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RONMAN THE BARBARIAN! is a Kim Possible fanfic by Mr. Wizard. The characters are placed in a Conan the Barbarian-like setting.

When Ronman is sent off on a journey from his homeland of Actuaria (mainly to keep him from participating in the Fire Juggling Festival the next day), he and his buddy and adviser, Ruthless the Sabertooth Naked Mole Rat, set out to plunder and pillage their hearts out. Along the way, Ronman makes many conquests of the female persuasion, but his dreams are haunted by a lithe figure with soft and loving green eyes. In his quest to find the girl of his dreams, Ronman and Ruthless find themselves as part of a rebellion to overthrow an evil usurper.

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Examples:

  • A-Cup Angst: The reason Kimila was bathing in Nubile Falls early in the morning was to increase her blood flow and grow her breasts. Ronman comforts her by saying from what he saw, they were well-formed, and that he's more fascinated by a woman's butt anyway.
  • Adaptation Name Change: Most of the characters have slightly altered names.
    • Ronman (Ron Stoppable)
    • Ruthless (Rufus)
    • Kimila (Kim Possible)
    • Moniquity (Monique)
    • Wadelin (Wade)
    • Vivian the Vivisectrix (Vivian Porter)
    • Bonya (Bonnie Rockwaller)
    • Bricken (Brick Flagg)
    • Captain Barkane (Steve Barkin)
    • Shegoix (Shego)
    • Mama King (Mama Lipsky)
    • Hegoic (Hego)
    • Strom (Gemini/Sheldon)
    • Elisthar (Dr. Director)
    • King Eddie (Motor Ed)
  • Adaptational Heroism: Gemini as Strom.
  • Adaptational Villainy: Mama Lipsky as Mama King.
  • All Women Are Lustful: Moniquity, Shegoix, and Queen Ann.
  • All Your Sexes Combined: Apparently, Kimila has the best sexual trait of every girl Ronman has ever slept with (Tara's wild tenderness, Zita's fierce need, Sausage Girl's caring, Bonya's desire to please and be pleased, and Shegoix and Moniquity's skill). On top of that, she has her own unique skills due to memorizing every Kama Sutra scroll she found in a hidden room of the library. Needless to say, their first time was the best time Ronman ever had.
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  • Annoying Younger Sibling: As usual, Tim and Jim. Also known as the Twevils ("Twin Devils").
  • The Atoner: Feeling the need to correct the mistake that allowed Drakken to take over Middletonia is what drove Kimila to make the pact with Elisthar.
  • Barbarian Hero: Ronman.
  • Barbarian Tribe: Ronman's tribe, the Actuarians. Their neighboring tribes are mentioned to be this as well.
  • Bathe Her and Bring Her to Me: Drakken's ultimate plan for Kimila is to marry her.
  • Bathing Beauty: Kimila's initial appearance to Ronman outside of his dreams.
  • Best Her to Bed Her: The only way Ronman may lay with Kimila is if he defeats her in combat. It is also the only way that Kimila will be freed of her pact. During their first duel, Kimila overwhelms him (much to her disappointment), and in their second duel, Ronman fights better and more strategically and nearly wins if not for another of Kimila's powers to manifest. Fortunately, he manages to win by having his people overthrow Middletonia.
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  • Bestiality Is Depraved: Sloth took Adrena out of the battlefield to a nearby forest...
  • Big Bad: King Drakken
  • Blatant Lies: When claiming that she always let Drakken do his own thing, she asked him if she objected to him majoring in mind magic rather than elemental sorcery in magic school. Drakken mentally recalled that she did...for a year, but it was better if he didn't admit it.
  • Bodyguard Crush: Ronman becomes Kimila's bodyguard through most of the fic.
    • Bricken for Bonya.
  • Brick Joke: In response to a joke Wadelin made about Barkane giving flowers to the soldiers, the captain said that flowers make one look needy. Later on, it's revealed that during the time Drakken and Shegoix were briefly dating, Drakken cast a spell on himself to grow flowers on his person for her, only for Shegoix to say that he looked needy that way.
  • Chainmail Bikini: Both Kim and Ann. Kim is always embarrassed to see her mom wearing the same thing as her. Kim's was made by Moniquity based on Ann's.
  • A Date with Rosie Palms: Shegoix, while taking a bath, thinking about Ronman.
  • Dating What Mommy Hates: Mama King despises Shegoix. And the feeling is mutual.
  • Defrosting Ice Queen: Kim is as hard as her sword at some points, however, spending time with Ronman manages to soften her. The trope is also literal considering that the powers Kim has been endowed with are ice-based.
  • Divine Parentage: The Gos.
  • Dreaming of Things to Come
  • Dress Hits Floor: Kim's gown when she and Ronman are about to make love for the first time.
  • Dual Wielding: Kim wields two swords to Ronman at one point.
  • Everybody Has Lots of Sex: A major theme of the story.
  • Evil Matriarch: Mama King
  • Evil Overlord: King Drakken (at least he aspires to be)
  • Exotic Extended Marriage: King Eddie has three wives.
  • Fag Hag: Adrena, it seems. As her boy toys "with big hearts" have "found willing hands to help".
  • The Fair Folk: At one point, Kim thinks her brothers might have been Switched at Birth by changelings to explain their troublesome behaviors.
  • Fiery Redhead: Kim can't be anymore fiery than in this fic.
    • Mama King
  • Freudian Threat: When Ronman was sold as a slave to Bonya at one point, she threatens to have him castrated if he does anything to get her mad.
    • It's implied she's done the same to Bricken, but denies it.
  • Girl of My Dreams: Before meeting Kimila in person, Ronman had dreams about making love with a lithe woman with long hair and green eyes. Knowing that it was not a dream due to it first happening in a mystical crypt, he became determined to one day find her. Unlike other cases that have a Peerless Love Interest, Kimila is not only more amazing than Ronman thought, but upon first meeting him (barring their fight after he reveals he was hired by Drakken), she falls for him almost immediately (due to a dream she had) and even took it well when she found him peeking at her while bathing in a pond.
  • Glad-to-Be-Alive Sex: After Drakken's defeat and Ronman's victory in his duel against Kimila, Kimila and Ronman, and everyone else besides Wadelin and Joss, partook in this. It's also heavily implied that Ruthless ended up in a threesome.
  • Gladiator Games: Apparently Lowertonia is known for this.
  • Gondor Calls for Aid: Slim and his Free Riders arrived at the battle in the Road of Kings, after getting the message sent by King James.
  • Good People Have Good Sex: Let’s just say that Ronman and Kimila’s first time was worth the wait.
  • Heroic Fantasy
  • I Am X, Son of Y: Ronman of Actuaria, Son of Dean and Barbara.
  • I Have Many Names: Kimila is also known as, among many, the "Red Kim", "Scarlet Kim", the "Crimson Kim", it's variant "Kim Krimson", and "Kimala".
  • I Like Those Odds: Ronman has this as his default Badass Boast. Also the boast of his people, the Actuarians (bonus to those who know what the name means IRL) who are NOT kidding when they say this.
  • I Want Her Alive: This is what Drakken says to his golems about Kim considering he plans to marry her.
  • I Was Quite the Looker: Apparently, Mama King was very attractive in her youth. She also knows a spell that allows her to reclaim it.
  • Jewish Mother: Mama Lipsky is already one in the series. But in the fic, this trope comes full blast , in addition to being evil, due to Mama King wanting her son to marry Kimila to secure the throne.
  • Kill It with Water: Being a fire witch, Mama King cannot drink nonflammable liquids.
  • The Lady's Favour: The day Ronman left his village, he encountered Tara who gave him her skirt as a parting gift…before passionately pouncing on him. After Ronman met Kimila, he gave the favour back to Tara’s husband Kevin.
  • Lady-in-Waiting: Moniquity, as Kimala's Royal Best Friend.
  • Let's You and Him Fight: Ronman and Kim's first encounter, due to Ronman being hired by King Drakken to kill her.
  • Loophole Abuse: When Ronman is on the verge of losing his second duel with Kimila, he makes use of this by having his people overthrow Middletonia and making himself king. Since any victory a citizen claims applies to the king as well, this makes Kimila's victory in the duel Ronman's victory.
  • Love, Pillage, And Burn: What Ronman and Ruthless set out to do when they begin their travels.
  • Made a Slave: This is Ronman and Ruthless' fate after being on the losing side of the Battle of Go City. They free themselves soon enough. This happened to Wadelin, too, in his backstory.
  • Magical Seventh Son: Vivian reveals to Kim that she's the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.
  • Male Gaze: Kimila stares at Ronman's loincloth, and noticed Moniquity is too.
  • Mama's Boy: King Drakken, of course.
  • The Man Behind the Man: Mama King pretty much controls everything through her son. She wants what's best for him.
  • Mind Rape: Mama King attempted to do this to Kimila in order to break her spirit.
  • Mistaken for Gay: When Barkane admitted he wasn't interested in the sights at Nubile Falls, Wadelin made a joke that maybe he was into the soldiers, only for Barkane to say that fraternizing in the ranks is prohibited.
  • Moment Killer: Ruthless woke up Ronman just as he and Kimila are enjoying themselves in the Dreamworld. Kimila makes him pay for it the next day.
  • My Sister Is Off-Limits!: Back when Shegoix was a defender of Go City, her suitors would get a talk from Hegoix, resulting in them behaving like perfect gentlemen, much to her dismay.
  • Mythology Gag:
  • Naked First Impression: How Ronman saw Kimila for the first time in person.
  • Nice Job Breaking It, Hero!:
    • Kimila felt that letting herself be played by Drakken is what allowed him to usurp her family, driving her to become The Atoner.
    • Because Kimila insisted on finding the source of Drakken's memory spell, she and Ronman ended up getting captured.
  • Nobody Here but Us Statues: When the BBG hide in Bortalair's room, Ronman does this. Bortalair knew they were there the whole time.
  • Non Sequitur, *Thud*: During his first duel with Kimila, Ronman crashed into Ruthless and Moniquity's 'Seconds' box then dizzily said "Ruthless, didn't know you had a twin sister".
    Moniquity: I hope he's talking just to you.
  • Off with Her Head!: King Eddie was about to behead one of his wives until King James stopped him. She even accepted her death as she went on her knees and bowed her head. It's King Eddie's people's tradition for the winner to take the loser's one of his wives, should the winner refuse then the newest wife gets beheaded. Slim decides to take her as his new wife and Joss's new mother.
  • Organ Autonomy: After several rounds of lovemaking, Ronman and Shegoix's exhausted loins demand a drink from their brains. They aren't pleased when the two opt for alcohol.
    WE SAID WE NEEDED WATER!
  • Our Gods Are Different
  • Outdoor Bath Peeping: A pond called Nubile Falls where village women bathe has a hill above it called Gawker's Roost. Apparently, the women have no problem being seen, even having the road expanded to make a grander entrance. This is also how Ronman met Kimila, who was fine with being seen by him.
  • Parental Sexuality Squick: Kim is naturally grossed out when James and Ann get amorous.
  • Raging Stiffie:
    • While in the Chop Shop learning how to act like a castrato and control himself, Ronman keeps getting aroused by the servant girls. One of the girls chops a sausage each time that happens. The shock calms him down. A lot.
    • Later, Bonya's "friend" Gimmea's slave got caught with one (due to their mistresses rubbing oil on each other). Apparently he constantly fails at controlling himself. She had the guards take him to the Chop Shop as "a repeated offender".
    • Drakken got one in his bathtub when he pictured Kimila naked.
  • Ragtag Bunch of Misfits: The Breeches Bandit Gang (BBG for short). They include Ronman (a barbarian), Ruthless (his former pet Saber Tooth Naked Mole Rat), Wadelin (an alchemist), Moniquity (the Queen of Thieves and Royal Best Friend of Kimila), Felix (Ronman's Plunder Buddy and fellow barbarian), and Kimila (the warrior princess).
  • Really Gets Around: Ronman, and likely Moniquity.
    Ruthless: Remember, my sense of smell is fifty times keener than yours. For instance, your skirt tells me that you spend some quality time with that young guard in the South Tower sometime after four bells.
  • Really Royalty Reveal: While searching for the Red Kim, Ronman discovers that she is actually the princess of the actual royal family of Middletonia and Drakken is a usurper.
  • Reports of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated: Drakken and Shegoix thought Ronman and the BBG had been wiped out by Kimila, when in reality they had actually joined the rebellion while Kimila gave a false message to Barkane. It wasn't until the climax that they found out the truth, which unfortunately led to some awkwardness when Kimila learned about Ronman's intimacy with Shegoix.
  • Romantic Spoonfeeding: During the feast after Kimila and Ronman's second duel, in which Ronman emerged victorious, the two broke bread, dipped it in broth and fed each other.
  • Royals Who Actually Do Something
  • Samus Is a Girl: Before meeting Kim, Ronman thought "the Red Kim" was a man.
  • Sassy Black Woman: Monquity, more so than in canon.
  • Screaming Warrior: King Eddie
  • Sex Magic: Women of Tara's tribe gain the mantle of Seers upon losing their virginity to a man with certain qualities. Tara's first time with Ronman unlocks her ability.
  • Shout-Out:
  • Spit Take: Kimila did this when Mama King informed her that she was going to marry Drakken.
  • Stripperiffic: Again, both Kim and Ann.
  • Talking Weapon: Kimila's Soul Sword, due to being possessed by a ghost named Vivian.
  • Throwing Down the Gauntlet: After spending a month getting to know each other, on a date one night, Ronman does this as a means to challenge Kimila to a rematch. Kimila considers it romantic.
  • Two-Person Pool Party: James and Ann had one of these in a cistern. Kim makes a mental note to never drink from it or look at it again.
  • Unicorn: Kimila's steed, Sloth.
  • Villainesses Want Heroes: Shegoix wants Ronman.
  • Virgin Power: To end her pact, Kimila had to lose her virginity to the man that defeated her in combat.
  • You Can Leave Your Hat On: Before meeting James, Ann worked as a stripper at a place run by her and her friends called the Tilting Ground. This becomes a Chekhov's Skill when she and her friends get back together for a reunion show in order to get past Drakken's forces.
  • You Need to Get Laid: While Kimila was worried that her competitive nature will ruin her chance for love, runes on her Soul Sword appear saying "Boys come and go, but always there remains the discipline of steel.".
    "Stealth it, Viv." Kim put her soul sword in its scabbard.
    "You need to set that girl up with a nice, sexy axe." Moniquity grumbled.

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