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Literature / Bailey School Kids

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The Adventures of the Bailey School Kids (or simply The Bailey School Kids) is a series of children's chapter books co-authored by Marcia T. Jones and Debbie Dadey. It revolves around a group of third-grade kids who are convinced that people around them are monsters. In each story, the kids meet an adult who shows signs of being some mythical being.

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    Contains the following titles: 
  1. Vampires Don't Wear Polka Dots
  2. Werewolves Don't Go to Summer Camp
  3. Santa Claus Doesn't Mop Floors
  4. Leprechauns Don't Play Basketball
  5. Ghosts Don't Eat Potato Chips
  6. Frankenstein Doesn't Plant Petunias
  7. Aliens Don't Wear Braces
  8. Genies Don't Ride Bicycles
  9. Pirates Don't Wear Pink Sunglasses
  10. Witches Don't Do Back Flips
  11. Skeletons Don't Play Tubas
  12. Cupid Doesn't Flip Hamburgers
  13. Gremlins Don't Chew Bubble Gum
  14. Monsters Don't Scuba Dive
  15. Zombies Don't Play Soccer
  16. Dracula Doesn't Drink Lemonade
  17. Elves Don't Wear Hard Hats
  18. Martians Don't Take Temperatures
  19. Gargoyles Don't Drive School Buses
  20. Wizards Don't Need Computers
  21. Mummies Don't Coach Softball
  22. Cyclops Doesn't Roller-Skate
  23. Angels Don't Know Karate
  24. Dragons Don't Cook Pizza
  25. Bigfoot Doesn't Square Dance
  26. Mermaids Don't Run Track
  27. Bogeymen Don't Play Football
  28. Unicorns Don't Give Sleigh Rides
  29. Knights Don't Teach Piano
  30. Hercules Doesn't Pull Teeth
  31. Ghouls Don't Scoop Ice Cream
  32. Phantoms Don't Drive Sports Cars
  33. Giants Don't Go Snowboarding
  34. Frankenstein Doesn't Slam Hockey Pucks
  35. Trolls Don't Ride Roller Coasters
  36. Wolfmen Don't Hula Dance
  37. Goblins Don't Play Video Games
  38. Ninjas Don't Bake Pumpkin Pie
  39. Dracula Doesn't Rock & Roll
  40. Sea Monsters Don't Ride Motorcycles
  41. The Bride of Frankenstein Doesn't Bake Cookies
  42. Robots Don't Catch Chicken Pox
  43. Vikings Don't Wear Wrestling Belts
  44. Ghosts Don't Ride Wild Horses
  45. Wizards Don't Wear Graduation Gowns
  46. Sea Serpents Don't Juggle Water Balloons
  47. Frankenstein Doesn't Start Food Fights
  48. Dracula Doesn't Play Kickball
  49. Werewolves Don't Run For President
  50. The Abominable Snowman Doesn't Roast Marshmallows
  51. Dragons Don't Throw Snowballs

The franchise provides examples of:

  • Aesop Amnesia: The characters take turns between believing a character is supernatural, considering it unlikely, and teasing their friends for considering it, depending on the book. This becomes particularly egregious when a character who was convinced their science teacher was a sea monster in the last book sneers at their friend for thinking the cashier at a restaurant is a mummy in the next.
  • Agent Mulder: Liza is almost always the one to suggest that someone is a supernatural creature.
  • Agent Scully: Eddie is consistently the most doubtful of the group, making him official Scully. Melody also usually takes more convincing than the others.
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  • Alien Invasion: What the kids believe Ms. Zork's plan is. Turns out she's stealing the world's color to take to her own planet.
  • Aliens Speaking English: Ms. Zork speaks perfect, albeit broken, English.
  • Almighty Janitor: Regardless of whether or not he's Santa, Mr. Jolly is clearly this.
  • Artistic License – Physics: Frankenstien Doesn't Plant Petunias has the kids making shaped bubbles, including stars and cubes. Soap bubbles are spherical no matter what, because surface tension draws them into the tightest possible grouping of molecules-a sphere.
  • Bizarre Alien Biology: Ms. Zork drains color by touching it.
  • Black Best Friend: Melody
  • Blunt Metaphors Trauma: Ms. Zork doesn't pick up on any slang whatsoever.
    Eddie: If that's a kiln, I'm a monkey's uncle.
    Ms. Zork: Do not be silly. You look nothing like a monkey.
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  • The Cameo: Numerous one-time characters from the other books appear in the illustrations in Bogeymen Don't Play Football, cheering in the stand.
  • Carpet of Virility: Mr. Jenkins is characterized by this.
  • Classical Movie Vampire: Mrs. Jeepers shows every sign of this, being a very suave and ladylike, and even bearing a widow's peak, her Eastern European accent, her air for the dramatic when she's not being calm and menacing, and her outdated clothes.
    • Although, in the book we meet her family in, they're peasants (farmers who lost a bet and are only allowed to harvest at night) instead of upper-middle nobility (counts).
  • Defanged Horrors
  • Does Not Like Shoes: Mr. Jenkins avoids wearing shoes, until his cabin is filled with wolfsbane, at which point he puts shoes on.
  • Does This Remind You of Anything?: Although it may not have stood out in 1990, when Vampires Don't Wear Polka Dots was published, modern vampire mythology often puts them into a sexual context, making one wonder what Mrs. Jeepers did to Eddie in the last chapter.
  • Epileptic Flashing Lights: Ms. Zonk's spaceship suffers from this when Howie and Eddie tamper with it.
  • Evil Albino: Mrs. Zork from Aliens Don't Wear Braces. She's implied to be an alien on a mission to steal color from Earth and bring it to her monochromatic home planet.
  • Expy: The Pizza parlor from Dragons Don't Cook Pizza is one of the Medieval Times restaurant chain.
  • Flying Saucer: What Ms. Zonk's race travels in, although she refers to them as "interplanetary transportation systems".
  • Funetik Aksent: Averted with Mrs. Jeepers; she is said to have a thick accent, but it does not translate into text.
  • Funny Foreigner: Ms. Zork. How far away her home is is debatable.
  • Girlish Pigtails: Melody is always drawn with twintails, sometimes wearing a ponytail or braids within the story.
  • Haunted House: The Clancy House, which Ms. Jeepers moves into in the first book, is described as this by the students.
  • Human Aliens: Ms. Zork, modeled after the fabled Nordic Aliens, with white hair and ivory skin.
    • Mr. Sparks and Nurse Redding also apply, but have implied alien features "antennae and green skin, respectively."
    • Rubber-Forehead Aliens: Arguable. Eddie immediately notices Ms. Zonk's silver hair, but none of the adults comment on it, so it might not be that notable.
  • Hypnotic Eyes: Mrs. Jeepers' eyes flash green when she hypnotizes Eddie.
  • Idiosyncratic Episode Naming: Each book features a title "<Insert Supernatural Creature Here> does not <Insert Mundane Task Uncharacteristic to Said Creature Here>".
  • Informed Flaw: In Werewolves Don't Go To Summer Camp, Liza is described as "plump" and "chubby" a few times, despite this never being mentioned or seen in any books or pictures.
  • Jerkass > Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Eddie, who is originally described as the school bully, often comes off as this.
  • Karma Houdini: Howie and Eddie break into Ms. Zonk's house and tamper with her "kiln" (which they believe is a spaceship, resulting in an explosion that destroys her house. Ms. Zonk moves away and the the boys are never charged for their crimes.
  • Lame Comeback: Eddie is prone to these.
  • Love Potion: Cupid Doesn't Flip Hamburgers has the kids believe the new lunch lady is making people fall in love with heart-shaped sugar cookies.
  • Magitek: One book heavily implies a dragon is being used to fire a pizza oven.
  • Maybe Magic, Maybe Mundane: The books rarely come to a concrete conclusion over whether someone is or is not the creature the kids think they are.
  • The Mole: Allegedly, a vampire infiltrated the leprechauns' kingdom as the teacher of their children in order to take back the gem they stole and seal them in Ireland. It's heavily implied that Mrs. Jeepers was this vampire.
  • Monster of the Week
  • Mystical White Hair: Ms. Zork, although it turns blonde towards the end of the book.
  • Non-Fatal Explosions: When Ms. Zork's "kiln" (implied to be a spaceship) blows up, it's explicitly stated that she was not hurt, even though her house is so heavily damaged that she has to move away.
  • Oireland: "Magic" O'Grady's nationality. Howie's grandmother also hails from there.
  • Our Monsters Are Different (Depending on whether you believe that the characters are monsters or not.)
    • Our Vampires Are Different: Mrs. Jeepers is clearly able to go out in the sunlight (which vampires in the original legends were able to do, although it's implied to have something to do with her brooch), but has an allergy to garlic and is shown to be able to hypnotize people. It's implied that she sleeps in a coffin and can feed off people.
    • Our Werewolves Are Different: Mr. Jenkins is shown to turn into a hairy humanoid on nights surrounding the full moon, and prefers raw meat in human form. Exposure to wolfsbane causes him to turn far less hairy, looking just like an ordinary person at all times.
    • Our Santa Claus Is Different: Mr. Jolly is shown to have magical abilities, visits a different school every year to check on the local kids, and drives a red sports car with the license place reading "HOHOHO".
    • Our Leprechauns Are Different: Mr. O'Grady uses lucky charms to perform magic, is confined to Oireland due to the vampires stealing his people's magic gem.
    • Our Ghosts Are Different: Eddie's Great-Uncle Jasper is confined to the attic of his widow's house and invisible most of the time, although he can make himself visible briefly, and interact with things like potato chips.
    • Our Frankenstein Is Different: Frankenstein's Monster gets a Setting Update to be alive in the '90s, now going by the name Frank. He is capable of full speech and has a friendly relationship with his creator, who introduces himself as Dr. Victor.
    • Our Aliens Are Different: Ms. Zork is a Nordic Alien, and comes from a planet with no color, but is able to absorb color through touch. Her spaceship stores this color, and it's inferred that she will take the color back to her home planet. Mr. Sparks is an alien from the planet Liron, who seeks candy to fuel his spaceship.
    • Our Goblins Are Different: Apparently goblins are plump middle aged men who teach computer classes, play video games that resemble Castlevania and Ghosts 'n Goblins, and are Neat Freaks.
  • Positive Discrimination: Melody is the only black character in the main cast, and she's also the bravest, most polite, and most reasonable of the group. She is often pitted against Eddie, who is a red-head.
  • Sassy Black Woman: Melody, in spades.
  • Sealed Evil in a Can: Although not evil so much as tricksters, the leprechauns were confined to Oireland by the vampires.
  • Self-Plagiarism: An entire page was reused whenever the character Howie visited his dad at the Federal Aerospace Technology Station, depicting their entrance and the facility itself.
  • Shown Their Work: In Frankenstein Doesn't Plant Petunias, Liza gives a surprisingly good summary of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, avoiding most of the misinformation that has been engrained in the public's minds after the movie. The only one mentioned is the angry mob at the climax, and Frankenstein's fear of fire, both of which are actually plot points.
    • It should be noted, however, that Frank's creator is Dr. Victor, whereas his creator in the novel is not a doctor at all, although his first name is Victor.
  • Significant Green-Eyed Redhead: Mrs. Jeepers is described as having pumpkin orange hair and, of course, those infamous hypnotic green eyes.
  • Stern Teacher: Mrs. Jeepers
  • Take Our Word for It: Whatever Mrs. Jeepers did to Eddie in the first book is briefly explained in the beginning of the second: Mrs. Jeepers scolded Eddie.
  • Tastes Like Feet: Eddie's reaction to Howie's favorite flavor of potato chip (garlic) is that it "tastes like warthog".
  • Title Drop: Once a book. Almost - It's absent in Werewolves Don't Go To Summer Camp, though that could be chalked up to Early Installment Weirdness.
  • Token Minority: Melody
  • True Meaning of Christmas: The ending to Santa Claus Doesn't Mop Floors.
  • Vampire Episode: the books "Vampires Don't Wear Polka Dots", "Dracula Doesn't Drink Lemonade", "Dracula Doesn't Rock and Roll", "Dracula Doesn't Play Kickball", "Vampires DO Hunt Marshmallows", "Vampire Trouble", and "Vampire Baby".
  • Vampire Vords: Somewhat averted in that she's said to have a realistic Romanian accent, rather than the exaggerated one that comes with the trope.
  • Villainous Widow's Peak: Mrs. Jeepers
  • White-Skinned Space Babe: Ms. Zork is quite a looker, particularly in the interior artwork.
  • Who's Laughing Now?: The kids last teacher before Mrs. Jeepers quit because of Eddie's pranks, but before she did, she warned the kids that they were going to be sorry before letting out a cackle.
  • Wolf Man: Between the descriptions and the illustrations, Mr. Jenkins is probably something like this.
  • You Know the One: Referring to Mr. Jolly as "SC" feels particularly unnatural after a while.

Example of: