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A very mysterious gentleman whose goal is to bring about the end of the universe, thus summoning an omnipotent Eldritch Abomination. The First Guardian of Alternia and is thus extremely powerful and extremely intelligent. He was created by the trolls' Black Queen, using genetic code scribed unconsciously by the trolls as well as Vriska's magic cueball and a dimensionally displaced Lil' Cal.Communicates in [all white text, with perfect capitalization, punctuation, and grammar and rather formal diction, using no tags before his lines.]> Be Doc Scratch.
- Abusive Parents: As the Handmaid's father figure, and likewise towards Vriska.
- Affably Evil: He casually tells Spades Slick to help himself to some candy before they continue their negotiations, which consists of Scratch beating him until Slick agrees to do what he wants.
- A God I Am Not: "[I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god. But I am not one.]"
- Angrish: When he gets angry, his chat color changes from white to Text To Run Away From Really Fast.
- Asexuality: Heavily implied, although not stated outright.TT: And does this mean you are attracted to me?
TT: Suddenly this conversation is kind of terrible.
[Of course I am not. Not in the way you mean.]
[And anyway, you are applying standards of conduct frowned upon for your kind which make no sense to apply to me.]
[I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.]
- Badass Boast: "[I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god.]"
- Bait the Dog: DS is presented at first as a gentlemanly villain with a good sense of humor. Then we find out what he's been doing to the Handmaid.
- Batman Gambit: States that his MO is to "nudge" people down routes that they would have taken anyway. Makes sense, considering the cue ball's goal is to 'nudge' the other pool balls into pockets...
- The End of Act 5 proves that Scratch is the undisputed master, by volume if not by success. Each and every playable character, Jack Noirs included, were being set up in order to help him create the Green Sun, when everyone who knew about the Green Sun thought that they were trying to destroy it. And he never once lied.
- Instead of killing each other like he wanted, Slick and Snowman have a hatred-induced make out session with each other. When Doc Scratch intervened, he gave Slick the gun he ultimately used to kill Snowman anyway, showing that this was his intention all along.[But when that bullet clears the barrel, it won't be my finger on the trigger. I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.]
- Battle Aura: Acquires one when beating the ever-loving hell out of Spades Slick.
- Berserk Button:
- When he discovers that Vriska has one of his magic cueballs, he reacts... badly.
- Also, when Slick destroys his clock.[Oh, for crying out loud. I can tolerate many things from a guest. Curt manners. Egregious womanizing. Murdering the help. Casual arson. Even atrocious candy bowl etiquette. But it is the desecration of a priceless timepiece where I must draw the line. I'm afraid I must now insist that you take your beating quite personally.]
- Big Bad: Of Act 5, before his death.
- The Blank: As The Felt's cueball, he has no facial features whatsoever.
- Breaking the Fourth Wall: Suddenly and completely takes over as the narrator twice in the story. The text even becomes white to show this.
- Brutal Honesty: Unlike Hussie, he doesn't screw around with wordplay or otherwise try to downgrade serious occurrences with comedy while narrating. His narration of what we would've seen if Disc Two wasn't damaged in his own words: Rose dies, John doesn't, the end.
- The Chessmaster: Seems have been orchestrating all sorts of events from behind the scenes (most notably, the entire Green Sun incident). He even has models of Skaia on which he plays complex games.
- The Coats Are Off: Planning to get physical with his guest Spades Slick, he removes his coat.
- Complete Immortality: He cannot be injured in any fashion, and is a Time Abyss that has existed for over a billion years (or 612 million solar sweeps). Even his eventual "death" is still ambiguous enough to suggest he's still around in some sense.
- The Corrupter: He's one of these on a cosmic scale, manipulating sessions into guaranteed failure so he can warp them into twisted, sociopathic killing pens designed to produce "ideal" players...whose actions only create another failed session.
- Cryptic Conversation: As befitting the cue ball's role of nudging things. "Don't turn your back on the body". WHICH BODY, Scratch? WHICH ONE?
- Deadpan Snarker: Usually.
- Death Seeker: His death is a necessary step in summoning Lord English.
- Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: When he attempts to make amends with Vriska and implies that she will come across a monopoly of misfortune if she refuses, her only response is a torrent of childish insults. Rejected, he almost-outright states that Vriska will not survive the destruction her actions will cause. She didn't.
- Given his omniscience and role in preserving the Alpha timeline, this may have been nothing more than an attempt to slip in a barb on Vriska. He knew she wouldn't act differently, and his job was to preserve the cascade of misfortune that brought about Lord English—but he left her with the blame for it.
- The Dragon: Of a sort to Lord English, even though we never see them together.
- The Easy Way or the Hard Way: Presents this option to his guest, even though he knows it'll be the hard way.
- Evil Gloating: [S u c k e r s.]
- Evil Mentor: He's the one who's responsible for post-Scratch Alternia's whole Crapsack World/The Spartan Way/The Empire thing through the use of Aradia's ancestor, as explained here.
- Evil Uncle: In Act 5 he asks Rose to think of him as "one of your kindly human uncle figures." Much later, in Act 6 Act 6 Act 5, Lord English is revealed to be a sort of Fusion Dance between Caliborn, Arquiusprite (itself a fusion between Equius and Dirk's Auto-Responder), and part of Gamzee. The Act is followed up a flash entitled "MSPA Reader: Mental breakdown", which shows that since the Auto-Responder is an Artificial Intelligence based on Dirk's brain patterns, it can be considered Rose's uncle. The flash also suggests that the Auto-Responder is the basis for Scratch's personality - so yes, Scratch is kind of like Rose's uncle!
- Exact Words: His M.O. for conning his marks. None of his direct statements are lies (with occasional exception made in the short term for jokes) except by omission, but he leads others astray with implications, hypotheticals, and generally presenting just enough information to lead his listener to the wrong conclusion.
- He wasn't kidding when he said he was "an excellent host"...
- Expressive Mask: Normally blank white, but sometimes it displays images.
- Famous Last Words: [S u c k e r s.] A perfect summary of what he made everyone.
- Faux Affably Evil: He's a Sore Loser, abuses the Handmaid, and is generally just a huge dick. His last words to Gamzee further enforce this by what he thinks of them all.
- Foreshadowing: He always claimed to be a magnificent host.
- Fourth-Wall Observer: He knows the viewers have control over Homestuck through commands, not to mention he speaks directly to us. At one point, he even has the "disc" for Homestuck.
- Friendly Enemy: To everyone to an extent, but especially Spades Slick.
- Gambit Roulette: Justified - his plans can't fail, not because of their fiendish cleverness so much as the fact that anything which would deviate from the alpha timeline — i.e. the one resulting in his creation and his death as Lord English's host — creates an alternate timeline that is doomed to inevitable destruction. In other words, his plans are guaranteed success because You Can't Fight Fate.
- Giggling Villain: "[Haa haa, hee hee, hoo hoo.]"
- Hollywood Dress Code: Invokes The Mafia with his suspenders and removing his jacket before beating his guest.
- Hostile Show Takeover/Interface Screw: At one point he hijacks the narration and the MSPA site is changed to reflect this, having a green color scheme. It's impossible to view those pages any other way. He also changes the site's banner to reflect the events in the room as they happen while the comic continues.
- Humanoid Abomination
- Kansas City Shuffle: Virtually nobody trusts him, but everyone falls for his schemes.
- Karma Houdini: While he does get something of a Karmic Death, he essentially got everything that he wanted done from being offed.
- Kick the Dog: His treatment of Aradia's ancestor definitely qualifies.
- Killed Off for Real: As a prerequisite for summoning Lord English, Doc Scratch's head cracks open and his body is shredded apart soon after Hussie's presence leaves him a lifeless doll. He has no alternate universe counterpart appear, he leaves no body left behind to resurrect, and any attempt to revive him via time travel would doom the timeline since doing so would prevent Lord English from existing, and he has used his own time travel to make himself an essential part of the alpha timeline.
- Living Weapon: Admits to being his master's weapon.
- Manipulative Bastard: From the end-of-Act 5.2 flash [S] Cascade, when it's revealed that The Tumor doesn't destroy the Green Sun but creates/created it, that he tricked everyone into creating it, all technically without lying at all. Best summarized with his last words, to Gamzee:TC: that's all done motherfuckin white texted bro
TC: NOW WHAT?
TC: oh yeah?
TC: AND JUST WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS IT
TC: that we motherfuckin are?
[S u c k e r s .]
- Man in White: His pants and his coat are pure white, but his shirt and tie are different shades of green.
- Man of Wealth and Taste: He's more or less analogous to a devil (and Hussie has even outright called him a Satan analogue), but he's still classy.
- Meaningful Name: He existed in Alternia's post-Scratch timeline, but not in its pre-Scratch timeline. In other words, he was only created because of the Scratch.
- Also compare to Old Scratch. "Doc" comes from Doc Holiday, from whom Andrew is also reportedly descended.
- His name is also consistent with the Felt's billiards theme- potting the cue ball is referred to as a 'Scratch'. Given his goal is to be 'potted', his goal is to make the protagonists 'scratch' by killing him.
- Medium Awareness: He's not only aware of his medium, but he takes control of it at one point in the comic. This holds unsettling implications.
- Merger of Souls: English's soul (which Scratch hosts) is a combination of Caliborn, Gamzee, Equius, and Dirk's Auto Responder. Scratch takes most of his personality from the latter two, mainly Dirk's cool and collected way of talking combined with Equius's condescending politeness and refusal to use swear words.
- Mistaken for Pedophile: His conversation with Rose. He's quick to point out that, although he claims to enjoy the company of young ladies, every lady is young relative to him.
- Hussie decided to make him come off as "a creeper," after he noticed that Scratch was always spending so much time with the girls and almost none with the boys, though, due to his non-biological nature, he's not an actual pedophile. Still, it retroactively makes the scene where he distracts Aradia & Terezi funnier.
- Mundane Utility: Hangs his coat on the map of Skaia.
- Names to Run Away from Really Fast: "Old Scratch" is one of many nicknames for Satan.
- No Biological Sex: As mentioned here:[I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.]
- No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: And he hopes that Spades Slick took it quite personally. BREAK. HEADS.
- Non-Human Head: Has a large cueball in place of a head; it cracks open after he dies.
- Not So Omniscient After All: He also had a hole in his perception surrounding Equius's ancestor. It's unknown whether or not this is related to his (and his ancestor's pre-Scratch) role as the Heir of Void.
- Not So Stoic: Edges toward this whenever the gaps in his omniscience are made apparent. Flipped the fuck out when he learned that Vriska had one of his magic cue balls. Also freaks out (although not nearly as much) at Snowman and Spades Slick's hate snog.
- The Omnipotent: Scratch's power output exceeds the size of his universe, so he's all-powerful in practice.
- The Omniscient: Well, mostly omniscient. He admits that his understanding is limited to the alpha timeline, though if he comes across something he doesn't know naturally, he's usually able to figure it out pretty quick. He still needed Terezi to tell him how Vriska was coming so close to beating him in their games, and he seems to have a lot of trouble when it comes to Spades Slick.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: He indicates to Slick that "Doc Scratch" is just a nickname.
- Percussive Maintenance: When the narrow fenestrated wall displays Spades Slick and Snowman's hate snog, he starts banging on it to change the view.
- Perverse Puppet: Like Lil' Cal before him. He even inherited his ectobiological father's laugh.
- Pet the Dog: He served as a guardian for Kanaya for some time, and even took her to Prospit so her dream self could awaken. Though this is as a part of his agenda, he at least took care of her better than he did the Handmaid.
- Physical God: He and the other First Guardians (like Becquerel) are nearly omnipotent. Because Scratch was also created with a prophetic cue ball, he's nearly omniscient as well.
- Punny Name: Scratch is a pool term for pocketing a cue ball. Extends to Sburb too, as the term "Scratch" is used for a hard reset of a game.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: Blue to Lord English's red.
- Relationship Sabotage: Auspisticizes between Slick and Snowman, as seen here.
- Revolvers Are Just Better: Has one, and a holster to put it in.
- Schizo Tech: Uses a typewriter to communicate with the trolls, who are using an online chat client.
- Sharp Dressed Man: He has his get-up from his birth!
- Sickly Green Glow: The Color of his Battle Aura
- Shout-Out: Partially one to The Slender Man Mythos, but aside from being evil faceless functionally omniscient sharply dressed men who have a special attraction to children, they don't have much in common. Scratch for one is only 4 feet tall and prefers talking to people or manipulating them as opposed to stalking them.
- Smug Super: The fact that he calls everyone who isn't omniscient [S u c k e r s.] should clue you in.
- Sore Loser: He considers people who don't have his near-omniscience to be [S u c k e r s.], but when Vriska gets a magic cue-ball which gives her just a fraction of his near-omniscience he flips the fuck out. And if someone foils one of his Batman Gambits by not acting like he predicted he blames them for it and beats them senseless.
- Stealth Pun:
- Scratch is around 600 million years old, making him Old Scratch.
- As he often implied: [I am an excellent host.]
- Super Strength: There goes a perfectly good horse hitcher.
- Super Toughness: Can literally not be harmed at all, so long as the Green Sun shines.
- Technical Pacifist: A villainous example, in that he makes it a point not to kill anybody himself, but has no qualms against having others kill for him, even going so far as to equip Slick with a gun so he can shoot Snowman.[I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.]
- Thanatos Gambit: His death is the final step necessary for summoning Lord English, who bursts out of his corpse.
- Theme Naming: Like Lord English, his name is a billiards term.
- Time Abyss: He's almost as old as Alternia.
- Troll: Juuuuuust a bit. For example, after misleading the reader to the identity of his houseguest:[Someone who would have suspected anyone else is a person I would also describe as a sucker.]
- And then there's mean mind game he plays on Karkat where he tells him never to turn his back on the bodies—shortly before a few of them go missing.
- Villains Never Lie:[Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives.]
[I play with my cards face up.]
[Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?]
- He later adds that he usually doesn't lie, except at short to middle term for the purpose of a joke or a prank. Note that he only considers it a lie if you don't find out.
- It should also be noted that in his chessmaster actions, he never actually lied—not once. Rose just assumed they meant the same things. He even pointed this out to Rose specifically.
- He also doesn't count lies of omission as lies: he can't tell you everything, it would take too long. From his perspective, it's not his fault if you're asking the wrong questions.
- Voice of the Legion: His "angry voice" is implied to be this.
- Walking Spoiler: It's difficult to describe him without spoiling the latter part of Act 5 Act 2, and how important he is in manipulating the plot.
- Weaksauce Weakness: He'll turn limp and lifeless if Andrew Hussie is around, because he's only a puppet.
- Wicked Cultured: Types in a very sophisticated manner, wears a dashing suit, and lives in an elegant English-style home.
Her Imperious Condescension/The Condesce/Betty Crocker
A tyrant who ruled the troll planet of Alternia with an iron fist, until Lord English forced her to jump ship to Earth. There, she began to re-establish her imperial regime by taking the name Betty Crocker and beginning a baking corporation that would grow into every major industry on the planet.
talks with lazy diction and grammar and doesnt use punctuation
appears to use feferis quirk when S)(OUTING FOR -EMP)(ASIS or capitalizing letters
presumably also uses a lot of fish puns and tiara and goggles emotes 38T
uses "gurl" a lot and sometimes speaks in large sparkly letters
- All Your Powers Combined: Has all the psychic powers of the Troll Kids. One character even describes her as being like a villain with all the powers of the X-Men rolled into one.
- Anarchy Is Chaos: The Draconian Dignitary says that she "seem[s] to revel in anarchy." However, as an iron-fisted tyrant, she's anything but a classical anarchist, reveling mostly in ruling over a broken and bloody social order.
- Anime Hair: Actually becomes her Distinguishing Mark, see below.
- The Ark: Before departing for Earth, the Condesce gathered thousands of endangered species from her homeworld and loaded them into a "red space ark", apparently in order to repopulate them.
- Asskicking Equals Authority: She took the Alternian throne by defeating the previous Empress in combat and she personally assassinates any political threat she encounters.
- Beethoven Was an Alien Spy: Her Imperious Condescension has an iron grip (with a healthy dosage of Subliminal Seduction) on post-Scratch Earth as Betty Crocker, who has taken over most facets of society.
- Beleaguered Assistant: To Lord English and she releases her frustration towards him by yelling at people or stabbing those who make a mistake while grooming her hair.
- Big Bad: Of Act 6, though given that she's still in service of Lord English. Tellingly, Act 6 ends shortly after her demise.
- Bling of War: As the Condesce, she's decked out head to toe in jewelry and wields a fancy golden double trident. She continues the tradition as the Black Queen of Derse, with the addition of the Prototyping Ring (though as a simple, plain gold band it's barely a drop in the ocean on top of the rest of her bling).
- Broken Pedestal: Her pre-Scratch self Meenah thought she was awesome. Then Meenah found out that, while powerful and ruthless, the Condesce is still ultimately a slave to Lord English. Also, Meenah was deeply unsettled by what she did to Mituna's counterpart.
- The Caligula: Went mad as the result of repeated botched attempts to recreate her old empire "in all its convoluted symbiotic glory." The Condesce ends up taking out her frustrations on humankind, of course.
- Challenging the Chief: How she got the position.
- Chekhov's Gunman:
- Betty Crocker was first mentioned as John's arch nemesis here when John discovers that Fruit Gushers are a Betty Crocker product and flips out. It is later revealed that she was Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley's adoptive mother, and that Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. Then Nannasprite tells a story in which it's revealed that she vanished without a trace, had many unspecified terrible secrets, and wasn't human.
- Her Imperious Condescension was first mentioned here in a description of Feferi's status. The author of Homestuck mentioned on the forum that she potentially survived the Vast Glub note . Then in Act 5 she appears on panel and is confirmed to be Feferi's Ancestor. It is then revealed that she did survive the Vast Glub and is further implied to have become Betty Crocker.
- And now she's usurped the Black Queen and taken over Derse in the post-scratch Session.
- The Chessmaster: Her company sent Dave the Miracles Video two years before it would even exist, which Dave would later send to Gamzee, who would go on a rage-filled murder spree, and who also ended up causing the Universe Cancer to go terminal and creating Li'l Cal and Doc Scratch. All that with a single video.
- Justifed in that she serves Lord English who is all about convoluted plans.
- Just to drive the point home, she becomes the queen of Derse in the post-scratch session.
- And then there's her master stroke at the end of Act 6 Act 5, where she prawns Jade & Jane, kicks Dirk outside the session, and captures Jake & Roxy.
- Chess Motifs: Her company's heavy use of red plays into her role of usurping the Black Queen, as red is often used interchangeably with black in traditional chess sets. (See also Alice in Wonderland.)
- Combo Platter Powers: While she herself has some 'life' related powers, she was given Clockwork Magyyks by Lord English. She also has the powers of many other trolls, including psychic powers such as Telekinesis & Eye Beams like Sollux and Aradia and their respective ancestors, mind controls over animals like Tavros and The Summoner, and mind control over other sapient life forms like Mindfang and Vriska. These powers from other trolls portray themselves as a blinking zodiac symbol in her tiara. She also likely has exclusive powers as a fuchsia blood.
- Cool Starship: The Condesce's flagship, the Battleship Condescension.
- Corrupt Corporate Executive: To the extreme; through Crocker Corp, she eventually takes over the entire world.
- The Corrupter: To Jane, post-scratch Earth, and possibly the entire post-scratch Session by becoming the queen of B2 Derse. Fully corrupts Jane and Jade at the end of Act 6 Act 5.
- Damage-Sponge Boss: She spends most of her battle on Derse holding her arms up to endure Fraymotifs, God Tier attacks and Sprite attacks.
- Distinguishing Mark: Her Anime Hair. The first clue we have of her becoming the new Queen of Derse is Courtyard Droll mentioning the new Queen's grand and luxurious fluffy hair... which he thinks is a hat (though hair is a foreign concept to carapace people).
- The Dog Was the Mastermind: Both Betty Crocker and Her Imperious Condescension were mentioned a few times but initially seemed to have no importance to the story whatsoever. Then Nanna said Betty Crocker wasn't human, and the rest spiraled from there.
- Dragon with an Agenda: Does not like Lord English, and seems to be looking for a way to stab him in the back.
- Enemy Mine: What Calliope speculates she'll ultimately be for the human heroes. After she's fulfilled her obligation to ensure the continuation of Lord English's existence, she'll be free to turn on him, and she is even currently exploiting Roxy's power to that effect.
- Everything's Better with Sparkles: Loves purple glitter, filling the envelope she gave Roxy her secret orders in with it. Sometimes, she speaks in large fuchsia text that sparkles and glitters too.
- Evil Counterpart: While Feferi wanted to care for the weakest creatures of Alternia and undo the violent system, this ancestor of hers only wants power to amass wealth and dominate anyone she can, to the point she was unsatisfied with oppressing the trolls of Alternia and set her sights on every planet in her galaxy.
- Evil Gloating: "S u c k a s"
- Evil Is Hammy: She's has a very strong presence.
- Evil Is Petty: She ordered humanity to stop reproducing - with Subliminal Seduction no less - apparently because she finds human sex Squicky.
- Evilutionary Biologist: When her original plans to repopulate her race went bust, she resorted to experimenting with splicing human and Alternian DNA.
- Expospeak Gag: B2!Crockercorp refers to properties like Olive Garden and Bac-Os as "Feeding Chamber" and "simulated livestock flakes."
- The Faceless: Averted, her eyes are shown and she is shown out of her profile when she is revealed to be the new Black Queen.
- Final Boss: For John, Rose, Roxy, and Jane. Her defeat also occurs at the end of [S] Collide, making her the last villain to be defeated before the kids can finally finish their game of Sburb.
- God Save Us from the Queen!: Her Imperious Condescension is a pretty horrendous ruler. She flies around the universe, cordially greeting new civilizations, and leaves her vast armies to rip them apart after she leaves. She's mentioned early on as seriously wanting to kill Feferi to avoid having to compete with her for the throne, and it's mentioned later that she's fought and killed a number of potential successors in the past, giving them equal terms in battle only because her lusus demanded it. She also ran humanity into the ground by trying to integrate troll aspects into their society. She did not give a shit about this.
- Good Powers, Bad People: She has mild Life powers, which contribute to her longevity.
- She also has clockwork majyyks, apparently taken from the Handmaid.
- Good Smoking, Evil Smoking: Shown smoking a cigar after her plans succeed.
- Historical Villain Upgrade: More like Unhistorical Villain Upgrade: in Real Life Betty Crocker wasn't a villain because she never existed, she was a character made up by the Washburn Crosby Milling Company in 1921. Here, that character is a cover for the Condesce as she uses the Crocker Corporation to take control of Earth, wipe out humanity, and re-establish the dictatorship she had over the trolls.
- I Have Many Names: About six... Yet all of them are titles or pseudonyms. Her true name is still unknown, though Aranea refers to her as by the name of her alternate, Meenah Peixes.
- Impaled with Extreme Prejudice: After killing Rose via this method twice, she suffers this fate courtesy of Roxy and the Unbreakable Katana.
- Jive Turkey: She speaks extremely informally, as first shown when she interrupts the Dignitary to demand her ring back. Her chats don't end with "ceased trolling/pestering." They end with "logged da fuck out."
- Kick the Dog: Killed her children's dog on the Post-Scratch Earth just to spite them, even though they were only infants. It ended up propelling the young Grandma Harley to become the first member of La Résistance against her.
- Kick the Son of a Bitch: While both she and Aranea pulled Colony Drops on surrounding planets, and that she's done much worse than Aranea in the past, her Mama Bear moment with Jane, in conjunction with Aranea's chronologically-recent Moral Event Horizon, make Her Imperious Condescension look less like a monster when she kills Aranea and more like a total badass.
- Laughably Evil: In Act 6, once you start to learn her true personality. Best illustrated by her taste in mission briefings here.
- Legally Dead: When Betty Crocker vanished without a trace on the pre-Scratch Earth, Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. It's implied that she left that Earth to travel to the one created by the Scratch. Even on that Earth, she disappeared under mysterious circumstances, and by the modern day is considered even by the heiress of the Crocker brand to be just a mascot.
- Living Forever Is Awesome: Right up until the Troll Empire was wiped out at least... but she seems to have her hands full on Earth and Derse.
- Mama Bear: She was somehow even more furious than she already was when Aranea killed Jane.
- Meaningful Initials: The Battleship Condescension, a giant red fork to a certain batterwitch's big red spoon... and big red fork.
- Mega Corp.: After the Scratch, Crockercorp owns not just everything that the real-world General Mills owns or has once owned (e.g. Olive Garden) but is also involved in software, computer hardware, space colonization, and Gushers. They even managed to install Guy Fieri (of all people) as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court."THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING. What do Gushers have to do with baked goods anyway??"
- Money Fetish: Like Meenah, Her Imperious Condescension loves gold and posts dollar signs all around her personal notebooks.
- More Teeth than the Osmond Family: Has adult-sized versions of Feferi's pointed teeth, and shows them off at any opportunity.
- Names to Run Away from Really Fast: There aren't many titles more domineering and vain than "Her Imperious Condescension."
- Noble Demon: One of her goals is to resurrect her near-extinct race, which is surprisingly noble for someone as wicked as she is - though it's heavily implied that she wants to apply the same sort of reign as she did on Alternia.
- Noblewoman's Laugh: At the end of Meenah's theme song, "Hate You", she and Meenah are both heard laughing. Meenah's is a high pitched cackle, HIC's is more like one of these.
- Offing the Offspring: The Condesce and her heirs are expected to Duel to the Death over the throne whenever an heir reaches adulthood.
- Orcus on His Throne: Justified. The Condesce does all her delegating from her ship off in deep space. Her connection with her psychic lusus allows her to threaten entire castes of trolls with total extinction if they don't obey her, so she doesn't really need to go anywhere.
- Pet the Dog: She did marry two iterations of Colonel Sassacre, which doesn't seem to be important to her agenda. At the very least, she loved him enough to let him die of old age/getting shot by his adoptive son rather than just kill him.
- Planet Destroyer: While Aranea needs to mind control hundreds of alternate telepaths to throw a planet around, the Empress's psychic powers are so strong that she can singlehandedly send planets hurling through space to collide into other rogue planets, reducing them to nothing but ruins.
- Power Copying: Stole the Handmaid's clockwork majkyks and unlocked Mind Manipulation abilities that allow her to control animals and people.
- Power Glows: She has the same time majyyks aura that the Handmaid had, glowing in a rainbow while calling upon Lord English's power.
- Psychic Powers: She's used technology to copy the psychic powers of several of the lower castes, including Sollux's, Vriska's, and Tavros's.
- Rapunzel Hair: Her hair is so long and magnificent that the Courtyard Droll initially thought it was some sort of ornate hat.
- Sigil Spam: The Betty Crocker logo appears in a few odd places in the pre-scratch universe, like Jade's dream robot, but the trope fully comes into effect in universe B2 where Betty Crocker is a Mega Corp. with its claws in everything from baked goods to software to space colonization. And then on 11/11/11, the Betty Crocker spoon turns into the Battleship Condescension fork...
- Slasher Smile: The Condesce is rarely depicted without a smug/sinister, shark-like grin.
- The Starscream: Draconian Dignitary believes she has some contingency plans that Lord English doesn't know about, which is why she is implied to have captured Roxy.
- Subliminal Seduction: Betty Crocker products in universe B2 carry sinister subliminal messages telling users to obey and consume, to cease reproduction, to die, and to stay asleep. They bear a resemblance to similar messages from the movie They Live.
- Suddenly Voiced: The Condesce never speaks and has no chat client with which to communicate, but she does take over Dad's PDA to deliver three lines in Act 6 Act 5, jarringly speaking like a teenager despite being an ancient warrior queen.
- Tangled Family Tree: She is the direct genetic Ancestor of Feferi. She is also the adoptive mother to Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley, making her John and Jade's great-grandmother. Feferi is John and Jade's great-aunt through adoption. And just to make things more confusing, she's also described as B2 John's grandmother and Jane's great-great-grandmother.
- Theme Naming: "Baroness" follows the pattern of the Troll Ancestors' eight letter names. "Batterwitch" alludes to Feferi's (and presumably, her) Sgrub title, Witch of Life.
- Trademark Favorite Food: TaB, because it has no sugar and only one calorie. And it comes in a pink can.
- Uncatty Resemblance: Her mane of hair, when viewed from the side, is a dead ringer for Gl'bgoylb.
- Villain World: Post-scratch Earth seems to be this, under her control. In the future she rules openly.
- Visual Pun: She has a literal clamshell phone. ("Clamshell" is another name for a flip phone, particularly one with the hinge on the longer dimension.)
- Walking Spoiler: Like Doc Scratch, you can't really talk about this character without bringing up several spoilers about what happens before the various sessions start.
- Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds: Spent most of her apocalyptic reign over Earth attempting to recreate the Troll society she'd essentially been banished from, desperately trying to reconnect with her own kind, only to have her every attempt fail miserably until she was left to rule over a devastated planet.
- X Meets Y: In-Universe, Dirk sums up her powers as "all the X-Men combined into one sexy fish woman in a skin tight suit."
- You Kill It, You Bought It:
- The Condesce killed The Handmaid in a handmaid, and then is forced to serve Lord English in her place.
- She also killed the Black Queen of Alpha/Post-Scratch Derse off-screen, and on-screen, serves as the new Queen of Derse.
The enigmatic leader of The Felt. An omnipotent, time-traveling demon who appears at the end of the universe, who we are ultimately introduced to when he bursts from Doc Scratch's shattered corpse. However, given that he can travel through time and space, only showing up at the end of the universe is hardly an inconvenience; he is already here.His younger iteration, Caliborn, has his own separate character sheet.
TYPES WITH ALL CAPS AND PERFECT GRAMMAR.
TYPICALLY USES FELT-GREEN TEXT, BUT MAY USE ALSO USE SHIFTING COLOR TEXT.
- Abusive Precursors: He is responsible for the existence of the main characters and their respective universes (though they also played a role in his rise to power thanks to time travel shenanigans). Dave jokingly wonders if he should thank Lord English.
- Almighty Idiot: A more literal example. As the Lord of Time, he has absolute control over time; an incredibly overpowered ability. Thing is, he's not bright enough to harness it's full potential and just uses time travel since it's simple enough for him to grasp.
- Badass Longcoat: His massive CAIRO OVERCOAT. Which has a double as a time traveling sarcophagus.
- Bad Boss: He cares very little for the Felt and his manifestation in the universe definitively kills his chief officer.
- Big Bad: The biggest of them all, of the entire webcomic. Vriska even calls him this. Interestingly, he only shows up properly just before Act 6.[He's more deadly. But the danger he poses is sanctioned by paradox space... there are rules to his entry, and his grim procession through paradox space is rather orderly. Jack however is a loose cannon. He will not stop until he destroys everything he encounters. Additionally, his existence is your responsibility.]
- Bling-Bling-BANG!: His pimp cane turns into a gold-plated assault rifle with a laser sight and strobing ammo clip.
- Breath Weapon: One powerful enough to explode a dream bubble. Note that this is a Call-Back to Calsprite, who had a similar ability.
- The Brute: While he prefers to leave most of the heavy lifting to his more cunning underlings, when he gets personally involved he tends to just overpower everyone in his path. In fact, as a child, he had a learning disability. It remains to be seen whether or not he's overcome this to make up with experience what he lacks in cleverness.
- Call-Back: To WV and CD talking to their kids. Invokes Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick as it quickly turns nightmarish.
- English is basically an enormous demonic Lil' Cal with flashing billiard-ball eyes... which is exactly how Hussie told Cal to dress.
- Taken farther; during Scratch's conversation with Rose, Hussie outright showed the cue ball and a lizard in a Green Sun robe inside English's coat.
- Lord English emerges from Doc Scratch's puppet body, much like how a Fiduspawn emerges from a host plush.
- Doc Scratch has often referred to himself as an excellent host.
- Mythology Gag: His pimp cane/rifle has the same weapon/object duality as Kanaya's lipstick/chainsaw and as many, many objects in Problem Sleuth.
- English is basically an enormous demonic Lil' Cal with flashing billiard-ball eyes... which is exactly how Hussie told Cal to dress.
- The Coats Are Off: Removes his Cairo Overcoat before engaging Meenah's ghost army in combat.
- The Comically Serious: He is hit with Deudly Firearms... while maintaining a perfectly straight face. (Though that might just be because has a Skull for a Head drawn in a fairly more realistic style compared to his juvenile counterpart.)
- The Dreaded: For most of the comic, he was not shown, and was only heralded by the phrase, "He is already here."
- Eldritch Abomination: Lord English is not only a mob boss, but also an indestructible time-traveling demon, summoned at the end of the universe. His eyes are rapidly flashing pool balls.◊ The rest of his body is not any less disconcerting.
- He is also able to completely disintegrate the souls of dead players and can create cracks in reality itself.
- Made even worse when it's revealed that Lord English is some sort of fusion between the souls of Caliborn, Arquiusprite, and half of Gamzee stuffed inside Lil Cal and is some sort of nightmare that bleeds into universes to tear them apart.
- Establishing Character Moment: "The Man in the Cairo Overcoat" reveals the Lord English while an incredibly distorting and constantly looping to reinforce his role as the Lord of Time.
- Evil Counterpart:
- To the Genesis Frog/Bilious Slick. Just as the Genesis Frog is the Speaker of the Vast Croak at the beginning of the universe, Lord English is the Speaker of the Vast Honk at its end.
- Sort of one to Doc Scratch (the difference, of course, is that they're both evil); while Doc is affable and enjoys humor, English is violent and stoic.
- The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: In-universe, English actually appears behind the fourth wall.
- Fusion Dance: It's eventually revealed that some version of Dirk Strider stuffed Caliborn's soul into Lil' Cal. Thing is, he also sucked in Arquiusprite's soul and possibly part of the soul of Gamzee Makara. The implication is that Lord English is the result of this.
- Generic Doomsday Villain: Lord English has four lines of dialogue and has no motivation beyond ensuring his own existence and slaughtering anyone he can. As the unholy combination of four unstable souls, it's justified.
- Genre Savvy: Seemingly exaggerated, but ultimately subverted. We were initially meant to believe English was savvy enough to go after the author. Fast forward to Act 6 Intermission 4, and we learn that this was merely payback for Hussie's sass when English was a young man.
- The Ghost: is first appearance was at the very end of Act 5. Prior to that, we only knew his title and only got to see his coat and eyes.
- Greater-Scope Villain: To Jack Noir, Doc Scratch, and Betty Crocker all, surpassing them all in size, both literally and in villainous threat, but manipulating things behind the scenes, only showing up towards the end of Act 5. Doc Scratch portrays Lord as the Bigger Bad to Rose in order to convince her that defeating Jack was worth releasing Lord English.
- The Grim Reaper: Inspired the version in troll mythology. Later on he's called the Angel of Double Death.
- Gross-Up Close-Up: His face may look goofy when it is viewed from afar, but when you see it close up... Well, let's just say it's far from pretty.
- Handicapped Badass: When he emerges, he has a peg-leg styled after a billiard cuestick.
- Hero Killer: Normal Hero Killers kill other characters. Lord English kills the author of the story. And then he starts killing the heroes' ghosts.
- Hidden Villain: English isn't referred to until the Intermission, and theres no hint towards his significance until well into Act 5.
- Immune to Fate: Though it's not that he's immune to it so much as, as the Lord of Time, he makes it bend to his will.
- Jerkass: To the utmost extreme. What kind of asshole kills the author of the story, and then kills people who are already dead?
- The Juggernaut:
- His main power, from his deal with Yaldaboath is the power to destroy anything and everything.
- As well as the awesome power of his ranged attacks Lord English is formidable with just his fists and brute strength.
- Kick the Dog: He attacks Ms. Paint for no reason, and she was not even close to resembling a threat to him.
- Kryptonite Factor: The Cue Ball, and any item related to it, including Yaldabaoth's Retcon Treasure
- Large and in Charge: He's built like The Hulk, and his massive CAIRO OVERCOAT is way too big for most of the characters to wear without looking extremely silly.
- Large Ham: On the one occasion he speaks as an adult.
- Lightning Bruiser: We finally get to see him in action in [S] Collide and not only is he obscenely powerful, he's fast.
- Lord British Postulate: He's rumored to be kill-able only through a number of glitches and exploits in space-time. Note that the reference to Lord British himself was originally unintentional, but Hussie declared it a retroactive reference after fans pointed it out.
- Magic Pants: Just like the Incredible Hulk.
- Magic Wand: Has a scepter or cane similar to the White and Black Kings. The difference is that the scepter is gold, while the top is flashing multiple colors and is sometimes replaced with an image of the Green Sun. Also, it's bottom is a pool cue.
- He also has an actual magic wand (/revolver).
- The Man Behind the Man: Is the boss of Doc Scratch, who manipulated the entire series to ensure English's summoning.
- Meaningful Name: The term "English" is often used when playing any sort of billiards game, when referring to a particularly powerful spin put on a ball hit by a player. Probably due to his (and the Felt's) connection with billiards. In-universe, he uses it because it was the name of the only opponent whose power he ever respected: Jake English... Who, in turn, is named after Lord English in an act of spite from his grandma's part.
- Merger of Souls: Caliborn's "Masterpiece" revealed more of his true nature: not only is he Caliborn, but he is also Equius, Dirk's Auto-Responder, and half of Gamzee all mashed together inside Lil' Cal. Caliborn seems to be the dominant personality, though.
- Monster Modesty: Still wearing the torn remnants of Doc's pants.
- More Dakka: Can transform his cane into a super-deudly golden machine gun.
- Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!: In the process of destroying dream bubbles in hopes to kill his sister's dead dream self, he breaks through the reality that encompasses the Furthest Ring. How is this good? This allows Vriska, Tavros, and John to actually navigate the void guided by the cracks in reality, which lead him to the juju he earned from his own session, which can only be used once by him, and once by someone else. That someone else, incidentally, is John, who has gained Reality Warper abilities that enable him to re-write canon without needing to adhere to the in-universe rules of causality and time looping, not only enabling him to derail the plans of Lord English's subordinates, but also enabling him to set things up to give the good guys a fighting chance to defeat the Lord of Time once and for all.
- Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: According to Hussie:LE is many things. A time traveling crime lord pimp. An omnipotent, indestructible puppet-based demon. A monster born out of an ancient, short, smug, cueball-headed gunslinger, the blight of two universes by his birth alone. An Egyptian pharaoh Incredible Hulk in shredded pants and suspenders with a green Jigsaw puppet-like skull for head, a gold fang, and flashing pool balls for eyes. And with his gold cuestick pegleg and long coat, appears to also be somewhat reminiscent of a pirate, and may or may not bear some tenuous connection to Skipper Plumbthroat, nemesis of all Squiddles, who have been clearly shown to be friendly cartoon-standins for the dark gods.
- No Indoor Voice: Lord English's alt text is gigantic.
- No Shirt, Long Jacket
- Not So Different: He actually has a lot of similarities with some of the protagonists, especially Vriska. Immaturity, rudeness, being a Munchkin, big ego, obsessiveness, bigotry, etc. The difference is that while the protagonists grow out of these traits, Lord English doesn't bother making any effort to change.
- Offscreen Teleportation: He is already here. (Showing up unexpectedly is kind of his schtick.)
- Oh, Crap!: When the Green Sun is destroyed, his eyes stop warping and he shows genuine concern at Vriska's secret weapon.
- Omnicidal Maniac: His endgame is simple: destroy everything that ever was and ever shall be.
- The Omnipotent: See Physical God below.
- One-Man Army: During the battle against him, he double-kills massive portions of the huge ghost army as though they were nothing. It takes Aradia timestopping him for anyone to get anything remotely resembling a solid strike in on him.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: According to Doc Scratch, 'Lord English' is just a title he goes by - in part because his true name is apparently terrifying.
- Our Angels Are Different: He's a cherub. Later on he's called the Angel of Double Death.
- Phrase Catcher: "He is already here," and variants thereof.
- Physical God: He is the single most powerful character in the comic, undisputedly. He was originally a cherub, which are already at world-destroying levels of power to begin with, got empowered through SBURB as a Lord of Time, giving him control over the timestream, won a dead session of SBURB, granting him Complete Immortality, a weapon that can defeat any opponent in a single blow (but can only be used twice: once by himself, and once by someone else), and the ability to instantly travel wherever and whenever he wants to across all universes and timelines. On top of all that, he was infused with even greater physical strength, sprite-powers (innate knowledge of SBURB and giant energy beams of death), and the Chucklevoodoos of the Subjuggulators when his soul was combined with others', AND he was further infused with the power of the Green Sun when he emerged out of Doc Scratch's body. He's been shown to be capable of rending apart the very fabric of reality and obliterating the souls of the dead. For the final battle, Vriska and Meenah decide they need to rally an infinite army of ghosts (many of whom are God-tiered) just to slow him down enough to have a chance to use their trump card. At no point is it suggested said infinite army actually has a chance of stopping him.
- Pimp Duds: His CAIRO OVERCOAT. In fitting with the trope, he often enslaves and empowers women to do his dirty work, such as Snowman, the Condesce, and the Handmaid.
- Although Snowman seems to work for him willingly.
- Punny Name:
- A reference to a type of spin used on a cue ball.
- His CAIRO OVERCOAT is a pun on CHICAGO OVERCOAT, Mobster slang for a coffin. Its object double is a sarcophagus.
- Psychopathic Manchild: Type B. Caliborn overcame Calliope way too soon in their development process by killing her dream self, preventing them from maturing properly. Instead, his "personality is stuck in some sort of cantankerous prepubescent limbo. [He is] going to be a stunted, miserable tool forever."
- The Quiet One: He has only spoken once as an adult thus far in the comic.
- Rage Against the Author: In Act 6 Intermission 2 he appears behind the fourth wall with Hussiebot's head. Later he shoots Hussie with an assault rifle.
- Red Herring: The trolls referring to an indestructible demon destroying their session suggested to readers that Lord English was responsible for it. This was deliberate misdirection; Word of God actually calls him a "red herring villain in that session to deter speculation."
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: Red to Scratch's blue.
- Religion of Evil: Kurloz Makara makes it quite explicit that he, Gamzee, and the subjuggulators worship him.
- Retroactive Preparation: Because he can time-travel, he sets up all the necessary requirements for his own summoning.
- Sealed Evil in a Can: Lord English is ultimately defeated by being trapped inside a black hole, as his total invincibility makes it impossible for the kids to actually kill him.
- Shrouded in Myth: Very few characters have seen him and lived.
- Sigil Spam: His billiard eyes recur from time to time, and he's recently become associated with spirals as well, which adds even more Sigil Spam retroactively.
- Soul Jar: Caliborn turns Lil' Cal into this, thus ensuring the rise of his future self.
- Stable Time Loop: For much of Act 5, the story had been hinting that he was the ultimate cause of all the problems with the human and troll sessions and that he was a master of time. As Act 6 progresses, of course, the story has become more complex as the humans and trolls have influenced his sister and his own childhood in turn.
- Straw Misogynist: Porrim speculates, based on his apparent preference for placing women under his power, that he enjoys being especially nasty to women. Considering what he was like in his youth, it's not an unreasonable assumption on her end.
- Swiss Army Weapon: Can change into a golden assault rifle.
- Tragic Villain: Surprisingly, Vriska suggests that he may be this. She argues that for all his bluster and dramatics, he's ultimately just a miserly, lonely, and depressed child who's egotism and obsession with being the best prevented him from ever gaining any true love or friendship. However, it's possible that she may be projecting a bit.
- The Un-Reveal:
- The Untwist: He's Caliborn, all grown up. There were a handful of moments to foreshadow this, though.
- Used to Be a Sweet Kid: Averted. As Caliborn, he was almost as bad as he is now, just smaller and constrained. It turns out that he's also still a kid — he only looks like an adult because he fused with multiple other beings, and one of them was the muscular Arquiusprite.
- Voice of the Legion: English's text flashes with the colors of the fifteen members of the Felt
- The rainbow text is implied to signify the blood from all the trolls English has killed over eternity.
- Walking Spoiler: He spends a good portion of the comic simply being The Dreaded before his official arrival - at which point he wastes no time in killing a good portion of the cast.
- Who Names Their Kid "Dude"?:
GT: So im named after a demon? What kind of demon is named english anyway?
TT: What kind of alien is named Crocker?
- Would Hit a Girl: "CANE!"
- See Straw Misogynist above.
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