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Characters: Homestuck The Felt Two

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     Doc Scratch 

Doc Scratch

A very mysterious gentleman whose goal is to bring about the end of the universe, thus summoning an omnipotent Eldritch Abomination. The First Guardian of Alternia and is thus extremely powerful and extremely intelligent. He was created by the trolls' Black Queen, using genetic code scribed unconsciously by the trolls as well as Vriska's magic cueball and a dimensionally displaced Lil' Cal.

Communicates in [all white text, with perfect capitalization, punctuation, and grammar and rather formal diction, using no tags before his lines.]

After the events of the Great Undoing, Doc Scratch dies and releases Lord English inside the Green Sun.

He has his own page.
  • Abusive Parents: As the Handmaid's father figure, and likewise towards Vriska.
  • Affably Evil: He casually tells Spades Slick to help himself to some candy before they continue their negotiations, which consists of Scratch beating him until Slick agrees to do what he wants.
  • Angrish: When he gets angry, his chat color changes from white to Text To Run Away From Really Fast.
  • Asexuality: Heavily implied, although not stated outright.
    TT: And does this mean you are attracted to me?
    TT: Suddenly this conversation is kind of terrible.
    [Of course I am not. Not in the way you mean.]
    [And anyway, you are applying standards of conduct frowned upon for your kind which make no sense to apply to me.]
    [I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.]
  • Badass Boast: "[I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god.]"
  • Bait the Dog: DS is presented at first as a gentlemanly villain with a good sense of humor. Then we find out what he's been doing to the Handmaid.
  • Batman Gambit: States that his MO is to "nudge" people down routes that they would have taken anyway. Makes sense, considering the cue ball's goal is to 'nudge' the other pool balls into pockets...
    • The End of Act 5 proves that Scratch is the undisputed master, by volume if not by success. Each and every playable character, Jack Noirs included, were being set up in order to help him create the Green Sun, when everyone who knew about the Green Sun thought that they were trying to destroy it. And he never once lied.
    • Instead of killing each other like he wanted, Slick and Snowman have a hatred-induced make out session with each other. When Doc Scratch intervened, he gave Slick the gun he ultimately used to kill Snowman anyway, showing that this was his intention all along.
      [But when that bullet clears the barrel, it won't be my finger on the trigger. I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.]
  • Battle Aura: Acquires one when beating the ever-loving hell out of Spades Slick.
  • Berserk Button:
    • When he discovers that Vriska has one of his magic cueballs, he reacts... badly.
    • Also, when Slick destroys his clock.
      [I can tolerate many things from a guest. Curt manners. Egregious womanizing. Murdering the help. Casual arson. Even atrocious candy bowl etiquette. But it is the desecration of a priceless timepiece where I must draw the line. I'm afraid I must now insist that you take your beating quite personally.]
  • Big Bad: Of Act 5, before his death.
  • The Blank: As The Felt's cueball, he has no facial features whatsoever.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: Suddenly and completely takes over as the narrator twice in the story. The text even becomes white to show this.
  • Brutal Honesty: Unlike Hussie, he doesn't screw around with wordplay or otherwise try to downgrade serious occurrences with comedy while narrating. His narration of what we would've seen if Disc Two wasn't damaged in his own words: Rose dies, John doesn't, the end.
  • The Chessmaster: Seems have been orchestrating all sorts of events from behind the scenes (most notably, the entire Green Sun incident). He even has models of Skaia on which he plays complex games.
  • The Coats Are Off: Planning to get physical with his guest Spades Slick, he removes his coat.
  • Complete Immortality: He cannot be injured in any fashion, and is a Time Abyss that has existed for over a billion years (or 612 million solar sweeps). Even his eventual "death" is still ambiguous enough to suggest he's still around in some sense.
  • The Corrupter: He's one of these on a cosmic scale, manipulating sessions into guaranteed failure so he can warp them into twisted, sociopathic killing pens designed to produce "ideal" players...whose actions only create another failed session.
  • Cryptic Conversation: As befitting the cue ball's role of nudging things. "Don't turn your back on the body". WHICH BODY, Scratch? WHICH ONE?
  • Deadpan Snarker: Usually.
  • Death Seeker: His death is a necessary step in summoning Lord English.
  • Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: When he attempts to make amends with Vriska and implies that she will come across a monopoly of misfortune if she refuses, her only response is a torrent of childish insults. Rejected, he almost-outright states that Vriska will not survive the destruction her actions will cause. She didn't.
    • Given his omniscience and role in preserving the Alpha timeline, this may have been nothing more than an attempt to slip in a barb on Vriska. He knew she wouldn't act differently, and his job was to preserve the cascade of misfortune that brought about Lord English—but he left her with the blame for it.
  • The Dragon: Of a sort to Lord English, even though we never see them together.
  • The Easy Way or the Hard Way: Presents this option to his guest, even though he knows it'll be the hard way.
  • Evil Gloating: [S u c k e r s.]
  • Evil Mentor: He's the one who's responsible for post-Scratch Alternia's whole Crapsack World/The Spartan Way/The Empire thing through the use of Aradia's ancestor, as explained here.
  • Exact Words: His M.O. for conning his marks. None of his direct statements are lies (with occasional exception made in the short term for jokes) except by omission, but he leads others astray with implications, hypotheticals, and generally presenting just enough information to lead his listener to the wrong conclusion.
    • He wasn't kidding when he said he was "an excellent host"...
  • Expressive Cueball Head: Normally blank white, but sometimes it displays images.
  • Famous Last Words: [S u c k e r s.] A perfect summary of what he made everyone.
  • Fan Nickname: Before he was revealed, he was named White Text.
  • Faux Affably Evil: He's a Sore Loser, abuses the Handmaid, and is generally just a huge dick. His last words to Gamzee further enforce this by what he thinks of them all
  • Foreshadowing: He always claimed to be a magnificent host.
  • Fourth Wall Observer: He knows the viewers have control over Homestuck through commands, not to mention he speaks directly to us. At one point, he even has the "disc" for Homestuck.
  • Friendly Enemy: To everyone to an extent, but especially Spades Slick.
  • Gambit Roulette: Justified - his plans can't fail, not because of their fiendish cleverness so much as the fact that anything which would deviate from the alpha timeline — i.e. the one resulting in his creation and his death as Lord English's host — creates an alternate timeline that is doomed to inevitable destruction. In other words, his plans are guaranteed success because You Can't Fight Fate.
  • Giggling Villain: "[Haa haa, hee hee, hoo hoo.]"
  • Hollywood Dress Code: Invokes The Mafia with his suspenders and removing his jacket before beating his guest.
  • Hostile Show Takeover/Interface Screw: At one point he hijacks the narration and the MSPA site is changed to reflect this, having a green color scheme. It's impossible to view those pages any other way. He also changes the site's banner to reflect the events in the room as they happen while the comic continues.
  • Humanoid Abomination
  • Kansas City Shuffle: Virtually nobody trusts him, but everyone falls for his schemes.
  • Karma Houdini: While he does get something of a Karmic Death, he essentially got everything that he wanted done from being offed.
  • Kick the Dog: His treatment of Aradia's ancestor definitely qualifies.
  • Killed Off for Real: As a prerequisite for summoning Lord English.
  • Living Weapon: Admits to being his master's weapon.
  • Made of Iron: Can literally not be harmed at all, so long as the Green Sun shines.
  • Manipulative Bastard: From the end-of-Act 5.2 flash [S] Cascade, when it's revealed that The Tumor doesn't destroy the Green Sun but creates/created it, that he tricked everyone into creating it, all technically without lying at all. Best summarized with his last words, to Gamzee:
    TC: that's all done motherfuckin white texted bro
    TC: NOW WHAT?
    (mystery text)
    (mystery text)
    TC: oh yeah?
    TC: AND JUST WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK IS IT
    TC: that we motherfuckin are?
    TC: :o?
    [S u c k e r s .]
  • Man in White: His pants and his coat are pure white, but his shirt and tie are different shades of green.
  • Man of Wealth and Taste: He's more or less analogous to a devil (and Hussie has even outright called him a Satan analogue), but he's still classy.
  • Meaningful Name: He existed in Alternia's post-Scratch timeline, but not in its pre-Scratch timeline. In other words, he was only created because of the Scratch.
    • Also compare to Old Scratch. "Doc" comes from Doc Holiday, from whom Andrew is also reportedly descended.
    • His name is also consistent with the Felt's billiards theme- potting the cue ball is referred to as a 'Scratch'. Given his goal is to be 'potted', his goal is to make the protagonists 'scratch' by killing him.
  • Medium Awareness: He's not only aware of his medium, but he takes control of it at one point in the comic. This holds unsettling implications.
  • Mistaken for Pedophile: His conversation with Rose. He's quick to point out that, although he claims to enjoy the company of young ladies, every lady is young relative to him.
  • Mundane Utility: Hangs his coat on the map of Skaia.
  • Morally Ambiguous Doctorate
  • Names to Run Away From Really Fast: "Old Scratch" is one of many nicknames for Satan.
  • No Biological Sex: As mentioned here:
    [I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.]
  • No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: And he hopes that Spades Slick took it quite personally. BREAK. HEADS.
  • Not So Stoic: Edges toward this whenever the gaps in his omniscience are made apparent. Flipped the fuck out when he learned that Vriska had one of his magic cue balls. Also freaks out (although not nearly as much) at Snowman and Spades Slick's hate snog.
  • The Omnipotent: Combined with...
  • The Omniscient: Well, mostly omniscient. He admits that his understanding is limited to the alpha timeline, though if he comes across something he doesn't know naturally, he's usually able to figure it out pretty quick. He still needed Terezi to tell him how Vriska was coming so close to beating him in their games, and he seems to have a lot of trouble when it comes to Spades Slick.
    • Not So Omniscient After All: He also had a hole in his perception surrounding Equius's ancestor. It's unknown whether or not this is related to his (and his ancestor's pre-Scratch) role as the Heir of Void.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: He indicates to Slick that "Doc Scratch" is just a nickname.
  • Percussive Maintenance: When the narrow fenestrated wall displays Spades Slick and Snowman's hate snog, he starts banging on it to change the view.
  • Perverse Puppet: Like Lil' Cal before him. He even inherited his ectobiological father's laugh.
  • Pet the Dog: He served as a guardian for Kanaya for some time, and even took her to Prospit so her dream self could awaken. Though this is as a part of his agenda, he at least took care of her better than he did the Handmaid.
  • Physical God: He and the other First Guardians (like Becquerel) are nearly omnipotent. Because Scratch was also created with a prophetic cue ball, he's nearly omniscient as well.
  • Punny Name: Scratch is a pool term for pocketing a cue ball. Extends to Sburb too, as the term "Scratch" is used for a hard reset of a game.
    • Stealth Pun: Scratch is around 600 million years old, making him Old Scratch.
      • As he often implied: [I am an excellent host.]
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Blue to Lord English's red.
  • Relationship Sabotage: Auspisticizes between Slick and Snowman, as seen here.
  • Revolvers Are Just Better: Has one, and a holster to put it in.
  • Schizo Tech: Uses a typewriter to communicate with the trolls, who are using an online chat client.
  • Sharp Dressed Cueball Puppet
  • Sickly Green Glow: The Color of his Battle Aura
  • Shout-Out: Partially one to the Slenderman Mythos, but aside from being evil faceless functionally omniscient sharply dressed men who have a special attraction to children, they don't have much in common. Scratch for one is only 4 feet tall and prefers talking to people or manipulating them as opposed to stalking them.
  • Smug Super: The fact that he calls everyone who isn't omniscient [S u c k e r s.] should clue you in.
  • Sore Loser: He considers people who don't have his near-omniscience to be [S u c k e r s.], but when Vriska gets a magic cue-ball which gives her just a fraction of his near-omniscience he flips the fuck out. And if someone foils one of his Batman Gambits by not acting like he predicted he blames them for it and beats them senseless.
  • Super Strength: There goes a perfectly good horse hitcher.
  • Technical Pacifist: A villainous example, in that he makes it a point not to kill anybody himself, but has no qualms against having others kill for him, even going so far as to equip Slick with a gun so he can shoot Snowman.
    [I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.]
  • Thanatos Gambit: His death is the final step necessary for summoning Lord English, who bursts out of his corpse.
  • Theme Naming: Like Lord English, his name is a billiards term.
  • Time Abyss: He's almost as old as Alternia.
  • Troll: Juuuuuust a bit. For example, after misleading the reader to the identity of his houseguest:
    [Someone who would have suspected anyone else is a person I would also describe as a sucker.]
    [Haa haa.]
    [Hee hee.]
    [Hoo hoo.]
    • And then there's mean mind game he plays on Karkat where he tells him never to turn his back on the bodies—shortly before a few of them go missing.
  • Villains Never Lie:
    [Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives.]
    [I play with my cards face up.]
    [Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?]
    • He later adds that he usually doesn't lie, except at short to middle term for the purpose of a joke or a prank. Note that he only considers it a lie if you don't find out.
    • It should also be noted that in his chessmaster actions, he never actually lied—not once. Rose just assumed they meant the same things. He even pointed this out to Rose specifically.
    • He also doesn't count lies of omission as lies: he can't tell you everything, it would take too long. From his perspective, it's not his fault if you're asking the wrong questions.
  • Voice of the Legion: His "angry voice" is implied to be this.
  • Walking Spoiler: It's difficult to describe him without spoiling the latter part of Act 5 Act 2, and how important he is in manipulating the plot.
  • Weaksauce Weakness: He'll turn limp and lifeless if Andrew Hussie is around, because he's only a puppet.
  • Wicked Cultured: Types in a very sophisticated manner, wears a dashing suit, and lives in an elegant English-style home.

     Lord English 

Lord English/Caliborn

The enigmatic leader of The Felt. An omnipotent, time-traveling demon who appears at the end of the universe, who we are ultimately introduced to when he bursts from Doc Scratch's shattered corpse. However, given that he can travel through time and space, only showing up at the end of the universe is hardly an inconvenience; he is already here.

His younger iteration, Caliborn, has his own separate character sheet.
  • Abusive Precursors: He is responsible for the existence of the main characters and their respective universes (though they also played a role in his rise to power thanks to time travel shenanigans). Dave jokingly wonders if he should thank Lord English.
  • Badass Overcoat: His massive CAIRO OVERCOAT. Which has a double as a time traveling sarcophagus.
  • Bad Boss: He cares very little for the Felt and his manifestation in the universe definitively kills his chief officer.
  • Big Bad: The biggest of them all, of the entire webcomic. Vriska even calls him this. Interestingly, he only shows up properly just before Act 6.
    • The Man Behind the Man: Is the boss of Doc Scratch, who manipulated the entire series to ensure English's summoning.
    • Bigger Bad: To Jack Noir, Doc Scratch, and Betty Crocker all, surpassing them all in size, both literally and in villainous threat, but manipulating things behind the scenes, only showing up towards the end of Act 5. Doc Scratch portrays Lord as the Bigger Bad to Rose in order to convince her that defeating Jack was worth releasing Lord English.
    [He's more deadly. But the danger he poses is sanctioned by paradox space... there are rules to his entry, and his grim procession through paradox space is rather orderly. Jack however is a loose cannon. He will not stop until he destroys everything he encounters. Additionally, his existence is your responsibility.]
  • Bling Bling Bang: His pimp cane turns into a gold-plated assault rifle with a laser sight and strobing ammo clip.
  • Breath Weapon: One powerful enough to explode a dream bubble. Note that this is a Call Back to Calsprite, who had a similar ability.
  • The Brute: While he prefers to leave most of the heavy lifting to his more cunning underlings, when he gets personally involved he tends to just overpower everyone in his path. In fact, as a child, he had a learning disability. It remains to be seen whether or not he's overcome this to make up with experience what he lacks in cleverness.
  • Call Back: To WV and CD talking to their kids. Invokes Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick as it quickly turns nightmarish.
    • English is basically an enormous demonic Lil' Cal with flashing billiard-ball eyes... which is exactly how Hussie told Cal to dress.
      • Taken farther; during Scratch's conversation with Rose, Hussie outright showed the cue ball and a lizard in a Green Sun robe inside English's coat.
    • Word of God is that Doc and English together are Gamzee's mirthful messiahs.
    • Lord English emerges from Doc Scratch's puppet body, much like how a Fiduspawn emerges from a host plush.
      • Doc Scratch has often referred to himself as an excellent host.
    • Mythology Gag: His pimp cane/rifle has the same weapon/object duality as Kanaya's lipstick/chainsaw and as many, many objects in Problem Sleuth.
  • The Comically Serious: He is hit with Deudly Firearms... while maintaining a perfectly straight face. (Though that might just be because has a Skull for a Head drawn in a fairly more realistic style compared to his juvenile counterpart.)
  • Dangerously Genre Savvy: Seemingly exaggerated, but ultimately subverted. We were initially meant to believe English was savvy enough to go after the author. Fast forward to Act 6 Intermission 4, and we learn that this was merely payback for Hussie's sass when English was a young man.
  • Diabolical Mastermind/Retroactive Preparation: Because he can time-travel, he sets up all the necessary requirements for his own summoning.
  • The Dreaded: For most of the comic, he was not shown, and was only heralded by the phrase, "He is already here."
  • Eldritch Abomination: Lord English is not only a mob boss, but also an indestructible time-traveling demon, summoned at the end of the universe. His eyes are rapidly flashing pool balls. The rest of his body is not any less disconcerting.
  • Evil Counterpart:
    • To the Genesis Frog/Bilious Slick. Just as the Genesis Frog is the Speaker of the Vast Croak at the beginning of the universe, Lord English is the Speaker of the Vast Honk at its end.
    • Sort of one to Doc Scratch (the difference, of course, is that they're both evil); while Doc is affable and enjoys humor, English is violent and stoic.
  • The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: In-universe, English actually appears behind the fourth wall.
  • Future Badass
  • Grim Reaper: Inspired the version in troll mythology. Later on he's called the Angel of Double Death.
  • Gross-Up Close-Up: His face may look goofy when it is viewed from afar, but when you see it close up... Well, let's just say it's far from pretty.
  • Handicapped Badass: When he emerges, he has a peg-leg styled after a billiard cuestick.
  • Hero Killer: Normal Hero Killers kill other characters. Lord English kills the author of the story. And then he starts killing the heroes' ghosts.
  • He Who Must Not Be Seen/Hidden Villain: His first appearance was at the very end of Act 5. Prior to that, he was The Ghost; we only knew his title and only got to see his coat and eyes.
  • Immune to Fate: Though it's not that he's immune to it so much as, as the Lord of Time, he makes it bend to his will.
  • Jerkass: To the utmost extreme. What kind of asshole kills the author of the story, and then kills people who are already dead?
  • The Juggernaut: His main power, from his deal with Yaldaboath is the power to destroy anything and everything.
  • Kick the Dog: He attacks Ms. Paint for no reason, and she was not even close to resembling a threat to him.
  • Large And In Charge: He's built like The Hulk, and his massive CAIRO OVERCOAT is way too big for most of the characters to wear without looking extremely silly.
  • Large Ham: On the one occasion he speaks as an adult.
  • Leitmotif: English, used in the second Intermission. Also, Eternity Served Cold.
  • Lord British Postulate: He's rumored to be kill-able only through a number of glitches and exploits in space-time. Note that the reference to Lord British himself was originally unintentional, but Hussie declared it a retroactive reference after fans pointed it out.
  • Magic Pants: Just like the Incredible Hulk.
  • Magic Wand: Has a scepter or cane similar to the White and Black Kings. The difference is that the scepter is gold, while the top is flashing multiple colors and is sometimes replaced with an image of the Green Sun. Also, it's bottom is a pool cue.
  • Meaningful Name: The term "English" is often used when playing any sort of billiards game, when referring to a particularly powerful spin put on a ball hit by a player. Probably due to his (and the Felt's) connection with billiards.
  • Monster Modesty: Still wearing the torn remnants of Doc's pants.
  • Name's the Same: There's been a lot of confusion with Lord British in terms of name origin. Andrew later made the association meaningful.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain: In the process of destroying dream bubbles in hopes to kill his sister's dead dream self, he breaks through the reality that encompasses the Furthest Ring. How is this good? This allows Vriska, Tavros, and John to actually navigate the void guided by the cracks in reality, which will potentially lead the group to a weapon that can be used to destroy him.
  • Ninja Pirate Zombie Robot: According to Hussie:
    LE is many things. A time traveling crime lord pimp. An omnipotent, indestructible puppet-based demon. A monster born out of an ancient, short, smug, cueball-headed gunslinger, the blight of two universes by his birth alone. An Egyptian pharaoh Incredible Hulk in shredded pants and suspenders with a green Jigsaw puppet-like skull for head, a gold fang, and flashing pool balls for eyes. And with his gold cuestick pegleg and long coat, appears to also be somewhat reminiscent of a pirate, and may or may not bear some tenuous connection to Skipper Plumbthroat, nemesis of all Squiddles, who have been clearly shown to be friendly cartoon-standins for the dark gods.
  • No Indoor Voice/Voice of the Legion: Lord English's alt text is gigantic.
  • No Shirt, Long Jacket
  • Offscreen Teleportation: He is already here. (Showing up unexpectedly is kind of his schtick.)
  • Omnicidal Maniac: His endgame is simple: destroy everything that ever was and ever shall be.
  • The Omnipotent: See Physical God below.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: According to Doc Scratch, 'Lord English' is just a title he goes by - in part because his true name is apparently terrifying.
  • Our Angels Are Different: He's a cherub. Later on he's called the Angel of Double Death.
  • Phrase Catcher: "He is already here," and variants thereof.
  • Physical God:
    • The most powerful character on-record in the comic; he combines both the time powers of the Felt with the reality warping of the First Guardians. The only thing he lost was Scratch's Omniscience due to the Cue Ball breaking when he emerged from Scratch.
    • Just to show the huge margin power he is to the other characters: Bec Noir, at the height of his power, is able to use Red Miles to destroy a universe and any alternate universes it might have. Lord English fires an energy blast from his mouth that was powerful enough to destroys a massive dream bubble, turn any unfortunate dead dream selves that happened to be in there into atoms, and leave a permanent visible crack in the normally chaotic space/time of the Farthest Ring. Bec Noir's and PM's expressions say it all.
    • Or, to put it another way: Bec Noir can kill universes. Impressive, but even a universe will eventually die on its own, according to some other characters, and that action clearly taxed his powers. Lord English broke reality with a single blow, completely erasing things from existence that it shouldn't even be possible to erase.
  • Pimp Duds: His CAIRO OVERCOAT. In fitting with the trope, he often enslaves and empowers women to do his dirty work, such as Snowman, the Condesce, and the Handmaid.
    • Although Snowman seems to work for him willingly.
  • Punny Name:
    • A reference to a type of spin used on a cue ball.
    • His CAIRO OVERCOAT is a pun on CHICAGO OVERCOAT, Mobster slang for a coffin. Its object double is a sarcophagus.
  • Psychopathic Manchild: Type B. Caliborn overcame Calliope way too soon in their development process by killing her dream self, preventing them from maturing properly. Instead, his "personality is stuck in some sort of cantankerous prepubescent limbo. [He is] going to be a stunted, miserable tool forever."
  • The Quiet One: He has only spoken once as an adult thus far in the comic.
  • Rage Against the Author: In Act 6 Intermission 2 he appears behind the fourth wall with Hussiebot's head. Later he shoots Hussie with an assault rifle.
  • Red Herring: The trolls referring to an indestructible demon destroying their session suggested to readers that Lord English was responsible for it. This was deliberate misdirection; Word of God actually calls him a "red herring villain in that session to deter speculation."
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Red to Scratch's blue.
  • Religion of Evil: Kurloz Makara makes it quite explicit that he, Gamzee, and the subjuggulators worship him.
  • Shrouded in Myth: Very few characters have seen him and lived.
  • Sigil Spam: His billiard eyes recur from time to time, and he's recently become associated with spirals as well, which adds even more Sigil Spam retroactively.
  • Soul Jar: Caliborn turns Lil' Cal into this, thus ensuring the rise of his future self.
  • Stable Time Loop: For much of Act 5, the story had been hinting that he was the ultimate cause of all the problems with the human and troll sessions and that he was a master of time. As Act 6 progresses, of course, the story has become more complex as the humans and trolls have influenced his sister and his own childhood in turn.
  • Straw Misogynist: Porrim speculates, based on his apparent preference for placing women under his power, that he enjoys being especially nasty to women. Considering what he was like in his youth, it's not an unreasonable assumption on her end.
  • The Un-Reveal:
  • Used to Be a Sweet Kid: Averted. As Caliborn, he was almost as bad as he is now, just smaller and constrained.
  • Walking Spoiler: He spends a good portion of the comic simply being The Dreaded before his official arrival - at which point he wastes no time in killing a good portion of the cast.
  • Who Names Their Kid "Dude"?:
    GT: So im named after a demon? What kind of demon is named english anyway? 
    TT: What kind of alien is named Crocker?
  • Would Hit a Girl: "CANE!"

     The Handmaid/The Demoness 

The Handmaid/The Demoness

Aradia's ancestor and the post-scratch iteration of Damara Megido. She is responsible for shaping Alternia into the Crapsack World it is.
  • Anti Anti Christ: The Handmaid does not seem happy about her role in shaping history.
  • Be Careful What You Wish For: Pre-Scratch, Damara wanted desperately to serve Lord English and even sabotaged her own session to further his plans. Post-Scratch, The Handmaid got to do just that and did not like it at all.
  • Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick: This line about the Handmaid's future from Doc Scratch: "My lessons would include mastery of obedience, clockwork majyyks, and being locked in a room."
  • The Dragon: Both The Handmaid and then later The Condesce serve Lord English in the role, the former throughout Alternia's post-Scratch history and the later in both versions of Earth and in the post-scratch session.
  • Dragon Lady: Described both as an Asian schoolgirl and death's "super foxy handmaid."
  • Death Seeker: Due to the abuse she received from Doc Scratch and Lord English, she wants nothing more than a release from life. She eventually gets what she wants, though it remains unknown how long she lived before her encounter with The Condesce.
  • Driven to Suicide: The Handmaid is very much alive and does not want to stay that way. Apparently, she's been like this since early childhood. Though who could blame her, with being raised by Homestuck's equivalent of the devil and constantly being reminded she can't fight her fate.
  • Fan Nickname: Arasia, for back when she first appeared as an Asian-clothed Aradia in Doc Scratch's apartment.
  • Fate Worse Than Death: The Handmaid has attempted suicide to escape from her fate, to no effect.
  • Hope Spot: She has a few panels of blissful freedom, only to run into Lord English almost immediately.
  • Immortality Begins at Twenty: She doesn't look like she's aged much since she reached adulthood around nine sweeps.
  • Immortality Hurts: So much, she'd rather die - or kill - than allow it to continue.
  • Foreshadowing: Her hairstyle is similar to Meenah's (the Condesce's pre-scratch self), who her pre-scratch self Damara hated enough to join Lord English.
  • Manipulative Bitch/The Corrupter: The Handmaid takes/took over for Doc Scratch, manipulating Alternia into a violent dystopia:
    Doc Scratch: She stirred up class warfare and intensified bigotry in whatever era she haunted. She made sure the descendents would enter a world which prepared them well for the game, and took measures to see that they would play as they did.
  • Not Quite Saved Enough: Andrew could save her from Doc Scratch, but he couldn't save her from Lord English.
  • Off Model: Seems Aradia follows in her ancestor's footsteps. (This panel was swiftly corrected, but not before the entire fanbase right-click-saved for hilarity.)
  • Short Hair With Tail: A variation with bangs.
  • Tykebomb
  • Used to Be a Sweet Kid: She used to be such an adorable little grub.
  • Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds: It isn't hard to feel bad for her, considering what she went through and in spite of what she's destined to do.
  • Who Wants to Live Forever?: She really, really doesn't.

     Her Imperious Condescension 

Her Imperious Condescension/The Condesce/Betty Crocker/B2 Queen of Derse

Also known as "the Baroness" and "the Batterwitch," the Condesce is Feferi's ancestor and Meenah's post-scratch iteration. In the original pre-scratch universe she was Colonel Sassacre's wife and the adoptive mother/grandmother of Grandpa Harley and Nanna Egbert. Although John says Sassacre was Nanna's grandfather, Nanna refers to Sassacre and Crocker as her parents. She disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

In universe B2, she started a multi-global Mega Corp. empire that is designated to be inherited by her great-great-granddaughter Jane Crocker (the post-Scratch incarnation of Nanna). Although presumed to be deceased, she is in fact controlling humanity through subliminal messaging.

She is eventually revealed the Troll Empress in the service of Lord English, not that everyone didn't know already. She briefly shaped events on pre-scratch Earth before disappearing in an unknown fashion and arriving on post-scratch Earth. It is known however that she has somehow entered the B2 Session and became the new queen of Derse. In the future of B2 Earth, she has also openly taken over and flooded the planet.

talks with lazy diction and grammar and doesnt use punctuation
appears to use feferis quirk when S)(OUTING FOR -EMP)(ASIS or capitalizing letters
presumably also uses a lot of fish puns and tiara and goggles emotes 38T
uses "gurl" a lot and sometimes speaks in large sparkly letters

Universal Tropes

  • Anarchy Is Chaos: The Draconian Dignitary says that she "seem[s] to revel in anarchy." However, as an iron-fisted tyrant, she's anything but a classical anarchist, reveling mostly in ruling over a broken and bloody social order.
  • Anime Hair: Actually becomes her Distinguishing Mark, see below.
  • Asskicking Equals Authority
  • Big Bad: Of Act 6 thus far, though given that she's still in service of Lord English, presumably he'll prove to be the Bigger Bad or The Man Behind the Man.
  • Broken Pedestal: Her pre-Scratch self Meenah thought she was awesome. Then Meenah found out that, while powerful and ruthless, the Condesce is still ultimately a slave to Lord English. Also, Meenah was deeply unsettled by what she did to Mituna's counterpart.
  • Chekhov's Gunman/Chekhov's Boomerang:
    • Betty Crocker was first mentioned as John's arch nemesis here when John discovers that Fruit Gushers are a Betty Crocker product and flips out. It is later revealed that she was Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley's adoptive mother, and that Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. Then Nannasprite tells a story in which it's revealed that she vanished without a trace, had many unspecified terrible secrets, and wasn't human.
    • Her Imperious Condescension was first mentioned here in a description of Feferi's status. Andrew on the forum mentioned that she potentially survived the Vast Glub note . Then in Act 5 she appears on panel and is confirmed to be Feferi's Ancestor. It is then revealed that she did survive the Vast Glub and is further implied to have become Betty Crocker.
    • And now she's usurped the Black Queen and taken over Derse in the post-scratch Session.
  • The Chessmaster: Her company sent Dave the Miracles Video two years before it would even exist, which Dave would later send to Gamzee, who would go on a rage-filled murder spree, and who also ended up causing the Universe Cancer to go terminal and creating Li'l Cal and Doc Scratch. All that with a single video.
    • Justifed in that she serves Lord English who is all about convoluted plans.
    • Just to drive the point home, she becomes the queen of Derse in the post-scratch session.
    • And then there's her master stroke at the end of Act 6 Act 5, where she pawns Jade & Jane, kicks Dirk outside the session, and captures Jake & Roxy.
  • Combo Platter Powers: Time magic, (near) Immortality, Mind control, the vast resources of Alternian science, and being really good with her Weapon of Choice.
    • Revealed to have done 'experiments' on herself, adding moreso to her powers. While she herself has some 'life' related powers, She was given Clockwork Magyyks by Lord English. The added powers revealed so far include those of a Gemini Troll (Telekinesis & Eye Beams), an Aries Troll (unknown, more telekinesis?), a Taurus Troll (Animal Control) and a Scorpio Troll (Mind Control). These powers portray themselves as a blinking zodiac symbol in her tiara.
    • She also has the powers of a Pisces Troll.
  • The Corrupter: To Jane, post-scratch Earth, and possibly the entire post-scratch Session by becoming the queen of B2 Derse. Fully corrupts Jane and Jade at the end of Act 6 Act 5.
  • The Dog Was the Mastermind: Both Betty Crocker and Her Imperious Condescension were mentioned a few times but initially seemed to have no importance to the story whatsoever. Then Nanna said Betty Crocker wasn't human, and the rest spiraled from there.
  • Dragon with an Agenda: Does not like Lord English, and seems to be looking for a way to stab him in the back.
  • Enemy Mine: What Calliope speculates she'll ultimately be for the human heroes. After she's fulfilled her obligation to ensure the continuation of Lord English's existence, she'll be free to turn on him, and she is even currently exploiting Roxy's power to that effect.
  • Everything's Better with Sparkles: Loves purple glitter, filling the envelope she gave Roxy her secret orders in with it. Sometimes, she speaks in large fuchsia text that sparkles and glitters too.
  • Evil Gloating: "S u c k a s"
  • Evil Is Petty: She ordered humanity to stop reproducing - with Subliminal Seduction no less - apparently because she finds human sex Squicky.
  • Evil Overlord
  • The Faceless: Averted, her eyes are shown and she is shown out of her profile when she is revealed to be the new Black Queen.
  • Good Powers, Bad People: She has mild Life powers, which contribute to her longevity.
    • She also has time magic, apparently taken from the Handmaid.
  • Good Smoking, Evil Smoking: Shown smoking a cigar after her plans succeed.
  • I Have Many Names: About six... Yet all of them are titles or pseudonyms. Her true name is still unknown, though Aranea refers to her as by the name of her alternate, Meenah Peixes.
  • Jive Turkey: She speaks extremely informally, as first shown when she interrupts the Dignitary to demand her ring back. Her chats don't end with "ceased trolling/pestering." They end with "logged da fuck out."
  • Kick the Son of a Bitch: While both she and Aranea pulled Colony Drops on surrounding planets, and that she's done much worse than Aranea in the past, her Mama Bear moment with Jane, in conjunction with Aranea's chronologically-recent Moral Event Horizon, make Her Imperious Condescension look less like a monster when she kills Aranea and more like a total badass.
  • Laughably Evil: In Act 6, once you start to learn her true personality. Best illustrated by her taste in mission briefings here.
  • Mama Bear: She was somehow even more furious than she already was when Aranea killed Jane.
  • Money Fetish: Like Meenah.
  • Noblewoman's Laugh: At the end of Meenah's theme song, "Hate You", she and Meenah are both heard laughing. Meenah's is a high pitched cackle, HIC's is more like one of these.
  • Power Copying: Stole the Handmaid's time magjycks and unlocked Mind Manipulation abilities that allow her to control animals and people.
    • All Your Powers Combined: Has all the psychic powers of the Troll Kids. One character even describes her as being like a villain with all the powers of the X-Men rolled into one.
    • She can control Jade. Oh, Crap.
  • Power Glows: She has the same time magjyck aura that the Handmaid had.
  • Slasher Smile: Default expression.
  • Suddenly Voiced: It's pretty surprising to see her textual communication.
  • Tangled Family Tree: She is the direct genetic Ancestor of Feferi. She is also the adoptive mother to Nanna Egbert and Grandpa Harley, making her John and Jade's great-grandmother. Feferi is John and Jade's great-aunt through adoption. And just to make things more confusing, she's also described as B2 John's grandmother and Jane's great-great-grandmother.
  • Trademark Favorite Drink: TaB, because it has no sugar and only one calorie. And it comes in a pink can.
  • Walking Spoiler: Like Doc Scratch, you can't really talk about this character without bringing up several spoilers about what happens before the various sessions start.
  • Wicked Witch: Described as one in two of her identities.

As the Condesce

  • The Ark: Before departing for Earth, the Condesce gathered thousands of endangered species from her homeworld and loaded them into a "red space ark", apparently in order to repopulate them.
  • Bling of War: As the Condesce, she's decked out head to toe in jewelry and wields a fancy golden double trident. She continues the tradition as the Black Queen of Derse, with the addition of the Prototyping Ring (though as a simple, plain gold band it's barely a drop in the ocean on top of the rest of her bling).
  • The Caligula: Went mad as the result of repeated botched attempts to recreate her old empire "in all its convoluted symbiotic glory." The Condesce ends up taking out her frustrations on humankind, of course.
  • Challenging the Chief: How she got the position.
  • Cool Starship: The Condesce's flagship, the Battleship Condescension.
  • Duel to the Death: With the Handmaid
  • Evil Counterpart: To Feferi.
  • Evilutionary Biologist: When her original plans to repopulate her race went bust, she resorted to experimenting with splicing human and Alternian DNA.
  • Fluffy Tamer: Glb'golyb being the Fluffy.
  • Four Eyes, Zero Soul
  • God Save Us from the Queen!: Her Imperious Condescension is a pretty horrendous ruler. She flies around the universe, cordially greeting new civilizations, and leaves her vast armies to rip them apart after she leaves. She's mentioned early on as seriously wanting to kill Feferi to avoid having to compete with her for the throne, and it's mentioned later that she's fought and killed a number of potential successors in the past, giving them equal terms in battle only because her lusus demanded it.
  • Immortality Begins at Twenty
  • Living Forever Is Awesome: Right up until the Troll Empire was wiped out at least... but she seems to have her hands full on Earth and Derse.
  • Meaningful Initials: The Battleship Condescensionnote , a giant red fork to a certain batterwitch's big red spoon... and big red fork.
  • More Teeth than the Osmond Family: Has adult-sized versions of Feferi's pointed teeth, and shows them off at any opportunity.
  • Names to Run Away From Really Fast: Because vanity isn't a good thing.
  • Offing the Offspring: The Condesce and her heirs are expected to Duel to the Death over the throne whenever an heir reaches adulthood.
  • Orcus on His Throne: Justified. The Condesce does all her delegating from her ship off in deep space. Her connection with her psychic lusus allows her to threaten entire castes of trolls with total extinction if they don't obey her, so she doesn't really need to go anywhere.
  • Slasher Smile: The Condesce is rarely depicted without a smug/sinister, shark-like grin.
  • Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds: Spent most of her apocalyptic reign over Earth attempting to recreate the Troll society she'd essentially been banished from, desperately trying to reconnect with her own kind, only to have her every attempt fail miserably until she was left to rule over a devastated planet.
  • X Meets Y: Dirk sums up her powers as "all the X-Men combined into one sexy fish woman in a skin tight suit."
  • You Kill It, You Bought It: The Condesce defeated The Handmaid, and then serves Lord English in her place. Also how she became the Troll Empress to begin with.

As Betty Crocker

  • Betty Crocker Was An Alien Spy: Her Imperious Condescension has an iron grip (with a healthy dosage of Subliminal Seduction) on post-Scratch Earth as Betty Crocker, who has taken over most facets of society.
  • Evil Mentor
  • Expospeak Gag: B2!Crockercorp properties such as Olive Garden "Feeding Chamber" and Bac-Os "simulated livestock flakes."
  • Expy: Pretty much serves the same role as Doc Scratch did on Alternia, but she's a bit more heavy handed with the manipulation.
    • Also arguably to Snowman, as exiled royalty that adopts another identity in the service of Lord English.
    • She is arguably similar to Glb'golyb in the sense that she's an alien being not of this universe that is enforcing the social order.
  • Historical Villain Upgrade: More like Unhistorical Villain Upgrade: in Real Life Betty Crocker wasn't a villain because she never existed, she was a character made up by the Washburn Crosby Milling Company in 1921. Or is that just what we're supposed to believe?
  • Legally Dead: She vanished without a trace, Grandpa Harley inherited her business empire. It's implied that she went to Universe B2. She disappeared there under mysterious circumstances, and by the modern day is considered even by Jane to be just a mascot.
  • Kick the Dog: Killed B2 Halley just to spite the infant Grandma and Poppop. It ended up propelling Grandma to become the first member of La Résistance against her.
  • Mass Hypnosis/Subliminal Seduction: Betty Crocker products in universe B2 carry sinister subliminal messages telling users to obey and consume, to cease reproduction, to die, and to stay asleep.
  • Mega Corp.: Type 1 in universe B2. Crockercorp owns not just everything that the real-world General Mills owns or has once owned (e.g. Olive Garden) but is also involved in software, computer hardware, space colonization, and Gushers.
    "THE HEINOUS BATTERWITCH HAS HER GNARLED CLAWS IN EVERYTHING. What do Gushers have to do with baked goods anyway??"
    • It's also implied that Crockercorp installed Guy Fieri (of all people) as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
      • It's probably a Stealth Pun as his name is greatly similar to Feferi's.
    • Averted in the pre-scratch universe where Grandpa Harley inherited the business after she vanished and turned it to more benign means.
  • Pet the Dog: She did marry two iterations of Colonel Sassacre, which doesn't seem to be important to her agenda. At the very least, she loved him enough to let him die of old age/getting shot by his adoptive son rather than just kill him.
    • She seems to like clowns, especially (but not solely) homicidal ones.
  • Psychic Powers: She's used technology to copy the psychic powers of several of the lower castes, including Sollux's, Vriska's, and Tavros's.
  • Sadist Teacher: To Nanna.
  • Sigil Spam: The Betty Crocker logo appears in a few odd places in the pre-scratch universe, like Jade's dream robot, but the trope fully comes into effect in universe B2 where Betty Crocker is a Mega Corp. with its claws in everything from baked goods to software to space colonization.
    • And then on 2X3PRONG DAY, the Betty Crocker spoon turns into the Battleship Condescension fork...
  • Theme Naming: "Baroness" follows the pattern of the Troll Ancestors' eight letter names. "Batterwitch" alludes to Feferi's (and presumably, her) Sgrub title, Witch of Life.
  • The Unreveal: All we know is that she wasn't human.
    • At this point it's been all but outright stated that she's the Condesce, acting as Lord English's right-hand witch.
      • And it was fully confirmed with style as Jane entered.
  • Villain with Good Publicity: On Post-Scratch Earth and on Derse.
  • Villain World: Post-scratch Earth seems to be this, under her control. In the future she rules openly.
  • Wicked Stepmother: To Nanna and Grandpa when they were kids, and presumably to Poppop and Grandma.

As the Queen of Derse

  • Beleaguered Assistant: To Lord English and she releases her frustration towards him by yelling at people or stabbing those who make a mistake while grooming her hair.
  • Chess Motifs: Her company's heavy use of red plays into her role of usurping the Black Queen, as red is often used interchangeably with black in traditional chess sets. (See also Alice in Wonderland.)
  • Dangerously Genre Savvy: Killing the dreamselves of the kids before the story begins.
    • And now she has God Cat teleporting Roxy right in front of her, with the implication of capturing her.
  • Distinguishing Mark: Her Anime Hair. The first clue we have of her becoming the new Queen of Derse is Courtyard Droll mentioning the new Queen's grand and luxurious fluffy hair...which he thinks is a hat (though hair is a foreign concept to carapace people).
  • Noble Demon: One of her goals is to resurrect her near-extinct race, which is surprisingly noble for someone as wicked as she is - though it's heavily implied that she wants to apply the same sort of reign as she did on Alternia.
  • Right-Hand Cat: It's GCat.
  • The Starscream: Draconian Dignitary believes she has some contingency plans that Lord English doesn't know about, which is why she is implied to have captured Roxy.
  • Stealth Pun / Visual Pun: She has a literal clamshell phone. ("Clamshell" is another name for a flip phone, particularly one with the hinge on the longer dimension.)
  • You Kill It, You Bought It: Implied to be the case with the Black Queen of the post-scratch kids' session.

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