Warning: Spoilers Off applies to these pages. Proceed at your own risk.
Circle Mage Origin
- Templar Bran in the Circle Mage Origin is a walking goldmine of these, when you meet him at the door to the tower.Mage Warden: That's a big door.
Bran: Yes, it is. Do you need something, or are you just here to state the obvious?
Mage Warden: Is this the only way out of the tower?
Bran: The only safe one, as far as I know. There are windows on the higher levels, but surely you don't need me to warn you of the dangers of leaping from them. It never ends well.
Mage Warden: Can I leave the tower?
Bran: (wearily) No, you may not. I'm surprised you ask. I would have thought you'd be used to this idea by now.
Mage Warden: What's out there?
Bran: Ferelden. It's not very interesting. Mostly farms. The occasional river.
- A mage with a bad memory attempting to join in on Keili's prayer.Keili: Blessed art thou who exists in the sight of the Maker. Blessed are the penitents who seek His return.
Mage Warden: Blessed is... that woman, Andraste, who... um... did stuff.
- A great deal of the dialogue in the Mage Origin makes it seem like going through the Harrowing leaves the mage slightly scatterbrained, as the player can ask questions about the tower in which the character has ostensibly spent most of their life. There's a lot of subtle comedy between Bran and almost everyone else you can talk to, with the implication that they're exasperatedly dealing with your temporary daffiness.
- Jowan spends most of his screen time stressed out and fretful, but even he has a snarky moment in the Circle basement after encountering the prophesying statue.Jowan: Ambiguous rubbish. It could mean anything. I can do it too: "The sun grows dark, but lo, here comes the dawn!"
- Arguably even funnier after playing Inquisition with its "The Dawn Will Come" sequence.
- As a female mage you can have the option to flirt/offer to hang out with Cullen. If you choose one of the two options, he gets flustered (or even more flustered, as he clearly has a crush on you,) politely excuses himself, and books it.Female Mage: We should get to know each other./Ive seen the way you look at me...
Cullen: Oh my goodness. If youre saying... what I think... that would be really...inappropriate and...I couldnt. I should go. turns and runs as fast as he can.
City Elf Origin
- While you are going around in Vaughan's castle, murdering guards all the way, you can potentially meet three really dumb off-duty guards, who will smugly ask you where you found this sword, apparently oblivious to the fact that you are most likely covered in blood and they are not wearing any armor themselves. One of the possible answers?City Elf Warden: I was, uh... he was... Oh, sod it. [throws murder knife]
Dwarf Commoner Origin
- Your banter with Leske is a good source of comedy. It goes from him making up a poem about where the nobles can stick it, a poem you can finish—poorly, to him daring you to talk to Duncan before the proving. It helps that he's voiced by, well, Varric, who also has a knack for snarking.Leske: Stone's embrace! That's one of 'em. One of the Grey Wardens! I dare you to go over and talk to him. Say: "Welcome to Orzammar, Warden ser. May I drink your bath water?"
- At some point, you go in disguise as a warrior to participate in the Proving (a tournament), and you fight Lenka, an aspiring Silent Sister (who has, therefore, cut off her tongue). You have the opportunity of taunting opponents right before a fight, and one of the possible responses to Lenka is....Dwarf Commoner Warden: You take all the fun out of this.
- You get the option several times to be a Servile Snarker to Beraht.Beraht: And I get to join the family and be called "my lord" for the rest of the little prince's life.
Brosca: And her son'll call you uncle and you'll visit on name-days?
Brosca: Let me guess: I don't really have a choice.
Beraht: You're catching on!
Dwarf Noble Origin
- If you choose to explore the Diamond Quarter, speaking to the magic merchant causes him to faint from the honour of meeting you. And if you try to talk to him again: "He appears to be unconscious."
- Later, you get a quest to find a shield. Some mercenaries are in your path who demand you tell them where the shield is. One of your dialogue options is: "The shield's a metaphor. It's in all of us."
- You can really crank up the sass during your meetings with Trian:Bhelen, how was your day?
Keep barking orders, Trian. I'm sure I'll care someday.
Kiss my ass, Trian.
Father's worried you're too much of an ass to be prince.
Human Noble Origin
- Fergus Cousland praying to the Maker to "send us some ale and wenches while you're at it!" in front of his wife, his parents, and his young son Oren. Fergus's father Bryce then compounds the comedy by explaining to Oren what a wench is, to his wife's exasperation.
- Made even funnier by Teyrn Cousland's ingenuity in actually finding a PG-rated definition for the word "wench":Oren: What's a wench? Is that what you pull on to get the bucket out of the well?Bryce: That's a winch. A wench is a woman who pours the ale in a tavern, Oren. Or, uh, a woman who drinks a lot of ale...
- Innuendo in front of Oren, in general.Fergus: When you have a woman in your life, you'll understand.Male Cousland: No fewer than three, if you please.Fergus: Bold words, little brother! I mean a real woman, not a turn in the straw.Oren: Do you like to play in the stables too, uncle? I like to hide in the hay.
- Though it's quickly overshadowed by the tragic events afterward, a female noble can have a rather amusing exchange with her adorable nephew in the origin story:Oren: Mama says you're going to be watching over us while papa is gone. Is that true, Auntie?Warden: I wish you wouldn't call me that.Oren: But you are my auntie! What else am I going to call you, silly?Oriana: Your aunt no doubt thinks it makes her sound too old, Oren.Oren: But she is old! But not as old as you, mama.Oriana: This is your influence, Fergus.
- Made even funnier by Teyrn Cousland's ingenuity in actually finding a PG-rated definition for the word "wench":
- The Warden can convince an elven messenger that they are the one to whom a "Ser Garlen's" sword is to be delivered. The sword's description is as follows:Somewhere on the field there is a bewildered knight fighting with his dinner fork. Pity him.
- Near the infirmary, you come across a prisoner in a cage who asks for a bit of food before he's executed and offers to trade a key to you that he has to the mage's chest. You can get him the food or you can kill him and take the key. If Alistair is already in your party you get a completely deadpan:Alistair: I did not see that coming.
- Meeting Morrigan, and Alistair's reaction to her.Alistair: She looks Chasind. And that means others may be nearby.Morrigan: Ooh... you fear barbarians will swoop down upon you?Alistair: Yes. Swooping is... bad.
- "You're some sort of... sneaky... witch-thief!"
- If you ask Morrigan nicely to take them to her mother:Morrigan: There is a sensible request. I like you.Alistair: I'd be careful. First it's "I like you," but then Zap! Frog time.
- The falsetto voice he uses for "I like you" really makes the line.
- Before the Guest-Star Party Member characters officially "leave", you can remove their equipment and watch them undergo the Joining in their underpants. One of them even tries to kill Duncan... in his underpants. It can be done solely for comedy, as you'll get their gear anyway afterwards. Though savvy players may not know that their first time through.
- During Ostagar, Alistair says, "Just so you know, if the king ever asks me to put on a dress and dance the Remigold, I'm drawing the line. Darkspawn or no." You can say you'd like to see that. "For you, maybe. But it'd have to be a pretty dress."
- Alternately, you can say it would make for a great distraction, at which point he'll say, "Me, shimmying down the line? Sure! We can kill the darkspawn while they roll around laughing!"
- Duncan's put-upon sigh in response to both of the above makes this exchange gold, as though he's thinking, "Maker preserve me, now there are two of them."
- The hilariously Shatneresque voice acting of the wounded scout in the Korcari Wilds:Scout: Who.. is that...? Grey Wardens?
- When Flemeth tells Morrigan that she's going with you and Alistair:Morrigan: The soup is bubbling, Mother dear. Shall we have two guests for the evening, or none?Flemeth: The Grey Wardens are leaving shortly, girl. And you shall be going with them.Morrigan: Such a shame... what?!
- Early in the game, when you arrive in Lothering after Flemeth rescues you from Ostagar.Morrigan: Ah, so you have finally decided to rejoin us, have you? Falling on your blade in grief seemed like too much trouble, I take it?
Alistair: Is my being upset so hard to understand? Have you never lost someone important to you? Just what would you do if your mother died?
Morrigan: Before or after I stopped laughing?
Alistair: Right. Very creepy. Forget I asked.
- Alistair trying to persuade you to recruit Leliana after you question her sanity:Alistair: Yes, but she's more like "Ooh! Pretty colors!" than "Muahahaha! I am Princess Stabbity!"
Leliana: [silently folds arms]
Alistair: "Stab, kill, kill!"
- And if you're feeling particularly cruel, you can tell him such...Warden: Don't make me stab-kill you. She's not coming!
- And if you're feeling particularly cruel, you can tell him such...
- Delightfully over the top, morbid yet hilarious: the Large Ham level voice acting from the Chasind Doomsayer in Lothering. Behold:Doomsayer: THE LEGIONS OF EVIL ARE ON YOUR DOORSTEP! THEY WILL FEAST UPON OUR HEARTS! THERE'S NOWHERE TO RUN! THIS EVIL WILL COVER THE WORLD LIKE A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS!
Villager: Please, you're scaring the children!
Doomsayer: BETTER TO SLIT THEIR THROATS NOW THAN TO LET THEM SUFFER AT DARKSPAWN HANDS!
- Danal, the innkeeper at the tavern where you fight Loghain's soldiers, is a comedic gold mine. Do yourself a favor and ask him if he's heard any rumors. While about half or less of these rumors are serious remarks about stuff going on within Ferelden, the other half are sheer conspiracy theories and other silly hearsay. His lines range from a conspiracy theory about the Grey Wardens being responsible for the Blight, to rumors of a tavern's shepherd's pie being made from actual shepherds. Likewise, if you talk to Bodahn and other innkeepers you can hear some funny rumors as well. Here's a link to some of Danal's quotes
- If you bring him along on the quest to retrieve the acorn from the crazy old hermit, Zevran offers to search the tree trunk,Zevran: No offense, but might I give it a try? I do have quick hands, after all.Warden: Go ahead. Show off.Zevran: [whilst searching] Let's see... when was the last time I slipped my hand into some dark hole? Hmm, I remember. Long story, that...
- How proud the Grand Oak seems of his Incredibly Lame Pun after asking him why he speaks only in rhyme.Grand Oak: I do not know, why dost thou not? Thy words seem plain, a mundane lot. Perhaps a poet's soul's in me... Does that make me a poet tree?
- In fact, Oghren will make that same joke first if he's in the party when you first encounter the Grand Oak.
- Possibly the most Jerkass dialogue choice in BioWare gaming history, at the Dalish camp in the Brecilian forest outskirts, you may run into a pair of shy lovestruck teens who wish to marry each other, but have issues blocking their path to the altar. You can speak to both of them and give them a much needed nudge towards each other... or you can shock the boy by doing something unexpected.Warden: Cammen told me about you.Gheyna: You... spoke to him? What did he say?Gheyna: (shocked) He hates me? Are you certain?Warden: Yes, and it's a shame, for you are very beautiful.Gheyna: (flustered) I, ahhh... you, um - you are too kind.Warden: Kind? Not at all. Cammen is not good enough for you.Gheyna: What do you mean? I don't understand.Warden: I mean you deserve a more worldly man... Someone like myself.Gheyna: You mean... Oh! [nervous laughter] That's... quite flattering, but-Warden: (Persuade) Come. Let us discuss this in private.Gheyna: Well, I suppose there's no harm in it. We could talk in one of the aravels.Gheyna: (shocked) I can't believe I just did that! How can I live with myself?
- Which is then followed up with:Cammen: Oh, what do you want now? I told you everything already.Cammen: What? She was to be my wife!
- Thanks to a bug, this also gives Wynne a +7 Approval.
- A female Warden can do the reverse, sleeping with Cammen. Also, it is possible to sleep with one of them and have them end up with each other, and it is never mentioned again. Just imagine the conversation they'll have eventually.
- Which is then followed up with:
- If you bring Alistair along when you first go to Redcliffe, he'll stop you and try to explain that he's actually of royal blood. If you're feeling particularly cruel this exchange can be hilarious.Alistair: Look, can we talk for a moment? I need to tell you something I ah, probably should have told you earlier.
Warden: Let me guess: You're an idiot.
Alistair: Yes, that's right. I stopped you to tell you I'm an idiot. Whew! Thank the Maker you know already! Now I can stop worrying I'll be found out.
- Much like Alistair, Shale begins to realize that everyone you go to for help has problems that you need to solve.Redcliffe Civilian: We're under attack. We've been fighting for our lives!
Shale: (tiredly) Is anyone surprised? Anyone?
- In the tavern, you can chat with a barmaid called Bella. She's sick of her boss and the tavern patrons, and certain she's going to die soon. If you save the village, you can give her money for her to get out of town and find a better life...and/or if you a male Warden you can ask for a kiss as a reward. She leans in, grabs the Warden's cheeks and kisses him. Cut to the tavern customers staring in disbelief.
- However, if the Warden is a dwarf, she hesitates, and you have to somewhat insist. It's arguably funnier, in a 'get down here and kiss me' sort of way.
- When you need to get the little boy out of the cupboard, bring Wynne. The stern old woman gets him out almost instantly, by simply telling ordering him in a grandmotherly voice.Wynne: Young man, come out this instant.
Bevin: I...yes, ma'am.
- Alternatively, if you have Sten in the party, he will note that "it's a small boy" and suggest that the Warden "burn it out." Understandably, Bevin exits the cupboard. Quickly.
- Demon-Possessed Bann Teagan:Bann Teagan: Nooooobody tells him what to do! Nobody! HA HA HA HAH.Bann Teagan: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaarmelade!
- The quest where you enter the Fade to rescue Connor from a Desire demon allows you to send in a party member, Jowan, or Irving, who all have unique dialogue for attempting different options. Morrigan has the most hilarious dialogue when you have her attempt to talk kindly to Connor.
- If you send Jowan, he can ask the Arl Eamon in the Fade if he remembers him.Arl Eamon: You! Traitor!
Jowan: I guess you do.
- If you send Jowan, he can ask the Arl Eamon in the Fade if he remembers him.
- Carroll, the adorable Templar guarding the crossing to the Circle Tower, is an absolute gold mine of funny lines and reactions. After he asks if he can get it on with Morrigan in exchange for getting you to the tower, she reacts with glee at the opportunity to seriously injure him. After deciding to take you to the tower after all, he says this to you, extremely fast.SoyousaidyouwantedtogetacrossmaybeweshouldgonowrightnowNOW.
- If you don't have Morrigan, or a high Persuasion or Intimidate, Carroll refuses to budge an inch to let you across OOOH COOKIES!Sten: I am content to part with them if it saves us from this fool.
Warden: Where'd you get those?
Sten: There was a child, a fat, slovenly thing, in the last village we passed. I relieved him of these confections. He didn't need more.
Warden: You stole cookies from a child?
Sten: For his own good.
- If Shale is in the party, she'll sigh and ask the Warden if she can just squish Carroll's head already. He will immediately allow the group to cross.
- If you don't have Morrigan, or a high Persuasion or Intimidate, Carroll refuses to budge an inch to let you across OOOH COOKIES!
- Leliana's comment when you enter the Templar Quarters and walk past a pillar covered with the Blight (which manifests as a pink and bruise-coloured, fleshy, cancerous-looking tumour that grows on stone in areas where there's a lot of darkspawn, and if your PC stands near enough makes these squishy sounds like growing flesh).
- Shale's reaction wins points for sheer deadpan:
- Later when encountering the Sloth Demon, everyone else becomes dizzy, while Shale just stands and says "Frozen again, brilliant."
- Morrigan's "nightmare" in the Fade, where she is more annoyed than anything else by the false vision of Flemeth, which she knows is fake. She is insulted by the mediocre and obvious attempt to trap her mind... up until "Flemeth" slaps her.Morrigan: Ah. Now that's more like it.
- Even better when you arrive, and she asks you her help to get rid of her:Fake Flemeth: She doesn't even acknowledge her own mother! My heart, it breaks!Morrigan: (obviously exasperated) Oh, slay it. And quickly! Even the true Flemeth was never as annoying as this!
- Even better when you arrive, and she asks you her help to get rid of her:
- If the Warden is contemplating annihilating the Circle, Zevran may ask why they were willing to spare him but aren't showing the same mercy to the mages.Warden: Magic and knives are different.Zevran: Magic can kill. Knives can kill. Even small children launched at great speed could kill.
- Sten's dream in the Fade is surprisingly hilarious, with some delightful Snark-to-Snark Combat between Sten's subordinates. Seems being a Deadpan Snarker is common in the Beresaad.
- When you go back to Orzammar as a Dwarf Commoner Warden, do what your sister Rica asks and side with her lover, Prince Bhelen. This gets you access to the palace where Rica now lives. Unfortunately, your horrible lush of a mother lives there too. Go and visit her with a particular person in your party, and you can have the following conversation...Mother: Well, look at you all fancied up. Did the prince decide he likes boys, or did you find some other way to bring in coin?
Warden: Now I remember why I left.
Mother: Right, Rica told me. Running off to the surface, just like your father. Never thought to share a little of that fortune with your mother?
Warden: You're living in a palace!
Mother: I've seen how they look at me. Think I'm gutter trash. Not one of them would let me step foot here if it wasn't for Rica! Precious Rica, and her precious little brat! If he chokes on that gold rattle, we'll both be out on the street!
Warden: Rica's happy. Don't you dare ruin that.
Mother: Oh, precious Rica. What's she done besides get herself knocked up? I had two worthless brats and nobody ever gave me the time of day for it. I deserve what she got! And more! And don't you tell me any different!
Morrigan: (dryly, to the Warden) We have more in common than I thought...
- If you side with Harrowmont, once he's been crowned, the crier says "News of the hour: Prince Bhelen attacks assembly and is ignominiously slain. Epic Fail!".
- And if you walk by a little later, "News of the hour: Lord Harrowmont victorious, Prince Bhelen pathetic and dead. A good day for Orzammar!"
- If you walk by enough times before resolving the succession matter, the criers run out of things to say.Harrowmont's Crier: Bhelen is a... bad, bad man. Yes, very bad!Bhelen's Crier: Harrowmont is, errrr, a weak man! And he will be a weak king! Yes!
- Bonus funny for those who pay close attention: that's Fenris doing the voices of both criers.
- It also hints at their personalities as well. Bhelen is a nasty piece of work, but he is also a sharp-minded politician. Harrowmont on the other hand, is surprisingly amicable, but is lacking in the assertiveness desired in a monarchical ruler.
- Help Bhelen get crowned as Orzammar's king and he'll ask, after already pledging his troops to the cause and giving you his brother's Trian's maul as reward, if there's anything else he can do for them. The Warden can answer that they want their face on "one of those big statues". Bhelen... well, he will see what he can do.
- Becomes funnier if the Warden is a Dwarf. They do end up getting their face on "one of those big statues"... because they're made a Paragon.
- While wandering the Diamond Quarter, Leliana considers finding a new job:Leliana: I could sing, tell stories... Help the king get things from the top shelf...
- After talking to the guard at the entrance of Haven, Zevran will make this remark.Zevran: Ah, quiet insular communities. There's always something nasty going on behind closed doors. I hope it involves chains. I hope they ask me to join in.
- When Sten is voicing his frustration at the Warden's continual involvement in things that do not involve killing darkspawn (namely, going to Haven to investigate a religious artifact), this gem is uttered:Sten: Interesting strategy. Tell me: Do you intend to keep going north until it becomes south, and attack the Archdemon from the rear?
Warden: It'll never see this coming.
- The best part? That is one of only two responses in that conversation that gets approval from him.
- Upon discovering the blood-soaked altar in Haven, most party members will respond with unease or remark on how screwed-up the village is. Except for Dog, who licks it.Warden: Tasty.
- Before entering the temple that houses the Urn of Sacred Ashes, the Warden can ask Brother Genitivi about the dangers that lie ahead. Genitivi says that it is written the Maker Himself watches the place, which he admits may indeed be the case. However, it's more likely to be "a simple truth wrapped in hyperbole and metaphor."Genitivi: After all, no one wants to hear 'Willy toiled for many a year to perfect the curious mechanisms that would send a sharpened spike up the arse of the unwary intruder.'
Warden: Oh, that sounds pleasant.
- When you reach the Ashes themselves, if you have Sten in your party, he'll say, "Congratulations. You found a waste bin." It's even funnier if your other two party members are Alistair, Wynne, or Leliana - all of whom will be in awe at the fact that they are in the presence of the remains of The Messiah - only for Sten to follow up with that comment.
- Zevran's reaction is just as good, again particularly if you have some combination of Alistair, Wynne, and Leliana along. When you get to the Urn, your other companions are suitably awed... but Zevran...Zevran: Nice vase. I should get one for my house.
- Somehow it's even funnier because his initial reaction when you first enter the room with the Urn is "Mother of Mercy! It is real!"
- Zevran's reaction is just as good, again particularly if you have some combination of Alistair, Wynne, and Leliana along. When you get to the Urn, your other companions are suitably awed... but Zevran...
- The fact that this quest, which involves finding the worldly remains of the setting's major religious figure, is a side quest. It isn't even the most interesting thing the Warden did that year.
- Morrigan delivers this line if the Warden speaks to her in Arl Eamon's estate in Denerim:Morrigan: If one more servant asks if I would like a change of clothes, I will set the house on fire.
- Also speaking of your party in Arl Eamon's state in Denerim, Zevran greatly appreciates the accommodations:Zevran: You know, I could get used to this. The last time I came to Denerim, I stayed at an inn so filthy the bedbugs had fleas.
- Also speaking of your party in Arl Eamon's state in Denerim, Zevran greatly appreciates the accommodations:
- One quest has you deliver the death knock to a grieving widow; instead of delivering the news yourself, you can have a companion do it by making them the active character. While Alistair, Leliana and Wynne are typically sympathetic, Oghren has a rather... unique phrasing.Oghren: Er, hm. Oh! Good news lady, you're single!
- One of Alistair's potential lines is also a tad unfortunate.Alistair: (solemnly) I hope you like heroes, my lady, because your husband died like one.
- One of Alistair's potential lines is also a tad unfortunate.
- During the "Trial of Crows" questline, after you return after taking out your first target, there's a bit of amusing banter between The Warden and Master Ignacio if choose to play dumb about indulging in his Spy Speak:Master Ignacio: Find everything you need?Warden: Same deal with the other scrolls?Master Ignacio: Deal? Uh, I don't know what you mean. But if anything "interesting" happens, feel free to come back. And consider that chest yours.Warden: So if I kill them, the payment will be in the chest?Master Ignacio: I never said that. I'm just curious about various people in your kingdom. And sometimes I "misplace" large patches of coin. I'm quite careless that way.Warden: You do mean what I think you mean...?Master Ignacio: All right, yes! You kill them, look in the bleeding chest! Happy? Everything clear?! Now if you don't mind...
- In the "Crime Wave" series of quests in Denerim, you can steal the sword of a haughty knight by the name of Ser Nancine, who has come down with a cold. You can simply pickpocket her, but you could also pretend you're a herbalist, talk her into removing her armor ("You can never be too careful"), stealing her sword in the process, and then sell the woman fake medicine for two sovereigns. Afterwards, she will be standing in the middle of the store in nothing more than her underwear, still having a cold.Ser Nancine: [while in her underwear] You don't look like much of an herbalist. [sniffles]
- The arguments between the old Sister who really wants to have lunch and the younger Mother in front of the Chantry in Denerim's Market District."The Maker does not bread sinners!""Can't talk now, dear. It's almost mealtime.""What, no mention of dessert? Surely this is a miracle.""The Veal holds no uncertainty for her, and she will know no fear of death, for the Maker shall be her bacon and her shield, her foundation and her—""There is no veal in the Chant! <beat> You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
- When you interrupt the conversation of two Chantry priests in Denerim, you have the option to bring up their ex-lyrium keeper. "Funny Aneurysm" Moment has never been funnier.Priest: He was assigned to guard the lyrium wares and it didn't go well. One summer morning he took off all his clothes, ran to the street and fell into a barrel of wine in which he drowned.
- It becomes even more hilarious at the incredulous description afterwards.Priest: He looked like a pickled egg!
- It becomes even more hilarious at the incredulous description afterwards.
- Bring Dog into the Denerim Market District and he'll take a little boy he found back with him and ask you if he can keep him. Initially, when he runs off, you have the option of saying "I suppose he's just off to do some shopping."
- You also have the option of telling Dog, "Put that back where you found it!" Comedy gold.
- "If he comes with us, he's going to have to fight darkspawn." (Bark!) "I know he's too young. That's my point."
- Before you start telling Dog to put the kid back where he found it, the boy runs up behind him and yells "Puppy!" Yeah, kid, the giant, ferocious wardog who can often be found ripping the throats out of darkspawn is such a puppy.
- And the fun part is that, really, he is. Dog is a complete sweetheart to the kid.
- Everything involving Sergeant Kylon. It starts with him bemoaning the fact that assorted lords keep sending him their illegitimate, ill-trained, moronic whelps to train as guardsmen, leaving him to defend the marketplace from stabbings, pickpockets and everything in between with "a legion of bastards" in tow. (The guard examining his nails in the background just sells it.) And he mentions how the problem is compounded by Arl Howe's "specially handpicked men", who are worse than some of the criminals they arrest.Sergeant Kylon: With the bastards, I just have to worry about dicing, the odd bit of drool, or yelling at them too loudly and hurting their poor feelings. But I swear the Arl's men are more criminal than the miscreants we occasionally arrest. Some of them are the criminals we have to arrest. So unless your life blood is draining into the gutter as we speak, don't even bother reporting it.
- And then he really emphasizes on how non-lethally he wants you to deal with the problems in the Pearl.Sergeant Kylon: Let me make that really clear: Not on fire, or exploded, or Maker knows whatever type of grisly death you can dream up. ... Sorry, used to giving orders to my boys.
- And then he really emphasizes on how non-lethally he wants you to deal with the problems in the Pearl.
- The Crimson Oars quest is pretty funny. Those mercenaries are just so delightfully over the top, especially if you persuade them that there are prettier and better-tempered women to be found elsewhere:"OARS! We go to the docks! LET'S FIND US SOME WENCHES!"
- If you return to Wade's Emporium for a second set of Dragonskin Armour, the clerk Herren growls through clenched teeth, "Rotten bastard!"
- However, this disappears if you pay for the armor, saying it's incentive to do it right. Herren is just tired of his Bad Boss letting you have your way without paying.
- If you go to the Pearl, the madam will ask if you want men, women, or a selection of both. Or you can select "Surprise me!" The scene will cut to your character wearing only underwear in a room full of nugs. If you click on them, it will note that they try and avoid your gaze and pretend to be busy.
- When attempting to gain entrance to a secret gathering of Warden supporters (which is actually an ambush), saying the correct password of "the griffons will rise again" is so hard when the alternatives are so funny:Paedan: What's the password?Warden: Err... sausage?Paedan: Sausage?! Bloody no! Go away.
- Or...Paedan: ... Go away.
- When the Warden tries to verify Anora's identity while on the other side of a locked door:Anora: (exasperated) Shall I try to shove my crown under the door? Do you think the royal family has a secret knock?
- A City Elf Warden gets in a pretty good jab at Arl Howe after meeting him along with Loghain when Eamon calls the Landsmeet:Warden: So you're the one who butchered my kin?
- Oghren and Zevran trying to bluff their way into Fort Drakon to save you and Alistair.Zevran: We are the famous Brohma Brothers! Can't you see the resemblance?
Oghren: I'm the pretty one.
- And later...Captain: All right, what's this about?
Oghren: My partner and I are performers. The Regent hired us, said morale was low.
Captain: You're performers, are you? What's your act?
Oghren: Our act? Well, uh, the elf here juggles swords while I, uh...
Zevran: He does a traditional Dwarven Dance of Death. Lights his pants on fire and everything. It's quite the spectacle.
Captain: You can perform in the main hall on the condition that the dwarf keeps his pants on. That's non-negotiable.
- Or when Sten's there instead of ZevranOghren: My partner and I are, ah, performers...
Captain: You're performers, are you? What's your act?
Oghren: Our act? Oh... well, the big guy here sings and dances while I, er... juggle swords...
Sten: On fire.
- Also, with that duo, when the guard has gone searching for his captain:Oghren: That captain better get here soon; these clown pants are riding up like nobody's business!
Sten: ... That was far more information than I needed.
- Also, with that duo, when the guard has gone searching for his captain:
- Most of the dialogue in this little side quest is pretty hilarious. One is when Sten opens up the door to a cage to rescue you.Sten: (deadpan) The irony of this moment is not lost on me.
- The same sequence if you break out disguised as a guard as well.
- Taking Morrigan with Dog.Captain: You're a dog trainer?
Morrigan: You doubt me?
Captain: To put it mildly. Whatever you are, you're not a hound master.
Morrigan: ...'Tis time for rampant slaughter, then.
- Taking Morrigan and Wynne is absolutely priceless: if there's something you don't really want, it's the pious Sisters of the Chantry praying for your soul and your physical well-being, listing in vivid visual details the diseases from which they are trying to spare you.
- Wynne and Leliana is pretty good for Wynne praying for the forgiveness of the guards while listing off numerous ways to call them idiots.
- Sten and Dog has some great lines from Sten.Sten: I am a giant with a war dog. I am either making a delivery, or besieging your fort. Hope for the former.
- Then, when waiting for the captain:Sten: This is pointless. We should go in fighting. (Beat) ...And now I am talking to an animal. I've been in this country too long.
- And then, if you let Sten continue the bluff and he's called on it, he's just not trying anymore:Sten: I have a dog. What more do you want?
- Just bring anyone with the dog. You can let the dog do the talking. It works.
- And later...
- If making a delivery (going alone, or with Dog or Shale), Zevran claims that he was supposed to be paid on delivery, and badgers the guards.
- The Beggars at the Alienage; first there's one "veteran", then there are three "veterans" and one very suspicious orphan. And yes — that makes him "Little Orphan Ollie", despite being an adult Elf.Starved Veteran: You were so generous to me before and these are... other veterans—Orphan Ollie: I'm an orphan!Starved Veteran: Oh, and — er — an orphan.Orphan Ollie: My mom is especially dead.
- Then there's a whole crowd of...Starved Veteran: Many — er — veterans, orphans, the diseased, and sad tales of all sorts.Orphan Ollie: I still don't have my parents.Starved Veteran: And poor Ollie still doesn't have his parents.
- And eventually you can question them about...Warden: Even that fellow with the fine outfit?"Beggar": I, uh, found it?Orphan Ollie: You aren't a real beggar.
- Especially hilarious is if you hold the Tab button around them. That last NPC is actually a "Beggar", complete with quotation marks.
- And eventually you can question them about...
- Then there's a whole crowd of...
- When you play a City Elf and bring your love interest along when you reunite with Shianni, expect some funny reactions when she mentions your wedding:
- With Alistair:Shianni: Cousin, you have no idea... The things that happened after your wedding... I'm babbling, aren't I? I'm so happy to see you!Alistair: Wedding? You're married?!Warden: I was betrothed. It didn't end well.Alistair: Still, you never told me you were betrothed. What happened?Warden: There were rapists. And we got the wrong cake. Disastrous!Alistair: I - all right, that does sound bad.
- Another dialogue choice for this exchangeWarden: Imagine a storybook wedding. This was the opposite.
- Shianni's reaction when you tell her Arl Howe is dead. She just sounds so gleeful.Warden: Howe is dead. Denerim goes through Arls pretty quick lately.Shianni: All these gifts and it's not even my naming day!
- With Alistair:
- In the Landsmeet, you can choose anyone in your current party to be your champion. Except Dog:Arl Eamon: Ah... Warden, no. I'm afraid we can't leave the fate of all Ferelden up to your dog. Anyone with a leftover ham bone could buy his allegiance. Choose someone else.
- It adds a bit of extra funny on a deeper level when you consider what's probably the real reason you can't choose Dog to be your champion - you're in Ferelden, where the mabari are maybe three steps below sacred. No way are those people okay with the prospect of Dog getting hurt, let alone killed. Your humanoid companions? Sure, no problem. A mabari? Absolutely not.
- And since even Loghain loves the mabari, it raises the question of whether he could be induced to raise a weapon against Dog!
- The split second of Alistair silently raising his eyebrow when Riordan proposes not killing Loghain.
- If you're playing as human female noble and declare that you'll rule beside Alistair as his wife, his following lines are hilarious.Alistair: You...you will? Usually after this I'll wake up or notice that I'm only wearing my underpants and everyone laughs at me.note
- The exchange between Morrigan and Loghain if he decides to do the Ritual with her.Loghain: You'll have to forgive me if I shut my eyes and think of my dead wife.Morrigan: You'd rather make love to a desiccated corpse than me? My, but you are full of the unexpected.
- The Warden convincing Alistair to do the Dark Ritual with Morrigan can be this.Warden: Your wildest dreams come true: sex with Morrigan.Alistair: [laughs] All right, that's pretty funny. Nice way to cut the tension. So what's really up?
- And then later:Warden: I won't lie to you. It will produce a child.Alistair: WHAT?! I... I must be hearing things, but are you telling me to impregnate Morrigan in some kind of magical sex rite?!
- And when you tell him why she wants the child, by telling him "I think she wants to make some kind of Old God."Alistair: Oh! Well, that's so much better, don't you think?! Here I was, worried about creating another bastard heir, and I didn't even consider that it might also be some... dragon... god... whatever!
- And then later:
- If you choose to leave Shale behind at the gates while you go to fight the Archdemon, she may drop this absolute gem as her farewell to you.Shale: And... do try not to get swallowed whole. If the beast were to fly about afterwards and poop it out, irony would dictate that it land on me. I couldn't take it.
- Or, if her opinion of you isn't terribly high, you might get this instead:Shale: So the Archdemon is next, is it? [Beat] Well... good luck with that.
- Or, if her opinion of you isn't terribly high, you might get this instead:
- Zevran (if you decide to leave him behind when you go after the Archdemon) really lightens up the mood set by other companions' words, which mostly feel like heartfelt goodbyes:Zevran: Say hello to the Archdemon for me. He never writes anymore... it's rather distressing.
- The aftermath of Sandal's darkspawn massacre in the Very Definitely Final Dungeon.Sandal: Enchantment?
Warden: You're surrounded by darkspawn corpses! What happened here?!
- During the epilogue after listening to Sten's parting words talking to him again will prompt him to mutter: "Where is the cake? I was told there would be cake. The cake is a lie!" Coming from the most serious character in the game made this all the more funny.
- At the end of the game, if Alistair is king, both of you survive and you say you don't want anything when he grants you a boon, he'll express disbelief.Alistair: Really? Not even a pony? Gosh. Way to wreck the drama.
- Anora commenting on her new husband's sense of humor after the final battle:Anora: Is he always like that?Warden: I'm afraid so.Anora: Oh. Joy.
- When you recruit Zevran with Alistair in the party, he'll express his concerns:Warden: I pick up castoffs. It's what I do.Alistair: Ow. True, but... ow...
- Oghren decides to join you when you venture out into the Deep Roads to find his missing wife. The Warden's (possible) response?
- The cut-scene just after you wake Shale up and leave Honnleath, Shale stops for a moment, considers a chicken clucking near it, we cut to the backs of the other party members walking away when the ground shakes. They turn back around to Shale, standing over a huge blood splatter on the ground, gives a small shrug and a look that says "What?"
- When you remove her from the party selection: "Pigeon crap." For a golem who's been a statue for the past 30 years, it's pretty appropriate.
- Being Oghren's wingman:Warden: (Persuade/Lie) We have to go, Oghren. The Queen is waiting for us.
Oghren: Gotta go babe, saving the world and all that crap.
Felsi: You're not staying for a while?
Oghren: (to the Warden) I still got it.
[Oghren Approves + 9000]
- Felsi's explaining why she and Oghren broke up:Felsi: Have you met Oghren? He got drunk, drunker then usual even, took off his pants and challenged a roasted nug to a wrestling match at my father's funeral. He lost, by the way. The nug got him in an arm-lock. He sat there crying for half an hour until someone pulled it off him.Warden: How did he lose to a piece of meat?Felsi: It was a sodding good roast!...Warden: She hasn't exactly forgiven you for the nug incident.Oghren: Hey, that fight was rigged! Anyway, the guards said it wasn't worth pressing charges.
- Felsi's explaining why she and Oghren broke up:
- Leliana drooling over her sisters in the Chantry; so chaste and guarded...
- Anytime there's Les Yay with Oghren around - he shows his Covert Pervert style.Oghren: Just the thought of the two of them together, kissing and licking and intertwined on the Deep Roads... I'm, ah, just going to go back to my tent for a moment. Excuse me.
- You can also get him walking in on you if you create a female PC and have him in your party when you get a female whore at the Pearl.Prostitute: Oh... that's just...! [shrieks]
Oghren: Heh heh, sorry. Wrong room.
- The Pearl just happens to be Oghren's kind of place. If the female PC is in a relationship with Leliana and decides to persuade Isabela to "get to know one another", depending on choices made Leliana may disapprove... or invite herself along. You also get + 4 approval from Oghren.Oghren: T-Too much to handle... Stone...! [faints with a loud thud]
- You can go Up to Eleven and have Zevran come along for a foursome.
- Sometimes when you give Oghren a gift in Origins, he'll sound about as over-the-top as possible.
- Especially fitting when you give him the Beard Flask.
- How Sten is utterly perplexed by the female Warden being a female, to the point where he believes she was lying about being a woman, since he cannot deny the fact that she's a warrior.
- Particularly amusing if the player is a Female Dwarf, since this means that one of the legendary warriors of whom even the Qunari are in awe is not only a woman but also half his size.
- Inquisition puts this into a funnier context; under the Qun, women who serve as warriors are considered, for all intents and purposes, men. To Sten, a warrior that considers themselves female is about as alien as a dog convinced that it is a potato.
- If you give Leliana a pet nug, she names it Schmooples... much to the annoyance of Oghren. note Oghren: Schmooples? You named a nug Schmooples? The last thing we need around here is a walking snack named Schmooples!
- It will even be with her in the post-coronation scene after the defeat of the Archdemon. Imagine it: a room full of nobles and other people of importance, and one pink bunny-pig.
- Best, in Inquisition, we find out Leliana has Schmooples II, with two young nugs to care for as well.
- Leliana's story about Bon-Bon, Lady Cecile's dog. "Bon-Bon flew across the room and over the banister! He survived. But he never came near me after that."
- Some Oghren/Dog shenanigans (and a bit of Wynne):Oghren: And furthermore, I don't think I appreciate the way you looked at me the other night.
Wynne: The way I... what?
Oghren: Oh, you remember. Those longing eyes, hungry for a bit of a tussle...
Wynne: I never looked at you, dwarf. Definitely not in that way.
Oghren: Oh, you're right. Must have been the dog.
- On the subject of Oghren, here's another funny tidbit of him with Sten in the group.Sten: Dwarf.
Sten: Stop tripping me.
Oghren: Stop tripping yourself!
Sten: If you were significant enough to notice, I wouldn't step on you.
Oghren: Oh, well... your mother!
Sten: ...That was disappointing. I expected better from you.
Oghren: Sorry, I was in a rush.
- Really, any time anyone tries to goad Sten is hilarious.Oghren: Lost your weapon, did you?
Sten: What of it?
Oghren: Swinging an empty scabbard, then?
Oghren: Your pike was purloined?
Sten: "Purloined?" Did you have to look that one up?
Oghren: The elf gave me that one. You have to admit, it's good.
- Really, any time anyone tries to goad Sten is hilarious.
- The entire chain of conversation between Alistair and Sten, discussing how Sten occupied himself while imprisoned in the cage in Lothering:Sten: On good days, I posed riddles to passers-by, offering them treasures in exchange for correct answers.
- Later:Alistair: So, you never did tell me how you passed your time in that cage.
Sten: I did not.
Alistair: So... how did you?
Sten: A training exercise. I would think of a word in your language, and then try and spot all the things that began with the same letter as that word.
Alistair: You're joking again, aren't you.
Alistair: You played I-Spy against yourself for twenty days?
Sten: (with the air of one imparting important information) There are a lot of things in Lothering that begin with the letter 'G'.
- Later yet:Alistair: Sten? I spy with my little eye something that begins with 'G'.Sten: [sighs] Is it a Grey Warden? Is it, in fact, you?Alistair: Ooh, you're good at this.
- Or this one:Alistair: Don't you ever talk? You know, make polite conversation just to put people at ease?
Sten: You mean that I should remark upon the weather before I cut off a man's head?
Alistair: ... Never mind.
- Any and every piece of romance advice the current Love Interest gets from other companions.
- Alistair gets several from Wynne. While most are sweet, there's the time she decides to explain how babies are made:Wynne: (to a highly flustered Alistair) I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms... but that's not true. Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other—
Alistair: Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from!
Wynne: Do you? Do you really?
Alistair: I certainly hope so.
- He also gets some suggestions regarding technique from Zevran, a few quips from Morrigan and this speech from Oghren:Oghren: So. With the boss, aye?
Oghren: You and the boss. Rolling your oats.
Alistair: I don't know —
Oghren: Polishing the footstones.
Alistair: What you're —
Oghren: Tapping the midnight still, if you will.
Alistair: What are you going on about?
Oghren: Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat.
Alistair: Are you just making these up right now?
Oghren: Nope. Been saving 'em.
- Equally funny is the talk Morrigan and Alistair have if you happen to be leaning towards the former.Morrigan: Those blushing cheeks tell a different tale.
Alistair: If my cheeks are blushing it's because I'm afraid you're going to suck the blood from them after you finish with him!
Morrigan: If I have the inclination to suck anything of yours, Alistair, believe me, you will be the first to know.
Alistair: That was so not what I meant!
- Zevran gets a warning from Shale that sex might lead to reproduction and a dialogue with Oghren (both are particularly funny if the Warden is in fact male).
- Morrigan and Leliana get into a series of conversations that end just short of violence if the Warden is brave or unlucky enough to romance both of them.
- Alistair decides to tease a romanced Leliana:Alistair: So... this thing you and him have going? Doesn't that violate your vows?
Leliana: What? What kind of question is that to just blurt out? What do we "have going"?
Alistair: Yes, I'm that blind. I so totally did not see you ogling each other before.
Leliana: He was not ogling me. ... Was he? Was he really ogling me?
Alistair: Now that you say it, I'm not sure. Maybe he wasn't ogling you. I don't know... I could always ask him...
Leliana: You can't do that! Could you? You couldn't do that...
Alistair: I could. But I won't. Next thing you'll have me pulling his hair and passing him love letters.
Leliana: I... just mind your own business. How inappropriate!
- Alistair gets several from Wynne. While most are sweet, there's the time she decides to explain how babies are made:
- When traveling with Zevran and Wynne, Zevran keeps trying to get into Wynne's blouse - he seems to have a big obsession with her breasts.Wynne: Have you changed your mind yet? Are you willing to speak seriously?
Zevran: Of your bosom? As you wish.
Wynne: (exasperated) No, I do not wish to speak of my bosom.
Zevran: But it is a marvelous bosom! I have seen women half your age who have not held up half so well. Perhaps it is a magical bosom?
Wynne: Stop... talking about my bosom.
Zevran: But I thought you wished to speak seriously?
- While Zevran's lecherous comments to Wynne are always hilarious, his preconceptions about the Circle are something else.Zevran: All I wonder is whether the Templars guard the mages here as closely as they do in Antiva. In Antiva, the Templars watch the Circle like a jealous husband guarding the chastity of a wanton bride.
Wynne: Interesting metaphor, but yes, it is not too different in Ferelden.
Zevran: And is it also true that when the moon swells to fullness, the mages of the Circle gather at the top floor of the tower and, naked under the stars, make love to each other?
Wynne: What? No! Maker's breath...
Zevran: Oh. I found out recently that it was not true in Antiva and hoped that it would be in Ferelden. Alas.
- While Zevran's lecherous comments to Wynne are always hilarious, his preconceptions about the Circle are something else.
- Also from Alistair and Wynne is their conversation about Alistair's injury, highlighting how much of a kid he is.
- And then there's the time he tried to get her to mend his shirt. Black Comedy sets in when you realize that he probably picked up the hole in his shirt at the same time he picked up the injury.Wynne: Can't you mend your own clothes? Why do I have to do it?
Alistair: Sometimes I pick up too much fabric and it ends up all puckered and the entire garment hangs wrong afterward. And you're... you know, grandmotherly. Grandmothers do that sort of thing, don't they? Darning socks and whatnot. You don't want me to have to fight darkspawn in a shirt with a hole, do you? It might get bigger. I might catch cold.
Wynne: Oh, all right. I'll mend your shirt the next time we set up camp.
Alistair: Ooh! And while you're at it, the elbows kind of need patching too...
Wynne: Careful, young man, or puckered garments may be the least of your problems.
- In fact most of what Zevran or Oghren say (when not being a Heartwarming Moment). Their conversations together are especially hilarious.
- Sten's description of Qunari sex to Morrigan. A few choice lines prove that Sten is the funniest character in the story:Morrigan: You seem so deep in thought, my dear Sten. Thinking of me, perhaps? The two of us, together at last?
Morrigan: I... what did you say?
Sten: You will need armor, I think. And a helmet. And something to bite down on. How strong are human teeth?
Morrigan: (confused) How strong are my teeth?
Sten: Qunari teeth can bite through leather, wood, even metal given time. Which reminds me, I may try to nuzzle.
Morrigan: (alarmed) Nuzzle?!
Sten: If that happens, you'll need an iron pry bar. Heat it in a fire, first, or it may not get my attention.
- This exchange is made Hilarious in Hindsight after Inquisition gave Iron Bull's antics that imply that most of this is just Sten messing with Morrigan's head.
- Morrigan and Shale end up having a party chat where Shale asks why the swamp witch (Morrigan) is still travelling with the Warden since she has no need to. Morrigan points out that Shale has no reason to either and the conversation ends with Morrigan threatening to turn into a bird and shit on Shale if she keeps asking questions.
- Leliana discovers Sten's soft side:Leliana: I saw what you were doing back there.
Leliana: Don't play innocent with me.
Sten: What are you talking about?
Leliana: You. Playing with that kitten.
Sten: ...There was no kitten.
Leliana: Sten, I saw you! You were dangling a piece of twine for it.
Sten: I was helping it train.
Leliana: You're a big softie!
Sten: We will never speak of this again.
Leliana: (sing-song) Softie!
- Leliana tries to convince Morrigan to get a proper dress:Leliana: You are very beautiful, Morrigan.
Morrigan: Tell me something I do not know.
Leliana: But you always dress in such rags. It suits you, I suppose. A little tear here, a little rip there to show some skin. I understand.
Morrigan: You understand I lived in a forest, I hope?
Leliana: Maybe we could get you in a nice dress one day. Silk. No, maybe velvet. Velvet is heavier, better to guard against the cold in Ferelden. Dark red velvet, yes. With gold embroidery. It should be cut low in the front of course, we don't want to hide your features.
Morrigan: Stop looking at my breasts like that. 'Tis most disturbing!
Leliana: You don't think so? And if it's cut low in the front we must put your hair up to show off that lovely neck.
Morrigan: You are insane. I would sooner let Alistair dress me.
Leliana: It'll be fun, I promise! We'll get some shoes too! Ah, shoes! We could go shopping together!
- Zevran proves himself a master manipulator:Zevran: Has anyone told you what marvelous eyes you possess, my dear?
Morrigan: Again with the flattery? Do you not tire from these pointless exercises?
Zevran: In Antiva, women are accustomed to being showered with the praise they deserve. Men should worship you at your feet as you pass.
Morrigan: They don't find that incredibly annoying?
Zevran: They are goddesses receiving their subjects, just as you should be. Whatever would be annoying about that?
Morrigan: I have no wish to be placed upon a pedestal.
Zevran: But you deserve no less. You should be admired by painters, copied by sculptors, exalted by poets! Surely you know that yours is a beauty so exotic it-it would turn the eye of the Maker Himself!
Morrigan: (thawing) Well, I suppose I...
Leliana: You are a master indeed, Zevran. You win the bet fair and square.
Zevran: Much obliged, madame.
Morrigan: (through gritted teeth) I hate you all.
- Alternatively, if Alistair is there:Alistair: By the Maker! You were right! You win.
Zevran: I think you owe me five silvers, yes?
Morrigan: I hate you all.
- Or with Oghren:Oghren: Hmph. Fine. So I owe you a flagon. Bastard.
Zevran: Much obliged, ser.
Morrigan: I hate you all.
- Alternatively, if Alistair is there:
- Another idle conversation reveals Oghren's ability to "smell purity a mile away". Alistair is not amused. Oghren would prefer the ability to smell cheese.
- When Shale and Alistair talk about pain, especially when they compare screams.
- From the same pair.Alistair: So, Shale... when you were standing there all that time? Did you... sleep?
Shale: I have no need to sleep. My body does not tire or do — ugh — other flesh-related functions.
Alistair: But don't you get bored? Wouldn't you want to dream, at least?
Shale: I do not dream. This is what it does when it sleeps? It paws its nose and mumbles incoherently.
Alistair: Yes, of course. I thought we all — huh... you watch me?
Shale: I watch all closely when they are still at night. There is little else to do.
Alistair: For... hours and hours?
Shale: I count the breaths. It helps to overcome the overwhelming urge to crush their faces while they sleep.
Alistair: Well. I won't be doing much of that anymore.
- There's also Shale's conversations with almost every NPC about birds.
- From the same pair.
- Alistair talks about his first and only meeting with his half-brother King Cailan when he was younger:Alistair: I said to him, "Greetings, Your Highness," and he said "OOH, SWORDS!" and ran off to the armory. We drifted apart after that. Very sad.
- If you opt to have Loghain join the party, he has a hilarious conversation with Zevran.Zevran: You know who I am, yes? I was one of the Crows you hired to kill the Grey Wardens.Loghain: I thought you looked familiar.Zevran: Well, I just wanted to report that I failed my mission, Loghain.Loghain: You don't say.Zevran: I'm terribly broken up over it.Loghain: Hmm. Well thank you kindly for informing me.
- Shale and Wynne have this hilarious exchange:Shale: I have a question for it, elder mage.Wynne: Must I always be the "elder mage"?Shale: Would it prefer "mage well past her prime, don't mind the sagging bits"?Wynne: You have a curious way of asking for answers to your questions.
- Turns heartwarming when Shale thanks Wynne for answering her question, calling her "wise one".
- Alistair, upon discovering that Leliana and a romanced female Warden have been casually discussing his prowess in bed:Alistair: Maker! What is wrong with you women?!
- Shale and Zevran also have one priceless conversation:Shale: So here is a question for the painted elf...
Zevran: Painted elf? Oh, that's me! I do like that.
Shale: Am I to understand correctly that the painted elf is a "crow"?
Zevran: Not literally, but... yes. I am a Crow.
Shale: As in a bird.
Zevran: Is there another sort?
Shale: So the painted elf assaults helpless statuary with its feces?
Zevran: If given sufficient cause, why not?
Shale: That is outrageous! The painted elf will stay away from me. Or else.
Zevran: [sighs] I get a lot of that.
- In another conversation, Shale and Zevran are discussing reproduction.
- Leliana and Shale have a few moments during their own banter:Leliana: You had a difficult life. Deep down, at the center of your being, you are a good person. I believe that.Shale: Even though I have never demonstrated this aspect? How peculiar.Leliana: You aren't all stone, Shale. There is a person inside of you.Shale: If so, it is because I ate it.
- Can be also heartwarming/a tear jerker if you already know that Shale is actually one of the dwarves that volunteered to become a golem to fight the darkspawn via the Anvil of the Void back during the First Blight. She was a female warrior of House Cadash who's name was, literally, Shayle.
- Banter between Sten and Shale, snarking about humans, with Shale comparing them to monkeys.Sten: That would certainly explain a lot.
- Most of the dialogue with Leliana and Zevran consists of him trying to hit on her. If hardened however she lets the bad girl out to play and epically pwns him by essentially being that aggressive in Zev putting his money where his mouth is he gets intimidated and backs down.
- One of Shale and Wynne's conversations entails Wynne complaining about Shale's designation of her as "The Elder Mage". On being asked to give her a new nickname, Shale obliges and starts referring to her as "The Fussy Mage".
- Due to a programming error, it never triggers, but a hardened Leliana can out-risque even the relatively shameless ZevranZevran: I must say, dear woman, I rather like this change in you.Leliana: That's nice, but I'm not sleeping with you.Zevran: Oh I can think of many other things that we could do other than sleep.Leliana: Oh? Then let's see what's in thouse trousers. I like to make informed decisions, after all.Zevran: Oooh. That's rather saucy of you, isn't it? You really have changed!Leliana: Yes, yes. I don't see those trousers coming down, however, do I?Zevran: Err... you just want me to show you? Right here?Leliana: Why not? Aren't you the shameless lothario you claim to be? There are rumors about you elves and I intend to see them proved untrue before I even consider a tumble.Zevran: On second thought, perhaps you've traveled to an awkward place where I dare not follow...Leliana: I thought as much.
- Speaking to Oghren several times in a row in the camp will yield drunken conversations. Gems include complimenting the Warden's buns (even funnier when the Warden is male, since Oghren mistakes the Warden for a woman in his drunken haze and becomes hilarious if the male Warden chooses to coyly tease Oghren); an attempt to tell a joke that fails due to drunken laughing; getting angry at Dog for supposedly stealing his pants (if the Warden choses to point out that he still has his pants, Oghren claims that's be the dog's downfall) ...After said conversation Oghren's character will sway on the spot before falling backwards with a loud clatter of his armour and passing out (he gets back up again in a few seconds though).Oghren: [cackles] Asschabs!
Warden: Oghren, you're wearing your pants.
Oghren: But he doesn't know that! And it will be his sodding downfall!
- Just about everything Oghren says, actually, especially when you can play along ("Where can I get some sauce for that rump roast?"/"Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"). Particularly memorable are his conversations with Wynne and Alistair about polishing weapons. Wait, what are YOU talking about?
- By the way, Oghren's response to "Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"? Is this:Oghren: Go and make yourself ready, woman. I'll be right there to see to it... [wobbles, falls down, loses consciousness]
- And you still gain a bit of approval for that response.
- By the way, Oghren's response to "Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"? Is this:
- Although it requires you to play dumb, the final romance dialogue with Leliana provides a gem where Leliana tells you she's turning in early, adding "I can't help thinking how soft and warm my bedroll is." If the player suggests they are going to stay up and write in their journal, she suggests bringing it to her tent, where she can help you write an entry.Leliana: Dear Journal, Leliana has shown much affection for me. Even asked me to come to bed with her. But alas, subtlety is lost on me.
Warden: Wait, what?
Leliana: Oh, now s/he gets it.
- An alternative to the above:Leliana: But now it's getting late. I think I might... turn in early. I can't help thinking about how soft and warm my bedroll is.
Warden: You don't want to talk to me anymore?
Leliana: Of course I do. You know I enjoy your company. But... it's getting a little chilly, and I prefer to be in my bedroll.
Warden: Well, I shan't keep you.
Leliana: You know, it'd be nice if you came with me.
Warden: What for?
Leliana: So I can show you my collection of pressed flowers... obviously.
Warden: I didn't know you collected pressed flowers.
Leliana: I... don't. Stop pretending you don't know what I want!
Warden: I have no idea what's going on.
Leliana: Ah, the games you play. Listen, I want to spend the night with you. There. I said it.
- Players who try and enter a romance with Leliana, or even those who don't, quickly learn she wants you bad. A Warden can still back out of a romance with her, but if hardened Leliana shows other girls how Aggressive Submissive is done. Taking her up on the offer provides this gem:Leliana: Good, now come with me before I lose my patience.
- Other Wardens may want to be patient and cautious, which gives us this.Leliana: Oh don't second guess me, it's not becoming. Come here, and no arguing this time.
- An alternative to the above:
- Alistair to a romanced Warden about a rose:Alistair: Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements! Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!
- Wynne's Grey Warden story if the Warden shows a particular love for griffons.Wynne: I remember a tale that was told to me, many years ago...
Warden: Does the story have griffons in it?
Wynne: Maker's mercy. It's like talking to a child.
- And again, if you push the griffons bit when she tells the part about the Gray Wardens arrival...Wynne: (in a clearly exasperated tone) Yes, griffons, now pay attention!
- It goes to back to funny and heartwarming when you respond with "But you're old enough to be my grandmother." Wynne pauses for a slight beat... and continues the story right where she left it.
- Alternately, the Warden can annoy her by constantly griping about the questionable tactical choices and the lack of realistic casualties.
- And again, if you push the griffons bit when she tells the part about the Gray Wardens arrival...
- Most, if not all, of the conversations between Dog and the other party members in camp. Special mention goes to a certain one with Alistair:Alistair: You know, I once heard a really old legend about how the Hound Warriors would feed their Mabari the flesh of the vanquished.
Dog: [heaving sounds]
Alistair: Oh, like you can tell the difference. Who knows, maybe you've already been fed something, or someone?
Warden: I would never feed you another person.
Alistair: It's not cannibalism if he eats it, you know.
Dog: [growls at Alistair]
- And then there's Sten's "conversation" with Dog;Sten: Grrrrr.
Dog: [vicious barking]
Sten: You are a true warrior, and worthy of respect.
Dog: [Happy bark!]
- What's even more hilarious is that when you enter the 'conversation' (for lack of a better term) your only dialogue options are "What's going on here?", (watch silently), and (back away slowly).
- When Wynne joins the party, she comments that your dog smells... well, like a giant warhound who rarely gets bathed is likely to smell. One of your possible responses?Warden: Good! He will fell our enemies with his stench!
- And then there's Sten's "conversation" with Dog;
- There's a particular conversation with Wynne you have that is rather heartwarming. The old girl finishes the talk with this:Wynne: When I die, should I find out you haven't kept your promise (to save Thedas), I will rise up and give you a very big finger-wagging.
- A conversation with Sten can reveal his sweet tooth, as he doesn't like much about Ferelden... but there are so many foods the Qunari lands don't have, and so don't have a word for — like...Sten: Little baked things, like bread, but sweet and crumbly.
Sten: Yes! We have no such things in our lands. This should be remedied.
Warden: I'll keep that in mind.
[Sten approves +7]
- In all, it's surprising and disappointing that the found cake is generic, not a gift for Sten.
- Wynne isn't terribly enthused about your romances with any companion... but her personal problem with you and Zevran is the funniest, largely because "half the camp hasn't been getting any sleep" since you began your torrid little tryst. Cue mental image of Wynne with her pillow stuffed over her head, mentally going through her book of spells to figure out the best way to get back at you in the morning.
- This happens even if you haven't slept with Zevran. Man, does that Wynne have an active imagination.
- She doesn't like Morrigan much, either, and scolds you appropriately for carrying on with an apostate. The Warden can interrupt her lecture and throw her off-track with this:Wynne: It's like she's forgotten you exist above the waist!Wynne: By the Maker! Is a little decorum too much to ask for?
- After saving the Arl of Redcliffe, if you chose the course of action that leaves everyone alive, Alistair will thank you once you get back to camp. Once the conversation is over, Alistair says this absolute gem:Alistair: Anyway, now that the warm, fuzzy part of the day is over, we can get back to the ritual dismemberments... Oh wait, it's not Tuesday, is it?
- If you are a female romancing Alistair, Morrigan will make some pointed remarks about your mushiness and how much of an idiot he is. Most of your replies ("I happen to love him", etc.) meet with disapproval... but if you tell her he's good in bed, she perks up right away, and grants you approval points. This is even funnier if you talk to Leliana afterwards, since she immediately begins pumping you for details about his bedroom performance.
- The lead-up to Morrigan and the Warden's first kiss.Morrigan: 'Tis a funny way of talking, you have, moving so close to me like that.Warden: Humor me.Morrigan: So this is funny, then?Warden: Only if we do it wrong.
- When conversing with Shale, you can find out that after her former owner's wife objected that the golem couldn't fit through the doors, Wilhelm shrank Shale to her present height. When you ask how one shrinks a golem...Shale: With a chisel. And a lot of nerve!
- Romancing Morrigan brings quite a few gems:Warden: We've never talked about our nights together.Morrigan: What is there to speak of? Do you wish me to tell you how wonderful you are? Shall I say you're virile and manly?Warden: Suddenly I feel like none of those things...Morrigan: Oh, (in a mocking baby-tone) My poor widdle man's feelings have been hurt. What do you say I kiss and make it feel better, hmm?
- One of the locations you can have Dog establish "Mabari Dominance" in Denerim is... the Elven Alienage's Vhenedal tree. Although, according to Zevran, the elves do it, too, so they really have no reason to be bothered.
- One of the great reasons to bring Leliana along is you never know what you might hear. Take romancing her and then Zevran, for example.Zevran: I suppose I can't fault you for being desirous of new experiences. What is it they say? Oh yes, you should try everything once except incest and Qunari cuisine.
- Likely unintentional example, but after sleeping with Zevran, the post-sex cutscene has Alistair giving him a Thousand-Yard Stare. Made even funnier if you romanced Alistair before sleeping with Zevran.
- One of Alistair's "enemies nearby" lines is, "Yep. Beasties. Beasties are comin'."
- Another from Alistair is "Don't look now but... well, look now!"
- When confronting a pack of wolves: "Prepare to have your ankles gnawed on!"
- When he's near death: "New tactic... Bite ankles."
- If badly injured but not knocked out: "That's...a lot of blood."
- After Leliana recovers from being knocked unconscious:Leliana: Heh! Look, the bruises form a pretty pattern!
- Unscripted moment of hilarity: park a female Warden in front of Alistair in camp between him and the fire, face him, and wait for him to hold out his hands to warm them. Especially hilarious if you're an elf or dwarf.
- This video of "upcoming features". Fear the Duncan horde!
- Then there's this gem of a line from the "experienced" voice for the Grey Warden PC at the start of an enemy encounter:Warden: Warden senses... tingling!
- From the same voice, the occasional response to encountering certain large enemies.Warden: Finally, something that can swallow me whole!
- From the same voice, the occasional response to encountering certain large enemies.
- When playing as a female human mage: of the four women in the party, Leliana likes shoes, Wynne likes romance novels, Morrigan likes jewelry, and the Warden likes... burning things. As for Shale:Shale: Now, let us crush something soft and watch it fountain blood. That is a girlish thing to want to do, yes?
- Of course, Shale also likes being able to glitter from ear-to-ear through using the crystals.
- Sten's special gift from the Feastday pack is a scroll of "Qunari prayers for the dead", which, when used, plays a short cutscene of Sten reading the scroll, whereafter any KO'ed party members you have are resurrected. Using it stops the battle, but not whatever status effects are on Sten, so it's entirely possible for him to stand still as a statue, calmly reading from a scroll, while on fire.
- Some of the item descriptions are fairly amusing, like the Conspirator's Foil, a leather cap lined with lyrium ore that gives the wearer a bonus to mental resistance and "instills a general wariness that may be confused with paranoia by the untrustworthy." (In other words, it's Thedas's answer to the Conspiracy Theorist's tinfoil hat.)
- Glamour Charm: This minor magical charm captures the viewer's attention and distra... ooo, pretty...
- There's an awful lot of inadvertent Hypocritical Humor available if you've been making heavy use of blood magic. You may pick every dialogue choice condemning blood magic you can find, and no one ever calls you on it.
- After completing combat with full health:Morrigan: I approve!
- Perhaps a rather random gameplay moment, but there's something hilarious about dueling Loghain with a Ranger and just standing in a corner, watching him get jumped on and mauled to death by the Great Bear you summoned. Or the Blight Wolf, if you're a PC player who exploited the extra ability slots to give it Overwhelm.
- The codex entry explaining the origin of the Circle.It is a truth universally acknowledged that nothing is more successful at inspiring a person to mischief as being told not to do something. Unfortunately, the Chantry of the Divine Age had some trouble with obvious truths. Although it did not outlaw magic-quite the contrary, as the Chantry relied upon magic to kindle the eternal flame which burns in every brazier in every Chantry-it relegated mages to lighting candles and lamps. Perhaps occasional dusting of rafters and eaves.I will give my readers a moment to contemplate how well such a role satisfied the mages of the time.
It surprised absolutely no one when the mages of Val Royeaux, in protest, snuffed the sacred flames of the cathedral and barricaded themselves inside the choir loft. No one, that is, but Divine Ambrosia II, who was outraged and attempted to order an Exalted March upon her own cathedral. Even her most devout Templars discouraged that idea. For 21 days, the fires remained unlit while negotiations were conducted, legend tells us, by shouting back and forth from the loft.
- The specialization manualsnote , several of which you may never come across even during your first gameplay, have hilarious epigraphs:(found in Origins)
(Assassin): "A Knife in the Back is Worth Two in the Bush." A manual that teaches the tricks of the assassin's trade.
(Bard): "From the Shower to the Battlefield: A History of Bards." A book that reveals the secrets of the Orlesian bards.
(Berserker): "Anger Management: Reaching a New Level of Slaughter." A tome with a thorough analysis of the berserker's combat style.
(Ranger): "Where Giant Spiders Come From: Wilderness Companions for Beginners." A book written by an experienced ranger, with useful tips.
(Shapeshifter): "Self-Esteem, Shaving, and Bad Breath: The Dangers of Shapeshifting." A manual that teaches a mage to turn their magic inward to become a shapeshifter.
(Spirit Healer): "Kiss it and Make it Better." A tome that speaks to mages who want to develop their nurturing side.
(Templar): "A is for Abomination: The Templar's Alphabet." A book that explains what templars do, and how they do it.
(found in Awakening)
(Battlemage): "Charging into the Fray: Not Just For Large Men with Swords." A guide to the philosophy of the battlemage.
(Blood Mage): "How to Use Friends and Influence Enemies." A well-worn manual that teaches a mage about the power of blood.
(Guardian): "Watching Your Back." An interesting read for the defensive-minded warrior.
(Keeper): "Ancient Secrets of the Elves." The lore and wisdom of the Dalish keepers, plus a special insert on frolicking in the woods.
(Legionnaire Scout): "First In, First to Die." The blood-stained memoirs of a Legion of the Dead scout.
(Reaver): "Feasting on the Fallen." A strange collection of poems by a particularly creative reaver.
(Shadow): "You Don't See Me, But That Doesn't Mean I'm Not Here." A maudlin tale of a rogue growing up in a loveless home.
(Spirit Warrior): "Fading Away." A weighty volume that explains how Fade spirits can enhance a warrior's, er, abilities
- Leliana flirting with a female Warden compliments her hair (special meta points if you made her bald), which can lead into a story of how feathers were all the rage. One lady went one step further and actually had baby birds, quite charming at first. However, these are nervous baby birds.Warden: Dear Maker.
- EA saw fit to make a trailer for Leliana, her Establishing Character Moment, acting awesome, heartwarming, beautiful, why she joins you, her personal quest. How does it end?Alistair: More crazy? I thought we were all full up.
- According to some dialogue that didn't make it into the retail game but can be accessed on the PC via mods, Morrigan is... not the quietest in bed:Leliana: So you're saying you're wild and uninhibited? I suppose he must like your shrieking, you sound like a genlock being murdered - a sweet, sweet sound to a Grey Warden. You should try a little harder next time he takes you. I don't think they heard you in the Anderfels.
- When you go to fight the brutal Bonus Boss Flemeth, they start neutral to the player. This means you can literally fill the area with traps and the second the battle begins, the traps all go off at once. Sometimes, you can even kill the boss this way by Cherry Tapping them to death.
- Gift: A Grey Warden Handpuppet. When used, he'll bring it out and actually play with it while acting out make-believe scenarios.
- Prank: Compleat Geneaology of the Kyngs of Ferelden. Alistair hates being reminded of his heritage, and having his stupidity be exaggerated.
- Gift: An Alistair voodoo doll. When used, she can jab it to inflict injuries on Alistair, all while giggling. (Which will actually be listed out and penalize one of his stats)
- Prank: The Chant of Light, Unabridged. Morrigan detests the Chantry, so this only serves as more firewood for her.
- Gift: A stick. You can actually play fetch with it.
- Prank: Protective Cone. Dog always has a 100% Adoration Rating with the Warden, this is the only way to get them to disapprove.
- Gift: Qunari Prayers for the Dead. It can be used to revive fallen party members via reading it in the middle of battle.
- Prank: A Butterfly Sword. It will constantly sprout out butterflies and a rainbow aura.
- Gift: A Fat Lute. She can bring it out and play music with it.
- Prank: Ugly Boots. A pair of boots with an unappealing bright neon colors.
- Gift: Amulet of Memories. When used, it will summon people of Wynne's past.
- Prank: Cat Lady's Hobble-Stick. When used, it will summon cats and distract enemies in battle.
- Gift: Rare Antivan Brandy. When consumed 3 times in a row, he will collapse onto the ground.
- Prank: A Chastity Belt. Ironically, he can still sleep with you while having it equipped.
- Gift: Beard Flask. Like Zevran's gift, he will collapse onto the ground after consuming it 3 times.
- Prank: Scented Soap. It will remove bloodstains. Let's just say Oghren's proud of the stench he emits.
- Gift: A Pet Rock. It can be named by the player (the default name is Herbert) and Shale will stomp on it while laughing in glee.
- Prank: Uncrushable Pigeon. Shale always hated birds, but she would have to deal with one constantly on her shoulder.
- Secret Companion:
- Gift: King Maric's Shield. How Bodhan got possession of the previous King of Ferelden's shield is unknown, but nonetheless Secret Companion appreciates being handed an old friend's shield.
- Prank: Orlesian Mask. Giving his Fantastic Racism towards Orlesians, its fancy craftsmanship does nothing to mitigate the fact that it's Orlesian.
- Some of the names and nicknames on the Statement of Defiance at Soldier's Peak are pretty amusing. "Chair-Thrower Lopez", "Allan the Quibbler", "Dustin the Colour-Blind", "Ebenger of the Bovine Brethren", "Jason sans les Argonauts", "Om the Stretched", "Weak Eye Santos"...
- When encountering Sophia and the demon possessing her:Warden: Levi, I'm afraid your great-great-grandmother is possessed.Levi Dryden: That, or she's really let herself go.
- When Felix de Grosbois mentions his mule's gone missing, a Warden can ask if he wants them to get it back. If they're an elf:Felix: Oh! No, no, I sent the elf to do that. I mean, I sent my helper. Tarren. Nice fellow, that... Tarren.
- When you activate Shale, you're asked to try giving it an order to see if it will follow them. If you have Alistair with you:Warden: Okay. Punch Alistair.Alistair: HEY!
- And if Zevran is in the party:Warden: All right. Give Zevran a hug.Zevran: Hmph. I don't enjoy foreign objects invading my personal space. Well, usually.
- And if Zevran is in the party:
- You come across a little girl and a cat in Honnleath. The cat can speak English, and its eyes glow purple whenever it talks. Something is not right here, and you have the option of pointing out that this probably isn't an actual cat.Amalia: Of course she's a cat! She just talks, that's all.
Kitty: Talking is simple enough, once you know how.
Warden: Right, what are you really?
Kitty: I am a cat. Really.
- Leliana's Song: You're required to cause a distraction at the Arl of Denerim's estate while he's away. When you pop into the first guard filled room... Also remember that she has an Orlesian (French) accent.Leliana: Gentlemen...
- In the Leliana's Song DLC, Tug and Sketch's sniping at each other can be very amusing. One gem comes when they're about to climb through a window:Sketch: Tight fit for Tug.
Tug: Eh, your mother said as much.
- One of Leliana's battle or victory quotes may crop up here; it's funny on its own, but when heard while in pursuit of the commander that had her captured, tortured, and raped, it almost guarantees at least a Flat "What".Leliana: Everyone gather round for a hug!
- Finn and Ariane are always good for a laugh, such as some of Ariane and Dog's banter, like when she'll complain to you that it's lecturing her after she tries to goad him into scaring a mage, or when she gets annoyed if Finn asks her if her name means anything. The best has to be when you do Mabari Dominance again.Finn: Ah... don't you wish you could just piss anywhere you wanted to without having people give you dirty looks?Ariane: What?! No! Why, Do you?Finn: What?! No, of course not.
- Considering the things that the Mabari pisses on to mark his territory in this DLC, it would be strange if they didn't comment on it. One of them is an artifact inside the Circle Tower. The other is somebody's long-dead corpse. Bad dog! Bad!
- They generally make a good example of Like an Old Married Couple despite having next to zero things in common and having only met a few days ago.Finn: Dog! What is that in which a tree is covered?Dog: [barks]Arianne: [sighs]
- Finn mentions that mages have started using Jowan's name as slang to mean to do something completely stupid with no chance of success, e.g. to pull a Jowan.
- The two mages from the library can be a bit of a laugh, like when one of them laments that they're not allowed to have pets (apparently the dragonlings killed during the Broken Circle were pets, who knew?) and defends that they should at least be allowed to keep domestic things, like cats, dogs or owls. To that, his friend asks why owls.
- A lot of what Finn says is funny, especially the battle quotes.Finn: Phew! Am I bleeding? Oh look, a rip in my robe." [faints]
- Searching the Circle library and finding some of Anders' schoolboy notes. Ser Pounce-a-lot has a lot to live up to.
- And one of the party banters has Finn mention Anders' first escape attempt - during outdoor exercises, he dove into the water to swim for shore. The Templars, due to being clad in heavy armor, couldn't swim after him and only found him a week later.
- Upon finding Morrigan, she gives you a warning about her mother not being dead. One of the possible responses is "I'm not here to talk about your mother," which if you romanced Morrigan makes the entire encounter feel like the Warden and Morrigan are arguing over their in-laws.