Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.
Virtually every episode of Red vs. Blue has a Crowning Moment of Funny. These are the best ones. Warning: Each folder will contain unmarked spoilers for the previous seasons.
- The Blood Gulch Chronicles
- The Recollection
- The Project Freelancer Saga
- The Chorus Trilogy
- Season 14
- Season 15
- The season opens with another redo of "You ever wonder why we're here?", this time with a pair of knights who talk in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.
- Apparently, Sarge keeps rations stored in Lopez. More specifically, "Riiight up his keister! Way deep in there, right next to his radio-isotope nuclear generator, so they'll stay nice and toasty. Mm-mm!"Sister: Kinky!
Simmons: You think that's gross? Just wait until you see where the condiments come out.
- The whole conversation regarding where to get food. Highlights include that Tucker is banned from Hooters (not surprising) and Caboose's suggestion for "cotton candy from Home Depot" makes Carolina conclude " And now, we know where all the wall insulation went...".
- Caboose's nonchalant reaction to Donut's Body Horror.Caboose: Hey Donut! Hey, um we're getting some food. Do you, uhhhhh, eat food?Cut to various scenes of multiple Donuts freaking out, screaming and falling through temporal anomaliesCaboose: Ah, yeah me too. Tell me, how do you feel about Greek?All the Donuts get absorbed into a floating Donut who starts glitching out and contorting horrificallyCaboose: Yeah, me neither. What about Fish and Chips?Donut: (Screaming as his body contorts more and more until it's a mess of angular polygons)Caboose: Yeah, I am always confused about that too. Why do they say "Chips" when you mean "Freedom Fries"?Donut: (Horrified continuous scream as his body vanishes into nothing)Caboose: Yeah okay, see you soon!
- Simmons on Grif's attitude.
- After Grif crashes the Pelican, most of the others roast him, per regulation.
- Simmons's reaction to Grif's Leaning on the Fourth Wall approach to "incendiary incidents".Simmons: So your new "science" is pre-emptive laziness.
Simmons: That is so stupid, Grif. *sniff* I'm so proud of you!
- Donut's return, even warranting Sarge to say "How many times have I warned you about going AWOL and mysteriously showing up in foreign bodies of water?"
- After Donut's dramatic explanation of the gang's new impending adventure (complete with bombastic music score), Grif immediately assumes that this is a prank - specifically, Donut getting revenge for the rest of Red Team telling him that Extreme Home Makeover was going to spruce up Red Base.Donut: (suddenly angry) THIS IS NOT RELATED TO THAT SUBSTANTIAL BETRAYAL OF TRUST!!
- After Grif puts in a huge effort to avoid anything that could be a Call to Adventure, including deliberately crashing the Pelican to avoid Locus' emergency message, taking a longer path to the pizza place, and trying to cut off Donut's long-winded explanation about his return...the pizza joint they were headed to got blown up.Grif: There is no God.
- The cop who keeps making one Suspiciously Specific Denial after another about his connection to the destruction surrounding them and overexplaining things about his armor without being prompted. Sarge is the one who talks to him, and is clearly confused by his irrelevant and lengthy explanations. The mere fact that Sarge finds someone odd is hilarious.
- To add to it, while initially it's implied he might be lying about being a cop and be the culprit of the destruction, by the end of the season we know the cause was Kalirama and the cop is not mentioned again, meaning it's entirely likely that he really was just a really weird cop.
- The fact that the time-travel portals fired by Donut's gun share the same color as his armor, give or take a shade.
- "Him with a capital H..." "Hitler!" "No, God."
- Simmons feels Donut isn't talking like he usually does. And then he goes "These Donut Holes are tight! They can only fit two grown men at once!"
- "Lady, I feel I speak for everyone when I say... Marry me!"
- The transitions where one group seems to reply to the previous one.Grif: No! I just found the shuffle button.
Tucker: Seriously? Are you sure?
Sister: I know that symbol! Its a shuffle button.(later)
Sister: Hows this fuckin thing work?
Sarge: Watch your language, Simmons!(later)
Sarge: You tell that lazy idiot to wake up!
Caboose: Wake up! Wake up, Lopez!
- Sister wants to have fun... but not with Tucker, she wants to time travel and bang celebrities, including King Tut.
- "Fortune favors the bold, Simmons! You think Tommy Edison invented electricity by sitting around thinking about it? Heck no! He flew a kite in a goddamn lightning storm! Well Simmons, youre holding the kite in them there hands. Do you want to take it apart, or see how that baby flies?"
- Sarge was a Lieutenant... whose commanding officer was one Sgt. Lieutenant. And it's implied that Future!Sarge sniped Sgt. Lieutenant so his past self would take command as the next highest ranked officer.
- Sarge's misguided attempt at fixing the horrible outcome of a past battle. It must be seen to truly understand why that battle ended so badly.
- Caboose fixed Lopez with "a glue out of leaves and spit and glue".
Lopez: (My god, this is going to backfire.)
- Caboose mistaking "fixing the past to save the future" for getting a "fixed interest savings account", and then realizing he lost his lucky penny, which he found just yesterday. It then cuts to a part of Season 15 where he found a penny on the floor.
- Caboose's sudden understanding of Lopez.
Caboose: Oh, it won't backfire. Let's go, Lopez!
Lopez: (Wait, what?)
Lopez: (Helpless, I watched the end of the world.)
- Just the very idea of Caboose (Who can't understand anything) and Lopez (Who can't be understood) got paired together.
Sis and Tuc's Sexellent Adventure
- The title itself is a humorous reference to Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
- The hurricane of euphemisms Tucker and Sister engage into describing whether they had sex or not.
- Sister has a fetish for Jack the Ripper.
- The fact that Sister, the woman who wants to bang Jack the Ripper, considers herself above sleeping with Tucker.
- Tucker decides to demonstrate the safety's on in the sniper rifle and shoots Captain Flowers.
- Just when Sarge could realize the one guilty for his failure is himself... he instead puts the blame on "all the morons under my command".
- Grif getting extremely pissed off at a group of kids just because they don't know what pizza is. And once he realizes he's in a world where pizza never existed, he simply, without missing a beat, pulls out a grenade and tries to blow himself up, no hesitation whatsoever.
- "Dammit Tucker, you've managed to double cock block me with a single word!"
- Sarge and Simmons have formed a team of elite soldiers from throughout history. Sounds cool, but the people they found leave a lot to be desired.
- First, they recruited Private John, who, despite playing many badass characters, is still just an actor. In fact, he tried to get into the US Naval Academy and didn't get accepted, so it's baffling that Sarge thought he'd be an asset to their team.
- Their second recruit, Private George, comes the closest to being competent, since he's actually seen combat. But he's still confused about being on the Red Team when he fights Redcoats, and calls battle rifles muskets.
- Their last recruit was Private Alex, who seems like he'd be a worthy addition to Red Team. Unfortunately, they seem to have picked him up towards the end of his life, and his immune system can't handle modern germs, so he mostly just coughs and collapses on the ground as he dies from the Common Cold of all things. And he only speaks Ancient Macedonian!
- Sarge shoots Temple... and it's an actor playing him in Jax's movie. And the producer gets more and more unsettled as he realizes the guy is dead.Jax: What the hell was that, who the hell are you, and what the fuck did you do to my actor?!
- Jax in the year since Season 15 has become a major Prima Donna Director who's totally unconcerned with the well being of his crew. He's even glad Sarge murdered one of his actors because the guy had a major scandal and this would net him free press.
- Jax's explanation for why the actors for his film are wearing their armor? It's because they're method actors, and also he's also forcing them to.
- Sarge again has an Ignored Epiphany.Simmons have you ever heard the phrase, my own worst enemy? I am my own worst enemy...s worst nightmare!
A Pizza the Action
- Grif's understandably ill-advised attempt at trying to teach the ancient Italians how to make pizza.
- "Being vegan while made entirely out of meat, kinda hypocritical."
- Sister and Tucker apparently screwed up history some more, including causing the accident that paralyzed Christopher Reeve and shooting Hitler.
- Doc makes an excessively green pizza... and Grif tries to kill him.
- Not only does Grif slowly turn towards Doc as he lists the ingredients, but there's also the abrupt hard cut after Doc mentions lactose-free goat cheese... to Grif unloading his gun at Doc's general location (who's crouched behind their oven in fear).YOU RUINED PIZZA!
- Not only does Grif slowly turn towards Doc as he lists the ingredients, but there's also the abrupt hard cut after Doc mentions lactose-free goat cheese... to Grif unloading his gun at Doc's general location (who's crouched behind their oven in fear).
- Wasted out of their minds, having drank antifreeze, Sister and Tucker start Volleying Insults - culminating in the former wanting to "hatesex you to death", before...
- Muggins doing a WWE style intro for Atlus, complete with airhorns. The drunk soldiers calling him "a talking Lens Flare" and "J. J. Abrams" is a bonus.
- Atlus is insulted by Sister and Tucker. It doesn't end well.
- Until the next episode, where it promptly gets hilarious.
- The return of O'Malley, culminating in:O'Malley: Yes, it is I! Enjoy the sixth century! Ah ha ha ha ha! Gotcha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Opens a Donut Hole, and disappears]
Huggins: Well, that's a bummer.
It Just Winked At Me
- Atlus' fearsome smiting of Tucker and Sister...doesn't work.(Attempt One - Big Explosion)Tucker: Holy fuck; I'm alive!Sister: Hoh, holy fuck; I'm glad this visor's tinted!Atlus: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHH!!(Attempt Two - Bolt of Divine Retribution)Tucker: My arm hair's all static-y. Is that what you meant to do?Sister: (to Atlus) Could you just smite me up here, on my back? I've got this wicked knot -Atlus: AARRRRRGGGHH!!!!(Attempt Three - Big Explosion, Part 2)Sister: Oh, yeah; right there...
- Just the fact that the episode heavily features a live-action Cyclops, played by Gus himself! And his wife, also played by him!
- Atlus declaring "Huzzah! A fine kill" while making the sign of the horns with both hands when he thinks Tucker has been killed.
Atlus: Yeah, DO IT! You WUSS!!
- Earlier, when Tucker decides to stand his ground and fight (much to Sister's exasperation), Atlus goads him on in a...rather un-godly fashion.
- Tucker manages to hide in a mountain crevasse. Infuriated, the Cyclops pounds on the crack with his fists, and Tucker takes the opportunity to taunt the monster:
- Sister tries to kill the Cyclops with Tucker's sword only for him to inform her it only works for him... after she has leaped off a cliff to attack it. Doing a Xena Kiai!Tucker: IT ONLY TURNS ON FOR ME BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW!
- "Shoryuken, motherfucker!"
- When summoning the Cyclops's wife Atlus mentions they've been trying for a child and ask Tucker which of them should tell her about the Groin Attack he just pulled on her husband, clearly having the time of his life making things miserable for the Troopers.
- Huggins starts thinking about what she can do (one option she particularly likes: murder) before just deciding to ask for Grif's help. Who at first thinks she's an hallucination, then concludes that he doesn't care anyway before walking off.
- Washington's childhood cat was just as indestructible as him, surviving an electrocution fall (cat climbed a tree, Wash's father decided to solve it by cutting it with a chainsaw, the tree crashed on electric lines), a dryer, and a truck engine.
- Carolina and Wash go through a training course, with all the expected acrobatics... including Carolina jumping with hands behind her back.◊
- Carolina and Dr. Grey discussing Wash's condition...while the latter is doing an autopsy. Carolina, a Super Soldier who's just short of being a Spartan, is suitably unnerved.
- Carolina slowly descends into despair as Dylan outlines where (and when) the Reds and Blues are, ultimately leading to this in this:Carolina: It's not unlike them to get lost, but...oh God, not this kind of lost ...
- The odd pairing that's Grif and Huggins continues to give. High point: Grif decides to shut her up with his rifle, even if she's made of light and thus not exactly a shootable target.
Walk and Talk
- Jax is having more difficulty with his cast.Jax: You know I how I feel about that word! Nothing is impossible!
Producer: Okay, it's not impossible! But, launching a camera on a rocket towards...human actors is, is extremely dangerous and probably won't even work.
Jax: (Laughs) I'm not an idiot. I know it probably won't work, but that just means we'll have to do a lot of takes. It may take weeks!
Producer: (Wheezes) We can't-! We can't-! Sweet Jesus, my chest...! (Collapses)
Jax: Right before we shoot the first act. There's a defibrillator in the hallway, Cohan, or do you need me to do that for you as well!?
Pvt. George: Pardon me. You have guests, sir.
Jax: IF THEY'RE FROM THE STUDIO, YOU CAN TELL THEM TO WAIT IN THE FUCKING TRASH COMPACT- (Sees Freelancers and tone shifts to cordial) Oh, hey, it's Carolina and Washington!
- Jax uses actual extras instead of mannequins for Temple's "trophy room". One of them is Sarge, who only talks again when hearing "Simon says..."
- This exchange;Wash: Sarge, do you...have...a time machine?
Sarge: Of course not!
Carolina: Oh, thank God.
Sarge: I lent it to Simmons.
- Grif and Huggins, which is also endearing for how the Odd Couple is becoming an Odd Friendship:
I'm a fart submarine!
- Huggins talks with a Southern accent, Grif has to hide his laughter.
- Grif tries to pass Die Hard as his own story. Huggins jumps in just at the Catchphrase (and hearing her cutesy voice going "Yipee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" is already hilarious), and says her uncle is a spotlight in that movie.
- A problem with walking to England? The English channel. And Grif can't swim, so he walks the way, while struggling with gas.
- To prove that their time travel is real, Simmons opens a portal to himself a few weeks ago, where Sarge's attempt at recruiting Achilles is going wrong. When Past Simmons asks for advice, Present Sarge informs him that he'll eventually get frustrated and stab Achilles in the foot... which gives Past Sarge an idea. One Wilhelm Scream later, Past Sarge and Simmons decide to bail, leaving Wash and Carolina to boggle at what just happened.
- After the "Sarge in storage closet" free will conundrum is delivered, they open it and find... Caboose.
- Caboose's little slideshow and narration of his temporal misadventures. Let's just say it's a good thing that You Already Changed the Past is in effect. Even better is the Disaster Dominoes that happened right after Caboose jump started human development; Namely, he made some cavemen a fire, and this devolved into forming a primitive rock band when he caught on fire himself. Caboose then fled to the Library of Alexandria (48 B.C), London, England (1666 A.D), and the Hindenburg in New Jersey, US (1937 A.D)- setting them all on fire.Caboose: I was teaching them "We Didn't Start the Fire" when I caught on fire!
- Jax is considering not going back to work, but then George reminds him they'll be shooting the maiming scene and he changes his mind.
- Tucker became King of England because his sword was mistaken for Excalibur. He renames the castle as Camelto and is as incompetent as it gets... and then a visitor arrives, insulting him in all manners possible (which the guards struggle not to laugh about), including one that makes Tucker identify as a comrade ("cockbite").
- Tucker's little rant, implying that his kingship is just one big ploy to impress Sister;Grif: (Aside to Kaikaina.) What the fuck is wrong with Tucker?
Sister: Somebody doesnt take rejection well.
Tucker: God damn it! Respect me! I hold the magic sword, and thusly, I decide whats what! My word is law! The sun and the moon are the same thing! Mice grow up to be dogs! Scott Bakulas Star Trek is one long weird episode of Quantum Leap! You will respect me! You will kneel!
Sister: We can see your boner.
Tucker: Eep! Ill fire you from the trebuchet!
- Showing how Grif and Huggins have bonded, they fist bump◊.
- "Youre my father? Oh my. That makes me Fabulous Jesus!"
- Donut's interactions with the Big Bad.Chrovos: I know what you're getting at... and yes. I am that gum's father.
Chrovos: Donut, look at me. I would never eat your sandwich.
- Followed by:
- Huggins giving the news to the gods.Huggins: Ive made progress, Lord Atlus!
Atlus: Ah! Youve smashed them to dust!
Huggins: I dont have hands, my Lord.
Atlus: Then why even bother standing before me?
Huggins: I cant actually stand, Lord Atlus?
Golfer: You too?! I cant stand him either!
- Atlus being called out on turning into a swan.
- An enraged Atlus creating what is basically the shattered moon from RWBY. Then he breaks down. And Kalirama is turned on by his fury ("Smite me?").
Atlus: Huggins! Huggins, I've changed my mind! We'll meet in... (addresses this question at Kalirama) ten? (Kalirama opens all the fingers on all four of her hands in a counting motion to give him a better estimate.) Twenty minutes!
- Also, this funny little bit towards the end of the scene:
- Tucker is grown to be the same size as Atlus. He refuses to do the same for Grif and Sister because "there's no room".
- "Fi-fa-fo-fuck off, Grif!"
- After Atlus shrinks to a human-ish size, his voice is first high pitched before returning to normal.
- When Tucker requests that the gods increase the size of his dong, Atlus asks Muggins to explain... what a "dong" is. He actually respects the wish once he understands.
- Grif's Hurricane of Puns celebrating his new Laser Blade. One of which is the title of the episode.
- The "take off your clothes" misunderstanding in Season 15, in Jax's movie is downright the start of a CarWash love(making) scene, to the Freelancers' shock.I want to be in you like an AI!
- Donut reunites with his "friends" in classic Donut fashion: a hurricane of Double Entendres.
- Caboose's greatest obstacles and challenges for him to overcome are "babies, gravity, taxes, and Chinese finger traps." Cue him with his fingers stuck in one.
- Producer Kohan Wooter, who already had two breakdowns in previous episodes, is still giving praise to Jax... while at gunpoint by him. When the funding is cut, he rejoices ("I'm free!").
- The attempt by Jax to do a chart of all the time travel is ignored given it looks like a dick.
- Apparently Jax has used the time machine to recast his movie, and the results?!John Wayne Sarge: Well pal I hope you brought your wallet. Because rent in hell gets paid in advance!!Rodney Dangerfield Tucker: Whatd I tell ya. I get no respect.!Tommy Wiseau Caboose: Its bullshit. I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi Grif.!Jeff Bridges Grif: For the last time, Im not Grif, man. Im the Dude!!Rodney Dangerfield Tucker:Bow chicka wow bow. One more time! Bow chicka bow bow! What is it? Whats the line? Feed it to me.
- Jax realizes that he no longer has access to a time machine after the Reds and Blues leave to their meeting with the gods, so he follows them through a time portal and interrupts Atlus in the process. He gets a godly hammer to the face for his trouble.
Kalirama: I think they knew him, honey.Atlus: That mortal idiot interrupted me!Kalirama: (flat stare)Atlus: (sighs) I'm sorry I smited your mortal idiot friend.Grif: Eh. No harm no foul.Atlus: (Groans disgustedly) That...was my primary weapon. (Wide shot to see Atlus is now holding a regular pistol) Don't...don't look at it.Carolina: This...is God?
- Aside from losing his main weapon because he threw it through a time portal, Atlus is made to apologize by Kalirama.
- Sarge is frustrated to learn Kalirama is married, while Tucker and Wash are appalled to learn she's Atlus's wife and sister.
A Time for Hammers
- Atlus's exposition gets some annoyed groans and response, the best being "'In the beginning was the word?' If you bring out a guitar, I'm done."
- A frustrated Sarge complains that Grif now has a sword and gets one. Atlus asks if anyone else is interested, and all of them get it except Carolina... and Caboose, who just wants Genkins's golf club.
- After he delivers the exposition, Atlus takes away the gifts...but lets Caboose keep his new golf club as he thinks it's funny.
- Everyone is frustrated that the ultimate weapon weapon is just "The Hammer", and tries thinking up better names. Even Atlus gets caught in it.
- Special mention goes to Sarge's suggestion that kicks off the whole thing: "The Grand Hammer of Power-Kaboomness."
- After Kalirama says that "Few have made the Journey, none have survived.", Wash's response is "When you put it like that, how could we say no?"
- Tucker and Sister's conversation is mostly heartfelt, but slips at times into Accidental Innuendo (not always punctuated by Bow Chicka Wow Wow).
- Sarge agrees with the plan... until Simmons reminds him that Tucker made it, making him suddenly angry.
- "It's been ten minutes since you saw him! You don't need to say 'Greetings' every time."
- After a briefing listing everything to avoid, including the Butterfly of Doom, Caboose shows a crushed moth and asks if that counts.
- The return of groggy and slightly insane Wash ("He who smelt it, dealt it!").
- To dispatch of a few guards, the Reds and Blues decide to "use what they learned": Sarge lures two into a portal to Iris, where Mrs. Cyclops is still roaming; Tucker opens another portal, crushing two with a horse; and Caboose is told that one stole his penny, leading to a golf club strike ("Fouuur percent interest!").
- The fight between Donut and O'Malley. The whole thing!
- The official episode description: "The Reds and Blues ruin the universe."
- Grif is in the middle of telling Donut armor is only for sergeants and recruits, but peters off before he can finish.Grif: There's only two types of people who wear standard issue armor; Officers and uh... the uh...
Donut: Really trustworthy and likeable people?
Simmons: Hey! I'm the suck-up around here, don't step on my territory!
Donut: I'm sorry sir, It won't happen again.
Simmons: What. Did. I. Just. Say?!
- As they rib on Donut, Grif and Simmons complain about getting déjà vu. Simmons says that the Blues probably don't have to put up with it. Well...Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three-
"Church": (at the same time) Probably two or three chicks a piece. Yes, your heterosexuality has been noted, Tucker.
- At Genkins' request, Chrovos takes a form other than a Monitor. His first try is a double of Genkins ("That would get weird-" "This would get weird, wouldn't it?"), and then, Donut.Genkins: You haven't seen many people over the eons, have you? That form is a bad idea, and I'll show you why. Say something. Anything.
Donut!Chrovos: I am Chrovos- ugh, oh my God.
Genkins: Horrible! I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Genkins: Grandfather, I don't even know where to start...Chrovos: Then don't! Why should you get all the shape-shifting fun?
- Chrovos finally settles on a female form, and is clearly enjoying it.
Chrovos: Do you have any idea what that Hammer did?!Donut: ...Did it give you a sex change?
- And then there's Donut's reaction to his new form:
- Speaking of Genkins and Chrovos, there's the former's confusion over how last season changed the terminology of "Shisno" from an insult by aliens for humans to Paradox Persons/time travelers.Genkins: (while he and Chrovos are discussing Donut's fate) What should we do with the Shisno? A-and incidentally, who named them "Shisno" anyway? It's a derogatory term for "human," right?
Chrovos: (dismissively) The prophecy predicted they would be human, (sounding genuinely curious) and the Fates are, I guess...racist?
- "Leave him to me, He is just where I want him." "On his back and unconscious?"
- Donut's seriously Skewed Priorities.Chrovos: It's not just your friends at risk now.
Chrovos: I said bigger!
Donut: (gasps) America?!
Chrovos: ...Light has yet to reach the depths of your ignorance.
- In an alternate timeline where Church never got killed by Sheila and Tucker becomes more confident due to having a stronger leader, Tucker kills C.T. instead of Epsilon ("My name is Lavernius Tucker, and you will fear my laser sword!"), and eventually becomes so full of himself he dies trying to leap over a battleship with a tank.Chrovos: But he lives a powerful and confident existence... (Beat) Briefly.
- There exists an alternate timeline where Caboose joins the Red Team. Caboose is apparently having a great time, and Sarge compares Caboose to "the delightful pet cat he never had, Muffy."
- This exchange between Donut and Chrovos after she shows him how the different timelines are weakening her prison:
- Chrovos tries to come up for a name for the "soft-time singularity" where the alternate timelines are being made, and asks for Donut's opinion. He suggests "the Everwhen." Chrovos is audibly disgusted.
- Donut's double entendres return with a vengeance.Donut: Screw around with me, but don't screw around with my friends! If anyone is going to do any screwing around here, it's me! Screwing you!
- "Hey, I remember this! They're memories!"
- Relatedly, there's Donut's lengthy scream while falling through the Everwhen...only to casually cut himself off and just look around like he's not hurtling through space-time.
- Donut's time travel adventure begins with him reliving the time Wash shot him at the end of Recreation. Multiple times.Donut: Ugh! (in pain) Why'd it have to be this memory...?!
Chrovos: (laughs) And he came directly home!Donut: (grumpily) No, I got shot by Wash a couple more times.
- And later, after Donut gives up:
- Donut finally goes back to explain Chrovos's evil plan, but no one believes him. And they also find "Everwhen" to be a terrible name ("sounds like a Pearl Jam album..." "Or a Neil Gaiman novel! What? I read!").
- His first try is derailed by Tucker complaining that Donut's entire dialogue seems to consist of Innocent Innuendo, and that he's in no mood for it at the time (when they were in the Blues and Reds' base).
- And then, Donut travels back to Season 10, and admits that Tucker might have had a point after reliving every sentence he ever said.
- Donut travels back to Season 3, when they were trying to do their time travel play. Donut's explanation that he's from the future keeps getting sidetracked by Simmons insisting he's supposed to be the future, Donut's the narrator.Simmons: You're off-script, and you're ruining my life.
- Caboose knows how to check Donut's claims.Caboose: If you are from the future, what am I thinking about right now?
Donut: (frustrated) I don't know!
Caboose: Oh my God, I don't know either!
- Chrovos realizes she unwillingly gave Donut the idea to go after the Time Crash, and tries to make him give up. When she tries to chase after Donut, Chrovos just runs into the barrier containing her.
- The official episode description: "Wash resigns as financier of The Giant Walking Cannon Funeral Company."
- Genkins continues to mess up with the timeline. He monologues to Junior (getting frustrated that the only replies are 'blargh' and 'honk') before killing him with a plasma grenade, drops a Pelican on Tex during Season 3, and possesses Santa so as to tell Locus that Felix's fear is knives (even if Felix uses throwing knives).
- Dr. Grey returns! And her tact is the same as always - she's introduced asking Donut if he's dying - and now she has wacky sound effects (airhorns when saying Wash last visited "to give me a fat check", and a Rimshot for an Incredibly Lame Pun regarding the hospital's new wingnote )!Dr. Grey: If this hospital was a bird, she'd fly around in circles!
Dr. Grey: 'Cuz it'd have one looong wing! (Rimshot)
Dr. Grey: Blasts ya straight into the ground! Or space! Or the ocean, if you got a foot fetish! (Copious Beat follows) So folks at the beach can paddle in you forever!
- How did Wash get so rich? He made a fortune selling cannons... for funerals. It was Dr. Grey's idea, because of course it was.
Dr. Grey: After death care is a pet interest of mine and, by extension, Wash. He suddenly loves my ideas, so project's burning through cash like a fire at a money store!
- This exchange between Donut and Dr. Grey when Donut questions how profitable the Giant Walking Cannon Funeral Company could possibly be:
Donut: (confused) ...Don't you mean the bank?
Dr. Grey: (dismissively) Well, it's not like it's my money...
Dr. Grey: Fine! I guess I have..."patients" to heal.
- Finally, there's this line from Dr. Grey after Donut realizes how dire the situation is concerning Wash and that he needs to find him.
- Due to his status as a Paradox Person, Wash is alternating between his groggy and sane selves. The former, who is definitely the one loving/buying Dr. Grey's ideas, notes that "Emily is a smart cookie, and you're a Donut!".
- When Donut is trying to explain what he did to resolve Wash's paradoxical nature, Wash's butler is the one to explain itnote . It's only when he finished talking that Wash then promptly shouts due to being started by his presence.Wash: (to Donut) Who the fuck is that?!Donut: I don't know, that's your butler!
- Said butler is then ignored as he tries to ask for his paycheck from Wash right before he leaves with Donut. And it turns out he's not actually British; he's from the Southern US.
- And on a side note, not only is it heavily implied that a descendant of Elon Musk is somehow involved with the Giant Walking Cannon Funeral Company, but the penthouse apartment where Wash is living in has the elevator doors flanked by two golden statues of a Grunt from Halo and a pig.
- Wash's reaction after hearing about the Everwhen:
Breaching the Torus
- The official description for the episode: "People are shot. Only Simmons seems to mind." So right away, you can tell where Wash and Donut wind up in this episode.
- Unlike Donut, Wash doesn't put up with Chrovos' crap.Chrovos: Boys, you cracked my case... cracked it more, I should say. But alas, your hubris has-
Wash: You know, you use a lot of fancy words for a jailbird.
- As soon as Wash jumps into the Everwhen, he's flailing and screaming just like Donut originally was.Wash: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I REGRET THIS SO MUCH!!!
- Wash and Donut go back together, and for a past scene featuring both, of course it's Donut getting shot. And again - repeatedly.Donut: (exasperated) How. Does. It. Hurt. More. Every. Time?!
- And in those scenes, Simmons is clearly unsettled that Wash just shot Lopez. Not to mention baffled at Wash and Donut having friendly conversations afterwards, with Simmons being heard freaking out in the background during each loop. However, special mention must be given to Wash and Donut's terrible attempt to calm down Simmons the second time around:Donut: (panicky) Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Wash: I-I'm not going to!
Simmons: You shot Lopez! What the hell, man?!
Donut: Oh, no! Uh, it's okay Simmons, Wash...uh, had to shoot Lopez! Right, Wash? Lopez was, uh...
(Both Wash and Donut nervously stammer as they try to think up a good excuse)
Wash: ...A robot!
Simmons: Of course he's a fucking robot, why did you shoot him?!
Wash: Uh, an evil robot!
Simmons: (dismissively) Yeah I know, he's the worst, but that still doesn't-
Wash: (exasperated) You know what, just shut up, Simmons.
- At the end of the first scene where this happens, after an extended conversation about their current situation, Donut explains that everything has to happen the same way it did before. Wash promptly shoots him again.Wash: (completely deadpan) I admire your commitment to time travel.
- The last time, as soon as Wash and Donut come up with a new plan, they leave their past bodies... who proceed to point a gun and yelp respectively.
- And in those scenes, Simmons is clearly unsettled that Wash just shot Lopez. Not to mention baffled at Wash and Donut having friendly conversations afterwards, with Simmons being heard freaking out in the background during each loop. However, special mention must be given to Wash and Donut's terrible attempt to calm down Simmons the second time around:
- Donut still can't stop himself.
Wash: (irritated) Donut, when I want crudely made innuendos, I'll ask for them.Donut: (defensively) But Wash, I haven't said any of those! Not since my buddies laid into me one by one by one... (groans) Oh, I've never stopped!
- Relatedly, while Wash and Donut's conversation on Chorus is mostly serious, it does give us this delightful exchange:
- Kimball being downright befuddled at Washington calling her out of nowhere, and then leaving.
The Not So Good Ol' Days
- Once Wash realizes he's in his days as a Recovery agent, he tries summing up the mission ("Up there is the body of your old pal, York, surrounded by a bunch of other bodies, and one son of a bitch pretending to be a body so he can turn you into a body"), goes "This is fine" like the dog from Gunshow, concludes it is not fine... and then gets his jeep blown up.Wash: (drily) Hello, Wyoming. I suppose you don't have a second Warthog lying around?
- Wyoming getting frustrated at the bollocks that Wash is spewing.Wyoming: This is just not going at all the way I thought it would!
Wash: Tell me about it.
- The Failure Montage where Wash tries to figure out where Carolina would be in the years after the Meta threw her off a cliff. So he goes back to Project Freelancer's heyday and tries to determine where she'd go afterwards by asking hypotheticals. Of course, back then Wash was considered the resident Butt-Monkey and Carolina was a total Jerkass, so you can tell how badly this is going to go. It even starts with Agents North and South Dakota ribbing on Wash for a Noodle Incident where he forgot to pull the pin on his grenade.
Wash: Jesus, what is this? High school?
- This delightful instance of Tempting Fate after York nervously dances around having a relationship with Carolina.
South Dakota: York, what're you doing pal-ing around with the lowest on the leaderboard?
Wash: ...Oh right, it kinda was.
Wash: Why won't anyone listen to me...?
- At one point, Wash is reduced to sobbing in the corner.
South: That's easy. That's 'cuz you're a loser.
Wash: ...Is this how Donut feels all the time?
York: Is now really the best time for this!?
- Another moment is when Wash tries talking to York during a firefight. And not just any firefight, it looks like the assault on the "Insurrection" headquarters from back in Season 10.
- Eventually, Wash vents off his time travel woes to The Triplets. And Iowa, the dumbest of them all, gives him the idea to just ask Carolina in the future when they're friends. And once it turns out to be the right idea, Wash lets out an enraged yell, confusing Carolina.Wash: (squating down) ARRGGHHH!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
- After Carolina tells Wash of where she was, the land shakes, and there's a roar... followed by Caboose greeting them, showing he's riding dinosaurs like as told in Season 15.Carolina: Dammit, not again. I should take care of that.
- Given Wash going after Carolina is a paradox in itself, a crack appears.Wash: Shit. Sorry, spacetime continuum. I'm gonna have you take a few more hits.
- The official episode description: "Sarge gets a 2-for-1 deal on pelicans this week!"
- Genkins prevents Donut from getting crushed by Sister's Pelican... only for Donut to then get crushed by Wash's Pelican when he tries to confront Genkins.
- And then Wash, after a few moments, moves the Pelican off of Donut, causing another paradox burst, delighting Genkins... only for him to be confused, and then horrified.
- When Sarge decides to make a bragging speech upon the arrival of the two Pelicans, Simmons and Grif provide the BGM.
- And by "provide the BGM" they make drum and trumpet noises with their mouths.
- Furthermore, when the second Pelican crash-lands and Sarge asks Simmons to announce the arrival of their cavalry, Simmons excitedly says "The collective noun for a group of pelicans is a scoop!"
- Caboose initially thinks Carolina is Bruce Willis and Sister is Neil Armstrong.
- Sarge's increasing befuddlement as Wash and Donut force him and the rest of the Reds and Blues to Spot the Thread:Sarge: I feel weird! It feels like I've been Sarged! Oh, what have I been doing to people?!
- Donut tries to sum up everything without a Double Entendre, only for a "penis!" to randomly slip through.
- Grif's initial reaction upon realizing he's back in Blood Gulch is "Have I died and gone to Hell?"
- After "awakening," Grif quickly recognizes Genkins:Grif: Hey, that guy ruined pizza!Donut: -And time! And space!
- After Caboose says that he kept Church's helmet as a memento, Sarge comments off-screen "Badass!"
- Caboose beating up a possessed Church so Genkins would leave his body... and not noticing when the real Church starts complaining.
- For whatever reason, Caboose starts peeing in his suit as he assaults Church, something that greatly confuses even him.Caboose: (in the background) Why am I still peeing?!
- For whatever reason, Caboose starts peeing in his suit as he assaults Church, something that greatly confuses even him.
- "What... just happened? And where's Tucker?" "I think today he's giving birth to an alien?"
- After that, Sister volunteers to help revive Tucker and bring him up to speed;Sister: Tucker needs to be de-briefed.
Grif: Yeah! Wait, what?
- Once Huggins is asked about possible paradoxes, realizing what it could be makes her go red and yell "THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!", making her parents admonish her with "Language!"
- As part of a revenge prank against Tucker, Kaikaina convinces him of various things: He's in purgatory, the future is nothing but women, Sister is his future female self whose has come to break him out, he died in childbrith and Junior is a demon.Tucker: Doc! I'm a phantom, and I have unfinished business on Earth!Doc: Oh dear God.
- When Doc is about to reveal that Sister is playing a prank, Tucker, as part of his unfinished business, reveals that he stole Doc's phone, called his mother, seduced her, then told everyone she was overweight and had saggy breasts. Doc decides not to tell him and go along with the lie.
- Caboose abandons the group to go fix the timeline, something which astonishes Wash and Donut since not only did they not tell him how to time travel, but they also never said they even could in the first place.Wash: (stunned) Is... is Caboose a genius?Sarge: (irritated) If he is, I just prefer not to know.
- Huggins escapes from the black hole and travels to Blood Gulch but in the past (as in, around Season 1). She runs into the past version of Caboose... only for it to be revealed to be the future version of Caboose possessing his past self.
- Before that is her opening line to him:Huggins: Hey, you! Why'd you make a paradox, ya butt?!
- Huggins then explains what she learnt from her parents in the black hole - That black holes actually allow the Universe to loop back to before the Big Bang. Turns out Caboose was right yet again!Caboose: Time is made of circles, I am familiar with the concept.
- It's also worth noting that when Huggins starts to fret once she realizes that she hasn't gotten back to the "present" yet, Caboose somehow pops up from the screen border below her to explain how he already knows who she is.
- "Okay, this is whelmed. (goes higher) This is overwhelmed. (goes all the way to the sky) And this is where my ass is at!"
- When she asks if they could talk, Caboose agrees but then says he needs to kill his best friend in an hour so they should hurry it up.
- Before that is her opening line to him:
- The episode opts to nonchalantly reveal via Doc himself that Doc didn't actually die from falling off of the skyscraper.
- After Donut's "The Reason You Suck" Speech to the rest of the Reds and Blues for them having treated him like crap over the past few years, Wash immediately has them all go and apologize to him before they start time-traveling.
- The official episode description: "Caboose's Guide to Re-Zipping Time."
- Sarge's idea of saying sorry leaves something to be desired.Sarge: Please accept my apology or I'll PUNCH YOUR FACE IN HALF! Five in the pink.
Sarge: I have trouble expressing remorse.
- To demonstrate Mental Time Travel, Donut has the crew go back ten minutes. Of course, ten minutes ago Sister's airship had crushed him, and Tucker was sick from giving birth ("Ugghhh, my dick-hole!"). Nonetheless, Donut decides to direct everyone from under the Pelican, which hampers things slightly.Lopez: (laughs in Spanish)note
- When Church tries to figure out what the fuck is happening, Caboose tells him it would be easier if he just went to bed, which Church agrees to without hesitation.
- Huggins goes off on Grif for his part in helping cause the paradox, something that goes completely over his head due to him focusing more on the fact that Huggins isn't dead.Huggins: (frostily) Hello, Grif, you asshole.Grif: (overjoyed) Huggins! I missed you!
Grif: You just saved us... so much bullshit. (sniffs) I'm sorry we fucked up time!
- There's also Huggins' brief use of Not Hyperbole to explain how screwed-up the timeline is due to the Blood Gulch Crew's Temporal Paradox.
Huggins: Ugh, I can't stay mad at you forever.
Grif: Awww! Thanks bud!
Huggins: No, I literally can't stay mad at you forever. Time's broken from Wash's injury onwards.
Huggins: YOU HAD ONE JOB!
- And the aforementioned conversation happens after Sarge and Huggins get into an argument over how she'll scout for Alternate Timelines and tell Caboose about them in the future so he can travel back to the past and tell the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew about where they need to fix the paradoxes, which Sarge thinks would take forever.Huggins: (exasperated) Yeah, we've already done it! Higher beings represent, baby!
Sarge: (skeptically) Still not sure I subscribe to this "higher beings" malarkey.
Huggins: (starts making herself slowly fade away before she zips off into space) Oh, I'm fading, I'm fading, please believe in me... (immediately reappears) Oh, false alarm. I just went to the fucking moon!
- Caboose: "IT ALREADY HAPPENED! HI! ALSO TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE!"
- Caboose explains how they are fixing the timeline by comparing it to fixing a gap in your zipper.Donut: Wow, that's so much clearer.
- Sarge finds himself back in what he states is "the best day of [his] life": when he deleted the Blues back in Season 6. Upon smashing the delete key, Genkins makes his presence known by glitching out the computer to prevent the command from going through... and just as he starts to gloat, Simmons reboots the computer without batting an eye.
- Sarge decides to relive that moment one more time "just to be sure". Cue a montage of Sarge repeatedly deleting the Blues.
- As it happens, there's a YouTube link visible on the screen. And if you go to it...Caboose: (uneasy) Yeah... Church, (starts turning to ash) I don't feel so good...
- Not that Church gets it any better;Church: (awkwardly) Well...at least I finally have some piece and quiet. Right? (Turns to ash) Oh, son of a-!
- Sarge: "Perfectly balanced, like all things should be. Grif, you next!"
- Grif finds himself right at the end of episode 100, when Tex is taking off in the Pelican. Upon immediately realizing that Genkins is in Andy, Grif grabs a rocket launcher just as "Andy" attempts to talk Sarge out of making him blow up.Grif: My testicles send their regards, Tex, you metal bitch.
- Genkins then proceeds to take over Tex in order to try and make Church realize he's the Alpha... except Genkins doesn't even bother trying to imitate Tex. Also, he equates the Director's plan of recreating his dead wife through Tex as making "the robot equivalent of a body-pillow!"
- Upon Grif blowing up the Pelican, it is heavily implied prior to cutting away that Church is about to beat Grif to death.Church: YOU! GIRLFRIEND KILLING! FU-
- "Que? No! Why do you people keep finding me?!"
- Felix is very confused by Tucker talking to Genkins during the finale of Season 11.Felix: (to Kimball) ...Okay, yeah, he has so much concussion.
- Tucker telling Donut that he's doing a great job as The Leader and that he could even relearn a few things from him? Surprisingly touching. An exasperated Tucker growling "Oh, just take the compliment, you angsty bitch!" when Donut hesitates over accepting the praise? Utterly hilarious.
- Donut's Oh, Crap! reaction once Genkins leaves the Meta.
- Chrovos: "But I no longer need that little orgy because you have utterly fucked me!"
- Wash's annoyance at not being shot. A confused Locus tells him to not get hit.
- Locus slaughtering the Zealots turns Sister on.
- As a cover-up for him not coming with them, Wash tells the past version of Sarge he's gonna take the chaingun from the Pelican. An impressed Sarge says "If he's single, there's no hope for any of us!"
- Grif pranks Simmons into slamming himself on the portal. Simmons in turn discovers bullets go through.
- "Fool me thrice, shame on me again, point taken. But four times..."
- Donut's response when Chrovos immediately starts monologuing about how she'd "tear the starry curtain from its rings" after having tried to convince him that she's on his side now:Donut: (completely deadpan) Wow. It's a miracle. She's totally changed. Gee. But I wonder how I ever doubted her.
- "Thank you, spooky nightmare!"
- Chrovos' response when Donut questions what really is the present right now since the Reds and Blues (aside from himself, who's in Chrovos' prison room with her) are all "time-locked" in Temple's underwater base.Chrovos: ...Me. I don't go to parties dear, they come to me!
- Genkins goes full on Evil Is Hammy when he goes back to ensure the second paradox happens (Church surviving his first death), complete with trash talking Sheila and even shouting Tucker's Bow Chicka Wow Wow Catchphrase.Genkins: Come on, history! Let's fucking dance!
- Simmons remembers shooting at Grif through the portal, and of course Sarge suggests doing just that.
- To ensure Church's first death still plays out, Genkins in his body is distracted... and then the golf club is inserted into Sheila's cannon, leading to him getting Impaled with Extreme Prejudice.
- Wash uncertainly refers to the FOTUS guards in his Labyrinth illusion as "minotaurs." Caboose tries to correct him with "Uh, I think that one horn makes them 'unitards'. It's French."
- Sarge, dreaming of office life, tries to drink out of a mug. With his helmet on. Predictably, it doesn't work.
- Grif's nightmare has him with a mad P.E. instructor named "Coach Prestwood." Prestwood then forces Grif to run through what's essentially a Wipeout course turned Up to Eleven.
- Even funnier, quite a few commenters have pointed out the irony of Geoff's character being forced through a Wipeout course.
- Lopez speaking English with Spanish subtitles, which means everyone can understand his insults, and thus being ostracized by the other Reds. And worse, he's not Red Team's robot, but Gustavo, who looks like a washing machine with cardboard and a rifle taped to it, is.
- As it turns out, Doc ended up in Chrovos' chamber with Donut. He was just politely waiting until Donut and Chrovos were done talking before revealing himself.
- Grif's attempt to Face Death with Dignity:Coach Prestwood: Nice score on the Labyrinth's leaderboards. What should I put as the initials?Grif: My last request is that it be A...S...S.
- It seems that Donut can't help but slip back into his innuendo ways: "I heard you needed to beat a guy off and I came right away!"
- Chrovos' very apathetic turn as the Big Good for Donut and the other members of the Blood Gulch Crew in the Labyrinth.
- "Whoa, why are you guys in Normandy? Cheese tasting? Cider?"
- Simmons being chased around by an UFO seeking to "utilize his penis for scientific experiments" in his Labyrinth illusion is so absolutely hysterical (especially when compared to the other illusions given to his teammates) that Grif and Kaikaina drop the seriousness and start laughing before they free him.
- And when Simmons reunites with the others, the first thing he says is a cheery "Still got my penis!" Wash is understandably confused.
- Caboose easily broke out of his illusion without even realizing it was trying to kill him. At most, he's hungry.
- Carolina's line of good-natured Self-Deprecation once the Labyrinth A.I reveals itself to everyone.Labyrinth A.I: I have failed to do my duty.
Sister: Your duty was to skulk around in the dark and kill people.
Carolina: No wonder this thing made a convincing me.
- Lopez shows up having witnessed some stuff since the beginning of time. "You know it's a real shame I don't speak Spanish."
Out of Mind
- Delta is analytical, but proves to be quite human in his quips.Tactical matrix is incalculable, outcome is uncertain, chance of success is unknown... but a little payback would be nice.
(in response to "Just one of the things that makes us human") Excellent point, York. I was not looking at it from a flawed perspective. I will try to do so in the future.
Oh, so it is pride. I was registering an emotion, but I incorrectly categorized it as stupidity.
- The final dialogue:Tex: You know what? You don't have to tell me. All I have to do is pummel you senseless, rip off your helmet, and access your communication logs. I'll know exactly where he is.
Wyoming: Uh, hm. I see. Well in that case, perhaps I shall tell you.
Tex: Nah, I like my way better. [bashes Wyoming's head]
- Once Wyoming reveals himself by firing at Wash:
- Sarge, wanting to get their new base in Valhalla up and running, sends Grif up to the very top of the structure. Eventually, Grif finds that some wreckage is blocking something, and Simmons suggests using a grenade to clear it.Grif: Is that safe?
Simmons: None of this is safe! You wanna start analyzing now?
- Earlier, Sarge sends Simmons to spy on Blue Base, where Simmons has an encounter with Caboose. He returns to report...Simmons: Well, [the base] isn't running on brain power, I can tell you that.
Sarge: Oh, good! That means Grif can still be used as a reliable fuel source!
- Grif climbs up the tower to examine the port, and yells his findings down to Sarge and Simmons at ground level:Grif: I think it's blocked!
Grif: It's blocked!
Sarge: What's blocking it?
Grif: It looks like a bunch of pieces of a ship!
Sarge: That's disgusting! Who would climb all the way up there just to do that?
Grif: I said shi-puh!
- Earlier, Sarge sends Simmons to spy on Blue Base, where Simmons has an encounter with Caboose. He returns to report...
- In "Episode 3: There Goes the Neighborhood" Sarge and Grif finally make it to the Reach version of Blood Gulch after being stranded across the map and getting stuck in Firefight Mode, respectively. There, Simmons reveals that he's had to defend Red Base from the Blues, and in the background the Blue Team is attacking each other.Sarge: Simmons, why are they shooting at each other?
Simmons: Oh, I told them that if they didn't attack us, I would trade them my pre-order code for the exclusive chest piece. Now they're fighting each other to see who gets it.
Grif: But you already used your code. You're wearing it!
Simmons: Yeah, but they don't know that.
- In that same episode, Sarge starts singing while wandering around Forge World. All the times Matt sung it live are also noteworthy (in the first, he forgot the lyrics; in the second, he's forced to do it again because the song is short; and in the third, just for Matt performing in a suit!).
Where There's a Will, There's a Wall
- Sarge wants to take down the wall behind Red Base to see what's on the other side. His first idea? send a Warthog (Driven by Grif) down a ramp to smash through it. Lopez's Hispanic deadpan commentary only drives the humor home.
- Meanwhile, the Blues have gotten a Pelican chopper. Each soldier has an Imagine Spot;
- Church wants to pull a Screw This, I'm Outta Here!.
- Tucker wants to pick up chicks.
- And Caboose? His thought balloon just has a floating wreckage of what the Pelican used to be. Thought!Caboose looks down at Real!Caboose and says, "I have no idea what I'm doing."
- At the end, Lopez has his own Imagine Spot: He's in the tank, and uses it to kill both the Reds and Blues in one shot.
- Meanwhile, the Blues have gotten a Pelican chopper. Each soldier has an Imagine Spot;
- When Grif is apparently kidnapped, Sarge calls Command and and VIC (!) forwards him to Doc. Sarge wants Doc's to fill in, but runs into a problem.Sarge: Don't tell me you're still one of those lame Paci-whatevers.
Doc: Pacifists. Yeah, Sarge, I still am. You don't just turn it off when it's convenient. It's not like being a vegan.
- The Commissioner is hilarious, due to his smug voice and how swiftly he diverts any criticisms towards his management style.
- The end of the "Real Life vs. The Internet" PSA:
- Where they come to politics:—REAL LIFE—
Church: (calmly) Look, that's just the way I feel about it.
Sarge: Well I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
(in the middle of a massive warzone)
Church: YOU DESERVE TO DIE! DIE AND GO TO HELL AND BURN!
Sarge: OH, YEAH?! WELL, I HOPE YOU GET RAPED! TWICE! MAYBE THEN YOU'LL FEEL DIFFERENT! JERK!
Grif: We don't need to find any weapons of mass destruction! We just need to WANT to find them! That's the way it works!
Simmons: I VOTED FOR NADER! I HATE EVERYONE!
Doc: (in the distance) Would you like to change your home page to moveon.org?!
Donut: (runs into frame) Politics make me soooo horny! Check out my webcam pic at presidentialsluts.com!
- The best part of this whole exchange is that the domain name presidentialsluts.com is registered to Geoff Ramsey, Grif's voice actor.
- Checking your mail:—REAL LIFE—
Church: Bills, bills, bills... coupon. Great.
Simmons: Pardon me, my friend, but I am Nigirean Roylty, and I need you to send me money. Please ignore the fact that I can't spell "Nigerian." Or "royalty."
Doc: Would you like to refinance your home? Mortgage rates have never been lower!
Grif: Hey, Church! We have all the filthiest sluts on the internet. They're hopped up on herbal Viagra and waiting for you!
Sarge: WOULD YOU LIKE A BIGGER PENIS?! WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I COULD SUGGEST SOME PLACES!
Doc: You could put it in escrow!
- During the segment on purchasing music, the "Internet" portion sees Grif demand that Church give him a Creed CD, and become upset he isn't getting it any faster. This bit also contains Gustavo Sorola's (Simmons' VA) favorite quote of the series:Church: (confused) Wait, that's illegal.Grif: No, it isn't! I don't want it to be illegal! Therefore it isn't! That's the way it works!Simmons: Creed sucks! I hate you! And I hate the bands you like!
- Where they come to politics:
- In "Lethargy Crisis", Sarge's insane solution to make more fossil fuel.Sarge: Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs. If we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less, it's to kill more dinosaurs!
Church: All the dinosaurs are already dead.
Sarge: It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns in to oil when it dies. So remember: if you wanna be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing ya see! And bury it.
Simmons: But that process takes millions of years!
Sarge: I've got time.
(Cut to Grif buried alive, with his arm sticking out)
Grif: Lemme outta here! There's worms!
- One word: Grifball. Eventually became an Ascended Meme.
- The "Game On" PSA. "Can we stop that fucking horn already!"
- Everyone was busy during the "Columbus Day" PSA... so they let Caboose host it. Epic Hilarity Ensues.
- Part of the reason why everyone was busy? They had to get the Meta under control the way one handles a loose animal.'Simmons: Come here buddy, over here. You wanna treat? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Come over here.
- Part of the reason why everyone was busy? They had to get the Meta under control the way one handles a loose animal.
- The Valentine's Day PSA. Caboose mourns over celebrating without Church and remembers their "tradition".
- Caboose: Hey Church! Happy Valentine—
Church: Get the fuck away from me.
- Outtakes from Reconstruction. Notable moments are "AUTOBOTS, TRANSFORM!" (followed by his absurdly deep "OH MY GOD"), Scottish!Wash, and the Meta teabagging. Not to mention Church's terrible singing of "I Kissed a Girl."
- Church attempting to describe Sergeant Johnson's Memetic Badassitude in the last Halo 3: ODST promotional video.Church: Sergeant Johnson is as tough as they come. They say he's a strong as an ox, and as agile as... a... smaller ox.
Church: He moves like a whisper, that you only say to the wind at midnight.
Simmons: Why would you do that? That doesn't make any sense.
Church: He's as cunning as a fox, taking a... pottery class at a... Ivy League university... that accepts foxes!
Grif: Wow. You're not very good at analogies, are you?
- From the Sixth Anniversary PSA:Sarge: Why are you still in character?
Lopez: Don't Fuck with my Method.
- The Fire Safety PSA in all of its glory."You may be asking yourself: what is fire? If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You'll probably ask things like 'What am the sky?' and 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, you dumbass."
- In their Olympics PSA, Sarge gets the idea to give medals of enriched uranium to the losers.
- "What I Did On My Summer Vacation.": Caboose gets caught up in the Halo: Reach campaign.
- When Caboose and Jorge are blasting into space.Caboose: Man, I can't wait to touch all of these buttons.
Jorge: Don't touch any buttons.
Jorge: (Ejected into space) Cabooooose~!
- In Dr. Halsey's introductory cutscene:Dr Halsey: Do you have it? (referring to the package)
Caboose: No, you won't let go of it.
Dr Halsey: Say the words please.
Caboose: The words please.
- When Caboose gets dropped off back at Blood Gulch from orbit.Caboose: Goodbye. Thank you for the ride. You are my new best friends and I will never forget you. You probably can't hear me though because everyone knows there's no oxygen on a rollercoaster. I am yelling quieter now because I am further away from you.
- When Caboose and Jorge are blasting into space.
- The Blood Gulch team plays Firefight.
- A bonus is that Doc is reunited with Omega for his scene.
- Pretty much everything Church does.Church: That was a sniper kill, I used the sniper rifle.
Church: (after a highly successful ordinance blast) Hey Tucker, look how many guys I killed with the sniper rifle!
- Also Caboose.
- Donut's Image Song Donut: The Musical will never not be funny.
- The Higgs Bozos PSA has Sarge's idea of a scientific demonstration, followed by Caboose going on a lengthy and somewhat eloquent speech about the nature of knowledge, closing with the thought that "People will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here". Then he shouts "WATER BISON POWERS ACTIVATE!" and runs off at super speed. Simmons and Sarge's reactions, both to the speech and Caboose's exit, seal the deal.
- Caboose: Yeah, the universe sure is mysterious. But, you know, what if we did solve all the problems? What then? Would we just live on, forever, happy in our triumph over ignorance? Or is ignorance just a common enemy that, once destroyed, would leave our species without a reason to carry on? I guess it doesn't really matter what the answer is, because even if we could attain supreme knowledge, the thought of it just wouldn't keep us together. In the end, people will always look up at the sky, and just wonder why we're here. WATER BISON POWERS, ACTIVATE!
- From the Online Survival PSA:
- Discussing how to deal with Internet Trolls with a Red and Blue Battle Creek Zealot each playing the role of a troll. Just hearing SARGE saying this is hilarious:Sarge: (trying not to retaliate) Frowny emoticon...!
- Discussing how to deal with Internet Trolls with a Red and Blue Battle Creek Zealot each playing the role of a troll. Just hearing SARGE saying this is hilarious:
- During the PSA's released to announce Halo 4's release date, Sarge and the Reds are trying to keep the release date secret from the Blues so they won't know to pre-order. The camera then cuts to Tucker and Church, who then casually reveal that they already knew the release date and have pre-ordered. Also, Sarge's song about the date so that they remember.
- If the videos themselves aren't enough, there's the sheer absurdity of seeing it dubbed in Japanese.
- The Gadgets PSA, providing a satire against how new seeming gadgets get replaced by even newer ones.
- The Voting Fever PSA; it's a Call-Back to their Halo 4 announce date videos; with Grif and Simmons trying to trick Sarge into thinking they were out to vote. Sarge forces them to do a pro-voting musical number; with a chorus of ODSTs joining in and Grif having no clue about how elections work. To top it all off, it's revealed Sarge used the song as a distraction to steal their place in line to buy Halo 4. And it turns out the two of them actually did get sick. note
- York's Image Song "Come On Carolina", where he complains she's "always being such a bitch" and asks if she could "please stop kicking me", and suggests "playing Halo 4 naked" and "having babies with green eyes".
- During a live event, the RT crew did a live table read for the then upcoming 'MIA' miniseries. While the regulars were doing the assorted voices (with Burnie doing Vic), they had a pair of audience members doing 'naration' and 'sound effects'. At one point, when Vic is dialing the phone, the sound effects guy made the touch tone sounds play Mary Had a Little Lamb.Gus: Hey, don't steal the spotlight.
Sound effects guy <bows to the crowd>
- Once Matt realizes Sarge will talk to Doc, he repeatedly tries to make someone else take Sarge's part. Also, at the end of the 'call', 'Vic' ab libs that Sarge and Doc sound alike. 'Sarge' replies that they don't, but why doesn't he call up Church, or even Lopez.
- Once, it strays off the script, so 'Simmons' has to note 'Sarge' cut him off earlier.
- The 'Match Breaking' PSA with Tucker and Simmons giving advice on how to get a date/to get laid. Funny overall, with a guest appearance of Sister, it ends with a Warthog driven by Carolina, with Grey and Kimball, running Tucker down.Tucker: Lavernius Tucker, love doctor extraordinHURGWAAauh
Carolina: Nobody here had a problem with that, right?
Kimball: Not at all.
Dr. Grey: Nope!
- Prior to this, Simmons runs off after a date he'd stood up because she'd sent him a ;) emoticon, which was "getting too serious". She shows up again - after having spent the night with Tucker working the rebound.
- Prior to that, Tucker approaches a woman at a club.Tucker: [narrating] You can then make your presence known by delivering a well thought-out and rehearsed pick up line. Such as...
Tucker: [shouting over the loud music] HEY HOT STUFF! NICE LEGS! WHAT TIME DO THEY OPEN? SO WE CAN—
[She shoots him in the face]
Tucker: OHHHH, THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A HORRIFIC SCAR!
- "PSA: Getting Away from it All":
Airport Security: Yep, that's a cavity search.
- Sarge and Caboose go camping. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Except that they go camping in Minecraft.
- Grif's and Simmons' own trip the Vegas Quadrant doesn't go so well either.
Grif: Aw, shit.
- In the Relocated commentary Burnie Burns stated flat-out that if a joke is funny enough, the continuity gets temporarily suspended so it can be used, in the particular case the "Sister falling through the ice" joke.
- Red vs. Blue Blockbuster Trailer
- Sleeper, a live-action skit, features Sarge, Caboose, and Grif in cryogenic stasis being awoken by a nameless scientist type (as played by Burnie Burns). Not only is it hilarious to actually see everyone in Spartan armor Head Bobbing like in the games, but Grif treats cryosleep like regular sleep, including installing a snooze button on his tube's alarm and begging off for "five more minutes" when Sarge tries to wake him. When the scientist notes that the taste of cryofluid should keep him from going back to sleep, Grif reveals that he "got bubble gum flavor" and a cut to the scientist's Data Pad reveals that he really has flooded his tube with bubble gum flavored cyrogenic fluid. Everyone else apparently got "scrotum flavor."
- Simmons interrupting the ASMR PSA (just in time to cover up Caboose removing his helmet) with an Anonymous-style warning. He then leaks all of their personal files to each other, including his own. He gets tackled by Tucker and Grif after they feign sympathy for him and walk off-screen to find him inside the base under the pretense of giving him a hug.
- Caboose wanting to role-play as a dragon and book-ending the video by asking if they were still going to do that.
- The content that Simmons leaks is ridiculous:
- Tucker's Slash Fic collection about himself.
- Nude pictures of Sister, much to Grif's embarrassment.Tucker: Aaaand saved. You know, for later. To give back to her.
- A screenplay for a Sarge movie sequel written by Simmons himself, though Simmons didn't mean to leak that.
- A nude picture of Donut, though not leaked by Simmons, but by Donut himself unsurprisingly.
- One bonus video proported to show that before Nathan Zellner was cast as the alien in Blood Gulch Chronicles, they had the other cast members audition for the role. The result was a video of the various VAs doing it in character of their roles.Caboose: I AM AN ALIEN!
- From their Season 6 outtakes. "Butts" by Burnie Burns.
- After Season 14, RT put out a short non-machinima video using a 360 setup. It's pretty simple, with Grif and Simmons talking on top of their base, with Grif going over what he thinks would be the perfect way of robbing somebody: Wearing a clown mask and escaping in a hot air balloon. Meanwhile, if you take advantage of the 360 system, you can turn the camera around, and while the guys are talking, the Blues are in the base stealing the Red Army flag with Grif and Simmons being utterly clueless about what's going on.
- The next 360 video involves the teams dividing the contents of a supply ship that "crashed" in Blood Gulch (i.e. it was shot down by the Reds). This includes the viewer (probably the ship's unfortunate pilot, who also doesn't survive the next two minutes).
- The third 360 video is about Tucker and Caboose and Church and Sarge trying to teach Junior about sex. We could try to list the funny moments but every moment is a funny one.Tucker: He can't die a virgin! That's Simmons' job!
- The fourth 360 video is from Caboose's perspective. The result is hearing Church suddenly talk about friendship at the drop of a hat and Sarge having a pirate accent. Not too mention the drawings that keep popping up.
- On the Youtube channel, after every episode, the usual shilling of the channel has the cast saying funny stuff. The best is Caboose: "Where am I? [sees the SUBSCRIBE \ WATCH NEXT EPISODE text] Well, that looks nice... [ turns to the viewer ] Oh my god! A giant person! *ducks scared*"
- This interview has Jack Lee answering in character as the Chairman saying he's not evil, just misunderstood - everyone else is in stitches, even as genocide is brought up. Another highlight is Yomary Cruz channeling F.I.L.S.S. answering "I'm sorry, I'm not able to reveal that information".
- Caboose's Guide To Finding Your Home, as if the one about making friends in season 14 wasn't enough...
- And now we have ''Lopez's Guide to Technical Empathy'', which shows the viewer just how much crap Lopez has to put up with because of the Teams' clueless tomfoolery. It turns out to be one massive guilt trip towards Grif to make him speak more Spanish. It doesn't work.
- Sister is now a real estate agent, selling only the best homes on Earth... which has gone to shit thanks to climate change. Arizona is a Lethal Lava Land, Florida is underwater, the Pacific Northwest is a desolate wasteland, and the Canadian forests are populated by white supremacists.
Sister: It gives you the chance to grow your own food, and the sense that you're better than everyone else for doing so!
- Sister's opinion on greenhouses.
Simmons: I think we just figured out how to make the Earth a better place again!
- Canada wasn't happy with white supremacists moving into their forests, but they're Canadian, and thus too nice to actually do anything about it.
- The solution? Sell the homes to the white supremacists.
Sister: I'll go start making some calls!
Grif: Try selling them on lava house first. Those dickheads love burning shit!
- In this one, the Reds and Caboose show how you should act while traveling. It's a miracle they're allowed anywhere. Of course, it starts with Donut being upset when he finds out nobody noticed he was on vacation for a few weeks.Donut: I talked about it for months! You helped me get tickets to the Louvre!
Grif: That doesn't sound like me... at all.
Donut: Simmons drove me to the airport!
Simmons: Uh, it doesn't ring a bell.
Donut: Oh my gosh. You guys were supposed feed my cat! Whiskers!
- Sarge spells out some hard truths for all of us. Only it turns out that the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew lured him up onto the podium so they could do a "friend-tervention" (Not a roast). Highlights include:
Sarge: (To Carolina) "And you kicked my ass. I think we're even."
- Sarge changed the notification tone on Donut's phone to the "ping" of a live hand grenade.
- Sarge also coined the term "active bitch face" for Carolina.
Lopez: (I am in Hell, and he is the Devil.)
- As usual, Sarge has no idea what Lopez is saying. Which is ironically the thing that Lopez is complaining about.
Sarge: No hablo el spanish-o!
Grif: He is the worst thing about my life.Sarge: Why, thank you so much! But I didn't get you anything...Grif: I wish him specific harm. Like a thousand years of Groundhog Day, but for a looping period of 20 seconds.Sarge: Ha ha! Catch 22! Any hell without you is heaven!Grif: You know what? I give up. My eyes were bigger thank my fucks on this one. (sigh) he won't change.
- His recommendations to Washington for improving the quality of the show include Sarge getting a leather jacket, marrying a stripper, dreaming that a mad scientist has stolen his "coolness"...basically, as Wash himself puts it, reruns of Happy Days with Sarge in the role of The Fonz.
- Appropriately, said list includes Sarge jumping a shark.
- Simmons steps up to the podium, only for Sarge to tell him to sit back down before he can say anything.
- And then Grif takes the stand. Let's just quote this one word-for-word, shall we?
Caboose: I'd dance now, but our budget can't afford it!
- Cue Caboose taking the stand...and, well, Cloud Cuckoo Lander that he is, he can only think of nice things to say about Sarge.
- And hilariously, this pisses Sarge off because he thinks Caboose doesn't know the first thing about him. He goes on to list all sorts of his own personal flaws, including:
- Chewing with his mouth open. Intentionally.
- An irrational fear of pleated pants.
- Loving guns he doesn't actually own. (He leases them).
- Being totally non-functional as a civilian because the military is all that he knows.
- Oh, and he hates mushrooms. This last admission is what makes Sarge finally break down crying.
- In this video, Sarge is explaining that Season 16 will only be available on Roosterteeth.com, with other characters acting out eventual complaints from fans;Jax: So, this video's on Youtube, but the new episodes aren't on Youtube?
Sarge: Yes, Jax, everyone understands what irony is!
- Carolina (and later, Sarge) promote RTX 2018. Seeing her imitate an echo, fangirl over Troy Baker, and complain about Sarge landing an airship while she's speaking shows she's now as dorky as the Reds and Blues.
- Recyling, where along with the usual weird lines ("Flabbergasting, my every flabber, gasted!") it Crosses the Line Twice when discussing recycling dead extras.
- And then Caboose reveals he doesn't exactly know what a "recycling plant" is.Caboose: I've been burying this stuff for years, but one's never grown.
- According to Grif, you should never recycle cans or bottles, because it would be a reminder of how much you drink.
- And then Caboose reveals he doesn't exactly know what a "recycling plant" is.
- And now we go into Diversity, starting with Grif's Imagine Spot;Grif: Just imagine how lame it would be if everyone was the same!
(cut to four Simmonses)
Simmons 1: Guys, I can't find my retainer, can I borrow someone else's?
Simmons 2: Eugh, talk about unhygienic.
Simmons 3: C'mon, we all have the exact same mouth germs.
Simmons 2: I don't want your stuff in my mouth!
Simmons 4: Ooh, who wants to organize their sock drawer by size and color?
Simmonses: I do! Jinx! Double-jinx! Rutabega! Chinchilla! (Beat) My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard / and they're like-
(hard cut back to Grif)
Grif: Oh, dear God, no!
Simmons: Grif, what's wrong with you?
Grif: Sorry, I just had a waking nightmare. Continue, singular Simmons.
- How does Washington fit into the diversity angle Grif and Simmons are talking about? He's the angry white male.Wash:(motions to the gun he's holding) What, this?Simmons: (runs behind a rock) AH, DUCK AND COVER, HE'S GOING POSTAL!Wash: Oh, come on, everyone's got guns!
- And then, after briefly mistaking "diversity" for "adversity", Sarge accepts everyone... as equally viable targets to shoot with a mounted turret.
- How does Washington fit into the diversity angle Grif and Simmons are talking about? He's the angry white male.
- New Holidays, where the Reds and Blues are celebrating a series of new holidays to replace the more "boring" regular holidays. Including "Saint Peppy's Day" where they honor a distant relative of Saint Patrick by having Caboose release live snakes on to their base, much to Grif's displeasure. note
Sarge: My God, son! How much is a man's soul worth?Carolina: (Beat) Oh, that is just sad...Tucker: Hold up, you promised me a hundred bucks to help you with this holiday B.S.Sarge: You promised me a hundred smackers too!Caboose: I get to keep the snakes.Simmons: I never said I was a master negotiator.
- Carolina acting as The Comically Serious throughout the whole thing.
- "Cinco de Macho" sees Sarge trying to goad Carolina into hitting him. She eventually gets so pissed off, she leaves the scene... only to come back in a Warthog and run him over.
- The list of new holidays Simmons shows off before starting to shill products relating to them:December Fool's Day, Groundhog Day, New Fear's Day, Chinese New Fears, Groundhog Day, XXX-Mas (18+ ONLY), Brother From Another Mother's Day, Roboween, ROM Kippur, Groundhog Day, Rhode Island Appreciation Day, Earf Day, Mardi Gross, Dependence Day, Kevin, Manual Labor Day, Dia de los Huevos, MILK Jr. Day, Cyber Monday, Uncle's Day
- It's later revealed that Simmons was hired by a greeting card company to promote the new holidays so that they could sell more merchandise:
Sarge: Unless you hate your family.Carolina: Well, yes. In that case you stay far away.Carolina: No, right. Screw that guy. He was the wooooorst!
- Carolina gives An Aesop about how holidays are not about buying things but spending time with family and friends, or honoring the achievements of great people throughout history.
- Cultural Appreciation:
- The PSA hits a snag right out of the gate due to Grif, realizing the PSA pertains to going to a museum, flatout walking off set, forcing a restart of filming, with Donut subbing in.
- Tucker is tricked into going to the museum by being told he's going to the Annual Ice Cream and Monster Truck Convention.Tucker: You sons of bitches! This is just like the time you promised to take me to the Victorias Secret Thanksgiving Day Parade!
- "FUCK ART, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
- Concerning buying tickets to the museum, Donut promises, for those wishing to just sneak into the museum, a future PSA about lying to the police.
- As it happens, Sarge was willingly at the museum to teach Caboose about historical battles and warfare... only to realize the main exhibition at the museum that day was "Serene Flower Gardens of New England in the Late Romantic Period".
- Caboose gets a student discount, because he's a Harvard graduate. Simmons is rightfully shocked.Caboose: Eh. It was my backup school.
- Tucker is reprimanded by Simmons for yelling in the museum... since, as Simmons states, "this isn't a library".
- In the middle of discussing a painting about the fall of Icarus, Sarge slips into a flashback (completely with Deliberate Monochrome) of a soldier he saw die tragically... due to heat stroke.Soldier: (groan) Avenge me, Sarge. Kill the Sun. (Hurk, bleagh!)
- Sarge then reacts in kind:Sarge: Stupid source of renewable energy! (punches the painting) Take that you stupid star!(cut to outside)Simmons: And finally, when you get kicked out of the museum for violently punching one of the paintings, always make sure you have a backup plan for the rest of the day.(cut to a wider shot, showing Caboose and Donut standing by a huddled Sarge)Donut: C'mon, Sarge. Let's get you a healthy dose of flashback-resolving ice cream.
- Tucker refuses to leave the museum, having grown a bond to it (due to the nude art). Simmons has Sarge and Donut drag him into the car by his legs.
- Someone decided to do a Red vs. Blue version of the RWBY shipsheet for the sake of it, and it's a thing of beauty, filled with puns and Genius Bonus.