you do?
Rap Critic: [stares]
- Watching a cool gunfight whilst eating a bowl of popcorn: "Holy sh- this is still art, right?"
- Condensing his analysis of the film into rap over an instrumental of Wu-Tang Clan's "C.R.E.A.M.".
- "Which is totally an apt analogy, and not just a lame excuse to name-drop Monet like the stuck-up douche that I am."
- Launching into a Yo Dawg meme upon seeing the scene with the dog in it.
- "Wait, I thought you already reviewed The Brown Bunny."
- The Rap Critic actually giving a rating to Kyle's rap.
Rap Critic: Eh, [shrugs] 2 out of 5.
The Discovery of Heaven
- "And we have a title!"
- Pointing out how strange it is for Communists to play Bach at a rally.
- Stephen Fry proves that among his many talents... he can't dance.
- "Heaven falls into panic because... an actual discovery of Heaven may restore faith in God... Which they don't want for some reason... This might have been better explained in the book."
- The running gag of showing Stephen Fry's Twitter page was already great, but the best use of it has to be:
How did you know I was in Rome?(Cut to Twitter page) ZOMG I found a gelato place with a view of the Colosseum! Rome = win!]
- Oancitizen getting the klaxon.
Angels in America
- He declares the end of "Millennium Approaches" to best the "Best. Cliffhanger. EVER." It then cuts to the cliffhanger of "The Best of Both Worlds, Part I."
Better than that. Pfft. Nerds.
Shakespeare, Film and Kenneth Branagh: A Retrospective
- "It says I'm supposed to poison him? That's boring—EAT CHANDELIER, BITCH!"
- "IT SURE AS HELL WASN'T SPAIN!"
- "Oh, my God, Emma, be my bride! Oh, excuse me..."
- How long was his review of Andy Warhol's Vinyl? EXACTLY 15 minutes. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- After talking about how the actors were likely dragged there tired and stoned, with no time to rehearse and no solid direction from Warhol: "By the way, the fourth year shoot was fun."
- The build-up to the reveal that it's an adaptation of A Clockwork Orange is just perfect pacing.
- "Instead of begging and screaming about the horrors he's being subjected to, he describes the films with all the passion of a man who just discovered that Lex Luthor once stole forty cakes."
- Kyle is puzzled that anyone would find Oliver Reed so attractive when he's a 'round faced dark haired snobby guy with prominent facial hair', and even more puzzled when he shows some of the female reviewers a picture of Oliver Reed, and they all swoon.
Kyle (Staring at the picture in shock) I must only use this power for good.
- Even Diamanda Hagan is not immune to the Reed. Kyle is more terrified than puzzled by that.
- Also, Allison and Diamanda's reactions to Kyle asking for confirmation that they are indeed women before showing them the picture.
- Diamanda's baffled response—"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"—is funnier in context: when she was first accepted at Channel Awesome, some viewers expressed confusion about her gender.
- Also Hilarious in Hindsight considering he didn't ask JesuOtaku the same question, since he has come out as trans.
- "Hmm..what's a good word here?"
- The whole censorship of the 'Rape of Christ' scene, cutting between the aghast expression of the priest in the film and a sign reading 'Orgy of nuns rubbing themselves on a statue of Jesus'. With increasingly quick close ups, to echo the epileptic editing of the film.
- Going further with the aforementioned orgy scene: "Good lord these nuns are stacked!"
- "Oh, how do you solve a problem like hysteria?"
- "...the whole thing was a clusterfuck." *shot of nuns disrobing* "And speaking of clusterfucks!"
- And his use of this nun stock image◊ as the scene's Gag Censor.
- That image is now the thumbnail for this very page when you do a search... somehow it all seems fitting.
- After a clip of Grandier defending himself with a dead crocodile against a sword-wielding man: "Okay, that requires context. (Beat, then smile.) I don't feel like giving it."
- "I... don't know how to love him..."
- "What's black and white and shuddering all over?"note
- "The walled white city of Loudun, which, tangentially, would also make an awesome level in Portal."
- AND NOW, THE MOST OBVIOUS JOKE I COULD POSSIBLY MAKE.
- "The Mother Superior, Sister Jean, is... (Beat) ...What's a classier word for "bat-shit"?"
- "NUN PILE!"
W: The Movie
- "And at the end of the day, it's pretty hypocritical of me to bash a goofy little internet-distributed movie with cheap special effects and a lot of green-screening... Wink."
- Michael Moore, driving around Washington D.C. with a megaphone shouting "Hey! Listen!"
- Immediately after stating that he wants to stay even-handed politically, he tears into George W. Bush without a hint of hesitation.
[beat]...Well, that didn't go well...
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
- Every appearance of Crispin Glover has him with a snail pasted over his face and referred to as "the guy I don't like to talk about."
- He gives the movie two thumbs up, with hot dogs tied to his thumbs.
- Talking about his difficulties in doing research on the story's philosophy: "Doing a Google search of 'lesbian cowgirls'...didn't help me."
- His comparison of the main character's thumbs to Torgo's knees.
- Ven pops in and starts bitching about Miranda July while Oan pushes him right out of the frame as he continues.
- PAW PAW!
- Eventually, Oan gets so tired of Paw Paw's shrill voice, that he calls Allison to replace her narration for the rest of the movie....which he immediately regrets when she starts taking liberties with the script.
- His realization that he may have just made a cute cat video.
- A very clever censorship joke involving a former associate-director of the FBI.
- Kyle expresses surprise that Emily Browning can and has been typecast as something narrow as "girl who gets exploited by older male figures while unconscious." Even more so considering she was almost cast as Bella from Twilight, and that had the infamous sleepwatching scene...
- Oan's reaction after woken up by Lucy slamming the chair onto the table.
- When a random male character gives a speech directly to the camera, Kyle first freaks out at the thought that the guy is talking to him, and once the guy shuts up, a crowd of Kyles start cheering and have a fight when one of them says 'encore'.
- The Stinger: Ven Gethenian drawing Sharpie dicks on Kyle's face while he sleeps!
- Oan demonstrates his love for The Passion of Joan of Arc by stroking the DVD box... then kissing it... then tonguing it.
- The horrors of stop-motion animation are portrayed by Gumby (scared reaction), Gromit (scared reaction) and the White Rabbit from Alice (non-reaction).
- Trying to figure out how a woman would "fly" with a fat monk... and then cutting to Baron Harkonnen flying, a scene which is somehow even funnier in black and white.
- Kyle's face when the Devil starts churning butter evilly.
- The banana bit.
- Even better? Apparently, when it was filmed (the footage being ran backward for the bit), Kyle deep throated the banana.
- "Satan fathers an ENTIRE STRING OF DOCTOR WHO VILLAINS!"
- The ending. The film's "The End" card displays the word "Slut", and Kyle, in response, flips it off.
- Kyle's reaction to learning that Shia La Boeuf will be doing actual unsimulated sex in Von Trier's next movie: "Am I looking forward to that? In the words of Mr. LaBoeuf himself: No, no no, no no no no, no no..."
- After he references in a row Idiocracy, Community and South Park: "I somehow just referenced 3 pieces of middle-brow American comedy reviewing a Danish high-brow art film. I don't know if it says more about me, the movie or American comedy"
- The whole episode, he tries not saying who the director is as having your name credited for directing it is a major no-no in the Dogme 95 movement, opting to call him "Depressertron Van der Nazipants" instead. Then when describing that one of the main characters is the avatar of the director, Lars von Trier, he mistakenly says his name, resulting in a quick "Son of a bitch!"
- The "Word Of The Day" segment, complete with Call Back to his review of Shortbus.
- The ending has him attempt Dogme 95, including a parody of the final scene from the movie. He immediately gets a call from Channel Awesome HR director Holly Brown telling him he's suspended.
- Using "Dare To Be Stupid" as the closing music.
Vase De Noces
- The entire ending of the review, in which the Snob and Phelous get pissed at Oancitizen for beating them to the review—and he counters by shaming them by pointing out that they're fighting over the right to watch a movie about pigfucking.
- Also the Cinema Snob and Phelous talking about bad movies as if they were an exhaustible resource like fossil fuels.
- Phelous keeps calling Kyle "Ralph," while the Snob refers to him as "Mini-Me" at least once.
- While listing the alternate titles, we get an angry Big Word Shout when it goes to THE PIG FUCKING MOVIE!
- Also, this marks the point where Kyle breaks his usual calm, analytical style. Then he flips out and begins a Cluster F-Bomb, including dissing everyone in the credits. ("FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND THE PIG YOU FUCKED IN ON!")
- The first actual scenes of pig sex we see in the review are censored by the DVD cover for Gordy, and tastefully underscored with "Pig Power in the House".
- His potshots at the analogue synth instrumentals.
Oan: ♪Butterfly in the sky, I can fly twice as high. Take a look, it's in a book, pig-fucking movie♪Sesame Street Martians:Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! Pig-fucking, pig-fucking, pig-fucking, yipyipyipyipyip!
- Playing the 2 Girls 1 Cup music during the "poop tea" scene. Hell, everything about his "No. Just... No" Reaction to this is gold.
"Behold the closest I will ever get to reviewing Salo!........MANGIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
- Also a callback to the infamous Hamlet The Vampire Slayer review, and especially the bloopers:
"It's funny because it's poop!"
- After finishing the movie, he plays the most appropriate clip possible.
Porky Pig: Th-th-that's all folks!
- Before screaming "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"
- "Music from 2 Girls 1 Cup by Satan Himself"
- The montage of clips from various media (Clerks II, Whose Line Is It Anyway Torchwood, Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, Fox News Channel, Louis C.K. stand-up, and South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut) to demonstrate that the use of bestiality as shock value has lost its effect due to it frequently being used as Black Comedy. It just keeps going.
- "This of course symbolizes that the director wants this film to be symbolic fuck this I'm not reading into this."
- The fact bestiality is really bothering Kyle. "It's this hellish light that illuminates every other aspect of this film! Everything else is pig fuck tinted! And it doesn't matter how much classical music gets played!" [sings] "Here we come a-pig-fucking among the leaves so green..."
- "Dominique Garny has a farm... E-I-E-I-OH?"
- "Mazel tov! Is it kosher to say 'mazel tov' to a pig? Is it even appropriate to think if something is kosher regarding this movie?"
- His rant about the film's terrible science is hysterical, especially the bit about the titular planet behaving like a tourist. Quickly undercut by Film Brain chewing him out for ignoring the fact that the emotion is more important than realistic physics and giving Oan shit for nitpicking, but still.
- The two planets flirting with each other. Then they kiss, and the impact kills everything on Earth.
- "Lars Von Trier, God help us, is trying to be funny."
- (As Dunst's cleavage is in prominent view) "Flashing back to before two large round objects smashed into each other... sorry, I don't know why I phrased it like that."
- "I wish there was a sitcom starring Udo Kier." U's Do Boss!
- Oancitizen imagines Udo Kier walking past Melancholia looming on the horizon and spitefully ignoring it.
- "By the way, TV Tropes thinks I'm Catholic. Don't know why."
- "Meanwhile, across the vast far reaches of space, the Zorblon empire receives the first transmissions of the gang-bang scene from The Idiots. It is decided there and then that the human race would not be allowed to live."
- Ven telling Kyle that he's going to draw title card!Kyle with huge tits, because "Kirsten Dunst has awesome tits."
- "Yes, son! And if you look closely you can see all the native Melancholians pointing and laughing at us!"
- Whose fault is it at NASA for naming the planet the most depressing name possible? Why, Mohawk Guy.
- And the list of rejected names includes "Happy Fun Ball" and "Planet Smurf".
- Oan: It's just nice talking to people.
Caller: I WANNA PUT CIGARETTES IN YOUR BUTT!
Oan: Nine times out of ten, it's nice talking to people.
- Oan: Wait, wait—you're an actual, published critic in your chosen field?That Opera Chick: Yes?Oan: And you want to get into internet reviewing?That Opera Chick: Is that rare?Oan: That's mythological.
- Oan giving a detailed breakdown of what he believes to be Kirsten Dunst's best moment as an actor: Sitting next to Lars Von Trier as he explains his Nazi heritage at length.
- Oan telling off an asshole caller.
Caller: Hey man, love your stuff.Oan: Why, thanks!Caller: I just don't get why you hang out with those other losers.Oan: Ha ha, fuck you they're my friends.
- Even though it's presented as a sign of Kyle's growing depression, his description of basically everyone on TGWTG.com as Muppets is hilarious.
To be clear he calls the Nostalgia Critic Kermit, the Nostalgia Chick is Miss Piggy, Linkara is Fozzie, Phelous is the Great Gonzo, Film Brain is Scooter, Welshy and Sad Panda are Statler and Waldorf, Todd is Rolf, Cinema Snob is Sam the Eagle, Elisa and Nella are Bunsen and Beaker, Paw is Dr. Teeth, Angry Joe is Animal, Diamanda Hagan is Uncle Deadly/Crazy Harry/Sweetums, Rap Critic is Clifford, Benzaie is the Swedish Chef, and ERod is... Jason Segel's Muppet brother for some reason.
- Going down the list of disaster movie signposts: "... and they don't have a cool-headed black president to explain... okay, they probably do have one of those."
- Oan telling Van out of the blue about the plot of a film about Marquis De Sade: where while in prison he has conversations with his three foot long penis. And is a dog. And a puppet.
- The bloopers have some hilarious moments too.
- It starts off with The Nostalgia Chick saying "Kyle" sounds weird after saying his name so many times, followed by JesuOtaku accidentally pronouncing it as something closer to "Kal-El... hero of Krypton."
- Ven asking Kyle to not shout 'Penis!' so loudly, especially not either A, in the direction of the nearby houses, or B, anywhere near the police station.
- Kyle pretending to be a zombie during his walk.
- The guy playing the fan say that he likes his stuff... but he doesn't know how to ad-lib. And he just had a hard time calling anyone bad things.
- When Hagan threatens to cut Oan's balls off again, the camerawoman remarks that "Under circumstances like these I would severely doubt the likelihood of Oan having children."
- Ven and Kyle suddenly start quoting Garfunkel and Oates's Sex with ducks at each other.
Camerawoman: ... the fuck are you quoting?
- The commentary for Melancholia contains the revelation that the line "I wanna stuff cigarettes up your butt" was actually said to Kyle by a Loony Fan.
- What news does Ven have as the commentary reaches the final monologue?
Ven: By the way, the Escargoancitizen people are now shipping snail-you with a blender.Kyle: WHAT?? WHAT? What.
- As the credits say "Here's to 50 more [episodes]."
Ven: Yay! I'm not fired.
- Kyle starts humming "Christmastime is Here" as we reach the scene where he walks through DC at night.
Kyle: It's amazing how easy it is to lay the Arrested Development music over this.
- What news does Ven have as the commentary reaches the final monologue?
- While Kyle opens the episode speaking in Dutch... a Dutch citizen off camera calls him out on his accent..
- And, for a brief second, Oan looks close to tears over this.
- The Stinger: It turns out to be his brother.
- Bonus points for the guy with the camera on Oan's right turning around in confusion.
- After explaining why he's in the Netherlands, Oan wonders what Dutch thing to talk about...
Kyle: Peter Greenaway! ...who's British... ...shut up, hear me out.
- When describing Greenaway's verbatim staging to mimic Rembrandt's paintings, it quickly cuts to George Sr. and Buster at the Living Classics Pageant.
- A little bit of the ol' Not Hyperbole comes up during a discussion on staging:
Kyle: (while outside) Look at Rembrandt's house, for example. ...no, really, look at Rembrandt's house. (points behind him... to Rembrandt's house) See, see there, that's it. See, you can do those things when you're on location, it's so neat!
- "...Dutch fans are gonna eat this episode up."
- "You get to see Martin Freeman's Bilbo and Baggins."
- He also decides to pander to Sherlock slash fans during those scenes by pasting Sherlock's head over the woman Martin Freeman is boning.
Kyle: Tumblr... here's a freebee.
- He sternly tells the audience to "stop giggling" at the name "Franz Banning Cocq", then uses Banning Cocq's image to censor a naked Rembrandt.
- "Hills? Hills." *Beat* *Cut to flat field* "Hills! In HOLLAND!"
- The "golden child" in Nightwatching is a child prostitute... played by a woman who embodies Dawson Casting. Kyle not only makes air quotes, he steps back to have the room to make giant air quotes.
- Summarizing Greenaway's somewhat conflicted descriptions of the two central figures of the painting:
"So Banning Cocq and van Ruytenburch are Gay Roman Satan and Horny Pimp Jesus."
- Kyle parodies the film's occasional "filler" theories by devising his own theory like a college student trying to raise the page count of his essay.
- Kyle snarks about the director's talk about "visual literacy" resulting in photoshop filters by showing off his own image with filters overlaid. When he gets to Line-Drawing, the background music becomes A-Ha's Take On Me.
- Kyle's Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick moment when describing how he grew up in Holland.
Kyle: This is the house where I grew up, these are the people who raised me, this is where I went to school, this is where I hung out on the weekends, this is where I first got drunk and touched a boob, a lot of memories.
- Mister Lonely is apparently Harmony Korine's worst film... because it's the most normal-looking.
- Also Ven: "Trash Humpers wasn't his worst movie?!"; "This sound like fanfic..." (he says this several times and finally quotes from said fanfic, hamming it up for good measure) and "I analyze it so you don't have to!"
- This bit:
Kyle: The nuns do work helping the poor, and Herzog gets in awkward, presumably improvised conversations with various people-You're probably wondering how this all ties in to the Michael Jackson storyline, aren't you? (Smiles at the camera for an uncomfortably long time)
- The impersonators introduce themselves one after the other in shoulders-up shots, with a background of clouds and the sky. After the tenth one, we get the "Congratulations!" sequence from the last episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
- After seeing the impersonators faces painted on eggs then turning into their real faces:
Kyle: Nothing I could say could make that stupider. ...well, okay, I could say this. ♪We are the eggmen! Goo goo g'joob, goo goo g'joob, goo goo goo!♪
- When a nun falls out of an airplane, the theme song from The Flying Nun is played.
- The very end where Kyle dresses up like Michael Jackson. Then The Stinger where Ven dresses up as Kyle.
- The part where the Marilyn Monroe impersonator hangs herself. Kyle stares at the screen, aghast and speechless. Then:
Ven: (pokes head into frame) ♪Goodbye, Norma Jeane / Though I never knew you at all...♪Kyle: (during the singing) WHOA! WHOA!
- Kyle's frequent assurances at the start that he will get to Spring Breakers is oddly hilarious no matter your opinion on the film.
- During Kyle's critiques of the impersonators:
Abe Lincoln Impersonator: I'm Abe fucking Lincoln.Kyle: Noooo comment.
- And once we get to Little Red Riding Hood:
Little Red Hiding Hood Impersonator: (flatly) Hello, I'm Little Red Riding Hood...
- And once we get to Little Red Riding Hood:
- After the Michael Jackson impersonator meets up with the others, Kyle says that they proceed to "I dunno, battle rap, or something"...
- The actual fanfic reading:
Ven: Should I read my fanfic?Kyle: Ummmmmmmm...[Cut to]
- When discussing the previous subjects of Harmony Korine's movies.
Kyle: Do I get brownie points for not calling them "white trash"?
Ven: [behind the camera] You literally just did.
- Oan and Ven's reaction to The Lone Ranger: a few seconds of despondent silence, followed by Ven muttering "stupid fucking white man."
- Ven interrupts an explanation to shove a cowboy hat onto Kyle. "Kyle! Wear a hat!" Kyle's stunned expression after he leaves is priceless; it's very clear that he's trying desperately to avoid Corpsing .
- Oan explains how "meditation on" is a buzzword used by critics to avoid calling something boring. Then uses his own joking example.
- After describing the staid, slow plot, Kyle pauses for a moment and then shouts, "YEE-HAW!" as a Western sting plays behind him.
- The use of the phrase "terrifying like an Aristocrats joke".
Room in Rome
- The Running Gag of stating the whole title anytime some says "room".
- Kyle lampshades how the viewer is likely more interested in the scenes of lesbian sex than they are about his lectures by shoving a sex scene out of the frame and resuming talking... while the audio from said sex keeps going.
Kyle: Oh, I'm sorry; did I interrupt your porn?
- Kyle muses that it might seem unfair of him to accuse the film of being Porn with Plot if it's trying to make an effort to tell two womens' story "buuuuuuuttttttttt... (cut to a shot of the womens' butts being accentuated by the camera)"
- Kyle struggles to define why the relationship in the movie doesn't quite feel right to him. First he suggests it might be because neither actress is speaking their native language, then possibly that it might be because both actress are straight (which Ven shoots down, as he doesn't know for certain their orientation).
Kyle: So what's wrong with the movie than?Ven: Maybe the dialogue just sucks?Kyle: *snaps* That's it!
- When discussing Blue Is the Warmest Colour, he talks about the graphic sex scenes, and says that while he can't show them, he can re-enact them. Cue a hand holding up an open pair of scissors, another hand doing the same and then both hands shoving the scissors against each other.
- Reacting to "Your skin is like the Russian Steppe."
Kyle: I can see tiny Cossacks riding over your pores. This skin tag looks like St. Basil's cathedral. Your stretch marks remind me of the aftermath of the Battle of Stalingrad.
- A Long List of reveals with a Scare Chord. Complete with innocuous ones and finishing with Kyle saying "I have a hang nail!"
- "Get out of the chair, fuzzy man. It's my turn."
- Kyle discussed the overused theme song, noting the strange pronunciation.
Kyle: "It sounds like she's saying Loving Stringers."
- Kyle's attempt to show how the film is one of a kind in genre gradually falls into an Overly Narrow Superlative.
Let's try an experiment. Name an African film. (The Lion King)
Okay, one that involves actual human beings. (Casablanca)
Okay, now one that's set in Sub-Saharan Africa, like the heart of Africa. (Out of Africa, The African Queen, Blood Diamond)
Okay, um, that one too. (Ernest Goes To Africa) ...who the hell suggested that-
Um, okay, let's try an African film that's not about a white guy. (District 9)
A human non-white guy, an actual black person in Africa. (Shaft In Africa)
An African person in Africa. (Coming to America)
A person in Africa who's from a real non-fictional African country. (Hotel Rwanda)
Okay, now one that's by an African director. (The Gods Must Be Crazy)
Alright, now one that's doesn't have any white people. (Tsotsi)
... it still has a white director. Okay, I'm talking about an African movie directed by a native African about native Africans in relationship to themselves. (The Lion King ??) Nooo...
- The Lion King also keeps popping up despite his efforts.
- His summary of the movie is scored with Star Wars music. He goes the extra mile and always puts appropriate tracks in the right spot.
- When the Hyena makes an appearance ("I never said this movie had a budget"), so do Mike and the Bots. "PAUL! You is a wirwulf!"
- When listing examples of (largely) benign American nationalism and the image of the quintessential American small town, he manages to slip in Night Vale and Columbia.
- The title card, which depicts Kyle breaking out cardboard boxes full of his old censor images in preparation for the review.
- Kyle starts the review in a basement, reading The Ethical Slut and throwing a ball at the wall repeatedly. As he starts talking about the director of Shame, one Steve McQueen, Ven has to tell him that it's actually a different Steve McQueen, and poor Kyle loses half his script.
Kyle: My personal favorite scene is where [Brandon] jumps a motorcycle over three hookers mid-orgasm, and then cries. ...Steve McQueen... Half. My script.
- Despite this, he stubbornly plays The Great Escape theme while describing McQueen's work.
- When showing a brief snippet of the scene where Sissy walks in on Brandon furiously masturbating, Kyle plays the song "Jackin' it in San Diego".
- "They're close, but not Targaryens."
- When discussing the question of 'Is sex addiction real?', he looks at a scene where the main character watched a cam girl and then went into the bathroom to masturbate.
- His subsequent diagnosis for when Brandon can't get it up for a coworker he actually loves (who is black) only to have wild sex with a random white woman a few minutes later.
Diagnosis: fear of commitment... or subconscious racism.
- During Sissy's ridiculously long rendition of "New York, New York", Kyle takes an opportunity to rant about how much he hates the song and how terrible New York is.
...so I live in New York now.
- While discussing how you can get addicted to anything, including StarCraft:
- Calling it a "Christopher Nolan film", due to the somber score and dark, moody aesthetic approach to an urban city.
Batman!Brandon!Kyle: Gotham. The city screams. I jerked it fifteen times today.
- Commenting on the "saddest threesome ever."
Droopy!Brandon!Kyle: I'm having a threesome. Boo hoo. Boo hoo.
- When bringing up the concept of "problem plays", Kyle mentions the TV equivalent: the Very Special Episode. This leads him to getting tripped up by a clip from "Life of the Party"note :
Kyle: (slightly confused; quietly) Drunk enough to fall off of a building, but sober enough to grab a ledge on the way- (looks up in thought) (shakes his head; throws up his hands) I don't review sitcoms...
- The promo art features versions of Kyle from all time periods, including the far future... where he has evolved into a giant snail.
- His descriptions of the story arcs:
- Kyle struggles to explain infinite recurrence in more concrete terms than Nietzsche's own prosaic description, while the author photo spins around wildly to the strains of "Also Sprach Zarathustra".
- Tom Hanks declares his fondness for playing Dermot Hoggins, because he got to "throw a critic off a balcony to his horrible crushing death!" Hanks is roaring with laughter the whole time he says this.
Kyle: He's the nicest guy in Hollywood. (starts crying)
- When Kyle decides that "stalling is over" and it's time to discuss the biggest of the film's Unfortunate Implications.
Kyle: Cloud Atlas has been accused of horribly insensitive, racist portrayals... of Scottish people. (clip of the pub fight from the Tim Cavendish arc) Buck-toothed, whiskey-swilling, soccer-obsessed gingers willing to start a fight at the drop of a ha-ha just kidding I am talking about yellowface.
- With its combination of stultifying autocracy and absurdly pervasive consumerism, Kyle argues that the dystopian future Korea, Nea So Copros, is the inevitable conclusion of the culturally opposite North and South amalgamating into each other again. This is represented by rows of soldiers marching in perfect formation - and a clip from "Gangnam Style".
- When Kyle claims that there isn't anything in the film version of the story not done before, he counters the inevitable argument by listing off countless films that used the same concepts. Set to the theme from Quantum Leap.
- The entire ending sequence, featuring Ven as David Mitchell in 2002, Lindsay, Elisa and Paw as Manhattan socialites in 1916, Ven again as Cassius Longinus in ancient Rome (with Kyle as some random kook bearing a stone tablet), and the whole gang as primitive cave-dwellers in prehistoric Lascaux.
The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover
- Kyle receiving meals from the offscreen waiter and talking with his mouth full throughout the review, deliberately reducing insightful commentary to incoherent mumbling.
- Kyle's summation of Peter Greenaway and his body of work, some of whichnote has been covered on the show.
"He is one of the most unique directors working today. He is delightfully idiosyncratic, remarkably pretentious, and I just... love him to bits. Ah call him Petey Greens."
- The extended "Basically, it's The Room" montage.
- Kyle compares one of Helen Mirren's costumes to that of Jeannie.
- Demonstrating how the costumes in the film often change colour to match the set dressing, Kyle shows a scene in which Georgina's dress goes from white to red as she walks from the bathroom to the hall - and splices in the Wololo of a converting priest from Age of Empires.
- The quote from The LEGO Movie that tops its page on this wiki is played and captioned with "Describes 70% of modern Hollywood films in a single sentence".
- When Albert is forced to eat Michael's cooked corpse, starting with the penis, Kyle starts vomiting uncontrollably but still takes the time to say "Shut up, it's art." before vomiting some more.
- Anytime Kyle says "BUUUUUUUUUUUTTS!". ("There's a motif here.")
Kyle: [Watching guys pour their drinks on a woman's very large breasts in slow-mo] Not every day you have to motion-track a nipple. [Ashamed] ...Unless you're me. This is the life I have chosen.
Alien: Bikinis and big booty, y'all, that's what life is about!Crowd: *cheers*
- This particular moment is great:
- Kyle's summation of television programs for pre-teens and teenagers, "That's so iWizards Sweet Life of Pretty Musical Liars... and Ferb".
- One scene is so perfectly, deliciously absurd (Alien playing a soulful Britney Spears piano ballad while the girls jump up and down on the bed, threaten people with machine guns and rob them blind, with Alien himself smashing a guy's face into a wedding cake) that it's relegated to a small corner of the screen and left playing with the caption, "Best Scene Happy Place Corner".
- "So they faked it AND they made it? That's not how it works!"
- "Hare Skrillex, Hare Skrillex."
- Kyle's distress when the film uses "Lights" by Ellie Goulding in the end credits, as he likes the song.
- Kyle's reviewing the movie largely because it's in The Criterion Collection. While he becomes jealous of how Lena Dunaham's first film joined its acclaimed ranks, he's quick to point out that among those esteemed films are The Blob (1958), Armageddon, and Gojira.
- Halfway through the review, Kyle is pestered by Ven as "the Nietzschean Cowboy" (an Internet persona from the film) and tells him to leave. By the end, though, he decides to embrace it and tells him "I am the Nietzschean Cowboy" as do a ton of other fellow Internet reviewers. Special mentions to Tony Goldmark saying: "I'm Mal- I mean, I'm Spartac- I mean, I'm the Nietzschean Cowboy!" and Linkara pronouncing it as "the Neeshen Cowhow".
- The Nietzschean Cowboy mustache also tends to act oddly, whether by falling off while Ven is talking, or fluttering when Kyle breathes.
- The Stinger featuring Albus Mumblecore.
- When Aura asks a toddler on what she should wear for her date and gets a response back:
Kyle: *as Aura* Thanks emotional peer!
- On the subject of the recent crop of adult children in The New '10s, he has a lot to say about this one clip:
Aura: (Arguing with her mother) I am a young, young person who is trying VERY HARD!Kyle: (VO) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
"Well you know what they say: 23 is the new 5."
- And later, when he plays the same clip.
Romeo + Juliet
- Kyle's utter disbelief over the decision to give the guns brand names of swords, especially since guns existed during Shakespeare's time.
Kyle: (texting on his phone) Yeah, just give me a minute to place my wax seal on this letter so my courtier can send it.
- "Words words words words. Words words words words words words."
- His montage of actors screaming their lines is appended with "KHAAAANNN!!", "WILMA!", and the T. rex from Jurassic Park.
- A funny bit of Actor Allusion for John Leguizamo
Tybalt: Peash. Peash? I hate the word!Kyle: Ima ground schloth.
- Kyle keeps diminishing his compliment for the film.
Kyle: It's not a terrible retelling of the story. ...well, it hits the beats. ...well, you can understand the words. ...actually this makes no sense whatsoever.
- When mocking its reinterpretation of a oath and clan feud into a corporate rivalry.
Kyle: Hey, remember that time when Donald Trump's chauffeurs got into a knife fight with Warren Buffet's secretaries? Man, those Trump boys sure could bite a thumb!
- The film's depiction of the Capulets and Montagues are dubbed "El Mariachi versus the Burger King Kids Club."
- "For never was there a tale of more whoooaa than this of Juliet and her Romeo. ...I am so much better than that final line-"
- The Stinger with "Springbreak forevermore" sung in a faux-Shakespearian accent.
Much Ado About Nothing
- Kyle expresses his confusion that this was filmed during Joss Whedon's sabbatical during The Avengers. Followed by the "Shakespeare in the park?" scene.
Kyle: We are basically watching his vacation footage. (As Joss) Look at how awesome my house is.
- That's even funnier if you've heard Much Ado's directors commentary, as at least three points, Joss gushes about how much he loves his house.
- Kyle attempts his "Everyone quotes Shakespeare" Running Gag again, only to find he doesn't have a third clip quoting Much Ado this time. He gets around it by showing a clip from Arrested Development staging "Much Ado", even if no quotes from the play are said.
- Apparently Joss owns a "Whedon Signal" with which he can summon his actor friends.
- Noting all the drinking the characters do, Kyle comes up with a possible theory for the Idiot Plot of the play: they're all drunk!
Kyle!Don Pedro: So I gonna pwetend to be you and hwit on yer girlfriend and then she'll want your D and then- *hiccups* wedding! Yaaaayyyyy!
- Kyle tries in vain to analyze the scene on the poster of Claudio in a pool wearing a snorkel with a full martini.
- When assessing Clark Gregg's performance.
Clark Gregg as Leonato: Hath no man's dagger here a point for me?
- He defines Buffy Speak... in Buffy Speak.
Joss Whedon. He staged Shakespeare and stuff.
- The black extra with "JUDGING YOU" pasted over her head as Claudio delivers the often-cut "I'd hold my mind were she an Ethiope" line.
- The Stinger: "Grr. Argh."
- Kyle responds to the full bore Nazi regalia by singing "Godwin, Godwin, God-win" to a conga beat.
- Kyle squeeing over Ian McKellen, topped off by his statement at the end:
Kyle (deadpan): And I've got a crush on a child-killing Nazi. This month has gotten weird.
- "TANKS!!! TANKS!!! SHAKESPEARE WITH TANKS!!! I LOVE THIS!!!"
- Robert Downey, Jr. (as Rivers) is introduced as "that dude with the robot suit who makes all the money".
- Later, when he's murdered by Richard, Kyle quips the act makes Richard go "full supervillain".
- And he gets stabbed "right in the Arc reactor!" (Actually it's a bit too low for that, but...)
- "Why yes, I am going to bang your daughter. Drink?"
- When the Duchess of York calls out Richard in public for his atrocities.
Kyle!Richard: Geez, ma! Can't I just kill like eight or nine people in my bloody road to absolute power without you on my case? Gaah!
- After noting the film's references to other classic villains.
- Richard the Third Reich: Kyle wishes he thought of it.
- Kyle notes that Claire Davenport, who plays Caliban's mother Sycorax, also appeared in Return of the Jedi. Cut to Jabba the Hutt. (Kyle explains a moment later that she actually played the dancer Yarna d'al' Gargan.)
- Kyle's response to the conga line of sailors charging around to double-speed classical music.
... Play the music.
A Midsummer Night's Cream
- The censor pictures make a comeback, including Chandos's dignified portrait of Shakespeare used to cover a bare ass or the Globe Theatre blocking a lesbian orgy.
- Kyle's reaction upon seeing this production's version of Bottom.
"And of course, Titania bangs Bottom who has the head of a—— aaaaaaah! That's not a donkey, that's an Uruk-hai! Kill it before it gets to Helms Deep!"
- "But I'm including this movie for a reason. Tying back to my larger theme: The gradient of director/text relationships. [Scene from Romeo and Juliet] Selling the text. [Scene from Much Ado About Nothing] Delivering the text. [Scene from Richard the III] Interpreting the text. [Scene from The Tempest] Reworking the text. [Scene from this movie of two lead performers humping, censored with a black box labeled "Nekkid"] And now, exploiting the text."
- Kyle (unsuccessfully) trying to resist the urge to mock the porn stars' acting abilities.
Kyle: I mean, I understand why they cut the verse. They're not selling this movie on the strength of their performers' elocution. I mean, if they were then we'd just get a bunch of porn stars acti—(totally breaks down and starts laughing his ass off, but regains his composure) Sorry, sorry... Tough industry. It's a tough industry for them, they put up with a lot of shit already, so... Yeah. (clears his throat...then bursts out laughing again)
Kyle: The only two somewhat decent actors are the "starriest" porn stars. Evan Stone, AKA "Sir Laurence Porn-livier", has over a thousand credits to his name. Including the porn version of Batman, the porn version of Star Trek, and the needlessly expensive Pirates XXX series.
- His summation of the lead performer's acting career.
(plays a dramatic clip from Pirates XXX, where we see Evan Stone and his co-stars exchanging badly written jokes before facing an army of badly rendered CGI skeletons)
Kyle: Aw, that's cute! It thinks it's movies!
10 Things I Hate About You
- Kyle trying to explain how this movie is based on The Taming of the Shrew, including the title.
- Mocking the anti-feminist nature of the original Taming of the Shrew, as the ultimate victory over Katarina's willful nature is celebrated by the tossing of hats. Fedoras, to be precise (which have recently become associated with pick-up artists, Men's Rights Advocates and the like).
- In addition, when Kyle refers to the original version as 'Red Pill-ish', the video cuts to two goony-looking fellows in trilbys bobbling their heads.
- Kyle continues his theme of how works based on Shakespeare's plays use the text of the play they are based on. This work presents the text by ignoring it.
- "Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare! [...] On a related note; vaccines do not cause autism (Pseudoscience), Al-Qaeda did cause 9/11 (Outside Job), Americans walked on the Moon (Not A Soundstage), and the Queen of England is not a lizard-person. (Real,Corgi Loving Human)"
- Kyle's rage about the movie showing Christopher Marlowe, Thomas Dekker and Thomas Nash in utter awe at Shakespeare's ability to write an entire play in iambic pentameter.
"Alright, I need to explain how stupid this scene is: Jay-Z, Snoop Lion and the RZA all walk into a bar. Jay Z says 'Hey, you guys hear about this new kid, Kanye West?' And the other two go, 'Yeah, I've heard the name.' And then he goes 'Have you heard he raps rhyming verse to a beat?' And the other two go WHAAAAA-"
- Calling out Anti-Stratfordians by doing the same Wild Mass Guessing process of theirs with Roland Emmerich, trying to "discover" the director through the ideas and themes in Independence Day. He concludes that the "real" Roland Emmerich is a Jewish-American fighter pilot who dabbled in politics and electronics and never left the country (and is possibly a little homophobic). note
In conclusion, I demand that this Jewish-American, tech-savvy Air Force General come forward with his two kids and his stripper wife and his dog and his MacBook Pro and tell us why Roland Emmerich’s name is on his work!
- Sticking "THIS IS WHAT ANTI-STRATFORDIANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE" under the scene where De Vere finds out he had sex with his illegitimate mother, who just happens to be Queen Elizabeth I. Not only that, but the entire scene is put to the score of "Spanish Flea".
Queen Elizabeth: (Haughtily) I can do whatever I want!Kyle: Her Majesty, Eric Cartman the First!
- "Who wrote the plays William Shakespeare wrote? Was it William Shakespeare? IUNNO"
- "Anti-Stratfordians hate your freedom. I am not even joking about that."
- Assuring us that he shares our disappointment that J. Thomas Looney's name isn't pronounced like you'd think. (LOAN-ee, not LOON-ee)
- The numerous instances of Buffy Speak, including "poors can't art good" or "how can falcon if not posh?!"
- "So Oxford bangs Queen Elizabeth" (Facepalms for a long while)
Kyle: Also, FDR? Totally faking it. (picture of FDR's head photoshopped over a dancing Fred Astaire)
- During Kyle's explanation of the "Prince Tudor" theory and how autocratic it is, he proclaims at the end: "All hail Prince Tudor." Prince Tudor is depicted by none other than Joffrey.
- Kyle screams after seeing the film have Christopher Marlowe discover the conspiracy through viewing Hamlet, even though the real Marlowe died before it was ever staged.
- After a scene of Emmerich's Shakespeare being caught banging a whore.
Kyle: That illiterate lowlife has sex with prostitutes! Unlike this man [Earl of Oxford] who has never done anything bad with his dick ever!
- "Emmerich Expert Emerita - Lindsay Ellis"
Beauty and the Beast (Part 1)
- The opening number, which spoofs that of Disney's Beauty and the Beast, casts Kyle as Belle, Some Jerk with a Camera as Gaston...and, of all people, the Masked Slasher as Lefou.
Masked Slasher: Gah, that was an awesome shot, Jerk! Why, you've got to be the greatest white male Jewish overweight long-haired bespectacled theme park reviewer over thirty the world's ever known!
- SJWAC's Breathless Non Sequitur when first introduced:
- Kyle breaks from Belle's above-it-all attitude and starts a fight as soon as someone argues that the original story should be attributed to Beaumont instead of Villeneuve. He loses.
- SJWAC calling Kyle out for saying 'orphic' in Disney Land. "You watch your fucking mouth, we are in FUCKING DISNEYLAND MOTHERFUCKER!"
- When Ven wants to sing, Kyle saying that he refuses to write a subplot with someone who wants to sing but can't, as that's the only joke Doug ever does with him.
- He tries to impress Jerk and his backup singers with a shot from a Cocteau film of a man jumping out of the water.
Spazz: Kyle, it's water. How high are your brows?
- The Criterion Collection presents: Women Be Shoppin'.
- Kyle going on about the magnificent humanity evident in this version of the Beast...whilst Jerk notices he looks like a cat and takes the obvious tack, even bringing out a laser pointer after Kyle's monologue.
- In keeping with SJWAC's fondness for on-the-nose backgrounds, this bit takes place in front of the Mike & Sulley to the Rescue! ride. Kitty!
- SJWAC pointing out how silly it is for the film itself to tell you directly that you need to think like a child in order to watch it properly.
Kyle: His response to the bourgeoisie’s high-hat / Was to spell out his fairy-tale tone!SJWAC: Can't believe Michael Bay never tried that."Michael Bay": You know, kids think this movie makes sense."Kid": No we don't!
Beauty and the Beast (Part 2)
- They talk about how influential both versions were. And how if you think about it's an inherently messed up story about a woman choosing between two monstrous men (Gaston and the Beast), only to realize if Beauty and the Beast never existed, Twilight probably would have never happened. Cue SJWAC's Heroic B.S.O.D..
Jerk: How old is this tale?
- And Kyle's comment of "Oh crap he figured it out."
- This parody of the famous scene.
Kyle: Old as time.
Jerk: How long has it been as old as time?
- SJWAC freaking out when he sees the Beast('s jewellery) sparkling.
- Also his claim that "Every time I say that word and don't follow it up with 'Zone', somewhere a real vampire dies of cardiac arrest!"
- Kyle subtly implying that Andre Breton's hatred of Cocteau was rooted in the former's homophobia.
- Kyle pointing out that Breton called Cocteau "the most hateful being of our time" while Hitler was still alive.
- SJWAC calls Kyle out on why he likes Cocteau's version better than the Disney version ( "CAUSE IT'S FRENCH!"), to the tune of "Be Our Guest."
- Ven suddenly bursts into the song, demands Kyle and SJWAC give him a verse, only for them to point out they just did, after which Ven disappears again.
- This verse:
- The alternate lyrics to the song include a bridge about the sordid history of Disneyland Paris...and a verse about a murderous teapot uprising.
- The section on the French surrealism movement includes a ten-second countdown to the Eye Scream scene from Un Chien Andalou, with "THING YOU CAN'T UNSEE APPROACHING IN 10, 9, 8..." plastered across the screen in red.
Kyle: Sure, a man with a mouth on his hand is weird, but people a few theaters over could see a man SLICING A WOMAN'S EYEBALL IN HALF.
Beauty and the Beast (Part 3)
- Part 3's Previously On goes for the obvious West Wing joke in regards to the Disney version.
- During Kyle's walk through Disneyland, Andrew Dickman (title card artist for The Nostalgia Chick) punches out Kyle for saying "Cocteau" in front of his kids. "Cocks don't have toes!"
- The stinger.
SJWAC: Stay tuned next week when we compare Disney's version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame to Charles Laughton's!One Week Later (while "A Guy Like You" plays)Kyle (wearing a smug smirk): Laughton wins.SJWAC (frowning and looking down): I know.
- Kyle is forced to concede Fridge Logic to Some Jerk, when the latter points out how Belle's sisters want Avenant to steal treasure from the Beast's vault, which they already know is worthless to anyone but Belle. He does so with freeze-frames of Avenant looking confused that match perfectly with Kyle's loss for words.
- SJWAC sees a scene he actually does like, where one of Belle's wicked stepsisters gets her wish for a pet monkey by looking into an enchanted mirror and seeing herself as a monkey. Kyle is pleased at this... until any attempt to wring further compliments for the film by SJWAC end up with him bringing up the monkey at every opportunity and nothing else.
- When Kyle decides to kill Mickey Mouse.
SJWAC: Ven! Kyle has gone Oswald!SJWAC: ... both.
- Among a list of "deeply personal" art films made by the creators for the sole purpose of self-expression: The Room.
- SJWAC's reaction to the Cocteau film's ending.
SJWAC: Hey! You can't just leave without an explanation! I demand answers! (Belle and Avenant fly into the sky) Wha- Don't get raptured now! I refuse to be left behind by Kirk Cameron or Nicolas Cage! Hey!! You!! Get off of that cloud!! I am the audience, you are the movie, I OUTRANK YOU!! (Belle and Avenant disappear into the distance) EXPLAIN YOURSELF!! EXPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAI-
- After finally reaching a happy agreement at the end, the two of them attempt to re-enact the ending of Cocteau's film... only to remember that they can't fly.
- The Brick Joke that happens when SJWAC brings up Twilight:
Vampire: CARDIAC ARREST! (drops dead)
- In the final song, the list of Beauty and the Beast adaptations includes "Films with Kevin James."
- Kyle's book for the opening? Blue's Clues
- Kyle's Hurricane of Blue Puns".
Kyle: So. BLLLUUUE. This is the bluest blue that ever blued. It is the Blue Man Group covered in blueberry pie under the light of a blue moon. It is the bluegrass musician eating blue cheese while using Bluetooth. It is Little Boy Blue in Blue Velvet and Blue Suede Shoes. It's a freaky interracial orgy with The Smurfs and the Na'vi. It's a Blue Monday with Mr. Blue Sky shining on me as I'm tangled up in blue. It's blue y'all, it's blue y'all, it's bliggity-blue, it's blue y'all, it's blue da boo dee da boo die, da boo dee da boo die, da boo dee da boo die, daboodeedaboodie- [explodes] I just... blue myself.
- When he shows a canvas painted with naked blue bodies, you hear a spray can and the image is enhanced with Mystique was here.
- While discussing the vagueness of Welcome to Night Vale:
Kyle: By the way, this is my Cecil Palmer cosplay. (pause) What? Prove it can't be!
- "Hello boredom my old friend."
- When Gus Van Sant talks about how he first discovered Tomb Raider when his secretary told him he could download the first level and that he was amazed at the discovery that there are many different kinds of video games, Kyle shouts "CASUAL!!!"
- The ending has Kyle "playing" Gerry like a video game (with Xbox 360 controller in hand), but gets fed up and asks if there's any cheat codes.
- The return of the "singing over footage of rhythmic walking" gag from the last Gerry review. Especially when he finds himself singing "500 Miles" again... but this time, he stops himself.
This is Not a Film
- Oancitizen hypes up This is Not a Film, even calling the most genius thing ever. All that build up leads up to a clip of a guy slowly walking over to sit down and eating food.
- Oancitizen interrupts his discussion about the director's situation to rave about the director's pet iguana.
Oancitizen: This film is a revelation! I had no idea how much I want an iguana until I saw this movie. Looove. Looove. I use my claws to show my looove! It's like a cat crossed with a dragon!
- "Yeah! I'm hanging out in my own living room with a camera running! FUCK THE REVOLUTIONARY POLICE!"
- Bit of a meta-joke, when Kyle discusses the Iranian New Wave, the song he chooses to play in the background is A Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran (So Far Away)."
- Kyle's summary of Panahi's predicament, and Iran's government.
In 2009, during the failed Green Revolution, he started work on a movie whose subject matter was the fraudulent reelection of noted grandstanding *BLEEP*head Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the riots that followed. He basically intended to suggest that the Iranian government might not be the most transparent regime in the world. The Iranian government, in a generous effort to prove him wrong, arrested him for crimes against the state.
F for Fake and the Death of the Author
- Kyle desperately wants this to be Orson Welles's last film, in favor of his role as Unicron in a certain glorified toy commercial.
- FOOD FOR THE FOOD GOD!
- "This is Welles's girlfriend. And hoo boy, does he want you to know that this is his girlfriend."
[over a shot of Oja Kodar running in the breeze wearing a transparent blue robe] Weeeee're doooooiiiing iiiit!
- Lots of moments during the whole "John Green" section, including:
- "That man was the lead in Antichrist!"note
- The recreation of what it would be like if John Green turned out to be a thousand hamsters in a man suit.
- "I suddenly realise the real John Green might stumble upon all this and be very creeped out by it. Then again, who cares what he thinks, he's the Zodiac Killer."
West Side Story and Romeo and Juliet
- "Hey, remember that time one of our presidents was shot in the head by a Shakespearian actor? Awkward!"
- "Shakespeare and musicals: America's two favourite forms of theatre. Suck it, improv."
- He follows a clip of an old trailer claiming "Unlike other classics, West Side Story grows younger!" with a montage of all the dated slang.
- [over a scene with Tony and Riff] "See you on the set of Twin Peaks in thirty years! ...Yeah, I know. It blew my mind too." Explanation
(John Astin snaps his fingers as well)
- And slightly later: "Even a well meaning adult trying to bring the two sides together... is that Gomez Adams?!"
Kyle: (Bemused) Holy crap.
- When summing up at the end, he gets distracted by just how much Natalie Wood cannot pass for Puerto Rican.
Omkara and the Indian Shakespeare
- His awful pronunciation of Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge.
(Beat) "I don't speak Hindi."
- The "translation" of Omkara's theme song.
Dham dham dharam dharaiya re (Who's the Indian private goon)Sab se bade ladaiya re (who makes his Desdemona swoon?)OMKARAHey (ya damn right)OMKARA
- His portrayal of Lord Thomas Babington Macaulay.
Macaulay (actual quote): I have never found one among them who could deny that a single shelf of a good European library was worth the whole native literature of India.Kyle!Distant Voice: What about the Ramayana?Kyle!Macaulay: No thank you, I already had lunch.
Throne of Blood and Macbeth
- "Throne of Blood is one of Kurosawa's many samurai-centric films (jidaigeki), and one of the many that star Toshiro Mifune. Or, as he's known to his fans, 'CRAZY EYES'! Or... maybe it's just me who calls him that."
- His making an increasingly big deal that all the arrows fired at Toshiro Mifune in the climax were real, until he sheepishly says "Okay, probably not that one" for the shot that kills him.
- The bizarre attempts by Google Translate to make the title English.
- There's actually a joke within a joke there. While the translated English title is "Throne of Blood", the film itself is actually named "Spider Web Castle". It's actually right this time.
- Kyle starts explaining the film's need to reinterpret the three witches so that they fit within the setting, as the characters' allusions to Christian doctrine and classical mythology wouldn't have been understood by Japanese filmmakers and audiences at the time. Then someone whispers to him from behind the camera. His response is "...The hell's an Evangelion?"
An Italian (?) Titus Andronicus
- To conclude his summary of the play's violent over-the-top events: "The Aristocrats!"
- He discusses at length the decision to set Titus in an Anachronism Stew with the one common element being Roman origin. From the classical togas and Colosseum to the fascist-architecture government building to the Popemobile to several Fellini Shout Outs to Anthony Hopkins doing the pie scene while dressed as noted Italian-born chef Ettore Boiardi (Chef Boyardee).
- After bringing up how many Shakespeare scholars suspect he didn't actually write this play due to how much worse it is than his usual work, Kyle says he hopes it really was the Bard, just because that would mean he invented Your Mom.
- Kyle ends up talking on the video installations from Taymor's stage version that made the transition to the film... but pauses with a tide of "What."s at the piece that shows the head of one of Titus's sons on a sacrificial lamb, putting it side-by-side with the Seinfeld scene where Kramer's head is on a turkey.
- Kyle shows how bizarre one plot point is in context by comparing it to Barack Obama marrying the head of ISIS to spite the Republicans for opposing his policies.
Coriolanus: Universal Soldier
- Noting the copious amounts of Ho Yay and Foe Yay between Caius and Tullus, Kyle spends the entirety of one scene, where the two men hug and speak very closely to each other's faces, chanting, "Kiss... kiss... kiss... kiss..." sounding more and more annoyed as time goes on and the two still don't kiss.
- Kyle's reaction to Coriolanus' big "The Reason You Suck" Speech.
Coriolanus: (frothing at the mouth) YOU COMMON CRY OF CURS! WHOSE BREATH I HATE AS REEK O' THE ROTTEN FENS! WHOSE LOVES I PRIZE AS THE DEAD CARCASSES OF UNBURIED MEN THAT DO CORRUPT MY AIR!Kyle: In politics, we call that a "gaffe."
The Klingon Hamlet Part 1
- The opening consists of Kyle staring at the book before shouting "What?"
- Kyle talking about how difficult it is for a non-Trekkie trying to learn Klingon due to the difference in sentence structuring and amount of phlegm one needs in order to say a complete sentence.
- Which is followed up by Kyle trying to speak a passage from Hamlet in Klingon before keeling over.
- When showing a montage of the many times Star Trek has referenced Shakespeare, it ends on Picard's over-the-top "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day" speech.
Kyle: There's gotta be a better clip I could use.
- When going over the changes made to the Klingon version, he mentions at the very end that there's no Klingon translation of one of Hamlet's most famous of lines, "To be..."
Kyle: We have a problem here.
- His description of Klingons as "turtle-browed edgelords from Planet Death Metal."
- Kyle's demonstration of other Shakespeare plays in Con Langs. The highlights are Romeo and Juliet in Newspeak ("Sexcrime. Doubleplusungood."), and King Lear in Parseltongue, where Kyle just hisses at the camera.
The Klingon Hamlet Part 2
- After spending a video and a half talking about the changes made to the Klingon version and all the meanings in the translations, Kyle comes to a conclusion; there are no native Klingon speakers, as Klingon don't exist. He then holds up his microphone and repeats himself.
- He suspects that Iggy Azalea's appropriation of Klingon culture may have already happened. Cue a viral video of her incomprehensible rapping accompanied by Klingon subtitles.
- When talking about the different ways people say "To be or not to be" in other languages, he discusses the different translations in Spanish and Mandarin Chinese. Right before he starts talking about Chinese, this appears.
WARNING: TERRIBLE MANDARIN PRONUNCIATION TO FOLLOW
- Near the end, Kyle showcases one last Star Trek clip of Picard praising Hamlet and its meaning, leading to quite the Brick Joke.
Kyle: There's the clip I should've used.
- After mentioning how Klingons love honor, he imagines the Klingon version of Henry IV, where Falstaff makes his "honor is just air" speech and promptly gets impaled by a bat'leth.
The History of King Simba I
- The attempts by Some Jerk with a Camera to turn the review into a crossover, singing The Lion King song parodies relating to Shakespeare's works.
- Explaining why he isn't comparing The Lion King to Hamlet largely revolves around how the vast majority of the cast lives, but he is forced to concede that Simba nearly did send Timon and Pumbaa to their deaths.
- Comparing Frozen to Melancholia, because they're both about depressed blond women who have supportive brunette sisters.
Anna!Claire: ♪Do you wanna see a gas giant? We won't get pummeled by a gas giant.♪Elsa!Justine: The Earth is evil. We don't need to grieve for it.Anna!Claire: ♪Okay, bye...♪
- Morgan Funder/The Wire is credited as "Face On Screen for 20 Frames". Which she is, at the very end.
- He starts the review pretending to read a non-existing book, as "Mr. Nobody is a bit about nothing."
- The Running Gag noting every possible element that was ripped off.
- After showing the possible realities, Kyle goes into Jared Leto's other roles, including "Emo Joker".
- Kyle discusses the concept of dasein using an extended metaphor. Built around The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
- Possibly Genius Bonus as dasein, or rather das ein, can be translated into The One, ergo The One They Fear.
- Not likely though as dasein is a perfectly valid German word meaning "to be there" ('da' -> 'there' and 'sein' -> 'to be'). Also word beginning "s" is pronounced "z" in German, which helpful when you need to interpret compound words... also nobody ever puts the "the" (der, die, das) in a compound word because it changes with grammatical gender and case◊ (den, dem, des...).
- After he discusses how time starts going backwards in the ending with the movie, clips of Red Dwarf start playing - in which Kyle realises:
Kyle: "Oh my god... Red Dwarf! ... He got his science from a RED DWARF EPISODE!
- Kyle renaming the review "Mr Nobody is a Bad Movie and Please Stop Trying to Convince Me Otherwise".
Immortal Ad Vitam
- Any attempt to discuss the Random Events Plot, complete with "The reason Horus takes over Nikopol's body to use Jill's uterus to sire his bird baby... I still can't believe I'm saying that out loud."
- The Good\bad practical\CGI is stumped at Lou Ferrigno's Hulk.
- The Uncanny Valley is exemplified by Renesmee Cullen.
- "Sure, just let me open my chest up and show you my ribcage".
Little Otik and the Magic of Stop Motion
- In a Call Back to his earlier review of Alice, another Švankmajer film, he mentions he "found it quite charming".
(Wordless eight-second clip of Oan screaming his head off)
Kyle: (Wistfully) I was so THIN back then.
- While trying to outline the plot of the movie, based on the 19th-century Czech fairy tale "Otesánek" (an unfulfilled, childless man begins to raise and care for a murderous plant sustained by human blood), Kyle realizes that the story already has a modern-day parallel.
- The episode ends with the jingle for LOG! playing over the credits.
William Shakespeare's Star Wars and the Power of Iambic Pentameter
- The end of the video has Kyle deciding to do The Star Wars Holiday Special in the same style as the books.
Kyle: Actually, this looks kinda fun... it can't be that hard, can it? [grins]
Three ill-advised hours later
Kyle: (writing in a book with a quill pen) Enter Art Carney. 'Prithee, Itchy, sit you in this chair. I Bring a Life Day gift, a merry dance by Diahann Carroll. Pass the time while Lumpy watches Jefferson Starship.'
Jean-Luc Godard's King Lear: A Movie About No Thing
- On Twitter, Kyle described his setup: "For note taking purposes I got @ShadowTodd to watch Godard's King Lear with me. I have never seen him more hate-filled." Todd's twitter supports this.
I watched a movie last night with @Kyle Kallgren that he's reviewing for Shakespeare Month. Godard's "King Lear."
You know, I like to think I'm a smart guy who doesn't knee-jerk reject things he doesn't get. But I hated it. With every fiber of my being.
I hated it so fucking much. I hated every goddamn second of it. I hated, hated, hated, this movie.
I felt the same way I did watching Uwe Boll's House of the Dead or Shyamalan's Lady in the Water: This is ARROGANTLY shitty
There are two kinds of pretension. One is the crazy kind that's genuinely in love with all its ridiculous ideas.
The other is the lazy kind that says "I will shit in a box and you'll adore me for it because it's shit I made". Godard's King Lear is this.
- The video's blurb:
The infamously enigmatic Godard was once foolishly asked to give his take on William Shakespeare. The results are baffling. The second fan-picked film was produced by people who loved film in the worst way, and directed by a man who hates film in the best way.
- He opens by clapping an Umberto Eco book to his face.
Kyle: This movie. This movie should not exist. Just... rationally. It should not exist. It's like if film history itself divided by zero. It's... this is... Jean-Luc Godard's King Lear.
(trailer for "Patrick Stewart in King of Texas)
Kyle: No, no, no, no. That's Jean-Luc Picard's King Lear, and that's King Lear as a cowboy. This is weirder."
- He points out that the movie was backed by The Cannon Group, the company behind Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, the Death Wish franchise, and Chuck Norris becoming an action star.
- Kyle's theory for how Menahem Golan chose Godard: pull a name out of a hat.
- Kyle describing, in a deadpan voice, all the stuff Godard got up to, such as opening the movie with a recording of Golan on the phone, or announcing in voiceover that a couple of scenes were the only scenes they got with Norman Mailer and his daughter before they left the project completely.
- "It's set in an alternate future where the Chernobyl disaster has destroyed all culture. Yes." (displays shots that show no evidence of this, and adopts an absolutely deadpan tone) "Wow. Look at that devastation. See the fruits of our hubris. What hath humankind wrought. Mime. Mime never changes." (For another Fallout reference, he pops up "Quest Added: The Play's The Thing" in blocky green text over a shot.)
- Describing Godard's Creator Cameo:
Kyle: Godard himself appears in the film with wires on his head, doing a really mean impression of Burgess Meredith behind his back."
- After Godard farts in main character William Shakespeare Junior the Fifth's face:
Kyle: (doubled over with laughter) "That was Godard literally farting on Shakespeare! This movie shouldn't exist!"
- "Godard is playing the fool. Not just idiomatically; he's taking the role of the Fool. Three fools, actually. First, as the Fool who shows Lear the root of his foolishness. Second, as his role in this film, showing Shakespeare Jr the root of his' foolishness. And third, as Godard the director, making this movie for an idiot who actually thought this would be a good idea."
- "And truth be told, that's a fascinating take on Lear... I should add that by 'fascinating' I don't mean 'watchable'."
- "And that, Mr Golan, is why I didn't make your movie. Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyehhhh." (scene of Godard farting, with the Cannon Group logo superimposed on Shakespeare Jr's face)
Ran: The Shakespearean Apocalypse
- While the review as a whole is quite serious due to the deathly contextual pallnote hanging over the film, Kyle still spots a moment for levity with a semi-comic shot where Hidetora patiently waits for death as flaming arrows shoot into the walls behind him.
Kyle: ... I cannot help myself.
Caption: THIS IS FINE
- The trouble with Google Translate continues:
Kyle: Ran. A single word, single syllable. Translated from Japanese, it means...Kyle: I swear to god...
Jiri Trnka's A Midsummer Night's Dream
- When Kyle needs help pronouncing Trnka's name, he reverses the translator gag from his Throne of Blood review by having the device pronounce Trnka's name correctly. In response, he says "Jersey Turnpike!"
- "A Midsummer Night's Dream. I finally get to talk about a non-porn version."
Chimes at Midnight - The Creation of an Accidental Tragedy
- Kyle refers to the sprawling "Henriad" as the small and anonymous folio The Famous Victories of Henry the Fifth, but "rebooted" by Shakespeare "as a multi-part, gritty franchise property — the Henry the Fifth Theatrical Universe, if you will".
(Musical sting from The Avengers as the plays are laid out in a graphic like the Marvel Cinematic timeline, complete with thematically appropriate title fonts)note
Kyle: Yeah — the more things change...
- ♫ ♪ "Guess who he didn't mention~?" ♫ ♪
- Kyle (very accurately) comparing Shakespeare's Author Filibuster in Hamlet about bad acting to subtweeting, complete with a passage that seems to directly call Will Kemp out for showboating and upstaging other players in his clowning, as well as offending the nobility with his coarse ad-libs for the groundlings.
- NOTE: Falstaff Died On the Way Back to His Home Planet
Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence
- Almost all jokes in this video are pitch black, this one included, but that said, while introducing the film it centers on, Kyle names some of the notable people involved in its creation. When he feels like he's forgetting someone but can't quite place who, David Bowie appears as one of the main characters. Cut to Kyle with a huge, excited grin on his face... before he, er, remembers one of the reasons 2016 hasn't been a very happy year.
Kyle: ... Oh, right. [Looks aside.] I'm sad, now.
- The Bowie introduction itself is amazing, as Kyle gives him a freeze-frame and incredibly 80's sliding credit while cueing up "Let's Dance".
- "Because if there's one thing that unites all people of all nations, it's unquenchable sexual attraction to David Bowie."
- Kyle uses the logo for Black Mirror to censor a scene of bestiality involving a pig.note
- There's something amusing about how he gives Bee Movie and The Simpsons the same on-screen citations as the serious works he references.
- Kyle explains that the concept of the ego being an entity distinct from the self has been examined in various philosophical and theological texts... and also The Simpsons. Cue the "twenty dollars can buy many peanuts" exchange.
- Kyle's reaction to the film's sudden Art Shift for one action sequence.
- "FEAR MEEE!!"
Shakespeare In Love
- Kyle points out many of the anachronisms and errors that unfortunately make the premise false, ending with "Shakespeare didn't write the story of Romeo and Juliet."
(cut to image of Roland Emmerich smiling with two thumbs up)Kyle: No. Go away. Go away.
- His decision to compare and contrast Shakespeare In Love with another film from the decade, Naked Lunch. With full knowledge of exactly how it will look to the audience.
Shakespeare's Insults And Innuendo
- An animation of Shakespeare attempts to express his sadness poetically. And the drafts leading up to it. "Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal"
Between the Lines
- Immediately noting the literal answer to the question "What does Steve Rogers stand for?"
Kyle: Well, duh, the A doesn't stand for France. (shows the infamous panel of Ultimate Captain America◊)
- Saying that Tony isn't a boy like the inventor heroes of the penny dreadfuls he's being compared to... then admitting he's mentally one, at least (shows the party scene from Iron Man 2)
- Going into the various differences between Marvel's take on Norse myths and the original ... slowly descending into Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick when he gets to the Norse Loki giving birth to Sleipnir. Cut to Loki's post-Hulk bashing catatonia as Kyle awkwardly cuts the subject.
- When questioning what happens when the moralities clash with each other, the scene shown is Steve and Tony's argument on the Helicarrier. As if to answer his question, out comes the teaser title for Captain America: Civil War.
- His (possibly faux) exasperation on the upcoming Phase 3 movies, with each word in his Punctuated! For! Emphasis! set to showing the numerous series and movies still being shelled out:
Kyle: How! Many! Damn! Superhero! Movies! Do! We! Really! Need! Anyway!? (cut to Howard the Duck)
Fallout: The Future we Choose
Moira Brown: I think I'm turning into a Ghoul.Kyle: You should be turning into a corpse.
- Also this at the beginning, when he gets killed by feral ghouls in Vault 34 while talking about the environment's role in the series:
Kyle: ... making the land just a bit more fertile, even if that means getting your guns loaded and clearing out a vault of glowing radioactive living oh sh** oh sh** sh** sh** sh**!
From Caligari to Hitler: Imagining the Tyrant
- It's a mostly serious video, but it does have its light moments. Kyle says that the video will be sympathetic to "cultural Marxism" and if you have a problem with it, "I DON'T GIVE A SHIIIIIIIII..."
Other Videos and Appearances
- His Melancholia in 5 seconds, with the destruction of Earth inter-cut with that episode of Red Dwarf where Lister plays pool with planets.
- His cameos for other characters can apply as well:
Sad Panda: Neckties are lame.Oancitizen: *looks at tie:* Aww...
- His measured, well-researched attempt to explain pirates to Sad Panda on "Forget About It: Pirates of the Caribbean."
- Diamanda's look at Freaks has Kyle being possessed by her and doing the entire review as a Large Ham with a voice that, in the commentary, he describes as a combination of Captain Janeway and Mrs. Doubtfire.
- When two characters see a group of 'freaks' dancing around, Diamanda/Oan plays rave music over the top.
- In 2013, Kyle began a Kickstarter for raise money for the budget of his short film for his film course. The money was quickly raised by his fans, but Kyle found his horror that the total sum was over 9000!
And personally, I cannot wait to make James Carville: Adventures in Time.And I cannot wait to make Super-Pac to the Future.Primer... ar... y...
- In the Kickstarter video, the Hurricane of Puns as he tries to find a good name for his political time-traveling movie:
- After arguing on Twitter about Blip's new ad-block policies, Kyle tweeted that he was trying to "[make] stuff for smart, kind people on the internet. Might as well be playing to an audience of unicorns." His fandom jumped all over this, immediately calling themselves "unicorns".
- Kyle's video of the New York Comic Con, done in character as Oancitizen and featuring him dancing to "My Humps" with Team NChick, Todd in the Shadows, and JesuOtaku.
"What am I doing with my hips?!"
- From The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (crossover review with Film Brain).
- "QUICK! PAINT A FENCE AT HIM!"
- On his Twitter feed, he asked fans to tell him their ideas for Reality TV shows. Just take a look at his feed, as it appeared shortly afterwards.
- Kyle's review of Eraserhead. Who would ever think that someone could get so angry over An April Fools' Day joke featuring poorly-shot footage of pencils, sharpeners, and Chicken Mc Nuggets.
- In the "Between the Lines" video about The Beatles, to explain the iamb, Kyle swiftly cites Shakespeare, Coleridge... and "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?".
- This Twitter exchange:
@KyleKallgren: I'm making it my goal to have no pleasures I could possibly feel guilty about.@ShadowTodd: I solved that one by having no pleasures.@saintwalker98: I solved it by having no guilt@Kenori_Merrik: I solve it by having no goals :D