Darth Wiki: Useless Notes
Useless Notes on a variety of subjects.
The purpose of these is three-fold
- To enforce, or even top, common media stereotypes.
- To base silly facts from tropes on this site.
- There is no three.
- To play around with Hollywood History, Hollywood Science, and other such tropes.
- To just have fun.
This doesn't mean you just post any random fact. Since this is a site about tropes, please try to keep any of these notes related to a trope or established page here. Also, unless it's based on Vulgar Humor
or any related trope, let's keep the vulgarity to a minimum, please.
Compare Things We Have Learnt From Media
, only that is what media has taught us, while this is things we are trying to teach others, sort of.
Contrast Useful Notes
open/close all folders
Medicine & Psychology
- It's perfectly safe to shoot people in the arms or legs. In fact, it's safe to shoot them anywhere so long as you don't really mean it.
- Dreams follow everyday logic, just without all the denial and stuff. When you dream about the past, it's all going to be in a chronological, rational, and accurate way —as if you were trying to give an imaginary witness a little window into your soul. Also, it's OK for two people to have exactly the same well-ordered, chronological dream about the past ''at the same time''.
- Tomatoes cure all wounds. And injuries can be prevented by gold.
- Remember, promising cake to someone and then trying to bake them is a way to convey your love to them.
- Leeches will solve all medical problems, from the common cold to homosexuality.
- Freud Was Right. So was Jung.
- All psychologists have German accents, smoke a pipe, and want to know how everything makes you feel.
- If you die, your body will disappear in the matter of seconds.
- It is possible to revive someone who has just died by weeping and letting your tears drop on their face.
- Dreams never include content which would be banned when shown in public.
- Concussion causes one of the eyes to spin clockwise and the other eye counter-clockwise. It can get you high.
- If your friend has amnesia, just give him/her a blow to the head. Sure enough, he/she would be back to normal within a few minutes.
- Similarly, a blow to the head can induce amnesia. Another blow will cure the victim.
- People can always speak even in moments before dying.
- It's easy to strangle anyone, even to death, in less than 5 seconds.
- Landing a large fall is harmful or nearly fatal. However, hitting your head or slamming into a wall is perfectly safe even at very high speeds.
- If you get stabbed in a vital area, all you have to do is pull it out and throw it at your attacker. It will heal in only 1 hour.
- If you're poisoned, don't worry. You'll recover fully if someone pours some antidote down your throat (or injects you with it, or whatever).
- The Bible, Genesis 1:3: "And God pressed up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, and Start, and there was light."
- Then he pressed Down, Down/Right, Right punch and declared the light with a hadouken.
- The King Dedede Version of the Bible states that:
- In the beginning, there was nothing.
- God said "Let there be light".
- There was light.
- God said "Let there be sound".
- There was sound.
- God said "Let there be drums".
- There were drums.
- God said "Let there be guitar".
- There was guitar.
- God said "Let there be rock".
- (guitar solo)
- John 1:1: In the beginning was the Word, because God always calls his attacks. (But for Him, Talking Is a Free Action.)
- In the beginning, there was the Word. And 'the Bird' was the Word.
- "You say your prayers and thump your Bible but it didn't get you anywhere. You talk about your Psalms, you talk about your John 3:16- Austin 3:16 says 'I just whooped your ass!'"
- "Ezekiel 25:17: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you."
- Angel is Jesus, Spike is St. Peter, Buffy and/or Cordelia may be Mary Magdalene, Lorne is St. Thomas, and Marcus Hamilton is either Caiaphas the High Priest or Pontius Pilate.
- Neither Good nor Evil will ever triumph over one another, as the forces of good have a plan in place to defeat any plan the villains could put into play, while the forces of evil plan to be defeated in order to advance their evil goals.
- Roman Catholicism is the only Christian denomination in the world. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a heretic and shall be burned at the stake.
- And Jack Chick is actually part of the Catholic Ancient Conspiracy which he writes about (how else would he know so much about it?), sowing discord and confusion among... well, everyone.
- God is a jealous god, and is never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you.
- God was one of us. Just a slob like one of us. Just a stranger on the bus trying to make His way home.
- The one true religion is Mormonism, everyone else goes to Hell no matter how good they were in life. But, Heaven actually isn't such a great place to be, and Hell isn't really so bad.
- God speaks English. Specifically, American English.
- All Arabs are Muslims, and all Muslims are Arabs.
- Yet We go together. Like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong.
- Ey, Norway neighbors Hell.
- Even if there is no God or Buddha, there is Kamen Rider.
- The Old Testament does not exist, unless we're talking about homosexuality.
- God made the Devil just for fun. When He wanted the real thing, He made Aja Kong!
- "Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true/Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil/Jesus was a carpenter previous to his career as a prophet/all of a sudden I found myself in love with the world/so there was only one thing that I could do/was ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long"
- The end times are always near. Every time the date of the end of the world and The Rapture comes and goes without anything happening, it's just because the Southern Baptist pastor who swore that was the date just forgot to carry the 1 in his complex mathematical equation. He's sure to get it right next time.
- Meanwhile, Mayan Doomsday actually was going to happen on December 21st 2012, but was stopped by the Doctor, who had to defeat the same aliens who contacted the Mayans back in the day.
- Keith Richards is a daywalker.
- FREE BIRD!!
- Metal is nothing but angry Norsemen screaming into a microphone about burning churches while smashing drums andmurdering guitars while praising Satan.
- And raping children.
- Rap is nothing but angry gangstas talking about sex and drugs and violence.
- And listening to the above genres of music will cause you to do all of those things.
- It will also cause you to perform a Columbine-style attack against your classmates, especially if you listen to Marilyn Manson.
- FREE BIRD!!
- Punk is nothing but death and crime and the rage of a beast!
- Nothing made before The Sixties is good, and that's being generous.
- And The Beatles was the only band around back then. They were totally original, and they invented rock.
- Everything made in The Sixties was extremely high-quality and original, and all of it topped the charts back then.
- Elvis was a fat dude who did nothing but dance like Forrest Gump and end every phrase with "Uh-huh huh, thankyouverymuch!".
- FREE BIRD!!
- Wangsty emo teenagers only listen to Linkin Park.
- Jazz and classical music? It's the same thing.
- The older a music genre gets the more dignified it becomes. After it's been around for about forty years it stops being the devil's music and becomes a respectable style to be taught in schools.
- Nirvana was the only grunge band ever.
- Kraftwerk is secretly plotting to Take Over the World with a massive robot army that they've been building in their top-secret Kling Klang Studios since the 1970's, as revenge for young people forgetting that they invented every new style of music to come out in the last 40 years. And they'll be programmed to take out anybody named Sarah Connor, you know, just in case.
- FREE B--ow ow OW! Okay, okay, I'll stop, I swear!
- Anything recorded more than five years before your birth or after you've turned 25 is crap not worth listening to.
- Majority of people listen to only one genre of music.
- !luaP deirub I
- "Weird Al" Yankovic made every funny song ever, especially the really raunchy sexual ones.
- As time goes on music becomes more and more corrupt, and all about sex and drugs. Music was much more wholesome and drug-free back in the days of the Beatles and Jimi Hendrix, or back even further to Louis Armstrong and Cab Calloway. They never sang about drugs like singers today do.
- "DISCO FEVER, DISCO FEVER, DISCO FEVER, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH"
Military & Warfare
- Soldiers can't actually hit anyone---anyone who matters, at least.
- Averted if what they're aiming for is actually something that can defeat whatever needs to be defeated.
- Actually, even then, they won't actually HIT it. Not in any lethal way, at least.
- Attaching a small tube to the barrel of any gun will make it completely silent. This includes, but is not limited to, rocket launchers.
- If a bullet makes contact with a human body, the body will instantly cease to function, even if the bullet only grazed its little toe... unless it hits the shoulder, as mentioned above.
- Under the Time-Space Preservation Act of 2089, it is illegal to assassinate Adolf Hitler on or before April 30, 1945.
- It takes less time to tell your life story than it takes to throw a jab.
- On the other end of the spectrum, Japanese martial artists fight by telling their life stories and explaining how each and every one of their attacks work at great length. Well, they do throw a punch or two, but in the end, victory usually goes to the first one to bore his opponent to death.
- In hand-to-hand unarmed combat, your ears are an important asset for gauging whether you are winning. A whoosh means you missed, a deep thud means it didn't hit hard enough to matter (unless your opponent then retches; then you have killed), and a crunch, whip-crack, or other noticeably loud noise means it did. The louder you yell, the harder you will hit. However, unless you happen to be Bruce Lee or one of his 50,000+ government-authorized clones, exaggerated high-pitched yells will only telegraph that you are not a good fighter.
- Giant, bipedal robots are the most effective weapon in any situation, time, or universe. Likewise, a bigger robot is always better, Square/Cube Law be damned.
- When in doubt, just punch, slash or cast kickass magic (depending on the genre) with incredible anger and will. The power of hot blood and determination and rage makes you win by default. You, too, can get into your fearsome Berserk Mode through jiggling with your brain chemistry or mindless maiming of your puppies and friends.
- If one red military vehicle takes on one hundred differently-colored vehicles of the same model, the red one will win.
- Nuclear bombs are the the main cause of giant radioactive dinosaurs.
- And throwing them into the sun is the main cause of evil supermen.
- The more your clothing resembles that of any of your allies, the more likely you are to die in battle. If you're wearing a uniform with no customisation, it's probably quicker to just stay at home and shoot yourself.
- When heading to battle, you're quite fine not wearing any protective armor. In fact, wearing it gets you killed faster. If you lose while wearing said armor, it's not because you might have failed to choose your battles and the opponent resulted being Crazy-Prepared or a better planner, and it's not because you got overconfident in your gear, it's clearly the fault of the armor itself. The solution is 'wear less of it' or 'fight naked' not 'wear better armor'.
- it makes perfect sense to bring a katana or some kind of sword into battle even though your enemies are equipped with rocket launchers, heavy machine guns, and assault rifles.
- As a general rule, all combat can be avoided by hiding oneself inside a small bush, cardboard box or similar article which shouldn't move without assistance. If you avoid being directly in someone's path or moving while being observed, this is foolproof.
- Being arbitrarily designated a 'boss' is a superior form of protection to any armour.
- When the good guy gets into a fight with a bad guy, the good guy will always win. Don't worry if the bad guy appears to have 30 kg more of muscle or has extreme martial arts training. The Unstoppable Rage of being right always wins even if you weigh 55 kg and sit in front of a computer all day.
- Battlefields are divided into squares. Soldiers, depending on specialty, can move in an arbitrary pattern along the battlefield. Religious figures also get involved and move diagonally. Women are the most powerful soldiers on Earth.
- Alternate form of grid-based battlefields: The number of squares of the grid you can cover in a standard amount of time is proportional to the size of your unit. Which is a shame, because the fast ones all have rubbish attacks. Standing on certain areas of terrain will cause magic-like effects on the battlefield.
- Face-covering helmets pose a dire combat risk to the wearer.
- Bikinis made of body armor are quite practical, but only for women. For men, full-body armor is required.
- Many battles can be won easily with a game controller.
- One of the more common space fighter formations a small group of fighters following each other in a sine-wave like pattern.
- Any psychopath can join the military, and they are often rewarded for their psychopathic tendencies.
- The more projectiles someone can fire, the less noise they make.
- Most monsters and mythical beasts have the decency to wait for their turn while exchanging blows in a fight with you.
- Always assume that the leader in any military force is the strongest soldier. In fact, to be promoted, a soldier must be able to at least eliminate an army or defeat his commanding officer.
- Every war has good guys and bad guys. The good guys always win.
- The safest place to stand when being fired upon is behind a metal railing. At no point will the bullets pass between the railings. Instead, they will strictly make contact with the metal, producing lots of noise and sparks. Just make sure that the railing is greater than waist height.
- In any unarmed battle, you are guaranteed victory if you employ the 1004 Holds, particularly the "Armbar!".
- "AND HERE COMES NEW JACK!"
- Cream pies and cheese graters are all perfectly acceptable weapons.
- When your opponent is transforming into their ultimate form, which will power them up enough to easily defeat you, you must sit and wait for their lengthy transformation process to be complete.
- Pikemen never actually used their pikes, instead fighting with their shoulders as their preferred weapons.
- Only knights were able to ride horses and wear armour in the middle ages.
- A ray of sunlight is made up of many atoms.
- All you of Earth are idiots!
- All planets which could conceivably support life through any means, even technological ones, are exactly like the more comfortable parts of Earth.
- When stargazing without a telescope and with two people, one must point one of their hands in the sky while smiling with mouth open.
- As you get closer to the sun, it becomes dimmer and it gets easier to see its features without being blinded like you would be on Earth.
- Space travel is rather easy and fun because planets are just a few kilometers away from earth and since sound travels just fine,people can actually open the windows of their spacecraft and talk to each other and to other passing space travellers. Just be sure to be wary of traveling through an asteroid belt and possibly being hit by rocks the size of vans, or those pesky black holes that come out of nowhere and such everything.
- The planets orbit along visible white lines going around the sun. They keep the planets from falling down into space.
- The moon is made of cheese and was formed by the curdling of milk coming from the Milky Way, and like the sun, it has a sentient face on it. It also harbors life, consisting of a civilization of acrobats in tights whose one weakness is being hit with an umbrella.
- The rings on Saturn are solid, and you would be able to walk on them.
- People who pronounce Uranus "Yer-uhn-us" are just too embarrassed to say "Your anus", which is the true pronunciation.
- Pluto actually experiences emotions, and was greatly depressed when the humans on Earth stopped calling it a planet.
- There is controversial scientific debate over whether boys or girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
- But Mars is most definitely the origins of man. Venus is of course where women originated. This is why the pyramids point to them.
- "There is no dark side of the moon. It's all dark, really."
- "It's the nexus of the crisis/And the origin of storms"
- "There's a starman waiting in the sky/He'd like to come and meet us but he's afraid he'll blow our minds"
- "Well it's all right/Love is what you want/Flying saucer take me away/Give me your daughter"
- Venus And Mars Are Alright Tonight
- Dinosaurs are not extinct and are, oddly enough, often found on remote tropical islands or hidden tropical lands found only in the most remote parts of the South Pole.
- They also hang around in swamps near volcanoes a lot.
- As well as in great subterranean lands, deep underneath the earth.
- Dragons and dinosaurs are the same thing. Some dinosaurs were actually able to breathe fire.
- Dinosaurs were alive at the same time as Woolly Mammoths, Sabre-tooth Tigers, and of course, humans. Though this does go without saying, since they're still not extinct everywhere in the world. This makes The Flintstones much more scientifically accurate than scientists want you to believe.
- Cavemen hunted dinosaurs, during the age of the dinosaurs the world was covered in deserts, jungles and swamps, pterosaurs are actually all flying dinosaurs called pterodactyls and were all a cross between a Pteranodon and Rhamphorhynchus, Velociraptors were six feet tall with no feathers, and the dinosaurs lived one million years ago.
- Many dinosaurs survived extinction by migrating into The Great Valley.
- Evolution occurs when an animal reaches a new Power Level, causing it to instantly morph into a completely different species.
- If you were to go back in time to the dinosaur age, you would only see famous dinosaurs. You wouldn't see anything that hasn't been discovered as a fossil yet.
- Human meat is apparently like cat nip to Tyrannosaurs. Whenever they meet time traveling humans or are cloned in modern times, they're likely to pass up even a Triceratops carcass just to chase and devour a human.
- Mammals survived the asteroid impact 65 million years ago by hiding inside Tyrannosaur skulls, so that millions of years later their descendants could depict them dramatically climbing out at the end of their dinosaur documentaries.
- All feathered dinosaurs lived in China
- Cars with stone wheels can run on foot power. Just don't buy the ribs.
- "Open the door get on the floor/Everybody walk the dinosaur"
- There are many types of jellyfish that produce electricity. Jellyfish do not have polyp and planula forms.
- Exposing any sort of creature to radiation will not kill it, but rather mutate it into a larger and more powerful form. This is especially true for dinosaurs living near Japan.
- Human beings have at least 100 chromosome pairs, not 23, because the number of chromosomes is directly proportional to the complexity of an organism.
- Any organism can have its genes spliced with another to create a mutant combination, with no ill effects or imperfections.
- A single gene is more than enough to identify exactly who the DNA came from.
- Animals who talk, wear clothes, and generally act like people are perfectly normal.
- "Soldier Genes" can be taken from a sample to create a superior clone of a soldier, while the inferior genes leave the other twin clone with blond hair and a British accent. The DNA can also be used to enhance supersoldiers. An upper skull and spine can survive being removed from a body and grafted to an exoskeleton.
- The bones in the human body are made of an as of yet undiscovered yet incredible durable material. Except for the head, so you can hit someone as hard as you want anywhere else because the worst they'll suffer is maybe a broken bone and most likely they'll just get a sprain.
- Evolutionary psychology is right. We're constantly thinking of how we can have more children. This is why we never use contraceptives. It's also why women are the devil.
- Large breasts are scientifically proven to make you want to dress in latex and fight crime. And go into archaeology.
- Dead trees can stand for centuries, especially if they're around swamps and haunted places.
- Clams are not filter feeders. They use pearls as a bait.
- Sliding is faster than running.
- The deeper into the ocean you go, the bigger the fish get.
- Whales use blowholes just to produce fountain of water.
- It's religious persecution that this folder hasn't been replaced by the Religion folder.
- Hyenas are just dogs with a hunchback.
- Since they fly, bats are not in fact mammals, but rather part of a new class of animals.
- If you're a test tube baby, "you're not human, baby, you're not human. Hey man, go back to Jupiter or Mars. You don't belong on this planet, baby."
Culture & People
- Only the most important people in the world have names. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a terrorist.
- The more kind and friendly a person is, the more they will kill you if you push them too hard.
- If you can think of a problem, Batman has already come up with a solution for it.
- Sometimes, it's okay to root for a likable killer.
- Nurses are always sexy, no matter what. Unless they're the Joker in drag. Even then, some people may still find it sexy.
- If anyone sounds like they have a really convincing American accent, they're probably faking it.
- Native people are either magic or cruel. Sometimes both. There's no such thing as a Native person who lives in a city and has a job. Native Americans, who all live in tipis, may be distinguished by their dramatic feathered war-bonnets, which everyone wears constantly, even while indoors. When not attacking the tribe next door (warpaint and uluating war cries obligatory), they carve totem poles, care for their scalp collections, and hold rain dances. Fortunately for them, all of tribes across the vast North American continent share a single languagenote , in which "hello" is "How" 好 and the rest is either broken English in which the suffix "um" is added to every verb and the phrase "heap big" comes up a lot, or just gibberish best conveyed by speaking English and reversing the sound on the tape. Also, 90% of Native people are men, of whom 99% are warriors and 1% medicine men.
- When in doubt in an argument, compare your opponent to the Nazis. Automatic victory guaranteed.
- Remember, people whose political affiliations are different from yours are Commie Nazis .
- Heroes come in groups of five, unless they're part of a trio.
- Or a trio of five?
- To create a group of four heroes, pour the trio into the five-o twice, leaving one hero in the trio. Empty the five-o, then pour the one hero into the five-o, refill the trio, and pour the three in the trio into the one in the five-o. This leaves four in the five and an emptied three; in other words, forty-five minus three, which is forty-two. Q.E.D.
- Elvis lives. He is the President. He will always be the President.
- All Germans Are Nazis even to this day, and if they say they aren't, they're lying.
- All Canadians live in igloos and live on only donuts, poutine, maple syrup, and the flesh of Mooses. Most Canadians are ice fishers (they export the fish, they don't consider it nearly as tasty or nutritious as Moose). Particularly rich and successful Canadians reinforce their igloos with copious numbers of Celine Dion cds.
- They also all only drink Molson beer and the only restaurants are all Tim Horton's Donuts.
- Shoes do not exist in Canada. Everyone wears skates at all times.
- All Africans are beautiful refugees who are stuck living in displaced persons camps despite having deceased millionaire fathers who were in the oil business. They're willing to share these millions with the first naive, lovesick American they find on a dating website (or email out of the blue, without ever having met the person they're emailing), as long as the American first gives them their name, address, phone number, credit card number and social security number.
- Also, everyone has a distant millionaire relative in Africa too. When they die someone will randomly email you telling you that you're inheriting all their wealth. note
- "Hasa Diga Eebowai".
- All Britons strive to imitate a toff every time they speak. Their diet consists solely of tea, crumpets and roast beef, they have poor oral hygiene and consider three television episodes a complete series. Everyone in Britain either is a butler, or has a butler (occasionally both). The traditional forms of British entertainment are cricket, fox hunting and complaining about foreigners. With the exception of their young women and the occasional man, they're all evil, but at least they're not as evil as their Nazi-like ancestors. It rains in Britain, every single day.
- Scotland is composed entirely of hill, mountain and moorland, covered in waste swathes of heather, except for Glasgow (and Edinburgh, and Glastonbury). All Scots are either angry drunks or amiable sheep farmers. Tartan is mandatory. Every morning, all Scotsmen rise from bed, march to the top of a mountain and bellow "Freeedooommmmmm!".
- Everyone living south of the US / Mexico border, even as far south as Argentina, is Mexican. They all speak Spanish and have brown skin, so they must be all the same nationality, right?
- And actual Spaniards are descended from immigrants from Mexico, where the Spanish language has its origins. They swam across the Atlantic Ocean looking for jobs. This is why Spain is exactly like Mexico in every way.
- Everyone wants to emigrate north. Eventually the entire Western Hemisphere will be unpopulated except for Canada, where volunteer border patrols will shootnote at American immigrants looking for a job harvesting maple syrup.
- Here's one for your history class! The only white people from Spain came to America long ago looking for a City of Gold. Some of them sound British.
- Everyone in Russia works for the KGB in some way, be they a superspy or simply an assassin. There are no other occupations in Russia, which helps to explain the terrible state of their economy. It should be noted that while the Russian women also work for the KGB, they can be convinced to change sides by any reasonably attractive foreigner.
- Similar to how there are no non-KGB occupations in Russia, there is also nothing to drink there except vodka.
- There is one basic culture, and a culture which is not your own is basically the same except for a few differences in food and television.
- All Africans and Middle Easterners circumcise their daughters. They don't circumcise their sons. Except Israelis, where you can reverse that.
- All bigots are white, and are also anti-semites, even if they've never even heard of Jews.
- "Semite" means just Jews. Jews cannot be anti-Semitic, and are always Zionist Commies.
- Your current government leader is evil and desecrating everything your country stands for. Or, they're the best leader EVER. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just mistaken and just needs convincing.
- Likewise, the title of "Antichrist" has been passed down from president to president in the U.S. since George Washington, though only people with different political views than the president in office can see it.
- Similarly, every president since Hitler died is his reincarnation. Again, only people who oppose their political opinions know this and try to warn everyone else by adding Hitler's famous moustache to pictures of the president. Unfortunately, Hitler's spirit can't be killed and will just take over the next president's body.
- Japan is still bitter towards the US over losing World War II, and are retaliating by turning innocent white American children into rice-munching, cosplaying, Pokemon-playing otakus so that when they bomb Pearl Harbor again every American under the age of 25 will join in the overthrow of the US government. The Gratuitous Japanese trope names on This Very Wiki is evidence of their scheme.
- Prior to The VJ Day Kiss of August 14, 1945, all Asian people were evil. All Chinese people were monstrous, evil-moustached, if gentlemanly, Diabolical Masterminds who ran Opium Dens. All Japanese people were creepily-bespectacled, buck-toothed killers who said "Velly solly" constantly. After The VJ Day Kiss, everything changed; Asians were magically transformed into friendlier math and computer/electronics whizzes, martial arts experts, or hot, sexually available women.
- Kicking other people's *sses always ensures a healthy social life.
- YOU SUCK.
- Anyone with global domination intentions says this intention out loud and looks evil. They always break the laws to achieve their goals instead of using those laws to their advantage.
- Everyone in the world speaks English, they just have different accents depending on what country they're from.
- Western culture is the most advanced and progressive in the world. Anyone else who is as advanced is just copying from the west.
- Alternatively, the Middle east or china the most advanced. Either way, Sub-Saharan Africa or pre-Columbian America don't count as civilizations.
- Umbrellas save the lives of thousands of falling victims per year.
- If you're trapped in a burning building and not promptly rescued, you will inevitably burst into flames. Neither smoke inhalation nor hot air will be your undoing, because fire obeys the Rule of Cool.
- However, as long as you do not touch the fire itself, you will be fine. The same goes for incidents involving molten lava.
- The only dangerous part of a tornado is the visible funnel. As long as you avoid it, you'll be safe.
- You can't get AIDS if it's your first time. Or if you're circumcised. Or if you only did oral. Or...
- Everything causes cancer, in one way or another.
- Cells and cages are perfectly inescapable even when the length between bars is larger than the wideness of a captured subject.
- Don't ever utter the words "How could things get any worse?" while walking alongside the street in fancy clothing. A Roadside Wave will inevitably ensue. It's never a good idea to say those words anywhere really, as covered in the Meteorology section.
- All strangers are evil and want to mug you or kidnap children. But don't worry, you can always tell when there's a stranger nearby because they all wear trenchcoats and fedoras, and have shifty eyes.
- Doors are indestructible as long as they're not brighter than most of the doors, not glowing or cracked.
- If you get hurt, even if it's something as severe as a gunshot wound, you'll be invincible for a second or two.
- If your friend is suffering from anaphylactic shock, it's always a good idea to stab them in the heart with an Epipen.
- Everything will kill you, starting with Taz and Samoa Joe.
- Mountains are everywhere.
- The vast, frozen Commie Land called Russia is a mysterious geographic anomaly, simultaneously visible from Alaska (would Sarah Palin lie to you?) and bordering the Deep South of the United States (how else could they invade Georgia?). It might also be near Europe or Asia or something, according to less-than-reliable accounts.
- Most of the United States has palm trees, except for the Midwest, which looks exactly like Vancouver and New York City and Chicago, which look exactly like Toronto.
- Meanwhile, California is just one gigantic beach where everyone is either a movie star, a hippie, or a surfer, and everyone listens to The Beach Boys. It never rains there either.
- Unless someone is sad.
- Or if it would be dramatic for it to rain.
- It's possible to see the Hollywood sign from anywhere in California.
- Florida is basically the East Coast version of California, but flatter and with more old people. And instead of earthquakes they get hurricanes.
- There is a country to the north of Europe which can be known as Britain, the UK or England. The capital city is London, where Stonehenge is. The only other city in this country is Cardiff, which is where everyone speaks with a weird version of an English accent and all the aliens are. Except the ones that are from London.
- London consists entirely of Big Ben, St. Pauls Cathedral, The Tower Bridge, and Buckingham Palace. There's nothing else there. Also, everyone in the city dresses and acts like it's still the 1890's (while all cars are from 1930-1970, and all hairstyles, well...). Like New York and Tokyo, it's a magnet for aliens and the supernatural, and gets destroyed every couple months. Especially on Christmas.
- Greenland is almost as big as South America. Just look at any world map. Also, land tends to look more stretched out the further north you go.
- Texas is the largest state in the US. Some people claim it's Alaska, but if you look at any map of the US you can clearly see that Alaska is actually about half the size of California, and right next to Hawaii (which is right off the coast of California, by the way). Both states are surrounded by an odd box-like landmass.
- You can see the Eiffel Tower out of every window in France no matter where you are or which way you are facing. And France is basically just Paris.
- In fact, it's a little known fact that the majority of France's population lives within 100 yards of the Eiffel Tower. The only people allowed to live elsewhere are wine-makers and owners of small, romantic inns in the country-side.
- Africa is all one country, except for Egypt, and possibly South Africa, that evil country where apartheid happened. Geographically, Africa has two climates. There's the vast Sahara desert, made up of endless sand dunes, pyramids, sphinxes, cacti, and the random oasis, consisting of a small pond and some palm trees (though these will rarely not be a mirage). The second climate is a dense jungle, consisting of gorillas, lions, elephants, hippos, dinosaurs, cannibal natives, and European jungle men who were raised by apes. Besides them, everyone in Africa is black, and their clothing is optional.
- Everyone in the Middle East is Islamic, except in Israel. Everyone's a terrorist suicide bomber in the Middle East too. And there's lots of oil everywhere, just laying around in huge black lakes. The terrain is otherwise pretty much the same as the desert part of Africa including sand dunes and pyramids and cacti, just with oil.
- South America (no not that South America) is a big rain forest, where people make coffee beans and cocaine. There aren't really any independent countries there, at least if there are they aren't very important. Environmentalists like to whine about trees being cut down there, or something.
- Brazil (the only country in South America), is a primitive Banana Republic whose capital is Buenos Aires. Like all Mexicans, they speak Spanish and all have brown skin. They live in jungles villages full of monkeys, snakes and drug dealers. Men wear big sombreros and ponchos, take long naps in the middle of the street and drink tequila. Women walk around naked showing their well-trimmed pubic hair and dance flamenco. Olé!
- Asia is just China and Japan. Though there isn't that big of a difference between them. Japan makes electronics and anime, China makes toys tainted with lead paint. It's covered in jungle and bamboo, and populated by pandas, tigers, and people in those funny flat round hats with the point in the middle of them. If you were to dig straight down through the Earth you would end up in China, no matter where you start digging. Everyone knows karate there, and rarely does a day go by where some karate riot doesn't break out in a city where there are two rival martial arts schools. At least until Godzilla arrives and destroys everyone.
- In Australia, the land is populated by aborigines, kangaroos, koalas, alligators, Tasmanian Devils, poisonous tarantulas and scorpions, maybe the occasional giant bird, and plenty of other creatures that can't wait to kill you. Besides the aborigines you've got rugged outback men who don't call anything less than a 12-inch dagger a knife, say "G'day mate" a lot, eat
shrimp off the barbie, and enjoy harassing the deadly creatures that populate the continent. The terrain consists of the barren outback, maybe a rainforest here and there, but watch out for any evil pollution spirits trapped in the trees. And apparently the word for 'beer' in the local tongue is 'Foster's'. Fosters is a delightful and refreshing drink and not brewed from powered aluminium.
- Antarctica is that really long white strip of land you see at the bottom of the map, with ice, snow, penguins and polar bears. Otherwise its not too interesting, a lot of maps don't even show it, and it's not surprising. Its main landmark is a big red and white striped pole sticking out of the ground with a sign on it that says "The South Pole". It matches The North Pole, except that Santa doesn't live there.
- Greenland is at the North Pole, and Santa lives there.
- The American Midwest is incredibly cold, all the time. Even at low altitudes in the summer. Everyone in the Midwest is a white supremacist, and the poorest people in the Midwest vote Republican while the richest people vote Democrat.
- The American South is full of racist, banjo picking, inbred hillbillies who either rape or shoot foreigners that they "don't take too kindly to 'round these parts". Deliverance might as well be a documentary.
- Canada is that northern piece of wilderness somewhere above America, eh, where it's always cold and snowing and the trees bleed maple syrup. The locals, where the country is populated at all, consist of Natives, people who are oddly polite and a couple of strange French guys. It's main exports are the aforementioned syrup, flannel (mostly in plaid), small Mountie figurines and hokey sticks (which are harvested annually from the same trees that the syrup comes from), and its main industries are various kinds of woodwork and igloo-craft. The sole religion practiced is also Hokey, which all young children are given a thorough education in, beginning at birth (or earlier, if parents can manage it). The country has no military forces to speak of, nor has it ever had them, or even weapons, except for snowballs (and icicles, but you need a license for those).
- Half of the mountains have a spiral path going up the mountain.
- All deserted islands can only be found in tropical regions.
- Eastern Standard Time is the only legitimate time zone, because New York and Washington DC use it.
- Parts Unknown exists and has many suburbs, including, just to start, "Dudleyville", "The Bottomless Pit", and "The Iron Gates of Fate". The Prototype, however, was too awesome for just one community, and had to leave "Classified" for Area 51. Similarly, the Shark left "Tsunami" for "The Great Barrier Reef." That said, some of these communities are nicer than others. For example, "Nastyville"'s tourism and real estate bureaus were both defunded years ago, and "Emerald City" and "The Diamond Mine" aren't doing much better. Oddly, many graduates of its fine educational system have tended to migrate to Philadelphia. "Deepest Darkest Africa" and"Pepperland" are doing better. Sadly, though, the mayor of "Circus City" recently passed away, and the town may never recover.
- "You know where you are?/You're in the jungle baby/You're gonna die!"
- "All the old paintings on the tombs/They do the sand dance, don'cha know/If they move too quick (Oh-Way-Oh)/They're falling down like a domino"
- "All this chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter 'bout/Shmatta, shmatta, shmatta -- I can't give it away on 7th Avenue"
- "Iran -- Numbair Vun! Russia -- Numbair Vun! USA -- *hakk-PTUU!*"
- Every country represented on your map really is that color: For example, The United States is pastel purple while Canada really is pastel green.
- Between the dawn of time to about 1492, nothing really interesting happened. And even then, things were still pretty boring until the 20th century.
- Except for when dinosaurs existed. They're awesome.
- Everything that has ever happened in the history of mankind is the result of a Government Conspiracy.
- Julius Caesar, Leonardo Da Vinci, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Karl Marx, Susan B. Anthony, Napoleon Bonaparte, Gloria Steinem, and any other revelant historical figures you can think of were all the same immortal being.
- Aliens taught humans everything they know, and built every ancient monument ever.
- Ancient Japan was the battleground for many conflicts involving large antagonistic crustaceans.
- Until everyone attacked their weak point for massive damage.
- Also, every day there was a dramatic showdown between two samurai. On days when there weren't samurai fights there were awesome ninja fights.
- Napoleon was a short, dead dude. Ceasar was a salad dressing dude. And Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
- History stops being interesting, noteworthy or worth studying once you get past World War II. This is because World War 2 was the only interesting historical event to happen ever.
- If you must know, World War I was just a bunch of British soldiers fighting evil proto-Nazi Germans in some trench in France (who surrendered as soon as the war began), and they probably would have lost if America didn't rescue them. One wonders why they call it a world war.
- World War II started when the
Japanese Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, which made America angry enough to finally bail out England and those cowardly Frenchies, beat Germany and get rid of Those Wacky Nazis, and nuke Japan (which was something they totally had coming), and pretty much save the day. After that everyone in the victorious countries had babies, who grew up to be ungrateful hippies.
- The Grand Duchess Anastasia Romanov survived the Russian Revolution, but lost her memory. Rasputin was condemned to be an undead corpse because as long as she lived his curse on the Romanovs was incomplete.
- The Holocaust was the only genocide ever, in all of history. Any other group that claims to have suffered genocide actually just one day decided to peacefully leave the area where they lived for hundreds of years without a complaint, and now their descendants just want money.
- George Washington never told a lie, and Thanksgiving was a wonderful moment of friendship between whites and Native Americans. How could thousands of 1st grade plays be wrong?
- Segregation started up very suddenly in the 1950's, but only in Alabama and Mississippi. It was quickly ended by the Civil Rights movement. When Martin Luther King Jr. gave his "I Have a Dream" speech, that was the end of racism, forever.
- The Americas were visited by all sorts of visitors, from ancient Greece and Rome to the Middle East to West Africa to China to Atlantis to extraterrestrials. These people gave the locals their culture.
- Since natives of North and South America such as the Aztecs and Incas couldn't possibly have been advanced enough to have built all their pyramids and monuments due to their lack of European-ness, they had Egyptians, aliens and Atlanteans help them.
- The Titanic set sail in 1912, carrying with it an anachronistic rapping dog and talking, singing mice. Almost everyone survived its sinking.
- According to other eyewitness accounts, the Titanic and everyone on board were saved thanks to the efforts of talking mice and a giant octopus. And it was deliberately run into an ice berg by evil whale poachers.
- Most of humanity's technological achievements came from crashed spacecraft.
- The global video game industry was utterly destroyed in 1983, and nothing was developed until Super Mario Bros.. But that doesn't matter, because there were no games before that apart from Pong, Q*bert and Pac-Man.
- The first pirates were a bunch of parrot fanciers from the West Country.
- Everyone thought the world was flat and consisted only of Europe for a long time. Then came Columbus, who sailed off specifically to prove the world was round. The whole "trade route to India" thing was nonsense.
- Likewise, everyone was a geocentrist until Galileo Figaro Magnificooooooooo.
- Ponce De Leon really wanted to find the Fountain of Youth in Florida. He totally wasn't trying to find natives to enslave or anything.
- Everyone used to be able to fly. Then Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity and ruined all the fun.
- In The Fifties, no matter where you were you could always hear "Mr. Sandman" playing in the background.
- Disney movies are completely historically accurate. They may as well be documentaries.
- Before the late sixties, everything was in black and white.
- In England before the 20th Century, society consisted of the servants, who weren't worth talking about, the workers, who frequently died in industrial mills and down people's chimneys, and the rich, who spent the entirety of their days at music recitals, reading intellectual books and getting their daughters married to young, rich, handsome men (this is a truth universally acknowledged).
- Alternative acceptable careers were inventor, who pretty much made everything good in the modern world, and explorer.
- Button Gwinnett, the 2nd signer of the Declaration of Independence, was actually a robot. He currently resides in the basement of the National Archives.
- "Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. The Statue was a gift from French citizens and has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere."
- The Founding Fathers all held the same opinions, those opinions from the 1700s matter to this very day, and they all agree with your interpretation of the Constitution.
- The American colonies rebelled against England because England was evil. From the moment America won its independence, England became a puny, weak nation in constant need of America to rescue it from the Germans.
- The American Civil War only happened because the North thought slavery was bad, and every single citizen of the North wanted the South to abolish it.
- Trish Stratus was the first woman wrestler ever. What's all this talk about the Fabulous Moolah winning the WWE Women's Title back in 1956? Ok, yeah, sure there may have been women's wrestling matches years ago, but those women weren't Divas. Trish Stratus was the first Diva. We've never even heard of anyone named "Sable" or "Chyna", and what's this nonsense about someone named "Sunny" being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame? Before Trish was inducted? Impossible. Or that Terri Runnels introduced the word Divas into WWE's lexicon back in 1999? Hell, Trish wasn't even with the company at that time, so that could not have happened. That's enough, you are banned from commenting on this website until you agree to toe the party line.
- It's OK for Triple H to have slept his way to the top and for him to pull all kinds of strings backstage, and for his friends Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels to sometimes hog the camera and be or have been uncooperative, unprofessional Jerkasses because they aren't John Cena, who sucks and who can't wrestle and whose TV debut match was the beginning of the "PG Era" even though he lost, and we need to go back to the Attitude Era when there were no kids in the audience.
- "WHO'S BETTER THAN KANYON? NOBODY!"
- Women are all 90-60-90 cm unless they're old, and even then... Also, there's going to be upward wind every time you wear a skirt. Expect your shirt to rip very often and your cleavage to show accidentally in many situations. By all means, wear a skirt (preferably a sailor fuku) to beat up a villain with karate or kung-fu.
- Smooth jazz is played in the background everytime somebody has sex.
- When you grow up, you'll marry your mom.
- That horrible girl who keeps bullying you is secretly in love with you.
- Only men are capable of sexual discrimination.
- Similarly, only whites are capable of racism.
- Bisexuals only occur in large herds.
- It's just a phase. Experimenting in high school is fine, by all means, but, be warned, when you go back to men, the girl you broke up with will try to kill you or your manly boyfriend. But don't worry, there's no penalty if you kill her first.
- Gay men only have sex anally. Also, you can get AIDS even from masturbating with another guy. But if you both claim to be straight and have sex, then you cannot transfer AIDS to your partner.
- Men being raped is perfectly acceptable. First off, it's impossible for a male to be raped by a female. Besides, shouldn't they enjoy it? If the male happens to be underage, well, isn't he a lucky kid? And of course when it's male on male it's just funny.
- Of course you won't get pregnant if it's your first time. That's impossible.
- A girl can get pregnant just from being in the same swimming pool with a man.
- If you keep watching cartoons after a certain age, you will become a pedophile.
- Only men are pedophiles. And if an adult male who you've never met before so much as glances at your child, he must be a pedophile. But if you know him well, he's completely safe.
- The age of consent is 18 everywhere. Except in Japan, where there is none.
- Justified, since there is no consentual sex in Japan anyway.
- Japanese women are all saving themselves for tentacle monsters anyway.
- A man must lose their virginity by age 14, or else they're a loser, or possibly gay. A woman should never lose their virginity until after they're married sometime in their thirties. But a man is supposed to lose their virginity with a woman.note
- Sex is all men ever think about. Women never think about sex.
- Unless they are bisexuals, in which case, they always think about it. With everyone.
- Masturbation will make you blind and crippled.
- At some point in your life, you will have to look around and decide if you want to be straight or gay. There's no experimentation, no wiggle room (in fact, stop looking for the wiggle room), and your sexuality is not out of your control unless you are a straight man around women in short skirts. You can choose wrong, but camps and therapy with 100% success rates exist to change your mind.
- When switching between TV channels, a static is briefly seen.
- Modern video games still sound just like arcade games from the early 80's.
- All factories have zigzag roofs and at least one big chimney.
- Boats and ships which are dry below the water level cannot be piloted as boats and ships which can be piloted, don't have any space below the water level.
- You can do anything with a computer as long as you type really really fast.
- 1.21 Gigawatts of plutonium is enough to send a car 30 years into the past if it is driving at 88 MPH and gets struck by lightning.
- The newest piece of technology, whether it be an iphone, computer, TV or game console, will be in style forever and will not ever be replaced by a newer model. So you should always buy the newest thing.
- VHS tapes had a horrible, grainy picture quality that you could barely see, and got warped if you so much as breathed on them wrong. None of them are playable today. DVDs were a million times better, but also have a horrible picture quality when compared to Blu-Ray, which has a better picture quality than reality itself.
- Similarly, audio cassettes would get eaten up the moment you placed them in a cassette deck and pressed play, spewing tape everywhere. CDs were better, but became unplayable the moment they got the slightest smudge on them. MP3s are the only worthwhile way to listen to music, they'll never come out with another music format.
- The Sega Genesis had Blast Processing, and did what Nintendon't.
- Video games directly influence young people's behavior. So while playing fighting games and first-person shooters can turn children and teens into homicidal maniacs, platformers like Sonic the Hedgehog and Super Mario cause them to jump on people's heads, or consume potentially poisonous mushrooms/obsessively collect gold rings, which is almost as bad. For this reason, video games are evil.