In the western (like, cowboy) Shōjo (Demographic) manga Miriam, a crooked sheriff has the protagonists locked up on false charges. When they start complaining, he says he'll add to the charges if they don't shut up... then says he'll add things like stealing a hotel ashtray, cheating in cards, and hitting on girls in stores.
Suzumiya Haruhi managed to combine two of her chief preoccupations in this threat:
Haruhi: "Anyone accepting defeat will be punished by running 10 laps around the school! Naked! And you'll have to yell 'Green martians are chasing me' for the whole 10 laps!"
"I'm gonna fuck that bitch, shoot her in the head, and fuck her there!!
Fruits Basket: Yuki tells Kakeru he'll never speak to him again, and it's only just out of his mouth when he realizes how embarrassingly childish that sounds. Forunately, Kakeru is embarrassingly childish. Kakeru later threatens to make Yuki "walk through a red light district".
In the Australian version, rather than threatening Kakeru with silence, Yuji threatens to 'break up with him.' Hilarity Ensues
Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu: when Tessa was spending some R&R in Jindai disguised as a US transfer student, Mardukas gave an ultimatum to Sousuke: if anything happens to her or he tries to take advantage of the situation by doing something dirty, he'll be loaded in the TDD-1's torpedo tube and launched. The Hungarian dub also mentions something about being thrown into the submarine's reactor until he glowed.
The English dub of Chrono Crusade uses this in the first episode, literally with a spoon after The Elder looks up her skirt. She even attempts to do it, stabbing the spoon into the ground.
Rosette (to The Elder): I'll kill you with this spoon!
In one of the latest chapter of Sket Dance, Agata was threatened by Saaya's "kidnapper" that if he doesn't come within the time limit for the next puzzle, 'he'll make Saaya rap'.
In one episode of Tantei Gakuen Q, Ryu responds to some bullies threatening Megumi by knocking one to the ground and putting a metal object to his throat. After the bullies fled, Ryu revealed that the object in question was a spoon, not a knife. Megumi later notes to herself that the expression on Ryu's face made her think that he could have killed the other boy with that spoon if he had wanted to.
In the first episode of Pani Poni Dash!, when Old Geezer's class is attempting to leave to bother the new teacher of the class next door:
Old Geezer: You step one foot out that door and I'll be standing by your pillow every night.
Jakita Wagner: You're going to tell me what your problem is, or I will find a very small hole and reenact your birth.
In the View Askewniverse comic Holiday Special, Randal urges Dante to give his catatonic ex Caitlyn a "caning", meaning to insert a candy cane into her vagina, in an attempt to break her out of her coma. It works, but she is not happy:
"If I ever see you again, I'm going to shove my pointer-finger into your piss-hole, Dante Hicks!!! I'll tear your fucking scrotum off and your heart out and shove one into the other and feed them to you before you die, you sick fucking pervert!!!"
In Walt Flanagan's Dog, Jay bursts into a string of threats when Randal calls him a "fucking junkie". Among other things, he threatens to "fucking tear off your sweaty sack and make you wear it like a fucking clown nose".
In The Sandman, the Carnifex of Aurelia threatens to pop Cluracan's eyes out with his thumbs and then piss in his sockets. A guard confirms that he's seen him do this.
Garth Ennis tends to have his characters follow these kinds of threats by actually carrying them out.
Jody from Preacher threatens a Mook by saying he will "rip off yore head and have T.C. shit down the neck stump". Then he rips the guy's head off. Then T.C. shits down the neck stump.
Pittsy, a psychotic mobster from The Punisher MAX threatens a CIA operative by saying he'll "cut [his] balls off and put 'em in a paper cup." The agent is next seen clutching his bloody groin with one hand and holding a blood dripping paper cup in the other.
Jill, in the second Kingdom of Loathing comic: "The name's Jill. You ever call me 'baby' again, and I will personally pull your kneecaps out through your nostrils."
In the Jackie Chan Adventures fanfic Queen Of All Oni, when Ozeki, the Sumo-khan general attacks Section 13, when he hears about Viper using onions on Jade, he threatens to rip her arms off and gouge out her eyes with her own thumbs.
PJ: And if you even try swapping me for them, I'll punch you so fucking hard you'll be shitting your own teeth!
In Oh God Not Again, when Harry and Lockhart reach an agreement of sorts regarding the whole Obliviate thing, Harry adds that if he tries to steal one of his accomplishments, he'll beat him to death with a paper napkin.
Lockhart: CAN you beat someone to death with a paper napkin?
The Naruto fanfic Being Found has at least one of these in each of the last three chapters.
In chapter 13, after Naruto nearly kills himself while using a dozen exploding clones to utterly disintegrate the revived first and second Hokages:
Tsunade: "And if you ever, ever, try something like what you pulled on the roof again, I'll rip out your spleen through your armpit, and shove it back in through your nose."
In chapter 14, a female Haku (who was involved with Naruto) threatens Temari:
Haku: "And while I do not enjoy hurting people, if you ever do anything adverse to Naruto-kun, know that I will freeze the blood in your veins, and shatter your bones."
And in chapter 15, Naruto and Shikamaru have this exchange:
Naruto: "It's not your fault, Shika, so stop blaming yourself before I punch you in the face so hard you crap out your eyeballs."
Shikamaru: "That's not physically possible."
Naruto: "Won't stop me from trying to prove you wrong."
Another Naruto fanfic, Uprooted, has this little gem from Tsunade (directed at the Third Hokage):
"But, as the Head Iryo-nin of Konoha Hospital, I can override you in medical matters. I will declare you unfit for duty, make you eat hospital food until Naruto-kun comes back, make you attend therapy where you will have to keep daily diary of your innermost feelings and play with a pink, squishy ball and wear green paper gown the whole time, carry out painful rectal examinations on you, let my interns use you as a practice dummy when they first learn acupuncture, confiscate all contraband literature and the new, experimental medication just might have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction."
Sheik: "I hate you, you hear me? I hate every-fucking-thing about you! You make my life hell! You should be wiped away from existence! Completely! I swear some day I'll cut you into pieces and feed those little, bloody pieces to the twins piece by piece! One at a time!"
Ike (in his head): "But in another hand, those clouds looked pretty heavy. There could be a chance of rain in the afternoon. Too bad, you couldn't see bruises in the rain..."
Sheik:"Then I'll shoot the twins, cram them into a meat grinder, take the minced meat and feed that to the sharks in Alaska! Then I'll pour the water out of the sharks' aquarium and let them die just like that! Then I'll burn them! Burn them so completely there will be only ashes left! And those ashes will be thrown to a bottomless pit! Let's see if you're smirking then!"
Zolph: "Don't worry, Colonel. I'll turn that little psycho into a coolant barrel and put his brain in a Gonk if he so much as blows up a single X-Wing."
In Chapter 13 of the Superjail! fanfic Extended Stay, the Mistress, who is currently in preterm labor and going through a Screaming Birth, threatens to kill both her new husband, the Warden, and the Delivery Guy and turn their skins into her own personal pajamas. And the scariest part about this is? It's said later that she is actually capable of doing this as she pleases.
She gives him another one when he annoys her about quitting smoking right after she runs out of cigarattes.
Liz: (waving her lighter) I'm going to singe off one of your eyebrows! One!
Kid: Oh - oh, you - you wouldn't do that to me -
Liz: I absolutely would and I would enjoy every single second of it, you delightfully flammable idiot.
Film — Animated
In Ratatouille, Skinner catches Linguini messing with the soup, and threatens to have him drawn and quartered, "after you take him to the duck press to squeeze the fat from his head!" It should also be noted that one of the chefs can apparently kill a man with his thumb. Duck presses do squeeze the fat out of ducks. However, they're usually not big enough to stick a person's head in, but Linguini is obviously NOT familiar with kitchens, thus, it could still be a very formidable threat. And, of course, Skinner's just going apoplectic at Linguini 'rising above his station' by fixing the soup (possibly a kick the dog moment to reinforce the fact that Skinner's an evil little man, bent only on dominating the frozen food market by sullying Gusteau's good name?)
Lilo & Stitch: Nani has been locked out of the house, and screams to Lilo that if she doesn't let her in, she's going to purée her in the blender, bake her into a pie and feed it to the social worker... just as said social worker arrives.
In Cars, Doc's first lines consist of ranting about how he'll throw Lightning in jail for so long the jail will rot on top of him, then build a new jail and let that one rot — considering the characters are cars and the jail is an open-air impound lot, this would be impressive, to say the least.
Disney's Mulan: "I'm gonna hit you so hard it'll make your ancestors dizzy!"
In Ralph Bakshi's Wizards, Avatar explains to the newly-reformed Necron 99 (now renamed "Peace"), that if he betrays the party, Avatar will do something that will, "Take twenty years to kill you, and you'll be screaming for mercy in the first ten seconds."
Yzma: I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea. Then, I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives (Evil Laugh), I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!
The animated film Bebe's Kids has Robin making this humorous black-themed threat to one of the kids:
Robin: If you don't tell me where your little brother is, I'm gonna beat the BLACK off you, and you're gonna look lighter than Michael Jackson!
In An Extremely Goofy Movie, when Tank tries to hurt Bobby, PJ threatens to hurt him with a biscotti... somehow, though all he says on the subject is "I'm not afraid to use it!" This threat is nullified when Tank bites the biscotti right out of his hand.
Film — Live Action
The Trope Namer, from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves: "I'm gonna cut his heart out with a spoon!" Exclaimed by the Sheriff of Nottingham. The Sheriff's Dragonlampshades the trope, asking why he doesn't use a more suitable implement. The Sheriff snaps, "Because it's dull, you twit! It'll hurt more!"
When he does kill the Dragon (Guy of Gisborne) with a sword, the last words he says to him: "Well at least I didn't use a spoon."
Referenced in The Postman where the title character jokingly says "Don't make me use this" while pointing a spoon towards one of his allies. Both films share a star.
Wat in A Knight's Tale does this rather passionately if not very eloquently:
Uh, betray us, and I will fong you, until your insides are out, your outsides are in, your entrails will become your extrails I will w-rip... all the p... ung. Pain, lots of pain.
Airheads: "I'll stab off your neck... With my dick!"
Team America: World Police: "If you don't [comply], we [The UN] will be very angry. And we will write a letter, telling you how angry we are."
Chris is a bit more specific in his threats to Gary. "If you fuck us out there I'll rip out your balls and shove them up your ass so the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!" Or, "If you fuck us out there I'll drill holes through your dick so the next time you piss it comes out in all different directions!"
In The Chronicles of Riddick: "I'm going to kill you with my teacup." He does, too. Riddick then turns to the remaining mooks and wordlessly holds up a can opener key, placing it in the same spot that his cup was sitting before. The mooks panic and flee.
In The Cook, the Thief, his Wife, and her Lover, Albert (the titular Thief) he warns that he will "kill and eat" Michael (the titular Lover). This comes back to bite him when after he kills Michael, he is forced to eat his corpse.
Drill Sergeant Nasty Sergeant Hartman says some winners in Full Metal Jacket, such as "You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!'' and, "I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!"
Parodied in The Simpsons by an angry tow-truck driver; "If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, rip out your heart, show your heart to your head, and shove 'em both down your neck-hole, to which I previously alluded."
Double Parodied in The Simpsons BY the aforementioned Drill Sergeant Nasty Sergeant Hartman actor R. Lee Ermey playing a "Colonel Hapablap" threatening to "tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party", and then "corpse you up and mail you to mama."
Also parodied in the Meg Ryan/Matthew Broderick vehicle, Addicted to Love, when the aforementioned actors' characters play "MST3K" while observing their former loves via a optical-projection.
"I'm gonna shove your head up his ass, I'm-a shove your head up his ass, and you...you drew the short straw; I'm-a shove your head up my ass."
"I will break my foot off in your ass, woman!"
In The Presidio, Lt. Col Caldwell states quietly that he's going to beat up a drunk blowhard in a pool hall with his thumb — this RIGHT thumb... because the left is too powerful for him. Of course, since Our Intrepid Hero is an army man, the ensuing smack down is Exactly What It Says on the Tin. In the same movie, Sgt. Major MacLure tells someone to shut up, on pain of "I'll shove your head so far up your ass, you'll be talking out of your armpit."
Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny offers Tim Robbins delivering: "I'm going to cut out your eyes and your balls, and put your eyeballs in your ballsacks and your balls in your eye sockets!"
In Mel Brooks' remake of To Be or Not to Be, Frederick Bronski, after learning that his wife and a dashing Polish flier were having an affair before the war started, and about to go and potentially give his life by pretending to be a Nazi spy he'd killed, forgives the pair — in the event that he doesn't return from Gestapo headquarters. "However if I do come back, you're in a lotta trouble!"
Hot Shots!! Part Deux has Saddam Hussein say to President Benson right before delivering his planned coup de grace: "Now I will kill you until you die from it!"
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert might be an odd source of threatening quotes, but one of Bernadette's many Crowning Moments of Awesome is when she says of Adam / Felicia, "One more push, I'm gonna smack his face so hard he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth!"
Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death.
Westley: No. To the pain.
Prince Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain, and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.
Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. 'To the pain' means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.
Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Prince Humperdinck: I think you're bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.
[slowly rises and points sword directly at the prince]
Westley:Drop. Your. Sword.
Prince Humperdinck: [mouth hanging open, drops sword to floor]
Yellowbeard. El Nebuloso comes up with a plan to have his minions pretend to be killed.
Nebuloso: But it must look realistic. Anyone caught overacting I will personally scare to death!
Agent Sands delivers one of these to a reluctant informant in Once upon a Time in Mexico: "You know that withholding vital information from a federal officer is a serious offense. Especially when that federal officer has paid handsomely for it and wouldn't think twice about ripping that patch off your eyehole and skullfucking you to death."
And then there's Marsellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction, preparing to deal with a rapist:
Marsellus: What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: Caractacus Potts takes his hair-cutting invention to a funfair which goes haywire on his only customer. At one point during the ensuing chase, the customer yells, "I'm gonna smash your teeth down your throat!"
In Win A Date With Tad Hamilton: "Good. Because if you do I swear to God I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands. Or vicious rhetoric."
Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."
Clint Eastwood seems to be quite fond of this, as part of the tough guy machos he usually portrays, as shown by following example from the fifth installment of Dirty Harry: "Don't fuck with me, buddy, or I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to unbutton your collar to shit."
Stitch: This babe is whack. She doesn't know what's twelve inches long and white. Nothing! Hey man, no offense, I'm just working on my routine.
Gunny: I'll tell you what's black and bleeding if it don't shut its face.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back shows Jay angrily dictating the following message which Bob posts to a website discussing the Bluntman and Chronic movie:
"All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob."
One film earlier in Dogma, Rufus the 13th Apostle gave Jay one of his own.
Rufus: "Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel!"
In The Warriors: "I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a Popsicle!"
In Reno 911!The Movie, a Homeland Security agent threatens Jones & Garcia with "...I'm gonna fill a tube sock with oranges, then I'm gonna beat you with it until I juice them! Then I'm gonna drink the juice in front of you! And you're gonna ask me "Why?", but I'm not gonna answer you!"
In Best in Show, the Larry Miller's character attempts to talk his son down from the roof by stating, "I will gouge your eye out with my thumb! I shit you not, my friend!" In the previous scene, Miller revealed that his job is trying to talk jumpers down, but "they all jump."
From 21: Cole Williams: "If I see you in here again, I will break your cheekbone with a small hammer. And then I will kill you."
"I'm going to have you wrapped in the U.S flag and burned personally by the President, in high-octane American gasoline!"
This is actually hinted at in The Dark Knight. I really don't want to know what the Joker uses that potato peeler for...
The Whole Nine Yards: when displeased with his lunch order, Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski hits the waiter with this gem, apparently inspired by something Bruce Willis actually said on Matthew Perry's answering machine:
"I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."
In Tropic Thunder, Les Grosman threatens the film's director this way if he screws up again.
Grosman: My fist is going to be so far up your ass that every time you have a fart it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring.
Capitaine Charles Patenaude, waving around a discarded blender: Brad, pull something like that again, and I will cut you to pieces, I will put you in this blender, I will press "Smoothie" and I. WILL. DRINK. YOU.
Eve from Alpha and Omega loves these. When one of the wolves in the pack is hurt, she wants to track down the attacker, tear his tail off, and shove it down his throat. As if they wasn't bad, when her daughter goes missing, she gives this little speech to the other pack:
Eve: If any of you wolves have hurt my daughter, I will personally RIP out your eyes, and SHOVE them down your throat so you can see my claws TEAR YOUR CARCASS OPEN!
When describing his training in Remember the Titans, Coach Boone uses this as a motivational tool
Coach Boone: We will be perfect in every aspect of the game. You drop a pass, you run a mile. You miss a blocking assignment, you run a mile. You fumble the football, and I will break my foot off in your John Brown hind parts... and then you will run a mile. Perfection. Let's go to work.
In Analyze This, as Vitti is trying to have a civilized conversation with a rival mobster on the phone:
Then I can unblock that angered wish and then hopefully, hopefully you make one more move on me you motherfucker I'll fucking cut your fucking balls off I'll shove them up your fucking ass, I'll fucking bury you, I'll put ice picks in your eyes, I'll chop your fucking eyeballs, I'll send them to your fucking family so they can eat them for dessert. You understand me?
When Susan Sto Helit has a stint as a nanny in Hogfather, she threatens her charges with things like "If I catch you being twee again, I'll knot your arms together behind your head." She finds that these actually worked better than believable threats.
Also, when the Great God Om found himself Brought Down to Normal in Small Gods, he took a while to abandon the over-the-top threats that had always worked before: "Your intestines to be wound around a tree until you are sorry!" and "May your genitals sprout wings and fly away!"
Another fine example, from Sergeant Jackrum in Monstrous Regiment: "...there's no rule to stop me beating seven kinds of crap out of you... And that may take me some time, sir, because until now I've only ever discovered five types of crap."
A two-parter from Sam Vimes John Keel in Night Watch: "...you try it on one more time and you'll need to use both hands to pick up a spoon and you'll need to pick up a spoon, Ned, 'cos of living off soup by reason of having no damn teeth!"
One of the dire threats of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night in Guards! Guards! involves toasting the offender's figgin on a spike. The power of this threat mostly hinges on not finding out that a figgin is a (fictional) type of pastry containing raisins.
The Watch, who do know what a figgin is, are very confused when their prisoner runs away screaming after an innocent offer of a snack.
According to the history books, Mad Lord Snapcase was "hung up by his figgin" when he was overthrown some time before the current timeline. "This meant that either the language had changed a little over the years, or there really was some horrifying aspect to suspending a man alongside a teacake."
In Lords and Ladies Granny Weatherwax tells Nanny Ogg's bratty grandson "If you don't shut up, I will personally rip your head off and fill it with snakes." The little boy is merely amused by this threat.
In "The Sea and Little Fishes" later on in the time line, Nanny Ogg tells her grandson—probably the same one—that if he doesn't stop crying, she'll never give him candy again. The shock shuts him right up.
In The Last Continent one of the "ladies" whose float Rincewind hides on at the Galah screams at a troublemaker: "I'll stick my hand down yer throat and pull yer trousers up!"
In Men at Arms, Carrot threatens Dr. Whiteface, head of the Fools Guild. He threatens to follow Sergeant Colon's orders to the letter, the orders Carrot got just before going to the guild. When Whiteface threatens to call his guards, Carrot calmly informs him that that will only make it easier for him to obey those orders. He then adds that, if it helps, he'll feel slightly ashamed to do so. Whiteface backed down. The orders? "If there's any trouble, we're leaving right away." Colon had seen people bluff with bad hands, he'd never seen someone bluff with no cards.
In Interesting Times, the Red Army are not very good with making effective threats, to the point where Rincewind summarizes their threats as "Slightly bad things please happen to our enemies!"
Aluminium Christmas Trees here; disembodied genitalia sprouting wings and flying away are a part of Roman wall art and mosaics, often wished by various Gods. This is also a part of Rabalesian mediaeval morality tales, and even today, in Africa, there are frequent panics about witches who can make men's genitals disappear. Partially disembowelling somebody while they were still alive and slowly winding their intestines around a spool is the "drawing" part of being hung, drawn and quartered.
In A Song of Ice and Fire, Shagga son of Dolf's repeated threats to anyone and everyone that he will "chop off your manhood and feed it to the goats." In spite of the rather obvious lack of goats in the vicinity. Used so often it becomes a Running Gag.
He actually gets to do it on Grandmaester Pycelle in the second book. As it turns out, 'manhood' referred to someone's beard.
A variant from Sword of Truth, where after a speech from Richard about how he intends to teach his damaged hot dominatrices a bit of humanity by letting them take care of his as-yet-unconceived son, one of them says emotionally, "If you get yourself killed trying to rule the world, I will break every bone in your body."
In Nick Cave's novel And The Ass Saw The Angel, a man threatens to rip off Euchrid's head and shit down his neck, in what is probably a Full Metal Jacket allusion.
Lasaraleen: No one is to be let out of the house today. And anyone I catch talking about this young lady will be first beaten to death and then burned alive and after that be kept on bread and water for six weeks. There.
Soon as I'm on my feet, your asses are mine. You all might as well just go practice falling down for a while so you'll be used to it. Just order the body bags now 'cause when I'm done, you're going to look like piles of chocolate pudding. They'll be cleaning you up with shovels.
When he passes out, the islanders all agree that it was an excellent threat.
Notable examples from the war novels by Sven Hassel include "I'll pull your arsehole up over your ears!", "I'll have you shaved with the big razor!" (sentenced to decapitation), or the crowning one:
"He's going round telling the world you're nothing but a cleaned-out rabbit's head, stuffed with sauerkraut, and if you're lucky enough to get back from the front he's going to see to it you get deported to a cowshit-stinking hole in South Bavaria where the entire population consists of village idiots."
In the Redwall prequel Martin the Warrior, Captain Clogg throws a fit of rage when Badrang sets fire to his ship, and screams "I'll cut yer 'ead off an' throw it in yer face!" (Technically possible if one assumes he doesn't mean that head, but since this is a children's book it's unlikely that was the intended meaning. Then again ...)
Mellus attempting to revive Hon Rosie in Mariel of Redwall: "No! Don't die! If you die, I'll kill you! Oh, I'm sorry, dear." Similarly, in Marlfox, Dippler informs an unconscious Dannflor that if he dies, Dippler will never speak to him again. Dann promptly wakes up and bursts out laughing at the uselessness of the threat.
In Pearls of Lutra a pirate captain tells an incompetent follower that "When we get out of this I'm gonna hang you upside down over the side of the boat and let the fishes nibble your 'ead off, though they'll be out o' luck if they expects to find any brains in there!"
It's also quite common for various characters to threaten to remove someone's body parts and feed said parts to the victim.
In one of Melanie Rawn's Dragontrilogies, someone threatens, "I will send him back to you in a large number of small boxes."
Near the end of Mary Stewart's This Rough Magic, a teenage girl is raging about the escape of the villain, who'd almost succeeded in murdering her brother. She shouts that she wishes she could eat the man's heart in the marketplace, and someone comments that although the girl may never have read Shakespeare, her threat is nearly word for word from one of the plays. Then the young fellow who plans to marry her reveals that he arranged for the villain's escape vehicle to blow up, and he tells her, "You wanted to eat his heart.... I have cooked it for you."
Angela of Eragon wishes the following fate on Durza the Shade: "I’d like to cut his heart out with a dull hairpin and feed it to a pig!"
"Your fate will be whispered by mothers in dark places to frighten their young," said Hastur, and then felt that the language of Hell wasn't up to the job. "You're going to get taken to the bloody cleaners, pal," he added.
Tell that mustached fool that by nightfall this place shall be known as the Grave of the Britons. Tell him that I shall snip off his whiskers and make them a plaything for my daughter's cats. Tell him that I shall carve a drinking cup from his skull and feed his belly to my dogs.
Babylon 5. When Ivanova is telling off some civilian scientists who disobeyed her orders while on a mission and almost got themselves killed, she incorporates this into one of her numerous Crowning Moments of Funny:
"On your way back, I'd like you to practice the Babylon 5 Mantra: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out! Babylon Control out. [to herself] Civilians. [glances upward] Just kidding about the God thing. No offense?"
Moriarty, in the 1st episode of the second season of Sherlock, says, "I will turn you into shoes!"
Well, first he'll find you and skin you, then he'll make you into shoes.
Firefly. When Mal late returning from a job, Jayne make his point about why he should be in charge
You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here.
On a more serious note, there's the fate of the crew if the psychotic Reavers have their way.
Zoe: If they take the ship they will rape us to death, eat our flesh, and sew our skins in to their clothing, and if we're very, very lucky, they'll do it in that order.
Buffy once threatened to wear someone's ribcage as a hat. This being Buffy, the threaten-ee promptly lampshaded it with "Hello to the imagery."
Willow also once told Riley, "If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend."
Dawn also had one in the episode "Beneath You"
Dawn: I can't take you in a fight or anything, even with a chip in your head. But you do sleep. If you hurt my sister at all... touch her... you're gonna wake up on fire.
Kakistos: "I'm going to rip her spine from her body, and I'm going to eat her heart, and suck the marrow from her bones."
Lilah Morgan had imagination too.
Lilah: One more excuse from you and I am gonna bury you alive next to my house so I can hear you screaming.
Lilah also once threatened to rip off a guy's skin and staple in back on inside-out.
The Monster of the Week would often get in on the act: in the episode "Smile Time", lead villain Polo hollers at Angel, "I'm gonna tear you a new puppet-hole, bitch!"
Illyria broke out these occasionally.
Illyria: I will shred my adversaries! Pull their eyes out just enough to turn them towards their mewing, mutilated faces!
Among lesser examples in the Sharpe miniseries, Sgt. Patrick Harper and Sgt. Obadiah Hakeswill, who has tried to set a soldier up for undeserved punishment and is carrying a spontoon (a type of lance), have this hushed exchange:
Harper: You do that to one of my boys again, Obadiah, and I'll shove that pointy thing you're carrying up your arse until it picks your nose.
Hakeswill: Be quick, Paddy, for you is next.
In the Disney crossover special Wizards on Deck with Hannah Montana, Alex threatens Max that if he tells Justin that it was her that put dye in the hot tub, she would pound on him so hard, he'd be sneezing out of his belly button. Max then comments that that would be very awkward around allergy season.
A survivor in the future episode of Dollhouse, explains to a potential threat "I will shoot you very hard!"
In Blackadder there was a bizarre one that was conducted in mime, that involved being dunked upside down in a vat of warm marmalade and having your goolies cut off with a scythe.
Also, in Blackadder the Third, Mr. E. Blackadder issued this: "Baldrick, believe me; eternity in the company of Beelzebub — and all his hellish instruments of torment — will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil."
Or "Baldrick, does it have to end this way? With me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid while wearing an extremely heavy hat?"
"If you do not start making sense, the pointed bony thing with five toes inside my boot will soon connect quite sharply with the soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers."
Baines: We'll blast them into dust, then fuse the dust into glass, then shatter them all over again!
The villainous Irongron from the Third Doctor story The Time Warrior gave us this absolute gem:
Irongron: I'll chop him up so fine, not even a sparrow will fill its beak!
And a not-so-serious example:
Doctor: If you do that one more time, Duggan, I'm going to take very, very severe measures.
Duggan: Yeah, like what?
Doctor: I'm going to ask you not to.
Doctor: Drop your weapons, or I'll kill him, with this jelly baby.
Also - the Eleventh Doctor's "Colonel Runaway" speech in A Good Man Goes to War is extremely similar in spirit to Dread Pirate Westley's "To the Pain" in The Princess Bride.
In Never Mind the Buzzcocks, host Simon Amstell described Noel Fielding's style of comedy as "just throwing out weird words":
Noel Fielding: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow...
Simon Amstell: With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
Noel Fielding: No, with a motorbike made of jealousy.
In My Name Is Earl, Earl is stuck in confinement with another prisoner who wants to kill him. His threats become increasingly more pathetic (but also more imaginative) after a while.
Glen: I'm gonna wear you like a puppet, on my fist, and then get into a punch-fight WITH A MAN MADE OF RAZOR BLADES!
Scrubs has this one, said in a remarkably kind voice:
Dr. Cox: Listen, Super Girl: I’m gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand-piece puzzle of clear-blue sky in less than an hour, will never be able to finish putting you back together again. Even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
Used twice in during the Seinfeld episode "The Good Samaritan", once by George's girlfriend's husband when he finds out about their affair and once by Jerry's girlfriend when he threatens to tell someone about her hit and run.
Michael: He's finished! I'm going to sew his ass to his face! I'm going to twist his neck so hard his lips will be his eyebrows! I'm going to break his joints, and reattach them!
Angela: Now you listen to me, suck face! You tell anybody, anything, and I will carve my initials in your brain tissue!
Jerry: Let me rephra-
Angela: I'll bash your skull into a vegematic like a bad cabbage, and I'll have a party on your head! (Elaine walks in)
Jerry: Hi Elaine, this is Angela.
Angela: I'll pluck all your body hairs out with my teeth!
Jerry: Well I think I get the gist of it.
Used naturally by Newman in another episode:
Newman: All right, but hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning will come, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face! And I will be there, in all my glory. Watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!
Also, "All right, you go ahead and keep it secret, but you remember this: when you control the mail, you control... information!"
Then there's the time George tries to return a book that's been flagged in the database after he takes it into the bathroom. "You get your toilet book out of here, and I won't leap over this counter and punch you in the brain."
On Hogan's Heroes, Major Hochstetter and General Burkhalter would often threaten to have Colonel Klink "court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian front". The absurdity was pointed out in this exchange:
Burkhalter: Klink, you will be court-martialed, shot, and sent to the Russian front.
Klink: But General Burkhalter, you can't do all of those to me!
Burkhalter: Try me.
So long as the firing squad doesn't shoot to kill, it's doable.
This is the primary Running Gag of Coach Hines, a recurring character on Series/MADTV.
In one episode of Mash, Charles Emerson Winchester III had a good one:
I want him drawn and quartered, and then I want the pieces arrested!
Hawkeye is responsible for this gem:
I'll break his leg, set it and break it again.
Thanks to the heavy-on-dialogue humor of the show, this happens fairly often:
Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt!
You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud, you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on Mac Arthur's oatmeal.
Earl Sinclair's B.P. Richfield in Dinosaurs seemed to be rather fond of this trope.
"If you tell anyone, I'll rip out your spinal cord to play jump rope with!"
Also from Monty Python's Flying Circus, highwayman Dennis Moore would start with a genuine threat, then get lost in qualifying it to be perfectly accurate.
"You move at your peril, for I have two pistols here. I know one of them isn't loaded any more, but the other one is, so that's one of you dead for sure...or just about for sure anyway. It certainly wouldn't be worth your while risking it because I'm a very good shot. I practice every day... well, not absolutely every day, but most days in the week. I expect I must practice, oh, at least four or five times a week... or more, really, but some weekends, like last weekend, there really wasn't the time, so that brings the average down a bit. I should say it's a solid four days' practice a week..."
In The Piranha Brothers sketch, several characters report about how Dinsdale Piranha would do horrible things. One man recounts how Dinsdale chained him to the back of a tank, dragged him to his hideout, slit his nostrils open, sawed his leg off, pulled his liver out and then nailed his head to the floor. After that, the man would go back to apologize to Dinsdale every week, and then Dinsdale would nail his head to the floor again. Dinsdale's brother Doug, on the other hand, was much worse.
In the horror series American Gothic, Sheriff Buck's girlfriend falls victim to a mysterious illness and is being treated by the local doctor, one of the few people not intimidated by him.
Buck: You better cure her or I'll?
Doctor: Or you'll what?
Buck: (threateningly) I'll think of something.
Malcolm Tucker and Jamie of The Thick of It are the masters of this. Hell, as the series' page says, this trope is pretty much Jamie's job. One of his finest moments: "I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock. Then I'll plug some some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist. Then, every time I hear something that I don't like — which will be every time that something comes on — I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls." This, by the way, is in response to somebody making fun of Al Jolson.
Something that the comparatively balanced Scot does say, to a minister with a nervous blink, is: "Stop fucking blinking! Or I will take your optic nerve and strangle you with it."
"You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT and I will tear your fuckin' skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right? Now get out of my fucking sight..."
Malcolm and Jamie continue to excel at this in the film In the Loop; "Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face!?"
"You stay detached, or else that's what I'll do to your retinas."
I'm gonna rip out his wind-pipe and beat him to death with the tonsil end!
I'm gonna shove my fist so far down his gob, I'll be able to pull the label off his underpants!
This, from "Gunmen of the Apocalypse"
Death: We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew.
The line "If you get yourself killed I'll never speak to you again!" is used by Kristine Kochanski on Lister, who's about to go blow himself up to save his friends from the Epideme virus. Naturally Lister just grins and walks out the door.
On The Mentalist, Patrick Jane states, while still smiling and in a bantering tone of voice that when he finds "Red John", he will "cut him open and watch him die slowly".
There's a great example in Black Books, where Bernard Black shouts down the phone "I'll pull out your eyeballs and stuff them in my ears so I can't hear your screams as I headbutt you down to a fine paste!"
This is actually from the bonus feature "Bernard's Letter" in which Bernard writes an angry response to a publisher who has rejected him "I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden violent death."
A Poke the Poodle comes when Manny asks what Bernard's going to do about the builders next door: "I will... drink heavily and shout at you!"
"I'll tear you open like a bag of crisps!"
The Daily Show dedicated an entire segment a few months after 9/11 to coming up with really creative ways to kill Osama bin Laden. Stephen Colbert suggested that he should be wanted, not dead or alive, but dead and alive, via being cloned repeatedly so they could kill the clones.
In Entourage, Ari Gold threatened to "choke [somebody] out with a strap-on." And given what we know about his character, he TOTALLY would.
Cheers: Lilith tells Carla she will "snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint." Another time, Carla when takes a job as a waitress and is forced to sing to a patron in front of the guys, she makes what seems like a very non-idle threat when she informs that that if they tell anyone she will rip their still beating hearts out of their chests and take a bite out of them.
In Friends, Joey went with Monica to confront a food critic who gave her a bad review. When the critic refuses to try another sample of her sauce Joey deadpans, "Either eat it, or be in it."
Ziva of NCIS is prone to these with Tony — on one occasion she says she is seriously considering killing him with a spoon, and on another she threatens to kill him in eighteen different ways with a paperclip. One can only imagine...
In The West Wing, White House counsel Lionel Tribbey enters Leo's office shouting "I will kill people today, Leo! I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands!"
Bruno: We will work hard. We will work well. We will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses, you will, quite simply, be dead.
C.J. catches Josh posting as himself on an online forum, and threatens him with:
C.J.: I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that web site. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass...What?
Josh: Well... technically, I outrank you.
C.J.: So far up your ass!
There's also this threat by a Republican Senator.
Republican Senator: You told him: they take on finance campaign reform, I roll out a legislative agenda that will make his boss sit down and cry? [...] I'm gonna reach down [Josh's] throat and take out his lungs with an ice-cream scoop.
Turns out Josh is rather unimpressed, leading to one of his many CMOF.
Leo gets in on the action when CJ arranges for a presidential photo op with a goat:
Sue: I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I'll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you’re trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard that your eyes pop out and then I’ll feed them to you like grapes.
"If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms."
A Saturday Night Live sketch has Norfolk (played by Phil Hartman) explaining to Anne Boleyn that her method of execution depends on whether or not she agrees to divorce Henry VIII:
Anne Boleyn: What if I were to agree to the divorce, but invoke the blessing of the pope?
Norfolk: In that case, you shall be drawn and quartered by four strong horses. Then their quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four smaller horses. Then those quarters shall be drawn and quartered by four frogs. Then the quartering would stop, and the mincing would begin.
Sue White: I have a hole punch. Let's not get bigheaded.
In the pilot episode of Leverage, Eliot threatens to "beat Dubinich so hard that even the people who look like him are gonna bleed." He settles for taking down his company instead.
In an episode of Will and Grace, after Jack says something stupid, Will threatens to rip his heart out... through his foot.
In Suburgatory Dalia makes a bizarre revenge threat that gets wildly speculative and specific.
Dalia: You know whats going to be painful? When my mother remarries your father and I’m your new sister and Dad likes me best. And then we send you away to an all-girls boarding school where you find true love. And on visiting day I come up and steal your new girlfriend. (sips her drink)The following spring we marry in a civil ceremony which you are forced to cater. And everyone hates your catering. And you get a bad review on Yelp, which pretty much sinks your organic lesbian catering venture.
Downton Abbey has Lord Grantham giving a pretty good one to Branson when giving him and Sybil his blessing:
Leslie: The only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!
Ben: Good Lord.
In Lost Girl, when Bo and Lauren are starting to get together, Kenzi makes it plain she hasn't forgotten how hurt Bo was after learning their last time turned out to be Lauren manipulating her:
"She really likes you. So, if you hurt my friend again, one day in the future, anthropologists will find your skeleton in an unmarked grave with a massive, massive life-ending blow to your head by a totally awesome chick that rhymes with 'frenzy.' Okay?"
Kingdom: Lyle and Peter having pints in the pub. Lyle, being flippant, calls Peter "P.K."
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!
Also, when Caboose gets in touch with his "angry side" in order to fight off the noobs, he shouts threats and insults like "I will eat your unhappiness!" and "Your toast has been burned, and no amount of scraping will remove the black parts!"
Ayuda Mundial (roughly translated as World-Wide Help), a Latin American Halo machinima gives us this gem:
Oscar: **To a curious fanboy** If you dare finish that sentence, I swear to God that I'll gouge your eyes out with a screwdriver. Then I'll cut your dick off and sharpen it until I can stick it on your neck to give you a tracheoechtomy. Finally, I'll scrape your skin off with a potato peeler and I'll squeeze it so I can send threatening letters to your whole family written with your own BLOOD!!
Although not a direct threat, "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Virus Alert" warns of a computer virus that will allegedly, among other things, "translate your documents into Swahili, make your TV record Gigli / neuter your pets, and give your laundry static cling."
Also, listen to "One More Minute" by the Al... this time it's subverted in that it isn't threats to anyone else, but what he would rather do instead of being with his ex. Actions preferred: ripping out his intestines with a fork, putting an icepick under a few of his toenails, diving into a swimming pool with double edged razor blades, and the clincher: "I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'til I die."
In The Decemberists' The Tain: "I will bleed your heart through a samovar soon!" Ow.
No "Find him, bind him, tie him to a pole and break his fingers to splinters, drag him to a hole until he wakes up naked clawing at the ceiling of his grave"? Then again, that one was an order.
Same thing with "Culling of the Fold", in that the gore is instruction rather than threat. "Dash her on the paving stones/ It may break your heart to break her bones ..."
Ministry's "Flashback" has such lyrical gems as "I'm gonna rip his head off and then shit down his neck, and I'll laugh like a motherfucker" and "Pneumatic drill right through her chest".
In one of the skits that Da Yoopers intersperse between the songs in their albums the wife of a man who has run off somewhere threatens to "give him a vasectomy with a rusty chainsaw" if he ever returns.
Xiu Xiu's "I Broke Up" gives us the delightful shouted line "THIS IS THE WORST VACATION EVER!/I AM GOING TO CUT OPEN YOUR FOREHEAD WITH A ROOFING SHINGLE!" Just an idea, but perhaps lines like that are why they broke up?
The first line of Zebrahead's "Back to Normal" is: "I'm feeling lost, I'm feeling like my heart's been carved out with a spoon."
Voltaire gives us, "What if I were to cut you up and mail each part to a different town?"
In an early Garfield strip, Jon does this when he sees Garfield climbing on the drapes.
Jon: Be careful there, Garfield. Hanging on the drapes can be very painful. 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR LEGS IF YOU DON'T GET OFF THEM THIS INSTANT!
Another classic, Jon says that Garfield can have one bite of the roast chicken. Garfield proceeds to shove his mouth around the entire chicken at once.
Jon: You swallow and I'll tie a knot in your neck.
Garfield has, on multiple occasions, threatened to remove Jon's lips. Once, he apparently made good on his threat.
Gafield once threatened to kick Odie into next Tuesday. He did. The Tuesday of the following week, Odie, having been absent for a week drops into the panel.
An angry Peppermint Patty once threatened Charlie Brown by declaring, "By golly, if I ever hit a deep drive to center field, and I round first base, and I round second base, and I round third base and I go tearing into home like a runaway freight, he'd better not be in my way!"
Linus and Lucy arguing over him having to memorize and recite a scripture passage for a Christmas pageant:
Linus: Who was Jeremiah? Where was Rama? Why was Rachel so upset? You can't recite something until you know the "who," the "where," and the "why"!
Lucy: I'll tell you the "who," the "where," and the "why"! You start memorizing right now, or you’ll know who is going to slug you, and you’ll know where she’s going to slug you, and you’ll know why she slugged you!!!
Lucy, when Linus won't let her watch the TV program that she wants:
Lucy: See these five fingers? Individually they are nothing, but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold!
The Rock actually had one of these as a Catch Phrase: "The Rock's gonna take your candy ass down to the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabroni Drive, and check you into the Smackdown Hotel!"
As well as the fan-favorite, "The Rock's gonna take your little [beloved object], [shine it up real nice/dust it off], turn it sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!"
In the run-up to WWF's WrestleMania VI, The Ultimate Warrior gave a long, rambling interview about how he was going to hijack Hulk Hogan's plane on the way to the event and fly it into the ground. To this day, it's still one of the biggest "WTF?" moments ever in wrestling. Yes, even ranking above The Gobbeldy Gooker hatching from a giant egg, Robocop rescuing Sting, and Mae Young giving birth to a hand.
Keep in mind, he was threatening to do this by taking over the pilot's mind with his magical moon-powers. Also I'm pretty sure the moon was turned into blood at some point in his threat. Either way, it apparently didn't work.
But he did end up beating Hogan clean for the belt, which is just as improbable as him using mind powers on an airline pilot and turning the moon blood-red.
Arthur's reaction to his house being knocked down:
"I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled... until... until... until you've had enough! And then I'll do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do, and then..."
Slartibartfast: Come now or you will be late! Arthur Dent: Late? What for? Slartibartfast: Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent. It's a sort of threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself...
"I will flay the skin from your flesh and the flesh from your bones and scrape your bones dry, and still you will not have suffered enough!"
A traditional version in D&D (due to the ease of resurrection at higher levels) is "If you die, I'll drag your corpse to a cleric and have you resurrected and then kill you!"
Averted in the later editions where one has to want to be resurrected for the spell to work.
In Baldur's Gate, you can make these quite often, but the most notable example is when you are confronted by an old guy offering cryptic advice, and can give the following response:
"If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR?!"
The king of this trope, however, is Edwin. Especially after his unfortunate transformation in the second game:
Edwina: (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With...with HOT...pokey things and...and coals and...and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)
Varric's storytelling about your exploits in Dragon Age II reaches the point at which a barmaid in the Hanged Man asks you whether you really killed a dragon with a rusty spoon.
"Mortal fool! Release me from this wretched tomb! I must be set free, or I will haunt you forever! I will hide your keys beneath the cushions of your upholstered furniture, and NEVERMORE will you be able to find socks that match!"
And then of course, there's:
Murray: You may call me Murray! I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike! Guybrush: "Stride?" Murray: Alright then, "ROLL! ROLL through the gates of hell." Must you take the fun out of everything?
In Tales of Monkey Island, almost every pirate that has been infected by the Pox of LeChuck will make these pointless death threats almost all the time whenever Guybrush ticks them off. There are a few times whenever Guybrush himself gets ticked off, like in Chapter 2, for example, when LeChuck is too busy looking at one Summoning Artifact he has gotten:
Guybrush: Now listen here, ya fleshy sack of chum, you'd better be handin' over that golden sea turtle or I'll be handin' ya yer liver on the pointy end of me hook!
Another example is in Chapter 3, when Morgan refuses to help Guybrush prove to De Cava that he's married:
Winslow:[under the influence of the Pox] Listen here, you poor excuse for a prissy privateer! Any more lip out of you, and the Captain'll be sending yer carcass on a tour of the small intestine!
And in Chapter 4, any threats that Judge Grindstump utters whenever Guybrush gets him angry turn into Funny Moments, like, for example:
None of the characters in-game react to it like this, but Shepard's furious "Give me a name or I will cut your balls off and sell them to a Krogan!" is definitely one of the funniest lines of Mass Effect 2.
In Persona 3 the Corrupt Corporate Executive that makes up the Devil Arcana delivers a few of these in order to frighten you into not telling people that you're talking to him, ranging from uploading your personal information to a dating site for prison convicts to threatening you with Ding Dong Ditch.
In Stupid Invaders, one of the aliens encounters the bounty hunter Bolok, who informs him "You are going to die, and you are going to scream while you die, and then you will be dead."
Redman: I'mma rip your tongue out ... and lick my ass with it!
Let's not forget his second taunt: "I'mma rip out your eyes, put 'em on your knees, and call ya KNEESY!"
Used in Kingdom of Loathing with Fernswarthy's letter, which starts with Fernswarthy making a threat to anyone who digs up his grave, then degenerates into several tangents, ending with Fernswarthy's shopping list.
Satori Komeiji, the stage 4 boss of Subterranean Animism, is something of a Ditto Fighter, basing all but the first of her Spell Cards on the attacks of whichever Mission Control the player selected at the beginning of the game. Right before using the first of these attacks, she says, "Now, this is where it really begins! Go and sleep with a trauma so frightful it will wake you up!"
In the localisation of Super Robot WarsOriginal Generation (this editor doesn't know if it's in the Japanese version), when Kyosuke tells Masaki's cats to go find the latter, the former then threatens to "turn them into banjoes" if they don't.
The Soldier: I am going to claw my way down your throat and tear out your very soul!
The Soldier: I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra!
The Soldier: Son, you are writing checks your butt will find uncashable! Are you hearing me? Your backside will be escorted from the bank! You will find this humiliating!
The Soldier: (To a robot army) "I will open up your chests and use you all as a latrine!"
The Soldier's robot costume in the second Halloween patch brings us this gem:
The Soldier (in Robotic Monotone): My foot will transform into a foot with your ass wrapped around it.
More examples, from the supplementary comics:
The Soldier: "Then I guess you'd better take me out to that gravel pit and shoot me, lady. 'Cause if you ever ask me to kill my best friend again, I will put my boot so far up your ass it will be on the news!"
The Soldier: "I am going to invite that staff straight up your ass and push you around like a broom!"
Even more Soldier examples, directed to his wizardly roommate:
The Soldier: "Merasmus! I am going to pull a rabbit out of your ass!"
The Soldier: "Merasmus! I will slap the magic out of your mouth!"
The Soldier: "I will rip off your ghost head and crap in your stupid hat!"
The Soldier: "I am going to haunt your ass with my foot!"
The Soldier: "Tonight your ass will be visited by three ghosts: my foot, my other foot, and a ghost!"
The Demoman isn't bad either.
The Demoman: I'm going to stick my thumbs in your eyes and hang on until you're dead!
The Demoman: Ooh, I'm going to hit you so hard you'll have a twitch!
The Demoman: They're going to bury what's left of you in a soup can!
The Demoman: Ooh, they're gonna find ya all dead in an alley, with cats lickin' at ya!
The Demoman: I'm going to blast ye into thin gruel!
The Demoman: (To Soldier's wizard roommate) Eye for an eye, wizard-man! I'll chew the eyeballs right outta yer skull!
Nefarious When I've finished killing you, I think I'll rewind time..so I can do it again. And again. And AGAIN! Hahahahaha!
King Tascan the First invokes this trope by name in Hype The Time Quest, frustratedly telling his incompetant soldiers, "One more mistake and I'll execute you myself... With a spoon, so that it takes longer..."
André the Hoodlum was fond of this trope. Actually being stuck inside Globox made them sound a bit less ridiculous. Just a bit.
André: I'LL SLURP UP YOUR INTESTINES LIKE A PIECE OF SPAGHETTI
In the Ocarina of Time abridged series (yes, it exists), Navi does this to Link when he gets over-excited with finding certain items (Da-Da-Da-DAAAA!):
Navi: "If you do that one more time, I'm gonna kick you in the kidneys until you pee blood, then I'm gonna stick your face in it and make you drink it!"
In Brain Dead 13, during a Wingding Eyes segment revolving around how badly Fritz is going to kill Lance, a high heel shoe appears.
In Borderlands 2, bandit leader Flanksteak threatens to, among other things, "make the Firehawk choke to death on his own feces."
Goliaths are also prone to this. They are about as well-spoken as a three-year-old when they are wearing their helmets, but once it's shot off, they gain a much greater capacity for speech. They will usually use this newfound eloquence to state exactly how creatively they're going to kill you.
Handsome Jack once scooped a man's eyes out with a spoon. He goes into [[Squick details]] and even laughs at the terrified reactions of the man's children, comenting how you should have been there... And then calls you a bitch.
Bernkastel (to her cat familiars): "This is my dearly beloved and only friend in the world. Her arms from the elbow down. Her legs from the knees down. You can chew those up however you please. But not a scratch anywhere else on her."
Lambdadelta: "Ah, simply wonderful. I'm about to be overwhelmed by Bern's love, aren't I!?"
Bernkastel: "......I do love you, Lambda. Once your limbs are gone, I'll skewer you through your butt and hang you by my bed. Every morning, I'll give you a good morning kiss, and every evening, I'll kiss you goodnight."
In Joff's Life And Death on Drunk Duck, Death tells an almost-victim that if he ever tells anyone about meeting Death, he'll kill him. The man replies, "Weren't you going to kill me some day anyway?" and Steve says, "Yes, but I'll kill you AFTER I remove your organs with a damp sponge."
A Cyanide and Happiness comic had the delightful; "Touch me again, and I will kill you so hard you will die to death".
The quote formerly atop the page came from Belkar Bitterleaf, of The Order of the Stick. In it, he was threatening a horse that had tackled him when the party was attacked. "I owe you a world of hurt, horse, and I always pay my debts. One day, when you least expect it, you're going to wake up as glue. And not the good stuff either, the cheap white paste that the weird kids eat!"
Another example of this, this time from the Monster in the Darkness: "Order of the Stick! Your broken corpses will taste delicious lightly seasoned with nutmeg!"
"I will bathe in your blood with lavender bath gel and a good loofa!"
"Who will be the moron when Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?"
"Tell us what we need to know, OR — I'll cry. You heard me. I'll start bawling like a toddler who dropped their ice cream on the sidewalk. In front of your friends, your teachers, any girls you like. And I'll tell them it's because YOU won't be my friend."
"If I ever see you with more eyes than assholes, I'm going to shove one into the other and give your cloak to that hobgoblin."
"But you can look for yourself when I shove that barrel (of pickles) up your uterus.
"You know what? Sarda ca-" Clevinger is somewhat fond of this this. "...FU...and THEN...-stupid...until the handle breaks off and I shove it up his a...I'd go... the hardcore stuff....make him regret being born a man."
And even better: "If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself so hard it will kill you instead."
Page 2 ofDigger. Not only do they plan to kill and skin Digger, but they want to "Write the lefthand names of God" on her skin. In purple ink.
Of course, this isn't a threat to them. This is what they do and they don't understand people not being thrilled by the idea.
Notary Public: Speak with respect! This is the High Abbess. Try anything and she'll hand you your butt. She will then certify in triplicate that you legally took possession of your own butt. Your demise shall have a scrupulous paper trail!
"DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, LITTLE MAN! My patience has long since been taxed and I will not hesitate to pull the oily rag you call a soul from your body, set it aflame, and jam it back down your gullet!"
"Yes, Jhim, very mad. In fact, I think if you'd done that, I'd have had to do something to show you how displeased I was, like finding where you sleep tonight, stake you through the heart with my penis and ejaculate steaming white hate into your blood."
"I'm not going to bully you, Cab. I'm going to sit back and watch as hordes of angry flannel-wearing women sodomize you with your own cock without severing it."
"I swear, if he upsets her one more time I'm gonna beat him so hard it'll send ripples back in time and prevent his granddaddy from plantin' baby seeds."
"If one spore's missing from my science project, I'll punch open your chest and fuck your still-beating heart." "Uh, Miss? You don't have a dick." "So you DID destroy my science project!"
Questionable Content gave us the gem: "I will re-enact General Sherman's march to the sea, using your face as Georgia."
Marten's mother chipped in the delightfully open-to-interpretation: "If you hurt my boy I will introduce you to a whole new realm of suffering. We're talkin' stuff that would make Hieronymous Bosch shit his britches, capisce?"
In Buck Godot, the trope name is, due to the peculiarities of Hoffmanite culture, a perfectly viable threat.
While Hoffmanites may be able to make good on the spSue White: I have a hole punch. Let's not get bigheaded.
In the pilot episode of Leverage, Eliot threatens to oon threat thanks to their great strength, there's probably only one race in the galaxy that considers "I'll floss his teeth!" to be a viable threat.
Dominic Deegan features the appropriately-named Professor Runcible Spoon yelling "I'LL KILL YOU TIL YOU DIE FROM IT!"
In Bob and George, Bob once told Treble to stop chasing the mini-author or he'd "neuter him with a dull spoon."
Exterminatus Now gives us this delightful quote with Lothar as the gang ruin his birthday.
Lothar: Thats it, I'll just kill them... with a spork!"
In Vinci and Arty, Arty does not take kindly to unsafe drivers: "PUT YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE AWAY WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING BEFORE I SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR COLON YOU'LL BE FARTING FREE MINUTES FOR A WEEK!"
...so you better get one thing straight in those whimpering skunk fetuses you twice-inbred Sasquatches dare call brains. If even one of you hemorrhaging shit-apes so much as blinks wrong, I'll see to it personally that you're lapping rat bile off an AIDS-infested twat rag by the end of the week. Got it?!
Jason: I'm gonna shove that shoe so far up your ass, you'll be able to floss with the laces.
From the web series Neurotically Yours, Foamy the Squirrel does this in the episode "Zip Codes" to Franklin, the StarSchmucks barrista, he keeps asking Foamy to fill out paperwork. Just to order a cup of black coffee.
Foamy the Squirrel: I will fucking kill you. DO YOU HEAR ME?!? I will tear off your fucking balls and staple them to your fucking forehead! NOW STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET ME MY FUCKING COFFEE!
"I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR [Beep] AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR [Beep][Beepbeep][Beeep], AND THEN [Beeepbeepbeepbeeep][Beep] ON YOUR [Beepbeepbeep][Beeep] WITH [Beeep beep][Beeep] IN THE [Beep][Beeepbeeep] AND [Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep] YOU'LL [Beeepbeepbeep] SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO [Beep] SIDEWAYS!! [Beep]"
Kaiba: Time for a trip to the recycle bin, Phantom. And then once you're in the recycle bin, I'm going to right click on it and select "empty recycle bin". Because otherwise, you'll just be taking up unnecessary space. In other words, I'm going to kill you.
Kaiba: Oh, there'll be food, all right. So much food that you'll be STUFFED. Joey: Was that supposed to be a threat? Kaiba: I can't even remember anymore.
Kaiba: Look, I don't know what the [beep] is going on here, but you're on notice. I don't take kindly to kidnapping and attempted murder. But since you have a God card, I suppose I can allow you to be in my tournament finals. However, try anything funny and I'll probably issue you a stern warning and wag my finger at you. Then you'll be sorry.
Gohan: I'M GOING TO EVISCERATE YOU AND USE GASTRO-INTESTINAL TRACT AS A CONDOM, WHILE I FORNICATE WITH YOUR SKULL!!! Nappa: What? Gohan: I'M GONNA SKULL [bleep] YOU!
In Doom House, the only line spoken by the Doll (over the phone) is a bizarre, falsetto... well, it's a threat, that much is obvious. Something to do with putting Reginald's hair in a bowl.
Sarah in the lonelygirl15 episode "CAMP PLAY": "Get any closer and I will breathe on you!"
An example similar to the Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged one above occurs in the Potter Puppet Pals video "Wizard Swears".
In Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, the unseen character Bad Horse threatens to "make [Doctor Horrible] his mare." Doctor Horrible stops bobbing his head to the music and acquires an appropriately bewildered look.
Captain Hammer at one point confusingly threatens "It's curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently-wafting curtains."
Spoofed in Web cartoon series Retarded Animal Babies. Puppy threatens to "vivisect [Cat] with [a] fondue fork" and "rape [him] with a handful of rusty corncob holders".
In the web cartoon Go! Go! Mobaboy, the bad guy threatens our hero with "I'm gonna hit you so hard, your voice actor will feel it!"
"One false move from yew, sir, one word outta yore mouth wot I don't like, an' I'll cockblock yer by kickin' it till ye 'ave a falsetto wot'd make Justin Bieber jealous." In the same MS Ting, a reluctant riffer was threatened with being forced to hang around with resident Enfant Terrible Molly.
"Are you aware of the number of live eel larvae the nasal cavity can accommodate? Make me listen to one more comment about my name and you'll find out."
In the Don't Press The Red Button game, at one point after clicking the button a certain number of times, it threatens to cut off your head with a toothbrush.
My Way Entertainment: From "Imma beat your ass Charles. Imma beat your ass withCharles" to "It's time for some Black on Black crime" to "If anybody say anything to anyone I will KILL every motherfucker in here you hear me bitch?!". And everything in between.
Bennett: I say we castrate him with a fork, tie him to a cactus, and play pinata with his entrails!
The bloopers take this farther: Bennett comes up with a series of increasingly cheerful and demented methods of torture, moving through "eviscerate him with a saw blade and laugh at his misfortune" and "strap him to a work bench, pour honey on his genitals, then FIRE ANTS" and finally landing on "I say we kill him."
In Smash Kingdom, King Dedede, a king with a nation of weapons and variance of abilities, is a bit too dependent on his hammer, as per the quotes page.
This video is about 80-90% this trope, containing many examples listed in the film folder (and many that aren't), including the trope namer.
In the Orphaned SeriesKermit Kombat, Kermit does the "getting a bit lost" variant, before getting sidetracked by realizing that's he's not speaking to the person he called:
Kermit: "I'm going to kill you. I'm going to rip your eyes out of your head and shove them up your ass, so you can watch me kicking your ass... um, while I'm kicking you ass! I'll tear into you like a monkey on a cupcake. I'll hit you so hard your dog is gonna be retarded! I'm gonna..."
Bob the cat: "Um.. excuse me. Who is this?"
Kermit: *blushes in embarassment* Um... is this Rocky Pinnicle?
From episode 13 of The SEA Team's Soul Eater Abridged, when Black Star refuses to step aside and let Maka fight Crona, she has this to say:
"See the way my body's glowing? Yeah. A lot of people can't do that. Okay, you want some? You want some of the glowing? Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit. I read that somewhere. But I'll do it."
In Samurai Jack, Jack's first opponent in the Dome of Doom, Gordo the Gruesome, is a master of smack talk, and most of his threats follow this pattern. Behold:
"I will hang you out like laundry! I will beat you like a drum! I will make your mother cry! I will make your aunt Edna from Gorfield, south of Barnaby, cry!"
The Simpsons example: Some of Moe's reactions to Bart's prank calls qualify for this, e.g. "Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"
"If I find out who this is, I'll nail a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"
"Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! And then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
When Bart makes a prank call to a Swedish bar, the bartender, in a grim Ingmar Bergman parody, merely intones "If I ever find you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor."
Subverted on another occasion, where Homer enters the family's new horse in a race and declares "If he doesn't win, we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and he won't get to come."
When Homer gets a job as a tow truck driver, another driver says that if Homer treads on his turf, he'll "Rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, and then stuff them both down your neck-hole, to which I previously alluded."
Apu fails faking indignation badly: "I'm so angry I could just ... fall asleep!".
When Lisa finds out Bart has been using his Mr. Microphone to make the entire town think he was Timmy O'toole-in-the-well, she warns him that, once the townspeople find out, they're "going to want to cut you up with rusty razors."
On Rocko's Modern Life, Rocko loses his patience with a supermarket cashier after he misses a big sale by a matter of seconds due to the cashier:
Filbert: (as the register reads $1.50) And your total is... (The clock strikes noon, and the total promptly jumps to $150) one hundred and fifty dollars. Gee... Looks like you just missed our big sale... Have a nice day...
(Rocko looks on in horror, and after a few seconds, promptly flips the hell out)
Rocko: You cheap little rotter! I've been run over by a car, made to drag around a gimp shopping cart, threatened by your gestapo security guards, had me head set on fire, I was attacked by wild lobsters, beaten by a very large woman, had me dog wrapped in plastic, nearly starved to death, and I still beat the twelve o'clock deadline! So if you don't change the total back to a dollar fifty, I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!!!!
The cashier promptly turns it back to $1.50.
Family Guy: When Chris asked Stewie if he wanted ice cream, this was his reply:
Stewie: Fine, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 episode "The Beauty of Kootie": When Kootie Pie finds out Casanova Koopa is really Luigi in disguise, she threatens to tie his lips behind his head so he wouldn't kiss again.
In the Futurama episode "Xmas Story", when they try to avoid getting killed by Santa-bot by promising to put out milk and cookies for him.
Santa-bot: You dare bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!!
And on "Mother's Day":
Mom: If I ever see that man [Prof. Farnsworth] again... I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him!
And in "The Deep South":
Hermes: [discussing Nibbler] I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space.
Don Karnage: When I catch that bothersome Baloo, I tear him into itsy-bitsy pieces of ugly bear! Then I will sew him back together with dull needles!
On South Park, Wendy challenges Cartman to a fight and threatens to shove his head up his own ass and make him eat his own underwear. Cartman, desperate to back out of the fight, offers to eat his underwear so she won't have to. And then he does.
Ren: Oh, what I'm gonna do to you... I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do! And then? I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do... Next, I'm gonna— TEAR YOUR ARMS OUT OF THE SOCKETS! And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya— and you're gonna faaaaaall. And I'm gonna look down— and I'm gonna laaaaaaaugh.
Too bad almost all of this was taken out of the current broadcasts on Nicktoons Network.
Archer: Archer does this to Wodehouse all the time:
"When I get back here, if I find a single dog hair I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes. Also, I need you to go buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but...coarse."
"I'm gonna pain you dearly, Wodehouse, when I peel off all your skin with a flencing knife! And then sew it into Wodehouse pajamas! And then set those pajamas on fire!"
"And now I have to spend the first weekend I've had off in forever coming up with some kind of punishment for this. So don't be surprised if you end up...eating a lot of spiderwebs."
Hey Arnold!: When Lila is chosen to be Juliet for the School play with Arnold, Helga does everything talk her out of it, but eventually Lila manages to get Helga to confess the truth about why she wants to be Juliet so badly. Upon revealing this Helga threatens that if Lila ever told anyone she would pull out her tongue and wrap it around her neck.
Peggy: Oh, I'm so glad you forgave him. I'm not sure how you were going to "Drive your truck through his ass", but you sounded serious.
In the episode "Red October Sky" of the show American Dad!, Sergei, a retired communist spy who swore revenge against Stan, makes a odd threat against him at the end of the episode.
Sergei: I will plant the seeds of revenge and let them grow, then I'll harvest the vegetables of revenge and from those vegetables, I will plant more seeds!
Stan: And then you'll get your revenge.
Sergei: No, Smith. From the third or perhaps fourth harvest of revenge plants, I will make stew and season it perfectly, with revenge!
Fairly OddParents: In the episode where Mark made his debut, an episode of Crash Nebula that Timmy, AJ and Chester were watching, had enemy aliens holding a bunch of astronauts hostage and threatening them that they'd suck out their brains with a straw. Later, Mark used the exact same threat against AJ and Chester when he kept them captive before Timmy came to the rescue.
In one episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog a mother vulture makes Muriel babysit her three hatchlings, and threatens to eat her with a cereal spoon if they're harmed.
One episode of Dave the Barbarian has Dave obtaining a set of gargle pipes (a bagpipes-like instrument) that he uses to spite Candy with its obnoxious sound. She threatens to do something violent to him, but what it is exactly is mostly drowned out and all we can hear is that it involves a fondue fork.
On the What A Cartoon! Show, a Yuckie Duck cartoon had Yuckie as a paramedic, and one of his patients was an angry lion with a carpet tack stuck in his butt.
Lion: Pull it out slow, 'cause if I feel one little pain, I'll tie you up in granny knots!