Pam, if a single one of these has left this building, I will personally sew you into a canvas bag full of rats and throw that bag into the river.
— Sterling Archer, "The Figgis Agency", Archer
- The Action Man (2000) episode "Grey Areas" had Fidget make a comical threat, only to quickly realize that the act of violence is not possible.Fidget: If he comes back, I'll rip his head off and shove it up his nose... Wait, your nose is on your head, THAT WON'T WORK!
- The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 episode "The Beauty of Kootie": When Kootie Pie finds out Casanova Koopa is really Luigi in disguise, she threatens to tie his lips behind his head so he wouldn't kiss again.
- Taken quite literally in The Amazing World of Gumball, to a point in which the episode is actually called "The Spoon". In the episode, a robber named Sal Left Thumb robs the clerk at a local convenient store and threatens the clerk with a spoon.
- American Dad!:
- In the episode "Red October Sky", Sergei, a retired communist spy who swore revenge against Stan, makes an odd threat against him at the end of the episode.Sergei: I will plant the seeds of revenge and let them grow, then I'll harvest the vegetables of revenge and from those vegetables, I will plant more seeds!
Stan: And then you'll get your revenge.
Sergei: No, Smith. From the third or perhaps fourth harvest of revenge plants, I will make stew and season it perfectly, with revenge! - In "Son of Stan", after Francine wins a competition between her and Stan to decide how Steve should be raised, Stan creates a clone of Steve to raise himself until he develops Clone Angst and kidnaps the original. Steve, having become disobedient from Francine's Hands-Off Parenting, refuses to leave the cage he was put in until Francine gives him one hell of an ultimatum:Francine: Steven Smith, I am your mother! If you don't get out of that cage, I will shove you back up my clown hole, birth you again, and name you my bitch! Now, get out of that cage!
- In the episode "Red October Sky", Sergei, a retired communist spy who swore revenge against Stan, makes an odd threat against him at the end of the episode.
- Aladdin: The Series:
- Genie of all people gives one in the episode "Mission Imp-Possible". When Aladdin is poisoned, Genie has no choice but to team up with Nefir to get the cure, despite the mutual animosity between their species. During their journey, after facing each obstacle that protects the temple in which the cure is kept, Genie, to his growing irritation, is repeatedly charged ridiculous amounts of money by Nefir. When they finally reach the temple, Nefir is all ready to charge him another fee, but then Genie shoots back with this.Genie: (in a sing-song type voice) Give me another bill, and I'll rip out your spine and floss with it.
Nefir: (quickly puts the bill away with a sheepish smile)
- Genie of all people gives one in the episode "Mission Imp-Possible". When Aladdin is poisoned, Genie has no choice but to team up with Nefir to get the cure, despite the mutual animosity between their species. During their journey, after facing each obstacle that protects the temple in which the cure is kept, Genie, to his growing irritation, is repeatedly charged ridiculous amounts of money by Nefir. When they finally reach the temple, Nefir is all ready to charge him another fee, but then Genie shoots back with this.
- Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Shake attempts to mow Carl's lawn... with fire. When Carl calls him about it later, he threatens to shove Shake's face into a pastrami slicer.
- Archer:
- Archer does this to Woodhouse all the time:Archer: When I get back here, if I find a single dog hair I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes. Also, I need you to go buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.
Archer: I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse, when I peel off all your skin with a flensing knife! And then sew it into Woodhouse pajamas! And then set those pajamas on fire!
Archer: And now I have to spend the first weekend I've had off in forever coming up with some kind of bizarre punishment for this. So don't be surprised if you end up... eating a big bowl of spiderwebs* . - There are a few that don't involve Woodhouse. In "Placebo Effect", Sterling remarks that, if a pharmacist doesn't tell him where some fake chemotherapy drugs are being warehoused, he will take a knife and slowly insert it into the man's urethra.
- Malory can be downright terrifying when she's angry:
- In "On the Carpet," she threatens to literally emasculate Kriger.Malory: Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice.
Woodhouse: Straightaway, mum.
Malory: Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and straight razor.
Lana: You are not emasculating Krieger!
Krieger: [genuinely scared] What the hell was the mirror for?
Malory: So you can watch! - In "The Man from Jupiter:"Malory: So help me God, if you throw that computer on the floor again, you'll wake up in a mental ward with total amnesia under someone else's name!
- After Archer steals her credit card in "The Honeymooners:"
- After Krieger kidnaps her infant granddaughter to use for market research:Malory: And, Krieger? I swear to God, if I catch you near this child again...
Krieger: But— [immediately shuts up as the laser sight of Malory's gun drifts downward to his crotch]
Malory: And the implied threat here is that I will shoot you in the genitals and then sit here sipping Amontillado Sherry while you bleed to death.
- In "On the Carpet," she threatens to literally emasculate Kriger.
- Lana gets in a few as well.Lana: I will break both of your collarbones, rip them out of your body, and use them to play — in its entirety and on your head — "Moby Dick".
Lana: If you wake this baby, I will climb inside you with my shoes on.
- Archer does this to Woodhouse all the time:
- In the Batman: The Animated Series episode "The Strange Secret of Bruce Wayne", the Joker threatens to use Hugo Strange's head as a bowling ball when he, Two-Face and the Penguin are convinced that Strange had scammed them by lying about knowing Batman's secret identity.
- Beast Wars:
- Megatron has a good one in "Possession" when he discovers that Starscream is being, well, The Starscream.Megatron: Ugh! Starscream and Blackarachnia! I'll have both their treacherous hides! Yeeessss... I'll-I'll melt them down and use them for aluminum siding! Oh, yes, indeed!
- A bit earlier, in "Dark Voyage", Dinobot is a little ticked a trap set up for him and several other Maximals has left them blind and contaminated with energon:Dinobot: I'll tear Scorponok's processor out for this! And Waspinator's, too!
- Megatron has a good one in "Possession" when he discovers that Starscream is being, well, The Starscream.
- In the Biker Mice from Mars episode "Steal of the Century", the Pulverizer threatens to tear out the Biker Mice's whiskers and use them to floss his teeth.
- Bump in the Night: The Christmas Episode "Twas the Night Before Bumpy" has Molly Coddle driven to becoming a Prima Donna Director to break through the apathy of the people who are supposed to participate in the Christmas pageant, with her first act of belligerence being when she threatens to tape a hairy wombat to everyone.
- Courage the Cowardly Dog:
- "Watch the Birdies" had a mother vulture make Muriel babysit her three hatchlings: "If I come back here and find just one feather out of place on their little heads... I'm gonna eat ya with this cereal spoon!"
- In "Courage Under the Volcano", Chief Wiki Wiki threatens to tattoo Courage's face if they survive the volcano's eruption.
- One episode of Dave the Barbarian has Dave obtaining a set of gargle pipes (a bagpipes-like instrument) that he uses to spite Candy with its obnoxious sound. She threatens to do something violent to him, but what it is exactly is mostly drowned out and all we can hear is that it involves a fondue fork.
- In another episode Lula tells Dave "remind me later and I'll do horrible things to you with a cheese grater!"
- Dilbert has some sort of security guard crash course instructor who claims he can kill a man with his thumb. He then asks for a volunteer, and actually gets one, who changes his mind when Dilbert points out the obvious. Moments later, the instructor accidentally thumbs himself in the neck and dies instantly.
- Drawn Together: "Then Ling-Ling kill you slow and use skull for sex, then as decorative birdhouse!"
- Then there was Captain Hero's rather... bizarre threats in "Captain Hero's Marriage Pact".Wooldoor: I'm not comfortable doing that.
Captain Hero: Would you be more comfortable if I broke your arm in three places and wrapped it in 100 dollar bills?
Wooldoor: Are you threatening me? Or... bribing me?
Captain Hero: What an insulting accusation! Take that back before I pull out your spleen and then drive you to the hospital... (pulls out keys) in your BRAND NEW CAR!
- Then there was Captain Hero's rather... bizarre threats in "Captain Hero's Marriage Pact".
- Ed, Edd n Eddy:
- In "My Fair Ed", when Edd shows Eddy his hat as having been tied into a pretzel shape, he says that Kevin threatened to do the same to his legs.
- In "The Good Ol' Ed", Ed tries this while trying to scare the hiccups out of Double D.Ed: I AM A ZOMBIE AND I WILL MALICE YOU WITH A SHOEHORN!
Edd: *hic!* [half scared, half confused] Malice me with a shoehorn?!
- The Fairly OddParents!: In the episode where Mark made his debut, an episode of Crash Nebula that Timmy, AJ and Chester were watching had enemy aliens holding a bunch of astronauts hostage and threatening them that they'd suck out their brains with a straw. Later, Mark used the exact same threat against AJ and Chester when he kept them captive before Timmy came to the rescue.
- Family Guy: When Chris asked Stewie if he wanted ice cream, this was his reply:Stewie: Fine, but no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
- In the third episode of Final Space, Gary and Avocato are trapped in a hellish labyrinth and get attacked by sentient, murderous cookies. One of them says that he'll eat their eyes, while another adds that they'll pee in their sockets.
- In the Futurama episode "Xmas Story", when they try to avoid getting killed by Santa-bot by promising to put out milk and cookies for him.Santa-bot: You dare bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far up your stocking you'll be coughing up diamonds!!
- And on "Mother's Day":Mom: If I ever see that man [Prof. Farnsworth] again... I swear I'll jam a squirrel in him!
- And in "The Deep South":Hermes: [discussing Nibbler] I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space.
- From "Insane in the Mainframe", Roberto's description of what will happen to Fry if he testifies against him:Roberto... And the other hamburger will also be made of your lungs.
- And on "Mother's Day":
- In the Gravedale High episode "He Ain't Scary, He's My Brother", a punk named Roadkill gets angry at Frankentyke and threatens to tear his head off and spit down his neck.
- The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy:Mandy: You're gonna do it, or so help me, I will pull your stupid cloak through your eyes and use it as reins to ride your bony butt back to the darkest pits of the Underworld FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!
- Later in Big Boogey Adventure:Grim (while he's in the "anger" stage of grief): I'm gonna rip Boogey's nose off and put it in a jar!
- In "Guess What's Coming to Dinner?", when a traumatized Principal Goodvibes says that he won't be admitting Billy to Rollington Academy, Hoss threatens to send him back to his mama with a jelly jar shoved up his nose.
- Later in Big Boogey Adventure:
- Hey Arnold!: When Lila is chosen to be Juliet for the school play with Arnold, Helga does everything to talk her out of it, but eventually Lila manages to get Helga to confess the truth about why she wants to be Juliet so badly. Upon revealing this Helga threatens that if Lila ever told anyone she would pull out her tongue and wrap it around her neck.
- Invincible (2021): When crime lord Machine Head gets betrayed by his stone-encased minion Titan and needs to bring hired help to fend him and others off, he threatens in his Auto Tuned voice:Machine Head: I'm gonna grind you up and use you to pave my driveway!
- In the Johnny Bravo episode "Full Metal Johnny", the drill sergeant at one point threatens that she will tear Johnny's head off and plant posies in his neck.
- In the "Freaky Friday" Flip episode of Johnny Test, Hugh gives a "Reason You Suck" Speech to Bumper while in his son's body, which results in Unstoppable Rage and a chase all the way back to the Test household. When Bumper catches up, he has this to say.Bumper: TEST!!! I'M GONNA MAKE YOUR FEET YOUR EARS!!!
- Kaeloo: In Episode 105, Mr. Cat meets one of his own negative thoughts, which has been extracted from his head and given the form of a miniature version of himself. When he gets into a fight with it, it starts out with yelling dangerous-sounding threats such as disemboweling him, but soon runs out and switches to more comical ones such as "double boilering" him.
- King of the Hill has this bit of dialogue in one episode:Peggy: Oh, I'm so glad you forgave him. I'm not sure how you were going to "Drive your truck through his ass", but you sounded serious.
- A Giant Mook made the mistake of making a long and nonsensical one to Korgoth in Korgoth of Barbaria after Korgoth had just wiped the floor with the rest of the mooks. When Korgoth loses patience with the speech, he interrupts by killing the Giant Mook in one of the most absurd/painful ways possible
. - In the LEGO Star Wars: The Freemaker Adventures episode "The Lost Treasure of Cloud City", when Kordi learns that Zander took Rowan to a pit fighting ring, she threatens him that if he does it again she'll launch him into hyperspace with her boots.
- The Life and Times of Juniper Lee:
- In the first episode, when Ray-Ray asks June if he can look after an imprisoned djinn, she coldly threatens to instead give him a wedgie so fierce he'll stop growing.
- After beating up the demonic warlord Maret, June gave him a good one:June: Now if you ever go near my family again, they're gonna need a 6th Level locator spell just to find what's left of you. Jerk.
- In The Loud House episode "Get the Message", when Lincoln gets distracted playing a virtual reality game and wanders into Lori and Leni's room, Lori threatens to literally turn him into a human pretzel if he does it again.
- A webisode of Mighty Magiswords had Vambre threatened her own brain that she would hollow her out with a grapefruit spoon if she attempts to bring back an annoying Ear Worm.
- In the Mickey MouseWorks short "Pit Crew", Pete threatens to pinch the heads off of his pit crew (Mickey, Donald and Goofy) if they don't come over to fix his racecar immediately.
- The My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic episode "The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000" has Rainbow Dash upset after she and her friends fail to beat the Flim Flam brothers in the cider-making contest. She threatens to press the brothers into jerk cider before Applejack restrains her.
- The grand battle scene against Dr. D's robot army in Phineas and Ferb: Across the 2nd Dimension is set to an original song titled "Robot Riot", which packs some choice threats in its lyrics. Granted, they are threats against robotkind, but they're still really colorful. E.G.:"I'm gonna rip you up and put you back together in a new configuration just to mow my lawn."
- The Ren & Stimpy Show, "Sven Hoek":Ren: Oh, what I'm gonna do to you... I'm so angry! First, I'm gonna tear your lips out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do! And then? I'm gonna gouge your eyes out! Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do... Next, I'm gonna— TEAR YOUR ARMS OUT OF THE SOCKETS! And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya— and you're gonna faaaaaall. And I'm gonna look down— and I'm gonna laaaaaaaugh.
- On Rocko's Modern Life, Rocko loses his patience with a supermarket cashier after he misses a big sale by a matter of seconds due to the cashier:Filbert: [as the register reads $1.50] And your total is... [the clock strikes noon, and the total promptly jumps to $150] one hundred and fifty dollars. Gee... Looks like you just missed our big sale... Have a nice day...
[Rocko looks on in horror, and after a few seconds, promptly flips the hell out]
Rocko: You cheap little rotter! I've been run over by a car, made to drag around a gimp shopping cart, threatened by your gestapo security guards, had me head set on fire, I was attacked by wild lobsters, beaten by a very large woman, had me dog wrapped in plastic, nearly starved to death, and I still beat the twelve o'clock deadline! So if you don't change the total back to a dollar fifty, I WILL DO SOMETHING NOT NICE!!!!
[the cashier promptly turns it back to $1.50] - In Samurai Jack, Jack's first opponent in the Dome of Doom, Gordo the Gruesome, is a master of smack talk, and most of his threats follow this pattern. Behold:"I will hang you out like laundry! I will beat you like a drum! I will make your mother cry! I will make your Aunt Edna from Gorfield, south of Barnaby, cry!"
- In Sealab 2021, con man Master Loo is being challenged to a fight by one of the main characters when he begins levitating and glowing green. He deadpans the following:Master Loo: See the way my body's glowing? Yeah. A lot of people can't do that. Okay, you want some? You want some of the glowing? Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit. I read that somewhere. But I'll do it.
- The Simpsons example: Some of Moe's reactions to Bart's prank calls qualify for this, e.g. "Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"
- "If I find out who this is, I'll nail a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"
- "When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!"
- "Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! And then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
- When Bart makes a prank call to a Swedish bar, the bartender, in a grim Ingmar Bergman parody, merely intones "If I ever find you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor."
- Subverted on another occasion, where Homer enters the family's new horse in a race and declares "If he doesn't win, we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and he won't get to come."
- When Homer gets a job as a tow truck driver, another driver says that if Homer treads on his turf, he'll "Rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, and then stuff them both down your neck-hole, to which I previously alluded."
- Apu fails faking indignation badly: "I'm so angry I could just ... fall asleep!".
- When Lisa finds out Bart has been using his Mr. Microphone to make the entire town think he was Timmy O'toole-in-the-well, she warns him that, once the townspeople find out, they're "going to want to cut you up with rusty razors."
- On South Park, Wendy challenges Cartman to a fight and threatens to shove his head up his own ass and make him eat his own underwear. Cartman, desperate to back out of the fight, offers to eat his underwear so she won't have to. And then he does.Cartman: I'll make you eat your parents.
Stan: He'll do it, dude. - SpongeBob SquarePants: In "Wet Painters", Mr. Krabs gives SpongeBob and Patrick a job in painting the inside of his house, and if they get paint on anything but the wall...Mr. Krabs: I'll have yer rear ends cut off and mounted OVER ME FIREPLACE! So have fun with the job!
- The Devil's descriptions of hell on Squidbillies, especially in the song "Hoofprints":As I ram your carcass through an impossibly small hole into a sea of flaming hot human feces, and you can't draw a breath yet your lungs are filled with that same flaming hot human feces!
- Don Karnage does this in TaleSpin.Don Karnage: When I catch that bothersome Baloo, I tear him into itsy-bitsy pieces of ugly bear! Then I will sew him back together with dull needles!
- Tigtone: The demon in the Caves of Peganone—who claims that the magic boots are his—delivers a series of descriptions of what he's going to do to Tigtone that falls flat at the end:Demon: I shall slice open your pelvis, and use the two big holes as a mask!
[Tigtone imagines Demon using his pelvis as a mask; "Dun dun DAH!" Sting plays.]
Demon: I will use your skull as a bowl, and scoop your brains out until you die!
[Tigtone imagines Demon scooping his brains out; "Dun dun DAH!" Sting plays again.]
Demon: I hope you have valued your life, puny human, for soon I shall wear it around my neck!
[Tigtone merely looks confused; music fizzles out] - In the VeggieTales episode "The Star of Christmas", Moyer catches Milward and Cavis trying to steal what they believe to be the titular Star of Christmas, and begins chasing after them, exclaiming a variety of names and threats, such as "You're gonna be singin' out the other side of your nose when I'm through with you!" and "I'm gonna yo-yo you 'till ya cry for mercy and beg the Queen to lock ya in the Tower of London!"
- On the Ghosts of Sargasso episode of The Venture Bros., Brock Sampson acquires a walkie-talkie and uses it to threaten the "G.P." Captain with..."Hey Captain, I've got your key. I hope you're hungry. 'Cause I'm gonna feed it to you."
- In the What A Cartoon! Show, a Yuckie Duck cartoon had Yuckie as a paramedic, and one of his patients was an angry lion with a carpet tack stuck in his butt, who warns Yuckie "Pull it out slow, 'cause if I feel one little pain, I'll tie you up in granny knots!" When Yuckie accidentally pulls one of the guy's teeth, the lion makes good on his threat.
