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Creator / Seanbaby

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Left: Mr. T. Right: Seanbaby. Not sure how the universe survived this encounter.

"I'm not here to speculate why The California Raisins: The Grape Escape was never released. I'm here to give you the investigative reporting you've come to expect from articles like 'Panda Bears Fucking' and 'Suck This, UNICEF.'"

Sean Patrick Reiley (born June 15, 1976), better known as Seanbaby, is a (former) frat boy, internet comedian, MMA fan, and occasional game developer.

He did a lot freelance work for Electronic Gaming Monthly a long time ago, though it's doubtful anyone would remember that. (EGM is still around, mostly for purely nostalgic reasons. But he still writes for them.) He was most famous for his website, It mostly consists of reviews of NES games and peripherals, him riffing on the old Superfriends cartoons, and his private collection of the Hostess Cupcake/Twinkies tie-in comics.

He is a regular contributor to Cracked. You can also look up a show called Broken Pixels which was as part of the 1up network. They did some "reviews" (that would be called Let's Plays) on obscure Japanese fighting games back in 2006.

He was also a writer on The Adventures Of Chico And Guapo and wrote the dialogue for the UFC Undisputed video games (earning him a Guinness World Record; see Overly Narrow Superlative) and WWE SmackDown vs. RAW 2011. He also designed Calculords, a math-based sci-fi strategy game for the iPhone... and later Android.

Seanbaby is still active on Twitter. Sometimes he posts pictures of him reading the weirdest books he can find to his daughter, Rebel Timecop. His newest project is 1-900-HOTDOG, a comedy site maintained by both himself and other former staff.

Seanbaby provides examples of:

  • Accentuate the Negative: Quite a lot of his articles focus on the flaws of what he discusses with nary a word regarding the topic's merits, but it is occasionally averted. For instance, there's his list of irreplaceable comedy performances, designed as a tribute to Leslie Nielsen and actually praising the people listed.
  • Alternative Character Interpretation: invoked
    • Popsicle Pete as an Eldritch Abomination.
      • None of you are safe!
    • And some obscure comic book character who traipsed around punching everybody without provocation - reborn as The Punchmaster!
      • Nobody questions the Punchmaster! *PUNCH!*
    • According to him, Green Lantern uses his powers for much less heroic purposes.
    • If you ever see cops in a comic book, chances are one of them will be Dick Whiskey: Drunk Cop, accompanied by his equally drunk partner O'Malley.
    • He's insisted, across multiple media, that Phil Collins is gay:
      Crispin Boyer: Seanbaby, I'm pretty sure Phil Collins is straight.
      Seanbaby: Then why does he always, at every time, have forty to fifty dicks in his mouth?
      Crispin: You don't know the context.
    • Smokey the Bear as a harbinger of destruction.
  • Anime Hair: He has a very special hairstyle.
  • Arcadia: He was raised on a farm, and he goes out of his way in a Cracked article to dispel the illusion that country life is nothing but fresh air, cute animals and friendly, simple folks. It's actually full of mean, stupid animals that defecate on everything and paranoid, gun-wielding psychopaths.
  • Badass Biker: In its heyday, the network G4 had a panda mascot named Po-ken. One of the promos had Seanbaby playing "Biker Billy", a boss from Po-ken's (fictional) game, beating up Po-ken in a forest.
  • Badass Boast: He's the man who invented being funny on the Internet.
  • Berserk Button: He seems to be Driven to Madness by the "romantic" advice laid out in books written by one Gregory J.P. Godek. Sean also really cranks up the venom whenever he's dissecting shitty, pun-filled kid's "joke" books, of which shitty-joke-book author John Byrne can be considered Godek's closest analogue.
  • Big, Fat Future: Noted when he's still talking about the general concept of self-help tapes and books about how to become a millionaire; he thinks about how to get in on it, concludes that it's all a scheme among authors with the same million dollars between them, and by the then-future year of 2010, all of America will have become subject. The tangent continues in a footnote:
    Experts also speculate that by 2010, 75% of our country will be overweight and insects will have evolved the intelligence necessary to attack us. I only hope our huge amounts of booksales and massive guts can hold the bugs off long enough for Buck Rogers to get back from the future that's more future than 2010.
  • Biting-the-Hand Humor: In EGM's 200th issue, Seanbaby wrote an article that made fun of the seven worst EGM reviews written for games that earned an average score of seven out of ten.
  • Black Speech: Popsicle Pete, being an Eldritch Abomination, speaks like this. The moment the people who encounter him hear his voice, they quickly realize that they're doomed.
  • Boisterous Bruiser: Generally meant to give off this image.
  • Boisterous Weakling: Many of his articles in some way deal with these: people who proudly broadcast their great fighting skill, often giving out martial arts records that appear to be completely impossible. Then someone manages to talk them into the ring, and they mysteriously end up being TKO'd in under a minute.
  • Broke the Rating Scale: He often invents rating systems for his Cracked articles to explain certain aspects of the works he's dealing with. This dates back to EGM, where he refused to rate a certain game with a number and instead gave it a troll riding a hot dog.
    • Invoked in the review of "Spy Muppets" for the Gameboy Advance, the next game reviewed after "The Cat In the Hat" for the same system:
      Compared to The Cat in the Hat, I give this game seventy Fanastitrophies for Excellence out of a possible none. Do the math on that - it defies the laws of trophy, and yet here we live in the twisted bizarro universe where it happened. The fact that it simply is not The Cat in the Hat makes it a tie with all the other games that are also not The Cat in the Hat for my favorite ever.
  • Call-Back: It's common for him to reference some of his old jokes, and many of them are so subtle that only his most dedicated readers will catch them. For example, one of Dick Whiskey's cop buddies is a guy named Fisketti, who first appeared in Seanbaby's article about the Rainbow Raider. The phrase "A real hot dog" is first noted by Seanbaby in his review for "Mr. T's Be Somebody Or Be Somebody's Fool", and shows up again in a Kick-To-The-Groin comic he made for one Probe article about videogame violence.
  • Caustic Critic: One of the original online game critics.
  • Deadpan Snarker
  • Funny Background Event: One article about profoundly unfunny Minecraft jokes features a screenshot where he checks that a joke had already been done... and the other tab starts "penis reducti".
  • Fun with Acronyms: Sean has a special knack for coming up with these. One great example comes from his A.R.N.O.L.D. system for ranking Arnold Schwarzenegger's best onscreen kills:
  • Genius Bruiser: Trains in Muay Thai and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
  • Hilariously Abusive Childhood:
    Seanbaby: I learned how to throw a tomahawk before I learned how to throw a football, which was ridiculous since if we were involved in a ranged altercation, there weren't enough people in the state of Oregon to soak up my family's ammunition supply. My folks used to turn off the electricity on weekends to prepare us for a life of self-sustained everything. I had so many knives and spears stashed in tree forts that my version of Home Alone would have been rated NC-17, and my parents thought that was rad. I should have made it clear earlier that when I said, "In the country, all your neighbors are insane," I was mostly talking to the people living next to me.
  • Idiosyncratic Ratings Scale: He's notable for having a different rating scale in almost every article he writes (especially on massive Values Dissonance in old comics). For instance, his 20 Worst NES games are rated on (among others) Graphics, Fun, Jesus Power / Desecration Of A Classic / Flying Human Chunk Rating.
  • Male Gaze: In one EGM article where he and his girlfriend tried to find the worst products showcased at E3, one involved her wearing a VR headset that blocked her view of the outside world completely. Naturally, this gave Seanbaby an opportunity to take a picture of himself staring down her shirt (she was cosplaying as Christie from Tekken) without her noticing.
  • Mistaken for Gay: Must have been the leather pants and fancy haircut.
  • Monster Clown:
    • All clowns are The Minotaur. All clowns are The Minotaur. There is no escape. It will never be your birthday again.
    • One article Seanbaby wrote featured the terrifying combination of religion and clowns in the instructional book "The Ministry of Clowning".
      Reverend: I was chosen to be your god's messenger. Which of course means... you worship fear now. Ha ha ha, oh my yes, run. It only makes your new god stronger.
  • Moral Guardians: Discussed in "5 Techniques Fearmongers Use To Create Moral Panics", using the 1980s' moral panic against rock and roll music as his source.
  • No Bisexuals: From his Cracked article "6 Ways to Improve Reality Dating Shows"
    She's bisexual, which is what guys call themselves for a few months before they say gay, and what girls call themselves when they can't interact with people without fingering them.
  • Noodle Implements: He likes to talk about these. One in particular involved a sexual position that needed lube that glowed in the dark and kills sharks.
  • "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer: His description of a screencap for the Home Improvement SNES game:
    This is a screenshot of a man with a grappling hook fighting a dinosaur. I swear to God this is based on the family show with the same name.
  • Overly Narrow Superlative: Seanbaby holds a legitimate Guinness World Record for his script work on UFC Undisputed 2009; the record of note is "Most Commentary Recorded For A Fighting Game".
  • Perfectly Cromulent Word: Seanbaby is pretty good at coining words that sound like they should have a definition, but don't. Here's a sample from his description of the NES Power Glove:
    "If you've never tried the Power Glove, it was a lot like translating your input into Eskimo, then Korean, then back into Regular. So for example, if your impotent flailing was trying to say "WALK RIGHT," the signal that made it to your Nintendo was 'SPUCULENT HAMTASM.'"
  • Permanently Missable Content: Sadly, there are scores of articles written by Seanbaby that are currently lost to the ether, thanks to either insufficient archiving or the websites that hosted them no longer existing at all.
  • Power Perversion Potential: Seanbaby speculates Superman probably does this, such as burning people with heat vision For the Evulz and looking at Wonder Woman with X-ray vision.
    Superman: (to Robin) Just think: all day I know how small your penis is all day long.
    Superman: (on JLA monitor) Hey guys, I was looking at Robin's penis all day! Over!
    Hawkman: Is that code for something?
    Superman: Nope! Over!
  • Rated M for Manly: Seanbaby likes to play this straight and lampshade it at the same time.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Suffice to say, Sean is not a fan of Dennis Miller.
    "So this lazy, elderly hack is on his fourth decade of trying for cute and accidentally hitting obnoxious. If you Google his 60-second radio show, the only results are people making fun of it or having trouble believing it exists. His podcast is a nonsensical technical failure, his career-defining schtick is used as an insult against lazy comedians, and he has one of the lesser columns on a white supremacist website. So the next time someone argues that right-wing comedy has a chance, remind them that this man is easily the most successful conservative comic who will ever live."
  • Red Baron: "The Man who Invented Being Funny on The Internet." Try to Fit That on a Business Card
  • Talks like a Simile: A large part of his writing style. The analogies in question are rather... colorful.
  • Take That!: People who write bad self-advice books, people with Small Name, Big Ego, people who fake having experience in martial arts...
  • The Rival: He's developed a red-hot hatred toward Gregory J.P. Godek, an author who has written several books that are lists of romantic things to do with your lover (Example, 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You.) He has spent several articles completely eviscerating his books.
  • Wall of Text: His style of humor can get pretty wordy- he often constructs complex scenarios to set up a punchline. One of his EGM editors once complained to him that his writing was like a house of cards, where removing one sentence makes the whole article fall apart.