Cut His Heart Out With A Spoon / Webcomics

• This this gem from Multiplex.
  Kurt: Well, if the shoe fits...
  Jason: I'm gonna shove that shoe so far up your ass, you'll be able to floss with the laces.
• In Joff's Life and Death on The Duck, Death tells an almost-victim that if he ever tells anyone about meeting Death, he'll kill him. The man replies, "Weren't you going to kill me some day anyway?" and Steve says, "Yes, but I'll kill you AFTER I remove your organs with a damp sponge."
• A Cyanide and Happiness comic had the delightful; "Touch me again, and I will kill you so hard you will die to death".
• The Order of the Stick:
  • The quote formerly atop the page came from Belkar Bitterleaf. In it, he was threatening a horse that had tackled him when the party was attacked. "I owe you a world of hurt, horse, and I always pay my debts. One day, when you least expect it, you're going to wake up as glue. And not the good stuff either, the cheap white paste that the weird kids eat!"
  • Another example of this, this time from the Monster in the Darkness: "Order of the Stick! Your broken corpses will taste delicious lightly seasoned with nutmeg!"
  • "I will bathe in your blood with lavender bath gel and a good loofah!"
  • "Who will be the moron when Gortok's white-hot anger crushes your little body into a mangled pulp while Gortok sings a jaunty tune to accompany your unanswered cries for mercy?"
  • "Tell us what we need to know, OR — I'll cry. You heard me. I'll start bawling like a toddler who dropped their ice cream on the sidewalk. In front of your friends, your teachers, any girls you like. And I'll tell them it's because YOU won't be my friend."
  • "If I ever see you with more eyes than assholes, I'm going to shove one into the other and give your cloak to that hobgoblin."
  • "But you can look for yourself when I shove that barrel (of pickles) up your uterus.
  • Belkar to a vampire (Durkula): "I am going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm sunny days!"
  • The flesh golem that used to be Crystal to Haley: "I'm going to tear off your head and hit you in the face with it!"
  • #666 has O-Chul threatening Belkar to gut him with his bare hands. Yes, Cut His Heart Out With A Spoon without the spoon.
• 8-Bit Theater:
  • "Astos? Mo like yo ass is toast!": so bad it actually killed the guy.
  • "You know what? Sarda ca-" Clevinger is somewhat fond of this this. "...FU...and THEN...-stupid...until the handle breaks off and I shove it up his a...I'd go... the hardcore stuff....make him regret being born a man."
  • And even better: "If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself so hard it will kill you instead."
• Page 2 of Digger. Not only do they plan to kill and skin Digger, but they want to "Write the left hand names of God" on her skin. In purple ink.
  • Of course, this isn't a threat to them. This is what they do and they don't understand people not being thrilled by the idea.
  • Also, when Digger gets angry she says " "I'll kill it! I'll break its face and feed it gravel through a straw! I'll- I'll- <I will construct its dwelling with inferior materials!>"
    • Possibly justified, as wombats are a race of engineers and architects and have a lot of sayings and insults like this. Word of God is that they flow better in the original Wombat language.
• Girl Genius's Krosp I seems to let his Talking Animal instincts take over, as he warns, "I'm serious. Mess with me and your shoes are mine."
  • Agatha with her appreciation of Tarvek's proposal to "sort out" Gil.
  • Dr. Sun actually manages to cow Bangaldesh Dupree by warning her, "Please refrain from damaging any more of my staff, or else I will personally rip off your arms and feed them to you."
• In a Penny Arcade strip appropriately named "I Hope You Like Text", Tycho makes an extremely long and convoluted threat to Gabe for insisting Warhammer is a ripoff of Warcraft, the gist of which is "I will kill myself, take over Hell, drill my way back to Earth, incinerate you, and destroy the world."
  • The fans loved it so much, the Penny Arcade website now has a hoodie you can buy with the entire threat printed on the back. And it is awesome.
  • Tycho gets another one in "Duplicity" when calling Cold Stone Creamery after the Fremont location runs out of cake batter ice cream and the girl serving him tried to substitute cookie dough (we don't hear all of it sadly).
    Tycho: YOU'D BETTER TELL HER TO GREASE UP THE OL' SHITTER, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO ROLL AN ENTIRELY CUSTOM DEEP-BORE DRILLING MACHINE DIRECTLY-
• Used straight and then dragged out in this strip of A Modest Destiny.
• From Narbonic:
  Helen: Talk, or I'll drop you into an oil drum full of shaved gerbils and Jell-O.
  Dave: I'm already in an oil drum full of shaved gerbils and Jell-O.
  • And from Skin Horse:
  UNITY: So who's the old bat?
  Notary Public: Speak with respect! This is the High Abbess. Try anything and she'll hand you your butt. She will then certify in triplicate that you legally took possession of your own butt. Your demise shall have a scrupulous paper trail.
• Something*Positive has many examples:
  • "DO NOT FUCK WITH ME, LITTLE MAN! My patience has long since been taxed and I will not hesitate to pull the oily rag you call a soul from your body, set it aflame, and jam it back down your gullet!"
  • "Yes, Jhim, very mad. In fact, I think if you'd done that, I'd have had to do something to show you how displeased I was, like finding where you sleep tonight, stake you through the heart with my penis and ejaculate steaming white hate into your blood."
  • "I'm not going to bully you, Cab. I'm going to sit back and watch as hordes of angry flannel-wearing women sodomize you with your own cock without severing it."
  • "I swear, if he upsets her one more time I'm gonna beat him so hard it'll send ripples back in time and prevent his granddaddy from plantin' baby seeds."
  • "If one spore's missing from my science project, I'll punch open your chest and fuck your still-beating heart." "Uh, Miss? You don't have a dick." "So you DID destroy my science project!"
• In this Sluggy Freelance strip, the cute talking bunny of the strip threatens to neuter his owner with a spoon. Ouch.
  • And in another strip:
    Torg: My New Years resolution is to avoid having Gwynn stick a fork in my head.
    Gwynn: Maybe I'll use a spoon. It'll hurt more.
• Checkerboard Nightmare makes itself relevant again. The Secret Lawyers Society is so disappointed with Lyle that they're going to slowly decrease the temperature of the room until he has to put his hands in his pants pockets.
• Questionable Content gave us the gem: "I will re-enact General Sherman's march to the sea, using your face as Georgia."
  • Marten's mother chipped in the delightfully open-to-interpretation: "If you hurt my boy I will introduce you to a whole new realm of suffering. We're talkin' stuff that would make Hieronymous Bosch shit his britches, capisce?"
  • Faye was introduced with the phrase, "If I sense any lusting, I will stab you and then poop in the wound."
• In Buck Godot, the trope name is, due to the peculiarities of Hoffmanite culture, a perfectly viable threat.
  • While Hoffmanites may be able to make good on the spoon threat thanks to their great strength, there's probably only one race in the galaxy that considers "I'll floss his teeth!" to be a viable threat.
• The Touhou Project fancomic Touhou Nekokayou has Tenshi threaten Marisa with "I'm gonna hit you so hard, your descendants will feel it!" (They do.)
• Queen of Wands, here:
  Kestrel: Angela's one of my best friends, and if you do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to hurt her? I will rip your heart out. Via your urethra.
  Seamus: Ha! Yeah, I know, I... You aren't joking, are you?
  Kestrel: As serious as a hemophiliac in a razor factory.
• The Adventures of Dr. McNinja's Dan McNinja does this in the last frame of this page to a crew of pirates who have just informed him that they have kidnapped his son:
  Dan: Oh you sons of sea cows will wish you'd never been born with limbs on your bodies! Because I'm going to come on that ship and show you how many delicious stocks and braises I can make with them!
• Tim Buckley in Ctrl+Alt+Del hates the cheapness that is Crimson Viper in Street Fighter IV. In his news post, he wishes he could punch her in the face with a cinderblock boxing glove. In the related comic, he swears he will "face fuck her with a dump truck."
• Dominic Deegan features the appropriately-named Professor Runcible Spoon yelling "I'LL KILL YOU TIL YOU DIE FROM IT!"
• In Bob and George, Bob once told Treble to stop chasing the mini-author or he'd "neuter him with a dull spoon."
• Exterminatus Now gives us this delightful quote with Lothar as the gang ruin his birthday.
  Lothar: That's it, I'll just kill them... with a spork!"
• In Vinci and Arty, Arty does not take kindly to unsafe drivers: "PUT YOUR GODDAMN CELL PHONE AWAY WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING BEFORE I SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR COLON YOU'LL BE FARTING FREE MINUTES FOR A WEEK!"
• From Sodium Eyes, a strip full of odd analogies:
  ...so you better get one thing straight in those whimpering skunk fetuses you twice-inbred Sasquatches dare call brains. If even one of you hemorrhaging shit-apes so much as blinks wrong, I'll see to it personally that you're lapping rat bile off an AIDS-infested twat rag by the end of the week. Got it?!
• Bug shows us some discontinued methods of execution, which were discontinued for good reason.
• From Hark! A Vagrant: "And if I catch you back here by God I'll make you sit in the corner MYSELF." And this after the threat of a Strongly Worded Letter.
  Superintendent: He'll think twice about that.
  Officer: Sir!
• In Bobwhite, Ivy successfully scares an art classroom into submission this way:
  Ivy: Well, you'd better do your work and make me look good or so help me I'll... I'll... I'll be completely honest when I critique your art!
• From Buttersafe's comic "The Threat": "If you say one more thing about my bike, I will punch you in every genital you own."
• Schlock Mercenary:
  • A tank versus infantry.
    Tank Pilot: If you say anything more I will amputate your mouth at the hip.
  • Tagon hasn't had a good time (including taking a fork in the eye that he kept as a trophy), and things get worse with Shodan imitating his employer's extremely annoying manner of speaking.
    Shodan: Ah-hey! An overflowing challenge! With ironic timeliness!
    Tagon: Keep that accent up and I'll overflow you with my trophy fork.
  • One consciousness simulated as a computer program in a virtual world to another:
    Thurl: And yet you have been-
    Murtaugh: Thurl. If you say "getting busy" I will punch you so hard you'll have to spawn child processes just to feel all the pain.
  • In the midst of a tense moment, as a F'sherl-ganni professor is scouring through screens and deeming what he sees "inefficient".
    Liz: So help me, professor, if you're complaining about not having map pins, I will climb right up your neck and scowl at you so hard your degrees flake off.
    Professor: Why do I believe that's a thing you can actually do?
• Leftover Soup seems to like these:
  • Early on, Max and Ellen, back to back, recognize the potential for Jamie to end up with the other, romantically and/or sexually, and make the point of saying so to his face, following up with threats against his person if he ever hurts her. Max's threat is to "yank your nuts all of the way off and cram them down your throat", while Ellen's is to "rip your head off and cram it up your ass"... to which he mutters "Well, at least then I'd be able to find my balls."
  • Later, we learn that there's an entire web-famous Voice Clip Song made from the answering machine message she once drunkenly left for her cheating ex, including threats to "cram a scorpion up your urethra" and "shit directly into your living brain".
  • Ellen's response to Max perving on her dad is to threaten to "reach down your throat, out your asshole, grab your toes, and pull your feet up through your mouth" if she keeps talking.
• In an El Goonish Shive guest strip, Vladia threatens to rip Hedge's ribcage out and wear it as a hat.
• xkcd: The title text for Set Theory states that a "proof by intimidation" includes as step 2, "When I reach step 3, if S hasn't managed to find a well-ordered relation of itself, I'll feed it into this wood chipper."
  Step 3: Hey, look, S is well ordered.
• A particularly bizarre — but apparently effective — one (combined with equally bizarre Badass Boast) from Dumbing of Age, when Danny takes offense at being called a dork ... sort of:
  Danny: Dork? I'm not a dork. I'm mother-effing King Dorkus. I'm Emperor Dorkus. I'm dorkus to the end, ride or die. Now give my hot girlfriend her room extension, or I will sing every single Pokémon at you. There are over a thousand, and by the time I'd finish, there would be more.

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