Funny moments from DBZ Abridged. WARNING: You might be here a while.
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DBZ Abridged - Episodes 1- 10
All of the farmer's lines, despite the fact that he only has about 4 of them in the entire series.
Farmer: (notices spaceship crash on his farm in the distance) OH GOD NO, MY MARIJUANA PATCH! I mean uhhh, my carrot patch. Uh... YEAH. (approaches crashed spaceship) Guess I'll do what any sensible Middle American would do in this situation (pulls out rifle): GIT MAH GUN!
Spaceship: Hello and welcome to Earth: with open bar.
Farmer: (Notices Raditz getting out of his ship bathed in blue light) HOLY CRAP, IT'S SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! Oh wait, no... It’s an alien! HOLY S***, IT'S AN ALIEN!
Raditz: Finally, on this dead plan... (notices teeming wildlife) wait... what the crap? Did Kakarot screw this up? Oh, goddamnit! I knew we should have sent Turles.
Farmer: (thinking) I better think of something cool to say to make him stop (cocks gun, then shouting) HEY YOU! (thinking again) Genius, farmer... Genius.
Raditz: Aw, look at him! He thinks he's people. What's your power level, little human? Five, huh?
Farmer: (shoots) PROTECT ME, GUN!
Raditz: (catches the bullet) Hey! No! Bad human! (flicks it back)
Voice: We here at Team Four Star do not condone child violence. We do, however, find it hilarious.
After Goku's death, Master Roshi says that his sacrifice was not in vain and that it stopped a great evil. As he says that everyone's lives can return to peace, Nappa and Vegeta are heard over Raditz scouter:
Nappa: Guy-who's-as-strong-as-a-saibaman says "what?" (beat) That usually gets to him. I think he's dead, Vegeta. Vegeta: Big shocker! Nobody cares! We're ten times stronger than him anyway! We'll go to Earth, find the dragonballs and kill everyone! And we'll be there within the year or so! Depending on filler, of course! Nappa: Aaaanything else we need to go over, Vegeta? Vegeta: ...Nope. That's about it. (conversation ends) Master Roshi:Well...Fu—(Hard Cut to intro)
King Yemma: And not just any mahogany! But mahogany from the planet of Malchior 7! Where the trees are 300 feet tall and breathe fire! From these trees this desk was forged 2,000 years ago, using ancient blood rituals of the ancient Malchior people! Not only does this make my desk nigh indestructible, but it can bend the fabric of the universe itself! Also, it's a very fine material. Very expensive.
Goku: Have you guys seen my brother Raditz around here? Spiky hair...tail?
Mez: Ach, yes, he made a horrible mess of ze blood fountain.
Goku: Looks fine to me.
Goz: IT USED TO BE WATER!
The first time Mr. Popo speaks.
Popo: Alright maggots, listen up. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order: it goes you, the dirt, the worms inside the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami; and Popo. Any questions? Krillin: Uh, yeah, I- (cut to outside shot of lookout as sounds of fighting can be heard, followed by a black dot falling off said lookout) AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! [Krillin Owned Count: 3] Popo: Enjoy the climb back up, bitch! Any more questions? (silence) Good. Then we can begin.
Meanwhile, Back in episode 5,
Guru: Nail... Nail!
Nail: What is it, Lord Guru?
Guru: I saw a fish. That is all. Go back outside now.
Nail: (thinking) Oh God, this is so horribly dull. I sure hope something happens, I don't care what it is!
Nail: (obviously angry) WHAT!
Guru: I saw a bird. It was pretty. Kick its ass.
Piccolo's destruction of the moon being reported on in the news.
Krillin: HEY! Stop treating me like a joke dammit! I've got a new technique—which I probably could've used earlier and maybe saved all of our friends' lives—but that's beside the point! (charging a disc of energy in his hand) Get ready for my destructo disc!
Piccolo: (barely alive) Laaame.
Krillin: Now, take THIS! (throws the disc at an angle, where it grinds across the ground before heading towards Nappa and Vegeta)
Nappa: Oooh! A frisbee Vegeta!
Vegeta: Nappa, no! It's a trick!
Nappa: But Vegeta... tricks are for kids.
Vegeta: ... You know what, Nappa? On second thought, catch it. Catch it with your teeth.
Nappa: Yay, like a doggy! (gets cut by the disc, which rebounds towards a small mountain) Ow!
Ricola guy: Riiicola— (disc explodes, cutting off the mountain's top half') Oh goddammit! (mountain half falls and breaks into pieces)
Gohan snaps for the first time:
Gohan: TAKE THAT, YOU INSUFFERABLE F**KING SIMPLETON!!
Goku asks Nappa and Vegeta who caused the deaths of his friends:
Nappa: That was me, totally calling it. I killed every single one of them. Except the Chiaotzu. He blew himself up!
Team Four Star presents their version of one of the most famous Memetic Mutations in anime history:
Nappa: Vegeta! What does the scouter say about his power level?! Vegeta: It's... one thousand and six. Nappa: ...Really? Vegeta: Yeah. Kick his ass, Nappa! Nappa: Yaaaaay! [Nappa gets his ass handed to him by Goku.] Nappa: (while Vegeta is delivering the below lines) That doesn't bend that way! MY ARM DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY! (*snap*) Aaw, now it does! Vegeta: Hmmm... that doesn't seem right... wait, wait, wait wait! Nappa! Nappa: (collapses at Vegeta's feet) Whaaaaat?! Vegeta: I had the Scouter upside down. It's Over Nine Thousand. (calmly crushes Scouter) Rah. Nappa: Why do you sound so bored?! Vegeta: Because he's still not a threat. Nappa: But— Vegeta: To me.
Nappa: Vegeta, look! I'm a-firin' my BLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!
This episode ends with a surprisingly understated (yet hysterical) moment where Vegeta finally kills Nappa for his unrelenting stupidity at exactly nine minutes and eighteen seconds. His reaction is a simple smile.
Vegeta after Nappa dies:
Vegeta: (Laughs maniacally) HE'S GONE! HE'S FINALLY GONE! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW, I MIGHT NOT EVEN SLAUGHTER YOU ALL!!
Vegeta: (Laughter dies down) Oh no, you are all thoroughly screwed.
Vegeta gets a replacement idiot.
Goku: Are you okay in there?
Vegeta: Yeah, I'm fan-f***ing-tastic. Nothing but gumdrops and ice cream in here.
How about this one when Oozaru Gohan fights Vegeta:
Goku: Gohan, this is daddy. I know you're angry right now but you have to focus your anger. R-remember Icarus? (shows Icarus and explosion) *Gohan has an angered expression* (Camera shows Vegeta) He did it. *Gohan SCREAMS in anger*
Vegeta: Well that's bulls***! I haven't killed a damn thing since I came to this godforsaken planet. (Looks at camera) Not from lack of trying, mind you.
But the crowning moment of them all came at the very end of the first season as a throwaway gag. "GHOST NAPPA!" According to an interview from the Daizenshuu EX podcast, that joke was apparently planned almost from the beginning, making pretty much the entire first season a set-up to get to that punchline. Hence the name of the finale "The Punchline".
Vegeta, at the end of episode 10, comes across an old friend, much to his horror,
Random Guy in Crowd: Thank god, I thought he meant penis!
Krillin receiving the weakened spirit bomb.
Goku: Krillin, come here. I have something to give you.
Krillin: Your last will and testament?
Goku: No, it's energy from the entire world. It's our last hope.
Krillin: And you’re giving it to me?
Goku: I'm kind of out of options.
(Goku gives Krillin the spirit bomb)
Krillin: "Holy crap! So this is what being important feels like!"
And then he muses on the Spirit Bomb.
Krillin: (thinking) Wow! Such power, from every living being on the planet. I can feel it all surging inside of me. Every man, woman, and child. This, this is Earth's very essence! beat(out loud) BOO-YAH, MOTHER-F*CKER! (throws it)
DBZ Abridged - Episodes 11- 20
Gohan's extreme calling out to his mother, Chi-Chi in episode 11:
Chi-Chi: Well, all I know is that my little boy isn't going anywhere.
Gohan: Actually... Mom... I'm going to Namek.
Chi-Chi: (strained) As... I... Said. My little boy (now angry) ISN'T... GOING... ANYWHERE!!
Gohan: But, mom! Piccolo died for me! It's my responsibility!
Chi-Chi: Gohan, I am your mother! And as your mother, you will listen to me and you will do as I say!
Gohan: But that's not...
Chi-Chi: Did you carry around a baby in you for nine months... WITH A MAN WHO LITERALLY THOUGHT YOU HAD CINNA-BUNS HIDDEN IN YOUR SHIRT?!
Gohan: But I...
Chi-Chi: Now you are going to lay in this hospital bed! Recover like a normal boy! And then, you're going right back to your advanced trig classes, AND THAT IS THE LAST WE WILL...!
Chi-Chi: (calm, too) You'd best. (slams door as she leaves the hospital)
Everything Mr. Popo says in episode 11.
Goku's failed attempt at borrowing Popo's magic flying carpet.
Mr. Popo: "MAKIN' TOAST! [...] BUTTERIN' TOAST!"
Season 2 gives us Goku's reaction to Popo.
Mr. Popo's explanation for why simply shouting his name makes the spaceship do whatever he wants it to do at the time.
Mr. Popo: It just knows better.
Turns out it works for everyone else too.
Krillin's inner monologue at the start of the episode:
Krillin: Krillin's Log, stardate...uh...November 28th. We've been flying for two weeks now, and I'm starting to feel very tensed up. Not just for being trapped on the ship of course, but from Bulma walking around in nothing but her underwear! I would relieve this tension, but I've had no alone time SINCE THE TOILET KEEPS SCREAMING AT ME!! I'm not sure how much longer I can last...
Narrator: A new evil has revealed its face. Who are these mysterious enemies, and do Gohan and Krillin stand a chance? The answers to these questions will be revealed... right now. Zarbon, Dodoria, Freeza, and Oh My, No.
Oh, the joke goes much farther than that. Originally, in order to avoid being caught by Dodoria, Krillin pretends to be a space duck by yelling "Quack!" over and over. After being caught, he yells a parting quack as he and Gohan take Dende away. Much later on, Goku arrives on Namek. As he goes on about the planet's beauty and splendor, he hears Krillin's anguished cries of pain... and thinks it's a space duck. He only catches on to the plight when Krillin gives out a pathetic "Quack".
When Freeza appears after Porunga is summoned, Krillin tries to fool him into believing he is a Space Duck... While he's standing directly in front of Freeza.
Freeza: Well Vegeta, you've finally pulled it off. You've managed to dash my hopes entirely... With some help, I see...
Gohan: Krillin, seriously not helping.
Krillin: I can try...
Every response from Freeza and co. when the Namekian villagers did something to anger them.
Namekian Elder: "Why are you here? Why are you killing our people?"
Freeza: "Well I was just in the neighborhood, thought this was a lovely place for a summer home- Oh what the f*** do you think I'm here for!?"
Guru: I have a bitch of an itch on my left ass chee...[sees Krillin] Naaaaaail. There is an albino Namekian in here. Kill it like the rest.
Krillin: Actually sir, I'm from Earth.
Guru: ...Kill it like the rest.
Guru: [Take the Dragon Ball]. Just don't steal the TV.
Nail: Sir, we... we don't have a television.
Guru: ...Naaaaail. Gather the rest of the Dragon Balls and wish for a plasma TV.
Nail: Sir, that would be a grievous misuse of their power.
Guru: I'm about to misuse my hand upside your heeeeaaaad!
Guru: So, the son of Katat has passed. Unfortunate.
Krillin: We just called him 'Kami'.
Guru: Oh, so he calls himself 'God'. Pretentious prick. Nail.
Guru: I shall henceforth be known as: Super Kami.
Nail: Yes, Super Kami.
Guru: No, wait- Super Kami Guru.
Nail: Can I just call you Guru for short?
Guru: Super Kami Guru allows this.
Krillin: Aw, you made a friend, Little Green? Oh, I know, I'm gonna call you "Big Green"!
Nail: Call me that again and I'll snap your neck.
Krillin: With that attitude, I don't think you should be friends with him, Little Green.
Nail: Listen, I don't care where you come from or who you are, I will not put up with such disrespe-
Guru: BIG GREEEEN! Get in here...
Nail: (irritated) Oh, good... goddamnit!
From episode 17:
Vegeta: I've got a lovely bunch of dragon balls, dodododoodo, here they are all sitting in a bunch, do doo do. One Star, Two Star, all as big as my head! Give em a toss, a planet across, that's how Vegeta wins BU-BYE!
And after that, him hiding in the water, complete with submarine noises:
This scene, especially the expressions Zarbon and Freeza have at the end of it.
Freeza:APPULE?! You left Appule here?!
Zarbon: Well I thought he could handle it!
Freeza: Appule couldn't handle a shot of raspberry schnapps, much less Vegeta!
King Kai's telepathic "call" to Goku.
King Kai: Hello Goku? Do you hear me? I swear to God, if this is George Takei again, I'm gonna shove a brick up the Verizon guy's ass!
Goku: King Kai?
King Kai then proceeds to order Goku to stay away from Freeza, warning him about his incredible power. Goku gets more and more excited about the prospect of fighting him until King Kai makes Goku promise not to do so.
Goku: Oh all right. I absolutely promise not to...click beeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
King Kai: What the-
Goku:...eeeeeeee *gasp* eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-
King Kai: He... he hung up on me! How the hell did he even do that?!? Damn it, I'll call him back! *dialing sounds* Goku, I swear to God I will ride your ass on this one!
Zarbon: In the healing tank. I always thought you needed to be nude.
Appule: Wh-... why would you think that?
Zarbon: You know, to... absorb all the healing... juices.
Zarbon: ...Well, it looks like you have everything under control here! (quickly takes his leave)
Appule: ...Freaks me the f*** out.
Guru telling Dende how old he is in the stinger:
Dende: Guru sir, I have a question.
Guru: Ask away.
Dende: You've been around for so long. Just how old are you?
Guru: I am this many. [doesn't move]
Dende: You didn't raise your hand.
Guru: THAT'S HOW OLD I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!
In episode 18: Vegeta discovers the Dragonball he hid away is missing. Thisirritateshim.
On that same note, the fact that his scream can be heard by Goku in space, King Yemma in the afterlife (who mistakes it for his ex-wife) and TRUNKS TWENTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE ON ANOTHER PLANET IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE.
Vegeta: God, I love it when a plan comes together! Took some time, effort, and lots of bodies, but now it's mine. Immortality is my bitch! Now, it should be right here...riiiight here... Where the hell is it? It couldn't have gone anywhere... All right, I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them up it's going to be right here- it's not here. Why isn't it here!? I don't get it! Who could've-?! The kid! But, how could he have found it, it was- Wait. That watch...that watch wasn't a watch at all! It was some kind of Dragon Ball locator! Which means...which means...!
Ghost Nappa: He took the Dragon Ball.
The whole "I need an adult" running gag:
Gohan: So, uh, can I help you?
Vegeta: (gently puts his hand on Gohan's face) No... But maybe I can help you.
Gohan: Uh... I need an adult...
Vegeta: I am an adult. (Knees him in the stomach)
Vegeta: By the way, I only hit you because I have pent up aggression against your father. Take that. (flies away)
Krillin: Gohan, I'll be getting you to Guru's now.
Gohan: What? Why?
Krillin: So the old man can touch you, and pull things out of you that you never knew you had.
Gohan: ...I need an adult?
Krillin: I am an adult.
Guru: Now, relax as I reach deep inside you and grab hold of your essence.
Gohan: I... need an adul-
Guru:I AM AN ADUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- (cuts away)
While it doesn't feature the "I need an adult" phrase, the joke leading up to it is pretty hilarious too.
Gohan: Mr. Guru, sir? My friend Krillin told me that you could help us by... touching me.
Krillin: (In response to why he didn't stop Vegeta from taking a Dragon Ball) I don't know! Maybe you could've bitched at him! How 'bout that? That's all you appear to be good for these days! Huh? Used your bitch fu on him? Bulma, the mistress of bitching, that's what they should call you!
After the Vegeta and Gohan scene:
Krillin: Seriously! Five ancient sages of bitchdom all gathered one day on the peaks of Mount Bitch to proclaim your birth! And a hundred years later, when all the bitch stars have aligned, you were born and made everybody's life around you a living hell, because YOU! ARE SUCH! A BITCH!
The long-awaited arrival of the Ginyu Force:
Vegeta: Besides Freeza, I'm the most powerful being on this planet! Bar none.
Guru: Heeeey. Just thought I'd let you all know I detect several high power levels approaching the planet.
When Vegeta regains his wits, Krillin blabs about Guru's ability to release untapped potential.
Vegeta: I'm gonna go pay him a... uh... what do you call it?
Krillin: A visit?
Vegeta: A beating! That's it! Gunna go pay him a beating.
The entire end of Episode 18, with Goku trying to think of what to drink.
Beer: No, it's too early to get crunk. Powerthirst: Ehh, energy drinks just don't do it for me anymore. Peanuts: Ha ha, I can't drink these, these are nuts! TFS Soda: This looks delicious! And it's high in Calcium! Team Four Star Soda!
Every time Guru shouts at Nail, especially when Nail is preparing to pulverize Vegeta.
Guru: Naaaaaail!!! Stop making out with your boyfriend! I can hear it from here! It sounds like (gagging and slurping noises)
Nail: (pissed) Thank you, lord Guru!
When Gohan arrives with Vegeta's Dragonball in episode 18:
Gohan: You guys, I think we should move to a new location.
Krillin: Why? What's wrong with this place?
Gohan: Because we have ten minutes before Vegeta finds out I stole this (Dragonball)
Krillin: (Terrified, high-pitched whimpering noises as Gohan smiles sweetly)
Bulma hating the fact that she's always getting abandoned on Namek.
Bulma: Oh no, no no no! I am not letting you abandon me here again! Those bitches on Lifetime might put up with it, but not me!
Krillin: Bulma, you're right. You have been very helpful and very patient with us. So in return...we'relettingyouwatchthedragonballbye! (He and Gohan fly off)
Bulma:I will kill you both in your sleep!
The Wheel of Death routine from episode 19. Even funnier because this is exactly what the Ginyu Force would do with enough time and preparation. Then there's Vegeta's reaction.
Vegeta: When did you have time to set this up?! Is- is that a camera? What kind of sadistic retard watches this crap?!
Vegeta Look at your men, now back to me, now look back at your men, now back to me. I am not your men! I'm flipping you off! Look at the ground, back to me. Where is the Dragonball? It's gone! I threw it! And there's not a damn thing you can- (Burter returns the Dragon Ball to Ginyu) Burter: Here you go, boss. Ginyu: Thank you, Burter. Burter: It's what I do! Vegeta: But... I... I chucked that son of a bitch as hard as I could! Burter: Oh, you can't beat my speed! I'm the fastest in the universe! Krillin:That's What She Said!
While Vegeta's spouting off various ways of saying they're going to die:
Super Kami Guru: Naaaaaaaiiillll! Slap him.
(Slap is heard)
Super Kami Guru: Thank you.
Even more hilarious from behind the scenes since both Krillin and Vegeta are voiced by the same guy.
Vegeta's reaction to Krillin deciding to call them "Team Three Star."
Vegeta: "Son of a gum-chewing funk monster! Why the fruit does all this funny stuff happen to me? Forget my life! Always surrounded by miserable failing clods! It's like this whole world just likes to bend me over and find me in the Alps! Like I'm some sort of shlock receptacle! Well as far as I care, these miserable cows can have a fancy barbecue, WITH A GODDAMN PIG!"
Ginyu: Jeice, do you MIND??
Jeice: Sorry captain, this scouter's acting a bit shonky.
Vegeta: Wrestling's fake. (boos and jeers - and a "you suck-diddly-uck") Oh, go to hell, all of you! And if it means getting this damn thing over with, then I'm just going to have to kill your ass! Now hit my music.
Episode 21, Jeice getting punched in the face over and over again is enough to make you fall down laughing.
Especially when he tries to think about what Ginyu said to do in that situation... only for Goku to punch him again mid-flashback. Jeice then holds his face and screams "Oh, he cut off the captain!"
Jeice can't rely on his squad mates either:
Jeice: Alright, you bastard! Prepare to face the wrath of the Ginyu For*punch* AHH! You goddamn wanker! You punched me right in the*punch* Ah, he did it again! *punch* Ahh! Stop it! Stop it! *punch* PISS!!! Oh... what would the captain do in this situation?! Ginyu: Jeice, if you ever find yourself being punched repeatedly in the face, always remember to*punch* Jeice: Oh, he cut off the captain! Goku: So, are you going to dodge any of these? Jeice: Ohhh, THAT'S what the Captain*punch* BURTER! SUPPORT!! Burter:Well, you've got very lovely hair, you're a beautiful shade of red, and honestly, you're the only guy I can rely on on this team. Jeice: I MEANT PUNCH 'IM, YA DAFT BASTARD!! AGGH! Oh, but thanks, you know? That really cheered me*punch*'' GOD, I THINK HE BROKE SOMETHING THAT TIME!!
Jeice and Burter have a touching display of camaraderie, showing how good friends they are and promising to go out drinking once it’s all over, the music swells... and Goku one-shots Burter.
Freeza's rant: "I can't believe we came all the way out here and spent a week in the SpaceBoonies for nothing! Seriously, I'm surprised we didn't hear banjos on the way, because everyone is inbred and LOOKS THE F***ING SAME! Not to mention I lost Dodoria and Zarbon, the latter of whom spent 400 credits making long-distance calls to his girlfriend, WHO I AM CONVINCED IS NAMED CHUCK!"
Freeza: (After Ginyu has brought him the Dragon balls and finished the Dance of Joy, which was authorized by Freeza's father) Now, let's wish me some immortality!
Ginyu: Not quite yet, Lord Freeza. Lastly, I must complete the "Daddy's Little Princess" dance!
Freeza: (indignant) My father would command no such thing!
Ginyu: You are correct, Lord Freeza!
Freeza: Very well.
Ginyu: It was your brother!
After the Dragon Balls don't work.
Ginyu: Might I suggest the dance of cheering you up?
"And now, the Dance of Solitude!"
After Goku arrives, Recoome is trying to get people to pay attention to him.
Recoome: Hey! Recoome was in the middle of a match here, so how about you-
Goku: Sir! I am talking to my son.
Recoome: Oh. Recoome apologizes. Wait, what am I apologizing for? RECOOME'S GONNA KILL YOU!!
"You think that's bad? If you hit 'em hard enough you can play a song." Cue Vegeta playing the Tetris theme by repeatedly kneeing Burter in the throat.
Episode 22: Another great Guru line - "And so I tell him, 'I don't care who you are, now clean my jowls!' ...And that was Nail's first day on the job." Then, after Guru unlocks Dende's potential, Dende leaves. Guru's response? "Thaaaat SLUUUUUUUUUTTT!!"
Also from 22:
Guru: NNAAAAAIIIILLLL! Do we have a visitor? Nail: Yes sir. Guru: NNNNAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLL! Take his coat. Freeza: I don't have a coat. Nail: He doesn't have a coat sir. [looks at Freeza] And I believe this is the guy who basically just killed our whole race. Guru:[sounding a bit annoyed] NNNNNNAAAAAAIIIIILLLLLLL. Don't take his coat.
Freeza: I have the distinct feeling that you're going to be difficult.
Nail: Well Sir, if you're having a problem with our Customer Support you can call 1-800-eat-a-d*ck!
Super Kami Guru: We don't even have those!
KILLING CRABS! IN THE OCEAN!
Krillin: When the dragon balls are all put together, the sky grows darker than the blackest void!
Popo: (on Earth) Hm?
Later, when Freeza is going to Guru:
Freeza: (passing Dende) Good afternoon.
Dende: It's morning. (in Namekian) Douche.
Freeza: Cute kid. Seems familiar.
"Oh god. NATURAL LIGHT!"
"I utilize these poses as a means of reinvigorating my men and raising morale. HOW DARE YOU MOCK THEM!"
Ginyu meeting Goku
Jeice: That's him, Captain! That's the one who beat us up!
Ginyu: What?! Just look at HIS hair! He looks like he just got out of bed! For goodness sake, Jeice, he's even wearing pajamas.
Jeice: I swear it's him, sir. He picked us apart one by one. We never stood a cha—
Nail: He wants to know how to use the Dragon Balls.
Guru: Did you tell him to try working the shaft?
Nail: Yes, Lord Guru.
Guru: Good work, Nail.
After Freeza sees Guru for the first time:
Freeza: Good Lord! I was lead to believe your species survived almost entirely on water! How is he so fat?!
Guru: Oh, hello. I'm Super Kami Guru. And I'm the guy who is not judging you on your appearance.
Becomes a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment when you find out in episode 30 that he's the one who drank all the water, caused the drought, blamed it on the albino Namekians, then ordered their extermination as punishment.
(re: the Ginyu Force's defeat)
Captain Ginyu: Did (Recoome) at least die with dignity?
(Cut to Recoome lying face down on the ground, his naked ass in the air. Buzzing flies are heard.)
Jeice: Err...Define "dignity", Cap'n.
Jeice: Well, cap'n, if you're getting stressed, you could always... ya know...
Krillin and Gohan discussing why the Namekian Dragon Balls aren't working.
Gohan: Maybe there's something special about Namekian Dragon Balls.
Krillin: Maybe if I sing to it. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves-
Gohan: -Actually, Krillin, I was thinking something else. Maybe the only way to summon it is to call it in its native language.
Krillin:I don't speak German! And the only person I know that does was the toilet... and it's dead. God rest his seat.
Bulma calling out Krillin and Gohan on leaving her alone all the time, and Krillin pointing out the logic of her problem:
Bulma: Why?! Why would you leave me alone here?! I don't know this place! Did you know there are giant crabsdown there?! I do! I KILLED ONE!
Krillin: Okay, Bulma, just calm down. Why are you upset?
Bulma: Why?! Because I am always alone!
Krillin: And if we were to stay here, what would that accomplish?
Bulma: ...just take the f***ing radar.
Krillin: Thank you, Bulma. Say "Thank you", Gohan.
Gohan: Thank you, Bulma.
Bulma: No problem, Gohan.
Krillin: And no problem...
Bulma: Shove it!
Krillin: I'll take it.
Freeza: (to Nail) Oh, I know. How bout a good old-fashioned joke? How many Namekians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Their whole race. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the rest to die. And then the other one dies too.
Apparently, Goku was right; Vegeta does have a very nervous bladder.
Vegeta: (suddenly wakes up, jumps to his feet, fists clenched) I have to pee! (bolts out of the room)
It also takes him way too long to figure out why the sky has turned dark: "Jesus, I overslept. It's already night...for the first time since I got here...on a planet with three suns." (Alarm clock in his head ticks, then goes off after several seconds) "Oh you mother-(cut back to the dragon)-FUCKERS!" (you can also hear Piccolo shout "Ow, my ears!"). But when he does...
Krillin: (on what he should use the third wish for) I want my three-foot!-
Guru: I feel that they have finally summoned the dragon. Would be a reeeal dick move to die right now...Huuurrkk[dies]
When Kami is resurrected.
Popo: -humming and watering plants- Kami: (poofs) Fan-freaking-tastic, We're back here again. Popo: Oh, you're back. Hi Kami. Kami: Mr. Popo, what are you watering? Popo: Pot. Kami: Pots of what? Popo: Pot. (beat) I'm not getting rid of it. Kami:Are you kidding? That sh*t's great for my glaucoma!!
You know, cause Magus and Piccolo look similar as both were designed by Akira Toriyama. Plus, Magus was the Fiendlord, and Piccolo Senior was the Demon King.
Nail explains his plan to Piccolo.
Nail: There's a special ability our people share. Forbidden, even amongst our most sacred clans.
Piccolo: And we're just gonna abuse it?
Nail: Oh, maliciously!
Piccolo: Bitchin'! How we do?
Freeza "taunting" Vegeta while he tortures Gohan
Freeza: So Vegeta, does this get you angry?
Vegeta: Not really, kind of a smart ass.
Freeza: Well then, why am I even bothering?!
Vegeta: Because... you get off on it...?
Freeza: Oh, unbelievably!
Piccolo's first thoughts on Namek;
"What was that idiot doing, bringing me here? It's- Wait a minute. I can feel it. This is my home! I can finally see its beauty! The lush blue fields... The crystal clear waters... The wind brushing past my GOD this is boring! Huh...no wonder I feel right at home."
How Vegeta knew that Freeza can transform.
Vegeta: Guldo told me [cutaway] Guldo: So... Did you know that Freeza can transform? Vegeta: Huh. That right? Guldo: Yeah. And Burter's gay! Vegeta: (genuine surprise) Really!? [cutaway] Vegeta:And then I threw a dog treat at him. True story.
The miraculous return of the Kanassans:
Kanassan 1: I CAN SEE THE FUTUUUUUURE!
Kanassan 2: BULMA AND VEGETA HAVE A KIIIIIID!
Kanassan 3: THE REAL BUU IS A CHILD!
Kanassan 4: CELL REACHES HIS PERFECT FOOOOORM!
Kanassan 5: GOTEN AND TRUNKS BECOME A GUUUUYYYY!
Kanassan 6: GOHAN IS THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE BUT STILL DOESN'T DO CRAAAAAAP!
"Huh, I should've known that was only a one-hit wonder."
After Goku blocks Freeza's Beam Spam attack, Freeza demands to know how it's possible from Vegeta, who's been talking about the Super Saiyan legend the whole episode, and previous ones (having already given an identical speech about it twice). Mostly in relation to himself, but you can tell Freeza sees it coming again. Each word out of Freeza's mouth is angrier than the last in the following exchange.
Vegeta: You see, Freeza? You aren't dealing with the average Saiyan warrior anymore-
Freeza: Just tell me when you need to come up for air.
The following exchange, just after Vegeta's burial. Freeza's expression while saying the last line is priceless:
Freeza: Come now, I'm sure he's in a better place... Oh, who am I kidding? He's probably in Hell!
Goku: I don't know, I went to Hell once. The only real bad part was these two oiled-up German guys trying to wrestle me.
Freeza: ...are you real?
Goku denounces Freeza as a monster who kills anyone, even children:
Freeza: Oh please, everyone's always on about the children. I already tried leaving them alive, but all they do is grow up under my rule or dedicate their pathetic lives to revenge. Usually both. Really, killing them this a kindness. I can retract that kindness if you wish, but then who's the villain?
Goku: (totally lost) Y... you.
Freeza: N-no, that was a rhetorical question.
Goku: And I gave you a rhetorical answer!
Freeza: ...Good lord, I traded Vegeta for this.
Goku's brain appearing to be voiced by Orson Welles, at least if its garbled comments about "frozen peas" while Goku is drowning were any indication.
Vegeta's spirit animal falling out of Freeza's ear.
Goku: Vegeta, no!
Gohan: Vegeta, no!
Krillin: Don't worry, Gohan. Little Green'll- (Shot of Dende's corpse) ...oh. Vegeta, no!
Goku bites Freeza's tail. 'Nuff said.
Goku continuing to be a terrible father.
Goku: Piccolo, you take care of Gohan.
Piccolo: So... keep doing what I've been doing, then?
Piccolo: Yeah, I figured. Let's go!
Krillin: Oh thank god!
Piccolo and Krillin fly away.
Gohan: (whispering) Dad... beat him within an inch of his life... AND HANG HIM UP BY HIS ENTRAILS!
Goku: (To himself) Wow, he sounds like he's had a hard time. Piccolo should really have a talk with him.
Goku: I am the hope of the omniverse! I am the light bulb in the darkness! I am the bacon in the fridge for all living things to cry out in hunger! I am the alpha and the Amiga! I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am Son Goku, and I am a Super-
Also, Vegeta checking to see if he was still alive.
Vegeta: (thinking) Well, at least my clothes are back, that's a start. Am I alive? (Punches himself and goes down) Ugh! Yay! I'm alive! (Coughs blood)
Guru confessing to the Namekians that he's the one who drank all their planet's water, not the Albino Namekians, before dying of old age (a second time). Except he wasn't dying. The mob of angry Namekians fixes this, though.
Guru: Remember when I said that [the albino Namekians] were responsible for the disappearance of our precious water?
Namekian 1: We slaughtered thousands...
Guru: It was me.
Namekian 2: How!?
Guru: I drank it.
Namekian 3: Wha-!?
Guru: How do you think I got so FAT?
Namekians: *Stunned Silence*
Guru: And now I can die with a clear conscience. Hurk! Err! *still alive* Uh... UGH! *still alive* Uh oh.
Namekian 4:KILL HIM!
Guru:NO! NAAAAAAAAAAAIL! *carnage* Choke on them! Oh god why?!
Plus there's Gohan, Bulma, Piccolo and Vegeta's shocked expressions while this goes on.
Freeza and the revived Dende's brief conversation after the latter makes the final wish before Freeza does.
[Everyone on the planet except Goku and Freeza vanishes sent away] Freeza: What? No! This isn't what I wished for? What's going on?!
Dende: Down here!
Freeza:YOU! No... No you didn't!
Dende: So what if I did? What are you going to do about it, huh? Come at me bro! [Freeza fires at him, then Dende poofs away before it hits]
Dende wishing everyone except Goku and Freeza to Earth with Porunga. When King Kai asks how he knew that part of the plan, Dende simply says that he just wanted to screw over Freeza. The music helps.
During Goku and Freeza's fight...
Freeza: Dirty monkey... Huh? Where— [Goku appears in front of him, two heads higher and with his abs in front of Freeza's face] Oh mygod, you could grind meat on th—[stumbles back] AH!
Goku: Bad touch! Kidney shot! Kidney shot, kidney shot, kidney shot, and pause... STOMACH PUNCH!
Freeza: Gonna whiz red.
A blink and you miss it moment; when Freeza bear hugs Goku from behind and forces him to make kidney shots, he squeaks.
Vegeta saying "Lord Freeza!", which is what Cui did to distract Vegeta.
Dende heals Piccolo:
Dende: May I hug you?
Freeza: Now you're Super Saiyan soup! High in vitamin dumbass! Haha- huh? Oh god, what's up with the sky? This planet really is about to blow! I give it, like, two minutes tops! I better get to my ship- (Gets hit by Goku) Ahh! Stop that! Stop... not-dying!
Vegeta: HOPE YOU'RE READY TO PARTY, BECAUSE IT'S VEGETA C-(poof)
Vegeta admits he killed a Namekian village, so they weren't brought back to live along with the other Nameks. Guru praises him for doing that, and admits he hates all the other Namekians... except one child. Cue dragon balls falling back down to earth and one crushing said child. Guru laughs.
Goku slaps Freeza silly.
Goku: SAY YOU'RE SORRY! (repeatedly slaps Freeza's face, with particular slow motion focus to how his face looks each hit) ARE YOU SORRY YET?!
The Stinger, involving Nappa returning to life, since everyone who was killed by Freeza and his men were wished back and Vegeta was working for Freeza when he killed Nappa. Also, Nappa becomes a Hollywood producer and is currently making an autobiographical film called Citizen Nappa. With Mark Satan.
Nappa: Need to work on the first name, thinking Hercule...
Also, the subversion to season 1's ending.
Vegeta: GOD... damn it... Nappa.
Close listeners will note the ringtone of Nappa calling Vegeta is that of Ghostbusters.
Krillin's revival, still screaming in terror.
And how Dende kept trying to get out of wishing him back.
Dende declaring his love for Gohan and when Gohan is understandably stunned by this he freaks out and immediately has Porunga teleport all the Namekians from old Namek to the new Namek.
"The last time he did that I found five corpses. He laughed when I said five."
There is also something oddly hilarious about Kami saying the phrase "booty-call".
I think it's just inherently funny for a god to use the phrase 'booty-call'. We'd laugh just as hard if it was one of the Kais, or Zeus even.
Popo's explanation for why the lookout is a mess. He had Italian for dinner.
Kami: What does that have to do with-
Popo: 'CAUSE IT WAS NOTHIN' BUT GARLIC!
Kanye West's Gold Digger playing as Krillin and Maron drive away from Gohan's house
Then The Guess Who's American Woman playing at Kame House.
Piccolo and Kami's interactions. Nail gets into this.
Kami: You do know that [fusing] technique is forbidden, Piccolo.
Piccolo: Your face is forbidden!
Nail: That actually was the best one up here.
Piccolo: SHUT IT NAIL!
The scene after the opening credits, where a narrator calmly tells the audience of a type of tuna that was nearly fished to extinction by the inhabitants in the area surrounding Lake Paozu, but is now slowly working its way to a sustainable population , around that time, Gohan kills 4 of the fish by punching them out of the water
The exchange between Bulma and Yamcha at the beginning.
Yamcha: So, where did you bury me anyway?
Bulma: Bury? (cut to Yamcha's body still decaying in the pit he died in)
Yamcha lampshading that he seems to be the only one bothered that the man directly/indirectly responsible for most of their deaths at some point, is currently showering in the other room and talking about living there.
Bulma's parents continue to be a comedic duo of ditzy (Mrs. Briefs) and terribly racist (Dr. Briefs):
Mrs. Briefs: Sweetie! Roll out the cot, I think we have a visitor!
Vegeta's encounter with Yamcha. He initially confuses him with a valet. After Yamcha reminds them that they previously fought, Vegeta reasserts that he only fought Goku, Nappa fought all the rest... except the one scrub who lost to a Saibaman. Then Vegeta breaks out into laughter when he finds out he is the said scrub.
'''Speaking of which... Soldiers, the scavenger hunt will proceed as such. Normal human heads are worth one point. Namekian heads are worth twenty. Filthy half-Saiyan brats: Fifty. And if you find any miserable, odious, insubordinate full-blooded monkey garbage... You win.
Freeza sending all of his best men on a hunt to kill Goku's friends, giving point values to all of the different characters... and then his men promptly fall to the ground in pieces in Trunk's wake.
Bonus points for the internal scream being so loud that it actually is audible when Krillin starts speaking.
And later, when Vegeta tries to figure out who Trunks is...
Vegeta: If he's never met him before, how the hell does this kid know where Kakarot is going to land? And he can't actually be a damn Saiyan. Either he's a liar, or... maybe... wait a second! Did someone drink the last Hetap!? I'll kill you!
Even better, the BSOD noise continues as the Diagonal Cut happens, and it invokes the feel of dramatic Japanese drums reaching a crescendo.
Even more better, the BSOD screen reveals that Freeza is running on Windows 95, which explains his malfunctioning.
Hilariously, Kaiser Neko mentioned in a later podcast that there were many viewers who had been watching the episode full-screen and freaked out when the BSOD hit.
The slogan on Vegeta's shirt gets increasingly suggestive as the episode goes on. Going from "Dum Cumpster" to "Pull My Hair" to "Blowjob Princess." Bonus point for Vegeta saying "I'm a real man!" while the shirt says "Blowjob Princess".
GPS: Fly 300 metres north-west, then land near IDIOT ROCK.
Trunks: So that's what they called it before "Idiot Crater".
Vegeta's reaction to learning that there is another Super Saiyan.
Gohan: Guys, I think that person is a Super Saiyan.
Bulma: Hey, 5 o'clock was 20 hours ago! *downs a can*
When Vegeta refuses to trust Trunks' claim that Goku will arrive soon, Goku does just that.
"That could be anyone!"
Vegeta instantly hating Trunks when he turns to them.
Trunks: Hey guys!
Vegeta: Fuck this guy!
Trunks: I'm about to go meet Goku, just follow me! Gohan: Wait, did he just say my dad? Krillin: Wait Gohan, we don't know if we can trust this guy. Trunks: I also brought snacks! Krillin: ...but the Bible does say love thy neighbour! Gohan: You're a Buddhist. Krillin: A hungry Buddhist.
The Stinger with Bulma and Krillin's conversation about Trunks' "carpet matching the drapes", with Krillin revealing that his does as well
Krillin: It's called man-scaping. Bulma: It's weird. Krillin: It's hygienic.
Poor Yamcha. He can never catch a break.
(When Yamcha is questioning why they brought Bulma to the battle)
Yamcha: Personally, I don't think Bulma should be here, a battlefield is no place for a lady.
Vegeta: ...And yet you're sticking around.
Yamcha: I'm serious, I worry about her safety, and as her close and personal friend, possibly the bestie, I think we need to-Aaagh!
(Bulma grabs his ear.)
Bulma: Anyone want to explain to Yamcha what ten pounds of torque does to a human ear?
Gohan: ...Rips it off?
Bulma: Very good, Gohan!
Krillin: (laughter dies down) Oooh... we're gonna fucking die.
After Trunks asks Freeza why he has 'spare parts' coming out of him...
Freeza: Impudent little... These are not spare parts! What you are looking at is the ultimate culmination of science and nature!
Trunks: Huh. Gonna have to fix that when I get back then.
When Trunks goes Super Saiyan the rest of the cast conclude it's either Goku or... Freeza's mom.
Krillin: Who here just thought of Freeza with boobs? (awkward silence)
Krillin: Really? I'm the only one?
Vegeta: Yes! (thinking) He must never know.
In the opening, Freeza tries to narrate the disclaimer, but his Verbal Tic gets so bad (around saying Dragon Ball GT, no less) that King Cold ends up having to finish it for him. It gets better when Freeza's glitching stops and he says "Absalon", which refers to another fan-made Dragon Ball series.
When the Z-Fighters finally arrive just in time for Trunks to finish off Freeza.
Krillin: Where's Freeza! Oh, there he is...
(Trunks dices Freeza up and blows him up.)
Krillin: And there...and there...(scorched piece of Freeza hits him in the head)...and here...Is that his brain?
And after Trunks kills Cold and destroys their ship.
Krillin: Good work team!
This little quick gem when Trunks properly meets the group.
Trunks: Now I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here.
Soldier 2: Well that ain't right... *Falcon Punched by Trunks into Freeza's ship.*
Trunks: Consider that a warning. Either leave now or die.
Freeza: Ooh, is that an ultimatum? I love ultimatums! Here's mine. Either die to him or die to me! *Trunks takes a stance as the soldiers rush him...and slashes them all faster then can be seen. All the soldiers are still standing, immobile.*
Trunks: No, no hang on... *Trunks sheathes his sword and the bodies all drop.*
Trunks: Yeah, took me a whole three months to get that one down. They make it look a lot easier then it really is. *One soldier is shown still alive, visibly terrified of Trunks* REAL hard part was that guy's armor. *Said soldier's scouter breaks in half, and his armor follows suit as Trunks keeps talking.* Went through a dozen mannequins before I cinched that one. *The soldier backs away slowly from Trunks...*
Freeza: You missed a spot. *impales the soldier with his arm.*
Soldier 3: Lord Freeza... the f*ck? *Freeza pulls his arm out and the soldier drops.*
King Cold, about to be killed by Trunks, tries to bargain.
King Cold: We could work out a deal! I'll give you a planet! Three planets! Two and a half?
Trunks: But listen. In the future, my mother has developed medication that will help level your cholesterol.
Goku: Is it grape-flavored?
Trunks: I don't know. Yes?
Goku: 'Cause I don't like grape.
Trunks: Then it's bacon-flavored.
A Black Comedy bit where while the other Z-fighters(except Goku) are killed by the Androids or cyborgs, Yamcha is Driven to Suicide when he learns Bulma is pregnant with Vegeta's child. Goku's reaction to the news really sells it.
Also becomes Mood Whiplash when the driving scene mentioned above happens immediately afterward.
Goku's confusion about whether God is Kami or King Kai. Later, when he learns who Future Trunks' parents are:
Goku: Oh, my Gamikai.
The team comparing Future Trunks Super Saiyan status with Goku's Super Saiyan status:
Bulma: Blonde spiky hair... Gohan: Incredible aura... Krillin: Well, Vegeta, now that Goku's here to compare, we can finally say for sure that that kid's a Super— Vegeta: Utter one more word, and no dragon alive will be able to fix what I do to you. Krillin: ...So, Tien, have you been lifting? Because you are jacked. Tien: Yeah. Who knows? Maybe I'll be the next Super Sayian. [Vegeta mutters Angrish at Tien]
Goku is the next to mention Vegeta's shirt.
Goku: Oh, hey Vegeta! Nice shirt.
Goku: Pink is a good colour on you!
Vegeta: (thinking) ...Just take the compliment.
The episode in general continued the trend of Tien managing to press all of Vegeta's buttons.
Vegeta: ...And I, as a Super Saiyan, relish the challenge. Goku: You're a Super Saiyan, Vegeta? Show me! Vegeta: I... well... well I just... I— Tien: Don't tell me, you're not in the mood. Vegeta: What, does that third eye make you psychic? Tien: No, but it does help me see bullshit. Vegeta: Hey... F*CK YOU!
Gohan still hasn't worked out the art of dodging.
Trunks' time machine using the TARDIS sound effect.
Piccolo explaining to Goku that he heard the whole conversation between him and Trunks.
Piccolo: I heard everything.
Goku: Please don't tell everybody.
Piccolo: Ohohohoho I won't.
Nail: I will.
Piccolo: Shut up Nail.
When Goku accidentally launches Chi-Chi out of the house and through a tree.
Gohan: DAD, RUN!
Gohan: THE WORST SHE CAN DO IS GROUND ME, NOW RUN!
Before that, we had Chi-Chi's reaction to Goku wanting to take Gohan training:
Chi-Chi: LIKE HELL YOU WILL! Goku: Oh, come on, Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi: Don't you "Come on, Chi-Chi" me! You're gone off in God knows where space, refuse to let the dragon take you home, and the first thing you ask for when you get back? "Oh, hey, Chi-Chi, mind if I take our baby boy to go train to FIGHT SOME MONSTER ROBOTS?!" Goku:Androids. And the first thing I asked about was dinner. Chi-Chi: The answer is NO! Goku: No to dinner or no to Gohan? Chi-Chi:BOTH!
"Look at my nipples, LOOK AT THEM!!"
*Ship outside explodes* "AAH! My nipples!!"
Gohan seems to be getting reeeeally tired of Goku's antics.
Gohan: Wait, so the first thing we do after you get back, after being gone for a year and a half... is train...
Bardock is only slightly better a parent than Goku:
Bardock: Hey there, Kakarrot. It's your daddy! Let's see what kind of power level we've got here... Alright, whoa ho ho ho! Ten-thousand! That's my boy! *sees name plaque* ...Wait, Broly...?
Even better is the set-up to that. Bardock at first doesn't give a damn when the doctor asks if he wants to see Goku, noting that he never paid attention to Raditz when he was growing up. The doctor answers, "And we all know how he turned out," followed by a Gilligan Cut to the above line.
Another from the Bardock special:
Gohan: Someone threw out a perfectly good baby! I think I'll name you... Clark.
Bardock witnessing the future of his son Goku... in a scene from Dragon Ball GT. "...And now I welcome the sweet embrace of death."
"Well, I'd say I should've seen this coming, but that would be ironic."
The Running Gag of Bardock's psychic powers kicking in at the wrong time.
Bardock: [fighting Dodoria's henchmen, thinking] I can't believe [my team] lost to these guys! What a bunch of- OH SWEET CRAP NOT AGAIN!
Goku: Kaio Ken!
Bardock: (Back in his own time) Kaio what? (Punched inthe face by something completely different)
The special addresses something that was overlooked in the original. As Bardock declares their independence from Freeza, hundreds of Freeza's men are behind him. In this version, they have the presence of mind to object to his all-inclusive terminology.
"This man does not speak for us. [...] Seriously, we're not with him."
A cameo after Planet Vegeta is destroyed.
Sauza: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother is destroying the planet Vegeta!
Cacao:Singing: Yamcha the Scarfaced Bandit. Song:But do you recall, the most useless fighter of all... Yamcha: Go to hell! *throws a Spirit Ball, which misses* Yamcha: *trying to redirect the Spirit Ball, and still missing* Oh. Come. On. Come. On. Damn. You. Song:Yamcha the Scarfaced Bandit, always beaten by his foes... Cacao: Do you require assistance? Yamcha: *still trying to redirect the Spirit Ball* Shut. Up. You. *the Spirit Ball finally hits* YES! TAKE THAT MOTHERFU- *Cacao knocks Yamcha to the ground* Song:...and if you saw this guy fight, you would even say he blows. Cacao: Agreed.
Turles' rant against Christmas in front of Gohan, mainly because of the voice, the way he was speaking, and who he is quoting.
Also the previous, nefarious misdeeds of his mooks, including raping Rudolph.
As horrible as the implications are, it just crosses so many lines it ends up on funny.
Slay: You know, you look like one of the kids I let sit on my lap once. 'Course, he was a cancer patient. Asked me if I could get rid of his cancer. Krillin: Oh God, this is going exactly where I think it is, isn't it? Slay: So I blew him up! No more cancer! Krillin: God, you are one of the worst mall Santas ever. Right behind those ones that molest kids. Slay:*Beat* So I'm the worst mall Santa. Krillin: Oh come on!
Lord Slug Abridged
From the Lord Slug movie, we have Piccolo's interaction with Slug's minions.
Piccolo: Alright, what's your gimmick?
Piccolo: Yeah, like the last guys, they were all misfit minions and crap, what're you?
Angira: We're just here for your planet. Though if I had to choose, I'd say I'm the pretty one.
Piccolo: Eh, 6 out of 10.
Angira:You sassy bitch.
Piccolo: That makes you the weird one with the freaky power.
Medamatcha: I can spawn mini-mes'!
Piccolo: (sarcastically) Spectacular. And that would make you no doubt the big, tough, stupid one.
Piccolo: Now, now, that truck is NOT your eating disorder.
Dorodabo: You're a penis!
Piccolo: So long since you've seen yours, you don't even recognize one do ya?
The truck returns in this gem delivered after Goku has been impacted into the ground like a vegetable.
Slug: You know, there's a certain sport I excel at.
Goku: *muffled due to being underground* What's it called?
Slug: *plucks Goku out by the leg* Competitive BITCH TOSS! *hurls Goku into a truck*
Lord Slug gets his youth back. His response is priceless
Slug Lord Slug the Almighty has returned! My youth, my Strength, my impeccable singing voice
Scenechange to a dark cloud going over the world
Slug "I see trees of brown, and skies of black, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world!"
After Piccolo rips his own ears off in order to avoid being affected by Gohan's whistling, he keeps yelling "WHAT?" every time he thinks someone is talking to him, even when nobody's talking back. He later combines it with the Kaio-ken Running Gag:
It's doubly funny coupled with the fact Piccolo's Big Damn Heroes moment was accompanied by Stone Cold Steve Austin's theme music; later in his career "WHAT?" became something of a catchphrase for him.
Also comes back during the credits.
Vegeta watches Krillin get pasted on TV and records the moment.
Sauza: And now, ze perfect place for a shopping mall! It will have a cigarette shop, a baguette restaurant, ze Napoleon Museum, and a movie-theatre only showing films starring Jean Reno. Ho-ho! I'm French!
Finally, the punchline when Sauza is killed
Sauza: ''I will see you in space hell... Cousin Jeice.
When the villains ambush Krillin, Gohan, Icarus, and Oolong:
Sauza: What? Who's power level is that? It's going off the scale! But the only one in there was the giant monkey and the pig. Sacre Bleu, could it be...the legendary Super Swine!?
Goku telling Gohan that he wants to eat Icarus.
Gohan: You won!
Goku: Yep, and we all pitched in. Cept' Icarus. C'mere, Goku's hungry!
Gohan: Wait, what are you-
Goku: I WANNA EAT YOUR DRAGON!
Goku: ...No seriously, give me your dragon.
Episode of Bardock
Bardock has a delayed realization. During his fight with Chilled.
Bardock: Hey! What year is it!?
Bardock: BC or AD?
Chilled: ...the hell are those?
Bardock: (deadpan) I'm in the f***ing past.
The sheer shark-jumping of this moment causes him to go Super Saiyan.
Bardock: Of all the STUPID! (head-desks on the ground) ASININE! (punches ground)Shark-jumping bullshit! (head-smashes again, and turns Super-Saiyan in rage.)
During the opening, Freeza and co bring up callbacks from the earlier movie. Bardock's reactions are beautiful.
Freeza: You know, the funny thing is, Bardock, even if you had seen this coming, there's nothing you could have done about it.
Bardock: You don't... you have no goddamned idea.
Zarbon: Mm, and even if you'd told every single Saiyan, none of them would have believed you.
Bardock: Just... please stop talking.
Dodoria: And you never got a chance to say goodbye to your son.
Bardock: I have one of those? *realization* Oh god, I have TWO of those!
Bardock also shows that he is in fact Gohan's grandpa.
Freeza: Consider this downsizing on a global scale! You can pick up your unemployment checks wherever you end up.
Bardock: Go to hell! *throws energy blast*
Freeza: See, that was my first guess. *throws Death Ball, which absorbs Bardock's attack*
Bardock: Aw, crapbaskets.
Every single past Saiyan is named for a different rapper. And they all sound like Kermit the Frog. And Bardock's sheer unbridled hatred for them knows no bounds.
Dr. Dray: Hi ho! We found you near death and in a valley not far from here. We helped bring you back to health with our magical healing S.P.O.O.G.E.
Bardock: *shocked and disgusted gasp*
Dr. Dray:Super Polymorphic Unleashing Gel. We brought you to our town in our pleasant, serene little planet. My name is Dray, and this is my child Twopock. Say hi ho, Twopock.
Twopock: Hi ho! Where are you from?
Bardock: (calmly) There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs. I despise you both so intensely that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience or from my unforgiving rage. If allowed, once I am back to full health, I will gut you with an honest-to-god smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I build with your bodies with your very blood.
Solider: We are here to catch evil space criminals and various other ne'er do wells.
Dr. Dray: I can assure you that we have already exiled Khris of the clan Brown from our planet.
Bardock schools Chilled's minions on how to intimidate a village.
Bardock: Seriously? This is how you intimidate a village? Blow up a house or two? I don't even think you killed anyone with those pea-shooters. Speaking of which, what models are those, they look ancient.
Soldier: Heeey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply.
Bardock: *sarcastically* Oh, kill one of the sick ones. What're you going to do next, waterboard the elderly?
Soldier: Look buddy, we didn't come here to be judged by you.
This is again revisted during the Stinger during the credits, where Bardock actually instructs the villains on how to do PROPER villainy! It also includes a joke from the Ocean Dub.
Bardock: Seriously, you want to learn how to traumatize a village? Ok. See that kid over there? Bardock is shown blowing him up.
Saiyan: RDP, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Bardock: You hear that mother? THAT... is distraught.
Solider: ...You should write a book. You're like a brilliant scientist!
Bardock: Well, I am working on this fake moon thing.
To explain, the Ocean Dub has Vegeta credit Bardock for the creation of the Saiyans' false moon technique, even though this has no basis in canon.
Chilled's hamminess is enough to send anyone into hysterical laughter.
Chilled: And nooow yououou diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!
And when the future Pineapple is informing Chilled of his two soldiers' deaths...
Pineapple: Lord Chilled! The vital sensors and the blasters of the two soldiers you just s-
Pineapple: ...have ceased transmissions. We believe they're dead!
Chilled:(gasps) Hooow outragggeous! In honor of their deaths, my men shall now and forever more be given the names of fruits! Pineapple! Briiing us to Planet Plant!
Pineapple: ...So, am I Pineapple?
The whole thing was a story Goku made up to tell Gohan, then when he questions it... he wakes up to Piccolo watching him.
Piccolo: Go back to sleep Gohan.
The blue mook shooting up the Saiyan village: "Inhabitants of Planet Plant: we are here on a diplomatic mission in the name of your new emperor, Lord Chilled. Pamphlets will be passed around to you to introduce you to your new, exciting lives as slaves to his almighty horniness."
Bardock's reaction to Twopock coming to him for help: "Oh, Space Christ, what now?"
This results in the second of Bardock's creeping realizations that he's in the past, which again is interrupted. He kicks Twopock away and flies off which leads to this gem.
Chilled: These people seem to have a sincere affection for you. What is your secret?
Bardock: *muffled* Maybe because I don't look like a giant purple and orange tampon.
Chilled: *quickly* I have lost interest! *kicks Bardock away*
Chilled's last decree to his men.
Chilled: Before I die... I have... one final decree. All of our most elite warriors must learn dance... choreography. *takes off breathing mask and leans up* Got... to... style... all over our opponents'... baaaaaaaaallllssss. *dies*
Even more funny when you catch that it's a None Piece shout out.
Even the post-death scene is funny.
Pineapple: Well, call it Blueberry.
Blueberry: Do I still have to call myself Blueberry?
Raisin:I'm going to keep calling you Blueberry.
Blueberry: SHUT UP RAISIN!
Chilled's reaction to Bardock going Super Sayian, as well as that of the Past Sayians is pure genius.
Chilled: Oh i'm sorry, I only fight natural blondes.
Bardock: I... am the legendary Super Saiyan...
Sayians: Yay! We're all Super Saiyans!
Bardock: I will EAT YOU!
The narrator in the beginning, who explains that Freeza destroying planet Vegeta should have been the end of Bardock... if not for a thing called merchandising!
DBZ Abridged - Specials
The Halloween Special:
Professor: Well, what's your costume? Popo: Oh, I'm not in costume. Yet. Hold on. [cut to clip of the Cloverfield monster, with Popo's maniacal laughter]
The video advertising upcoming episodes and new T-Shirts is hilarious with Nappa and Vegeta arguing over doing the commercial (Nappa wants him to do it, Vegeta doesn't). But, the real icing on the cake of hilarity is Vegeta VS Alucard at the end.
Two Saiyans Play. First, the concept of Nappa and Vegeta playing video games together is by itself hilarious. Then it just gets funnier:
From the same game, Vegeta just yelling out "HOW MUCH POOP DOES THIS DEER HAVE?" Said deer is shitting like a rocket and has been during the whole level.
Vegeta asks Nappa, after an owl shits itself to death, "You wrote this game didn't you?"
We also have:
Vegeta: Hey, hey Nappa ask me how much money I have *Nappa mumbles* MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS AND MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! I'm gonna cut this bitch free. Yeah that's right, I get money and bitches.
Vegeta: I'm better than you door. I frown harder.
Vegeta: I got a sheep thing and you got my owl and you're little dragon thing is just like "Hey what about me guys?" and we're just like "HA! Fuck you!"