Characters: Homestuck Post Scratch Kids
aka: Homestuck Alpha
"The Nobles will arrive one by one. [...] One by one, the Nobles will come, only to discover the remains of those who worshiped them and paved the way for their arrival. But it is then their duty to pave the way for others. For those from the planets through the glass, whatever that means."
When John and company "scratched" their session at the end of Act 5, things changed. Their session and universe were subjected to a cosmic Reset Button
, and the resulting rebooted universe wasn't quite
like the old one. Many things, both large and small, were different, presumably to enable mankind to have a better chance at winning Sburb. The most prominent change is that the original kids
and their parents
have switched places, and now it's the guardians-turned-kids who will tackle the new session. (In actuality, though, they're paving the way for the other kids to arrive.)
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The post-Scratch kids in general
"Though you guess that probably comes with the territory of being the HEIRESS APPARENT TO A BAKED GOODS EMPIRE. You don't suppose it hurts that you are said empire's NUMBER ONE FANGIRL, either! It should come as no surprise that you enjoy BAKING, but you also adore reading DETECTIVE STORIES. You fancy yourself a SKILLED PRANKSTRESS, if by no other measure than lineage. Though at times you feel it's tough to fill those shoes when you are SURROUNDED BY JOKERS. Seriously, the shenanigans perpetrated by your pals make your old school japes feel KIND OF PEDESTRIAN SOMETIMES, but oh well, you love them all anyway."
The post-Scratch iteration of Nanna Egbert, and John's Post-Scratch counterpart, Jane is the heiress to the great Betty Crocker empire and the comedic legacy of her forefathers.
Her chumhandle is gutsyGumshoe. She is the Maid of Life
of the Post-Scratch Human Session and is the leader of said session.
Her fetch modus is RECIPE, which allows her to view all the possible Alchemization combinations allowed to create the items she puts in it, as well as the grist cost for each combination, and her STRIFE SPECIBUS
is allocated to the SPOONKIND ABSTRATUS
, which can switch to
the FORKKIND ABSTRATUS
She speaks with proper grammar and capitalization, and uses a spot of old lingo.
HOWEVER, SHE USES ALL CAPS AND MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION MARKS WHEN EXCITED OR INFURIATED!!!
She also likes using bucktoothed emotes! :B
And she has a distinctive laugh. Hoo hoo!
- Gosh Dang It to Heck!: Jane scrupulously avoids using any actual swear words, initially at least. As time has gone on, she's started peppering her speech with them.
- Grammar Nazi: As seen in this BettyBother:
GT: A joint gift to him from she and i.
GG: Her and me.
GT: What? Who and you now?
GG: "A joint gift from her and me." Grammar, Jake!
- Red Eyes, Take Warning: Her irises and robes turn bright red when she's being controlled by the Condesce.
- Revive Kills Zombie: Her Trickster Modes life power kills undead underlings instantly.
- Right-Hand Cat: The normally aloof GCAT suddenly teleports into Crockertier Jane's arms so she can get her Blofeld on while talking to Jake.
- Rule of Symbolism: When John made his Cruxite Artifact, needed to enter the Medium, he created a tree that dropped an apple. When Jane makes her Cruxite Artifact, she makes a tree that doesn't drop anything and simply vanishes.
- Significant Monogram: "JC".
- Single-Target Sexuality: Towards Jake. Even after going Trickster and Crockertier.
- Skeptic No Longer: She starts trusting Calliope and Roxy at their word shortly before starting the game.
- Spoiled Sweet: Subversion. She's the heir to the most powerful company on earth and has a small hint of snobbishness towards the lower classes, but she's quite friendly and sweet to her friends. The subversion is that she doesn't seem to have any of the actual wealth that would come with her station, and other than having a few advanced BCCorp prototypes and a bunch of "useless" boondollars, she just lives a normal, suburban, middle-class life.
- Stealth Pun: Jane was compelled to lick the lollipop juju despite not knowing what it did, and instantly shifted into Trickster Mode. She got suckered.
- Stepford Smiler: Her Trickster Mode is a subversion...at first. In the flash sequence that the form debuts in, it initially looks like she's in pain, though the subsequent A6A5A2 intro flash shows that she is legitimately having a blast. Nevertheless, she goes to LOMAX in A6A5A2, and the one reason she would go there suggests that she is, in fact, a Type C.
- Strong Family Resemblance: She heavily resembles Jade (genetically her daughter) both in appearance and personality, though she tends toward despair rather than rage when sufficiently antagonized.
- Swiss-Army Weapon: It can change back and forth from SPOONKIND to FORKKIND at the touch of a button.
- Symbol Swearing: Uses "&%#$@!!!" as a swear towards a drunken Roxy.
- Tastes Like Diabetes: Deliberately invoked with her Trickster Mode, which, among other things, turns Horrorterrors into Squiddles.
- Various people in Something Awful's MSPA thread: "She went so grimdark she became jollybright!"
- Took a Level in Jerkass: While Jade is still polite when Grimbark, Crockertier Jane dispenses with any pleasantries by being ruthless in any way possible, as well as letting people know exactly what she thinks of them.
- Trickster Archetype: Though like John, she freely admits she's awful at pranks.
- Tritagonist: John is the main protagonist, Karkat is the deuteragonist, and Jane is shaping up to the tritagonist to them note .
- Trope 2000: The aforementioned Junior Battermaster's Bowlbuster Stirring Solution 5000.
- True Blue Femininity: Her sigil and text color are a bright shade of cyan.
- Twitchy Eye: During a conversation between her and Jake, where Jake is telling her about his relationship problems with Dirk, she gets increasingly more and more annoyed, to the point of having her eye twitching. And then she snapped.
- Used to Be a Sweet Kid: She used to be pretty forgiving and friendly of her friends. However, following the events of her 16th birthday, she became increasingly bitter and impatient. Being mind controlled doesn't help.
- Uncanny Valley Girl/Makeup: Trickster Mode, obviously.
- Weak-Willed: She's been subtly brainwashed by the Batterwitch her whole life, partially by her Brain/Computer Interface tiara. So when it gets slapped back on her at the end of Act 6 Act 5 and turned on for real, she ends up one of the Condesce's pawns in a matter of seconds.
- Whatever: In response to Dad's grounding her.
- Worthless Yellow Rocks: Jane starts with a fortune in Boondollars, a fetch modus that tells alchemy recipes, and a device that can render objects back into their component grist, but has no clue just how valuable all of these things are before the game starts. Justified because outside of Sburb, they genuinely are useless.
- You Are Grounded: Her punishment after getting caught outside the house staring into the sky too long. You might say she's stuck at home. It might also have had something to do with the assassination attempts on her...
- Grounded even more firmly by being blocked in her room by bathtub after she slips out and nearly get assassinated again by a mail bomb.
"God DAMN do you love WIZARDS.
You wish and hope they are REAL, and that so too is their MAJYYKS AND STUFF. You enjoy writing FANPROSE FOR SAID MAGICAL MEN, but you think maybe it's NOT SO GREAT. You are however QUITE GREAT at the esoteric sciences, such as ECTOBIOLOGY, DARK FENESTROLOGY, and the delicate art of APPEARIFICATION. You have tended to accrue dead preserved SPECIMENS from your experiments, little to none of which AREN'T FELINE."
The post-Scratch iteration of Mom Lalonde, and Rose's Post-Scratch counterpart. She's a perpetually drunk, upbeat, flirty, and paranoid genius.
Her chumhandle is tipsyGnostalgic. She is the Rogue of Void
of the Post-Scratch Human Session.
Her STRIFE SPECIBUS
is allocated to both the RIFLEKIND ABSTRATUS
and the FISTKIND ABSTRATUS
. Her fetch modus is MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE.
she types with no punctuation except for EMPHASIS or to make a point???
swears all the goddamn time and uses netspeak like lmao a lot
makes a lot of typosp when durnk and sometimes uses * to correct hreslef
- Anything That Moves: Roxy declines to put a label on her orientation, although there are pretty strong suggestions of Bi the Way.
- Has expressed attraction to Dirk, despite knowing about his Incompatible Orientation.
- Roxy has some attraction to Jake, although unlike Jane and Dirk she's content not to act on it.
- She remarks on how hot Jane's Dad is, a callback to the relationship her Guardian incarnation had with him.
- She also starts considering John as boyfriend material as soon as they meet.
- Roxy has been Ship Teased with Jane. The last occurred in an Easter Egg, [S] Ride, and may just be a Shout-Out to the relatively popular ship of Jane/Roxy, often called "Cotton Candy". She couldn't make herself kiss Jane's dead body to resurrect her, but actually seemed disappointed when Dirk took over. Recounting the event later, she says she was squicked by Jane's Blood from the Mouth but expresses no hesitation about kissing another girl.
- While she came to the conclusion that it would never work out, Roxy has actually devoted some thought to the possibility of sex or romance with a carapacian.
- Badass in Distress: Was temporarily imprisoned in the jail in Derse during Act 6 Act 5.
- She is imprisoned once again in Act 6 Act 6 alongside Distressed Dude Jake, when menaced by a mind-controlled Jade and Jane.
- Cassandra Truth: Knows more about Betty Crocker's true identity and schemes than any other character seen so far (except for perhaps Nanna), but Jane doesn't trust her on virtually anything, causing a major source of angst.
- On the other hand, she doesn't want any "pity believins." She's a scientist and she wants to prove that she's right about this. Her failure to do this with her appearifier early on with Jane was part of what led to Jane treating her skeptically.
- Cat Smile: Both on her shirt and used in text on occasion.
- Chekhov's Gunman: We now finally know who the girl was that Jaspers spent the rest of his life with after having been taken from Rose.
- To an even greater extent, Mom Lalonde's odd bedroom in the Skaianet lab proved to be largely relevant to Roxy, making her presence alluded to since Act 3.
- Chivalrous Pervert: The only thing stopping her from hitting on Jake is that Jane has a thing for him. She has a much harder time staying away from Dirk and respecting his boundaries, though.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Nigh constantly.
- Disappointed In You: She's afraid this is how Dirk will feel after she falls off the wagon as a trickster.
- So Proud of You: How he really feels about her decision to quit in the first place.
- Distressed Damsel: While not exactly in distress at the moment, she does fit the role of a captive under another's control or menace, which does fit the description.
- Domino Mask: Sports one after going Godtier.
- Dudley Do-Right Stops to Help: When the Red Miles are ravaging future earth, her entire city is on fire, there are Crockerdrones everywhere and Jane is waiting to send Roxy into Sburb and (relative) safety, what does Roxy do? Does she run straight back to her house, or does she stop to save every Carapician she can see? (If you guessed based on the trope title, that's cheating.)
- Gamer Chick: She has a Super Nintendo Entertainment System, GameCube, Game Boy, Nintendo Wii, PlayStation, and Xbox360 in her room, and...
- Hard-Drinking Party Girl: Even though she's not even 16 in the first three acts.
- The Alcoholic: Played for laughs and she's quite a bit underage, though it's implied later that she does it in part to try and deal with living in an After the End wasteland, which might veer into deconstruction territory. She quit cold turkey after entering The Medium, suggesting this theory.
- Rose possibly reconstructs it by claiming her doomed timeline self started drinking mainly out of bored experimentation due to not having much to do. Roxy is quite possibly in the same position.
- Foreshadowing: Nobody is around to stop her from drinking, as she's one of the few remnants of humanity left.
- Off The Wagon: Her sobriety is temporarily reversed when she goes into Trickster Mode.
- Hello, Nurse!: Dave and John both responded positively to seeing her in dreambubbles. Dave's reaction to finding out she was a genetic duplicate of his mother wasn't kind.
- How Do I Shot Web?: At least at first, she has no idea how to use her God Tier powers for anything but summoning perfectly generic objects and pumpkins.
- Hypocritical Humor:
TG: prensent tense
TG: grammar jane
- Incompatible Orientation: Roxy has a crush on Dirk, but keeps quiet about it because she knows he's gay. Dirk confides to Jane that he's aware of this and wishes he could give Roxy what she wants but cannot bring himself to lie to her.
- Is extremely suspicious of Betty Crocker, yet has almost exactly the same hairdo.
- As a scientist it is her duty to find and organize knowledge. As a Hero of Void she is capable of not only hiding it, but destroying it as well.
- Kicking Ass in All Her Finery: As of Act 6 Act 4, and combined with Zettai Ryouiki (which, based on the apparent dress length, is of Grade B).
- Kindhearted Cat Lover: "D'aw who are you kidding. You can't stay mad at cats."
- Crazy Cat Lady: Downplayed. She has a huge collection of mutant cats in her lab that she loves dearly, but it's accidental and not a sign of mental illness or social ineptitude.
Why did you have to clone so many cats? Why did they all have to breed so much? Why do they all have to be so friendly???
- Promptly subverted when she encounters a group of Carapacians in her lab hunting her cats. She doesn't begrudge them at all for it.
- Leet Lingo: Uses the most out of anyone in the comic.
- Loveable Rogue: And she essentially describes the trope when talking to Calliope about the difference between the Rogue and Thief classes.
TG: so basically
TG: a thief is like the asshole class
TG: the player who says step off shits mine suckas
TG: a rogue
TG: is bascially robin hood
- Mad Scientist: Her idea of testing portals is to throw mutant cats in them.
- Omnidisciplinary Scientist: She's a competent hacker, ectobiologist, and esoteric physicist. She's also at least a fair roboticist.
- Magic Kiss: How she converts Dirk to Trickster Mode.
- Subverted in that it only partially works.
- Meaningful Name: Her chumhandle — a combination of the words "Gnostic" and "nostalgia" — is named after an actual company that sells absinthe.
- Not to mention someone from the far future communicating with the past being nostalgic about it.
- Mythology Gag: Roxy gets attacked as soon as she ends up on the other side of an unpowered window, which was a constant threat in their original appearance in Problem Sleuth.
- Odd Name Out: Roxy is the only two syllable first name amongst all of the Kids.
- Of Corpse He's Alive: When speaking to Jane she talks as though her mother was still alive. This is because in Jane and Jake's time, she is.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Before her real name was revealed she was called by a variety of nicknames. Dirk calls her RL. Jane calls her Ro-Lal.
- Only Sane Woman: She seems to be the only one not caught up in her friends' drama and is trying to get things together in preparation for an upcoming battle.
- And during the Trickster Mode madness, she quickly realizes that her friends have gone insane and promptly starts running the fuck away from them while using her Void powers to hide, even begging the Condesce to throw her back in jail to get away from them.
- It gets Subverted and smashed like the pumpkin that made it so when she is also converted into a Trickster.
- Pink Means Feminine: The pink cat Mutini on her shirt. All of her game systems are painted pink too, and all her plush wizards are pink.
- Playful Hacker: Stole her copy of Sburb from Crockercorp servers and brags to Jane about it, if somewhat facetiously by way of exaggerating, invoking Hollywood Hacking and acknowledging it. She then admits that the game wasn't really encrypted or protected at all, so it was less "hacking" and more "downloading".
- Though Roxy is good enough at coding ~ATH to blow up people's computers... though that's also what the programming language is best at.
- Portal Door: Her black fenestrated planes act as two-way portals; when she goes through one plane she comes out at another one set up in her house. But the space in between the planes...
- Windowspace Is A Scary Place: ...is actually The Furthest Ring. This leads to a surreal moment where an awake Roxy passes her sleepwalking Dream Self. And then it turns out this was foreshadowed as early as Act 2.
- Teleport Gun: Roxy has alchemized a portal-window jumping system as of Act 6 Act 4.
- Power of the Void: Rare heroic example, as the Rogue of Void. All Void heroes seem to have Psychic Block Defense against scrying, and she also has the power to conjure up objects by stealing the essence of nothingness from them.
- Precocious Crush: Toward Jane's Dad. But we all know why that is...
- Raised by Wolves: Or rather by Carapacians, which in large part helps explain her whimsical nature.
- Ray Gun:
- Her preferred weapon for use with her RIFLEKIND ABSTRACTUS. Well, a ray rifle actually.
- Her appearifier also looks like a ray gun pistol.
- Reality Warper: Her Void powers allow her to steal nothingness. This seems like a pretty weak skill, but it turns out she can also steal the concept of nothingness, essentially conjuring an object out of thin air by stealing that object's non-existence.
- Sad Clown: She is a very upbeat person but she is utterly sick of being The Cassandra for Jane and Dirk has hinted she's hiding a lot of issues.
- Scarf of Asskicking: Like the Mom Lalonde of the Pre-Scratch session.
- Ship Tease: With everyone.
- Sleepwalking: Her dream self keeps wandering off in Derse, seeking out the void. At one point, it actually passes by Roxy's real self as she's going through a fenestrated plane.
- So Proud of You: Dirk is extremely proud of her and asks Jane to tell her that before both planets are destroyed by the Condesce and Jack.
TT: Tell her that I'm proud of her.
TT: And as a person she's everything I wish I could be.
TT: I wish I could be as nice and loving and selfless as her.
TT: But can't.
- Super Strength: Possibly. She managed to break free of a strangle hold by a magenta-blooded ghost troll and then jumped several times her own height to an active window above her, though this was in a dreambubble, so normal physics might not apply. All FISTKIND wielders we've seen so far have demonstrated this trope, including her B1 counterpart, who punched out a giant.
- Troubling Unchildlike Behavior: Again, she's 15/16 and drinks. Regularly. And as Jane points out, during the day. Justified by living After the End and being raised by non-humans to boot.
- The Unreveal: Parodied - the narration builds up to revealing her first name, only to show that the last two letters are blocked by a cat's tail. The next update properly reveals her first name.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: With Jane.
- What the Hell, Hero?: She purposely sends Jane a bogus copy of Sburb that will explode her computer when run, just to make Jane believe her about the Batterwitch. When Jane and Dirk realize this, they discuss the extremeness of her actions.
- My God, What Have I Done?: Once Jane comes to her hat in hand about how she should've always trusted her, Roxy feels quite like a jerk about having done this. Unfortunately, she doesn't get a chance to disarm it before Jane sets it off anyway.
"Holy SHIT do you love PUPPETS.
"If you weren't so DAMN ALOOF and actually let people GET A LOAD, you might get described all kindsa ways. Maybe tagged as a RENAISSANCE NINJA, PHILOSOPHER PRINCE, and FLASHSTEP PUPPETEER. Or perhaps a PANTHEONIC IRONICIST, GANGSTA LOGICIAN, LUCID WAKER and DERSITE SPY. Screw descriptors though, as if the shits you give ain't nil. You're cool with dabbling in the FINE SEQUENTIAL ARTS, and your work could be viewed by some as BORDERLINE PORNOGRAPHIC. And to those philistines you'll be heard wondering, what the fuck do you mean BORDERLINE?"
The post-Scratch iteration of Bro Strider, and Dave's Post-Scratch counterpart. He is a stoic and intelligent Polymath
who looks out for his friends and builds robots ...which then he proceeds to demolish in death matches
. He also loves puppets and horses.
His chumhandle is timaeusTestified. He is the Prince of Heart
of the Post-Scratch Human Session.
His STRIFE PORTFOLIO contains SPECIBI for BLADEKIND
, which he considers his main SPECIBUS, and two Joke Weapons
, and FNCYSNTAKIND
His fetch modus is TECH-HOP, a Mythology Gag
to And It Don't Stop◊
. It's fairly complicated but is the best modus for hashrap enthusiasts
Speaks with proper grammar, capitalization, and punctuation,
Except for when he breaks a sentence into two lines.
Is prone to very verbose and formal remarks, including sarcasm and extended metaphors.
Doesn't use emoticons. Sometimes uses Bro 'puns', such as Brobot or Brocurement.
- Anguished Declaration of Love:
- Subverted. He's had a long-unspoken crush on Jake, but rather than declare his affections himself, he manipulates Jake into making the first move to save his life.
- He even lampshaded this trope and how weak he thought it was.
- Which is called back to when Jake finally kisses him/his severed head: Oceans will rise. Cities will fall. Volcanoes will erupt.
- Animal Motifs: Gulls to correspond to Dave's crows. The brighter portion of his symbol is a stylized gull as well.
- He also seems to be frequently associated with horses.
- Anime Hair: Shaped like a bird, similarly to Dave's.
- Assassin Outclassin': Hegemonic Brute was required to take out Dirk. He didn't stand a chance.
- Author Avatar: To a greater extent than Dave, but still not a 1:1 copy of Hussie. Dirk however more closely resembles Hussie as he is now, which is to say that he's a lot less prone to ironic gestures though he still enjoys them.
- Ascended Meme: He used the phrase "You're welcome." to Roxy criticizing him, much like a memetic picture of Andrew Hussie.
- Awesome Tattoo: Of Hella Jeff, just like Hussie.
- Badass: Much like his Pre-Scratch counterpart.
- Badass Boast: Addressed to the government of Derse and received by the Draconian Dignitary:
The Prince is awake.
Your shit is wrecked.
- Badass Gay: Although he doesn't like to have his sexuality labeled.
- Bad Powers, Good People: Lampshaded. Dirk's reaction to finding out that his Sburb role could be translated to Destroyer of Souls is that it sounds cool, but he's not sure it's useful for anyone but a "cartoonishly villainous sorcerer."
- Bash Brothers: With Jake, as of Act 6 Act 4.
- Big Ol' Eyebrows: They seem to run in the family.
- Bowties Are Cool: In Trickster Mode. It's not as noticeable as Jake's, especially since it's less tacky, despite it being yellow, and he certainly cannot think it's cool in his current emotional state.
- Broken Ace: He's the most martially gifted of any of the shown players, incredibly intelligent, witty to a fault, but has no sense of self and genuinely believes an inanimate puppet is his closest friend.
- Call Back: Has a striking tendency to use phrases oft repeated throughout the story and occasionally comments when others do it too, meaning it may well tie into his abilities as the Prince of Heart.
- There's already been one character who types in orange with the initials DS.
- He's got a lot of copies of himself and alternate versions around, like Dave.
- The ability to have your Dreamself run around while your real self is awake is similar to Pickle Inspector and Mobster Kingpin's Abstracted Thought Tech.
- Nepeta and Eridan, the only other known Hero of Heart and Prince respectively, both had unrequited romantic hopes.
- His STRONG wifebeater outfit stems from Hussie briefly considering giving him one in the preliminary design process, and his Hella Jeff tattoo seen while wearing it is based on Hussie's own Hella Jeff tattoo.
- Dirk isn't the first character in Homestuck to build robots in order to fight them, nor is he the first one to give someone a robot as a gift as a bizarre form of courtship. He also has a wifebeater as one of his outfits, likes horses, has odd fetishes and bizarre porn, and is crushing on a tomb-raiding adventurer who died in some way before entering the game. All of these traits are shared with Equius, who quite naturally becomes one half of Dirk's sprite.
- The Chessmaster: Double Subverted. He claims to be this, but things start spiraling out of his control shortly after he claims that. Then, he pulls off a Stable Time Loop Thanatos Gambit where [S] Synchronize and [S] Unite happen. He (or AR) manages to arrange, in the middle of all this chaos, for Jake to kiss his decapitated head in front of himself, Roxy, and Jane despite all four of them being dead or KO'ed at the time he kicked it all into motion.
- Cool Mask: He wears one resembling his Rocket Board in Act 6 Act 4. He and Jake wear these masks to protect them from the seemingly toxic atmosphere of LOTAK.
- Cool Shades: Triangle Shades, to be specific, and they don't just look cool. They're also one of his computers and house the Auto Responder. He even wears them on his gas mask.
- Decapitation Presentation: After killing the Hegemonic Brute, Dirk decided to stop pretending to be asleep and announced himself to Derse by sticking HB's head on a pike in full public view with a note. (See Badass Boast above.)
- Did You Think I Can't Feel?: Asks this of Jake when breaking up with him.
- Exact Words: Uses this to hide the fact that he was actually from hundreds of years in the future from Jake and Jane.
GT: Yeah but come on its not like youre from a century in the future.
TT: Well. No.
- Flash Step: So fast it might as well be Teleport Spam.
- Fragile Speedster: Crazy fast, but any blow to either self will knock them both out cold. While he isn't actually fragile, any noticeable hit affects him effectively twice over.
- Furry Fandom: Specifically, horse furries. And yes, in that way.
- Genius Bruiser: One of the smartest characters and arguably the most badass one before the game starts as well.
- Genre Savvy: He knows not to cut Aranea's arm off after she gloats to him to, sensing that it's a trap. What does he do instead? Tear her goddamn soul out of her body.
- Grumpy Bear: As a Trickster, he's as sane as he usually is and just as mopey, if not more so.
- Heart Is an Awesome Power: His powers are much more dangerous and effective than the name would imply.
- Hive Mind: Limited to two bodies. He's always awake on Derse and aware of his dream self's body. He just pretends to sleep because controlling two bodies at once is difficult.
- Incompatible Orientation: Roxy has a crush on him, but while Dirk loves her like a sister, he can't reciprocate her feelings. As he points out Jane on the quest beds, Jake was the only viable love interest for all three of the other Post-Scratch kids, due to their conflicting orientations.
- Interplay of Sex and Violence: His "courtship" of Jake consists of beating the hell out of him through a robot proxy to train him, as well as playing aggressive mind games.
- Inventory Management Puzzle: The only Post-Scratch Kid to have a genuinely difficult FETCH MODUS. Everything in a GROOVE ROW must share a theme like puppets, orange soda, or stuff about bros. Everything in a SHADE COLUMN must rhyme. If you can't find a slot for an item that matches both (after creative renaming) you can't pick it up.
- Irony: Obsessed with the various levels and meanings within meanings of ironic gestures, attempting to refine the concept to its highest levels. Essentially, by intense commitment to the absurd, you gain the "sincerity" of reverence to the ridiculous, which means that you "mean it" on a level that is impenetrable to non-ironic minds, a fact which itself can be mined for additional humor.
- Creator In-Joke: Which is exactly how Hussie has described his Affectionate Parody of Con Air.
- His mocking edit of the kids' book he gave Jane is a prime example of just how he tends to get carried away with this. Note that this is also a Creator In-Joke; Hussie has done similar edits.
- Joke Weapon: One of his three weapons of choice are FANCY SANTAS. Nobody's sure how to damage someone with one, but if someone can figure it out it's probably him.
- Katanas Are Just Better: The weapon of choice for a guy who has a bunch of swords.
- Unbreakable Katanas Are Just Better: Though this property has popularly been assumed since Dave attempted to break Bro's sword, it was confirmed when the sword was re-alchemized as one of the seven legendary Trickster weapons.
- Leitmotif: "Beatdown"
- Literal Split Personality: Between the AR, Squarewave, Sawtooth, and his dreamself, Dirk has a very fractured sense of self, which ties into his personal journey. One of Dirk's "splinters" as they're referred to in universe even turns up in Jake's subconscious.
- Mad Scientist: Dirk downplays his own scientific knowledge, saying that in the future, the technology level has greatly advanced, but he still has chunks of uranium and random robots all around his apartment.
- Marionette Master: His puppets are weapons.
- Matchmaker Crush: A dream splinter of him offers pointers to Jake on how to woo Aranea, but seems content to let him make a complete fool of himself in their presence.
- Meaningful Name: The first part of his chumhandle can refer to any one of these guys. His chumhandle may also refer to the Turing Test thanks to his auto-response program which is almost indistinguishable from himself.
- Me's a Crowd: Is the only known player yet to be able to keep his Dreamself and Realself active at the same time, though it's a bit difficult.
- Mr. Exposition: Does this a lot.
- MST: Gave Jane a copy of Pony Pals: Detective Pony that started with tons of penciled in snarky comments, and then progressed to in-line edits, until he finally went Off the Rails into a full replacement of the book, keeping only the chapter titles and turning into a "tough, draining read" that's "cathartic in all the worst ways."
- Mythology Gag: His TECH-HOP modus is lifted straight from And It Don't Stop◊, including Grooves (themes) and Shades (rhymes). Plus Dirk battles with robots, which is where the TECH in TECH-HOP comes from in And It Don't Stop.
- Nice Hat: He loves hats in general but doesn't want to muss his hair, so we hears an orange baseball cap as his icon on his shirts. The brighter portion of the icon is a stylized Gull. He also has some hats lying around his apartment.
- No Sell: He's immune to the sugar rush effects of Trickster mode because of how much self-loathing he has for himself.
- No Social Skills: Can usually hide this behind his aloof irony, but when he's not in a position of mental or physical superiority over someone else, he comes off as flustered, desperately needy, and completely oblivious to other people's feelings. Jake suggests this might be because he was raised in isolation, though he reverses himself when he realizes that he's exactly the same and turned out just dandy.
- Not-So-Imaginary Friend/Spirit Advisor: When Jake falls unconscious in the frog temple he encounters an imaginary version of Dirk in his dream bubble. This Dirk can only be seen or heard by Jake (because he came from Jake's mind) and Terezi (presumably because she's the Seer of Mind). Strangely, he still remains behind when Jake wakes up and when Dirk's Dream Self in knocked unconscious the imaginary Dirk suddenly becomes Dream Dirk, rendering himself visible and audible to the other people in the dream bubble. He also seems to retain his memories of being imaginary Dirk.
- Of Corpse He's Alive: When speaking to Jane he talks as though his brother was still alive. This is because in Jane and Jake's time, he is.
- Off with His Head!: He does this to the Hegemonic Brute.
- His plan to get everyone safely into the game and out of the Miles involves him doing it to himself via Portal Cut.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Similar to Roxy, before his name was revealed he was called by various nicknames — Strider, DS, Di-Stri, and to a lesser extent, Bro.
- Only Sane Man: Dirk tended to be the cool, level-headed kid in any conversation. He was the last non-Trickster among the post-scratch kids before he, too, was ultimately converted... Yet even after that, he still uses his normal text color, and has very little change in personality compared to the others. He even states that Trickster mode has done virtually nothing, except bring the problems to the forefront.
- Oracular Urchin: Has been awake and aware on Derse for years, which explains his extensive pre-game knowledge of the session.
- Passive-Aggressive Kombat: With his AR. With one being a copy of the other and with both enjoying irony and messing with other people's heads, it was practically inevitable.
- Pay Evil unto Evil: He ripped out Aranea's soul after she knocked out Roxy and messed with Jake's head.
- Perverse Puppet: Has them in his room. Along with Lil' Cal.
- Pet the Dog: His rationale for leaving his auto-responder on as much as possible.
TT: It is a fully cognitive, self-aware entity I am responsible for, not even to mention an approximate
cerebral duplicate of myself.
TT: You donít just make a clone of yourself to live in a dead end existence where it has no chance to
thrive as an individual or surpass its limitations.
TT: Thatíd be sick.
- Portal Cut: Does it to his own head. All part of a Stable Time Loop Thanatos Gambit.
- Punny Name: A sword user named Dirk.
- Unfortunate Names: Similar enough to "Dick" that the jokes practically write themselves, especially considering his interests and sexuality.
- Real Men Wear Pink: He has pictures of horses in his room... including Rainbow Dash. He also has a tiny Maplehoof - as in an actual Fun Size horse. As with all of his interests, the line between irony and sincerity is blurred.
"OK FINE, YOU LOVE THIS ONE PARTICULAR LITTLE RAINBOW HORSE UNIRONICALLY, IS THAT SUCH A CRIME."
"She is so spunky. <3"
- Robot Master: He has built several robots for himself and his friends, including a sparring bot, a PesterChum-using bot, rapping bots, and a robot bunny.
- Serious Business: Considers irony to be this.
- Sky Surfing: Remember how Bro Strider had a rocket board? Dirk does too.
- Spanner in the Works: Brain Ghost Dirk ends up seriously screwing up Aranea's plans. This is made all the better considering that she's the one that ended up bringing him into existence in the first place.
- Sophisticated as Hell: Less so than his Auto-Responder, but it's still present in his own conversations.
- Stealth Pun: The Prince class carries the meaning of "destroyer of" or "one who destroys with". As the Prince of Heart, this makes Dirk a Heartbreaker.
- The Stoic: Just about the only one taking everything seriously in his Session. Not that he can't loosen up and goof off himself, but he understands the full implications of Sburb much better than anyone else. He would like to goof off more, but he has too many responsibilities and important things to take care of. Even Trickster mode is incapable of pushing its manic sugar rush insanity onto him - he's still just as stoic.
- Not So Stoic: He completely loses it talking to the Auto Responder later on out of self-loathing, even threatening to destroy it. Shortly afterward, he freaks out a little when trickster!Roxy starts putting the moves on him.
- Teen Genius: To the point where Jake considers him more intelligent than Roxy. However, he downplays some of his robotics skills, saying that building a robot in his time is akin to putting a computer together in Jake and Jane's.
- Thanatos Gambit: Kills himself through Portal Cut so Jake will kiss his severed head in the past. This revives Dirk as his Dream Self, allowing him to save Jane and Roxy. And then go back in time and wake Jake up to kiss his severed head.
- Trickster Mentor: He sent Jake's training bot in pieces to him for him to assemble, making him "complicit in his own merciless jungle predation" with the goal of training him into a "ruthless killing machine." It's worth mentioning that said robot can catch bullets or cut them in half with its sword on easy mode and will pummel Jake into the ground mercilessly.
- The Unreveal: Parodied the same way as Roxy's name above - only this time the letters are obscured by a Fun Size Maplehoof.
- What the Hell, Hero?: When AR/Lil Hal is trying to persuade Dirk not to kill him, he reminds him: "I know that you know this is wrong."
- Your Soul Is Mine: One his abilities as the Prince of Heart.
- Zen Survivor: He enjoys playing up this persona, mostly to infuriate Jake.
GT: Oh my god you can be one opaque motherfucker just clue me in bro!
"Not a gent of your PANACHE AND SWAGGER, qualities which you would BANDY WITH APLOMB on your globe-spanning adventures, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. You would love to travel around the world, toppling any SACRED URNS you encountered. You'd be tickled by the opportunity to defile HALLOWED TOMBS everywhere, raiding them of their treasures. And how you'd give your RIGHT LEG for a shot at desecrating THE SHIT out of some real life MYSTIC RUINS for their byzantine wares. Luckily for your limb, there is a dandy set of such ruins nearby, and you desecrate them quite frequently!"
The post-Scratch incarnation of Grandpa Harley, and Jade's Post-Scratch counterpart. He is Jade's penpal, communicating with her across the two Earth universes, and he assisted in the creation of the cyborg bunny and provided its weapons
His chumhandle is golgothasTerror. He is the Page of Hope
of the Post-Scratch Human Session.
His STRIFE SPECIBUS
is allocated to the 2X PISTOLKIND ABSTRATUS
. His fetch modus is PUZZLE, which can hold a truly absurd number of items as long as the pieces fit.
He starts with capitals and ends with punctuation but thats all he does!
He uses a mix of archaic slang and indubitably motherfucking virile profanity.
WHEN HE GETS ANGRY THOUGH IT IS A DADBLASTED FRIGGIN SIGHT TO BEHOLD! ALL HIS WORDS ARE RENDERED IN CAPS, AND EXCLAMATION POINTS ABOUND!!!!
He also sometimes uses role playing emotes like this. *adjusts glasses knowingly
- Adorkable: He thinks he's like Nathan Drake, but in reality he'd be that character's understudy at best. Add to that that he's oblivious about all the romantic attention he gets and that he's a bigger geek than John, and you've got yourself one admirable nerd.
- Adventurer Archaeologist: Aspires to be one.
- Ancestral Weapon: His Weapon of Choice, Twin M9 Barettas, are part of an absurd arsenal inherited from his Grandmother.
- Antiquated Linguistics: Moreso than Jane; mixed in with Sophisticated as Hell on occasion.
- Awesome McCoolname: Jake. English.
- Bash Brothers: With Dirk, as of Act 6 Act 4.
- Bi the Way: He's involved with Dirk as of Act 6 Act 5. He also has a massive crush on Aranea and has considered dating Jane. At the start of Act 6 he's not so comfortable with the idea that he might not be straight, but by Act 6 Act 5 is freely calling Dirk his boyfriend.
- Bling Bling Bang: His golden pistols from Act 6 Act 4.
- Boisterous Bruiser: Loves a good scrum.
- Bowties Are Cool: On both his post-A6A4 suit-and-shirt outfit and his Trickster Mode attire. Notably, it's more noticeable in Trickster Mode because it's orange.
- Bruiser with a Soft Center: Even though Jake is prone to accidental assholery and, as we see in his fight with Meenah he can be pretty dang aggressive when he needs to, he's still a sweetie a good deal of the time. He's consistently polite and kind and obviously cares about his friends. Plus, he's probably cried more than all the other human boys put together.
- Butt Monkey: So much in the later parts of Act 6. Having to wear a stupid-looking speedo is the least of his worries.
- Call Back: Caliborn wanting to be the cause of everything and helping Jake become a Worthy Opponent is similar to Vriska manipul8ing things and helping Tavros and John. However, Caliborn does not seem to have contacted Jake nearly as much as Vriska did with the people she was working with.
- Captain Oblivious: He completely fails to notice things that everyone else figures out quickly, though at least some of this is self-delusion to avoid acknowledging upsetting or difficult truths.
- Casanova Wannabe: In spite of his status among the fandom, he comes across as one toward both girls. Caliborn even calls him a douche for it.
- Chekhov's Gunman: As Jade's pen pal as early as Act 3.
- Clap Your Hands If You Believe: The source of his Hope powers, including making his imaginary Dirk real.
ARANEA: It seems to me that you are quite real, Dirk.
DIRK: That's because my buddy Jake just helped me become a whole hell of a lot less fake.
DIRK: You see,
DIRK: He believes in me.
- Clueless Chick And Dude Magnet: Everyone wants him. He just doesn't get it.
- Cool Mask: He wears one resembling his Skull Top in Act 6 Act 4. He and Dirk wear these masks to protect them from the seemingly toxic atmosphere of Dirk's planet.
- Crazy-Prepared: He carries 5 computers on himself at all times, like a sensible person.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: His power as a awakened Page of Hope is so great it defeats Grimbark Jade even when she's using the power of the Green Sun against him.
- Dead to Begin With: His dreamself was killed before his first appearance.
- Deconstruction: Of the naive pretty boy type. Specifically:
- Even the Guys Want Him: Due to being attractive to just about everyone, they all fight over him. This causes huge emotional rifts between his friends, and when he finally does hook up with one of them, it ends terribly.
- It'sAllAboutMe: Due to being raised entirely alone, and thus has a very, very limited social understanding, he constantly blabbers on about his relationships, and routinely misinterprets and misconstrues implications. This means that he rarely, if ever, actually considers another persons issues, or what how what he is saying might harm others. This makes Jane despise him, Dirk break up with him, and Roxy distance herself from him.
- Does Not Understand Sarcasm: Much of the humor of his interactions with Erisolsprite come from this.
- Embarrassing but Empowering Outfit: Jake's god tier costume is a bright yellow leotard that surprises Jake and Jane even more than the sudden appearance of reality warping dog-eared girl. Its definitely the worst costume of the Post-Scratch Kids and makes a good running for the worst looking God Tier costume in Sburb.
- Embarrassing Tattoo: Of Sweet Bro, to compliment Dirk's tattoo. It has since been covered up by a Geromy sticker.
- Even the Guys Want Him: Every one of his friends has a crush on him.
- It extends to Dirk's splinters too, like the AR or a copy of Dirk in Jake's subconscious.
- Roughly 1/3 of his lower tier echeladder rungs lampshade this: "One Tomb; Many Suitors;" "Cupid's Crosshair Candy," "Sharkbait Heartthrob," "Hunk Rumpus Buster," "Beau Skylark."
- Eye Glasses: Humorous Lampshaded when Dirk's Brobot punches him and knocks his eyes off with the glasses.
- Played with once again in the same way, though with an added dash of terror, when Trickster!Jane sends him over a cliff Gamzee-and-Kanaya style.
- Failed a Spot Check: Thanks to using a vision-blocking computer helmet while hanging around outdoors where FRIGHTENING FAUNA of a regrettable REALNESS ATTRIBUTE lurk.
- Fetish: Pretty open about having a thing for blue skinned space babes. And Smurfette. And washed-out blue pictures of Lara Croft. Really, he's not that discriminating as long as they're blue. Two of his crushes, Aranea and Jane, are heavily associated with the color blue as well.
- The Fool: Initially seems to fill this role in the same way as John, but Jake's plucky ignorance eventually becomes so profound that multiple characters are bewildered at how oblivious he is to the people and events around him. Strongly suggested to be some kind of subconscious Obfuscating Stupidity.
- Furry Fandom: Dirk jokes that Jake's adoration of Neytiri places him in this but Jake doesn't seem to be a furry otherwise.
- Genius Bruiser: He's pretty intelligent when he applies himself, though he's had a lot of help from Dirk and Roxy.
- Good Counterpart: To Eridan. Both are Heroes of Hope and routinely fight lusii, but Jake shows remorse for killing a fairy bull and is outright scared of the lusii. Eridan propositions everyone for romantic interest and is always unsuccessful, while Jake gets romantic interest from everyone without even trying but eventually blows it. Both manage to monopolize conversations with others with blather about their relationships, frequently trampling over whatever the other side might wish to talk about. Ironically, Jake even ends up with Eridan as part of his sprite, to act as a foil to him.
- Good Old Fisticuffs: One of his preferred methods of fighting.
- Guns Akimbo: Inherited from his Grandmother.
- Have a Gay Old Time: As part of his tendency to employ anachronistic vernacular, although he's aware of its modern meaning and is only using it to troll Caliborn.
GT: In my view distinguished gentlemen should always strive to be as gay as possible with each other.
- Hollywood Action Hero: What he likes to think he is.
- Nerd Action Hero: What he actually is. Deconstructed after his Trickster Mode rampage.
- Hypocritical Humor: Complains to Jane about how suffocating Dirk can be and about how little he really thinks about the other party's interests of feelings in a conversation while doing exactly the same thing to Jane.
- Impossibly Tacky Clothes:
- His full set of ostentatious wearable computers.
"Luckily (or unfortunately) you grew up alone, so there was never anyone around to point out how ridiculous you look."
- Impractically Fancy Outfit: His double holster, shown here.
- Innocently Insensitive: Most likely due to his unconventional upbringing, Jake has a tendency to be oblivious to the feelings of others, mostly with Jane. It's also implied that in his previous incarnation he was similar and ran away from home and from Nanna without apparently considering how it made her feel.
- It's All About Me: His tendency to turn any conversation into one about his own problems eventually drives Jane bonkers to the point of destroying her chat device.
- Inventory Management Puzzle: Literally; his Fetch Modus is PUZZLE. He keeps the remains of his old house in it.
- Jive Turkey: Speaks in a really odd mix of archaic and modern slang. Unlike Jane's predilection for proper grammar, this gets commented on a lot.
- Jumped at the Call:
- If exuberant for ADVENTURE, then logically would accept it readily.
- Subverted later. He's wary of the fact that as a Page, he subconsciously knows a lot of things he doesn't think he should.
- Kid from the Future: During Acts 3-5, it seemed that he was Jade's grandson from the future. It's subverted when we learn that he's just her grandfather's Alternate Universe counterpart. He however, does think he's speaking to his Grandma in the past.
- Large Ham: "OH MY GOD THE HUMANITY. HOW THEY EXACT THEIR POUND OF FLESH. OH GOD NO OH GOD OH GOD OH GOOOAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH."
- Taken to a new zenith with the Hopesplosion - Jake's incessant catchphrases can be heard across planets.
- Leap and Fire: He thinks this looks really cool.
- Light 'em Up: The visual manifestation of Hope powers.
- Magikarp Power: All Pages have this, but Jake as the Page of Hope in particular has vast amounts of untapped potential.
- Marry Them All: After going Trickster he decides to marry Jane and have lots of babies. Then when they go after Roxy he proclaims that Roxy can be his co-bride and he'll have lots of children with her. The three of them go find Dirk later, and while Jane and Roxy lose interest when they see his Trickster Mode didn't really change his mental state, Jake insists they include him.
- Meaningful Name: His grandmother deliberately renamed herself after Lord English in order to insult the Condesce. Jake himself is obsessed with skulls, wears what appears to be a caricature of English's skull on his shirt and there's a poster of what appears to be a film about Lord English on his wall. Most of his wearable-computers resemble Lord English: a flashing coat, mismatched shoes that follow the same color scheme as LE's clawed foot and peg-leg, and a skull-shaped helmet with flashing eyes. These turn out to be made by Grandma English's company, as another way of insulting the Batterwitch.
- His chumhandle is named for Golgotha. As the article states, the name means "place of a skull", referencing Jake's love of skulls. It's also the site of JC's death...
- The heroes of the Post-Scratch Human session are known as Nobles. Lord is a title of nobility.
- Mid-Season Upgrade: He gains powers through his brief period as a Trickster and upon reaching the Godtier, as does everyone else. What sets him apart, however, is the Hope upgrade he gains from Aranea.
- Mook Maker: The awakening of his Page of Hope powers is creating angels.
- The Movie Buff: Like John and Karkat, he loves movies. Unlike them, who focus on bad movies and romcoms respectively, he loves ALL movies indiscriminately.
- Mythology Gag: One of his echeladder levels is called "Hunk Rumpus Buster"
- No Sell: Awakening to his Page of Hope powers created a Hope Field that makes it impossible for others to communicate with him. His underpants and Hope Field also make it impossible for Jade to concentrate and send him to the Furthest Ring.
- No Social Skills: Part growing up in isolation, part natural personality. He's bad at reading between the lines and thinking about things from other perspectives unless prompted. He can be really careless with the feelings of others, and often fails to consider that they may have a problem with the way he's treating them until they tell him up-front. But this is far more from his tendency to take things at face-value - especially from people he trusts - than any actual malice, as he hates hurting his friends and will quickly stop if told he's doing so.
- Oblivious Guilt Slinging: To Jane as he talks repeatedly about how relieved he is to get all his feelings honestly out in the open, right after she fails to be honest with hers.
- Oblivious to Love: Zig-zagged. He's aware of Jane's and Dirk's feelings for him, but when Jane Can't Spit It Out when asked directly, he takes her at face value despite noticing that she's acting odd about it. He may also be aware of Roxy's feelings, though he's only hinted at it in passing.
- Subverted later. Dirk's fragment in Jake's subconscious shows that he's actually completely aware of what is going on with everyone's feelings and just isn't comfortable acknowledging it.
- Being hopeless with romance seems to be the hat of Hope players, with Jake being seemingly oblivious to the considerable romantic interest directed at him and Eridan and Cronus being a little (in Cronus's case, far) too obsessed with romantic pursuit, to the extent of alienating everyone they may have had a chance with.
- Oh Crap: When fighting the brobot.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: Before his full name was revealed he was only known by his initial "J". It turned out to be Jane's nickname for him.
- Plot Allergy: He shares John's peanut allergy. His dreamself died when he was fed peanuts by (B2) Courtyard Droll.
- Poster-Gallery Bedroom: So far, easily the most extreme example: you can't even see the walls or windows because of his movie posters.
- Secret Diary: Filled with BARK code. Roxy appearified it from him and still has it, unwilling to admit to the theft.
- Sex Slave: Crockertier Jane plans to move forward with Trickster!Jane's plans to marry him and have "a zillion babies" with him, and these would obviously play out this way. Trickster!Jane may have had similar intentions as a drugged-up Yandere, but unlike her, she's planning this despite her absolute contempt for him.
JANE: You're lucky you're so hot.
- Sophisticated as Hell: Quite a bit.
GT: Forgive my botherations. I know this is meant to be a spanking ripsnorter of a day for you and all.
GT: But do you happen to know where the devilfucking dickens mr strider might be?
- Strong Family Resemblance: John and Jake are almost exactly alike, right down to sharing a peanut allergy and having similar personalities and mannerisms, although Jake is more eccentric and less sensitive. Not to mention with a haircut, Jake would be virtually identical to John.
- Take Up My Sword: Upon learning that his grandmother was affiliated with the resistance movement against Crocker.
GT: I want to join the opposition!
GT: Fuck this witch i have lots of guns and reckless bravado and i want to stop her. Ill pick up where my grandma left off!
- Took a Level in Badass: Subverted with the Godtier, as Jane is easily able to haul him into Derse's prison. Played magnificently straight with the results of the Hopesplosion, which not only generated enough energy to create Angels, but destroyed most of Derse.
- Uncanny Valley Makeup: In Trickster Mode, as with Jane. Made even worse not so much by the fact that he is a male example who isn't in drag, but instead because it's essentially the same as Jane's, eyelashes included.
- Wall of Weapons: His inventory is literally full of guns and food.
- What an Idiot: Really, Jake, you didn't think dumping all of your romantic problems onto Jane would have any negative side effects?
- Who Wears Short Shorts?: Both his outfits in Act 6 Act 4 have 'em, one of them complete with the Tomb Raider holsters that he couldn't pull off when his shorts were longer. His eventual God Tier clothes even go to the extreme of Speedo-length shorts.
- Would Hit a Girl: He acts dorkily chivalrous, so he stays away from this like the plague. However, he does make one exception. Once he figures out that Meenah is the Batterwitch, he starts beating her to a pulp. Of course, she's already dead, so it doesn't really do much. That and she's too busy fangirling over her Post-Scratch self, the Condesce, to even notice.
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