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"You might find it funny, but I've heard it a million times."
Film — Animated
"You probably get that a lot
I'll bet that people say that a lot while you,
Are sarcastically lip-syncing along
To words they felt were spoken spontaneously."
"I'm a private detective."
"Oh?" said Kate in surprise, and then looked puzzled.
"Does that bother you?"
"It's just that I have a friend who plays the double bass."
"I see," said Dirk.
"Whenever people meet him and he's struggling around with it, they all say the same thing, and it drives him crazy. They all say, 'I bet you wished you played the piccolo.
' Nobody ever works out that that's what everybody else says. I was just trying to work out if there was something that everybody would always say to a private detective so that I could avoid saying it
: You look very like your father. Harry
: Yeah, I've been told. Slughorn
: Except for your eyes. You've got— Harry
: My mother's eyes, yeah.
"So let us be clear with one another, Admiral. I have one life, not nine. I have never been killed by curiosity, my parents do not live in a cat house, my mother did not rock me as an infant in a cat's cradle, the preferred Caitian method of self-defence is not cat-boxing, I do not deposit my earnings into a kitty, if I am trying to be delicate about a subject I do not pussyfoot around shall I go on?"
: (with the Doctor mouthing along)
It's Bigger on the Inside
! The Doctor
: Is it?!
I hadn't noticed!
"Everyone who makes a joke about a dwarf's height thinks he's the only person ever to make a joke about a dwarf's height. "The height of nobility," "a man of your stature," "someone to look up to." You're all making the same five or six jokes." Alexander:
Hey, what's a four-letter word for "nuisance"? Crow:
Standard sitcom joke landing on runway 7. (Mike pretends to wave around marshalling wands, while Servo makes airplane landing noises) Bob:
Oh, that's easy: J-U-D-Y
. (The gang approves of a successful landing.)
Pearl: What's your favorite month, Marina?
This is another one of your octopus jokes, isn't it?
"It's a game that depends on shared knowledge; hence, presumably, the mechanic wherein players can leave little Post-It notes for each other. But the ones that say anything as helpful as, the mechanic 'hey, you can only summon helpers in boss fights when you're unhollowed', or, 'look, here's a narrow and easy-to-miss path down which lies the rest of the fucking game' are in a vast minority to the ones that say 'try jumping' right next to bottomless pits.
How witty of you, random player. And only getting wittier after FIFTY FUCKING TIMES!"
Here we are, Bagenaltown. The second-to-last stop. Next up, Kilkenny!
"If a joke immediately pops into your head after three seconds' worth of pondering, assume it will occur to many, many people as well, and a large fraction of them will probably make it in other pages. Result: unfunny repetition."
This is a joke both so old and so obvious that it's a puzzlement anyone would take it seriously enough to ask us 'Is this true?', but apparently there's never so obvious a joke but that someone doesn't get it.
Did Billy compare movies to baseball within six seconds of strolling out onto the stage? Of course he did. Did he dress up in blackface
and impersonate Sammy Davis Jr.
? Of course he did...There should've been a live from the Catskills graphic on the screen during his monologue. "This is my ninth time hosting the Oscars. So tonight just call me War Horse
Take his jokes — please.
, "The 25 Least Influential People of 2012"
I suppose there is something amusing about Mulder and Scully being sent on a team building course only to be sidetracked into an investigation
that requires a great deal of teamwork, but it's the sort of joke that makes you laugh for five seconds and then sigh
. By the end of the episode they have to work together to make a big pile of bodies
to winch back up above ground. Go team.
$#*! My Dad Says is like a shot-for-shot remake of a sitcom your grandparents don't remember hating as kids... these jokes are so old that the rough draft of this script was written in buffalo paintings. MoeWood
was supposed to get married, have a baby together, give that baby a hipster name like Leopold Kelp and become my third favorite gayelle couple after Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin (RIP). But you know, since lesbians stereotypically move fast, they probably did all of that in the few weeks they were together ("You forgot to make an Indigo Girls joke, you stupid, unoriginal piece of trash"
my lesbian friends) and once they figure out a fair custody arrangement for lil baby Leopold Kelp, theyll divide up their Indigo Girls vinyl collection ("Dont forget a Home Depot joke too, you dumb mess"
my lesbian friends again) and shred their joint Home Depot charge card.
I await an awkward moment, since Rei seems to not be at home. Oh, and there it is. She was in the shower and just waltzes out as Shinji is messing with a pair of busted up glasses he finds. She rushes forward with little concern over the fact her no-no parts are showing and grabs the glasses, knocks Shinji into her dresser, his bag gets caught on her dresser drawer, and as he falls forward over her nude form Rei's undergarments fly everywhere. Normally, this produces shrieks of 'Pervert
' and violence ensues.... I can finally see where this series is breaking away from the chains of anime conformity.
Say what you will about Kevin Smith
, his new movie Tusk
really blows the lid off this whole Canada
thing. Aboot. Eh. Syrup. Poutine. French people.
Having written a blog post more or less daily for ten years, I have come to have a certain degree of sympathy for the longrunning comics I mock, and to understand that not every days effort can be a winner: some days, you just sort of run with the joke you have and hope for a better tomorrow. And yet I dont think that justifies pulling out a joke that was already ancient when it appeared in the first Bill and Ted
movie 25 years ago, Dennis the Menace.
I really dont. Do better.
! Seriously, has anyone ever made jokes about this? It's such a hassle! There are so many fresh, new and funny situations that you could build a comic around Jury Duty, especially if you're using a character who seems so unlikely as Crankshaft
! I don't think he takes his civic responsibilities very seriously at all! Ha ha!
mushroom jokes kills six million each year. Help the [sic]
find the cure. Donate today.
Is that a dildo in your pocket? Lucy: No! I'm just happy to see you! Security Guard:
I've heard that one. Every shoplifter uses that joke!
My client, a private investigator. Mentok:
Colloquially known as...? Harvey Birdman:
Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe? Inch High, Private Eye:
He wants you to say 'dick'. Mentok:
Which would make you an...? Inch-High, Private Eye: [sighs]
Inch. High. Dick.
Well, we'd best be "be-heading" to work! It's an executioner joke. You'll hear all of them in the first fifteen minutes. Then it's basically just human tragedy.
What today's audience doesn't understand, and maybe you can put this in context, is anytime anybody said anything about "short", you were the butt of jokes
: Well I'M TIRED OF THAT!! Interviewer
Basically, Homer just had a lot of fun hanging out with gay men, and drinking in bars, and dancing at discos, and all that, and there was nothing there was no commentary there. Every restaurant had a silly gay name. The gym had a silly gay name. They were all double entendres, obviously... Then I started thinking, maybe they just wanted my stamp of approval
on it because it was just a bunch of clichés.
on declining to reprise his role on The Simpsons
Uhh, I see some virgins
in the audience! [deafening silence] Virgins?
[nothing] There are so many
virgins in here. Richard Branson. [beat] —is doing this event.
Our support teams are fully engaged to make sure @SirPatStew
is well tended to. We're Trekkers and will make it so. Stewart:
Impertinent, presumptuous. And so..."original".
Teacher Mrs. Simpson is an older lady with a voice like a chipper English nanny, and is instilled with the comic device of deafness, where everything is heard incorrectly or not at all — Did your back go out again? No, my back went out again!
Why it's like Groucho
in his prime, isn't it?