Fair warning for Late Arrival Spoilers in regards to Season 16 and all other seasons beyond this point!
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: ...What?! I mean, why are we out here, in this canyon?
Grif: (awkwardly) Oh. Uh... yeah.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about God?
Grif: (quickly) Uh...hm? Nothing!
Simmons: You wanna talk about it?
Grif: (sighs) No.
Simmons: You sure?
Grif: (annoyed) Yeah.
Grif: Shotgun- fuck!
Donut: Shotgun's lap!
Caboose: You ever wonder why we're here?
Church: You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened to me, you know what I've learned? Its not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. You should hate someone because they're an assholenote , or a pervertnote , or snobnote , or they're lazynote , or arrogantnote or an idiotnote or know-it-allnote . Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or because they're Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
Caboose: ...I meant why are we up here in the sun, when we could be standing down there in the shade?
Church: ...Oh. Yeah, okay, let's go stand in the shade.
Church: We don't! That's part of our charm! Quit fuckin' it up!
Wash: Damn! It's gone invisible! Keep an eye on your motion trackers, and watch your perimeters, look for a shimmer!
Church: It turned invisible?! What is this thing?!
Wash: It takes the equipment of other Freelancers, it must have picked up cloaking from Tex!
Church: ...Wait a second - Any equipment?
Wash: Yes! ...Why?
Church: Shit, Wyoming! Cover me!
(Church jumps over the wall and runs forward, grabbing a rocket launcher on the way and prepares to fire it at the Meta while hiding behind some cover)
Wash: What? Wyoming?! Caboose, cover him! Grab those spike grenades!
Church: (panicky) No! Don't let Caboose help me!
(The Meta decloaks and starts firing at Church, who is still trying to look for a good shot)
Wash: There it is!
Church: (exasperated) Hey! How 'bout a little help out here?!
Wash: On it! Caboose! Toss that grenade!
(Wash throws a frag grenade over the wall. Caboose promptly throws his spike grenade right into the wall in front of both him and Wash. Its fuse starts to burn down very slowly for no real reason as both Caboose and Wash stare at it in Stunned Silence)
Wash: That was the worst throw... ever. Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
Church: When it goes off, I'll be fine. It only affects computers, remember? And I, am a motherfuckin' ghost.
I am disappointed by your decision to press charges, but I am not surprised. My only hope is that the courts will see the matters differently than you have. You see, I never had the chance to serve in battle, nor did fate provide me the opportunity to sacrifice myself for humanity as it did for so many others in the Great War. Someone extremely dear to me was lost very early in my life. My mind has always plagued me with the question; if the choice had been placed in my hands, could I have saved her? The memory of her has haunted me my entire life, and more so in these last few years than I could ever have imagined. But given the events of these past few weeks, I feel confident that had I been given the chance, I would have made those sacrifices myself. Had I only the chance.
I know that you disagreed with my methods and that others will as well. This is beyond my control. However, I cannot imagine that any court would be able to convict me, no matter how low their opinion of my actions might be. You must understand one basic fact for all this to make sense, my dear Chairman; these AI, they all come from somewhere; they are all based on a person. Our Alpha was no exception. And while the law has many penalties for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors that we inflict on ourselves. So you send your men. They won't find themselves a fight. They'll only find an old man. An old man tired, but satisfied he did his duty. An old man weary from a mind more filled with memory, than it is with hope.
The former director of Project Freelancer, Dr. Leonard Church.
Tucker: Where the hell did he go?
C.T.: (appears from behind Tucker, holding him at riflepoint) Freeze!
Tucker: Damn it!
C.T.: Tucker, I should've killed you the second I laid eyes on you! I would've been long gone if you hadn't interfered!
(Tucker backs up until he hits the very edge of the temple)
Tucker: (sighs) Okay dude, I guess you got me. I've got nowhere to go. Just tell me one thing though - who are you really? And who sent you here?
C.T.: (smugly) Sorry. You'll never know.
(As C.T. prepares to shoot Tucker, Epsilon-Church in his Monitor form suddenly floats up into frame from behind Tucker)
Epsilon-Church: Hey, what's up?
C.T.: What in the hell is that thing?!
(Epsilon-Church stays still for a moment before their "eye" starts to glow red)
C.T.: (suddenly realizes his impending doom) Oh, son of a -
(Epsilon-Church promptly obliterates C.T. with a One-Hit Kill Death Ray coming from their "eye")
Epsilon-Church: (sounding utterly furious) I AM NOT A THING!! MY NAME IS LEONARD CHURCH, AND YOU WILL FEAR MY LASERFACE!!!
Sarge: Hey, your circular holiness! How 'bout delivering the eulogy? We're buryin' most of these guys 'cause of you anyway!
Epsilon-Church: Me? I only lasered one guy.
Caboose: Which was awesome.
Epsilon-Church: (excitedly) I know it was, right?!
Caboose: So cool. The laser came out of your face!
Tucker: Have you been able to figure out how you did that yet?
Epsilon-Church: No, I think it's just because I got really mad. Hey, say something to make me angry! See if it happens again!
Tucker: (quickly) You're ugly and nobody likes you.
Grif: (in a casual tone) You're annoying and your team sucks.
Caboose: You're round and you can't wear pants.
Epsilon-Church: (apprehensively) ...You guys came up with all that really quickly.
Tucker: Eh, it pays to be prepared. Did it work? Are you pissed?
Epsilon-Church: (sadly) No, I think I'm actually kinda depressed now. Caboose is right. I can't wear pants.
Caboose: Well I only said it because everyone is thinking it!
Grif: Simmons sounded good. I guess he's got everything under control!
Sarge: Donut and Lopez are dead and someone has taken Simmons prisoner.
Grif: What?! Everything sounded fine to me!
Sarge: Think about it! How do you answer the radio at our base?!
Grif: (in a bored monotone) "Thank you for calling Red Base, this is Private Grif, how may I assist you today?"
Sarge: And we've drilled that since day one! Simmons answered "Hi." That was my first clue!
Grif: So maybe he's just ups-
Sarge: He also said the radio was in disrepair. When has Lopez ever let something go without the proper maintenance?
Sarge: And look at the time!
Grif: Can't, clock's broken.
Sarge: It's 17:30! And everybody knows that 17:30 is...
Grif: Donut's daily wine and cheese hour!
Sarge: I didn't hear any chinkling glasses! Did you?
Grif: You're right!
Sarge: He also mentioned that the weather was "rainier." And as we all know, Mt. Rainier is the biggest landmass in the state of... Washington!
Grif: We do? Uh, uh, I mean we do!
Sarge: How many Washingtons do we know?
Grif: Did he mean... Agent Washington?
Sarge: And who's the biggest mass we know, associated with Washington?
Grif: The Meta!
Sarge: So the Meta and Washington have teamed up to kill Donut and Lopez, and now they're holding Simmons and Doc prisoner!
Grif: (concerned) We have to help 'em! ...Wait, Doc? How, how do you know he's there?
Sarge: Please, Grif, it's so obvious! I don't wanna insult your intelligence by explaining every little detail!
Grif: (confused) Oh, uh, okay then!
Simmons: (terrified) They look the same! Which one do I shoot?!
Tucker: (from afar, furious) Ow! Shoot the one who's winning, dumbass!
Grif: Well, I'm not going, and you can't make me! You quit, remember? I don't take orders from you any more, and besides, this whole command structure thing was bullshit anyway. We all know that now!
Sarge: I'm not tellin' you to go. I'm not even askin'.
Grif: (surprised) ...You're not?
Sarge: Nope. I'm goin'. That's it. You wanna come, come on. But I don't expect you to. Simmons will probably tell you that statistically, some of us will probably die.
Simmons: All of us.
Sarge: All of us will probably die. But that's not what's important. Let me ask you two a question... You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: (he and Simmons exchange an Aside Glance) Umm... it does seem to be one of life's great mysteries.
Sarge: No, I mean you! What are you doing here? You always act like you wanna quit, but hell, you could've left whenever you wanted! No one would have stopped ya! So why are you here? And you, Simmons!
Sarge: You say you wanna be in charge! They would have given you your own squad a dozen times over! You know it, and I know it. But you're still here. And you, Tucker! As much as I hate to admit it, you're actually good at being a soldier!
Tucker: I am?
Sarge: I know you like to make yer' rude comments and pretend like it doesn't matter! But an entire alien race chose to make you their hero! So why are you here? And Caboose... Uh, it's good to see you?
Caboose: Thanks! I'm really enjoying the whole speech so far!
Sarge: Maybe you're all here because this is the only place you fit in. Maybe you're here because you don't have anywhere else to go. Maybe you're all here because, deep down, you want to be here. The reason doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here! For all we know, Tex and Church are dead. That means we're the only ones who know what's happened. The only ones who can prevent them from covering it up! So the way I figure it, these Freelancer guys will use us, take us away from our families, and send us all over the dad-gum galaxy just to test if their agents are ready for the big fight? Well... guess I'm interested in showin' em exactly what a big fight is all about! Time to clean a slate! So, I'm not orderin' ya to go. I ain't even asking.You do... what you gotta do, Private Grif.
Grif: (sighs) I'll go get my car keys.
Simmons: Get 'im!
Grif: (terrified) We're gonna fucking die!
I think this place is a little different than it was before. See, out there, everything is based on the Alpha, but in here, I guess I'm the Alpha. And maybe this time through, things will be a little different for me as well. I guess I'll find out. And I mean, hell, if you have to live the rest of your life in a memory... you might as well make it a good one.
The Director: (quietly) Hello, Epsilon. You came all this way just to see me?
Epsilon: (furious) I'm here to remember what you've done! Somebody has to!
Carolina: (gently) Church...
Epsilon: (makes his holographic form resemble the Alpha's) Not all of us got off scot-free, Carolina!
Epsilon-Delta: He was brilliant -
Epsilon-Theta: - and we trusted him -
Epsilon-Gamma: - but he lied to us, twisted and -
Epsilon-Omega: - tortured us, and used us -
Epsilon-Sigma: - manipulated us for his own evil purposes! And for what?! For this?! This... shadow?!
Epsilon-Church: He needs... to pay.
When you spend everyday fighting a war, you learn to demonize your attackers. To you, they're evil, they're- they're sub-human. Because if they weren't, then what would that make you? ...What I'm trying to say... is I've been afraid to see you for what you really are. You're our brothers. Our sisters. And the things we've done to one another are unforgivable. But General Doyle was able to see past that. In the end, he understood that now isn't the time for pride or anger, now is the time for unity.
Everyday I ask myself, "What do you fight for?", and every day I answer, "For a better tomorrow." Well, if we cant set aside our past and start trusting one another, there wont be a tomorrow. So please, fight with me. Fight to see Malcolm Hargrove locked away for the rest of his life! Fight to wipe that stupid grin off of Felixs face! Fight because you deserve to fucking WIN!
Fed Gunner: ...Well, shit. I'll fight for that.
Felix: (shocked) What?!
Locus: No more killing.
Felix: What are you talking about? You're a soldier, remember?!
Locus: I'm not a soldier. I'm a monster... like you.
Felix: (standing up) Locus, we're...partners. Survivors. We need each other. Wh-what about our orders? Our reward?! Becoming the ultimate weapon!
Locus: I'm not doing this for the reward. I'm not doing this because someone told me to. I'm doing this for me.
(Felix looks around terrified, and an aerial shot shows that Locus and the Reds & Blues are all positioned around him just like the soldiers that were positioned around Locus in his vision from "Locus of Control")
Caboose: (curious) What was this place?
Simmons: (grimly) It was a human settlement before the alien war. Horrible massacre. No survivors.
Caboose: (cheerily) That must have made so many ghosts!
Simmons: (dismissively) Well, scientifically speaking, there's no such thing as ghosts.
Caboose: Then whatthen what happens to you when you die?
Simmons: Well, we just don't know. Probably nothing. (sadly) Grif would probably say it's just one of life's great mysteries.
Caboose: (thoughtfully) You talk about Grif a lot.
Simmons: Whshut up, no I don't!
Caboose: What you said makes no sense! If people don't turn into ghosts when they die, then how do they come back?
Simmons: (in a contemplative tone) Mmm...you don't.
Caboose: Then maybe...no one cared about these people. So that's why they haven't come back.
Simmons: (awkwardly) I... don't think caring is part of it at all, Caboose.
Caboose: Well, Simmons, here's what I've learned. I care about Church, and he comes back, every time. That's how it works, then!
Simmons: I don't know, Caboose. That's an interesting theory, but I wouldn't put too much weight on it. Most times when you die, you die. It doesn't matter how much someone likes you, or how little, or how not at all, (bitterly) you know, even after being friends for years and years...
Caboose: (gently) Are you thinking about Grif again?
Simmons: (defensively) No! I'm just thinking about how what you said is wrong... Scientifically speaking!
Caboose: Here's your science, Simmons - Dead friend plus love equals Church!
Simmons: (confused) I...guess that's...math?
Caboose: No, Tucker. I... I know what I need to do.
Alpha-Church: Seriously, what the fuck is happening right now? Is there something in the water?!
Caboose: Church...Church, there's a lot of things I never got to say...I know I won't get another chance, to say them, so: I think you're cool. Like, you're super awesome, amazing cool. I, I always felt like really awesome too, when we were...hanging out together. You know? I never really felt sad...when you died because-
Alpha-Church: What do you mean when I died?!
Caboose: Shh, shh, sh. I never felt sad when you died because I couldn't imagine a world without you. But I know it's real. I...I know...And I'm sad. Things...Things really are okay without you. But I now know with my other friends, who even if you add them all up together...aren't really as cool as you, I know we're all gonna be okay. I know we're all gonna be okay. I know we're all gonna be okay. Go back to Heaven now, Church, and say hi to Loco when you get there. He was alright too.
Huggins: Okay, Huggins. You're marooned in the actual past. You need to stop this imminent orange mortal and his Shisno friends from destroying time itself. No biggies! No biggies! (laughs nervously) Idea one: grease the wheel of time! Fly around at the speed of light! Let relativity do its thing! Bingo bango, back to the future! Meanwhile, the Shisno free an ancient time god and we all die screaming. ...One for the maybe pile.
Huggins: Kay, idea two - (voice gets noticeably deeper and coloration turns a bloody red) Murder. (watches over Grif from a distance) I bet he murders up reeeeeal nice.
Huggins: (turns back to her normal white coloration) No! I can't do a murder! It's against my personal code! And the law! Stupid physics! I'm gonna have to reason with the monkey. And in doing so, break divine decree and get tortured in the underworld for eternity! ...Eh, win some, lose some!
Wash: You messed up. We all have regrets. Lost friends we'd like to have around, things we'd take back. But these time guns can't fix us ... you used them to relieve guilt, right wrongs, to avoid responsibility. But the past is done. Do better now; be better now! Now is the only time that's ever mattered. Ask yourself: do I make bad decisions? How can I do better? Who do I want to be?
Tucker: Wash, it's selfish not to time travel! Are you saying you wouldn't go back and stop yourself from hurting people?
Wash: Mistakes are the dirt we grow from, Tucker! In the end, you can't argue with cause and effect. You made a mess - you need to clean it up.
Grif: ...Yeah. That's the right thing to do.
Kalirama: Muggins, I am so sorry.
Muggins: As am I. She was my friend. Ironic that friends who we would defend with our lives are so often the ones we hurt. We discover our love for them too late, its presence revealed by their absence, their warmth felt as a sudden chill and we are left cold. A friend she shone as I do, but her truest light was invisible. It was the brightness of her point of view. Like a lighthouse, she guided us toward our saviors, out of danger. And so, hope, snuffed out, was reignited by a single spark. All I know is this - she was my friend.
Carolina: Listen to me, you bitch. I can only assume some fluke of time travel brought you here. But this Labyrinth ain't big enough for the two of me, okay?
(Carolina's past self emerges from the shadows, but says nothing)
Present!Carolina: Nothing to say for yourself? You know what, we should talk. I don't give a hot fuck if this messes with the timeline. You need to hear this. I feel so much rage when I look at you. You know that? You prioritize yourself over everything. You're going to get people killed. Heck, you're going to kill people! And they won't always deserve it. Dad won't love you more if you keep winning. He can't. He died when Mom died. And you'll bury him. Your competitive streak stops. I'm demanding it.
(The two Carolinas stare each other down for another moment)
Past!Carolina: Oh. You're done? Okay! You got pretty talkative. No need for the lecture. I can read your whole, shitty life from your whiny tone of voice.
Present!Carolina: Oh, you think you're so—
Past!Carolina: Directionless? Scared? No. No, actually, I... (laughs) I feel great! Weird, to hear all that from you, though. Let me unpack this. You've now tasted defeat - I'm assuming - and you were... aww, sad? (mockingly) For a while? And you want people around as crutches in case you trip again.
Present!Carolina: (scoffs) When have I ever—
Past!Carolina: Think about it! - Ever allied with someone I didn't need? A friend in a high place. A bolt-hole. A wingman. To forget how to utilize people is to forget yourself! Forget me. And frankly, that'd be damning enough, but you went further. Carolina, you stripped away what comes without thought. What's instinctual. Your passion. What greater betrayal is there? You're not you anymore.
Past!Carolina: And all I'm saying is, if you can say Dad died when Mom did, you're a hypocrite. By that logic, you're dead too.
Present!Carolina: (bitterly) Shut up.
Past!Carolina: Freelancer's disbanded, huh? And apparently, I didn't gain anything.
Present!Carolina: (angrily) Shut up!
Past!Carolina: (continuing on without pause) Aside from self-doubt! Whatcha' gonna do now, huh? (mockingly) Get a desk job? Pop out a baby? What even are you?
Wash: I'll tell you what she isn't, trauma queen! - A figment of a freaky Labyrinth! She's not real, Carolina!
Past!Carolina: I'm real. You don't like what you see because I'm your reflection.
(The camera shifts, showing how Past!Carolina is reflected in Present!Carolina's visor)
Present!Carolina: A mirror... That figures.
(Present!Carolina pulls out her pistol and starts shooting at Past!Carolina, who dodges to the side and then sprints between cover)
Present!Carolina: Two-dimensional... Backwards... And what? I'm meant to be ashamed when I look at you?! Well, you're damn right I do!
(Past!Carolina emerges from behind cover and aims at Present!Carolina)
Past!Carolina: I'm what you can no longer be.
(Present!Carolina throws her gun down and raises her fists)
Present!Carolina: Yep. And youre in my way.
(Past!Carolina does the same and approaches her)
Present!Carolina: Leave her to me.