Cut His Heart Out With A Spoon / Fan Works

"Weasley..." Owen growled, wielding a utensil threateningly in Ron's face, across the table, "If you don't stop badmouthing Jack, I am going to shove this fork somewhere very uncomfortable on your anatomy... and I haven't quite decided exactly where yet."

— The Magic of Torchwood

---

• Advice and Trust: In chapter 4 Asuka is trying to prevent a classmate from finding out that Shinji and she got together, so she denies that he has had sex with her. When their classmate tries to placate her by saying "Of course! He'd never do anything indecent with you!" Asuka gets pissed off and retorts that he would do anything he could with her all night long. Then there's a pregnant pause.
  Asuka: That didn't just happen and none of you remember anything. Or I will scoop out your brains and make a pie, understood?
• Hostage Situation: Amy warns that "Vicky's gonna see if your suit can do Transformer stuff, with you in it," and "Vicky's gonna hit you so hard, they're gonna have to pour you out of that suit." Vicky's own take is, "When I find you, I’m gonna feed your suit through a car crusher with you inside it. Feet first," or possibly creating "a living testament regarding how many bone fractures a person could survive at one time." As it happens, Saint doesn't survive long enough for Vicky to get the chance, as Purity takes offense at his kidnapping of Panacea and leaves Not Enough to Bury.
• In the Jackie Chan Adventures fanfic Queen of All Oni, when Ozeki, the Sumo-khan general attacks Section 13, when he hears about Viper using onions on Jade, he threatens to rip her arms off and gouge out her eyes with her own thumbs.
• Gee, Thanks for all the Love is a Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Harry Potter fanfic where Willow informs Severus Snape that if he ever hurts Xander again, then Buffy will remove Snape's spine with an icepick.
• One Gorillaz fic features Russel informing Murdoc that if he doesn't apologize to 2D, Russel will strangle him (Murdoc) with his own tongue. Murdoc doesn't, so Russel does — this being Murdoc, it is within the realm of physical possibility.
• Bag Enders: "If you don't tell me what's going on, I'll make you watch the entirety of Flipper. Twice."
• A Darker Path:
  • Tattletale has deliberately set her phone ringtone to something that will always wake her up because it's necessary in her line of work. Still, when it rings before dawn, after she had a very late night, she is not happy at all.
    I swear, once I wake up, I'm going to murder someone. With their own phone.
  • When Hatchet Face is furiously chasing Atropos through a building due to her stomping on his Berserk Button, he promises to perform "an act that was both gross and probably impossible without Bonesaw's assistance".
• In the Goof Troop fanfic Teaching Respect, PJ tells his father Pete what will happen if he starts abusing Peg and Pistol:
  PJ: And if you even try swapping me for them, I'll punch you so fucking hard you'll be shitting your own teeth!
• In Oh God, Not Again!, when Harry and Lockhart reach an agreement of sorts regarding the whole Obliviate thing, Harry adds that if he tries to steal one of his accomplishments, he'll beat him to death with a paper napkin.
  Lockhart: CAN you beat someone to death with a paper napkin?
  Harry: [shrugs] I'll have fun trying.
• The Naruto/The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time cross-over parody fic Ocarina of Konoha (found here,) Kyuubi's weapon of choice is a spoon. Until it is later upgraded after the timeskip to a spork.
• The Naruto fanfic Being Found has at least one of these in each of the last three chapters.
  • In chapter 13, after Naruto nearly kills himself while using a dozen exploding clones to utterly disintegrate the revived first and second Hokages:
    Tsunade: And if you ever, ever, try something like what you pulled on the roof again, I'll rip out your spleen through your armpit, and shove it back in through your nose.
  • In chapter 14, a female Haku (who was involved with Naruto) threatens Temari:
    Haku: And while I do not enjoy hurting people, if you ever do anything adverse to Naruto-kun, know that I will freeze the blood in your veins, and shatter your bones.
  • And in chapter 15, Naruto and Shikamaru have this exchange:
    Naruto: It's not your fault, Shika, so stop blaming yourself before I punch you in the face so hard you crap out your eyeballs.
    Shikamaru: That's not physically possible.
    Naruto: Won't stop me from trying to prove you wrong.
• Another Naruto fanfic, Uprooted, has this little gem from Tsunade (directed at the Third Hokage):
  Tsunade: But, as the Head Iryo-nin of Konoha Hospital, I can override you in medical matters. I will declare you unfit for duty, make you eat hospital food until Naruto-kun comes back, make you attend therapy where you will have to keep daily diary of your innermost feelings and play with a pink, squishy ball and wear green paper gown the whole time, carry out painful rectal examinations on you, let my interns use you as a practice dummy when they first learn acupuncture, confiscate all contraband literature and the new, experimental medication just might have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction.
• Hetalia: Axis Powers darkfic Mistakes has a Shout-Out to the far darker Gorn fic Debt. when China tells America to leave him alone or "I will rip your arms off with my bare hands and beat you to death with the wet ends". (In Debt, China actually did cut America's arms off For the Evulz, though not with his bare hands.)
• In the Super Smash Bros. fic Circo de la Luna, Sheik does this towards Ike.
  Sheik: I hate you, you hear me? I hate every-fucking-thing about you! You make my life hell! You should be wiped away from existence! Completely! I swear some day I'll cut you into pieces and feed those little, bloody pieces to the twins piece by piece! One at a time!
  Ike: [in his head] But in another hand, those clouds looked pretty heavy. There could be a chance of rain in the afternoon. Too bad, you couldn't see bruises in the rain...
  Sheik: Then I'll shoot the twins, cram them into a meat grinder, take the minced meat and feed that to the sharks in Alaska! Then I'll pour the water out of the sharks' aquarium and let them die just like that! Then I'll burn them! Burn them so completely there will be only ashes left! And those ashes will be thrown to a bottomless pit! Let's see if you're smirking then!
• In the Death Note AU Point of Succession during one of their sessions together Beyond attempts to kill Light with a stiletto heel. The attempt fails but leaves Light with a nasty scar and Light feels he's been forever marked by him.
• Star Wars: Paranormalities: Early in Episode II, when Zolph Vaelor leaves R9-C4 in control of his fighter during the Battle of Taris, he says this to Colonel G'jan about the droid when the Colonel expresses his concern.
  Zolph: Don't worry, Colonel. I'll turn that little psycho into a coolant barrel and put his brain in a Gonk if he so much as blows up a single X-Wing.

• Eleutherophobia: Ghost in the Shell: When seeing footage of Essa-in-Tom giving Jake a No-Holds-Barred Beatdown, Tom remembers Rachel shouting threats that "had been extremely graphic and mostly centered around the theme of her breaking my skull open with her bare hands, digging the yeerk out with a shrimp fork, and barbecuing it to death over the course of several hours if it laid one more finger on Jake."
• In Chapter 13 of the Superjail! fanfic Extended Stay, the Mistress, who is currently in preterm labor and going through a Screaming Birth, threatens to kill both her new husband, the Warden, and the Delivery Guy and turn their skins into her own personal pajamas. And the scariest part about this is? It's said later that she is actually capable of doing this as she pleases.
• In Malon's Epic Cow Delivery, Navi threatens Link with these constantly, and often follows through.
  • From Chapter 1:
    Navi: [bitch-slaps Link and grabs him by the collar] What have I told you about Breaking the Fourth Wall?
    Link: Ummm, something about tearing me in half and shoving my face up my ass if I ever did it again. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it was something like that. Please don't kill me.
  • From Chapter 4, after Link sacrifices Navi to negate Volvagia's attack, making her swear to kill him if she ever comes back alive, and revives her using Monster Reborn.
    Unfortunately, I can't write what happened next since the story's only rated T. However, I can tell you that it involved a chainsaw, Link's organs, Tabasco sauce, and a llama.
  • From Chapter 8, when Sheik has to replay the Serenade of Water ninety-seven times to teach Link how to play it, and he forgets how immediately after she leaves.
    Link: WHAT THE...? WHERE'D YOU GET A PACK OF RABID BADGERS FROM! NO! DON'T EAT MY SPLEEN!
• In the Soul Eater fic Cabin Fever:
  • There's this exchange when Liz gets fed up with Kid's Obsessively Organized tendencies.
    Kid: We were arranged so perfectly around the window. Could you please move to the right and stand up straight?
    Liz: Fuck you. Talk to me about symmetry one more time and I'll chop off your dick and sew it onto your arm and ruin your symmetry forever!
    Black Star: Liz, wow, I gotta take lessons from you in how to threaten enemies.
  • She gives him another one when he annoys her about quitting smoking right after she runs out of cigarettes.
    Liz: [waving her lighter] I'm going to singe off one of your eyebrows! One!
    Kid: Oh — oh, you — you wouldn't do that to me —
    Liz: I absolutely would and I would enjoy every single second of it, you delightfully flammable idiot.
• Bait and Switch:
  • In The Wrong Reflection a mirror universe Cardassian soldier makes the mistake of calling Lieutenant Kate McMillan "scum" in the hearing of her Klingon boyfriend.
    Lieutenant K'lak: And if you call my parmaqqay^* Klingonese for "girlfriend" "scum" again, I will have your moQDu’^* literally "spheres", fanon for "testicles" as a trophy for my quarters.
    Captain Kanril Eleya: [narrating] Ew.
  • Frostbite: Made on behalf of Eleya:
    Ruul: Talk, or I'll kill [Senior Chief Athezra].
    Athezra: Don't tell him anything, sir.
    Tess: Yes, thank you, Senior Chief, I know how this works. [to Ruul] No, you won't kill him, because A, it still won't make me talk, and B, if you do, our captain will hunt you to the ends of the galaxy, and there won't be a thing you can say or do that will stop her from personally strangling you with your own intestines.
• Resident Nice Guy Gourry considers doing this in Flam Gush to whomever Lina had her first time with. Eventually he decides to downgrade it to simply shredding the man's clothes and dignity into inch-long strips because he believes that it was consensual for Lina. When he finds out he was wrong, he goes back to his original plan, only worse.
• In the MLP fanfic When a Pony Calls, after switching bodies with Lyra, the protagonist threatens to eat a steak if she cuts off his goatee.
• In Lives of Quiet Desperation Pansy Parkinson has a number of bizarre threats for when her older daughter misbehaves, which the kid genuinely enjoys receiving.
  Pansy: Celandine Parkinson, for that I am going to stew you for dinner and keep your bones in a corner for your sister to look at when she grows up, so she knows not to be a naughty girl.
• Harry Potter, Unexpected Animagus has a rather peculiar warning on a certain passage in Gringotts.
  "Bank employees only. All others shall be disemboweled with a blunt spoon while being forced to listen to Yoko Ono songs."
• The New Adventures of Invader Zim:
  • An angry Norlock at one point threatens to make Skoodge eat his own face.
  • During a rant, Gaz says she's going to pound Viera's head in so hard it'll come out of her ass.
  • When angrily talking with a superior over the phone, Miss Bitters threatens to rip their spleen out through their nose.
  • Zim threatens to make Mortos eat his own legs. Norlock says he's actually done that to people.
  • Zim also threatens at one point to sew a live ferret into Norlock's stomach when he feels the vampire is being insolent.
• In Harry Potter and the Gaining of Faith, Faith does this to Kreacher.
  He was furious when he learned that the painting of Lady Black was removed from the main hall. He screamed and shouted at Faith for her part in its removal... until Faith grabbed him by his throat, slammed him against the wall and held her knife within a hair's breadth of his face, saying that she'd skin him slowly and painfully he if he ever came near her or Harry again. And if she caught him going behind and taking the things they were throwing out, she'd cut his fingers, ears, and nose off, grind it into sandwich spread and make him eat it.
• In Facing the Future Series, when Tucker makes a slip about his Accidental Kiss with Sam ("Life Lessons"), she threatens to kick him so hard it would leave a permanent mark on his rear end if he said anything else about it.
• Harry Potter and the Nightmares of Futures Past;
  • It's not clear exactly what Professor Sprout intends to do if she catches the culprit behind the attack on Cho Chang, but it's got Neville spooked and he's not even responsible.
    Neville: I never even thought of using a trowel like that before.
  • Harry warns Sirius that if he gets himself killed again collecting the Horcruxes, Harry will bury him in a dress.
    Harry: I'm sure Mrs Weasley has a nice frock I can borrow. Pink sound good?
• The Magic of Torchwood: Owen + fork and utility thereof.
  Gwen: He'll do it. I've seen him do it.
• In The Secret Return of Alex Mack, when Dr Fraiser hears about the codenames that Jack is choosing, she warns that if he calls her Hot Lips, "he was going to be getting physicals with bent hypodermic needles."
• In Bride of Discord, Discord threatens to turn Zecora into an acorn and feed her to the squirrels if she tells anypony he came to her for advice on his and Fluttershy's relationship.
• Prodigal Son: In Chapter 21.
  Astrid: Fancy meeting you here, Fishlegs.
  Fishlegs: Listen, I know you might be upset...
  Astrid: Upset? No. I'm just curious. Do you think a grown man can drown in just a few inches of water?
• Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series:
  • It mixes this, the Cluster F-Bomb and Sound-Effect Bleep, for:
    "I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF YOUR [Beep] AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR [Beep][Beepbeep][Beeep], AND THEN [Beeepbeepbeepbeeep][Beep] ON YOUR [Beepbeepbeep][Beeep] WITH [Beeep beep][Beeep] IN THE [Beep][Beeepbeeep] AND [Beepbeepbeepbeepbeep] YOU'LL [Beeepbeepbeep] SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO [Beep] SIDEWAYS!! [Beep]"
  • Don't forget:
    Kaiba: Time for a trip to the recycle bin, Phantom. And then once you're in the recycle bin, I'm going to right-click on it and select "empty recycle bin". Because otherwise, you'll just be taking up unnecessary space. In other words, I'm going to kill you.
  • And:
    Kaiba: Oh, there'll be food, all right. So much food that you'll be STUFFED.
    Joey: Was that supposed to be a threat?
    Kaiba: I can't even remember anymore.
  • Also:
    Kaiba: Look, I don't know what the [beep] is going on here, but you're on notice. I don't take kindly to kidnapping and attempted murder. But since you have a God card, I suppose I can allow you to be in my tournament finals. However, try anything funny and I'll probably issue you a stern warning and wag my finger at you. Then you'll be sorry.
• Dragon Ball Z Abridged:
  • Gohan snaps after Piccolo dies:
    Gohan: I'M GOING TO EVISCERATE YOU AND USE YOUR GASTROINTESTINAL TRACT AS A CONDOM, WHILE I FORNICATE WITH YOUR SKULL!!!
    Nappa: What?
    Gohan: I'M GONNA SKULL [bleep] YOU!
  • He comes by it honestly enough, given his mother's reaction to his "hypothetical" kidnapping and Goku's death. (That night, Krillin leaves when he hears Chi-Chi sharpening a knife.)
    Chi-Chi: I'd castrate the messenger in his sleep with a rusty carving knife.
  • Toward the end of the Cell saga, Chi-Chi threatens to castrate Goku with a butterknife for throwing Gohan out against Cell during the Cell Games.

• From episode 13 of TheSEATeam's Soul Eater Abridged, when Black Star refuses to step aside and let Maka fight Crona, she has this to say:
  Maka: Black Star. I will end you. I will rip your balls off, grind them up, and choke you to death with them. I will rip off your legs and crush your torso with them. I will tear off your head and sh*t down your neck. I will shove Soul, as a scythe, up your ass and have him switch from human form to weapon form over and over and over, if you DO - NOT - MOVE!
  [Beat]
  Black Star: [hauling ass out of there] Have-fun-with-the-Demon-Sword!
• Adopted Displaced:
  • During game 1, Wily threatens Mega Man like this if he wakes Vinyl from her nap. It works.
    Dr. Wily: Vinyl's down for her nap, and if you wake her, I will personally tear you limb from limb, hook your head, CPU, and personality core up to a potato battery to keep all three running, and make you watch a remix of Teletubbies, Batman & Robin, and My Little Pony Newborn Cuties endlessly!
  • Air Man does his own version later.
    Air Man: The Items belong to Vinyl. Make sure you return them to her. If you don't, I will feed you your own limbs with marinara sauce and oil.
• Hellsister Trilogy has Satan Girl swear to tear her genetic template's eyes out and eat them.
• In Eigengrau Zwei: Die Welt Ist Grau Geworden, Grenadine is threatened with being boiled in his own semen. When it actually comes down to it, though, Dim just sets him ablaze.
• In Kara of Rokyn, Jara threatens Black Flame like this if she insults her tribe again.
  Jara: You've just about got it up for me to give you a preview of the match right here. There aren't enough of the Clan left hardly to count anymore, and you want to down them. I ought to pull your tongue out through your nostrils.
• A Prize for Three Empires has Deathbird, whose threats usually include promises of ripping off eyes, tongue or face.
  Deathbird showed Carol her teeth, and held both hands full of claws before her face. "For such impudence, I would strip another’s flesh from her face. Then I would let them bleed to death in their bonds."
• One episode of Scarlet Lady has Marinette threaten to impale Nino with a clipboard if he doesn't dial back on the prima donna director behaviour. Precisely how she plans to accomplish this is uncertain, but fun to imagine.
• Team 8: After Neji beats Hinata to a pulp and nearly kills her, Naruto internally plans to beat him until his hair bleeds.
• That Others May Tinker: After Dennis is caught flat-footed by Taylor's completely unsubtle hints, and freezes up without managing to say anything further, Brittany warns him that, "If the next words out of your mouth aren't, 'Taylor, do you want to see a movie with me' I’m climbing over this table and beating you to death with your food tray."
• Underverse: After Cross manages to steal Underfell's Snowdin, Underfell Papyrus calls Underfell Sans, blames the entire situation on him, and then delivers this threat:
  Papyrus: I'LL GIVE YOU TEN MINUTES TO HIDE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE... BECAUSE WHEN I FIND YOU... I'LL USE YOUR SKULL TO SERVE MY SPAGHETTI!!!

---