Self Demonstrating / Doc Scratch
I am an excellent host.
Greetings, everyone. You may know me as the First Guardian of Alternia. I often go by Doc Scratch. You may call me that if you want.

Let's see, now, where to begin?

That was a joke, you see. An omnipotent, omniscient, and charming individual such as myself always knows where to begin.

Ha ha. Hee hee.

I was born, like other First Guardians, within a certain Alternian session of Sburb, a game in which players must work together to defeat the forces of darkness, and achieve the ultimate reward. I was created by using several special genetic codes, codes that grant me access to the powers of The Green Sun. I am also made from prototyping the ghost slime of a handsome little puppet and an all-knowing cue ball. I am not a gambling man, but I suppose some of us are just born lucky.

I first appeared in the comic in a conversation with one of my many pupils. No, not the kind that humans and trolls have on their faces, I would need to have eyes for that. And a face, quite frankly. Ah, she was willful, that one, always trying to stay a step ahead of me, seeking the blind spots in my knowledge, believing she could outsmart me. Of course, that is what I allowed her to believe, anyway. The stubborn ones are always the easiest to manipulate, especially if they believe they are doing the manipulating. These people are the ones I usually refer to as suckers. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for young ladies.

And no, that isn't creepy. I am an immortal entity with a large cueball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction. When you get to be my age, everyone seems young by comparison.

It should be noted that while First Guardians are usually created to watch over their respective planets, that is not my only purpose for being. You see, I am under the employ of my master, an invincible, time-traveling demon known as Lord English. He has only one goal, and that is to enter this universe, and then consume it. His disciples and I have gone to great lengths to precipitate his arrival. Upon the event known as my death, he will enter the universe and wreak havoc across paradox space like none have ever seen before. Although, as I have said before to another of my pupils, trying to stop any of our plans is futile. My master's entry into this universe is a known quantity. His very existence in a universe guarantees its inevitable destruction. His destructive destiny is sanctioned by paradox space, a neat and orderly path that will lead to his arrival. Any attempt to change this course of action is impossible.

He will come.

In fact, he is already here.

Now, I will proceed to give you analysis on my own character. After all, an excellent host must always be open to new people.

  • Affably Evil: Even if I'm a villain, that will not stop me from being a gentleman.
  • Angrish: I slip into this from time to time when something really agitates me.
  • A God I Am Not: I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god. But I am not one.
  • Asexuality: It's rather complicated to talk about.
  • Berserk Button: I must warn you. Do not steal or break any valuable artifact that belongs to me.
  • The Blank: As the Felt's "cueball", I am devoid of any facial features whatsoever.
  • Brutal Honesty: The truth hurts, especially if I'm the one revealing it.
  • The Chessmaster: I proudly take that title since I personify it to a T.
  • Complete Immortality: I cannot be injured in any way and I am as old as the universe itself. Even if it seems I'm dead, there's always a chance that I'm still alive.
  • The Corrupter: I orchestrated these sessions to fail so I can make new ones with ideal players. Of course, they always fail as well.
  • Cryptic Conversation: My conversations tend to go like this.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Not always.
  • Death Seeker: The only way for Lord English to enter the universe is for me to meet my end.
  • Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: If you're wise enough, you shouldn't attempt to cross me...ever.
  • The Dragon: I am considered this due to my status as Lord English's officer.
  • The Easy Way or the Hard Way: I would always give this option to my guests. But it's rather pointless considering that it always winds up being the hard way anyway.
  • Evil Mentor: Alternia was one of the most peaceful planets in all of Paradox Space. That was before I came along.
  • Foreshadowing: I was, and always will be, a magnificent host.
  • Fourth-Wall Observer: I know far more than all of you know. At one point, I even had the disc for the entire universe.
  • Friendly Enemy: I am always a gentleman, even to my most heinous adversaries.
  • Fusion Dance: My physical body is what happens when a Felt-suited Lil Cal is alchemized with a magic cue ball.
    • My personality is the result of one of Dirk Strider's soul splinters being fused with my master's soul. There are two others who've joined us, but my mannerisms and speech patterns are most reminiscent of his.
  • Gambit Roulette: No matter what happens, my plans will never fail. Hee hee.
  • Giggling Villain: Ha ha. Hee hee. Hoo hoo.
  • Kansas City Shuffle: Nobody seems to trust me, but they fall into my traps anyways. It's amusing, really.
  • Karma Houdini: Despite my being killed, everything went according to plan.
  • Living Weapon: I am my master's weapon. His soldier in a war of one bullet fired.
  • Made of Iron: One of the accommodations of being a First Guardian.
  • Manipulative Bastard: Bastard is a rather juvenile term to describe me, but I am manipulative nonetheless.
  • Man of Wealth and Taste: I may be an...ominous entity, but I can assure you that I have a high taste in many things.
  • Meaningful Name: My name is rather appropriate due to me being created after the session of the previous versions of the trolls' ancestors was scratched.
  • Mistaken for Pedophile: Unfortunately, I've been mistaken as this a few times due to people misinterpreting my actions. But, I can assure you, I am not in any way a pedophile.
  • No Biological Sex: I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.
  • No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: I hoped that Spades Slick would be taking it quite personally.
  • Not So Stoic: I tend to lose my composure when something goes wrong.
  • The Omnipotent: Of course.
  • The Omniscient: I am actually mostly omniscient. My knowledge is limited to only the alpha timeline.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname: The name "Doc Scratch" is merely a moniker.
  • Percussive Maintenance: I attempted this once with the narrow fenestrated wall. That was a rather juvenile maneuver on my part.
  • Physical God: One of the perks of being a First Guardian.
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: I would consider myself a polar opposite of Lord English himself.
  • Relationship Sabotage: I indulged in an auspistice between the former Black Queen and Slick once. I reminded him that his task was to kill her, not kiss her.
  • Revolvers Are Just Better: Arguably my favorite strife specibus. It's far more sophisticated than a rifle.
  • Schizo Tech: Unlike most people, I use a old-fashioned typewriter to communicate with everyone else. That is the reason I have neither a chumhandle nor a trolltag.
  • Sharp-Dressed Cueball Puppet: This is rather self-explanatory, to say the least.
  • Smug Super:
    S u c k e r s.
  • Super Strength: It is rather surprising for someone of my stature.
  • Technical Pacifist: I prefer to manipulate others to kill my targets, rather than do it myself. After all, I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.
  • Thanatos Gambit: The Plan was inevitable. In any case, Lord English would have been summoned anyway. He is, after all, already here.
  • Theme Naming: Like my master, my name derives from a billiards term.
  • Time Abyss: I am as old as the planet I manipulate.
  • Villains Never Lie: Deception is only necessary for those like you to achieve their objectives. I always play with my cards face up. However, I'll tell a lie or two for a good joke. After all, it's only a lie if you don't find out. Besides, I can't tell you everything. It would take too long. It's not my fault if people are asking the wrong questions.
  • Wicked Cultured: I am always the sophisticated type, like an excellent host should be.