Funny / Family Guy Seasons 13 to 14

Season Thirteen

232. - The Simpsons Guy

• In the courthouse, the Blue Haired Lawyer comments on how Pawtucket Ale is a ripoff of Duff Beer, and the camera focuses on counterpart comparisons. The Judge is revealed to be Fred Flintstone who claims that both beers are based on his favorite beer: Bud Rock. It's a subtle way to say that both shows would be considered ripoffs of The Flintstones, making the whole "Family Guy is a Simpsons rip-off" argument moot if you know anything about cartoons from before the modern day.
  FG!James Woods: You've been to Springfield?
  Simpsons!James Woods: Yeah, I worked in the Kwik-E-Mart to research a role.
  FG!James Woods: These guys are gonna lose.
• Kool-Aid Man breaking into the wrong courthouse (because he went to the wrong Springfield).
• Peter thinking that the Simpsons casts signature yellow skin is because of hepatitis, warning no one to drink the water.
  • When they meet Homer, he call the Griffins "albino visitors".
• Bart's prank call to Moe, saying he's searching for a "Mr. Kebum, first name Lee" (Leaky Bum). When Moe says it out loud over the phone, it gets hilarious.
  • Stewie's "prank call" can be funny when you take into consideration that it's a comment on the styles of both shows being so polar when it comes to the humor and characterizations of the characters. The innocence of Bart right before the horribleness of Stewie may cause a bit of mood whiplash for some, but it's also funny in that it shows off the differences in both styles so well.
  • "I took Apu." Stealth Pun meets Toilet Humour, which Bart actually finds funny despite being horrified at Stewie's sociopathy.
• Marge making Brian eat in the kitchen with Santa's Little Helper, specifically because "dogs eat in the kitchen".
  Brian: Hey, couldn't help but notice there's no seat for me?
  Marge: Oh. I was under the impression that you were a dog.
  Stewie: You're right to have that reaction, Marge.
  Brian: Well, I just figured at home, I sit with the family, so I assumed that...
  Marge: Have you ever drunk out of a toilet?
  Brian: I don't see what that has to do with the discussion.
  Marge: Dogs eat in the kitchen.
  Stewie: Yeah, dogs eat in the kitchen!
• The fight scene can range as awesome, but funny in its own right.
  • Homer strangling Peter as he does to Bart, and Peter's horrified reaction to that.
    Peter: (gasps for air after freeing himself from Homer's hands) Ow! What the hell? That really hurts!
    Homer: No, it doesn't. I do it to my son all the time!
    Peter: You strangle your son?! That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time!
    Homer: That's YOUR son!
  • Homer weaponizing the 31 Emmys the show has won.
    Peter: Hey, that's not fair, I don't got none of them!
  • Roger from American Dad! making a cameo in Kang and Kodos's spaceship.
  • Peter and Homer reenacting the iconic Springfield Gorge jump in a UFO.
    Peter: We're gonna make it!
    Homer: (Resigned) Trust me, we're not.
  • Peter punching Homer and stealing his "Woohoo!" catchphrase, while Homer kicks him and steals Peter's "Roadhouse!" catchphrase.
  • This exchange between Homer and Peter before ultimately beating the shit out of each other.
    Homer: Say hi to Maude Flanders.
    Peter: No! You say hi to Muriel Goldman!
    Homer: Who?
  • Homer and Peter title dropping their respective shows.
    Peter: You see, I'm a Family Guy.
    Homer: I understand, I'm a The Simpsons.
• As the Griffins were about to leave after losing the trial, we get this exchange between Marge and Lois:
  Lois: Anyways, it was still nice to meet you and your family, even though you kinda screwed us over.
  Marge: Good to have you! And, hey, next time you stay with a family, maybe you could wear a bra some of the time.
  (Lois covers herself)

233. - The Book of Joe

• Cleveland cleaning a pair of paintbrushes in Joe's pool.
• Joe publishing his children's book under the name Steve Chicago because he doesn't want the guys at the station to know he wrote it, due to them panning his mime act.
• "That's right, the sun's really a black guy." "The moon is Korean!"
• The cutaway of Peter pretending to be the ghost of Roger Ebert and haunting Gene Shalit, saying that even in death he's a better critic than the latter. When Peter leaves, it's then shown that Shalit's wife looks almost exactly like him.
• When Brian becomes unhealthily thin from a combination of overexerting his body with constant exercise and starving himself, Stewie remarks that his whole body looks like Paul McCartney's neck.
• Peter's insane sequel to The Hopeful Squirrel.
• Brian breaking his leg immediately upon stepping over the starting line of the marathon.
  • "Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?"

234. - Baking Bad

• Peter smashing the annoying woman who comes in and samples cookies all the time and claims "she's so bad" over the head with a metal tray.
  Lois: That was the right thing to do, Peter.
• Peter gradually turning the cookie store into a strip club that gives out free cookies. All of the girls also have cookie-themed names.
  Peter: Lois, meet Cookie, Sugar, Spice, Cinnamon, Brown Sugar, and Butter.
  Cleveland: Oh hey, Butter.
  Peter: Some guys like Butter.
• Stewie getting drunk off cough syrup to the point where Brian stages an intervention with all his stuffed animals.
  Stewie: (drunkly pointing to all his stuffed animals): Mr. Giraffe, who lets little boys grind on his rump. Or Mr. Octopus, who lets little boys grind on his rump. [etc]
• The Cookie Monster being the head of the bank.
• "To my amphibious sky submarine! I have way too much money!"

235. - Brian the Closer

• Peter turning into Gollum over Brian's rope.
  Peter: Precious! Wants precious rope!
  Lois: Peter, enough with the rope!
  Peter: Also wants ice cream!
  Lois: No, Peter. It's too close to dinner time.
  Peter: Get ice cream anyway!
  Lois: (grabs a torch) Don't you dare!
  Peter: (hisses before talking normally) Alright, but I'll be back in a moment as another movie thing. (returns as Johnny 5) I am Johnny 5. Need input. Input is ice cream. I need ice cream. Did I say I'm Johnny 5 yet?
  Lois: You didn't go to work today, did you?
• Cleveland finding a human head in a freezer... then getting distracted by sherbet.
• Peter opening the blinds to see if there's an ocean view, only to reveal the old man living in the apartment across the alley standing in his window.
  Old Man: The harbor is poisoned! (Peter shuts the blinds quickly)
• Joe's first impression of Quagmire's new apartment
  Joe: There's a stain on the floor in the shape of a little kid...
• Part of the pitch video Brian shows Quagmire describes the apartment as "something a Persian guy would call a little too much".
• Chris being not ready for flashbacks.

236. - Turkey Guys

• Peter and Brian finding a Train song on the radio. After a few seconds of denial...
  Peter: Brian, I love Train.
  Brian: I fucking love Train!
• Peter revealing to Brian that he had to poop while they're on the bus.
  • "Oh my god, this is gross, even for a bus!"
• The live turkey Peter brings to Thanksgiving dinner. At first it looks like they're going to play a stock Aesop about Thanksgiving when he doesn't want to kill it, until Chris stumbles in drunk and shoots it before passing out.

237. - The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

238. - Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure

• "You're watching Amazon Prime, the network that brought you your sunscreen in two days."
• Young!Peter failing homeroom by saying "There" during roll call.
• Peter tries to get Chris to study by nailing the door shut, but he left his phone in Chris' room and Lois is sending dirty pictures of herself to it.
• Chris, thinking he's dreaming, cuts off his arm because he thinks there are no consequences, so Stewie and Brian travel back six minutes to try it again.
• After the time machine heads through time, Rupert tells the rest of Stewie's stuffed animals he's straight.
• Brian causes Ernest Hemingway to shoot himself in 1920 Paris.
  Brian: Hey guys, I got his pen!
• The gang stops in 1798 to release farts, which helps Jane Austen write Pride and Prejudice.
• Brian heads to steerage to look for Chris, then finds out that everyone, even the baby, looks and sounds like Peter.
• Stewie gets the string quartet on the Titanic to play "Danger Zone".
• The disclaimer at the end of the episode states all the historical facts were checked by Wikipedia and to learn more about history, go to Yahoo! Answers.

239. - Our Idiot Brian

• When Peter and Brian are "watching" the movie on the couch, they laugh rather awkwardly, with Brian sounding like he has the Beavis laugh. As an added bonus, it turns out that they were just staring at the DVD menu.
• Peter telling Brian they're gonna party like its the Roaring 20's, and the following cutaway.
  Man: (singing while doing the Charleston) No TV, movies suck, I'm here with my gal, shake your hands, kick around, wear a suit to breakfast! Underwear that laces up, all girls have a guy's haircut, crank your car to make it start, you will die of measles!
• After being told that Brian has a brain tumor, Peter pulls out a shrink ray pistol and shrinks himself to enact a "Fantastic Voyage" Plot to destroy the tumor from within. He resizes a second later when he gets raped by a bug.
• Stewie says that Brian's tumor makes him as useless as Black Widow is to the Avengers.
  Thor: So, what's your superpower?
  Black Window: Kicking.
  Thor: Oh, right, 'cause none of use can kick. Hey, which one of you guys can kick? [he, Captain America, Iron Man, and Hawkeye raise their hands] Hulk, stop being nice.
  Hulk: [raises hand] Sorry.
• The entire montage of Peter and Brian doing crazy things set to "Cotton-Eyed Joe".
• Brian in the hospital:
  Brian: Being in this hospital bed-I feel like the main character of As I Lay Dying as he or she lay dying!
  Stewie: Oh, that's just the amount of superficial quasi-knowledge the old Brian had.
• Brian hanging a nice lampshade on Stewie tricking him into getting his tumor removed.
• At the end of the episode, Peter gets an operation to give him a second penis, but his original penis promptly falls off.
• "YEAH, free flyin' meat!"

240. - This Little Piggy

• The cutaway of Brian and Stewie on Let's Make a Deal.
• "Somehow my foot got pregnant while watching Tower Heist."
• The giant pile of corpses of people who have O.D'd at the music festival.
• Stewie taking the bra of the girl he and Brian were going to have a threesome with after she overdoses because she owed him 40 dollars, then tells Brian he's going to trade it for Gatorade.
• Stewie trying to find a comfortable position on the ground but he eventually gives up and stands.

241. - Quagmire's Mom

• The episode's first cutaway, in which Peter takes Meg on a "field trip" (attempting to abandon her in a field), only to receive comeuppance for it.
  Peter: Okay here's the field, goodbye forever! (Peter runs into his car and drives right into a tree) AAUGHH! MEG, I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! (Car bursts into flames) MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!
• Peter's karaoke phase cutaway, which is Peter waiting for the lyrics of "Baba O'Riley" to start.
• Peter in an ad parody for The General car insurance.
• Chris complaining that they haven't shown the girl Quagmire was accused of raping during his trial.
• "Did you hear about you ex-husband yet? He had a, uh, procedure."
• The Quagmire/Peter watch scene:
  Quagmire: Peter, I want you to take care of my antique gold Rolex watch.
  Peter: Aw, cool! A throwing watch!
  Quagmire: No, Peter..and I cannot emphasize this enough-this is not a throwing watch.
  Peter: Oh, I get ya.
  (Quagmire hands Peter the watch; Peter tosses it into the distance.)
  Peter: It didn't come back like you said it would.
• Joe coming to arrest Quagmire for sleeping with the underage girl, but before he leaves Quagmire sends the pictures he took to all his friends.
  (Phone buzzes). (Joe looks at his phone)
  Joe: Oh yeah, Boom! *Look back at Quagmire* You're disgusting. Take him away! We've got all the awesome evidence we need.
• Kid!Quagmire learned his ABCs by memorizing the names of all the guys his mom slept with in alphabetical order.
  Kid!Quagmire (to the tune of ABC): "These are just some of the guys. There are lots of other guys."

242. - Encyclopedia Griffin

• The license plate on Stewie's tricycle reads "UB40 FAN".
• The zoom-in on Chris' sex doll Heather in his closet similar to that of the evil monkey.
• The cutaway of Peter teaching old Asians to board a subway train.
• Joe's voicemail message.
• Peter playing the clarinet through his butt with a mask of Kenny G's face on it.
  Peter: I wonder if Cleveland's gonna want his sax back.
• Chris with Hamster Dance Tourette's Syndrome.
• "If it's the shot from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's bunghole, I've already seen it."
• The secret Donkey Kong level.

243. - Stewie Is Enciente

• Tom Tucker trying to read a news story while yawning.
• The cutaway of Stewie robbing the Joseph A. Bank... by simply buying three suits for $99.
• Stewie throws preschool applications into his artificial insemination machine.
• In the subplot, the guys plan a viral video. Joe suggests him doing impressions, but they're all his voice.
• "That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles."
• After Stewie finishes giving birth in Brian's car, Mayor Adam West looks in one of the car's windows.
  Adam: Mazel tov!
• After Cleveland tells Peter Stewie was pregnant, Peter says he didn't notice because Lois is in charge of the kids.
• The frog/chimp gangrape scene, in a Black Comedy way.
• Peter getting spooked by The Grudge style ghost kid.

244. - Dr. C & The Women

• The ad for Outback Steakhouse Extreme, which serves larger portions than Outback Steakhouse.
  Accouncer: And why don't you wash it down with 40 ounces of Ranch Dressing and Malt Liquor you fat fuck!" (Waiter throws it into customer's face then gives him a smack on the back of the head.)
  Announcer: PUNISH! YOUR! TOILET!
• A blind man calls Meg gross.
• After Cleveland diagnoses Mayor Adam West as a sociopath:
  Adam: Let me tell you something. (grabs Cleveland by the shirt collar) You're absolutely fucking right. (lets go) Time to put on my spaghetti hat! (puts on a strainer filled with spaghetti, then leaves)
  • Later on, he tells Cleveland he killed nine people... and he has ducks on his feet.
• Dirty Amelia Bedelia.
• Lois watching the clothes spin around in the dryer.
  Lois: If the green shirt goes around 30 times in five minutes, you get to have a Diet Coke!
• After Donna calls Lois, a pop-up video bubble appears on screen reading "Donna is Cleveland's wife."
  • It's used as a plot point later on.
    Cleveland used to own a deli.
  • "Family Guy fans went ballistic when Brian died. But you don't really miss him in this episode, do you?"
• Meg fighting jealous TSA agent Marla with confiscated items as weapons.

245. - #JOLO

• The cutaway of the Griffins getting excited over the McRib coming back.
  Peter: This is what we practiced for!
• After Peter climbs up a billboard, Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire moisturize their hands.
• At salsa band practice, Peter wonders what's in his maracas, which leads to him thinking about killing his and Joe's babies.
• Mayor Adam West hands Peter the key to the city, then leaves him in charge while he goes on a two-week vacation.
• "I never stop to think. That's why I've had ringworm 11 times. I will roll in anything."
• After Joe quits his job and leaves Bonnie, he fires a bullet in the air. The bullet then calls his mom.
• Humpty Dumpty after his fall.
  Doctor: Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional instead of all the king's horses and all the king's illiterate servants.
  Humpty Dumpty: Well, that's the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.
• Joe tries to tip a cow, but he gets pushed back.
  • Quagmire has to push Joe to the cow across the field, which, in his words, is the hardest thing he's ever had to do.
• The sign on Niagara Falls: "As seen on that spray starch can".
• Peter and Lois accidentally wearing each other's pants.
  Lois: Thank you, Jazzercize!
• Peter imagining his funeral, including two fat hula dancers on either side of his coffin, three monkeys singing "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", and each mourner eating a soft pretzel.
  Lois: I don't know why your father wanted this, but we're honoring his request.
• Joe tries to kill himself twice by rolling off the Niagara Falls, but gets stuck on the same branch every time.
  Joe: I stink at this.
• Joe's plan for getting Bonnie back at the end of the episode, he had hired a few guys to do a home invasion on a Tuesday, so he could show up and be the hero.
  Joe: She'll be so grateful she'll have to take me back.
  Peter: Joe. Today's Tuesday.
  Joe: (looking at his watch) Well, poop.

246. - Once Bitten

• The clip from Yet Another Indiana Jones Movie: "Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?"
• The Warsaw Globetrotters killing the jaunty tune Sweet Georgia Brown with their deadpan singing and depressing lyrics.
• To practice for giving dog suppositories to Brian, Peter watches an episode of Lassie where Timmy does just that.
• Morgan Fairchild farting into a hole that leads to Tom Sizemore's air conditioning unit.
• The cutaway of Peter being stuffed in a jack-in-the-box and crushing a child.
• Brian's A Clockwork Orange-style torture of watching clips of things that scare dogs, such as an old lady vacuuming and a live-action photo of Michael Vick.
• Neil holds up a picture of Sean Penn dressed similar to Mort.
• Peter wearing a bow tie to piss off Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire.
• The "Let's All Go to the Lobby" ad, updated as a PSA against theater shootings.
• After Cleveland saw Halloween II, Peter tells Brian to search for Michael Myers.
  Cleveland: If it seems like he dead, he ain't dead!
• A couple who lives a few blocks away from the Griffins commenting on the show and telling the audience at home about them.

247. - Roasted Guy

• "Two chair jokes in the same monologue. Sloppy."
• The premature volcano.
• Peter gets confused for two lesbian baristas that look like him.
• A panda hiding in a pile of black and white pillows because he doesn't want to have a baby.
• Peter getting a mammogram.
  Peter: If I have cancer, we're all going to Brazil.
• Peter and Lois confused about Battlestar Galactica.
• The montage of Peter practicing for the women's U.S. Olympic Diving trials.
• How Peter ruins a wedding: He bribes a busboy to stab the groom.
• Peter apologizing to Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland for breaking off their friendship, only to learn that Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland forgot all about Peter being upset over the roast and they assumed he just left town for a week.
• The show ends with Peter saying that men are better than women, followed by a list of the show's staff, split into gender. There's only one woman and every other name is a man.

248. - Fighting Irish

• Peter throwing furniture into a giant Dumpster.
  Stewie: Hey, I'm still in here!
• "Hmm, I guess I could get the mail at night."
• The parade of all the women Quagmire has slept with by country, and the Griffins leaving when they see the women of Thailand, who are all underaged girls.
• Quagmire's 1,000th sexual conquest (which he does onstage in front of the whole street)? A largemouth bass, which causes one woman and five children to leave.
• "We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies."
• Peter, dressed as Mrs. Potato Head, getting hit on and raped by Colin Farrell.
  Peter: The back is all mashed potatoes now.
• The cutaway of a woodchuck telling his parents that he wants to be a doctor, only to have his dreams shot down when his father says, "How much disease could a woodchuck doctor cure if a woodchuck could cure disease?"
• What causes the fight between Liam and Peter: Peter says his storyline in Love Actually was the second-worst.
• Liam's requests when Peter's his work slave start off fairly normal, doing things like subbing for him on jury duty and taking over his Twitter feed. Then he asks Peter to go to a local gym's shower room and ask other men to pee in his hands, because he saw a remote-controlled car and that excited him. And this gets revisited right before the big fight:
  Liam: Peter, I'm all out of crackers, and I'm gluten-free. So what I need you to do is, go down to the local gym, and ask strange men to pee on you.
  Cleveland: What the hell?!

249. - Take My Wife

• The episode starts with Peter winning a poker game with a full house consisting of three jokers and two instruction cards.
• Babs not coming over because she was cast in a rap video as the stuffy old white woman who initially complains about the rapper and his entourage ruining her garden party, but eventually gets used to it.
• Because an epic battle between owls and hornets would cost too much to animate, they decide to show stock footage of an old plane failing to take off instead.
• Peter pushing a potted palm tree into a swimming pool.
  Peter: (to the lifeguard) I'm here a whole week, pal.
• Checking out Hot or Not pictures, Brian rates a woman a 10 and a man 1. Stewie rates the woman a 1 and the man a 10. Then a picture of Carey Mulligan appears and both rate her a 5.
• "I'd thought we'd all go down to the swimming hole and swim in a hole."
• Peter's disgusted reaction when his couples counselor knows Adolf Hitler's birthday off the top of his head.
• Quagmire thinking Kimi's eye color is shaved.
• After finding out that all the couples are incompatible (and that includes a girl Quagmire brought along), the men clap.
• Peter shouting, "Yay! I win couples' counseling!" after the counselor pairs him with Kimi (Quagmire's girlfriend for the episode).
• Stewie admiring the shine from Carter's bare legs.
• Carter, Brian, and the kids playing "flour-facing" (throwing flour in people's faces when they answer the door. Carter did it when he was young as a way to keep Italian-Americans from voting).
• The cutaway of Peter bringing museum behavior into his house, which includes making the floors marble, dressing like a museum security guard, and forbidding Lois from touching the TV remote.
• The cutaway of Stewie playing with Bublé wrap (bubble wrap that sounds like Michael Bublé; when you pop a bubble), which starts out fun when he plays "I Just Haven't Met You Yet," but the more Stewie plays with it, the more it brags about making older women horny with his singing, with Stewie commenting, "This is a very skeevy packing product."
• Cleveland worrying about dying at the hands of the Bahamian revolutionaries because that means his mail and DVR recordings of Ellen DeGeneres's talk show will pile up.
• The one thing that snaps Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian out of enjoying life without TV and electronics: "We now return to Police Chases...That End In Fire."
  Stewie: Holy shit, that's awesome!

Season Fourteen

250. - Pilling Them Softly

• Stewie bothering a preschool student during naptime.
• Peter yelling advice during a NASCAR race.
  Peter: Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Advertise stuff- GO IN A CIRCLE!!!
• After the producer of a Channel 5 cooking show awkwardly tries to shake hands with Peter and Quagmire, Peter doesn't know what to do next, so he hugs the producer.
• Peter tries to do the Cinnamon Challenge while Quagmire rambles on about mince pie.
• "Hey, guess why they call me a box turtle."
• Junior Chef Peter's helpful tips.
• Peter gets fired from Quagmire's show by Mr. Spacely.
• Stewie looking at all the water in the dehumidifier.
• The cook-off training montage, but mostly Peter during random things to Cleveland's rear end.
• "Yesterday, I watch Chris shower for half an hour because I thought it was the TV. He, uh, he lies on his back in there."
• After Brian meets George R. R. Martin, another one shows up who is slightly larger, riding a mobility scooter, and hooked up to an oxygen tank, claiming that the first Martin is an impostor.
• The winning dish in the cook-off: A warm packet of tartar sauce brought in from somewhere else.
  Joe: "When are you gonna use that?" Bonnie said.
• As Peter apologizes to Quagmire, he has various heart attacks and strokes at the same time after eating a giant amount of butter.

  Peter: I couldn't take your dream away - HEART ATTACK! - from you buddy. You're the - MINI-STROKE! - one with the real - HEART ATTACK! - talent. You - HEART ATTACK! - deserve the show - REGULAR STROKE! - not me.

• Peter and Quagmire get themselves fired the same way Paula Deen did, by saying the one word you can't say on TV...
  (cut to everyone at the Clam)
  Cleveland: You could have just quit the show. (end of episode)

251. - Papa Has A Rollin' Son

• The Autistic Postman Always Rings 400 Times. All we hear is a doorbell ringing over and over.
• Glen clothes shopping with his father.
• Peter as a break-up rodeo clown.
  Peter: Oh, now that I'm inside the barrel, he gave you and your sister HPV.
• Rudolph the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
• Peter crying like Snoopy.
  Peter: WAAAAH! I CRY LIKE SNOOPY! WAAAAH!
• A Boston fortune cookie.
  Peter: "I don't know numbnuts, maybe take a garage and fill it with hockey equipment?" Okay, let's see what my lucky numbers are. "Screw you, math dick". Well, that wasn't very helpful at all!
• In the subplot, Stewie discovers Tom Cruise in a kids' clothing score because that's where he buys his clothes.
• The guys try to hang Joe over a horse. It doesn't work.
  • At the end, we see the horse wearing a pair of pants. Guess who notices.
    Adam West: Excuse me, young man, are those Bugle Boy jeans?
• "I read the chart wrong. Apparently, I have something called... 'dislucksia'?"
• Meg's the only one to show up at her birthday party at a restaurant. She asks for bread while unwrapping her gifts and gets charged for it.
• After Joe says his father having more fun with Peter than with him "hurts like the Dickens", we cut to Charles Dickens nipple-twisting his publisher.
• Stewie being the "Does Karate In the Gym Mirror Guy".
• Joe reveals himself to his (handicapped-hating) dad by taking off Peter's glasses, surprising Dad and Peter.
• Lois and the kids trying to get Joe into their car, and not succeeding.
  Lois: He's not fitting. Put some of him in the back like skis.
• Tiny Tom Cruise, and all his Large Ham glory.
• When Stewie tells Tiny Tom Cruise that he can't hang out with him, it leads to this gem:
  Tiny Tom Cruise: You are making a big mistake, Stewie. NOBODY walks away from Tiny Tom Cruise!
  Stewie: Yeah, except for all three of your wives.

252. - Guy Robot

• "Well, that's enough HBO we can see before they air something homosexual."
• Lois' Facebook page has no likes to any of her posts, she likes one of her posts just to get it started.
• A drunk Peter admits they stole a lot of things from The Simpsons.
• During open mic night at the comedy club, Carl (H. Jon Benjamin) does an impression of Bob Belcher, Archer, and both Bob and Archer meeting.
• A man gets a jetski license by saying we has been in a fistfight.
• Stewie as Vin Diesel's acting coach.
• At a mattress store, Lois buys a mattress on Amazon, which gets delivered by drone.
  Lois: Quick, Peter, we gotta get to the house before the drone!
  Peter: Regular stores suck!
• Stewie's robot Lyle apparently played "Gloria" by Laura Branigan during the first commercial break.
  • Followed by a robot Lyle made, Ted R., playing Ricky Martin to start the second commercial break.
• Peter smashes the living room because he wants to watch Laverne & Shirley.
• A newspaper headline reads "Six Flags Run By Kids In Trench Coats".
• The cutaway of Peter finding a kidnapped Meg... just to ask for his grocery club card.
• Peter is admitted into an 1950s insane asylum because he's with a negro (Cleveland) and a cripple (Joe). Cleveland is admitted for standing up to the doctor and Joe is euthanized. Quagmire asks the doctor if they have any braindead female patients they let people have sex with for a few bucks. They do.
• "Yeah, I want to do you where the porn lunch was."
• How Stewie's robots and friends are killed: Brian sprayed them with a garden hose.
• At the end, we see, out on the curb, the robots (all about the same size as Stewie) on top of Lois and Peter's old mattress.
  Herbert: (looking at it) How is this not a trap?

253. - Peternormal Activity

• The episode starts with the boys at a theater showing Maniac Pope 2: Thou Shalt Not Live, a horror movie where the Pope is a serial killer.
• After Stewie mentions "people who take dumps in the shower", we cut to Meg in the shower, who denies anything they say about her.
• "Remember that movie The Blob? What if the blob?"
• The alternate ending to An Affair to Remember where the female lead calls the male lead to say what happened.
• One joke was apparently submitted by a nine-year-old boy.
  Announcer: And we'll pass along your gross request to Mila Kunis.
• After accidentally killing the caretaker of an abandoned insane asylum, Peter says he should get a McFlurry for it.
  • They also bury his car for good measure.
  • At the end, both his hook hand and a car door pop out of the grave.
• Peter hearing the plot of this episode as a John Mellencamp song used in a truck commercial on the radio. With Mellencamp voicing himself!

254. - Peter, Chris, & Brian

• The Fat Guy and Fish & Chips cutaway.
  Fish & Chips: (singing) Fat guys think we're a diet food!
• Peter playing Pai Gow... and what follows after.
• "Hey, Brian, you wanna go for a ride to behind the Kroger's?"
• Teenage!Peter plays Conway Twitty on the tape to himself in the future.
  Peter: This is annoying, I don't wanna sit through this!
• "He's just rhyming 'Danger Zone' with 'Danger Zone'!"
• Chris asks the toaster what "success" means.
  Peter: Hey, Chris, let me know when you're done with the computer.
• Chris tries to shake his head to get a nosebleed.
• Peter and Chris high-stepping around wearing giant hats.
• Brian gets Chris to read The Bell Jar by crossing out Sylvia Plath's name and writing "Spiderman" above it. He's later happy to find Chris with his head in the oven, wearing a Spider-Man outfit.
• Peter's "Walk Like an Egyptian" phase. We see him doing it as he gets teary-eyed making a funeral speech.
• The foreign movie Peter watches, Le Rocque Trois. It turns out to be Rocky III dubbed in French, with the names given faux French pronunciations.
• Moses says there's an eleventh commandment: He gets to be first in line at the buffet.
• The end, where the family talks about what happened while Tom Tucker is delivering a story over it.

255. - Peter's Sister

• Stewie promoting Monster Energy drink.
  Stewie: MONSTER ENERGY DRINK! PUT IT IN YOUR BODY AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!! IT'S GREEN SO IT'S NATURE!
• "Is she a prim and proper 'ont' or a big, fat, hairy 'ant'?"
• Peter tries to avoid talking about Karen by having a lawyer represent him.
• The opening to The Cosby Show (Knowing What We Know Now), which shows Cosby dancing and mugging at the camera while three of the female leads (Phylicia Rashad, Lisa Bonet, and Tempest Bledsoe), along with special guest stars Bonnie Raitt, Bea Arthur, The Noid (Domino's Pizza's mascot in the 1980s and the early 1990s), and the NBC peacock are passed out or sick/dazed from being drugged.
  • Peter's line after seeing the opening: "Huh, I was so blind to the color of his skin that I didn't notice the raping, either."
• Chris having a bizarrely specific fetish for Hispanic women running for city council. He invites a woman like that, Mrs. Vargas, to Thanksgiving dinner.
  Chris: That's a beautiful pants suit, Mrs. Vargas!
• After Karen calls Peter "chin nuts", Quagmire finally notices it.
• "Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about?"
• A cab driver won't leave until Peter enters The White House because he said it was his house. He gets a Secret Service agent to play along.
• "Happy Independence Day, Jack Skellington", a Fourth of July-themed Nightmare Before Christmas parody.
  Jack Skellington: Fat chicks with black hair get tattoos of me!
• The montage of Peter bullying Meg set to "Celebrate" by Kool And The Gang. Also counts a heartwarming moment if you're a long time fan.
• In order to train as a wrestler, Cleveland decides to start Peter off on a painkiller addiction using pills from his stepdaughter Roberta's purse. This ends with the entire gang hooked on painkillers, and Peter saying he would "crime" for more.
• The Chico's Monkey Farm commercial.
• Out of nowhere, "Buttscratcher? Buttscratcher!" makes a surprise cameo.
• All the female wrestlers having gross pun names based on feminine bodily functions.
  Wrestling Announcer: This is one for the history books, if anyone kept track of this nonsense! (This gets extra funny if you're a wrestling fan and know that, yes, people do keep track of it. In a lot of detail at that)

256. - Hot Pocket-Dial

• The episode begins with a steakhouse waiter saying he's giving cocktails to Peter, Lois, and the kids.
• Pheasant ON THE Glass.
  Peter: I defy you to tell me exactly what's wrong with this.
• After Peter decides to have a toothpick in his mouth all the time, he decides to go to a fish market counter because it makes him intimidating.
• Chris thinks sewer workers are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
• Meg ruins broccoli for Peter by saying they don't look like trees.
• "Yeah, what? What? Which doggie in the window?"
• Peter says if you keep listening to Quagmire's pocket-dial, you can hear a busboy get fired.
• Cleveland points out clouds that look like members of Boyz II Men.
• Stewie's trip to Tampa Bay: He gets called out for wearing sleeves.
  Man: Hey city boy, whats with the arm pants?!
• The cutaway of Peter shaming Quagmire, which turns into Peter singing "Chain of Fools".
• When Quagmire decides to leave Quahog, Joe asks if he can say now "jiggety".
• "The guy you think did it? He did it. Now go to bed. Your grandkids are coming tomorrow."
• The Little Mermaid eating Joe's legs.
• The show ends on a low note: Joe telling the gang that an egg dish he said he had was All Just a Dream.

257. - Brokeback Swanson

• The cutaway of Stewie after eating an artichoke.
  Stewie: (while staring at the huge mess of vegetable nonsense on his plate) Good lord, I ate nothing and somehow I'm soaking wet!
• Peter tries to lie to Joe by saying that Peter and Quagmire going to a Chef Boyardee look-alike contest and Cleveland is attending a Cream of Wheat contest.
• The wacky 70s sitcom subplot: Brian acts to be a wife's new dog so he can fool around. It then turns out her husband is a Navy SEAL. And not just any SEAL, but one of the SEAL's that killed Bin Laden. AND he has serious mood swings due to anger over not getting credit for the kill. Later in the episode, Joe Biden shows up to give him proper credit.
  Biden: Yes, you shot the guy we said was Bin Laden.
• "Ladies, gentlemen, and alternative high school graduates, get ready to run for your lives!"
• After Joe gets paralyzed from the neck down, Peter's phone goes off. Ironically, his ring tone is "Walk Like A Man" by the Four Seasons.
• Dr. Hartman thinks the Swansons and the gang are here because it's his birthday. After he leaves and goes into the next room, turns out the rest of the hospital staff IS throwing him a surprise party.
  Dr. Hartman: Hey, don't in that room in the back, it's super sad.
• Daft Punk getting a Grammy, by mail, for the demo button from a Casio keyboard.
  Mailman: Great song, Daft Punk! Here's a Grammy!
  Thomas Bangaltar: (in heavy French accent) Until we spoke just now, I had no idea we were French.
• Peter stuffs the remote control, a can of chili, the can opener, and a magazine in Joe's mouth.
  • Somehow, he manages to tune in to The Price Is Right and turn up the volume.
• Cleveland solving a word puzzle and describing a picture of the Wayans her read in Jet to Joe.
  Joe: I'm honestly just glad you have stuff you like.
• The thesaurusasaurus, a dinosaur who gives synonyms for everything he's doing.
• Peter at Hogwarts.
  Sorting Hat: Housing for registered sex offenders.
  Peter: Awww...
• Joe Biden telling Brian, Chris, and Stewie that Veep is fake, even after they said they didn't watch it.
• Cleveland saying that the participants of the bull run has the kind of fat white women even he isn't interested in.

258. - A Shot In The Dark

• Joe in a small talk class.
  Joe: It sure is cloudy today.
  Teacher: That's good, Joe. You could also have responded to Jenny who told you her son died.
  Joe: I'm sorry your son died on such a cloudy day.
• Lois said Peter once looked like a young Gene Hackman.
  Stewie: That...that's not even good.
• Peter thinks the now-elderly Henry Winkler aka The Fonz is doing his famous "w-w-w-wrong" line from Happy Days, while he's actually having a stroke.
• The cutaway of a customer at an office supply store hitting the "easy" button, causing the clerk to wet, or possibly orgasm, himself.
  Customer: W-what did I just do?
  Clerk: Don't worry about it.
• On neighborhood watch, the gang beats up Cyrano de Bergerac, while Romeo repeats everything he says while he is being beaten.
  Romeo: (romantically) Ow! Ow! Oh my god, four men are beating me! My arm! I think it is broken! Who are you guys? Why? Why? I'll give you anything if you stop beating me. Stop pulling at my nose, it is not fake. I think I am dying. Please take me to the hospital.
• Serious George.
• "Step away from that table! Brain fart. Window."
• Dr. Hartman wrote down the name "brown family" to remember what the Brown family looks like.
• Peter drives his car off a cliff when the speed sign says his speed is "FAT". After the car explodes and burns, the sign changes to "JK LOL".
• "You mean that's not really Quahog? It's just a big picture?"
• Gay Aborigines.
• Lois calling out Peter for his endless parade of stupid ideas that he insists on telling her about, and beating him up with a newspaper. Meanwhile, Meg and Chris are watching from the stairs, and start tearing their hair out as a means of asserting some kind of control over their home life.
  Chris: I'm in charge of my hair, this much I know!
• Chris tells Peter he's going to send him a cake with a file in it while Peter is in jail. Cut to Peter discovering that the "file" Chris sent was the manuals for their kitchen appliances. Peter decides to use his time in jail to learn how to reset the clock on the coffee maker, only for a cutaway to show that he never did.
• Carter reading his JAG fan fiction at an NCIS convention.
• The poster for the Entourage movie is submitted as evidence at Peter's trial.
• Two of Joe's co-workers wonder if he knows their names, since he just refers to them as "other cops".
• "Wanna make the media go away? Just mention black-on-black crime."
• Cleveland Junior telling Peter he's going to come for him for revenge one day.

259. - Candy Quahog Marshmallow

• Peter's late night party line commercial.
  Peter: I'll be on the toilet wearing a t-shirt so long you have to hold it under your chin to wipe.
• After Quagmire admits he was in a Korean soap opera, he also tells Cleveland he's a rock polisher, holding up a tiger eye rock.
• Peter asks Tim Robbins how he managed to put back the Raquel Welch poster in The Shawshank Redemption because he liked the movie up to that point.
• A German movie producer, just after World War II ended.
  Movie Producer: Now that WW2 is over, we can get back to making comedies again! Hans, get me these comedy writers! (hands his assistant a list)
  Hans: Uh, yeah, about that, I don't think any of these guys are available.
  Producer: What?! Get me my agent!
  Hans: Yeah, he probably isn't going to answer either.
  Producer: This is outrageous! I demand to know what happene- Ohhhhh, I remember what happened...
• To avoid Angela firing him, Peter tells Lois to hold the phone up to any episode of Who's the Boss?.
• Peter gets Korean plastic surgery.
  Peter: *with tiny nose and large anime-esque eyes* I feel good. I feel like I want to giggle behind my hand at a lot of things and hold but not eat a big ice cream cone.
• Quagmire's old co-star Sin-Ju tracks him down via the phone app "Find American Johnny". Cut to its inventor sitting in a pile of money.
  Inventor: I already rich from that! Dance for me, Hilary Duff! *cue Hilary Duff dancing in a cage*
• Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in bed.
• Peter as a half-man half-horse. The horse is the front end.
• "Hey Sin-ju, your TV says it's 21 o'clock. What is that in real time?"
• Act two ends with a live-action fake Korean commercial starring Ashton Kutcher. What is the commercial about? A kind of plastic bag you can use to cook stray dogs you accidentally run over on your way home. Which you cook directly on the engine. It's not meant for babies, but it also works for babies.
  Announcer: Here is a commercial that Ashton Kutcher thought no one in America would ever see.
• Throughout the episode, Cleveland gets text messages about Donna's mother dying.
  Cleveland: Odd choice to have an open casket for a gunshot suicide.
• "Confusing dance break!"
• The ending of the subplot where Stewie learns he's a redhead: Just kidding, it doesn't show up at all. The DIRECTV listings threw that in for some reason.
• The K-pop song Peter and the others put on at the end to convince Quagmire to return to America.
  Peter: (singing) Everything in this land is complete nonsense! Even worse, Kim Jong-un lives across that fence!
• Quagmire meeting Sin-Ju's great-grandmother, who is so old, she is transparent.
  Quagmire: Oh my god, I can see through her! Is she a ghost?!
  Sin-Ju: We don't know. She won't answer.
• Quagmire talking about what he likes about being back home in the U.S.
  Quagmire: Here, I can get drunk whenever I want and close myself off from the world in my house.
  Peter: Awww, that's nice, and not at all symptoms of clinical depression.
• At the end, a tan Mayor Adam West, Mort, and Dr. Hartman say they went to Lake Havasu to the gang and taunt them because they got laid.

260. - The Peanut Butter Kid

• Wes Anderson's "Pan Up, Pan Down, French Song, The End".
  Peter: Wow, that was amazing I think.
• After Lois says Chris is too stupid to go to college, Chris cheers.
  Stewie: No, Chris, not yay.
• Peter's "I'm Gonna Barf at the White House" blog.
• Peter accidentally desecrating a military graveyard and stealing all the purple heart medals the soldiers were buried with.
  Peter: They were all buried on this big lawn in these bony cages.
  Brian: Hey guys, there's like four Jeeps driving up to the house.
• Peter finds another metal detector with his metal detector. He decides to see what happens if he touches both of them and gets sent into a void.
  Mayor Adam West: Did you also call into a talk show without turning down your radio first?
• The crew in charge of the auditions turns down Jake Tucker in a nice way (mainly because his face is upside-down).
• Lois apologizes for Stewie's peanut butter commercial debuting during 2 Broke Girls.
• "Bill... bill... bill... weird magazine about our town that's just ads..."
• The cutaway of a sunny-side-up egg happily greeting the morning, only to discover he's being made at a Denny's at midnight, and is going to be served to a drug addict.
  Egg: Help! He's just gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me!
• Peter gets a 3D printer to print a coyote that attacks Chris, when it was supposed to attack Brian.
• Godzilla deciding not to attack Haiti because it's already been destroyed by the earthquake that happened in 2010.
  Godzilla: Oh my God! (slinks back into the ocean)
• Peter giving Stewie a mix of 5-Hour Energy, espresso and cocaine to give him energy for his auditions.
• Stewie deciding that he's going to be really into drugs and dancing as a teenager, only to burn out by 18 and become a bodybuilding born-again Christian.
  Stewie: I'll just be a 180 degree different kind of insufferable!
• When Brian points out that being an actor might not be the best thing for Stewie, Peter points out that Brian's estranged son (Dylan from "The Former Life of Brian" and "Brian's a Bad Father") is a teen actor. Brian immediately snaps to Peter about how his adoptive father hated him and then died.
  Chris: Wow, bringing a gun to a knife fight!
• When Stewie gets his first acting job, Peter takes Chris into a store to tell him he's no longer the favorite son. Chris breaks down crying, then smashes Peter's head through the store window.
  Peter: (bloodied and beaten) I didn't even tell him yet. He just does not like to be touched.

261. - Scammed Yankees

• The NBA on TNT on LSD.
• The last time Carter was left home alone, he did a parody of "Virtual Insanity".
  Carter: Dancing!
  Walking!
  Rearranging furniture!
  Babs is
  Shopping!
  I let the bird out of the cage!
• Brian overhears Meg playing Twister with her friends. Calls include "left cankle blue".
• Ants at a picnic. To be more specific, two giant ants having a regular picnic and behaving obnoxiously, playing loud music, and grilling, bothering a nearby human couple.
• "You have postcards from France?"
• Brian says it would be easy to bring a gun into the high school.
• Kevin James Got Too Fat To Be In Movies.
  Woman: Kevin James, why did you have to come back to television?
  Kevin: I ate Adam Sandler.
• Stewie thinks the line for a gay club is the line for the Apple Store.
• "Well, hop on board the Panda Express... in bed. Like the fortune cookie."
• An African version of Herbert, disguised as a mosquito.
• Tom Tucker says the top story is "sinking newscaster" before he appears to sink.
  Tom: Just kidding, it's the chair.
• Lois calls Uber while in Africa, and gets a rhino with the Uber logo on its side. Shortly after, an elephant with a pink mustache shows up.
• Lois' exasperated reaction to finding out that Peter is being held prisoner in Africa by Carter.
  Lois: Oh, for God's sake...
• On the plane to Africa, the in-flight dinner is delivered in UN Food Relief parcels, complete with tiny parachutes
• After Carter apologizes to Peter for the imprisonment, Peter says its okay, because he's contracted a dangerously high fever and won't remember any of this anyway.
• Joe apparently has a side business as a party clown.
• After Brian fails to score with Meg's hot friend, two stars talk about it and one mentions that its what he (the star) wished for, only he had made the wish 32,000 years ago. Neil deGrasse Tyson then shows up to talk about space.
• The cutaway about ballpark concession food.
  Peter: Yes, I'll have one terrible beer that's filled up way too high so half of it will spill out, and one too-long hot dog in a too-short bun, and do you have mustard relish?
  Cook: Yeah, it's there between the entrance and the exits to the bathrooms.
  Peter: Great. And I'll also have one bag of unsalted peanuts. You know, something I'd never eat anywhere else in the world.
  Cook: Here you go.
  Peter: Great, I can't wait to have diarrhea in the bathroom stall with no door while 20 guys wait for me to finish.

262. - An App A Day

• Peter farts into Cleveland's Shazam app. It says it's Lana Del Rey.
• Stewie reading the closed captioning on Live With Kelly and Michael while on the treadmill.
• "Peter, could you keep it down? I'm looking at lamps I'll never buy."
• Meg pretending she's married to a cardboard cutout of Dog the Bounty Hunter.
• After Chris sends a picture of his junk, he says "It worked well for..." Cut to a list of celebrities caught in inappropriate photo scandals scrolling by as "Yakkety Sax" plays.
• Neil Goldman telling Chris that sending a picture of his genitals to a girl he likes is okay, because anyone sending their kids to public school is basically asking for this.
• Lois talking about how sensitive people have gotten about nudity and sexually active teens, and how in her day, "boys would just whip it out on the bus".
• Peter tries to make a Batman exit from Principal Shepherd's office, but everyone else catches him as he tries to sneak out the window.
• "Coming up next, teleprompter gut puts the period in a weird. Place."
• Quagmire, who's leading sex offender rehab at the Quahog Community Center, shows Chris a list of fake hobbies.
  Chris: I could take a whack at hand-distressing furniture.
  Quagmire: We don't say "whack" here.
• This gem:
  Quagmire: All of you are sex offenders, and statistically, you will all be here again, because this has never worked in the history of doing this. Now, today we have a new member (giggity), Chris G.
• At the sex offenders group, we get this exchange.
  Quagmire: Alright, first of all, whoever has a windowless van painted like an ice cream truck, your lights are on.
  (Over half the group leaves)
• Herbert the pedophile freaking out over Chris being a sex offender and leading a group of little boys into his cellar to escape him.
• Peter's cake mix-up.
  Peter: Hey Chris, wait till you see the funny thing I had them put on your cake.
  Chris: Happy 6th Birthday, Timmy?
  Peter: Uh-oh, they must've mixed 'em up. (Meanwhile at Timmy's birthday party...)
  Timmy: Nice crank, you dirty little bastard? (Enter Peter with the other cake)
  Peter: Sorry, I'll take that. Here's your cake, I ate a great deal of it.
• Quagmire tells Chris not to ring his doorbell. Chris does it anyway and Quagmire's cat freaks out and runs away.
• Peter signing up for an app named Grindr. Not the app used for anonymous homosexual hookups, but another one with the same name for people who enjoy sandwiches. Which is still played as anonymous gay sex.
• "Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?"
• Stewie says he knows where he's going to place his tennis trophy. Cut to two doctors looking at an X-ray of Stewie with a trophy up his butt.
  First Doctor: So the baby died?
  Second Doctor: Yeah, the baby died. But look, first place!
• A self-checkout tells Chris to asphyxiate himself, and then brags to the next self-checkout.
  Checkout: See, I told you I could get him to do it.
• After Chris has himself chemically castrated to get everyone to stop treating him like a pervert and starts acting like an effeminate, soft-spoken weirdo, Peter refers to him as "that thing".
• Chris getting all manner of obscure hobbies once he's no longer occupied with his sex drive.
  Chris: Well, I'm off to the wind chimes store!
  Peter: There can not be a whole store just for that!
• Stewie's over-the-top anger over the referee calling an out for a perceived long shot, which gets him and Brian disqualified. He continues to trash talk the guard removing him from the tennis club until the guard states he believes Stewie's ball was in, whereupon Stewie 180's to a cheerful mood.
• After the drugs wear off, Chris is caught masturbating in the school library by the elderly librarian. We find out later that she died of shock.
  Meg: She worked in that library for 54 years.
  Peter: Well at least she got to see a little wang before she died.
• The episode ends with everyone confused on this week's lesson. It's either "chemical castration is not for everyone" or "don't get angry on a tennis court".

263. - Underage Peter

• Joe talking about "Jimmy Crack Corn" and why the songwriter wrote it if he said he didn't care.
  Quagmire: Are you on vacation, Joe?
  Joe: Yeah.
• The infomerical for The Yanket, a slanket with fake arms so you can secretly masturbate anywhere you want. It reappears in the ending where Chris is now wearing one.
  Stewie: I threw that over him. He was just doing it out in the open before.
• Cleveland putting hot sauce on his fries and talking about why African-Americans love hot sauce so much.
  Cleveland: Black guys put hot sauce on everything, on account of most of us been pepper sprayed by the time we're 2. Can't taste nothing unless you got that burn on there.
• When Peter drinks the shot of hot sauce, the camera zooms into his eyes, and we see clips of a volcano erupting, the surface of the sun, and a dancer girl from Rio's Carnival.
  Peter: That last one was more caliente than hot, but still, holy crap!
• Joe offers Peter $10 for a vertebra, causing Joe to regain his mobility while Peter becomes paralyzed. Afterwards, Peter offers Joe $10 to swap chins.
  Peter: Yay, Joe's chin!
• Peter accepting a dare to open a fire hydrant and drink as much water as possible.
  Cleveland: I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died.
  Quagmire: Don't make light of that.
• Peter drowning a copy of White Fang for ruining his 8th-grade summer. When the book attacks him, Joe shoots it, saying the book ruined his summer, too.
• "Coming up, local high school teacher sleeps with her students. Is she hot? Stay tuned."
• When Peter is angry over the alcohol ban, he asks Lois what the hell non-drinkers do with their time, and she suggest knitting.
  Peter: KNITTING?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! ...maybe. (cut to the whole family wearing knit sweaters and hats)
  Peter: Okay, so it turns out I'm super into knitting.
• During the news segment on the alcohol ban, Mort Goldman says that they should probably trust the lawmakers, and that his pharmacy is fully stocked with cough syrup which goes great with ginger ale.
• Without alcohol, mentally challenged Opie is acting and talking normally, meaning that during all of his antics, he was just drunk.
• You think Adam West is a crazy mayor? Jay Leno is the mayor of a neighboring town, and he's passed a law that makes it illegal to sell alcohol to anyone who's not entirely clad in denim.
  Cleveland: Who keeps voting for these mayors?!
  Peter: Rhode Island's a mess from top to bottom.
• Peter watching a pot boil.
• Quagmire drinking beer out of Peter's belly button, only to choke and cough up LEGO pieces, coins, a remote, a toy car, and a goldfish in a bag.
• The boys drink to make a picture of Rebel Wilson hot. They end up making it a picture of Neil Patrick Harris in his underwear, causing them all to drink coffee to sober up.
• '80s FBI trying to arrest Chris, who's acting like an '80s movie hacker and escaping while "The Heat Is On" plays.
  Agent: We're here for someone using a 24 kb modem to almost start World War III.
• Peter using dead birds to point to things.
• "I've got another game we can play: Boggle!"
• Peter never lies, except for that one time at a restaurant when a man had a heart attack and his wife asked if anyone was a doctor.
  Peter: I have a 13-inch penis! *applause from everyone else in the restaurant*
• Thomas Edison running around stealing credit for inventing the lightbulb and the phonograph.
  Jingle: Look it up, Edison was a dick!
• Peter and his friends go to a prison to get some toilet wine:
  Joe: Peter, why'd you want me to get me into this prison?
  Peter: Because, Joe, everybody knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet. We are gonna get so wasted. Oh, look, right here. This one's full of chardonnay. (scoops some of the contents of the toilet)
  Joe: Peter, I don't think that's...
  Peter: (narrating) But it was chardonnay. The best chardonnay I've ever had in my life. The man who made it, Curtis "Murder Dog" Williams, went on to become one of America's most celebrated vintners.
  Joe: (narrating) Hey, Joe here. Peter's lying, he drank pee-pee.
• Peter eating a croquet ball, thinking it's a tomato.
  Mayor West: That was a croquet ball.
  Peter: (mouth full of blood and shattered teeth) Ah, then could you point me to the closest nighttime dentist?

264. - A Lot Going On Upstairs

• The show begins with Stewie having nightmares:
  • First, he dreams he's naked at pre-school while showing his mother's driver's license.
  • Then he dreams he's at a dinner party with Glenn Close and doesn't recognize the Fatal Attraction reference. He lampshades how weird it is that he doesn't recognize a joke in his own dream.
  • Finally, he dreams he forgets his part in the opening (which doubles as this episode's opening) and is forced on the bench with other lesser-used characters such as the Sleazy Salesman, the Vaudeville Performers, and the Old-Timey Strongmen.
    Stewie: Wait, how did Joe get halfway up those stairs?
• Sham-Peter, Peter as a giant whale, being made to entertain people at a water park.
  Handler: He's a little shy, but here he is, Sham-Peter!
  Peter: *jumps out of the water* I'm not shy, I'm angry! *dives into the water; comes out again* I'm in constant pain! *dives into the water; comes out again* This act has been condemned by 38 different nations!
• Peter goes down to the living room, and finds the coach missing, only to remember that it's at Couchella, a music festival for sofas.
  Couch: I just had sex with a girl on her period!
  Other Couch: Dude, that's not a brag!
• The punchline to the cutaway of Stewie taking the night shift at a supermarket: the customer explains it to a guy in bondage gear chained to a wall.
• Peter stole a "Caution: Children At Play" road sign. In the background, we hear children getting run over. Later on, Stewie mentions that he found a bicycle bell at the crossing where the kids got run down.
• Brian being addicted to eating erasers on pencils.
  Brian: THE WORLD IS SMALL AND SAFE WHEN I DO THIS!!!
• The boys having a pillow fight with the pink fiberglass insulation in the attic.
• The guys putting Joe in Stewie's old baby chair, and telling him its a paratroopers harness.
• After Lois gets sick of Peter and his friends making a ton of noise in the attic she locks them in there by nailing the door shut. Peter eventually resorts to threatening to pooping on her wedding dress if she doesn't let them out. By the time she gets the door open, it's too late, and Quagmire says he's going to need a few weeks away from all of them.
• To help Stewie out, Brian brings out Chris as Frankenstein, followed by Meg as Chris, followed by Mayor Adam West as Meg, who both keep saying "a roodily toot toot". Then Stewie notices a line of characters in the window, each dressed as the character in front of themselves!
  Stewie: Do they all say "a roodily toot toot?"
  Brian: A lot of them, yea.
• "Elmo speak bad English on educational show!"
• Brian in Stewie's subconscious. To say It Makes Sense in Context is an understatement.
  • "Coming up, a map with a hurricane on it, and you don't know your states yet!"
• For some reason, Meg's listening to survival tips during the second half of this episode.
• The last line of the episode, said when Stewie sees the defiled wedding dress:
  Stewie: There's a wedding dress out here covered in shit.

265. - The Heartbreak Dog

• A video of the Swansons' honeymoon and 10th wedding anniversary. It's basically the same footage, but the only difference is Joe's handicapping.
• Stewie tries to text Rupert on a toy cell phone.
  Stewie: Hey, I want real things!
• Scumbag Spock.
• "Before I start, are these the healthy kids or more of the 'dur dur' ones?" "It's a healthy mix".
• A cutaway about Brian finding out Peter's dark double life - he's a cyclist, complete with spandex, helmet and stupid little sideway mirror.
  Peter: I'm sorry Brian, I didn't want you to find out this way... I'm one of these people now.
• When playing charades, Peter acts like a gay man while Joe guesses Hugh Grant movies. Joe ends up guessing the correct answer, Notting Hill.
• Porn movies before sound. Like regular silent films, there's a pianist providing the soundtrack live, and he's also providing sounds of the characters moaning onscreen.
• "Shut up, I'm trying to hum atonally!"
• Meg texts a picture of a brooch she stole to Mayor Adam West.
  Mayor Adam West's Mom: Adam, are you done with that mayor homework yet?
  Adam: It's called a bill, mom.
• Joe uploaded a video of Brian freaking out after Joe drugged him and put boots on him. Peter uploaded a video of Joe watching it.
• Peter, Lois, Quagmire and Cleveland try to tell Joe to stop tormenting Brian after he kissed Bonnie, but they keep getting sidetracked over what a shitty person Brian is.
• Quagmire finally tells Bonnie she's a slut, then decides to hit on her.
• Peter says they're zero for two on interventions. Seamus then throws a bottle of alcohol through the window, saying he won't stop drinking.
• Bonnie watching Joe do a crossword puzzle.
• Chris has been dumping pipe ashes into an urn containing someone else's ashes.
• The dad from Small Wonder deciding not to rape Vicki after shutting her down.
• A couple who meet on Craigslist.
  Man: Ohh, I wonder which one of us is the murderer!
• Joe says Brian has a chip in his ear, which makes Brian realize that's how Peter got good at hide and seek.
  Peter: (sitting in a lawn chair next to a cooler full of beer, looking at his phone) You're under the canoe in Quagmire's yard!
  Brian: (offscreen) Son of a bitch!
• Since they're running low on time, Peter makes Meg, Chris, and Brian race against each other to explain what happened to them.
  Peter: And the winner is... Nobody. (to the camera) Especially not you. Good night.

266. - Take a Letter

• Lois holds up a carton of dog milk they're serving at Stewie's preschool during snack time.
  Brian: Aw, sweet, dilk! (grabs the carton, then drinks it)
• Cleveland finally has a job again as a mail worker. He jokes "What can Brown do for you?", then apologizes for joking about their competitor.
  Cleveland: It's grounds for dismissal if anyone ever got fired here, but they don't.
• Cleveland getting into an argument with an Amazon drone while delivering mail.
  Drone: By foot?! Anyway, I gotta deliver these fat pants to your fat son! (flies off)
  Cleveland: He was harsh, but not untruthful. We have to special order Junior's pants from a company that makes grill covers.
• Flat Stanley as played by Stanley Tucci.
  Tucci: Sometimes I wear glasses, and sometimes I don't.
• Five Judd Hirschs fitting into a giant sweater.
  Judd Hirsh: Ah, I can't wait to spill soup on this!
• "Anyhoo, grab that letter opener. I'll show you why you should never mail cash."
• Apparently, Herbert's still the president of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas fan club.
• Carter calls a time-out during an Eyes Wide Shut party because he can't find his wiener in his mask.
• A high school boy with a drivers' license being seduced into buying groceries for girls.
  Stewie: Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does.
• Peter says "Blackmail!", then gets mail from Cleveland.
  Peter: (to his ex, who actually is blackmailing him) And I don't know what to call the thing you're doing to me!
• The Peter Catcher.
  Peter: (having been tricked into the Peter Catcher's cage truck) I'm going to get so molested...
• Peter leaves a Ray LaMontagne concert because he doesn't have a beard.
  • Before that, when Peter takes off his hat after figuring that no one he knows would be at a concert for said musician, a man offscreen recognizes him.
• Stewie says there's a girl in another room "pulling a train". Cut to a preschool girl pulling a toy train on a rope.
• "Oh no, I chicka-chickaed too early!"
• Peter asks Meg about a text he got, then after Meg says Peter's ex-girlfriend wants to kill Lois, he runs off screaming.
• The episode ends with Stewie saying he's going to become a YouTube star, listing off several others, then notices the Fox logo bug is still on screen and says "This, this is over."

267. - The New Adventures of Old Tom

• How Teddy Roosevelt got on Mount Rushmore.
  Teddy: I got possession of Guam!
• Michael Douglas' Munch-Out, a Punch-Out!! version of Michael Douglas' life.
• Chris dared himself to eat a diamond ring he thought was a lug nut because he has no self-esteem.
  Stewie: We should check in with him more often.
• At the end of act one, Peter gets stuck on a children's train saying it's out of control, like Amtrak. We then see a list of train disasters scroll by as "Locomotion" plays.
  • When Peter is being interviewed after being stuck on the train all night, the centrifugal force has caused the left side of his body to shrivel up while the right side has become horribly swollen.
    Peter: The wind on my skin is like knifes.
• "I feel like I'm cheating on Tom Bergeron."
• Stewie trying to start a chant get everyone out of a health food store leading to a major protest to have sex outlawed.
  Stewie: Are there any grey-haired lesbian art teachers here to help us choose fiber cereal? It won't take long, I know your huge dogs are tied up outside!
• Peter on The Voice. his choice of song: "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.
• The end of Peter and Tom's GoPro skate video: A bear attacks Peter, then notices the camera.
  Announcer: Bear Scares, Latvia's number-one bear prank show, now available on region 3 DVD!
  • At the end of act two, the bear attacks Peter again, followed by a Latvian state-run commercial for "shirt.gov", a website offering shirts.
    Announcer: shirt.gov, shirt.gov, is only place to get your shirt.
• "This just out: me!"
• At the end, Tom and Peter are about to step off a ledge, but a bird suddenly flies in and Tom falls off the building.
  Peter: It's okay, he landed on people.
• The epic Brick Joke at the end of the episode (to announce it here would give it away), followed by a montage of Tom and Peter wiping out on a skateboard over the credits.
• The cutaway with Billy Zane and his agent.
  Agent: Billy, you're through, you haven't been in anything in ten years!
  Billy: Yes I have, I was in those electronic cigarette commercials!
  Agent: That was Steven Dorff!
  Billy: Awww...

268. - Run, Chris, Run

• The Principal giving announcements as a rap.
• "Who do they think I am, Mark Zucker Brothers?"
• Chris believes "Chris Griffin" rhymes with "homecoming king".
• The Bourne movie without Matt Damon.
• Stewie camping with One Direction and Simon Cowell.
• Peter and Quagmire playing Tecmo Bowl.
• "God, a lot of gym teacher suicide memorials in this place."
• After watching a news report, Stewie realizes they voted Chris homecoming king out of pity.
  Brian: Kind of like what we did with George W. Bush, huh?
• Goodyear says it uses blimps because their target audience is drivers and when they're driving, they wanna look straight up.
• After getting his first kiss, Chris texts Peter "U Up?" Justified, because Chris was a baby.
• The Homecoming Queen died in a car crash on prom night.
  Chris: She was on PCP that night, you idiots!
• At the end, Peter and Cleveland play Double Dribble as Peter deliberately keeps shooting three-pointers due to a glitch.

269. - Road to India

• One of the scenes in this episode's "Road To" credits shows Brian and Stewie eating Indian food while both are sitting on a toilet.
• William Shakespeare enduring jokes about his collar as he walks to a store that sells collars.
  Clerk: How did you like the collar?
  William: 'Tis not for me.
• Peter as a fast-food employer flipping the bird to a sign that reads "Employees Must Wash Hands" after saying that he doesn't like being told what to do.
• Jeb Bush and his wife, Consuela.
• "Laughing Cow, that's gotta be a happy farm, right?"
• The Tori Spelling Bee, a spelling bee with words about Tori Spelling.
• Stewie tells his yoga class he's going to India.
• "Come on, I think we see a cab with less than nine people in it."
• Peter has the Somali pirate from Captain Phillips tell Joe he's no longer the leader of their Bingo group.
• Cowboys and Indians and Indians.
  Cowboy Kid: I'm gonna shoot you with my six-gun!
  Native American Indian: I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow!
  Indian: I'm just gonna stand here wearing a shirt that looks like a jacket.
• Brian and Stewie shutting down a group of Indians by pressing the dots on their foreheads.
  Brian: (at the same time) Now let's get out of here.
  Stewie: (at the same time) Now let's go see what their wieners look like.
• Peter timing his farts to thunder crashes, then missing the last one because the storm is moving on.
• Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's wedding.
  Priest: Do you take this woman to lecture you on transfats for as long as you live?
  Chris: I do.
  Priest: And do you take this man to be a watered-down Bono until death do you part?
  Gwyneth: I do.
  Priest: I now pronounce you pretentious and terrible. You may now name your daughter after a fruit.
• After Stewie jokes about getting sandwiches at a New Delhi, we see a four-handed Ganesh doing two rimshots.
• Fruit-stealing monkeys manage to steal a whole table at Padma's engagement party when everyone else is distracted.
• Stewie removing tapeworms like a snake charmer.
• "There's gotta be a Carmen Sandiego episode on India or something."
• The obligatory musical curtain call ends with Brian getting mauled by a tiger.
• Brian being nervous both because he's meeting his girlfriends Indian parents, but also because the setting looks just like on Homeland right before a drone strike.
• At the party, Stewie didn't bother buying any new clothes, he's just wearing an old Aladdin Halloween costume.