Web Video / Hellsing Ultimate Abridged


Bella Swan: I love you, Edward.
Edward Cullen: And I love you, Bella.
(There's a knock at the door)
Edward: Hold on. (goes to the door) Who is it?
Alucard: Oh, you know. (Shoots Edward to death) A REAL fucking vampire!
— The very first actual scene of the series

The Abridged Series of Hellsing Ultimate, made by Team Four Star. That's about all you need to know.

Originally intended to be only a single episode, everyone enjoyed it so much that they decided to essentially make it an annual Halloween special note . The second episode was released on November 7, 2011; the third was released on November 5, 2012; the fourth was released on November 4th, 2013; and the fifth was released on November 2nd, 2014. The show went on a brief hiatus between episodes five and six in 2015, though eventually 6 finally saw release on January 31st 2016, as well as confirmation that episodes will be coming twice a year instead of once a year.

The Character Page is currently on construction. Please contribute if you will.

You can find it here on YouTube and here on Team Four Star's official website.

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged provides example of the following Tropes:

  • Accidental Misnaming:
    Police Girl: Okay... Master [Alucard], my name is Seras.
  • Actually Pretty Funny: Alhambra tells Alucard that he lied to the local police that he'd make them immortal if they tried to take out Alucard in his penthouse hotel room (which they failed to do, natch). Alucard finds this revelation hilarious.
    Alhambra: I may or may not have fed a lie to the local policia that in return for your capture, I would give them immortality.
    Alucard: And they fucking bought that?
    Alhambra: Like discount peixe.
    Alucard: You cheeky dick waffle!
  • Affably Evil: Much like the source material, Alucard is this. It takes a special kind of troll to begin a death-threat by describing it as a friendly little letter and end it with Sincerely...
  • Affectionate Nickname: Upon noticing the Queen of England, Alucard immediately calls out "Betty!" She responds by calling him "Ally" in return.
    • Pip flirtatiously calls Seras "ma cher", which she's not thrilled about, but likes better than "Police Girl."
  • A Demi-God Am I: Luke Valentine refers to himself as a demigod when confronting Alucard. The latter proceeds to show him just how wrong he is.
  • Anything That Moves: Jan Valentine.
    Jan: Ah, fuck it. Skull fucking for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul!
    • And Alucard himself, who says "there's no-one alive who can comprehend my sexual preference."
  • The Aristocrats: While Alucard is having a flashback to when he was Count Vlad "Dracula" Tepes, Van Helsing (the guy who stakes him) gives him a "Reason You Suck" Speech, detailing all the depravities and murders Alucard pulled off, asking him, finally "What say you now?" Alucard replies: "The Aristocrats."
  • Arc Words: Bitches love cannons.
  • Armor-Piercing Question: After she arrives on the boat, Rip Van Winkle asks the vampire in command how it feels to betray his country, his men, his family and friends to Nazis for the sake of immortality. The stunned vampire replies that, when put like that it makes him feel (put politely) terrible.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking:
    • In his time, Alucard has caused massive collateral damage ("Good times!"), multiple noise complaints ("Sorry, I can't hear you!"), a dozen innocent deaths ("So did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!"), and lots of sexual harassment.
    Alucard: ...I'm not apologizing.
    • When fighting the elder of the Valentine brothers, Alucard tells him to "Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me! Give me a hug!"
  • Atrocious Alias: "Scarlet Tampon to Sticky Sock. [...] Also, I'm choosing the Goddamn nicknames next time!"
  • Attack! Attack... Retreat! Retreat!:
    Jan: Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy, but guess what, Jeeves? That garrote wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! What's that, Alfred? How thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick. So, thick enough you're gonna need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass!
    Walter: Police Girl, if you may.
    Seras: Bitches love cannons! (BOOOOOOOOOOOM!)
    Jan: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
  • Attention Whore: Both Integra and Alucard notice that Rip Van Winkle is one, due to her making a ton of references and Shout-Out to other things and saying stuff like "LOL I so randum!"
    Rip Van Winkle: My name is Rip van Winkle, and I command your respect!
    Alucard: No, you demand my attention.
  • A Wizard Did It: When it comes to explaining Alucard's ability to regenerate after being decapitated, he responds, "Fuck you, that's how."
  • Awesome McCool Name: Alucard's Twitter account is @TheCrimsonFuckr.
  • Audio Pun: The song that starts playing during The Major's "I Love War" speech? Mars, Bringer of War.
  • Badass Boast:
    • Alucard seems pretty fond of shooting them down whenever one of his opponents delivers one.
    • Walter is pretty good at doing these, and backing them up.
    Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash. And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.
    • Iscariot/Vatican Section XIII has an awesome one in episode 5. They call themselves the Necessary Evil because they keep worse evil in line. When asked why they're the chosen few, they say because nobody else would.
    Anderson: And because it's FUCKING FUN.
  • Bad Boss: Alucard does not want to be pals with Pip.
    Pip: Hey, maybe later, if it's not too weird, you wanna...go get a drink? Maybe hit up a club?
    Alucard: You're not my friend; you're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks, I might learn your name; until then, you're spare blood.
    • The Major, given the speech he gives to his troops right after Rip Van Winkle is gruesomely killed by Alucard.
    Major: Gentlemen, Operation Bait Van Winkle was a resounding success.
  • Bait and Switch: You'd think you'd be able to guess Father Anderson's favorite cereal after learning Alucard's is Count Chocula, right? Wrong.
    Anderson: Now, what do you say we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Frankenber— oh, son of a Protestant whore!
    • Played with; it's essentially the same joke (Anderson is quite a lot like Frankenstein's monster), but with a less painfully obvious punchline.
  • Bait-and-Switch Comparison:
    Anderson: Now if you would be so Christian-like to ship your sorry pale ass out. (camera on Seras) And take your trigger-happy harlot with ya'! (camera on Pip) And the woman!
  • Bait-and-Switch Credits: The first episode starts with the opening for what appears to be a One Piece Abridged Series, only to suddenly cut to a dimly-lit house full of corpses. This prank was long in the making as a preview for what they were going to show at that con suggested "a special premiere" and showed a shoddily blurred One Piece Logo that anyone familiar with One Piece would recognize. In addition Lanipator released on his own channel five days previous him singing a song for the secret premiere, the song being the anthem for One Piece that is We Are. Once again not alluding to anything, but still strongly suggesting it was One Piece. This comes full circle as Lanipator's karaoke version of We Are is the credits song for the first episode of Team Four Star's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged.
  • Batman Gambit: Walter's plan to get Alucard to Brazil relies on the vampire's pathological insubordination.
    • The Major lured Alucard away so he could begin the invasion of England, knowing Integra couldn't resist sending him to dispose of a powerful vampire.
  • Berserk Button:
    Alucard: They say TV makes people violent, but I'd say not having my TV is making me PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT!
    • Do not suggest that Alucard get 3D TV.
    Alucard: No! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!
    • Seras seems to enjoy the concept that if you have to kill a zombie, you might as well kill them all. Through a blood rage.
    • The Major hates Cold Wars.
    "Blue balled for 40 years."
  • BFG: Seras gets an anti-tank rifle, per Alucard's request.
  • Bifauxnen: Integra's appearance is lampshaded.
    Anderson: What the hell do you want, you crazy Protestant bastard?
    Integra: I'm a woman.
    Anderson: Call yourself whatever you want, you crazy Protestant bastard.
    • More heavily lampshaded in episode 5, where the Nazi-vampires chasing her down are surprised to hear that she's a woman... and 22 years old.
  • Big "NO!": Integra. After learning that Alucard has gone for a walk in Episode 3.
  • Bi the Way: It is hinted that Alucard was the Queen's lover in both his male and Girlycard form. He also gets a boner when arguing with Integra and battling Anderson.
  • Black Comedy: Absolutely runs on this. Though given the source material, that's probably to be expected.
    • Takahata said on the TFS panel that Alucard is written and played as essentially, "Archer with superpowers".
  • Black Comedy Rape: Invoked to be deconstructed. Jan forces one of Integra's soldiers to read out an extremely abusive and crude letter detailing in depth how he will rape her to death in the most violent way possible. The soldier is very clearly horrified and disturbed by it, and what's even worse is that he's just suffered through Jan shooting one of his testicles. Jan is the only one who is amused by all of this.
    "Now pardon me while I blow this faggot ginger's brains outOHGODNO!"
    • And played straight in episode 6, with a heaping dose of Gallows Humor.
      Mercenary 1: Uh, so, sir? What's the over-under on us finishing this mission alive?
      Pip: About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.
      Mercenary 1: I dunno. Those vampires do look kinda rape-y.
      Mercenary 2: Holy shit, dude!
      Mercenary 1: Oh, who the fuck am I offending, the Nazis!?
  • Blood Knight: Alucard. Obviously.
    • Anderson is no slouch in this department either.
    Father O'Malley'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan (who is also Italian): Tell-a me, Anderson: What is your favorite thing to do?
    Anderson: Spreading the word and love of Jesus Christ to the many people of the world, teaching peace and love for all!
    Father: And killing-a vampires?
    Anderson: (grins) Ah, just try to fuckin' stop me!
    Father: And what about... Protestants?
    Anderson: Second verse, same as the first! Now put me on a plane, so I can put 'em in a hearse!
    • Seras, during her blood rages.
  • Bothering by the Book: When Integra orders Alucard to stay in the basement during her meeting with their financial backers. Then the Hellsing HQ gets attacked.
    Alucard: You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss — who is a total bitch by the way (sniff) — that I'm not allowed to leave this room until such time as the Committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: The sidebar on Alucard's twitter page links to the pages of Crispin Freeman, Patrick Seitz, and adultdvdempire.
  • Briar Patching: How Walter gets Alucard to go to Brazil.
  • Brilliant, but Lazy: Alucard is pretty much the best at what he does, but he'd rather do whatever amuses him. And one thing that amuses him is pissing off Integra.
    Integra: (after hearing the latest of his 400+ elaborate death threats to the Pope) I can't help but ponder the frightful headway we'd make if he put that sort of energy into his job.
  • Butt Monkey: Seras, at least when around Alucard (who always calls her "Police Girl", even though that's not her real name which is what she told him in the first episode).
  • Buxom Is Better: The only reason why Alucard rescued Police Girl is because she has nice tits.
  • Call Back: In Episode 2, when Alucard dislikes Integra's demands, he says "I don't have to take this, I'm going for a walk." Episode 1 shows us how those tend to turn out. And again in Episode 3 where Alucard goes on yet another walk.
    • Episode 3 also starts out with Integra talking to a group of mercenaries they had to hire to replace the guards lost of the Valentine brothers' attack.
    • In Episode 4, Rip Van Winkle remarks that she likes the ship she's on, as it's "full of blood und seamen", calling back to part of the message Jan made a Hellsing officer read to Integra in episode 2 ("...there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood and semen").
      • Also the return of "Bitches Love Cannons!"
    • The disclaimer for each episode from 2 onwards is done by whoever Alucard fought the previous episode (Anderson for ep. 2, Jan for ep. 3, the Dandy Man for ep. 4, and Rip Van Winkle for ep. 5).
  • Camp: The Major certainly gives off this vibe.
  • Character Exaggeration: Jan's homicidal and obscene tendencies are taken Up to Eleven. Don't ask us how.
    • Hell, everyone in the entire series is like that.
  • Chekhov's Gun: Like you wouldn't believe it, Alucard's Twitter account.
  • Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys: Alucard remarks that they're "scraping the bottom of the barrel" when the Hellsing Organization is forced to contract French mercenaries to replace guards lost during the Valentine brothers' attack. However, Pip — the only one we've seen in action — subverts this trope.
    • It's also worth noting that Integra specifically stated that they were forced to post mortality rates of her men on duty to those interested in working for her organization — and that said French mercenaries were the only ones who still applied regardless. Whether this is meant to show them as either exceptionally brave, exceptionally stupid, or exceptionally desperate for cash is up for debate.
    • Fully averted in Episode 6 when Pip and his crew successfully defend the Hellsing headquarters from a Nazi attack, with some help from Seras. They manage to, in order: bring down the Nazi's zeppelin, kill over a dozen Nazis with landmines planted around the perimeter, and lay down a withering crossfire that keeps the rest of the Nazis back for some time. If Zorin hadn't used her illusion powers, it's likely they would have been able to hold the Nazis off near indefinitely.
  • Chivalrous Pervert: Although he's an exceptional Jerkass, Alucard kind of suits this. Despite being a massive pervert who is implied to use the Hellsing Organization's money for prostitutes and gives assistance to women based purely on the size of their breasts, he is apparently "holding out" for Integra...although her rage at everything he does probably hurts his chances (but her rage does give him a boner...it's super awkward, and, as hinted in Episode 2, he even gets a boner while scolded on the phone).
  • Christmas Episode: The series got one where Alucard murders Santa and takes his place to have a "Nightmare before Christmas" moment. (Which apparently ends when Alucard "got bored, and kinda wandered off.")
  • Cluster F-Bomb: The whole cast, but Jan Valentine deserves special mention.
    (while being shot) "Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckmotherfuckin'fuckcuntwithafuckin'tittyfuckfuckFUCK!"
  • Credits Gag: The first episode had KaiserNeko playing all the Nazis chanting with the Major. The credit list them individually as "Nazi 1, Nazi 2, etc." all the way up to fifteen.
  • Curse Cut Short: Episode 4's I Do Not Own statement has Alahambra say this.
    Alahambra: It means go suck your mother's cu— (Cut to the show)
    • Another one at the very end of Episode 6.
    Maxwell: And after we are finished purging England of all its demons and heathens...WE...WILL—
    Judd: Round up all those dirty ni—
    Maxwell: (highly pissed off) OKAY, YOU NEED TO CHILL!!
  • Darker and Edgier: More so than Dragon Ball Z Abridged, with more curse-words and obscenities than from a shipload of sailors, completely uncensored, rape jokes, and of course all the blood. Unsurprising, given the source material.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Alucard and Police Girl, but mostly Alucard.
    Luke: You must be the great Alucard.
    Alucard: 'Suuuuup.
    Luke: I've heard quite a lot about you.
    Alucard: Oh, really?
    Luke: The nightwalker, who glides through oceans of blood, beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow upon darkness itself!
    Luke: ...Excuse you?
    Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone's sucking my dick.
    Luke: Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
    Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego! Guess where I am!
    Luke: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here.
    Alucard: Oh, so am I. And I'm failing...and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my 70" plasma-screen TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!
    (Luke and Alucard point their guns directly at each other's head at point blank range)
    Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you?
    • Jan also gets in a couple of good ones.
  • Depraved Bisexual: The only person who can keep up with Alucard, whose sexual preference is by his own admission incomprehensible to anyone alive? The Queen of England, possibly the only person in the show that he genuinely respects.
  • Discredited Meme: In-universe, most of the internet memes Rip Van Winkle is constantly spewing are deliberately very dated just to highlight what an Attention Whore she is.
  • Dirty Old Woman: The Queen of England.
  • Did We Just Have Tea with Cthulhu?: Inverted. Pip apparently wants to go drinking with Alucard. Note that he is fully aware that he might end up being the drink.
  • Dissimile: In the scene when Police Girl goes into a blood rage Alucard expresses his desire to fuck her had he not been holding out for Integra, and then she gets stabbed with dozens of knives:
    "Well, kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."
  • Easily Forgiven: An Invoked Trope:
    Alucard: Sorry about that whole shooting you thing. But, I know if you look deep into your heart...which is currently all over that tree...
  • Even Evil Has Standards: Maxwell is none too happy hearing about that the priest spying on the Vatican for Millennium is also a pedophile.
    Priest: I had no choice! They made it impossible to say no!
    Enrico: Oh, who could resist the temptation of immortality?
    Priest: ...Amongst other things.
    Enrico: Oh, they didn't. What, did they just drive a truck of them up to your house? (beat) Wow.
    • And again Maxwell on Episode 6, being clearly disturbed by the Protestant Ku Klux Klan joining his Ninth Crusade.
  • Everyone Calls Her Police Girl: In this series, Seras (which she pointed out). Her name's even listed as such in the credits.
    • The bellhop in Episode 3 is referred to in the credits as "Bishounen O'Brian."
  • Everythings Big In Texas: When the Valentine brothers show up at the Hellsing Headquarters:
    Guard: Oi! You two, the grounds are currently closed!
    Jan: Aww, man! That totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
    Guard: Where from?
    Jan: (snaps fingers) Texas.
    (Bus opens fire.)
  • Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: Alucard and Jan. Oh, Jan.
  • Evil Is Petty: In Episode 3, Alucard tilts every painting that he comes across while on his way to the mercenaries' orientation just to give Integra a headache. He then proceeds to laugh maniacally when Walter informs Integra of this.
    Integra: And Alucard is being...
    Walter: Alucard?
    Integra: A total ass, yes.
    • He also sends death threats to the Pope. Why? Because he can.
    Maxwell: ...By carrier pigeon, no less! They just fly right into the Vatican!
  • "Facing the Bullets" One-Liner: The flashback at Episode 3's beginning.
    Hellsing: Vampire King. You lay upon the blood-soaked dirt of your ruined land. Castles plundered, dominions in ruin, servants destroyed, all to end the hellfire with which you sought to cover the world. A bloody conquest having consumed hundreds of thousands, countless villages razed to the ground, and over twenty-thousand impaled and prostrated by you and you alone to strike horror into the hearts of mortal men! What say you, monster, demon, devil conceived by the bleakest womb? WHAT SAY YOU NOW?!
    Alucard: ...The Aristocrats...
    • Jan gets two in Episode 2:
    (when Walter tries interrogating him): Alright, alright! What you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called "Viagra", and it'll help you go fuck yourself!
    (when Integra tries interrogating him): I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: the fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me, or the fact that you think my boss would let me live if you did! *combust* AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE!!
  • Foreshadowing: Alucard ends the first three episodes insisting that the Nazis are behind everything. Integra dismisses this as an idiotic idea, but anyone who knows the show will know how Wrong Genre Savvy this is.
    • At one point, Alucard offhandedly asks Walter if he can guess Alucard's top three favorite things to kill. Third is Turks. Second is Nazis. Alucard then asks Walter to guess the first.
    Walter: Your father?
    Alucard: Nailed it!
    • Alucard's conversation with Pip in episode three. "You're not my friend, you're my bodyguard. Make it past two weeks and I might learn your name. Until then, you're spare blood." Pip dies in episode seven and lets Seras drink his blood.
    • The Major's little speech to Walter in Episode 5 may count. Specifically, his emphasis on how Walter has grown old. Walter referring to him as "an old friend" may be foreshadowing as well.
    • When Pip asks Seras in Episode 6 about her past, we get some flashback images before she tells him nothing significant happened. Guess who's about to take a trip down memory lane.
    • Integra says that if her subordinate was ever in a position to rescue Maxwell the way Anderson just rescued her, Alucard would put a bullet in Maxwell's leg and leave him to die. Maxwell is indeed left to die in Episode 8 - by Anderson, who pins him with a bayonet in the path of Alucard's undead army.
    • When declaring her intent to disobey the Major's orders and attack Hellsing HQ, Zorin says she and her men "will get what we have coming to us". Consider Zorin's fate in the original series...
  • Freeze-Frame Bonus: When Enrico puts the book on the table in episode 3, it reads "ALUCARD (AKA TheCrimsonFucker) Death Threats Log. (KEEP AWAY FROM THE POPE)"
  • Friendly Enemy: Alucard and Anderson...after a fashion. They share a lot of similarities and are perfectly willing to put off trying to kill each other if something kills the mood.
  • Gender Bender: Alucard recalls that he was a girl during World War II and possibly doing the Queen of England in that form.
  • Genki Girl: Miss Rip Van Winkle, but invoked in her case - one of her very first lines was "LOL I'm so random!"
  • Genre Blind: The officials in Episode 3, for actually believing an Obviously Evil vampire who offered them immortality in exchange for killing Alucard.
    Alhambra: Do I look like the kind of guy who would go back on an agreement? By the way, you may need to send more men.
    Police Chief: ...Well, that certainly sounds reasonable.
  • Genre Savvy: Integra and Walter.
    Military Officer: The Special Air Service has deployed two platoons by helicopter! They'll have visual any moment now.
    Walter: Ma'am?
    Integra: Wait for it.
    (Another beat)
    RADAR Operator: We've lost both helis!
  • Gilligan Cut: Almost immediately after Alucard arrives at his suite, we cut to a news report about an attack at the hotel caused by "a young British woman" (Seras) and "some Ozzy Osbourne-looking motherfucker" (Alucard) with Pip spitting out his beer, Father Anderson cackling evilly, and a seething mad Sir Integra demanding the phone so she can call Alucard.
    • When Alucard suggests Nazis are behind the vampire attacks, Integra calls it retarded. The scene then introduces the Nazis. Two episodes later, Integra checks Alucard's Twitter and...
      Integra: It's the fucking-
      Major: NA~ZIS!!
  • Gory Discretion Shot: Alucard eating Luke Valentine for destroying his TV.
    • Also the scene where Alucard kills Rip van Winkle - we get a Smash to Black right as he impales her on her own rifle.
  • Gratuitous Foreign Language: Portugeuse in this case. Alhambra (Mr. Dandy Man) drops a bunch of random Portuguese words in his speech, like "policia","peixe","vampiro","vagabundo". and in a blink-it-and-you'll-miss-it moment quips "Que merda!" ("Oh shit!"). Later on, Pip counts his kills in French ("Unnote , deuxnote , troisnote , quatrenote , cinqnote , sixnote , septnote ...")
  • Groin Attack: "Keep reading or I shoot the other testicle!"
    • "You're going to tell me everything I want to know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana!"
  • Guile Heroine: Integra solves her financial difficulties by letting her backers listen to Alucard's brutal dismemberment of Luke Valentine. They're so terrified that they give her the support she needs without any further hassle.
  • Hates Everyone Equally: Alucard retorts with this (and picks apart the rest of her declaration in different ways) when Rip van Winkle calls him a "racist, cis-gendered, patriarchy-propagating, misogynistic pig".
  • Heel Realization: Played for Laughs when Rip van Winkle asks a British naval officer how it felt to "betray his family, friends, and country all for the selfish desire of immortality." He responds that when she puts it that way he feels like kind of a cunt.
  • HM The Queen: Alucard addresses her as "Betty", they exchange extremely inappropriate and flirtatious banter in which "Betty" waxes nostalgic about a Noodle Incident in her childhood in which she apparently shared a bed with Alucard.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Alucard goes above and beyond the call, to the point where it seems that the only reason he's at all better than his enemies is that he can be bribed into not murdering everything he sees.
  • Hiroshima as a Unit of Measure: Played with when Alucard is going on one of his little "walks" while surrounded by a SWAT team.
    Integra: Walter, be honest with me. What are we looking at in terms of collateral?
    walter: Well... (cut to Alucard exiting an elevator full of dead policemen) ...the Alucard amount.
  • Hollywood Silencer: Notably averted in Episode 3. The report of Pip's gun as he fires it is recognizable as a gunshot, just somewhat quieter and layered over with the classic "fwip" sound effect.
  • Hope Spot: For the Pedophile Priest, so that's okay.
    Enrico: Oh, do not worry, father, I assure you: God is forgiving.
    Priest: Really? Oh, please - (Dramatic Gun Cock behind him)
    Enrico: Just make sure to ask him when you get there.
  • Idiot Hero: Alucard, even though he's clearly not one, will occasionally invoke a more immature attitude if it helps him to better screw with his opponents' heads. Although you can't help but wonder if that attitude is always invoked when you remember that the whole reason he dismembered Luke Valentine was because he was rudely interrupted while in the middle of watching Adventure Time...
  • I Do Not Own: Parodied in episode 3:
    Jan Valentine: The following is a fan-based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is property of Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse — the fuck is this?! You assholes brought me Back from the Dead to read this legal bullshit?! No no no no no! Fuck! That! If I'm gonna come back to life to read a fucking line, then it's gonna be my kinda fuckin' line. (clears throat) My throbbing vampire dick is a fan-based parody. Its shaft, balls, and scrotum, are property of me, Jan Valentine, and whatever bitch I happen to be giving it to at the time. Please support my dick by helping with its official release. You know you want to.
    • Earlier episodes also have Anderson addressing the audience as Protestant fuckbuckets, and the Dandy Man saying something even more obscene.
  • I Know You Know I Know: The Major's true intentions were willingly letting Integra know about Millennium's plan so she can plan around their plan. Now they, in turn, will plan around the plan that she is planning about their plan. The Doctor, naturally, thinks it's absolutely brilliant.
  • I Need a Freaking Drink: A non-alcoholic example; when the fight between Alucard and Anderson in the art gallery has narrowly been averted by Seras and some pensioners, Maxwell — temporarily united with Integra in a 'What the hell just happened?' moment — asks if she wants to go get some coffee. To which she responds "I'd love some."
    • Pseudo example occurs in a lull during Alucard's fight with Alhambra (whose enchanted cards make it difficult for Alucard to regenerate from attacks):
      Alucard: (in a pool of his own blood) Eugh...I could really use a drink...I'm not used to seeing this much of my own blood anymore...that guy's got magic cards...and magic hands...
  • I'm a Humanitarian: Well, it's Alucard. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!"
    • After explaining why his hotel room is full of dead bodies:
    "Silver lining? I can cancel my room service!"
    • In the next scene, he's talking with his mouth full over really audible squelching noises.
  • In Love with Your Carnage: Alucard towards Police Girl... and the Queen towards Alucard, to the point where she asks Alucard to record the dying screams of the Major when they kill him just so she can go to sleep listening to it.
    • Anderson, after seeing Integra step out of her car, decapitate a Nazi vampire, and issue a challenge to fifty more, gains very sudden insight as to why Alucard lusts after her.
  • Insane Troll Logic: By Alucard's reasoning, the attacks are clearly by some large organized group, the Nazis were an large organized group, so it must be Nazis. Much to his delight, he's absolutely right.
  • Interplay of Sex and Violence: Pretty much every character (specifically Seras, Alucard, Jan Valentine, Father Anderson, and the Major) is sexually aroused by war and violence. It's similar to how Dr. Strangelove handled it, only bloodier, gorier, and darker in its humor and brutality.
  • Ironic Echo: During Alucard's fight with Alhambra.
    Alhambra: You activated my trap card.
    Alucard: Shame on you. You activated my Alu-card.
    • And again, for Rip Van Winkle.
    RVW: Check your privilege!
    Alucard: Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
    • Delivered by Integra as far back as Episode 2—
    Jan: (singing) I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck...
    Integra: I'm sorry, we don't give a fuck.
  • Jerkass Stu: Despite the comedic tone of the series, it has a surprisingly good deconstruction of this trope. This version of Alucard lacks any sense of true loyalty to Integra and, as a result, can quite literally get away with anything he wants in-universe. While people will complain, they won't actually do anything to stop him because nobody can. Integra shows just how infuriating and hate-inspiring such a character would be on several occasions. On the plus side, she does find ways to use his power to her advantage (see Guile Heroine).
    Alucard: Oh, what are you gonna do, grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn'tExist?
  • Jerk With A Heart Of Jerk/Troll: How Alucard's characterization can basically be summed up, but especially towards Integra. There is no indication that he follows her orders out of any sense of loyalty. Rather, it seems like she's just bribing him not to destroy everything, and he obeys sometimes because it amuses him.
  • Jive Turkey: Alucard telling his story in Brazil starts with, "I was chillaxin' in mah room like a baller..."
  • Jump Scare: Episode 3 has Alucard do this with the Wild Geese.
  • Land Mine Goes Click: Coupled with a Delayed Reaction for the first Nazi to hit one while trying to storm the Hellsing compound in episode 6.
    Seras: Oh my God they planted landmines!? We walk our dogs out there...
  • Large Ham: Alucard doesn't so much chew the scenery as he does masticate entire sets. Jan is also very fond of getting his ham on, for reasons obvious to anyone who's seen the show. And Father Anderson.
  • Let Me Get This Straight: Alucard lampshades it in his first field report. "It's like I didn't just get through explaining this!"
  • Literal Genie: Integra's bribe comes back to bite her when Alucard refuses to leave the basement when the Valentine brothers attack.
  • Major Obvious: The Major:
    Gentlemen, ve...are Nazis!
  • Metaphorgotten: In the latest of his hundreds of death threats to the Pope, Alucard says that he sends so many because he wants to instill as much fear as he can... like basting a turkey. Which he will then proceed to have sex with. This ends with him saying that he's going to "fuck the fear turkey".
  • Moment Killer: An odd example. Police Girl stops Alucard and Anderson from getting into a fight by leading a large group of old people between them. They both comment on this.
  • Mood Dissonance: So what theme did they go with for abridging a series so violent and bloody? "Party Party Party" by Andrew W.K..
  • Mood Whiplash: A scene usually described as terrifying is, in contrast to the rest of the episode, absolutely not played for laughs.
    • Surprisingly though, the mood whiplashes are actually less severe and less frequent than those in the source material: the original went from slapstick, to Rape as Drama, to Rape as Comedy, to Gorn, to a seriously played character drama. The abridged series is 99% comedy dipped in various shades of blackness.
  • Mugging the Monster: The vampire priest from the first episode, who decided to try and kill Alucard because he assumed Alucard had come to stop him. In fact, Alucard was just having one of his 'enthusiastic walks'.
  • Music to Invade Poland To: Would you believe this is invoked? The Millennium Organization selected via survey to invade England to the song "War" by Edwin Starr.
  • Never Mess with Granny: Queen Elizabeth II is the only person Alucard respects on a personal level, and is very near his level of psychopathy. Their flirting causes one man to swear off sex forever due to their raunchiness. If that isn't enough, they even did it during the blitz (when Alucard was a girl).
  • No, Except Yes: One reversed, one regular, right after each other.
    Alucard: See, that would be intimidating, if you were... well, intimidating.
    Vampire Priest: Are you mocking me!?
    Alucard: Oh, no! No, no, no... (stifling laughter) Yeah. (shoots him)
  • No Man of Woman Born: Rip Van Winkle tries to invoke this when Alucard goes and attacks the carrier she overran. She's unsuccessful.
  • Noodle Incident: While going over one of the problems Alucard caused:
    Sir Islands: ...and while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.
  • Not Me This Time: Alucard really didn't do anything to cause the police to raid his hotel room, that time.
    Integra: What. Did you do?
    Alucard: Oh, alright. But you can't be mad at me.
    Integra: What. Did you do?
    Alucard: Okay, first... I was just minding my own business—
    Integra: (desk slam) BULLSHIT!
    Alucard: (whining) I waaaas!
  • Oh Fuck All Kinds Of Duck: Several:
    • When Integra realizes that Anderson was in Ireland on the same mission as Alucard.
    • When Alexander Anderson think's he's killed Alucard:
      Integra: Where the hell is Alucard?
      Anderson: Oh, him? I killed him!
      Integra: Killed him?
      Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
      Integra: Oh. Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?
      Anderson: Ah, Christ!
    • Jan, upon seeing Police Girl has an anti-tank rifle.
      • And when he charges into the boardroom to find Integra and everyone else aiming a gun in his direction. "Well, that's not fair at all..."
    • Luke, upon seeing how huge the stairs leading to the manor from Alucard's room are.note 
    • Rip Van Winkle when she first feels Alucard coming. And again when he catches her bullet in his teeth and counters her rant about how he's a "racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, misogynistic pig" with his "Reason You Suck" Speech about how an insult like that doesn't apply to him because his boss is a woman, he was a chick in the 1940s, he hates everyone equally, and there's no one alive that can comprehend his sexual preference.
    • Millennium meets landmines.
  • Ooh, Me Accent's Slipping:
    • Rarely, but it happens. On the whole it's a lot better about averting it than most.
    • Noticeable from Seras near the end of Episode 2.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: Discussed in episode 5:
    Penwood: Can't he fly with his vampire powers?
    Integra: What? N-no he can't fly with his vampire powers!
  • Out of Focus: Alucard is almost completely absent throughout Episode 5, only showing up (still on the ship where he fought Rip Van Winkle) at the very end.
  • Overt Operative: Scarlet Tampon is an unintentional one:
    Alucard: Oh, and tell that guy to stop spying on me, it's creepy!
    Scarlet Tampon: Shit shit shit!
  • Pedophile Priest: The most common insult Alucard levels against Catholic characters.
    • In Episode 1, Seras briefly gets in on the act by deducing that the reason she can't seduce Anderson is because she's not an 8-year-old boy.
    • In the promo for Episode 4, Maxwell interrogates a priest who has been spying on Iscariot for Millennium. Maxwell assumed it was the offer of immortality, but the priest simply says it was one "amongst other things". Maxwell is positively disgusted. And then Heinkel shoots the priest through the head.
  • Pet the Dog: Alucard is a very unusual example towards Seras. After saving her just because she "has nice tits", he seems to develop some relationship with her, such as encouraging her to kill zombies with him for fun (which actually impresses him when she does so), requesting a new gun for her (which is later changed to a cannon, because bitches love cannons, which happens to be a BFG), and apparently shares his room with her while taking her and Pip with him on his vacation to Brazil. Also, he's quick to shoot Schrödinger's head off when he thinks the kid is bothering her.
    The Major: Buckingham palace? Laid to waste. Big Ben? Toppled to the ground.
    Soldier: The House of Parlement?
    The Major: Eradicated.
    Officer: The Tower of London?
    The Major: Obliterated!
    The Major: Leave that be. No one will deny what we did.
  • Playing with Puppets: "White Chicks was amazing..."
  • Polite Villains, Rude Heroes: Luke and Alucard (for a loose definition of hero).
  • Power Is Sexy:
    • Seras seems to get rather into her blood rages...
    • Getting berated by Integra is a turn-on for Alucard, much to his displeasure.
    • Ditto his reaction to The Queen of England.
  • Pre-Asskicking One-Liner:
    • Alucard's fight with Luke:
    Alucard: Release restraint level one.
    Luke: Level what?
    • And his fight with Alhambra, doubling as a pun.
    Alucard: Oh, shame for you. You've activated my Alu-Card.
    • Coupled with Ironic Echo, Alucard to Rip Van Winkle, after she called him a racist, cisgendered, patriarch-propagating, homophobic, misogynistic pig:
    Alucard: The funny thing is, in any other circumstance, you might have a point there. Except my boss is a woman, I was a chick in the '40s, I hate everyone equally, and there's NO ONE ALIVE who could comprehend my sexual preference. So in other words, Ms. Van Winkle, chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
  • Psychopathic Manchild: Alucard was watching cartoons in his room before Luke busted in, then proceeded to eat Luke for destroying his TV. Considering who voices him, it's expected.
  • Punctuated! For! Emphasis!:
    The Major: I! Want! WORLD! WAR! THREE!
  • Puppy-Dog Eyes: When the Police Girl is dying and stares at him, Alucard complains the Police Girl is guilting him by looking like a "blonde, eviscerated puppy".
  • Rage Against the Author: Jan Valentine goes completely off the rails when reading the disclaimer.
  • Raging Stiffie: Why Alucard prefers to be on the phone with Integra when she chews him out.
    • Jan's line, "Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner."
  • Real Life Writes the Plot: In the original series, the Pope promoted Maxwell to Archbishop and gave him 3000 Catholic Knights to purge the world of Millennium, only for him to try to conquer London instead. In this series, Maxwell instead assembles the army to take London, and then to take out Pope Francis, due to his humbling of himself and the Catholic Church and his dedication to the poor and marginalized.
  • Red Eyes, Take Warning:
    • Guess what color Police Girl's irises turn when she has one of her little moments.
    "What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"
    • Every vampire's eyes turn red in shadow.
    • In episode 4, when Anderson comes to remove Alucard from Brazil, his eyes glow red instead of the usual white Scary Shiny Glasses. This is also the first time he's genuinely unhappy with Alucard.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Alucard and Walter (their outfits are even colored appropriately), as well as Jan and Luke Valentine. As it happens, the red oni of both teams end up fighting the blue oni of the other, much to the latter's annoyance.
    • Seras is red to Pip's blue as well. When Alucard gets into a fight with the Dandyman, Pip calmly disguises himself as a cop and kills off their leaders (who are sacrificing them for immortality), while Seras gets into the main fight.
    Seras: (firing her automatic rifle at Alhambra) GET SOOOOME!
  • Reverse Psychology: Used by Walter on Alucard to trick him into going on a mission to Brazil. It works.
  • Rule of Funny: The basis of the show, and consequently almost anything Alucard says/does.
  • Running Gag: Alucard's "walks". Anderson being unable to accurately determine the gender of long haired people. (He thinks Integra is a man and Pip is a woman.) People being surprised that Integra is a woman in general.
  • Self-Made Orphan: At least Self-Made Half-Orphan. According to Alucard, his father was the most satisfying person he ever killed.
  • Sex Is Violence
    • After Seras demolishes his ghouls, Jan says that he's going to "die with a raging boner".
    • When Seras leads the seniors between Alucard and Anderson, Alucard says that his boner is gone and Anderson even calls it a mood killer.
    • The Major, especially after his comment on the Cold War.
    The Major: Blue-balled for forty years.
    • Anderson finally realizing why Alucard wants to "plow [Integra's] virgin soil" after seeing her decapitate a Nazi vampire and challenge the rest to the first real fight they've had in years.
  • Shooting Superman:
    Alucard: (Walks in the middle of a SWAT team) Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team opens fire on him) Apparently, it's great!
  • Shout-Out: Now with its own page.
  • Showy Invincible Hero: Alucard, and he knows it.
  • Sidetracked by the Analogy: One of Alucard's many death threats to the Pope mention he sends them so much to instil as much fear as possible "as if basting a turkey" which he will then have sex with. He then goes on to mention how he will "fuck the fear turkey".
  • Small Girl, Big Gun: Seras' anti-tank rifle is almost as big as she is.
  • Smug Super: Alucard.
    (while arguing with Integra): What are you going to do? Grab the guy who can stop me? What was his name... Michael McDoesn'tExist?
  • Soundtrack Dissonance: Invoked by popular vote within Millennium's forces, who decide to invade London while listening to "War" by Edwin Starr.
  • Spoonerism: Alucard is a "fuck-mothering vampire".
  • Stealth Pun: Rip van Winkle talks about her kind of ship being "filled with blood and seamen".
  • Straight Man: Luke, to Jan and Alucard.
  • Stock Footage: Whenever Alucard and Integra are on the phone together.
  • Stock Scream: The Wilhelm Scream can be heard during the Nazi invasion of London in Episode 5.
  • Strange Minds Think Alike: Alucard and Anderson, in terms of killing leprechauns.
    Alucard: I've never hunted down a leprechaun before. Do you think if I shoot them with my gun, Lucky Charms will explode everywhere?
    Anderson: I've never actually found one, but do you think if I cut one open with my knife it would spill out Lucky Charms?
    • During the 2013 TFS 18+ panel at Youmacon, this question was answered. They went and killed one during their spare time off-screen.
    Anderson: Turns out it was Boo Berry.
    Alucard: Who knew, right?
    • Something of a running theme with Anderson and Alucard. In Episode 6, Anderson refutes his subordinate's concern that he's going to run out of bayonets by asserting that he has "bayonets for days"; later in the same episode Seras asks if Alucard has a third eye and Alucard responds that he has "eyes for days."
  • Stupid Sexy Flanders: When Alucard first sees Schrödinger, he mentions the "return of the why-boner. With a vengeance."
  • Suicide as Comedy: Alucard tells the mistress a story:
    Alucard: ...And I killed all but one of them.
    Integra: What happened to the last one?
    (In Alucard's flashback, the last soldier shoots himself in the head.)
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Maxwell towards his "volunteers"
    Maxwell: This is going to be a long crusade...
  • Take That
    • To Twilight in Episode 1.
    • Also from the first episode:
    Alucard: (sniff sniff) Huh? Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here. (Anderson turns the corner) Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
    • And in Episode 3 after he and Anderson decide not to get into a fight:
    Alucard: Kill you later, you Catholic sociopath! Whoops, tautology!
    • 3D gets one in Episode 2 when Alucard says "It's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!"
    • Rip Van Winkle is basically a huge Take That to social justice warriors and meme overdose in general.
  • Tempting Fate: At the end of Episode 4, as a full-on war between Hellsing, Iscariot, and Millenium kicks off:
    Alucard: I better not miss a damn thing.
    • The start of episode 6, when Seras downs one of the Zeppelins.
      Mercer: Holy shit guys! I think we killed them all!
      Nazi vampires start rising from the wreckage, silhouetted by flames
      Mercenary: Hey Mercer - try not to choke on your fucking foot.
    • Similarly, just as Pip complains how boring it is that the Nazi vampires are slamming into the defences like idiots, he gets the news a giant woman has joined the assault and started wrecking the mansion.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Alucard delivers a particularly venemous one in Episode 3 to Enrico Maxwell.
    Alucard: Honestly, if you're going to have a dick-fighting competition with a woman, you must've started with the world's cruelest handicap. Which I'm sure benefits the nine year old boy you have chained up in your private Vatican jet. Which was paid for how? Oh right, generous donations from your followers to spread the word of God...all over his back.
  • Those Wacky Nazis: Millennium is a Nazi remnant.
  • Tranquil Fury: Alucard, of all people. Being the most powerful creature alive and a sarcastic as all hell to boot, it takes a lot to truly rile him up most of the time. But destroying his brand new pimped-out TV while he's in the middle of watching his favorite show is a good start.
    Alucard: That was a 70-inch, plasma screen TV. (sucks air through teeth) So! How can I help you?!
  • Troll: Alucard spends most of his free time doing things just to piss off Integra. The rest goes towards pissing off everyone else.
  • Tsundere: Alucard towards Integra
  • Unstoppable Rage: Seras goes into one destroying Jan Valentine's ghouls. Integra later calls it a "Blood Rage", implying it's something that all true vampires can do.
  • Verbal Backspace:
    Alucard: Now if you don't mind, I've got things to do.
    Integra: What things? You don't do things!
    Alucard: Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods.
    Integra: And kill homicidal vampire priests?
    Alucard: Very enthusiastic walks.
  • Villainous Crush: In Episode 5, we learn that the Major has a... healthy amount of respect for Sir Integra.
    The Major: Any woman who commands the respect of a beast such as Alucard is not to be trifled with. Fantasised of on a lonely Saturday night with a bottle of Chardoney? Most certainly. But not to be trifled with.
  • Volleying Insults: Integra and Maxwell's greeting conversation was a long verbal ping pong game with insults as the ball. Alucard, naturally, trumps Maxwell (and the Catholic Church) by throwing out the insult equivalent of a nuclear strike, which enrages Maxwell so much he calls in Anderson.
  • Waxing Lyrical: In Ultimate 5: "London Bridge is falling down!" "Falling down?" "Falling down!" "London bridge is falling down, my fair lady... what do we do?"
    • Major unironically quotes Edwin Starr's ''War'' as London is attacked and the song plays, to a creepy effect.
    Doctor: Is it everything you ever dreamed of, Major?
    Major: Yes, because it means the destruction of innocent lives. Induction, then destruction, WHO WANTS TO DIE?!
  • We All Live in America: Episode 2 mentions that Alucard crashed Integra's father's car into a Dairy Queen, but they have no branches in England, where Hellsing's HQ is situated. Mind you, it would fit Alucard's character here to take said car all the way to the USA just to smash it into a Dairy Queen, as well as the possibility he crashed it during a mission there.
    • During a panel at ConnectiCon in 2014, Team Four Star confirmed that Alucard did indeed bring the car all the way to America for the Dairy Queen smashing.
    • Additionally, it was brought up that there are no Dairy Queens in England and LittleKuriboh essentially said "I told you so" to Lanipator and KaiserNeko, since he would know this, as he is British.
    • Several smaller other examples, such as a 'pharmacist' being called a 'chemist', and Composition 4 explosive, or C4 being an American name, while the British military uses PE4, or Plastic Explosive 4, which is essentially the same but not quite.
  • What Measure Is a Mook?:
    Alucard: Hey guys, how's your health plan? (SWAT team opens fire) Apparently, it's great!
    (carnage and gore ensue as the cops finally retreat into the elevator)
    Integra: Walter, be honest with me: what are we looking at in terms of collateral?
    Walter: Well...(Alucard walks out of elevator filled with corpses) the Alucard amount.
  • Wrestler in All of Us: Arm bars, everywhere!
  • You Are What You Hate: Rip Van Winkle viciously criticizes Alucard for being bigoted. This coming from a Nazi. He throws this back in her face by pointing out that he's actually not a bigot.
  • Your Mom: Alucard gives a particularly nice one to the SWAT team who bust into his room.
    Alucard: One of them yelled out:
    Alucard: And I responded with: I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT!!
    Alucard: And they took exception to that.
  • Your Vampires Suck: Towards Twilight, in Episode 1. See the quote above.
  • You Will Be Spared: The Major plans to destroy all of London...except the Holocaust Museum. He won't deny to the world what WWII did.

Alternative Title(s): Hellsing Abridged