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This is the thread we use to talk things over with people who received a suspension notice. A lot of the time the notice goes out just so we can explain how seriously we take certain things, not because we want the person to feel bad and go away.

For a fun site, we're pretty fussy about stuff like grammar and spelling, for example. More than you would expect, considering that we do want the funny. Everything is better with the funny.

Leave a note here indicating you want to talk the suspension over, then hang in there for a bit. A moderator will be along to talk to you about the situation.

NOTE: If you see another banned person post something that you want to comment on, don't. This thread is for discussion between banned people and Mods - no third parties invited.

While you're at it, browse What to Do If You Are Suspended.

edited 2nd Dec '13 9:48:19 PM by FastEddie

Deadbeatloser22 MOD from Disappeared by Space Magic Relationship Status: Hoping Senpai notices me
Sep 21st 2019 at 1:14:09 AM

~dvorak: You aren't aware of a problem you were warned about eight times? Pull the other one, it rings.

"Yup. That tasted purple."
Sep 21st 2019 at 6:24:05 AM

~nombretomado, you seem to be addressing two related points: this most recent incident, and the overall trajectory of that cleanup thread. I think they both need to be addressed, but perhaps we can focus on the more specific point first?

Perhaps in a well-meaning effort to avoid becoming personal, or uncivil, you remove yourself from the conversation ostensibly, but then take action to have your way enforced. In the latest case, it was hollering for a mod, which led to a suspension. We later discussed and concluded the holler and request was not appropriate.

What would have been a better way to handle this? The sequence of events from my perspective went something like:

  1. I saw a series of problem edits to the Death Stranding page. They were problems because they lacked citation to a publicly-released, tropable source, as required by the policy page.
  2. I commented out the problem entries and sent a notifier to the troper bringing their attention to the policy. This is all rather standard procedure so far.
  3. The troper and I had a discussion on the cleanup thread. Over the course of this discussion the troper was overtly hostile toward me, a behavior that persisted as long as the discussion did.
  4. I tried to be patient with them, suggesting ways of rewording their entries so that they could be restored and giving specific examples of other entries on the same page that did not have the same problems.
  5. The troper unhid their previous entries with changes that did appear to make some efforts to address my concerns, but still betrayed a fundamental misunderstanding of the spirit of the policy.
  6. I made a post on the cleanup thread explaining the misunderstanding and offering, once again, to work with the troper on the matter.
  7. The troper, having apparently peaced out of the discussion altogether and not read my post explaining the problems with their previous edits, made a new multi-bullet-point addition to the page which lacked even the token citations from their edits above.
  8. Unsure how to resolve the situation myself, I hollered to the mods for help. I did not request a particular course of action. I did not say, "Hey, please ban this guy and revert his edits." I alerted them to a troubling situation and trusted them to handle it however they saw fit.

You're telling me that that was the wrong way to resolve this situation. How would you suggest I handle a situation like that in the future?

Edited by HighCrate on Sep 21st 2019 at 1:29:17 AM

AjWargo Lord Barglebroth, Come For Your Souls! from Westfeild, New Jersey
Lord Barglebroth, Come For Your Souls!
Sep 21st 2019 at 6:32:10 AM

It has been a few weeks. I think I’m ready to be released from my suspension.

Check out my fanfiction account here!
dvorak Cheeky Sulu from Directly behind you; masquerading as your shadow Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Cheeky Sulu
Sep 21st 2019 at 9:59:47 AM

Eight times? I only see two in my DM's; one two or three months ago, and one several years ago. Certainly not eight. This really is out of the blue from my perspective. I'm sorry for any trouble. Are you sure it's me?

Now everybody pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am.
Deadbeatloser22 MOD from Disappeared by Space Magic Relationship Status: Hoping Senpai notices me
Sep 21st 2019 at 11:28:07 AM

~dvorak: Yes, it's eight times. It's all on file.

"Yup. That tasted purple."
dvorak Cheeky Sulu from Directly behind you; masquerading as your shadow Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Cheeky Sulu
Sep 21st 2019 at 12:01:21 PM

Goodness. What needs to happen for me to edit again? I have studied the indentation guide. I'll try to make sure it won't happen again.

Now everybody pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am.
Berrenta MOD Heating things up from Texas Relationship Status: Can't buy me love
Heating things up
Sep 21st 2019 at 5:21:56 PM

~dvorak: Prove it.

I'll give you one entry that includes an edit you made. In this thread, give us a rewrite of the following:

  • Not the Intended Use: In the first arc, DARPA reverse-engineers the gravity repulsor in Vexxar's ship and turns it into a gravity-pulse cannon powerful enough to make Demios look like the last two bites of a cookie.
    • The Mahakalosian Engineers are able to turn said gravity-pulse cannon into a Deflector Shield as well.

dvorak Cheeky Sulu from Directly behind you; masquerading as your shadow Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Cheeky Sulu
Sep 21st 2019 at 6:31:39 PM

  • Not the Intended Use:
    • In the first arc, DARPA reverse-engineers the gravity repulsor in Vexxar's ship and turns it into a gravity-pulse cannon powerful enough to make Demios look like the last two bites of a cookie.
    • The Mahakalosian Engineers are able to turn said gravity-pulse cannon into a Deflector Shield as well.

"Don't list one example, and then indent the others under it. Instead, use:

  • Alice and Bob:
    • In episode 2, this trope occurs when...
    • In episode 21, this trope occurs again when..."

"Example Indentation in Trope Lists" TV Tropes staff, April 1, 2012

Or:

  • Not the Intended Use: In the first arc, DARPA reverse-engineers the gravity repulsor in Vexxar's ship and turns it into a gravity-pulse cannon powerful enough to make Demios look like the last two bites of a cookie. The Mahakalosian Engineers are able to turn said gravity-pulse cannon into a Deflector Shield as well.

Upon re-reading, it could have been all one example.

Edited by dvorak on Sep 21st 2019 at 6:33:47 AM

Now everybody pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am.
nombretomado MOD the formatting mod from just kind of around Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
the formatting mod
Sep 21st 2019 at 9:21:05 PM

~dvorak, I disagree on your assessment of it being a single example, since it appears to be talking about two distinct occurrences of the trope.

Agreed?

~AjWargo, please explain to me what you're going to do next time something in a work pisses you off.

~HighCrate, it would be inappropriate to predicate this discussion purely on this single incident, as we are generally more concerned with the sustained nature of your participation. The only thing I will advise is that we did not choose to suspend you concurrent with rethinking number9robotic's suspension, but rather after your posts in the Appeal to moderation thread.

Like I said, I'm more personally frustrated by this than I usually care to be in appeals, so pinging a couple other mods who had tossed their hats into this case: ~Berrenta and ~Septimus Heap.

~number9robotic, please don't operate on "better to ask for forgiveness" when it comes to a disputed entry. Like Berrenta said here, the consensus was tilting your direction, but you should have made sure before moving forward. Alright?

~EarsplittingLepidopteran, thanks for coming in. It's been a couple years time, but you were suspended for partaking in an Edit War on Amazonian Beauty over an example from FFVII. Please look at the policy page linked and let me know how this should have been resolved instead.

Sep 21st 2019 at 9:45:28 PM

Yes, I understand my mistake, and promise not to repeat it. Next time, I'll make sure to get explicit confirmation that I can act on a matter while a discussion surrounding the validity of it is happening.

I am still a robot.
nombretomado MOD the formatting mod from just kind of around Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
the formatting mod
Sep 21st 2019 at 9:48:36 PM

~number9robotic, thanks for discussing. You're released.

dvorak Cheeky Sulu from Directly behind you; masquerading as your shadow Relationship Status: Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Cheeky Sulu
Sep 21st 2019 at 11:03:04 PM

Agreed. I will ensure that I follow the indentation guide from now on.

Now everybody pat me on the back and tell me how clever I am.
nombretomado MOD the formatting mod from just kind of around Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
the formatting mod
Sep 21st 2019 at 11:07:10 PM

OK, ~dvorak, I would suggest if you receive any such notifiers or PMs in the future, you follow up immediately to ensure no more issues recur. You're released as well.

Sep 21st 2019 at 11:10:09 PM

Okay, now I'm even more confused. You tell me that the holler was inappropriate. I lay out the situation and ask what a more appropriate response would be. You tell me that there's more to discuss than that (which, yes, I agree and acknowledged that in my last post) but that the real catalyst was something I said in the moderation appeal thread, and link to a post where I... noted that Berrenta seemed to have a problem with the holler and asked what a more appropriate response would be.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Edited by HighCrate on Sep 21st 2019 at 11:40:12 AM

AjWargo Lord Barglebroth, Come For Your Souls! from Westfeild, New Jersey
Lord Barglebroth, Come For Your Souls!
Sep 22nd 2019 at 3:30:44 AM

I am going to keep it to myself and bash neither the show nor the creators or production staff.

Check out my fanfiction account here!
SeptimusHeap MOD Token Good Teammate from Bern, Switzerland Relationship Status: Mu
Sep 22nd 2019 at 6:22:37 AM

~High Crate: For me, the problem is that your approach to the unreleased works cleanup is unduly aggressive and it continued to be unduly aggressive until it began to generate complaints. That pattern includes overzealous deletions, running off to the moderators too quickly and hammering away at the same issues too long after it's become clear there is no consensus. It all adds up to a perception that you are too aggressive for that cleanup. I think the best solution would be for you to stay away from it.

Sep 22nd 2019 at 8:13:44 AM

I'll cop to overzealous deletions. That's something we talked about the last time I was here, and I think I've done a pretty good job of addressing it. For example, in this latest incident, I did not delete anything, merely hid the problem entries. When they were restored, I did not re-hide them, just made my objections known in the cleanup thread and waited for a consensus to form. There was one entry that I felt could not possibly be rehabilitated pre-release and should definitely be deleted rather than merely hidden, but rather than delete it straight away, I made a motion in the cleanup thread that it should be deleted and waited for consensus to form.

You say I'm "running to the moderators too quickly." That is literally what I was told to do when last I was here: alert the moderators when there was a problem that seemed to be escalating beyond my ability to handle it myself. I have asked multiple times what a better way of handling the situation would have been and have not received a clear answer. I'm trying to work with you guys here, I really am, but you're not giving me much to work with.

Edited by HighCrate on Sep 22nd 2019 at 8:20:10 AM

Sep 22nd 2019 at 6:06:24 PM

I don't understand why Pink Diamond is given the Draco in Leather Pants treatment on her page, even if there are tropes talking about her insensitivity, and that I have been suspended simply for putting tropes portraying her in a slightly negative light. Heck, she was once my favorite character, but now I despise her. Rebecca Sugar herself even called her a horrible person, and her actions, such as abandoning those who loved her, lying to her friends, and causing Pearl to suffer trauma, showcase just that.

Sep 22nd 2019 at 6:49:45 PM

Hi I regret instigating a Edit War in Amazonian Beauty years ago and I feel my behavior was childish. I do not wish to argue with moderators and want to be careful with my edits which does requires me reading the guidelines and policy more throughly before I think about contributing to pages.

I’d like a second chance to help this wonderful wiki, but I will accept denial without griping.

Best wishes Earsplitting Lepidopteran

Sep 22nd 2019 at 7:32:28 PM

-nombretomado

Sorry for the late reply. Times have been pretty busy and hectic for me. Anyway, I think I am finally getting the hang of this. Here is my revised example(s), but now with two proper second-tier bullets.

Loads and Loads of Characters:

  • While not as much as in the books, the movies give us a wide variety of characters. There is the Fellowship of the Ring (Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, and Boromir), the villains (Sauron, Saruman, the Witch-King of Angmar, the other eight Nazgul, Grima Wormtongue, Lurtz, Gothmog, Gollum, Shelob, and the Mouth of Sauron), the Rohirrim (King Theoden, Eomer, and Eowyn), the Elves (Galadriel, Elrond, Arwen, Celeborn, and Haldir), the Gondorians (Denethor and Faramir), and various others (Bilbo, Treebeard, Deagel, the King of the Dead, and more).

  • The Hobbit trilogy has its own expansive set of characters as well. There is Thorin Oakenshield's Company (comprising of Thorin himself, Bilbo Baggins, Balin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Nori, Dori, Ori, Gloin, Oin, Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur), the Elves of Mirkwood (King Thranduil, Legolas, and Tauriel), the People of Lake Town (Bard and his three children, the Lord of Laketown, and Alfrid), the villains (Azog, Bolg, the Goblin King, and Smaug), Radagast the Brown, Beorn and Thorin's cousin Dain, father Thrain, and grandfather Thror. Combine these two sets of characters, and this cinematic universe is jammed packed with character!

Berrenta MOD Heating things up from Texas Relationship Status: Can't buy me love
Heating things up
Sep 22nd 2019 at 10:42:32 PM

~dayandnight

We felt that you neglected on one major part of your previous ban: character-bashing agendas and apologism for another character.

And yep, same page as before.

Luigifan The Internet Wanderer
The Internet Wanderer
Sep 23rd 2019 at 4:48:48 PM

Hey, I presume I've been suspended over the construction of the SCP Foundation SCP-914 Experiment Log page, because I've been reverting some edits that change up a lot of the links. Truth be told, I don't understand the reasoning behind some of the edits. I'm incorporating the other edits into my master draft where I feel comfortable with doing so (such as removing the link to Defictionalization and Wham Shot), but I would like to continue working on building it. What were the reasons behind the removed links? I've been working on this wiki for several years, so I presume that I know what I'm doing with my internal link placement.

Edited by Luigifan on Sep 23rd 2019 at 7:50:28 AM

Luigifan The Internet Wanderer
The Internet Wanderer
Sep 23rd 2019 at 4:58:23 PM

Upon reading the Sinkholes page, it's clear that I used a lot of chained sinkholes there... I have been gradually reorganizing the links.

nombretomado MOD the formatting mod from just kind of around Relationship Status: We finish each other's sandwiches
the formatting mod
Sep 23rd 2019 at 5:00:23 PM

~AjWargo, I just want to take one more moment here. We don't enjoy hosting endless negative commentary, either on the wiki or on the forums. In particular, forum threads are by and large frequented by people who enjoy the work or enjoy constructive commentary on the work. The posts that led you here were clearly neither. Please don't piss in the pool moving forward. You've been released.

~EarsplittingLepidopteran, please let me know how to handle this situation: you add an example, another troper deletes it. What's the next action that would be appropriate for you to take?

~jibster, that's pretty good. However, you should strike the "as well" from The Hobbit example. Each example should stand on its own. If you put in references to other things on the page, and the page gets revised, your reference could become outdated. Make sense?

Before I let you go, please correct this indentation as well - just to make sure we're square:

  • Absentee Actor: Aidan Gallagher (Nicky) was missing from all but the final few minutes of "This Little Piggy Went to the Harpers". The reason in-universe was that Nicky went to a cooking camp.
    • Mace Coronel (Dicky) was missing from "Quadcodile Dundee" with the character first just in another room but eventually sent to Australia as a foreign exchange student. The actor left the show with five episodes left to film, so his character was gone for those episodes.

~luigifan, did you review any PM's you received regarding those edits? That may give you some guidance on what issues there were.

Luigifan The Internet Wanderer
The Internet Wanderer
Sep 23rd 2019 at 5:17:36 PM

I haven't looked at PMs yet — I've been too busy dealing with the most egregious chained sinkholes on my master draft. Here's what I've got now:

    open/close all folders 

    General 

    Experiment Logs 0100- 0199 
  • This bit is an amusing piece of Mundane Utility... well, "utility" might not be the right word:
    "Yes, I've been playing chess with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." note 
    • Later tests indicate that SCP-914's ELO is somewhere between 500 and 800, so this guy apparently stinks at chess.
  • SCP-914 does not appreciate tax forms.
    Input: 1x IRS Form 1040 (blank)
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1x IRS Form 1040, with all blank space including margins and backs of pages filled with imprecations against the IRS and taxation in general in the following languages [in order of quantity of text, from greatest to least]: Basque, Quenya [see below], Sumerian, Cherokee, an unidentifiable language with a writing system composed of curved symbols, Classical Chinese, English (from the curses used, apparently c. 1650-1750). After long study of the unidentifiable symbols Dr. █████ could identify no commonality with any of the other languages present on the form. The Sumerian contained three words unattested from any known text. The Quenya had its cursing of the IRS interspersed with vituperation of someone or something called "Morgoth".
    • Remember, that was the Fine setting. The output on Very Fine is:
    An anachronistic IRS Form "MXL"note  filled out by Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus.
  • Fun with art:
    Input: One (1) print of [Les trahison des images by René Marguite]
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A blank piece of paper with the memetic property of inducing observers to believe that it is a pipe. The paper was accidentally destroyed by Dr. C███████ who placed it in his mouth and set it on fire. Dr. C███████ was treated for minor burns to his face but was otherwise not injured.
  • Putting a stress ball in SCP-914 turns out to be a terrible idea:
    Input: One (1) of the above-mentioned "stress balls"
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An unaltered stress ball. A stress ball that, at random intervals between a minute and five minutes in length, hurls itself at the face of the person in closest proximity to it. If the face is covered or otherwise protected, it will alternatively aim for the stomach or crotch. Object secured and destroyed.
    Note: I'm guessing it took the idea of a "stress" ball very literally. Ouch. - Dr. Hadian
    • For those who are wondering: the Very Fine setting produced a living teddy bear, which was quickly viewed as being similar to SCP-1048 and fitted with a tracking device. Thankfully, this teddy bear hasn't done anything naughty... yet.
  • The researcher behind this one should be thankful that it didn't turn out worse:
    Items Used: One (1) block of concrete, 12x one (1) foot lengths of steel rebar, One (1) can of Krylon brand spray paint, One (1) picture of SCP-173
    Input: Contents stated above
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Thirty (30) miniature replicas of SCP-173, all animate and extremely cute hostilenote . They cannot move within direct line of sight. Objects are reported to attack by bumping into the legs of personnel and are extremely resistant to being moved.
  • SCP-914 is not a fast food station:
    Name: Dr. ██████
    Date: ██/██/20██
    Total Items: Three (3) sheets of 8.5x11 in printing paper with varying instructions

    Input: A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A single sheet of 8.5x11in paper, with the words “I would like a Whopper. No Ketchup, No Mustard. Small order of onion rings, and a medium Coke”

    Input: A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A stack of US counterfeit currency, composed of standard paper and printed with #2 pencil lead. The currency totals to the exact cost of the requested order, plus tax.

    Input: A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A single sheet of 8.5x11 in paper, with a series of symbols inscribed upon it which do not correspond to any known system of writing. Subjects viewing the symbols describe a sudden and intense desire for a cheeseburger.
  • SCP-914 once again proves itself capable of producing SCP-classifiable items:
    Input: 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties, and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.note 
  • Fun with alcohol.
    Name: Agent Smithers
    Date: 8/19/████
    Total Items: Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.

    Input: One (1) bottle of high-quality beer.
    Setting: Very fine.
    Output: A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED].
    Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible SCP classification?
  • Applying 1:1 to the Samsung Galaxy Note 7 results in... a grenade.
    Note from Dr. Sutherland: I did this out of curiosity and because I wanted to prevent my phone from exploding in my pocket. Apparently SCP-914 has a sense of humor, and keeps up with current events.
  • Apparently, 914 hates crosswords, despite its questionable sentience:
    Input: An unsolved crossword puzzle
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A brief typed letter requesting the meanings of various short phrases. Examination shows that they line up with the "clues" given in the crossword.
    Input: An unsolved crossword puzzle
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A crumpled-up piece of paper. The output was launched at high velocity and trailed smoke.
    Note: Yeah, I never really liked those things, either.
  • This one is hilarious:
    Input: One pound of █████ brand bacon. Fully cooked. One photograph of SCP-682.
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: One miniature replica of SCP-682, approximately five inches tall at the shoulder, made entirely out of cooked █████ brand bacon. Entity is fully animate and extremely hostile toward all life forms. It escaped containment, attempting to kill all staff present. It was unable to inflict any damage due to its small size and the materials used in its composition. Entity made a “sizzling” sound as it moved that several staff described as “pleasing to the ears.” Classification of entity as SCP-682-BAC denied.
    Note: Very funny, Dr. Curtis. You are suspended from testing SCP-914 until further notice. Though I have to admit, it smelled delicious. -Dr. Gears
    • The next researcher to enter the testing room wonders why it smells like bacon.
  • After a speaker turns into something that loudly (300db, more than enough to deafen people!) blasts whatever the person has in mind:
    Note: I can't believe the last thing I ever heard was Barry Manilow. We couldn't have found a D-Class with better music taste? -Dr. Maguire
  • A little bit of Fridge Humour: If you put a copy of ET The Extraterrestrial in 914, and set it to Fine, it returns a boxed copy. As in, it's better as a collector's item or shelf decoration than as a game.
  • SCP-914 + Skateboard Wheels = Bad Idea:
    Input: One (1) wheel (green)
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One (1) bearing, suspended by an invisible outer wheel of unknown material. Although invisible, the outer wheel physically exists and appears to use higher-dimensional translations to redirect the force of gravity and propel the object forward at at about half the speed of free fall. The wheel can be easily stopped at low speeds, but gains momentum quickly while unhindered. Prospective researchers should note that under the influence of gravity the wheel will always retain a 1/4mg horizontal force, even while at rest.

  • Poor, poor Dr. Mason; just when he thinks he’s made a breakthrough… well, just read for yourself.
    Name: Dr. Mason
    Date: 07/06/2017
    Total Items: Five (5) realtime location beacons, standard Foundation issue.
    Note: The area above and around SCP-914 was set with receivers before this test. In this test, all directional notation is relative to the central "Intake" and "Output" booths, i.e., a subject standing at the mainspring is facing "North".

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Small amounts of various scrap metals and other composite materials of tracking beacons.
    Path: Within the first 0.15 seconds, the signal was traced to move 3.41 meters "North" before turning exactly ninety one (91) degrees. Signal was lost after another 0.3 meters.

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One (1) tracking beacon, with battery and transceiver unit removed. No other visible damage.
    Path: While again initially traveling "North" for 3.41 meters, the tracking device remained functional for almost twice the amount of time as the first trial. This path appeared to follow the outer edges of the rectangular main body of SCP 914 before the signal was lost.
    Note: I wonder if there are set paths that each setting follows. - Dr. Mason

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One (1) unlabeled tracking beacon consistent with those used by Canadian counterterrorism groups.
    Path: "North" for 3.41 meters. Signal then moves towards one of the "Southwestern" outer segments of SCP-914, where it repeatedly follows an equilateral triangle for 0.13 seconds before losing signal. Analysis of received signals shows a new signal retracing a path back to the booths.
    Note: Seriously, though. What is that first bit Northward for? I've checked the recordings, it does that in every test. Every. Single. One. - Dr. Mason

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One (1) apparent tracking beacon, components consistent with Foundation-specific requirements. Tracking beacon is smaller than standard, with certain unknown components. Testing revealed it to be fully operational, although signal was lost mid-test, as the output ran a different operating system.
    Path: "North" for 3.63 meters. "South-southeast" for 0.7 meters. Accelerates in the opposite direction for four (4) meters before signal cutoff.
    Note: So, I was talking to a colleague about my testing, and they said that the Fine output sounded familiar. Turns out the smaller beacon and the new OS are both prototypes right now. Guess we end up using them. - Dr. Mason

    Input: One (1) tracking beacon
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One (1) thin strip of translucent film, shown to be attachable with static cling. Discovered to be remarkably resilient for its size when D-1126 tore a fingernail pulling it off of the wall of the Output Booth. Currently unreadable.
    Path: "North" for 3.41 meters. Subsequently appears to reach all parts of SCP-914, although high speeds prevented receivers from accurately tracking the path.
    Note 1: Well, that was disappointing. At least I got a strip of fancy tape. Hopefully I'll be able to get something out of the prior results. - Dr. Mason
    Note 2: So, turns out if you let that tape stick itself to your hand, you can draw the paths of whatever it recorded. You also draw a legend, and what appears to be a menu screen. I'm going to try to get this put onto a D-Class to preserve my wrists. - Dr. Mason
    Note 3: Wow. So, not only did the new tracker record its own movements, it somehow recorded ALL of the movements. Of EVERYTHING that 914 has worked on over the last 3 months. I think I've finally gotten 914 to work with us, albeit with a lot of analysis involved. This is amazing. - Dr. Mason
    Note 4: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. I thought it would make sense for ONCE. But no, it had to be messing with us again. One of my interns - sorry, Junior Researchers - found out that, if you superimpose all the paths from the tracker, you get a 3D image of the Foundation logo. It's pretty for art drawn in GPS, but it still makes this whole project meaningless. Piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doesn't follow set paths. It does whatever it wants. - Dr. Mason
    Note 5: Dr. Mason has been placed on psychological leave due to apparent stress. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command
  • Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. Hertz did not take kindly to the implication of being a Dreadful Musician and had to be dragged out when he attacked the machine.
  • An attempt to analyze a computer virus known as "Creeper" doesn't go as planned.
    Input: Creeper source code on USB drive.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A metallic figure, green in color and vaguely phallic. The object self-destructed upon being removed from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial firework. The remains have shown no anomalous properties.
    Note: Well, that was anticlimactic. - Dr. Manheim
  • SCP-914 doesn't think highly of Nazis.
    Name: Researcher M. Inselmann
    Date: 04/12/2018
    Total Items: Three copies of 'Mein Kampf,' by Adolf Hitler. Text in the original German.

    Input: A copy of Mein Kampf
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A book titled 'How to Make Friends, Influence People, and then Murder Them,' subtitled 'How to be a Dickhead for Dummies.' Text mostly consists of hyperbolic German profanity.

    Input: A copy of Mein Kampf
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A pile of ashes.

    Input: A copy of Mein Kampf
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: An animate 45-centimeter tall origami caricature of Adolf Hitler. Object does not appear to be sapient, but is able to vocalize a non-stop stream of threats and boasts. Voice confirmed to be that of the original Adolf Hitler. Object also noted to often clumsily fall over or bump into walls while goose-stepping about. Object is harmless, and mildly regenerative (the origami will refold if disrupted), and can be kicked by researchers as a form of stress management at their discretion.

    Note: Outside of the testing area, please. I should not need to specify that. - Dr. Veritas
  • SCP-914 manages to produce the one thing SCP-999 doesn't like:
    Input: 500mL sample of SCP-999
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A small, spherical blob of translucent, azure-colored slime roughly 12cm in diameter, with a strong garlic-like odor. Found to be mobile and sentient, and capable of making gurgling, chirping vocalizations similar to SCP-999 but at a much deeper pitch. The entity, designated "E-999-A", was immediately hostile to all staff, attempting to either leap upon researchers' faces or "headbutt" their shins via rolling across the floor at high speed, though its small size and mass prevented it from doing more than mild bruising.
    E-999-A was eventually contained and presented to SCP-999, with the assumption that this was its "offspring", and that SCP-999 could teach it to become more docile. SCP-999 instead reacted with immediate hostility, attacking E-999-A with its pseudopods while E-999-A rolled around SCP-999, emitting loud "growling" and "snarling" noises while dodging. SCP-999 finally eliminated E-999-A roughly two minutes later via engulfing it with two pseudopods, rapidly dissolving E-999-A inside its body similar to how SCP-999 digests its meals.
    No change in SCP-999's color or demeanor following the incident has been noted, however, it is the first and thus far only time that SCP-999 has ever reacted to anything with hostility or violence. Further research involving SCP-999's slime is temporarily suspended save for researchers with at least Level 3 clearance, and any experiments involving SCP-999 and SCP-914 are completely prohibited. Mentioning E-999-A to SCP-999 results in it immediately "ignoring" whoever speaks to it, often by wandering off to play with a nearby object or person.
    Note: Prof. Snider is currently facing disciplinary action due to violation of biological safety protocol. The next one I catch is losing their clearance indefinitely. - Dr. Veritas.

    Experiment Logs 0200- 0299 
  • Testing lightbulbs eventually leads to this:
    Input: One incandescent light bulb.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One anthropomorphic humanoid light bulb. Object vocalized to staff in English with a slight German accent. Claimed to be Thomas Edison who is (erroneously) credited with inventing the first light bulb.

    "This thing will not stop talking about its "grand scientific achievements" to everyone it meets. Request to gain as much information as possible about its existence and smash it with a sledgehammer?" - Researcher Blais
    "Just incinerate it, Blais." - Dr. Veritas
  • Transmuting old keys eventually leads to a surprise. And by "a surprise", we mean "ready-made identity fraud".
    Input: The former access key to the janitors' closet
    Setting: Very fine
    Output: One metal credit card, VISA #4███████████████8, belonging to JP. B████ the CEO of Amazon.
    Note: I guess money can buy you access. - Kurt
    Note: You're not keeping that. - Chief Security Officer Wright
  • Even on the lower settings, putting sunglasses through SCP-914 has weird results:
    Name: Researcher Blais
    Date: 05/05/2018
    Total Items: Two pairs of standard UV protection sunglasses.

    Input: One pair of sunglasses.
    Setting: Rough.
    Output: One tinted pane of glass Dimensions 50x50x3 mm. When pointed at a light and looked through, the pane generates extreme hallucinations from the light source. Such hallucinations have included "dragons and smoke monsters" to "birds with blue flaming wings and horns like a goat". Hallucinations vary from subject to subject and seem to have no correlation to the viewer's mental state or personality. When the pane is turned away from the source, the hallucinations immediately cease and "reset" until turned back to the light.
    Note: Multiple D-class subjects have reported seeing a "Deer with enormous antlers and crazy floating orbs" when looking through the pane of glass. Investigation into a possible connection to SCP-2845 is underway.

    Input: One pair of sunglasses.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One pair of aviator style sunglasses with mirrored lenses. Memetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses. Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most “extremely stylish” and “hip” they have ever seen. Further testing is in order.
    Note: Definitely the most sexy pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen in my life. I have to keep them if I’m ever going to get a date. - Researcher Blais
    Note: Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain. I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you. - Dr. Veritas
  • Experimenting with tabletop games eventually takes a turn into VR disaster:
    Input: 1 character sheet for the tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, 3.5th Edition, filled out by Researcher Thompson.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A sheet of paper promoting the non-existent tabletop roleplaying game Fear in the Foundation, 1st Edition. The paper repeatedly makes claims about the fun factor of the game but gives little information as to its actual content. Upon reading the entirety of the paper, subjects undergo an out-of-body experience in which they perceive themselves to exist in the game world. Based on subject’s reports, elements of the game are taken from several different tabletop roleplaying games. The game is also noted to contain several Foundation and SCP-related characters, items, and locations. Subjects will exit this state upon either dying in the game, or defeating the final villain.

    Note: "I gave this a try, and ended up seeing SCP-096's face after rolling a 1 on stealth. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, I've blown my brains out." -Researcher Jacobson
    Note: "Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to 'Fear in the Foundation' now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards." —O5-6
  • More fun with Mundane Utility:
    Name: Dr. Hazard
    Date: 23/05/2018
    Total Items: One AP Calculus textbook

    Input: One AP Calculus textbook
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Large shreds of paper and plastic in a pile

    Note: What? Don’t look at me like that, school’s over. - Dr. Hazard
    Note: Hazard, if I catch you using 914 as your personal paper shredder again, I'm reassigning you to Site-██. Yes, the one on Antarctica. - Dr. Veritas
  • SCP-914 does not want to make any contact with SCP-882.
    Name: Dr. Stern
    Date: 08/06/2018
    Total Items: Four A4 printed photographs of SCP-882

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: One 200x148mm piece of paper in the shape of a zero or letter O. One similarly sized piece of paper in the shape of a capital letter N or Z. Several hundred 5-10mm triangular scraps of paper. One small puddle of brownish ink.

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One A4 sheet of paper, printed with the word "NO" in 83 different languages, taking up approximately one-half of the page. The rest of the page was occupied by angular pictograms arranged seemingly at random, which were reported as producing "a feeling of trepidation and discomfort". Subsequent investigation revealed these symbols to be a minor cognitohazard, and the sheet of paper was put into containment.

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One inked origami model of a human in a kneeling position, hands raised to its head. When picked up, the model abruptly unfolded, giving Dr. Stern a shallow cut across the tips of three fingers and the thumb. The unfolded model resembled a human body torn into four pieces.

    Input: One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Although planned, this test was cancelled on request from Dr. Stern.
  • An ill-advised test causes Dr. Veritas' blood pressure to spike.
    Name: Researcher Jed
    Date: 30/06/2018
    Total Items: One gear from SCP-914

    Input: One gear from SCP-914
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Failed to operate. Gear destroyed. A replica was made and is currently being installed.
    Note: A vote by the O5 suspended Researcher Jed from testing for one year. SCP repaired as of 07/05/2018.

    Note: He did what?! - Dr. Veritas
    Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure, I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you. - Dr. Gears.
    • The stupidity continues immediately.
    Name: Researcher Wood.
    Date: 07/05/2018
    Total Items: One vial of corrosive slime recovered from SCP-106's containment chamber.

    Input: One aforementioned vial.
    Setting: Very Fine.
    Output: Before the refining process could begin, the test was interrupted by security personnel and Researcher Wood was restrained. The vial of SCP-106's slime was disposed of.

    Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion, but for Christ's sake, use common sense. I swear, when I find Wood I'm going to [REDACTED]. Dr. Smith.
    Note: Due to his failure to follow basic guidelines, as well as to preserve his own safety, Researcher Wood has been transferred off-site.
  • SCP-914 is not a beautician. Or, at least, it shouldn't be one.note 
    Name: Junior Researcher Summers
    Date: 23/07/2018
    Total Items: Junior Researcher Summers

    Input: Junior Researcher Summers
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Junior Researcher Summers, with noticeably clearer skin, longer hair and a better figure. She was very disoriented, but otherwise unharmed. Junior Researcher Summers was apprehended upon output.

    Note: She told us she just wanted to try with her hair clip. By the time we realized what she was actually doing, it was too late to stop her. Needless to say, she's since been terminated, and I hope I don't need to tell you all to not do it again. - Dr. Veritasnote 
  • Dr. Veritas tests the replacement gear by processing some thermometers. The final test is… interesting.
    Input: One digital thermometer.
    Setting: Very fine.
    Output: An intricate instrument with several digital dials that change when exposed to different temperatures and directions. One of the dials seemingly moves without purpose. The symbols do not correspond to any known mathematical object to count or measure.

    Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of Mercury. Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers. Hilarious. After four years of working with the damned thing, it's still taunting me. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find. - Veritas.
    Note: After some concerns raised, we should mention that Dr. Veritas is not authorised to feed his colleagues to anomalous objects. We do, however, approve of his… request to refrain from using parts of SCP-914 in testing. - Site Director Hackett.
  • Dr. Anton's testing with Rubik's Cubes goes horribly wrong:
    Input: One Rubik’s cube.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A “hypercube” space anomaly. When Dr. Anton tried to rotate it, the cube sucked his hand into the rift, breaking several of his hand's bones.
    Note: Firstly, ow. Second, I am not surprised at this result, a hypercube. Third, does anyone know how to solve it? - Dr. Anton
    Note: Anton, we try to solve spacetime anomalies after we get out of the hospital wing. - Veritas
  • Dr. Xerial attempted to see what 914 would do with various pictures of SCP objects. The final test:
    Input: One (1) picture of SCP-173.
    Setting: 1:1
    Note 2: Xerial's remains (what was left) have been disposed of. Someone write up the cause of death as "natural selection". - Dr. Veritas
  • Using thaumatology on SCP-914 backfires immensely.
    Name: Dr. Devant. Thaumatology researcher.
    I hope to find answers where Dr. Mason only found SCP-914 messing with him. - Dr. Devant
    Date: 03/10/2018
    Total Items: 5 Thaumatologically crafted letters (acting as tracking beacons) in envelopes that will remotely write the path taken on an associated paper sheet outside of SCP-914. These letters are also sealed closed with special trigger symbols in sealing wax that, when traversing boundaries of realities or alternate universes, will trigger the associated wax candles outside of SCP-914 to light themselves.

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Rough
    Output: A small pile of cinnabar, a tiny beeswax honeycomb structure, scraps of paper, and a small pile of glitter (presumed to be the thaumatological writing from the letter).
    Notes: The candle did not light, an outline of a human face was drawn on the paper sheet.
    Yes! We're getting somewhere. No way this drawing could form the Foundation logo. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: 1 unfolded envelope (no visible markings), one letter with SCP-3669-2 notation in glittery black ink. One unbroken wax seal with the stylized initials C.F. stamped on it.
    Notes: The candle did not light, the paper showed a zig-zagging pattern being drawn across it.
    The arrows on the letter do not match the chaotic movement on the paper. I'll have the letter analysed by another department. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A punch card labeled "FORTRAN STATEMENT" wherein 688 of the 800 positions were punched. Each of the punched holes had a shape of thaumatological significance. The surface of the card feels "waxy" and has a slight glitter-like glint to it. The nature of the program on the card is being analysed by the anomalous computing dept.
    Notes: The candle produced a small puff of smoke, but did not light. On the sheet of paper, a pair of human eyes were drawn.
    While the results of the candle were inconclusive, SCP-914 seems to be drawing a human face.
    I'm beginning to believe that my plan has already failed. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 origami helicopter (modeled after a Bell UH-1 Iroquois), the windows are painted on with glittery black ink, the engine compartment is made of red sealing wax. After manually winding the blades the helicopter can fly a short distance in a random direction.
    Notes: The candle produced a small spark and puff of smoke. A pair of human ears, a human nose, & voluptuous lips were drawn on the paper.
    I'm not quite sure what the candle is signaling here, it should just light itself when the seal traverses to another reality, this effect needs further investigation. The face drawn on the tracking papers is too crude to do any facial recognition on, let's see if the Very Fine setting helps. - Dr. Devant

    Input: 1 tracking envelope.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: 1 wax sealed envelope, addressed to the high school nickname of Dr. Devant, the seal was stamped with a heart symbol. Inside the envelope was a letter of rejection to Dr. Devant, written in black glittery ink. This letter is currently being investigated for cognitohazardous effects.
    Notes: The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid, it produced a sketch of ████████ ████████████ (now deceased), a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant. Dr. Devant has been placed in the psych ward after excessive sobbing and showing of suicidal tendencies.
    This one's odd to me. All my experiments so far have conformed to the belief that SCP-914 works via associations of the operator. Unless the good Doctor can tell me otherwise, that doesn't seem to be the case here. I would suggest against using thaumaturgy on 914, it's already weird enough as is. -Researcher K. Midaeus
  • An attempt to improve a tracking device gets taken too far.
    Name: Researcher Daniel
    Date: 18/11/2018
    Total Items: One Standard Foundation Tracking Device, Six (6) AA Batteries
    Note: Before the test, subject D-4936 was given these devices, which were receiving signals from tracking devices near SCPs. The intention for this test is to try and create an SCP tracker.

    Input: One Standard Foundation Tracking Device
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Improved Tracking Device. When loaded with batteries and pointed at an SCP, it will emit a beeping noise that will speed up with proximity. The batteries go flat after five minutes of operation.
    It actually worked, albeit for short periods. Attempting to improve. -Researcher Daniel

    Input: One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Improved Tracking Device. Battery life increased to thirty minutes.
    Still too short. Let's try one more time. I don't understand why so many people are complaining about 914. -Researcher Daniel

    Input: One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Improved Tracking Device. Upon the Output booth opening, it attached itself to the booth wall and made a loud blaring noise. The object was unable to be removed from the wall of the booth. Attempts to destroy the object without causing damage to SCP-914 resulted in failures. Despite not being able to remove it, the tracker could be slid along the walls. The object was then slid out of the Output booth, across SCP-914 and into the Intake booth.

    Input: One Improved Tracking Device
    Operator: D-4936
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Burnt pile of metal and plastic
    Finally shut that thing up! -Researcher Daniel
    Note: Researcher Daniel was reprimanded for his carelessness and admitted to the medbay for an aspirin. -Senior Researcher Brad
    Note: Why am I surrounded by complete imbeciles? - Veritas
  • An attempt to give 914 a tune-up ends in an unexpected fashion:
    Name: Maintenance Technician Johnson
    Date: 18/11/2018
    Total Items: Five gallons industrial strength degreaser, One gallon industrial strength rust remover, One gallon industrial engine lubricant, One handwritten note reading “Use these supplies to give yourself a tune-up”
    Note: Let’s see if I can give 914 a tune-up. Who knows how long it’s been since it last had one?

    Input: All of the above
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A foul-smelling mixture of the aforementioned degreaser and lubricant. Analysis reveals substantial amounts of rust, ash, and soot. The note is unreadable due to being completely blackened. One small metal and a plastic statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing. Moved to secure containment.

    Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. Great. - Maintenance Technician Johnson
    Note: The cleanup took 2 bloody hours. Remind me to take the clearance of the next technician that tries this without conferring with a senior researcher first. - Veritas
  • Dr. Day and his amazing technicolor pens:
    Name: Dr. Day
    Date: 30-11-18
    Total Items: 4 broken pens.
    Note: I'm getting pissed off at all my pens breaking. -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A mechanical pencil with what appeared to be a plastic cartridge. melted into ink when Dr. Day tried to retrieve it.
    Note: God dammit, [Data Smudged] hands [Data Smudged] with ink -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A pen that is always activated. Changes to a new color every time the button is pressed.
    Welp, the pen I was using to write this report broke. Hopefully 914 made this one indestructible as well. -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An ornate fountain pen. The ink is imbued in the outer case. Ink cartridge is empty.
    Note: Great job, great freaking job, 914. -Day

    Input: 1 broken pen
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A pen that will write down everything that is said in the general vicinity, of about 3 meters.

    Note: This is great! Now I don't have to write! Hey, Dayman, you can't use that, we don't know what properties it has.
    But all my pens are broken!
    I will see if we can get you some more pens, Dayman.
    Can't I use it to finish writing this report first? And don't call me Dayman. Wait, did it just record everything we said? Yes, apparent- -Pen
  • Dr. Einen is a nerd:
    Name: Dr. Einen
    Date: 01/05/2018
    Total Items: One container filled with 20mg of tears. One clay doll resembling a wide-eyed child.

    Input: Both previously mentioned items
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Object has the appearance of the original doll, but with the capability to move around. When agitated, it appears to be able to shoot out 'tears' from its supposed eyes. Object neutralized after being exposed to a small wooden replica of a cross.

    I just wanted to know what would happen, the game is damn fun. - Dr. Einen
    Again, please try not to create anything that might become living. I’m not saying that you were intentionally trying to create █████, but really? -Dr. Nome

    Experiment Logs 0300- 0399 
  • Fun with personnel files.
    Name: Dr. Anton
    Date: 10/12/18
    Total Items: Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A bingo card, containing several marks on it, including a "bingo" configuration. Several iron balls, engraved with numbers, some of which correspond with the marks on the card.

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Documentation for SCP-914, level 3 clearance. Test logs not included.
    Note: …No comment. - Dr. Anton
    Note: To whoever gave Anton my personnel file: Pray that I don't find out who you are. - Veritas.

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: no change The document has significant changes, and a memetic effect where talking about them changes the color of text. Main changes include [DATA EXPUNGED]. Cube has a purple tinge.

    Input: Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An iron gear, and an apology note. Upon reading, Dr. Anton burst into tears and had to be removed by security personnel.
  • A test with various measuring devices leads to a Brick Joke.
    Input: One wristwatch, one thermometer
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One wristwatch without markings. The hour hand appears immobile at first. Further testing indicates that it moves albeit extremely slowly; it completes one full round every 1407.5 hours.
    That's the sidereal rotational period of Mercury. Son of a…

  • The restrictions on biological testing are in place for a reason.
    Name: Junior Researcher Murray
    Date: 22/09/19
    Total Items: Five 8GB SanDisk 8GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single FAT32 partition with the file monika.chr from the 2017 parody horror visual novel "Doki Doki Literature Club!", developed by Team Salvato.

    Input: One memory stick
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Melted heap of silicone, metal and plastic, equal to mass, volume and weight of input product. Data likely lost.

    Input: One memory stick
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Memory stick disassembled into its separate components. FAT32 partition has been corrupted.

    Input: One memory stick
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One Kingston DataTraveler G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single ExFAT partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites, and a compilation of fan art of the character "Sans" from "Undertale", a game created by Toby Fox in 2015.

    Input: One memory stick
    Note 2: Upon closer inspection of security camera footage, it appears that Junior Researcher Murray had also placed a large bucket's worth of stolen human tissue (from the medical department) into the input chamber.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: [DATA EXPUNGED], promptly terminated after breaching the walls of SCP-914's containment. Junior Researcher Murray, showing an almost memetic attraction to the entity, was also terminated after trying to shield said entity from the bullets of the guards' assault rifles.
    Note 3: Alright, who else wants to create a fucking sentient reality bender waifu with SCP-914? For those that fail, your prize will be Class E amnestics. - Senior Researcher ██████
    Name: Junior Researcher Altdamm
    Date: 04/01/19
    Total Items: Two 4GB SanDisk 4GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single NTFS partition of the .apk file of the 2.0223_274 version of Girls' Frontline; one X-Sponge; one 1:10 model of the Girls Frontline character Grizzly MkV

    Input: One USB and one X-Sponge
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One X-Sponge which automatically redacts all information not related to the game Girls Frontline in any form. ███████ ███████ ████ ██ ████████ ███████████ ██████████ ██ ███ ████ ██ ███████ ███████ ██.
    Note: ██████ ██, ████ ███ ████ ██ ████ ████████ ██ ████? -Altdamm

    Input: One USB and one model of Grizzly MkV
    Reviewing security footage has shown that Junior Researcher Altdamm inserted a box full of human tissue stolen from a deceased D-class personnel in the Medical Department, including said personnel's clothing.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: An entity resembling the Girls Frontline character Grizzly MkV, as well as a fully loaded Kel-Tec PMR-30 automatic pistol. Initially disoriented, the entity grabbed the pistol and shot Junior Researcher Altdamm six times in his abdomen and chest, before surrendering itself to Foundation authorities. Junior Researcher Altdamm himself died of blood loss.
    Note: Again? Seriously? The next person caught attempting to create a reality bender waifu with 914 will be rewarded with a bullet in the head. -Senior Researcher ██████
    Addendum: When cleaning up 914, a clock was found at the output booth. The hour hand always points at Dr. Veritas, the minute hand always points at Dr. Cleveland, and the second hand always points at Maintenance Technician Johnson. The clock would also constantly rotate such that the "V" marking always points towards the entity resembling Grizzly MkV. Security footage has shown that the entity used 914 at the "Very Fine" setting in an attempt to alter the automatic pistol.
  • SCP-914 seems to carry a torch for Johnson:
    Name: Maintenance Technician Johnson
    Date: 30/01/2019
    Total Items: 3 abridged copies of MT Johnson's personnel file, which have been scrubbed of all sensitive information
    Note: Since 914 partially operates by intent of the operator, let's see what happens when I create some feedback by putting in information about myself.

    Input: 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A copy of the mission statement of the Department of Maintenance, an obscure department which is responsible for the upkeep of SCP containment enclosures.
    Note: If no one's heard of us, then that means we're doing our jobs correctly. - MT Johnson

    Input: 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One large origami wrench embossed with the words "Secure, Maintain, Protect"
    Note: About what I expected, but that's not the Foundation's actual slogan. Perhaps it's my perception of it? - MT Johnson

    Input: 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: The file now contains several pages of the word "maintain" handwritten over and over in printer ink. Writing confirmed as identical to that of MT Johnson. Writing starts out normally but gets rougher and rougher as it progresses, as well as containing an increasing number of capital letters. By the end, it is barely legible as well as being entirely capitalized. The folder has what appears to be an emblem made up of a pair of crossed wrenches pressed into its front and back as well.
    Note: This feels like it's from the typewriter scene from The Shining. I'm just going to leave this in secure storage and try to forget that this ever happened. - MT Johnson
  • A test with a shovel has a very strange ending:
    Input: One standard-issue military entrenching tool, as produced by SCP-914.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: An anomalous military entrenching tool that, when held, prompts the subject to attempt to exchange it for cheap goods and services, regardless of whether the recipient is willing to accept it.
    Note: The remainder of the test postponed while I go see if anyone wants a duplicated shovel. - Dr. Hadian
    Note: Dr. Hadian has been sent to the antimemetics department for treatment by Dr. Veritas, or to use his words: "No, I don't want a [REDACTED] spade." - Security Officer Schwartz
  • A test with amnestics goes bad quickly.
    Name: Dr. Range — Medical Department
    Date: 05/02/2019
    Total Items: 1 Class-B amnestic, small tablet.
    Note: Attempting to see if 914 can create more powerful amnestics. A low level one was used for obvious reasons.

    Input: Class-B amnestic tablet
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Visually unchanged tablet. Anyone within a five meter radius of this tablet appears to suffer from short-term memory loss, which is removed once outside the range.
    Note: Took a while, but eventually tablet was incinerated. Every time someone tried to move it, they'd take two steps, forget why they had it, and set it down. -Dr. Range

    Experiment Logs 0400- 0499 
  • Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird s*** is not appreciated.
    Input: One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One paper with a big "NO" written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source
    Note: …No. Nope. I've had it. I'm done. No more. I quit! Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here! - Archivist Morgan
    Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is a mental breakdown in progress in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesticize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "I quit" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen
    Note: I've seen 914 archivists melt down before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen
  • Researcher Calloway hasn't gotten the memo that testing with amnestics is a bad idea.
    Input: 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.
    Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS Translation  -Researcher Calloway
    Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect to allow him to ponder the question: Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea? No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.
    • The very next test makes the same mistake:
    Name: Dr. Tsubasa
    Date: 21/02/2019
    Total Items: One vial of Y-909.

    Input: See above.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.

    Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa
    Note: .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS Translation  -Sr. Researcher Calloway
  • An attempt to defictionalize Bonk! Atomic Punch goes exactly how you'd expect.
    Name: Dr. Artium
    Date: 20/02/2019
    Total Items: One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix
    With multiple video game-related tests conducted with 914, I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium

    Input: All of the above items
    Setting: very fine
    Output: One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game Atomic Punch. After a single sip, D-41241-WA immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed. On conduction of an autopsy, medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.
    Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar conformed to reality, so instead of making a person able to move impossible speeds, their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.
    Why are you letting UNRESTRAINED D-Class test this in the first place? They could escape if the effect had been to speed them up rather than blow their hearts with sugar! - Researcher Al Catraz
  • This may be 914's Greatest Take That! yet:
    Name: Dr. Viridine
    Date: 03/09/2019
    Total Items: One Blu-ray copy of the full series of Twilight, one printed copy of the "My Immortal" fanfiction

    Input: Blu-ray disk containing all Twilight movies.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A blu-ray disk containing the entire Underworld series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "NO" was found in the place of a printed digital download code.
    Note: Me too, 914. Me too. -Dr. Viridine

    Input: Printed copy of "My Immortal" fanfiction.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A hardcover copy of a book titled simply "HOW TO WRITE". Pages completely blank. Experimentation revealed that if a reader viewed each page within the book, they were suddenly compelled to write. Several D-Class subjects were instructed to read the book, and each produced within several hours a full draft of a fictional story with an incredibly detailed plot. Permission of further research on book and possible classification as an anomaly of its own requested.
    Note: I think even 914 is disgusted by that fic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a completed manuscript to email to my publisher. -Dr. Viridine
  • Test 472 is gut-busting, but sadly cannot be transcribed here because of the unbelievably chaotic formatting. Long story short, computer viruses and incompetence were involved.
    Thanks for the extra work, buddy. -Rosen
  • 914 has unique taste in knock-knock jokes. note  In summary: "Knock knock. Who's there? Peak hatch. Peak hatch who?" note 
    The note card is now folded into the shape of a rodent-like creature, confirmed to be the mascot of the Pokémon franchise. Upon the creature's name being uttered, the sound of 2 snare drums and a cymbal were heard from an unknown location.

    Experiment Logs 0500- 0599 
  • SCP-914 appears to have a lot of respect for Bob Ross:
    Name: Researcher Lombardi
    Date: 06/04/2019
    Total Items: One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.
    Note: 914 has been encouraged to do creative acts before - let's see if adding instruction helps. - Lombardi

    Input: One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: As above. The paints have been mixed to more closely match the colors commonly used by Bob Ross. The contents of the VHS has been altered to contain different episodes of 'The Joy of Painting' - all of which have been verified identical to existing broadcast episodes.
    Note: 914 has locked onto the theme at least. Now we will test if upping the setting results in a painting of the given style. - Lombardi

    Input: Output of previous test
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A VHS case formed out of the canvas, easel, and plastics of the paint containers. Case has a grayish brown color, created by mixing all of the paints together. VHS now contains episodes of 'The Joy of Multidimensional Manipulation'. Each episode depicts Bob Ross operating 914 to produce fantastical and anomalous creations.
    Ross demonstrates a great deal of skill and familiarity with the device, explaining why he places a given item into 914, along with other factors that influence its output. These include specific thoughts or visualizations in his mind, temperature and humidity levels of his studio, and amount of light shining upon 914. These explanations do not provide insight into 914's operation, as they are offered as a means to an end. Example: "I've turned it up to the 'fine' setting now. I want super-cooled fiber optic sheets, so while I turn this key I of course need to think about my grandparents driving along a busy highway discussing their taxes."
    Each episode follows a similar format:
    * Bob Ross declares what sort of creation he will be making during the show.
    * He wheels out a series of bins containing common household objects.
    * He begins refining them on various settings - frequently switching between 'very fine' and 'coarse' to create some advanced piece of work and then break it down safely into component parts.
    * Frequently he will manually combine or alter items outside of the device, usually to cause some sort of expected chemical change.
    * In cases where an output is hazardous, he has appropriate safety gear on site both for himself and for viewers. This can take the form of censoring of video or muting of audio if output contains a memetic hazard.
    * Has a similar arc to most 'Joy of Painting' episodes in that the creations seem to progress steadily towards the desired output, regress considerably halfway through the process, only to come together perfectly at the end.
    The tape contains the following episodes:
    * 'A crystalline trumpet that emits music notes of pure energy'
    * 'Anti-gravity rollerskates'
    * 'Edible stars'
    * 'A rainbow that can be molded like clay.'
    Note: Of course Bob Ross makes it look easy. - Lombardi
  • SCP-914 doesn't seem to know what to make of SCP-682... or maybe it knows exactly what to make of it:
    Name: Doctor Sheath
    Date: 09/04/2019
    Total items: Five incomplete test logs, with the input as "SCP-682."
    Note: Don't lie, we’re all curious what would happen. Hopefully 914 can fill in the gaps for us. -Dr. Sheath

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Rough."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log, with input "Rough" and setting "SCP-682."
    Note: No, not quite, 914. Try again.

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Coarse."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "course." Included at the bottom is a childlike doodle of SCP-682 in a racecar driving along a race course.
    Note: I'm not sure it understands what I'm going for.

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "1:1."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-1" and setting "682:682."

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Fine."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One incomplete test log for Experiment Log T-98816-OC 108/682, detailing an attempt to kill SCP-682 by throwing SCP-914 at it.

    Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682” and setting “Very Fine."
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One piece of paper, with a cognitohazardous symbol on it. Those who look at it fall into a dreamlike state where they imagine a titanic SCP-682 ruling over something. No two dreams have been the same thus far.
    Note: The paper has been incinerated at the request of many. All I saw was 682 burning down the entire planet. Apparently I got lucky. Some researchers witnessed it eating a galaxy, others saw it killing individual family members, and at least two saw it try to seduce them.
  • An attempt at making a request is interpreted as Reverse Psychology:
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 10/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 note reading "Don't expose me to a cognitohazard please."

    Input: Above
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Cognitohazardous symbols that when viewed, cause extreme cravings of Mexican food.
    Note: God [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] 914, you had one job! - Dr. Matism
    Note: Who the hell put that thing in the cafeteria during pizza Wednesday? Everyone starved themselves! - Researcher Danok
    Note: I just folded the pizza into a taco and put toppings on it. -Intern Lunar
    Note: Can we hire Lunar? His ingenuity is baffling. - Dr. Matism
    Note: Let him send his resume to my office. I have a feeling a position is going to open up if you keep up the level of professionalism that you currently have. -Veritas
  • Should have seen this one coming.
    Name: Dr. V█████
    Date: 11/04/2019
    Total items: One toolbox containing one each of the following: A flathead screwdriver, a Phillips screwdriver, a claw hammer, a ballpeen hammer, a 16' measuring tape, a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, vice grips, a crescent wrench adjustable to up to 2-1/2", a set of metric Allen wrenches, and a set of standard Allen wrenches.
    Note: If all goes well with this test, this will create the perfect multi-tool, suitable for any task. Then I…er, the Foundation, rather, can reverse-engineer it and market it for millions! -Dr. V█████

    Input: The toolbox.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A large, multi-limbed arthropodal creature made of plastic and metal. Its abdomen and head resembled the toolbox. At the end of each limb was the end of one of the tools. Immediately upon the "Output" booth opening, the creature attacked Dr. V█████ and smashed his head in with its hammer-appendages, killing him instantly. Security personnel moved in and destroyed the creature.
    Note: "If all goes well with this test?" He seriously said that? Since when has that ever happened with anything involving 914, especially on the Very Fine setting? I've only been here a few weeks and even I know better than that. -Prof. Wren
    Note: If he was trying to do this for profit, you could say he was being a tool. Also, yeah, don't think Very Fine is going to do what you want. -Intern Lunar
    Note: Why is the body count in my testing area on par with bloody 682's termination record? Am I not strict enough in security measures or are half of my research staff just drooling imbeciles?! - Veritas
  • Mixing soda and hot sauce in SCP-914 proves to be a bad idea:
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 11/04/2019
    Items: Three 12-oz. bottles of homemade soda, 1 8-oz. container of fruit salad, 1 bag of Earl Grey tea, 1 packet of hot sauce.
    Notes: As disgusting as I'm sure that Passion Fruit-Ranch stuff 914 made a can for the other night, it did give me a couple of ideas. If these pan out, we might be able to market them on a front company for increased revenue. Or at least serve them in the break room. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 container of fruit salad.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One 20-oz bottle of carbonated beverage. The label shows a variety of fruit made entirely out of bubbles.
    Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. As expected, it's soda with a mixed variety of fruit flavors, most prominently apple, grape, and strawberry. Marketability level: 8.5/10. -Prof. Wren

    Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 tea bag.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One 12-oz bottle of brown liquid, warm to the touch, and 2 small cubes later identified as pure cane sugar. The label shows the Union Jack made entirely of bubbles.
    Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. Basically, it made carbonated tea and stripped the sugar I used to make the stuff out entirely. Yuck. Marketability level: 1.0/10. -Prof Wren

    Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 packet of hot sauce.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One 12-oz bottle of fizzy red liquid, shaking violently. Security footage showed the label to have nuclear hazard symbols around the edges with the word "CAUTION!!" repeated over and over in between. Bottle exploded shortly after the "output" booth opened, spraying the booth with liquid and glass shards while lodging the cap in the ceiling. No indication of NBR hazards were found; explosion thought to be caused by the liquid being superheated. Cleanup crews cleaned the "output" booth of soda spray and shattered glass without incident.
    Note: I thought this one might be a bad idea going in, but I didn't think it'd be THAT bad. Marketability level: -∞/10. -Prof. Wren
  • Fun with music:
    Name: Prof. Wren, accompanied by D-4884
    Date: 13/04/2019
    Total Items: One CD ("Queen: Greatest Hits")
    Note: Sacrilegious, I know, but C Ds are on their way out anyway, and this copy's scratched badly enough that "Bicycle Race" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" don't even play, so what good is it really? As for the D-Class… I plan on using Very Fine today, so I'm taking precautions. -Prof. Wren

    Input: The "Queen: Greatest Hits" CD
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A new CD, "Muhammad Ali's Greatest Hits," showing a green silhouette of the legendary boxer against a yellow background on the cover art. No tracklist supplied.
    Note: D-4884 was supplied with headphones and a CD player, and instructed to listen to the album. D-4884 described it as an announcer detailing a match between Ali and George Foreman, shortly after which his body jerked violently as if struck by a hard punch. This continued for nearly █ minutes before D-4884 was terminated by a violent twist of the head focused at the jaw, breaking his neck. Analysis of the placement and timing of the perceived blows coincided with footage of the "Rumble in the Jungle" match between the two aforementioned boxers in 1974. The album is being transferred to anomalous object storage.
    Note: "Greatest Hits" indeed. Ouch. Stuff like this is why we should tread cautiously with the Very Fine setting, guys. -Prof. Wren
  • Using rope in 914 leads to having a bad time:
    Name: Dr. Matism
    Date: 15/04/2019
    Items: One 8 meter strand of hempen rope.
    Note: I'm going for an unbreakable rope

    Input: The 8 meters of rope
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A hempen ambush noose. When approached by a human, it lunges at them in an attempt to wrap itself around its neck and strangle them.
    Note: Dr. Matism has been hospitalized due to a ruptured airpipe. Object incinerated by orders of Facility Manager ███████.
    Note: It's official, this skip doesn't like me - Dr. Matism
    Note: Your power of deduction is shocking. - Veritas
    • It continues on the very next test:
    Name: Prof. Wren
    Date: 15/04/2019
    Total Items: One 8-meter strand of hempen rope, one katana.
    Note: I'm testing Dr. Matism's hypothesis on his relationship with 914 while simultaneously seeing if using the same inputs with the same settings can yield different results. Textbook definition of insanity, I know, but what isn't with this thing? -Prof. Wren

    Input: The rope.
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A hempen chihuahua. The dog lunged at, and bit down on, Prof. Wren's ankle upon approach; it fell to the floor and went inert upon being slashed to pieces. Further testing revealed the rope no longer contained any anomalous properties. Rope incinerated as a precautionary measure.
    Note: And that's what the katana was for. Not sure how this bodes with Dr. Matism's hypothesis, though. I mean, this wouldn't be the first time 914's attacked me (see footage of IKEA experiment for details… and laughs), but it could just be that 914 saw the same stuff as before and responded as if it were the same tester? Maybe 914 just doesn't like hemp? Either way, don't think I'm gonna be doing a three-peat of that experiment. -Prof. Wren
    I [EXPLETIVE] hate chihuahuas. Soulless bastards - Dr. Matism
    Note: If he can bring a Katana to work, can I bring weapons to defend myself? - Researcher Darby
    Note: You're a walking disaster as it is, Darby. Wren didn't get his PhD slashing everything resembling danger up. You should be glad that Hackett took pity on you and you're not in Antarctica right now. - Veritas
    Note: Perks of being on good terms with security, Darby, even if I did have to file some paperwork to get clearance for it…and agree to let them keep the [[BFG H2O-9000]]. They'll probably get better use out of it anyway, especially for fire control situations. EDIT: By the way… "He?" "His?" I would have thought the C-cups were a giveaway. Ah well. -Prof. Wren
    Note: Umm, Now that explains a lot - Researcher Darby
  • Well, it is an apt comparison…
    Name: Researcher Z. Larua
    Date: 16/04/2019
    Total Items: Ice skates
    I honestly really want to see if I can get another one of those perpetual motion rods. -Larua

    Input: One pair of ice skates
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: A single rod of metal, about 1 meter in length and 0.5 meters in diameter. When a D-Class was sent in to retrieve the rod, a blast of steam shot out from all openings on their uniform the moment they touched the rod. Once the steam dissipated, all was that was left was a completely dehydrated corpse. It is assumed that D-Class expired instantly upon touching the rod. Hazard personnel were called to retrieve the rod. Upon examination, the metal was revealed to be pure potassium with anomalous properties. Any water that touches the metal, the water will instantly vaporize instead of the potassium reacting. Should any biological entity touch the rod, all water within them will instantly vaporize without causing any physical damage to the body.
    Note: That went horribly…for that D-Class. This rod, however, will give me yet more interesting research to perform. I'm just happy that 914 didn't output some kind of other anomalous alkali metal that would've literally exploded in my face. I wonder how well this potassium rod would work against 682? -Larua
    Note: DON'T. From what I can tell, we don't want a contact-killing 682 from that. -Intern Lunar
    Note: Well, it already kills everything in its path - Dr. Matism
    Note: I just realized that 682 is the SCP version of Kirby - Junior Researcher Kenwol
    Note: A VERY ANGRY Kirby no less. -Intern Lunar

    Experiment Logs 0600- 0699 

    Experiment Logs 0700- 0799 

    Experiment Logs 0800- 0899 

    Experiment Logs 0900- 0999 

    Researcher Darby 
As previously stated, Researcher Isaac Darby has a lot of crazy mishaps with SCP-914; so many, in fact, that they need their own folder.
  • The best candidate for Darby's "Moron Event Horizon" is probably his "dihydrogen monoxide" test:
    Test 914-0433
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 20/02/2019
    Total Items: One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;
    This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can

    Input: One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet
    Setting: Fine
    Output: One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution
    The Framework has been set, now to see what it does to "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"

    The bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid.
    Input: One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide
    It did nothing? I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and dispose of it properly. - Researcher Darby

    Site-19 has been put into Quarantine until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staff's examination of the researcher.
    Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with… - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department
    Note: He actually drank from the ██████ bucket? I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when the idiot inevitably gets himself killed. - Dr. Veritas
  • Testing with data storage devices ends terribly for Darby:
    Test 914-0450
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 28/02/2019
    Total Items: One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, One Set of Handcuffs, One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive

    Input: One Calendar circa 2019
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: One Calendar circa 9102
    Well, now we know the day WW3 started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED]

    Input: Map of the world circa 2019
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Paper mache Nuclear mushroom
    That's worrying.

    Input: Voyager II disk copy
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Unchanged Unknown
    Staff have no memory of taking disk out of output booth, but it cannot be found and several researchers are reporting symptoms similar to amnesiac victims.

    Input: One 2 Terabyte hard drive
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Unchanged Hard Drive now acts as a matter containment device, device specifications (Storage: 500 Meters2) has been inscribed on packaging along with the Apple logo.
    Note: Researcher Darby was absorbed through contact upon picking up device with bare hands. At this time, Researcher Darby still has not been recovered, though several attempts have been made and tests are ongoing.
    Note: If he doesn't survive this time, let it be known that I called it. - Dr. Veritas
  • Researcher Darby plays Russian Roulette with 914:
    Test 914-0481
    Name: Researcher I. Darby
    Date: 22/03/2019
    Total Items: Can of Onion Powder
    Note: Researcher I. Darby is out of ICU on probation and feels well enough for a small test

    Input: Can of Onion Powder
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Tear Gas Grenade
    Note: Uhh, No one touch anything until I grab a gas mask

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Mustard Gas Grenade
    Note: That's not good, but I'm going to see how far this will go

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: CS Gas Grenade
    Note: That's better than the last output, but still dangerous

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Agent Orange Grenade
    Note: I'm going to go and grab a NBRC Haz-Mat suit

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Incendiary Grenade
    Note: At least it's not a Gas Grenade, going to run it one last time

    Input: Output From Previous
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: White Phosphorus Grenade (Ring Pulled)
    Note: EVERYBODY OUT NOW!!

    Incident Report: Researcher I. Darby was severely wounded by White Phosphorous in his attempt to force his Assistant Personnel and Security Escort out of the SCP-914 Containment Area. SCP-914 was not damaged, but its Containment Area requires cleaning and minor repair. Researcher I. Darby has been returned to the ICU and has been banned from using SCP-914 until he is fully healed. - Site Manager
    Note: Maybe SCP-914 is still on the Fritz after that panel got taken off - Jr. Researcher Norton
    Note: Every test this guy does is a spit in Darwin's face. It's a miracle that he survived this long, I have half a mind to have him classified as an anomalous object. Someone get me a bloody aspirin. - Veritas
  • Fun with quantum mechanics:
    Test 914-0540
    Name: Researcher Darby
    Date: 10/04/2019
    Total Items: 5 Papers on Quantum Theory, 5 small balls of steel, 4 beef Ramen bowls;
    Note: Who took that last bowl of beef ramen? Also, don't ask what the point of this is because I have no answer. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel;
    Setting: Rough
    Output: Shreds of Paper and Steel fragments;
    Note: Not surprised - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: Coarse
    Output: Paper, Steel, Plastic, and Ramen neatly separated along with a puddle of ink;
    Note: Again, standard coarse reaction to input. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: Paper on Planetary Physics, Steel Cube, Chicken Ramen bowl;
    Note: In my opinion 914, turning a perfectly good bowl of Beef Ramen to a bowl of Chicken Ramen is regression, not equivalent exchange. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Paper describing 7th Dimension travel, Steel bull, Cooked beef Ramen, Researcher Darby;
    Note: I'm looking at myself watching me write this note…. - Researcher Darby

    Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Animate Steel Beetle with Ramen and Plastic Legs and Paper Wings. Upon exiting output booth, it charged at Researcher Darby's control booth and forced him to enter the Input booth. Researcher Darby's Intern attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but was stopped by a burst of ink from the Beetle and the Quantum Darby holding him back. Once Researcher Darby was fully inside the Input booth, the Beetle initiated SCP-914 (on Very Fine) and managed to slip inside the input booth before it closed. When 914 finished refining, security personnel attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but instant examination of the Output booth showed that both Researcher Darby and the Beetle were gone.
    Note: It had to happen. Otherwise, we would be stuck in a paradox, and nothing gets done. I would also like my Researcher status restored, as I am Researcher Darby and not a Quantum Anomaly. - Quantum Darby
    Note: Darby, are you stealing my beef Ramen bowls through some sort of quantum shenanigans? Cause if you are, then I would appreciate if you would stop, as the Ramen is the food for my mug cat. Also, try asking Rosen if he can help you with the status problem. Also, where are you? -Intern Lunar.
    Note: Apparently I don't exist anymore, I'd tell you my location but I'm not even sure where that is - Researcher Darby
  • Darby and Calloway collaborate on a test. Disaster ensues.
    Test 914-0559
    Name: Researchers Calloway and Darby
    Date: 12/04/2019
    Total Items: 15 kilograms of steel, 15 capacitors, 2 hard drives, 2 notes with smiley faces
    Note {Darby}: I am missing a hard drive due to someone forgetting which way goes up in transit and breaking it. Also I have had my Researcher status restored on probation, they still don't believe I'm the same Darby that went into 914 and came out [REDACTED] years prior to that test.

    Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Darby.

    Input: 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 6 1-kilogram Steel cockroaches run by AA batteries (presumably what the capacitors transformed into), 1 control module with mini USB female port.
    Note {Darby}: I can plug this into my laptop, let's see what it does. Oooh, it controls the cockroaches. Apparently they locate nearby electronics and do something. Maybe R&D can use this or… maybe not, the cockroach just ate Calloway's laptop and is making a duplicate of itself from the mass it gained.
    Note {Calloway}: Just… keep those things away from me.

    Input: Note with smiley face
    Setting: Fine
    Output: Note; however, the smiley face has been replaced by a Soviet Hammer and Sickle. Viewing of note affects the viewer, causing them to believe they are Russian spies infiltrating the SCP Foundation. Researcher Darby was apprehended and administered anti-memetics after attempting to send Top Secret documentation about SCP-914, Site 19, Dr. Veritas, SCP-682, and others to the current Russian Spy Agency.
    Note {Darby}: Я НЕ КОММУНИСТ 914 ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТЕ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ! Теперь я не могу перестать говорить по-русски, и все это параноид от меня.
    Note: Someone keep him on amnestics for a while before he hurts himself, or more importantly, my equipment. -Veritas
    Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Calloway.

    Input: 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: A steel device, which acts as a sort of "human hard drive", allowing the downloading and uploading of memories and thoughts via a cerebral device. Upon use on D-Class Personnel, all memories were erased, excepting those relating to SCP-914.
    Note: Nice try, 914. -Researcher Calloway

    Input: 1 note, with a smiley face drawn on it.
    Setting: Fine
    Output: 1 note, with an anomalous symbol drawn on it. When viewed by a subject, all personnel viewing the subject will become convinced that it is SCP-096 for fifteen minutes.
    Note {Calloway}: The only reason I didn't get stuffed into a containment chamber faster than you can think is that we got a Class-D to get the test item. There were containment breach alarms going off everywhere, and we panicked, of course. Until it wore off, and we let the poor Class-D out of the containment chamber.

    Note: These tests were performed by both Researchers

    Input: 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, Note {Calloway's}
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Twisted mass of steel, copper, and paper in the shape of an Archaic rune. Study reveals that had the rune been on paper, it would have imparted a blind rage upon viewers, causing them to attempt to terminate any living being nearby.
    Note {Darby}: I did not expect 914 to fail that bad at killing us, Calloway, want to do another test with my note instead?

    Input: 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, note {Darby's}
    Setting: Very Fine
    Output: Metal cube with paper symbols on the sides, the symbols compel the viewer to press a large glowing button on the cube. Upon both Researchers pressing the button, it sent out a wave of energy throughout the entirety of Site [REDACTED], disabling most security and containment systems and causing a Major Containment Breach. Thankfully, the SCPs that escaped containment were drawn to Researcher Darby and Calloway and attempted to eliminate them, causing massive casualties to personnel in their way. The effect of the cube lasted for 3 hours, upon which the SCPs were contained and repairs began.
    Note {Darby}: I couldn't resist it, looks like my researcher status is again in question. I'm going to my roomCell until Veritas figures out what to do with me.
    Note: This was a major disaster, we had 34% of D-Class, 18% of Research Staff, 30% of my Security Forces, and my secretary killed by the Containment Breach and we still have not re-contained all of them. Thank God for fail-safes or it could have been worse. - Security Chief Brandt
    Note: Dr. Veritas' request to reassign Researcher Darby and Calloway to the mobile Site orbiting Mars has been denied. His request to reassign Darby and Calloway to the Research base in Antarctica is currently under review. - Site Director Hackett
  • Darby isn't even directly involved in this one, and it still ends up being surreal:
    Test 914-0565
    Name: Researcher Z. Larua
    Date: 13/04/2019
    Total Items: 1 note, 1 pencil
    I'm hoping I can get some insight into more direct and efficient testing if I can somehow determine what this machine has an affinity for. -Larua

    Input: 1 note that reads "What do you desire, 914?", 1 pencil
    Setting: 1:1
    Output: A cognitohazardous note with "DARBY-CALLOWAY" burned into it. Upon viewing the paper, Researcher Larua began muttering "I must deliver them" continuously.
    Incident Report: Researcher was then detained by faculty staff and escorted to the med-bay for amnestic administration. Prior to reaching the med-bay, Researcher Larua had escaped and was later found in Dr. Veritas' office. He was attempting to coerce the doctor, in a monotone voice, to redact his ruling to send Darby and Calloway to Antarctica.
    Note: We've ascertained in the past that 914 isn't sentient in the past, at least not as we understand it. Starting to wonder, then, if those two aren't anomalies themselves… given how many of Darby's experiments end in stuff going KABLOOEY, I'd suggest Keter classification. -Prof. Wren
    Note: I'm not giving either of them the satisfaction, Wren. The only two anomalous things are their stupid luck and my patience. -Veritas
    Note: Fair enough, boss, but if they do another collab like this, I'm evacuating the premises and would suggest everyone else do their best to keep up! -Prof. Wren

Edited by Luigifan on Sep 23rd 2019 at 8:26:08 AM


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